Please read Stacia L. Brown on “the racial prism”:
This is hard, this divided attention. But it isn’t just an emotional and intellectual focus divided by half. This is no mere doubled consciousness. Race in this country, with each successive generation, with every historical echo, and for all our technological advancement, has become a prism. This new racial prism — this 24-hour access to every horrible, three-dimensional detail of black trauma, requires constant, multiplicitous division. I can anticipate occasional euphoria, but I will always do so with the understanding that injustice will disrupt my joy. That is its own kind of violence, a forced splintering of identity, intellect, and emotion.
Here, in New Haven, where I want to enjoy an undisturbed experience of enrichment and networking, I find my thoughts drifting to the black folks I’ve seen on the streets and in service jobs. It’s hard not to devote concern and curiosity to what seems an obvious and stark class distinction between Yalies (white, black, and brown) and black New Haven residents (or transients or commuting workers)….
Even here, in the space of the briefest of days, here, where praise and promise are plentiful, ironies cannot be sloughed. Grief cannot be shed. I can’t escape the maladies in McKinney. I can’t pass Yale School of Law without wondering if Kalief Browder’s name will ever be uttered in a classroom there. And I know that I wouldn’t want to.
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In case you forgot, the best soccer players in the world are currently playing the World Cup on turf and it’s bullshit, y’all.
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Over at Code Switch, Gene Demby wrote about the history of segregated swimming pools:
Campaigns by civil rights groups like the NAACP to integrate public pools often turned very, very ugly. “Groups for and against segregation threw rocks and tomatoes at one another, swung bats and fists, and even stabbed and shot at each other,” Wiltse wrote.
Even after Brown v. Board of Education ostensibly desegregated America’s schools in 1955, a federal judge sided with Baltimore’s pro-segregation argument that pools “were more sensitive than schools.” (That decision was later overturned.)
But what happened in Baltimore next was instructive for what would happen more broadly throughout the country: White folks stopped using public swimming facilities altogether, instead opting to join private swimming clubs or for pools in their backyards.
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“I have listened to people talk negatively about autism since I was diagnosed and, as a result, I learned to hate myself and think I was a monster for causing so much hardship. I can’t let others continue living under these common misconceptions about autism.”
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Sarah Jones on how TLC’s religious fundamentalism-as-kitsch hurts women:
I am all right, until I read Jim Bob Duggar’s words. I am all right until I listen to a “submissive wife” boast that she never contradicts her husband, even when he’s wrong.
I am all right until my secular peers turn both of them into memes.
And I know that TLC is banking on precisely that tendency. 19 Kids is one of the most profitable shows it’s ever produced, and that’s not just because it resonates with social conservatives. People watch it, and shows like it, because what they see makes them feel better about themselves. Channel executives don’t care whether the Duggars are your heroes or your jesters; they profit either way.
By packaging fundamentalism as kitsch, TLC invites you to laugh at the very people it’s turned into millionaires. That exploitation makes them money, but it also obscures what fundamentalism is really like in practice. It has to: The reality isn’t entertaining.
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I’ve got absolutely nothing against Martin Sheen, but he is really Not My Matthew Cuthbert? I don’t know, let’s talk through this please.
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“Justad is fundraising on Kickstarter for her short film, Creased, about an Asian-American high school girl, Kayla, who is seriously weighing whether or not she should get double-eyelid surgery. …
In Creased, Justad follows one 18-year-old girl ‘because it’s a very delicate time. You’re very image-based. She’s about to go to college, she’s about to reinvent herself, and this is something that’s been bothering her. She’s been teased. What I try to do in this script is present a lot of different sides. I kind of offer it up to the audience to make their own decision. Because I’m not interested in placing blame; I’m more interested in the reasons surrounding whether or not to go through the surgery.’”
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson: Astrophysicist. Author. Dream-Killer.
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Throughout my adoption proceedings, the state of Washington knew me as “Infant Girl Chung.” That name and all the history associated with it was later buried in a sealed file once the adoption papers were signed. My adoptive parents either never knew or forgot my original name (accounts vary), and I wouldn’t learn it until I was well into my twenties. But while adoption can make a person’s history hard or even impossible to find, it can never truly erase it. It can’t make it irrelevant.
I’m in the process of reclaiming the last name I was born with, a name I haven’t gone by since I was two months old. I’ve been sure for a while that this is what I want, but I still needed time to talk it over with my sister, with my husband, with a few trusted friends, and with my birth father (who gave me his blessing). Part of me really doesn’t want to go into a long explanation or make a huge deal about this; I wasn’t even going to write about it here, but then I thought maybe you all would have questions if my byline just changed and I didn’t say anything. The Toast is my online home, and I do want to offer you guys some kind of explanation, even if it’s only a partial and imperfect one. I’ve never had a last name that felt “just right,” that felt like mine. (I certainly don’t think this is the case for all adoptees, but it has been the case for me, for as long as I can remember.) I think, once I get used to this change, I will finally have a name that feels right, that is mine. It’s an enormous privilege to know my history, to be able to claim this link to it. I’m very grateful for that, and for your support.
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Tags: link roundup, names, the internet
Nicole, I’m so happy for you. Reclaiming your birth name sounds like it’s a huge step for you, and it’s such a brave thing to do. Congratulations and here’s to having a name that fits.
Congratulations, Nicole! It sounds like it’s been a long journey.
YES. Having a name that fits is incredibly important. I’m so happy for you, Nicole!
Agreed! I’m so glad you get this opportunity to take ownership of your name in a way that feels right for you. All the support.
Echoing all the congratulations here, and so happy that you’ve found a name that’s yours and fits you. Raising my glass to you! (It’s seltzer because it’s only 10.30 am, but you get my drift.)
Congratulations, Nikki Chung!
joining the congratulations! i’m glad you’ve found a version of your name that feels right to you.
I changed my first name as an adult and am still so grateful at finally having a name that looks like “me” when I see it and feels like “me” when I hear it. Thanks for telling us about your decision, Nikki Chung!
Agreed!
I wasn’t adopted, but never liked my given name (my mom has stories about me at 2 years old asking to be called all sorts of thing that are not my given name, and I have memories of being 4, 5, 6,… and trying on different names), as it just didn’t feel like my name when people called me by it. When I was 14, I picked “Keri” to be my online pseudonym on one particular RPG, and though I had lots of names I went by online in different RPGs, it felt right, so it’s my name now, after so many years of fighting for it. I kind of wish I’d established a more gender-neutral spelling (Cary or Carey), but when I hear my name spoken, I feel like “yes, that’s me!” instead of resentful. 😛
Anyway, there’s such a huge feeling of empowerment and self-worth that comes from saying “Yes, This Is My Name, It Is Me” and shedding the old one that didn’t fit. I’m always so happy for everyone who has an ill-fitting name and is able to find one that feels right, however it is they do that (and sad/sympathetic for those who haven’t found the right name yet, or can’t use it for some reason).
MARTIN SHEEN?!?!?
Isn’t there a law in the Constitution that if you play the U.S. president you can’t play beloved national icons of other countries?
I was wondering who will play Gilbert, which reminded me that Jonathan Crombie is dead, and now I am really sad.
YES. I will hold off on judging Sheen. I agree with someone, somewhere in comments that he’s too old to be Matthew, but Sheen has often been the sort of person where his best parts remind me of the best parts of my dad, and I also have that sort of feeling on Matthew Cuthbert, so, okay, fair enough, maybe it’ll work for me, I can wait and see on that one.
I am going to find it much harder to let a new Anne and a new Gilbert into my heart.
An unknown 13-year-old boy, who might have a chance to be another Jonathan Crombie to a new generation.
….I’m trying to stay optimistic
Surely it’ll be Justin Bieber, non?
Same reaction to Sara Botsford as Marilla. Marilla is Colleen Dewhurst, end of story.
Honestly, I think of him as The Illusive Man, primarily. So, yeah, if you don’t want Anne to get indoctrinated by Reaper tech, maybe they should have picked someone else.
I have SUCH a hard time, because I love love love Mass Effect, but all I heard is President Bartlet.
Why is the remake even a thing that is happening??
(unless it is to undo the horror of Anne: The Continuing Story.)
Do you know how many times Anne of Green Gables has been adapted for stage, screen, or film? The one from our childhoods is just one of many.
The farmer from Babe is still alive, right? Why didn’t they cast him?1
I’m always amazed that people who won’t bat an eye at a woman who changes her name to that of the man she marries are perplexed when a woman changes her name for herself. There are a lot of us out in the world. Folks should get used to it.
Congratulations Nicole! Not that you owe us an explanation, but when I saw the byline my first reaction was “wait, they hired yet another Nicole?” so it was nice to find out what was going on.
And this is part of my annoying compulsion to relate everything to pop culture, but: I’ve been catching up on Agents of SHIELD, and one of the things that’s really elevating the second season is seeing Skye/Daisy deal with finding out her history and meeting her parents. In the last episode I watched (2-18, I think?) she sees her father’s (old) last name on the door to his old office, and he doesn’t even register it, but she sees it and says “Daisy Johnson”, as if she’s trying out the sound of it, trying it on, in a way, seeing if it fits. It must be so strange: to have a name you started out with, in a way, but that you were unaware of for so long.
when I saw the byline my first reaction was “wait, they hired yet another Nicole?”
Ha, mine too – specifically, “Wow, do they have an actual rule that editors who are not Mallory must be named Nicole?”
<Oprah voice> YOU get a Nicole! And YOU get a Nicole!
(But we should only be so lucky to get another Nicole as great as the two we already have, tbqh.)
That line reading was so good! Watching her figure out if meeting her parents changes who she is added a lot of dimension to her character, and felt much realer than a lot of what sort of character work is done on that show.
It was, wasn’t it? That performance is really growing on me.
I know this isn’t the open thread buuuuuuut can we talk about “The Lizzie Borden Chronicles”?! I’d been saving the season finale on my DVR and finally watched it last night. Three words to describe the series: Masterpiece! Gore! Hats!
Masterpiece! Gore! Hats!
These are all things I’m interested in!
I love everything about you and your journey.
Also WTF MARTIN SHEEN?!
<3 <3 <3
It’s just NOT RIGHT, RIGHT?? I feel like Matthew is supposed to hide a lot of his emotion, and, like, can Martin Sheen do that? He has such a sharp gaze! I just keep thinking about this and shaking my head.
Did we already talk about how wonderful Roxanne was on Another Round (which is always the best)? I can’t wait to read her new book and have all of my fingerstoes crossed so hard for her development deals.
I flipped out yesterday because I was looking for the podcast and *couldn’t find it* until I finally located the recording of the live show, and proceeded to be DELIGHTED for the hour it was on. 🙂
yaaaaayyyy Another Round!
Yes, it is so delightful! Here’s a link to the episode on SoundCloud for anyone else that is interested: https://soundcloud.com/anotherroundwithhebenandtr…
Tracy buying a round for lady hyenas is my favorite part of the all around excellent episode
Tracy having to deal with her mother texting her today about the erotica she apparently used to write is pretty amusing. I can’t quite believe that Heben brought that up.
I’m learning Heben + enough bourbon is a HILARIOUS and slightly dangerous combo.
How did I not know about this? I love Another Round, and I love Roxane. I think I might just take a bath tonight and treat myself to some relaxing podcast-listening time.
I love Another Round! The Jean Grae one was my favorite one so far.
I’m a purist so I didn’t like the first Anne of Green Gables movies. But no to Martin Sheen. He’s too old to be Matthew. Matthew and Marilla are in their 50s when they adopt Anne. And Martin Sheen isn’t right at all because Matthew is tall, long haired and shy. Sheen is too…himself.
And if they absolutely HAVE to do another adaptation of an LMM book, why not Rilla of Ingleside? It’s a great book, it’s never been brought to television (as far as I know) and it’s about the Great War, which took place ~100 years ago, so it would be great timing.
Seconding this, but only if they don’t totally screw it up. I managed to sit through the 2nd movie with all its changes (Kingsport Ladies College?!??), but the 3rd one looks like a total abomination and I can’t even.
…all that being said, I’ll now start imagining my ideal Rilla cast…
we do not talk about The Continuing Story
Sullivan almost did 20 years ago (which would have been a more opportune time to do a third Anne film than 1999/2000), and it would have spun off into a series called The Blythes of Ingleside, but that’s also when he and the LMM heirs started butting heads about royalties from the first two (and only two that matter) miniseries.
What about the delightful* James Cromwell? He may not be Canadian but he IS tall.
*I have only seen him in the Babe movies but they were enough to make me love him forever.
James Cromwell looks almost exactly like the way I pictured Matthew when I read the Anne books. I second your motion, wholeheartedly.
James Cromwell is EXACTLY who I picture when I read Anne of Green Gables (which I actually just did for the millionth time on Sunday). He would have been perfect. (I have nothing against Martin Sheen and typically find him delightful, but he is NOT a Matthew Cuthbert.)
Congrats, Nicole! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Congratulations, Nicole! Not that more Nicoles wouldn’t be welcome but I definitely breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it was you.
Man I guess there are people who will try to say how you should or shouldn’t feel about a name, like it’s just a symbolor something, but yeah that’s exactly what names are. It’s a symbol for your identity, a person should do whatever they need to to find the one that’s right.
So hey, yeah congratulations!
I did have a very brief moment of “Who is Nicole Chung?” so I appreciate the explanation, and all of the respect and power to you for making this choice that fits you best. <3
Congratulations, Nicole! I am really happy that you’ve found YOUR name and are starting the (no doubt somewhat arduous) process of using it. I am also really happy and touched that you shared a little of the behind-the-scenes with the Toastrons. I was definitely curious but had resolved that it was really none of my business, then I scrolled down to find your pitch-perfect explanation. What a great place this here website is!
I’d love to talk about that Billfold article! Mostly because I agree with the commentor who thinks that transparency about money would be a really radical thing to foster in middle class dominant American culture. Sorry for so many qualifiers there, but I do think it’s worth pointing out that discomfort around the subject of money is a cultural thing. It was not an issue that I had growing up, but I certainly did pick it up somewhere along the way. What was interesting to me about this article, as someone who wasn’t born into a lot of economic security, but who has clawed my way in that direction and also had a lot of lucky breaks, is how hard it is to talk about having enough or wanting more or anything at all money related, actually, with my friends. I’d be happy to hear what people enjoyed or didn’t enjoy about the article. Also, talking with friends about money: is there ever a successful way to do that?
Rachel is a friend, and she and I have dished about money before, privately — we both happen to live in the same hella expensive area, too. I could not really relate to the whole being-born-into-the-middle-class part, because my family was solidly working-class my whole life and money was always short, but I did attend a small Catholic elementary school (mostly on scholarship) and COULD relate to noticing some fairly non-subtle class differences between me/my classmates even at a youngish age. And I definitely feel the stuff about being very privileged, and KNOWING that, and still making choices (privileged ones, like grad school or doing work you love instead of work that pays a ton) that lead to budget stress. I don’t know how to talk about it with people, and I feel embarrassed that we’ve had every opportunity and still find ourselves struggling a bit. My husband and I make so much more than my parents ever did, and yet due to various school/work choices we’ve made (been LUCKY to make) and also the way things have shaken out with our youngest daughter’s recent diagnosis, we don’t have much to spare right now. So that was what really resonated with me in that column!
Those were all fascinating elements to me too! The class consciousness part didn’t hit me until college, mostly because I’d always been in contexts where working class or below was the baseline, and anyone who was more secure than that was a rarity, until I got to college and found the reverse to be true. Suddenly, most of my peers weren’t working full time and couldn’t relate to the feast or famine approach that I’d always considered normal. The presumption was that everyone else was middle class, and that was a huge culture shock to me. I made a lot of choices in college that were constrained by not having access to a network of financial support, like a more ‘practical’ major, on the assumption that I would have to keep working/work through college/work immediately after and be 100% on the hook for my own loans. I didn’t have any shame, because it felt like the literal only option. But now that I’m in a more stable position and do have choices, all of those choices feel really fraught. I could definitely relate to the author about that. Some of what’s hard, for me, to adjust to is going from “doing what I have to do to survive” to “???”. The Billfold has actually been an incredible resource for that. But the emotional component is just something that I didn’t forsee at all.
I have my own anxieties about money, but I’m incredibly grateful to my parents for removing me from the very class-conscious environment they grew up in (western Connecticut) and raising me among their hippie friends in California. I might stress out when I don’t have significant savings as a buffer against disaster, but I’m not ashamed of wherever I might fall on the economic spectrum.
Totally, I think it makes such a difference being able to step out of a homogenous environment. I know that my own class mobility was made possible by moving to a place in college where I could interact with people from a different background from mine. Personally I’d rather not live in a place where everyone is expected to make the same amount or buy the same status items, etc. I do think though that it might be nice to be somewhere more class “conscious” as in people recognize and talk about the concept of class. Still it’s a difficult conversation to have!
My husband and I both grew up in families where Grownups Did Not Talk About Money With The Children. I still have no idea how much my parents made or make (and they don’t know what I make, either). Yet somehow I absorbed my parents’ frugal, debt-avoiding ways, and he absorbed his parents’ optimism and willingness to incur debt. The upshot is that I feel vaguely guilty whenever I spend money on anything not strictly necessary (I cannot buy clothes that aren’t at least on sale, and ideally they come from the thrift stores) but I have a nest egg, while he has a less uptight attitude about…most things…and student loan/credit card debt.
It has been fiercely difficult to learn to talk about this with him, but very much worth it.
Ah, yes, the subject of money and its absence was pretty common in my household when I was young, and it left me on the profligate side of the spectrum, as I do tend to have an easy-come, easy-go approach. To balance it out though, I am incredibly debt averse, so there’s a sort of natural limit there. My husband on the other hand is an incredible saver and forward-thinker. The conversations we’ve had trying to bring our values there into line have been incredibly tough, but also like you say, so very much worth it. It’s very intimate to talk about, but also such an important piece of the puzzle when it comes to really understanding another person.
It’s very intimate to talk about
You are so right. I think it’s easier to talk about physical intimacy than money, and given that I was raised in a conservative religious background, that’s saying something.
OMG that “NEIL WITH IT” gif, tho.
Congrats on your decision Nicole! I’m so happy you were able to move forward with what feels right to you!!!
If you want more good news to perk up your day, read this lovely article on how the Furiosa and one of the Mad Max stunt doubles fell in love and got married. It’s pretty much the cutest thing I’ve ever read and has the line “While we were punching each other we were falling for each other – quite rapidly.”
And their names are Dane and Dayna!!!
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
“Dayna’s been in the stunt business for some 20 years, starting off where most of New Zealand’s thriving stunt industry did; on Xena and Hercules.” Consider me starstruck.
this article has made my day
And didn’t Riley Keough just get married to the flamethrower guitar guy? So much love blooming on that set.
I think she got married to the guitar guy’s stunt double. SO MUCH LOVE BLOOMING AMONGST THE AWESOME.
this is the sweetest!!
Yes, I noticed immediately, and yes I would have asked—- But I would have asked in “I noticed, how would you like us to handle this? Because if it’s personal and you don’t want to talk about it….. We’ll honor that. But I, at least, am curious.”
My partner’s an adoptee with a difficult relationship with his adoptive parents and almost no relationship with his birth parents (he met them once). He, too, has never felt comfortable with the name currently on his birth certificate, for a LONG list of reasons, only some of which have to do with his adoption situation. Ordinarily this might mean he’d just take my name, but while I don’t have any sort of quarrel with my name, I also have a difficult relationship with my family. So we’ve spent a long time looking for a new last name to share, and we even think we’ve found one, and we’re in that period where we’re trying it on for size, claiming email addresses and talking to friends/family of choice about it.
Names are obviously complicated and personal. I’m so glad you’ve made progress in your journey, and hope this means that things get easier and more comfortable for you. Let us know if there’s anything we can do as part of your online family.
Can I just say, I love that “claiming new e-mail addresses” is part of a name / identity change these days.
I was just thinking about how much work it must be to change your name and I didn’t even think about email/internet identification. God speed Nikki! May the lines at your social security office be short and your preferred gmail address unclaimed!
Thanks! I’ve had nicole.soojung at gmail for a while, so will probably make that one my primary, but I’ll still have nicole.callahan and ncallahan forwarded to me.
It is a lot of work to change your name, and I am still unsure whether I’ll make it legal/official until after we sell the house in another state that is in my name (I think it could be a big interstate nightmare to try and change it on the actual deed). We’ll try and sell it next year, so it’s not TOO long to wait, though it will be irritating if that’s what prolongs the process.
I managed to nab [email protected] years ago, still proud of it.
Part of the reason I’d be hesitant to ever change my name is that I managed to get [lastname] for most of my online accounts. It’s a fairly unusual name, but still, there are now a bunch of [lastname]2s and 3s out there probably wondering how come I’m hoarding the family name all to myself.
My current name- firstname middlename lastname is something that quite a few other people have. I have the [email protected]. I even changed my schedule so that when facebook announced they were letting people get custom URLs, I could get the one that’s /firstnamelastname. I don’t have firstnamelastname.com, but I didn’t really ever want that.
My new name may make me the only firstname newlastname in the country, while still sounding normal. Newlastname seems to fit all the research based info on picking names that partner and I have found. (ie, near the beginning of the alphabet. positive association. sounds white. easy to spell.) I think I’ll be getting, or have already claimed, all the appropriate accounts/addresses/etc that I’m interested in.
SO FREAKING COMPLICATED. SO FRAUGHT. SO IMPORTANT.
I’m impressed and jealous that you and your partner are picking a new last name together! One of the only things my partner and I have EVER fought (raised voices and tearfulness) about is the last name our potential future child(ren) would have. His parents each kept their own last name and double-barreled his, while I’m largely estranged from my father’s family.
I’d love to pick a new name (whether it’s an entirely different one or one we’ve invented based on a combo of our names) but we haven’t found the solution yet and since we don’t have an impending child, it’s just something I idly worry about when I’m not worrying about other more pressing things.
What has made it pretty easy is that it was pretty easy for us to agree on basic principals (things like wanting a shared name), and neither of us were particularly emotionally tied to our current names.
What has made it really challenging is that the list of shared basic principals ended up really long. He really liked his initials, so he wanted something starting with C. We wanted something that would be fairly easy to spell. Positve-or-at-least-neutral association. Two or three syllables. etc etc etc. What ended up working for us was that we tried to create a list of as many of our criteria as possible (the necessary things, the nice to have things), we got a bunch of good friends at a table with desert and alcohol as people preferred, and had people throw things out, and we just took notes. And one of the things that was mentioned ended up being something great, AND, bonus, it’s something that can be made by combining some of the letters of our existing names, which we didn’t really care about but makes for a good story. And, better, it’s almost non-existent as a last name in the US (where we are), but it sounds like it would be a common last name.
The process– from sort of generally agreeing that we wanted a shared name, and we didn’t want either his or mine, until now– has taken us years. And we haven’t even gotten to the point of the legal name change part (for long, boring, complicated reasons).
But yes, the fact that we’re both much less emotionally attached to our names than most people are has made this MUCH MUCH easier than most people find this conversation, and I am deeply grateful that we have been able to avoid those emotional minefields.
Two of my friends are getting married next year and smooshing their last names together would result in [Color] [Mythical animal] and I REALLY want them to just do that, but they probably won’t. It would be SO COOL though. I don’t really want to post their names here but just imagine 1. the color of a doubloon 2. professor lupin’s form during a full moon
That sounds like an ideal solution; good luck to you both as you audition the new name! I hope everyone in your lives who truly matter to you are very supportive. <3
Twenty-one Duggars
crazy for birth
how many Duggars
to cover the Earth?
Someone did the math on that. If the 19 Duggar kids have 19 kids each, it will take only 6 generations and the earth is duggar’d.
That is terrifying.
You all are really fantastic and I’m going to come back here and read your kind, supportive messages every time someone says something silly about my name change. Thank you.
Feel free to document all the silly/bullshit things people say about your name change and publish them here, like you did with the stupid-ass comments about your kids. We will happily go WTF about their idiotic insensitivity and remind you how great you are.
Nice one, Nikki! Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
It’s lovely to have a name that feels right, even when people are jerks about it. I hope people are NOT jerks about it to you, but I also hope that if they are, that rightness will override it.
All of our kids have both our last names, though, as we expected, the older kids have dropped down to one last name as they got older, their dad’s. I was therefore rather delighted to hear from my daughter that if she drops down to one name, she’ll use mine. We get a fair number of confused and negative comments about the various different last names in our family, but it’s still felt worth it to me. The boys are HisName MyName, and the girl is MyName HisName. A gender essentialist choice, in retrospect, but I’m still pleased to have a child whose primary name is mine.
Thanks, Kristen. I hope no one says anything less-than-supportive! That’s awesome that your daughter is so attached to your/her name. I’m going to talk with my kids about the change once it’s official and if they ever want to add my name to theirs, I’d be happy about it.
There are no public swimming pools in my city. They closed them all sixty-odd years ago, rather than integrate them. And they never came back.
I appreciate what a big step the name change is. I’m not an adoptee, but I’m also API and have an obviously ethnic name. It’s a significant marker of my difference.I remember being a kid and wishing I had a westernized (or easily westernizable) name because it brought me so much attention. People were constantly asking me about it or mispronouncing and misspelling it in ways that sounded and felt ugly. Assimilation seemed so much easier.
Now I’m glad I didn’t adopt an “American name” like so many of my peers and family members did. My name doesn’t easily roll off people’s tongues. There is always a pause when they see or hear it. I think the way they approach it (gingerly treating it as a deliberate tongue-twister, inserting sounds and syllables willy-nilly, politely inquiring how it should be pronounced) is revealing and interesting. And learning to embrace my name has been part of a larger process of learning to simply present myself to the world in a totally unapologetic way. This is who I am. I shouldn’t have to change myself just to make others feel more comfortable.
I’m changing my name for LOTS of reasons, but a BIG one is that I want to have a Korean name, MY Korean name, a name that actually matches my face. It’s not the end-all and be-all; I’m just tired of having my last name automatically imply that I’m either adopted, or married to a white man, or both. and I’m sort of over Irish Americans making jokes about my being Irish.
I’m bracing myself for all of the “how does Dan feel about this???” questions, esp. from religious and/or conservative friends. It’s going to be very difficult not to say, “He knows it’s not a rejection of him/his name so much as it is a rejection of ALL WHITENESS.” People don’t get when I’m joking, why can’t they tell??
What does API mean in this context? I’m only familiar with the application programming interface use of the initialism, and my searches have mostly been fruitless; API + adoption just gets me more tech stuff.
Asian/Pacific Islander
There’s the fucking turf, and there’s the ridiculous girl-focused advertising that seems to be saying that the Women’s World Cup is ONLY for girls and women and no need for men or boys to have any interest or respect. Which is so absurd when you see the crowds, and they’re just as gender diverse as any other sports’ spectators. It’s like how publishers insist that little boys won’t read stories that feature female protagonists, but little girls have to read about boys doing shit and going places all the damn time.
I turned 33 a few weeks ago and my bullshit tolerance has dropped considerably. My response to the Duggars and all their dominionist, fascist ilk is just to burn them all with fire. Scorched earth policy for all fundamentalists!
Hear, hear. There was even an attendance record for the Canada match: http://globalnews.ca/news/2040525/attendance-reco…
Couldn’t believe it when I heard about the turf. I live in a city where the only available fields are turf, and it gets blazing hot in the summer months. It wreaks havoc on skin, joints, and spikes (the heat radiates up and ruins the seal holding the upper to the chassis [the sole, essentially]). But, as someone further down said, I’m not trying to make a living playing on that crap.
Two other points: Google makes a big damn deal about celebrating women in their Google Doodles. Yet they didn’t get one of their developers to take the half a day it probably would take to develop one of those convenient schedule widgets they create for ALL major sporting events.
I really hope all the people who complain about the theatrics in soccer bother to watch this World Cup. Generalizing here, but it is much less common to see egregious dives in the women’s game. Wise up, folks!
YES YES YES to the Google thing. I don’t know if it was helpful at all but I actually sent them feedback about it because I was so pissed about how hard it is to figure out when everything is happening.
It also requires some clicking around on espn.com to find WWC coverage, which is just RIDICULOUS.
it is so buried in the ESPN app. It’s so infurating..
Infuriatingly, women’s sports only gets 4% of all sports media coverage. Despite the fact that 40% of all sports participants are female.
I’ve played on turf and on grass, and turf in an Australian summer is just the worst experience. It’s so hot, and humid and it smells awful and BURNS if you fall.
That said, playing on grass in winter isn’t exactly a whole lot better right now. Then men’s leagues get priority grounds, so the women’s leagues play on grounds that are really closer to paddocks. Ankle-threatening, divot-ridden paddocks. My friend’s soccer playing partner came to one of our games, looked at the ground and said that if he was reffing, he’d call the ground unplayable and cancel the game. I hate that we pay the same fees, train just as hard, and often spend a lot more effort on coordination since the clubs spend all their time arranging the men’s teams, and get no acknowledgement and such terrible grounds.
Nicole! Like others have said, thank you for sharing with us–you didn’t have to and it means a lot that you’d be willing to be so open about it with the Toastfolks. I’m so excited for you and your journey. Best wishes.
Congratulations on reclaiming your name! For what it’s worth, I am glad you said something – I was curious about the new byline, although of course Toasties are far too polite to gossip or pry.
We were actually having a conversation on Twitter yesterday about how this year’s World Cup teams are getting the friggin’ shaft, especially compared to the men’s teams last year. As a non-sports-fan, I still knew alllll about what was going on with the Cup last year at all times, whereas this year, until a few of my friends started talking about it, I didn’t even realize it was going on.
That’s what I figured, about you all being too kind/polite to ask, and I didn’t want to confuse you! idc if I confuse other people, but you guys are different.
I literally don’t understand how anyone could care deeply about the U.S. men’s national team when we have THESE WOMEN, and the fact that they are playing on turf is just infuriating. I KNOW FIFA has done FAR WORSE, but when I found out that a private company offered to put grass fields in for the World Cup and FIFA just blithely turned them down…come on, why? WHY??
Thank you for being generous and thoughtful enough to tell us! Obviously you were under no obligation to – our curiosity is not more important than your comfort and right to privacy – and I’m grateful that you felt willing to share it. Best of luck with the whole process.
As someone who has changed both first and last names more than once from birth certificate to right now, I think it’s absolutely appropriate for you to find the name that fits who you are!!
And oh, that money article. Oh… I am still facing the fallout from the money “lessons” I leaped to in my own teenaged brain.
NDG may have killed a dream, but he remains one of my few modern-day heroes. Rock on Neil!
My dad haaaaates Abby Wambach and loooooves Christine Sinclair. #peakdad
“Holiday? We’ll send you on a holiday to Siberia,” – Papa Gullwing, upon Lauren Holiday getting a yellow card
thank you for sharing the story of your name change with us <3333 names are such weird, difficult, strange signifiers both of who we are and who we’re from, so anything to make that skin fit even a little better is a great thing!!!
Thanks, Michelle!
There are actually several different ways to spell the same Korean name; I’m going with Chung since that’s how my birth family spells it. It’ll obviously take some getting used to, but I’m excited about it!
Congratulations on the name change! 😀
That autism article was just so lovely and well expressed. I hope people read it and realize that people like Philip are fine the way they are, not monsters in need of “fixing.”
I think there are so many ways of being that are stigmatized… even just wanting a loving relationship as opposed to being a “cool girl.” One of my thoughts on the issue on my morning walk, before I even saw the link roundup: “I am not a problem that needs fixing.”
K I want to talk to somebody about that TLC thing. Facebook is as varied as the sort of people who are your friends and because I spent all my life in a Christian commune and then ended up at one of the most religious colleges ever my facebook feed contains a large number of people who a. support the Duggars or/and b. subscribe to Wives Submit to your Husbands Newsletter.
What I really liked about this article was that Sarah’s insisting that they are people. They are people and they are not all as tragic dramedys to look at and go, “oh these poor stupid people”. I’m not saying that people on the toast do that but TLC certainly sets it up for that. I just wanted to talk about my experiences with these sorts of Christian environments. At aforementioned Christian college I rarely ran into a woman who was just cool with wives submit to your husbands. It was an issue for them that they struggled with and talked about. When it came down to it I think their view was: this is what scripture and the church says and it is what we believe but there is a lot of room in that statement for interpretation. I honestly admired a lot of the marriages that I saw the professors and their wives (yes you read that correctly but that’s kind of a different discussion) for the most part seemed equal. One of my friends was in like “pre-marriage seminar class (yes a real thing, no not for credit)” and one of our tutors with an especially equal marriage led a seminar on this topic where he was pretty much like “Yeah…that’s uh what it says…anyway this is how it works for us – goes on to talk about their relationship where both are professionals in different fields”
Anyway that was terribly written and went around in circles but I have to go to work now so I’m gonna post it.
Hello, just popping by to say that yes, I hear you. I am still heavily involved in Christian community and it’s interesting to see how the idea of submissiveness plays out.
I used to play on AstroTurf in high school, and we’d all lose huge swaths of skin on that stuff. It is TERRIBLE. You also have to be really concerned with sanitizing wounds with that stuff too because it might get rinsed off, but it’s not super sanitary.
I can’t believe anyone signed off on that crap for the Women’s World Cup because that stuff is nasty and dangerous.
even my 7yo hates playing on turf, and it’s not as if she’s taking a lot of dives. it’s bullshit.
I currently play on turf, in two different leagues. Every time I’ve broken skin on that stuff, it’s gotten infected and taken forever to heal. Goalies in my leagues wear pants regardless of the temperature because otherwise they’ll tear themselves up diving. So gross.
Sydney Leroux tweeted a photo of her legs after a turf game one time and it was horrifying. It’s one thing for amateur adults who aren’t necessarily going to throw themselves after every ball, but for players who really have something at stake, it’s just unacceptable.
i’m actually surprised anyone plays on astroturf, because turf rash has been documented for a long time and it’s gross and nasty.
why is this still heavily used?
Go Nicole! I’m so impressed by you taking all that on. As I mentioned in a previous comment, this is something I would really like to do (not because I’m adopted, but because I really don’t like being identified by my father’s name), but the thought of the paperwork and trouble is overwhelming.
Not asking for a step-by-step, but was it particularly difficult to update your name everywhere? I’m really glad your husband is supportive — and I don’t mean to pry, so don’t answer this if you don’t want to, but are your children keeping your husband’s surname? (Then again, I always thought Callahan was your husband’s name, but I guess I could have been wrong about that.)
It won’t be legally settled for a while — there’s a house in my name in another state, and I think it’s easy to change the mortgage but harder to change the actual house deed. I need to learn more about that, but since we are planning to sell the house soon I might just wait till that’s DONE so as not to complicate the house sale further. Also I need a bunch of documents from the state of Washington and will have to pay some money and would like to work with a lawyer to make sure I do it all correctly, and all that will take some time! It’s obviously going to be a big PITA and that is the biggest reason why I haven’t done it already.
I think when I’m READY I can go to court, pay the fees, get a certified name change doc, and then use that to get a new license and a new passport. And eventually I’ll let my alma mater know, and change the name on the kids’ birth certificates and all of my/our accounts, but obviously all of this will take still more time and energy to figure out. It’s really daunting, tbh.
For now the kids’ names will stay the same. If they ever want to change them to include mine, they can do that when they are older.
Oof, yeah. But I guess it’s one of those things too where every time you see it changed (like here on The Toast), you get to smile again Victory, a hundred times repeated.
Changing it here was so easy and fun!! And let’s face it, here is where it matters most, right? 😉
I’m working my way up to changing it on Facebook. I just…really don’t want to discuss it with everyone who knows me irl, I just want to rip off the band-aid and keep going.
No kidding, FB is the worst. I’d be tempted to change it and then play innocent, like “What, this has always been my name, what are you talking about?”
Thank you for sharing your name decision with us, and best of luck going forward! I’m so glad you’re able to use the name that feels like a fit for you. 🙂
I found my birth name when I was 24, and I plan on incorporating it into my name at some point in the future (most likely when I get married and change my name, just so I don’t have to do it twice) … the only issue is that my at-birth middle name would replace my adoptive middle name, which I share with my adoptive grandma who I love very much (but I do not love her name) and I would hate to offend her if she were to find out. So… eventually.
you have probably already thought of this/might not want FOUR names, but you could keep your middle name and have two middle names. I’m leaning towards keeping Callahan in the mix somehow, maybe as a second middle name? My husband technically has four names, because his mom’s maiden name is part of his legal name.
I have two middle names (one that is just a name and the second is my mom’s maiden name) and it’s kind of fun! The only downside is that my full name doesn’t fit on my driver’s license, but I feel like that’s a small price to pay for getting to have names from both my parents.
Chiming in to say I also have four names (because my Dad does and my mom liked it so they gave all of use two middle names) and it works out fine! Some things, such as my credit card, only include my first middle name because all of the names don’t fit but really, it’s not so difficult it’s not worth it.
Congratulations on this step in your journey. No explanation needed.
“After Water” literally gave me goosebumps.
I just can’t add anything else, my brain is gobsmacked with it.
having grown up in California, I’ve always felt like we were on the edge of the world. Now I’m worried that the edge of the world might dry up and blow away.
Oh man, did you have to use that picture for the link round-up? I know The Matildas lost to you guys 3-1, ok!! *hmph*
In other soccer grossness, apparently Sepp Blatter said the women should wear tighter shorts, because it would make the game more interesting, as if that man could get any more disgusting!
Congratulations, Nicole! <3
Congratulations on this step, Nicole!
I’ve had three surnames in my life
(I might yet claim some more)
Daughter, writer, and also wife
Add in my usernames and handles
(Names and names galore)
Melanies, Dakis, Greenes, and Mels
I love to choose the way my name goes
(I’d hate to be a bore)
And claiming each, my spirit grows
Well done on claiming the name you need
(You’re still you at your core)
And being a great Nicole indeed
I’m touched, Melanie! And also IMPRESSED. Thank you!!
<3
You are clearly inspirational!
It was, wasn't it? That performance is really growing on me.
Congrats on your name change! A rose by any other name might still smell as sweet, but maybe the rose ought to get to decide what it’s called, eh?
Our daughters were both adopted from China as older kids, but one knows her birth name and the other doesn’t. (One was old enough to remember her birth name when she was abandoned, and the other wasn’t.) We gave them “first” names from our family and kept their previous personal names as middle names, and for a while I called them by either their Chinese names or both names, until they asked me to just use their “American” names.
When it came to choosing a surname, my husband held the emotional trump card. He was adopted by his stepfather at a young age, and remembers that surname as a kind of lucky token that indicated a change in his life for the better, and he wanted to pass that on to our girls. I couldn’t come up with a story nearly as good as that. 😉 So the girls have a Hungarian surname nobody knows how to pronounce, and Asian faces. I think they have fun with that, but if either of them ever told us they wanted to change their names to something else, I’d be ok with that, too. (Interestingly, the one who knows her birth name actually plays around with alternate names a lot more, but never her actual birth name, or even anything Chinese….)