If Daniel Radcliffe Were Your Boyfriend -The Toast

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Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 4.13.03 PMPreviously in this series: If Blake Lively Were Your Girlfriend

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would be turned on by the fact that you win whenever you arm-wrestle. He’d look for excuses to arm-wrestle.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would wake up really early on purpose, just so you would have more time to laze around in bed together, reading. Sometimes he’d nudge you awake before dawn so the two of you could watch the sunrise on the roof with a blanket around your shoulders. You’d be grumpy at first, but he’d already have tea ready for you, and he’d be so scruffy and rumpled and earnest you’d just let yourself relax and sink into the morning with your head on his shoulder.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would beg you, from the bottom of his heart, never to make Harry Potter spell jokes in bed.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he’d be endlessly in awe of how you don’t seem to mind that his life is very peculiar and different from yours, and he’d hate dragging you into it but love being with you whether he’s in “movie star mode” or not. You’d just smile and tell him it’s all an adventure, and it’s a fine trade-off for everything you have together that when you go to Comic-Con he’s always wearing costumes with hoods or helmets.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, whenever you were in a bookstore (which would be very often) he’d nudge the books shelved around where your last name would be, leaving a gap. He would whisper, “That’s where you’re going to be someday,” with such confidence and affection that you’d melt and have to hide your blush behind a stack of Poirot novels.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, there would be a much higher concentration of show tunes in your life. He’d want to sing every duet with you.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would give him so much shit for liking Bulgakov. “You’re so deep, how do you even see in the darkness of your soul?” you’d ask, your feet tucked under his thigh as you lounged on the couch together. He’d look over at you and say, “So deep? Really?” and that would be the rest of your afternoon sorted out.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would love that you hate walking in high heels — not just because of the height thing, but also because he feels very strongly about messed-up beauty standards and believes in bucking them whenever possible — and the one time his stylist insisted you wear heels to Cannes, you would take them off halfway down the red carpet and Daniel Radcliffe would hold them for you while you went the rest of the way barefoot.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he’d always want to hold hands. You’d get used to him gesturing with the hand that’s still all wrapped up in yours, so all of a sudden he’d be pointing off into the distance and your arm would be stretched out, and you’d start laughing and he’d forget what he was so excited about in the first place.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would love that you sometimes get so into what you’re working on that the two of you only communicate through protracted WhatsApp conversations in which you don’t really respond to anything the other one says, you’re just trading bits of your interior lives back and forth like a tennis match but for oversharing. Whenever you’d end up sexting, it would always be at some weird time of night because of the time difference or because he grabbed his phone during intermission at the show he was currently headlining in, so you’d end up blushing over late dinner with your friends because Daniel Radcliffe is never sloppy with his punctuation around you.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, Emma Watson would approve of you whole-heartedly. “I told you to date a girl who reads,” she would say, and link her arm through yours to discuss which Jane Austen heroines she wants to play (all of them). She would ask if you’ve ever thought about writing adaptations “…because Dan says you’re such a brilliant writer…”

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, the two of you would cook giant dinners for your friends and he’d always insist on cleaning up. After dinner you’d all play elaborate board games (the kind with miniatures) on the living room rug. When everyone else went home, he’d pour you both some more wine, light a fire, and sit up against the couch, pulling you back against him. You’d talk about the game, about fiction, about whatever was on your mind, until he got up and held his hand down to you very seriously, and you’d let him pull you up and lead you to bed.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would never lose your laundry card and your bluetooth speakers would connect to your computer on the first try, every time.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would no longer feel self-conscious about all the infrastructure trivia you know. You’d pick the perfect moments to share the wealth of information you have about the subway system, skyscraper construction, and water towers in digestible micro-explanations that would leave your friends interested, but not overwhelmed.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would go to the farmers’ market early on Saturday mornings and everything you bought would fit in a single mesh market bag, and your flowy skirt, sandals, tight t-shirt, and belt would look absolutely perfect while making it clear you were not trying too hard, and in fact have never tried too hard in your entire life.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, the spates of long-distance while he’s on location would be an adjustment, but you’d both be very intentional about staying connected. You would email him things you were writing, and he would send you letters and pictures from all over the world. He would always offer to send you plane tickets to come meet him and sight-see while he’s filming, but it would never feel pressuring because he’d be so interested in what you do with your life when you’re not together. He’d light up like a star going nova whenever you took him up on it, though, and take great pride in showing you around Prague or Algiers or Toronto.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, being happy would no longer frighten you, and Staples would start carrying your favorite brand of pen in packs of twenty-five.

Miranda Dubner weaponizes daydreams for fun and profit, and will update her blog someday. Follow her on Twitter @writingmiranda.

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