The Constitutional right to read the comments.

The Constitutional right to call something The Fappening.

The Constitutional right to tailgate an ambulance through heavy traffic because no one else thought of that.

The Constitutional right to drunk Tweet.

The Constitutional right to actually.

The Constitutional right to namedrop.

The Constitutional right to bear arms in a Kroger’s “for the chicks.”

The Constitutional right to Take.

The Constitutional right to yell SIRE in a crowded theater just to see what happens.

The Constitutional right to miss hard-format media.

The Constitutional right to publicly mourn dead celebs.

The Constitutional right to save the planet from feminism.

The Constitutional right to non-conform en masse.

The Constitutional right to argue with your significant other on the train like an asshole.

The Constitutional right to swarm-proscribe behavior on social media.

The Constitutional right to become an instant expert on any two of Syria, ISIS, Libya, Gaza and Ebola.

The Constitutional right to Mumford.

The Constitutional right to Not All Cops.

The Constitutional right to namedrop in a Take swarm-proscribing behavior concerning dead celebs on social media.

The Constitutional right to pine for websites of yore.

The Constitutional right to crush on someone for so long that it creates an actual physical pain near where you imagine your heart to be.

The Constitutional right to shoot an unarmed citizen, because you are a cop and by definition always imperiled.

The Constitutional right to why do fools fall in love? Because they’re fools, duh.

The Constitutional right to save the poor by starving them.

The Constitutional right to no, you’re being intolerant of ME.

The Constitutional right to hate the president because he is black, in a non-racist way.

The Constitutional right to hear both sides.

The Constitutional right to introduce ridiculous bullshit arguments in a Circuit court in defense of a bullshit laws on the wrong side of history, with a straight face.

The Constitutional right to get down.

The Constitutional right to get back up again.

The Constitutional right to stop and smell the flowers.

The Constitutional right to advance the notion that Big Government is a bad thing without any empirical data whatsoever other than a shitty Ayn Rand novel you read twenty years ago.

The Constitutional right to feel like something is true.

The Constitutional right to aggregate.

The Constitutional right to have your manuscript accepted by a publisher.

The Constitutional right to a District Attorney Clowncar Rodeo.

The Constitutional right to disrupt.

The Constitutional right to bail on three out of four social obligations.

The Constitutional right to more Adam Sandler movies.

The Constitutional right to decide whether to end an argument by murder threat or by self-murder threat.

The Constitutional right to stop, drop and roll.

The Constitutional right to sock puppet.

The Constitutional right to plagiarize/abrogate laws in the commission of aggregation/disruption.

The Constitutional right to suggest that this would be a good time to move the conversation to Kinja.

The Constitutional right to sock puppet.

The Constitutional right to wonder is that all there is?

The Constitutional right to keep it between the yellow lines.

The Constitutional right to conflate wealth with virtue.

The Constitutional right to sing it and not bring it.

The Constitutional right to act like you hit a triple when you were born on third base.

The Constitutional right to conflate contrarianism with somehow not being an asshole.

The Constitutional right to act like you invented baseball when you were born on third base, and you are a VC.

The Constitutional right to blame the victim, because seriously, if the victim wasn’t inviting victimhood, the victim wouldn’t be a victim, which is proved by Ronald Reagan the greatest American to ever be an American, as you set forth in your newsletter.

The Constitutional right to, actually, it’s about ethics in yer mom.

The Constitutional right to just know that something good is going to happen.

The Constitutional right to not know when.

The Constitutional right to as if saying it could even make it happen.

The Constitutional right to yay-ee yay-ee yay-ee, yohhhh.