If Daniel Radcliffe Were Your Boyfriend

by Miranda Dubner · August 10, 2015

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 4.13.03 PMPreviously in this series: If Blake Lively Were Your Girlfriend

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would be turned on by the fact that you win whenever you arm-wrestle. He’d look for excuses to arm-wrestle.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would wake up really early on purpose, just so you would have more time to laze around in bed together, reading. Sometimes he’d nudge you awake before dawn so the two of you could watch the sunrise on the roof with a blanket around your shoulders. You’d be grumpy at first, but he’d already have tea ready for you, and he’d be so scruffy and rumpled and earnest you’d just let yourself relax and sink into the morning with your head on his shoulder.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would beg you, from the bottom of his heart, never to make Harry Potter spell jokes in bed.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he’d be endlessly in awe of how you don’t seem to mind that his life is very peculiar and different from yours, and he’d hate dragging you into it but love being with you whether he’s in “movie star mode” or not. You’d just smile and tell him it’s all an adventure, and it’s a fine trade-off for everything you have together that when you go to Comic-Con he’s always wearing costumes with hoods or helmets.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, whenever you were in a bookstore (which would be very often) he’d nudge the books shelved around where your last name would be, leaving a gap. He would whisper, “That’s where you’re going to be someday,” with such confidence and affection that you’d melt and have to hide your blush behind a stack of Poirot novels.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, there would be a much higher concentration of show tunes in your life. He’d want to sing every duet with you.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would give him so much shit for liking Bulgakov. “You’re so deep, how do you even see in the darkness of your soul?” you’d ask, your feet tucked under his thigh as you lounged on the couch together. He’d look over at you and say, “So deep? Really?” and that would be the rest of your afternoon sorted out.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would love that you hate walking in high heels — not just because of the height thing, but also because he feels very strongly about messed-up beauty standards and believes in bucking them whenever possible — and the one time his stylist insisted you wear heels to Cannes, you would take them off halfway down the red carpet and Daniel Radcliffe would hold them for you while you went the rest of the way barefoot.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he’d always want to hold hands. You’d get used to him gesturing with the hand that’s still all wrapped up in yours, so all of a sudden he’d be pointing off into the distance and your arm would be stretched out, and you’d start laughing and he’d forget what he was so excited about in the first place.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would love that you sometimes get so into what you’re working on that the two of you only communicate through protracted WhatsApp conversations in which you don’t really respond to anything the other one says, you’re just trading bits of your interior lives back and forth like a tennis match but for oversharing. Whenever you’d end up sexting, it would always be at some weird time of night because of the time difference or because he grabbed his phone during intermission at the show he was currently headlining in, so you’d end up blushing over late dinner with your friends because Daniel Radcliffe is never sloppy with his punctuation around you.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, Emma Watson would approve of you whole-heartedly. “I told you to date a girl who reads,” she would say, and link her arm through yours to discuss which Jane Austen heroines she wants to play (all of them). She would ask if you’ve ever thought about writing adaptations “…because Dan says you’re such a brilliant writer…”

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, the two of you would cook giant dinners for your friends and he’d always insist on cleaning up. After dinner you’d all play elaborate board games (the kind with miniatures) on the living room rug. When everyone else went home, he’d pour you both some more wine, light a fire, and sit up against the couch, pulling you back against him. You’d talk about the game, about fiction, about whatever was on your mind, until he got up and held his hand down to you very seriously, and you’d let him pull you up and lead you to bed.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would never lose your laundry card and your bluetooth speakers would connect to your computer on the first try, every time.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would no longer feel self-conscious about all the infrastructure trivia you know. You’d pick the perfect moments to share the wealth of information you have about the subway system, skyscraper construction, and water towers in digestible micro-explanations that would leave your friends interested, but not overwhelmed.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would go to the farmers’ market early on Saturday mornings and everything you bought would fit in a single mesh market bag, and your flowy skirt, sandals, tight t-shirt, and belt would look absolutely perfect while making it clear you were not trying too hard, and in fact have never tried too hard in your entire life.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, the spates of long-distance while he’s on location would be an adjustment, but you’d both be very intentional about staying connected. You would email him things you were writing, and he would send you letters and pictures from all over the world. He would always offer to send you plane tickets to come meet him and sight-see while he’s filming, but it would never feel pressuring because he’d be so interested in what you do with your life when you’re not together. He’d light up like a star going nova whenever you took him up on it, though, and take great pride in showing you around Prague or Algiers or Toronto.

If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, being happy would no longer frighten you, and Staples would start carrying your favorite brand of pen in packs of twenty-five.

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88 Comments

  2. houblonchouffe +90

    So I know that every time one of these goes up, I’m like, That’s it, I’m done, no more, BUT

    That’s it. I’m done. No more.

    [sighhhhhh]

  3. ppyajunebug +102

    If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, there would be a much higher concentration of show tunes in your life. He’d want to sing every duet with you.

    1. Es_Petal +32

      Possibly the only thing that is a problem with my current gentleman caller is that he hates musicals. Clearly I need to bin him for Daniel Radcliffe (even though I’d only be using him for an introduction to Matt Lewis).

      1. rkfire +42

        even though I’d only be using him for an introduction to Matt Lewis

        yes

        Now I want to see a “If Matthew Lewis was your boyfriend” but I’m pretty sure that would just be “He’d suggestively lounge around your place in a sweater and underwear, if he bothered wearing clothing at all” x 100.

          1. perianwen +15

            (Matt sent me a reply letter when I wrote to him to ask for an autographed picture…so he has my undying affection)

          3. rkfire +11

            My only problem with that is that I am 75% sure I’m blushing when thinking about that photo shoot, and I think my face would turn bright red at work if there was an entire post that consisted of pictures from, or references to, that photo shoot.

    3. aiquale +28

      One of my longest standing boyfriend fantasies is to date someone who will spontaneously sing the “Elephant Love Song Medley” from Moulin Rouge with me.

    1. CleverManka +17

      Agreed. I’m not particularly drawn to him In That Way but I sure would love to hang out with him once in a while. He just seems so fun!

    2. Unreadaethel +49

      If Daniel Radcliffe were your platonic friend, he might get a crush on you, but would totally back off if you said you weren’t interested, and would never make it weird, because he knows how stupid and entitled that would be.

      1. perianwen +32

        Dan is also pretty vehement that the ‘friendzone’ is not a real thing and so he is the best.

    3. Fair_Amoret +7

      I was just thinking that this is the first entry in this series wherein I could imagine its subject both reading it and being quite tickled by it. Anybody ping him on Twitter with it yet? Let’s bring him on as a Toastie.

  6. champagneghost +127

    I was very content about this Dan Radcliffe dream until I saw “Staples would start carrying your favorite brand of pen in packs of twenty-five”. Then I realised that is the ultimate dream. Sorry Dan.

    1. drashizu +8

      Pilot G2 .07 mm black ink in sets larger than 3, actually on the shelf when I want them, is the ultimate in heady fantasies.

  10. doublehoagie +88

    I mean, I can try, but there is a good chance I might yell out “accio boner!” from time to time.

  11. jekyllian +108

    ” He’d look over at you and say, “So deep? Really?” and that would be the rest of your afternoon sorted out.”

    OH MY

    3. saraallain +26

      Look at all those dogs! Look at, specifically, the Colin-dog, centre-left. He looks like he knows who’s doing the walking today.

    6. BSD +19

      My wife saw this and said she’d leave me in a second. I could not, can not, and would not fault her for a second.

  14. gloriana232 +97

    “If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, whenever you were in a bookstore (which would be very often) he’d nudge the books shelved around where your last name would be, leaving a gap. He would whisper, ‘That’s where you’re going to be someday.'”

    *whimpers* what what what

    3. builtahouse +23

      yeah, guess I’ll be spending the rest of the afternoon sweeping up the fragments of my heart, thanks.

  15. philifox +50

    “Being happy would no longer frighten you”.

    Such is the power of DanRad.

    *spell joke*

  17. RudyRed +42

    I can promise I won’t make any Harry Potter jokes, but I probably will make Equus jokes at some point.

  18. SmrtCookie +108

    If Daniel Radcliffe was your boyfriend he would listen to your Rondumbledore theory and gently tease you in private but he would always back you up if it came up in a conversation with Rupert or Jo.

  19. Nikki +58

    If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would beg you, from the bottom of his heart, never to make Harry Potter spell jokes in bed.

    We agree that he would just have to deal, no?

      1. drashizu +4

        Mmmm maybe not if it had the opposite effect, though? I mean, we do have to take into consideration the ultimate goal–

        Okay, I’d do it just once too, just to say I’d done it.

  21. April +19

    I don’t want to date him, I just want him over for a dinner party, because I think he’d be amazing to just TALK to for a while. He’s so sweet and smart and funny.

  22. thebeagee +34

    The last one. THE LAST ONE. How did you KNOW??? *resists the urge to go on about how the ink flows on the paper and also my fear that happiness is not possible*

  23. sarahindie +20

    If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would never lose your laundry card and your bluetooth speakers would connect to your computer on the first try, every time.

    THIS IS LITERALLY ALL I WANT.

  25. headfullofhoney +71

    I am convinced, unshakeably so, that he is into weird (good weird) sex stuff and really good at it (it being Sex Stuff.)

    1. anotherkate_sf +33

      This makes me imagine him tied to the bed frame with a huge grin on his face, and … I’ll be in my bunk.

  26. aiquale +54

    . . . so you’d end up blushing over late dinner with your friends because Daniel Radcliffe is never sloppy with his punctuation around you.

    I . . . I cannot even begin to tell you how deeply that phrase turns me on.

  28. bookwormV +10

    The Harry Potter thing is one of the only drawbacks I can see to dating Daniel Radcliffe; yes, he is lovely (and my age), and this makes him sound even lovelier, but long conversations about the Harry Potter universe (and any mentions of my dislike of the films) would be so awkward. I need my HP meta conversations!

  29. mkpatter +40

    If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, and you asked him what his favourite Harry Potter slashfic is, he would carefully and thoughtfully research the answer before getting back to you.

  30. celery +24

    Though I adore all these posts, until this point, I have always thought at the end, “that’s a great fantasy, but it’s not really me, honestly.”

    No more. This was too perfect. The constant support of writing. The ability to tactfully work obscure knowledge into conversations. The show tunes. Be still, my heart.

  31. CordeliaFitz +8

    Has there been a “If Kumail Nanjiani Were Your Boyfriend” in this series yet? I was quite sure there was, but I can’t find it in the archives, so maybe I just imagined it.

    … Asking for a friend …

    1. Fair_Amoret +3

      Yes, please ask this for, er, a friend of mine also.

      (Unfortunately we have a clear image of what this is like, and the answer is “You would coordinate his fantastic underground comedy TV show,” and so I am pre-disappointed that it’s not my life either.)

  32. Susan +21

    I work with a guy who looks a lot like Daniel Radcliffe. He works from home a lot, using video conferencing for meetings, and it can be very…distracting at times when he is on a call in a tank top looking sleepy and tousled.

  33. tinypaperbirds +15

    I guess this is as good a spot as any to politely request If Carey Mulligan Were Your Girlfriend?

  37. Jill +50

    Ok so I MET DANIEL RADCLIFFE ONCE. I’m from Buffalo and he had recently been in Buffalo on his way to Canada and commented on how passionate Buffalonians are about the Buffalo Bills (he’s really into the NFL) and so I struck up on conversation with him about it and his ENTIRE FACE LIT UP and he got so excited and told me to send Buffalo his love

    AND AFTER THAT I KNEW I WOULD DIE HAPPY. He’s seriously sooo lovely. And not even THAT short.

  44. Garnthegrim +4

    I’m just going to come out and say it. I prefer the ones where everything is brilliant to the ones that are a bit more balanced. I missed you, wanton fantasy.

  46. Invisible_Kiwi +10

    I once had a dream where I was at a summer camp with Daniel Radcliffe, and he kept asking me out. I turned him down because I didn’t fancy him, and he was really sad.
    (Also Daniel Craig was there?? There was kind of a ‘famous Daniels’ theme to that dream.)
    Regardless, having read this I think dream-self may have made the wrong decision.

  47. AmateurHermit +3

    OK, now I feel like a Bugs Bunny cartoon where he has hearts for eyes… also slightly disturbed & pervy because Daniel Radcliffe is young enough to be my kid.