971 Comments

  1. aravisthequeen +57

    TOAST. This week my horrifyingly inept coworker is outdoing herself. She answered the phone and actually TOOK A MESSAGE from a telemarketer and then emailed it to my boss while he was in a meeting. I swear to you. “Allison from American Express called at 1-888-Telemarketer [or whatever], said she would like to discuss card options with you.” HOLY SHIT how can it be 2014 and you have to be instructed that a telemarketer message should not be passed to your boss????

    ADDITIONALLY, today the tech had to instruct her, again, on HOW TO RETRIEVE HER EMAIL. My boss took an entire day this week to teach her a very basic, very simple, very fundamental process to her job, which I covered on her second day of employment and SEVERAL times afterward. And gave her my written guide. And she fucking bladed me right in the back, telling my boss “Oh, I didn’t understand it when Aravis told me.” You dick, why didn’t you fucking say so? This is the same woman who wants to fax market.

    I am at the end of my rope with this woman, this job, my boss, this office (which is full of flies: did I mention it’s full of flies? They fall onto my desk to die), my coworkers, everything. Please share your job woes here so I can know I’m not alone. Brb guys tearing out my hair in frustration

    1. m98widow +10

      My current job is mostly fine aside from Captain Gum Chewer next to me, but in my previous position, all of my thoughts and ideas had to be restated by my male coworkers in order for my boss to consider them. And once he lectured me on not “taking initiative” with a certain issue that involved the job I do now… now that I have this job I know that I did exactly the right thing back then.

    2. EdgarAllanPoBoy +4

      I work in a small office (like, there are 2 of us) and my coworker who is wonderful and dedicated and knows everything is leaving soon. We have to hire a new person and then I will be the most senior (outside our Big Boss) and will do training and answer questions and I do not like this. Nothing has even happened yet, but I tend to anticipate and exaggerate future situations.
      And we might hire someone like aravisthequeen’s inept coworker! Craptastic.

    4. heartstillatwar +5

      You are a better person than me, because I would have set this woman on fire by now. She must be one hell of an interviewee to have gotten hired…

      1. aravisthequeen +4

        She’s not, even! She’s as bad at that as everything else! My boss only hired her because he worked at the same company as her in the 90s! WHY.

        2. RoseCamelia +14

          OMG. She’s been working since the 90s. I assumed, from your descriptions, that she must be very inexperienced. OMG.

          1. aravisthequeen +5

            LOL nope. She’s in her 50s or so and has been working since the early 90s. Unfortunately, her career trajectory seems to have been “worked with my boss a couple of years, was a failed real estate agent for several years, took an esthetician course and did that for three months, took a computer course, and now she’s here.”

        3. CaroWR +11

          Oh my god, my old boss hired one of her old friends who was the most amazingly incompetent person in the world. He could not type. He could not spell. He could not even spell his own name. He was our recruiter and everyone he hired who wasn’t a referral got fired during the probationary period, because the only reason they were hired at all was that the hiring manager would get fed up when this guy took over six months to bring in anything approaching a good candidate for a very basic job. He went to the gym for two hours in the middle of the day, after coming in at 10 and leaving at 4:00. I had to edit his phone interview notes because half the time the sentences didn’t even have a verb in them. Just…the dumbest person I’ve ever met in my life.

          2. blueblazes11 +2

            …And today that man is CEO of a Fortune 500. (Not actually.) (Or anyway, I don’t know.) (Just… that’s how it feels sometimes with inept co-workers.)

    6. threatqualitypress +8

      Hahaha, the state decided to update their database during the week that all of us have to process hundreds of renewals, and guess whose system has been down for three days now?

      IT IS ME.

    7. YoungLeafedJune +11

      My aunt is like your coworker (but worse) and I just don’t know what to do about her (I realize I can’t actually do anything about her…sort of). 50s, completely, hopelessly, inept with technology, kind of a wang. I just don’t know where she’s supposed to go in a modern economy. She can’t do anything physical and at this point I really don’t think she’ll ever be passingly ok at anything computer-related. She’s always telling me about how her boss didn’t train her and how so-and-so is an ass for telling her she did something wrong, and I know there’s a version of you working with her and being driven crazy by her. But what can she do?

      1. aravisthequeen +12

        I don’t even know what can be done for my coworker and your aunt. Like, I have my own job to do–my job is not to hold her hand and watch every little thing she does, and it’s cutting into the time I need to do my own job. But I think a lot of what would fix the problem is gumption–just the ability to look at something that’s not working and think “Hmm. What did I do last time? I’ll look this up first. Then I’ll Google it. Then if I still can’t work it, I’ll ask for help, and I’ll start by telling them what I’ve done.” But like…that entire thought process seems to be so foreign to her that I don’t even know where to begin.

        1. letsspendthelandlordsmoney +21

          She sounds like a classic case of learned helplessness, combined with a ‘pass-the-buck’ personality type. There’s no reason that any person, at any age, of average (or even below average) intelligence can’t learn the basics of office admin on a computer. She’s just choosing not to. While I don’t like the idea of seeing people as obsolete, it really makes me mad that this woman has a secure position due to connections, while young interns with a jillion tech abilities are expected to work for free (in some industries)

          1. aravisthequeen +8

            It chafes so hard on me, too. I know for an absolute fact that there are graduates at the local college who could do this kind of stuff in their sleep and exude an air of professionalism while they do it. It just makes me absolutely insane, and when I find a new job/leave I’m going to suggest looking at the local college rather than Kijiji for applicants.

          2. letsspendthelandlordsmoney +6

            Your boss sounds enraging too. In a normal work environment her incompetence would have her ass fired, but for some ridiculous reason (guilt? misplaced loyalty?) he’s keeping her in and passing the day-to-day buck of putting out her fires to you. Sadly I know from experience how frequently shitty bosses allow situations like that to happen. Major sympathies!

          4. OliviaPJones +5

            On the other hand, the people I have met with Learned Helplessness (including the professor who will be standing next to drawers labeled “envelopes” and “pens” and will still interrupt me talking to a student to ask me for both of those things after 1.5 years of working here, argh, are men, so go her?

        2. YoungLeafedJune +4

          That is the exact issue with my aunt. If she doesn’t immediately see how to do something, she just shuts down. She’s never learned the necessary tech habit of poking around different menu options and/or googling how to do things.

          1. letsspendthelandlordsmoney +7

            Ha! And people of her age cohort dare to accuse millenials of demanding ‘instant gratification’ and needing to have their hand held through everything?!? PROJECTION MUCH, LAZY BOOMERS?!?

    8. Ethylbenzene +21

      I work for a religious institution (in a secular role), but I’m an atheist, and everyone here is religious practically as a hobby. And it’s one of the religions known for being bigoted as shit. Oh and this isn’t remotely near my education or previous professional experience, but I couldn’t find anything else.

      Is it beer o’clock yet?

    9. MilesofMountain +16

      In conversation with my coworker yesterday he casually used the n-word, said he never met a woman who appreciated bluntness, and spent 20 minutes talking about racing bikes while I was trapped in a car with him (I don’t bike). He manages to be both incredibly distasteful and incredibly dull.

      1. CaityB +4

        OH GOD NO! Omygod Omygod Omygod. I’m so sorry. My boss last year (different boss now) who was a young, smart, urban woman, said once something about ‘that’s how Jews are’ or ‘so and so is that way because she’s a typical Jew’ and I stood there for a second in utter shock. Sometimes the least seemingly likely people say the most horrible things. I then said, that’s not okay, don’t say that. She laughed it off and bullied her way through it (she was a bully), saying, ‘oh yes they are like that’ or some BS. After she left my desk, I turned to look at my co-worker, and she had the most distraught look on her face.

        I can’t imagine the n work. Aww god. I’m so sorry.

    10. HotDoom +8

      Guh, I’m sorry. It sounds like an ouroboros of ridiculous.

      Yesterday, at my job, someone put books through the book drop that had apparently shared close quarters with some kind of oily, smoked fish, judging by the oil beads and saturation level of the pages. Guess who got to clean that up?! IT WAS MEEEEEE!

    11. Gen_Burnsthighs +23

      One of my coworkers consistently needs me to remind her whether she’s supposed to click right or click left. She also does not understand when you need to click once, and when you need to double click. She does not understand the difference between a screen saver and a desktop image. She had to write directions on how to send an attachment to an email, and still has to ask me how to do it. She is also one of those people who don’t believe digital files exist until they’ve been put on paper, e.g. printing out an email we all received and then making copies to hand out. The mind boggles. She is 62 and fucks up constantly despite being part time, and always ends up making more work for everyone else. We have an extremely conservative company culture (small local old money Southern bank) and they won’t fire her. We actually are hiring another part time person because she refuses to fill in on vacations and sick days even though those duties are in her contract. One time she worked almost a full 40 hour week and had to go to the hospital Friday morning because she thought she was having a heart attack. Spoiler alert: she wasn’t, she was just feeling the effects of having a full time job for the first time in her life. I found it very difficult to drum up sympathy.

    12. theowlofderision +3

      Ok, so, I work for A Famous Museum as a junior level curator. The Famous Museum is great, but my department is not. This is mostly due to an inept, socially-challenged, power-abusing senior colleague, and the unwillingness of people above her to address it.

      Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am lucky to have this job. Museums be competitive, yo. BUT nonetheless I am Les Miserables and desperate to get out. I’ve asked to transfer to a different department but it apparently can’t happen right now. I’ve also been applying elsewhere but nothing’s come good yet.

      Bearing in mind the fact that I have a PhD and previous relevant job experience, let’s look at some of the things I’m asked to do on a regular basis:

      – empty bins and clean the staff fridge (even though we have contract cleaners who work on site and do this regularly)
      – count the number and type of dead insects in our galleries and stores (this is actually a relevant task, sort of, because we need to know if pests are nibbling the objects, but somehow it always falls to me to go scrabbling in the dust and actually pick the things up).
      – answer the office doorbell and look after people who have turned up to an appointment with senior curator, because she’s forgotten them and gone out to lunch.
      – a document or .jpg is emailed to me with instructions to ‘save it to the departmental drive’ despite the fact that WRITING THAT EMAIL AND ADDING ATTACHMENTS takes longer than just saving the damn things yourself.
      – I mention that I’d like to give a public tour or talk on artist X or subject Y, and am told that I can’t because ‘that area of expertise is [senior curator’s]’

      Nobody goes into museums to get rich, and if you think it’s going to be 100% glamourous you’re probably in the wrong career path, but even so, I’m essentially a glorified admin person with a fancier job title. I know for a fact that I’m also underpaid, compared to people doing my job at museums of similar size/stature, by about 20%.

      I don’t mind doing the messy work! I don’t think that I’m somehow too good or too important for it, but it’s not supposed to comprise the vast majority of my workload. I’m supposed to be receiving mentorship and intellectual development, but it ain’t happening. I’m doing as much as I can in my own time – writing, submitting conference paper proposals etc. – and pushing as hard as I reasonably can for more chances to work on actual curating, but I’m at the end of my tether. /fin

  2. cosmia +21

    HEY GUYS SO GUESS WHO MIGHT’VE GOTTEN BED BUGS DESPITE THE FACT THAT I DON’T LIVE IN AN APARTMENT AND DO NOT TRAVEL

    DID YOU GUESS ME

    YOU ARE CORRECT

    (sobbing, hysterical laughter, etc)

      1. Ethylbenzene +34

        Highly recommended — a friend of mine wound up marrying hers, he was that good 😉

    4. sarahsaysssoo +8

      could it be fleas? my roommate’s doggy brought fleas into my house a couple years ago. The bites did look like bedbugs but they were actually easier to get rid of

      1. cosmia +2

        Do fleas frequently bite at night? I do play with my neighbours’ cat a lot and she sometimes hangs out in our house, so I did think it could potentially be fleas except for the whole “waking up with bites” thing (the cat has never been upstairs in my bedroom).

        I checked my mattress, sheets, bedframe for all the apparently telltale signs but didn’t see any blood spots, black specs, eggs, shell casings, etc. I did see a small black thing that could’ve been a dead bed bug behind my bed headboard but it also could have been a myriad of other bugs, including a dead carpet beetle, which I had a few years ago. I’m buying a mattress encasement today but I’m worried they’re in the bedframe, which would be even worse to deal with – I have a 30 year old, extremely heavy solid maple wood bedframe with drawers and shelves and no bed legs, it all just sits on the floor, so there are literally one million places bed bugs could potentially hide in it. I have really bad anxiety about bugs in general so this is not helping 🙁

        1. systemed7 +11

          Yes, this could be fleas. Flea treatment of your home is easy. (Well, not easy, but easier than bedbug treatment.) So try that first, and quickly.

        2. sarahsaysssoo +5

          yes, they do bite at night.

          Obviously you will need to wash what you can but I also had a lot of success with the bug smoke bomb things you can buy. According to the packaging three would have been enough for my apartment but I set off nine at one time instead and then stayed with a friend that night. I never got bit again, and the chemicals haven’t killed me yet

          1. spideress

            I had bed bugs a few years ago and I did basically the same thing. It was an apartment, so I also washed and dried the sheets (like, ran through the dryer on highest setting 2-3 times) and many of my clothes and then double bagged them in black trashbags and left them in the back of my car for 2 very hot summer days. I think that did it.
            Bedbugs suck (haha) and they make you feel insane and paranoid. It is the worst.

        3. permanentmarker +3

          Not sure where you are, but I’m in the southeast and it has been such a crazy gross flea year here that I’ve given up on being able to do anything except keeping them to a dull roar until winter comes (my dog is scratching like a maniac as I type). My kids and I are constantly waking up covered in new bites.

          Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to get rid of them. (There is a lice outbreak at my kids’ school and I am it hard to have any sympathy because try having fleas, people.)

          1. cosmia +2

            I’m in Toronto! I haven’t heard anything about flea outbreaks here. But I feel you on the lice thing – I got lice when I was about 19 (still have no idea how, but at the time it was winter and I was working at a place where a lot of coworkers had small children, so I have a feeling someone’s kid may have given it to them, who it turn gave it to me via a winter coat or hat in the closet next to mine – I am very unlucky with bugs).

            But honestly, all I did was wash my hair with the special shampoo, comb out the dead bugs, repeat a week later – all gone. Dealing with lice is a cakewalk.

          2. medievallaura +3

            If it’s not fleas get your place heat treated! It’s pretty expensive, although it’s more or less the same price as getting your place sprayed for bed bugs a couple of times. Anyway, I can confirm it works from past experience with bed bugs in Toronto.

        5. robot_dinosaur +2

          Yes, could definitely be fleas, they do bite at night *stares at own cat*. Try some flea treatments first, and if they don’t work call an exterminator. Also self medicate with whatever might help you.

        6. jackalopeia +5

          I think fleas are generally a lot more mobile than bedbugs that way–the cat may never have been in your bedroom, but since those things can jump like a foot at a time, they’ll have no problem finding their way to where the blood is. And yes, bites at night are normal! When we had a nasty flea season a few years ago, I was actually slathering myself in bug spray before getting in bed because waking up with new bites was pissing me off so much.

      2. ksek +2

        I had a bedbug scare that turned out to be fleas as well! I wasn’t getting bit, but I noticed the little bloody spots [SPOILER: THE BLOODY SPOTS ARE POOP] on my sheets and (mysteriously at the time) the porcelain surfaces in my bathroom, and freaked out. But then the next day my cat was sitting on my desk and I witnessed a flea jumping off her. One flea treatment of the cat, wash of the bed sheets, and sweep of the area rugs and all was well again.

    6. alicia +2

      I am still dealing with bedbug-related issues and feel your pain. Let us share a drink together in solidarity.

      Not a fix, but I have had luck in avoiding bites at night with the liberal use of dryer sheets all around my mattress and pillows. Like, 10 under the mattress and another 10 or 12 between the mattress pad and sheets, and a couple in each pillow case. The bugs may still be in my apartment but I haven’t been bitten since I adopted this strategy.

      1. CaityB

        That is awesome. How does that work? What do the dryer sheets do. And for how long are they effective?

    8. Bumbleleaf +1

      You need diatomaceous earth! You can buy it on the Internet! It is made of crushed up fossilized algae, which is amazing, and it is non-toxic/not a poison! I will sing its praises forever.

      Dust it around your baseboards, electrical outlets, crannies. If you do have bedbugs or any other bugs, when they walk across the stuff it will make tiny lacerations in their exoskeletons and they will DRY OUT and DIE and you can pick them right up off the floor, which is satisfying.

      I had bed bugs a few years back and this is what the very excellent “green” exterminator used, in addition to treating the mattress and carpets with wintergreen-oil-based cleaner stuff.

      The worst thing about bedbugs (for me) is that my partner person is somehow NOT ALLERGIC to the bites? Like, we were both being nibbled at overnight but only ONE OF US would get horrible bumps from it. So I did not realize it was an infestation and thought I had a mystery rash/idiomatic hives for a couple MONTHS. I even went to the doctor over it and they were like, try reducing your stress?

      Zealously battling the bugs became a personal mission which I am happy to talk to you about more, if you wish. But realize you do not have to throw away your stuff and there are less-poisonous treatments! YOU CAN DO IT.

      1. CaityB

        Yes to the diatomaceous earth! It is the best!

        However, don’t breathe it. It will do the same thing to our lungs that it does to bug exoskeletons. But don’t let that freak you out. Just don’t use it as a carpet powder and then vacuum it up or anything. Instead, lift up your carpet at the baseboards and put it all down in there. Open up your electrical outlets and put it in there, then put the face plates back on. Open up your bottom cabinets and move out your refrigerator and stove and put it all back there. Anything big ass and heavy, put it behind it. Any corners that are not frequented by foot traffic, put it in there.

        When it comes time to remove it, get it wet first so it doesn’t fly around. Mops and wet paper towels. You’re good to go.

        My (brilliant) roommate completely eliminated the roach problem in our NYC apartment via diatomaceous earth. Honestly. That made me a true believer. I was like “WTF is this white powder everywhere” until he explained it to me. And I was like “ohhhh right, this apartment is the only living space in the whole city of New York where I’ve never seen one cockroach YOU ARE BRILLIANT” If it can take on NYC roaches, t is great great great stuff.

        Putting it inside outlets is also a NYC thing. Because people think that’s how bedbugs travel between apartments, via electrical conduits. Eeeeeek!

  3. wallofillusion +12

    PITTSBURGH TOASTIES: we are trying to arrange a meetup.

    Suggestions so far have been the Carnegie Library After Hours ($45, October 17; price goes up to $55 after October 13!) and Isabella Rossellini’s Green Porno show ($25, November 21). Meeting at a place, eating some food, and drinking some drinks is also an option!

    How many of us are there? How much interest in a meetup is there? What questions are commonly asked in a post such as this? I am not an organizer by nature.

    (No, YOU typed this out beforehand and then spent the last five minutes refreshing the page so that you’d be pretty high up in the comments of the open thread!)

    1. Silent Llama +2

      I am a Pittsburgh Toastie, though a silent one! I would go to a meetup, though. I am not here on the 21st, however.

      1. wallofillusion +1

        We’re thinking of doing something with the RADical days–take a look at the conversation thread above! =D

    2. AmazingSandwich +2

      I would be driving four hours RT, so would be more likely to make it if there weren’t also an event fee. 🙂

      1. wallofillusion +2

        A very good point! Would “hang out at a bar or coffee shop” be sufficient, or should we look for a free cultural event?

        Come to think of it: the RADical days are upon us and seem to be continuing through early November, so that may be an option!

        1. tubatoothpaste +1

          Hang out at a bar/coffee shop is usually more my speed, but I NEVER have my shit together enough to actually go to RADical days stuff so this might finally be my impetus to do it!

          1. wallofillusion +1

            RADical Days looks like it might be a good option–see my response to meowmischen below because I think that will be a good place to organize!

        2. AmazingSandwich +1

          I’m definitely a bar and coffee-shops person, but RADical days sounds fun too. Zoo + aquarium sounds pretty fab–we could get something to eat after if people wanted to hang out for longer? Plus after squeeing over penguins, the ice might be be sufficiently broken such that no one feels awkward just chatting at that point.

    3. meowmischen +2

      You are on the ball! I am 100% in favor of doing a meetup that doesn’t involve spending money on tickets, but there should probably be some kind of event because I’m terrified of showing up and not having anything to say to each other. (Although I’m actually ok with not talking. We could not talk or talk forever, and still find things to not talk about.)

      1. wallofillusion +1

        Hmm… In that case, it looks like the RADical days might be a good way to achieve that!

        Here’s the site: http://www.radworkshere.org/pages/radical-days-20…

        It looks like we’d have to do something this coming weekish or wait for November 6 (which would be the zoo and aquarium which would be pretty fun)! But there are a ton of cool-looking options for Saturday, October 11 as well. Is next Saturday too soon for people? Does anyone have preferences if we did aim for next Saturday?

        1. piekin +1

          I am also a Pittsburgh Toastie and let me just warn you that I have worked many a RADical Day, and those things tend to be PACKED. Just a warning if you’re giant crowd/crying child adverse (I am!). I could be up for a bar/coffee shop thang, though.

          1. wallofillusion +1

            That’s a really good point–I tried to go to one (the Aviary?) with some people from church at one point last year but couldn’t find any parking to actually get inside.

          2. Silent Llama

            Yes, they are totally packed. I walk with a rather fetching bright blue crutch that we can use to beat people away with, though, if need be.

        2. twoburgers +1

          I hope this goes well and there is a second meetup planned, because I will be out of town that weekend. I weep.

        3. meowmischen +1

          The art and history museums are big enough that the crowds might be avoidable on Saturday. Or on Sunday the Mattress Factory is free! Sunday is better for me personally. If it doesn’t work out for this weekend I will plan to do After Hours at the library. 🙂

      2. twoburgers +1

        We could all sit in companionable silence as we contemplate our misandrist goals for the coming season.

    4. SilentTrystera +1

      Another lurker coming out of lurkdom because I live in Pittsburgh and would be interested!

      1. cbpublicart

        I am a new Pittsburgher and Toastie and would be into going to something low key at a bar or coffeeshop, or, maybe meeting up on the early end of the Unblurred Lawrenceville Gallery crawl next month. I’m out of town on the RADical days.

        1. wallofillusion +1

          This also sounds really fun, and also, I wish there were a way to handle this that was not these comment threads because it’s kind of scattered! I think I will make a Google document later.

          1. tessabarber +1

            late poster… but I would be into this. I’m away Nov. 7-11, but want to meet fellow Pgh toasties. I was thinking of going to the Isabella Rossellini event anyway, so if you’ll be there, let me know!

  4. ramina +35

    Everything is weird this week but two good things:

    a) For those of you curious from the Links Roundup yesterday, I did start writing a piece so something MAY see the light of day EVENTUALLY about Millionaire!

    b) My favorite remaining coworkers and I are going to get Jamaican food for lunch right now, and I am glad because otherwise I was going to probably eat McDonald’s alone in my car.

      1. ramina +3

        There is a beautiful amazing Jamaican restaurant down the highway from my office building. For $6, we get either curry or jerk chicken, beans and rice, cabbage, and plantains. And a can of soda. I am going to drift away in a food coma now. 😀

    3. CleverManka +8

      I did start writing a piece so something MAY see the light of day EVENTUALLY about Millionaire!

  5. turanga_leela +27

    This week we all got strep. Being sick while having to take care of two kids and still do my work (because I work from home) equals a pretty crappy week.

  6. aravisthequeen +61

    Also my husband and I moved into our new house and unpacked and set up and hung up our pictures and got rid of our boxes and everything and wow, I am incredibly exhausted this week.

    On the plus side, six burly dudes came by on Sunday to lift all our heavy things for us, and truly standing on my front porch watching seven hot burly dudes carry all of our heavy worldly goods was amazing. A+ would recommend again.

    2. Allpha7 +2

      Ughhhh. I moved this week and I am crazy exhausted as well. However, I am the worst and did not get hot burly dudes to carry my heavy things. I didn’t even get unattractive burly dudes to carry anything. I said the last time I moved, that I would hire movers. But I got a completely stupid idea about self sufficiency, and now my body hurts.

      I’m jealous of your great ideas. And jealous that you unpacked already. (And I’m so tired)

      But hey! Congratulations on the move!

    3. jenavira +8

      Burly dudes moving heavy worldly goods are MIRACULOUS. I have a massive dresser that I use for a liquor cabinet that three of my friends and I can barely lift, and they were just all “Where do you want it?” *hoist onto shoulders* *carry down stairs*

      1. aravisthequeen +5

        I know. AMAZING. I watched a dude carry a 70-pound weight IN EACH ONE OF HIS HANDS. And walk down the stairs like it was nothing. I can’t even budge a 70-pound weight off the ground.

    4. thisclimbingbean +1

      We’ve always moved our stuff ourselves but the last move was almost 500km and so not possible to make the hundreds of trips with car/ute which has been our go-to. So we paid for movers and I agree, it is money so, so well spent.

    5. IntensiveClare +1

      Congrats! We have moved as well and though I was exhausted for about a week, it is so nice to have hung up pictures that have been wrapped up for two years while we were renting. It’s really good to feel at home at last.

      As we only moved 5 minutes away and had weeks left on our rental contract, we did it ourselves with the help of friends with larger cars/muscles *groan*. I’ve determined this is the LAST time we move; if we ever have to again, I’ll be in my dotage and there will be burly men doing it. We did get professional cleaners in to do the rental house and carpets and I’ve never been so glad to give someone else money to do a thing I don’t want to do.

      Happy new homes y’all!

  7. blunderbusst +30

    Welcome to this week’s bunny thread!

    Little girl tried to climb her cage while I was giving her dinner last night:

    She eventually calmed down. I could watch her eat things all day. It’s is so…soothing:

    She is learning how to be a chihuahua, which includes racing around in her cage playing hide-and-seek with the actual chihuahua. My anxiety got the better of me last weekend and I sent the sister to the store with my credit card to get her a bigger habitat, hopefully one that was big enough that she wouldn’t knock it over and send it tumbling to her own gruesome death while playing puppy games. I think we may have gone overboard:

    And because that was not enough, we also acquired a pet playpen from some very nice CL people:

    None of this has tricked the big dog into not barking any time the bunny does, well, anything. Please, your tails (sorry, I haven’t had any coffee yet) of bunny-on-puppy love!

    4. lemonadefish +6

      We had a mini bunny and a scotty dog. When we let the bunny out to hop around, the dog would follow her around, expectantly waiting for little treats to fall out the end. Both disgusting and very convenient.

      1. blunderbusst +1

        Dogs are so gross! I have to pretend that stuff never happens or all our pets would have to live in the garage where I can’t see them.

    6. katiemcgillicuddy +2

      My girlfriend has a bunny, and he is all things adorable and good, and can I just say, it is soothing to watch him eat!

    7. ramina +2

      bun bun bun bun bun *flails*

      My ‘chilla loves his playpen, but the hard part is getting him into It without him climbing up his cage walls and jumping into the aether.

      1. blunderbusst +2

        Why do they do that? Do you know what heights are you, you tiny furry danger-to-yourself?

    8. Slugs +8

      I used to live with a giant bunny who would bounce towards dogs and cats with abandon whilst they backed away hilariously.

    9. spring chickens +1

      Your bunny is completely adorable!

      You do a great job putting down carefresh/animal bedding to keep the wire from hurting her paws. It must be a lot of work keeping her cage covered in carefresh/small animal bedding, though, to prevent paw damage. Are you considering putting mats down in most of the cage, and just keeping the carefresh stuff in the litter box? It would probably save a lot of time & money & be very healthy for her. You can buy mats in all kinds of rabbit-friendly edible/chewable/nontoxic materials now, woven grass (from Peter’s), seagrass, coconut (those are striped and very cute), or even untreated jute or an undyed cotton towel or tea towel is totally fine, and makes rabbits feel a lot more secure.

      I don’t know if your bunny is litterbox-trained or not, but most rabbits litterbox-train nicely if there is a clear distinction between litterbox area and the rest of their territory. Certainly for pee, and probably for poops, too. Just put her hay near the litterbox and encourage her. It would also make her cage a lot cozier and more interesting for her if you put mats down – more variety to sniff & nibble & dig at & rearrange. And it would give her something to gnaw to keep her teeth trim.

      Sorry for the unsolicited advice/potential assvice. I am just a pet owner too, with a sweet elderly bunny, who thinks yours is lovely too! (I wish I had a picture to post, but I am bad at that). Here’s a good link, by the way – the people who run this site are magic with rabbits. http://www.rabbitnetwork.org/articles/basics.shtm…

      1. blunderbusst +1

        Thanks for the link! The horizontal platforms of the habitat are plastic, not wire, so her paws are a-ok. We are experimenting with some different ways to keep the bedding IN the habitat, though, as right now it gets all over the floor. Thanks for the tips on mats, in case our homegrown solutions don’t work out!

  8. meetapossum +37

    I had a job interview on Tuesday and I’m supposed to find out today if I got it. I haven’t heard yet AND I AM GOING CRAZY. Speaking of which, last night I learned the Law & Order name for Four Loko is “Five Crazy.”

    Anyway, my friend from Colorado is coming on Wednesday, and I’m excited for that, but I’m also excited for the premiere of American Horror Story! Anyone else??

    2. catoclock +6

      So pumped for American Horror Story! Here’s hoping they let Evan Peters do… anything this season.

      1. meetapossum +6

        Oh, instead of disappearing for 3 episodes? “Where’s FrankenKyle?” “Ehhh I’m sure he’s fine. We have other things to worry about.”

  9. anninyn +21

    FRIDAY CAT THREAD

    A little story for you. Last night Bonny started chasing around after something, batting something down stairs, picking something up in her mouth and carrying it around. We thought she’d maybe caught a moth or spider, as this is something they do.

    No. She was losing a fight with an eyeshadow applicator. I took it off her.


    In this picture she avoids looking vacant, but she was just trying to work out what the camera noise was.


    Someone suggested to Anne that not all food in the world was for her. (look at her stumpy legs! Look at her tail! Look at her tubby little belly!)

    1. MilesofMountain +30

      This week I was in the home office and kept hearing quiet scrabbly noises I couldn’t place. Finally, I realized they were coming from the filing cabinet, where I noticed this:

      Moxie had climbed into the cabinet behind the files then somehow pulled them back to cover the exit. True to his nature, instead of, I don’t know, pushing them, or meowing, he decided to bite them until they let him go.

    3. chnellociraptor +18

      Per instructions, I am participating in this week’s Cat Thread to brag about my new kitten Rufio!

      Backstory: my couple-friends adopted him, knowing that one of them had a cat allergy, but had so far proved resistant to this particular kitty. That was short-lived after they brought him home, and they had to call it quits after six weeks. I offered to take him (to prevent him going to the Humane Society) so long as my roommate’s cat, Wolfgang, was cool.

      They brought Rufio over for a “playdate” on Sunday, along with all his stuff so he could stay if the meeting went well. Rufio was not terribly impressed with Wolfgang — lots of hissing and growling — but Wolfgang was completely ambivalent. We let Rufio pad around the apartment for an hour, to sniff things out, and he seemed chill enough to stay. He was still a little startled by Wolfgang’s relative size, we think, but thy were both pretty curious about each other, not being too used to other cats. Here’s the first meeting:

      Image and video hosting by TinyPic

      Within 48 hours, they were play-wrestling and grooming each other and snuggling up for naps and it’s the BEST. Lil’ Rufio has tons of energy, and he’s very vocal with the meowing and the crazy loud purring. I think he’s mellowed Wolfgang out a lot; he used to have these random spurts of energy and anxiety, and now he’s very laid-back and makes hardly any noise. Now my only worry is how we’ll separate them when my roommate and I part ways.

      1. chnellociraptor +1

        Augh, yikes, I have no idea how to rotate this. Sorry y’all! Enjoy your neck-craning I suppose?

      3. MilesofMountain +3

        I’m so glad your kitties are getting along! We’re thinking of adding a second cat to our household and I’m slightly terrified they won’t get along but Rufio and Wolfgang sound (and look) adorable together!

        1. revengeofpompom +3

          We added a kitten to our household last year and my 14-year old cat was decidedly not a fan. After much effort, we finally got Feliway, this pheromone thing that you plug into an outlet. HOLY CRAP it worked so well. I mean, really just a huge difference in Older Cat’s happiness and stress. It really helped us get through those first few months, when Older Cat was scheming so hard to kill us/kill the new cat/ will the new cat away with the sheer force of her death-glares.

          2. spideress

            I just got a 2nd cat and Cat #1 hates him with all the power of her fuzzy self. I tried the Feliway plug in and it seemed to help them reach a detente, but then I never got a second one and things have regressed. I’m glad yours worked. I might try the collar because cat #1 is also super anxious about everything and maybe actually just needs some xanax.

    5. aravisthequeen +8

      Oh my god, my cats this week. They were petrified of their new home for like two days and refused to budge from under the couch. Now they have discovered how awesome it is to have way more space, and their nightly relay races now span two floors and the entire house. How can two nine-pound creatures be SO FUCKING LOUD? Like they have hooves strapped to their fuzzy little paws or something, I swear.

      1. MilesofMountain +11

        Yes! I remember a poem on the wall of my elementary school class room that started off something like “The fog rolls in on little cat feet” and they definitely weren’t thinking of my cat unless the fog came in going “THUNK THUNK THUNKTHUNKTHUNKTHUNK”

        1. aravisthequeen +11

          OH YES. Carl Sandburg, “Fog.”

          “The fog comes
          on little cat feet.

          It sits looking
          over harbor and city
          on silent haunches
          and then moves on.”

          Whatever, Carl. My cats can’t go anywhere silently–it’s THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP “Meeeyow? Meeee? Meeeyoowww? YOOWWWWLLLL YOOWWWWWWLLLLLLL MREEEWWAAAWWWWW” thump thump thump [hiss] [fervent digging noises] “Mee? YOWWWWLLLLL” [hiss] THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP” and then the noises retreat somewhere else in the house, only to return, lather, rinse, repeat 18 times daily.

          1. MilesofMountain +6

            Add in some [sounds of random things being knocked off the table] and [bodychecking the wall for unknown reasons] and that is pretty much exactly how my morning went.

          3. BourneApprox +3

            We find discarded cat claws on our carpet sometimes, from when they bank too hard around corners.

      2. m98widow +7

        Mine sounds like a horse and adds quizzical “Brrp?” sounds to every other step. Usually at 4:30 AM.

    6. evieskye +21

      I’m home (therefore near photo albums) so have a picture of Kismet when she was 2 months old (now she’s 8 years old and 15 pounds)

    7. Frenz_lo +3

      My baby foster kitten is moving on down the line after three weeks, the first two of which he was a hamster sized bottle baby. Now that he’s a mini-cat who has learned how to eat on his own and use the litter box, a friend is going to take over his fostering until he’s adoptable.
      I will be so glad. He is very cute, but I feel like I am failing him in everything but his very basic needs, because every time i go to hang out with him, my human baby needs attention, so this kitten is getti g insufficient cuddles.

    8. LacaunaKale +4

      Mine went nuts over an empty pill organizer yesterday. You have toys, cat. Try playing with those

    9. twoburgers +8

      While I was reclining on the bed last night waiting for dinner to be done, Lana wedged her way into the crook of my arm and immediately started purring like a monster truck. She is such a little cuddlebug and I love her so much.

  10. anninyn +39

    I just finished Bad Feminist and it is so good, please someone make me NOT sneak up to strangers and push a copy in their hands

        1. perianwen +2

          Hm. You have a point. HOWEVER, if I win the lottery, then watch out for me distributin’ books to passersby.

    2. EdgarAllanPoBoy +6

      I was not-subtly reading Bad Feminist over the shoulder of a fellow train passenger. It was the chapter “Surviving Django.” I have always had little love for Tarantino. I will definitely pick up my copy soon!

    3. paperbgprincess +3

      I don’t think I can help you, I’ve already bought 3 copies and given 2 away.

    4. BourneApprox +3

      You can’t put one in my hands! Cuz I’ve already got a copy in my hands which I am reading right now!!

      Oh, okay, I’ll take a second one.

    5. robotneedslove +7

      I was just reading it this morning while doing my hair, and I read the account of her rape, and it put me in a horrible mood about men and humanity, and I spend the whole commute to work talking to my boyfriend about how we probably know rapists because they get to just live their lives and plus men are awful he was like :(.

      YAY ROXANE GAY THOUGH. SHE’S AMAZING. Despite the sad start to my day, I’m glad to have read that and glad to have talked to my boyfriend about that stuff today.

      1. elsamac +2

        Me too, just this afternoon! I’ve been waiting for weeeeeks. Happily, the waiting list got so long, they bought more copies!

  11. liminalist +219

    One of the best things I’ve done:

    When I was around 25 I was jogging my strong, chubby body down the sidewalk of a residential street. A woman probably twice my age slowed her car and laughshouted, “you finally trying to get skinny?” I was speechless and ran home fueled by shame.

    After a few days of debating whether I was awful or she was, I decided she was.

    Every day I jogged through the same neighborhood. Within a week I spotted her car and chased it, running as fast as I could—which, it turns out was pretty fast. She pulled into a driveway, got out, and stared at me, trying to recall how she knew me: grocery store? one of the kids’ friends? a neighbor?

    I recounted what she’d done.

    “it was just a joke, I thought you were someone else.”

    “if I was someone else, then that person would have had to hear your ugly thoughts. If it was your friend or something, that’s even worse! Please just keep your shitty ideas about other peoples’ bodies to yourself.”

    And then I ran off like a superhero.

    Tell me about all the best things you’ve done!

    1. 1sic1 +78

      I stared down a double-decker bus last week. It kept inching forward when the light was GREEN for pedestrians, so I turned to face it, looked up, narrowed my eyes and slowly shook my head, like “I am very disappointed in you, bus driver”. I won, and led a rejoicing crowd to the other side of the street.

      2. thecaitd +36

        Staring down aggressive motorists/distracted bicyclists/clueless bystanders blocking the sidewalk has become an instinct for me. It is so satisfying to openly but non-aggressively stare as if to say “I acknowledge what you are doing, and we both know it is rude and wrong. GOOD DAY.”

        1. msjinxie +22

          I feel like it’s also a good safety thing to do this – if a driver’s edging into the crosswalk, I’m not convinced they’re paying attention to the pedestrians trying to cross. If I stare them down then I KNOW they see me and, hopefully, won’t accidentally run me over.

          1. Steph +4

            Yep. I will stare down anyone and everyone if I’m trying to cross the street, because there’s a good chance I’ll get run over if I don’t.

      3. Faintly_Macabre +16

        I did something similar recently! A casino shuttle was turning right on a green light. I paused as I stepped into the crosswalk, then it paused and I remembered that I had right of way, so I started walking. The driver had the nerve to honk at me! So I looked up, made eye contact with him, and pointed at the green light. A guy walking behind me started laughing.

        As a non-driver in a busy city with a lot of obnoxious drivers, I make a lot of WTF hand gestures at people. Mostly drivers who block the box and the crosswalk, forcing me to walk into traffic to cross the street while also blocking traffic.

        1. aqueousmedium +8

          Good for you! So many people here are oblivious to the presence of pedestrians AND to the fact that we have right of way on a green light. It’s super infuriating to see a driver checking for cars while about to turn when there’s a pedestrian RIGHT THERE WHERE ARE YOUR EYES GAH.

          2. aqueousmedium +1

            Ooh yes – I’m not sure who I hate more, the ones who don’t even register your presence or the ones who choose not too. Burn em all!

          3. OliviaPJones +5

            I would like to have the superpower of giving tiny justice. Like if you zoom in front of a pedestrian your tire goes flat 10 minutes later.

    3. CleverManka +21

      Oh my god you’re an actual rockstar badass. The best things I’ve done are mostly just sarcastic comments on the internet and that’s not just not in your ballpark, it’s not even the same sport.

    5. Spinozagal +14

      This past weekend I finally took up my bf’s offer to teach me how to change a tire. It’s a baby bird step for women kind but for a nerdy girl that works in a lab, I felt like Xena.
      Btw you’re my hero for the day. Keep up the good work 🙂

    6. heartstillatwar +7

      bravo.gif! You are amazing! I hope that woman was so embarrassed that it sometimes haunts her as she tries to fall asleep at night.

    7. clarizard +3

      That is fantastic- thank you for speaking the words that I have thought except with way more curse words when I get reactions while exercising

    8. hugpunch +43

      You are a rockstar. That is so amazing!

      One of the best things I’ve done was somehow catch a toddler’s head with one hand after he slipped near a pool where I was lifeguarding. No watermelon-hitting-the-ground smack, and no crying, bleeding babies.

      1. allanaaa +30

        THAT is amazing.

        I did something similar once while drunk, but it involves a (more drunk) 18 year old, a bonfire, and a big log sitting in the path of where he seemed intent on running at full speed. I just grabbed the back of his t-shirt and he flailed around in a radius for a while before sitting very gently on the ground.

        1. hugpunch +9

          Perfect. That reminds me of a not-so-amazing thing I’ve done drunk near a bonfire, and that was watching everyone else juggle hot coals in their mouths and trying it. Protip: do not do this.

    9. PonyAlong +9

      That.was.awesome. As for best things, I did mail my first Toastie postcards this week so I’m pretty stoked over that…oh, and I cleaned the bathtub which led to happy, satisfied feelings. Yay me!

    10. AmazingSandwich +50

      Maybe not the best of all the things, but in the same vein of confrontation…in grade school there was a bratty boy a grade or two down from me. The kindergarten class (it was a religious K-8 school) kept a different lunch schedule and every day ended recess early, walking in a line in front of a wall of the school building to re-enter their classroom. Girls from the older classes (yay patriarchy) were assigned recess monitors to the kindergarten kids and watched them during recess and led them inside. One day, after the monitors were inside but the tail end of the line was still out the door, bratty boy took it upon himself to start kicking a ball AT THE WALL the kindergarteners were lined up in front of, like they were mobile bowling pins or something.

      I walked over, picked him up (literally) by the back of his collar, and shook him. Word is I also growled, “Never again,” into his ear but I don’t really remember doing that.

        1. liminalist +3

          ah!! I had this exact gif on my desktop and no technical skills to post. i silently hoped someone would take up the call and you did in record time. you are today’s truest hero.

      3. OliviaPJones +37

        My First Misandrist Act, Aged 5:
        Beating up the boy who kept pulling girls pants down and making them cry.

        I got in SO much trouble.

        2. theowlofderision +3

          When I was 7, a new kid started in my class. New kid decided that I would be his victim for the entire year – kicking me, pushing me, yanking my hair. I had virtually no friends at school anyway, so I was on my own here. I was also a very, very shy and nervous kid, terrified of getting into trouble.

          But one day, I snapped. I kicked this kid, HARD, in the balls. Then I kicked the shit out of his shins while he tried to retreat, howling, to the nearest teacher. I did not get in trouble, and he never bothered me again.

    12. themegnapkin +49

      This is minor, but . . . one of the Toasties posted a few weeks ago in OT about not ceding sidewalk space to white dudes in suits, and forcing a collision if necessary to defend your territory. I’ve been doing that ever since (only to white dudes in suits, or obvious bros), and I’ve been spoiling for a righteous collision! But so far everyone has been polite and has veered around me, and I’m kind of disappointed.

      1. gentlehangovers +43

        Yes yes yes! I’ve been doing this too, even since the post on that OT. It’s glorious, and I’ve definitely gotten some baffled looks from dudes who just cannot believe they have to move out of my way. It has truly changed my life for the better. I should add that “white dude in suit” is more of a state of mind in my city rather than an accurate description of a guy’s appearance so I try to crash into them all.

      2. silverandsnow +14

        I did this last weekend in an airport! I had to veer towards centre to avoid an oncoming flight attendent. Two dudes were oncoming at left and centre and centre dude stepped even further out in my path. I did not alter course, we collided shoulders and I kept going. Didn’t stop, didn’t apologize, didn’t look back, and it felt great! I was grinning all the way to my gate 😀

      3. thecaitd +15

        This was actually my New Year’s resolution one year in college, and I’ve carried it with me ever since. Forcing finance bros off the path on my way to class was so, so satisfying.

      4. sloth_n +9

        I…never thought I’d be one to discourage anyone from having fun messing with dudes (and hopefully this will be the first and last time for me) but please be considerate of other people on the street!! It’s an idea that came out of radfem tumblr, and has made it’s way around the internets (apparently all the way to a toast open thread) and I’m not sure what it’s supposed to achieve but I’ve had some friends start doing it and it usually just results in them knocking into other innocent strangers, pushing guys into other people or bumping into me.

        The reason people move out of people’s ways in public areas is because it’s polite and makes naviagting cities easier, the fact that some men have been socialized to not use their manners isn’t a reason to join in and be rude with them. I get that it can be frustrating to feel like you are the only one obeying social niceties or that you always have to accommodate people who wont accommodate you but if you’re going to start intentionally bumping into randoms strangers please be careful of other people around you.

        And maybe think about what you’re hoping to gain from this, because I guarantee they aren’t going to realize you have singled them out and it wont change their behaviour, it will just make navigating the streets harder for everyone else.

        1. FreeRangeMenses +16

          I don’t think anyone is actually veering out of their way to run into people, but rather they’re simply refusing to step out of their line of progress to accommodate people who are basically shoulder charging them. I sometimes give a little “head’s up!” and then stop.

          1. themegnapkin +14

            Yeah, for me the situation is usually, three white dudes in suits are walking abreast directly towards me on a sidewalk that is only wide enough for three people walking abreast. I’m not going to step onto the street or make myself small to accommodate their desire to walk abreast.

          2. sloth_n +4

            Unfortunately I personally know people (including a few toast reading people) who are actually moving into random men’s paths in order to bump into them on person. Other people (including other women) have gotten knocked into when this happened as well. I’m all about not accommodating people who are being rude and walking into your space, but sadly not everyone is polite as you about it and I wanted to add a little note so that anyone reading this remembers that its possible to not let everyone walk over you while still being polite to strangers on the street who may be nearby while you’re doing this.

        2. sloth_n +5

          Just want to add a clarification now that I’ve read everyone’s responses! As I mentioned below, 100% of my familiarity with this phenomenon comes from a few people who are doing this in a way that is very disrespectful of anyone walking near them on the street, by actively maneuvering into the paths of men to walk into them, while ignoring the effect it may have on anyone (male or female) standing nearby.

          I wrote my comment because I was concerned that lots of people were hearing about this from people like that, and would start doing it in a way that is harmful to pedestrians. It’s so nice to see that none of the toasties here are doing that, and that this idea has clearly just been distorted by a small number of people I know. If you feel you aren’t going out of your way to be rude, then keep on keeping on!

    13. robotneedslove +8

      WOW YOU ARE AMAZING.

      Once I was walking home during high school, probably reading Dan Savage because I liked to read and walk then (still do) and some guys yelled “GET JOGGING FATTY” at me and I went home and tried to become bulimic, but was very fortunately foiled by both my lack of extreme caring and my lack of gag reflex. So I’m sympathetic. I didn’t do anything cool about it though.

      1. liminalist +9

        yeah, i think there was a reason it happened when i was 25. i would never have dared in high school

        and fuck those guys.

    14. paisleyLo +59

      That’s super BA and I got a little joyful lift of my heart just reading that. Kudos to you, liminalist!

      The greatest thing I’ve ever done was when I was in an all-male (‘cept for me, naturally) improv comedy group, and one of the guys grabbed my ass as a joke. When he sidled up next to me, his smug man face all proud of himself for copping a cheap feel, I PUNCHED HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE. Enough to provide a nosebleed in fact. To his (nominal) credit, he did look at me and say, “I deserved that.”

      That was the first and only time I’ve ever resorted to violence. It felt…kind of intoxicatingly good.

    16. MmeSiniichulok +23

      Last week, I called Motherisk (hotline for a limited list of pregnancy- and breastfeeding-related questions in Canada) to report a Motherisk counselor I had interacted with while pregnant, almost two years ago. I had called with one question, not related to my weight, and the dude asked me my pre-pregnancy weight–which was higher than it used to be thanks to not-yet-diagnosed hypothyroidism, but still considered fine by my doctors, so WTF–and berated me for being “too heavy! You too large! You should not be pregnant! Not good!” He asked how tall I am and then said the same thing, and then said, “oh, wait, did you say [lighter weight, that I hadn’t said]? Oh, OK, that’s fine.” I didn’t correct him because I wanted to end the conversation and was trying not to feel worse. I realized that I still felt bad about it now, and that it had prevented me from calling the hotline a few times, so I called them and made a formal report. They apologized profusely, said it was absolutely unacceptable and inappropriate that he had done that, and thanked me because apparently he has a history of doing things like that, and it helps because they’re “in the process of taking care of it,” by which I hope they mean firing his sorry ass, but they did sound proactive and serious, whatever they will do. They apologized A LOT, and agreed with me that it was a harmful message to say to anyone, especially given the the damage they could do to eating-disordered pregnant callers. (As it is, I’m just severely body dysmorphic, but it could be so much worse.)

      1. Bunburying +3

        Arghhhh that sucks so much and I’m sorry you had to deal with that when you were trying to get helpful advice. From the sound of it they are building a File of Nope on this guy and your report will help them with that!

    17. AliasGrace +8

      Some revolting man was peeing in the park while I was running this morning (despite the free, clean public toilets a mere 5 minute walk away). I stopped and had a pretend coughing fit while glaring at him. It was fun.

    18. OncoMouse +31

      That’s amazing. You’re a badass.

      Recently I was walking to brunch in the downtown area early on a Saturday. Apparently there’s an abortion clinic there. I noticed it first because of course the protesters. One of them came up to me as I was walking past, wearing headphones, and tried to engage with me. I had the briefest moment where I wanted to start screaming. Instead I held up one “please shut up” finger and turned to the escort standing nearby to thank him for what he was doing. It wasn’t that badass, but it made me feel better and it wasn’t yelling in anyone’s face.

    19. revengeofpompom +37

      here’s one of the best things I’ve done this week: So, I have this aunt who is a narcissist. Not in a colloquial sense, but in a straight-up clinical sense (by my perception, though she has never sought mental health treatment so has never received a diagnosis). About a month ago, she dramatically, angrily, cursingly, yellingly told me she was now refusing to come to my wedding because she and her husband were not being honored enough at the event. Yes, seriously. I handled that conversation really, really well, I have to say (all props to my therapist) but it threw the rest of the family in a tizzy. The MO of my family has always been to just kowtow to my aunt and put up with her abusiveness out of a sense of family duty and a sense that that’s just the “nice ” way to handle it. So anyway, this week my mom was all “I’m talking to Aunt tomorrow to try to smooth thing over. If she asks me if I think she should apologize to you, should i say yes?” And so finally for one of the first times in my life, I felt like the kid in the story of the Emperor who has no clothes vis-a-vis all of this, and told me mom “you know, I do think she owes me an apology but honestly I am not in a place to be receptive to it right now. And to be honest, I cannot imagine her sincerely reflecting on her actions and feeling remorse about the them because my observation an experiences with her have been that she cannot conceive of anything she does as wrong.” and then I said some more stuff about how transparently manipulative my aunt is in so much of her behavior. And it felt good! It felt like I was finally standing up to say NO to our family’s collective fiction that my aunt’s behavior is totally normal and appropriate. Speaking truth to power!! Woohoo!

      1. OliviaPJones +5

        Woo hoo! Way to stand up for yourself! I hope you have the best, least stressful wedding ever!

        1. revengeofpompom +5

          Thanks! It felt great! And yes, the wedding was absolutely wonderful and made even better by her not being there 😀

          1. elsamac +13

            YAY! And yeeeeah, 98% of “I am not attending your wedding because [ludicrous reason]” ultimatums are properly received with “PHEW THAT IS GREAT NEWS PLEASE DO NOT ATTEND IN FACT YOU MAY NOT.

    20. elsamac +40

      You. Are. AWESOME.

      I’m sure I’ve told this story here before, but:

      It was either while my father was in home hospice care (so I spent months of nights at my parents’ house, staying up with him, then commuting to tackle a new semester of classes on very little sleep, and trying to squeeze in the occasional date with the man who would become my husband) or it was shortly after Dad died. I spent most of that autumn and winter in a haze, so I’m honestly not sure, though the weather I remember suggests it was the former.

      I was walking down the street when a man passing the other way instructed me to “Smile.”

      It’s happened to most of us countless times. This time, I just snapped.

      I wheeled toward him and, in the most resonant voice at my command and leaning my entire upper body in as close as I could get without touching him and in great detail and with vigorous gestures I recounted the many, many reasons I had not to smile. I further pointed out, still in those rich and ringing tones, that he should consider that the women he so blithely commands to “smile!” are not mere ornaments to his commute or decorative background players; we are ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS with lives and joys and sorrows he knows sweet-fuck-all about and that he never knows what kind of tragedy or terror or thrill any stranger might be feeling at any given moment, that even the calmest-looking stranger might be in turmoil under the surface so he should MAYBE NOT INSTRUCT WOMEN HOW TO OPERATE THEIR FACES DON’T YOU THINK?

      This is all a rough estimate of what I told him. I don’t remember it at all, which is a thing that happens when I am truly infuriated: the little stenographer who lives in my brain just goes bye-bye. I do know it went on for some minutes, long enough to draw a small crowd and make me a bit hoarse later. Thanks to a the peculiarity of that stretch of sidewalk, he had no real avenue of escape: he’d been crowding his way past me in a little inlet from the sidewalk where a (closed) business had its double doors, so when I wheeled ’round and loomed at him, he just cowered in his nook, quietly apologizing.

      It. Was. AWESOME.

      1. liminalist +3

        You are a rockstar. Sorry you had to go through that, but wow, way to rise to the occasion. From all the women who were likely spared a “smile” from this dudebro, thank you. Awesome, indeed.

    21. thisclimbingbean +4

      Like a superhero indeed!

      When I was pregnant with #4, I was really big. I mean, I put on lots of weight when I get pregnant, but this baby was also a big one, so I had this massive belly, and this one other parent would consistently, every week, ask me when the baby was due. And I’d not only be pissed that she kept asking and not remembering (she obviously wanted to have something to talk about) but also that every time, she would say, ‘Oh, wow, are you sure? You’re so BIG!’ and eventually I said, ‘I know. You tell me that every time you see me.’ And she just paused, and kind of had that I-don’t-quite-know-how-to-take-that-comment-you-are-usually-so-polite look on her face, and then said, ‘It’s just… you’re not fat. I mean, normally you aren’t…’ and then just kind of smiled apologetically because she was just digging herself into a deeper hole.

      But she never asked me how much longer I had to go 🙂

    22. mustacheddragon +5

      Not the best thing ever-ever but last week I spent two hours trying to catch a dog that was hiding in the bushes in my neighbourhood. Much hamburger later I was able to catch him and took him to the vet to check for a chip (of course there wasn’t one), but his parents had been looking for him and collected him the next day. So yay!

    23. Catherine +3

      Things I repeatedly do:

      a) Tell people playing with their dogs off-leash literally yards from the local dog park and right next to a children’s playground to please take their dogs to the dog park because off-leash dogs can hurt and/or scare children. Dog parks exist for a reason.

      b) When I drive by the senior citizen protesting outside the Planned Parenthood by my office, I like to yell some variant of “why don’t you fuck off, you useless pieces of shit” out the window. The startled, offended looks on their faces is always amusing, as if to have a random stranger yell at you is somehow impolite for them, but not for the women trying to access health care at PP.

  12. Spinozagal +4

    Happy Friday Toasties! I hope everyone had a good week and even better weekend to come.

    I have a bit of a sensitive issue that I would like to get some advice or feedback from you guys.
    My 22 yo cousin, who is like a little sister to me, is having some “technical difficulties” in her first time with her bf of almost 8 months. This is the first time for both I’m told. However they have yet to have success due to how tight she is. Most likely it’s nerves on both ends but she’s a bit upset & embarrassed about the situation and came to me for advice & guidance. I try reassuring her about the normal difficulties of first time nerves that everyone experiences & etc. I told her to maybe talk to some of her friends and get some of their experiences to put into context her own experience, however she’s always been shy & introverted, she seems reluctant to talk openly about this. Instead she’s been googling and freaking herself (and me) out with all these theories to why & how to fix it, like vaginismus and ordering dialators etc.
    I’m not great when it comes to sex advice tbh and I’ve ran out of ideas, so I’m hoping to get some feedback from the group to help reassure her.
    Thanks in advance for helping me mentor lol!
    Yay for Roxane joining The Toast!

      1. Spinozagal +5

        Yeah her “considerate” bf already bought a big tub lol. I have to try hard to keep a straight face next time I see him.

        1. ach_so +3

          Lube is the best. I recommend it to everyone, it is my own personal de-stigmatization campaign.

    2. GreenGrasses +12

      Tell them to just do foreplay for a few sessions, PIV strictly forbidden! Then they should get some lube and go really slow after plenty of warm-up!!

    4. vmartinipie +6

      As above, yes lube. Foreplay and lube. Foreplay, communication, and lube. Foreplay, communication, perhaps a glass of wine, and lube.

    5. thecaitd +7

      Speaking from personal experience: dilators are actually not a horrible worst-case-scenario tool. You can use them even if you don’t have a muscular problem like vaginismus. If you’re just a bit tight they can really help physically and mentally ease you into the process of insertion (and you don’t even have to work all the way up to the giganticest one in the set if you don’t want to).

      1. Spinozagal +3

        Thanks for the info re: dilators. When she sent me the pics they just look like dildos to me. I didn’t want her wasting her time & money on gimmick items. Glad to learn they work. I’ll have to let her know.

        1. Sloth +6

          They are really the most useful way of tackling this sort of thing, even if she doesn’t have vaginismus, because otherwise it can be a big leap from fingers to penis and having a set of dilators (which are scaled up nicely) could give her an opportunity to practice and ease her way in both physically and mentally, before she goes for the real thing.

          Also sorry to comment so much on this, I have vaginismus and am used to people having no idea what it is or thinking its a horrible disease so I’m in explainy educator mode right now : )

    6. DeepBlueC +3

      I mean, I don’t want to freak you out more, but it’s totally possible that it is something more than just nerves. The absolute vindication I felt when I went to the gynecologist and she told me that I had extremely strong muscles in that area was amazing. Thankfully I’m very gay and had a very patient girlfriend, who started with her pinky (!!) and worked her way up. Not going to lie, it took ages to loosen up, but that’s mostly because I didn’t have quite as strong a motivation as most straight women would. If she can afford to go to a gynecologist, I’d really recommend it, in addition to starting with fingers and lube. I don’t know her and her boyfriend, but I hope that he will be really supportive and non-pressure-y as they work up to piv (he can get off a lot of other ways!)! Good luck to them!

      1. Spinozagal +4

        I’ve definitely suggested gyno visit if she wanted professional advice. She’s been on the fence.
        I’m glad it all worked out for you. Supportive partner is paramount in situations like these. Her bf seems like a really nice guy so I’ll give him benefit of doubt. However my guy’s on standby to scare some sense into him if not lol. Thanks!

        1. DeepBlueC +8

          Glad he seems nice! and now I’m also going to join the chorus of people saying ANGLES. If she can put a finger in, checking that her particular angle is, er, traditional (not everyone’s is! don’t ask how I know…) would probably be a good idea. No clue how common variant vaginal vectors are, but they’re definitely a thing in my experience. woooo talking about vaginas before an audience of who knows how many!! 😀 (eta: oh, and happy to help!)

        2. Sloth +2

          If you’re going the gynecologist route I seriously recommend taking her to planned parenthood. I sort of glossed over the topic of going to a doctor in my comment below, not because it’s not helpful (it can be extremely helpful!) but because it is so incredibly hard to find a doctor who will be up to date on stuff life this (especially in the US, sadly). I fortunately knew about it from all the wonderful sex ed books my parents gave me to supplement what I learned in school (which was great because then I wasn’t freaked out when it happened) but it did mean going through 5 or 6 doctors who told me I was imagining things or that I just needed to relax and get some lube (which I was already doing).

          There is also an unfortunate idea that people who have it have been traumatized in some way, that is a holdover from back when some area of a woman’s body was under-researched so doctors would tell her she was hysterical or imagining things. It’s purely a lack of control over one’s muscles and an involuntary tightening, nothing more, and nothing terrible, and nothing that can’t be fixed with some practice and patience. I’ve had great luck with planned parenthood in finding gynecologists who are both non shamey and up to date on gynecological research, so if she wants to talk to someone I’d recommend starting there.

        3. Ethylbenzene +5

          She probably should start seeing a gynecologist on the regular anyway, especially if she’s sexually active! You can catch some (not many, but some) stuff from just skin-to-skin contact, besides which there is plenty to take care of even without adding sex into it! (hah, adding sex into it…)

    7. spring chickens +5

      The person who said “angles” is probably very right. I would suggest trying things out with them both sitting up/her on top of him on a chair, and/or missionary but with a pillow under her bottom. Also about 10x more foreplay than whatever they currently do!

    8. Sloth +6

      Hi! I have vaginismus and trust me it’s no big deal, there’s a stigma, but there is no reason to be freaked out by it! She may have it or she may not but if she does it’s not going to like, ruin her sex life or anything (mine is great!). Also dilators are really useful as part of the physical therapy for vaginismus and if I had had the money to buy them back when I was in high school and trying to sort all this out I would have, it would have made everything much easier.

      Ok so first off it may just be nerves, if that’s the case relaxing, lots of foreplay, lots of lube (sliquid silver is the best always and forever and also the best for vaginismus if it turns out that’s her situation). She should also try having sex with her on top, for some reason kids tend to start with missionary and it’s much trickier to get the right angle. This way she can slowly lower herself down.

      Now lets say she does have vaginismus, in that case it’s totally fine, its just a scary sounding word. It’s basically difficulty relaxing your pelvic floor muscles. It’s sometimes accompanied by general pelvic floor issues but she’d know about that because it would mean she’d have trouble relaxing to pee as well.

      If she does have vaginismus and doesn’t want to see a doctor about it (note, finding a doctor who actually knows what vaginismus is unfortunately very difficult and not necessary except in severe cases (like can’t use a tampon severe)) I would recommend getting a set of dilators online (if she does want to see a doctor they’ll probably ask her to buy them anyway). If you are open to helping just spring for the dilators, it will make her life easier. She’ll want to do kegels and focus on the relaxing part of the kegels, rather than the tightening. This will help her gain control over her muscles and understand what tightening and relaxing feel like, so she can begin to recognize when she’s involuntarily tightening her muscles. Then she can move into just inserting a finger, either by herself or with her boyfriend (she should use lube for this and for everything, it will just make everything easier). Once she’s comfortable with that she can start working through the dilators from smallest to largest (either alone or with her boyfriend or both). It’s just a way to help you get accustomed to relaxing your muscles around different sized objects and it’s the best and fastest way to deal with vaginismus.

      If it helps, I have both vaginismus and vulvodynia and my sex life is great! It took a little practice but now I can do pretty much whatever I want with my boyfriend. It helps if I guide him in and we tend to start with me on top because it makes the process easier, but once I’m relaxed we’re good to go just like anyone else. I don’t think he even notices it and neither do I as long as we start slow.

      1. Spinozagal +1

        Thank you so much for relating your personal experience with vaginismus and the helpful info as well.
        Your success in dealing with it is definitely reassuring. Thanks again for the advice.

    9. autumnlorayne +2

      There’s a youtube series by Laci Green, called Sex +, presented in a very accessible manner. She’s sex-positive, very frank, and feminist. I think it may be aimed at teens but it’s not condescending at all. I definitely learned stuff from her! She has one that discusses the pain that can come with the ‘first time’, called ‘You can’t POP your cherry”, and she gives some practical advice .
      It might be something to counter some of the more intense stuff your cousin has encountered online.

    11. blushingflower +3

      Foreplay. All the foreplay. More foreplay than you think you can handle.
      Lube.
      Doing Kegels will help, because if you can consciously contract those muscles, you can also consciously relax them.
      Consider fingers or small toys as part of foreplay/warm-up (or solo play time). Something smaller than his penis to help get used to opening up and having something inside.
      Consider different positions – as someone else send, angle of entry makes a difference. I was on top the first time I had sex, and while it is my least favorite position, there is something to be said for the control it gives the person being penetrated (and also for the aid of gravity)
      It is also probably a good idea to go to a GYN if she never has, not just for this, but just to get a baseline exam. I believe it is generally advised that you should get your first pelvic when you become sexually active.

    12. Beakses +5

      Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and generally awesome person with a very good blog that might be of help. She gets into both the emotional/ mental side and the physical side of things, and she writes in a lovely “this is totally normal” style. She’s also written some books for the Good in Bed guides, although I haven’t read any of those so can’t speak to their quality.

    13. Nausikaa +2

      I agree with the people who said she should be on top. I had the same problem my first time and that was how I solved it, I think because I felt more in control and could relax, instead of involuntarily tensing up b/c I was expecting pain that I couldn’t control or stop.

    14. MissAndrie +1

      This is weird but something called “steaming” can help with muscular tightness etc. Google it! It’s so good for the vulva, too.

    15. thisclimbingbean +1

      Lots of advice, all of it good, and I second/third the seeing of a doctor (just a good idea to find a good gyno in any case) and much foreplay, and her on top. Good luck to her!

  13. allanaaa +4

    This week I rolled out Big Fancy Records Management plan, which seems to be going middling at best in terms of reception.

    Also my flu is still here.

    Also because I did some legal research and made some guesses about what was going to happen with that defamation lawsuit in library-land, that we talked about last week, I basically got called a Men’s Rights Activist or whatever. Still a bit miffed about that, but whatever, it’s twitter.

    I am contemplating going much further into debt and buying a Very Fancy Camera. I am a Nikon girl. Suggestions?

  14. CleverManka +31

    Okay, so I am still freaking out about realizing how many people are reading this and am just going along with someone’s suggestion to IGNORE THAT and assume those million readers are not looking at the comments.

    Last night I was too lazy to finish coloring my hair (a ridiculous 6 hour process because I have to use henna and indigo thanks ALLERGIES), so I left the henna on overnight instead of dealing with the indigo step. After 14 hours of processing time, the white hairs look like copper wires on a black background (instead of the anemic orange they are after my usual three hours). It looks incredible. I’m almost tempted to just stop with the indigo step and letting go to this mix of colors.

    Who else is loving their hair this week?

    1. laurenipsum +1

      In the last, I dunno, several months, my hair has freaked out and become two different types of hair. All the hair on the back of my head is now curly. The hair on the front of my head is still just wavy. It’s horrible. I don’t know what to do.

      1. CleverManka +1

        Uuuuuuugh. What a nightmare. So, okay, I have no idea if you’re at all interested in having hennaed hair, but henna does tend to pull out curl. Of course, keep in mind my hair decided to grow in curly when I stopped keeping it 1″ short. And it’s pretty darn curly even though I henna it regularly. So It might not pull out enough of your curl to make it worthwhile.

    2. thecaitd +6

      I’m dying mine silvery blonde in two weeks and I got asked for pixie cut advice from a fellow wearer of short hair, so I feel like I’m on point hairwise!

      1. CleverManka +5

        NICE! There are few things more flattering than someone asking you for style/fashion/life advice.

        1. thecaitd +6

          Ladies with pixie cuts are like their own little club, and I am never happier to be a member than when someone says “TELL ME YOUR SECRET.” (also, my secret is texturing spray, for those who are interested.)

    3. Steph +5

      Not me! I’ve been growing it out as an experiment (and also laziness) and I miss my short hair so much. How do people put up with long hair?! It’s not even full boob length and it is such a hassle. I’m getting it hacked off next week! 😀

      1. CleverManka +11

        Good for you, escaping hair that makes you feel trapped!

        I put up with my long hair because frankly, I have FUCKING AMAZING hair and I love how it makes me feel like a goddess. Need for socially-sanctioned and external validation? Yep. Sue me. I have fucking amazing hair. That’s. how I put up with mine. VANITY. =D

        1. Steph +4

          Haha, a good part of the reason I’ve not gotten cut already is because If I grew it out a bit longer, I’d totally have mermaid hair. Blonde, fluffy, wavy, mermaid hair. Sigh.

        2. Goomaly +5

          Yes! I have this massive curly hair which I feel is simultaneously feminine and lazy, which, yes, is a paradox. So I love it.

          Also long hair is the easiest with this kind of curl because I can either wet it (for curly) or put it in a bun and it’s fine. Short hair was actually more trouble.

          2. Upsidedown_Cake +6

            I love how people (women) come up to me and tell me that they wish they had my nerve to be both curly and greying in public. I tell them that I like to pretend that I’m a rock star, and a white streaked cloud of curls (and I do mean cloud — my hair is about four inches long and stands out from my head in a halo of darkness) is cheaper than a heroin habit and takes less time than learning to play the guitar.

    4. PonyAlong +5

      I’m loving my hair this week but am sorely tempted to chin length bob it at my next appointment.

      SO TEMPTED! I swear I was a 20’s flapper in a past life.

      1. CleverManka +6

        Someday we’ll have nanotechnology to the point where we can have different hair every day.

        1. PonyAlong +2

          Yep, think imma gonna do it! The only thing holding me back is, funny enough, growing it back! I had a pixie cut that I loved but when I decided to grow it out, it took FOREVER. But it’s at shoulder length now (I’ve been steadily inching it up over the past year) so it’s not like it’s gonna be a dramatic chop or anything.

          Sent from my iPad

    5. ach_so +2

      Ahh that sounds awesome! I also dye my hair with henna, and I seriously look forward to getting more greys just so I can have more incredibly bright orange hairs.

    6. alicia +1

      Wait, I need to hear more about your hair color strategy. What happens when you add the indigo? Are you aiming for black?

      1. CleverManka +2

        Yep, following a henna application with indigo colors even white hair black. And it’s not a flat black like you get with standard dye, either. Seen super up-close, my hair actually reflects rainbows in the sun. I follow Mehandi.com’s instructions for henna/indigo two-step processing. I also have a collection of tips and tricks I’ve acquired over the years if you want details on my own personal experience. I…don’t know how to send you my email, though, to contact me. If you’re on LiveJournal or Tumblr, you could PM me through one of those.

    7. LeastBittern +10

      Your hair sounds awesome!

      There are about a dozen people on my Facebook who post Toast articles, and when I say “Oh, I love the comments thread on this one!” they are like “???”

      SO probably everyone isn’t reading the comments. I mean, imagine the cleverest thing you’ve said on here: it’s easy to believe that only 10% of the people who read it voted it up – it’s possible that only 1% voted it up – but a 200 upvote comment is rare, and those are clever as can be – I refuse to believe that 200,000 people read the comment and then only 0.1% are like “oh, clever”

    8. perianwen +1

      I have developed a Frizz Problem in my old age and have been trying to find a conditioner that will actually help with it. No luck until about a month ago when I started using an argan oil. VOILA. Where has this been all my life? Soft, dries nicely, no discernible frizz, and I don’t have to worry about rinsing it all out like regular conditioner. So, yes. On the days I use the argan (I’m rotating between a few right now to avoid buildup), I do love my hair.

    9. CaityB

      Oh my, oh my, you have to try Fanciful. It’s the old school rinse-in hair ‘color’ that rinses out when you get it wet again. Nothing in it to trigger allergies. No super evil tear up your hair follicle chemicals. Leaves my hair completely soft. Covers the gray. Wash, towel dry, apply, style. It’s ah-mah-zing. I love not having roots! Ever! I love not leaving scary chemical stuff on my tender scalp! I love that it takes zero minutes. It is the best. When I want to have gray, I have it. When I don’t, I don’t. Looks natural. No effort. Great great stuff. Did I mention – no roots ever?

      I get it at CVS. Wal-Mart probably has it too. “Fanci-ful.” It used to be something only old ladies used. But they’re changing their branding. It works.

      1. CleverManka +3

        I kinda like my permanent color, though. I don’t want to worry about getting my hair wet and losing the color, and honestly? I NEVER want gray hair. =D

        1. CaityB

          That’s fair! Sometimes I love the gray hair because it’s so steely gray. I get compliments on it. Other times I feel like “I’m so OLDDDDDDDDD make it go awayyyyyy!” [tears running through my Retin A cream] And then I have to have the option to cover it.

          I started going gray at 22. For a while it was anachronistic and cool. But now 20 years later I’m at the age where it’s not a wild and crazy genetic thing, it’s just. Gray hair. But I’ve been coloring my damn hair for 20 years now! I’m done! If I don’t die of scalp heebiejeebies, I’ll die from the sheer aggravation of coloring every 3-5 weeks. I’m so over it.

          Is this how we get in our 60’s if we’ve been coloring since our 40’s? Just done with the whole thing? If so, I’m 20 years ahead of the curve. Congrats to you for having the patience of henna! I’ve thought about that. But then I look at the 4-6 hour wait time. And no. I wish I could. But I know myself better.

  15. grandma_nancy +8

    OCTOBER BASEBALL! Who’s watching?? I went out last night to an expat Orioles bar I discovered in NYC. Needless to say, we had a fantastic time. Can’t escape work for Game 2 so I’m listening to the radio broadcast!

    1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

      If you want to come play in the sports thread just down south, today it is doubling as a Baseball Open Thread! Go O’s!

    2. anon210 +2

      I’m only following in a schadenfreudy way. So long as the Nationals are knocked out immediately and in humiliating fashion, I will consider the postseason a qualified success, since the Braves couldn’t be there.

      It would be nice if the Royals won, right? Long-suffering, good fans, good writers. If they make it to the World Series, I’ll probably watch at least a couple games.

    3. DeepBlueC +4

      GO O’S!!!!! I wish I could go to an Orioles bar. While it’s obviously ideal to watch games, I have a soft spot in my heart for radio broadcasts since my dad and I used to listen to them at night. I was supposed to be the one falling asleep, but invariably he’d be snoring and I’d wake him up none too gently.

    4. Frumiosa +5

      ORIOLES MAGIC!!! I’m far away in enemy Red Sox territory but feeling the love so hard!

      1. grandma_nancy +3

        This is our year, hon! Most of my family is in Maryland and my cousin just sent me a picture of a bunch of them at the game…dying of jealousy over here.

        1. katiemcgillicuddy +5

          Whoa, holy double play Orioles, that’s some fine baseballin’! (you guys see that??)

          1. grandma_nancy +4

            AMAZING dive by Flaherty. Just as I was griping about missing Manny. Infield is ON POINT.

          2. grandma_nancy +3

            …I also may have pumped my fists a liiiiiiittle too conspicuously in this open office

    5. ksek +2

      I was at the NL Wildcard game on Wednesday, rooting full force for my Pirates.

      I’m going to be sad for a while now.

      2. anon210 +2

        I felt pretty terrible for the Pirates. It wasn’t even a good game–just a rotten way to end a season.

        1. ksek +1

          The first three innings were fun at least (the whole stadium was cheering for every strike Volquez threw like it was a Pirates home run). After that, I channeled all my anger toward the people leaving early, because I have Strong Opinions about leaving baseball games early. ESPECIALLY postseason games.

  16. perianwen +12

    TOASTFOLK!
    So last night, some friends and I were discussing the crap the patriarchy dishes out, and the kinds of sexism that still flourish unchallenged in work environments, how we might best burn it all down, whether starting a ‘Women’s Party’ would be in any way effective, and then it turned to discussion of some of those that had existed in the past, and someone came up with a catchy name for one we might start, and this evolved into someone else making a t-shirt design riffing on that, and…well, voila: http://www.zazzle.com/ladies_molotov_cocktail_hou… http://www.zazzle.com/ladies_molotov_cocktail_hou…

    I brought the links here because I figured some of you might be interested in it too. 😉 It does, after all, mention the revolution.

    1. perianwen +3

      If you are thinking of ordering today, the banner at the top says to use the discount code ‘HOLIDAYREADY’ to get 10% off.

  17. anninyn +37

    Oh! Toasties, I dyed my hair and it did NOT come out as planned but I still kinda like it?

    It was supposed to be light purple fading into vivid purple.

    (also, I keep my hair glossy and in good condition despite regular bleaching, ask me anything) (the trick is coconut oil left in over night at least once a week and tons and tons of hair masks)

      1. anninyn +1

        I’m nearly always red or reddish, though! I wanted a change. When it’s recovered a little I’ll try purple again

    5. CleverManka +11

      I’m sorry you didn’t get what you wanted, but I gotta say what you got? Looks fantastic.

    6. StarFootSneech +2

      I’m pretty curious about the once a week coconut oil if you don’t mind sharing. Do you just put some coconut oil into your hair and go to sleep or do you wet your hair first? Do you wrap it up in anything?

      I have curly hair and I live in a humid area so I’m always interested in things that may possibly combat the frizz.
      Also love your hair color!

      1. anninyn +5

        I apply it to dry hair and brush it through. I plait it up to avoid getting grease everywhere, but I don’t wrap it or anything cause I’m a restless sleeper and wraps just come off. In the morning I shampoo it out and usually don’t condition that wash, because the coconut oil is enough, unless I’m doing it DIRECTLY after bleach, when I condition with the heavy-duty conditioner in the pack.

        I have fine hair, but lots of it, and I tend to dryness. My hair type is Loose Waves.

          1. anninyn +3

            Another thing you can do with coconut oil is use it as a leave-in conditioner after your standard conditioning. Melt a tiny bit between fingers and work it into ends and mid-lengths of damp hair. It makes mine too limp but I have friends with various textures of curly or kinky hair who swear by this.

    7. katiemcgillicuddy +3

      Wow, I’d like you to know that, without even reading what you wrote, as soon as I saw the picture I thought, “damn, that color really suits her”. For serious.

    8. thisclimbingbean +1

      Aw, that’s pretty!

      I am not having good hair right now. Sigh. I need to get another haircut and also dye it. But: money.

  18. GreenGrasses +2

    Does anyone else have a job where they don’t really get along with their co-workers? I’ve been at my job a bit over a year, and I just get the sense I’m never going to be actual friends with anyone here. It’s bumming me out!

    1. CleverManka +4

      Sorry you’re bummed. I get along fine with my co-workers but there is no way in the world I would spend social time with them. My office hosts one after-work drinks thing in recognition of Administrative Professionals Day and I go to that because FREE BOOZE but that’s plenty enough time, thanks. I used to work in a sales office and people there were much more tight-knit and we partied together all the time. Honestly? I gotta say I prefer what I have now. Less drama, less chance of upsetting behavior interfering with productivity, and most importantly, less chance of talking shop after work.

    2. blueblazes11 +1

      Yes, this is normal. My first job out of college was with a lot of people my age from all different parts of the country, and we became a tight-knit social group. The witty banter started at 8 a.m. and ended when we all closed down the bar together. I assumed THAT was normal. How wrong I was! Now I work with mostly ladies of a certain age. I get along with them fine, but don’t have anything substantive in common, so we don’t really socialize. In some ways it is better than the old job because “my time” and “company time” are much more sharply contrasted.

      ETA: Meaning, I am much more protective of “my” time and have healthier boundaries about work/life balance.

      1. GreenGrasses +2

        Yeah, I used to work at a place that was amazing (a small boutique) and we’re all still friends. But now – I am definitely not hanging out with any work peeps any time soon! I do like the clear separation between work and “me” time because it makes it a lot easier to not worry about my job if I’m not there. I think one of the reasons I don’t hang out with my coworkers, though, is that they all have known each other for a while and are a clique. Needless to say, I am not cool enough to be part of their group.

    3. donkeywork +4

      Yeah, I was told point-blank not to try and befriend my coworkers at a job! Like, everyone’s all topped off socially, so you need to go elsewhere. It was weird, though, because they wanted a ludicrously codependent degree of worker loyalty, but based on what? The fact that you’re a bunch of self-isolated twats? Not a fun gig.

  19. seapartridge +13

    Craft thread! Share your crafts!

    I’m almost done with my doily! Here’s the middle part (in desperate need of blocking):

    IMG_4004

    Now I just have to make 16 flower cluster, which are a pain in the ass. I’ve done two flowers, but I think I’m going to redo them with yellow centers:

    IMG_2314

    Today, I’m starting a filet crochet doily that spells out “fuck off” for my sister’s birthday, and an embroidery project for a friend’s birthday that’s going to say “whatever, you’re great and i’m great and fuck anyone who doesn’t love us.” Yay for vulgar crafts!

    1. anninyn +1

      I’m learning how to stripe and have only fantasised about throwing my knitting into a shredder three times so I’m doing alright.

      No pictures, alas, but when I have some more progress you can have them

    2. sednarea51 +1

      I am allllllllmost done with my black fingerless mitts (I’ll probably sit down and polish them off this weekend) and I’m starting working on my Cap handwarmers. The blue yarn I’m using for the handwarmers is so soft and snug and pretty, I love into teeny little bits. I’m going to have to buy more yarn from this maker (it’s a shop called Wandering Wool, and they’re on Etsy- highly recommended!). And I have promised myself that if I meet a personal organization goal, I can buy myself a little circular needle set from Knit Picks, which I will then use to make a lacy cowl out of sock yarn. I will be the snuggest.

    3. CleverManka +1

      I made some new bloomers and a few multi-strand beaded bracelets for a local craft show this month!

    4. Site_for_Soris +1

      After cutting out hundreds of fabric squares I have made exactly Zero progress on the quilt top I desperately want to make before zygote comes into the world in 7 +/-2 weeks. Getting lots of knitting done, tho. Any suggestions for favorite baby hats and/or socks??

    5. aqueousmedium +1

      Just picked up the knitting needles again now that it’s cooled down,on a honey-pattern cowl in the most beautiful orchid silk bamboo. I may have made a tactical error in using a chunk of that yarn as part of a cat toy, however, as now I need to huddle under a blanket when knitting in order to avoid incoming furry ninja attacks.

    6. ramina +1

      Does cosplay count? I finished my “butt cape” last week (no pictures because my phone was at 4% battery by the time I was done) and now all I have left are the foam pieces. SO EXCITING. I’ll have complete pictures next week since it is the con!!!

    7. LacaunaKale +1


      I made these over the weekend (hi crappy iphone picture) and sent them as surprise to a friend.
      Started on my mother’s Christmas shawl.Being a dumb dumb,I picked the pattern that requires learning 2 new increase and decrease stitches. But so far so good.
      (going to rhinebeck in 2 weeks. squeee!!!!!!!!!!)
      ETA-One day I will correctly instret an image on the 1st try. ONE DAY
      ETA 2- And then my browser crashed. Fine,you win this round internets

    8. yrpretendfriend +3

      I embroidered this moth for my friend for her birthday. I like how it turned out.

  20. literarysara +25

    All week I have been haunted by this line:

    What will this particular vertical be like? WHATEVER ROXANE WANTS IT TO BE.

    But what will it be? How will it be? Why must we wait to find out when curiosity burns now?

  21. firstmute +8

    Toasties! I’m going to Korea (Seoul) all by myself next week on a work trip. I’m a little terrified. Tips? Advice? Must-sees? I have one day to wander around.

    2. theskyrbeast +1

      Seoul is wonderful! First, the subway will get you pretty much anywhere, and it’s clean, safe, easy to use, and everything is labeled in both Korean and English if you’re not a Korean speaker. If you only have a day, stay in the northern part of the city and check out the Changdeokgung palace <a href=”http://(http://eng.cdg.go.kr/main/main.htm)” target=”_blank”>(http://eng.cdg.go.kr/main/main.htm) and the Leeum Samsung museum, which has a beautifully curated collection of Korean art spanning approximately 1500 years. (The twentieth century wing is really cool, but I think the Silla dynasty celadon pottery is the thing to see, if you only can see one thing.) If the weather is nice and you want to get outdoors, go to Namsan Park in the center of the city and either climb or take the bus to the top. The view is great, and it should be gorgeous in the fall. Also, co-signing the suggestion from bibliobotic to eat lots of street food.

      (I really miss Seoul. It’s lovely. Have fun!)

    4. Beckie

      I hope it’s not a Monday. I had a 12 hour layover in Seoul and was all excited for museums, and then everything was closed. Plus it was raining. The one cultural museum that was open near the palace was pretty cool, though.

  22. blunderbusst +23

    Also, guys, I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your help and advice and listening and contextualizing for me last week. It’s been a rough few days, but your help has been paramount.

    We are going with “Therapy for Everybody!” He is going to continue his, I am going to try it out for the very first time (to get some tools for not “being an emotional caretaker,” among other things I would like to work on), and we’re going to go together, too.

    Anyway, THANK YOU.

    2. Genevievenumba4 +2

      I’m glad you guys found a way to tackle this stuff. Seconding the thanks for the update 🙂

      1. blunderbusst +7

        Is it weird that I’m a little excited about it? My thought process goes something like this:

        1. This sucks.
        2. We need therapy to move past this.
        3. I need some extra therapy to sort through my own issues.
        4. Thank god I am not imagining that the dynamic is weird and could benefit from professional help.
        5. Oh man I can’t wait to learn about how to deal with this stuff.
        6. Thank god we are dealing with this now instead of down the road when we are living together / married / have other entangling responsibilities.
        7. This new phase is going to be so exciting!

        Uh, maybe there is something (else) wrong with me.

  23. rmless +102

    Today I learned what it means to “gird your loins” for battle and I thought you all might be interested:

    1. vmartinipie +7

      WOW I never even thought to question where the phrase came from, this is rad!! Thanks!

    2. hugpunch +26

      @rmless I’ve been to a few weddings where this would have been helpful with my dress.

      1. rmless +10

        Yeah it also is good for when you are wearing a maxi dress and want to go biking. Thanks, Romans!

    5. ramina +4

      Someone I am friends with on FB posted that this morning and I stared at it for a good twenty minutes. SO INTERESTING

    7. jimmyjimjimjim +3

      Can anyony with a maxi skirt/dress confirm step 5-6 is even possible? That seems like it would take solo much extra fabric

      1. elsamac +2

        I have actually done this—the time I best remember was getting trapped on a sand bar in a maxi-dress when the tide came in and having to wade out—though I didn’t connect it to the phrase, and it TOTALLY WORKS. At least, with a reasonably light, soft fabric, it does. I can imagine it would get bulky with heavy or stiff fabrics.

  24. winterbymorning +28

    Yesterday, for reasons best known to himself, my husband put my 100% silk, dry-clean-only blouse in the washer & dryer and then to top it off he didn’t even hang it up, he just left it all crumpled up at the bottom of the hamper. The worst part is that I couldn’t even get mad at him because he was all earnest and “Look! I’m helping by doing the laundry!” it would have been like yelling at a puppy.

    In honour of my poor blouse, let us join together and share tales of well-intentioned male ineptitude!

    A bonus story: one winter my dad decided to do me a favour and clean my suede boots… by rubbing them all over with black shoe polish.

    1. deleted1892326 +12

      My boyfriend somehow accidentally shrank/felted his wool sweater – even though he’s usually very careful about these kinds of things. But now it fits me!

      1. Rosie_M_Banks +15

        My boyfriend, now husband, did the same thing — with a wool sweater I had knitted for him.

        To be fair, he was, and remains to this day, very apologetic about it. Still. It was a bit tense there for a while.

          1. Rosie_M_Banks +3

            (Sorry, I realize this is not Bingo Little, but who can resist Bertie Wooster in a terrible grin and flashing shirt?)

        4. LeastBittern +15

          Your relationship survived BOTH you knitting him a sweater AND him shrinking the same sweater.

          You guys are amazing.

      2. WanderingDancer +2

        I once borrowed my boyfriend’s lovely cashmere sweater (from Goodwill, so nice but not expensive). Over the course of several less-than-careful washings, it felted down from boyfriend’s size to my size. I felt a little bad about it, but now I have to comfiest lounging about sweater and I know he’ll never ask for it back.

        To be fair, he also did the same thing with a pair of alpaca sock I’d knitted for him. :/

      3. HotDoom +1

        Yeeah, my partner managed to shrink and give his cashmere jumper a gross, perpetually slightly sticky feeling from the detergent he washed it wish. Polyester and acrylic jumper from now on for him.

        1. sloth_n +1

          Do you still have the jumper? I ask because you might be able to throw it in a cold water wash with a cup of vinegar to get rid of the sticky detergent feeling. That’s assuming it hasn’t shrunk so far that neither of you could wear it.

          1. HotDoom +1

            I do! This is a great suggestion. I tried hand washing it and soaking it to get some of the sticky off, which seemed to work some, but it’s not being used, so vinegar it is!

    2. GreenGrasses +11

      Oh silk! You are the best and the worst of fabrics.

      My partner tried to bring me a bouquet of parsley when I arrived back from a trip home, but my flight was early so I went to the train station instead. After trying in vain for an hour to finally meet up with each other, he pulled the wilted parsley still in the grocery store bag from his backpack and gave it to me. It was so sad looking but who cares!

      1. rolotomassi5 +3

        I love parsley, but it goes from looking fresh as a daisy to a weird mess in an astonishingly small amount of time. Come on! Be more durable, parsley.

    3. allanaaa +40

      Yeah but fucking up the laundry isn’t “doing the laundry.”

      (I ruined my own silk tanktop this week by putting it in the same load as something blue. I don’t even know what the blue thing was, but the top is now definitely tie-dyed. And I STILL reserve the right to judge people who don’t know how to read tags or sort loads.)

      1. msjinxie +40

        WORD. It drives me NUTS when dudes pull that “Yeah I fucked it up, but I tried!” shtick, whether it’s intentional or no. You’re capable of doing a number of complicated tasks, you can read the damn care tag on the blouse or use your noggin

      2. loren_smith +27

        Yes thank you. They put the tags there for a reason – they aren’t invisible to male eyes. I hold my husband to the same standard of human behaviour I hold myself, I mean, he somehow knows not to put his suit in the washing machine…

      4. highjump +16

        My father is color blind and is not allowed to put laundry in the washing machine because of too many fuck ups. So now he and my mom have a system where she does everything that has to do with the washing machine and puts things into the appropriate drying cycle but my father folds and puts away all laundry. Adults! Making divisions of labor that work for them!

    4. aravisthequeen +12

      My husband was doing a load of laundry and didn’t know my wool sweater from J.Crew was in there (in his defense, he thought the laundry was already sorted, as we have a complex system of baskets and hampers) and bunged the whole load right into the dryer. My sweater (beautiful, royal purple, with a neck frilly ruffle) would have maybe fit my cat. Or a doll.

      In return he took me shopping the next week and bought me a new dress, which I liked better anyway, so I figured it was fair enough.

      1. winterbymorning +3

        Our mall has finally gotten a J. Crew and I was so excited to go, but the prices. Dear lord. $200 yoga pants! I will have to wait for Boxing Day sales or something.

        1. aravisthequeen +4

          If you’re ever outlet shopping in the States, J. Crew outlets have awesome prices and cute stuff. That is where my dearly-departed sweater came from originally!

          1. steelyglints +1

            We just got one of those where I live (and a brand new train stop to take me there) but I’ve yet to make it out. When I do though, it will be glorious.

        2. steelyglints +1

          ebay! i get all my j crew stuff from ebay (also thredup and tradesey) I get stuff within a few sizes of what I need and then get it altered. It’s still cheaper than even their sale prices.

        3. MoniqueAC +2

          My daughter (almost 16) and I were in our new, local J. Crew a couple of weeks ago, oohing and ahing over all the things we can’t afford to buy. (My daughter was lobbying for a very nice wool winter coat that was, as she said, only $400…)

          On the other hand, a while back I got a lovely hair clip for me and hair band for my daughter at a very good sale price at the J. Crew in Toronto, so it happens.

          1. winterbymorning +1

            They have these really nice suede oxfords that I love, but I tried them on and they pinched my toes, so that will save me from spending $300+ on them.

    5. RoseCamelia +11

      How about well-intentioned ineptitude suffered by my favorite male? I have ruined two of his best saucepans trying to “help” in the kitchen. I no longer try to help.

      1. Goomaly +5

        I got mustard on my favorite male’s fancy hippie non-stick pan once. I didn’t understand the problem. He stared at me in disbelief and then all he would say to me for the rest of the day was

        HAVEN’T YOU HEARD OF MUSTARD GAS??

        Yes? It’s gas? Made of… mustard?

        It is perhaps needless to say that I am no longer allowed to touch his kitchen supplies.

        1. aravisthequeen +11

          I have an actual degree in First World War studies, and I would have still looked at that pan and gone “What?” because I’m like 95% certain that mustard you buy in the store cannot possibly transform into mustard gas. For real.

          1. Goomaly +2

            Turns out mustard is an irritant (hence its being used in warfare to plague your enemies with) and also corrosive to metal, even in condiment form.

            It did fuck up his pan 🙁

          2. aravisthequeen +8

            Well, yes, but mustard gas isn’t derived from mustard or have anything to really do with mustard that we eat. It’s called mustard gas because it sort of smells like mustard and raises yellowish-brownish “mustard-coloured” welts. I’m willing to buy that it can damage things, but store-bought mustard isn’t mustard gas by any stretch.

          3. Goomaly +15

            The ONE time I didn’t google one of his claims…

            Seriously. I’m a librarian who compulsively look up everything.

            God damn him.

          4. msjinxie +4

            Right? I think if it were that easy to create mustard gas at home, it’d be common knowledge by now…(I’d google “how to make mustard gas” but that’s probably not a search history I want on my work computer.)

    6. coloredlights +4

      How about a tale of my own laundry ineptitude? I bought a tank top with a print on the front from American Eagle (their higher-end line, so it wasn’t as cheap as that sounds), noted that it was hand-wash line-dry, translated that as cold-wash line-dry like I do for everything, wore it immediately, washed it about two days after I bought it, and promptly tossed it in the dryer by accident. The entire print came off the front.

      And because I found that sort of unfair and don’t really care about disadvantaging large corporations, I tried to exchange it. And they let me!

    7. CleverManka +9

      OH MY GOD ALL MY CONDOLENCES.

      I have threatened The Beloved with dire consequences should he ever attempt to do my laundry. He wants to do his own? Fine. But I will happily do laundry for both of us as long as he promises to NEVER EVER EVER “help” with my clothes. I am also the one who shines the shoes.

      Hm. I never realized this before, but I might have more control issues than I thought.

      1. fortunata +2

        Oh man, I have similar laundry-related control issues. This resonates.

        On another note, I’m so delighted to see that someone else believes in shining shoes! Do you find it super relaxing? I really, really like polishing my favorite boots.

        1. CleverManka +2

          I don’t find it relaxing, but it is SO incredibly…fulfilling. It just feels SO GOOD to have beautifully polished shoes.

          1. fortunata +2

            Mm, fulfilling is perhaps a better word for it. Mostly, I find that it makes me happy to care for a good-quality thing. It feels to me like I’m restoring a tiny bit of domestic order to my world whenever I make my boots look new again. It also helps that sometimes being careful with things is something one does for other people’s benefit, and the act of polishing boots is for sure just to make myself happy.

        2. bookwormV +1

          I just polished my shoes in preparation for my first day of my MA! (My dad is very much in favour of polishing one’s shoes. Luckily for me, he cares more about me having polished shoes than he does about me doing it for myself, so would habitually polish them for me before the first day of school or a job interview. It’s weird living away from home and having to do it myself.)

          1. fortunata +1

            Oh man, congratulations on starting your MA/good luck with your program! I definitely got my boot-polishing habits from my dad, too. I think it’s super sweet that your dad polishes yours for you when you’re home. I hope im not assuming too much, but I think that sounds like a really charming, subtle way to show love. 🙂

      2. blunderbusst +26

        My parents love(d) to tell the story of how they sorted (sorry guys, I don’t know where all the awful puns are coming from today) out their laundry-related divisions of labor. Dad, standing with Mom over their first basket of newlywed laundry, explaining the very specific way he liked to fold his socks and underwear. Mom, knowing she a) didn’t care and b) wouldn’t be able to remember such detailed instructions, looked him square in the eye and said, “I guess you’re doing our laundry from now on, then.”

        Control issues won or lost that day. We can’t be sure, but you better believe Dad was great at laundry forever.

    8. BourneApprox +6

      In an effort to clean out the pantry when I was traveling, my husband opened, cooked up, and consumed in its entirety a package of instant noodles and sauce which was 3+ years expired. The kitchen smelled like rancid noodle sauce for the next two months.

      1. winterbymorning +27

        D: That’s so grosssss.

        Back when Husband was still Boyfriend, I found a container of leftover Chinese food in his fridge that was several months old. The food was covered in a thick layer of mold. He also had a kitchen drawer that contained nothing but almost-full boxes of Tic-Tacs. His explanation was “I want to make sure I have fresh breath when I see you, so I always buy some Tic-Tacs before our dates.” Which was very sweet and all, but how does a grown man forget, every single time, that he already has plenty of Tic-Tacs, an entire drawerful of Tic-Tacs?

        I love him very much, and he is very smart, but sometimes he displays these astounding lapses in common sense and all I can do is stare at him and reflect upon the fact that I willingly chose to bind myself to this person for life.

        1. Nausikaa +5

          I remember an episode of House in which House diagnosed someone with something (I think it was a secret broken jaw due to secret BDSM lifestyle) based on his having an entire drawer full of Tic-Tacs.

          1. spideress

            Yes! I watched that one just a couple of weeks ago. I mainly remember it because John Cho was the patient and he was one of many pre-famous people to be patients on the show and get the terrible dialogue that House’s patients get.
            Also it was a really weird episode.

      2. MilesofMountain +13

        Before we moved in together I grabbed a jar of peanut butter from his cupboard and ate some. I should have realized that since he doesn’t like peanut butter, it was suspect. It had been expired for 6 years, and belonged to the house’s previous owner. It was maybe the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten.

        2. BourneApprox +5

          Or deeearrrrrrrrrr. *Tries not to think about rancid peanut butter!*

          For the noodles: on the plus side, he stopped making fun of me for throwing out things which were “only slightly expired,” so MORAL HIGH GROUND GAINED.

        4. elsamac +5

          OH MY GOD I’d mostly forgotten the time that Crunchy Granola Boyfriend Of The Past let me eat and evening snack and breakfast out of the not-natural peanut butter jar—which I assumed he’d bought as a treat for me, since back then I preferred it to natural pb—without telling me it was the humane-mousetrap peanut butter…

          … which is to say, when he loaded the Mouse Cube trap, he would swipe a knife through the peanut butter, dab it into the long trap box toward the end, where skittery wee beasties would cower and release their bowels when trapped, then swipe it back through the jar of peanut butter again to add more.

          HE LET ME EAT MOUSE POOP PEANUT BUTTER.

          TWICE.

    9. robotneedslove +29

      WRT male ineptitude: How do we deal with this? On one hand, I would hate it if someone yelled at ME for not doing some kind of housework right.

      On the other hand, what in the actual fuck. I work longer hours and make more money than my BF, and he is lovely and kind of wants to pull his weight, but there is a HUGE benefit to him to being bad at things because then eventually I will just do them. But this is garbage.

      AND (and winterbymorning I don’t mean to criticise your husband) it also really grinds my gears when I’m told he is “helping”, by him or by somebody else. You, boyfriend, are not “helping” me do my tasks. You are doing household tasks that are required to make our lives work. Like, if and when we have kids, if my boyfriend looks after them, this is not babysitting.

      Argh sorry I’m just in a MOOD about patriarchy today.

      1. winterbymorning +10

        Well, I phrased my original comment poorly – he didn’t say “But I was helping!” or anything. He listened to my rant about proper laundry procedures and then said quietly, “I’m sorry I ruined your shirt. I’ll buy you another one” with this sad, defeated look. And I instantly felt like a bitch because he does a lot of stuff around the house, and he works hard at his job so that we have the kind of lifestyle where I can afford to spend my own salary on silk blouses if I want to, and in the grand scheme of things a ruined shirt is not a big deal and definitely not something I want to fight with him about.

        But on the other hand, yeah, it’s not unreasonable to expect a grown man to be able to read the label on an item of clothing and figure out if it can safely go in the washer or not. FFS.

      2. deleted7214754 +8

        “[T]here is a HUGE benefit to him to being bad at things because then eventually I will just do them.” YES. I don’t have any advice for you, but in my house it is dishes and it simultaneously makes me feel as though I am living with a child and worry about what will happen if we ever actually have a child. Because kids, like dishes, need washing up multiple times per day.

        1. OliviaPJones +3

          Ha! Yeah! When I was newly moved in with my then-beau (we are now married), he told me I was good at the dishes. I gave him the most withering look ever and told him that telling me I was good at housework drudgery wasn’t a compliment and I was “good at the dishes” because I had to do them for a living for less than subsistence wages. He learned fast.

    10. pieismyreligion +3

      My husband consistently over waters our houseplants without noticing the spillage from the planter to the surface, which more often than not is wood. As a result there’s a lot of warpage and staining going on. Annoying yes, but it’s even more annoying that he continues to do this when I feel most people would remember after the second? third? time.

    11. CaityB +2

      Yes. The Ruining of the Clothes. Ugh. I lost two (two!) gorgeous wool sweaters to a wash-n-dry incident with one of my exes. From that came two things:

      1) I do all my own laundry myself now. All of it. Get your hands off! No! Me! Mine! Yes, I’m two years old. Every last sock, every pillow case, every t-shirt. I wash them all. Myself. My mother is like, if I only knew that was all it took I would’ve ruined something you cared about when you were 14.

      2) He has been remembered for 10+ years now as The Ex That Ruint My Two Favorite Wool Sweaters. And shall be so forevermore.

      1. laurenipsum +2

        My living situation is such that we have to go to the laundromat that’s about half an hour away. More often than not, my favorite male is the one who’s got time to go. Two things have made this possible: 1) I convinced him to always wash everything on cold, don’t even think about hot, it doesn’t exist; 2) I sort out my line dry stuff *when I take it off* and put it in a different laundry bag than the stuff that can go in the dryer. Then he puts that stuff in its own washer at the laundromat, and when it comes out it goes right back into the bag all wet and comes home to me like that.

        No major mistakes so far except when I put something in the wrong receptacle. *crosses fingers*

        1. Beakses +1

          That’s pretty much our system- my line dry stuff goes into bags that can go in with the normal laundry (delicates bags or whatever they’re called), and that means that stuff gets hung up. We’ve only had mishaps when I’ve mis-sorted or I’ve forgotten to zip a bag.

  25. wallofillusion +6

    So, besides trying to arrange a Pittsburgh meetup, here’s what’s going on in my life: I’ve started birth control, for the point of not hating myself in the week before my period and also hopefully clearing up some of my hormonal acne. For two days I thought I was having no side effects, which was great, but last night I laid in bed for 45 minutes pondering the “fact” that a fictional character who is badly damaged by childhood abuse meant that I (never abused, in no way personally relating to this character)… am a horrible person and there is no joy in the world. (????) And then this morning I almost cried on the bus because of a ranking of… more fictional characters. And also I’m fatigued and my brain is dumb today.

    So I guess the side effects are here. Is the emotionalness something that’s gonna go away pretty quick? Because if that’s gonna stick around I need a different type of BC pronto.

    I have never taken a medication Forever, Toasties. I’ve never taken a medication for more than a month. I recognize that this means I am very lucky, but I am kind of nervous about Being On Birth Control and also a purity culture upbringing has me worried that if anyone finds out they will think I am a Bad, Sex-Having Person. It is distressing. Then again, just about everything is right now.

    1. safvn +2

      I am so sorry you’re having a hard time with it. But I am happy to say it does even out, at least for me and all my friends who have tried it! I was a mess for about a month after I started birth control, and after that it actually regulated my PMS mood swings.

      I would say that if it’s still here after three or four weeks, go back to the doctor if possible? Like you say, you don’t want a medication that is going to keep you consistently out of control of your emotions. That just really sucks.

      1. wallofillusion +1

        Oof, maybe it’ll just be a rough month, then. Hopefully just a month. I realized that there would be a period of adjustment, but when I started seeing “1-3 months” on the packaging I started wondering if I shouldn’t just suck it up and put up with what I’m used to, especially since I don’t need actual contraception at this point. @_@ But I will give it a try for a little longer.

    2. MilesofMountain +3

      A lot of birth control effects fade after 1-3 months, from what my doctor tells me. That being said, I get moody and sad on birth control in general. Hence my use of Mirena, which doesn’t give me the same problem. If you like the idea of pills over an IUD, I’d say stick with this one for a month or two, then ask to switch if you’re still not feeling right. Oh, and my doctor told me DON’T stop in the middle of a cycle, as it’ll mess you up emotionally even more. If you stop, wait until you get to the placebo pills at the end of the pack.

      1. wallofillusion +1

        That’s really good to know–if I decide to back out of using birth control, I’ll wait until the end of the cycle!

        Does the IUD prevent hormonal acne as well? That’s one of the huuuuge things I’m trying to get rid of.

        1. lemonadefish +3

          I also feel very sad on BCP, and did not feel sad with a Mirena. It did clear up one sort of acne, but maybe sort of caused a different kind? (Then had pregnancy acne, and now I have some kind of breastfeeding psoriasis /acne. UG IT NEVER ENDS.) But depending on how your skin reacts, it might or might not help things. (The pill helped my skin a lot, but it was not at all worth laying in bed crying all the time.) (Though I will also note, I have a friend who takes BCP for endometriosis, who had sad sad emotional effects, but needed to keep taking it – she eventually found that a very strong dose made everything a-ok.)

        2. CheddarBiscuit +1

          If you end up deciding to go off birth control, spironolactone can also be a solution for hormonal acne. I’ve used it for a few years now for that purpose and haven’t experienced any side effects. I stick to a pretty low dose and combine it with some topical meds and makes a big difference in keeping my skin clear and cutting down on the gross hormonal cystic stuff.

    3. allanaaa +2

      I am a huge fan of The Ring. Before that I had the patch, which was unreliable. But I could never ever ever remember to take a daily pill, because I too am not a medication type.

      I haven’t really had emotional effects either way, on the ring, but I did stop it for a while when I was travelling and suddenly had unbearable cravings for certain foods for a few weeks.

      1. wallofillusion +1

        Hormones are weeeeird. Yet another reason messing with my body’s chemistry at all makes me nervous.

    4. RoseCamelia +3

      My Beloved is a biologist and used to *make* birth control pills. He says there are soooo many versions of The Pill that you can switch 3 times a year and never use all of them before menopause. Then add the other birth control options like injections and the ring. Give the current version a few months. Then ask for a different version if you want to improve your experience.

      1. wallofillusion +1

        Logically, I understand this, but given that I don’t actually need contraceptive properties right now and the PMS symptoms are more of an annoyance than a real problem, I just hope I have the stubbornness to stick with it until I find one that suits me. ><

    6. fortunata +1

      There’s probably some value in waiting it out, but my personal experience has been that different brands of the Pill either work for me or don’t, right off the bat. Ortho tri-Cycline Lo made me weepy for months and months before I realized what was going on, and Aviane did the same, but Lutera had no mood effects for me ever. I took the latter very happily for two years, during which time I had clearer skin, shorter periods, and no babies, hooray!

      That, however, might just be something to do with my body chemistry. If you can bear to wait it out and see if the effects go away, I suppose there’s no harm in doing that, but in my experience GYNs are pretty understanding about switching you to different brands until you find the right one for you. My GYN at the time was pretty judgmental about a lot of things, but she thought it was 100% reasonable when I said that some brands made me cry all the time, and others didn’t.

      Whatever you decide to do, good luck! 🙂

    7. Es_Petal +2

      My first pill made me like that, I changed and the second was a blissful release! I was so much more zen than I have ever been. Don’t be afraid to go back to the doctor and get another one if it doesn’t pass pretty quick.

    8. OliviaPJones +1

      Here is something it took me a while to learn. There is no one “the pill.” There are a whole host of pills! I dealt with being nauseous in the morning for like months before I finally told my superawesome gyno and she was like, “Ok, no problem, we’ll try a different pill and a lower dose.” !! Here I was stubbornly holding on because I liked my BC lifestyle but also secretly thought there was something wrong with my body’s chemistry.

  26. noodge4lyfe +2

    So do any other toasties ride motorcycles? I’m only two months into my personal motorcycling experience, and I’m loving it. But it’s a really interesting thing, being a woman who rides, and I thought it would be cool to discuss it with our group of people.

    I get a LOT of attention for it, for sure. I’d say it splits 50/50 between people who are surprised/stoked to see me riding and comment positively on my bike, genuinely interested in it because it’s a not-well-known asian brand with classic styling, and the other 50% are people making me feel like a 5 year old who just learned to tie my shoes and/or pick up lines. “GOOD FOR YOU!!!!” or “WOW, THAT’S SO IMPRESSIVE!” or “RIDE THIS GLARRRGHHGHG” Ignoring the harrassment, I’m genuinely flabbergasted at how to react to the people who seem to think I’ve topped myself in learning to ride this device that literally millions of other people in the world ride with no problem. A tight-lipped smile is about all I’ve managed. I’m proud I haven’t been like “look, learning to ride a motorcycle is nowhere near the top of the list of my accomplishments/battles overcome. If you have a minute, I’ll tell you all about the real struggles…”

    So that’s my experience – anyone else want to share?

    1. seapartridge +3

      I really really want to! I got my license a couple of years ago, but I have never owned a motorcycle, so I’m TERRIBLY out of practice. And… I don’t really know how to get back into it? Like, ideally, I would just own a motorcycle so I could practice all the time and get comfortable with it, but I wouldn’t even really feel comfortable going to a place and test driving one. It’s been YEARS, and I only ever rode in a class setting. Any advice? Do they do like refresher courses, especially ones that let you drive on real roads?

      (also, yeah — I was one of two ladies in my class, and it was… odd? Like — we’re learning the same thing, dude, it’s not more impressive that I’m also learning it. And both of my motorcycle instructors were women. One was this tiny little petite lady with mom jeans and grey hair and glasses and a fanny pack and she was GREAT. Life goals.)

      1. noodge4lyfe +2

        Ha, well, I don’t know how good my advice would be… I just bought a bike based on reviews and specs, and I had never ridden before. Like, I had to have a friend ride it from the store to my house and then practice in the school yard across the street for a day, then take it around the block a few times, and then go further and further afield (disclaimer: in PA, we can get our permit without ever riding or showing motorcycle skills – it’s just a written test). So – I know in PA there are level 2 motorcycle safety courses that are free, bikes provided etc, that would probably be a good refresher, I would think other states have similar things? Otherwise, I am full-on supportive of you riding – then we could get cool “MYSANDREE” motorcycle gang jackets and be part of a super secret women’s motorcycle gang.

    2. vmartinipie +2

      I don’t have experience but am looking to buy and ride a motorcycle within the next few years, so I’m hopping on this thread. I am also very petite would love to know what kind of bike you have!

      1. noodge4lyfe +1

        I got a Sym Wolf classic 150: http://www.scooterdynasty.com/images/products/det…
        only 150cc, so it’s pretty light and manageable, almost like a scooter in motorcycle clothing. It’s got a small frame, so it doesn’t make me reach too much. When I’m stopped, depending on the grade of the road, I can either toe-touch both feet or have one flat, but I have a very short inseam (about 26″). I really recommend it.

        I think that if/when I’m ready to upgrade I’ll probably go Royal Enfield, but that’s a pipe dream right now. Maybe once I get my advanced nursing degree!

        1. vmartinipie +1

          Ahhh yes I have seen and gawked a few Syms and thought they’d be the perfect size but I’d love something with more power than 150cc…..but I should probably take it slow to begin with!

          1. noodge4lyfe +1

            I would LOVe a bit more power than 150cc, but it suits me just fine for now. This is my main commute mode right now, and it handles the city streets really well.
            Maybe a Honda Rebel? I’ve had discussions with the guys at the shop about bikes for small ladeez, and they said most bikes can be modded to fit just about any body – changing shocks can lower the frame of the bike, getting a thinner seat can also help bring you lower to the ground if that’s what you need.

    3. GlowCloud +1

      I think I’m going to get my license next summer! My fiance got his this year and it’s been a blast riding around on the back, but I also just wanna go real fast on my own. Also, I feel like it would be easier to pretend I’m an assassin/secret agent this way.

      1. noodge4lyfe +1

        ugh, there is something SO exhilarating about cornering on a swoopy road on a motorcycle, or revving up to speed, or really just about anything. I’ve ridden on the back, and ridden myself, and there is no comparison – definitely get your license!

        (I asked my new boyfran if he would ride on the back of my motorcycle when I ride and he said he would – that gives me such a ladyboner…)

  27. katiemcgillicuddy +5

    SPORTSSSSSSZZZZZ!!!!111111

    What’s that, you want to see incredible footage from the Senators winning the World Series in 1924 HERE YOU GO:
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/dc-sports-bog…

    I mean, wow. SEE YA LATER, GIANTS

    Orioles/Detroit start in about 4 minutes, Nats/Giants at 3, Cards/Dodgers at 630, and KC/LA at 9:30

    Meanwhile, In China, they are doing a musical about Stephon Marybury called, “I. Am. Marbury.” Starring Stephon Marbury. Just throwin that out there.

    As much as I want this to be a happy thread, I cannot ignore this: http://usatodayhss.com/2014/three-football-deaths…

    Hockey is days away!!! Basketball soon!!! Weeeeeeee!

    Now you guys fill in the blanks, I’m going to go turn on the game! Feel free to treat this as a Baseball Open Thread!

    1. sednarea51 +8

      HOW BOUT THEM OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’S!!!! AND them Nats! It’s just Baseball Time here in Murrland, and I am happy. This is making me want to follow baseball more in the regular season!

      1. runciblecat +2

        I usually just lurk on the open thread, but I came here specifically to say HOW ‘BOUT THEM O’S?!?!?!?

        This may be posting twice–sorry about that (but not really. Go O’s!)

    2. shinkickmorning +5

      WE’RE GODDAMN COCKROACHES IN THE PLAYOFFS.

      I am wearing my nicest black blazer and black jeans and NEON ORANGE Giants shirt today. I decided not to wear the matching sweatshirt out of kindness to my coworkers eyeballs.

      And I schedule a slightly custom shift at the local dog shelter tomorrow to make it home in time for game 2. Plus my Best Sister Ever cred is high because the big bro gets to go to the game on Monday and I’m just writhing in jealousy in Chicago. There need to be more San Francisco expat bars here besides Cheesie’s.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        YOU GUYS JUST WON’T DIE, I was nervous when you all kept matching the O’s last night and theeennnnn the 8th inning happened.

        ETA: Haha, wow, for a second I mixed you guys and Detroit up, my brain is overloaded on baseball

        1. shinkickmorning +1

          Not to say all Nats fans are bandwagoners or anything, but you know you’re playing Giants and that they are in the national league, right?

          (And that Detroit is a slightly different city than San Francisco)

          ETA: I have to say, there is a higher ratio of Orange in these playoffs than I’ve ever seen before. I think we’d have to have the new Marlins in to get the absolute max and well. The Marlins.

          1. katiemcgillicuddy +3

            Hi, I corrected it immediately, and it was a simple mistake that I made while trying to post and respond to people, I just wasn’t thinking, and I am definitely not a bandwagoner and I’m gonna leave it at that.

          2. shinkickmorning +1

            Sorry, didn’t mean to hit a sore spot! I meant it jokingly. I’m just getting super hyped and things like tone are falling to the wayside.

          4. shinkickmorning +1

            Like I said elsewhere, I just demand that this NLDS have the winner of the NLCS, too. (Thank the baseball gods that least one of the Dodgers/Cardinals unholy bifecta will be going home by next week).

          6. shinkickmorning +1

            hahahahahahahaha truth. I forgot about their redesign or just remembered it more yellow.

          7. blushingflower +2

            It is hard to keep things straight if you live in the Mid-Atlantic! It is not every year that you have teams to cheer for in both leagues’ playoffs!

    3. allofthewhine +2

      I have never been so happy to work from home than today. I am verrry anxious and not really pleased with the decision of Soriano over Detwiler. I am also very nervous that Bryce will get on base and then try to steal and get picked off because that’s what he does lately. But man I love baseball.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        Co-signing the decision to keep Soriano on over Detwiler. Here’s to hoping we’re wrong.

          1. bastardsnow +1

            They do. Even sadder bastardsnow. Thanks though! You’re doing… uh…the work of some kind of sports deity

    5. miprisci +2

      It’s just sad that Oregon’s magic uniforms couldn’t get it done against Arizona last night. I guess they might need to try a new uniform? Or more likely several new uniforms. The Oregon Ducks wither and die if people aren’t paying attention to them, it’s sad to say.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        I think you’re right about it being a question of needing new uniforms, when’s the last time those guys got new uniforms? Uniforms.

        ETA: Ah, your Suns fandom makes me assume you are also an Arizona fan?

        1. miprisci +1

          Actually, no! I am a Sun Devil, and therefore a sworn enemy of U of A. But we Arizonans stick together against the bigger, badder evils of the world. Mostly.

    6. rallisaurus +3

      I think I’m the only Nats fan on earth who is actually hostile to the Orioles Not like, Yankees level hostility, just like, they’re my ex, I don’t want good things to happen to them hostile. Sorry O’s fans! Let’s go NATS!

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +3

        I’m with you in the sense that I want it to turn into a real rivalry, but I think the best way for that to happen would be to meet them in the World Series, so therefore I am pulling for them right now. I also have a lot of lovely friends who are die-hards, who had to deal with shit baseball for a long time, and I think the O’s have such great fans, so that’s another part of why I will root for them UNTIL WE MAYBE SEE THEM IN THE END AND THEN YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FEEL THE HEAT OF MY HATRED FOR MILES

      2. shinkickmorning +4

        Well the AL is vastly inferior to the NL, so that’s as good a reason as any.

        sidebar: CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE PIRATES HAVING A PITCHING CHANGE BEFORE MADISON BUMGARNER BATTED THE OTHER NIGHT. I almost rolled off my couch in a fit of giggles.

    7. shinkickmorning +3

      THIS TINY CHILD SHOULD NOT LOOK SAD, FOR HIS GIANTS WILL STAY AND HE WILL GROW UP TO WEAR THEIR UNIFORM AND BE THE FIRST SHORTSTOP IN MLB *HISTORY* TO HIT A GRAND SLAM IN THE POST SEASON .

      I still can’t believe that’s a true fact btw.

      1. ksek +1

        Although his sister is not pictured, she would be permitted to look sad, for her brother helped a great deal toward knocking her boyfriend’s team out of the postseason.

        RIP Pirates.

    8. PunnyDreadful +3

      Where are you DC people watching the Nats game? I will be watching in my apartment with quiet intensity and a bottle of whiskey, as did my forefathers before me.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        I will be going back and forth between the living room and kitchen, depending on how things are going because I have some weird superstitions.

      2. blushingflower +1

        I do not have cable! And there does not seem to be an official way to watch online (though I see Katie has shared some options). So probably I will listen on the radio (aka my MLB app on my phone). And maybe boyfriend and I will try to find someplace to watch it tomorrow.
        N-A-T-S Nats Nats Nats!

        1. shinkickmorning +1

          Check to see if you can get the weirdo alternate angles on the app, and just choose the home plate high view. theoretically these cameras don’t have sound and that’s why it’s ok to show them but from that angle you can pick up the announcers. (Sadly, probably the FS1 guys, not good bay area boy Frank Paul)

    9. figtreecooking +3

      I know it is very wrong of me to want a third tit le in five years and I felt really guilty about squashing the Pirates, but team loyalty is apparently unshakeable so go Giants

        1. figtreecooking +2

          I mostly just feel bad about having to go through the Pirates and you guys to get it. Fuck LA and St Louis.

        1. figtreecooking +1

          Especially if it’s against the Angels. If it’s the Royals or the O’s I’m gonna feel even worse.

          1. katiemcgillicuddy +4

            Yeah it’s pretty hard to root against the O’s or KC (or the Bucs for that matter, hate seeing them go out that way). I’m just glad we can all agree that the Cards and Dodgers can go fuck themselves.

    10. shinkickmorning +2

      just loaded up MLB and saw “Detroit hits back to back homers” and really thought it was just an old headline from last night. Not that a repeat of last night is bad for the Orioles.

        1. shinkickmorning +3

          They certainly recovered! Of course now I’m off work but afraid to leave because the Giants are doing well. I’m serious when I say I have scars from 2002. Shouldn’t have gone to the Homecoming Dance until game 6 was over.

    11. roboticaquatic +1

      These playoffs are taking years off my life, and I don’t know what I’ll do if this next Royals game goes into extra innings. Might need to take a nap after dinner or something. But my love for how they play the game is unending and will carry me through.

    12. rkfire +2

      I’ll have you know that I missed this thread yesterday because I was sitting in a bar from noon-5:30 drinking and watching the Os and then the Nats. I’m cheering you guys on today as I make up my billable hours. 😀

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Haha, I had a feeling. I was wondering if maybe game 1 went so well you just never left Camden Yards.

  28. renjender +3

    New York Toast folk and people who are going to BinderCon in New York next weekend, we are having a reading and meetup a week from Saturday 10/11 at Henrietta Hudson (queermo bar!) to coincide with the conference (though we are not an official part of it). From “The Toast” we have me, Christina Tesoro and Kate Angus. We also have Jennifer Camper (fab cartoonist), Sissy Van Dyke, Kathie Bergquist and Dini Parayitam. This event should be a lot of fun and best of all it’s called “We Love The Toast” The Facebook invite is at https://www.facebook.com/events/894000037278708 Also we have room for an additional two readers. If anyone else who’s written for “The Toast” wants to join the bill, tweet @renjender . Oh and I’m the world’s biggest Roxane Gay superfan (and have photos to prove it) so I’m pretty psyched about “The Butter”.

    1. renjender +1

      P.S. The reading starts at 7 PM and is a short walk from the official BinderCon Happy Hour–which ends at 7.

  29. sednarea51 +31

    I am going to make apple and cheddar scones tomorrow and bring them to my friend’s house and then a bunch of us are going to sit around petting kitties and playing Settlers of Cataan together. All of this makes me very happy.

    2. testingwithfire +2

      That sounds absolutely wonderful – have a great time.

      I may be the proud owner of one or two new kitties soon – mulling the idea. Will post pix if it happens.

  30. winterbymorning +1

    Also, a Fallen London question for my fellow players:

    I hit 100 Persuasive and was eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Ambitious Barrister so that I could become A Person of Some Importance. Except when the Barrister arrived, she took me to Watchmaker’s Hill, and now I can’t progress with this storyline because I don’t have anywhere near 100 Dangerous. I don’t get it! Why the focus on Dangerous when it’s my lowest skill, instead of the one skill where I actually fulfill the criteria for A Person of Some Importance?

    (I am Vipsania Beauregard in the game; feel free to add me!)

    1. 1sic1 +3

      If I remember correctly, you have to actually hit 100 in all skills (with equipment, if necessary), or pay Nex.

      1. winterbymorning +1

        But in that case the Ambitious Barrister should have left me alone until then >(

        1. wallofillusion +1

          And here we see the reason I don’t actually like the Ambitious Barrister very much.

          A heads up: Unless things have changed drastically, you will also need a number of lodgings, connections, and/or nice clothes to progress after you’ve cleared the highway-stats-at-100 bar.

        2. craftalchemy +1

          I think it was built with the idea that people level all their stats roughly equally, and so levelling them all out to 100 in succession wouldn’t be too difficult. But of course they don’t.

          I didn’t mind the Ambitious Barrister plotline (tho, wow, the NPC in question is amazingly terrible) but if you did, write to Failbetter! In my experience they are super responsive to player feedback (I am that person who emails them about typos every few weeks) and after all, the only way they know if a critical mass of people are dissatisfied with something is if you tell them. Their email address is on the FL Help tab.

    2. thecaitd +2

      I am nowhere near 100 anything, but I just wanted to say hi, I am on Fallen London as Miss Winifred Fan!

    3. Bunburying +4

      It does seem a bit weird that you have to be good at society balls AND spider-killing. Maybe try posting in the Proteges and Patrons thread in the forum and see if anyone will tutor you in Dangerous?

      I have a completely unrelated question, if anyone knows! If you end up back in prison (because you were FRAMED, they got the wrong misandrist, etc.), does anything in the “Contraband” section actually get confiscated, or is that just flavor text? MY FRIEND is worried for her collection of street signs. 🙁

      1. 1sic1 +2

        Just flavor text! I have an impressive cache of diamonds, and would be quite put off if it was taken from me.

      1. craftalchemy +3

        This is Fallen London and it is the best game on the internet. Basically, in 1860 London was stolen by bats, down to a huge lightless cavern under the Earth. But nobody says ‘stolen’ any more. Why, it’s quiet down here, with the mushrooms and all that black water.

        (fallenlondon.com, for reference)

      2. Bunburying +1

        It is a super good browser game with excellent writing and a delightful setting that you should definitely try!

    5. spring chickens +2

      I am just in the 50s, so maybe this is obvious already, but it looks like it can really open some doors in terms of Personal Significance if you bribe your way into Slowcake’s Book of Who’s Who in the Bazaar.

      Or you have to even out your different skills. The game does force that — I had really been neglecting my Dangerous, and suddenly I got an infestation of cunning rats with dynamite in my own Lodgings! It was out-of-control — one of them even tried to kill me in my bed using chloroform and an ear drill. Though I sort of missed them once I had exterminated them all — we had a good time during truces playing croquet.

      p.s. i’m la colonelle chabert, if anyone else would like to get acquainted.

      1. winterbymorning +2

        So that’s who la colonelle is! What was in the box I sent you? It wasn’t rats, was it?

        1. spring chickens +1

          No, it was great! Several street signs of London, and some scraps. I’m ambition light finger, so they will surely come in handy, thanks!

    6. CNM

      Another FL player! My name is The Governess. I’m still pretty new to the game but really liking it.

    1. espritdelescalier +1

      I’m getting that book too and I am so excited! The Goodreads reviews are amazing.

  32. hugpunch +34

    Toast. I haven’t had a drink of booze in 18 months, so taking NyQuil – 10 percent alcohol – this week for this nasty cold I’m battling was really, really interesting.

    Like, kind of fun, but also I was like, “Why do I feel so weird, ahhhhh Ladyfriendfianceeperson you. are. so. pretty…” *blow my nose* So romantic.

    1. FreeRangeMenses +7

      **BIGSNIFF** “No, but really, you beautiful creature…” **blows nose** ”

      This is comparable to the time the vet gave me “kitty Valium” for a long car ride with my cat – I suspect the actual contents of the bottle were “kitty Ecstasy,” because she has NEVER loved me as much as she did then. High as an itty-bitty kite, she was.

      P.S. Feel better soon!

  33. seapartridge +2

    UGH my car got towed last night. I was so upset. I think they changed the street cleaning day…? I got a ticket for street cleaning a few weeks ago because I didn’t know about it, and it was DEFINITELY a Wednesday. My car got towed on a Thursday. Also, I assumed that they would be able to tell you where your car is, but nope! Just — “somewhere on this [mile long] street. Have fun!”

    It’s okay, but the money I have to pay in fines means that I will not be able to take the semi-spontaneous trip to Dublin I’d been planning to see my really good friend who’s abroad. I was doing very well with saving and I found a cheap flight and I was SO EXCITED, but I really didn’t have any extra room in my budget, so this (plus the COMPLETELY NOT LEGITIMATE ticket I got a few days ago, thanks DC!) means I can’t. And now I won’t get to see him until December. 🙁 🙁 🙁

    1. miprisci +3

      DC is the worst parking hell on the planet. Actual thing that happened to me: My vehicle was towed and impounded while I was on an extended trip, and then because I didn’t pay the fines in time, it was auctioned off and I lost it and never saw it again. Womp womp.

    2. shinkickmorning +1

      My neighborhood in chicago does stuff like “this side of the street is Wednesday, that side is Thursday” so it might be the same for you. But we get giant neon signs that warn us. If you park in a place not immediately near where you live, you might check to see if DC has a map of street cleaning schedules online, like Chicago does.

  34. bastardsnow +7

    N-A-T-S, NATS NATS NATS!!!

    I am super excited for the playoffs. My hometown Nationals are looking to destroy the competition, and they have my support. I should note my wife is also super excited, perhaps more than I am (probably more than I am) and it is a lot of fun. Though of course since we don’t have cable we can’t actually watch the games at the moment.

    Who do you favor in the playoffs, Toasties, and why is it the Nationals?

    Also, I think we’re going to try to see Gone Girl this weekend? It’s getting pretty good reviews, and honestly, Affleck is perfect to play this guy (unlike, say a certain Caped Crusader/World’s Greatest Detective, though being who I am I will likely see that trainwreck as well).

    1. katiemcgillicuddy +3

      LETS GO NATS, LET’S GO NATS (can’t watch the game you say, try atdhe.eu for free sports, not always great quality, but it’ll do)

      Scroll up to the Sports thread and there is a link to amaaazing footage from them winning the 1924 World Series (over the Giants, SUCK IT, GIANTS)

      1. shinkickmorning +2

        shouldn’t it be the Rangers fans taking solace in that? YOU’RE THE GODDAMN EXPOS

        1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

          We are not the goddamn Expos!!! (then why do I own an Expos shirt NEVERMIND UNIMPORTANT)

          1. shinkickmorning +2

            No, it’s good, Canada doesn’t need two teams anyway, you’ve done us all a service.

    2. allofthewhine +2

      It’s the Nationals because they are the best team in baseball and I lived in DC for many years and I love them all so much.

    3. shinkickmorning +2

      The Giants/Nats DS better be the source of the NL’s rep in the world series, because Cards and Dodgers are just UNACCEPTABLE.

      but I hope you choke and die spectacularly at the hands of my duct taped together line up! 😀

        1. shinkickmorning +2

          I might just dig a series of strategic holes around Chavez Ravine so the entirety of Dodgers Stadium collapses in on itself, so, I feel you.

    4. blushingflower +1

      Woo!
      I saw a pic on the Nationals Twitter of one of the Werth gnomes not far from my office, but it was gone by the time I got there 🙁

      I sent an email asking if I really needed to be in the 3:00 training/meeting I was invited to because I wanted to stay in my office and listen to the game.
      We were actually at the game on Sunday and saw the no-hitter and it was A-MAZING.

  36. ArsenioB_Ham +24

    OH similar: a woman had pulled the nose of her car into the crosswalk, so when I got the walk signal, I walked around the car, glowering at her pointedly the whole way. She ended up flipping me off! I felt a little bad, because we’ve all accidentally pulled up too far at crosswalks, but really, she should have slunked down in shame, not flipped me off.

  37. ArsenioB_Ham +2

    My fiancé washed one of my favorite sleeveless shirts and a button fell off, and when I asked him about it, he said, “Oh yeah, I saw that. It’s downstairs on the folding table [in the basement laundry room].” Oh, so, you figured you’d leave it there…?

    He is generally a good launderer of clothing/linens, but this was a rare misstep.

  38. AliasGrace +53

    Aaarghh Toasties I finally reactivated my online dating profile and literally the FIRST message I got was from some assclown criticizing my (short! gorgeous! new!) haircut. Verily, I cannot. *Takes to the sea*

    1. FreeRangeMenses +7

      If you send me your username, I will create a fake account (gender of your choosing) and lavish you with attention, and then secretly signal you so that you can politely dismiss me. Trust me, this will do well for you.

    3. Upsidedown_Cake +2

      The first online date I ever went on was with a guy with very poor boundaries who, while we were sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones, leaned over and kissed the razor burn on my thigh.

      It took me a very long time to get over that.

      The only reason I continued to have a profile on OKCupid was so that I could vet prospects for a friend who appears to be colorblind in the area of red flags (which she knows — she asked me to help). Sometime later I opened an email from OKC by mistake, and found myself reading a message from a man who was thanking me for reminding him how much he liked Katherine Hepburn in screwball comedies. Some years later, this regularly leads to lying in bed together watching old movies and eating Tibetan takeout.

      On the balance that seems like an acceptable recompense for that awful first OKCupid experience. However as my strategy involved ignoring all messages on OKC for more than a year, I am not sure it can be successfully replicated.

  39. sednarea51 +14

    hmmmmm. is anyone else having problems with comments not posting to the intended thread?

    1. msjinxie +3

      Yup! It’s weird, the first time I try to reply, the comment goes to the bottom as it’s own new thread, but if I try replying a second time, it works.

    2. allofthewhine +4

      Yes, Nicole said yesterday that it’s an IntenseDebate issue and not a the hyphen toast dot net issue, so there’s not much that can be done.

    6. blunderbusst +6

      Like doing Open Thread wasn’t already complicated, an act requiring a delicate and fastidious approach, a Sisyphean undertaking designed to delight or dismay according to one’s own need for conversation and completionism: now this new level of difficulty?!

      Why is there no Ralph Lauren ad for this almost sport, hmmm?

  40. ArsenioB_Ham +4

    I ALSO dyed my hair this week and it did not turn out as I expected (read: wanted).

    Actually, I PAID to have it dyed and it did not come out how I wanted and I am sad because I could have done a better job with a $10 box of hair color. I’m still considering my options.

    1. Angelan_ +2

      in my many hair colour changes over the years, I have learned one thing: never, never pay someone to dye your hair. If you do it yourself and hate it, you’re only $10 down! (I’ve never actually been happy with my hair when I got it done professionally, IDK maybe I’m bad at communicating or something).

      You should probably go tell them you don’t like it, but I could never actually bring myself to do that, even when someone dyed my roots grey and didn’t bother toning the rest of my hair I paid and smiled and went home and fixed it.

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +1

        I might re-dye it this weekend (or maybe later next week, since I feel like there’s STILL dye washing out of my hair from Tuesday). It’s just wrenching to have spent so many dollars on this just to cover over it. Then again, I am pretty miserable about it. I have not been wowed generally by this salon, so I don’t really think I’d be happy with the results if I asked them to fix it, so I probably will just do it myself and chalk things up as “life lesson learned.”

    2. rmless +1

      Dude, go make them fix it for you!
      That is what you pay for when you get a salon to do it. If you aren’t happy, go tell them and they will fix it for free (just tip the ppl if you think they did a good job this time).

      1. rmless +1

        Sorry-Just saw your follow up.
        I still say go try and make them fix it bc at the end of that if you still arent happy you can always just go for the box. But at least you will have given them a chance to make you less resentful.

  41. EllaAstor +4

    Alright! It’s a new month for me, and apparently I’m out of my bipolar funk that I’ve been in.

    Last week I asked the Open Thread about books that nurture creativity and write-i-ness, and I ordered the books today from Amazon. Will receive them next Tuesday, because I had to get them ASAP.

    But also, I’m signing up for creative writing classes at The Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis. For those who don’t know, The Loft is an alternate way for people to learn how to write or to write better, from actual authors (usually). I’ve taken some fiction basics, like characterization and setting. Now, I’m looking to branch out. I know I need to take a class on Revision because I’ve never actually edited my own writing before. Tomorrow, though, I’m taking a class called “The Art of Intimacy”, because I have some relationships in my stories that I don’t know how to write.

    But, on other classes, I’m not so sure. Some I obviously need to take but others are a bit puzzling. Like, there’s a paragraph writing class, as well as a sentence writing class.

    What other/kinds of classes are also essential for the amateur fiction writer and what kinds of classes can I pass up?

    After the Art of Intimacy, I’m taking an Art of Description class, as I seem to be having a problem writing uh how the landscapes and interiors of houses look in my stories … and these really seem like essentials.

    So excited for the first time in a few weeks! Mania is coming on, planning to enjoy it!!

    2. PunnyDreadful +1

      Still resentful you guys didn’t trek down to SPX*

      *Of course not, that’s a dumb thing to be mad about, nobody should visit DC in the summer.

        1. PunnyDreadful +8

          …I’m not used to having my unreasonable demands met so easily.

          *Turns to office* “Somebody bring me a goddamn espresso!”

  43. RoseCamelia +22

    I could not make up this stuff:

    The dinosaur I work for is upset because we cannot get a copy of an article from Local Newspaper the way it looked in the printed paper last week. The same article I found online is not sufficient. It does not show how it looked on the front page. The poor woman who answers the phone at Local Newspaper has explained at least twice that they do not keep paper copies. This upsets my Dinosaur. They’re doing it wrong.

    Our receptionist volunteered to pursue this article-on-original-newsprint for Dinosaur. When receptionist returned from her drive to Local Newspaper’s office with her copy of last week’s newspaper with Dinosaur’s article on the front page, she said, “This is so much better than that internet stuff.”

    Which part is better? The drive? The three people she asked to look for this physical artifact? The two hours it took them to find it?

    OK, maybe it’s better for people with so much free time in a full-time job. No one in my office has more than 15 hours of actual work each week. Who else has that, though? She probably imagines everyone works like she does. She’s never held any other job. Been here 35 years.

    Of course, Receptionist was intently using email the next time I saw her. Does she not know email is “internet stuff”?

    She must be so scared, to make that statement, “so much better than that internet stuff”. I can’t enjoy how amusing this all is for feeling sad for her.

    1. clarizard +5

      This happened to me with an New York Times cover that my boss requested! They refer you to a service for archival cover prints where they start at FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Why was the electronic version not enough???

    2. jlper +5

      Copy the text of the online text. Paste into Microsoft word. Format into columns. Justify type. Ta-da! Magic newspaper columns.

  44. paddlepickle +10

    May I whine please?

    I went on a date with a guy that seemed fantastic, we made out a lot and he promised he’d be in touch. He has not been in touch. I feel like I’ve hit a breaking point with this shit and just cannot go on ONE MORE DATE with someone who seems promising and then disappears off the face of the earth. It makes me feel disgusting and violated to have shared any kind of intimacy with someone who turns out not to give a tenth of a shit about me. I feel like if I’m going to continue dating, I have to wait to even kiss for like six dates, which is completely against all my instincts. Why are people so terrible? My go-to Ask Polly for this topic is not making me feel better for the first time and I really just want to give up. I don’t see any option between shutting myself off entirely and getting hurt over and over and over again. Does anyone have any idea how to get out of this miserable place?

    1. pamplemoussi +9

      That happened to be over and over and OVER again between the ages of 19 and 24. Like seriously, every single person I liked would pull this exact nonsense, sometimes after the first date, sometimes after we’d been hanging out for a few weeks. It was always the worst feeling and I remember feeling crazy and like there was something wrong with me. Maybe these people noticed my wrongness and realized they needed to get away from me as fast as possible, without telling me why they decided to never see me again.

      And then one day it just… stopped? I attribute it to a combination of my romantic luck changing and also getting slightly older. 28-year-old men seem way less likely to do this than 20-year-olds, miraculously!

      I’m sorry this keeps happening to you, and that the only advice I have is that it happened to me a lot, but it hasn’t in a while.

    2. RoseCamelia +15

      Take a break. A no-dating hiatus does not have to last long to be effective. Take up meeting new people again when you feel up to it.

    3. noodge4lyfe +9

      I’ve got numerous lady-friends going through similar situations. It’s tough. One of them did change how she approached first dates, and it helped her a bit? she decided to approach it a bit like an interview, mentally… a chance to find out what he’s made of and decide if she’s keen for another date where they may end up making out. And there were still flaky dudes who she didn’t hear from again, but at least there wasn’t this sense of misplaced intimacy, which is a serious fucking bummer – that feeling is the worst.
      I mean, if you wanna get your swerve on, then do it! but long-term intimacy may be more emotional than physical, and approaching your dating that way may cause a bit of a shift.

    4. lassotabasco +12

      Take a break! A dating hiatus! My friends and I call these periods Man Sobriety. A few months will go by and you’ll forget how terrible dudes are and then you can start again!

    5. winterbymorning +3

      I don’t have any advice beyond agreeing with “take a dating hiatus” – but I wanted to say I know how you feel 🙁 We decided a bit over a year ago to try the whole open marriage thing and in that year I’ve had this same situation happen again and again until I just gave up. People suck sometimes. I’m sorry you found out too late that they were not worth your time.

    6. eegghh +12

      Maybe reduce the level of intimacy that’s possible for you to have in the first few dates? Go on shorter, day time dates with ending times that you can’t get out of for the first few dates? I think its easier to have intimacy if you are in a dim bar late at night curled up in a booth or such, or if you go to a second location or a third and it goes on for hours.

      Also maybe pull back on the subject matter too, if that’s part of it. When you said “Wait to kiss for six dates” “goes completely against my instincts”- maybe that’s a good sign of what you should do differently? I’m guessing your instincts want a razzle dazzle first date where you go home already half in love. And I have had those, and sometimes they go somewhere good, but sometimes they’re also such a let down.

      I don’t want to suggest you are doing it wrong or anything, because people make it seem like dating is a math problem with a secret trick you can figure out and then replicate the same way, and it’s not at all. But sometimes there’s a hint of your own pattern or your own approach that maybe is not working for you. If you know that your brain latches on and gets attached under conditions of instant intimacy, maybe you can scale it back. Don’t kiss till date 2 or 3? Don’t do an evening date unless the other person sets it up and it’s date 3. That sort of thing. Sweeping off the feet can still happen a bit later on, but maybe don’t rely too much on exact instant chemistry as an indicator of reliability.

      1. paddlepickle +9

        Ahhh. I think you just hit it on the nose. A few other people suggested limiting it to coffee and my reaction that is kinda like ‘ugh that sounds awkward and boring’, but that in itself might be really telling about my expectations. I totally want razzle dazzle first dates where we just end up together immediately afterwards. This dude had actually suggested coffee and I redirected him towards drinks! You are smart, eegghh.

        1. eegghh +11

          You probably have a good imagination and a love of love. I know all about being that type of person. I’ll bet you are charming enough that you make a date razzle dazzley, and then when they flake it’s because they’re just not good enough, but you think, what happened it was so great!?

          The trouble is while you were there tap dancing away, they get pulled into it too and believed it only long enough to contribute to one hot date. You have to pull back a little farther- keep everything out of focus for a bit. I’m working on this myself- avoiding fantasy castles built out of a few interactions with someone. I also know that when i start dating again, I have to make sure I keep the bar SUPER high because I’m happy to be charmed by a lot of men, and then I end up in a 3 year long thing that goes nowhere because they never were quite right enough to start out.

  45. queenofbithynia +61

    today is a great day. I have found the greatest thing I ever wrote. [1] I thought it was gone years ago but it was only hiding. my juvenilia [2] survives, future scholars are very excited.

    [1] here’s some of it:

    ***


    “You dasn’t!” he gasped. Appealing to his father, he cried, “He dasn’t — dast he?”

    But indeed he had dast.

    ***

    [2] I was but a child of twenty-six or -seven. how precocious I was!

      1. queenofbithynia +25

        yes I durst write that. A-plus would dast again if I say so myself.

        elsewhere ‘”D—n and bl–st!” proclaimed the juvenile member of the family’ so he was a pretty dasting sort all around

    2. ladyimogen +18

      “But indeed he had dast.” is now one of my favorite sentences of all time. Thank you.

      1. queenofbithynia +13

        nooo it has a lot of less than good parts I have to fix up before I shop it around to be a best-seller. plus you must understand this was originally a collaborative project with a couple of other people who were never I think quite as enthused about the whole georgette heyer/pirates of the caribbean pastiche concept as I was, they never really got into the essential dumbness of it all quite the way I did. such as:

        “Lud, sir!” uttered his younger lordship, with a fine sneer upon his fine features. “If I wish to marry a shameless baggage I don’t see that you have anything to say about it! I reckon you would have seen things my way once!” he sniveled drearily, “when you was young and slim and lithe like what I am, and not old and dried-up like what you are!”

        “THERE WILL BE NO RECKONING IN MY HOUSE,” exploded his paternal parent.

        And it cuts off right when he runs off to the docks to get press-ganged, I never wrote that part.

        1. Upsidedown_Cake +3

          I cast my heart at your feet, madam. How could one not be enchanted with Georgette Heyer + [almost anything else] pastiche? How did these low people miss the spark of genius?

          1. queenofbithynia +11

            no, they were also great geniuses! They just had literary horizons that extended beyond twelve pages of Egads, he ejaculated . whereas I can do this all day. such as

            “She made me free of the Mother of All Saints! he chortled lewdly.

            “You mean — ” ventured his shy companion.

            “The Crinkum-Crankum!”

            “You mean — ”

            “Aye, the very Monosyllable!”

            “You mean,” Sandy ventured, wishing to seem worldly, “the Mossy Face, the lady’s Commodity– Eve’s Custom-House”

            But at this his friend’s face darkened with rage. “You go too far, sir!” he exclaimed, and strode from the room, greatly offended by Sandy’s vulgarity.

            “O dear I have said the wrong thing again” Sandy bethought himself, still no closer to knowing how to join a game of pully-hawly, the balum rancum, or, least of all, rantum scantum.

            there, and I haven’t even finished my coffee yet. this is what I was born for.

  46. EdgarAllanPoBoy +13

    I emailed a much beloved college professor for a recommendation letter for graduate school. She remembered me (which is beyond flattering) and we’ve exchanged pleasant, humorous emails through this week. It’s been a big happiness boost and she’s the catalyst for me to get pen back to paper (which is beyond terrifying).
    Who is someone you’re glad you’ve gotten back in touch with?

    1. clarizard +3

      That’s great! I need to initiate this communication with two old professors and am terrified.. glad it went so well for you and that you are receiving positive vibes/ creativity from the interaction!

    2. RoseCamelia +20

      While in San Francisco week before last, I connected with a long lost uncle. My family treated him very badly just because he’s gay, so he disappeared. I don’t blame him for that, but I missed him. Had not seen him since the 1980s. I sent a letter to an address I found online that I assumed was out-of-date and HE CALLED ME! I met his partner of 28 years (!) and we 3 had a lovely lunch. I did not smear my mascara, but not for lack of trying on the part of my tear ducts.

      2. OliviaPJones +3

        This is the best story and I want to buy all of you hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows.

    3. jimmyjimjimjim +1

      I’ve been back in touch with my longterm ex-ldr/best friend and r the last month. We’ve known each other for a decade or so and sort of faded in and out of communication a dozen times in that period.

      I don’t have any friends here in Austin so its nice to have some one besides my brother to talk to again.

      She also represent the entirety of my emotional support network which hasn’t.been necessary so far but its still comforting to know thats there.

  47. her_again +14

    Toast De-Lurking Time!

    On the last couple of open threads there have been several Toasties who have recently relocated to Chicago. COUNT ME AMONG YOUR NUMBER. I love it here, and am in deep, deep denial about the whole ‘winter’ thing that is apparently approaching.

    Also on Toast recommendation, last night I finished re-reading Rebecca (during a thunderstorm, no less). Chills, chills down my spine. It’s so timelessly great. I love English novels where everyone is constantly, painfully polite to each other, and there are long descriptions of gardens in summer and multi-course luncheons overseen by inscrutable butlers.

    Anyway, hello Toast! So nice to be here!

        1. systemed7 +1

          Saturday, November 1, Rogers Park Social, 6:00 pm ish to 10:00 pm ish. Right off the Morse stop on the Red Line.

    4. EdgarAllanPoBoy +3

      Hello Fellow Chicagoan. Don’t worry about winter; it’s in intricate lie we all participate in to keep people away when February suddenly turns into a tropical paradise (I am lying).

      After the Rebecca post, I found the entire Hitchcock film on YouTube! I recommend it, but will always love the book more.

  48. miprisci +108

    Don’t think I’ve commented in an Open Thread since the proposal, but in case anyone was curious, all went according to plan and now I am affianced to my favorite person on the planet. So that’s a big win. Hooray!

  49. RoseCamelia +3

    I do henna for four hours and get glorious bright orange where my scalp was producing scattered white hairs. I love the effect against the darker auburn I get on the mostly mousy brown stuff. Only four hours. I don’t think you have to suffer all night with the henna, if you want to avoid that.

    ETA: Supposed to be a reply to CleverManka’s hair dying comment.

  50. Frumiosa +6

    Toast friends. Tonight/tomorrow is Yom Kippur, and thus I’m having my annual anxiety attack over the fact that I’m not remotely justifying my existence. Or a famous writer yet. Or serving a greater cause. Time is creeping by and I still haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to be doing here.

    1. RoseCamelia +23

      Part of your mission is complete: you are a vital part of The Toast Commentariat. You are valuable as-is.

    2. dakimel +6

      Yom Kippur is just doing its job. You’re great. Write 100+ words a day for the next week to prove that you are as natural a talent as you know yourself to be, and then when the panic subsides, sign up for some holiday/Thanksgiving mitzvah project.

  52. catoclock +15

    Boyfriend and I are DOGSITTING for TEN DAYS and I’m soooooo excited. Our cat is extremely sad.

    1. thisclimbingbean +1

      Woohoo! Dogsitting is such fun!

      The cat will tolerate it, but depending on the severity of the sulk, you may need to do some serious sucking up once the dog is gone 🙂

  53. thecaitd +3

    NYC tea party this Sunday 1:30 at Gantry Plaza park!

    Things that will probably be involved: tweed, scarves, scones, knitting, mystery novels, fabulous views of Manhattan, and whatever else we feel like!

  54. systemed7 +7

    Chicago Toastie Meetup! November 1, 6:00 pm-ish – 10:00 pm. Rogers Park Social on Glenwood Ave., near the Morse stop on the Red Line. Put it on your calendar!

  55. ipomoea +8

    The Heir has been sick for a week, yesterday the Spare got it and today it’s fully-fledged in me. We are all miserable and I can’t even take a sick day because LOL like it’s going to be relaxing or reviving to stay home with two sick kids three and under.

    1. laurenipsum +1

      Ah, I just figured out why the Spare is called that! I knew there must’ve been a naming convention I hadn’t picked up on yet. I like it! 🙂

  56. ppyajunebug +23

    UNLURKING to wish those who need it to have an easy fast and a meaningful Yom Kippur.

    I will be off repenting all my sins except MISANDRY because lbr, G-d gets where we’re coming from on that one these days.

    1. rhymeswitheight +7

      Religiously motivated misandry might help balance out some of the long tradition of religiously motivated misogyny, right? (She says as a lapsed Catholic.) I hope that you have an easy fast and meaningful Yom Kippur as well.

    2. dakimel +3

      Thanks! We are… shamelessly skipping the fast. though we’ll be out in force to gobble up stuff at break-the-fast after services. It’s my own, callous version of being Reform.

      Hope your fast is good & your reflections helpful and ultimately freeing.

  57. Site_for_Soris +6

    I love Love LOVE fall in Chicago and I hope it lasts a good solid 3+ months.

    It is grey and rainy today which means I am not fully awake, but still at work and indulging in a toasted marshmallow latte. In health news, it turns out my placenta is exactly where it’s supposed to be (which I was worried it wasn’t).
    I kept having dreams last night that my due date was TODAY (it is in 7 weeks) and it was like an anxiety dream where everyone at work kept asking me when I was due and I was like RIGHT NOW.

    For museumy folks, just read this today http://futureofmuseums.blogspot.com/2014/09/the-m…
    (and the follow up http://futureofmuseums.blogspot.com/2014/09/what-… which were both really good food for thought and helpful for me to know I am not alone in thinking these things, but ultimately depressing and make me feel like I need a new job…

  58. Joyous_ness +10

    Friends, I saw Sir Elton John in concert last night and it was as wonderful as I have always dreamed! That’s my joy for the week. What’s your joy this week?

    2. Allpha7 +2

      My joy this week is my cup of hot chun mee green tea. I wish there was more joy (Sir Elton John levels), but right here, right now, this tea is pretty damn good. I’m glad that you got to see him!

    3. Beakses +1

      I am going to an all women’s judo tournament this weekend and am very excited for some girl power judo awesomeness!

  59. elsajeni +9

    Yeah, I don’t worry about this as much at crosswalks, but I will never ever cross, like, a driveway or a parking-lot outlet unless I’ve made eye contact with any drivers who are approaching or waiting to pull out.

  61. 1sic1 +13

    ToastPost post!
    My first postcards are getting mailed off tomorrow: 4 Toastrons in the US and 1 in Canada should be on the lookout for a red envelope next week.

    2. 1sic1 +2

      I decided to go with Mystery Book Recs: a snippet of some of my favorite novels/short stories. And something for the fridge.

    3. MilesofMountain +4

      How do people feel about non-postcards for the postcard exchange? All the postcards for my town are stupid but there are some very cool cards with lovely photographs of the area available.

    4. HotDoom +1

      Yes! I got three out this week, two to the US and 1 to Canadia. The next round will hopefully be unleashed this weekend!

    5. onewhitetulip +1

      Dooooeeesss anyone know if sending a postcard to the UK from the US requires something other than several hopeful forever stamps? I tried to google it but everything said GO TO THE POST OFFICE and I loathe going to the post office.

      1. seapartridge +3

        I do, actually! I just went to the post office to ask this question. You need $1.15 stamps (not forever stamps) for anything international. At the one I went to, they gave me three mini-books of $1.00, $0.10, and $0.5 stamps and told me to use one of each.

        1. elsamac +2

          Yup, for my postcard from the US to the UK, I slapped on 3 Forever stamps, showed it to a postal worker, and she agreed that my postage was… perhaps overenthusiastic, but fine.

      3. bocadelperro +3

        International post under 1 oz is $1.15. You can now get global forever stamps from the US post office as well–they’re shaped like a globe and cost 1.15 (of course).

        I sent out my postcards on Monday. Four in the states and one to India. I hope they get there soon!

        1. elsajeni +1

          I (in Houston) got your postcard on Friday! Since you asked. (It took me all weekend to figure out how to find you on the Toast, for some reason intensedebate kept claiming that no one existed. Get it together intensedebate.)

          1. bocadelperro +1

            yayayayay. Thanks for telling me you got it! I hope you enjoyed it. It’s interesting (to me) that postcards appear to take longer than letters.

    6. practical cat +5

      YAY! I sent four out this week and the fifth will probably go out Monday. I already received one and it’s great. It’s an image of a giant cat that looks just like my cat and I held it up to her and said “that’s you!” and she sniffed at it appreciatively.

      1. rebeccacsjanzen +1

        in case she didn’t read it – I got one this week from boca del perro. It was lurvely.

        1. turanga_leela +1

          I got your card with the picture of Saskatchewan. It is lovely and is sitting in the window behind my computer. Thanks!

    7. dakimel +1

      I got one yesterday & one today & I ADORE THEM & will be getting in gear to send some out once I give myself another lecture about how my handwriting doesn’t HAVE to be the sloppiest slop that ever slopped.

    8. laurenipsum +1

      I sent mine this week! I am tickled with the cards I found and hope you all enjoy them toooo

    9. jenavira +3

      aaaah I am excited to send my cards out but also have horrible writer’s block as to what to actually put on them. I shall have to do some brainstorming this weekend.

    10. isabellebleu +1

      ToastPost! Sounds wonderful! How can a latecomer find out about this excellent idea/invite themself hopefully to your party, good stationery in hand?

  62. aravisthequeen +2

    Are there any Halifax Toasties? I may or may not be travelling to your fair area the week of the 20th and I would be up for a meeting maybe the evening of Thursday the 23rd?

  63. PonyAlong +16

    Okay, I’m terrible at keeping surprises so….on Monday, I mailed my first five Toastie postcards! All are hand drawn/inked originals (one is a collage using vintage advertising and illustration) by yours truly, and I had a ton of fun making them! To Dakimel (did I mention I’m terrible at zipping my lip?) I’d appreciate a critique of your card: “HEY MONA!” is the Mona Lisa as an household advice columnist and if it’s any good, I might turn it into a series. At least, I think it was you; I forgot who got what, now that I think hard about it. Oh, and someone else (hmmmm….I’m thinking peabody?) got the Mona Lisa as a career guidance counsellor.

    Critiques are welcome for all the cards (somebody got a groan inducing bird joke, another a dismissive mermaid and…frig, I can’t remember the fifth image…oh yeah, a literal interpretation of a movie title). Happy mailings, everyone!

      1. CleverManka +4

        I sent mine out Wednesday. Rubber-stamped and colored with various pens/crayons. Postcards are all from a Tachen military-themed pin-ups book.

        1. dakimel +1

          I totally scored with Toast Post, cause I get PonyAlong’s Mona Lisa soon, and today I got your “Sleepy-time Girl” pinup with gorgeous CleverManka artwork.

          Also, that stamp is the best stamp that ever stamped. Except possibly for the stamp on the other Toast Postcard I got this week, which is Bellatrix Lestrange. (I am bummed bc that senders handle was covered by the bar code. Victoria, if you’re reading this, your stamp – and card – are much appreciated!)

          My stupid forever flowers are hanging their stamens in shame at the stamp game from the Toast.

          1. CleverManka +2

            YAY! So glad you liked the rubber stamps. The hands I got in the dollar bin at Michael’s, and the heart I bought on Etsy.

          2. vpratt +2

            Yay! I’m glad you liked it- I was very excited to discover I still had a Bellatrix stamp.

        1. deleted2997279 +5

          I did too! Mine are not at all fancy and, as far as I’ve heard, they’re still beloved, so I’m sure you’re fine 🙂

      3. PonyAlong +3

        I’m pretty revved for the next mailings! Creating those postcards is like giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to my artistic/creative brain.

        Sent from my iPad

      1. PonyAlong +1

        Awwwwww…you guuuys…. (Hangs head, smiles, twists one foot into ground)…! Toasties are THE BEST!

        Sent from my iPad

    4. dakimel +1

      JUMPING WITH GLEE! I’m terribly excited! It hasn’t arrived yet, but it sounds superb.

      Toast Post is the best. Your critique is forthcoming, but the pre-arrival buzz is very positive.

  64. iambabycakes +2

    TOASTIES! UNREQUITED LOVE! HELP!!!!

    So: I fell for this guy really, really hard (like upon first meeting) but shortly thereafter learned he has a girlfriend. We worked together on a creative project and really, really hit it off as friends–we’ve hung out just the two of us twice. I like, really, really, really, really am head over heels for this dude, in every capacity, like can’t-stop-talking-about-it-can’t-stop-thinking-about-it. We’re young (22), and he and the girlfriend have been dating for >6 months, so it’s not like I’m feeling this way about someone’s husband, but I still feel kind of…skeevy and dishonest when I hang out with him, because as much as I’m hyperconscious of not being flirtatious or inappropriate, my feelings for him are so strong that I know I’m a big giggly idiot whenever I’m around him. Then, on a broader note: feeling this way is fun, but SO AGONIZING! I haven’t felt this way since high school, and I’m having a hard time just like…dealing with the size of the feelings! I feel kind of crazy, dudes!

    So, smartest ladies in the world: how have you dealt with insane unrequited he-has-a-girlfriend love? What made it better, or worse? What would you tell your past self to do? What would you tell my current self to do? Should I try not to see him, or is it OK to try and be friends!? HELP!

    1. anninyn +17

      hard as it is, I’d try to cut the amount of time I spent with him to start with. You’re feeling skeevy and dishonest and that isn’t good for you.

      In the meantime try to remind yourself that he is a human being, and therefore he poops, and does really stinky farts and picks his nose and eats it. Try to focus on all those disgusting human things until the love goes away

    2. BourneApprox +7

      Either spend less time with him, or find something about him which irritates you and focus the hell on that. (Lacking a discernible flaw, do as Owl Queen suggests and imagine him pooping!)

    3. eegghh +12

      Ride it out and do not hang out one on one. There’s a crush chemical stew that your brain is feeding you, and that’s what the feeling crazy is about. It doesn’t last forever, people stop being super swoony even in the very best of relationships in 6 months tops. As an old cynical lady, I’d say enjoy the sensation, try not to project him into a perfect person or create overly elaborate fantasies about how perfect he’d be. Like everyone else says, he is a gross human like us all and there’s probably tons of annoying things he does too.

      As far as enjoying it, stop thinking “I’m in love!” and start thinking, “ahh I have a huge crush!” Crushes are what you have when the other person isn’t involved in it. And you are free to have as many crushes as you like. They’re more fun because they’re low stakes. Then its like, “oooh I’m going to see my crush today! Ooh he’s cute!” without the , “lets have babies! and meet each others families” part. You just say, “wheee this is my crush that I would NEVER ACT ON, WHAT FUN.” Thats how I feel about several guys and once you stop seeing them as real possibilities it stays very nice.

  65. thecaitd +3

    I have been in the mood to revisit Daring Greatly this week, so if anyone wants to chat about Brene Brown, I am here for it.

    1. donkeywork +1

      I still want to read that! Will try to find you for belated chat if I ever get my act together.

    1. Samk12345 +1

      I’m jealous of all the good food you have access to! Hoping to make it there this year.

    2. spoboebot3000 +2

      OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG another Charleston Toastie!!!!!!!

      YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      *ahem*
      Greetings fellow geographically close Toasteron. I am verra pleased to make your acquaintance.

      1. bibliobotic +1

        OH MY GOD, I asked this question and then promptly got really drunk on my couch with my dog, and forgot to come check for any replies. I AM CLASSY.

        But hello! Yay, Charleston Toasties!

  67. clarizard +9

    Toast! I’ve missed the last few open threads, just here to say that I appreciate all your voices very much.

    Thanks toa FORTUITOUS TOAST/’PIN CONNECTION (Hi Miriam if you are on here anywhere!) I got to read Tooth & Claw by Jo Walton this week, which is Trollope except about dragons who consume their deceased family members for strength and social position, IT WAS INCREDIBLE you should all read it if you have not.

  68. socallmeshirley +3

    Good morning literary Bay Area people!

    My sister is starting to host a book club at the wonderful little downtown Oakland bookstore Wolfman General Interest Small Bookstore, mostly focusing on short fiction by female authors. To kick off the club and get into the Halloween spirit, we are starting with Shirley Jackson’s We Have Always Lived in the Castle.

    More details are at the link below, and we would love to meet some Toast-types while discussing some spooky fiction over some wine! Please join us!
    https://www.facebook.com/events/1509182155987091/

  69. threatqualitypress +5

    Oh my goodness My wife has been feeding this stray cat that comes by our house every day for like, two years. This cat has been through Polar Vortex and hurricanes and everything, my wife was convinced that the cat would make it through the winter.

    Yesterday, I get up in the morning and find the cat is dead by the side of the road, ten feet from our driveway. I don’t want my wife to see it, because she is already stressed out and upset about a bunch of other things, so I had to wrap it up in plastic and throw it in the trash.

    This has also made me very upset (I mean, I wasn’t friends with the cat or anything, but she came to my house for two years, you get to be friendly when that happens), and I am just real stressed out about it, and I am waiting like I’ve got the sword of fucking damocles hanging over me for my wife to say, “Oh, I wonder what happened to that stray cat?”

    ugggh

    2. msjinxie +17

      I think you should ahead and tell her what happened – it’ll be on your mind otherwise and if you’re anything like me you’ll eventually break down and just blurt it out at a REALLY inappropriate time instead, if you try to hold it in.

      1. threatqualitypress +4

        Yeah, I know.  Not this weekend, though; we got a show opening tonight, and that is hard enough when you’re not upset over a dead cat.

    3. BourneApprox +7

      No advice, beyond to tell her before she asks you. But I just wanted to send lots of sympathy and good thoughts, because that is completely heartbreaking.

    1. msjinxie +41

      I was going to delete this since it was meant to be a reply to queenmondegreen’s wedding horror stories, but I kind of like it sitting down here on it’s own, randomly. It’s been a “holy shit” kind of week anyway.

      1. winterbymorning +16

        Please don’t delete it, I’ve been giggling to myself for the past few minutes over the random “Holy shit!” in the middle of the thread.

  71. loren_smith +7

    Personal finance thread!

    We finallllllly managed to get tickets to the wedding we will be attending on Maui in February. We were struggling to find a way to make Hawaii feel amendable to our frugal ways, and after two points-based plans fell through, my husband managed to secure a third! $66 round trip tickets for two, plus some nearly forgotten Aeroplan points, plus sleeping in SEATAC one night, plus a two day layover in Honolulu. What stupid things are you doing to save a buck?

    1. super_novice +1

      I skipped brunch this morning with a bunch of friends because it wasn’t in the budget. I feel a little bit sad about it but mostly just pleased I didn’t have to go and just have coffee and feel weird about explaining why I wasn’t getting food. I’m in a mode I call budget lockdown right now which means I am not allowed to buy anything but groceries. It’s been two weeks and I am starting to feel a little bit better about my finances.

    2. paperbgprincess +4

      Check out sleepinginairports.net — people post the best places to sleep. The best I found was a DELIGHTFUL sleeping area in the Minneapolis airport!

    3. jimmyjimjimjim +2

      Well I can now change the ignition lock cylinder on a 88 Mazda. So that’s one more bit of car repair I can lay claim too.

      In general September finances sucked. 5 new tires, a lock cylinder, a traffic ticket, some various other crap and because I work 7 days a week, unpaid time off to deal with it. I still managed to end the month a couple hundred up but mostly I’m just glad its done.

    4. leaping_rabbit +3

      September went really well! I had a really solid weekend gig, so I ended up earning about $600 more than usual.

      I also decided to stop drinking for a while, possibly forever, so I’m already racking up savings from that.

    5. sednarea51 +1

      Goddamn, you all, that’s awesome! Enjoy your incredible trip!

      Nothing new here, although I’m registering for the second semester of my class soon, and I’m sadly waving goodbye to most of my (admittedly tiny) savings account to pay for it. Bye savings. 🙁 BUT. It’s better than throwing another couple hundred bucks on the credit card bill.

    6. lassotabasco +1

      September was bad but I have high hopes for October, although I just found out that I have to get new tires before winter, which :(. Next month will be bad too because I am going to ISTANBUL (!!!!) but I have determined to live for the rest of my life in austerity to make up for it. At least, until Spring.

    7. ramina +1

      September ended in the negative for me, unfortunately. I have sincerely kicked myself in the ass, though, and am going into lockdown mode. I also was recommended this fantastic site – ReadyForZero.com – and it is telling me what I need to pay and when to get my credit card paid off by next April. I am so excited. I just…I need to start all over again, and it’s so hard.

    8. highjump +1

      I found you! I was/am having comment issues. $66 is really cheap, I would probably sleep in SEATAC for that. I have slept in Gatwick and in the Rome airport. Would do Gatwick again but Rome was terrible. A 2 day layover in Honolulu just means you get to spend two days in Honolulu instead of at home or wherever your ultimate destination is, right? I’ve never been anywhere in HI, I would take Honolulu!

      The stupidest things I do to save money are healthcare related (though that isn’t totally about money, it is not a pleasant experience) like putting off dental visits.

      I am trying to decide on where I should travel for 2015. I’m on the hook for events in Indianapolis and Minneapolis already. I really want to be able to afford Europe, maybe fall 2015. Germany? Benelux? Balkans?

    9. jenavira +1

      Moving has put me severely in the red, so October really ought to be a no-spend month, except I keep finding things that I’ve apparently been mooching off my roommates for for years. Like pans. All my pans are shit. If I want to make dinner tonight, I have to stop at Target on the way home and buy a pan first.

      On the plus side, I learned to use the broiler in my new oven so I can avoid buying a toaster oven until someone can give me one for Christmas.

  72. paddlepickle +5

    Ha, I can tell I’m in a really bad place about this because my reaction was “I’m 27 so this must mean something REALLY IS wrong with me!” This has been happening to me since I was 19 and it’s getting worse, somehow. In the past year I have literally not had one second date.And I feel like a lot of my female friends who have had similar experiences are starting to pair up, making me feel more and more like I’m actually the odd one out who is never going to find someone. Thank you for sharing, though. Maybe in NYC they stop doing it at an older age.

    1. pamplemoussi +1

      Haaaa noooo that was not my intention!

      I agree that it may be a NYC thing to do it longer. Oh! Also I think I got a little hardened and bitter and stayed away from dating for a while, so I agree that a dating hiatus might be nice.

    2. ach_so +1

      I think dating in NYC is particularly rough. I don’t have any advice, just commiseration.

    3. spring chickens +1

      NYC is a notoriously flighty/fly-by-night/difficult dating scene, actually. So it’s that, too, and bad luck — I’m SURE it’s not you.

  73. highjump +17

    Posting from my phone bc display issues in browser (anyone else?)

    Personal finance thread? Toasties, I HAVE A POSITIVE NET WORTH. Finally. And my student loan debt is so close to being a number that starts with a 3 & not a 4!

    Personal spending, meh. About average for me but can always be reduced. Two pints of Jenis ice cream was probably not necessary.

  74. projectbeks +8

    This is awesome. Every time I see anyone jogging/running (except packs of people, because they are kind of terrifying when they’re all running at you in a horde), I just want to cheer. “Yay! Look at you, running/jogging! You’re great! Go you!”
    I never do, because that’s probably creepy, but seeing people exercising makes me happy and I have no idea why. Probably because it’s such an inner battle to get my own butt out the door, so I just assume the struggle is real for everyone.
    ETA – This was in response to liminalist’s post about being a badass and confronting an awful person while jogging.

  75. winterbymorning +6

    Oh! And I got my Toast Post correspondents! I will write up the first batch of cards/letters this weekend. I can’t promise they’ll be interesting, but there WILL be stickers!

    1. deleted2997279 +2

      From what I’ve heard, Toasties are BIG FANS of stickers, and postcards, so it looks like you’re good to go!

    5. lindackerite +1

      This is gorgeous! I scared of heights but a hot air balloon sounds like it would be so fantastic that I’d risk being scared out of my mind part of the time.

    6. revengeofpompom +1

      I love the Balloon Fiesta!! When I lived in ABQ, one year my mom came to visit and we got up pre-dawn and headed over — it was *so beautiful* to see all those hot air balloons lit up in the dark.

  78. rolotomassi5 +2

    Confession time: I didn’t like Wolf In White Van. It wasn’t terrible, it was just boring. It was short and I read it pretty fast but it just didn’t do anything for me at all. Am I alone in this?

    Now reading some Jennifer Egan short stories and Inherent Vice before the movie comes out.

  79. paddlepickle +4

    I feel like taking a break forever, honestly. I know that I need to work on having a vision of a life alone that makes me happy and taking a break from dating can help with that, but when I’ve done it before I end up just feeling like. . .OK I didn’t try for awhile and then I went back out there to start getting stomped on again. Is there a more productive way to take a break? I’ve heard of the ‘dating yourself’ thing, but. . .idk.

  80. Girl Named Jack +18

    I got mansplained this week on FB. About the difference between combat and leveling mechanics in Oblivion and Skyrim. This, after I had been quoting dialogue from an obscure quest line. Dude, I think I know how the games work. I’ve played them each a billion times.

    I just let it hang out in space for everyone to see. I wanted to frame it, it was such a perfect mansplain.

    1. m98widow +8

      Ban all men.

      The gamertag of one of my strikemates in Destiny was PhuckMyCok. This is why I don’t talk to people in game – I refuse to address someone as PhuckMyCok. I also had another strikemate repeatedly run into an electric fence and kill himself, and then repeatedly fling himself off of a cliff. What.

      1. Girl Named Jack +11

        I thank the stars that I have no interest in co-op gaming or MMOs. Because if that was something I actually wanted to do, and I had to put up with PhuckMyCok, I would take to the sea.

        Although, I guess playing Skyrim alone, in my own living room, with no one around, IS my version of taking to sea, so.

    3. Goomaly +5

      I seem to have the sort of personality that comes across as “real gamer girl”. I don’t know how or why. Maybe it’s because I’m good enough without being better than most of them. Or maybe because I have invented some pretty creative swears?

      I feel lucky.

      In conclusion, let’s have a misandry gaming club.

          1. BourneApprox +2

            I really need to make a Toast Steam group at some point… (Or maybe we can just keep a running curated list of Misandrist Games and compare notes / make updates here every Friday?)

    4. super_novice +11

      Today I – a bisexual woman – got mansplained regarding the difference between flirting with men and flirting with women. This, from a straight man. He informed me I was incorrect that it just feels different to be flirting with a girl or flirting with a guy, because it all just comes down to chemistry. MEN ARE THE WORST.

  81. merrite +4

    I forgot my wallet at home today so I have no lunch, and I spent last weekend/the beginning of this week having hella antidepressant-withdrawal symptoms, so this week was a bust. ON TO NEXT WEEK.

  82. msjinxie +1

    Heeeeyyyy Bay Area-ens – anyone going to Hardly Strictly this weekend? I’m cutting out of work early today to catch Cibo Matto and Yo La Tengo, and plan on being there all day Sunday fo sho and probably tomorrow as well. Yay free music! Yay festival within walking distance of my house! Yay nice weather! (Boo crowds and dust, I guess, but you can’t have everything.)

    2. gentlehangovers +1

      Yes! Sneaking out early today to catch Ryan Adams for sure. Plans to go see Chris Isaac tomorrow and Lake Street Dive on Sunday, but tbh sometimes the thought of the weekend HSB crowds (and dust!) are enough to keep me home, depending on my mood. It’s also walking distance for me, so there is little risk in going – I can easily bail if I can’t stand it.

    3. christoncracker +1

      I’ll be there! Haven’t decided who I’m seeing yet. Dave Rawlings Machine tomorrow, maybe Built to Spill.

  83. MilesofMountain +7

    This week I started to sense a relationship issue brewing and it’s making me a little nervous. As I mentioned on a different thread a few days ago, my boyfriend bought a business this spring that requires him to work 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week. As a result, I ended up having to do more housework/cooking/whatnot because he’s either working or tired from working, and on Sundays I’d rather spend time with him than having him do laundry. While I think I have finally made him realize that this is work, and it creates a burden on me, and that although I’m not expecting him to go back to doing 50% of the housework because that’s not realistic I do expect more acknowledgement of my work. And he is doing that, so yay! but it also ties into an issue that seems to be popping up which is that I have a new job, too. And my new job is…pretty lax regarding the number of hours I’m supposed to work and the productivity I’m supposed to have. They think nothing of me travelling for a day or two to “get to know” people and “get the lay of the land” and other things that definitely would not have flown in my previous consulting job. It drives my boyfriend nuts, and he gets pissed off when he hears about it. He fully admits it’s because he’s jealous, and I’m not entirely comfortable with the amount of screwing around time at this job either, but I feel like I can’t even bring it up anymore because it’ll upset him! Like, the building we’re in is going to be used for a wedding reception this afternoon and I expect we’ll close the office down early but I don’t plan on telling my boyfriend to avoid hearing another rant.

    My boyfriend already thinks office workers are kind of lazy in general, so I’m worried that at some point he’s going to start thinking I’m lazy, too. He says he doesn’t, at the moment, so I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it, but I hate feeling like something’s going to be an issue but I can’t try at head it off :(.

    1. bird_internet +7

      Same. My boyfriend rolled his eyes so hard when he found out that i go into work an hour later than he does every day that I could never bring myself to tell him that I have flex time and could go in even later than that if I wanted to. I have not corrected this lie of omission for the duration of our nearly year-long relationship and it sort of gnaws at me that someday he will find out.

      Ugh, typing that out makes me feel way more dysfunctional than I previously realized.

      1. MilesofMountain +4

        I know, it sounds stupid and dysfunctional and petty and we normally do just find resolving our differences like adults, but now I’m thinking “oh I’ll just keep the time I got home a secret” and it’s ridiculous. How did I get here?

    3. deleted2997279 +19

      My boyfriend already thinks office workers are kind of lazy in general I don’t know what your boyfriend does, but I’m sure it involves some type of office work on the back end to make sure he gets paid, they are following labor laws, peripheral equipment exists and is in good working order, mail is received and sent correctly…..I’m sure those staffers LOVE hearing their work isn’t valued.

      Unless it directly affects him or his company, other people’s laziness at their jobs is kind of none of his business? And I find it kind of questionable that he would judge you as lazy because of the culture of your office/company? If he is jealous, that is his problem? What did he think buying a new business would entail? Is he surprised he’s working so much?

      I don’t really know what to suggest, because I agree, sooner or later this is going to come to a head. The best I can recommend is that you ask he respect you and your work ethic despite how permissive your company’s culture is or appears to be. And I think whether or not he can get over his jealously or whatever other issues he has about laziness w/r/t YOU will tell you a lot.

      1. Site_for_Soris +18

        Also, if you are working full time AND doing all the domestic work…. and STILL feeling scared you might be judged, then there is a serious potential problem :-/

      2. MilesofMountain +1

        Maybe “lazy” is not the correct word, but yeah, he thinks office jobs are pretty cushy and I don’t think he realizes that’s not really the case everywhere. He’s a bit of a workaholic sometimes, and his whole working career has been at the industrial retail store his workaholic parents owned, with the main customers being loggers who also put in 14 hour days. I don’t think he completely gets that most people, in an office or anywhere, don’t actually spend their workdays literally running from one part of the building to the other, or that working all-out like that isn’t actually healthy. I think he was surprised how much this job would take out of him (he was previously a manager there, which was only 8-9 hours a day), and it probably doesn’t help that his business partner (who is mostly pretty great) was previously in an office job and seems to be having a hard time coping with the increase workload, so my boyfriend is having to carry him a bit.

        He claims he doesn’t think I’m lazy, he knows I work hard, and he says he’s mostly just “joking” with his outrage. I just suspect there’s some not-joking going on there with the opportunity to fester.

        1. spring chickens +6

          Ack, you shouldn’t be in a position where you have to explain you aren’t lazy, or defend yourself. That may be a minor dynamic right now, but like other people have said, it indicates a certain contempt/lack of respect, and that’s just not an okay way to feel about one’s partner (in addition to being almost certainly unjustified).

          I don’t mean to pile on, and I bet he can probably correct course if you point this dynamic out & he reflects. But it is definitely time to nip that crap in the bud so that it doesn’t become a bigger problem. You also don’t want to let his ungrounded criticisms seep into how you feel about you (and I say that having been there myself in the past).

  84. tekkah +1

    ‘Lo, Toasties. I’m having a weird week… very sleepy, can’t seem to get enough sleep no matter how much sleep I get. And I have a TON of stuff to do this weekend in anticipation of having 3 international houseguests next week for my brother’s wedding. Oy. If I collapse, this is why.

    1. RoseCamelia +2

      Your doc has screened you *recently* for iron deficiency, yes? I hope you feel better soon.

  85. Sean_Sullivan +54

    So some weeks ago there was a fan fiction thread in which I mentioned Space Clifford, my second grade attempt at writing a story about a far-future descendant of Clifford, the Big Red Dog. Guess what I found on a visit home?


    (Transcribed story follows in a comment, because I don’t want to gum up the whole page.)

    1. Sean_Sullivan +32

      Space Clifford: the Saga Begins!

      by Sean Sullivan

      It all started when Clifford joined the U.S. Space Dogs. The Space Dogs were a group of dogs whose mission was to destroy the reign of the Dark Cat and his evil empire. I have recorded this story and have called it The Saga of Space Clifford.

      * * *

      Once upon a pleasant day in the year 2099, Clifford received some terrible news. Clifford’s brother, a member of the Space Dogs who’d been sent on a spy mission with his brother-in-law, had vanished! His brother-in-law was found in the ruins of a space cruiser—in a state of suspended animation!

      Clifford was sad. Then he knew what he must do: he must join the Space Dogs, take the mission, and see what happens.

      * * *

      After Clifford had joined the Space Dogs he went to Space Dogs Tower. There he met the famous Captain Bone. “You’re very brave trying to succeed where others have failed,” said Bone. “I bet you’re wondering why we hired such a big dog for a spy. Well, we heard about the success of your ancestors, so we figured if they can do it, you can do it!”

      * * *

      After a long lecture Clifford and his fellow spies, who were also on this mission, were introduced to their new craft, the Hero 2. A few seconds later they were hovering over the atmosphere of another planet. There was a great blast and the ship cracked open like an egg. Only Clifford and three others survived. They were Eddy, Pat, and John.

      As soon as they reached the ground a cyborg lassoed them with a glowing wire. Eddy was lucky. He sidestepped the wire. The cyborg grabbed his pistol and swiftly shot Eddie, who turned into a pile of bones!

      to be continued!!!

    2. aravisthequeen +9

      OMG this is genius. My parents are coming to visit me next week and I’m going to entreat my mom to bring me my fanfiction efforts.

  86. hearyoume +9

    i’m getting the Mirena IUD today and I’m really nervous about how much it’s going to hurt. However, I am stoked about not having to worry about birth control for 5 years, so.

    1. celtadri +2

      I just got my second Mirena recently! I will not lie: it hurts. But it’s totally worth it. Make sure the OB/GYN talks you through everything she’s doing – I found that being able to anticipate what was happening helped somewhat. (Mentally. Cervically…there’s not much you can do.) Lots of ibuprofen, take a nap, watch Netflix for the rest of the day! Good luck!

    2. socktantrum +1

      I just posted downthread about this, silly me for not reading, but I got mine put in on Tuesday! The insertion was pretty painful but he numbed my cervix which I think helped a lot (some of the stories I’d heard from others sounded more painful). I was quite crampy until yesterday (like first/second day period cramps), but today I’ve had no cramps at all.

      Good luck!!

  87. paddlepickle +5

    I might like that approach. I don’t have sex on first dates anymore for this reason, but taking kissing off the table seems so unnatural to me. But kissing is intimate too and if I really like someone it seriously messes with me not to hear from them again. The worst was earlier this year, I’d been drinking with a friend/acquaintance I’d had an unconsummated flirtation with for years, and the talk got intimate and I told him some of the really hard shit I’ve been through this year (including an ex of mine committing suicide among other things), and right after that he kissed me and told me he really liked me and wanted to go on a date later that week. THEN FLAKED ON IT. With that kind of situation it’s like. . .what was I supposed to do different, turn away his kiss in the first place? Never confide anything in anyone until they’ve proved they really deeply care about me? Sorry, I’m ranting. Your idea is good, and thank you for it, is what I was getting at.

    1. notebook-keeper +1

      I get this all the time too. Recently, it seems like “I really like you and want to see you more” = “I am never going to see you again lol” in boy speak. I have not figured out how to get around this. I am 23 and living in New York so it may be that hahaha agggggh. But anyway, I feel you and I have no advice. 🙁

    2. MilesofMountain +3

      My strategy for that was to meet for coffee during the day, first. I’d take a late lunch at work and have coffee and then there’s no kissing on the table, because we didn’t have time to go anywhere else and it wasn’t like we were going to make out at the coffee shop/on the street. This was mostly for online dating/blind dates where I was also trying to figure out if I didn’t totally hate him before wasting a while night on him, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for regular dates, too.

  88. lemonadefish +3

    I’ve certainly had delayed reactions to flea bites – like didn’t find them until the next day. Also I got fleas in the house once (the exterminator blamed the neighborhood squirrels, since the cats didn’t go outside. IDK.). Extermination was partially helpful, but the dude said on his second visit to just lysol everything, then vacuum everything, then lysol the vacuum. That worked very nicely. Here’s hoping it’s fleas!

  89. rhymeswitheight +3

    Arg Toasties today has been full fledged anxiety and depression rendering me unable to be a real person. Today, I am Robot Girl. Also am feeling really guilty for not being able to get ANYTHING done at work but my brain is just ___________ empty. Someone else with a funky brain please just reassure me one bad day at work doesn’t mean I’m worthless and in a few hours I can be at home binging Gilmore Girls on Netflix without guilt?

    (on the bright side I made a one pot pasta recipe earlier this week and was somewhat skeptical that it would just be a Pinterest-y gimmick, but it WORKED and it was TASTY!!)

    1. threatqualitypress +2

      Aw, yeah, you got to just ride it out. It is okay to have unproductive days, you should not castigate yourself for them!

    2. practical cat +1

      You are not worthless, I promise.

      I have had those days the last couple and it sucks because even deciding to just say fuck it can be unhelpful because I’m still going to be hard on myself about it. But today has been a lot better and like, honestly, fuck yesterday. I hope your tomorrow is better too and that even if it’s not it’s at least full of Gilmores. <3

    3. Goomaly +2

      What– uh– are you me?

      Do your best and cover your ass.

      My mantra should be that, but it actually is “effort”. It’s turning into an excellent point of focus for just about everything in my life. It’s the one thing i can control– can’t control my mood, coworkers, outside forces, etc. But right now, in this moment, what would my sincere effort look like? And I do that.

      I know you weren’t asking for advice, sorry. You can do it! A few more hours and then on to Gilmore Girls!

    4. jenavira +1

      A little late, but – one bad day at work does not mean you’re worthless. A bad week at work does not mean you’re worthless. (It better not, I had a brain-chemistry-induced failure of a week not that long ago.) In fact, what you do at work has almost nothing to do with your worth. You are awesome, and you should celebrate your awesomeness with Gilmore Girls and whatever comfort food and beverages you so desire.

  90. deleted2997279 +5

    I am seeing Jimmy Eat World tonight because they are touring because Futures is 10 YEARS OLD and I can’t waaaaait!

    1. ramina +1

      ENJOY!!! They are my favorite band and I’m so sad that the 10x for Futures isn’t coming around here. I did get to see the 10x for Bleed American for free though, so that maybe makes up for it a little.

    2. katiemcgillicuddy +1

      Jesus, that album is 10 years old? I am just going to be punched in the face for the next 3 weeks until I turn 30, aren’t I?

      Have fun at the show!!!

  91. LeastBittern +23

    I’m going to start a fashion advice for the fashion apathetic subthread, please join me and tell my your secrets as I have told you mine:
    If you find something very comfortable and amazing looking and easy to clean, get five of them. Wear it all the time, that’s a uniform, and you are subtle classy like Anna Wintour.
    It doesn’t have to be that amazing. People like it when you look the same all the time. It makes you easier to think about.
    If your thighs rub together and leave your skin raw, making it difficult to wear fantastic skirts and walk long distances, you can wear cotton bike shorts under your dresses. It’s like soft pants no one can see! Also it makes it 100% harder to flash people, and you never accidentally put your bare ass on a public transportation seat. (This used to send me into a misery spiral. All my pants require that I be a specific size, while my dresses are more flexible, but how am I to return to the pants size if I cannot walk in dresses? Perfidy.)
    Buy tights and hose one size larger than you actually are, and they will be 500% less unpleasant to wear.

    1. rhymeswitheight +8

      I 100% believe in buying multiples when you find well fitting and comfy pants. They could be gone and your legs will never be the same.

      FLEECE LINED TIGHTS. Pricier than regular but oh my god they are a wonder. Also have the bonus of making it easier and warmer to wear skirts/dresses in the winter. And since winter is the season when I, at least, want to eschew real clothes and just wear PJs, fleece lined tights under a skirt/dress are a great compromise for work… until the day comes where work allows pajamas.

    2. bird_internet +9

      True. I basically wear a uniform of basic dress shirt/ slim pants every single day. Sleeves rolled up when it’s hot, sweater or blazer when it’s cold. It works wonderfully and no one has ever looked askance at me for it.

      It’s sort of a strange personal development, since I had to wear a uniform in Catholic school and fought it TOOTH AND NAIL and still believe strongly that people should be able to wear whatever the fuck they want. But now that I’m grown up it turns out what i want is to wear a basic dress shirt every day.

    3. elsajeni +11

      My secret is limited color palettes. Basically, I own two colors of pants and skirts: khaki and black/grey. And I own two colors of jackets and cardigans: red and black/grey. This simplifies my pants, skirts, and outerwear shopping, because I only look at things in those colors, and it simplifies my shirt/blouse shopping, because the “What can I wear this with?” consideration is constrained down to, like, “Will this go with black pants and a grey blazer, or khaki pants and a red cardigan?”

    4. CleverManka +24

      Yes to ALL of this.

      TRU FAX: You can wear the exact same style top and bottom with a different jacket and shoes to the office every day and nobody will notice you’re basically wearing the same thing over and over. I have, like, three skirts, two pairs of trousers, eight tops, and literally more than forty jackets. People always comment on how “stylish” I am, and I’m like YOU HAVE NO IDEA DO YOU.

      1. bird_internet +9

        So jealous of your jacket collection. Jackets are my #1 object of fashion lust. In the words of Liz Lemon, “sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on.”

        1. CleverManka +8

          I’ve bought every single one of my jackets (five of which are leather) at thrift stores. I think the most I’ve paid for one was $8. Jacket collections are super easy to build. And this is the perfect time of year because rich people are cleaning out their closets to make room for new fall styles.

          1. blunderbusst +4

            Please come to my town and take me to the thrift store and pick out jackets for me because I am useless at the shopping part of clothing myself. (And, let’s be honest, the putting-on-the-clothes part of clothing myself, too.)

          2. Miss B

            Jacket collections are super easy to build…unless you have enormous boobs and a (to modern clothing makers) disproportionately smaller waist, and in that case jackets are nearly impossible find, and getting even a cheap thrift store jacket properly altered in the ways I need things altered brings it right back up to can’t-afford-nice-things prices. *grumble* In conclusion, I am envious of your stellar jacket collection, is what!

    5. Girl Named Jack +10

      A couple weeks ago I asked for advice on how to put together a uniform – thanks to everyone who helped! I ended up with cardigan + tank + pants. My life is a lot easier and since I already had a bunch of these I didn’t have to spend a fortune.

      1. lindackerite +2

        I was skeptical of these but people raved about them — and then I got them and they are super great. I actually need to buy more!

        1. msjinxie +5

          So they really are as comfy/stay-put-y as people say? The lace seems like it’d be irritating, but I’m game to try them. (My usual technique to prevent chub-rub is to just apply antiperspirant liberally to my inner thighs, but that only works so well when it’s hot out and I’m hella sweaty).

          1. lindackerite +2

            Yes! I couldn’t believe that they would stay up, probably because I’ve never had a good experience with things staying where they need to on my thighs — always riding up or down. But they definitely did stay put. I read Leslie Kinzel’s post about them and she mentioned they sometimes feel like they’re going to fall down but don’t. I feel that phenomenon sometimes (although may be internalizing that from that article) but they have not budged. The rubber/silicone/whatever it is is magic.

            I only got the lace ones so far and like them, but want to get the non-lace ones too just because. They’re really soft and not like scratchy lace at all. I basically felt like I always do wearing pants — but when wearing a skirt! Which is so nice because I like skirts but I hate to wear them for too long because of the chub-rub. Definitely done the antiperspirant thing but then you have to reapply and always miss a spot that gets irritated…

            Anyway, I’m in and think they’re definitely worth it! I haven’t washed mine yet, so I can’t say about that yet though. I was annoyed to have to get out a measuring tape for my thighs, but having the right fit is worthwhile/important too.

    7. GreenGrasses +5

      It blows my mind when people haven’t thought to wear bike shorts underneath skirts/dresses. It’s the best ever!!!

      My personal goal this winter is to not wear jeans every day. I want to get in on the winter dresses and skirt action! I’m going to do a big ol’ sockdreams shopping spree for cute knee socks and lined tights, and hopefully that’ll get me started on my adventure.

      1. ach_so +2

        My mom just figured out the bike shorts thing!! I would die without mine (ok, I wouldn’t die, I would just wear shorts all summer which is mostly what I do anyway).

    8. longlostlullaby +3

      I am always in the middle height- and weight-wise between the small and medium sizes for tights. I always go with the medium and have never once regretted it.

      1. msjinxie +6

        I’m also usually in between sizes, but my legs are super short, so if I go up I’ve tights that could double as a bra.

        1. LeastBittern +1

          Now that I buy huge tights, I usually put them up over my breasts and do a handstand on the bed every morning to amuse the spouse.

    9. Goomaly +9

      Don’t buy white shoes. (that’s from my mom)
      If you like something, get a few in different colors (also mom)
      Wear a slip under your dress, it looks tons better (former boss/mentor)

    10. letteradicorsa +4

      A certain kind of sleeveless dress my mother called “the jumper” makes a great work uniform for the days you’re tired of pants. You can wear different blouses and turtlenecks underneath it.

    11. Upsidedown_Cake +2

      My secret to my approach to style is that I want to wear pajamas and a bathrobe all of the time and colors make me happy.

      Therefore I own six or seven shortish dresses that are fairly plain* in a variety of colors that appeal to me. I happen to like Horny Toad’s knit dresses (and their attempts at sustainable clothing), which tend to have enough shape to not make me look like a refrigerator box, without being too clingy. I wear them with leggings or tights in neutralish colors (unless I’m feeling particularly violently eye-searing), and shoes that are suitable for the kind of walking I do (oddly enough this is usually red or purple maryjanes with a low chunky heel). I then top my gloriously colorful nightshirt substitute with a cardigan or jacket that is usually more subdued, and a scarf/shawl/jewelry that compliments the look. Sometimes for a change I wear a skirt, classy looking screen printed t-shirt, and a jacket or sweater instead. The effect is cheerful, flattering for my coloring, and almost as comfortable as pajamas (if only I did not need a bra).

      I am also usually wearing a knee length school bus yellow rain slicker in the winter. I love color.

      It helps that I am work at a notoriously casual West Coast software company (I was strictly cautioned not to wear slacks when I interviewed), and I am thus much more dressed up than 80% of the people I deal with.

      Early in our relationship my boyfriend described me to his mother by saying, “she realized years ago that she couldn’t blend in to the background, so she decided to run with it.”

      *I’m six feet tall, they are all shortish dresses.

      1. LeastBittern +1

        This is a good strategy, and Horny Toad dresses are amazing. I have five, I wear them basically every day I have to adult.

    1. lemonadefish +2

      I have, and am also tempted! I will probably buy it though, because that will be cheaper than the late fines I will get for spending six months reading it, which is likely, as the baby is not very interested in books she cannot chew.

  93. rallisaurus +2

    I have to work tomorrow because my institution is having an open house. I got assigned to all the children’s areas, which is…I guess I’ll find out if I handle children well. I’m already just so done with this week, with this endless fucking year, but there’s a silver lining! Because our staff shirts are red and I can root for the Nats in Baltimore’s territory! Also, if no one shows up I can just color all day.

    So Toasties, what are your silver linings?

  95. SarcasticFringehead +2

    My experience was about 15 second of extreme discomfort, and then about half an hour of pretty intense discomfort, and then about a day and a half of bad cramps, and I haven’t had any issues (or a period) since. Good luck!

  96. SarcasticFringehead +9

    Hey so how many of us watched Gentlemen Prefer Blondes after Elsa’s piece this week? I did, and it was delightful.

    1. autumnlorayne +2

      I totally did. While making myself dinner and dancing in my kitchen to the musical numbers.

  97. raqueue +4

    Help wanted open space!

    Toastie @lindackerite on Twitter suggested a help wanted space on the Open Thread, so here it is. If anyone has jobs or volunteer positions that they’re looking to fill for editing, writing, library stuff, or anything else in the world, put it here and find some amazing people.

    1. lindackerite +1

      Yes! I would love to have us all be able to capitalize on the talent that is here and see if it can help people out.

      It could be a dual help wanted/help offered too — if anyone has services they want to offer/let people know about, that would be great too!

      Personally, it was a totally selfish thing because….

      I’m looking for educators (teachers, admins, advisors, specialists, etc.) and/or those with publishing/product development experience (anything from textbooks and regular books to magazines, apps, games, etc.) particularly in the education/learning space that might want to volunteer to evaluate products in the awards competition I run. It’s focused on resources for teaching and learning — both specific school subjects like math and reading to higher order thinking skills, social emotional skills, new media literacies — pretty much anything and everything!

      I can provide more info about what it’s all about and what perks are involved if anyone does end up being interested!

      1. elsajeni +1

        What kind of time commitment would be involved, and what level of expertise/experience are you looking for in your evaluators?

        1. lindackerite +1

          Well, it’s flexible. If you only had a couple hours, I’d take it and tailor it to that. But a full-time assignment is about 6 hours of work — spread out over the evaluation period (4-6 weeks) or done in a day at an event.

          Experience/expertise depends — for professional educators, experience working in a preK-12 school is necessary. Ideally 3+ years. But, all subject areas and levels welcome. If I had to choose some top needs: math, especially middle school and high school, those with experience facilitating professional development, and media specialists/technology directors, or people with experience in new media and digital literacies. For those in the publishing or product development space, experience is similar — having at least 2 years under your belt is ideal, but that could be in any area including marketing/PR and not just as an editor.

          We’re trying to expand the ranks, so anyone who is interested I’m happy to work with! Let me know if an email or link for more info would help.

  98. paddlepickle +11

    Um so is this just a quirk of my browser or are all my replies in my thread also showing up as separate comments on the main page, making it appear as if I’m talking to myself about how I hate men? Because I’m only approaching that crazy, I’m not there yet. Are other people seeing this?

  99. RoseCamelia +1

    We do startups every few years. It is hell, but there is a heavenly payoff if you make sure your hiring contract guarantees you stock.

  100. ramina +1

    Page 2 comment now that I am back from lunch: Any Toasties going to NYCC next week? I will be there on Saturday and Sunday, and I would love to meet up with some fellow Toastfriends!!

  101. werecyclemovies +1

    Literary Toasties please help!

    I’ve been writing a series called “A Year With Kate” tracing Katharine Hepburn’s entire 6 decade career (one movie a week, 52 movies total, best year of my life EVER) for an Oscars blog. The blog editor and I were talking about trying to expand on the series and turn it into a book, but I know NOTHING about how to/who to pitch such a thing to. Then I remembered that there were a few articles on micropublishing here on The Toast way back when. Can anybody give me some tips on How To Make A Book?

    1. chickpeas +2

      (In case this reply goes astray, it was to geekgoose, looking for tips on making a book)

      There are two parts here — the literary side and the business side.

      On the literary side, you’ll want to rewrite some of the material into more bookish prose. Pay attention to how long it takes you to do this, how much research is required, etc. This will help you to plan realistically.

      On the business side, you’ll probably want to get a literary agent, if your goals include publishing with a traditional publisher. There are lots of literary agents with blogs with great advice about how to query an agent and the etiquette of the process. The ones I would recommend are Nathan Bransford (no longer a literary agent, but blog archives are good), Betsy Lerner, and Janet Reid.

      Different agents will have different criteria for querying. If you don’t follow their instructions, you’re asking for them to reject you. Some may say “nice idea, but get back to me when the material is fully revised.” It’s up to you if you want to hold out for that person (maybe they’re your dream agent) or keep querying. Or, you can do both.

      At some point you will have to write an actual book proposal — which is a pain in the ass. Don’t blow this off! You should include a description of the book, assessment of the market (similar books, along with how your book is different), TOC, plan/schedule for completion.

      Make sure that you retain the rights to your material that was posted on the blog. Trust me, you’ll want to figure this out sooner rather than later.

      Don’t work with someone you don’t feel comfortable with (agent or editor) just because they’re a “big name.” You have to be able to get along with this person.

      It’s okay to ask questions if you don’t know what’s going on or what’s expected of you at any point in the publications process.

      Hope this helps.

    2. Absotively +1

      I am not that literary, I just hang around literary people during NaNoWriMo, so I don’t have much advice. But I am going to mention that publishing scams exist. There’s various resources online about how to recognize them and avoid them. The basics as I remember them are that in traditional publishing, you shouldn’t be asked to pay anything out of pocket, and in self-publishing, there shouldn’t be hidden costs and you shouldn’t be asked to sign over any rights to your work. I’ve mostly read about scams in fiction publishing, but I seem to recall there being another non-fiction advice request on an open thread once where someone said the same basics apply to non-fiction.

      1. chickpeas

        You are correct. Reputable agents do not charge a reading fee (this is mandated by the AAR, Association of Author’s Representatives), nor do reputable editors/publishing houses. The exception to this is some legitimate, long-running literary contests do charge an entrance fee — this should be less than $50 (IMHO). This money generally goes to the poor long-suffering intern who opens and logs submissions, and sometimes a payment to outside readers/judges (usually eminent or established people) if the contest is structured this way.

        A good source for info on scams is the blog Writer Beware: http://accrispin.blogspot.com/

        Also, if you find yourself in the enviable position of having several agents or editors compete for you — or even if you don’t — it’s completely ok to ask if you can speak with previous clients/authors they’ve worked with. If they say no or seem weird about it, that’s a huge red flag. (They may ask you not to contact certain people they’ve worked with, which I don’t think is a huge deal — unless it’s like, their entire client list or something.) They should also not be threatened if you say something like, “I want to have a lawyer look this over” where “this” is anything you’re expected to sign.

    3. longlostlullaby +3

      I have Googled this and am now very excited to begin reading about 52 Katharine Hepburn movies.

  102. donkeywork +6

    I’m got the house to myself for the week, trying to work the internet to find a permanent place to live, and decided not to watch any TV both to focus and avoid ads for scary movies so I can sleep at night. So last night I’m getting ready for bed when a spider runs under the bathroom door at me. I’m not afraid of spiders, but this one seemed like it might have been hosting a demon. So I run to get a cup and postcard to take it outside and when I return it’s gone, unfindable. So, I’m alone with a shape-shifting demon spider. Gonna be a nice relaxing weekend.

    2. spring chickens +3

      No, no, spiders are your friends. It’s just hanging out, minding its own business, and helpfully eating your mosquitoes and other unwanted insects, keeping your place free of bugs. (At least this is what I tell myself… and it’s mostly true!)

  104. greenwitch +1

    Welcome, fellow transplant! As someone from the east coast, one of the nice things about Chicago winters (maybe midwest generally) is how people do not give a darn what they look like to combat the cold – anything goes as long as you’re warm. And comfort food. And warrming drinks. Mmm, winter…

  105. robotneedslove +9

    I know Dan Savage has spotty rep around here, but I’m taking my sister to see him live for her birthday tomorrow and we get to meet him after and I’m super stoked.

    Me, I love Dan Savage. He’s got some problems, sure, but overall his heart is in the right place and he has REALLY changed the way my demographic views sexuality, in a positive way IMO. And I don’t think he’s biphobic. I think that’s a mischaracterization.

    1. GreenGrasses +6

      Have fun! I can definitely recognize Dan Savage’s issues, but overall his advice has helped me a lot over the years!

    2. anninyn +12

      As a bisexual, all I can say is that the things he’s said have directly harmed me and contributed to the mischaracterisation of my sexuality in the LGBT groups.

      BUT I think in general we expect too much of our public figures? They can’t be all things to all people. He’sbeen helpful AND harmful aND i THINK THE GOOD he’s done has outweighed the harm.

    3. rolotomassi5 +3

      I disagree with him on a number of issues, but he will always get a pass from me for his appearances on This American Life, especially the live episode they did a few years ago where he talks about his complex feelings about the Catholic Church and atheism and his Mom.

      Found it! http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/ep…

  106. evieskye +1

    Took today off to rest before the new school quarter and get errands done (which my student workers are probably glad about because I was snappy at them yesterday. But come on, guys, pay attention to details!)

    I’ve been getting into meditation lately–anybody have any recommendations for guided meditation audio or books about the subject (I have a bunch but I’m looking for more)?

    Other things to discuss–has anyone watched Transparent? Thoughts? I’m now getting into Six Feet under (six episodes in).

    1. Stellmaria_ +1

      The phone app Smiling Mind is pretty good for guided. It’s also Australian, if you’re keen on the accent!

  107. figtreecooking +5

    Oh god, the saga of the Formerly Super Close Friend Who’s Been Dumping Me in Agonizingly Slow Motion continues. Unanswered emails this week, more posting elsewhere of the kind of personal stuff she used to email me about, and this morning I woke up with “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” in my head. I finally decided when the Giants’ season is over I’ll send that breakup email I’ve been refining for months, once I edit it to be as non dramatic as possible (we met through being fans of the team). She doesn’t really care that I’m not in her life much and would obviously be fine with the casual online acquaintance we’ve got going now, but I’ve decided while it’s unreasonable for me to expect we will ever be very close again, it’s not unreasonable for me to be sad about it and want my space (like not staying friends with an ex, basically).

    But uggggh sending that email makes me anxious as hell. So I’m doubly rooting for the Giants now.

    1. autumnlorayne +2

      This very much sucks! Props to you for sending the email, though. When a friend did the Slow Departure thing to me, I just let the friendship wither away into nothing and I still have moments of anxiety and regret about it.

      1. figtreecooking +1

        Well, I haven’t sent it yet, and I still have at least until Monday to chicken out. 😉 But yeah, usually I just let these things fade and I’m left with so much hurt and anger and frustration, so while I don’t expect anything to change on her part (and I’m not phrasing the letter with that outcome in mind), I feel like after two years of pretty intense friendship I can’t just let it end without any closure. (And since we see each other online all the time, it would be hard to.)

  108. Bunburying +35

    This is a Nurse Appreciation Comment. I had to have medicine administered by IV yesterday (treatment for a longtime chronic illness, was not an emergency situation) and I have a severe needle phobia. It has literally taken me ten years to get to the point where I no longer sob violently when I have to give blood samples (which is pretty frequently, due to aforementioned illness). The IV made me regress significantly and I was shrieking and crying like a hideous infant while the poor nurse tried to do her work. She was WONDERFUL. She told me I was doing great and actually seemed to mean it, and she didn’t try to make me laugh with lame jokes or the other things that people do when you make them uncomfortable with your emotions.

    When the IV was in, she offered to get me something to read from my bag and I told her I didn’t have anything, and she OFFERED ME HER CATALOGS. And I said yes, anything to keep myself distracted please, and she went and got me a pile of clothing catalogs from her bag and that is how I spent 30 minutes looking at cable-knit sweaters instead of thinking about the needle in my arm and crying. She just made everything so much less horrible and I wish all the medical professionals I had to interact with were as kind and caring as she was. Thank you, wonderful nurses!

    1. thecaitd +12

      Nurses are wonderful and badass. Last night I met this guy at a piano bar who I found a bit awkward and unprepossessing who was then like “oh, I’m a VA nurse. I mostly work in inpatient mental health.” NO BIG DEAL

    2. highjump +2

      I am rubbing my hands together after reading that story because I have a huge needle phobia as well and lose my shit in various ways (crying, fainting, panic attack) when forced to interact with needles. So good for you for getting through it! And yeah, I really wish all healthcare professionals could be as sympathetic and that lovely nurse.

      1. Bunburying +3

        Yeah, I’m actually kind of happily surprised I can even type the story without freaking out about it right now, but maybe that’s the power of great nurses! (and cable-knit sweaters)

    3. FreeRangeMenses +6

      Not a nurse, but friends with piles of them – if you can, send her a little thank you note. (I hear that in my mother’s voice!) But seriously, it would probably make her very happy to know she really helped you through a rough interaction.

      1. Bunburying +4

        I’m glad you said that, because I was thinking about doing it but I was worried it might be weird! Now I can send her a card or something without feeling like a nurse-stalker.

      2. LeastBittern +3

        Yes! It is good when nurses do extra emotional work to thank them for going above and beyond!

    4. thisclimbingbean +3

      Nurses rule. And are so underappreciated. The midwives where I had my babies were so super awesome. Nothing against doctors (love them, my sister is one, and my GP is great) but I have only had good experiences with nurses.

    5. the_lovecats +4

      I’m a nurse and I love putting in IVs! I have many stories, but the best one was the lady who fell asleep while I was doing it. Amazing.
      Thanks for taking the time to write your comment appreciating your nurse.

  109. ofTrebond +4

    I got an awesome job and am moving to DC in a couple weeks! I have a couple friends out there, but know nothing about the city. DC Toasties, tips please! Where should I live, what is fun to do, who should I hang out with, what do I need to know?

    1. seapartridge +2

      I just moved to DC! I really like it. I probably don’t have great advice (I’ve been in the MD suburbs since June and in the city proper for about a month). I live in the SW near L’Enfent, and I really like it — it’s walking distance to the museums but not much else, which is a good way to keep me from spending too much money. It’s kinda quiet down here, though. I know Adams Morgan and Columbia Heights are fun. I’ve heard good things about Petworth. Dupont Circle is awesome if you can afford it (hahaha I will never be able to afford it). But this is from an I-just-got-here perspective!

      Re: things to do — I’ve been Tinder dating locals to get recommendations on the cool places (surprisingly effective!). Dacha is awesome — it’s an outdoor beergarden where you can buy over a litre of beer in a boot-shaped glass for $16.

    2. bird_internet +4

      I’m not a ton of help but the one thing I will say is that people can be a little snobby about which neighborhood you’re in compared to other places I’ve lived (not sure where you’re moving from and how it compares). But it is so damn hard to find a place around here– everything is super expensive, there are a lot of less-than-ideal studios and group house situations on the market, and public transit can be a drag, especially on weekends when you’re trying to run errands. So I would widen your horizons beyond whichever three hip neighborhoods everyone suggests.

    3. highjump +2

      Live near work because commuting is terrible. I’m glad we have the metro/bus system, don’t get me wrong, but it is not 100% reliable.

      If you will be working in downtown DC live, in short, wherever you can afford. I’ve become a neighborhood snob but I love walking to things (work, friends, restaurants, bars, etc) and having to do an hour long public transportation oddessey every time I wanted to see friends got old really quick when I lived in the VA suburbs. Truly that was a dark period in my life, mental health wise.

      Living alone is ridiculously expensive. Many people use Craigslist (that’s how I’ve found everywhere I’ve lived here) but you do have to be a little savvy about scams. Don’t count out the NE quadrant.

    4. RoseCamelia +2

      What highjump said. Commuting in DC is the worst. Literally. DC and LA trade places every year for Worst Commute. Living close to your job is extremely important. At the very least, live close to the train line that serves your office. I lived there for a couple of years. (Hi, Shady Grove stop on the Red Line. And hello, MARC train.)

    6. FreeRangeMenses +2

      Go dig up the Hairpin group on Facebook – it’s functionally a Toast group. It’s hit or miss but we do fun things sometimes!

      I live in NE (Trinidad) and I have about a 45 minute commute – if you work slightly off-hours or you don’t mind being jostled, the metro isn’t quite as bad as everyone makes it sound. Headphones in and party on!

  110. bird_internet +5

    How do you re-learn typing habits as an adult? Earlier today I got chewed out by the web designer in our office for putting two spaces after a period. The web designer is a brusque and intimidating person and I do not want to get yelled at again. But the thing is that I have never consciously thought about this before– I learned the two-spaces rule way back in grade school and it’s been muscle memory ever since. Now I’m thinking about it too hard and it’s totally messing up my flow.

    1. ladyimogen +11

      If you’re doing it in a word-like program, just do a find and replace when you’re done (find two spaces, replace with one space) and type along happily.

      2. literarysara +4

        Seconding. Also, now that I routinely comb the extra spaces out of my work, I only insert them about half the time. Old habits die hard but they can die.

    2. celery +2

      Rather than trying to re-learn muscle memory, could you make a note to just do a find/replace for two spaces after you’ve finished a document? That just takes a minute, and it won’t interrupt the typing flow.

    3. Girl Named Jack +2

      Can you do a find-and-replace before you send the designer anything? It only takes a second.

    4. Bunburying +2

      I don’t know what program you’re entering text in, but is it one where it’s possible to find period-space-space and replace-all with period-space? That way you can just type comfortably, and take a few seconds to change them all en masse when you’re done.

      Srsly tho, “brusque and intimidating” over an extra space? Your web designer sounds fun.

      1. bird_internet +4

        Yeah, it’s definitely a thing. On the first day of work when my supervisor was giving me the run-down of everything I need to know about working here one of the items was “if [name of person] tries to start any shit with you, let me handle it.”

    5. m98widow +4

      I canNOT get the hang of not doing two spaces after a period. I didn’t even know it was a thing we weren’t doing until a few years ago! Fortunately, I think a lot of websites and programs just automatically edit out the second space for you.

      1. super_novice +4

        Me neither. I just feel like it looks better to use two spaces, as well! I like the visual clarity of it.

    6. wallofillusion +3

      I don’t know about “how,” but I did successfully train myself away from two spaces after a period a few years ago, so it can be done with a little thought! At least for me. Your mileage may vary.

    7. steelyglints +6

      i will never stop putting 2 spaces after a period and no one can make me. (sorry I know this isn’t helpful)

  111. AVincennes +3

    SQL is such a great thing to have in startups and in places in general – as is an interest, which you clearly have, in the decision making that generates. So frustrating as the situation sounds, to me it also seems that you have a really solid foundation in something that’s interesting and fun for when you come back from mat leave.

    If you’ve been told there’s a job waiting in the wings (at this place that – coworker management challenges aside) you don’t seem to hate – is there a useful conversation to be had about “what roumbaba’s transition plan is after mat leave”? Especially if you’ve been proving yourself again and again – HR processes at startups are really crappy (I may have mentioned in previous comments) so it’s likely that people have just not put together the pieces of what you’re *really* doing, that you are in fact already in the role but your pay and title do not reflect that. It could really help to say, “That’s enough being vague. I am doing this work. I want to be rewarded for this work. What are you going to do about it?”

    Perhaps you’ve already done these things – but to wrap up – it really sounds like you are qualified for this role, and there are roles like the one you want in bigcorps as well, that it might be good to keep an eye out for after the mat leave. Either way, GOOD LUCK – and I work in what you’re getting into and I love it, so it’s well worth keeping on at.

  112. seapartridge +1

    Has anyone had any luck buying glasses online? I ordered a pair from GlassesUSA a week and a half ago and am not feeling great about this choice, having read a lot of negative reviews retroactively. Warby Parker seems nice with their try-on thing.

    1. ach_so +2

      Ohh yes. I have ordered glasses from Warby Parker, Coastal, &…er, something else. I think it was Eye Buy Direct? <- I clearly was not happy with them since I can’t even remember the site. They were cheapo & I just wasn’t happy, though I think they could be fine for someone else’s needs.

      Warby Parker & Coastal are great. Coastal can be less of a deal, since all of WP’s frames are $95 and Coastal has many different brands. Coastal has great promos. WP glasses look more expensive than they are, they have great customer service, and they’ll send you the pairs to try on.

    2. practical cat +1

      I am wearing my Warby Parker frames right now. Love them, get tons of compliments, feel pretty cool all the time. They’re also hella cheap and great about managing prescriptions and I used a link from The Toast sponsored post for both my regular glasses and my sunglasses so I hope that did some good.

      1. coloredlights +1

        I also endorse Warby Parker, though I bought mine in the store rather than online. They were great about figuring out what was wrong when I couldn’t see very well with the new lenses and thought the prescription was wrong – turns out they just needed to be bent a bit. And now I’ve been wearing them for 1.5 years with much success!

        It did take sort of forever for the glasses to arrive after I ordered them, though.

    3. Site_for_Soris +1

      I have done Warby Parker and Zenni – the quality of the Zennis was pretty shit, but that’s why I bought them, so I would have $12 glasses I could use for field work and not be upset if they got broken, sat on, lost. Warby Parkers are a step up quality-wise, but still I feel like you get what you pay for, but the customer service is great and it’s nice to be able to try them on first.

    4. ramina +1

      I have ordered from both Zenni Optical (so cheap!!!!!) and Coastal. I never had a problem with Zennis personally, aside from my pink hair dye staining the arms of my black-and-white zebra print glasses, and recommend them to anyone that needs a cheap pair of frames. My favorite pair of glasses ever is from Coastal and I love them to bits.

    5. Goomaly +1

      I buy my glasses from Zenni now. They are so cheap (both in dollars and durability) and I’ve found a frame that’s perfect so I just buy a few at a time. Also prescription sunglasses. Even if I buy three of each it’s still cheaper than ONE pair from the optometrist.

      Oh but don’t buy the styles with the little feet on the bridge of the nose. They will never fit.

  113. AVincennes +6

    To be fair Male Coder was eventually fired for his nasty attitude. As to why the CEO thought that was an appropriate critique, I have no idea. He was not a very good boss.

  114. Mike_B

    Any of you read Rainey Royal? Is it even out yet?

    I got an advanced copy and read almost all of it in one sitting. I liked it a lot! You?

  115. shinkickmorning +16

    My Grandma is emailing me bread recipes. I love the future. (and my Grandma. And bread)

  116. sloth_n +4

    Are we still doing toasty coding club? I bring it up because I’ve started taking intro to programming classse at my local community college and it’s so much fun! I also found a job at my workplace that is more on the web development side that I’m hoping to shimmy into, but for that I’ll have to do some self teaching because the languages they use (javascript and php) are not covered in my class. Has anyone had experience self teaching this sort of thing, and if so how long did it take you? They only want lower level experience of those two languages, the main requirement is html and css (which I already know!) but I’m still nervous about plotting it all out and doing it on top of my current classwork.

    1. sloth_n +2

      Also does anyone more knowledgeable about this than me know how hard/easy it is to learn two languages at once? Like I have to do C++ for class and then I’ll need to start working on Javascript for the job. I’ve learned two human languages at once and it was fine but I don’t know if programming languages are harder easier to double up on. If it helps, I’ll be studying them on different days, to sort of split this up in my mind.

      1. Absotively +3

        Self teaching new programming languages after you have the basics of programming down is generally pretty easy. It depends a bit on how similar the languages are, which in turn will depend a bit on exactly what kind of C++ your class is teaching you, because C++ that uses all of C++’s features is quite different from C++ that mostly looks like C. But even if your class is only covering the basics, that will definitely still give you enough background to pick up PHP and Javascript, it’ll just take a bit longer because you’ll have a few more things to read up on.

        I’ve never tried to learn two languages at once, but sometimes I’ve learned a bit of one language and then gone and done other things in another new language and then come back to the first later, and it’s gone ok.

        The fastest way to learn a new programming language, I think, is to read and work through a quick overview somewhere and then pick a project that it is suitable for the language and dive in. Look up the details as you need them. That can be a bit frustrating, though.

        1. sloth_n +2

          That’s good to know. I’m halfway through the semester on the C++ course, it’s just called intro to programming but they use C++ as the teaching language. I’m not sure yet if we’re using all of C++ or just the kind that looks like C yet but it’s going well!

          I think the idea you have about learning some and picking a project is good, because for the job I’ll need a portfolio and then hopefully some of those projects will end up there. It’s a web development job and I really want it (and want to get out of my current department) which is why I’m not ready to wait until the semester is over to apply. Thanks for the advice!

          1. Absotively +2

            It’s probably just the basics, but that’s fine. If they touch on classes and object-oriented programming that might be helpful, but a lot of the other fancy features of C++ aren’t that much like things in other languages.

          2. sloth_n +2

            I looked at the syllabus and we will be doing classes and object-oriented stuff but that’s in a few more weeks. There is a part 2 to this class that I think covers more of the fancy stuff but that’s next semester and I’m not yet sure if I’m going to take it since I’m not planning to use C++ for anything work related.

          3. Absotively +1

            The second half could easily be either fancy C++ or more advanced general programming concepts, like data structures and algorithms and stuff. Data structures and algorithms are definitely useful to know about. You don’t have to remember everything about them, just having a vague understanding of how they work is useful.

    2. momoulton22 +1

      I found the codecademy class on python to be really great, so you might check out their javascript & php courses. My sense is that learning one language makes it much easier to learn others, more so in computers than in linguistics…

      1. sloth_n +1

        Oooh I’ll try them! I’ve heard good things about them too, but I hadn’t explored it yet.

      2. Steph +2

        Yep, I’ve found it much faster to pick up other languages now that I have a solid basis in Fortran (the geezerly-est programming language ever).

    3. Absotively +1

      I’m in favour of coding club!

      I am currently taking a Coursera course on functional programming in Scala, because I have tried to learn Lisp once or twice after reading things about how learning a functional language is helpful, but I had trouble with the various tutorials because it was so very different from imperative programming.

      I think it’s going pretty well. I finally understand what tail recursion is, though I still don’t understand why anyone would prefer it over a loop. But I’m behind on the course work and I need to catch up this weekend.

  117. Ethylbenzene +7

    Oh god. I have answered phone calls from people like that. People who, no shit, do not understand the difference between the google search bar and the address bar. Double clicking, right clicking, opening PDFs, this is all basically wizardry.

  118. anninyn +12

    My husband and I are eating a recipe we have termed ‘Heart Attack Chicken’ tonight.

    We only eat this once every four months or so.

    You need:

    2 skinless chicken breasts per person
    2 broad rashers of salted back bacon (3 rashers if streaky) per chicken breast (rashers are thin-cut bacon, IDK what they are in the US)
    Soft cheese with garlic and herbs
    Jalapenos or other additions to taste
    Parmesan to taste

    Cut open the chicken breasts, fill with cheese, maybe a few jalapenos. Smear some more cheese on the outside, wrap in the bacon. Top with parmesan and bake for 20-30 minutes at 150 celcius

    There’s also deluxe heart attack chicken where you wrap slamon round the chicken before adding the bacon.

    We serve it with kale and corn on the cobb to pretend it’s healthier for us than it is

  120. citizenchristy +8

    Guys, I saw Billy Joel last night at one of his monthly Madison Square Garden shows, and it was phenomenal. His voice basically hasn’t changed in, oh, forty years, and he’s so much more affable than I anticipated. Plus, he did “Laura,” which, COME ON, and I cried, like, three times.

    1. ramina +2

      I have wanted to get tickets to one of the MSG residence shows this whole year but have not been able to allocate money for such yet 🙁 I just need to hear Miami 2017 live once, okay????

  121. Brunhildenburg +8

    I spent last week in my dad’s hospital room telling him to not die already (he didn’t) and he finally got sent home after 6 days and then my brother and I drove 12 hours back to Seattle and this work week has been total hell and my old roommate needed a place to crash because her and her boyfriend are “between places” and they stayed up all night and trashed my house for two nights before I just lost it and had a giant panic attack yesterday and then to fix myself I had to play pool all night last night and fuck with all the newbies coming back to school and oh my god you guys I just need to sleep for 3 days straight.

    My dad is okay though, I just keep reminding myself.

    1. RoseCamelia +6

      Oh my, you’ve had a very hard time. I’m so sorry. Though it’s good that your dad is OK after all. And that your brother was with you; you were not alone with the parent situation. If the couple that trashed your home is still there, tell them *I* said to get the fuck out. Do they want to see what I look like when in full righteous anger mode? And don’t trigger my protective instincts unless you are made of stone. Do you want me to come and explain it to them? You need your home to be your oasis – at all times, but especially now.

    2. dakimel +5

      You poor thing! Your dad is okay, and you’re going to sleep, and you can sleep in a trashed house, that’s fine, no laws state otherwise. Make a clear path between your bed and the bathroom in case you need to stumble there in the dark, and lock the doors and deal with the house in, like, November, okay? Also, your dad is fine. And work can suck it, because your dad is fine.

      Sleep tight. Breathe deep. Everything else can wait.

    3. jenavira +3

      Holy shit, that is pretty much the worst week. Take care of yourself, sleep all you can, and don’t worry about the house. (I am currently sending all the guilt vibes I can generate toward your old roommate and her boyfriend in the hopes that they volunteer to clean the place up on their own. Because seriously, guys. Seriously.)

  122. LacaunaKale +3

    Just applied for seasonal retail. Fingers crossed.
    Inspired by the Edna Krabappel post, I rewatched Bart’s Friend falls in Love last night. I had forgotten how good that was. Fuzzy Bunny and Furry Bunny going on shooting dates, Homer forgetting what a spoon is named,and Mrs Krabappelconfiding that it takes 6 weeks to get used to the smell.

  123. eegghh +7

    My 4.5 year relationship ended 3 weeks ago yesterday. I’m doing pretty good, if I say so myself. He kind of just gave up on us, and himself and although I thought everything we had was fixable, I’m really relieved that I do not have to try to fix it anymore, and I feel like I’d spent the last year zig zagging back and forth between really good times and future plans and his lows and my tiptoeing around them. So Long story short, I didn’t want to break up At All but I feel a relief and even a sense that maybe I should have gotten out sooner.

    Here’s the question, and hope that someone hangs in through the strange comment thread to help me out.

    Who favors getting back on the horse (dating, dating is the horse) right away and who favors the eat pray love, take some time for myself and my own issues approach? The thought of tinder or even a different online dating dealie gives me HIVES, but I do know a guy in real life would get drinks with. How long is the right amount of time to wait before asking that guy out? Post a serious breakup who used the free time to really find themselves? Who rebounded right into the arms of “Mr/Ms. Right?”

    Also I have a conflict in that I learned something important in my last relationship which was “I want to get married”. Before that I think I would have said, “oh whatever, either way, no biggie, marriage is sort of a trap anyway, single is great, etc.” and I burned through the last of my self pretense to commitment phobia in my last relationship. Because i know this about myself now, that I do have what it takes to be a wife and that I want to be one with the right person, it feels really strange to consider that I might need to not date at all for a year or so and go after other life dreams. Also I am 30, so it feels like adulthood got super duper real.

    Any thoughts? Recommendations? Is 2 months out from my relationship a good time to ask a guy to get a drink?

    1. RoseCamelia +4

      I am sorry about the end of your relationship and impressed with your perspective on it. Awareness of your own relief to be done with it is the stuff of maturity.

      As for dating: Do you want to know more about this person? Do you want to know soon? If yes, ask him out. If not, wait until your desire changes.

      No dating when you don’t feel up to it. And just because dating seemed like a good idea last week does not mean you have to feel like dating next week. Try hard to keep in touch with how you feel, day to day.

      There is no Mr/Ms Right. Each of us is compatible as lovers with dozens of fellow humans, scattered about the globe. You might meet some of those dozens. Until you do, each person you meet is a friend or a short-term lover. The odds are overwhelming that each person you meet is *not* right long-term. Keeping that awareness is hard and oddly comforting.

      Good for you, realizing what you really want. You want to get married, but only if you meet someone who makes a good partner for you and of you, right? Not just a desire for *being* married, right?

      I trust you to know what’s right for you, even if it includes ignoring me. I wish you serenity and joy.

      1. eegghh +1

        Oh yeah, this is a guy I’ve known at an arm’s length a long time. Met through work several years ago, but we don’t work the same place, and he doesn’t even work at that place anymore. Always had a nice little crush. Know him a tiny bit socially- he’d been to a few parties we hosted, but he’s not inner circle for either me or the ex. If nothing else, he could make a nice friend.

        This is also under the toe dipping aspect of things. The thought of a whole online thing at this point exhausts me, but revisiting people I’ve past thought, “ooh cute”, just to look around, seems doable.

        Oh yeah absolutely on the who I’d marry. I wanted to get married in my last relationship, with some reservations linked up to his reservations. I realize that if what I had last time was maybe an 8.5, I want at least a 9.2 or more, but that for me, it has to be a 9.2 that also thinks marriage is cool.

    2. steelyglints +2

      I think 2 months is fine! I started dating again less than a month outta a long term (almost 7 years!) relationship. It was fun and took my mind off the bummer of realizing how much time I’d just wasted. If you need time go ahead, take it but I don’t think anyone should feel like that need to. I didn’t and I’m totally fine (and super happy with someone else!). Go ask that man for drinks!

      1. eegghh +1

        I mostly just want to check extremely superficially that 2 months is a good, “she took enough time, but she’s not wallowing” measure. I am the type who can and has just jumped right back in after a long term thing, without taking much stock…and that’s been alternately fun and disastrous. But this time I think I want to be measured. Have drinks with people I like, go on a few dates, maybe one every other week?

        And if I get back home over the holidays have a hot hot fling with an old friend from college. It’s happened before post break up, and I feel like if I do it twice it gets to be a tradition.

    3. super_novice +1

      Yeah, I feel like two months is a good amount of time to start dipping your toes in the pool, especially if it feels right for you.

    4. paddlepickle +2

      Ha I totally did not make the connection between this post and you until you mentioned the relationship in the other thread (that I for some reason can’t reply on now?). I think 2 months out is totally fine, especially if you take things slow and don’t instantly build a fantasy castle, as we previously discussed.

      Also, thanks for all your gread advice. I briefly suspected you of actually being my therapist ;).

      1. eegghh +3

        My pleasure! I only play therapist online. Cheaper than grad school. IRL I do dumb stuff in a local govt. My wisdom comes from past foolish choices, and the willingness to be a test subject.

    5. thisclimbingbean +1

      I’m sorry about your relationship 🙁 You have a good sense of perspective, though, and I’m glad there is a relief to it as well. I think 2 months is a good amount of time. In the end, it’s basically however long it takes for you to feel like you really want to jump back into it again.

  124. citizenchristy +1

    My husband got us tickets as a combined Valentine’s Day/birthday gift for me (he bought them on Valentine’s Day for the show a few days before my birthday). It was the most expensive show I’ve ever been to, but it was absolutely worth it. From what I can gauge, he’s just going to keep doing this as long as they’ll have him, and the shows keep selling out, so you have some time!

    He opened with “Miami 2017” and that’s the first time I teared up because, damn.

    1. ramina +1

      Oh man, I would be crying forever.

      I know they’re sold out through the end of the year, at least – but I keep trying to call into Q104 to get free tickets. It could happen someday, right???

  126. sloth_n +7

    That makes complete sense! I would never suggest you accommodate other people being rude on the street. But unfortunately I do know a small handful of people who have taken this far beyond it’s original intent and are purposely moving into the paths of others and when they don’t see them coming people get knocked into. I just wanted to add my note above so that other people reading this understand it’s about not accommodating other people’s rudeness, not being rude yourself. I’m sure everyone here understands that but other people reading it might not.

  127. grandma_nancy +5

    DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN?????

    SORRY BUT WE’RE GONNA WIN THE WORLD SERIES BYEEEEEEEEE I LOVE BASEBALL

  128. RoseCamelia +2

    No, this seems quite normal. I’ve felt this very sequence. I know others who have, as well. You’re doing fine. But you don’t need my say-so. You feel better, so you know you’re doing fine.

    1. blunderbusst +1

      “You feel better, so you know you’re doing fine.” If ever there was a candidate for a sampler…

  129. paddlepickle +7

    Oh man, you know me. This framework that I’m just too charming is much more flattering than what I’ve been thinking, too :). My therapist has also been encouraging me to think more about how these relationships are co-created and my response is always just “NO THEY’RE NOT THE MEN ARE JUST LYING LIARS”, so this is really helpful to think about. I also get caught in this push-and-pull between “Don’t make fantasy castles!” and “It’s boring not to have fantasy castles, aren’t I allowed to have fun as long as I know it is one?” And I am also pretty easily charmed– I feel like I have met tons of men who have all the things I want in a partner, except they don’t want to be with me.

    So have you been in on a dating hiatus, then? How long has it been/how has it been for you?

    1. eegghh +1

      Well….I’m just out of a 4.5 year relationship so…3 weeks + 4.5 years? However, before that one lets see…in my last phase I’d say I dated for about 7 months or so with varying levels of success, then took a 4 month hiatus, then dated about 1 month and then ended up in my last relationship. The hiatus was good for me because I was just getting myself into drama for the sake of it.

      I also took some hiatuses post college break up. At least 3 months or so usually.

    2. er_argh +1

      I loved this exchange. Someone on the internet genuinely helped someone else on the internet! Such good advice too, I’m bookmarking it for when I end my current dating hiatus.

  130. dakimel +9

    My 21st anniversary was yesterday, so hubby & I drank at lunch then I took a booze-inspired nap then we drank more at dinner. It was great.

    And today it’s cool enough to justify long pants for the first time since May. We’re seeing a comedy show tonight, and my pets have both learned to use the pet flap in the storm door I installed last weekend, and my writing has been going well again. All in all, life in the dakimel world is winning. Yay!

  131. Goomaly +5

    I’M TAKING MY DOG CAMPING THIS WEEKEND

    It’s actually part-time camping where we are meeting friends who are themselves camping.

    I’m excited but also terrified that she will get off her leash and run off :(( But we have been practicing for a month, so…

    1. allofthewhine +2

      My dog loves camping, but tends to go exploring and sometimes not return immediately, so we do a few things:
      1. Make him come to us every few minutes, even if we can see him and give him treats.
      2. If he doesn’t come immediately when he is called, he gets tied to a nearby tree.
      3. A bike light clipped to his collar for nighttime.
      4. Our pup is scared of fires (naturally) so he gets tied up after we have dinner.

      Have fun! Fall camping is the best !!

  132. socktantrum +14

    This is late in the day and I hardly ever post, but I just wanted to tell you awesome internet ladies that I got the Mirena put in on Tuesday and I am SO HAPPY. My doctor was in surgery and running late so things were hectic–I’d initially scheduled the appointment at 9 so I could go teach a class at 11 and/or call in reinforcements if I felt shitty, but as it happened he basically shot the thing into my uterus at 10:35 and I jogged up the hill to go teach. I kind of felt like a superhero after that one. A crampy, sweaty superhero.

  133. wrappedupinbooks +11

    Today I saw a man who was wrongfully convicted of felony murder speak. His house burned down, and his wife and kids died, and he was severely injured and he was accused of setting the fire. He was incarcerated for 26 years based on junk science, essentially (we know a lot more about how fires start and spread now than we did in the 1980s, and this case probably wouldn’t have made it to trial today. AND someone fucked up reading tests of some carpet samples and thought there was gasoline involved when there wasn’t). It was just so sad to see someone who lost everything and then lost 26 years on top of it. I mean, that’s longer than I’ve been alive. He was so resilient! He has a job, found someone else to love, and is really active in exoneration reform in this state. If it wasn’t for the clinic at my school, he would have spent the rest of his life in jail (mandatory sentencing). I’m just having so many feelings about this. The system is so, so fucked.

    1. bocadelperro +2

      Was this in Tucson? If so, know a few people who worked on his appeal, and they have all said that he is the nicest person they have ever worked with. If this is the same guy, I’m glad to hear he’s adjusting to freedom well.

    2. laurenipsum +2

      Wow, amazing. I think I may have read a story about this person. God forbid there’s more than one case like this. 🙁

      Thanks for sharing the update about his current situation.

  134. paddlepickle +2

    I have been trying to read it but I keep stopping. For one thing, I tend to have a lot of anxiety about violence/accidents and when it occurs in books I really want to read I skim over it or deal with it with gritted teeth because it’s worth it to get the awesomeness of the book. But the way this one is set up to sloooooowly reveal the terrible thing that happens is just torturous.

    However, I DID discover that John Darnielle has a side project called the Extra Lens that basically sounds like old-school Mountain Goats but more recent. Highly reccomend.

  135. bmorganjoy +2

    Slow introductions, lots of exciting treats, and lots of playtime. The most important thing is to be calm and patient.
    The Jackson Galaxy method, basically.

    Edit: okay, Intense Debate, HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
    This was intended as a reply about cat/kitten introductions.

  136. ChloeKEvil +5

    For reasons only known to himself, my first bus driver this morning gave me a transfer that expired three hours later- twice as long as it was supposed to last. That just made my whole morning- I was able to go to my psychiatrist appointment, then grocery shopping and filling my prescription, all without using a second bus ticket. Thank you, nice driver!

    Today is the day when I found out whether my house is getting actually sold or not. I don’t particularly want it to, but I don’t dread it quite as much as I did- my mom has reassured me that no matter what, I’ll have SOMEWHERE to live. That might end up being at my dad’s weird shop/apartments that he owns, but it’ll be somewhere.

    1. Absotively +1

      Yay bus transfer! I think that happens mostly when the driver doesn’t want to be bothered adjusting the transfer holder for an hour and a half, but it’s still really nice.

      Good luck with the house.

  137. bmorganjoy +1

    This is REALLY reassuring as I’m headed to Osan to see my partner in a couple of weeks. I’ll be there a little less than a month. I will miss my cats desperately (where can I go in the Seoul/Pyeongtaek area to pet cats?). And my spinning wheels and sewing machine (somewhat less than my cats).

    I’m worried that it’ll be hard to find places to eat ’cause I’m vegan? Also how do I find awesome fabric stores because that is a thing I need. A lot. All the time.

    1. Soo

      It’s been forever since my last visit to S Korea, but I occasionally read this blog (alien’s day out) you might find helpful about a vegan living in Korea who runs her own vegan bakery/cafe there, and many of her posts focus on vegan-friendly restaurants and dishes in and around Seoul.

      1. bmorganjoy +1

        WOW, she’s got a great list of restaurants there, that is wildly convenient. Thank you!

    2. theskyrbeast +1

      There is a really good Buddhist vegetarian restaurant in Insadong (maybe by Ssamzigil?) that several friends recommend. (I don’t know of any explicitly vegan restaurants, though–sorry.) There’s also a cat cafe in the Myeong-dang neighborhood. For fabric, I got lost in the Dongdaemon market once and ended up in the section filled with stalls run by elderly ladies selling bolts of silks and other fabrics. (So, go to Dongdaemon, and get lost? I think if you aim for the northwest corner, you should hit that area eventually. It’s a cool market!)

    3. tigrisparty +1

      Food-wise, how strict of a vegan are you? If you’re VERY strict, Korean cuisine could be a minefield, especially since veganism isn’t as well known (or taken seriously or simply distinguished from vegetarianism). For example, kimchi jjigae would be vegetarian, but it may not be vegan, as jjigae broths often use anchovies as broth flavouring for “umami” depth of flavour (similar to MSG). Ditto many fermented red kimchis (for real, the anchovy is often used in the sauce prep before being removed), depending on what recipe is used.

      I did google up this though, might be handy: http://asiaenglish.visitkorea.or.kr/ena/CU/CU_EN_…

  138. bmorganjoy +1

    :O
    I just finished plying the third skein in a four-skein combination spin, which means I will soon have one pound of lovely fluffy yarn that’ll probably go in my etsy shop! For me, that’s a sweater lot, but from what I’ve seen people generally like at least 1.5lbs for a sweater–so I’m not sure if I should put it up as a sweater lot, all 4 skeins, or list them separately. Anybody have any thoughts?
    Also, perhaps I should make a coupon code for Toasties? I’m sort of desperate to get some of this yarn out of my home, as it’s spilling out of the drawer designated for it.

    (okay, what if I try posting in reply to a different part of the comment thread? can I do THAT?)

  139. bmorganjoy +9

    I just bought THREE bra kits and remeasured myself. I’m wearing 34C, but it looks now like I should be aiming for a 32D. Norma Loehr has some great information over at http://www.orange-lingerie.com/ and her book and pattern make the process of bramaking seem so clear and unintimidating if you have some basic sewing machine skills. I can’t wait for my supplies to arrive!
    oh my GOSH POST THE COMMENT WHERE I PUT THE COMMENT I AM GOING TO BITE THIS INTERNET I WILL I WILL DO IT
    I WILL BITE THE INTERNET WITH MY TEETH

    1. Upsidedown_Cake +1

      I’m catching up on the open thread a day late because I actually had to work at work on Friday (cruel and unusual) and “I WILL BITE THE INTERNET WITH MY TEETH” is wonderful. Just wonderful.

  140. thenotestaken +1

    Likely no one will see this, but any Toasties in Hamilton, ON, Canada? Let’s hang out!

  141. danceintrees +26

    SO, remember that post that Mallory did a while back about how we should go to National Parks with our grandmothers? http://the-toast.net/2014/03/24/mallory-went-on-v… Well I put it on my grandmother’s facebook long ago. When she (finally) discovered it a couple weeks ago, she said WELL YES LET’S.

    Anyway so yesterday I did a five mile hike with a 78-year old in Glacier National Park and we have been staying in a glorious hotel and having incredible dinners and breakfasts out and drinking lots of wine and today we went on an old-fashioned red bus tour with a marvelous 72-year old Texan driver/tour guide who used to drive an enormous vehicle in ANTARCTICA only five years ago and then we drove up the Going-To-The-Sun Road and it was MAGNIFICENT. She is currently drinking scotch by the fireplace in the lobby as I write this. I am about to go do so.

    Thanks Mallory. And Mallory’s Grandmother. We would not have done this without you.

    4. thisclimbingbean +4

      That is so, so cool. I want to be able to do this with my grandchildren 😀

      (Should just clarify that my own children are all under 8, so it’ll be a while, but it just looks very fun, and I would love to do it when the time comes)

      1. danceintrees +3

        DO ITTTT. Actually, if this particular place is what looks fun I would strongly encourage you to do it with Your Own Children asap, because the glaciers in Glacier National Park will be gone in 7-15 years.

        I hope you do also get to do this sort of thing with those grandchildren. We’ve just had the best time. Highly recommended.

        1. thisclimbingbean +2

          That’s so sad, isn’t it 🙁 I don’t think we’d manage to make it over by then, which is a shame, but we do have some cool places to see near where we live, and when they get a little older, I definitely want to take them hiking. I go quite regularly with the Handsome Sidekick but because I actually want to enjoy myself, we do it when they’re at school/daycare 🙂

  142. thisclimbingbean +8

    Toasties, I managed to complete my novel* and sent it off to be considered for this mentorship:
    http://www.writingwa.org/programmes-services/writ…

    I don’t hear back until January so I’m just going to do my thing, getting friends to read it and give me feedback and if I win, awesome, and if I don’t, it still spurred me on to complete the thing.

    It really took it out of me, though. I didn’t realise how exhausted I was. I’m trying to do very mundane things like clean the kitchen or make snacks for children and I’m so lethargic and not interested in doing anything. I’m taking the week off writing anything to recover. Phew.

    *Ok, the first draft, but it’s a COMPLETE first draft!

      1. thisclimbingbean +2

        I did reply to you but it posted itself underneath. Then when I replied to Bryn Plus Others it posted correctly. I am so confused.

    3. dakimel +2

      well well well done you! getting the draft done is HUGE and you’re wise to take a brain-break before you move on to Next Thing/Phase.

      Good luck with the mentorship! Looks grand.

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        Thank you! I’m actually able to concentrate on… things today. Yesterday I was a dead loss.

        It does look good, doesn’t it? I’m so hoping they pick me!

  143. thisclimbingbean +2

    Thank you! I’ve sorted everyone out so they’re either napping or playing/watching a movie, and am just chilling here quietly by myself. The quiet is really great.

    1. LeastBittern +1

      I see you! (This comment thing has been happening all day.)

      I am impressed by your writing AND your parenting, because quiet with children is also impressive.

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        Haha, thanks. I’ve promised an outing this afternoon, so they’re just biding their time to go crazy 😀

  144. bmorganjoy +1

    Very strict, like, traces of animal parts or eggs or dairy will make me very ill. I usually plan outings around where I can find something to eat because of it.

    Oooh! Thanks for the link, that looks like it’ll be pretty helpful.

  145. er_argh +1

    Any toasties in London?
    Also, is it just me or has the toast been totally killing it lately?
    I actually started to write them a fan letter but I felt too shy.

  146. mustacheddragon

    I was in a similar situation (older people I got along OK with but had nothing in common and people my age that I just didn't click with At All) and one of the best things I read that helped me was you don't have to be the office princess and you don't need to have people like you at work because it's just work and you can go home at the end of the day and to hell with them. It was super depressing but I used the time to put myself in a position to get a job that I liked with a much better work culture.

  147. suggestionnoted

    Ha! And people of her age cohort dare to accuse millenials of demanding 'instant gratification' and needing to have their hand held through everything?!? PROJECTION MUCH, LAZY BOOMERS?!?

  148. damngoodcoffee

    We had that going around my office the past couple of weeks as well. It makes me paranoid because one of my friends had undiagnosed strep that turned into rheumatic fever. I'm so sorry you're sick (and I'm assuming had to do a throat culture which I dread like nothing else) but at least it's being taken care of by some yummy (from what I remember, strep medicine is yummy) meds and will be better soon.

  149. climbing bean

    Woohoo! Dogsitting is such fun!

    The cat will tolerate it, but depending on the severity of the sulk, you may need to do some serious sucking up once the dog is gone 🙂

  151. damngoodcoffee

    I totally understand. There's so much pressure in a lot of offices (especially ones with a lot of people in their 20s/30s) to do EVERYTHING together at work, and maybe outside of work as well. But if I'm not connecting with my coworkers I'd just rather be alone so I can get actual work done. Unfortunately there's no real solution to it, as whether or not anyone likes their coworkers is pretty hit or miss. I think each person needs to ultimately decide if it bothers them enough to start looking for something else.

  152. jimmyjimjimjim +2

    So at Target we’ve had Christmas stuff up for about two weeks; the Halloween stuff just went on flex, which means we no longer have actual shelf locations anymore and its probably hitting clearance in a week.

    You’ll notice we are 5 days into October.

  153. hellebore_

    Your bunny is completely adorable!

    You do a great job putting down carefresh/animal bedding to keep the wire from hurting her paws. It must be a lot of work keeping her cage covered in carefresh/small animal bedding, though, to prevent paw damage. Are you considering putting mats down in most of the cage, and just keeping the carefresh stuff in the litter box? It would probably save a lot of time & money & be very healthy for her. You can buy mats in all kinds of rabbit-friendly edible/chewable/nontoxic materials now, woven grass (from Peter's), seagrass, coconut (those are striped and very cute), or even untreated jute or an undyed cotton towel or tea towel is totally fine, and makes rabbits feel a lot more secure.

    I don't know if your bunny is litterbox-trained or not, but most rabbits litterbox-train nicely if there is a clear distinction between litterbox area and the rest of their territory. Certainly for pee, and probably for poops, too. Just put her hay near the litterbox and encourage her. It would also make her cage a lot cozier and more interesting for her if you put mats down – more variety to sniff & nibble & dig at & rearrange. And it would give her something to gnaw to keep her teeth trim.

    Sorry for the unsolicited advice/potential assvice. I am just a pet owner too, with a sweet elderly bunny, who thinks yours is lovely too! (I wish I had a picture to post, but I am bad at that). Here's a good link, by the way – the people who run this site are magic with rabbits. http://www.rabbitnetwork.org/articles/basics.shtm…