How to Make a Recreational Women’s Ice Hockey League -The Toast

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Home: The Toast

Photo via Wikimedia Commons
Photo via Wikimedia Commons Photo via Wikimedia Commons



1 neglected inner city ice rink

1 collective willing to administer the league for no pay

72 hockey players (see below)


Hockey players:

45 lesbians

12 people from rest of the LGBTQ spectrum

8 spaghetti girls (straight until wet)

6 heterosexual women

1 woman with frustratingly ambiguous sexuality


Divide hockey players into 6 separate teams until each mixture resembles optimal combination of ex-girlfriends, secret affairs and unattainable straight women. Whisk in flirtatious spectators, patient referees and passionate body contact.

Lightly brush on ice time at undesirable hours, threadbare hockey equipment and belittlement from male relations (“it’s not, like, real ice hockey, right?”).

Bring everything to a boil at end-of-season party with inoffensive retro music, drunken confessions and awkward smalltalk prompted by annual realization that all anyone actually has in common is organized competition inside a cold building.

*Spice up your garnish by replacing traditional plastic trophies with something practical, like durable picnic blankets*

Serve with seemingly endless awards ceremony.

Freeze leftovers until next season.

Ellie Gordon-Moershel is an independant audio producer, writer and occasional storyteller based in Toronto.

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