1,189 Comments

  1. jhsaxena +16

    Just a reminder that we’re having a little post-Buzzfeed/Toast event meetup tonight in NYC, where we can all exchange thoughts on how amazing Janet Mock is and Mallory’s beautiful hair and everyone’s general excellence. It’s at RPM Bar on 266 Broome Street, starting at 7. Come hang out! I’m gonna bring cookies!

  2. rallisaurus +58

    I just wanted to thank all the lovely Toasties who gave me advice about therapists last week. You are all so incredibly wise and my life has so been so incredibly enriched by both the content Mallory and Nicole bring us and all you amazing people!

    A little update about my situation: I cancelled the appointment with my terrible therapist without telling her why. I didn’t want to have a conversation about it, I just wanted out. And I’m talking to friends about getting referrals from therapists they like. So…baby steps.

    But my yesterday was my birthday and I got some wonderful and heartfelt birthday wishes as well as an awesome Emily McDowell card from my husband. Plus, I woke up in the middle of the night and saw my kitties holding each other’s paws and gazing into each other’s eyes, so I think it was pretttttty good birthday overall. Also, there was lots and lots of cake. A birthday means nothing without cake.

    1. RoseCamelia +16

      Go you! Better than baby steps. You cancelled without telling why – because you didn’t want to have a conversation. Excellent! Decide what you want and how you want to do it, then execute. Skills of a strong person. Good work.

      1. elsamac +11

        Excellent! Decide what you want and how you want to do it, then execute. Skills of a strong person.

        How many times have I thought “I can’t phrase it better than RoseCamelia just did? Plenty, but never more heartily than this.

        rallisaurus, you decided how you preferred to handle it and then you did that. That’s boundary setting and taking care of yourself. Good!

        And happy birthday! Yes, still: it carries over the weekend, right?

        1. rallisaurus +5

          Thanks! I have to share the weekend with my husband’s birthday, but since I get Korean BBQ out of it I can’t really complain, can I?

    2. safvn +4

      1. Congratulations! Like Rose Camelia said, better than baby steps. AND 2. Happy birthday and double congratulations on the enormous amount of cake. I love cake and a birthday, as you say, is nothing without it.

    3. ellehmariat +7

      Thanks to your thread last week, I also told my therapist that I wanted this appointment to be the last one with her. Even though she said she thought it was premature to stop, I stuck with it! She wasn’t bad necessarily, but just not exactly what I was hoping for. I didn’t know anything about therapy before I started so now that I know more I am going to set up consultations with a few different ones in my area and see if I can find one that is a better fit.

      1. rallisaurus +8

        Yay! Not for the meh therapits, but for sticking up for yourself. I’m glad the thread helped other people too. I really do think we Toasties are amazing folk!

        ETA: I thought about editing out the typo, but now I really like “therapits” as a name for bad therapists

    4. FreeRangeMenses +3

      I cancelled mine three weeks ago and she’s called twice about follow-up. I am chicken-shitting hard on this, but I need to just call and say “I don’t think it’s working out, thanks for your time, etc.” Truth was, she was kind of terrible, and habitually 7-9 minutes late starting my sessions.

      1. elsamac +3

        Ugh, it’s bad enough to have a therapist who’s a poor fit or just flat-out bad, but to also be burning up your minutes? NOPE.

      2. rallisaurus +1

        Can you find a time you know she’ll be out so you can just leave a message? That’s what I did with mine! Or maybe you can email or text her or something?

    5. parlato1973 +2

      glad to year you’re on the path to a new therapist relationship! & happy birthday, virgo!
      an emily mcdowell card is a fantastic choice.

    7. jenavira +2

      Congratulations on firing your terrible therapist! I stuck with a terrible therapist a lot longer than I should have, a few years ago, and getting her out of my life was such a huge relief.

  3. hearyoume +188

    Last night a guy asked me how sexist I think he is, in an attempt to be one of those Cool Feminist Allies who totally knows that like, all men are sexist, but surely he gets points for trying, right?

    He gave me a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the Most Sexist. I asked what he thought his number was, and before he could answer, I interrupted with, “add at least 3 points to whatever that number is.” Misandry accomplished.

    3. aravisthequeen +57

      On a similar but related note, I keep encountering internet guys this week who are so into the concept of being Feminist Allies that they actually stomp all over women in the process. “That’s GARBAGE! You should FIGHT! You don’t have to take that!” “Okay, but, I don’t want to die on this hill because it’s work, and blah blah” “NOBODY should have to take treatment like that! Fight! Women are constantly treated as second class citizens!” “Okay, but, you need to stop telling me what I should or shouldn’t do, because as a woman I do actually understand that” “I’m not telling women what to do or say or think. That would be HORRIBLE. I’m just saying that women are constantly treated horribly so this is a BIG DEAL and you don’t deserve to be treated like garbage!”

      Okay. I am glad you are a feminist ally. But you really, really need to step down and listen to the actual women who are talking about it. Stop white-knighting women and LISTEN. SHUT. UP.

      1. ct330 +37

        UGH, yes. Less of this:

        and more of thisssss:

        Also somewhat related: I got into a Facebook argument with a dude who considers himself super enlightened, I’m guessing, but is actually the opposite. I posted a grumpy status because a van full of dudes drove slowly next to me — like close enough that they could have reached out & grabbed me — while I rode my bike home Wednesday night. They followed me for an entire block being purposefully creepy and gross and threatening. Dude — who I haven’t thought about or spoken to since high school, commented, “It is selfish of you to complain about your #firstworldproblems when there are women in other countries who are assaulted and killed just for being women.”

        The resulting smackdown was chock fulla expletives and also a gleeful defriending.

        1. thebellewitch +19

          Ahh what a monster. I hope that guy has never so much as complained about a parking ticket, given that there are men in other countries killed just for, I dunno, being in town with ISIS rolls through. Oh, but I forgot, that’s not how it works for men. (Also that van incident sounds terrifying, and I’m glad you’re okay.)

          1. ct330 +23

            Gah, thanks. It was really scary! One guy was like “HelllooooOOOOoo can I help you?” in this creeptastic voice and, because I am New To Bikes and was nervous about riding in the dark anyway my automatic response was, “What hi” which was infuriating because usually I like to be Coldly Aloof in the face of street harassment. He could tell he was making me nervous and he started cackling and kept trying to talk to me. #banmen #banmen #banmen

          2. sailorfaith +7

            they need to build bikes so you can fit bazookas on the handlebars and still steer for instances such as this.
            That is a horrible, scary experience, and I’m glad you’re unhurt, if creeped out 🙁

        2. sailorfaith +18

          yesssss you are a goddess stomping over the faces of lesser male enemies!!!!!

          I ALSO had a Facebook pseudo altercation – my boyfriend’s bff (who I have met just once and really enjoyed hanging out with and I was looking forward to seeing him again when we were in the same state once more), who I just became FB friends with, posted something about how famous celebrity women who are hacked and have their nude photos stolen, even though ‘violating privacy is bad yah’ have millions of dollars to spend on security and so if they can’t keep up with technology they need to ‘suck it up buttercup.’ Which is ignorant and awful on so many levels, the least of which being how phones work. AND he started it out with, ‘Let me make this simple for you all.’ OH DO, MY TINY PETRIFIED FEMALE BRAIN CAN’T HANDLE THOUGHTS AND WHAT NONSENSE.

          My head almost exploded, I was literally shaking with rage and went off about how I’d love to hear more about how he thinks people who have been violated should have done more to not be violated and I wonder if he’d say the same thing to women who’ve been assaulted and DO CONTINUE with your words of wisdom they are SO USEFUL for people who’ve been violated and traumatized! And does he realize that this happens to women almost exclusively and basically all he is doing is reminding us dumbass lady-folk that it will always be our fault, no matter what, if we are violated because we should have done more and also saying things like that is essentially saying, ‘Make sure you do enough so that he goes after the other woman.’ And STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, VICTIM BLAMING IS BAD.

          I sat shaking and stewing with rage waiting for a response then a little later went back to just defriend him because FUCK THAT NOISE and he had beat me to it!! THE NERVE OF YOU ASSHOLE. That set me off further because this fucker has done other little things that had pissed me off despite enjoying spending time with him and suddenly this event brought everything into startling clarity and I have been NOTHING but NICE and WONDERFUL to him up until that FB status and I table flipped everything and I am still clearly very angry because I am precious and deserve a better friendship than what he can offer, CLEARLY. I immediately went to text boyfriend and went off about how his bff is a horrible person which to his credit he handled pretty well and we have scheduled a Real In Person Talk to discuss it more because I have spoken a lot to boyfriend about Feminism and being an Ally and it’s important to me and he respects that even though I know he’s not looking forward to the conversation.

          but MOTHERFUCKER MEN ON THE INTERNET AND REAL LIFE. #BANMEN NONE OF THEM SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO USE COMPUTERS ANYMORE. I wish it’d been in person so I could have smacked his disrespectful ignorant mouth off. That fucker is going to school for Criminology so he can eventually end up in law enforcement – JUST WHAT AMERICA NEEDS, ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER WHO CARES MORE ABOUT SHAMING FEMALE VICTIMS THAN CATCHING CRIMINALS.

          UGH. Thank you Toasties for being there to rant to, In Misandry We Stand, etc etc. This song is for you and Happy Birthday Beyonce. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnVUHWCynig

          1. ct330 +11

            oh CHICA that is horrible but I think you are so brave and awesome not only for calling boyfriend’s bff out on his fuckery and bullshit, but for also talking to your bf about it. I’m glad that he handled it well, and much luck during the IRL conversation. You are an AMAZON and you deserve a partner who will stand by you and be a good ally and I hope he turns around and supports you to his bff so maybe that douchecanoe will learn his damn lesson because seriously FUCK ALL THAT.

            Also, fuck everything about that guy going into law enforcement.

            For you, because your username made me think of it:

          2. sailorfaith +6

            Goddess bless the Toast commentariat for being the best, that gif warms all of the cockles of my heart and THANK YOU! Places like the Toast have made it so much easier for me to speak up when dumbfuckery happens because all around me here are kickass awesome people doing the same thing and supporting each other through it. you are the best. Toasties are the best.

            Poor boyfriend has had to deal with a lot of generalized misandrist rage from me but he has stuck with me throughout, and we’ve gotten a lot better at communicating about it in ways that aren’t hurtful to each other, him being a silly man and me being a vengeful raging woman. He’s pretty new to thinking about the kind of stuff I talk to him about (and a Marine which let’s be honest didn’t exactly prep him for life with me, Amazon Supreme, also how did I end up dating a military dude) and I don’t really expect him to tell his bff off this time but I am really hoping that at the very least we can talk about it and he’ll understand 1) why what his bff said was fucked up and 2) why it matters that that stuff upsets me so much (which so far he’s been pretty good at getting). And the lessons will continue until he’s comfortable confronting his bff himself or until we break up, whichever comes first (not specific lessons about his bff obvi, specific lessons about horrible shit).

            And I know I said this but bless you for the gift of this gif, remembering how much I love Buffy makes me feel all safe and happy inside even though Faith breaks my heart every time.

          3. laurenipsum +4

            Holy crap, that is a righteous rant. I love it. That sucks and I hope your boyfriend backs you up, no questions asked.

            So excited for this dude to be in law enforcement, oh boy.

          4. sailorfaith +3

            He totally did!! I was so proud and happy. I talked for a really long time (I talk a lot you may have noticed re:rant) then sat there for a minute and he said, “Well you’re absolutely right about everything, and you’ve given me a lot to think about.” Like I don’t expect him to not be friends with his bff anymore, they’re really close, but we agreed that if this altercation between me and that dude hadn’t happened now it would have happened later and who cares because I’m right and it’s not like we see him ever anyway. And BF said it’s the kind of thing where, in person, he might not have thought too much about what his bff was really saying and probably went along with it but later would have done a “……hmmmmm……” So, us talking about this stuff now is helping to give him the tools to identify things like that as wrong and harmful thinking in the moment and eventually to say something about it, with his bff or otherwise. VICTORY!

        2. lilsebastian01 +1

          What happened, where!? I usually don’t read the comments but this sounds worth hate-reading.

          1. elsajeni +5

            Take a look at the short-answer post from yesterday, where most of the comments are about the sex-segregated wedding. The big offender is “Mike C.”, who’s a regular commenter and (in his marginal defense, he isn’t only like this about sexism) pretty much always errs on the side of “YOU MUST TAKE A PRINCIPLED STAND ON THIS ISSUE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN’T YOUR HILL TO DIE ON, COME BACK HERE AND DIE ON THIS HILL GODDAMMIT”; he did basically that in that post. Lots of “THIS SEXIST NONSENSE MUST NOT BE TOLERATED,” not a lot of understanding that people who actually experience sexism might occasionally need to pick their battles and not enjoy being told by dudes that they’re picking the wrong ones.

      3. radventuretime +27

        Oh god, this happened to me just last month. I was having a convo with a group of friends and I made a joke about how “well as a woman I’ve never experienced sexism but maybe I just don’t notice because I’m stupider than men and I get confused by shoes and dresses.” (a stupid joke, but whatever.) IMMEDIATELY one of the guys in the group starts going off about how ignorant I am about women’s issues, did I know about the wage gap, did I know about sexism in the media, women are raped and killed all around the world and how dare I – steamrolling over any attempt to explain that I actually was joking and getting so angry at me I started feeling uncomfortable. Like, thank you for angrily explaining the basics of gender discrimination to me I had no idea wow so cool good job.

        1. aravisthequeen +27

          How did you not set him on fire with the power of your mind?!?!?!

          “What do you mean, sexism? Explain to me the concept of feminism, for I am but a simple lady and do not understand it.” Jesus Christ.

          1. radventuretime +11

            I know!! To make matters worse, earlier in the conversation a guy tried to talk about how white people were also victimized by racism in America and he didn’t say a goddamn word.

        2. Amelia +5

          Uggghh, men can be the worst. I had this white dude (who had just called Viola Davis the n word) explain to me, who is pretty obviously mixed race, that I didn’t know what “real racism” was and that he did because he participated in an interfaith program in high-school.

      4. jenchicago77 +8

        You are fantastic. I am currently plotting some long game revenge against a man who tried to explain feminism to me and some other ladies, causing much public hassles for our organization in the process. Vengeful ideas welcome.

        1. sailorfaith +6

          I love long game revenge!!! I’ve never done it before but I would totally be up for trying it. What are your plots?? Can you reveal them over the internet or must they be whispered in hushed voices through screened windows and doors and whatnot and surreptitiously pass notes using pigeons because I am totally up for that too.

          2. sailorfaith +1

            Having never done ACTUAL long game revenge before, at least consciously (?), one thing I do for people I don’t like because they’ve done awful things to me or my friends or in general is whenever someone starts talking about them make a ‘hmm’ noise/face and then proceed to speak doubtfully as to the wholesomeness of their character – trying to undermine their credibility as people worth knowing. Pretty bitchy and sometimes outright mean (because sometimes I am mean), and a lot like that previous Toast article about how to get your bff to dump her terrible boyfriend. Do you want to ruin his life, make him lose his job, or plant seeds of doubt in everyone else’s mind that he is actually a good person?

          3. sailorfaith +1

            It also occurs to me that the rest of your organization probably feels the same way about him – make a united wall front of silence and shunning to completely block him out forever more in the future? Less revenge, more for-the-good-of-everyone-else but I’m sure he’d hate to lose his platform to be a know-it-all. Maybe?

          4. RoseCamelia +4

            Surreptitious notes travel by *raven*. Carry on with revenge and let me know how I can help.

  4. craneyourneck +18

    Did anybody go to the Toast event in NY last night? Will you please tell us all the best moments so we can live vicariously through you?

      1. clarizard +15

        OH but via happenstance I gave my ticket to a fellow toastie who is sending me a book from Tor/Forge cause she works there so we decided the Toast Gods were smiling favorably on both of us.

        1. inapartydress +3

          I’m so excited I could facilitate this exchange of goods and services! I knew when I saw your post that M. would jump at the ticket. I’m glad we kept it all in the family!

    2. rubelang +12

      Oh let’s see: I enjoyed the powerpoint antics and Anne Helen Petersen’s skirt, hearing Mallory Ortberg say, “SHIT,” Ashley Ford saying, “he could get it,” the woman who yelled, “You’re cute!” to Saeed Jones (and that last poem. OMG.) and everything Heben Nigatu and Tracy Clayton did and said and how at ease they were onstage. And Janet Mock is really charismatic.

    3. literarysara +10

      I did not go, but apparently Dude in Publishing (whose tumblr I quite enjoy, as a Lady in Publishing) did go, and he posted a few pictures that made Mallory’s reading look like the coming of Ragnarok. Her aura appears to be fiery red.

  5. cosmia +6

    IS ANYONE GOING TO TIFF BE TIFF BUDDIES WITH ME

    I am seeing 11 movies + my full-time job because even though my full-time job is technically in the broadcasting industry we still don’t qualify for sweet industry passes so I have to see everything post-working hours = WHAT IS EATING

    1. clarizard +2

      ooh my best friend is going to be working PR there! she definitely will not be eating or sleeping, only listening to the hollering of Scott Rudin

    2. highjump +1

      Eating while watching movies is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Or is TIFF too cool for snacks?

      1. cosmia +4

        TIFF thinks it’s too cool for snacks this year (they gave jellybeans away last year!), but too bad for them the official food of TIFF is pretty much half-smushed granola bars at the bottom of your backpack/purse.

        1. lauralizabethm +4

          Whenever I go to TIFF with my aunt and uncle, they produce king-sized candy bars from their knapsacks as soon as we’re in our seats. My aunt and uncle are perennial winners of the Tiff Snacks Olympics.

    3. allanaaa +1

      I only want to see like five Midnight Madness films but I haven’t bought tix yet because blah.

      I used to volunteer. And my friend worked in the box office and got us MM packages every year.

    4. Spinozagal +1

      I’m so jealous. I went last year and it was so much fun. I’m dying to see Miss Julie! I adore Liv Ullman and the cast is amazing. Have fun and report back.

  6. CleverManka +10

    I am preparing a possessions purge. Are there any sewing-type folks on here? I want to get rid of some sewing patterns, modern and vintage. I stopped counting them when I acquired over 250, and that was years ago. If there’s interest, I’ll take pics of envelope illustrations in the next week or two and post a link. The modern patterns will be free to a good home. Vintage patterns (50s-60s) I’d like to get a buck apiece for. Anyone? Anyone?

      1. CleverManka +2

        It sounds like there’s enough interest, so I’ll put up a link with pics and my email address on next week’s Open Thread.

    2. littlehuntingcreek +1

      I collect patterns! email me at littlehuntingcreek at gmail.com
      I’ll give them a good home, either with me or with our local high school sewing classes( the kids love patterns, but many can’t afford them)
      Also I would love the old ones and newer ones too and reimburse your postage as well 🙂

      1. CleverManka +1

        Your high school still has sewing classes? That’s fantastic! I considered getting an education degree to teach Home-Ec (back when, you know, it was still called Home-Ec), but I didn’t want to move or commute to the main teaching college here.

        Edit: Also! I’ll post a link with pics and my contact info in next week’s Open Thread.

        1. littlehuntingcreek +2

          They do! It’s part of the technical schools curriculum here. I give them fabrics and patterns and other supplies. They also have an International Foods class where they learn some food history and cooking (I gave them a bunch of cookbooks).

          2. littlehuntingcreek +1

            Our school districts have Adult Continuing Education classes that teach all sorts of things. Cooking, knitting, Spanish…decorating…I took an Intro to Chinese Cooking Class that was wonderful
            You could check yoru local district or Community College website to see if they have something similar

      1. themegnapkin +1

        Comment-jacking to ask The Toasts sewists (sewers?): do you have any sources for cheap fabric? I just placed an order at Fabric.com for some stuff I’ve been lusting after, but there has got to be a less expensive source.

        1. CleverManka +1

          Back when I was buying fabric (I’ll be getting rid of a significant amount of my fabric stash, too, but I don’t want to deal with doing that long-distance), Fabric.com was about the cheapest I could find. That was three years ago, though.

        2. ramina +1

          Honestly, Wal-Mart has a pretty decent selection for relatively inexpensive. If you’re not entirely opposed to dropping money there you can easily get lost in their fabric section!

        3. N Coley

          This is not practical depending on where you live BUT if you can get there the fabric stores in Intercourse, PA (and the whole Lancaster-ish area) have amazing fabric for cheap. Like, handwoven prints for $5 a yard. I haven’t been in a few years but last time I was there I stocked UP.

      2. CleverManka +2

        Yay! Thanks! I feel like there’s enough people who are interested that I want to share the love, so look on next week’s Open Thread for a link to pics and my contact info and you can tell me which ones you’d like.

      1. CleverManka +1

        Check next week’s Open Thread for a link with pics and my contact info. There are more people interested than I thought and I don’t want to try to email everyone separately.

    5. laurenipsum +2

      Oh man, I wish I didn’t live in an RV (and therefore had room to sew). I just want to see pictures of the patterns!

    7. parlato1973 +1

      i’m very interested in vintage sewing patterns, but only if they fit my measurements. post em up and we’ll see!

      1. CleverManka +2

        They’re all in the 34-36inch bust range. I didn’t even think to mention that earlier. Oops.

    8. ramina +2

      I see you’ve had quite a huge response but I’d also be interested! If anyone is concerned that the patterns may be too small for them, I have a fantastic ebook that I would be glad to forward on how to resize vintage patterns 🙂

      1. CleverManka +1

        Keep you eyes on next week’s Open Thread when I’ll put up a link with pics and my contact info!

  7. hearyoume +37

    Also, I had a really frustrating encounter with a sexist tech bro last night and now I just want to burn the whole industry to the ground.

    2. paperbgprincess +32

      I saw a job listing last night that listed “mustache grooming” in the list of preferred skills. THANKS FOR NOT EVEN PRETENDING YOU’D HIRE A WOMAN, DUDES.

      1. ct330 +26

        I can actually grow a pretty mean mustache. I keep it in check with various toxic substances, because patriarchy, and once I waxed it myself, but IF I KNEW TECH STUFF PERHAPS I’D WATSON IT OUT.

        ETA: I should get that job just on the sheer badassery of waxing my own mustache, honestly.

          1. ct330 +3

            My gut feeling was Gay Watson, but my facial expression resembles Canon Watson’s “Yes. Erudite.” expression at leeeeeast 97% of the time.

    3. projectbeks +9

      I wanted to burn everything to the ground by the time I got to work this morning (I got harassed on the street. Who has the energy for that in this weather???). The Toast is helping, as usual. I’ll bring matches, though, if you still want help.

  8. anninyn +28

    FRIDAY CAT THREAD

    A reminder that the cat thread is for all people who have cats, have had cats, are getting cats, whose friends have cats, or who met cats on their walk the other week.

    It is a kind and welcoming place where we avoid all the judgemental bullshit of other cat places. There’ll be no ‘if your cat goes outdoors you;re killiiiiing iiiit’ here!

    Here is Bonny, being on the garage roof.

    She likes it there
    And here is a friendly tabby cat we met on a walk

    No pictures of Anne this week, because she’s stopped being cute every time she saw the camera, but trust me she’s been an adorable little fluff ball.

    1. anninyn +1

      Also, I don’t know what’s going to be happeing with me re computer access next week. I’m not meaning to be all mysterious, but there is a chance I may not be able to access the internet for a while soon.

      If that happens, can someone else take the cat thread?

        1. anninyn +1

          I’ll do what I can to keep you updated. Chances are it’ll all come to nothing, but assume if you’ve seen neither hide nor hair of me after the tenth, that I need you to do it;.

    2. meetapossum +11

      This is my friend’s cat who I’ve been going to visit while she’s on vacation. He’s a cuddlebug who likes headbutts and using your toes to scratch his ears.

        1. anninyn +1

          I think there is something you can do about that, like maybe change one of the numbers in the html or something, but I’m not 100% sure.

          1. meetapossum +3

            Yeah. That requires math, though. I think today you all can handle the giant picture of Tricky 🙂

          2. Es_Petal +1

            < img src=”https://linkylinky.jpg” width=”500″ height=”357″” >

            I link mine from flickr and you can choose the height – that’s what’s in the code – you can just add the width and height specs when you put the link in, if you’re doing it manually.

          3. SarcasticFringehead +1

            You can also just choose one dimension or the other (500 is roughly the width of the comments section, I think), and then the internet will do the math on the other dimension for you (use Es_Petal’s code, but just delete either width=”500″ or height=”375″)

    3. 1sic1 +44

      Here are Bill (black) and Manu (tabby), two kittens I fostered this spring. They were the sweetest, best behaved cats I’ve ever met. And someone just dumped them in a box at a vet’s office.

      3. radventuretime +1

        Are they siblings? I have brother and sister cats with tabby and black coats respectively.

        1. 1sic1 +8

          No, it turned out they’re a month apart in age. But they were so cuddly with each other, they might as well have been.
          They used to pick strands of fur on Bill’s belly and “suckle” together while purring and kneading. Didn’t seem to bother them that they weren’t getting any milk.

      4. rallisaurus +5

        I would love to foster animals, but I know I could never give those two cuties away! Even to a wonderful home. I’d just make my husband become the couple from Millions of Cats

      5. elisbradshaw +1

        Oh my god they’re perfect! I want to cuddlesmush them both, one on either side of my face…

    4. m98widow +10

      We had a scare with Isis this week – starting Monday night she wasn’t eating her food (very unusual for her) and doing even more barfing than usual, plus she was just sitting hunched over in various corners of the house instead of sitting in the window or on our laps. We took her to the vets on Wednesday and she stayed overnight, but several hundred dollars later she seems back to normal with a diagnosis of a combo of IBS and pancreatitis. So she has to have special medication for a week and we have to be on the lookout for recurring symptoms. Here’s Isis perched like a princess in the vet’s office.

      Our other cat, Gus, likes the smell of Isis’s medication so much that he has been licking her face when we give it to her. Here’s Gus and his 27 toes. He is a big fan of all things shoe, sock, and feet related.

      2. BourneApprox +4

        I hope Isis is okay – she’s beautiful! And bless every one of Gus’ 27 little toes. /crazycatlady

        1. m98widow +2

          Thanks! She is doing much better now – she was quite glad to scarf up her dinner last night and breakfast this morning.

      4. coloredlights +1

        You also have a cat with an IBS diagnosis?? I was starting to think mine was the only one. She goes through phases of not eating, barfing more than usual, and not using the litterbox when she really should, plus she has expensive prescription food. Good thing she’s amazing – I assume yours is too!

    6. MilesofMountain +11

      For some reason my photos never post correctly so I am giving up in a huff. However, my kitty news is that I have been trying to make mind-challenging toys for Moxie and it is going well. I made a “puzzle feeder”, otherwise known as a water bottle with holes cut in it that is full of cat kibble that he has to roll around to get the kibbles to fall out, that he loves. I also made a box with big holes in it that he can fish around in to get toys out that he loves less because I guess he’s just not really toy motivated. Has anyone else made toys for their cats?

      Oh, also, I don’t know if your Bonny is brave for being chill on the roof, or if Moxie is chickenshit, but we took him on the roof when we were up there cleaning gutters and he looked over the edge and promptly freaked out and came crying to me to be carried back to the ground.

      1. mandarinmarie +5

        I have a store bought version of that that a friend gave me, we call it “Nico’s ball” and he lovessssss it. He’s also quite food rather than toy motivated.

        My last “homemade” “toy” was the bag that I gave my husband his birthday present in last weekend. We left a bag full of tissue paper in the middle of the living room overnight and it was DEMOLISHED in the morning.

      2. annacperl +1

        Oh, those are great ideas! Our Brains is so gosh-darn smart and lively it’s hard to keep her from being bored. I’ve been meaning to get a clicker and try teaching her tricks, but blah blah lazy. The puzzle feeder sounds genius.

    9. CleverManka +22

      I always go through and squee over everyone’s bb’s, but I don’t know that I’ve posted a pic of my Fetish Girl since the first time we had a Cat Thread. She was stoned out of her mind, thanks to a solid fifteen-minute interaction with the leopard-print kitty bomb next to her head, there.

    10. regularmegan +3

      Hi Toasties,
      So I’m thinking of adopting a cat and wondering if you all have any advice! I want to get an older cat from a shelter. I live alone and work 9-5-ish, and it would have to be an indoor only cat I think. I guess I’ just nervous about the transition time? I haven’t had a cat since I was a teenager (15 years ago) and mostly it lived outside on our farm.
      So I’m not really sure what advice I’m asking for, just reassurance and good stories about adopting!
      Thanks!
      (p.s. total lurker here. I read the open thread all the time, just never post!)

      1. anninyn +9

        The best thing to do is ask the shelter for a cat whose personality will mesh with your needs. Like, if you’re out most of the day, adopting a clingy cat wouldn’t be a good idea.

        Older cats is a great idea, they’re rarely adopted out. Consider a black or black-and-white kitty, because they too are rarely adopted. And it’ll be great! Cats are so adaptable, and they get used to you and your regime quite quickly.

      2. 1sic1 +6

        I’ve never actually owned a cat, but I’ve fostered about 15 total, and my living situation is pretty much the same as yours.
        Basically, chances are the cat will hide for a day or two, come out at night to survey its new territory, and become more and more sociable as it gets used to you and your place.
        The advantage of an older cat is that you know what you’re getting, and shelter employees can steer you towards the cat that would suit you best.

      3. hurdyburdy +6

        I adopted an adult cat from a shelter this past May, and it’s working out really well! I grew up with cats, but hadn’t had my own cat as an adult before. I was looking for an adult cat for the same reasons you are–I work full time, and a kitten (though So, So Cute) would have been too high-energy to be happy alone all day. Most shelters have a lot of fantastic adult cats, and many cats will be perfectly content to nap in sunbeams while you’re at work. Just look for a cat whose personality and needs mesh with you and your living situation, and it’ll be great!

        1. regularmegan +1

          Thanks! I’m trying my best to resist the kittens for that reason (so hard! they are ridiculously adorable). Good to hear that it’s gone well for you!

      4. aqueousmedium +6

        My most recent adoption was from a street cat rescue organization, and they were really good about describing different cats’ personalities so it was clear which ones might be a good fit. If you’re out during the day, either an older cat or a young adult who’s mellow and laid-back is a good idea. I visited several foster homes and went back a few times to visit the guy who would eventually go home with me (though honestly, my initial impression of THAT FACE LOOK AT THAT FACE, HE’S THE ONE ended up being entirely accurate). He hid for two days then emerged to demand belly rubs.

      5. annacperl +10

        I know my local shelter has a Meet Your Match program, where volunteers personality-test the older kitties and classify them accordingly…like, there’s “Leader of the Band,” “Secret Admirer,” “Sidekick,” etc. It’s a program of the ASPCA, so if you’re in the U.S. you may be able to find a nearby shelter that does the same thing.

        Also, yay for adopting older kitties!

        1. regularmegan +2

          Thanks! I’m in Canada so not sure if we have that here, but we seem to have a lot of really good shelters in the area that I’ve been looking into.

          1. the_lovecats +1

            If you are in Vancouver by chance, VOKRA is awesome. They also describe their kitties very well and everything was smooth sailing with them.
            In any case, Report Back! Demanding kitty pics!!

      6. ectocool +3

        I adopted an adult cat last week! Check the websties/facebook pages of the shelters in your area; a lot of them offer discounted fees for older cars (I got $70 off mine!) Also, look for the mama cats who were left behind after their kittens were all adopted.

        Good luck!

      7. gripyfish +7

        It definitely helps to have a quiet space to first put the cat in, when you bring her/him home; a bathroom is good (and is what we used when we first adopted Musichetta).

        We brought her in in her carrier, put it on the bathroom floor along with a dish of water, some food, and the litterbox; opened the carrier door, closed the bathroom door, and just let her hang out, and it really helped. We’d go in every so often (either to check in or just to use the facilities as we only have the one bathroom), and she’d sloooowly venture out of the carrier, sniff around, accept ear/chin scratches, then hustle back to the carrier for a little while. We let her stay in the bathroom overnight; by the next day, she was ready to explore around and chill out with us on the couch.

        Granted, Chetta isn’t an older cat (the shelter estimated she’s between 1-2 when we got her), but it’s what worked for us? Hopefully you’ll have that same good luck with your kitty!

        Also, as a reward for slogging through all of that, here’s a bad-quality photo of Chetta being Deeply Suspicious of the bathroom her first day in the house:

    11. rallisaurus +35

      Most of my cat pics are on my phone and I’m lazy, but since I take pictures of cats everywhere I go, here’s a picture of a cat me and my husband befriended in a French castle. (She was wary of me, but she came right up to him and sat on his lap! Harrumph!)

    12. evieskye +18

      Kismet really liked having a 3-day weekend. She seems to relax more when I’m home with her.

      Recently her favorite pastime is licking baby carrots. Weird.

    13. lauralizabethm +4

      One of our cats- who is generally known as being a huge harmless fluffball who crawls into your lap at the first opportunity- apparently BIT my dad yesterday morning for no known reasons, and he had to go in to the hospital to make sure she didn’t give him septicemia. Cat is currently grounded and recieving no lap time in recognition of her new status as an unprovoked biter.

      1. anninyn +3

        oh no! If she starts doing it more frequently, it might be worth taking her to the vets. Sometimes cats get aggressive if they are in pain or ill.

    14. AblativeAbsolut +4

      No pictures, but this week I helped my friend’s kitty find a new home with another friend and her fiance while the first friend is in school very very far away. I have been dubbed the kitty’s official Fairy Godmother, so I hope to have pics for future cat threads, what with all the kitty-spoiling I intend to do.

    15. lauralizabethm +23

      also, this is Hooligan (who, despite his name, is very sweet, if a bit dim) trying to get my attention while I read:

      “Mom. Mom pay attention to me. Mom why aren’t you paying attention to me? Are you reading a book? Why is the book more important than me? MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.”

    16. annacperl +15

      It’s our first autumnal day here in Kansas, and I’ve flung the windows of the apartment wide, and spent time reading on the balcony. Brains crouched by the screen and yearned.


      Also, Mom and I got to see day-old kittens at the shelter yesterday! I managed not to smuggle any of them out in my cheek pouch.

      1. elsajeni +4

        Aw, Brains! Bella does the same thing if we go out onto the patio — she’ll just sit there by the sliding glass door and make pitiful tiny mews, which I interpret as “I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS FORCE FIELD THAT HAS COME BETWEEN US.”

        1. annacperl +3

          Thanks! My husband named her when we thought she was a boy (most orange kitties are), and then I wanted to change it to Amy Pond when we figured out she was a girl. He pointed out that was incredibly sexist of me. “Why don’t we just call her Boobs?”

          So Brains she remained, and it fits her SO WELL. She’s a smart little dickens.

    17. tragicallyludicrous +1

      Klaas-Jan’s evil twin tried to bite his neck the other day so I’ve been reluctant to let him outside. I don’t want cat fights!

    18. MAHGAHN +12

      Oh, no. This is a dangerous thread. I could just link to my Instagram, which is primarily pictures of my cat, but I will restrain myself.

      Here is a picture of my cat enjoying some company:

      This is perhaps my favorite picture of her. She’s so majestic.

      2. annacperl +1

        I feel like there’s a squooshy belly lurking just out of frame, and I want to bury my face in it.

    19. Beakses +6

      This is a kitty who really, really wanted some of our pao de queijo, but as cute as he was, we did not share:

    20. theowlofderision +3

      My cat is beautiful and evil and only has three legs but I cannot figure out how to insert an image using HTML and now my cat is judging me.

      1. anninyn +3

        These instructions are for a PC running windows.
        Stick your image somewhere like facebook, imgur, photobucket.
        RIGHT-CLICK on it, scroll down the menu to where it says someithing like ‘copy image location’ . Click.
        Past that code in between the ” ” of this code < img src=” “/ > then delete the spaces before and after the little <‘s.
        You should now have posted an image!

  9. kalat1979 +58

    Solo travel news! I have used my general disgust for the Maine hermit and his defenders as motivation to sign up for a Becoming and Outdoors Woman camp thing. I’m gonna learn about fishing and foraging and hopefully be about halfway more useful as a person in general. Psyched!

    1. meetapossum +5

      Hooray! I’ve been fishing since I was about 4, but I only recently learned to clean my own fish. Useful skills are great to have!

      1. kalat1979 +8

        There’s a bunch of different sessions and I specifically signed up for the one called “Game and Fish Care/Cleaning” because I would have literally NO CLUE what to do with a fish if I caught it. I’m not sure I could even get it off the hook, I would have to throw the whole rod away.

    2. paperbgprincess +7

      That sounds awesome! I started reading Outlander and I had the realization that were I to suddenly be shoved back 200 years into the past, not only would I have zero historical knowledge of the time, I would have absolutely zero skills to make myself useful and convince people not to kill me. Maybe I should do one of those classes too.

      1. kalat1979 +2

        Do you live in the US or Canada? The Becoming an Outdoors Woman program is in (the internet tells me) 44 US states and nine Canadian provinces. I don’t know how consistent the program is state to state to province but there’s probably similar classes and stuff.

        1. MilesofMountain +3

          You are right! There is one in my province! They haven’t set a date for the next one yet, it doesn’t look like, but I will keep my eye out.

          1. MilesofMountain +7

            OMG the Alberta one has a Mantracker course. This is probably the only time I wish I lived in Alberta.

          3. Absotively +3

            Wait, where is this? I am in Alberta, but the only one I could find was by the Alberta Fish & Game Association, and doesn’t appear to mention Mantracking.

            Actually, on closer inspection I’m not certain it’s an official BOW course at all.

            (edit: wildlife, game, whatever)

          4. MilesofMountain +2

            I was looking at this one, but now that I look at it closer, it looks like it’s not an official BOW course either. It still might be good, though!

          5. Absotively +2

            Oh, that looks like it’s more up my alley. I shall have to look them up in the spring. Thank you!

          6. MilesofMountain +2

            Yeah, it looks like there are some good things in there even if you’re not into hunting.

        2. Absotively +4

          Oh, this looks cool! There isn’t a link for one in my province, but it looks like it exists and they are just bad at the internet. Unfortunately, this year’s camps are over.

          Also, it is sponsored by a hunting & fishing group, and seems to be a bit focused on killing things. And it’s set up so everyone does every session. I don’t have philosophical objections to killing things (if they’re not people and also I’m going to eat them), it’s just that I’ve never done it and also I don’t even like killing bugs. But I guess I have most of a year to think about that and maybe get used to the idea.

    6. pieismyreligion +6

      I’ve done these in Oregon and they’re great. I learned how much I like archery (but not for hunting) and shooting a gun (haven’t done it since, but it was fun), and did a multi-day kayak camping trip that led to me kayaking regularly. I wasn’t prepared for the number of women there purely to appease their partner, though. I was hoping to meet women who want to do outdoor things just because.

      1. kalat1979 +2

        Oh, that sucks. I hadn’t considered the motivations of the other women attending the camp, I am afraid everyone’s going to be much more outdoorsy and skilled than me and I’ll be pegged as “city nerd”. My partner really wishes he could find something like this for guys or couples, he wants to learn to be a useful person too.

    8. msmuses +4

      I was one of the people in that thread saying I could not fathom why anyone would want to sleep outdoors if the option of indoors was available to them. HOWEVER. I heartily endorse a woman who takes up activities loved by macho dudes and then is better than them at it. Good luck to you, madam!

  10. Samk12345 +71

    I was 10 feet away from Mallory and lost the ability to speak. She probably punched me in the face too I don’t remember. It was totally awesome.

    3. highjump +64

      She once sat next to a man on a plane. And he told her she was pretty. But she didn’t care and took all of the armrest anyway.

      1. aqueousmedium +29

        I hear all the men in the surrounding three rows immediately surrendered their arm rests to her.

    4. yrpretendfriend +14

      I saw Mallory Ortberg wearing a lacy dress and a lip ring, so I bought a lacy dress and a lip ring.

  11. deleted7410012 +25

    after 6 years of having a pixie cut, i’ve decided to try and grow my hair out. having reached this decision after much waffling for several months, part of my stupid brain doesn’t seem to understand why it hasn’t just suddenly grown. instant gratification, i demand it. help.

    1. ElizabethRWG +1

      I’ve spent the better part of a decade with a pixie cut, with a couple of growouts, and ugh, it is just the worst. I love having a pixie cut because I have wavy, unruly hair, so it’s just the easiest. But, I do get bored with my hair, which is why I grow it out every couple of years. I’m currently pixie-fied but I am once again feeling the urge to grow out. Why am I even doing this to myself? So, yes, I understand your pain. Once I start growing it out, I’ll just be frustrated with why it’s not growing fast enough.

      1. deleted7410012 +2

        yep, i have the big wavy poofy super-thick hair. but i barely remember what it’s even like when it’s not <1″. i’m guessing i’ll probably stick with the grow-out due to sheer stubbornness…but might make it to a bob and just think “eh” and go short again.

        at least we know that going pixie-short again is always a viable option! that’s actually quite comforting to remember.

      2. hotforchocolate +4

        Yeah, I have a pixie cut too and I love it but there’s this girl in my class who does the most amazing braids in her hair. Every time I see her I get crazy urges to grow my hair out despite my rational brain reminding me that I’m terrible at braids and that my long hair was impossible to style anyway.
        I get such bad hair envy.

        1. sailorfaith +1

          THAT IS ALMOST EXACTLY THE REASON I STARTED GROWING MY HAIR BACK OUT.
          That, plus Lara Croft’s braid.

      1. projectbeks +3

        In the same vein, Hair clips! You can sweep your growing bangs off to one side, and it will look like you worked on your hair when it took 5 seconds. I love that trick, and used it extensively while my hair was growing out.

        1. deleted7410012 +1

          i am kind of afraid that my hair is too thick and volume-y to stay pinned anywhere (…reminds me why i went short in the first place) but i’m going to look into some industrial-strength pins!

          1. projectbeks +1

            I also have thick hair, and I think the trick is to push back the shortest bits and see how that goes. Don’t expect to have a clip stay hidden, though. Pretty bobby pins are an option, but also maybe try something like this: http://www.hm.com/us/product/08106?article=08106-…
            If you are not a flower-y type person, there are a LOT of options out there on the interwebs for you. Pinup Girl Clothing has cute hair things with skulls, and there are other options, too, even at places like Claire’s (weird, but true!).
            Good luck, hair grower!

          2. artsandvice +2

            Agreed, H&M has some surprisingly decent hair flowers, and sometimes other things.

            My hair is also thick and poofy and stubborn. Do you know about doing the little 180 spin move with bobby pins when inserting them? Push it in just a tiny bit in the opposite direction from where you’d like it to go, then spin it around and push it the rest of the way. I think what happens is that this winds up a bit of hair around the pin, but whatever it is it really helps them stay put.

          3. deleted7410012 +1

            ahh, thank you! i have never heard of this before! but it sounds like it might actually do the trick.

            clearly i just need toasties to teach me how to hair.

          4. artsandvice +4

            Oh, also, the squiggly side of the bobby pin goes towards your head and the straight side goes out (apparently many people know this but I did not until really recently?)

            I am a person who was rather lazy/stubborn/disinterested in “beauty” things until my late twenties, I never wore makeup or did anything other than brush my hair, but then around twenty-seven I thought wait, if I am not-doing all these things solely as rebellion against Female Expectations, surely that is as limiting as doing them solely because I’m “supposed” to? All this to say, I am learning how to Hair and Eyeshadow relatively late in life (because it turns out to be kind of fun and there are cool alt-ladies doing video tutorials), and I second the motion that Toasties share tips in this department.

      2. deleted7410012 +5

        i am actually kind of giddy at the prospect of wearing one of those fancy lady scarf turbans. plus it’s going to be winter when it’s at its most awkward, so…hats hats hats!

    3. PonyAlong +3

      Wigs are your friend, says former Pixie Cut person. Go online, find a good discounter (Vogue Wigs come to mind) and start browsing!

      1. deleted7410012 +2

        i didn’t even think of wigs! i thought that maybe if i get too frustrated during the skater-boy-mullet-90s-shaggy stage, i could consider extensions, but wigs! thanks for the advice!

    4. seapartridge +8

      Good luck! There will be awkward times. Embrace it. Find a friend to chop the mullet frequently (unless that’s your thing, in which case, rock on, mullet girl.)

    5. Alli525 +4

      I have only had a pixie cut once (right before 8th grade, which is not a good time for anyone to get a radical haircut, let alone someone like me with non-pixie-like facial features) and I grew it out almost immediately with the help of headbands … they actually did a really good job of disguising the odd mullet phase.

      1. deleted7410012 +1

        i don’t think my hair will abide by headbands until it’s quite a bit longer…it’s so poofy and thick that it just kind of…poofy around the headband, haha. but maybe i can try some scarves!

        1. sailorfaith +1

          I wore bandanas tied around my head ala Rosie for much of my growing-pixie-cut-out stages – they stay in place better than headbands and look cute and also help cover up weird bumps/make your hair look casually mussed.
          Also get your hair cut by someone who knows what they’re doing frequently? Growing-out haircuts deteriorate into awful SUPER QUICKLY, I was too lazy/broke to go get my hair cut by someone else so just kind of hacked at it with sewing scissors irregularly to make it do different stuff and resigned myself to having terrible hair for the foreseeable future. It’s mostly shoulder length now (FINALLY) except for the left side where I had an undercut, which is now less than half the length of the rest of my hair and kind of stupid looking. I wear bandanas a lot still.

    6. rubeseatsinfo +3

      i feel you. i’ve been growing it out for two years now from a mannish pixie/top-of-ear-bob-thing and it still has another year before it’s where i wanted it.

      you will get there. and if you’re less crazy and “I WANT PURPLE MERMAID HAAAAAAAAAAAIR” than me, you will get there sooner than i did.

    7. snani +2

      This is way late because I am on Australia Time but this is a topic near to my heart. My hair’s JUST gotten long enough to kind of pin it all up and back in a tiny little bun on my neck, and that’s growing from shaved on one side!

      My main trick with such a painful process is a) get SOME haircuts (not a lot) so you have a hairstyle you don’t totally hate. You will still hate it. But I also used to pin back the shorter side with bobby pins the kind of fluff and curl and spray the other side, which actually looks like an intentional haircut.

      My other problem was learning how to deal with longer hair so maybe invest in some brushes or hair oil or such if, like me, you just washed and went with your pixie. Good luck!

  12. ArsenioB_Ham +10

    Nicole, I’m so sorry you’re sick. I hope you are better again real soon!

    Toasties, I am still waiting to hear about a potential promotion at work (pretty much locked in, but I haven’t gotten an offer from HR yet and my bosses have not said anything other than, “Have you heard from HR yet?”) AND about a potential job at another university in their Title IX office that would be sooooo gooood to get. I am not good at being in limbo, but I’m likewise dreading my bosses’ reactions if I resign my current job after accepting the promotion, which I would almost certainly do if this other job worked out.

    Has anyone else been this situation before where they’ve had to choose whether or not to burn bridges at a job?

    1. RoseCamelia +4

      Never burn bridges. Far too costly to you. Almost never a real cost to anyone else. You have too much to lose and everything to gain with self-control and the high road.

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +3

        To clarify, I do not WANT to burn any bridges; I just think that if I leave my current job to take one that would be better for me in the long run, my current bosses would be rilly rilly upset.

        Just wondering what the fallout has been for other people who have left “good enough” jobs for jobs that appear to be much better long-term prospects.

        1. mbculver +8

          What is the timing on the awesome job? Would you be able to find out about it before you accepted the promotion in your current workplace?

          I think you wouldn’t burn bridges if you handled it the right way. If you get the awesome job and you talk to your current employer about you loving your current job but this being too good an opportunity to pass up, that’s not really burning bridges.

          But if you get the new job, tell your current boss you’re Audi as of now, and then flounce through the office saying, “LATER BITCHEZZZZZZ!!!!!!” that might not go over so well.

        2. paperbgprincess +3

          Depends on your bosses, I think. Would they be upset because they’d take it personally and treat your leaving as a personal betrayal? Because if it’s that, then take the other job. But if they’re more adult about it and there are real professional reasons they’d be upset? Think about those.

        3. ladyimogen +4

          Obviously you know your bosses better, but one thing I’ve loved about working at a university rather than a non-profit is that moving on is generally accepted and even congratulated, rather than viewed as a betrayal. If they’re decent bosses, they should be perhaps bummed or frustrated, but still able to give you good recommendations in the future if it’s handled respectfully now: “I really appreciate what you’ve done for me, what I’ve learned here, the opportunities I’ve received, but this other position is both a big step up and in line with what I’d like to pursue in my career, and I can’t turn it down. I understand you might be frustrated but I hope we can part on good terms!” Especially if you’re able to offer some sort of transition plan…

    2. SSVerity +3

      I am in a very similar situation! Mulling over a possible jump from academia to the federal government. I’ve managed it so far by being as up front as possible with my current bosses.

      I agree with the advice from paperbgprincess to think about whether it’s because of personal reasons or professional reasons that they’d be upset. In my case, I know they will be SAD about me leaving (one boss half-joked that he’ll cry), and nervous about the effect my leaving will have on them (I do a shit ton of work, on top of which I recently took over from another person who left), but because we have talked it over at several points I also know that they agree accepting the other position (if it’s offered) and moving on would be the best move for me career-wise. And honestly, if your current bosses are unwilling/unable to see that it would be a good career move for you, they’re not good bosses.

    3. blunderbusst +4

      Thing I have learned from 15 years of job-hopping: your good bosses always know your skills well enough to know they’re lucky to have you for as long as they get you, and they are never surprised when something better comes along to snatch you up. They are grateful for the time they got to mentor you, they leave the door wide open should you want to come back to your old position or level up to a new one when you’re ready, and they would generally love to throw you a congratulatory party to celebrate the new phase of your life, even though they will look sad and lonely the whole time because no one ever ruled ass on a spreadsheet like you do.

      Your crap bosses won’t notice because (presumably) people quit on them all the time and that must just be because people are awful so just hand them your professionally worded and well-typed resignation letter and ask if there’s any particular way they’d like you to hand off your current assignments and then go celebrate with your friends.

  13. logicbutton +19

    Feel better, Nicole! 🙁

    Toasties, do any of you like pictures of baby farm animals? You do?! Well, have some pictures of baby farm animals that were at the Minnesota State Fair last week! (in reply)

    1. logicbutton +34

      These lambiekins were born the previous morning. Their names are Taco and Gyro.

      This is Ferdinand. He was born that morning.

      This is a pile of ducklings. That one on the bottom kept strutting around and flapping his downy lil wings.

      This is a pile of piglets. “About six months from now, you’re gonna be buying this guy at Cub Foods,” said the guy holding one.

      This is a baby goat.

      2. ArsenioB_Ham +3

        I’m surprised there were piglets! The woman at the Montgomery County Ag Fair said that there wouldn’t be a lot of piglets at fairs this fall because there is an epidemic killing off piglets right now and a lot of farmers are taking precautions around exposing their baby pigs. I’m jealous you got to see some!

        1. logicbutton +2

          Oh no! I’m not sure I’d even heard about that, but there were definitely lots of piglets around.

        2. laurenipsum +3

          Yeah it’s kind of horrifying actually. I don’t know how far it’s spread geographically — I haven’t heard of anyone in the PNW getting it, but we are mostly small-scale folks, not commercial hog farms — but basically the very young piglets die of dehydration because of diarrhea. 🙁 Poor little buddies

        1. ballisticjaguar +4

          This statement reminds of the anime Silver Spoon, in which the entire first season contains a continuing arc about the main character coming to terms with raising an adorable piglet runt and its ultimate fate as food.

          I highly recommend it!

          1. spideress +2

            Pork Bowl! I’ve been meaning to finish reading Silver Spoon, I got distracted 2/3 of the way through. Thanks for reminding me!

          2. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

            I have been trying & trying to get that onto the schedule for our weekly-anime-watching! I’m glad to hear it’s good!

      6. thatgrrl13 +5

        Were these from that terrifying place called the Miracle of Birth or Life or Something building? Because I think that’s the single most terrifying place in all of Minnesota. I went in once only to come face to, well, not face, with a cow delivering afterbirth and I swear I lost my libido for about a month. Instead of abstinence education or self-esteem education or any other form of sex-preventative education, all teenagers should just have to see that a few times a year. Not even the adorable fuzzy newborns could compensate for that nightmare of biology, which also expanded my certainty, ala Shulamith Firestone, that all mammals should be developed in buckets, not bodies.

        1. logicbutton +1

          Yup! Miracle of Birth, best part of the fair. There was a cow standing around in there that I guess had given birth not too long before because it had a placenta just hanging out. I didn’t take a picture of that, though.

    2. catoclock +8

      I went to a local fair last week and saw an ENORMOUS pig with the MOST ENORMOUS PIG BALLS, but sadly the only picture I took was a Snapchat I sent to my bff, so many regrets 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

      2. laurenipsum +14

        Our boar (man pig) is named Balls. Our neighbor’s is named Willy, which I think is where my husband got the idea for anatomy-themed names. I wanted to name him Simon because his breed is Tamworth and then I could call him Simon Tam (from Firefly) but Balls is just too apt.

  14. winterbymorning +34

    Me-news: My evil lizardbrain is trying to psych me out of applying for this job. Hey, I meet like 90% of these qualifications! yeeah but you’d have to write a cover letter and those are the WORST This seems like a cool job and I’d have a short commute in a nice part of town! but you’d have to interview for it and you suck at interviews Husband works for the same organization (in a totally unrelated department) so we could have lunch together and be all cute and stuff! they won’t hire you precisely because he works there I will put together my application materials over the weekend! or you could read Invincible Iron Man and watch Netflix until you fall asleep in bed

    shut upppp lizardbrain I will not let you get between me and gainful employment and generally being a competent adult

    Gertrude-news: Apparently all is still well with the new boyfriend and newer job, and she’s also doing a woodworking program (?). I am tentatively bringing down the red flag. We shall see.

      1. winterbymorning +8

        I am as shocked as everyone else! There are so many questions I want to ask her, but I don’t want to make it obvious how sketchy and weird I consider the whole situation – I don’t want her to feel like I’m judging her.

    3. rmless +18

      I’ve been checking all sorts of random threads here for more Gertrude news… I am totally hooked on this soap opera of someone I’ll never meet!
      So what does she say the job really entails?
      And did that signing bonus check clear?

      1. CleverManka +31

        I’ve been checking all sorts of random threads here for more Gertrude news… I am totally hooked on this soap opera of someone I’ll never meet!

        Me, too. It’s like the Hey Ladies posts, only real life.

    5. RoseCamelia +23

      Please check with Gertrude in 2 weeks and confirm she received actual *money* for this “job”.

      1. Frenz_lo +20

        If so, plz verify whether it was crumpled bills in a greasy sack, a check from a personal account made out to “CASH” with “BUSINESS” in the memo line, or a legit payroll check.

    6. parlato1973 +4

      cover letters are kinda the worst, but they are only the worst for the time it takes to write them. i say go for it!

      glad to hear gertrude’s red flag reportage has slowed. maybe she has gotten into set building.

  15. catoclock +8

    Toasticles! My intrepid trivia team has been invited to guest host trivia in a few weeks! We are all very excited and very very nervous! We’re in the process of finalizing our set, but I thought it might be fun to check in here and see if anybody has any cool trivia questions to share.

    So: favorite weird trivia? My expertise lies almost exclusively in bizarre animal facts and children’s literature, so basically anything else will definitely impress me.

    1. paperbgprincess +10

      My favorite trivia questions are ones that can be reasoned out even if you don’t know the answer right away.

      Although — one of my favorite questions I ever asked was “What’s the capital of Canada?” and I LAUGHED SO MUCH at all the wrong answers everyone gave. (I’m in California. Sorry if you are in Canada and that question is unhelpful to you.)

      1. catoclock +2

        Those are my favorite too! They’re so immensely satisfying when you figure them out.

        I am not in Canada! But, this particular trivia is super intense and full of cutthroat mega-nerds who would probably be super confused if we asked something that “easy” (what kind of answers did you get though?????)

        1. paperbgprincess +2

          Just, like, all the other cities. Lots of Torontos. I think one person said Montreal, even. Might’ve been a Calgary. It was pretty funny.

          This was a relateively cutthroat one too, and this was question #1. Only maybe 2 or 3 teams got it.

    2. meetapossum +4

      Grover Cleveland is the only president born in New Jersey AND the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms.

      Harry S Truman was the first president to appear on television.

      Hmm…I seem to have a lot of presidential trivia.

      Do you have themes for the rounds or are they all just hodgepodge?

      1. catoclock +3

        Nope, no themes! It’s 30 questions total and each team writes their answers on a score sheet. After question 15, the sheets are collected and scored, the correct answers are read out loud, and sheets are returned. Then there are 15 more questions, another round of scoring, and the top five teams are announced. Topics are typically alllllll over the place, though there are rarely sports questions and a fair number are puzzles of some type (anagram, visual clues, audio clues, that kind of thing).

        I love the Truman one! I would never have guessed that.

    3. celery +6

      “My expertise lies almost exclusively in bizarre animal facts and children’s literature”

      Well that covers my areas of expertise…

      1. celery +2

        I go to trivia all the time, so I was thinking, “This was a terribly unhelpful response, I should actually share some trivia. Oh! I know! The fact about bald eagles!”

        Bald eagles are animals.

        But I’m sharing this anyway.

        You know how when you see a shot of bald eagles in movies or TV shows, they always have this really majestic call? That’s actually the call of a red-tailed hawk. Bald eagles sound kind of like a chicken mixed with a seagull, and Hollywood decided that wasn’t impressive enough for our national bird.

    4. deleted7410012 +7

      no good trivia questions here, but if you have a picture round, one of the most enjoyable picture rounds i ever played was book covers! just twenty book covers with the titles/bylines either cropped out or covered, and then we had to name the books.

      1. catoclock +5

        Ahh, the guy who normally runs it has done something similar a handful of times, and I always love it so much! He’s also done movie posters, and fairly frequently will do a question with a bunch of logos where you have to name the brand (which is surprisingly hard).

    5. WanderingDancer +6

      My favorite is that the Latin term for Guinea worm infection (Dracunculiasis), a super cool/gross neglected tropical disease, loosely translates to “infection with little dragons.”

    6. ToTheIsLand +9

      Um,

      The little nubbin in the cartilage of the upper, outer portion of your ear (which you may or may not have) is called a Darwin’s tubercle. He postulated that it is left over from when our ears had points.

      The Japanese sent a diplomatic contingent to Europe in the 17th century (!), and many residents of the Spanish city of Coria del Rio still trace their ancestry back to that envoy (and have a higher propensity for mongolian blue spots than the general population, which also makes sense, genetically speaking). [I just learned about this last week]

      Hagfish are the only living species to have a skull, but no spine (which puts them in this weird category between vertebrates and invertebrates). They also produce astonishing amounts of slime/mucous when agitated and can tie themselves into complete overhand knots (which they use to get leverage when biting chunks out of carcasses)

          1. Steph +3

            There’s people at my old uni who do research on hagfish slime! It is so gross and so cool! The ocean is full of such weird,gross critters. <3

      3. ct330 +14

        Our ears had POINTS?!

        All the LOTR fanfiction I read in high school where some Elves stayed on in Middle Earth instead of going to the Grey Havens, and now live among us, rich and powerful and ridiculously attractive but also so heartbreakingly lonely and apathetic until one klutzy-yet-irresistable heroine comes along and steals Legolas’s ancient sadsack little heart, suddenly seem much more plausible.

      4. m98widow +3

        My left ear has this, but not my right.

        I also cannot wear earbuds in either ear, but the problem is much worse in my left ear.

        1. laurenipsum +3

          ME TOO! Not the earbuds, but the left ear with the nubbin and the right ear without. Weird!!

          Gonna go check out everyone’s ears now, brb

    7. GreenGrasses +9

      I will give you the question that stumped my team last week – tapioca is made from the root of what plant? Cassava!

      I have also always wanted to be asked which horse appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated because I am That Horse Girl, but I never have been. The answer is Secretariat!

      1. catoclock +5

        Those are both great! Though I have been avoiding horse questions because there is a Horse Team that wins all the time and I don’t want to play into their hands…

    8. coloredlights +6

      I am a huge geography nerd! I shall contribute weird facts. God I love trivia.

      The only two doubly-landlocked countries in the world are Liechtenstein and Uzbekistan.
      The closest US state to Africa is Maine.
      The most populous European city that is not a capital is Istanbul, even if you only count the population of the Euro side.
      Nepal is the only country with a non-quadrilateral flag.

      My preferred trivia company sometimes does questions like “name the 5 countries that border Syria,” which I love.

      1. catoclock +5

        I haaaaaate geography questions, so thanks! I was never going to come up with any that didn’t totally blow.

        Most recent geography question at mine: “Name the 7 largest Mediterranean islands after Sicily and Sardinia.” We actually got 5 of them, it was a good geography showing for us.

        1. coloredlights +4

          Oh man, that’s a rough one. I looked it up to see if I was right and there’s a whole lot more Greece going on there than I thought.

          The Istanbul tidbit above is from this question: “name 5 of the 7 most populous cities in Europe that are not capitals.” We got 4, mainly because I second-guessed myself too much.

        2. deleted2997279 +2

          Another good geography tidbit is that Reno is actually farther west than LA or San Diego, although it does play into anyone from the west!

    9. lilsebastian01 +4

      I’m actually a trivia host! It’s the best job. Most of my favorite rounds are themed rounds, so those are out for you, but in general I think anagrams are really fun (did you know Britney Spears is an anagram of Presbyterian?) because when you have it you KNOW you have it. We had a round where we were given the definitions of two homophones and had to put the words — so “to compare” and “a type of moss” (answer below). Alternatively, questions where you can fight for a while are good. Questions about which thing is further east or west are fun (like the Reno or LA question above) — did you know Ottawa is east of DC? I’ve gotten that wrong TWICE because it seems impossible. Montpelier Vermont is the only state capital without a McDonalds.

      Give up on the homophones? It’s liken/lichen.

      1. lilsebastian01 +2

        Also! If you’re writing your own questions, when I first started it was really hard to ask questions with precise enough answers to be useful. I in general recommend against questions where the answer is a number (Like “How old was this person when they did this thing?”) because it’s very hard to get it perfectly right. Recently I had a round about “guess the language based on a phrase in that language,” and it was very very difficult to grade because the phrase was very similar in a lot of related languages, so it opened up a lot of possible right answers.

  16. paperbgprincess +24

    You guyyyyys I had a pretty good first date this week! And there will be a SECOND date this weekend! I haven’t been on a second date in ….. well, yeah. Second dates are hard. Who has second date tips?

    2. elsamac +17

      Is the date planned? If not, I suggest ANY INTERACTIVE THING: museum visit, minigolf, play pool, go to an arcade, pack a blanket and pick up a picnic together at the farmer’s market and/or fancy deli. Something that gives you both a common point of interest to talk about makes it so much easier to get a conversation started with someone you know just a bit.

      This is why movie-and-coffee or movie-and-dinner is such a stand-by: the movie serves as an ice-breaker, giving you both a natural entry point into conversation. But it also means spending 90+ minutes next to someone in silence, so it’s not always ideal.

      The ultimate second-date tip: you’re great. Your date thinks you’re great. we think you’re great, and I sure as heck hope you know you’re great. This isn’t where your date looks closely to see whether you’re great because YOU’RE GREAT. This is one more entertaining time to see if you and your date fit well together. (p.s., YOU’RE GREAT.)

      1. paperbgprincess +6

        awww, thank you!!! YOU’RE GREAT TOO. 🙂

        It’s tomorrow afternoon and so far the plan is to take a walk somewhere, then play Bananagrams in a park or a cafe or somewhere. Hopefully a good mix of conversation and then game playing where we don’t have to talk as much.

          1. paperbgprincess +7

            I stole this second-date from a friend. He just moved in with the person who went on this second date with him. I hereby offer this second-date to anyone else who needs one.

    3. rmless +8

      The second date is the time to make out (while standing up) and see if you want to actually make out again later. Test that chemistry!

    4. robotneedslove +7

      If my second date with my current live-in beloved is any guide, I suggest: 1) wear a low cut top 2) get a bit drunk 3) let him take you to a park in a kind of dodgy area in town after getting a bit drunk and there be like “KISS ME YOU IDIOT” and finally 4) make out in front of a strip club while you wait for your cab, to accompanying cat-calls.*

      YMMV.

      *ETA: man, I was just remembering how many times we got cat-called or honked at while making out on the street in the early days of our relationship. That was heady times. heh.

      1. paperbgprincess +4

        awwwwww that sounds like a really fun date. #1 I can do easily, but I’m not sure about the rest of it … I’m too shy for much PDA. but who knows, maybe the spirit of bananagrams will compel us.

  17. bastardsnow +75

    Toast, Anne Helen Peterson favorited one of my tweets. You may all bask in my reflected glory.

    Additionally, Mallory posted an article about Giles and his MLS just a few days before my birthday. This is surely proof that Mallory loves me and wants me to be happy.

    Finally, my wife’s birthday was yesterday, and she is a wonderful, beautiful person, and I love her dearly. Perhaps the best present I gave her this year was reminding her last night that, in fact, we had not yet watched this weeks Great British Bake Off, and we could do that when we got home from dinner. It was good.

    1. Fluffernutter +9

      My husband and I watch Big Brother (don’t ask why because I don’t know), but I forget that it is on every. single. time! And it airs three nights a week! Husband’s favorite is to say, “Big Brother is on tonight!” and watch my face fill with remembrance and joy.

    2. thedaela +11

      This is surely proof that Mallory loves me and wants me to be happy.

      ^^ me, every morning, as I refresh “http://the-toast.net/author/mallory-ortberg/”

  18. anninyn +61

    Ok, everyone, how rude is it to boast about my photography for the second time this week?

    I am getting SO MUCH BETTER AT IT and I am SO PROUD and I wouldn’t have even tried without you all, so thaaaaanks.

    4. PonyAlong +1

      Beautiful! Love the line work that is going on in there, plus the composition helps pull it together. Good work!

        1. PonyAlong +2

          Hah! I’ve forgotten most of my “art-speak”, but if you want to learn more, pick up any Modern Art magazine; they are usually chock full of “in the post/pre modernist age….”

          Sent from my iPad

    5. parlato1973 +2

      it’s so rude, and even more rude that you are actually in this gorgeous place to begin with!

      beautiful!!

      1. anninyn +1

        This gorgeous place is ten minutes walk from my house – and it’s only that far because I have to double-back once I’m out of my neighbourhood.

  19. PRockette +5

    I sprained my ankle at roller derby last night. It was so painful, that I spent hours in the ER freaking out that it was broken. Now I wish it had been because the doctor said I’ll be off skates for 14 to 16 weeks! Any tips for staying fit while effectively one-legged? Any one have success with Aqua Fit?

    1. loren_smith +4

      I love Aqua Fit! I find I have to really push myself to get the work out I’m looking for, because the baseline of fitness in the classes I’ve attended is lower than my own, and it’s easy to fall into the group pace, but I really like it!

    2. Frenz_lo +5

      My derby-specific injury recovery advice is to avoid picking up a bunch of extra league admin work while you’re injured. It’s a trap! Best wishes for your recovery.

    3. RubyArbogast +2

      Be sure to eat well! It’s tempting to eat less when recovering from an injury, due to the decreased physical activity, but your body needs lots of fuel to repair the damage. Protein is important.

    4. elisbradshaw +4

      Use the time to bone up on your flexibility and strength! You can do a lot of seated upper body & core strength work on one leg, and work on flexibility that will help your body hopefully not injure itself easily in the future.

      And definitely let your ankle heal COMPLETELY before you start again. I was desperate to exercise again and I fell for the siren-song of “oh, I feel 85%, I’ll start now & the rest will catch up”, and ultimately that’s led to ongoing problems in my ankle AND my hips due to favoring that not-quite-healed ankle. It’s better to wait the extra two weeks than to end up back in physical therapy over and over when you keep hurting yourself.

    5. socktantrum +4

      Ankle sprains are the worst… I sprained the same ankle 2 times last fall because I didn’t let it heal properly the first time, so be careful there.

      Yoga is a good option to keep flexibility and strength up while injured–just let the instructor know before class what’s going on and if they’re competent they’ll suggest adjustments for you throughout class. I watched my favorite yoga instructor make personalized modifications for a woman with a broken arm in class the other day, so I’m sure they can work with a sprained ankle.

    6. etcetc99 +1

      My leg was broken several weeks ago, so I might be a lil more immobile than you. But! There are lots of arm, ab, leg, and back strengthening exercises that might work. I found an app with a series of three different workouts for each, so I can just do them from home (so much better than a gym!). Not nearly the same fitness level, but it’s such a relief to be able to exercise!

    7. lilsebastian01 +4

      Water aerobics is the absolute best. I vote yes on water aerobics. You’ll probably do better on deep classes than shallow classes, if your gym offers both, because the fact that you’re in the water doesn’t change the fact that the floor is concrete.

  20. Es_Petal +10

    I finally started physio for my back problem on Wednesday, which was pretty exciting because it’s been going on for over a year and I am bored of it. Physio thinks it is facet joint dysfunction, where the vertebra that the sciatic nerve comes out of got a wallop in the accident that started it, the ligaments stretched out with the inflammation because I’m hypermobile, and haven’t gone back, so the joint is wobbling around when I move and whacking the sciatic nerve. I have gym ball exercises to start stabilising it and building up the little muscles round it because the ligaments are not able to do what they should. She also acupunctured me, which was weird – I am allergic to pretty much all painkillers so part of the problem has been that it’s too painful to do anything that will help it. So it’s going to take ages but I am hopeful it’s at least starting on the right path for me to get my body back.

    And I found a wasps’ nest onthe way to the shop to get my gym ball. It was not in my spare room.

    Wasps's nest

    1. ellehmariat +3

      Good for you for taking action! I need to set up an appointment to start physical therapy for my bladder problem (weird right) but I’ve been putting it off for the whole summer.

      1. Es_Petal +3

        Do it! I’ve been being shuttled between consultants and GPs and MRI machines for bloody ages while they all disagree what’s wrong with me, such a reief to finally find someone whose explanation fits the symptoms and can plausibly pinpoint why all the eight million other things I’ve been told to do haven’t worked.

  21. jhsaxena +65

    Ok other things. I am getting really exhausted with articles asking if people are “feminist enough” or other such questions. BUST just published one about Nicki Minaj, and last week I read a whole piece in Bitch Magazine about celebrities they would love to love if it weren’t for some things they did/said (Jon Stewart, Mindy Kaling, Lena Dunham, etc.)

    Why is it to hard to understand that no one is going to agree on everything 100% of the time? Hell, my best friends do/say things I don’t entirely agree with all the time, I would certainly expect it of people I don’t know. And yes, we should discuss these disagreements, especially if they’re harmful to other people, but I guess I’m frustrated at how dismissive it all gets.

    1. allofthewhine +22

      I know I am preaching to the Roxane Gay choir here, but Bad Feminist should be required reading for everyone, full stop, for this reason and many others.

    2. safvn +61

      I read a conservative article that said “modern-day feminism is a mess of contradictions” and I was like…well…yes.

      A movement that aims to advance the well-being of LITERALLY OVER HALF OF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD should have some contradictions, I think.

    3. Es_Petal +10

      I wasn’t thrilled with that Bitch article either. None of us are perfect, after all, and I don’t think it negates the good things these people do because they’re not 100% irrepropachable by everyone in the entire world.

      1. jhsaxena +28

        Yes! Also, who the hell hasn’t changed and grown in their politics over the years? I think back to shit I said and believed in college and totally cringe.

        1. Genevievenumba4 +9

          Thank FUCK social media hadn’t been invented yet. I can just pretend it never happened while trying very hard to be less cringe-worthy now.

      2. MaxMarvel +7

        I bailed on Bitch the first time they published something by a trans-exclusionary radical feminist. I don’t know if it was a one-off or not but this was someone who had really viciously gone after somebody I knew personally and I wasn’t willing to hang out and see.

        1. BellaG +14

          I hate-read them for a while and finally gave up on them when they did an expose of “Lucky Magazine”, which turns out to be *gasp!* about shopping!! (Yes, it said “the new magazine about shopping” on the front cover of every issue.) They highlighted a quote from the editor-in-chief saying that it deliberately focuses on shopping, and if women want to read the news, they can always read the NY Times. Like…are you highlighting this as a way of implying that women are incapable of reading the NY Times? That women are so clueless that if shopping magazines don’t print the news, women will never figure out what’s going on in the world?

          I think it was that same issue that had an article from someone who was talking about her friend who was raped and murdered, and said that perhaps if her friend had used skills from her kickboxing exercise class (which, btw, is not a self-defense class and is not taught as self-defense), maybe she wouldn’t have been raped and murdered. NO NO NO. Your friend was raped and murdered because some asshole raped and murdered her FULL STOP.

          Every issue had had at least one article that made me want to set the magazine on fire, but that particular issue was what made me finally give up even hate-reading the magazine.

          1. jhsaxena +13

            Omg that sounds like some Bryan Goldberg shit. Like “some women like shopping, and others are interested in current events. And some are interested in both! Women!”

            Man, I am not a regular reader, I just happened to pick up an issue when I had time to kill and no book to read at the cafe I was at. Maybe not as inclined to do that again!

          2. hotforchocolate +9

            I stopped when I read an article that was an “expose” of Lush. The tone of the article seemed to be disgust at the fact that Lush tries to make a profit as well as being ethical. Apparently you can’t do both.

            The article concluded that the only truly feminist cosmetics are the ones you make yourself.

            Because everyone has the time and resources to do that . :-/

    4. MilesofMountain +21

      I mostly refuse to read articles like that. Everyone has said something shitty once, and unless it’s a trend or something shockingly offensive chances are it’s probably not a dealbreaker for me. There’s something really discouraging about the idea of people being permanently defined by the worst thing they ever said.

    5. PunnyDreadful +49

      What do you mean? The aims and methods of progressiveness and social justice are crystal clear. They were laid out in the mid-1800s by a series of educated, aristocratic white men oh I’m beginning to see the problem here.

    6. jlper +31

      I care less about which people are “feminist enough” than which institutions are feminist enough, you know? And if we’re going to talk about people, let’s talk about dudes first.

    7. paperbgprincess +19

      I much prefer spending my mental energy celebrating the positive, feminist parts of people and things, rather than tearing down ones who aren’t “good enough.” Fuck that noise, I don’t have time for it, and if we aim to be truly supportive and loving of our fellow women we’ll allow them to do as they wish and praise when they do right, instead of expecting them to perform for us.

    8. paddlepickle

      I agree in general, but I am glad that at least someone is calling out Mindy Kaling’s shit– with her it’s not a few bad things, it’s a trend that seems to be being largely ignored because everyone wants to love her so much. She made a big joke out of a man being raped on her show, made some shitty sexist jokes on the show, portrays racial caricatures, made rape jokes on her Facebook page, and her writing staff is like 8/9 white guys, for starters. It has been driving me nuts that Jezebel and other blogs only post fun cutesy stuff about her and I’ve been relieved to see that Bitch has taken it up (also I could not find that article, may I have a link to it so my future comments can be more on topic?).

    9. annacperl +10

      Ugh, yeah. I hate-read a piece at Slate or Salon (I can’t keep them straight, because I don’t really care), which among other teeth-gnashing things, sneered at the idea that there are people enforcing other people’s feminism…while the author did exactly that (the worst was her claim that marriage is never a feminist act, “full stop.” Fine, lady. Enjoy your high horse.

      I, too, hate the dismissiveness of people we’re not in absolute accord with, of Twitter in particular. Look, my mom votes Republican. She’s also really fucking smart, and a personal feminist icon. Telling me that these things are mutually exclusive is not going to win me over; it’s going to make me think you’re an asshole.

    10. elsajeni +13

      Ugh. I think that stuff leads to a huge pitfall of its own, too, that isn’t addressed that much, which is, if we adopt this vow of “I can’t possibly like anyone or anything that isn’t 100% perfectly progressive all the time!” that seems to be the point of those kinds of criticisms, then we’re setting ourselves up for all kinds of denial down the road. Eventually we, our friends, our favorite artists, the TV show we love the most, etc. actually will fuck something up, and when they do, we’ll be that much more inclined to go “NO THAT DOESN’T COUNT AS OFFENSIVE, THAT WAS TOTALLY HILARIOUS SATIRE, IT WAS A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT” because it’s that or disavow them forever — we can’t both accept that they said/did something offensive and continue liking them.

      1. donkeywork +4

        I agree strongly with this, but would add that I read the Bitch article mentioned above and thought it did a great job of NOT falling into this knee-jerk commentariat tone of dismissal. I’m biased as a contributor and longtime fan, and can see how in a month (post-VMAs/Emmys/phonehacks) of general slimeballery it could be the final straw for someone, but to my eye it was both reasoned and reflective, with an emphasis on the reasons to like the people featured while acknowledging their squicky parts.

    11. sailorfaith +1

      Not to fixate on Bitch or anything (which I am doing) but I am super interested in what Toasties think of the magazine, I subscribed a year ago or so and haven’t actually really ever sat down and read any of the full-length articles because I get magazines and put them away somewhere and forget about them but I’ve read their online content and have actually met Andi Zeisler when I brought her to my college to give a talk and I’ve just noticed, since coming to the Toast, this huge difference between Bitch and Toast tones and I’ve been rethinking a lot about how much I want to invest in Bitch anymore. Their online content often has typos that bother me a LOT as a former editor person, and also quite a few, though not all, of the things I’ve read there just don’t… have much substance? I’ve been SIGNIFICANTLY more impressed/enamored with the Toast (obvi, because I’m here) and I think in theory Bitch is a great idea but in practice I think they do things questionably sometimes.
      Aauggh, feminist doubt, how I loathe thee.

  22. Faintly_Macabre +13

    Yo, I posted this last week but I was way late to Open Thread (thank you to the commenter who suggested I check the sports thread, though!). Are there any Pittsburgh Toastrons around? I’ll be there Monday through Thursday for a conference and I don’t know a soul. I’d love to have non-work-related conversation/sightseeing with any of yinz!

    Unrelatedly, I’m wearing an oversized cardigan to try to cover up my skimpy dress (damn heat!) at work, and realized when I went to the bathroom that I look like a high schooler being punished for breaking the dress code. Whoops!

      1. Faintly_Macabre +2

        Grr, I thought I replied to these lovely comments by email, but I guess that function doesn’t actually work. ach_so, it is the Pro Walk Pro Bike! At the David L. Lawrence Convention Center. I know the Strip District a little from PowerShift (though when I was there most of the surrounding places were shut), but the rest of Pittsburgh is mostly a mystery to me. I’m excited, but it’s looong days and no one else from my organization is going with me to split up the listening load. At least I have my own hotel room to veg out in!

        And they’re having an evening reception at the Warhol Museum! I’m not sure if it includes getting to explore the museum (I certainly would rather do that than schmooze), but I’ll make sure to check it out either way.

        1. ach_so +1

          Coooooool, that is so cool, have fun! The Pittsburgh biking community is awesome & I imagine everyone at that conference will be awesome.

    2. Rillquiet +8

      Good luck finding the locals. And if one of them is that badass federal marshal who ran down the guy who pantsed her while she was jogging, please help us buy her all the drinks she wants!

    3. ach_so +1

      That was me! I’m a Pittsburgher who doesn’t live there at the moment but I have serious radar for all mentions of the city.

      Are you going to Pro Walk Pro Bike, by any chance? I just realized that the days are correct. If so, have an awesome time!! I’m jealous. Umm and have a great time even if that’s not your conference! If I could only recommend one thing to do in the ‘burgh, it’d be the Warhol Museum, it’s huge and has non-Warhol stuff as well.

    4. deleted6984769 +1

      I’m from Pittsburgh!!! I was just reading this thread and wondering if there were Pittsburgh Toasties around.

    5. Faintly_Macabre +1

      I know this is very late notice (and I’m not even sure if it’ll email this comment to you if I reply to myself), but if either/any of you are free tonight or Thursday midday, email me at [email protected] (my shiny new Toast email address!). My hotel has a free shuttle that can get me places in a 3-mile radius of the strip district!

      1. meowmischen +1

        When you said “tonight” did you mean Wednesday or yesterday? I can’t tell what time this was posted! Emailing you shortly.

  23. miprisci +28

    I’ve started writing again, and I’m on a little bit of a tear! I’m hoping to have enough of the book done to be able to use NaNoWriMo as the final push to finish it. It is set in 1820s-era Key West, it involves sunken mummies, and I believe I have a pretty good story to tell.

    Anyone else working on anything creative??

    1. mbculver +10

      I’ve written three pieces over the past month, two of which are pretty much done and one of which needs just a bit more work. I’m trying to get up the courage to submit two of them to Nicole, especially now that she’s being kind but not nice.

        1. mbculver +3

          I have a long commuter train ride, 2 hours a day…and some interesting (to me, at least) things to write about.

    2. ct330 +6

      I just found out that a story I submitted over the weeknd was rejected today 🙁 BUT I took a chance and submitted it simultaneously to another magazine (they had the same deadline) so HERE’S HOPIN’ the other one will like it. They didn’t want simultaneous submissions, but I busted my butt on that story for seven hours straight so I was like…screw it.

      Also, this weekend I’m working on a short story for Rogue Hearts erotica anthology. There will be swashbuckling bisexual lady pirates and/or sailors in drag, and William Brown is definitely going to be the inspiration for one of them.

      1. miprisci +2

        It is a worldwide injustice and a tragedy that the Wikipedia page about William Brown can fit on a single computer screen. It would be an injustice for it to fit on just one internet. Good luck, it sounds amazing!

      2. MuseKray +1

        I’ve been agonizing about my novel for about a year when I had a sudden epiphany on how to make it work out. I hadn’t dived in too much yet (mandatory overtime at work) but just knowing how to make it better has made me immeasurably happy.

    3. SarcasticFringehead +4

      I’m working on sewing approximately a thousand fabric flowers to replace the wedding centerpieces I have all over my house, because I love having those pops of color everywhere but, you know, divorce. Also I want to learn to paint with acrylics (I mean, I don’t think it’s all that hard in terms of getting paint onto a thing, but I still have to just get to it.

      Also I want to read a book about 1820s mummies.

      1. miprisci +10

        Cool!!!

        Something I’m dealing with: So, obviously 1820s America, and especially in the South, was not a great time to be anything other than a straight white male. In my story, I don’t want to pretend that wasn’t the case and that everything was totally fine and awesome for women and for people of color. But it’s also primarily an escapist adventure/mystery story. I don’t want it to be ABOUT systematic racism, slavery, and sexism, but I don’t want to ignore those, either.

        It’s something I’ve been trying to be conscious of as I plot my novel and develop the characters, and I’m trying to make sure all of my characters have agency, even those who are trapped in a despicable institution against their will. I’m finding it difficult to balance the fairly light-hearted rompiness of the protagonist’s adventure with the hell happening all around him. And I suppose that should be difficult. But I still hope I can find a way to tell a fun story about shipwrecks and mummies that also acknowledges that elsewhere, life is pretty shitty for lots of people.

    4. projectbeks +4

      I’m actually at a wall writing-wise, but I’m sewing a lot more, so maybe they are swapping places in my life at the moment. I’m okay with that, as it’s allowing me to finish a lot of things I had left half-done.
      Your novel sounds awesome, by the way!

    5. PonyAlong +5

      Yup! Just working on a collage piece called “Riding a Straight Line (Slocan)” using an old map of BC, vintage western advertising, and vintage dress making pattern paper.

      It’s small, cocky, and hopefully a visual treat!

        1. PonyAlong +1

          Darn it! I sent you a sample of a collage AGES AGO but it’s not showing up here in the comment section. Boo!

          Let’s try again using this……hmmmmmm…..nope. Dammit, I hate being computer illiterate.

    7. anninyn +2

      Still my novel, but I’ve been too stressed to do much more than 100 words here or there.

      I’m learning how to take nice pictures, an I’m learning to knit, too. I can do a clumsy, cackhanded stockinette stitch now! But my edges are always lumpy or baggy and I don’t know how to fix it. Eventually I’ll have to go to a class.

    8. ladyimogen +8

      I think I’m going to do NaNo again this year, too! I did it two years ago and won, and then last year I thought about it but couldn’t get the motivation up because I’d already proven to myself I could do it so where was the big challenge? (Obviously it would still be a challenge but my brain is weird about motivation). Trying to decide whether to:
      a) Rewrite the first novel given some great feedback I’ve received, and flush it out further
      b) Write the second story in that series, since the characters all exist in my head and I’m excited about the next couple and it’s new
      c) Go in an entirely different direction and write northern fantasy with dog teams and skijoring and aurora and sound distorted by sub-zero cold, which would be appropriate writing material for November in interior Alaska
      d) Go in a DIFFERENT entirely different direction and write a historical with a fallen-from-great-wealth heroine who is good at witty conversation and cocktails and tennis trying to make it as a miner on a claim in Alaska that her scapegrace brother has disappeared from.

    9. parlato1973 +5

      i took some woodworking classes and embarked on my first self-teaching project: i’m making a ply mock-up of a gustav stickley prairie settle/chair following some plans in a craftsman furniture book. i’m almost done, have learned some lessons and made notes, and maybe ready to do it in hardwood…!

      1. miprisci +4

        That’s awesome!! I do some woodworking with hardwoods, but mostly really small stuff like knife scales. I did make a table from some reclaimed wood a little while ago, though!

        I’m impressed you took on a chair, that’s so fucking cool!

        1. parlato1973 +2

          i only took on this chair, because it’s all square corners & joinery. so while it does look cool and all, it’s a lot easier than most chairs. but it’s also one of my favorite styles. and there’s a matching sofa that’s just a longer version of the chair, so i could really line up some goals here. ha ha.

          the woodworking is rewarding, but i have to admit, just knowing how to use all the tools is fun too.

      2. ladyimogen +2

        Whoa, making a chair just screams of such competence… so cool. Also, if you end up as a time traveler you will have some sweet skills!

    10. annacperl +6

      I started a romance novel set in the California Gold Rush–Chinese hero, heroine of French descent widowed on her journey west–like two years ago, and then got distracted by fanfiction (currently 75K up on AO3). I love writing fic, and I think it’s good, but it’s awfully hard to get Lit People to even consider reading it…so once I’m finished with the novella-length fic series I’m working on now, I want to get back to the romance. I’m not sure if it’s really a novel–might be a novella? But I want to finish it. Perhaps I’ll use NaNoWriMo as an excuse/motivation. Espesh if there’s a Toastie group.

    11. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      Ooooh, that is awesome, good luck!

      We are trying to do some creative writing stuff but our time keeps getting eaten by our daughter’s school because there is all of this ‘parents please come in and help with X Y Z’ stuff which is fun in the moment but then afterwards our precious precious free time is GONE. And then today there was a ‘parents have coffee with the principal’ thing which turned out to be an almost-2-hour meeting with powerpoint slides and stuff, not a 15m ‘hi there hi i’m the principal hi’ which is what we were expecting. I am torn between being glad that the school is encouraging parent participation (because studies do seem to show it does make a big difference in how successful kids are) and being really annoyed that the assumption is that I am full of free time to spend at the school instead of off doing stuff like (faciliating) writing.

      Well, uh, that turned into a rant, sorry. 🙂 If we can ever block out enough free time Cassandra will work on one of her 15 different projects.

    12. allanaaa +6

      Does anyone feel a need to separate creative writing from, like, academic and etc.? Because I don’t. But maybe I will stop hijacking other people’s writing threads in the future, maybe, if there is interest.

      In Ugh So Formal Writing News:
      I got an A on my thesis. No feedback. Just a mark on the ol’ transcript. Gonna have to badger my supervisor for actual criticisms and recommendations, I guess. I hate that feeling, but, whatcha gonna do. (What if her feedback is “I didn’t read it, I was busy and it’s 25000 words, gimme a break” though?!)
      Gonna serialize that fucker in an appropriate journal, though, for serious.

      I handed in an article for peer review on Sunday and then spent all week thinking of things I could’ve done better.

      I have two new-ish things on the go: one is finally outputting the results of a survey I completed A YEAR AGO that sat on a hard drive for ages because I was busy. The other is a brand new and totally hilarious idea I had yesterday which is basically satire and science at the same time. I’m going to do a really curmudgeonly legal analysis of metadata, and I’m so excited.

    13. jenavira +1

      Moving has utterly killed my ability to write anything more than 50 words at a time, but I’m starting to plot my NaNo novel (I have a great supportive writing group that just kills at NaNo) and I can’t wait for the move to be over so I can work on it in earnest!

      In the meantime, cross-stitch is immensely soothing, and I’m starting to contemplate designing my own patterns again. Right now I really want an anglerfish with a nice big MISANDRY caption.

  24. sednarea51 +13

    Does anyone have any hints on how to manage a constant sense of incipient panic at work, even though you /know/- logically- that you are doing fine and everyone’s happy with you? Background: after four years at my first job, during which I thought I was doing fine, my boss hauled me in and said he didn’t like my work, hadn’t liked it for some time, and I needed to find another position. So two jobs later, I think I’m still a little fucked up about my ability to judge if things are going OK or not. I like my job, everyone – EVERYONE- says I do good work, I’m pursuing a higher degree part-time, I want to stay here and they want me here- it’s just that part of my head is still going “oh fuck you could still fuck this whole thing up at /literally any second/.” Dumb brains.
    ETA: On a positive note, I got a hand-me-down queen bed as a gift last weekend and I have been lounging around on it like a smug motherfucker.

    1. paperbgprincess +11

      How about asking your manager for some feedback? Depending on your relationship with your manager, you might even want to explain the situation, or maybe not. But I think proactively asking for it is both great and also LOOKS great to your manager. Say something like “You know, I’ve been here for a while and I really like it, but I wanted to sit down with you to talk about how you think my work is going, and if I should keep going as I am or if there’s anything I can be improving.”

    2. thelyesmith +16

      My therapist says that anxiety behaviours tend to be based around avoidance, so instead of facing an issue head-on and experiencing a spike of fear, we maintain a steady elevated background level of anxiety that allows us to get away from dealing with an issue, and soothe ourselves by avoiding it – and always leaving it unresolved. Does your work have a regular performance review schedule? If not, can you ask for a performance review, and explain that you’re looking to ensure that you’re on the right track and see if there are ways you can improve? I think once you have an actual scheduled date where your work will be discussed instead of a gnawing fear of being metaphorically clubbed in the head with “this is everything you’ve been doing wrong this entire time!“, you’ll feel much better and more prepared and your anxiety will go away.

    3. logicbutton +7

      Aw man, fuck that guy. That’s terrible bossmanship and you (everyone, but for sure you) deserve better.

      Maybe try some mental roleplaying. Imagine the circumstances that could lead to something like that happening again, and what you would do if it did. That way you can at least calm the fear of the unknown.

    4. eastcoastanne +20

      Honestly a manager that doesn’t like your work, but doesn’t tell you until you are being fired is such an awful manager I would not trust their judgement AT ALL over what constitutes good work.

    5. blushingflower +15

      This is my new motto:

      Other than that, everyone has good advice. That dude at your first job was an ass, but I know how much our first relationships/jobs can really set us up with baggage for subsequent ones. If you don’t have a regular review process, ask for a meeting with your boss. If you do, keep a file in which you record everything you accomplish and all the positive feedback you get (copy/paste any emails, write down phone calls or other convos). This will serve two purposes: 1) it will give you ammo if you are angling for a raise/promotion and 2) it will give you something to look at every time you start to doubt yourself.

    6. winterbymorning +5

      I AM IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU, FRIEND. I always worry that everyone at work secretly hates me and the only reason I haven’t been fired is that it would be more trouble than it’s worth when my contract is over in 3 months anyway. I have no reason to believe this, but there it is.

    7. elsamac +7

      First, I think you might take a moment—even if you-ve already done this privately or publicly—to join us in a chorus of “OH HOLY FUCK, he did what?” That was not just a jerk move on the part of your former boss, it was a counter-productive jerk move. If someone’s work isn’t what you expect, you address that; you don’t drop it as a bomb. (Frankly that makes me think that it’s possible he trumped that up as an excuse to put someone else in that position. At the very best, he’s a terrible manager of humans.) That kind of treatment would mess up most anyone’s relationship to their own performance for a while.

      Step two is the advice others have given: if you don’t have performance evaluations to refer to, you ask your immediate supervisor to schedule a time to go over your performance, with the implicit message that you are so conscientious you want to be sure you’re meeting or exceeding expectations.

  25. toomanybicycles +5

    NYC Toasties, I need your help, I am going to your AMAZING city next week and I am totally overwhelmed by the amount of restaurants and bars and clubs. Where would you recommend to a prairie lady who’s 29 years old and makes $18 an hour and who pretty much loves all things Toast? I’m staying in the Flatiron district, if that helps. I went to Montreal last year and I loved it, I would live there in a flash.

    (Also accepting suggestions for footwear – I have super flat feet – that won’t kill me and do not immediately scream “rob me, I’m a tourist”. I guess it’s going to be fairly obvious that I am but I like to make a good-faith attempt at fitting in.)

    2. Samk12345 +9

      MOMA is free Friday night from 4-7PM. It is next to a lot of the famous NYC halal carts, which are $5-6 and feed 1.5 persons.

      Flatiron day 1- Walk down to donut plant on 23rd for a donut or two. Walk to the hotel on 22nd for intelligentsia coffee. You’re at the high line park, and you can walk down to 14th street, and go visit the Chelsea Market. It’s kind of really busy there but you can eat there if you want (the taco place is surprisingly good). Walk through Greenwich Village/West Village alternatively, you can get a great falafel sandwich at Taim for $5, or if you like italian, Faicco for a humongous sandwich for $12.

      Flatiron day 2 – coffee at the Toby’s Estate/Strand bookstore. Pastry at Maison Kayser. Madison Sq Park, you can stop by Shake Shack if you want. Eataly is there too, and I would avoid eating there unless you were getting the prime rib sandwich ~$15, enough for 1.5 persons/meals. From there you can walk to Union Square and East Village and eat something cheap there (Mighty Quinn’s for BBQ is reliably good unless you’re from texas/carolinas, brunch ice cream with bacon/french toast or the babka ice cream at davey’s, or sundaes and cones for something more classic, or big gay ice cream for fun.

      Go to williamsburg on saturday for the brooklyn flea/smorgasburg. Spend 8-10 on whatever you want. Next to it is oddfellows for ice cream, and mast bros chocolate shop where you can eat all the samples and not pay $9 for a bar. you can get coffee nearby at the blue bottle, the toby’s, parlor coffee, or something.

      bars, dead rabbit is amazing, but cocktails are $14. are you more for cocktails, beer, wine?

      1. toomanybicycles +1

        this is super, making notes. I like beer but it’d be nice to dress up and have a fancy evening. I go to pubs a lot more than I used to but I also like to get up and dance on occasion.

        1. Samk12345 +1

          If you want a classy evening out, the NoMad Library bar is nice, which is also near you. Check the menu before though. For dancing, I have no clue. Santos Party House should still be fun and new york-y, but no idea how the crowd is now. Same with brooklyn bowl.

          1. toomanybicycles +1

            Yeah I think we’ll just have to sort of wing it when it comes to nightlife, everyone has a different level of tolerance.

    3. ct330 +4

      Hmm…do you want to ONLY stay in Manhattan, or are you willing to travel to Queens? Because I know lotsa fun and yummy places in Queens!

      1. ach_so +2

        (sorry this is off-topic, everyone!) Hey, I found a biking group that is for women/trans/gender-nonconforming people that goes on rides & doesn’t look too serious. I thought you might be interested. Look up WE Bike NYC on Facebook!

        1. ct330 +1

          Woo!!! Okay, so my new favorite bar is LIC Bar. It’s a short walk from the Vernon-Jackson stop on the 7 train. They have free live music every Sunday all day, no cover, in their cute outdoor patio area AND dogs are allowed, so if you go, there is a chance there will be a big dopey dog licking your knees every time you walk past the bar to the bathroom. I discovered my new favorite band there, Elijah and the Moon. I saw them there again last weekend, totally unplanned, and after the set, the lead singer came up to me and was like, “Weren’t you at our other show?” **swoon** and I was like “I was at BOTH your other shows!” and he said “Well, that means you’ve seen us literally every time we’ve performed in NYC.” Heh.

          What else! There’s not much in the way of food at LIC Bar, but you can pick up sandwiches at Communitea (they have really good, cheap food) and sit under the Pepsi sign at Gantry Plaza, by the water.

          Elsewhere in Queens, there is Bohemian Hall, which is the oldest beer garden in the city, or Astoria Bier and Cheese on Ditmars, which also has a nice patio-y space.

          Basically everything I’m telling you to do in Queens is drink beer and eat grilled cheese, because that is what I do with all my spare time apparently???

          Not in Queens, but the best night of dancing I’ve ever had in NYC was at Shrine. In Queens, I’ve heard good things about Don Coqui in Astoria, but I haven’t gone there myself yet. I did hear it’s a bit pricey though.

          Food you should try: Meskerem in the West Village, for Ethiopian. Probably my favorite restaurant in Manhattan.

          Also, re: shark-walking in the city/fears of seeming like a tourist, I found thisyesterday, which is both funny, fun to read, and true.

          ETA: I just read that your hotel plans have fallen through!! D: If you haven’t found a place yet, I had a good experience with AirBnB when I was in London, fwiw.

          1. toomanybicycles +1

            We’ve got a hotel locked down and it’s centrally located, so that’s a relief. I will add these others to my Yelp to-do list – incidentally is that the app of choice for reviews? Every city is different (barely anyone uses it here).

            also DOG BAR WOO plus 10000 points

    4. deleted2997279 +10

      Re: footwear – one of my favorite things about NYC that I miss terribly is that someone is always going to look more like a tourist, more like a walk of shame, more like a bag lady (not a homeless bag lady, a “I wanted to take this cute bag but it doesn’t fit all my stuff so now I need 3 more totes” type of bag lady) than you. Wear something comfortable and don’t worry about it. What WILL scream tourist is stopping and standing suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk to gaze at [insert famous skyscraper here]. Not that I didn’t do that on my last trip anyway 😉

      1. toomanybicycles +3

        yeah everything I’ve read says “DO NOT STOP ON THE SIDEWALK” so I am channelling my inner shark. YOU STOP, YOU DIE

    5. constancegrady +8

      My go to “I am a tough lady in NYC, do not look at me but feel free to bask in the glory of my footwear” shoes are oxfords. You can walk in them forever and no one will shame you for them.

      But, I mean, you can definitely wear sneakers if you want; literally no one will say anything. If someone does say anything, they are a douche and on behalf of the entire city I grant you permission to punch them.

      1. ach_so +2

        My Frye oxfords are the most comfortable shoes I own, hands down hands down. Pricey but amazing.

        But yeah, OP, lots of people wear sneakers here. Hell, I’m wearing sneakers today because it’s Friday and my boss is out of town. Brightly colored Nikes ftw. Wear whatever you want!

        1. toomanybicycles +1

          thanks for reminding me I need to source out some Frye footwear when I’m there. I’ve been wanting a pair of boots for ages. The oxfords look amazing.

    6. winterbymorning +1

      My Geox ballerina flats are by far the most comfortable shoes I’ve had in years, although they’re on the pricy side.

      1. toomanybicycles +1

        Yeah those are about how much I pay for shoes too, I find few cheap shoes are worth the money.

    7. toomanybicycles +2

      Oh man thanks you guys for all the replies! I have a new crisis now which is my hotel that we booked in the spring is CLOSING. So instead of having a relaxing friday afternoon I am frantically clicking around Tripadvisor for hotels and checking if my flight can be refunded! Yay! This should teach me for ever trying to leave Saskatchewan.

      1. toomanybicycles +2

        one of the suggestions that came up is staying in NJ and taking the train in?
        edit, I see Long Island City is a better suggestion.

        1. coloredlights +2

          Try AirBnB? You can find reasonably-priced ones in many areas of NYC, and I’ve always had great experiences. (My company uses them to house visitors.)

          (Also I accidentally followed and then unfollowed you, sorry about that. I don’t know what following even means.)

          1. toomanybicycles +4

            Ha I saw that, it’s OK. I’m anxious about AirBnB but I’ll look into it. Things will work out since they have to. **channels Kristen Stewart jaw**

    8. coloredlights +2

      Don’t worry about not appearing to be a tourist. I see zillions of tourists every day and can often pinpoint what part of the world they’re from without hearing them speak, so really anything you wear could make you look or not look like a tourist (NYers wear sneakers too!). And you probably won’t get robbed if you stay in populated areas, even if you do look like a tourist.

      If you feel like being fancy for very reasonable prices, try Celeste at 85th & Amsterdam. If that’s too far from Flatiron for you, it has a sister restaurant on Bleecker called Bianca, but I like Celeste better. It’s a tiny Italian place with no sign, great food, and a huge wine selection. They don’t take reservations and can get very crowded, so try to go at a slightly off hour (like 5 or 6pm for dinner).

      There’s a little Mexican place called Ofrenda right off of Sheridan Square in the West Village, which makes my favorite margarita in the city (smoky jalapeno). Happy hour is 4-7pm Mon-Fri and it’s only $7 then.

      I also recommend getting lost in the trendy parts of Brooklyn (like Williamsburg, or around Smith St & Atlantic Ave) – you’ll find a million interesting places to eat/drink and some of them will be reasonably priced.

      I could go on but I feel like I’m writing a book – anything specific you’re hoping to eat/drink/purchase?

      1. toomanybicycles +1

        Oooh making notes here. We pretty much love all kinds of food, except for, like, Applebee’s. I’m aiming for more unique-ish NY experiences We’ve scored a teeny room in Midtown but with the subway (have I said how much I love subways and fast effective transit) most anywhere is an option. We have several days so I won’t feel pressed to do everything at once.

  26. literarysara +25

    Nicole, I visited my hometown over the long weekend and took this picture for you:

    It’s a paltry offering compared to #BuzzfeedLive, but perhaps the riddle of its existence will distract you from your pain.

  27. Absotively +10

    The recent Fallen London open thread sub-threads have combined in my head with that review of the book about the teddy bears to remind me that Cryptic Stitching exists and I think everyone should play it.

    It is built on the same engine as Fallen London, but doesn’t have a social aspect. What it does have is pre-industrial stuffed animal societies trying to survive the apocalypse. The setting and the description text is more light-hearted, but there’s a lot more actual emotional content. For instance, I’m investigating the mysterious deaths of specific plushes in a community near my own, as opposed to Fallen London’s endless parade of anonymous joke-y corpses. I personally like the resulting atmosphere better, although of course Fallen London is very nice.

    It does have the drawback that it’s a teensy bit unfinished and semi-abandoned at the moment. The StoryNexus-for-everyone thing ceased development at one point, so Cryptic Stitching’s developer is working on the next version on a different platform.

    Incidentally, the developer in question is Ursula Vernon, best known online for The Biting Pear of Salamanca (aka the lolwut pear) and Hugo-award-winning webcomic Digger.

    Seriously, it’s fun and everyone should play it.

    2. Hieropants +4

      Yes, highly recommended! Only the first act currently exists but it’s still worth playing & Ursula Vernon is perfectly suited to this kind of world-building.

  28. Frenz_lo +15

    -Area dogs were so upset that they were barred from the bedroom while I Slept When the Baby Slept for two hours this morning that they found and tore up…something with stuffing, seemingly. I don’t know. who cares. turn down for what. At least one perp also piddled on the floor, despite having just gone outside.

    -What Netflix offerings should I stream to half-watch while the baby nurses and or I try to get my brain to focus on my from-home work? Preference given to good-looking shows without a lot of graphic, on-screen violence (punching doesn’t count,) and actors I might recognize from other, more popular programs, (Longmire, which is about a cowboy sheriff in Wyoming who has an abiding sense of honor that leads to near-ceaseless punching and features Katee Sackhoff as non-Starbuck deputy from back east, is doing fine for now, but I’ll be out soon.)

    2. deleted2997279 +2

      Longmire sounds awesome! Parks and Recreation is a good one, if you don’t watch that already…most of the recent shows I’ve watched do not really fit your needs though! I may come back to this thread if I remember anything to recommend!

    3. Rillquiet +6

      “The Hour,” from the BBC, with a cast that includes now-Doctor Peter Capaldi and now-Q Ben Whishaw, as well as other British acting luminaries and some stunning work by the women in the cast, who kick ass in a wide variety of ways. Possible downsides: Desire to actually become Lix Storm, “Firefly”-level frustration that the show was canceled after only two seasons.

      1. ToTheIsLand +3

        LIX. Any concern I have in my heart for Bel and her poor decision-making pales in light of the fire I have in my heart for Lix. Oh my gosh.

    4. deleted6707794 +3

      My current ‘chill out after work’ Netflixing involves the BBC’s Wildest series. The Malaysia episode of Wildest Indo China has a very long scene of elephants meeting up on a riverbank for a mud bath party.

    5. Fluffernutter +4

      The Witches of East End is a good one! It’s only 10 episodes, but they are fairly long. It’s about adult two sisters (one of whom is played by Jenna Dewan-Tatum) who find out that not only are they witches, but so are their mother (Julia Ormond!) and aunt (Madchen Amick!). The clothes and sets are dreamy and the ladies are fierce. Virginia Madsen also plays a delightfully vicious future-mother-in-law.

  29. celery +8

    So for the past few weeks, we’ve been interviewing for a new position at my department (which is currently three people, counting me, all women). Yesterday was the first man we’d interviewed. My boss was leading into a question on how to deal with a troublesome author–she said something like “And of course, some times the authors push back against some of the changes you make”–and the man jumped with in “Well here’s how you deal with that!” and proceeded to launch into, essentially, his answer to the intended question, but phrased as if he was telling us how to do our jobs. That was my moment of misandry this week.

    My boss gave him the benefit of the doubt, saying it was probably just the rhetorical “you.” So I don’t know if my misandry was warranted or not.

    1. Es_Petal +6

      I had a minion like that once – she was good at her job, but not nearly as good as she thought she was, and she got all the authors’ backs up on a very regular basis, and I had to spend a fair amount of time unruffling feathers. I think a massive part of a subeditor’s skill set (I am guessing that is what you’re doing, or something related?) is not making the authors feel like shit.

      1. celery +4

        Yup, editing! Tact is suuuuuuuuuuch a huge part of the job. Which, to be fair, the interview candidate basically said. But the (probably unintentional) implication that my boss and I didn’t know that already got to me.

    2. sailorfaith +8

      I would be inclined to say that the fact that he automatically jumped into using the rhetorical “you” when being interviewed by women, instead of phrasing his answer with “I would do it this way” is an indicator that your misandry is totally in the right place but I tend to assume the worst of men a lot. But men are also the worst a lot. And the world could always use more misandry? Anyways, I hope you have better, less potentially-grating, applicants to choose from!

  30. anninyn +50

    oh a third post because i am basically a selfish waste of space who assumes that everyone is fascinated with me SHUT UP but I had a little bit of a breakthrough in therapy wednesday, and now it feels like there is a slightly sore scar in that part of my psyche instead of an awful infected wound and it’s great.

    1. mbculver +14

      Hey there, be nice to my friend Owl Queen, she’s awesome. So glad to hear about your breakthrough!

    3. radventuretime +5

      That’s amazing!! and congrats! Make sure to handle your psyche with care and treat yourself well post intense mental examination.

    4. figwiggin +6

      This is excellent to hear, buddy! You are no waste of space. I just started working with a new therapist and I think her guidance is going to be so good for me.

  31. Battle_Swine +40

    I didn’t get to read it until late yesterday because work was crazy bananas, but that “Every Comment on a Food Blog Ever” article from yesterday, along with its comments, was truly a thing of glory and I love you all.

  32. threatqualitypress +89

    Friends of the Toast, I do not have anything meaningful or interesting to contribute at this time, but my natural insecurity about my worth and relevance as a human being impels me to say something, even if its devoid of actual content, in the hope of securing some kind of external validation.

    I hope that’s okay with you guys.

    4. msjinxie +7

      Hey man, sometimes it’s nice just to take a moment to say ‘hi!’ to folks and have them say ‘hi!’ back. So, hi! I hope you’re having a good Friday. I got to stop by my favorite local donut shop on the way to work this morning so I am having a pretty great day so far.

      1. threatqualitypress +4

        On balance my Friday is pretty okay. Plus: I finally drew a car that looks like a car after three days of attempts at it. Minus: I think I am getting a cold.

  33. Girl Named Jack +17

    Who here has a uniform-based wardrobe? Like, the kind you pick for yourself and you just have different colors of the same thing and wear them all the time? How did you pick what it would be? Is it the same for work and going out? Plus-size advice especially requested!

    I really, really want to simplify my life re: clothes. Having just a bunch of tops and bottoms and sweaters or whatever seems like a great way to go. I just don’t know where to start because my shopping habits are the worst. Also, a part of me still wants to wear anime t-shirts when I’m not at work even though I am pushing 40.

    1. RoseCamelia +7

      I buy dress pants I can wear with flats or very low heels. Pants are always black, gray, beige, or olive.

      Shoes are always black and flat or almost flat.

      Socks are always black, gray, beige, or olive to go with pants.

      Tops are always black, gray, beige, or olive. Tops are always chosen to be worn untucked, to avoid calling attention to my ridiculously short torso comically atop long legs. Tops always have sleeves of some kind. Tops always cover every last bit of cleavage.

      Very small stud earrings. Done.

      Optional: When I feel like it, I add a colorful bracelet or necklace.

      I like the effortlessness the limited palette brings. Clothes I wear to work are segregated in my closet. I can just grab from that section and dress without thought because everything goes together with the limited palette. This is *my* uniform. I do not expect anyone else to conform.

    2. catoclock +4

      I am so here for this discussion. I want to buy fewer, nicer things that will last a long time and do less impulse shopping in the sale section of H&M or whatever. But spending money on nice things is intimidating! Where do you start? How do you know something is worth it vs just marked up for dumb reasons?

    3. deleted7410012 +7

      i do! more by accident than on purpose, to be honest.

      i don’t wear color, really. black and grey. some oatmeal, camel, caramel, olive green, occasionally. i have two bright orange articles of clothing that i wear once in a blue moon. the color scheme makes it really easy to mix & match.

      i’m pretty standard when it comes to the silhouettes i wear too. i like boxy sleeveless tops, loose sweaters, very slim pants that are ankle cut, skirts and dresses that have some structure/definite waistline to them, moto jackets, pointy menswear-inspired shoes. after a while, i just started accumulating more and more of these articles of clothing in different materials/textures. it was also worth noticing what details made me really like clothes: leather accents, curved hems on shirts, etc.

      after a while it just started seeming more cohesive, i guess??

      1. catoclock +4

        Oh my god this sounds like the perfect wardrobe! (Minus boxy sleeveless tops for me, because Too Much Boob Up There.) Where do you tend to shop?

        1. deleted7410012 +5

          haha, i actually go the boxy route because i am quite busty! it can be a hard medium to hit—too boxy and it’s what i call a “boob tent.” but fitted shirts rarely fit me, unless they’re jersey or knit, and then i just feel like i’m…all boob. also i like to show off my legs and it feels weird to wear a tight-fitting top at the same time as tight-fitting pants.

          honestly, my wardrobe is 90% forever 21. the other 10% is split between goodwill/exchange thrift/discount stores like marshall’s. but yeah, forever 21. honestly, i’ve never really had a problem with the quality, and i don’t think i’m that gentle with my clothes. it seems better than h&m, and maybe only slightly less than stores that are way more expensive, like zara. one thing that helps, i think, is to pick a color palette and then shop by feel. like, i’ll hone in on a grey garment and just touch it without pulling it off the rack. if the material feels cheap, i probably won’t even bother looking at it.

          1. catoclock +10

            Hah, “boob tent” is EXACTLY what I was referring to. I think I probably need to branch out in terms of what I’m willing to try on… I tend to look at things and be like “that definitely won’t work,” because I am extremely lazy/pessimistic.

            I am so impressed you can find anything resembling human clothing in Forever 21! I get so overwhelmed by all the different, bizarrely themed rooms and loud music and things made entirely of mesh that I just end up wandering around in a daze until I get completely lost and then sprint out of there in a panic as soon as I locate the exit. I know there is good stuff hidden in there somewhere, but finding it is TERRIFYING.

          2. deleted7410012 +6

            word, forever 21 is so overwhelming that at some point, it actually crosses over into white noise/creepily calm territory for me. i actually enjoy it now. but i go by myself. going with someone else tips me right back into that panicked “oh god there is so much stuff where did my friend go i’ve been in here for 10 hours and i’ve heard this club remix 3 times already” feeling.

            there are two forever 21s within two blocks of each other in downtown san francisco and both are 3-floor behemoths. it took a few visits for me to knuckle down and build an internal map. now i know to ignore the 3rd floor, visit the 2nd only if i’m interested in shoes or accessories, and to focus on certain sections of the 1st floor. the color palette thing makes it easier because all it takes it seeing a section full of neon/floral and i know there’s nothing for me there. one hint: the internal “forever 21 contemporary” and “love 21” brands/sections seem to be both 1) higher in quality 2) more conservatively cut ie no crop tops.

          3. lilsebastian01 +3

            Also, for the OP’s original question, Forever 21 has a rockin’ plus size section. I get all my stuff there now.

          4. alicia +5

            I wear a lot of v-necks and tank + cardigan combos to avoid the boob tent. My uniform is basically tank top, sweater, jeans and flats. If I need to look fancy I replace the jeans with a skirt, wear my nicest sweater and more jewelry. If very hot, a loose linen shirt instead of a sweater.

          5. laurenipsum +3

            Similarly, I’m tank + v-neck (tank required to manage cleavage) +/- cardigan depending on weather. I tend towards black/grey/dark blue/olive v-neck and brightly-colored tank, because I like bright colors but don’t want to look like a lollipop.

        2. aqueousmedium +8

          Buying tops with ruching is my go-to solution for being a lady who has an hourglass figure. It provides a certain amount of fitting without being skin-tight, and as a bonus they’re usually on the long side, so the bottom isn’t half-way up your midriff by the time the top’s been hoiked over your boobs.

    4. projectbeks +8

      I have started the “find something that makes you look awesome and buy several” pattern of shopping. BUT, I only do it with staples. Jeans, for example, are the worst things for me to shop for, so when I find a brand and/or style I like, I go bananas. Tshirts are the same way, and I buy multiple colors, and at least 2 black ones and 2 white ones. I put one black and one white away in storage until the others fade/wear out. I also tend to veer towards the same colors over and over again (a lot of black, actually, which I’m trying to change, but it’s no use, black is the color of my soul, apparently), so that helps with matching/diversity of outfits. I’m having a hard time right now, too, because I have a fantastic variety of casual clothes (not many, but many things that go with many other things), but almost nothing (top-wise) professional enough for work.

      1. Girl Named Jack +1

        I’ve been trying over the years to adopt this approach and it’s worked great for t-shirts/tanks and some pants. The problem is finding multiples of an item in my size. I can sometimes snag one or two, but that’s it. I try to remember to get more online, but even then it’s a crapshoot.

        1. projectbeks +5

          I struggle with the same thing sometimes. I think that’s why I take advantage when I can. I tend to go back to the same brands if I know they carry a good deep stock of sizes. I’m not quite plus size, but not little, either, so since that describes a massive chunk of the population, my size sells out quickly.

    5. WanderingDancer +4

      I have more of a modular wardrobe than a uniform-based one–that is, my clothes pretty much all go together, but they’re not all the same cut–but I think the process of assembling them is similar. I found the advice on Into Mind to be super useful for guidance.

      Personally, I used Pinterest to assemble a color palette and to find the silhouettes I gravitated toward. I then did a quite thorough purge of my closet because if I have clothes, I’ll wear them, even if they’re somehow damaged or unflattering. I then assembled a list of an ideal modular wardrobe using some guidelines from Into Mind. Over the course of a month or so, I was able to use thrift store shopping to fill the holes rather cheaply. It’s super nice to be able to just grab anything from my closet and not have to worry about it going together.

        1. Girl Named Jack +1

          Holy crap I missed that link. Just checked it out and it looks like exactly what I need. Thank you so much! Never would’ve found it on my own. Power of The Toast!

    6. deleted2997279 +7

      I WISH I had a self-selected uniform based wardrobe, so there are so many pretty prints and colors and I just want to wear them all together at the same time which is…hard to do.

      Rock your anime t shirts though!

    7. radventuretime +14

      I get most of my clothes from the plus size section of ASOS for just this reason. They have a couple basic cuts of dresses using consistent materials in different colors/patterns, so whenever they release a “new” dress in one of those cuts I buy it. It’s nice because it winds up looking like I have a really varied and fun wardrobe when in reality I just log on and go “OKAY SKATER DRESS WITH FLARED SKIRT?? ADD TO CART, DON’T LOOK BACK.” Also I don’t wear pants/tops, only dresses which AGAIN makes me looks like I am constantly pulled together and Very Fancy but in reality means that I am far too lazy to shop for pants (my body type is such that it looks great in dresses but pants are just…uggh.)

      Also, shoes are a nice way to vary up the look of different outfits!

    8. Girl Named Jack +11

      These are all great tips you guys! I’m lucky in that my job is pretty casual so I don’t need a lot of “dressy” clothes like suiting. But that also means that the options are less limited, so making choices is harder. A lot of plus size clothing seems to tend more… polished urban or retro femme, which are awesome looks, but not me. I want something that expresses at least a little of my personal style, which falls on the continuum between “boho mystic” and “fuck the patriarchy I’m wearing pants”. Combine the two and you get… wrinkly frump, in my case.

      1. MilesofMountain +5

        I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but Lucky Jeans has a plus-sized line that tends towards boho and casual looks. I also don’t know about their plus jeans cuts, but I’ve practically given up buying jeans from anywhere else since Lucky seems to be the only people who realize that women with “curvy” body types wear something other than darkwash bootcut jeans.

      2. Beakses +1

        Can you wear jeans? Because my go-to combo for work on “fuck the patriarchy” days is jeans + cami/ t-shirt + cardigan. I trend more towards fitted stuff and really, really bright colors, but you could probably find a great boho cardigan (or several, if you are me and survive arctic office temperatures through layering). Like this one? http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/niczoe-cascading-diam…

    9. CleverManka +14

      I am 44 years old and I wear fandom tee shirts when I’m not at work all the time. When classes aren’t in session but I have to be at the office anyway, I wear my fandom tee shirts to work. NEVER BE ASHAMED OF YOUR TEE SHIRTS.

      1. Girl Named Jack +3

        Tee Fury has definitely not helped me to curb this habit. I’m glad I’m not the only one.

    10. FreeRangeMenses +4

      Oh man, my (40-something male) boss and I fantasize about having division jumpsuits. Wouldn’t that be great?
      My actual method, though, is to have a stable of a) dresses, and b) neutral pants and bright shirts (most of my shirts go with either khakis or dark pants, although there are a few that are troublesome). I also keep a pair of brown flats and a pair of black flats at work and commute in my tennis shoes.
      Two great things – clothing swaps, and enlisting a well-dressed friend. Clothing swaps are fun (and frugal!) and fashionable friends, in my experience, love being told they’re fashionable and are usually happy to help with a closet weed-out/to-buy list development.

    11. Absotively +2

      I go back and forth between a co-ordinated, modular sort of wardrobe and a big mess of stuff that doesn’t match. I started my first co-ordinated phase using the instructions from Project 333, which basically is as follows: Out of the clothing that you already own, pull out the things that you love wearing the most and look at them all together. Think about what is the fewest items that you could add to make the most awesome combinations. Add those things.

    12. Amy +2

      I built my work wardrobe around black dress pants (and a few long skirts), white/light colored tank tops/shells, and Lands End women’s-size cardigans in colors I look good in (reds/pinks) or like (hunter green, aqua). I’d rotate color palettes and sweater thickness with the seasons, occasionally throw in some brown or navy slacks, and perhaps reverse the color combo (colorful shell with neutral cardigan) but that’s pretty much it. (I worked in publishing & it was a pretty casual office.)

      For going out, I switch a t-shirt w/interesting graphic for the shell, pull on jeans instead of dress pants, lace up some Chucks instead of loafers, and that’s pretty much it. (I don’t usually go anywhere that fancy!)

      FWIW: I’ve given up on wearing any tops that button down the front because there’s always a gapping/pulling issue in the chestal region. I also decided against anything cropped to the waist because I felt it accentuated my gut in a way I wasn’t comfortable with.

      Hope this helps!

      1. Girl Named Jack +1

        You know, the more I think about it, the more I think I’m going to end up with something like this. I already gravitate toward the cardigan combo anyway.

    13. blushingflower +3

      My default “fuck I don’t want to get dressed” outfit is neutral pants (either jeans – preferably dark – or black dress slacks) and a neutral top (black or white tee or tank top) and then a colorful cardigan/jacket. In my office I have a long purple sweater button front sweater, a bright blue cardigan, and a bright red cardigan. I work in a pretty casual office, so I could just wear jeans and t-shirts (and in fact am currently wearing a college hoodie b/c the AC is cranked all the way up).

      I have a LOT of clothes, but I have some I wear way more often than others, and I am definitely thinking about downsizing my wardrobe.

      Think about your life and your preferences. What kind of office do you work in? Business formal? Business casual? Casual? That will inform what your basic pieces and silhouettes for work will be and how much of your work and non-work outfits can overlap.
      What do you like to do in your down time? What kind of clothes are well-suited for those activities?
      What clothes do you feel the most comfortable in? What feels the most authentically “you”? What colors/silhouettes/styles make you feel self-conscious or uncomfortable?
      Ditch anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, and rock out with the things you love. Wear anime t-shirts if you wanna. You are a grown person and it is your body, as long as you are not breaking decency laws, you can wear whatever the fuck you want.

      When you find a pair of jeans that fit perfectly, buy several pairs (for me, right now, those are actually Dickie’s jeans, which I can order on amazon and which are affordable without being cheaply made). Since the neutral tank top is a staple of my wardrobe (I also like to wear them under pullover sweaters in the winter), I have a ton. I get mine at Target, because they are inexpensive and yet hold up to lots of wear/washing. I am perfectly happy to show a little (but not a lot) of cleavage because I don’t like to hid my light under a bushel (and also because lower necklines help me feel less trapped in clothes), but different people have different feelings on this matter

    14. starsofthesea +3

      For me, it’s pants, solid-color t-shirt, long open-front cardigan–lots of black, blue, and purple. I settled into this a few years into grad school, when I started needing to look like an actual adult every day. I’m on the border between plus-size and not, shaped kind of weird, *and* really short, so clothes only ever fit me if they’re sort of amorphous.

      I do dress exactly like my mom, but that’s okay with me!

      1. DeepBlueC +4

        My girlfriend’s mom was cleaning out her closet of stuff that didn’t fit and found some jeans that fit my girlfriend perfectly. They just about died laughing when they realized the brand was “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans.” 😀 Also, I’m a fellow mom dress-a-like here. I kind of hate thinking about the fact that we have the EXACT.SAME.UNDERWEAR. (down to the same size) but dammit, it’s so comfortable (and imo cute, at least as far as buy-in-a-package underwear goes).

    15. Currer_Belle +3

      I have done this twice! When I was in high school, it was the Editor pants from Express. I must have had four pair in different colors.

      More recently as a professional, I have stockpiled J.Crew’s No.2 Pencil skirt (AKA: magic skirt) and their Jackie cardigans. I have 8 and 11 of each, respectively, and I actually have the cardigan in two not-so-different-but-DIFFERENT-OK shades of pink. On any given day, you’ll find me wearing this uniform with a colorful blouse-y number and a belt of some sort to give me some definition in the middle.

      While I was building that wardrobe, I was particularly inspired by Emma Pillsbury from Glee, and I took my cues from http://www.wwepw.com. I probably went a little overboard, but I LOVE IT.

    16. grumblyqueer +3

      Black slacks and boot-cut jeans forever (darker denim looks classier and hides food spills). Bright or khaki shorts if they’re in season. Belts are 99% black with silver buckles. Fall-to-spring shirts are 99% button-ups, sweaters, and the occasional ancient t-shirt of varying thickness. Summer shirts include tank tops and v-necks. Vests are 99% unobtrusive patterns or neutral colors that fit with just about any shirt. Hats are 99% beaten-up baseball caps for my casual days (I don’t hide my hair under a bushel). Footwear is 99% blue-toned sneakers/sandals and black shoes and boots. Socks are 99% workout or darker formal. The colors are 99% “winter” colors: purple, blue, green, deep red, jewel tones, etc. I have exactly one earring, and it’s a zirconium stud in the gay ear.

      The 1% is the queer explosion that lurks in the back of my closet until June rolls around again. It includes a Royal Stewart-patterned plaid vest, a Pride Volunteer t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, and a rainbow belt, bracelet, bow tie, set of suspenders, pair of socks, pair of flip flops, baseball hat, and lanyard.

    17. Alex

      I only buy clothing that is black, grey, navy, or white. Everything must be comfortable, functional, and stylish.

      For me, silhouette is extremely important – I wear boxier crop tops and oversized button-downs tucked into high-waisted cigarette pants (or slacks with a skinny, cropped cut!), oversized blazers, and either flats (oxfords or flats with an ankle strap – I think ballet flats look sloppy) or heels. Minimal jewelry. I dislike cardigans and sweaters, because I’m pretty pear-shaped and they make me look frumpy! So I my shirt into my high-waisted pants to emphasize my hips. If you’ve got it, etc.

      I don’t really buy anything that’s discernibly “trendy”, because that stuff tends to look dated really fast! So my advice is to stick to silhouettes that flatter your body, stay within one color palette, and avoid stuff with too many embellishments or patterns, because otherwise you’re going to want to go shopping again as soon as you get bored of them.

      Oh, I also only own like… 25 items of clothing, tops. 3 pairs of slacks, 3 pairs of skinny jeans, 3 pairs of nice shoes, 10ish tops, 3 blazers, 2 hats, 1 coat. My math probably does not check out.

  34. vmartinipie +21

    Story time! So early in July I hooked up with a dude via Tinder a few times, it didn’t work out but not in a terrible way. Maybe two weeks passed in which we hooked up four times perhaps, then said “peace out you’re great and all but bye.” Out of curiosity I FB’d him and he IS NOW MARRIED. No, I was not a secret side piece, I am sure of this.

    whatthefuck!!!!!

    1. anninyn +2

      wow that is weeeeird and odd and stuff

      maybe it was arranged? maybe he’s just a reeeeallllyyyy fast mover?

    4. MilesofMountain +13

      Are you sure he’s married to an actual person? A friend of mine started dating a guy, FB’d him and he had set his relationship status to “married” and she freaked out but it turned out he meant that he was “married” to his piano or something for reasons I do not understand.

      1. vmartinipie +7

        Oh definitely real. As in, profile picture outside their courthouse wedding with woman who was tagged with his last name. REAL AS HELL.

    5. jlper +5

      Some people REALLY want to get married. I knew a dude who proposed to his gf of a few months, she said no, and a few weeks later he was engaged to a totally different girl.

      1. vmartinipie +17

        I think this is likely the case, especially since he jokingly (“jokingly,” methinks now) mentioned us having kids when we were eating tacos one night after boning, and i reacted with a clear case of the FUCK NAHs.

    7. depizan +5

      I had a guy ask if I wanted to go out sometime. I said sure. Didn’t hear back from him, and then 3 weeks later hear he’s engaged. To someone else.
      As if this wasn’t bad enough, this guy and I had gone on a few dates several months previously. He had first asked my sister out a few times, and when she wasn’t interested, that was when he asked me out. When he came back all those months later and asked me out that last time, turns out again I was the consolation sister, as he had asked my sister first and only when he found out she had a boyfriend did he ask me.

  35. Frumiosa +28

    Guys did you catch Ask Polly this week? So great. http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/09/ask-polly-why-don…

    You’re so good at being GOOD. But how good are you at being YOU? You know what makes a spark? A real human being with a bad attitude who’s tired of moving shit just to sit down in a motherfucker’s apartment. A woman who, after 18 months of doing everything together, doesn’t sigh and say, “Okay. I’m hurt, but I totally get it.” She says, “HOLY FUCK I THOUGHT YOU WERE ABOUT TO POP THE FUCKING QUESTION. THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING CURVEBALL.” [Knocks a pile of books off a chair to sit down.] “I just wish I hadn’t worn these fucking tall shoes, they’re killing me, and I thought I should wear them in case we needed to go out somewhere nice to celebrate!” [Takes off shoes and throws them at the wall.] “GodDAMN IT! FUCK THIS!!!!” [Grabs a sketch from some pile of shitty sketches and rips it into a million pieces. Throws body onto filthy carpet and sobs, noting bits of filth in carpet while sobbing.]

    2. paddlepickle +1

      Yes! It was a thing of beauty. I’m so annoyed by all the dumb comments on the Cut, though. I understand why she moved from the Awl but now there’s so much “lol gee whiz just move on” to wade through if you want to discuss in the comments.

    3. MilesofMountain +16

      For the most part I don’t get the intense identification some people seem to get from Ask Polly columns, but oh my god do I get it with that one. I’m not sure it helped much, because I mostly just felt uncertain and self-conscious and full of questions (but what if I don’t HAVE a spark, Polly?? but I really do think I probably should keep my house more clean, is that not what I should be doing??? oh my god I really do think my boyfriend and I are a good team, god that’s boring he’s totally going to leave me now!…)

      Ahem, I mean, yeah, it was really great.

      1. artsandvice +4

        You’re not alone, I am kind of lukewarm about Ask Polly too. I’m not entirely sure why, because I typically agree with her in a general sense, but…

    4. m98widow +20

      That dude in the comments insisting that women prefer low information reading can get shot into space and never return, as far as I’m concerned.

      1. nicoledieker +4

        The dude comments to that article are just hilarious. The one dude who’s all “I bet you’re shallow and dumb. If I invited you on a date, could you keep up with my highly enlightened thoughts on Cezanne? What do you have to offer ME?”

    5. HotDoom +7

      hahahah I am pretty sure I dated this same exact guy.
      “Throws body onto filthy carpet and sobs, noting bits of filth in carpet while sobbing” <- That also happened. I just wish I had torn up his stupid shitty drawings.

    6. ConeOfDunshire +6

      Wow I was actually feeling pretty shitty this month about my self worth but her advice spilled over onto me. I deserve to be cherished, by myself god damn it. GOD DAMN IT I LOVE ME.

    7. robotneedslove +2

      Duuuuude so good. And the letter was so heart-breaking to me. You know what was missing? Any mention at all about how the LW felt about HIM. Like, lady, the greatest thing in the world is not being loved, it is loving. You deserve to love someone. And be loved, yes, but you deserve to love someone.

      1. nicoledieker +2

        I’ve seen that comment a few times, and I’m curious how it would have changed the letter. Would adding “and I loved him SO MUCH!!!” or even “I loved the way he was always there to help out a friend, the way he was so interested in the world, his beard,” — I mean, how would that have changed anything?

        1. robotneedslove +5

          Maybe it wouldn’t have, and maybe all that stuff was left out, but the letter just seems so starkly to be all about him and his feelings (and the feelings of the other men she has dated) and nothing about her and her feelings. Which seems to be her problem, one that so many women share. Complete erasure.

  36. BourneApprox +7

    Blarrrggh, I was all ready to be productive this morning, but then I got an ocular migraine and couldn’t see! On the plus side, now I am lying down in my dark bedroom, under a blanket, with a cat next to me. So…win?

    I blame the migraine on watching Tumblr completely melt down the past few days after BioWare announced the new Romance Options in Dragon Age: Inquisition. I’ve never seen so many people so angry over their theoretical relationships with fictional characters.

    Also, I finished The Witcher 2 last night and it was both pretty great and also kind of completely awful and misogynistic. It’s the old Game of Thrones conundrum. Anyone else played it and want to discuss?

    Um, I guess this kind of became a Video Game Ramble Thread? Plz discuss yr videogames.

    1. Angelan_ +8

      I’m a terrible person because some part of my dark soul LOVES watching people have meltdowns over Bioware romance options. They’re so angry and so sad and so serious about the whole thing – it’s like a tiny cult. Go outside guys! You’re not an oppressed minority because you wanted to watch your group of pixels snog Vivienne!

      I’m pondering whether to get the Sims 4, but I might just give it 6 months in case it needs to be patched/is terrible.

      1. radventuretime +7

        I want to agree but on the other hand I just played through the Mass Effect trilogy and if I hadn’t been able to romance Garrus I would have started a one woman riot.

        (But yeah, people get very invested in romance options which is weird because they are all so … terrible and kind of awkward anyway? All the BIoware games I’ve played have romances that go from “Hey, what’s up?” to “Wow, I’m falling for you!” to “LET’S HAVE SEX EVERY DAY” in three conversations or less.)

        1. BourneApprox +5

          We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of Garrus.

          2. radventuretime +3

            What game are you on??? And trust me you are not the only one. The love of those who love Garrus runs deep and true.

            ETA: When playing ME:2, make sure to explore all the conversation options with Mordin. I won’t spoil what happens, but when it happens YOU’LL KNOW.

      2. BourneApprox +4

        PRECISELY. Get some goddamn perspective, poeple! It must be weird to be the BioWare developers, being accused of pandering to LGBTQ folks on one side (by straight dudes), and being accused of being queerphobic/racist/worse than Hitler on the other side (by tumblr folk). I’m actually happy that Vivienne is not a romance, as it indicates she has some goals and inner life beyond being the player character’s waifu. See also: Aveline in DA2, who was the best character who ever was.

        I want BioWare to suddenly push over a table and say “You know what? No romances for anyone! Except Pansexual Qunari Freddie Prinze Jr. because of course we’re doing that.”

        1. Amelia +1

          I agree, but this also leaves my Warden/Hawke and probably my Inquisitor to hopelessly pine after the few unromancable companions because they are SO MUCH BETTER than stupid puppydog Alistair. I don’t know how a romance with Shale would have worked, but it would have been delightful.

          1. BourneApprox +2

            Oh yeah, I’m totally okay with the fact that neither Hawke nor the Inquisitor can date Varric. Totally okay with it. Not distraught at all, mmhmm. I understand there are probably legitimate story reasons. Aaaaabsolutely not heartbroken at all. Nope.

            *Sends a single stoic tear.*

          2. Amelia +1

            Especially after they made him so much more attractive for Inquisition! I know blah blah Bianca blah respect the storyline, but seriously, is the guy never going to be allowed another relationship? People can have relationships after the death of a partner without disrespecting how much that partner meant to them!

      3. Olgasrevenge +2

        I heard they decided not to include toddlers in the Sims 4, which, why? I thought that was a reasonable life stage, definitely more so than just popping from infant to 7 year old (or however old those kids are supposed to look, I’m bad at guessing kids’ ages).

    2. PunnyDreadful +2

      I kinda don’t want to know what that Dragon Age meltdown was about but I know that I have to go investigate now.

      I find other people’s experience on Tumblr fascinating because my dashboard is mostly pretty women wearing boots and illustrators I like, but most people are seemingly experiencing a totally different website.

      1. BourneApprox +3

        I only dabble as a tourist, occasionally looking at individual tags. Mostly to find interesting fan-art and gawk at fan culture, which I find fascinating. Actually joining tumblr would be far too distracting! If you’re interested in rubbernecking this disaster, the “bioware critical” tag is a good example of the kind of shit going down.

    3. SarcasticFringehead +4

      I haven’t been playing any games because He Who Shall Not Be Named took all the consoles with him and I’m not sure which one(s) to buy. I’m thinking a Wii, and maybe either a PS3 or a PS4.

      1. m98widow +1

        I’m really enjoying my WiiU. I know it’s the sad, overlooked sibling of this current gen, but it’s really kind of great. And if you use it to navigate YouTube and Netflix, is roughly 1000 times better than the XBox One interface.

    4. m98widow +3

      I’m am excited for Destiny next week! NO ONE CAN TALK TO YOU on group missions! All you can do is dance and wave at each other!

      I’m currently in the bonus levels of Super Mario 3D World (so hard), just started Wonderful 101 (also hard, but I hear there is a learning curve for the controls and then it is awesome), in the Earth Temple on Wind Waker HD, and most of the way through Guacamelee.

      I just did the Overlord DLC on my Mass Effect 2 Treadmill Time playthrough. I remember really enjoying that mission, but all the cool stuff I remembered takes place in the last third of the DLC and the rest is pretty tedious. I am vaguely thinking of starting a Diablo III game, but with Destiny coming out, it seems pointless at the moment.

      If anyone wants to be my XBox Live friend, my gamertag is N7Ambrai.

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Your Mass Effect 2 Treadmill Time is, like, the best argument ever for me finally buying a console. Things I cannot do with a KB+M. Also, no talking in missions? That is an excellent advertisement for Destiny. (Stop convincing me to buy things!!)

        1. m98widow +2

          I think if you create a friend party you can chat with the other people in your friend party, but there is no voice chat beyond that. Your options are wave, dance, point, and sit down. It’s quite refreshing. Also, it means that there are characters dancing jigs as far as the eye can see, and also not muting jackasses or people coughing into their mics constantly.

    5. elsamac +2

      OH JEEZ, I’m so sorry. I get those very rarely and they are day-shatterers in a way a normal migraine only dreams of being.

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Thanks for the sympathy! Luckily, most of the time I tend to get them when I’m home, for whatever reason. In that case, it’s a good excuse to take a nap with the cats. Feeling better now! 🙂

    6. ChloeKEvil +4

      I’m a little disappointed in the romance options, but not in a way that makes me Disappointed In Bioware- just personally disappointed, I guess. I’m looking forward to doing an assortment of different playthroughs so I can get all the people I want that are available, though!

      Right now I’ve been playing SO MUCH Skyrim. I decided to do all the guild quests before starting the main quest and I’ve just started the Companions (I am already Guildmaster of the Thieves’ Guild, Listener, and Arch-Mage). Hildar (a sneaky archer) doesn’t have time for dragons, she just wants money. And fancy houses.

      1. BourneApprox +1

        That’s entirely reasonable! The only one of the romances I really have any strong feelings about so far is Iron Bull (IRON BULL). Mostly I’m just looking forward to getting to know the characters in the game and being surprised by them, romance or not! Particularly since, after my initially dismissing him due to bro-ness, the Alistair romance snuck up on me in DA:O in a big way. *Blush.*

        Oh man, I have the sudden urge to play some Skyrim now too. I just installed like fifty bajillion mods last month, so I should probably get around to actually playing the game again. Man, who doesn’t want money and fancy houses?

        1. ChloeKEvil +2

          IRON BULL. I’m really excited about that one, he’s going to be my first playthrough’s romance. But yes, I entirely agree. I’m really interested in all the companions except Blackwall, for some strange reason. I’m preemptively bored by him? I feel a little bit bad, but he just hasn’t pinged my radar. Of course, that means he’ll probably become my favourite.

          I wish I could mod my game but I’m on a ps3 /sigh OH WELL I am so rich and I have like three houses so I’m doing pretty well on my goals. I’m really glad I completed all the Thieves Guild city influence quests because selling all your shit is so much easier when the fences have 4000 gold to spend.

          1. BourneApprox +3

            Part of the problem is that Blackwall seems to be the character that we know least about, besides the fact that he’s older and a dutiful Warden, which just sounds kinda boring. Ashamed to admit it, but my interest in him shot way up after it was revealed that he was a romance option, and also hot. I like what I’ve seen of him in concept art, too. It’ll be hard not to run with an Iron Bull / Sera / Dorian team, though. Or Varric / Vivienne / Cass, or or or…

            You know, I can actually see playing Skyrim on PS3 being much more satisfying, just because you can’t pop open the command line and give yourself money / mod in fancy armor / generally cheat, like you can on PC. Also, I just opened the game tonight, and I’m pretty sure I killed it with mods. My poor framerate…

          2. ChloeKEvil +3

            He does have a kind of rugged beardy thing going on, I may hit it at some point. That concept art is kind of amazing (Cassandra’s FACE). I’m looking forward to seeing what’s up with Cole. I haven’t read the book he was introduced in, but my brother hates him so I’m determined to enjoy him. I want to try playing with everyone, so I’m going to be spending a lot of time on this game, I can just see it.

            Yeah, it’s always more rewarding to have to work for stuff, I guess. I have that problem in Minecraft, where I can just turn off losing my inventory at death and add enchantments to my tools for nothing… it’s so hard to resist, but it makes it less interesting.

            I can’t wait to finish this guild quest so I can stop being a werewolf.

          3. BourneApprox +1

            I’m way curious about Cole too! Dragon Age: Asunder’s actually not a bad read, as far as videogame tie-in novels go (I read that and Masked Empire in a moment of desperation for moar Dragon Age stuffs; Masked Empire’s also surprisingly decent!). Apparently Cole and Solas get along well? I am also curious about Solas! I’m already way too invested in these characters and will lose my life to this game too.

            Also, I highly recommend the rest of Matt Rhodes’ art tumblr, which is full of amazing DA and other concept art. I think I need to buy the art book for this game.

          4. ChloeKEvil +2

            I got World of Thedas Volume One for either a birthday or a Christmas and it is REALLY great. Such a nice book! I love it and all the art and information. I can’t wait for Volume Two.

            And yes Solas I want to get to know him, our pants-wearing mage! I can’t wait to learn more about his opinions on the Fade and everything, he seems fascinating.

          5. BourneApprox +1

            That book is amazing, and actually made me even more of a fan of Dragon Age than Mass Effect? It lives on my bedside table and I sometimes read it when I need something calming to fall asleep to. My husband rightly makes fun of me for this. Time to go preorder Volume Two!

    7. celery +1

      I downloaded the beta of Archeage last night, an MMO that looks so, so pretty. You can play as a cat person, and as a cat person, your first quest is “play with a lion cub to cheer it up.” I don’t know how any other game will compare now.

      This is the first time I’ve played an MMO in years, so we’ll see how long I keep up with it.

    8. Amelia +1

      Which path did you play? I have similar mixed feelings about The Witcher 2, but I feel like it was at least an improvement over the first one in terms of misogyny. At least this time around there were female characters that Geralt didn’t couldn’t sleep with.

      1. BourneApprox +1

        I chose Roche, mostly because my husband had recently finished it with Iorveth. It all felt very Game of Thrones-y, with lots of politics and less of the usual fantasy epic quest bits. So that was nice. Roche is an asshole, but an entertaining one. There are some *very* unpleasant bits, though: Ves basically exists to offer sex to Geralt, get raped by Henselt, and then disappear from the storyline. Plus the scene where it’s revealed that Dethmold is gay, right before he’s mutilated and killed. Yarrggggggghhhhhhhhhh. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the plot otherwise, though. And the game is utterly gorgeous, in terms of its graphics, art direction, and music. It’s a pity that enjoyment had to be cut with so much aggravation, however. No real desire to go back and play the first game, though I’ve been enjoying this series of blog posts on the sexual shenanigans of the first game quite a bit.

        Also, I shipped the HELL out of Geralt and Roche, partially out of a need to make the game a little less manly-man-hetero-misogynistic, but mostly because they’re just too damn cute together.

  37. loren_smith +4

    Personal finance thread! How are our bands this week?

    Do you ever get immediate, but totally baseless, regret after a big purchase? I bought a new bike yesterday and now I am second guessing myself something fierce. I had saved for it, and could completely afford it, and it has a 30 day satisfaction guarantee, so it’s fine (that and I love it) but still – nagging sense of doubt.

    1. Angelan_ +7

      Yes! I am like a dragon with a hoard of gold when I have savings. Yes, it could technically be used to improve my life by converting it into goods or services, but I hate parting with big chunks of money.

      1. winterbymorning +19

        I’m exactly the same. I contribute to my tax-free savings account pretty aggressively and whenever my husband says something like “We could use that money for a down payment when we’re ready to buy” I’m like YOU FOOL, YOU THINK I’D SPEND YEARS ACCUMULATING THIS MONEY JUST TO SPEND IT ON SOMETHING AS STUPID AS A HOUSE???

    2. highjump +4

      Steady as she goes! I ate lunch in allllllll week and didn’t go out once. I spent a few bones on hosting a labor day bbq but I’ll be drinking the leftover beer for at least two weeks so I guess it all evens out. And I’ve got some work travel in my future which means I’ll be eating, drinking, and sleeping on the boss’ dime which I like.

      Big purchases: every time. Absolutely. It makes me really nervous to think about house hunting next year. Once I save up money I have a really hard time letting go of it (bc a high liquid balance gives me such a sense of security I guess) even for the goal I saved it for. But I realize it is kind of an irrational habit and you should enjoy your bike!

      1. loren_smith +4

        Isn’t that nuts – I had the money for this earmarked in a specific bank account called “sporting goods” and there is enough left for the ski boots I also want, so this purchase was done Exactly Right Plus I can flip my old bike for (hopefully) a third of the purchase cost!. Change is scary.

    3. radventuretime +5

      I’m very proud of myself – for the past two weeks I’ve been eating takeout or at restaurants roughly every day, but last Sunday I went to the grocery store and did a grocery shop (with a budget!) where I got actual nutritious foods for adults. I haven’t eaten take-out once this week, and am celebrating by ordering a pizza tonight (which I will then freeze half of for future meals!)

      (I should note that restaurant food is a big indulgence of mine because I am a phenomenally awful cook, so this is even more of an accomplishment in that I choked down my terrible cooking.)

      1. loren_smith +4

        That is so awesome. Do you want any recipe or website recommendations? I helped my husband learn to cook and it can be a slog. With him, practice seemed to really help, but more than anything, getting passionate about his food made a huge difference. He started looking up how to make versions of his favorite take away and restaurant food and now he is a big serious eats food lab nerd.

          1. loren_smith +2

            My husband loves http://www.seriouseats.com/the-food-lab/, but it can be a bit advanced. If you love science, it could be great.

            I like http://www.budgetbytes.com/ except now she is doing a snap challenge, which can be problematic. The recipes are simple and very affordable, if you have the time and inclination for some light cooking.

            What kind of food do you like? We have a lot of simple soups and salads etc (mainly all veggie) that I would be happy to email you

          2. radventuretime +3

            That would be amazing, thanks! My email is [email protected]! I like all sorts of food except for fish, and live in a tiny old apartment with a stovetop that has two settings – Off, and Burn, Burn, All Food Must Burn.

          3. Beakses +4

            A big-ass cast iron skillet with a super thick bottom can help on that front- cheap-o thin aluminum pans will have major hot spots, but cast iron can sort of smooth them out/ gives you more mass to control the heat.

          4. loren_smith +2

            yes to cast iron and also to those funny trivet things that sit between the burner and your pan.

    4. PonyAlong +4

      No, no doubt! You made a thoughtful and careful purchase, you sound happy with your bike, your bike is happy with you, go live in peace and ride on, my friend. Ride. On.

      1. loren_smith +3

        Aw thanks! Change is scary – this is the first “nice bike” I’ve ever owned and it’s a bit ahhhhhhh

        1. ach_so +2

          Please tell me about your bike!! I went on a long ride (for the first time in a LONG time) on Monday, and now am overcome with desire for a road bike (I have an amazing but not-actually-“nice” single-speed). And I don’t need it nor can I afford it. But BIKE LUST.

          1. loren_smith +3

            It’s a custom Brodie, set up a bit heavier on the cyclocross style – a bit beefier and steel. It’s funny, I’ve ridden my old Norco Monterey road bike for so long that all the newness is freaking me out. The biggest change for me is going from friction gears to STI – I’m struggling to get my head around it!

          2. robotneedslove +5

            Unnnnnnnf I LOVE my cyclocross Masi. LOVE. My bike is like a Volvo station wagon. Reliable, great handling, a bit heavy but gets up to speed, and has a huge basket on the back for everything I could ever want to take with me on my bike (including, once, a small BBQ).

    5. lesliejroot +4

      Ooh is there a finance thread every week? I don’t think I’ve seen it before. My husband and I just set up a budget – I’ve just started a PhD program and thus my contribution to the household income went way down and we needed to figure that stuff out – and it’s kind of scary! Instead of being vaguely worried about money every time I buy something, now I know exactly how much to be worried.

      1. highjump +5

        Yes, there is and I think it is great. I’m a spendy person who once had significant credit card debt trying, with some success, to turn myself into a savings person. Congrats on starting a PhD program – may your advisor always be responsive, your students non-offensive, and your dissertation flow from your pen with little effort.

      2. loren_smith +7

        I try to put something up every week – I find that money is such a scary thing for many of us to talk about, and I’d like to normalize it, you know?

        My husband recently took a huge pay cut to get out of a toxic work environment, and it’s been a big adjustment. We like the “pay ourselves first” budget method, as it keeps the feeling of forward momentum going.

    6. alicia +3

      I’m trying to justify some medium sized purchases and having a hard time of it. For example, my curtains are in terrible shape and I want to buy new ones but I need them to at least be lined and fairly long. That along with my desire to replace them with something nicer that will last and make me happy means that I sit and look at a shopping cart with several hundred dollars’ worth of curtains and then close the computer. Over and over.

    7. lassotabasco +6

      Oh god oh god I bought a plane ticket to Istanbul for my birthday in November and immediately after I hit “confirm booking” I started to die. Also I had a friend stay with me last weekend, which meant lots of restaurant food and shopping. NURSE I NEED TRIAGE.

    8. peytonopoly +3

      I had a successful August of savings! I was very slightly under budget even with my birthday splurge. I hope to continue my run this month. My friends wanted to go to a $300 concert weekend that I was able to bow out of gracefully haha.

      My problem now is paying off one of my student loans entirely. I have the money I saved up for that exact reason, but I’m hesitating on actually doing it. I guess watching that much money leave my account is scary. I just like the look of my savings right now even though I want to get aggressive about paying off my debt.

      2. highjump +3

        I did that this spring. You can do it! Kill it! Getting the letter that you’re off the hook is the best feeling ever!

    9. allanaaa +4

      I got my first Real Grown-Ass Job Paycheque yesterday and so thus there has been some eating-fancy-dinners-out this week. (also the boyfriend’s birthday tonight, something something excuses).

      Turns out I overdrafted myself by pulling out rent on Monday without checking to see if other pending things were gone, so I got nailed with an OD charge and will have to apologize to a poor PayPal dude. But I can be all “hrmmm, something went wrong with the transfer, that’s weird, huh.”
      And THEN, on the phone with the bank, I was all “oh hey btdubs just double my RRSP contributions ’cause I can afford it now *cracks fingers* thanks, dollface.”

      Seriously, I’ll write a budget next week. I basically have two months to put all my paycheques toward my credit card of summer-unemployment-thesis-writing debt, and then my student loan sharks will attack. Sigh.

  38. katenepveu +5

    Dear all,

    Who is the proper person at the Toast to suggest a technical improvement (with code!) to the site?

    Thank you kindly.

    2. anninyn +2

      I imagine that’d either be Nick or their tech intern, Maria.

      Nick’s email is in the masthead, but I’m not sure how you can contact Maria.

      2. EPWordsnatcher +20

        I think that all we have to do is invoke her name and she will see us. I have a feeling that Maria watches over us all, like a raven. Or a crow. I know some of you have intense feelings re: large black birds so I’ll let you pick your favorites here.

  39. ocwut +65

    TRANS REPORT

    It feels good to write this after only a week in between updates – trying to condense of month of things into a post was difficult!

    My therapist started calling me by my preferred name today. 🙂 And though I didn’t even think about this, he is also going to start using feminine pronouns in my medical chart! As for the rest of the physical stuff, I’m going to have another round of laser on my face next week (ow!) but I am also going to see my GP to do the initial blood work for hormones (yay!).

    Since things have settled down on the updates part of it, I did want to talk about some psychological stuff. Whenever I look in the mirror now, I feel like I am looking at an optical illusion. It’s as if I am seeing a feminine version of myself and a masculine version of myself at the same time and my brain can’t reconcile them into one image, so it just flips back and forth between the two. It’s not upsetting or weird in a bad way; it is just strange to feel my mind revising itself in terms of my self-image.
    My internal relationship to other women seems to be shifting as well. For example, I was reading earlier this week that Obama named Megan Smith to be the new United States CTO and I was understandably excited about it (women advancing in STEM related things makes me happy). But my excitement was from a “Good for us!” perspective, rather than a “Good for women/our society!” perspective.

    I suppose I’ll always be in some kind of liminal space regarding gender – being trans is being trans and my personal identification with it is important to me. But it still feels strange yet satisfyingly natural to feel more associated with women as a group.

    As always, any comments are appreciated. Toasties are the best at advice and helpful thoughts! 🙂

    2. SarcasticFringehead +7

      I don’t have a whole lot to add, but I love hearing these updates & I’m so glad everything’s going as well as it is!

    3. CleverManka +8

      Those internal shifts sound amazing. Holy wow, that must feel so…exciting and peaceful at the same time.

      1. ocwut +22

        They are! 🙂
        And I just noticed while reading through my post that I said “relationship to other women” rather than just saying “relationship to women”. That wasn’t at all intentional, and it proves exactly what is going on in my head.

    4. RoseCamelia +15

      Happy to “see” you! Hooray for a supportive therapist. And is it OK that I’m a little proud, as a woman, that you choose to be “one of us”?

    5. hugpunch +9

      I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in saying this, but you can always sit by me and talk, woman to woman. Whoever you are, and whoever you are going to be, will all be awesome.

    6. dakimel +6

      Good on you! I’m liking that your chart’s saying “she is awesome” and “she has pretty eyes” * and so forth.

      And speaking personally, I find your updates so often give ME a “good for us!” reaction, with ‘us’ in this case being ‘women/our society’, so thank you for contributing to that.

      Your mirror observations are really interesting. I’m imagining how I felt once when I got new glasses AND a dramatically different haircut, and was always startled by the disconnect, but figuring it’s a great deal more intense for you.

      * pretty sure that’s not what medical charts say. Except maybe in soap operas? I want to read medical charts from soap operas now.

      1. ocwut +3

        It is a weird feeling! Having gotten new glasses and things like that before, it is strange to look in a mirror and not recognize oneself. This is not necessarily more intense, just more complex.

        The best way I can describe it is like this: on one hand, I am expecting to see a male image (because I am used to it) but not expecting to see a male image (because, to oversimplify, it is not really who I am). On the other hand, I am expecting to see a female image (because that is who I am) but not expecting to see a female image (because I am not used to it). Let me know if that makes sense! 😉

        My thoughts usually go like this:
        “Ooh, I’m looking feminine toda- wait, no, masculine jaw with some stubble there… but my hair is looking wavy and shiny! Eh, my brow is still looking pretty dudely. But my chapstick makes my lips look nice!” And with each realization, the way I characterize myself and see myself changes, which then affects the way I think about myself.
        Also, while I am using physical examples, it also happens with my personality. But that seemed to abstract for an example that is supposed to simplify my explanation of my thought process. 🙂

        1. Upsidedown_Cake +4

          I have never been in your shoes, but as a ciswoman in a not stereotypically feminine body, I sometimes find it helpful to not anatomize myself into womanly and not-womanly-enough traits. I know you are dealing with additional complexities. However, the truth of your life (as it is the truth of my life) is that you are what a woman looks like. Your actions are how a woman acts.

          And as a bystander who is enjoying watching your journey, thank you for sharing.

    7. deleted3330677 +2

      I just wanted to chime in and say that I’m always happy to see one of your updates and I’m glad that you’re sharing with us.

    8. grumblyqueer +5

      That perspective shift is so huge. I remember back when I was a wee minor who’d just realized that no, I wasn’t an occasional butch, and thought of myself as part of the “we” in the trans community. That might have been the first time in my life I looked in the mirror and saw what Oprah would call my best self, whether that self had a smoky eye or a charcoal three-piece.

      This is one of my lady-type days, so I can fully say: welcome to the club!

  40. ToastiewithCheese +15

    I want to thank the Toasties who were talking about Fallen London earlier this week, because it is awesome and it has, paradoxically, made me a lot more productive at work than I had been lately. Turns out you can get a lot done in ten minute bursts if you know there’s an action waiting for you after it! Also, I wanted to share that I just moved into Rooms above a Bookshop and I just couldn’t be more pleased.

    2. katenepveu +4

      I’m an_ocelot over there (and on the forums) and play a lot–feel free to send me social actions, requests for Parabolan Kittens, or whatever!

      1. ToastiewithCheese +4

        Thanks! I might just do that, since so far my whining to the boy (about how this is totally like D&D and he should totally join and help me with my nightmares) has so far been less than successful. My name on there’s Hade, btw.

        1. katenepveu +3

          I’m currently over at Mutton Island for the Fruits of the Zee Festival, so I’m not sure I can get menace reduction requests there, but that’s winding up this weekend, I think, and usually I’m in London proper and available. (Also, so, so many Kittens. Please! Take them off my hands!)

          1. winterbymorning +3

            Do you need to explicitly request a kitten? Is that an option that shows up when you’re in your lodgings?

          2. katenepveu +2

            Oh, sorry. Send me a coffee request (or ask here! with username, of course) and I’ll do it. I don’t think there’s an option on the recipient’s end to specifically ask.

      2. 1sic1 +5

        …I know you! Pretty sure I’ve stabbed you a goodly number of times. And we’ve exchanged calling cards. And you were a guest at my Extravagant Wedding, if I’m not mistaken?
        I’m Inpiun, both in FL and on the forums.

        1. katenepveu +2

          * waves * I don’t have a lot of time for forums/comment threads generally these days, but yes, hello!

    4. viviennestreet +1

      I just started playing this week and am having a lot of fun. I’m still figuring things out, but if anyone wants to look me up I’m Vivian Street.

    5. ismymiddlename +2

      I just started playing last weekend, and I’m also totally hooked. I’m chercheuse over there, and I’d love to make more Toast acquaintances.

      Oh! And I’m enjoying my Rooms above a Bookshop as well.

    6. jihanchao +2

      I started playing because of that thread too! I’m still living in an attic room but I’ve acquired a hungover terrier. Feel free to invite me to do things – I’m onelittlefish.

    7. peytonopoly +1

      I just joined this, and my username is Mairna if you want to add! I’m still unclear what to do when adding people…

  41. hearyoume +19

    Who else is pumped that Tana French, Margaret Atwood, and Meg Wolitzer all have new books out this month??

    2. highjump +6

      But now Atwood is depriving us of one of her works for 100 years! Should I give up drinking and attempt to live to 130?

    3. moxycrimefighter +1

      Ahhhhh to all of those! I just read The Interestings this summer – there were some parts where I was “Ugh, Baby Boomers” about it, but overall, I liked it. My Kindle is straight packed with Margaret Atwood, and I just devoured Tana French’s Likeness and am almost through with Faithful Place. I put off reading them because I kinda hate when characters cross over in books that aren’t really a series, but they are sooooo goooood and I just found out that I didn’t know about Broken Harbor!!! so that’s next on my list.

      On the topic – where do Toasties learn about new books? I have a Goodreads account but forget about it pretty much all the time. I guess I should start using that. But some sort of rolling “new release” list would be great.

      1. hearyoume +1

        Goodreads sends a monthly email update with new releases from authors you’ve read & similar authors… I find it really helpful!

        1. aravisthequeen +1

          Tell me more about Goodreads! I know I should get into it, but I’m not super familiar with it. Is it worth it for an avid reader?

          1. hearyoume +2

            I think so! There’s a social element (you can connect with your facebook account) which you can choose not to participate in, but I actually really like seeing what my friends are reading – sometimes I discover stuff that I wouldn’t have known about otherwise.

            You can make various lists to track what you have read/want to read, rate and review books, and after you rate enough books it pretty accurately predicts other stuff you would like. It’s like the last.fm of books!

            There is an app for iOS and Android, which is nice as well. Unfortunately I don’t think the site OR the app are very nice to look at or particularly user-friendly, but bad design is overshadowed by usefulness here, IMO.

      1. gripyfish +2

        I intended to reply to the OP saying exactly this; thank you for beating me to it.

        (also omg, I’m 14th on the hold list at the library for her new book–read like the wind, the thirteen people ahead of me!)

  42. WanderingDancer +11

    After re-reading the Femslash Friday on Jane Eyre, I was finally inspired to read Villette. I was super impressed with the writing. Watching Lucy grow throughout the novel was amazing, and I loved how her repressed and distorted presentation of her world invited me to look for double and triple layers of meaning and to puzzle out what might “actually” be going on.

    Also, unlike a lot of classic novels that have sort of seeped into the public consciousness, I had no idea what was going to happen next. I mean, even before I read Pride and Prejudice, I knew that Lizzie and Darcy would get together. P&P is enjoyable for lots of other reasons, obviously. For Villette, though, I stayed away from any online reviews, and my edition’s blurb was remarkably non-spoilery. I didn’t even know the narrator’s name until it was revealed (in Ch 11 or so?). Not knowing who was going to be important and how things were going to play out for each character made the book even more enjoyable. I actually really look forward to re-reading it now that I know who everyone is and what’s going to happen.

    1. literarysara +2

      This is good to hear! I started Villette a while ago, but I’ve been wandering in a book wilderness without getting attached to anything, and I put it down and picked up The Professor, then put THAT down and picked up Felix Holt The Radical, and so forth. I’ll give Villette another go next time I’m between books.

      1. clarizard +2

        Gush gush gush. I agree that Villette benefits from less notoriety than Jane Eyre- the first time I read it I felt a bit mystified but it’s so rich and fascinating.

      2. WanderingDancer +3

        The first section was a bit slow, I admit, but it really picks up about halfway through as the narrator comes ever-so-slowly out of her shell. I burned through the last 200 pages in a day! (Granted, it was a day when my usually 20-minute bus ride lasted an hour due to a downed traffic light.) I’d definitely recommend giving it another go.

  43. tekkah +7

    Hello, Toasties! I went to Dragon Con last weekend and have thus spent the part of this week that I had to be back in the real world and working being very out of sorts and having a hugely hard time concentrating on anything.

    Also, I was tested last week for hypothyroidism and guess who came back positive? So that’s an adjustment I’m making in my life. I am mostly relieved, as now I have an explanation for a whole host of things including but not limited to weight gain.

    ALSO also, I reacted badly to a bee sting and my upper left arm currently has a giant red splotch all across it. I look like I’m carrying the mark of the devil.

    I’m just a trainwreck of medical issues lately, this is my life.

    1. RoseCamelia +5

      Not the mark of the devil. The bee was marking you as special. Her sting was her blessing. A fucking painful one, but a blessing. She chose you.

      Is that better?

    2. CleverManka +3

      I’m really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I don’t wanna stress you more, but if you find that standard thyroid hormone treatment isn’t helping, get your thyroid antibodies tested for Hashimoto’s Disease. I went mis-diagnosed for ten years and if I’d started treating the autoimmune disease that I actually had instead of just the symptoms, I’d be so much better off now, healthwise.

    3. parlato1973 +3

      i am also hypo, but only mildly and i take the lowest dose of medication to correct it. i was kinda hoping for a change in weight, but it’s not guaranteed and, ugghh, didn’t happen for me. however, i have become easier on myself over weight ever since, so that’s nice.

      i don’t know if you’ve found a method, but i take my pill when i first wake up, but before i get up, so i don’t have to schedule food around it. i hope it solves the things you want it to!

    4. MmeSiniichulok +2

      I’ve had sort of hypothyroid symptoms on a three years on/three years off basis that might have something to do with reversals in fortune or fluctuations in stress level, or not. It got really bad (and seemed to be here to stay) in 2010, and no amount of diet or exercise changed anything, naturally. I saw my first bad GP, who did the tests but dismissed the results, which were on the high end of normal. They became a concern when I was pregnant, I finally got put on synthroid, and everything immediately got much better. I’m still on synthroid, but my new, good GP seems to think it may not be permanent. Anyway, for what it’s worth, synthroid has changed my life for the better. I lost enough of the weight that I feel like myself again, and I have much more energy, am not depressed (or AS depressed–I have PPD, so…), don’t get random backaches at the drop of a hat, etc. My face is also back to normal–of all of the things that went wrong, my face changing and getting somehow puffier and odd-looking was one of the most depressing. I finally look like ME again now, if that makes sense. And I guess if things should go wrong again, I now know there’s something that can be checked out, rather than just being resigned to a doctor saying, “well, you’re not 18 anymore, women put on weight as they age, if it’s 30 pounds in as many days then you need to stop eating chocolate and get off the couch, haw haw.”

      I also take my synthroid at night, two hours after the last thing I ingested (not counting water). This works out better for me because I’m programed by about 3 decades of taking vitamins in the morning, and you’re not supposed to take synthroid within four hours of iron or calcium, which is not something my first bad endocrinologist ever told me. Plus I don’t like waiting for an hour before eating in the morning. So at night works for me.

  44. katiemcgillicuddy +5

    Hey guys, what’s up? Any cool weekend plans? I myself am very, very excited that the neighborhood outdoor pool is OPEN this weekend. Post-Labor Day outdoor pool! Finally, someone has learned that I must be eased out of summer!

    In other (far less fun) news, I’m starting to admit that the complicated relationship/friendship/thing I’ve had going for more than a year (with someone I love very much, to say the least) is almost drowning in it’s dysfunction, mainly because of mental illness? On both our parts in some ways, but mostly because it’s abundantly clear that this person I love so much needs serious help? Out of control paranoia, losing time, remembering things that didn’t happen, generally scary behavior…and then suddenly she’s fine and I pretend everything is fine, and it’s fine, we’re fine, everything is fine…except it isn’t fine, and I don’t know what to do. Help.

    1. bird_internet +4

      I don’t have anything to offer you except internet hugs. I’m watching something similar happen right now and it’s tough. I wish I had more to say.

  45. pinnipedd +9

    I got a Mirena IUD a few weeks ago. I’ve been super excited to get it for months, and my new insurance finally allowed me to. Now I would love to hear from folks who find it’s all been worth it for them! I really do think it will be in the end—I mean, I already feel so much better just not being on the pill. (My sex drive, for instance…woo.) And the cramps only lasted about a week. And I’m not breaking out too badly. Yay!

    But I’ve been bleeding and spotting for a month now and that’s not so fun… Also, I was one of the 17% or whatever who experience excruciating pain upon insertion, and…I’m still a bit traumatized by it. I feel weird, almost like I shouldn’t tell my friends about my experience because I don’t want to discourage anyone from getting this WunderBC. And yeah, maybe it worked out for the best, because I would have been more scared and tense going in if I’d known it would be the worst pain of my life.* But…I couldn’t help feeling betrayed and shaken afterward, and thus, like I said, still kind of traumatized. The idea of re-insertion in 5 years is already scaring me!

    Sigh, but anyway….worth it, right? No, really. I’m set for 5 years. That’s pretty damn cool.

    *I’m in the process of getting a root canal and they keep babying me: “Here comes the pinch!” “Oh, are you all right?” “Your jaw’s going to be sooo sore.” “What, your rotten tooth hasn’t been killing you?!” Yup…I’m totally fine, dudes. I have a high pain tolerance for most things in life, you see. Except, apparently, when it comes to my cervix. 🙁

    1. BourneApprox +6

      My experience with getting Mirena was pretty much 100% the same! I was expecting the insertion to hurt, but not for it to hurt quite so much. It was like “Oh dear god the sky is ripping open” levels of pain. I grunted quite loudly, I think.

      Still totally worth it, though, The bleeding calmed down within a few months, and since then it’s been remarkably regular. I still get spotting, but much less than when I had Implanon, and I have much less anxiety than when I was on the pill. Still my best birth control decision ever.

      1. pinnipedd +2

        Thank you! Bleeding for months sounds bad from here but I know I should remind myself that by the end of the year, things will have calmed down. And lack of BC anxiety definitely can’t be underestimated, either.

        Yeah, the sky ripped open. Against my will my body was scooching itself farther and farther away from her until I was practically perching on the end of the table. Ugh.

        1. EuterpesDelight +1

          This scooching thing was exactly my body’s reaction to my first insertion, complete with tiny yelps. And it was totally worth it, and the removal (which was almost as bad because my strings were cut too short and they had to go fishing for them) and subsequent second insertion were also totally worth it. I can’t even tell you how much of a relief it has been to stop worrying about taking pills/fiddling with patches.

    2. paperbgprincess +3

      I’m sorry you had a rough go! Mine was not quite that painful but still pretty unpleasant. But now it’s been 3 years and I don’t have a period at all anymore — maaaaybe one day of spotting — and it’s ALL WORTH IT. Maybe that’ll be you, too!

      1. pinnipedd +1

        That’s what happened to my sister too, so I’m hoping it will happen to me! Fingers crossed for a someday-no-period, which would DEFINITELY make it all worth it. 🙂

      2. ramina +2

        Same! I’ve had mine for a little over two years now and though the initial insertion was…less than fun, I’ve had barely any bleeding since then and I know I’m safe for five years. Fingers crossed!!

    3. Tinpantithesis +5

      I don’t have a Mirena, but I can offer all of sympathy for random spotting and bleeding. It is the WORST! I hate it SO MUCH.

      Is it just me, or has anyone else found that when you dive deeply into “my bits are doing this Thing” you get a ton of anecdata and also a ton of “medical science has no explanation for this, so, uh, …maybe just relax, ladies!” Ugh.

      1. pinnipedd +2

        Yeah…it’s rough when doctors don’t know what’s wrong with you, I’ve had that a lot. Too much bleeding truly makes one feel so awful, physically AND mentally. Sorry that happens to you 🙁

        1. Tinpantithesis +1

          Thanks! Yeah, sometimes I wish they would just say “this is clearly something, but I have no idea what,” you know? I hope things get better for you soon.

          1. pinnipedd +2

            Exactly. Instead of assuming you “must be exaggerating” just because they can’t figure it out, they should at least validate your pain and get around their pride to admit they don’t know.

            and thanks!

    4. blueblazes11 +8

      You are not alone. I actually screamed when I had my second one inserted. Nurses came running from other parts of the clinic.

      I have walked around with broken bones for days before seeing a doctor, but 15 seconds of cervix dilation… NOPE NOPE NOPE.

      I have moment s of panic when I think about the next one. I am tempted to ask for general anestheia, if that’s even possible.

      1. pinnipedd +1

        I’m so sorry you went through that 🙁 but it’s comforting to hear I’m not alone. I’m seriously considering asking for some kind of anesthesia too, or at least heavier meds.

        I’ve heard removal isn’t as bad, was that true for you?

        1. blueblazes11 +2

          It is not as bad. There is the moment of agony when they pull, and then a few minutes of cramping. In my case, my first insertion resulted in weeks of cramping, so a few minutes, in comparison, was bliss.

          All that said, I don’t regret having the IUD. My life has been made much simpler by not having periods. The convenience factor balances the pain, IMO.

          1. pinnipedd +4

            Gotcha; thanks. I’ll prepare myself mentally for that procedure too, then, just in case.

            Part of me rages at the unfairness that women have to make these choices at all (pain vs. convenience vs…). But I know I’m lucky I even have the option for safe free birth control, and one that makes my life easier to boot.

    5. vmartinipie +2

      I, too, bled for about a month and was almost on the verge of getting the damn thing out again when POOF, no more bleeding. I got it in March and have had maybe four spotty days since that bloody month. I love mine to bits.

    6. annacperl +3

      I’ve got a Paragard, but can empathize with the OWWWWWW. My Kegels clench involuntarily at the thought of having it removed three years from now.

      1. pinnipedd +2

        Yeah, yikes. You know it was bad when we already dread going through it again years from now. :-/

    7. spideress +1

      That sucks you had a rough insertion, it does happen. Mine was super easy and I had almost no spotting for months until about 1 year later that came with serious PMS. It was weird. But otherwise I have been so happy to not have to worry about BC at all. Also, for the Mirena there is research suggesting that it can be effective as long as 7 years so you may get to put reinsertion off a little longer 🙂

    8. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      For us it has been *totally* worth it. Yes, it hurt going in, and yes, there was a long transition period while the body was getting used to it, but it is very very nice not to have to worry about birth control at all, and our periods have pretty much totally stopped, and even when we get them it is very light and no cramping. And yes, the pill KILLED our sex drive, so having that back is lovely.

      1. pinnipedd +2

        Yes, very true—I definitely shouldn’t underestimate the sex drive thing, either! I was on the pill for *6 years* before this…it’s like being reborn. 🙂

        Thanks to you all for the important reminders of why this thing is indeed worth it for me <3

    9. HottieCooterati +4

      I had spotting on and off for 2-3 months and also some bad, pinching cramps so for a while I was walking around like “what have I doooooooone” but now my periods are almost gone they are so tiny! So it’s normal for things to get weird for a while, I remember my doctor telling me like six times to not give up because she’s had people give up and have them taken out before stuff levels out. She kept going “Think of the next five years!”

      My insertion was pretty painful but actually not as bad as I had worked myself up about, though I did get really spinny and light-headed and the nurse brought me a little juice box of apple juice.

      1. pinnipedd +1

        Thanks — it really is good to have more encouragement to hang in there. This won’t last forever!

        Aw. I wish a nurse had brought me a juice box, or better yet held my hand! Next time I’m bringing someone with me. (At least there was good chocolate by the front desk, that helped.)

    10. artsandvice +3

      I have a Paraguard, not the Mirena*, but IUDs are the best thing ever. So great. Everyone get one.

      I’m on my second one. My first insertion was an ordeal, I don’t know what was up with my cervix that day but the OB/GYN just could not get past its mighty defenses. We had to give up, after I was in terrible pain for several minutes while she tried different things. She referred me to another OB/GYN who was reputedly very experienced with IUD insertions, and that appointment was barely ten minutes long; it was just like boop, done, hardly a cramp to be felt. So, it could be better or worse depending on the experience of the doctor and also whatever strange thing your internals might be doing or not doing that day?

      *because it seems I am in a tiny minority by finding my period maybe not great, but reassuring? Like, yep, you’re healthy but not pregnant, everything’s good! Also, I truly hated being on the Pill, and did NOT want even a small amount of foreign hormones in my body any more.

      1. ct330 +1

        I’m jealous! I wanted the Paraguard instead of the Skyla (like Mirena, but smaller, lower dose, for never-had-a-vaginal-delivery ladies) bc I wasn’t super into the idea of being on hormones again, but my gyn said that it would be too big and possibly uncomfortable and would be more likely to be expelled 🙁

        1. artsandvice +4

          You knoooowww I’m not a medical professional at all, but I find this idea that women who have not had a baby are going to have trouble with an IUD pretty specious. I’ve never had one (a baby), nor do I suspect my uterus of being larger than average. One of the doctors I dealt with was similarly dismissive of that theory, she said that there is a slightly higher chance of expulsion BUT added that this culture of hesitation comes from two misguided ideas, a)that since the IUD is so reliable and effective, it’s in a sense “sterilizing” the woman (obvs it’s not, but), and many people are like NO WOMEN ARE FOR BABYMAKING I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS, and b) there was the Dalkon Shield IUD in the 70s that was poorly designed and a lot of uterii were perforated, which can lead to (actual) sterility, so again some people are like BUT YOU MUST MAKE THE BABIES THIS IS A TERRIBLE RISK, even though they have long, long since discontinued that style of IUD.

          So I don’t know, but I do know that they asked me to respond to a study being done on women with IUDs who have never had babies, basically researching whether it was actually anywhere near that much hassle.

          1. ct330 +2

            That’s really interesting! The first gyn I spoke to about getting an IUD was really weird/shamey about it. She was like “It’s really only for women who have given birth, and also I’m not going to give it to you unless you are in a monogamous relationship because your risk for infection increases” which I thought was…pretty uncalled for. Like, I know how to practice safe sex, lady, give me some credit.

            My gyn now, as soon as I mentioned wanting an IUD, was like “OF COURSE! It’s probably the best for your life style. But you have to make sure you practice safe sex with every new partner, because you will be at risk for complications due to an infection — but you should do that ANYWAY because women are ALWAYS at a greater risk of STD transmission.” She recommended the Skyla, and I didn’t push the issue — and I’m happy with it and the lower dose. My aunt’s IUD perforated her uterus (she has 2 kids but both delivered by cesarean) and I dunno…I didn’t want to push my luck, I guess? And I’m the type of person to be super worried about it, so the whole ‘this is for ladies who haven’t given birth’ spiel is comforting to me, even if it is possibly a crock, haha.

            Plus insertion was SUCH A BITCH for me that I shudder to think of how much worse it might have been if the IUD was bigger. D: (I don’t know if it would have made a noticeable difference but GAH. I’ve got five years with this baby before my cervix has to be dilated again, and by gum, I am going to stick to those five years.)

          2. robotneedslove2 +2

            This is apropos of almost nothing but recently my mother drunkenly bemoaned today’s very effective BC and blamed my IUD for having no grandchildren. My mom’s a doc who specializes in natal care and as a result seems to believe that most children are accidental/unplanned and we should just kind of relax into it.

      2. pinnipedd +1

        Ugh…the first insertion sounds terrible, I don’t know what I would have done if it wasn’t successful after all that…so sorry 🙁 But I’m glad the second one was just a boop!

        I totally get the comfort that must come from no hormones and a confirming period! I just have super, super heavy periods normally, so Paraguard didn’t seem like a good idea for me. (And compared to the pill, the amount of hormones in Mirena doesn’t seem to do much to me, so I’m relieved about that.)

    11. lady_bane +3

      I kinda want to get an IUD at some point too. I’ve been having to switch my pill prescription around a lot in the past few years due to my mum’s insurance changing constantly so I’ve gotten some weird anxiety and occasional (but mostly manageable) depression. Also the idea of not having a period, or having a very tiny one almost makes me cry with joy. I usually have two days a month where I basically can’t do much at all due to cramps and unpredictable digestive problems. That’s not going to be a good thing one a graduate college in a year and have to go do Big Grown-Up Geologist Things.

      So TLDR: I’m hearing some stuff about painful insertion but other than that, has anyone had any other kind of problems with their IUDs? Especially any increase in anxiety and depression? Thanks! 🙂

      1. blueblazes11 +2

        I haven’t had an uptick, but I have noticed that I still have monthly emotional cycling, whether or not I actually bleed. Like, catch me in the week before my period *would have been* if I were still having periods, and sentimental stuff makes me weeeeeeeeep just like in my PMS days.

      2. pinnipedd +3

        It’s probably too early for me to tell yet, but so far all I notice is the *absence* of all the mood swings, nausea, bloatedness, and low libido the pill gave me. Maybe if I was starting Mirena after being on no hormones at all, it would affect my moods more, but compared to the pill I feel either calmer or pretty much the same. But again, it’s only been a month, so….we’ll see!

      3. laurenipsum +1

        I used to get super messed up emotionally/mental-health-ily when I changed oral hormonal BC methods, even from the name brand to the generic at the same dosage. I’d weep for like three months. It was a mess.

        I did not have that experience switching from oral BC to the Mirena (hormonal IUD). Your mileage may vary, of course.

    12. ct330 +6

      OH HEY, SISTER IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN! I too have a high pain tolerance for most things, EXCEPT that IUD insertion. Jesus FUCK. It was miserable, and I was miserable for the rest of the night and the next day.

      BUT. It does get better! I got mine the last week of July, and my first period with the IUD was already noticeably lighter. The cramps were still pretty intense and exhausting, which I think is my uterus just getting used to it, and I’ve always had pretty bad cramps, but I have faith in the little IUD that could and foresee a brilliant cramp-free future. I had an ultra sound on Tuesday to check that it is properly in place, and was told that my uterus is a model citizen (go you, uterus!). I also still have plenty of energy for running and biking and all the fun things I like to do, which wasn’t the case on Loestrin (I was fatigued all the time and my moods were kind of flat and weirdly numb, and I gained a bunch of weigh on the pill…which I still haven’t lost, but I think I’ve converted into muscle, maybe?)

      Anyway — I’m still spotting, too, but this is week…six, I think, of having the IUD? And I am spotting so much less. I just carry a bunch of panty liners with me just in case, but yeah. I definitely don’t regret the IUD at all. I’m just…trying not to think of the reinsertion 5 years from now, and reveling in the glory of lighter periods and not having to take a pill every day.

      Haha I think this is the third week in a row we’ve had an IUD discussion in the Open Thread. Maybe we should make a WEEKLY IUD THREAD like the cat thread and the finance thread.

      1. pinnipedd +1

        Hey, I was on (the generic of) Loestrin beforehand, too — and I definitely had problems with fatigue. So it’s nice to think that more energy might be a side effect of this! And I’m glad the spotting gets less at least, I’m tired of all this pad-level business.

        Whoops, did not see the IUD threads the last couple of weeks — sounds like there are a lot of us with lots to say on the matter! Go IUD club!

        (And I repeat that it’s comforting to talk to people who understand what I went through, I just don’t think my friends get how terrible and traumatizing the insert was. Blah.)

    13. meowmischen +1

      I got mine in May.
      – Pain: Insertion was definitely the most pain I’ve ever experienced, and I also have a high tolerance. I tried to work that day but ended up having to go home because the cramping was so bad. Not sure if children are in your future at all, but it helps me to think of it as a little preview of giving birth. Having a baby requires a certain amount of pain, so I’m willing to accept a much smaller amount of pain for the ability NOT to have a baby. Although some people in previous IUD threads actually said insertion was more painful than giving birth, so maybe I’ll be the same way.
      – Bleeding: I had spotting pretty much all the time for the first month and a half, which was really annoying. Periods have been getting consistently lighter, to the point where I can almost use pantyliners the whole time instead of the Diva cup (I’ve had 3 or 4 since it was inserted).
      – Emotions: I get extremely emotional the week before my period so I know it’s coming. I think it’s more extreme than when I was on the patch/ring and when I was off hormones entirely. Other hormonal BC made me ridiculously depressed and anxious (or exacerbated it anyway) so I am very happy with the tradeoff.
      – Sex: When I was using the patch/Nuvaring I had ZERO sex drive, and now it’s baaaaack and I feel awesome and normal again! Boyfriend still likes to use condoms because he’s never not used them, but I hope to convince him to try it without someday.

  46. carmencicero +16

    Getting rec letters, writing essays, I think this grad school thing might be happening?? I’m scurred.

    1. eastcoastanne +3

      Don’t be scared, you can still spend Fridays on open threads, you will just be skipping out on readings while you do it, (as I am right now!) 🙂

    4. radventuretime +1

      I know, I just signed up for the GRE subject test and had to curl up in a ball for about an hour.

  47. SarcasticFringehead +24

    Hi Toasticles! This week was spectacularly shitty to the point where I’ve had to recalibrate my shittiness scale. For those of you who aren’t following my saga with bated breath, the basic background is that Mr. Fringehead told me in April that he thought he wanted to break up. It took him 6 weeks to move out, and a further 10 weeks to actually decide he wanted a divorce. We signed & filed the papers 2-ish weeks ago, but Washington has a 90-day waiting period until divorces are final, so we’re still legally married until November at the earliest. Until this Tuesday, it had been a model of a mature adult breakup. What happened Tuesday? I’M GLAD YOU ASKED.

    I went to a concert Tuesday after work (Corb Lund, absolutely delightful), and when I got home I had a Facebook friend request. “Oh,” I said, still filled with goodwill toward humankind, “what a lovely thing! I’ll just jump on and confirm this real quick before I go to bed.” But what did I see when I logged in? Not only is Mr. Fringehead in a relationship, not only is he posting photos of himself with his new girlfriend (at a wedding, because of course), but he has CHANGED HIS PROFILE PHOTO to a photo of the two of them. So suddenly I’m dealing not only with the gut-punch of knowing he’s really, truly over me and with the self-esteem issues that so often come with seeing your ex with someone new, but also with the knowledge that very nearly all of our mutual friends (including, for example, my parents) have seen this too.

    The next day I had to email him about some divorce admin stuff, and at the end of that email I mentioned that I found his behavior tacky and inconsiderate, and that I felt it was a dick move. He emailed me back to tell me that he had posted those photos deliberately, that they weren’t “intended” to be thoughtless (though he generously conceded that he could see how they might be perceived that way), that “both of us” should change our privacy settings so that “we’re” not upset by things we see on each others’ profiles, and that he could not be expected to know that I considered it rude to post photos of oneself in a new relationship while still legally married to someone else. I promptly unfriended him, and have spent the subsequent time being so angry I feel like I’m going to be sick. I have reclassified our future relationship status from “friends someday, I hope” to “I will spare you all future interaction with me, on the humanitarian grounds that I will light you on fire with my mind if I have to spend any more time in your presence than absolutely necessary.”

    So, you know. #banallmen #bighairnoheart

    5. anninyn +23

      No, you were right, that was tacky and rude.

      I’m sorry, Fringehead. I assume he must once have been good enough for you to marry him, because you’re great, but he must have taken that and flushed it down the loo.

      1. SarcasticFringehead +13

        Aww, thanks. I was going to say something about how he’s falling apart without my influence, and then I was like, no, he’s a grown-ass man and fully capable of acting with basic human decency, should he choose to.

    6. highjump +24

      #banallmen indeed! I was interested that you typed this “gut-punch of knowing he’s really, truly over me” TRULY that is a gut punch of an awful thing to come across but I don’t think your takeaway should be that he is over you. To me at least, this screams like rebound “Look at me I’m FINE” behavior. That is probably cold comfort but I doubt he is as completely emotionally detangled from you as it seems. But definitely #banallmen just to be safe. Hope things look up soon and you can throw out that shitiness scale altogether!

      1. SarcasticFringehead +8

        Thanks! I’m endeavoring not to think of him at all, but when I must, I’ll imagine him wasting away & pining.

    8. MilesofMountain +9

      That is horrifyingly rude and a bit cruel of him. To the point where I doubt he is over you, not that it matters because you are definitely right that the appropriate response is to cut him out of your life with all the cold, ruthless dignity you can wield.

    12. literarysara +19

      Oh wow, reading that made my heart drop and my stomach tighten. I feel sick on your behalf. I’m so sorry!
      Despite my gut reaction, I’m going to hedge in gently and say that I don’t think it was wrong of him to post the picture–mean-spirited, yes, since he knew you’d see it and he wanted you to, but not a crime. It’d be worse, I think, if either of you curtailed your social media interactions with new romantic partners in anticipation of what your ex-partner would think. (I’ve been the new partner in such a scenario, and it was pretty esteem-wrecking to be a Hidden Girlfriend for months until my partner finally chose to face his ex’s displeasure.)
      But his response to your feelings tells you everything you need to know. He’s feeling mean and petty, which is extra lousy since he initiated the breakup, but you are quite right to run in the other direction from that nastiness.

    13. dakimel +37

      What happened Tuesday:
      SarcasticF got to go to a delightful concert
      SarcasticF had an online profession of friendship
      because she is a lovely and likable human with a Million Watts of Worth
      (I think that’s how they measure human worth.)
      SarcasticF was reminded that this fucked-up process called divorce is something she maybe didn’t seek, but is something that found her anyway, and that having been found in this new place, this ‘waiting period’ place, she is bound to discover *things* about MrF that will reinforce his Zero Watts of Worth,
      Because once SarcasticF removes her Million Watts of Worth from MrF’s Zero Watts of Worth, it’s easy to see
      that he was just borrowing some of her Watts of Worth
      instead of generating his own
      and now he has to look for others to steal from
      and good luck to him
      so long as he leaves SarcastcF’s Watts alone.
      They’re hers.
      He can’t have any.
      He doesn’t deserve any.
      And November just can’t come soon enough.

    14. themegnapkin +14

      You may have done this, but if I were you I would not only unfriend him, but block him as well. Until I figured that out, an ex would keep popping up in my “people you might know.”
      And, #banallmen & #burnallmen, with fire. That is so tacky and shitty.

  48. Goomaly +15

    My SO said something really weird/hurtful over a year ago– it’s kindof a long story– and I finally yelled at him about how much it hurt me, and I asked for an apology. It felt really good.

    But he said he didn’t remember it! He said “I remember we argued about it but I don’t remember saying THAT”

    He generally doesn’t apologize, he says he won’t say “magic words”, and now he certainly won’t apologize for saying this thing he doesn’t even remember.

    To be honest I feel 99 percent better after screaming at him about it. But it is really such a big deal to say “I’m sorry for hurting you”?

    1. paddlepickle

      I feel like “He generally doesn’t apologize” is a HUGE problem, and “I won’t say magic words” sounds to me like “I don’t respect your feelings or see them as legitimate, why must you make me perform these irrational spells for you?” I think it will be very hard to address this over an incident he no longer remembers, but it needs to become clear either in a separate conversation, or the next time he says something hurtful, that that is not OK.

    2. clarizard +8

      It’s not, and he should! Glad that self expression alleviated some of the shitty feelings you were having though.

    3. Hieropants +32

      It is not a big deal to apologize for hurting you and I’m sure he is perfectly lovely in other ways but if this man thinks recognizing and atoning for the pain he causes is just “magic words” then he is a doofus.

      Seriously, if he accidentally bumps into someone does he apologize for that? Does he at least say “excuse me”? Does he say “please” and “thank you”? These words aren’t pointless, they’re here to ease the friction that results from a lot of people whose lives are all squished up against each other.

    4. FreeRangeMenses +14

      For some people, it is. Those tend to be shitty people – especially if you actually say “It would really help me to hear you say the words ‘I’m sorry'” and they still won’t.

    5. CleverManka +24

      It is not difficult or unreasonable to tell someone you love “I don’t remember saying that, but I’m sorry I said something that hurt you and I am also sorry that you didn’t feel comfortable enough to say anything to me for a year.”

    6. canoekanoe +12

      It might be a big deal to him, but he needs to understand that the reason that “magic words” are magic is that they show respect to other people. In the same way that it would be rude to refuse to comply with the rules of a religious establishment while in that religious establishment, it is rude to consider yourself “above” the use of magic words like I’m sorry. Just because you personally do not believe in them does not mean they do not mean a lot to other people. Saying “I’m sorry” for a thing you do not remember saying shows respect to the other person, in that you are giving them the benefit of the doubt and the dignity of being able to accept your apology.

    7. blushingflower +19

      ARGH.
      I am of the opinion that it doesn’t matter if you don’t remember saying/doing something or if you had no intention or inkling of saying something hurtful. If someone you care about is honest enough to say “when you said X it really hurt me”, the correct thing to do is apologize. And regardless of whether or not the injured party is correctly recalling your words verbatim, the important thing is that you said SOMETHING that stuck with them in that fashion and hurt them. We all sometimes remember what we interpreted as the meaning of someone’s words more than their actual words, and sometimes the meaning that we hear is not the meaning the speaker intended. “I don’t remember saying that, but that’s clearly what you heard, and I am very sorry.” It’s not that hard. ESPECIALLY if the person has been carrying it with them for over a year!

      (Also, not to be judgy about your relationship, but “I won’t say ‘magic words'” is kind of bullshit. I get the philosophy that “sorry” doesn’t always fix whatever you fucked up, but it can go a long way towards shoring up a bridge, you know?)

        1. blushingflower +14

          I suppose “set him adrift on an ice floe” is probably not constructive or helpful advice, assuming you want to remain in this relationship.

          I would say a) when he says something hurtful, tell him ASAP, because carrying it around is not good for you or your relationship. b) explain that you understand his “magic words” philosophy but that an apology would go a long way towards making you feel cared for/about (because relationships require compromise and sometimes doing things you do not want to do/see the point of because they matter to your partner).

          1. sailorfaith +5

            I think you would be totally justified too in going further and (if you feel this way) explaining to him that his ‘magic words’ philosophy actually just comes out as disrespectful and maybe he should rethink that philosophy, also why does he have a problem with apologizing to people, especially his SO? And whatever it is, he needs to get over it because it’s a habit that is hurting you.

        2. ashtangamegan +12

          “Why is sticking to this particular principle of not apologizing more important to you than making me feel listened to, respected, and secure in our relationship?”

    8. mbculver +29

      He won’t say “magic words”??!!? What is he, like fucking five years old? That sounds like a lame-ass excuse to be a dick and then not have to apologize, like a normal adult.

      Sorry to get all het up about this, but that’s just bullshit. Adults respect each other, and are polite to each other, and use polite words, and don’t pitch hissy fits because they have trouble saying “I’m sorry.”

    9. BourneApprox +10

      Urgh, my husband does the exact same thing (i.e., never actually saying the words “I’m sorry”), and it’s the one thing about him that drives me absolutely insane. So yeah, I know that feeling. Glad you were able to get the feelings off your chest!

    10. samburgers +12

      My wife didn’t used to apologize properly, but then I told her that and now she apologizes properly!

      COMMUNICATION DO IT

    11. jlper +18

      “He says he won’t say ‘magic words’ ” MASSIVE EYEROLL apologizing is part of being a goddamn adult he is not so special that he never has to say sorry

      That said, I was recently in the position of having to apologize for something I’d said/done over a year prior and it felt really really shitty, because I legitimately didn’t remember it, and was really blindsided by the anger. If he had said “hey, I know this happened a while ago, but it’s going to bother me forever if I don’t tell you that it really hurt my when you said/did x” I would have felt better about it, but as it was, it felt like a really low blow to bring up an issue from so long ago (that I had no inkling was an issue), in the middle of a totally different argument. I felt like a dog being yelled at for pissing on the floor two hours before. If I’m not pissing NOW I’ll just be sad and confused.

    12. blunderbusst +17

      This reminds me of the guy who used to say to me, “I”m sorry you had your feelings hurt.”

      No, you twatwaffle, YOU hurt my feelings. And now you apologize or I will write a dozen songs about the different ways I am going to kill you dead and dance around your corpse.

      People who care about people apologize when they hurt the people they care about. Period. Full stop. If he won’t say those “magic words,” they you also can refrain from saying any; e.g., “I left all your stuff on the sidewalk and changed the locks and I’m keeping all your David Bowie records because you obviously don’t deserve them.”

    13. mosiegirl +4

      The issue is why you waited for more than a year to bring it up. It is not fair for you to let that offense fester inside of you. How can you expect him to remember? You let it go. Life went on. This is not to say that he should not have apologized, but you know he does not “generally” apologize and this thing was a long time ago. Trust me, do not stew over things like this. Say “that was hurtful” and move on. If you need “magic words”, perhaps this is not the man for you. Sorry to be blunt, but I am well into middle age and this was a tough lesson for me to learn.

      1. Goomaly +5

        I completely agree that I shouldn’t have let it sit for so long.

        However, a) my post was a simplification, it’s not like he called me a stupid bitch and I let it go.

        Also b) I didn’t realize how badly the original event affected me until it had time to build up and spill over into other parts of my life 🙁

        Overall though, I feel like getting it off my chest has really helped me and I’m pretty confident that I’ll do better in the future even if he doesn’t…

        Thanks for the tough words 🙂

        1. sailorfaith +4

          I think it is possibly more telling about how your relationship works that you didn’t feel comfortable bringing it up for so long, rather than it necessarily being more telling of you. Obviously that requires looking at the whole relationship, and maybe some self-examination too, but there are lots of reasons why it’s hard to bring up how someone hurt you to the person that did it. And, he hurt you really, really significantly, and him not generally apologizing is no excuse for not doing it now, when clearly, it counts. I wish you much healing for this entire thing – if the original event built up to spill out over into other parts of your life, that says a lot about how awful it was, and honestly, how it could easily continue to be an issue with this guy. You deserve to be with someone who will want to know you well enough that they don’t make those kinds of mistakes, and if they do (which is often inevitable), they will want to make the effort to make you feel better again.

    14. Bryn (Plus Others) +10

      Tell him you need an acknowledgement that he regrets having hurt your feelings and will strive to do better in the future, and that he may pick his own formula for saying so if for some reason ‘I’m sorry’ sticks for him.

      Our partner does not like the words ‘I’m sorry’ because in his terrible family of origin it was the necessary prelude to Deserved Horrible Things Happenings (which were not deserved). I think there is a fine line between respecting trigger phrases people may have (that they might not even know are trigger phrases and have constructed some sort of ridiculous rationalisation for) and the fact that the *actual behaviour of apologising* is part of being a kind human being.

    15. sailorfaith +3

      HOLY CRAP he should ABSOLUTELY apologize to you for that. Apologies aren’t ‘magic words’ they are WAYS OF COMMUNICATING THAT YOU FEEL SORROW FOR HURTING A PERSON THAT YOU CARE ABOUT and you don’t want to do it again!! That is absolute bullshit that he is refusing to apologize for saying something that obviously really upset you. He is giving himself the benefit of the doubt (re: “I never said that”) and making that more important than accommodating your feelings and being respectful of them. I hope he is wonderful in every other way but seriously being ‘above’ apologizing to your SO is such, such crap. I am glad you yelled at him for hurting you.

    16. lilsebastian01 +3

      My ex was like this, and it made me feel horrible all the time and like any time he did something wrong “objectively wrong” (aka that was wrong according to his standards as well as mine) I had to grab it and wave it in front of his face so that he would ACKNOWLEDGE that me being hurt came from something he was doing and wasn’t just like, my spontaneous feelings generating machine. I solved this problem by breaking up with him; I do not have another solution.

  49. Prawns +3

    Anyone else have sudden depressive symptoms from progesterone-only birth control? I haven’t had a real down period like this since I was a teenager, and I swear it has to be from my birth control implant. I’m seeing my doctor on Tuesday to talk about getting it out, but in the meantime, I have no desire for even simple touch, let alone sex.

    I feel so dramatic and sad all the time right now. It’s fucking ridiculous.

    1. ToastiewithCheese +1

      I don’t know about progesterone-only, but I think just a change in birth control/hormones can really bring on the mood swings. I changed from the Diane pill to a much lighter one a few years ago, and all of a sudden I was having hysterical crying/shouting matches with my mom as if I was fifteen again (which, seeing as I was a good decade than that, was somewhat embarrassing). Hormones, man. In my case, it stabilized after about two months, if that helps?

    2. radventuretime +4

      One of my friends has that reaction with every form of hormonal birth control. It isn’t one of the main side effects people talk about, but it still happens so you aren’t abnormal in that regard.

    4. jenintheclouds +3

      *raises hand* been there, experienced that bullshit. You’re not ridiculous! I suffered depressive episodes on four different types of birth control. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that!

    5. Nausikaa +2

      I went on birth control a little over a year ago and developed terrible anxiety. I felt like I was going crazy. I had panic attacks all the time, I was convinced every little thing was going to kill me – it was awful. My doctor told me it couldn’t be the birth control, I must always have been anxious and I was just blaming it on the pills, and I should go on Zoloft. Instead I went off the pills. The anxiety persisted for another month, but after I got my first real period it gradually started to go away. I haven’t had a panic attack since.

      So I would say, absolutely trust your own sense of what is going on with your body/brain, and if you decide to go off the pills, don’t get discouraged if you’re not immediately back to normal.

    6. m98widow +2

      I was depressive, or at least more prone to crying a whole lot over stuff that normally rolls off my back, when I was on regular full strength BC. I switched to progesterone only, which was fine for my mood but every third period or so would show up a week or two late which was so anxiety causing that I had to switch again, this time to low estrogen. Which is to say, I guess, that HBC is different for everyone, but that it can absolutely 100% affect your moods and emotions, so don’t feel like you’re alone or that it has to be something else causing it.

    7. Es_Petal +5

      The first one I went on sent me absoluely batshit. Not depressive, but thoroughly unpleasant and like my worst PMT moments all the time. It was a very effective contraception because my other half didn’t even want to speak to me, let alone have sex, but he gingerly suggested after two weeks on it that I should go back to the doctor and get a different one, and then my usual delightfulness returned.

    8. SarcasticFringehead +1

      Aww, that sucks. I don’t have any advice except that sometimes I find it’s fun (“fun”) to Lean In to the melodrama of times like that. Like, listen to music/watch movies/etc. that are just so over-the-top Teenager Sad that it turns a little bit funny. (Not a great long-term solution, unfortunately)

      1. Prawns +1

        Yeah, unfortunately, it’s the kind of sad and dramatic that makes me want to just stew until someone finds me looking all dramatic and then explode like the stupid bomb I feel like. Maybe I need to write some bad teen poetry to deal with all these FEELINGS.

    9. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      Our body’s reaction to progesterone-only birth control was *severe* depression. It was a really horrible year, especially since our doctor kept saying ‘You know, maybe this is the birth control’ and we kept going ‘No it can’t possibly be there’s just something WRONG’. Good for you for getting it out!

  50. EPWordsnatcher +23

    Ughhh, Toast, please continue to think good lucky thoughts for me. I am dealing with job stuff and I just want it to be FINALIZED already.

  51. elsajeni +26

    My husband and I recently planted some flowers in pots on our back patio, and they are all being tremendous whiny baby plants about the heat. “Oh, I haven’t been watered in a whole 20 minutes, I wither and diiiiie” YOU ARE A NATIVE PLANT TO THIS REGION, TOUGHEN UP. We’re hoping to attract some of our native solitary bees, but first the plants will have to get a grip, I guess.

    2. deleted2997279 +5

      Ahahahaha this is EXACTLY how I feel about my plants!! I worked hard (well, Mr Polka Stripes worked hard) to find native plants, plant them properly, etc etc, and now 90% of them are brown. I bought a freaking SUCCULENT and it’s dying. When you’re done yelling at your plants, come visit mine?

    3. hugpunch +13

      “Goddamn it, Plants, your ancestors survived here and so can you. Get yourselves together.”

    4. m98widow +2

      My outside plants are doing fine, but we were gifted a money plant and that thing is just a wreck. I put it out on the deck because the cats were chewing on it and it got all burned looking. Then I put in inside in a window and it got worse. Now it’s sitting out of the sunlight indoors but it looks mangled and awful, and the person who gave it to me is coming over this weekend. This is supposed to be a super easy plant to keep!

      1. Battle_Swine +3

        You know, my house is also having trouble with a money plant. My husband got one for his office because they’re supposed to be so easy, but it hated it there, so he brought it home, and it hates it there too. We’ve tried more water, less water, more sun, less sun, and it just keeps sulking and periodically dropping its leaves. The money plant is obnoxious.

    5. lilsebastian01 +1

      Plants in pots are, according to my brilliant gardener parents, much harder to take care of than plants in the ground. If you are allowed to put them in the ground, maybe do that?

  52. FrancesGnome +14

    Today in Annoying Facebook things was the following super pretentious 10 books list:
    100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez Legs by William Kennedy
    Absalom Absalom by William Faulkner Save the Cat by Blake Snyder
    The Collected Short Stories of Ernest Hemingway The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
    Ironweed by William Kennedy
    The AP Style Book by The Associated Press
    Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov
    Howl by Allan Ginsberg
    Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
    and (bonus book) The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight by Jimmy Breslin.

    I need help creating a top ten misandrist list to troll this, please!

    1. paperbgprincess +12

      I bet he hasn’t even read those, just has the books closest to eye level in his bookshelf to impress visitors.

    3. EllaAstor +5

      Just one offering, until I go look at my bookshelf:
      The Book of the City of Ladies, by Christine de Pizan. Non-fiction.

      Partial blurb on the back cover:

      “Although The Book of the City of Ladies was written more than half a millennium ago, it is filled with potent observations for our times. The querelle des femmes — the woman question in late fourteenth- and fifteenth-century France–articulated its arguments in much the same way as today’s debate about the equality of women.”

    4. clarizard +33

      LOL. reminds me of an instagram I saw once of A MAN’s summer reading list, which consisted of ten books stacked on top of each other by white american men from the 20th century, and the eleventh book, shouldering the burden of all others no less, was BELOVED.

    5. deleted2997279 +7

      Oh jesus christ.

      This book list thing is so obnoxious, I almost want the ice bucket videos back because at least I ignored the videos, the lists are just BEGGING me to read them.

      1. FrancesGnome +19

        Yeah, it also begs the question of how, exactly, does the AP Style guide change one’s life? Did you just throw commas everywhere and now you know how to use them?

          1. FrancesGnome +3

            He was, he has an MFA in writing, which I wish excused this list but really just plays to stereotype. Still though, life changing?

    6. cuminafterall +15

      Woman at Point Zero by Nawal El Saadawi!!

      Spoilers from Wikipedia: ” When Firdaus decides to leave, and Marzouk pulls a knife to prevent her escape, she stabs him to death. She later confesses the murder and is imprisoned. Firdaus concludes that all men are criminals, refuses to submit an appeal on the grounds that she has not committed a crime, and goes to her death a free woman, without fear or regret.”

    10. MilesofMountain +6

      The End of Men. It’s nowhere near my top anything of books, and it’s actually not very misandrist, but the name gets some great reactions from men.

    11. dakimel +10

      I put my own book on my list. Cause what the hell, right? It meant a lot to me.

      Anyway, I think your list should include a couple of the classics, just to be equally snobby. Like The Handmaid’s Tale, Bluest Eye, Sappho – just as obnoxiously “Feminist Literature 101” as you can get.

    12. bibliobotic +3

      THE AP STYLE BOOK oh my god no stop

      I was tagged in one of those posts recently, and at the beginning we were “warned” that the list was going to be really “eclectic,” which I thought was like the most pompous thing.

  53. PunnyDreadful +2

    Any Washingtonians/outsiders going to Small Press Expo next weekend? I’m getting too excited and will probably make this same post next Friday.

    1. lesliejroot +1

      SPX! Man, I got such great stuff there last year. I don’t live in DC anymore, but I’ll be there in spirit.

  54. _marie +4

    Can we talk about Miss, Ms, and Mrs here? I just got a job in a school and the students are all expected to call the adults Ms/Miss/Mrs so-and-so…I have some strong feelings about that, but I’m not sure why or how to explain them. I did take my husbands last name when I married (which now I wish I had at least hyphened, but that would have been so long (fake name): Lampaside-Suneyhans, but I do not like going by my (and my husband’s) last name. To me it has a lot to do with the connection back to my husband’s difficult family and the fact that I have always been *my first name*, even when working with kids it was Miss *my first name*. Which I liked. Anyways, I guess does anyone else want to complain about being expected to use Ms/Miss/Mrs and retrospectively regretting changing your maiden name.

    1. MaxMarvel +13

      Could you be Ms. Maidenname anyway? My mom uses her maiden name professionally, I think a lot of folks do.

      1. _marie +1

        Not without having a “BIG” discussion with my husband—any tips for that? He said to me that “you know how little girls dream of their wedding dress? Well I’ve always dreamed of having a wife share my last name” :/ And I’ve already filled out paperwork and got a badge with Ms. Marriedname

        2. NicoleCliffe +39

          “Dream bigger.”

          No, seriously, you’ve changed it! He got his thing! I would give serious side-eye if he suggested “I’ve dreamed since childhood that in addition to changing her name to mine, my wife would also go by it at work despite not being super into it.”

          1. marie +1

            Ok I will defend him a bit and say that we have not talked about using a different name in the workplace, and what he said about sharing the last name was 6 years ago when we got married and when he was big into his family heritage (learning about where his family immigrated from and seeing how his family name has changed). We have talked about creating a new last name….but have not done anything more that talk.

            I think I will ask about going by Ms. First name next week.

        3. thebellewitch +15

          “I share your last name socially and legally, but it’s none of your damn business what people call me at work.”?

          Ok, that went off the rails. But if you truly feel uncomfortable, know that you’re not asking much (or anything) of him here. My husband’s office has multiple dudes with his common first name, so at work and among work friends, he’s called by a nickname based on his last name. No one asked me permission, and why would they?

          Any way you can make it the non-issue that it is?
          “I’m going to start going by Ms. mymaidenname at work. It’s easier for the kids to pronounce.”
          “I’m going to start going by Ms. mymaidenname at work. It’s easier to spell.” Whatever. Don’t give him a reason to wrap his ego in it.

    2. jenintheclouds +5

      I am unmarried and use Ms. My Last Name now, and when I get married, I plan to keep being Ms. My Last Name professionally but also answer to Ms. My Husband’s Last Name, if somebody wants to call me that. That doesn’t help you, but I just wanted to chime in with support: it SUCKS that (mostly) women have to deal with this.

      1. evieskye +3

        I am unmarried and use Ms too (mostly because Miss makes me feel like a little girl for some reason? I grew up in south Texas and was called ‘Miss Amy” a lot) I’m planning to stick with the Ms even if I change my last name if I get married.

      2. Lily_Rowan +13

        Ugh, I just had to tell coworkers what Ms. actually is. One got married, is changing her name, and thought she HAD to use Mrs. with her husband’s last name! WHAT DID OUR FOREMOTHERS FIGHT FOR????

        1. NicoleCliffe +33

          see also the jags who try to tell you that mrs means “wife of” so it’s ok to insist on calling women WHO KEPT THEIR NAMES “mrs john smith” bc “that’s their TITLE”

          no you are rude and awful and honestly i hope you try it bc this is my hill to die on and i will cut you

        1. elsajeni +3

          If they do end up insisting on a last name, is there a shortened version of Ms. Marriedname that you wouldn’t mind? Like, I have a Mac- name that’s kind of unusual and difficult to spell, so when I was student-teaching I told my class that they could just call me “Ms. Mac”. If Ms. Firstname is a non-option and you don’t want to have the arguments involved in becoming Ms. Maidenname, maybe you could be Ms. Initial or something instead.

          1. marie +1

            That’s a good point, I did have one teacher ask if calling me Ms. M was ok since my last name is 3 syllables.

    4. cuminafterall +8

      You can always change it back! Assuming your husband & his family don’t take it as some weird slight/omen of impending relationship doom. Actually, even then, you can still do it.

    5. Rillquiet +7

      In college, one of my professors could never pronounce my (not particularly difficult) first name correctly, and he eventually settled for calling me Ms. Firstinitial, which I found both acceptable and charming.

    6. lesliejroot +4

      I have the reverse problem – I just started a new occupation/program of study, and have now been told several times that my generally innocuous first and last name combine to make a really good, if obscure, pun in this field of study. I feel like I should be delighted by this but I’m actually not – I don’t want people to think of my name as a joke, like a chef named Rosemary Cook or something. Should I have taken my husband’s name?? Do I have regrets for the first time???

      But yes, the Ms/Miss/Mrs. thing and the last name thing and the having to navigate choices about it is quite draining. I hope you find a solution you’re comfortable with!

      1. EPWordsnatcher +17

        OWN IT. This is a gift you have been given by the universe. Use it as a screening mechanism for future work friends.

      2. Beakses +6

        I second the own it vote. My first and last names (pretty much) rhyme, which as you might imagine was…fun…in school. But it’s mine, damn it. I’ve earned it.

        Plus it’s memorable, which can be a good bonus. Use it!

    7. viviennestreet +5

      I’m unmarried, but I feel uncomfortable having honorifics applied to my name (in general). I think, as the teacher, you should be able to ask the students to call you whatever you feel comfortable with.

    8. grumblyqueer +5

      My mother went with Mrs. MaidenName. Or you could hyphenate both your names, or else you could magnanimously grant him use of your last name.

    9. robotneedslove2 +6

      As an aside, a grouchy older client recently asked me if I was a “miss or a ma’am” and said “I’m just trying to be politically correct” and I wanted to say “it’s never going to be appropriate to call your lawyer miss” but in reality I’m like “call me whatever you want, as long as you listen to my advice and pay my rate of $many/hour”.

  55. aravisthequeen +13

    After an application for a job I REALLY REALLY WANT, instead I got a callback for a job I don’t really want. These are the nutjobs who want a 10-20 year commitment for a job at the front desk of an optometrist’s office. Sigh.

    1. RoseCamelia +19

      The nutjobs reserve the right to fire you without cause or notice, though, right? Breezily assure them of your “commitment” to any length of time they ask for. Then leave whenever you damn well please.

      1. aravisthequeen +4

        Oh, I know that, but because I already have a job I don’t particularly want to jump ship unless it’s a really good opportunity–I’ve only been here a year and my job history is already frazzled enough that I don’t want to jump around any more unless I have to. They’re going to have to make it Very Appealing for me.

  56. ejbaker13 +12

    pssst Toasties hi I’m at my new job right now! This week has been insane in the membrane, like so much going on that I’m getting cognitive dissonance.

    Sunday: moved into new apartment in new city (hi Boston!)
    Tuesday: Started new job at glorious beautiful creative place, had a mild freakout when I realized I don’t really know what I’m doing, experienced the glory of humanity when just about everyone went way out of their way to help me. Also got a little too drunk with my new roommates at a bluegrass evening in Cambridge.

    Wednesday: Drinks with an internet stranger which did not suck.

    Tonight: More drinks (I know, this week has been a lot) with a different internet stranger. This one seems promising, he’s a writer, which is cool, but I have a sneaking fear that he might be a Male Novelist ™.

    How’s everyone’s weekend looking?

    1. CleverManka +4

      Tonight I’m giving a massage to the Beloved (he has inflamed tendon issues so we try to do this once a week if we can). Tomorrow we’re working on my car. Sunday I resume boxing lessons. My weekend is gonna be fantastic.

      Yours? (here is hoping he is not a Male Novelist ™.

      1. ejbaker13 +3

        Aw that does sound nice! I mean, my parents are coming in to town, so that should be nice. I know, I’m crossing my fingers. At least if he is it’ll be a golden opportunity for some well placed misandry.

  57. deleted2997279 +5

    Last call for Toast Post! We have almost 200 participants in this round! Have you received or sent anything good this week? I got a great Postal Service card the same day I got a creepy Jehovah’s Witness solicitation, so that helped temper my “how did you get my address, oh religious ones?!?!?” freak out, so thank you Toastie<3!

    2. CleverManka +2

      I am so excited to send out a new batch of cards using THE CORRECT FUCKING POSTAGE this time!

    4. elsamac +3

      Thank you, polka_stripes, for organizing this!

      I fiiiiinally got my postcards from the original batch sent out over Labor Day weekend. To my matches: I’m so sorry to have been so late. I put your postcards in my handbag a month ago, expecting to take them to the post office, but instead they went to the hospital with me for a week, and then back home on bed-rest. I’m up and about now, and so are the postcards!

    5. anniekate76 +1

      Have matches been sent out yet? I have not gotten any emails or anything with a match, I don’t think.

      1. deleted2997279 +2

        No! I’m sorry – I got really busy at work unexpectedly (there’s a better version of excel there, heh) and now I’m visiting my parents for a long weekend….and newsflash to me, matching 175 takes much longer than matching 80, who knew! I am hoping to send them out in a couple weeks. Thanks for asking – it reminded me I want to post on the OT tomorrow to update everyone.

  58. horsenebula +4

    I’m feeling extremely depressed at the state of the horse industry, given that so many barns seem to be not inclined to pay their employees. I’m looking for a groom/instructor/assistant trainer type position and it’s amazing how barns only offer housing, training, and a tiny stipend. (The working student positions are the worst. “Come work for us! We’ll cover room and board and training. That’s all you need, because you won’t have any expenses.”…and my phone bill? my car insurance? cost of travel?)
    And the USDF is patting themselves on the back this month with a piece on how “the pipeline” is working. Sure, it excludes anyone who doesn’t have the money to support themselves while they train, but it’s working!
    (Ignore me. I’m just really sick of my current job, and stressing over not being able to find a new one.)

    1. blueblazes11 +1

      Oh, I hear you. There was a time in my life when I was really hating the corporate thing and tried to find a barn job.

      I was a part-time stall cleaner/turnout/groom person in college and remember those as days of peace and physical activity, unlike the corporate cubicle ratrace. I thought if I could find a barn job that would be enough to cover the bills I’d take a year off from my office job and just see how I felt about making less money but doing something that genuinely holds my interest.

      So anyway, I went looking. I don’t have any illusions about my ability. I’m a competent exercise rider but would never call myself a trainer. I really did just want to muck and turnout and do repair chores. Maybe harrow the arena.

      Yeah, good luck. Most of those jobs pay about $20 a day, and in my area, at least, they are advertized (subtly) to attract undocumented workers and/or part-timers who want a break on their board.

      “The pipeline.” What a joke.

    2. Es_Petal +1

      I don’t think the horse industry (at least in the UK, and I suspect it’s the same everywhere) is geared up for adults with real money needs. It’s all about exploiting the desperate horsemad teenagers who don’t know better! I had to get out of doing it professionally once I wanted to move out of my mum’s house and pay bills and not live on baked beans.

      1. horsenebula +1

        There’s for sure some teenager-exploiting jobs, but the most out-of-touch people I’ve encountered have been the ones hiring for semi-permanent training jobs. There have been several of them who think you should be able to drop $500 + on a plane ticket to interview in-person for a minimum wage job. Or they want show experience at a high level, and only want to pay a small stipend. Of course, having high level show experience is almost a guarantee that you come from a wealthy background, so maybe it works for them.

    3. horsenebula +1

      my current job does kind of allow me to support myself (housing, food, $50/week), and the work is enjoyable, but between really not liking my boss, and the extremely rural location, I’ve pretty much hit my limit of tolerance after a year. A similar paying job would be fine (temporarily, I realize this is not sustainable) if I didn’t have to drive two hours to feel like I’m not surrounded by small-minded bigots. Unfortunately, the political/social/economic views of your employer are hard to figure out until you’re there, so my current strategy is looking for jobs in areas of the country where I have friends, so at least I can spend time with them when I feel like I’m about to explode.

  59. seapartridge +9

    I’m having an okay Friday, except for the surprise cilantro in my noodle bowl 🙁

    I made a Tinder account (I know, I hate me too) in an effort to get over someone I think I accidentally fell in love with who (a) probably does not reciprocate those feelings and (b) is out of the country (and because I need to get out of the house muuuch more than I do). I’ve met some surprisingly decent people so far. I’m getting coffee with a guy after work, and I’m going out with two (TWO) awesome ladies next week (separately!). I’d been in the same long-term, monogamous relationship with a guy pretty much since I’ve been dating until the beginning of this summer, so I’ve never properly been out with a lady. I’m nervous!

    Also, I just moved into DC proper and am having a good enough time with that, though my roommates are very much of the “retreat into room, reappear occasionally for food” variety — which is fine, but I feel a bit alone in a new city.

    (also: thanks for the lovely and blush-inducing comments about the headshots I posted last week! I don’t have a computer post-work, and the comments are glitchy and annoying on mobile for me, so I didn’t have a chance to respond.)

    1. WanderingDancer +2

      Ugh, surprise cilantro is gross. No, I don’t want soap in my noodles, thanks. May your upcoming dates be as marvelous as noodle bowls, not as disappointing as cilantro!

    2. miprisci +10

      Your surprise cilantro is a GIFT and I am so sorry you can’t see the truth for what it is GOODBYE.

      OK, I’m back again to say that DC does take some getting used to, and it was a solid two years before I felt like I had begun to assemble a decent friend group. Super-secret advice: The best bar in DC is Bedrock Billiards in Adams Morgan, and their 8:00 p.m. Sunday night trivia nights are super fun and friendly and if you show up a few times, you will have made friends. Guaranteed. Do with that what you will.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Oh man, is that like the Bedrock that used to be in Baltimore for like, 5 minutes?? They had all sorts of games and it was suuuuper chill, with lots of live, local music.

    3. dreamstobecome +2

      Cilantro is the WORST, especially when it’s a surprise. 🙁

      Massive props for getting yourself out there and good luck with the lady-dates!

  60. teresamackadoo +5

    SF Toasties, thank you so much for your recommendations last week on fun places to explore! My sister’s visit was very successful, thanks to all of you. Even if I did make her walk 3+ miles every day.

    Edited to add another plea for advice: I may have my first OK Cupid date coming up. Does anyone have any tips here? He started out by chatting about Buffy, which is a good sign, but that’s not going to stop me from freaking out over this.

    1. paperbgprincess +3

      I know this is easier said than done (I posted earlier freaking out about a SECOND date) but try to relax! If you haven’t already set up an in-person meeting, do that — if we’re not going to have a great in-person connection, I’d rather find that out before messaging a zillion times back and forth. Since you’re not going to get into super deep conversation on the first date, pay attention to small things — does he offer to pay for your drink? (do you offer to pay for your own?) does he ask you questions about yourself? does it seem like he has the same sense of humor? does it seem like he’s listening to you?

      Allowances can be made for nerves, of course — the guy I am going on a second date with didn’t ask me very many questions, but I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to being a little shy, at least at first. And remember, if he’s a jerk and/or you’re not having a good time, it’s ok to leave. It’s also ok to politely say no or not respond to any followup texts/messages, if you want — it’s okcupid, not a marriage proposal. You don’t owe him more after only one date.

      1. paperbgprincess +6

        Oh, also — if it helps, you can try to think of it like a sociological experiment, and if he says weird stuff to you just remember it all and come back and tell us here and we shall laugh mercilessly at him on your behalf.

        1. teresamackadoo +2

          You’re wonderful 🙂 This is all super helpful, and I’m definitely going to go into it with that mindset. I think there’s a line in Gilmore Girls about a bad first date being a good story for your next first date? I try to think of it like that, but “laugh mercilessly like a misandrist witch” sounds like much more fun.

    2. RoseCamelia +3

      Paperbgprincess has the right idea. If your date bombs with you, it’s still Toast material. No downside.

      You are fantastic. Your date will be properly impressed with you. If s/he is not, then s/he does not deserve you. Move on to the next person.

      Making a list of questions in advance helps me calm down and be a good listener. Good luck.

    3. Rillquiet +4

      Keep it short! An hour of coffee or drinks, with a plausible reason to leave, is fine for a first date. If it goes well, hurrah, you’ve got the next to look forward to! And if he’s not what you’re looking for, hey, you’ve missed one episode’s worth of TV.

      1. teresamackadoo +2

        Definitely. I always try to give myself an out, because I’m a chicken and it’s so annoying to lose several hours to a mediocre dude.

      2. SmrtCookie +3

        Seconding the shortness. Have something planned (or “planned”) for after so you have to leave after an hour. I think the 1st date with someone from online is not actually a date. It’s more of getting together face-to-face to see if this is a person you would like to go on an actual date with. It’s hard/impossible to actually judge that from online interactions, especially when you’re first starting. If he’s not someone you’d like to go on a date with you’ve still had a useful interaction because you’ve helped calibrate that online:in person conversion.

    4. snani +2

      From my OkCupid experience, meeting for drinks at a reasonably early hour is a good first date. If you’re not feeling it you can politely bail after an hour; if it’s going really well you can get dinner.

      On the other hand I got all the advice you’re getting right now and the last OkCupid date I went on lasted for about 18 hours (*insert wolf-whistle*) and we’ve actually been dating for six months so YMMV. Good luck!

  61. radventuretime +4

    Hey Open Thread! My week has been going somewhat okay – I had a bad accident last Monday which left me very rattled (booooo) but on the bright side the bed rest has given me plenty of time/excuse to read like crazy for hours and hours!! I’ve been chipping away at Clarissa and Infinite Jest, and I finished Dracula, Picture of Dorian Grey (again) and The Immoraliste, so if anyone wants to talk about any of those, help me understand what the butt was going on with Gide, or recommend any other insanely and gloriously long novels have at it!

  62. beakbreath +1

    Does anyone use an android app to keep track of books they’ve read/want to read that they’d recommend?

    1. EPWordsnatcher +10

      Big ol’ fan of Goodreads! I use it almost entirely for keeping track of my list. It has other, more social functions, but there is no need to participate if you don’t want to.

    3. deleted2997279 +2

      I use goodreads to track what I’ve read (I also have a reader’s journal at home because: nerd alert) and I have thematic wishlists on Amazon (“fiction by women” “history about women” “true crime” “general current events/pop writing” etc). Both are websites, but both have apps. I sometimes use goodreads to track what I want to read (it’s easy to add something my friends read that looks interesting), but I usually end up moving those books to one of my Amazon lists.

    4. MilesofMountain +3

      I also use Goodreads, for both my read and want-to-read lists. I don’t really bother with the social or group aspects, but it’s good even without those.

  63. renjender +2

    Anyone else who’s a Toast fan/writer going to the Binders conference in NYC on Columbus Day weekend? I have a scholarship, the okay to crash with my uncle and aunt in New Rochelle and a cat sitter, so now I just need to connect with like-minded folks. The Toast seems an excellent place to start.

      1. renjender +1

        Yes, definitely, but I was also thinking we might be able to get a Toast reading together. Nicole and Mallory won’t be there (I don’t think) but I bet a whole bunch of other people who have written for The Toast will be. And that’s a reading I’d like to go to.

  64. highjump +8

    This work acquaintance of mine just told me on facebook in response to the RIDICULOUS news about the Samantha American Girl doll* that she had FIVE AG dolls as a child. Five. Plus I’m assuming clothes and so on.

    Now I’m like “whatever rich girl” and it seriously makes me look at her in a different light knowing she grew up in an environment with probably a thousand dollars work of American Girl stuff. Working class chip on my shoulder I guess.

    * They retired her and now they’re bringing her back with new stuff as a money grab http://www.americangirl.com/play/beforever/charac…

    1. allofthewhine +10

      Oh man, I feel that jealousy. I never had an AG doll (and never asked for one, because I knew what our family could and couldn’t afford), but I pored over that catalog every time it arrived.

      1. deleted2997279 +6

        Same. Honestly, I’m still a little jealous of anyone with even one (small voice – sorry toasties). On the plus side, I never would have been able to choose which one I wanted, so it spared my little adolescent heart from making that wrenching decision.

      2. cuminafterall +4

        Me too. I used to cut out the photos from the catalog to make paper dolls, and read all the books, too.

      3. twoburgers +8

        Me too. Like polka_stsripes above me, I’m honestly still jealous of anyone who had one. I had to get my kicks by reading all the books and sighing over the catalog.

      4. highjump +17

        Yeah. The catalog was so amazing. I did have one American girl doll in my youth – one of the girls of today that looked like me even though I specifically asked for Samantha – but I did not protest it at all bc I knew how expensive it was (bc of my extensive study of the catalog) and that there was no chance to ever own another so I better make the best of it.

        My best best best friend got me Rebecca for my 21st birthday – I was a Russian History major in college. Reader, I cried.

      5. radventuretime +4

        Same, I read them over and over, lingering over each page and imagining the games I would play with each toy set. Which makes it sound like I had an utterly Dickensian childhood (I didn’t) but I certainly coveted the girls who had AG dolls intensely.

    2. ramina +5

      FIVE??? I had two, and that was because I was lucky and buying AG stuff for me became an easy way to give me presents so my relatives did not have to think. Samantha and the Girl of Today, who creepily lost color in one of her eyes and she looks possessed now and I love it.

      I sold most/all of the clothing at a yard sale last year for fifty bucks and some Legos and I am weeping to myself now that I’m a bit more active of a doll collector (not AG, but some less expensive Mattel properties) and UGH.

    3. radventuretime +26

      All I ever wanted when I was a little girl was a Felicity doll because I was obsessed with Colonial America but I never got one because she was obscenely expensive. Flash forward 15 years – my first serious girlfriend and I are cleaning out her attic, she opens up a box containing FELICITY, SAMANTHA, ABBY AND MOLLY, just THROWN IN A BOX LIKE NBD NEXT TO SOME OLD BEANIE BABIES and she’s like “oh hahaha weird right remember these? my mom kept buying me these dolls I couldn’t stop her LOL” like YOU RICH WASP ASSHOLE HOW DARE YOU anyway we broke up later but I think that was what first drove a wedge between us.

      2. highjump +6

        YES YES This is exactly how I felt when she made this comment on my facebook! Like – what kind of life even is that to have?!

    4. ellehmariat +11

      I used the kit from the magazine that was supposed to help you save enough money to get a doll (there were puzzle stickers and you put a piece in each time you save a certain amount) but I’m pretty sure I ended up just getting my Samantha doll as a gift.

      I also had a Bitty Baby which I loved an unreasonable amount and was convinced that it was so realistic that people who saw me carrying it in public would think it was a real baby.

    5. ehmgeebee +15

      I had Samantha and my parents made me save up to buy her myself. It took more than a year of allowances and birthday monies and dollars earned for helping around the neighborhood. I still remember VIVIDLY riding my bike to 7-11 to turn all of my singles and fives and coins into a money order and waiting for six weeks (!!) for the doll to arrive. I am still proud of that and I cherished that doll. I fully plan to make my daughter do the same thing.

      On a side note about new Samantha, SHE’S GOT A BICYCLE AND A BLOOMERS OUTFIT, OH SHIT, AWESOME.

      1. highjump +10

        That is a beautiful lesson about perseverance. Good for you!

        Re: bloomers – I KNOW RIGHT? I loved Samantha because of the suffragette/feminist storylines and the badass class traitor stuff. Like in the Samantha Learns a Lesson book where she gives that report that is like “Look you fellow stuck-up private school bitches, my friend Nellie works in a goddamn factory. All of our problems are fake compared to that.” These lessons are still with me.

        1. alittleimprobable +6

          My parents struck a deal with me where I saved up for half and they paid for half. I was never so proud of myself in my life!

    6. ectocool +3

      I was…kind of? that person. I had four, and a hugely elaborate setup that included furniture, accessories, closets and trunks full of outfits, and huge enormous backstories and drama I acted out between the four of them. But you know what? They were pretty much all I cared about, toywise, and they are still my most prized possessions.

      Never cared about Samantha, though. Molly >>>>>

      1. highjump +6

        ngl, seven year old me probably would have thought you were Samantha in real life so of course you were not interested in the Samantha doll.

    7. annacperl +4

      Our well-off grandparents bought my sister & I one each (I got Molly, which I loved cause I had glasses too!). I don’t think we had any accessories, though? But I remember spending hours drooling over the catalogs. All the wee things!

      Related: my now-32-year-old sister has been reading the historical mysteries, and she says they’re fabu.

    8. samburgers +11

      My wife had SEVEN AG dolls as a kid. Her parents were also super abusive, so now I have this automatic association of TOO MANY AG DOLLS = COMPENSATING FOR BEING PURE EVIL

      1. highjump +4

        Well first of all this tells me that your wife is young enough that there were seven AG dolls available when she was a child? Or are we counting bitty babies? But yeah SEVEN dolls is just too much and I could see how extravagant (more than 2 AG dolls per person is my arbitrary definition of extravagant) gift can be a part of an abusive relationship. Most of the American Girl books support the idea that people with money are the worst. Even Samantha’s books. And I pretty much agree with that though (as you may know from the personal finance thread) I love amassing money myself.

          1. highjump +2

            Doubles. Of American Girl dolls. Did these dolls and your wife sleep on mattresses full of money?

    10. grumblyqueer +5

      I had Kaya, Molly, and one of their yearly dolls (she skiied and raised a service puppy? I forget her name), and I TREASURED them. I read every AG book (they had the 6-book formula per doll then), even the boring-ass ones. I researched wartime activities for American youth and Nimipu methods of food preservation until I could craft seamless playtime narratives. I spent YEARS of birthdays and allowance amassing the girls’ pets and vital gear (dog harnesses and wilderness survival stuff, not pretty clothes). You want to know which textile art Addie got into? What pet Josefina had? Which girl’s best friend died of TB? I’m your queer. The point is, merchandising is bullshit and Samantha was always the boring rich brat.
      Edit: I just checked on the website and WHAT THE FUCK AG WHY WOULD YOU DISCONTINUE FELICITY AND MOLLY AND KIRSTEN WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT. MY CHILDHOOD IS DEAD.

    11. lesliejroot +3

      This thread is amazing. I had two, Molly and Addy, but honestly, I liked having them (and reading the books over and over) more than I liked playing with them.

      But… did anyone else absolutely adore the paper dolls that came in the middle of American Girl magazine? Where it would be a real reader of the magazine who had (I guess) done genealogical research, and she’d come with outfits representing her and her female ancestors? I saved all those up in a special shoebox I decorated, and I also had an Anne of Green Gables and Diana paper doll set, and playing with them was pure perfection.

      1. rangiferina +3

        I am 90% sure I still have a shoebox filled with those paper dolls… somewhere. I LOVED them.

    12. bibliobotic +1

      Oh man, I definitely had……………………. uh, the first six of the historical line. BUT most of them were actually my mother’s? Because she collected dolls at the time? And she sews, so she actually made all of the extra clothes I had for them. And… and the doll was always my Christmas gift from my family? And…………………. and I’m sorry, you guys should come over to my parents’ house and play dolls with me.

  65. blueblazes11 +4

    Netflix instant has Bed of Roses again. I am not going to mention how many times I have watched and delighted in its ridiculousness in the past 48 hours.

    What’s your favorite so-bad-it’s-good romantic movie?

    1. WanderingDancer +9

      I love A Knight’s Tale so, so much. It’s a silly Ren Faire flick, but it has such a sense of joy that I can’t help adoring it.

    2. GreenGrasses +6

      LEAP YEAR!! Matthew Goode at his irish-y best, surprise Adam Scott, and amazing scenery. Plus, a castle in the rain. It’s amaaaazziiingg!

    3. catoclock +3

      Some friends and I impulse-watched Safe Haven (on Netflix) last weekend, which is a typical paint-by-numbers Nicholas Sparks deal except for a HILARIOUSLY WACKY plot twist at the end that we had jokingly guessed in a “wouldn’t this be SO FUNNY” sort of way but then it actually happened and it was wonderful.

  66. katiemcgillicuddy +5

    SPORTS sports sports SPORTS sports sports JUMP ON IT JUMP ON IT

    The Nats beat the Dodgers the other night, after losing 2 saves! Against Kershaw! (okay, it wasn’t his fault, whatever) What do you even do with that (I’ll tell you, you ignore the 2 lost saves and pretend the bullpen is just dandy, that’s what you do, shhhh)

    FOOTBALL, oh god, terrible, terrible football, I love/hate/love you. Please no one kill RGIII on the field (or off for that matter) this week.

    Gael Monfils! The following:

    Ok, guys, TAKE IT FROM THERE.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Also, I know the season started last night, so this is late, but does anyone have interest in doing NFL Pick ‘Em? If enough people do, I’ll set something up.

    2. regularmegan +3

      Oh man. I’m a Federer fan all the way, but that match was crazy. So disappointing to watch that fifth set.

      Also football. Seahawks! Yay! I didnt really watch yesterday due to tennis, but still, yay! All of these really reflective “should we like footballm it’s so violent/dangerous/evil” having been popping up in my twitter feed and i wonder if the world is trying to tell me something. Just let me watch and don’t make me think about the reasons.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +5

        It’s just…the NFL is such a terrible monster, and it’s getting harder and harder to ignore that. But weeeee, football season is here!!!111

        Monfils had been so much fun (has always been so much fun) to watch during this tournament, and I so, SO wanted to see him against Djoka.

        2. regularmegan +1

          I know. I also listen to a lot of sports talk radio and mostly end up cringing in the disgust at the way some of the radio douches things (like women, domestic violence, etc, etc). I have to pay attention to who is hosting when to avoiding the bros. Unfortunately it’s also getting harder and harder to ignore that the majority of them seem to fall into that category.

          It always seems like Monfils is going to figure his shit out, but then he cant’ follow through.

          1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

            God, sportstalk radio. I listen on and off all day, and am actually lucky (???) that our ESPN station here is pretty okay- likeable, even! The other DC station (106.7, and I’m looking at you especially, Chad Dukes) has a serious problem with women, and after one particularly memorable afternoon of punch-the-roof-of-the-car misogyny, I had to stop listening.

            Oh Monfils. Major after major after major.

    3. allofthewhine +3

      That Nats game was INCREDIBLE and was a rollercoaster ride the entire time. (Also I am very nervous about our two upcoming series against the Braves.)

    5. PunnyDreadful +4

      Nats are great, killing it, always happy.

      I take a perverse pleasure in watching the Redskins lose. Everything about them is terrible, from their pure-evil owner to their quarterback’s blown-glass Bambi legs to all of their fans. I walk around the neighborhood after they lose and bask in the dejected frowns. I’m a bad person, in other words.

      But seriously, football’s back, the US open is on, baseball is healthy and will never die – it’s the best week of the year.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +8

        Oh…oh, please don’t call them blown-glass Bambi legs. Oh god. Please. (I don’t know if I’m crying or laughing right now)

        1. PunnyDreadful +6

          It’s ok, my quarterback is a human muppet who throws like he picked up a football for the first time three days ago. Biologists should study the Mannings to figure out how talent diminishes so quickly between children.

    7. hugpunch +4

      I don’t have any sports to add, but I wanted to let you know that I saw your sports! post on an open thread a couple weeks ago and I hadn’t seen one in a while, probably not since the Hairpin, and I was like, “Awww yeah, she’s so great.”

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        No, YOU are so great! Thanks for saying that, I really appreciate it. Yeah, I hadn’t done it since the glory days of the Hairpin commentariat, partly because my life was a shitshow, and partly because it almost felt like cheating to post my silliness somewhere other than the Pin, but obviously The Toast kicks ass, so all is good.

    8. clarizard +1

      Other things:
      if we lose to the texans, I quit being a washington football fan (for the millionth time).
      I have a near perfect fantasy team except the very large flaw of GRONK. side eye.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        Yes, it doesn’t look good for Gronk this week.

        If we lose to the Texans, I will be sick all week waiting for the Jags game, oh god, we can’t lose both, oh god.

    9. m98widow +1

      I am excited for football! I really felt like I was falling out of love with it last year, although that may have been more due to everything going on in my personal life. But I have been reading through all of Deadspin’s “This is Why Your Team Sucks” posts and I’m planning on making something in the crockpot Sunday!

      And I am so, so glad that the Pats are starting their season with a 1:00PM Sunday game. I’m so sick of night games. Fall football should be in the afternoon.

    10. meetapossum +2

      I wish I could say I was excited for the Giants game on Monday, but geez, after last season…

      Next year will be a Super Bowl year, right?

    11. blushingflower +3

      I am SO MAD at the paper today. The Nats played that crazy longest-in-franchise-history game and they won and they are PROBABLY going to the playoffs, but today’s free paper had 4 full pages about football and only 1 article about the Nats (it was about Strasburg) and that didn’t even take up the whole page! (the rest was, of course, football). I LOATHE football and wish it would just go away forever, but my understanding is that the Washington Football Team will not be achieving much of anything other than possibly some concussions and other injuries that result from grown men throwing each other to the ground, so I really don’t understand why it deserves so much ink. IT IS STILL BASEBALL SEASON, GIVE ME MORE ARTICLES ABOUT BASEBALL! (On the plus side, since I either hate or just don’t care about pretty much all winter sports, it takes much less time to read the paper in the winter).

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        BUT IT’S FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL DURR FOOTBALL COME BE STUPID WITH THE REST OF US

        Seriously though, I want All Nats, All The Time right now.

        1. blushingflower +1

          I am going to the game on Sunday. I am kind of bummed that we are not going to “faith day” on Saturday b/c I would totes wear my t-shirt that has a pic of Stonehenge and says “give me that old time religion” on it. But, Sunday is “Pups in the Park”, so there should be lots of adorable dogs, which is pleasing to me.

    12. tragicallyludicrous +1

      Interlull. It is weird to see Germany without Philipp Lahm though, he’s been like my one constant. I don’t like this whole aging thing!

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Yeah, it had to be a weird time to be a fan of Germany, between him and Klose being done (internationally anyway). Aging, why are you doing this!?

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        Football Pants Season: The greatest of all seasons. (And for some of us, it also means girls in football jerseys, so)

    15. blunderbusst +1

      My hometown Triple-A baseball team has made the playoffs and I am going to a game tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday (unless we destroy our opponents tonight and tomorrow, go Aces). AND!!! Tickets we purchased were supposed to be reserved for season ticket holders so all our tickets WERE UPGRADED TO HOME PLATE PREMIUM SEATS FOR FREE.

      Meet me at the ballpark and I’ll buy you a hotdog.

  67. angryporcupine +2

    Hi Toastiefriends! I have a question about psych med stuff. So I’ve been on Zoloft for a while, and it works great except for the part where it kills my sex life almost entirely. This week I finally got fed up and asked my psychiatrist what I should do, and she prescribed me Wellbutrin to take along with the Zoloft. I’m kind of cranky about the idea of taking another antidepressant to deal with a side effect of my first antidepressant, even though logically I know plenty of people do it and I wouldn’t be some kind of big failure-y failurepants who can’t just overcome her problems with SHEER FORCE OF WILL (or, you know, only one medication) if I did. Anyway, does anyone have any experience with this med combo? My doctor said it might increase my anxiety, which would make it very much a no-go because I have enough of that to begin with. I would greatly appreciate any stories or reassurance you all might have for me.

    1. jenintheclouds +5

      Hi! I don’t have any experience with the Zoloft-Wellbutrin combo, but I DO have experience with Zoloft killing my sex drive, and it SUCKS and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. It got better for me after about a year, and it still takes a lot of work to remind myself “SEX IS FUN! DO SEX!” but it’s WAY better than it was before. I know that doesn’t sound super positive, but compared to how I felt before the Zoloft (lol sex? sorry too busy over here having a panic attack) it’s a definite improvement. SO, keep in mind that the two-med combo doesn’t necessarily have to be permanent. Also, from a chemical imbalance perspective, the additional medication is really just another thing impacting your brain in a way that will make it work more like it’s supposed to.

      And I also want to give you support for feeling like you wish you could just overcome your problems with sheer force of will. I felt that way too, logic be damned, and I want to be another reminder for you that being strong and fighting it yourself is AWESOME, but accepting help and medication is also awesome and shows that you have another type of strength.

    2. m98widow +3

      My father was on Wellbutrin for depression, but he also has anxiety and the Wellbutrin made it so much worse. He was almost completely non-functional. I really hope it works out for you, but if you feel any sort of symptoms definitely go right back to your doctor, I wouldn’t want you to have to go through that.

      Sorry that this wasn’t very reassuring but I know it was really hard to convince my Dad that it was the medication and not something intrinsically wrong with him when he started getting super anxious.

    3. ach_so +1

      No experience with the combo, but with Zoloft. My psychiatrist had me switch to taking it every other day when I complained about the lack of a sex drive, and it helped! Ask your doc if that could work for you (I sound like a commercial).

    4. mechabear +2

      No experience with this particular combo, but Celexa made it very difficult for me to orgasm. I did some research on my own and asked my dr to switch to Wellbutrin. She said sure, I tapered off Celexa and onto the Wellbutrin and lo and behold, sex was fun again. It’s only been a few weeks on the Wellbutrin, so I’m still adjusting my dosage, but I’m feeling pretty good. I was taking the Celexa primarily for anxiety, so I was a little worried, but I don’t think Wellbutrin has increased my anxiety. It’s a little hard to tell though, because there are a couple life-issues that are causing me some legitimate anxiety right now. But I don’t think the Wellbutrin is amping it up.

    5. thatgrrl13 +2

      I’m on wellbutrin and haven’t had any anxiety side effects, and my libido is in a screwy post-breakup place so I can’t comment on those kinds of side effects, but I say give it a shot. Wellbutrin doesn’t tend to have withdrawal effects tha are quite as awful as others, so if you don’t like it, its not so bad to quit it (in my experience- but I think we all know by now that when it comes to depression/anxiety meds, we are each a perfectly unique snowflake and NOTHING about one person’s experience will necessarily apply to anyone else on the WHOLE FREAKING PLANET).

    6. the_lovecats +1

      Maybe you could transition onto Wellbutrin only. It seems to have less side effects overall than other psych meds.

  68. ellehmariat +16

    Hi everyone, I need some advice! I am a Woman in Engineering (TM) grad student and have decided that instead of complaining all the time about how isolating my department is, I am going to enact change! I spoke with a few professors who are really interested in helping but I need ideas to bring to them. Right now there isn’t any sense of community and I do not feel like I belong or that I am supported. I don’t really see other people than the ones in my office each day, and I hardly ever see any professors other than my adviser. I’m sure that there are other people who feel the same. Does anyone have ideas that have worked for their departments or things that happened in grad school that made it more of a community and more of a cheerful experience? The end results that I would like to see would be more casual interaction between professors and grad students, more bonding within each entering class, and more mentoring support (especially for the alarmingly few women).

    2. thelyesmith +7

      I work in a university research centre as an administrator (the research is in social sciences, so I don’t know how transferable this will be). Things that bring people together are: free panels, talks, book launches, meet n greets, and free food. If your department has meeting room space, make sure to host events in the department. We also have a bunch of GAs working in common spaces, interacting with each other and sometimes professors who have space in the centre, and the Director and myself.

      1. ellehmariat +3

        These are good suggestions! We don’t have any common spaces right now but some professors are pushing to create a grad lounge. We’re also trying to start a weekly coffee/tea break where people can chat and catch up.

        Talks are a little hard because people might see them as an annoyance if it’s not something they are really interested in. I need to find out what kinds of talks or panels people would actually WANT to attend and not just feel like they have to.

    3. MilesofMountain +7

      I don’t know how practical either of these are, but in my grad program some of the things that helped build community was: having a mandatory “graduate skills” class where a lot of the time was spent giving practice presentations of our projects, and the school’s insistence on interdisciplinary offices. I got to know non-science students primarily because I shared an office with a few and their friends/colleagues would come by to talk to them and I’d get to meet them as a result.

      1. ellehmariat +5

        Interdisciplinary offices sound really great! I don’t think there is any chance of that happening here, but I plan to be on the lookout for interdisciplinary events that I can advertise to the department. I think it would be nice to have some kind of transition class for when we switch from doing entirely coursework to entirely research because I felt pretty unmoored at that time. I’m not sure whether anyone else in my class felt that way because I hardly ever saw them after that.

    4. Elizabeth +2

      We have a semi-regular pub night with grad students and assorted faculty, we assign a senior student mentor to an incoming student, and we have occasionally “pro-seminars” which are basically a meeting over lunch led by a faculty for grad students on how to become a member of your discipline (funding, publishing, etc.). We also have an informal dissertation writing group.

      1. ellehmariat +2

        I definitely want to start a mentoring program where new students get matched to senior students. In the incoming class there are 7 men and 1 woman, so I think it will be really important to make sure she gets connected to the other women in the department. Lunchtime seminars are also a great idea!

    5. cait0716 +9

      Good luck! I am also a woman in engineering currently trying to figure out how to enact change in my office (I got the hell out of academia). I went through some of this in college, too.

      The best thing is to dive right in and start bringing people together. Organize a girls night out for all the women in your department. Invite them all to a happy hour one evening, or maybe a potluck lunch one day. Set up some weekly or monthly something and make an effort to show up every time. Maybe you could all order sandwiches in every Thursday and take turns sharing your research. Just having some regular, low-key meeting will make a huge difference.

      It’s probably also worth looking up SWE (Society of Women Engineers). Is there a chapter on your campus? Could you start one?

      1. ellehmariat +2

        Thanks! I am planning to host a social gathering sometime soon, and maybe we can set up a regular lunch. In the past I’ve never been the type to step up and organize or plan something so this is a new and scary but hopefully rewarding experience for me!

        I think here we have Women in Science and Engineering (WISE) and it’s mostly for the undergraduates, but we could change that. I’ve been planning to go to the meetings once it starts up again in the fall.

    6. laurenipsum +1

      Are there other, similar/related disciplines or departments with which you could pool your resources? At my university Computer Science and Engineering are in one school together, for example …

  69. rallisaurus +3

    Toasties! I love me some oxfords (the shoes, apparently there is some kind of oxford shirt?) and I’ve been hunting for a not-too mensweary pair of oxfords, preferably blue or black (OR BETTER YET COLORBLOCKED) for a couple of years now. The problem is I am tired of shoes that are office appropriate yet not walking appropriate. Any recs for some comfy/cute oxfords?

    2. RoseCamelia +4

      Maybe you don’t want to hear this: I get the best office shoes in the men’s department. Professional looking. Roomy. Never toe-pinchy.

      1. rallisaurus +8

        Nooooo, I love this! Men’s oxfords are so cool and oddly not as masculine as some women’s oxfords can be. And I have big feet!

        I have probably been oppressing my feet with women’s shoes because I was buying into the needless distinction between men’s and women’s feet. I bet the men’s shoes get all the comfort!

      2. Household_Opera +4

        I’ve done this too. I have wide toes and narrow heels, and men’s shoes often fit my feet better than women’s shoes, which always seem to be designed on the assumption that women have narrow toes and wide heels.

    3. CleverManka +4

      I’m gonna be hanging out in this thread, because I’ve been searching FOR YEARS for a good pair of oxfords that don’t chafe my ankles if I wear them with just peds.

    5. deleted7410012 +3

      i’ve had pretty good luck with aldo. i have a pair of oxfords from there that have lasted 3 years so far. i got them resoled last winter.

      i also always see cute oxfords on asos but i dunno about buying shoes online.

    6. MilesofMountain +3

      I sometimes look at the Gravity Pope oxford category and sigh. Most of them are unfortunately out of my budget but there are some there for a reasonable price. I did get a pair of oxfords made by Shoe the Bear that were comfy (with an insole because there was no support) but they don’t seem to be selling them anymore. My boyfriend has the black and blue Fluevog CBC oxfords that he really likes, too.

    7. inapartydress +2

      I have had good (read: comfortable) luck with Etienne Aigner loafers, brogues and/or oxfords. They have a lot of menswear-inspired styles and last a long time. I’m currently still wearing pairs that I inherited from my grandma like 10 years ago now. I will note, however, that they tend to run narrow. Works for me, but your mileage may vary.

    8. ach_so +4

      Frye. I just bought a pair of the James wingtips on sale (!!) at 6pm dot com. Oh and they are in the men’s section, but Frye actually makes the exact same shoe for men & women. Obvi they are pretty butch, but they are classy as hell. And really, really comfortable.

    9. highjump +2

      Cole Haan! They have ones with neon colored soles and such. And also cute as hell penny loafers. Cole Haans are very comfortable but kind of expensive. I buy most of mine at 6pm.com Nordstrom Rack and sometimes TJ Maxx.

    11. Household_Opera +1

      They’re no longer available, and would doubtless have been too expensive for me anyway, but I’m keeping my eye out for oxfords like these.

  70. cuminafterall +8

    Today is my last day at my cushy government job! It’s been 4 years of mostly-good experiences, but I’m happy to move on.

    Annnd I have a phone interview for a new job literally the minute after I leave the office today.

  71. hugpunch +73

    Toast, I got my first credit card so i could pay for the ring I’ve designed for my ladyfriendpartnerperson, who i am soon going to ask to be my ladyfriendwifepartnerperson. Wish. Me. Luck.

      1. hugpunch +7

        Thanks, I will! Ring needs about two weeks, and then I’m good to go. Am planning something for in the woods, so no one else can see this hugpunch heart melting everywhere.

  72. ramina +14

    Toasties! I signed up for OK Cupid the other night in a fit of loneliness (and shortly before I noticed the ex-bf reactivated his facebook just to say that he was in a relationship, something he did not do the four + years we dated so I got a little miffed at him for that) and I got my first messages of substance last night. I am nervous because I have never done the online dating thing before – this is the first time I’ve been single in almost eight years – and am filled with the usual concerns of creepers/weird people/fetishists/etc.

    Work Husband and a few other coworkers have met their current partners on various dating sites, and they’re all mostly well-adjusted humans, so if it worked for them it will work for me right? I’ve never been afraid of being fat on the internet before but I am now. Even if OKC says that I’m “more confident than most straight women my age” or something.

    2. Beakses +5

      I met my husband on OK cupid and I am (obviously) quite partial to him. And actually, the other guys I went on actual dates with were reasonable, interesting human beings as well. I liked going on dates sooner rather than later, and I found that it helped me to have more than one guy in the pipeline, as then it didn’t feel like there was too much weight on any one date with any one guy. YMMV on that front, though- I know some people don’t have the bandwidth to deal with more than one person at a time, and obviously that’s fine too!

      Do not feel even the slightest bit bad about deleting/blocking/whatever people who are obviously terrible, though. Them being terrible has nothing to do with you and you are best off discarding them as quickly as possible.

  73. rkfire +8

    Guys! I’ve been laying low because last Saturday I smashed the tip of my middle right finger off when practicing for an event in the Strongwoman competition I signed up for. I was trying to put 150 lbs on a 24inch box. I lost control, the weight swung forward and I fell, smashing my finger between the handle of the implement and the box itself.

    I’m in very little pain and my finger is now in a constant state of bacitracin and gauze. nerves are okay, bone is intact.. AMA. I even have video because, as I said, I was practicing for an event.

    [Also, many thanks to Toastie Twitter for being supportive, since I broached it on there first!]

    1. EPWordsnatcher +6

      LEARN FROM MY FINGER MISHAP and change the gauze frequently enough that your finger does not start healing over it (assuming it is/was an open wound.) Hope you are feeling better soon!

      1. rkfire +4

        AHHHHHH!

        It is an open wound, but for better (to avoid that, I suppose) or for worse (I have to look at it 🙁 ) my doctor’s orders are to clean my finger and to change the dressing twice a day.

        1. EPWordsnatcher +2

          Yes that sounds good, do listen to your doctor and don’t do what I did (which was mostly 1. accidentally cut off tip of finger, 2. don’t go to doctor, 3. wrap it in gauze and attempt to not think about it, and 4. see above).

          2. EPWordsnatcher +5

            Yeahhh, that was Bad Decisions With Wordsnatcher (Last Summer). I have total faith that your finger will heal better and faster than mine! Feel good about your adult decisions to follow doctor’s orders. 🙂

  74. fleurdelivre87 +3

    I went to a “Kayaking 101” class last night and I can’t tell if the instructor was being a dick to me or if I’m oversensitive? I feel like he was not patient enough for teaching true beginners and that he wrote me off about 20 minutes into a 2 hour paddle. He would spend like 5 minutes showing us one thing (stop, sweep stroke) and then be like, “paddle over to that other duck blind” and then move onto something else more difficult. I’m not naturally athletically inclined and he kept telling me the way I was paddling my kayak was not “good technique” when I was just trying to not run into other boats and/or capsize my own? And then he was nowhere to be found when we were getting out of the lake just said, “Do the same thing you did to get into the boat [2 hours ago! The last time I said something constructive to you!] but in reverse,” and I inevitably sat down in the water on the bank and my arm got caught in a strap on the boat.

    Any paddlers out there willing to cheer me up and get me excited about learning again?

    1. RoseCamelia +16

      He was a dick. Complain to his management. Get a refund. Find another class. You deserve better.

    3. deleted2997279 +6

      I would say kayak your butt over to management and complain, except you can’t because he did not teach you!! Get a refund and take your time and money elsewhere.

    5. groovealee +5

      Yeah, sounds like a bad instructor. Telling you your technique isn’t good doesn’t help. He needs to show you what you’re doing incorrectly and how to do it right! I hope this one experience doesn’t turn you off paddling. I love kayaking, it’s my #1 hobby. It just takes some time and practice to get the hang of things. Kayaking can be lots of fun and empowering. If you feel you didn’t learn anything ask for a refund, or to retake the class with a different instructor.

      I would not say that getting in the kayak is the same as getting out (slightly different balancing needed)! What an ass!

    6. Rillquiet +8

      The learning curve on kayaking, especially if you were in a whitewater boat rather than a sea kayak, is damn steep. He may, if we’re being generous, have been trying to keep the more advanced students from getting bored, but that isn’t an excuse.

      If you’re inclined to try it again, I recommend finding the manager and saying calmly, “I was looking forward to this, and your organization came well recommended. But this instructor did not meet my needs or the standards I was led to expect, and I would like to have a repeat session with someone who is a bit more involved with students who have a tougher time.” Instructors work FOR YOU; it is not sad or bitchy or weird to politely tell them when they’re not doing their jobs. (I say this as someone who once sat down on a ski slope, waved the instructor over, and said firmly, “The other students seem to be doing better than I am, so I would appreciate more feedback to keep me involved and enjoying this.” He visibly shrank back, but he also started identifying my problems and giving me solutions.) It’s also not a bad idea to get a curriculum beforehand–IMO, wet exits should be item number 1, because knowing how to deal with emergencies is more important than proper stroke technique–and review it so that you can see whether it looks like it’s overambitious.

      I found whitewater kayaking involved too much adrenaline for me, so I didn’t pursue it, but sea kayaking in Canada through pods of orcas made me glad I’d stuck out the classes and wet exits and rescues and the muscle soreness.

  75. Toft +17

    Thanks to everyone who recommended Ancillary Justice a while back! For anyone who didn’t see the posts where people recommended Ancillary Justice, it’s a sci-fi book whose main character is an intelligent spaceship built by an advanced human society called the Radchaai. The Radchaai are very concerned with justice and propriety, and they do not notice gender at all, referring to everyone as “she” – but they have serious classism problems and they spread their values by annexation and imperialist rule. What’s cool about the book is how convincingly this is done given how wacko the premise is. It’s all believable and human and immediate. I care about these characters. Though the problems in their societies are very different from the ones we’re used to, they feel familiar anyway. There’s an awful lot of worldbuilding and story and backstory going on, but somehow it’s all woven together in a way that’s effortless to read and probably was not at all effortless to write.

    I’m not done yet, but so far I think it’s likely to be the best sci-fi book I’ve ever read (though I don’t read much sci-fi). This book seems pretty one-of-a-kind, but if there’s anything similarly great that you can think of for readers of Ancillary Justice to read when they’re done, please tell me!

    1. viviennestreet +3

      I’m glad you like it! I read a lot of SF&F, and I agree that it’s pretty one-of-a-kind. Is there anything you like about it, specifically? Is there something particular you like to see in books?

      1. Toft +4

        I mostly like how thought-provoking it is, and how it portrays a society with problems that seem weird and alien at first, but by the time I’ve spent some time in that world and I close the book and return to real life, I have a greater appreciation for how weird our own society’s problems are.

        I like how it achieves fast pacing without relying too much on scenes of violence, and how the backstory and worldbuilding are integrated really nicely into the flow of the story rather than being delivered in huge, plot-stopping infodumps.

        I like how it takes place in what’s obviously a very creative and thought-out world, but the author uses that world as a backdrop to tell a good story, rather than just constantly drawing attention to how detailed and clever the premise is.

        Yeah, that’s a lot of stuff that I like about it, and I don’t necessarily need a book that does all of those things, but a book that does some of them would be nice!

    2. octopoda +4

      +1 for Ancillary Justice. For other scifi, I really enjoy Iain M Bank’s Culture novels. There may be some aspects to those you would like (AIs that manage society, post-humans, the ethics of more powerful civilizations dealing with less powerful ones).

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

          I really like those books but I would strongly suggest starting with The Player of Games because it is much, much more accessible. IMO!

          1. laurenipsum +1

            The Player of Games is also where I started, about this time last year, on the advice of an esteemed colleague who’s a big Banks fan. I have also read Consider Phlebas. Player is a good overview of the Culture, if you can find it.

    3. chickpeas +1

      The next book in what’s planned to be a three-book series comes out this fall : )
      http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9780316246651-0

    5. baby_crow +2

      yessss I finished Ancillary Justice a couple weeks ago and really want to re-read it, I loved it so much.

  76. perianwen +3

    Followup on melatonin – I took a 5 mg dose for two nights in a row. I don’t know if I was so overtired that it compounded everything, but I basically spent last weekend feeble and unable to get up and do anything! I just wanted to nap almost all the way through the weekend, and had zero energy to even get up and cook dinner. I will try again this weekend and see, now that I’m a bit more rested, if it was just my body, or if the melatonin really has that much of an effect the following day. #science

    1. RubyArbogast +2

      5 mg might be a bit bunch, especially if you’re not used to it. I took 3, back when I was taking it.

    2. donkeywork +2

      I used to take 3 and did sometimes feel hungover the next day, though I felt the same if I got deep sleep after going without for awhile. Sorry it put you so far under! I don’t like that feeling at all.

  77. dakimel +24

    Toasties, it’s been a long time. How’reya? Missed you terribly!

    So I’ve been MIA for a few weeks. 10 days to take my son to college & drive back across the country (I drove 3775 miles through so much desert in August, it was insane & astounding). Then more days to be sick because I wasn’t pushing myself to drive 500 miles a day anymore, and then to figure out what life’s been up to since then. Oh, yeah, and notice that I have another son and a spouse and all that.

    Anywho, in addition to being someone who has taken to saying anywho, I have this to say:

    Moving a child into a dorm? If/when y’all get to that place someday, just stay hydrated, okay? I was fine, just task-oriented, until his roommate’s mom noticed my son’s Pooh Bear blanket. It’s a throw someone gave us when he was born, with his name/birthday embroidered on it, and it’s been on his bed ever since.

    So Son has this folded up discreetly tucked away while Roommate’s parents & sisters & grandmother are moving around organizing Roommate’s life, but the mom notices it and pulls it out. And guess what? Roommate has the same blanket! He left it at home, but she’s going to send it to him now.

    And then we ran the last of our errands and he was as organized as he was going to get that day, and had to go off to do college things with college people and not see me again until November.

    And now I’m crying again. Not as violently as I did that afternoon. Or later that night when a friend took me for drinks, or the next day when I just glanced at a photo of him as I was scrolling through my phone.

    Or the next week when our insurance agent said that to take him off our policy & save me that whole ‘teen boy driving’ cost he had to be over 100 miles away, and I said, “Yeah, he’s 1500 miles away” and started getting weepy.

    Anyway, the desert is a gorgeous, amazing, dry place.
    There are 6 million colors and rainbows you can watch for 50 miles as you drive to them.
    Sometimes truck trailers catch on fire at midnight in the middle of nowhere, with an hour of driving before the next hotel, and you and the long-haul truckers get to sit around for 90 minutes while emergency vehicles are dispatched from the nearest town to wave you on.
    Audiobooks are essential to life.
    There’s a dusty gift shop at the Continental Divide that sells ice cream bars and sage smudge sticks.
    There are at least 2 guys who ride their horses across the Rio Grande from their Mexican border town to set out trinkets for hikers in Big Bend Nat’l Park to honor-system buy, and their dog is very sweet and loves to swim.
    Buying groceries for a household of 3 is markedly different from buying groceries for a household of 4.
    I’m happy to be home.

    1. ramina +5

      When I moved into college for the first time, I was hesitant because my roommate and I did not really know each other – we’d only spoken on the phone once or twice and it was SCARY.

      All fears were waved when she put up her Legolas poster next to my Aragorn one.

      I hope your son’s roommate ends up being just as wonderful as my freshman year roommate was!!

      1. dakimel +10

        He plays bassoon. My son plays violin. They both study brain things. They have pooh bear blankets and both brought blue sheets and grey towels. I think they’re a match made in heaven or something.

    2. blushingflower +1

      *hugs*
      My mother always says that the worst day of her life was the day she moved me into the dorm. It’ll be okay.

      1. dakimel +4

        thanks – I suspect the worst day will be when we move son #2 into his dorm, but fortunately we have almost 4 years before that dread day. Not that we’re not grooving on the semi-empty nest. “Hey, kid is sleeping over on Saturday!” “SCORE!” “Hey, Kid has all-day band event next week!” “SCORE!” Poor guy’s gonna feel unappreciated if we keep moaning when he’s home too long.

    4. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      Good luck to you and your household and your son! My daughter just started kindergarten so it is the other end of the spectrum but I know the time will come when she is leaving and wow.

      1. dakimel +5

        It’s pretty heart-rending, but one of these days he’ll be back living in my non-existent basement & then I’ll be sick of him. Or so I tell myself.

  78. 2for1cheesecake +12

    Brag/accountability time:
    I recently moved to a new city and even more recently decided that I have to make a project of meeting new people, because otherwise I just sit inside and miss my friends and then have regrets about not doing stuff. ANYWAY, this week I a) went to a Toast meet-up!! b) committed to commenting on at least one article a day instead of just composing comments in my head but never actually interacting with anyone c) blocked several TERRIBLE websites that I don’t need to waste my time on anymore (actually did this a few weeks back, and am so much the better for it and d) just signed up for the Toastie postcard swap. Baby steppin’ my way back to a social life.

    3. DeepBlueC +2

      Oh I feel you on the project of meeting new people! It’s not that I *dislike* it, per se (I’m a pretty social introvert, as things go), but it’s pretty overwhelming to me to figure out just HOW to meet them. I just moved too, and I had such grand plans for making new friends, and it’s been a month and a half and no luck yet. I’ve been doing martial arts (with a *really* small group of people who I know will never be more than classmates, sigh) and I’m going to start volunteering on Monday (blood drives! yay! I’ll at least say hi to lots of people, ha). Good luck to you, fellow social life seeker! We can do it.

  79. blunderbusst +22

    Weren’t we going to do a bunny/rabbit thread here today? Let’s get it started! (Unless I missed it already, which is totally possible.)

    Edited because these pics were giant and I am dumb and resizing is hard but I figured it out yay.

    1. annacperl +6

      Bunnehs! Here is our Bernie yesterday, having jumped on the couch to beg for tortilla chips. He didn’t get any.

          1. blunderbusst +3

            P.S. Bernie is ADORABLE. Ours is BB, which stands for Bunnicula (my choice, straight from one of my favorite books as a kid) Buttons (BIL’s pick, because he is a sap). The Sister sorted it out, for she is a master of compromise (and not wanting to hear us fight about it).

          3. blunderbusst +2

            One of my very first favorites! The first book to ever make me laugh so hard that I couldn’t breathe. It’s in the same club as “Where the Red Fern Grows,” which was the first book to ever make me sob uncontrollably, and the first time I ever thought, “Whoa…books…powerful.”

    2. blueblazes11 +1

      Do you guys feel like bunny ownership has the same…relationship(?) qualities as a dog or a cat? I mean, are bunnies interactive and smart? The Mr and I have been talking about a bunny or a rat, as it seems our local HS always has some that need homes and we’d like something relatively small and cuddly/playful.

      1. floridagal1 +4

        Some rabbits are, some are not. Generally larger breeds are less afraid of you and more likely to show lots of personality. That said, my extremely skittish Netherlands Dwarf will run away from you in terror, but if you can manage to pick him up, he will lean against you and plop his chin on your hand/arm/whatever and sometimes do that purring thing they do while you pet him, and he will let you hold him and pet him forever. It really depends on the rabbit.

      2. blunderbusst +4

        How much authority do I have, being a 1/3 bunny owner for exactly 9 days? Our new friend has much more personality than we expected (we are dog and cat people primarily) and amuses us endlessly by doing such fascinating things as eating and pooping. When we take her out of her habitat, she is super curious and all hoppy-aroundy and seems to really enjoy crawling all over us. Last night, she hopped around my bed while I played my DS, and would periodically hop into my arm-nooks to watch the screen, and then hop away.

        When she started chewing on my fingers, we put her away and gave her some food, in case the chewing was because she’s hungry and not actually a Dracula.

      3. annacperl +6

        It certainly can! With our bunny I’ve found you get out what you put in–that he’s more social the more you hang out with him, pet him, let him hop around the place (SECURE YOUR CORDS). My husband got him years back (he pre-dates me) because he wanted a pet that was quiet and low-maintenance, and he’s very much that. Also he gets along with our cats really well.

        1. blunderbusst +4

          Oh yes. They will eat everything not nailed down.

          Including their own poop. which I think is really weird.

          1. floridagal1 +4

            Yes even knowing the biology behind it (basically they make two kinds of poops, and one is poop-poop and one is vitamin-pellet-poop) I still think its gross.

  80. AddieJoy +41

    I told my best friend that I finally felt up to being a hellcat again (not in those exact words) and he told me to go make Mallory proud. So I’m cutting off all my hair tonight and then going to a punk show and dancing and maybe destroying the hopes and dreams of men. #shorthairnoheart

    1. cuminafterall +8

      YESSS I had been feeling left out because big hair is genetically impossible for me, so I am all about #shorthairnoheart. CUT IT ALL OFF AND REVEL IN YOUR HEAD’S FREEDOM

  81. deleted3330677 +3

    Soooo…I don’t post here much (even though I’m a daily reader), but I’m hoping to get a little insight into a problem I’ve been struggling with for the past couple of months.

    I can’t stand living with my roommate. She smokes in her room, a smell which permeates the entire apartment, on a daily basis, despite telling me when we moved in together that it would only be an occasional occurrence. She doesn’t help clean the apartment or help with necessary purchases, such as toilet paper and dish soap. She regularly (as in 4 or 5 nights a week) comes home blackout drunk, making noise and messes both in our apartment and in the hall, which wakes up other people in our building. When she is sober, she’s hungover and her terrible mood makes being in the apartment with her a miserable experience.

    I’m so unhappy with my living situation that it’s starting to affect other aspects of my life.

    I know I need to talk to her, but I’m so conflict averse, and have had so little experience dealing with roommates, that I don’t even know how to go about having this conversation.

    I also have a feeling that a conversation with her will lead to promises of change which won’t actually happen.

    Does anyone have any advice for starting this conversation with my roommate?

    If the situation doesn’t get any better, is there anything I can do to get out of my lease or arrange for someone to sublet my room with minimal risk to my credit and future apartment renting ability?

    Gah. This whole thing is miserable. Thanks for listening, Toasties.

    1. 2for1cheesecake +5

      I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I have some bad roommate experiences in my past, and I’m still mad at myself for NOT speaking up and making changes. I’m also very, very conflict averse, but I usually get through that by imagining the feeling of relief I’ll have once the thing is actually said, and out in the world rather than wearing through my stomach lining.

      So, part a) is: imagine how much better you’ll feel when you’ve said something. Part b) depends on whether both of you are on the lease. If it’s just you on the lease, I think you should flat-out tell her to leave. Her behavior isn’t just annoying, it’s really unacceptable for living in a shared space. If you think it will make things easier, you could give her a time-based ultimatum, like “If you don’t buy x, y & z, and not wake me up with crying/vomiting/yelling AND clean the bathroom twice in the next 2 weeks (or whatever), you have to move out.

      If you’re both on the lease, I would still be very time- and task-based in my requests. Try to focus on concrete, actionable things first (when you talk to her) and THEN talk about how it’s making you feel, and how it’s affecting you. It sounds like she might be having a tough time, but you could also appeal to her empathy: “Imagine if I was acting this way. What would you do then?” or “Do you think you’re cleaning enough? Do you think you’re being considerate to me/other residents?” Then, again, even if she’s on the lease, give her a short timeframe to initiate change. You also need to think (and maybe write down, for yourself) exactly what you’ll do if she refuses to make changes, or if she says she will, but doesn’t. Can you talk to the building manager or landlord? Can you talk to someone who has experience in renter law? Can you move all her stuff into the street and set it on fire while she’s out on a bender? Ok, j/k with that last one, but I think having a Thing you will really do, and not just threaten to do, will help you feel better.

    2. aravisthequeen +8

      I HAD THIS ROOMMATE. Only he was male and mega disgusting. So, so, so awful. I am so, so, so sorry. In my situation when I said something, he said “You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do and I don’t want to clean.” So I just did not speak to him for the rest of the year. Because fuck that shit. I cleaned, but when he left his dirty dishes in the kitchen I piled them in a bag and left them in his room. I ain’t washing your shit.

      I solved my problem by getting a new roommate and telling him he had to move out. He got his MOM to call me, who yelled at me and told me I was “being mean,” but I had a roommate lined up and he didn’t, so his mommy came down to move him out.

      It was a horrid experience but I think getting out for you will depend on who is on the lease. I cannot speak to subletting, etc., but are you in school? Sometimes colleges will have free legal aid for students, or someone you can talk with about your options. Big cities will also have low-cost legal aid available through renter’s board–start by googling “tenant law [your city]” and see what comes up.

      Good luck!

    3. Momthra +11

      Move out. Straight up. It’s not even worth it.

      Check out your lease and talk to your landlord about subletting or substituting a tenant. If the language of your lease allows sublets, you’re all good! Even if it doesn’t they’re usually pretty accommodating, especially if you already have some potential people lined up. The worst thing that could happen is that you would be on the hook for rent until the space is filled. (But actually, your roommate would be on the hook since you’re probably ‘jointly and severally liable’. The lawyer in me wants to tell you that she would then have to take you to court to get your share – but that’s not legal advice and way more headache than you actually want.)

      1. Absotively +2

        I agree with this, but also: look up tenants’ rights for your city/area. They will probably have a thing online telling you what the local regulations/laws say about ending a lease early.

        For example, I just looked up early-lease-ending for where I live. It turns out that here, one type of lease can’t be ended early unless the landlord did something wrong (or agrees to end it early, I assume), but another type can be ended early by giving a certain amount of notice in writing, even if the landlord objects.

    4. dakimel +7

      I hate conflict & confrontation as much as the next person (where ‘next person’ = ‘you’) but you are definitely at Speaking Up & Making Changes time.

      As others said, the particular course of action you take is based on who’s on the lease, but here’s the thing: you KNOW she’s not going to change. You KNOW her promises will be empty (you are NOT WRONG about that.) The situation WILL NOT get better.

      So there’s no point having a conversation that’s all “hey, let’s discuss a way to move forward together” or “how about if I give you one more chance?” because then you’ll just be back in the cycle of wondering if THIS thing she did was fucked up enough to act, or should you wait for THAT thing instead, and meanwhile the more she gets away with, the more she’s going to keep not changing.

      In which case, the conversation is: “I am the leaseholder and I am giving you X days until you move out”
      or
      “We are joint leaseholders and we will not be living together after X date; you can sign the lease over to me or I can sign it over to you” (NOTE: I have no clue on how leases work in this case, but your rental office will surely have dealt with this before and their comments are a starting point for what you do next.)

      Remember: she is the jerk here. Not all roommates are like this. Any one of us would VASTLY prefer to have a roommate like you, and we’re not unusual people – you can replace her or find a new place to live, and you will no longer be miserable, and you will also be proud of yourself for acting when you knew you needed to act. Go forth and end this thing, because it’s toxic and unredeemable.

    5. zanopticon +2

      I have no useful advice but I have to say that I just up and left a different but also miserable living situation that had been torturing me for months and months, and it was SUCH A GOOD IDEA. When your actual home is making you unhappy it really does creep into every aspect of your life, and you don’t realize it until you’re out from under it. Stop being tough! Get out of there! Or get her out of there! You will be so, so glad you did.

  82. embryoconcepts +17

    Question: What do you do if, during a discussion about commitment rings, your boyfriend says “why don’t we just make it official”, then FALLS ASLEEP?! When questioned the next day for clarification, answer is “I assume at some point we’ll probably get married” *shrug*. So much vagueness…

    2. dakimel +6

      well, duh. You swoon, obviously.

      Or politely inform him that you’ll be happy to let him know when you’re ready to commit to his ass.

    3. jimmyjimjimjim +3

      Commitment ring as in pre-engagement ring, or commitment ring as in “I don’t believe in marriage but wouldn’t mind an actual symbol of our relationship”?

      1. embryoconcepts +3

        Commitment ring because he is (extremely justifiably) nervous about getting remarried. I was ok with that, but did inform him that at some point we should do paperwork of some sort, so we could take care of each other in the case of illness/accidents and for inheritance rights. We are both all in, just nerves and getting past bad prior experiences. Which was why it was a bit of a shock to hear him ask why we weren’t making it official…I was giving him space, and he thought the commitment/not-marriage rings were because I was hesitant. Lack of communication that I then tried to clarify, leading to his super-vague response.

  83. SmrtCookie +3

    The Tyra gif upthread reminded me: does any one else watch America’s Next Top Model? Please tell me I’m not the only bad feminist with this particular vice. This season: completely terrible or is it just the terrible men pulling it down?

    1. ejbaker13 +2

      NO YOU’RE NOT ALONE LET’S TALK ABOUT IT. Maybe terrible? But in a delightful train wreck way? I really like Chantelle and Will so far, and I think Romeo is sort of hilarious in a “oh my god my 13 year old self would love you” kind of way, but I could see him getting annoying fast.

      But otherwise, yeah, terrible men.

      1. SmrtCookie +2

        Hello friend! I feel like normally there are some terrible people but I love to hate them and this year there are some terrible people who I just need off my television? But A+ judging panel. Miss J for life. I agree, Will and Chantelle are by far the best. What do you think of Yu Tsai?

        1. ejbaker13 +2

          I don’t know, I don’t think I’ve formed an opinion yet. But it seems like he could weed out the weak pretty effectively.

      2. dakimel +4

        OMG how much would you HATE living with Romeo, though? When every ten seconds he’s reading someone’s Tarot or self-consciously adjusting his favorite choke-collar? I am happy to love him from a distance, but I feel sorry for everyone in the house with him.

        1. ejbaker13 +1

          Yeah, he’s definitely got a sort of wannabe Rick Genest lite thing going on. I wonder how much of that is calculated television persona, and how much is genuine insufferableness. Also I’m sure every non-ridiculous Wiccan watching cringes whenever he comes onscreen.

      3. alittleimprobable +1

        I think I maybe love it MORE because there are so many terrible men. Adam is SO DEAD INSIDE.

    2. dakimel +4

      I watched several cycles, then stopped, but started again during last cycle & have been all about this one. The terrible men are SO TERRIBLE. I will dive through the TV & choke that frat boy party dude with my own hands, any second now. Just perfecting the whole physics-bending side of my plot, but it’ll be so worth the time & expense.

      Makeovers! My favorite part! Up next!

        1. SmrtCookie +1

          They don’t like him! Only Tyra (and you know the producers) like him! He’s for sure the worst.

      3. SmrtCookie +1

        Makeovers! I’m so excited to see who gets the terrible weave and/or the terrible bleach job.

    3. evieskye +2

      I watched ANTM from the beginning but I bailed out during the first season that involved guys. Booo. FOMO question though–is it good terrible? Should I put it back on the Tivo?

  84. turanga_leela +1

    Anyone else watching Breathless on Masterpiece Mystery? I feel like I am the only one watching it and I have no one to talk about it with. My favorite character is Lily. She is just so sweet!

    1. dakimel +2

      We watched like 15 minutes and deleted. Am I missing out? It just… it was so stylized & I couldn’t tell hardly any of the men apart & I guess I was in a bad mood, but still. I want comfort-food Masterpiece, and this was plated too prettily for me.

    2. Lily_Rowan +1

      I’m watching it, but don’t know who the characters are! Is Lily the nice wife of the worst doctor?

      What I don’t understand is why it is on Mystery?

      1. turanga_leela +1

        I do not know why it is on Mystery, something about the thing that happened in the main doctor’s past? The mystery for me is what is with the main doctor’s relationship with his wife? Did I miss something? They seem really not that friendly and loving but seem to have an understanding about staying together. But on the other hand she is willing to have an affair with the creepy detective to get some pictures and evidence from him for her husband. I really feel like I missed something there.

        And yes, Lily is married to the worst doctor. He does not deserve her.

        1. Lily_Rowan +1

          I think something is supposed to be revealed re: the main guy/wife situation. I’m guessing the main guy is not actually the father of that boy? But am not sure in what way (adoption, affair, previous relationship?) or what that matters to the creepy detective.

          1. turanga_leela +1

            OK, so I didn’t miss anything.

            I just realized that by worst doctor you may mean the young guy who needs a personality transplant, that guy is the wooorst. I mean the one who is a bad doctor and might have killed that woman. Lily, his wife is played by the actress who was in Love, Actually as the stand in for the “maybe it’s a porn” movie. The reason I love her is she reminds me of my good friend who seems like a pushover but when it comes to her man she is a fierce mama bear. I am just waiting for Lily to become fierce. My friend’s man does not deserve my friend either.

          2. Lily_Rowan +1

            OH YEAH. Dr The Actual Worst is married to the one with the secret sister who had the miscarriage. Lily is the one who was trying to teach her to cook but didn’t show up to throw her (Joan??) dinner party, due to getting it on with her husband.

            I said I didn’t know who any of the characters were!

  85. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

    SF Toast People, the lovely RoseCamelia is coming to San Francisco in a few weeks, and we should meet up to meet her! But I, alas, do not LIVE in San Francisco, so I am not sure where would be good. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? Someone who is able to organise this and doesn’t live an hour away from the possible venue?

    2. gentlehangovers +1

      I am VERY late to the OT, but I’m in San Francisco and would be up for a hangout (except I am going out of town at the end of September so…depends on the dates I suppose.)

  86. annacperl +6

    My husband and I watched all five Twilight movies Monday and Tuesday, and I can’t quite explain why. It was an experience.

    Also, I belched until I threw up for the second time in a week! Hooray!

    1. cuminafterall +1

      Gross question for you: was this throwing up like clenchy-stomach spewing? Or more like… productive belches, for lack of a better term? Because I’ve been getting those A LOT lately and it’s gross and I hate it. I just want to digest the food I’ve eaten, for crying out loud!

      1. annacperl +1

        Dude, no, I’m the one who brought up barfing. It’s the former–for ugh, a couple of years? I’ve had this thing sometimes where I just belch and belch with no relief. Like, it can keep me up at night. Doctor said it was GERD and is having me take Prilosec & metaclopramide, but a few times recently the belching has actually triggered vomiting. It might just be that I have a super-sensitive gag reflex, but it is awful and uncomfortable. Going in next Wednesday to see if the doc has further ideas.

  87. MuseKray +3

    So a new weird thing is happening to me. In the last year or so, I’ve been getting really depressed in the week before my period. Last month was especially bad in that I had to take long breaks from work in order to hide in my car and cry. A week later I recover and I’m like, “WTF was that all about?”
    I mean, I’m not in a place in my life where I want to be but I’m working on improving that. So when I do get depressed, it’s usually these issues that all of sudden seem hopeless. Right now, I don’t have any close friends to talk to, I can talk to my dad but I don’t want to stress him and I don’t have a therapist. Does anyone have advice on how to get over this once a month hump in hopelessness?

    1. perianwen +4

      Can you get yourself to your doctor & explain the symptoms? I’m not one, but it seems along the lines of PMDD, and they may have suggestions about vitamins or exercise or even a very low dose anti-anxiety med to get you through those few days? My ex has a very extreme form of this but she’s already on meds so I couldn’t say for certain what would help you reduce the symptoms.

      1. MuseKray +3

        I am due for an examination so I’ll bring it up. It’s just super embarrassing when I’m not depressed.

        1. Lily_Rowan +6

          For me, just knowing FOR SURE that it’s hormones helps. Even though I forget half the time. “Why do I feel like this for no good reason????? ….Oh, right.”

          1. SmrtCookie +2

            Yes. It sounds silly but add it to you calendar. Have your calendar/email send you a reminder on the first day (or every day) that says something like “If you feel depressed it’s because of your impending period. Everything is probably not as terrible as you think it is. Be kind to yourself. Remember you will feel better in x days.” Also talk to your doctor obvi. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about!

          2. tragicallyludicrous +2

            Yep. Ever since I realized that about a week before my period I get anxious/depressed, it’s become much easier for me to dismiss those moods. (I feel a little bad because of how “she’s on her period” is used to dismiss women’s emotions, but…it’s just for me and it IS helpful, so.)

        2. PoodlesInHats +1

          This is the exact reason I’m on hormonal BC. Not sure if its the solution you are looking for, but it’s helped tremendously with relieving my PMDD.

    2. paddlepickle +1

      Is it possible to get a therapist? Personally (hippie opinion alert), I find that PMS amplifies whatever’s already going on with me– if I’m a little happy I get WILDLY happy and if I’m a little depressed I get WILDLY depressed. I’ve started to see it as kind of a blessing because it forces me to acknowledge feelings I’ve been trying to avoid. So my only advice to be is treat the feelings as legitimate, and get whatever help has worked for you in the past– for me, that’s a therapist.

    3. EPWordsnatcher +2

      Had this sort of thing, went on hormonal BC, which helped, then it helped less, now I just take three packs of pills before I have my period–I still get a little OMGLIFEISTHEWORST, but it’s only like five times a year, so.

  88. Panicky Bisexual +3

    Dear Toasties: do you have any advice for dealing with anxiety about being Not Straignt In Public? Of the “everyone is going to FIND OUT” variety crossed with “everyone is LOOKING AT ME?”

    I was at the theatre last week with my mother, and we were watching a play about [famous gay lady]. I was fine until a sex scene started, which is when I suddenly realized: a) oh god I’m watching this with my MOTHER who I am NOT OUT TO (and don’t plan to be because there there be monsters) b) I’m also watching this with a theatre full of ELDERLY STRAIGHT COUPLES and c) EVERYBODY KNOWS. EVERYBODY LOOKING AT ME KNOWS RIGHT NOW. I’M SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW. EVERYBODY CAN SEE ME. EVERYBODY KNOWS.

    I thought I was- well not “above” this kind of panic because “above it” implies that it’s a silly worry when it can, in fact, be extremely dangerous to be Not Straight In Public. But I just hadn’t experienced much of it before because until a few months ago I was in university where I felt pretty safe being The Not-Straight Girl (mostly because, being on a university campus, I was far from the only Not-Straight Girl there.) But now that I’m living at home, which is a decidedly not LGBT friendly place (in the “we’re fine with gay people! but we wish they wouldn’t FLAUNT it GOSH” mold) I’m beset with panic that at some point someone will Catch On and then I will be in very, very deep trouble. I know this panic is mostly related to my parents (who have expressed thankfulness that I’m “straight” more than once and keep asking me why I want to write about gay stuff) but I’m pretty well stuck living with them for the moment, so I have to figure out how to deal. Any tips on, if not suppressing the panic altogether, keeping it concealed enough that nobody catches on?

    1. ejbaker13 +6

      This is terrible and horrible I’m so sorry. The only thing I can think of is that these sort of people tend to be kind of miraculously willfully ignorant, y’know? People see what they want to see. So I think your fears of being found out whilst watching a sexy movie scene are probably unfounded? Anyway I feel for you hard, here’s hoping you can get into a better situation soon. <3

    2. samburgers +19

      You need about 100 more queer friends than you currently have. ONE HUNDRED MORE DO YOU HEAR ME?

      “Not Straight” is called “queer”! It’s okay to say “queer”! It’s also okay to say bi, bisexual, homogay, gay, lesbian, lesbo, queermo, and any other affirming word that suits your identity, but “not-straight” is the word my wife used exclusively when she first came out because she couldn’t bring herself to say, you know, the words.

      You’re suffering from some internalized homophobia! Congratulations it is SUPER NORMAL! The cure is supportive friends.

      Come out to waaaaay more people than you’re currently out to. People stay closeted on the teevee because tv people make more money if they’re wildly conservative. In real life, very few people stay closeted except for the newly-out queers. Are you newly out? Practice being more out and don’t pay attention to the TV! I lived in one of the most rural, conservative, backwater parts of the country for several years, and just about everyone I knew was super out. It feels shitty to be closeted, and it gets worse the longer you do it–that’s not to say you have to come out to your parents, but you do need to come out to enough people in your current town to get the validation you need and feel secure in who you are.

      TL;DR the panic goes away once you have adequate validation from the people around you to feel comfortable with yourself.

    3. floridagal1 +5

      I have no idea. People always think I’m lesbian? I’m asexual. When people say things that indicate they’ve assumed I’m into the ladies I generally just freeze like a deer in the headlights and have no idea how to respond. I’m not lesbian, not straight, and not out! I have nothing useful to offer you 🙁

    4. RoseCamelia +7

      samburgers has excellent advice. Yes, you need many more queer friends.

      And ejbaker13 is correct. The people you are panicky about are miraculously willfully ignorant. I have a couple of gay relatives, men who have always been very obviously gay. They were never out to family, though, as my family is horribly fearful and bigoted. But those of us who are not bigots could easily see their queerness. It was never a question for us. But the assumption of straightness by the bigots was never a question for them. Everyone is straight, in their world.

      Fearful people have limited perceptive ability. Bigots will never know you’re queer until you tell them. Or until you kiss a woman long and passionately right in front of them. Even then they might prefer to deny it.

      And I am so sorry you have to live like this. This is awful. So awful. ::hugs::

    5. Mike_B +5

      They’re all thinking the same thing, but probably about their hair/teeth/skin thing instead of queerness. But maybe also their queerness. Everyone is just as paranoid as you, or else they’re not observant. We’re all invisible to adults mostly.

    6. RocktheDebit +6

      As a fellow traveler, I must echo the general advice: Mild to moderate homophobes generally have weak gaydar. Their bi-dar? Pretty much nonexistent. Talk to friends from college as often as possible, plot your escape, and find the few queers who live around you. Even if you’re not Christian I’d look for any churches with the little rainbow on the sign and take a look in the bulletin for a queer group–I remember in Knoxville in the ’90s a general LBGT teen group met at a UU church.

    7. grumblyqueer +3

      Oh god yes. I have the typical Crazy Religious Pastor Uncle with the requisite number of anti-abortion fridge magnets. I always huddled off with the people who are at least comfortable with talking about their child’s gay friends and how gay folks should have the right to be miserable and divorce like the rest of us. I avoided eye contact with deeply religious relatives. I hid in the bathroom every so often and reminded myself that it was temporary, we were going to head right back to my old home state with the huge GSA, and we could leave whenever we had to.

      Boundaries are good. Support systems are better. Removing yourself from toxic situations is best, if possible. Read Judith Butler, join your local pride group, vent on chat rooms, watch OINTB. Develop an interest that your straight associates don’t know that you have, and make it a thing just for you and your fellow LGBTQties. Do something, anything that gives you a connection to other queers and makes you feel more normal. I recommend trawling the depths of Autostraddle for something stereotypically dykey: kombucha-making, poetry recommendations, sewing your own strap-on harness, you name it, there are queers who have it on lock.

  89. perianwen +3

    I have been going gray for a zillion years and I’m not ready to embrace it at this stage of my life, so I continue to colour it. Do tinted conditioners work on gray roots to give a little bit more of a cushion between colouring sessions? I’m so tired of doing my roots every few weeks and would just like some method to dye my hair a little bit on a regular basis. I’ve heard mixed things about using sage rinses, I came across something recently that involved applying henna for a brief period and then rinsing, and now have learned about these tinted conditioners. Have any of you used them?

    1. dakimel +1

      I haven’t, but what I do is use the 28-shampoo (non-permanent) color. They have a ‘color refresh’ (well whatever brand I use does) that’s supposed to go on after 2 weeks to help extend the life. Basically doing that every 8 weeks (‘refreshing’ after 4) keeps the gray at bay, and every time it’s just the whole ‘pour all over your hair, wait 15 minutes, rinse’ process instead of dealing with root touch-ups (which I hate. So much work.)

    2. moxycrimefighter +3

      You could go balls-out and dye it lavender! Your grey roots would blend in nicely.

      When I was dyeing my blonde hair dark brown, I would use glazes when I was looking root-y but too lazy or not prepared to actually dye my roots – they did okay enough for my purposes. However, I’ve always heard that grey hair is harder to cover up because the actual nature of hair changes, not just the color (maybe? did I make that up?), so if that’s true, ymmv.

  90. ectocool +14

    Just want to let everyone know that Coyote Ugly will be added to Netflix streaming this month. You’re welcome 🙂

  91. neptunemars +1

    My boss left for the afternoon and I don’t have any work, but I must sit at my desk, so I’m just going to sit here and read An Untamed State. Then I’m heading to the Toast/Buzzfeed meet up (though I didn’t make it to the event last night eeeek so sad about that one). Starting off my weekend right!!

  92. HotDoom +15

    TOASTERS, I GOT MY EARS PIERCED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ON TUESDAY! IT WAS RATHER SCARY!
    Woo doggie, that shit hurt. I got it done at reputable piercing parlour, with a needle, and so far, so good. I just came to a point in my life that I decided I wanted big fucking diamond disco ball dangles on my ears, and my virgin lobes had to be compromised.

    1. EPWordsnatcher +5

      YAY! And good job for getting it done with a needle by a pro as opposed to some teenager with a piercing gun (hisssssss). Your ears will thank you.

    2. alittleimprobable +4

      Congrats on your big fucking diamond disco ball dangles! My mom waited until she was 40 to get her ears pierced for the first time and said it was the best because she had a whole new vista of accessories open up she had never played around with before! Plus it was great for me because she was super easy to shop for for about 10 years.

      1. HotDoom +3

        Yes! I was afraid of teenagers with guns and wonky piercings (my friend has to be shot in the ears twice on each side because said teenager said ‘sorry but your lobes are chubby.’).
        I have been told that I will now only receive earrings, ever. Cheers to new vistas!

  93. dreamstobecome +10

    Hi Toasties! I’m a longtime lurker, finally posting. I got dumped in June by a guy I’d been dating very seriously for almost two years. He said that he was too young to be in such a committed relationship, and felt trapped and unable to complete his dreams of (insert dreams here) because he loved me and wanted to be with me. So I told him to go do the things he wanted to do, and I would continue to be his friend and not hate him. It was tough but I was proud of myself for handling it with maturity and grace.

    A month and a half later, I started hanging out more frequently with a bloke whom I had been attracted to when we met a year before (during my previous relationship). We get on very well and we are very similar folks, so everything was great and fun and nice. Chemistry yes but no funny business. Then I kissed him. There’s been LOTS of kissing since then. Great kissing. Kissing is goooood. So then, a month has gone by and I have been WOOING this fellow with as much calm, serene confidence as I can muster (nothing insane) and expressed my desire to be there for him and get to know him more and like, y’know, BE with him. We’re busy, so we don’t get to see each other much in person. When we’re together, everything is amazing and I really adore him. When we’re apart, we text all the time, and yet I worry that he is really holding back. I’m aware of his specific baggages which would cause him to hold back. And he’s aware of mine (the last guy), which could cause me to be skittish. But I’m not being skittish, I’m being calm and low-key and positive and interested. And I’m still wondering if this is a thing, or could be a thing, or if I’m scaring him off, or….

    I think I just needed to vent. : *crawls into a hole*

    1. RoseCamelia +5

      Enjoy time with him. Press for time together. Then treasure it. Until the time together or the pleasure of being together tapers off. Relax. Enjoy. Happy for you.

    2. MilesofMountain +9

      I think, maybe, that maybe you need to ease back on the calm and low-key and positive and interested. I mean, if that’s how you naturally are then that’s fine, keep it up, but I kind of get the feeling that you’re consciously trying to be the best girlfriend you could be all the time and not to push and scare him off or seem skittish and scare him off. I get it, because I do that, too, but it’s not good for building relationships. I had a boyfriend remark once that I had changed considerably from the person he thought he had started dating, and that though he liked both of us it was a little startling to realize how very not-me I had been in the first month or two. So if you’re feeling skittish, maybe be skittish for a bit. And if you’re feeling impatient that he’s hanging back emotionally, you can show a little impatience while still respecting his right to his emotions. Like Rose Camelia says, relax and be you in the moment without worrying about the future of the relationship.

      Maybe it’ll turn out he’s holding back because he feels he’s not getting to know the real you and he can’t relax until he’s dealing with her, impatience and all. Or maybe it’ll turn out that he’s not interested in someone with all the quirks and emotions and depth that the real you (and all real people) have, but isn’t that better to know now than to have that happen 6 months from now when it spills out around the edges of the carefully-controlled persona you have going?

      1. dreamstobecome +4

        reeeeeally good points here. Thanks MilesofMountain. The reasons why he’s holding back are things I’m aware of and don’t have anything to do with me — we’ve discussed it to a point. But you’re absolutely right, I should be myself in the moment and be honest about what I’m feeling instead of trying to be perfect or unrealistic. Really good reminder. :\ Thanks. <3

  94. banjolene +21

    Failed utterly to live up to my cool-as-a-cucumber-classroom-management ideals this week, but there were a few pleasant highlights:

    Student: Ms. Banjolene, I have a question!
    Banjolene: Yes, [student’s name], what is your question?
    Student: You look very pretty today.

    A+++

    also a girl lost her FIRST TOOTH EVER in the middle of our music class (by ‘lost,’ I mean ‘yanked out instead of participating in choreographed movement,’ but who can blame her really)

    1. Momthra +18

      My most favorite ever teacher moment (kindergarten):

      Cathy: Teacher, why your hair is *like this* <downward sweeping gesture> today?
      Me: Well, Cathy I just have my hair down today, I didn’t put it up.
      Cathy: But teacher, why do you look a little bit ugly?
      ***long pause***wheels turning***holding eye contact trying keep a serious face and not laugh***wheels turning***
      Cathy: Oh, but teacher, still you look so pretty!

      Good save there, Cathy. Life lesson learned.

    2. Goomaly +10

      EXTRA CREDIT FOR COMPLEMENTS

      I used to bring my pet lizard to elementary school classes, and one time a kid asked “Is he afraid of anything?”

      “I don’t know, what do you think he has to be afraid of?”

      “Aliens.”

  95. gripyfish +5

    (for anyone who needs it, a quick tw for weight/body image talk before I get started–hope I’m doing this right)

    Toasties, what is the best way to resist wedding-related pressures to lose weight? My sister recently got engaged, and even though the event itself is more than a year away, because I like to panic/plan ahead, I’m already dreading both of the following scenarios:

    A: I am asked to be a bridesmaid, along with any number of my slim and sylphlike sister’s slim and sylphlike friends; we are made to wear dresses that look excellent on sylphs but not on anyone else
    B: I am not asked to be a bridesmaid, but am asked to participate in Family Photos; appear to be nothing more than a Dread Spectre of Fat lurking around the photogenic bride and her family

    It’s completely ridiculous, I know, but I can’t shake the fact that between now and November of next year, I need to live on salad. Help?

    1. RoseCamelia +27

      You are, at all times, perfect. We Toastfolk love love love you as-is. Do you accept that?

      A good tailor is your best friend in this scenario. Almost any dress can be modified. And where it lacks room for modification, it can be added onto. A bolero jacket is great for when spaghetti straps are just not right for you, for example. Take the silly, matchy dress to the best tailor you can find. Start talking to tailors now. Dressmakers are even better, but a rare breed.

      I find the best tailors in the biggest cities. I ask for recommendations from people who work in the financial district. People who wear good suits to work daily. Aim for the biggest city available to you.

      The best outcome is to get the bride to agree to let you choose a dress style for yourself. You appease her matchiness needs by using the same fabric as the rest of the matchy gang. But you take the fabric to a tailor or dressmaker and have something made that’s right for your body. And your body is fantastic as-is, btw. We love love love you, remember?

      Women of the world: please get over the idea that grown people can/should be made to dress alike.

      2. EPWordsnatcher +7

        This answer is perfect and flawless in every way.

        Also, start looking for good shoes NOW. You will be much happier if you have good shoes that don’t make you hurt. If the bride tries to make you wear matching shoes too, throw them at her.

        1. gripyfish +4

          Thankfully (well, not really, but you’ll see what I mean), my sister has had enough foot problems that I think comfortable shoes are going to be top-of-the list considerations for both herself and the wedding party/family. Or should be.

          Also I love shoe shopping with a passion, so I’m so happy to have an excuse to buy cutesy (but comfortable!) shoes.

      3. gripyfish +2

        This is the kind of lovely, practical advice I didn’t know I was looking for but needed, so thank you. <3

      4. parlato1973 +5

        unless you actually want to live on salad forever, don’t live on it for the next 8 months for anyone else or photos or anything.

        edited: i think i may have replied to a comment instead of the post, sorry!

    2. CleverManka +11

      I don’t know if there is any best way to resist any sort of pressures to lose weight. It’s so hard to shake that “but if I could only fit into those jeans” mentality even when you are a badass rockstar goddess WHICH YOU TOTALLY ARE, bb. You are a badass rockstar goddess who doesn’t owe anyone in this universe a smaller body or a prettier face or fluffier hair. You don’t even owe anyone else the perfect badass rockstar goddess that you already are right now. You are entirely worthy of respect and adoration simply because you are a glorious creature.

    3. dakimel +7

      I was in that wedding! In bloody spaghetti straps, though that’s really my fault. My slim sister picked a fabric & the sylphs & I picked dress styles. I totally regret trying so much to lose weight – I am me & once I was at the wedding & no longer focused on the sylphs but instead on people it was fun to be with and good times and all that, I didn’t care about being the red blob in the photos. Besides which, losing a dress size – or even 2 – wouldn’t have made me look any less of a blob in comparison, so why not just relax and be myself?

      For your option B, hey, who needs being a bridesmaid, anyway? Far more latitude for you to go pick some kickass superpower dress that has nothing to do with bridal harmony and everything to do with making you smile.

      1. gripyfish +1

        You’re so right; I think a lot of it is the fear that when I next see my family, someone (read: probably my dad) is inevitably going to mention how I ‘look’ and ‘have you thought about the gym; form good habits now so when the wedding comes…’

        But, you’re right; having fun is what it should be about–and probably will be. I’ll try to focus on that.

        1. L_Bear +5

          I don’t know if this will work on your family but my friend has the following response to her family who are inappropriate about bodies. She says, “Please. It’s so rare/nice that we can spend this kind of time together. Can we just enjoy Christmas dinner/the cinema/this photoshoot/this wedding?” She normally leans forward and pats a hand whilst doing it and makes sincere eyes. I think it has the effect of making the other person feel embarrassed for what they’ve said. It’s especially good in a food situation.

          Great advice about a tailor if you can afford one. I also think it’s fine to wear something extra to the ordained dress (like a cardigan or throw or something) if a tailor is out of your budget and another item would make an unwearable dress wearable, or hide bra straps or something like that. Also one of my other friends deliberately spilt something down the bridesmaids dress she had been made to wear and pulled something suitable out of the wardrobe whilst the bride was panicking and said, “I guess I could wear this.” It’s probably not something she would recommend but the bride was extremely pushy and wouldn’t take, “This dress is not suitable for me,” for an answer.

    4. lesliejroot +3

      One other tip, in case you are a bridesmaid and become involved in wedding planning: should you need to look at the internet to help your sister plan, do what you can to avoid standard Wedding Industry ™ websites like The Knot and only look at sites that are calmer and more friendly to all sizes. Even *with* a supportive family that recognizes that this is just a party and the pictures are just pictures and nobody has to alter their appearance to be wedding-appropriate, which it doesn’t sound like you necessarily have, wedding stuff on the internet can make you feel real bad real fast.

    5. lilsebastian01 +5

      Dude, I am so with you. My sister is quite skinny and I’m not, and she just got engaged. Fortunately they’re not doing attendants at all, so I don’t have this particular worry, but the feeling of being “the fat sister” is just tough, no matter how your relationship with your sister is otherwise. Can you talk to your sister about your concerns about dress style? It’s totally a thing to pick a color or even a fabric and have everyone pick out dresses that flatter them from a line up, so maybe that’s an option here?

      1. RoseCamelia +1

        Your sister is fantastic for opting out of attendants! It is an honor to be an invited wedding guest. No need for honorary roles in a parade.

  96. Desiree +28

    I posted anonymously about this a couple weeks ago and I wanted to give an update –
    I left my PhD program and took the job! You all said I should just go for it, and when I told my advisors and others I got a lot of pushback (‘why are you throwing away your academic potential’ etc) and almost changing my mind. But I talked myself into it again and signed the offer letter today and couldn’t be happier. I’m leaving science to work in science education and I’m thrilled to get started. So thank you!

  97. Echolocation +8

    I had my first week of school! It will be a hard semester (two clinicals, one for maternity and one for mental health) but I am super excited! I also have to take an ethics course which is thankfully partially online. In our first class, our professor asked us what our career goals were and when I said, “I want to go into abortion care,” there were a lot of murmurs but a lot of support. I know that’s what I want to do and I’m starting to look into NP programs for it (I didn’t really want to get my NP but you pretty much need to for abortion work). Anyone have any information they want to share?

    1. RoseCamelia +5

      Blessings be upon you! Is there anything you need? I want to help bring more abortion workers into the world.

  98. baby_crow +2

    I am late to the party, but can anyone recommend super comfortable wedges (as in, I can stand/walk in them for a whole work day) that are not absurdly expensive?

    1. kay_hay +2

      I’m a teacher and on my feet up to 12 hours a day. I heartily second the Tom’s. Depending on your tolerance, there are two wedge heights to choose from. I also decadently treated myself to a week’s worth of Naturalizers wedges that integrate some Adidias technology in the sole and manage to look non-orthopedic. $25-75 on the sale rack at the Naturalizer outlet (and in lavender snake-embossed suede with stacked wood heel, the $75 pair is worth every penny.)

      1. Nausikaa

        I tried to post a reply but I expect it didn’t go through because I included a link. So I’ll rewrite it without the link.

        I have terrible feet and my go-to sandal brand is Umberto Raffini. They’re ridiculously comfortable, have a lot of arch support and conform to your feet a little bit. They start out pretty expensive (for me at least) but the sandals are on sale right now at The Walking Company. I have the Pamelas.

    2. parlato1973 +2

      they’re not exactly high wedges, but clarks make some really comfy heeled sandals that i wear when i’m having a day of walking all over town, morning till night.

  99. ginkgotree

    Okay, this one stumped me at trivia this week: What is Miss Piggy's last name? Apparently, it's Lee! WHO KNEW?!

  100. ginkgotree

    Ooh, also, once I went to a trivia night where they passed around little baggies of herbs and spices and w had to identify them and it was awesome!

  101. katiemcguillicuddy

    Oh man, is that like the Bedrock that used to be in Baltimore for like, 5 minutes?? They had all sorts of games and it was suuuuper chill, with lots of live, local music.

  102. ginkgotree

    The thing is… if you actually had magic words you'd be a fool not to use them, right? And if "I'm sorry" makes you feel better, how is that meaningfully different than magic? Anyway, I'm glad you feel better – you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, always.

  103. Bittersweet

    I have a long commuter train ride, 2 hours a day…and some interesting (to me, at least) things to write about.

  104. hawthorn_tree +4

    I was going to go to a farmers’ market after work today but it’s cold and rainy so maybe I’ll skip it. Smitten Kitchen’s sesame chicken wings and netflix will have to do.

    Anyone have weekend plans they’re looking forward to?

    1. EPWordsnatcher +1

      Brunch at a new place tomorrow and making a test recipe cake tonight! I will try and find it a good home this weekend.

      How are those wings?

  105. thatgrrl13 +5

    My new hobby is stalking my ebook holds at my local library and trying to figure out which kinds of books people tend to finish and return in under the 21-day checkout period and which books people read so slowly that they renew them as many times as the library allows. I kinda wish that the hold info, in addition to telling me how many copies of the book the library has and how many people have holds ahead of mine, would post progress by current borrowers (not by name, just like “Copy 1: Reader is on page 2 of 1036 on Day 19 of checkout period”). Because I think I need to start reading authors who are liked by more efficient readers…

    1. gripyfish +2

      I wish something similar for physical books–not page numbers, of course, since you can’t track those, but more ‘average checkout time’ or something (‘this title checked out of the library for an average number of X days!’). Of course, it falls apart when you allow for the fact that few people probably turn in books immediately after they’ve finished and/or renew them even after finishing as they are lazy.

      Still, in a perfect world.

      1. thatgrrl13 +6

        Great things about library ebooks (usually NA to owned books): No weird splotches of food(???) on the pages; Autoreturn on due date; Can be turned in early without putting on pants and leaving the house; Can be retrieved without said pants-wearing/house-leaving even when the library is closed.
        Drawbacks: No amusing annotations by previous readers; No card in the back telling you when it was last checked out (I miss those SO MUCH!!!); No librarian who loves that author to recommend other books in the same vein (only applies when you go to the library early on a Thursday and don’t use self-checkout); No listing by call number (at least in my public library’s system) to enable subject browsing (as an aside, how great is the LC classification system? If I wrote poetry, I’d totally write it a bunch of odes, like “How do I love thee, HQ1101? Let me count the ways by subdivisions of feminism topics.”).

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

          I do really like the automatic return because keeping track of all our books plus the kids books is really hard and this way they can’t be overdue!

          The LC classification system is a wonderful thing and wandering through a library looking at the call numbers, or browsing a catalogue chasing down interesting sections is the BEST

  106. theowlofderision +7

    Several things have made me ragey today: I was almost knocked off my bike by an asshole driver who thinks signalling is optional; I accidentally clicked on the twitter feed of an anti-trans ‘feminist’; and despite loving clothes and the act of dressing, Fashion Week is boring and terrible and no-good.

    SO I CAME TO THE TOAST AND ALL WAS WELL.

    Also, for some reason I was trawling through my old Facebook posts, and man, I was HILARIOUS in 2012.

  107. Household_Opera +3

    I’m late to the open thread because this entire week, after the three-day weekend, has been a madhouse of activity. But now I’m at home with a glass of wine. My big weekend plans include shopping for a slow-cooker so I can start to make some of those recipes you guys linked last week. And I got to go out to the Toast/Buzzfeed event last night and it was SO GOOD!

    Also, I saw Love Is Strange, which is lovely and endearingly New York-y and features two fantastic performances by Alfred Molina and John Lithgow. Highly recommended, provided that you’re OK with crying in movie theaters.

  108. AliasGrace +5

    Thank you all for the wonderful anti-procrastination pep talk the other week. I successfully unshitted the shitmire (I think, I hope) and even if I didn’t, I handed in 200 pages of Things That Came Out Of My Brain yesterday, and consequently have spent the last 24 hours eating cake and drinking maybe slightly a bit too much wine and will probably do much the same tomorrow. 😀

  109. lauralizabethm +19

    Last week I met Sherilyn Fenn at FanExpo and she told me I was beautiful. I can die happy now:

    (Of course, she might just have been taking pity on me because I was blushing and stammering and looking at the floor like a doofus. BUT STILL.)

  110. quarky

    I just moved to Ottawa from Wisconsin! Any other Ottawa folks out there? What’s fun to do here? How do I meet new people so I don’t spend my nights watching Netflix and missing my grad school friends?

    1. aravisthequeen +1

      Ottawa, ON? I lived there for YEARS and I loved it and I miss it so much now that I live in rural SE Ontario. Where in the city are you?

      1. quarky

        Yep, Ontario! I’m in Centretown (near Bank and Somerset), which seems really great! It’s close to everything!

    2. loren_smith +1

      I lived in Ottawa for about three years! It can be a really fun city – all my old pals hang out at the Raw Sugar cafe on Somerset 🙂

    3. msmuses +2

      I live in Ottawa! You’ve chosen a really good time to move here – just as the humidity is ending but before the crushing coldness descends. TBH I watch a fair bit of Netflix and sometimes miss my grad school friends, but that is not for lack of lovely people and fun things to do here. There are some good restaurants and coffee/booze places, a ton of museums (the National Gallery of Canada is my favourite), the National Arts Centre, some independent movie theatres, etc etc. I am told the outdoorsy nature stuff is also good here, but I am an indoor cat so I wouldn’t be able to say first-hand.

      I’ve only lived in the city a couple of years myself, but if you’d like to get together, I would happily tell you all that I know!

    4. MoniqueAC +1

      I just got around to the open thread now (Tuesday — I was away for the weekend), but I live in Ottawa, too (near the Pretoria Bridge).

      What kind of things do you like to do? There are a lot of outdoor activities, as msmuses said — and very close to downtown, too, which is nice. The paths along the Canal and the Ottawa River are excellent for running, biking and such. If you have/can get a car, there is great hiking, trail running, snowshoeing and cross-country skiing (depending on season) in Gatineau Park. For all of the preceding, there are people who do it in organized groups (there is a list of some of them on Mountain Equipment Co-op’s site — http://www.mec.ca/AST/ContentPrimary/Community/Cl… — and for running in particular, the Running Room (Bank St in the Glebe) has quite a lot of organized runs/groups/etc).

      The Museum of Nature has monthly evening parties for adults on science-y themes (http://nature.ca/en/plan-your-visit/nature-nocturne). A co-worker of mine went to one of them and said it was quite fun.

      There aren’t any movie theatres running first-run films downtown (don’t get me started) until the new theatres open at Landsdowne Park (in the Glebe, Bank St and the Canal), but there are two rep theatres — the Bytowne on Rideau St (plays more indie/artsy films in general) and the Mayfair (also Bank St and Canal, opposite side of the Canal from Landsdowne) plays more popular/cultish films.

      There are a ridiculous amount of festivals. The Folk Festival is this weekend.

      But it all depends on the things you like most. (For example, there is also a new-ish lecture series on foreign policy topics…)

  111. rusalka

    This thread is amazing. I had two, Molly and Addy, but honestly, I liked having them (and reading the books over and over) more than I liked playing with them.

    But… did anyone else absolutely adore the paper dolls that came in the middle of American Girl magazine? Where it would be a real reader of the magazine who had (I guess) done genealogical research, and she'd come with outfits representing her and her female ancestors? I saved all those up in a special shoebox I decorated, and I also had an Anne of Green Gables and Diana paper doll set, and playing with them was pure perfection.

  112. systemed7 +4

    CHICAGO TOASTIE MEETUP (North Side and Evanston) COMING IN OCTOBER — and another one in November.

    Get in touch with me if you are interested!

  113. robotneedslove

    This is apropos of almost nothing but recently my mother drunkenly bemoaned today's very effective BC and blamed my IUD for having no grandchildren. My mom's a doc who specializes in natal care and as a result seems to believe that most children are accidental/unplanned and we should just kind of relax into it.

  114. robotneedslove

    As an aside, a grouchy older client recently asked me if I was a "miss or a ma'am" and said "I'm just trying to be politically correct" and I wanted to say "it's never going to be appropriate to call your lawyer miss" but in reality I'm like "call me whatever you want, as long as you listen to my advice and pay my rate of $many/hour".

  115. polka_stripes

    No! I'm sorry – I got really busy at work unexpectedly (there's a better version of excel there, heh) and now I'm visiting my parents for a long weekend….and newsflash to me, matching 175 takes much longer than matching 80, who knew! I am hoping to send them out in a couple weeks. Thanks for asking – it reminded me I want to post on the OT tomorrow to update everyone.