At the Pacific Standard, Mark Lukach writes about how mental illness can affect a marriage.
After only a few weeks in her new position, Giulia’s anxiety level rose beyond anything I’d ever seen. She’d always been a bit high-strung, holding herself to impeccable standards. Now, at age 27, she was petrified, actually frozen—terrified of disappointing people and making the wrong impression. She’d spend all day at work trying to compose a single email, forward the text to me to edit, and still not send it. Her mind lost room for anything but worries. At dinner she stared at her meal; at night she stared at the ceiling. I stayed up as late as I could, trying to comfort her—I’m sure you’re doing a great job at work, you always do—but by midnight I inevitably dozed off, racked by guilt. I knew that while I slept, my sweet wife was trapped awake with her horrible thoughts, uncomfortably awaiting morning.
In an interview with the Los Angeles Review of Books, Lorelei Lee discusses Nabokov, the porn industry, power, and so much more. It’s one hell of a conversation.
In real life, I was actually the young girl. I was young and blonde and blue eyed and broke. In real life, being the young girl means having a false power. Men are always telling you about the power you have, but it sometimes seems to be a power entirely of their making and control. It’s a power based on someone else’s concept of your innocence. The imagined movie screen power of the young girl is in her naiveté. As soon as she acknowledges whatever power she might have, she fails at being the ideal of feminine youth everyone told her she already was. If she goes further and tries to control that power, there is a social subtraction from both her youth and her beauty. This is associated, of course, with the idea of the sexual potency of the virgin. As a young woman in this country (and in many others, as I understand), you are told that you possess this thing of great value — sex — whose value is only maintained by your not using it. You are told that you possess sex and men want it, and that the power you have is in knowing exactly how much you must offer without ever following through on any of it.
Because the Internet makes all things possible, there is a Larry David Lynch Tumblr.
The University of Pennsylvania is offering a course on the Slave South that looks really interesting in the way atrocities can be interesting.
Speaking of slavery, this one time, a black woman posed as a white slaveowner and her husband posed as her slave and they made their way north to freedom.
A few days before Christmas, 1848, a man named William Craft gave his wife Ellen a haircut—in fact, he cut it to the nape of her neck, far shorter than any other woman in Macon, Georgia, where the Crafts lived. They picked out her clothes—a cravat, a top hat, a fine coat—and went over the plan for what felt like the hundredth time.
Ellen was scared. “I think it is almost too much for us to undertake; however, I feel that God is on our side,” she would later write, “and with his assistance, notwithstanding all the difficulties, we shall be able to succeed.”
Ellen and William were Black, and they were enslaved. The morning after the haircut they would leave Macon forever, disguised—William as a slave, Ellen as his white master.
If it worked, they would be free.
Few things bring me as much unexpected and inexplicable pleasure as reading about real estate in New York City. It is so earnest and demonstrates true empathy for the plight of the wealthy. In this article, some buildings are full of apartments that people use as investments and pieds a terre so the doormen are all alone.
“Twenty-four percent of co-op and condo apartments citywide are not the primary residence of their owners,” said George V. Sweeting, the deputy director of the budget office, who oversaw the research. “Not all of these units are pieds-à-terre; many are likely owned by investors or original sponsors renting out the units.”
The last line of this article about riots in Ohio after Ohio State won a football game is excellent.
No problems were reported in Oregon.
Annie Tressler is an unabashed fangirl and I love her unabashedness.
I love books. And TV shows. And movies and James Franco. (Especially James.) I have trekked city blocks for miles to have books signed by their authors. I have run up to unassuming celebrities while walking to classes. I have asked for signatures on anything from a cardboard box to a napkin. And I’ve been doing these sort of things since the tender age of six. I am seasoned, sharp, and always on the prowl to scout out the whereabouts of bands, the latest book-signing, or the location of a celebrity at any given time. There’s something so intensely gratifying about obtaining that extremely sneaky pic of a tragically underrated B list celebrity, or snatching an almost indecipherable scrawled signature from Zach Braff. This is the heart of fangirling; the unbridled enthusiasm and revelation of self through different forms of art, media, music, and literature.
Here is a job for an idiot. Literally.
Do you have enemies? Ruin them with glitter.
Tags: link roundup, the internet
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There’s nothing more predictable than a Big 10 (12? 14?) riot.
Oh please, no one riots in OREGON. (I don’t think they would have rioted if they had won either). Oregonians are a laid back people.
The video of ‘rioting’ Seahawks fans refusing to jaywalk after the Super Bowl win is still my favorite part of last year’s sportsball.
As a born-and-raised Oregonian, I would really have been surprised to see even a single couch set on fire. Among other things, a proper Oregonian always has properly-prepared firewood on-hand, and knows how to build a bonfire.
Ahh, nothing reminds me of undergrad in Santa Barbara like an old fashioned couch burning. Not that I ever had a couch I could spare to burn (who does??) or condone such a thing, but it was a staple nonetheless (like people voting against their own interests!) there was always one or two out there demarcating “weekends”.
Setting furniture on fire always seemed terribly wasteful to me. Furniture costs money, people!
As someone who lives in Columbus, I can safely say that Ohio State fans would have rioted even if they lost.
I went to high school right by Michigan State in the late 90s. We know from rioting in the B1G.
As someone who grew up in Columbus as a non-Buckeye fan, I can agree and safely say “Ohio State fans” (as a whole, not necessarily all individuals) are terrifying in the aftermath of any big game.
Well, there was the Big Snowball Riot in Eugene in 1988.
There was a couch set on fire when I lived in Eugene but I don’t remember why. Some Greek system thing, I think?
Well, sure, but who doesn’t set a couch on fire now & again?
Commies.
I am, for not the first time, immensely unhappy that I do not know my enemies’ and exes’ home addresses.
Google solves a lot of these problems for you.
That NYT article (okay, really any NYT article on the plights of the urban wealthy/NYC real estate) is making me so, so happy to live in BFE, Northern Michigan. So happy.
Roxane is rocking it on the link roundup this a.m. Can’t wait to get to that Ellen Craft story.
That entire LARB Lolita series is wonderful (there are 3 interviews so far). I also love this quote, from the interview Roxane link to:
“Having sex as a young woman, and especially if you enjoy it, induces various social punishments. Becoming a sex worker means taking it even further — means saying I see exactly what kind of power this world is going to give me and I’m taking it. I think women of all ages and professions face this double edge of sexual expectation, and sex workers especially face it as a failure of our femininity. As a woman, and even more so as a sex worker, it takes a fierce resolve and tenacity to say: fucking doesn’t deplete my power. To say that there is no such thing as a “used up” woman. To say: I own my body.”
It really is a fascinating interview – she has a lot of interesting stuff to say. The part Roxane quoted is so good, too.
I did think she was talking her book a bit, or maybe being willfully optimistic, about the state of porn content in some parts, though. Her thoughts on the ‘young girl’ genre subverting the stereotypes because any woman who puts on the right outfit can play the virgin are really, really interesting and I love the idea — but I kind of doubt that most consumers are reading it that way. It seems to me to further the stereotype more than challenging it, in practice. Similarly, her arguments about pornography not necessarily targeting men seem pretty damn dubious.
It’s a great interview but I soured a bit when she went into industry practices – I have some close friends who’ve been approached to join porn agencies / behemoths and their experiences contradict some of the claims she makes about being pressured to get surgery, for example. But overall it sounds like she has a smart read of the Young Girl notion that they’re exploring.
Oh wow, not gonna read that mental illness in marriage article because I already feel guilty as hell.
I don’t know how my husband does it. I am NOT EASY to live with.
I’m feeling the same way. I am continually amazed and appreciative that my fiancee has been able to be so supportive of me through my various struggles.
Place me in the same category. Possibly the biggest source of my anxiety is worrying about how it impacts the ones I love. VICIOUS CYCLE.
I haven’t been able to hold down a job for years and I can’t keep my house clean and regularly the man I love comes home to find an unwashed, unclean wife, with a pale, sick face and red eyes just lying on the sofa saying awful things about herself
and
I FEEL SO BAD AND SO GUILTY.
So, no. Not reading it.
I don’t want to give a thumbs up to this because yeah, that really sucks and I wish I could give you a hug. I get it. xoxo
I read it and it might not make you feel guilty? Spoilers alert, it’s about what the right balance is between who controls the care of the person with mental illness- aka does her husband have a right to insist she take her pills if she isn’t psychotic, but she is doing one or two things that are things that might contribute to a break later? It’s a reflection on power when one person is in charge of the care of the other at times.
I dunno. Just started some tough self-esteem work with my therapist and I honestly think I’m just too fragile for anything that might make the brain weevils stretch and whisper mean things to me.
It won’t be a logical response – my brain will read the things you have described and say ‘see, he has to worry about ALL THIS STUFF with you, he has to CARE about that, you’re awful, you’re worthless, you’re scum. Just die, already.’
So, not putting myself in a position to do that to myself.
definitely no pressure, I wanted to provide a summary for anyone undecided whether or not to read it. I support saying no and respecting your own limits.
I read it yesterday … and found it a little cathartic to read. Just a moment of reminding me of the fact that I’m really not alone in this, and that feeling the constant guilt and power imbalances that goes on within a relationship like this doesn’t do anyone any good…
I’m not sure if it was the article, or just thinking about relationships, but I ended up being able to have a conversation that night with my husband about “okay, you want to help me? Here are things that you can do to help. Here are things that I need from you to get on a better track.”
Ugh. Thinking that the guilt isn’t helpful doesn’t make the guilt go away.
Here is a link to the Project Gutenberg edition of the book written by Ellen and William Craft, Running a Thousand Miles for Freedom.
Thank you! <3
Thank you! Added to my ever-growing “to read” list.
I’ve never done a coursera course! And I actually have a fairly good grounding in up-to-Civil War US history, so maybe this would be a good one to start with? But also, would it be a bad idea to try to take this during the months of the winter sads?
My comment may not be too helpful because I took the course during the cheerful summertime, but for me it was brutal but not in that overwhelming way that makes you despair about the human condition. The professor doesn’t just run through a litany of horrors (though of course there are horrors), she takes the perspective of examining how every aspect of society in the South/country/hemisphere was predicated on slavery. I had a pretty good grounding and still felt like I learned a lot.
…that said, it’ll probably come around in the summer again, so if you’re worried about the emotional impact I don’t think you’ll miss it if you hold off! It’s also very low commitment to sign up, so you could watch the first few lectures (if I’m remembering right, one of them is about the Haitian sugar plantations, so…about as bad as it gets), gauge your emotional reaction, and then forge ahead or not.
Ooh ooh is this also a place where we can plug online courses that are somewhat related to the topic at hand?
Jonathan Holloway’s African-America History from Emancipation to Present course on the open Yale courses (attempting html link… here!) is amazing. Warning warning warning, some of his lectures did lead me to lie awake shaking in horror. I am still very glad I watched it, though.
I signed up for the Slave South course. It comes at a good time for me. I’m going back to work 30 hours a week, but those hours will mostly be on long weekend days, so there’s still the workweek dead zone where I stare at my precious infant, and say, “Ok, buddy! I’m out of ideas!” It hadn’t occurred to me to look into online courses. Any other Toasties signing up?
Not for that one, but I did the Coursera course on World Music at one point and really enjoyed it. I even finished it, which apparently only 6% of people who take online courses do (so, also, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t finish — though here’s hoping you do and enjoy that satisfaction!).
Was less successful with the “finances” course I took once the spreadsheet-math started getting complicated and tetchy, although I did enjoy learning the concepts behind a lot of micro- and personal finances accounting. One of my biggest takeaways: Nobody take out car loans if you can help it! it’s a poverty trap — don’t get stuck paying interest on a depreciating asset! :/
A course in finances or remedial math would probably be more useful to my day to day life, but this is something that I think will help me understand my city. Plus, structure!
Oh, that is cool — maybe you will learn from this course about historical sites that you can go visit in your own city, or nearby, to feel the presence of the history in person (painful as some of it may be — still, a kind of witnessing).
The podcast Stuff You Missed in History Class did an episode about the Crafts and their escape. It really doesn’t have any more information than the linked article, but it’s a pretty interesting listen.
It is a really good, sad piece from the perspective of the guy which is rare. It made me so sad for all parties because there is no right answer. Been thinking about it for 24 hours.
Me too. I’m close to a number of people with major mental illnesses and it gave me a lot to think about.
Me three! I also have a number of loved ones who struggle with mental illness. I read it last night and I’m still processing.
Oh, wow. My husband’s anxiety/depression situation is nowhere near that severe, but I definitely recognize those interpersonal patterns that have been set up. I am going to look into this “mad map” thing.
We started this year with my partner admitting to thoughts of suicide and we have been struggling though doctor and psych appointments for the past couple of weeks. It’s terrifying, and exhausting. The article made me cry a lot but gave me a lot to think about too. I ended up in a caretaker role in a previous relationship and it ended up being toxic precisely because, as the guy in the article says, we couldn’t seem to break out of those roles when they weren’t needed. I don’t want to repeat that mistake. I need to find out more about the ‘mad map’ idea.
I wonder if William and Ellen Craft’s story was the inspiration for the flawless Dear America book “A Picture of Freedom” by Patricia McKissack.
As spectacular displays of male privilege are always on-topic on The Toast, I wanted to pt out the lead headline on Politico this morning:
“In Defense of Petraeus: So he might have slipped some secrets to his biographeer/lover, who am I to judge?”
Indeed– Jack Shaffer POLITICAL REPORTER– who are any of us to Judge a General who shares classified state secrets? To a lady-journalist, OF ALL THINGS. Who are any of us– really– to judge a white man AT ALL?! When it really comes down to it– bitches, man, amirite?!
Perhaps because of the Classical Epics piece posted after this, I misread that as “In Defense of Patroclus,” and was confused (a) why he needed defending in this century and (b) what kind of “secrets” he had to slip to Achilles and/or Homer.
That’s phenomenal 🙂
I would like to read THAT article, please!
wonder how many articles Jack Shaffer has written in defense of Chelsea Manning and what she did? OR for that matter, a less powerful white guy like John Kiriakou.
I mean, Shafer’s been a media critic for like a bajillion years; it’s not difficult to find out what he’s said about Manning. From just one piece in the Columbia Journalism Review, “America’s Secret Fetish”:
Both leakers have been called traitors and accused of weakening their country. In late 2010, shortly after WikiLeaks steered Manning’s leaks to The New York Times, The Guardian, and other outlets for publication, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton denounced those leaks as “an attack on America” and “the international community.” Manning was eventually convicted of espionage and other charges, but US officials conceded privately several weeks after Secretary Clinton’s blast that the harm had been minimal. In a puckish column, the Financial Times’ Gideon Rachman declared that the Manning disclosures had done the United States a great favor. Far from damaging the State Department’s credibility by disclosing its internal discussions, the leaks demonstrated the consistency of its diplomats’ public and private statements. Assange deserved a medal, Rachman suggested, because the diplomatic cables depict American foreign policy as principled, intelligent, and pragmatic. “That was, perhaps, the best-kept secret of all,” he wrote.
And this piece, which offers a qualified defense of Kiriakou: http://blogs.reuters.com/jackshafer/2012/01/27/th…
No where in the CJR piece did Shafer in defend Manning’s actions or say that the government was going too far. He does include some “he said, she said” to include why some would feel that way, but it’s not anywhere near as sympathetic as it is towards Petraeus.
The Kiriokau one is more of a defense, though still not as full throated as the one of Petraeus. Might be good reasons for that, Patraeus didn’t leak as much (if he leaked anything at all), but still feels like laws are for the little people, even if that’s unfair to Shafer.
Having read the Politico article, I do think Shafer was done no favors by whoever wrote the headline and subhead, given that Shafer most likely did not. (No favors in sympathy at least. It might be a good headline in getting people to read it, I probably wouldn’t have).
And really, how could he help himself? She used her feminine wiles to get that information out of him. If lady journalists are involved, you know they’re going to do most of the questioning with their vaginas, and how is a REAL MAN like a General supposed to say no to that? Now, if he’d told a man, that would be terrible and weak, but he told a lady, with boobs and thighs and everything.
This might end up in a link round up, but I thought it worth sharing here. A really good piece on “Broad City” that makes me want to watch it even more, http://grantland.com/features/broad-city-season-2…
I LOVE Broad City! So excited it’s coming back tonight!
This piece is excellent and I love Broad City and you should watch it right away!!!!!
MY LADIES ARE COMING BACK
FLY ME OUT TO CENTRAL LA PLS I WILL BEAT THE GAME AND DRINK THE WHISKEY AND THEY WILL LOOK UPON ME AS GOD
There’s a truly stunning episode of the memory palace podcast on the Crafts called “The Messrs Craft”. That’s where I first learned about them.
Also, if you haven’t listened to “the memory palace”, DO IT. The longest episode is maybe 10 minutes long, but each one is a gem.
I’d suggest a sustained glitter-mailing campaign against those no-good pied-a-terre owners (goddamn NYC real estate market, thanks to people like them I’ll never be able to afford to buy even a shoebox-sized apartment, etc. etc.) — except they’re apparently never home to collect their mail. Oh well.
Don’t forget The Toast posted our beloved Alexis Coe’s piece about Ellen and William Craft: http://the-toast.net/2014/01/07/archival-mix-elle…
And it was EXCELLENT.
Kindle Owners: Sherman Alexie’s amazing The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian $1.99 today only:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006T2O8TW/ref=a…
Oooo, thank you for letting us know!
That Slave South course reminds me of when I took Social History of Revolutionary Latin America, which was basically all about reading first hand accounts of horrific atrocities, and it was super interesting and really important, but a real downer, let me tell you what. Reviewing that stuff during exam period, in the midst of Toronto winter, in the bowels of ” one of the most significant examples of brutalist architecture in North America” stands out as one of the more depressing moments of my life.
Are you talking about the rubber camps in Brazil? Because HOLY SHIT THAT WAS BAD. I was reading “One River” while working with someone who was 1.) terrible and 2.) had a great-grandfather who worked as a guard in the rubber camps. He explained that probably his great-grandfather was not one of the committing atrocities, and I nodded and said “Oh yes, they mention that there were some good men who only killed to punish people, not when they were bored.”
BLERGH. I was not, in fact (well, it was like 12 years ago, so some of my memories may be faded), but about the experience of revolutionaries both in their childhoods and also as a result of the counter-revolutionary efforts. Like, you know, being a woman revolutionary prison in Bolivia in the 50s, stuff like that.
I remember reading the story of Eleanor and William Craft in elementary or middle school and thinking, “Wow, how brave!” but not really *getting* how intensely frightening that whole trip must have been. I knew that they made it, but I was on edge throughout the entire piece, and the last line made me teary.
I dunno. Just started some tough self-esteem work with my therapist and I honestly think I'm just too fragile for anything that might make the brain weevils stretch and whisper mean things to me.
It won't be a logical response – my brain will read the things you have described and say 'see, he has to worry about ALL THIS STUFF with you, he has to CARE about that, you're awful, you're worthless, you're scum. Just die, already.'
So, not putting myself in a position to do that to myself.
This Times story had me thinking of Nicole C.:
“No parent wants their child to be discriminated against,” Stoker [an adoptee] told me one night in Seoul. “But I think as a white parent in a white society — even if you’re in a multicultural neighborhood — you can’t protect your child when your child walks out the door. You provide all these economic resources, but there are all these other things that you haven’t experienced as a white person.”
(Full disclosure: I don’t have any experience with international adoption and thus can’t judge how well the author treats the adoptees who were interviewed. The author talks about having adopted twice, once domestically and once internationally.)
It's a great interview but I soured a bit when she went into industry practices – I have some close friends who've been approached to join porn agencies / behemoths and their experiences contradict some of the claims she makes about being pressured to get surgery, for example. But overall it sounds like she has a smart read of the Young Girl notion that they're exploring.