Previously in this series: If Gwyneth Paltrow Were Your Girlfriend
Before Will Graham became your boyfriend, he would just be another guy in the “Learning to Let the Ex Go” group therapy session you signed up for. The therapist would strongly recommend that you not start seeing each other, but Will would say he’s had enough of other people saying what’s good for him.
On your first date, you’d notice him visibly relax when you choose a seafood restaurant and do all the talking. You’d apologize for talking about yourself so much, but he would say, “No, go on, I like hearing people talk about themselves.” You’d be surprised when he ordered the Montrachet, because he doesn’t strike you as a wine guy. When he did talk about himself, it would mostly be about his dogs.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, you’d instantly move into his farmhouse. There’d be so much space! So much fresh air! It would be so much quieter than the city! You’d suddenly not mind the isolation of long weekends spent at home. “It’s not the middle of nowhere if I’m with you,” you’d say, and mean it.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, your life would become at least 25% more quaint and more masculine: your plastic storage containers replaced with handmade wooden chests and vintage leather boxes with heavy iron locks. Adirondack chairs would just appear on your porch and you’d have more fishing equipment then you know what to do with. All fireplaces would be wood-burning and functional, and sturdy flannel blankets would always be within reach. You’d start chopping wood for your nightly post-dinner fireside chats and wonder why you wasted so much time at a gym.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, you’d go fly-fishing every weekend. You’d at least seriously consider going camping.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, you’d both finally get over your exes.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, you’d both get into CBT.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, Will would be upset whenever you both had to put on suits and ties for work. “I don’t like being so sewn up, like a blood sausage waiting to burst,” he’d say. You’d savor these occasional purple metaphors and moments of insight. He’d discreetly “lose” your paisley tie.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, all your clothing would take on a deep woods color scheme. You’d arrange his closet into preset outfits, because the man can’t match shirts to jackets to save his life. Every year you’d get him an Orvis gift card on his birthday and he’d be very good at redeeming them.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, you’d go from liking dogs to being a Dog Person. One of those dog people. The kind with matching dog sweaters, the kind that pick up strays and have to leave the room when the Sarah Mclachlan ASPCA ads come on. The kind that refer to their pets as their “pack.” The kind blind to being covered in dog hair who openly loathe Cesar Millan.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, whenever he got too serious or deep in thought you’d snap him out of it by picking him up and throwing him over your shoulder. He’d protest but you’d know he likes it when you don’t treat him like a delicate teacup. It’s the same thing when you notice and warn him when he’s going too deep inside himself or starting to imitate other people in order to feel safe.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, he’d call you “Daddy-o” once and it would go from a running joke to a sincere term of affection. You’d both secretly plan on using it in your wedding vows.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, you’d never ask him about his scars. You’d know that he will tell you in his own time.
Will Graham would never, ever judge you for ordering the salad.
Tags: beauty, john leavitt, relationships, television, will graham
AND PEOPLE SAID WRITING FAN FIC WAS A WASTE OF TIME
100000 points for having the job and money that allows you to write and link to your fic under your own name/publicly linked pseudonym without impunity!!! lol who’s bitter
Now you know how I felt when I got to write that Femslash Friday about America Chavez and Kate Bishop!
The only people who’ve ever said that are my husbands. You go John.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, nothing would ever be people except actual people. People who are definitely not food.
Somebody please save Will Graham, he deserves nice things!
Which CBT are we talking about here
YES. THIS.
MY QUESTION EXACTLY.
(my guess is both)
THANK YOU, MY EXACT QUESTION
i scrolled down to the comments immediately after that line
Exactly what I was wondering. I’m hoping for the dirty kind.
I came here to ask that!!
THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE’S LIPS. Tbf Will would definitely be off talking therapies for life, CBT’s the only way.
I guest edited a porn aggregator at one point but in some ways I am very innocent…..
That is EXACTLY what I said. Well, mostly I was all, “that must be from the seasons i haven’t seen yet?”
I… I never knew there was a second kind! That could explain some of the looks I’ve gotten when I’ve mentioned it…
Wait, which kind of CBT?
Yeah, that was my thought too….
When I went to post a comment, a previously abandoned comment was still in the box so here:
“This reminded me of A Prairie Home Companion, only good.”
Does it apply? Perhaps! I definitely would have paid more attention to APHC if it had cannibalism with homoerotic undertones, that’s for sure.
I’m here for Will’s dogs. Who is watching Winston while he gallivants across Europe?
Beverly, who is alive and well and takes Winston for long walks and is not dead and la la la I can’t hear you la la la.
I hope Alana’s looking in on them, but I’m also concerned about the possibility of Mason being around them (or conversely, the dogs being around Mason) again.
Ooh! What if Alana and Margot become dog moms together?! I WANT THIS TO HAPPEN
Oh goodness, yes! Margot and Alana would be THE BEST of all dog moms. I feel like all the dogs (but especially Winston) would become buddies with Margot’s horse(s? I feel like she probably has multiple horses) and it’d be adorable.
APPLESAUCE!
Also, I think I missed something, why is Mason is a wheelchair when all he did was slice his face off?
Lecter broke his neck in such a way that wouldn’t kill him, but would leave him paralyzed.
Hannibal broke his neck!
Oh, shit, I forgot that! Worst Fannibal ever. I watched that part through my fingers after it got to the schnozz-gobble.
I don’t remember us getting that part of the story yet (at least in the series; I think in the books, he’s also paralyzed? but I could be wrong), but with the way this season is jumping around in time, I’m sure we’ll hear about it soon.
He’s paralyzed in the books as well. Like 10 times worse and he’s missing way more of his face. He has no eye lids.
It’s probably one of the lab techs (miss seeing those guys) or Freddie (ditto I love her now).
I can imagine Mason harboring a grudge against them so let’s hope he’s not going to Will’s house.
Freddie! I hope she comes back soon; I want to know how all her hiding-out adventures are going.
It took me A LONG time to warm up to Will and the show as a whole after whatever season 1 episode where he finds a lost dog in the road WITH COLLAR, WITH TAGS and I forget but maybe with leash as well? and he does not take it to the vet and he does not call the phone number on the collar, he just takes it home with him, that kindly empathetic Will Graham does, because dog finders are dog keepers (I mean, I get it, his home is Wolf Trap, it’s thematic.) but I would have liked it if the meningitis breakdown had led to Will just even more brazenly walking into strangers’ living room and walking out with their dogs. like, what, I’m rescuing them! your dog would rather live with me, I’m a a dog empath, you can trust me on this.
Ok, that also disturbed me, but after looking at the scene again, Winston actually had a frayed rope around his neck, rather than a leash with collar and tags. In TV-land, this is apparently shorthand for “tied-up, neglected dog runs away/is abandoned.” So Will did not steal somebody’s dog.
TOO SOON, I AM STILL SAD.
Is there anyone who DOESN’T leave the room when that fucking McLachlan ad comes on?
If Will Graham were your boyfriend you would be Hannibal Lecter as played by Mads Mikkelsen because #HANNIGRAM #4EVER #NotThatKindOfParty
(Also can we please get scarf daddy/ stag man in on his somehow?)
*stabs, hugs*
JUST KISS, YOU BEAUTIFUL IDIOTS
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, you’d get sick of hearing about Hannibal Lecter all the time.
*throws him from train*
that scene made me laugh a lot. From now I’ll hold on to whoever is kissing me. Safer that way.
Unless they have a knife in their hand. The lesson is, relationships are dangerous in Hannibal-land.
The only place they are safe is book canon and if your name is Clarice. And even then there’s some weird shit.
There is no safe and book Clarice got it bad. For me is was worst then death. He broke her
Agree to disagree. I found the ending beautiful and therapeutic.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, you’d have to have A Talk with him one day about empathing the occasional animal carcass you found on one of your walks in the woods. It’s impressive that he can intuit the animals’ motivations and last thoughts, but it’s unsettling, and he needs to keep that shit to himself.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend, at the moment of orgasm he would intone:”This is my design.” It would be creepy.
Oh my GOD.
..but accurate.
oh my poor sweet will, i just want him to be happy AND YET
John Leavitt, you have made my ENTIRE day. Maybe my entire year.
Sometimes The Toast just GETS me. On a deep, visceral level.
Speaking of which, viscera in, or out?
You’d at least seriously consider going camping.
Let’s not go nuts.
No, YOU’RE crying. Shut up.
This is the best “if you were dating” post to date. 100% factual and relevant.
And not only because it is (I think) the only one that’s undisprovable.
w-a-a-ay back in season one I helped write this
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1043711
In which all the events of Season One of Hannibal take place via Ask Metafilter.
If Will Graham were your boyfriend everything would be wonderful and then one day you would quietly disappear, not too long after Will is sent away on assignment and his mysterious ex blows into town to charmingly ask you to lunch to discuss the man you both have in common. Everyone would wonder what became of you but then the conversation would go off on a seemingly unrelated tangent as a close friend of yours raves about the absolutely magical dinner party they just attended, along with all of your other closest friends and family, thrown by the most fascinating man.
…if Will Graham were your boyfriend…your name might be Hannibal Lecter.
*runs away*
That is EXACTLY what I said. Well, mostly I was all, "that must be from the seasons i haven't seen yet?"
I made it to the plaid tie mention and immediately thought ‘This is written by The Whelk, I KNOW IT IN MY HEART TO BE TRUE’ and I was RIGHT.
I know your beautifully outfitted signature, sir!
I mean, this is IS my tie rack so I guess it’s understandable
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CJkmoc4WwAAajbD.jpg
If anything could soothe me after last night’s episode, it would be this.
Unfortunately nothing can soothe me after last night’s episode.
I don’t know why the show is struggling it’s super relatable who among us hasn’t been stoned off their nut in a 15th century Florentine palace?
Relationship goals. Every word of this.
If Will Graham was your boyfriend, you’d have to stop binge-watching SVU, not because he’d find it traumatic, but because he would relentlessly criticize the forensic and interrogation techniques.
If Will Graham was your boyfriend, you’d secretly enjoy watching him unleash the snark on unsuspecting schmoozers at boring parties.
If Will Graham was your boyfriend, you’d never have to struggle through explanations of why you don’t get along with your charming narcissistic parent. He would have seen it all, the first time they shook hands.
Oh man, coming across this after the season 3 finale…
Undertones?
by the end of the series it was text, not subtext