Hey Ladies: Take it to Slack

by Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss · June 30, 2016

Hey Mallory, Nicole, Nicole, and The Toast community!!!

Thanks for an amazing three years. We will literally miss you. See you all for brunch? Or has anyone heard of “Sleep No More”? Seems so cute but also scary! Let us know!

Xo,

Michelle & Caroline

TO: Ladies List-Serv
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: Slack????

Hey ladies,

Katie here. Thanks for meeting me off-thread (the chain about Nicole’s CC debt solutions was getting a little too deep, IMO!)

I was just searching our archives — can you believe we’ve been emailing each other nonstop for 12 years? It’s like, Wanna Feel Old? (That’s a Twitter joke lol.) Email feels super antiquated to me, tbh. It’s like, it’s 2016. We could do a GroupMe, or a WhatsAPP or a Snapchat or a Twitter DM or a Slack…the list honestly goes on. If anyone knows how to code we could also make our own app for chatting?

If anyone has any suggs I am all ears!!!

CEO of technology,

Katie

TO: Ladies List-Serv
FROM: Ali
SUBJ: RE: Slack???? RIP MORGS’ GRANDMOTHER

Hey Ladies!

Thanks for getting the ball rolling, Katie! I’ve been SO busy this summer! I’m literally writing this email on my phone as I’m getting a mani/pedi/argentinian (it’s like a brazilian, but more rejuvenating).

I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the SAD news about Morgie’s grandmother — I was just leaving Matt’s (Wharton, ’03, Harvard Business School, ’07) apartment. We met a week ago and he is GORGEOUS and to quote my hero, “he’s so tall and handsome like hell” and we had the most amazing night!!!! He’s really busy, and I am too, but we were able to meet up from like 1-6:30a. In the morning he made me coffee (Nespresso!!!!) and it was soo adorable and he put it in this to-go cup for me, like how funny is it that he just had those lying around in his apartment LOL.

Katie, can you run a Lexis Nexis on Matt?? And also, all of Matt’s ex-girlfriends going back to high school. Also, do you think it’s a dealbreaker if someone says they’re voting for Trump?? Election years are so stressful.

Anyhoo! I was leaving Matt’s place when I got the text about Morgie’s grandmother dying sadface and I think it’s really important we mobilize and are there for Morgie. We need to help plan the most classy and beautiful memorial of all time, while ~celebrating~ her life and also paying homage to the trailblazing women that have come before us (the Jackie Kennedy Onassises, the Grace Kellys, and the Kris Jenners). Also Morgan’s grandma it turns out lived in a very fancy Park Avenue apartment and comes from steel money which was like turn of the century version of apps, and it would be really cool to introduce ourselves to that side of Morgie’s family, while 10000% being there for Morgan in her time of need. In no particular order, I think we should focus on:

1) NYT obit — katie, can you use your press contacts??

2) Should I sing an aria??

3) Out of respect to Morgan’s grandmother and out of respect to this time of year, should we do a sangria station??

4) Obvs we’ll all need to wear something somber. Please text me your black dress options and I’ll give you my feedback. It’s really important we adhere to the “death” theme.

5) Speeches — Morgan should speak, but she’s terrible at public speaking so maybe one of us (me?) should read her eulogy for her??

I love you all very much. Life is so fleeting! Please respond to this ASAP.

xx, Ali

“I can’t explain to you the reason you do the things you do, Evan.” – Chad, The Bachelorette

TO: Ladies List-Serv
FROM: Jen
SUBJ: I’m out!! Sry 🙂 (RIP!)

Hi Ladies!

The hubs and I are going to be out East for most of the summer, so I’m probably not going to be able to make this soiree/memorial! Have fun for me though!!!!!

You’re all invited out anytime!!! But please ask me first with plenty of notice. We are so booked up this summer, it’s ridic. Brad is so ready to get me pregnant, lol!! He’s even vetting some nannies and au pairs that some of his colleagues at work recommended. He’s gonna be such a great dad!!!!

love ya!

Jen

TO: Ladies List-Serv
FROM: Ash
SUBJ: RE: I’m out!! Sry 🙂 (RIP!)

Hey Ladies,

So sorry to hear about your grandma, Morgs. Thanks for taking the lead, Ali. I know Morgs’ grandma would have really appreciated it, even though when we stayed at her beach home in Newport, Rhode Island you insulted the decor and she definitely heard you but yes, RIP for sure <3 <3 <3

Do you wanna do like a derby theme? I just bought a new hat that I am dying to wear. If I send a pic will you guys tell me if it looks good? Just Snapchatted it.

<3

Ash

TO: Ladies List-Serv
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: SLACK

Hey,

Just as a reminder, I made a Slack chatroom to promote efficiency!

XO,

Katie, a journalist reporting on the intersection of tech and internet culture

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Caitlin
SUBJ: Funeral hashtags?

Hiiiii!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the derby idea!!! So cute! I have a Lilly Pulitzer dress that’s perfs for this occash! The hashtag should be tasteful, yet appropriate —

#ThisMemorialIsToDieFor

or #YouUsedToCallMeOnMyRotary

or #IsItTooLateNowToSayGoodbye

or #AshesByTheOcean

Pls let me know so I can inc it on the invite!!! What’s a really somber gif to include??

Should we contact Morgan’s fam, or do this as a surprise?? Which is more thoughtful??

Ali, Matt is a babe!!!! Are you gonna bring him as your +1? I found his ex-gf on Insta, she is sooooo pretty!!!! Really classy, like GOOP meets Allison Williams.

When are we doing the memorial, the next few weeks are cray for me!

luvs,

Caitlin ~the original I AM CAIT~

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Gracie
FROM: Nicole
SUBJ: Coupon for Slack??

Hey Ladies!

So weird, someone must have taken me off this thread by mistake??? It might be really fun to DIY this memorial, as like a nod to the Depression like when Morg’s grandma was our age? That could be superrrr adorable! Like BYO sangria??? I have a really cute black romper with cut outs!! Can’t wait to wear!!!

Kate, I love Slack and have been dying to try it!!! Does anyone has a password I can borrow LOL??

What’s everyone doing tonight? Should we do a fun memorial planning sesh?? I’m p open! Morgs’ uncle is HAWT, how old do you think is too old???

xx, Nic

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Gracie, Nicole
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: SLACK????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ladies!

sorry nicole, you must have gotten lost in all the cc’s and the bcc’s haha (journo-speak!) Do you use Outlook or gmail? Believe it or not, it matters. Feel free to ping me if you wanna take this tech convo offline for the DL. LMK!

I love the idea of a Depression-themed funeral for several reasons! One, themes are really in. Two, funerals are already depressing so everyone will come dressed for success (or whatever). We could also serve jello salads; does anyone know how to cook? Do you think we could seamless? Before you ask, no, I don’t have a coupon, Nicole!

Instead of doing a collage of pics of Morgs’ grandmother, does anyone want to try to commission an oil painting??? I feel like there has to be an NYU student who wants to build their portfolio of clips.

Will the church have wifi?? Should we livestream???? LMK…

also FYI this would be seriously so much easier on Slack!!!!!

Best and warm kind regards,

Katie

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Gracie, Nicole
FROM: Ashley
SUBJ: What is Brexit

Hey ladies,

Can someone do a quick Google of Brexit? So confused. Does this have to do with gun control?? I am very against that btw. #ImWithHer. LMK. Brexit (sp?) is all over the news today, and it cut into makeovers on GMA (rude!)

A shley

S sends

H er

L ove

E specially to

Y ou

^^ please remember to take my twitter poll about my new sig!

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Gracie
FROM: Nicole
SUBJ: RE: What is Brexit

If anyone gets ahold of some Brexit, LMK, would love to try it!!! Do you feel it the next day?

I love the Depression-themed funeral! So goth!!! I’m gonna wear a choker and stay on-theme with the Dead of Knight Kyle lip kit!!! Should we do a group order??

xoxoxoxoxox Nicole <3

p.s. If anyone hasn’t signed up for Uber or Lyft (fun ride-sharing apps, I’ll send you my code!)

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole
FROM: Gracie
SUBJ: RE: What is Brexit

Hey everyone,

Hope you’ve all been well and are having a fantastic summer so far.

Thanks for letting me know about Morgan — I just texted her also. I was thinking I will send her some flowers (if anyone else wants to go in on it, I’d be happy to put your name on the card too, just let me know) and it might be nice if we take her out to cheer her up. Losing a grandparent is really hard and just sucks so much. I think we should let her family plan the memorial, and just show up and support her any way we can.

Gracie

—

https://www.hillaryclinton.com/donate/

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: RE: What is Brexit

Sort of a passive (but cute!!!) plan, Gracie! I think Hillary would want you to Lean In a little more 😉 Needs a better hook, angle, graf, lede, hed, deck, meta, etc. Think about the clicks, G! Can speak more to this on Slack.

More soon, at soul cycle now!

– K.

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Ali
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

Lightbulb moment: what if we did a Hamilton-themed funeral???? Like #HAM4GRAM

It’s so on-trend right now, and I could reach out to Lin-Manuel on twitter to see if he’s free??

xx Ali

“If you stand for nothing Burr what’ll you fall for?” – Hamilton

“Sorry, I ain’t sorry” -Beyoncé, “Lemonade”

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

hey!

great idea! maggie’s cousins love hamilton, do you think they’d want to do a tribute song at the wake????

any ideas for mashups????

katie

ps meet me in the slack “room where it happens”!!!

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Gracie
FROM: Nicole
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

do you think i could ask for comp tix for research???

nic

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Jen
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

Hey Ladies!

Can you PLEASE take me off this thread?? I am just sooo swamped with the reno, I don’t think I’ll be able to squeeze in Morgs’ grandma’s funeral — honestly, if she had died any other time (post-August) I could totally fit it in!!!

Don’t hate me, but I’ve seen Hamilton so many times already!!! Brad keeps getting me tickets on nights where he has to work late and stay at the office overnight! He’s so thoughtful!!!!

What’s slack?? Is it one of those before-work dance parties I saw on The Today Show?? Honestly, you girls keep me young!

x, Jen

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

Okay I feel like I have to take control here:

Ali – Outfits. Think Revolutionary War meets Mean Girls Halloween. Historical, but still hott!

Nicole – Food. What did Hamilton people usually eat? NVM, too much work. Can Sweetgreen cater?

Ash – choral arrangements. Can you print sheet music from your office?

Should we sell tickets to help fundraise for funeral costs? hear those are very expensive.

(And I will do PR for the event.)

Jen can you do marketing?

– K.

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Ali
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

Aw, I seriously love all these ideas Katie!!!!

Really quick changes, below:

Caitlin — I think we should aim for a “hot widow” look. Something very Jackie O./what Kim would wear to Kanye’s funeral. Please send me pinterest options this afternoon so I can veto accordingly.

Nicole – I actually love the Hamilton food idea. Can you pls source caterers that specialize in the Revolutionary era? But like, no rabbits pls. I want to eat really clean and holistically.

Ash – Should we look into an acapella rendition of the entirely of Lemonade?? Choral arrangements are okay, I guess, but I feel we can be more creative, and it’s kind of a downer. Haven’t these people been though enough??

Otherwise, I love all these ideas!!!!!!!!!

Gotta get back to this important meeting!!!

Ali

“Work work work work work” – Rihanna

TO: Ali
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: Why?

Ali –

taking this off-thread a sec.

i read in nymag that women shouldn’t start statements with “i feel” but i feel you just changed all of my ideas????

lmk!

katie

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

Hey Ladies,

Just talked to Ali via DM (Slack allows private rooms, too! Wanna know more? Just ask!)

Forget her ideas, stick with mine.

This funeral is SO going viral.

Katie

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Ali
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

Hey Ladies!

This is soooooo weird! I just got a google alert for Morgan (I have one set for each of you <3, love my squad!!) and apparently the funeral happened last week????

Has anyone texted Morgan???

Should we just take her to brunch this weekend to comfort her?

I’m thinking party brunch, but LMK if anyone else has a better idea… We should really get on it ASAP.

xx, Ali

“Here’s the thing, Kanye: you’re cool.” – Lena Dunham, in reaction to the “Famous” music video

“Even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes.” – Countess LuAnn de Lesseps

TO: Ladies List-Serv, Nicole, Gracie
FROM: Katie
SUBJ: HAMILTON THEMED FUNERAL?

ladies,

there’s a slack integration that would have helped remind us the exact deets of the funeral. it’s really fucked up, IMO, that morgan’s family lost their matriarch AND did not get a chance to see Hamilton.

it’s best you take me off these emails if you continue to ignore the technology that is evolving all around us.

i’m having dinner with gracie tonight.

goodbye,

katie

Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She’s also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She’s tweeted over 100,000 times.

Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

280 Comments

    1. TheasyPeasy +64

      I haven’t read it yet either but tears immediately sprang to my eyes when I saw the headline and I just clutched my headphones to my chest.

      I barely stopped myself from wailing from within my cubicle.

    2. Princess Sparkle +51

      I have been waiting for one last Hey Ladies!, and now that it’s here, I don’t know how to handle it.

    3. flying_ghoti +100

      I saw the headline and said, “oh, neat, they’re promoting the Toast Slack group,” and then I saw what it actually was and I’m not really 100% sure if I shouted “OH NO” out loud or not as I clicked frantically on it.

      1. ppyajunebug +89

        NGL, I thought the same thing and was like “I don’t remember asking the Nicoles to put anything about the Slack up” and then went OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

    4. Pegasus Olson +52

      is this full meta or just a coincidence or god forbid a judgement or or or or

    5. Swordsandspindles +54

      Hey, this Slack thing sounds neat, how about we get one of those for the Toasties to keep in touch????

      Ok, I’ll show myself out.

    6. wisco_disco +49

      Institute procedures to make sure no Hey Ladies! ever make it to Toast Slack, quick!

    8. Earthgirl07 +5

      This was everything I wanted from one last Hey Ladies, but the Slack stuff was *even better*

  2. MissBadcrumble +82

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 11!!!!! 11!@! 1!!!!! 22@@@221!!!!!!!!!
    That is all. Now I’ll get back up to read it.

    (P.s. I always imagined Anna Camp of Unbreakable Kimmie Schmidt fame as Ali)

  3. aravisthequeen +241

    This is it. This is the nadir. Nothing else can surpass this for horror. (Also strangely meta!) Nothing more awful can exist in this world.

    Also I need to point out that she is not even quoting Taylor correct, it should be “handsome as hell” and not “handsome like hell.”

    #freegracie

        1. whollyword +47

          And not understand Hamilton or Lemonade AT ALL.

          *shivers at the horrifying brilliance*

    2. Laconic +31

      It usually takes me about three rounds of giving into despair to get through a whole Hey Ladies and this was the point of my first tap out on this one.

      “OF COURSE Swifty is her idol I mean…wait that’s….that’s not even the lyric.” *switches tabs for 10 minutes while trying not to think about it.*

  4. angrypedestrian +317

    And they shall go out like they came in, a tornado of the worst people in the world. I am going to miss them.

    Let us all strive to be Gracies in this life and the next.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +71

        Gracie probably has a lot to learn about tech and internet culture and apps! This is a great opportunity for her.

      2. angrypedestrian +54

        She is too kind. But maybe there is hope! Maybe she can lure Katie to the light! I believe in her power.

          1. FreeRangeMenses +53

            As much as I want Gracie to be in my #squad, I totally get why she’d keep associating with these loons. Front-row seat to the tornado of horribleness? Yeah, I’d stay too.

    2. ashurredly +36

      Idk, I would be sort of okay with being Nicole. She’s such a dirtbag and I love it.

    1. OoTheHumanities +11

      I had never read this series and it is such a gift! Enjoying reading the archives all at once.

      1. Opal_Whitely +7

        Same! Reading almost all of them in the span of a few hours yesterday seriously affected my moral compass short-term, though.

  6. ppyajunebug +204

    there’s a slack integration that would have helped remind us the exact deets of the funeral. it’s really fucked up, IMO, that morgan’s family lost their matriarch AND did not get a chance to see Hamilton.

    so basically now we need to add a #HAM4GRAM channel to toastieslack

    LONG LIVE ALI AND HER KILLER EMAIL SIGNATURES

      1. ppyajunebug +19

        Email ppyajunebug at gmail for an invite and I can send you a guide to the slack

        1. Smitty +7

          Can I also send you an email for an invite? I am downloading the app now! (I don’t even know what Slack is… :-/ )

        2. TTmatryoshka +4

          omg, may I join as well??? I am so sad and need to keep the toasties in my life.

        3. arachnidette +6

          thank youuuuuu for organizing the Slack!! I have no idea how it works but I’m excited to be there

    2. foxinthe_snow +46

      I think I died at #HAM4GRAM so you guys probably need to come up with a themed memorial service for me now

      lmk

      1. keristars +22

        i misread that as “themed monorail service” and was like OKAY YES

        please how can we make this happen?

  8. Merripat +124

    I had the feeling it would be about a funeral, but this is so much better than I expected.

    Gracie, you rock.

    “Does anyone know how to cook?” DEAD

  9. merrite +42

    AHHHHHHHHHHH

    I’m very glad that my important business meeting is delayed so I can read Hey Ladies and wince at such beautiful horror at my desk!!

      1. tinypaperme +100

        Her email address changed when she left her job and the city eight months ago. She didn’t feel it necessary to tell anyone.

    2. FreeRangeMenses +102

      Turns out she was organic and full of really high-quality protein, so they ate her in a GOOP-inspired Youth Ritual, complete with an on-brand hashtag. #Char4LyfeLiterally

  11. amygriz +163

    I just came here to say that this is the most awful one of all.

    goodbye,

    katie

  12. mariahnotmaria +27

    Ah, this was posted just as I was coming on to reread all of Hey Ladies!

      1. apple_pi +68

        I’m also an Old and it is not too bad – it’s like a chatroom from 1998, lol.

        3. Ethylbenzene +23

          Yeah I was super confused at how this is a new thing because we’ve had chat rooms for forever? But ok I guess.

          1. SemperLegens +27

            EXACTLY!! I thought it was supposed to be new and ground-breaking, and instead….I feel strangely at home? In fact, I’m thinking of reviving my Angelfire webpage.

            Kids today, man.

      2. DoubtfulGuest +31

        This might be my problem? Also, I’m a little shy about jumping into the conversation. For some reason, Internet socializing intimidates me in a way that real-life interaction does not.

        1. LdyGray +29

          This is often how I feel about Toast comment threads as well. But I’m going to try it, because I will miss all of you FAR TOO MUCH otherwise. Come be brave with me?

  14. houblonchouffe +54

    oh maaaaaaan I have been soooo eager for/completely dreading this moment.

  15. SarahHelenaCosima +86

    I thought the Toast would give me tears on the last day, but instead it’s given me the vapors.

  16. ZoyaMars +140

    I haven’t even finished but I got to “should I sing an aria” and almost started cry-laughing because I’m going to miss this so much

    Edit: Read it. So good. So painful.

    1. bookwormV +6

      I can’t decide which is more amazing/terrible, the aria or the sangria station.

      1. Unreadaethel +10

        This makes me think it’s a combination waxing appointment and vagina-steaming session.

    2. eliana23 +11

      I’m going to be using that for the rest of my life; years from now, I’ll have to explain the origin story and tear up about The Toast.

      1. j_bird +15

        Sometimes you want your Amazon Basin denuded, sometimes you want your Falkland Islands landscaped. It’s good to have options

  18. eegghh +257

    I WILL MISS YOU HORRIBLE WOMEN MOST OF ALL.

    “If anyone gets ahold of some Brexit, LMK, would love to try it!!! Do you feel it the next day?”

    2. TheasyPeasy +75

      I blanched so hard and had trouble breathing at that one. This is such a perfect satire because it is definitely how some people are — ahem, like the Brits who googled “What is the EU” the day after they voted to leave it — and it pains me to no end yet I love it most of anything of all.

      1. eegghh +49

        God, I can never breathe when I read these. They’re exactly right, because they are the worst thing that ever was. Smelling salts done through satire.

        1. TheasyPeasy +27

          It is very hard, but quite worth it, to read these while cringing and forgetting to breathe. 

          Smelling salts through satire is damn right.

  20. tragicallyludicrous +43

    I still don’t know what Slack is and this isn’t convincing me I need to care

    1. ashurredly +17

      It is basically like if The Toast comments were really multiple giant chatrooms.

    2. mydonkeyfeet +11

      And there’s a Toastie slack that you should join by emailing ppyajunebug at gmail .com

  22. irishbreakfasttime +111

    I love that, as long as the Ladies have known each other, they don’t know that
    1. None of them can cook, c’mon
    2. All of them know what Uber is, and are probably responsible for at least a hundred drivers quitting or being fired

    I’m not sure how the Ladies survived before Seamless and Uber. Did they CALL for delivery and take the filthy, nasty, subway like a bunch of CHUMPS?

    1. octarineoboe +9

      I think they might be young enough that they had no adult life before Seamless and Uber.

    2. Mike +11

      All of them know what Uber is, but Nicole is still holding out some dirtbag hope that she can get someone to take her invites so she can finagle a free ride. #neverchange

  23. studybears +163

    I’m going to miss these awful people so much.

    I wish there was a Clickhole’s “Which One of My Garbage Sons Are You”-style quiz for Hey Ladies.

    Which One of These Horrifying Hey Ladies Are You?

    1. emmysuhweeks +42

      ohhhh someone smarter and funnier than me needs to make this quiz immediately

      1. ofTrebond +133

        Or is this like Mallory’s quiz about the Bennets where we all think we’re Gracie but really none of us are Gracie?

        1. dakimel +129

          I said WE ARE ALL GRACIE. Mallory doesn’t have time (probably) to refute it, so there.

        2. Theo_Winterwood +65

          I have a sudden existential dread that I merely hope that I’m Gracie but I’m actually Nicole.

          1. Unreadaethel +43

            I’ve definitely been Nicole in the past (I mean, with the coupons and the DIY, not the cc debt and general incompetence), but I hope to god that I’m Gracie now.

          2. whollyword +39

            I am Nicole, because I am the one living in a co-op and arguing for a picnic or potluck instead of brunch.

            Except now, a higher proportion of my friends are also financially strapped (or know that I am and aren’t garbage-y about it). Back when I was new in town, though, my worst nightmare was going out with Bex’s friends and buying an appetizer for dinner, then hearing someone working in tech, who’d just ordered a bottle of wine, say, “So we’re splitting this evenly?”

            NO, MONEYBAGS. We are not.

        1. Opal_Whitely +18

          The thing where she goes ahead and buys things without people agreeing to them, then demands to be paid back is genius. I’m considering adopting this tactic.

    3. FreeRangeMenses +94

      I’m probably Jen, God help me. “Vetting” the au pairs? Yeah, party on, I’ll be eating Raisinets at my fifth viewing of Hamilton.

      1. 1sic1 +49

        “Here honey, I found you 11 more au pairs to vet. Pics and measurements attached. Tix plz?”

  24. thebellewitch +205

    Oh my goodness oh my goodness. I’m going to have to say my favorite here is Jen. JEN. Jen and her multiple Hamilton viewings while her husband has to work late and also spend the night at the office.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +107

        omg, I did not make that connection. I love how I need to read these Hey Ladieses at least three times to notice everything.

    5. arachnidette +28

      I have to go reread the archives but I feel like this is a not unexpected end to Jen’s story. I bet she has the best instagram, though.

      1. whollyword +34

        Oh, Jen.

        I hope she and Brad are actually in an open relationship– she just doesn’t want to talk about it with people whom she expects would judge her– and that she has a lovely paramour who’s in the Hamilton cast or crew.

    6. anthemyst +66

      If my husband wants to buy me tickets to see Hamilton every time he cheats on me, I feel like that is a pretty good deal

    7. keristars +17

      Wasn’t there speculation that Brad was gay early on, or worrying about it, or was that another paramour?

      1. Unreadaethel +21

        Maybe it’s both? He could be interviewing hot young childcare professionals (they’re like nannies, but men, so they need titles).

  25. JGlows +126

    I am impressed at how this series went out in glorious new heights and explosions of tastelessness. It was spectacular.

    “argentinian (it’s like a brazilian, but more rejuvenating)”

    I spit out my tea reading that.

  26. Frumiosa +225

    THIS ONE HAS EVERYTHING. SLACK. HAMILTON. BREXIT. “an acapella rendition of the entirety of Lemonade.” I’m having dinner with Gracie tonight.

    This is the purest form of a Toast memorial. Brava.

  29. kokeefe11 +168

    Hey Ladies,
    I just wanted to say, as we move forward in this totally great but also totally sucky step into the future, that I’m very emotional about this being the last “Hey Ladies”. I will never forget you, and I will for sure karaoke this weekend and dedicate a sad Sarah Mclachlan to you all (what is up with her btw? Has like nothing ever good happened in her life?). And like four margaritas, each obvi.

    Love you all, I’ll catch you around even though I don’t totally get this slack thing, I’m like pretty sure you guys are wrong and that it’s a pill you can give your boyfriend to have a night off, my doctor gave me like fifteen (for emergencies! No judging).

    Loves foreves.

    1. deleted1892326 +82

      Hey Ladies!!!

      Have you heard of private room karaoke?? I hear it’s all the rage, and you like, don’t even have to wait for your turn! But I still think we should work out songs now, because I know you all could use the rehearsal time! I’ll be singing the Whitney Houston classic I Will Always Love You bc guys, it’s true!!! Never Change!!!

      xxox

      —–

      “I Didn’t Know Any Better” — Mariah Reynolds

  30. sausagedog +156

    Sangria “out of respect to this time of year”
    KYLE LIP KITS
    #HAM4GRAMMMM

    Thank you for sending us off in the most batshit way possible, I love this series with my whole heart and bless you and the Toast for bestowing it upon us. If anyone wants to start a post-Toast Hey Ladies email chain with me LMK!!

    – Sausagedog
    “What’s worse: being jealous or crazy? Jealous or crazy? [airhorn noises]” -YONCE

  31. phlippin +147

    3) Out of respect to Morgan’s grandmother and out of respect to this time of year, should we do a sangria station??

    The exact point at which I lost it. I’ll miss your horribleness 5evs, Hey Ladies!

    1. arachnidette +8

      me to. What even is that? Sangria needs time, you can’t just slap it together like a bloody mary!

  32. emmysuhweeks +101

    “The hashtag should be tasteful, yet appropriate —

    #ThisMemorialIsToDieFor”

    The clear winner.

    1. whollyword +17

      I suspected there would be a funeral, but I incorrectly guessed that it would be Marie Antoinette-themed.

      1. nopemobile +15

        If Katie hadn’t ended the email chain where she did I’m sure they’d have come up with a Marie Antoinette theme eventually. Complete with decorative guillotines and plenty of cake.

  33. butlikereally +64

    YES
    YES YES YES YES
    YES YES YES YES YES
    P.S.
    Snapchat>Insta>Facebook>twitter etc.

    If you really want to do some damage, include a girl in a facebook group message, tag and then untag her in a group Insta at the event, then ask her to take photos of ‘all my baes’ while posing with the others, and add a solitary snap of her taking photos of everybody else on your snap story with the laughing with tears emoji.

    (I watched a girl absolutely destroy another girl over the course of a few days last weekend)

    3. bluewindgirl +56

      Wait, is the whole point that you post a pic of her sad and friendless? If so, what are the first two steps for?? God I’d be so bad at spotting intricate bullying schemes today– I was pretty bad at it when it was all lo-fi!

      1. Zelenka +39

        The rejection hurts more if it was preceded by apparent acceptance. That way she knows it wasn’t an oversight, but you snubbed her on purpose.

    5. j_bird +33

      There’s always at most one picture of me from any given party I attend, usually doing something boring and unphotogenic. I am really relieved that I can be 99% sure nobody is orchestrating this situation.

      1. 1sic1 +58

        I’m usually somewhere in the background, methodically double-fisting meat skewers. No sophisticated shade throwing needed.

        1. Unreadaethel +29

          double-fisting meat skewers

          I’m impressed that you managed to make “double-fisting” sound even more obscene than it already does.

      1. walrathem +35

        Brilliant, but evil. I would like to have A Word with that young woman and help her find a better use for her brains.

  34. Owlmouse +40

    SULKING IN A CORNER BECAUSE EVEN ON THE WONDERFUL LAST HEY LADIES, I CANNOT AVOID HAMILTON SPOILERS. (I sadly skimmed the whole section because my paranoia is strong. I have a ticket for December that I purchased in January. Someone is clipping their nails right now in the office. SOS. Please stop. I hear it. Click. Click. Do you think people who clip their nails at work take the time to pick up all of their nails afterward?)

    2. tinypaperme +12

      They do not. Or at least the person who occupied my office before I moved into it did not.

    3. two_ogres +6

      Once when I was a CA/TA, our lovely but aging professor came to my discussion section — which, just to help you picture this, took place with about 20 students seated around a very large table, so everyone could see everyone else — and CLIPPED HIS NAILS DURING CLASS

    4. Linabobeena +22

      I walked into my office’s communal kitchen to see a colleague clipping his TOENAILS on the TABLE. I could not even speak. Not sure I have ever been able to speak to him again, actually.

      1. dashitall +11

        P sure I would have thrown a pen at him and yelled like “AAAHHH NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP STOP THAT”

      3. weirdinglanguage +3

        I once saw a guy clipping his nails on a CTA TRAIN.

        I may or may not have told him off.

  36. BobOfSeals +150

    I am not even done yet but I got to …comes from steel money which was like turn of the century version of apps and I am S C R E A M I N G

    1. whollyword +20

      There is an Atlas Shrugged theme party in the Hey Ladies future, at least the future they have in my head, probably culminating in a fight to the death over who gets to be Dagny.

  38. SmrtCookie +79

    #HAM4GRAM at SpaceWitchCon? I’ll bring the sangria, someone start arranging Lemonade. Post potential outfits on toastieslack #stylespot so we can ok them! LMK!

  40. Household_Opera +120

    I started silently shrieking in horror at

    Also, do you think it’s a dealbreaker if someone says they’re voting for Trump?? Election years are so stressful.

    and then the silent shrieking intensified at

    Can someone do a quick Google of Brexit?

    and

    Sort of a passive (but cute!!!) plan, Gracie! I think Hillary would want you to Lean In a little more 😉 Needs a better hook, angle, graf, lede, hed, deck, meta, etc. Think about the clicks, G!

    and then I hit “pained lolsob” at

    What did Hamilton people usually eat?

    Hamilton people. Hamilton. People.

    I’m going to miss the Hey Ladies a lot, in a cringey schadenfreude-laden way.

    1. nopemobile +19

      Yup, election years are stressful precisely because you might have to decide whether to keep sleeping with a Trump supporter. Ah, to have these women’s lives.

  41. chnellociraptor +44

    Now I’ll NEVER find out if Ali was actually the devil incarnate and this was all some elaborate modern-day Faust.

    Man, I’m so glad this is how The Toast is going out.

    1. bookwormkay +16

      Have now read the whole thing, can confirm IT”S PERFECT. I want this to be the last straw that shows Katie the light, and I want her and Gracie to break away and live happily ever after

    2. Tarragoner +26

      I had to physically restrain myself from commenting before I read it. But I took a Brexit and Im feelin no pain.

  44. dakimel +23

    Thank you for bringing the Hey Ladies! back for a glorious and horrifying exit.

    Now I have to run away, screaming.

    1. Unreadaethel +62

      Unfortunately, studies to determine the duration of side effects are inconclusive at this time. Call your doctor at once if you experience any of the following:

      -nausea or vomiting
      -shortness of breath
      -unexplained currency devaluation
      -sudden loss of all foreign workers due to work/travel restrictions
      -existential dread lasting more than 4 hours
      -remorse for your role in the democratic process
      -pancreatitis

  47. stirringsofconsciousness +37

    So it ends as it begins, with me cowering away from the horror of these people.

    Thank you, dear Toasties, for never being these ladies.

  48. Theo_Winterwood +72

    “but yes, RIP for sure <3 <3 <3”

    This is as far as I’ve gotten right now but I am already dead of a combination of joy and horror.

    ETA: “Caitlin ~the original I AM CAIT~” OMG.

    ETA Part 2: I have just finished this and am feeling a whirlwind of emotions that I was not expecting, because somehow the last Hey Ladies ever is what has made me really truly realize how much I’ll miss this place. This was beautiful and hilarious and terrifying.

  49. ofTrebond +144

    “In the morning he made me coffee (Nespresso!!!!) and it was soo adorable and he put it in this to-go cup for me, like how funny is it that he just had those lying around in his apartment LOL.”

    I aspire to Ali’s constant optimism about her romantic life. Or possibly I aspire to having so many overnight guests I start keeping to-go cups to get them out the door in the morning while still being nice enough to give them coffee.

    2. nopemobile +32

      I came down here to scream about how terrible Matt is (trump!!!) but then got distracted by the landslide of horribleness that was the rest of the post.

    4. sausagedog +22

      I didn’t even parse this the first time. The only people I know with a Nespresso also have a stash of to-go cups (they’re a couple of doctors and oftentimes NEED their COFFEE as they run out to answer a page) so it did not even read as weird, but now I’m cackling.

      1. MissBadcrumble +10

        She’s so happy about it!

        Aww, Ali, you’re so cuteeee, lol!

        Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoooo
        -MsB

  51. irishbreakfasttime +142

    #HAM4GRAM

    A toast to the Gram
    (to the Gram)
    Of my Morgs
    (Mo-o-o-o-rgs)
    From your bestie
    (Ali, Ali, Ali)
    Who is totally adorbs
    (Adorbs! Adorbs!)
    To my Ladies
    (ILU Katie!)
    And the ideas you provide
    (Which I helpfully revised)
    May you always
    Take my advice….

    1. irishbreakfasttime +90

      I don’t remember last night, but it’s cause I’m just so busy these days
      I guess there were Wall Street bros trippin over themselves cause they were shitfaced
      I remember a Matt? yeah, Matt, I went to his place
      But then Morg’s gran died! OMG, sadface.

      2. MopRocks +49

        And can I just say?
        I think it’s so great how you all just stay the same. <3 <3 <3
        And when you say hey, I just know we’ll brunch again!
        Is cute brunch a thing? Should we do a theme?!
        (Is this still a thhhhing?)

    2. thejcar +54

      I know my Gracie like I know my own mind,
      you will never find anyone as trusting or as kind…

    3. Caroline Moss +36

      In an email I received from you two weeks ago
      I noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase
      It changed the meaning. Did you intend this?
      One stroke and you’ve consumed my waking days

      (I didn’t really have to change anything?)

  52. geekcrackteam +59

    BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ALI’S WINKELVOSS! These are the important questions.

  54. playeverything +37

    Being named Morgan and hating people’s abbreviations added another note of personalized horror to this. SOB. I’ll miss you beautiful monsters!

    1. Fearsomereader +6

      I too am named Morgan. ONLY my parents are allowed to call me Morgie (lord that looks terrible written out).

      1. Unreadaethel +15

        I mean, a bunch of them are for the same person, so there aren’t as many discrete funerals as it would appear.

        …oh my god. That one person’s name is Ali. HEY LADIES ARE A.

  56. Linette +66

    What hold up so Harvard Business School is a B-School and Wharton is ALSO a B-school and each of their curricula takes like two years but he went four years apart and …

    Matt is either lying his face off OR totally got kicked out of Wharton, is what I’m saying.

    Thank you, Hey Ladies, for all the baffling riddles you have given us. You will be missed.

      1. leslieellenjones +18

        Wharton has an undergrad program, which is what Donald Trump graduated from.

    2. nopemobile +22

      Thank you for spotting this gem; I was just laughing at her putting her (TERRIBLE) hookup’s credentials in the email as if that explained everything

  57. Vicki +40

    I LOVED THESE SO MUCH, very satisfying finale, and also, the fact that the one Taylor Swift lyric was slightly, deliberately incorrect is just….the attention to detail in The Horror of these is and has always been phenomenal.

  58. Merripat +37

    Came back to ask: Wasn’t Jen already pregnant one of the last times?? I’m pretty sure they, on some point, were planning her baby shower?? And all of these double-named women got added to the e-mail chain??

    1. BessieMaeMucho +29

      I thought this, too, and dug through the archives (a sacrifice, I assure you) – they’ve bent the space time continuum for this series before, so I’d guess we’re seeing something from before the 1st birthday party.

      Also, adding my voice to the chorus of “Thanks for all the shuddering laughter, Ladies!”

      1. Unreadaethel +18

        This explanation is preferable to the really sad one where she had a miscarriage/abortion and has either repressed it, or takes enough Xanax to be comfortable with everybody pretending it never happened.

        1. irishbreakfasttime +35

          I bet the “pregnancy” was a rumor that one of them started and no one ever corrected.

          2. irishbreakfasttime +65

            She drank a LaCroix instead of alcohol at brunch once because it was so #ontrend and everyone else just assumed and ran with it

          3. Unreadaethel +33

            And she liked having people planning a party for her while Brad was busy…being Brad, so she accepted all the attention and figured she’d come up with an explanation when she needed to. But she’s now forgotten that the whole thing happened, and is not covering her tracks (fortunately, her friends are all too self-involved to notice).

          4. Caroline Moss +59

            can i just say what i’ll miss the most about writing these is that you guys have already created an amazing narrative where even the stuff we overlook makes sense?!?!?!?!

    3. ladyimogen +41

      I think they decided she SHOULD have a baby soon so they preemptively began planning a shower?

    4. Räven +10

      In the last one (more or less) they all had babies with horrible names, luckily that reality has vaporized and those children no longer exist.

  60. Fluffernutter +36

    The Ali/ Katie power struggle gives me so much anxiety. We’ll never know which of these Ladies ends up on top, but surely they cannot both survive.

  61. thejcar +34

    I had literally all of the feels reading this, even while dying laughing. In my mind, Katie is going to totally level up into being a person, under Gracie’s gentle guidance. I know these ladies will live on in my heart forever, but yes, RIP for sure <3 <3 <3

  62. Tarragoner +15

    This is making me hyperventilate, cry and wave my hands around. Thing of beauty. Omg. And the Slack references made feel very much part of the In Crowd.

  63. LeighTX +25

    Hey Ladies brought me here, and Hey Ladies just took me out. #HAM4GRAM, indeed.

    I’m really going to miss coming here multiple times a day. I’ll probably get a LOT more work done, but I’ll miss it so, so much.

  64. Linabobeena +43

    “What’s a really somber gif to include??” I die.

    Gracie needs new friends.

    1. arachnidette +8

      I think she is a perpetual optimist hoping that she can help the Ladies be better people. But she deserves better.

  66. ashurredly +33

    The title made me cry.

    I super lost it at this line “Sort of a passive (but cute!!!) plan, Gracie! I think Hillary would want you to Lean In a little more ;)” Just omg so hilarious and so cringe-worthy and I am dying.

    And Katie, oh Katie. I’m so glad there might be hope for you.

  67. MopRocks +55

    Gonna miss these bitches so much.

    “so this is how it ends, not with a bang, but with some catty remarks and a single tear rolling down my cheek.” -Me

  68. HotDoom +77

    I think now’s the time to admit that I have opened emails with ‘Hey Ladies!!!’. Some of my friends also call me Ali. I just wanted to come clean.

    work work work work work – Rihanna

    1. octarineoboe +11

      I have also opened emails with “Hey Ladies!” But now I do it a little bit ironically and in hope that someone will recognize it as a Toast reference. No success so far, alas.

  69. laurensherm +36

    “Katie, a journalist reporting on the intersection of tech and internet culture”
    Caroline… is Katie your Id?

  70. Either_Ada +49

    But what would Kim wear to Kanye’s funeral, if Kanye isn’t there to tell her what to wear? Do you think he has a clause in his will for this contingency?

  72. Unreadaethel +32

    In honor of this, the last Hey, Ladies, I give you my current #winefort cocktail of choice:

    Take several basil leaves, muddle them with sugar. Add 2 oz (or whatever) gin, a glass’ worth (or whatever) red wine, shake with ice, pour into wine glass & serve. Proportions to taste, obv.

    I call it the Midnight Rendezvous, because of the deep red wine, the spice of the basil, and the ‘Mother’s Ruin’-ness of the gin. If people have better ideas for names, let me know.

    1. nopemobile +7

      Ohhhhh this sounds delicious and also deadly, I think I will be picking up some basil and red wine on the way home from work tomorrow

      1. Unreadaethel +6

        I’m mixing up a bunch of it to have tonight and also tomorrow for the last Open Thread.

          1. Unreadaethel +5

            I need to take cuttings of my basil plant, because I’ve only got the one, and so I have to ration it.

    2. DoubtfulGuest +2

      I have all of these things at home. I will take that as a sign that I must make this.

      1. Unreadaethel +6

        Tip: let the basil, gin, and sugar sit in a glass by themselves for a bit, to really let the flavor develop.

  73. SemperLegens +18

    How have I missed this? I am just learning of Hey Ladies. Actually, that’s very exciting, because now I can go back and glut myself on archives.

  74. EmSharp3 +26

    I can’t even describe which one I’m going to miss most. Maybe Ali as her ever-revolving door of men reminds me of myself, but probably Katie’s passive aggressive “look how much better I am at working and technology than you” comments will get the vote.

    Thank you so much, Michelle and Caroline, for these amazing emails the past 3 years. I try to spread the love and tell people about them all the time, and will continue to do so. I love them all and am so glad that you created this universe.

    1. Unreadaethel +10

      I write our company blog, and I often think about the hotness of the content that I’m creating.

  75. Cricket +26

    I had to pause reading after Ali’s first email to leave this comment because THE CHAD BACHELORETTE QUOTE. I am screaming internally. GOD BLESS HEY LADIES. Ok now back to savoring this last beautiful email chain.

    1. catmanscrothers +4

      ahhhhhhhhhhhh the Chad quote and the “LeanIn more!” passive-aggression, I DIE.

  76. softyellowmoon +29

    “It’s really important we adhere to the ‘death’ theme.”

    I mean…she’s not wrong. Also, I love that Nicole and Gracie were originally not part of the list-serv (obvs a total accident!). Why did Caitlin add them onto the thread, I wonder?

    1. whollyword +16

      I’m thinking to sow dissent by letting them know they were being left out?

  79. ectocool +22

    ‘vetting’ the au pairs oh my godddddd

    I envisage Charlotte and Gracie Ubering off into the sunset together.

  80. godisråttan +7

    Loved this! Have loved every one of these that I’ve read and never commented before. Very sorry about that. God I’m gonna miss this haven of whimsy!

  81. karimil +14

    This is so upsettingly good. Pitch perfect, wicked, and heartbreakingly good.

    If there is a way to subscribe to the email threads, I would pay a princely sum. But you are probably all going to be on slack.

    I will miss this site, this community, these contributors, and this private clubhouse more than I will ever miss something from the internet.

  82. weirdinglanguage +15

    The only good thing about these coming to an end is that my risk of biting clean through my tongue has gone down by 87%.

  83. thegirlfrommarz +29

    Hey Ladies! So I accidentally took a Brexit last week, and I’m still feeling the effects. Can anyone tell me when it wears off? Seems like everything is on fire and nothing makes sense any more lol.

    “Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” – UK Prime Minister Winston Churchill

    “The haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate” – TayTay

    (Oh Ladies, you terrible people, how I will miss you. Thank you, Caroline and Michelle. *pours one out for Gracie*)

    1. Unreadaethel +12

      Unfortunately, studies to determine the duration of side effects are inconclusive at this time. Call your doctor at once if you experience any of the following:

      -nausea or vomiting
      -shortness of breath
      -unexplained currency devaluation
      -sudden loss of all foreign workers due to work/travel restrictions
      -existential dread lasting more than 4 hours
      -remorse for your role in the democratic process
      -pancreatitis

      (reposted because you gave me the perfect opening to do so)

  84. mydonkeyfeet +5

    Shouldn’t there be a Hey Ladies slack channel?? I want to continue corresponding with them. Anyone else?

  86. znfchick +7

    I just kept whispering “no” in a tone of increasing horror at every fresh tone-deaf addition. This is perfect.

  88. paperbgprincess +3

    This is horrifying and amazing and absolutely perfect. Caroline and Michelle, you both deserve Nobel prizes. I think I have loved Hey Ladies most of all.

  89. J_M +7

    I feel terrible reading this, but also kind of giddy, does that make it a “hate read”? I’m trying to #staycurrent, so lmk, ladies. Maybe we can talk about it at the slack.

    (:RIP:)

  90. cloud_yeller +4

    This is all I could have ever wanted and more. Goodbye, ladies. I will cringe into the sunset.

  91. PettyVengeanceFetish +6

    I never thought I would get so invested in this series, but I have and oh my GOD it’s always so good. So cringe worthily, gasp inducingly, no shoutingly good.

  92. Apfelmoose +15

    In years to come, the Hey Ladies series will be pored over, annotated, and used in English classes to teach the incredible rewards of close reading.

    Thanks so much for getting the ball rolling on this!

  93. tekkah +8

    Oh my god it was my greatest hope that we’d get one more Hey Ladies and by gum this delivered. I haven’t horror-laughed so hard in my life. Poor Morgan. GRACIE FOREVER.

    #HAM4GRAM

  94. Scandyhoovian

    Oh my god it was my greatest hope that we'd get one more Hey Ladies and by gum this delivered. I haven't horror-laughed so hard in my life. Poor Morgan. GRACIE FOREVER.

    #HAM4GRAM

  95. lilsebastian01 +23

    Did anyone else feel a physical sense of relief when you realized the funeral had already happened? Morgan’s family doesn’t deserve this.

    1. Opal_Whitely +5

      Yes!
      But also, I somehow had never seen this series before, so I didn’t know what I was reading and I was horrified/fixated/nauseated the entire way through.

      My relief, then, at Morgs’ dodging of this bullet, was SKY HIGH.

  96. signifiers

    Oh my god. I started losing my ability to breathe for laughing at "Should I sing an aria?" and essentially died at "Why?"
    please give me a funeral with food that Hamilton people ate

  97. amoderngirl +13

    What a perfect send-off for Hey Ladies.

    Also, I read this on the bus and had the horrifying thought that anyone reading over my shoulder might think I was reading a real email thread from my friends.