It’s almost Christmas and all over the Internet, mom blogs are filling up with gift guides for babies. You’ve seen these. They’re packed with affiliate links and, therefore, stocked with the priciest and most instagrammable versions of things you might typically buy for a child. Gifts like this $167 hoodie. For a baby. And these $60 shoes sized for a non-walker. And this $198 rag doll. You read that right. Who in their right mind would buy this for a child? If someone bought my kid a $200 doll, I wouldn’t put it in his toy box; I’d put it in our safe deposit box.
As the mom of a two-year-old (who is not armed with affiliate links), I’m here to level with you. Here is my gift guide to what your kid really wants this Christmas.
Age 0-3 Months
Nothing. Babies this age can’t do anything! Save your money for when they can actually focus their vision on fixed objects. If you simply must wrap something up, make it clothes. And pick a pattern that will look good with poop on it.
Age 4-8 Months
- Paper
- Toilet paper
- Grocery store receipts
- A used dog dish (or anything else disgusting)
Age 8 Months, 1 Week and 3 Days
- URGENT: A butter spreader with a handle shaped like a gingerbread man from your aunt’s house
Age 9 Months-1 Year
- Goldfish crackers
- A small bag of sand and a box of plastic spoons
- A 2/3 full box of tissues
- Anything with a zipper
- Popsicle sticks
- Your rich friend’s watch (for teething)
1 Year, 4 Months and 6 Days
- A box. Any box. Every box.
Age 1-2 Years
- As many birthday candles as you can afford
- Empty shampoo bottle
- An acorn and, if he loses it, a different acorn
- Your books (not kids’ books; only yours)
- A cell phone that’s already broken
- Clicky pens; the more apt to bleed ink everywhere, the better
Of course, if you simply must go the other way, babies also really love to mess with your MacBook Air. Recommended.
Tags: aubrey hirsch, gift guide, holidays, loco parentis, parenting, the butter
I am very into buying presents for my baby nephew for entirely selfish reasons– I’ve realized that there is a small window of time where I can make him wear an adorable hat with an elephant trunk and ears on it, or a bathrobe that makes him look like a shark, without him realizing what I’m doing to him and resisting. He may hate me when he grows up but WORTH IT.
I want one of those shark bathrobes for myself, not gonna lie. 🙁
Yeah it is SUPER unfair that they don’t make most of these things for adults. After buying the elephant hat I realized it would also be a perfect gift for my best friend but his head is at least a little bit bigger than a baby’s 🙁
For Halloween, a nephew wore gray a hoodie with white felt teeth ringing the hood, eyes stuck to the outside, and a dorsal fin sewn to the back, and I realized it would take me maybe an hour to whip up the same hoodie. Pretty excited about that, not gonna lie.
My niece’s hallmate in college has an adult-sized dinosaur onesie. I am beyond envy.
Have been actively doing this to my daughter for 16 months now. I figure I might get 18 more months out of the fun before she revolts.
SO TRUE! M. Siniichulok lost my favorite winter hat of Toddler Siniichulok’s, a dark gray knitted number with bear ears and a chin flap (so he can’t take it off). I made him order another, nearly identical one, because bear ears. And it’s hard to find tiny boy hats that don’t look like mini adult hats around these parts.
I wish this was exaggeration. I contend that there should be a store for kids just filled with different kinds and sizes of boxes.
My parents still remind me of the time (age 4-5? something like that?) when all I wanted for my birthday was my very own laundry basket so I could play in it without anyone trying to, you know, put clothes in it.
I bought myself a laundry basket when I was six. We had a yard sale because we were moving, and I had to sell the toys I didn’t play with any more (mostly baby toys–I was allowed to keep anything I had a deep attachment to; we were just limited in how much space was in the truck, so if I didn’t love it or play with it, it went), but I got the money to spend once we were in our new place.
I bought a laundry basket to play with, the Nancy Drew cookbook, and one of those four-color clicky pens (my dad had one for grading papers, I was not allowed to touch it because I always screwed it up, I wanted it). There were pictures of me in the basket from the next year, at least.
CARSON DREW’S CHEESECAKE. First thing I ever baked.
Wait. Wait. There’s a Nancy Drew cookbook? I would have learned to cook far, far sooner.
That’s adorable. Did they give it to you?
They did! It was glorious.
I was maybe 3-4 and my parents bought my sister and me a trash can – a large, clean, plastic trash can that we loved rolling around and playing in. A real hit at our house…and practical. Dad just put it to it’s proper use once we got tired of it.
One of my nephews displayed even more enthusiasm than babies usually do to yank Kleenex tissues out of a full box, and I had the pleasure of being present the Christmas that his parents hit upon the brilliant idea of giving their tiny child a BRAND NEW BOX of Kleenex as a gift.
Of course, he ignored it completely, because it wasn’t the tissues he loved; it was the fuss of “ohnonono” that accompanied his hasty tearing through the house supply of tissues.
My two year old niece has just aged out of these, but I still think that a broken cell phone may be a good idea, since she’s already figured out how to steal mommy’s and call Aunt Elyse so it’s only a matter of time until she has mommy’s to herself.
This is 100% accurate. 10/10, would sacrifice clicky pens for sanity again.
I gave my eight-month-old niece a board book. She immediately put it in her mouth and started chewing. Clearly, lifelong love of reading = on its way.
There was a 14 month old at my boyfriend’s famiy party. I can attest that any cell phone is high on his list. Closely followed by ball (any ball), and a santa wine stopper.
Hah – so true.
Also – your glasses. I think this starts at 4 or 6 months and never really ends – my 13 year old nephew still likes to try on my glasses.
Ages 2 – 8
Stickers. I’m so sad that my older nephews no longer get excited about stickers (because 13 and 16 year olds don’t get excited about anything, apparently). Fortunately, there are enough little kids in my family that I can still show up with a strip of stickers and be a hero. It’s a heady feeling.
I got to hold one of my cousin’s kids about a week after he was born, and while he wasn’t quite up to focusing his eyes yet, he was definitely interested in 1. my glasses, and 2. my necklace. Fortunately for everyone, he also lacked the motor control necessary to grab either of them.
Ugh, yes about teens who aren’t excited about anything. My nephews are 13 and 14 and I just can’t with them. If I was like that at their age, I don’t know how my family didn’t kill me.
definitely true. Be patient though. For my cousins at least, it’s so cool when they get to 18-19 and come out of their shell and you can hang out with them. Like, where did you come from?!?
Ooh! I can’t wait!
ALL children that age are assholes, more or less. You just have to ride it out with them, and revel in the rare times that they are not assholes.
The best gift for teens is autonomy; if that means choking down my better instincts and getting them a stack of gift cards and things off their amazon wish list, so be it.
All true! Plus stacking cat food cans, dog food kibble, and post it notes
I spent the family Christmas party watching over my cousin’s one-year-old. It was a pretty easy gig, because he spent most of the party fascinated by a miniature plastic Christmas tree that had a train winding around it. Then he figured out that if he pressed a button on the tree, he could make the train stop and start, and that was a good two hours of entertainment for him.
When he got bored with the train, he amused himself pulling Tinkertoys apart.
Not gonna lie, that sounds like a good way to spend two hours myself, too.
Also dangly earrings, as long as they are in your ears.
I’ve run interference at many a party by distracting tiny children with jingly, dangly earrings.
Glasses. If I had disposable income, I would get lasik ASAP. MiniWren can’t stop ripping them off my face, even though rules have been laid down, and things are better, there are still moments where impulse control does not exist. The poor employees at the eyeglasses store look at my frames in abject horror every time I bring them in for an adjustment. I don’t blame them. It’s a miracle they’re still in one piece.
This was in response to Cleo!
When my kid was a toddler I had to switch to contact lenses because she snapped both my pairs of glasses in half in the span of a week. I gave up in despair. I was so happy when she got to be old enough to mostly leave them alone.
There seems to be this moment of clarity when they realize that those things we wear on our faces come off, and then nothing is better than removing the glasses at every opportunity.
I once took care of a little girl with severe developmental disabilities — couldn’t walk or talk and had very limited interaction abilities. But man did she love taking glasses off people’s faces. And she was so fast and so skilled at it that she had them off and in her hands before you even saw her move. And she was so delighted every time, it was almost worth the risk of having my only pair destroyed!
This love of taking things off of people’s faces extends to piercings too. I’ve had more than one wee ‘un try to steal my nostril stud from out of my nose.
There’s a rule in our house that Christmas Stockings must always include something that makes a noise. Why the hell this was not only instituted but maintained I have no idea. I think the best variant was a kazoo though.
Susan: I don’t remember them asking for anything that makes a noise.
Death: THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE. OTHERWISE, WHAT IS 4:30 A.M FOR?
(from Pratchett’s Hogfather, of course!)
Great minds 🙂
Happy Hogswatch, one and all. To quote one of our greatest minds, “nobody knows how good we can live, on boots three times a day’.
My niece's hallmate in college has an adult-sized dinosaur onesie. I am beyond envy.
Not gonna lie, that sounds like a good way to spend two hours myself, too.
6 months: Your face, your hair, your ears, your phone, a diaper.
5 years: A box of Cheez-It’s all to himself, even more clicky pens and pencils, Lego sets that don’t exist, finger lights for dance parties.
6 months: Your face, your hair, your ears, your phone, a diaper.
5 years: A box of Cheez-It's all to himself, even more clicky pens and pencils, Lego sets that don't exist, finger lights for dance parties.
Wait. Wait. There's a Nancy Drew cookbook? I would have learned to cook far, far sooner.
When the child finishes with the box it can be recycled as a cat toy!
Also the brown paper that Amazon uses to pad delicate objects. I love that stuff. I mean, my children love it. Yes, that's what I meant. I am a grown up.
Oh my, yes. And agreeing with daisicles, this isn't limited to childhood. Just two years ago, when I was age 28, a friend gave me a large, carefully wrapped and adorned box full of bubblewrap as my birthday present and it was the most delightful gift i've ever received.
I cannot believe no one mentioned band-aids! Best for ages 1 to 8. Especially the ones with characters. My middle-aged toddler (aka spouse) loves it when I bring home a box of Sponge Bob bandages. It takes two to go all the way around his thumb.
I got Monsters University band-aids in my stocking this year and squealed with delight.
I’m 38.
Update from late-30s: will still conspire with my sister to see if she can fit in the box, if I can fit in the box, and (since weight watchers), if we can both fit in the box.
I got Space Boy plasters in my stocking and they are great. I don't know who Space Boy is, but he has little hearts on his rocket ship which NASA should look into.
Where do we sign the petition for that?