Previous Loco Parentis columns can be found here.
Before I had my son, I was never very good with kids. They’re like these weird, short people who don’t make any sense, don’t follow social cues, and are somehow always sticky. They’re unpredictable. Sometimes they scream and hide if you make eye contact with them and sometimes they want to sit on your lap before they even know your name.
This is all to say, I’m not one of those “born-to-be-a-mom” people. I’m more of a “learning-on-the-job” mom. And learn on the job I have. My son is two and a half and I am now, officially, awesome with kids. So I wanted to pass on some simple advice for the kid-clueless or kid-averse. Here’s my short list of tips for dealing with kids when you’re not a kid person.
- Watch the parents. When in doubt, look to the parents for clues about how to interact with their kids. They spend the most time with them, so they know what they respond to. If they’re letting him do a lot of stuff on his own, you’ll get a better reaction if you sit back a bit. If they’re more in his face, helping him and interacting, then you can do that, too, if it appeals. In any case, the kid will probably react better if you style your interactions after those of the parents.
- Distract them. The average kid has the attention span of a goldfish. This is annoying, but can also be an advantage. If a kid is doing something you don’t like (i.e., trying to feed you peanut-butter crackers with biohazard hands) or saying something you don’t understand in unintelligible kid-English, you can change what’s happening by asking them about colors or chickens or, really, anything at all.
- Talk to them like they aren’t kids. If you’re not sure how to talk to kids, just pretend they’re grown-ups. No need to force out awkward baby talk, a kid is happy with a simple “I have a dog at home, too. He’s a collie mix,” or even just a “Cool story, bro.” You don’t need to dumb it down if it makes you uncomfortable.
- Or, just ignore them! If you’d prefer not to engage at all after “hello,” it’s really okay to just ignore them. Before I had a kid, I would have never done this. It would have felt totally rude and terrible and even if the kid wouldn’t be offended, I would have assumed the parents would be. But now that I’m a mom, I sometimes wish people would spend more time ignoring my kid. There’s nothing more frustrating than the person I’m talking to having to restart their sentence fifty times because they feel obligated to say, “Yes, your shorts are red,” to my toddler over and over again. And it’s totally unnecessary. Turns out little kids have their own lives and their parents know that. Tune them out and they’ll find something else to do.
However you choose to interact with these mysterious creatures, the important thing to remember is that the stakes are probably a lot lower than you think they are. So relax, be yourself, and enjoy the weirdness coming your way!
One of life’s greatest mysteries to a non-parent is the perpetual stickiness of every child, ever.
Honestly, HOW does this even happen.
It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries as a parent, too.
I’m not sure about other kids, but I regularly dip my son in organic, toxin-free glue so that he will not catch any vaccines.
Once I babysat for a kid who wasn’t sticky, she was OILY. Like, greasy crap all over her hands 24 hours a day. I had no idea why until one night when her mom ordered pizza for us and I witnessed her eating it…. At what age do people start voluntarily using napkins, I wonder?
I’m a very clean person, but I was still cleaning jelly off chairs after mine went of to college. By then it’s just endearing: “Oh look, 15 year old jelly, on the bottom of this kitchen chair, awww.”
I have a small infant person in my house and she somehow develops finger lint–like toe lint but in between her fingers. I do not know how this happens. It’s like a tiny vortex of chaos magic surrounds children at all times.
Thank you. I don’t hang out with a lot of kids, but I know that one day, I will have nieces and/or nephews and since I want to stay in my sisters’ lives, I know I’ll have to learn. It is daunting. Mostly it seems like interacting with kids is a lot of responsibility, which I am underprepared for, but also I resent how I feel like I’m expected to act around children, that because I’m a woman I’ll be naturally good with them or hypnotized by them and fawn all over them. It’s just stressful. So, hearing that the stakes are probably a lot lower than I think is helpful. Yes, I am probably overthinking/overestimating my importance.
I know that feeling! I have no kids (and don’t want any), I’m not interested in children and I’m not very good at interacting with them. In the past few years my sisters started breeding like crazy and now I have a whole mess of nieces and nephews. All of the tips mentioned here are good ones. I feel like it is a little easier with children I’m related to, rather than the children of friends and acquaintances. I regularly bribe them with stickers and chocolate. So far it’s working and they all like me well enough.
I know the feeling, as a woman who neither has nor wants kids. I do have a niece and nephew, though, and I can definitely say that the stakes for interacting with them aren’t nearly as high as you think. These tips are spot on, but I really do think talking to them like they aren’t kids is the best one. The older they get, the more they appreciate that you aren’t trying to bullshit them.
Kids just want to know that somebody takes them seriously, I think.
I love the low stakes line. Before I had kids, I had some delusion that kids’ reaction to you is, like, an honest reflection of your character and they’re seeing into your soooul or something, and I’d get overly anxious about interactions. Now it’s like, “Oh, hello my darling 2-year-old, you hate me more than anything right now because I gave you milk in the Dr. Brown bottle instead of the Aventi bottle? That’s fine, just let me know when you want to do something besides scream at my face.” So I certainly take other people’s kids’ opinions of me in stride.
“Before I had kids, I had some delusion that kids’ reaction to you is, like, an honest reflection of your character and they’re seeing into your soooul or something, and I’d get overly anxious about interactions.”
Ditto, and now I have a toddler who will side-eye her own grandmother to dirt but fall in blissful love with any sketchy dude at the public library. They’re a lot like cats and can sense who wants their approval.
OH MY GOD. I take things they say about me way too close to heart, you know, from the mouths of babes kind of thing. I’ve been haunted by a little girl who thought I looked like a man when I was really self-conscious about this as a teen 😐
I always share my One Crazy Person in the Room Theory. I don’t know who coined the term first, but it was an observation in a psychiatric ward that when a patient had a meltdown, the other residents settled down to either watch, or at least give the meltdown some space. A similar phenomenon can be witnessed in daycare centers; i.e., generally speaking one freakout at a time.
The first time my toddler had a public tantrum – she wanted me to buy something and I’d said no (a classic Tantrum Trigger BTW) – I decided that if anyone was going to be acting up it was going to be me: I threw myself on the ground and wahhhhed and kicked my feet in the air like a brat. She stopped short, looked at me like, DAMN, MOM! and stopped crying. It was her first and last public tantrum, and I’m just glad I was wearing pants that day. It was 20 years ago (and she turned out fine).
Then again, that was my own kid – I don’t recommend doing that to a stranger’s kid. Still, you can use the Theory to your advantage, to help an exhausted parent out someday. It’s similar to advice #2 (Distract them), just with a little more crazy.
I often make fish faces at crying children. They immediately forget that they’re Incredibly Upset, in favor of staring blankly at the strange lady making faces at them.
When I had Bell’s Palsy, I was the best child distractor in the world.
I worked in daycare for several years in high school/college, and possibly my favorite story of my entire time there was because of this one kid. Normally a good kid, but had juuuuuuust crossed over from “baby who needs morning and afternoon naps” to “small non-infant child that is really over the concept of naps,” and somehow took it into his tiny brain to just stand up in his crib and start yelping (that is the only explanation of the noise I can muster) intermittently for the entire 60-minute nap period. It would keep the other kids up, or wake them up, so we had a LOT of cranky kids. And adults, who just wanted to use nap time to sanitize the toys and maybe read a little of their books.
So about two or three days into this nonsense, he started yelping again, and I had had enough, so I swiveled around in my chair and yelped just as loud right in his face. He startled, sat down, and never yelped again. Oh man I was proud of myself.
Not a parent, but as someone who is frequently thrown in with kids, this is a great strategy – throwing their annoying behavior back at them. Kid’s whining? Whine back. It’ll either make them laugh back into a good mood or they’ll be so thrown they’ll quit it. Not a guarantee for success, but it helps more often than not.
Or, just ignore them!
Oh, is this OK? I mildly dread interacting with other people’s kids because I always seem to get sucked into endless play sessions. I agree that “I have to talk to your mommy now” + turning away usually works on the kid, but it’s great to hear that it probably won’t offend the parent. I’m always a little nervous about that.
In my experience, as long as you’re not cold about it it’s fine. Like, if one of them runs up to you and starts yammering, pat them on the head/ruffle their hair, maybe make brief eye contact and smile, but keep talking in a normal patter to the parent. If you start to come off as patronizing or whatever, that’s where it starts to go south. But children are just weird mini-adults, so treat them like the sweet little weirdos they are, and their parents (who know better than anyone how weird their kids are) will probably be fine.
Yes, but how do you deal with the parent who won’t ignore their own child long enough to hold a brief conversation? (Why yes, I AM thinking of somebody in particular right now!) And I’m not talking about an infant with legitimate needs. I’m talking about a 4-5 year old who can’t deal with not being the center of attention for five minutes, and her mother is 100% enabling this. What then??
“Hmmm, looks like you’re busy with Junior. Is there another time we can [hang out/discuss ______]?”
BUT THERE’S NEVER ANOTHER TIME (hardcore comisserating, katni!)
Even worse is when they do it when you’re on the phone, so you’re just sitting there like a moron while they continually negotiate with their kid. I just want to hang up on them. My own parents would not tolerate that. It would be “I’m on the phone” and she’d keep talking. We were taught very early that you don’t interrupt adults talking. If there’s something important, you come up and say “Excuse me” and wait for acknowledgement. My parents were very big on children fitting into the adult world not the adult world fitting itself around the child’s world.
Thank you a million times for the permission to say “cool story bro” to a child. I think that’s hilarious and awesome and I can’t wait to try it!!
I say this to my neighbor’s kids (well, similar phrasing, at any rate), and both parents and children still adore me.
Just had a 12-year-old tell me a story that ended, “And I was like, WHOA, BRO.” It was awesome.
There’s a small gaggle of neighborhood kids who love to come by and pat my roommates dog. They haven’t yet caught on that I don’t understand their kid-french, I just nod and say “ah, oui?” whenever it seems appropriate. I think it’s the quebecois version of “cool story, bro”.
My number one thing I wish non-kid-people would get is that if I’ve said “don’t do x” to the kid, never never never say “oh, it’s ok!” or “I don’t mind!” If I am trying to parent you just hush up and let me and if necessary back me up. This happens most often with interrupting conversations. And by all means ignore the hell out of him. And the dog. I love when people ignore my creatures. It means for once a visit doesn’t have to center around the small, sticky, messy, loud, needy things.
I’ve been defusing tantrums lately by saying that the thing causing the tantrum is not gonna change (usually “you misbehaved terribly just before getting a thing, you are now not getting that thing”) so by all means cry it out. Last time he lasted 5 seconds before he realised fruitless bawling was not how he wanted to spend the rest of his evening. It doesn’t always ‘work’ in that sometimes the tantrum is just going to continue until he’s burnt out, but 99/100 times he knows it is going to make zero difference in the situation, and he may as well do something else fun.
I finally started saying, “I appreciate you putting us at ease, but it is important to me that Kid learn not to do X.” Usually the “it’s okay” is coming from a really good place, and I find if you honor that while trying to stay firm with your kid it helps everyone a lot.
Oops, good to know! I sort of assumed the parents in that situation tell the kid not to do X because they think I am offended/angry about X, and possibly they are worried I will yell at their kid so they need to chastise the kid before I do. I feel like I need to assure the parent that I am a benevolent entity. But I see from your comment that it is not actually about being afraid of me but about socializing the child! Which makes a lot of sense.
If you do want to interact, however briefly, try to get to the kid’s eye level. With toddlers, take a knee or squat. When sitting, bend to move your head closer to theirs. The kid may prefer not to interact at all, but if there is to be any true connection, this is how it will happen.
We forget how giant grownups seem to kids. Just think about how small your childhood home/neighborhood/school seemed when you revisted as an adult.
I start out talking to children like grown-ups (except newborns get the baby talk, idgaf) and then it quickly devolves into outrageous lies.
“Why isn’t the car radio on, Auntie?”
“Dude, the last time I turned that on I started heading alien transmissions from Mars, DO NOT touch that dial.”
I prefer when kids like me but don’t LOVE me, so it’s been working out great.
Well, if you KEEP telling them awesome lies, they might end up just loving you anyway as the cool adult with the great stories.
My favorite uncle once spent a solid year repeatedly telling me that he had grown up in a giant hamster cage. It even evolved into all kinds of side stories like “When I Was Your Age We Didn’t Have Treadmills, Just Hamster Wheels” and “The Best Time My Sister Trapped Me In a Hamster Ball and Rolled Me Down The Stairs.”
My father liked to teach us about livestock (Steel Wool Sheep) and wildlife (The Great Northern Venomous Duck.)
wow, I may steal this, thanks!
I’m very good at talking to kids like a weird adult (I’m kind of like Daria in that episode in which she and Jane Lane babysit).
I always ignore children who talk to me first. I don’t want to encourage them to talk to strangers. Even if she’s cute, the toddler who catches my eye and yells, “HI!” from across the restaurant isn’t getting my attention. I could be a baby snatcher.
Another good rule is don’t let parents make their kids hug you. When the kid seems hesitant and the parent is politely forcing the kid to hug me so my feelings aren’t hurt, I always make a point to say it’s the kid’s choice. We don’t force affection on other adults. Ew.
Oh, man, that last one! I am a parent myself, and I take very seriously the whole no forced affection thing. I had some parents recently verbally push their kids for 5 literal minutes to give me a thank you hug goodbye. It was awful. I really try to respect other parenting styles, so after I said, “I don’t need a hug!” and they kept pushing, I just awkwardly waited to see if they’d drop it. Then I offered a high five, but the kids weren’t going for it. So finally I had to say that I wasn’t comfortable getting a forced hug and they left. It was SO AWKWARD though. Ugh.
I hope you reconsider your position on talking to children who are in the presence of their parents when they speak to you first. It’s good to allow children, even at a young age, to talk to strangers. That way if something happens where the child is lost or in trouble, they feel confident enough to approach someone that could help them. Most kids are kidnapped by adults they know, not strangers*. Children should be taught that although it is okay to talk to strangers when a parent is present, they should not go with them.
*Every day in this country about 2,000 children are reported missing. That means close to 800,000 kids are reported missing every year, but only 115 kids a year are victims of what is viewed as classic stranger abductions.
Wow. This is the most excellent and useful comment ever. (Storing those numbers in my noggin for future reference.)
Yes, I’ve seen the Amber alerts for a kid who was obviously “abducted” by the non-custodial parent. Not that that makes it okay, but they ought not call it abduction.
Most “abductions” are by relatives. Most of the rest involve a teenage girl being held by a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend.
What it comes down to is that a kid’s chances of being kidnapped by a stranger are about the same as their chances of being struck by lightning. It’s a good idea to take basic common-sense precautions against both, but there’s no point in getting paranoid about either.
Betsy, that’s a really good point. I guess I’ve seen so many shows about missing children on TV, and the person who abducted the kid was a weird stranger. Shame on me for letting media hype distort my perspective. I still don’t think I will respond to kids who yell at me from across a restaurant, though, to discourage unfavorable behavior. If they’re close, saying hi is good. What is a good next step, though? In my head, it’s always “What’s you’re name?” and then parents freak out like I AM the kidnapper.
Just small talk stuff? “How are you?” “That’s a cute outfit you’ve got on!” If they’ve got a toy ask about that. Kids eat questions and comment up. Even if they don’t answer you, they are still learning from you.
ooh the other day on the metro I was sort of glancing at this cute toddler, and her mom decided that she needed to make eye contact with me. in the midst of the girl trying not to make eye contact with me, mom is explaining how she’s shy and hates making eye contact. like, no, it’s okay! learning how to make eye contact when the occasion calls for it may be a useful skill, but if your daughter doesn’t wanna look me in the eye that’s fine! I don’t wanna look her in the eye either! I just kept saying “oh no it’s fine, she doesn’t have to, you don’t have to, I was very shy at your age!” and she just kept insisting. It was very awkward.
When we’re saying goodbye to family/friends/misc. loved ones, I (gently) encourage the 8-year-old to give out “Hugs, Handshakes, or High-fives” to everyone. I do NOT want him hugging people he doesn’t feel comfortable hugging, and I want him to know that it’s perfectly normal for different relationships to have different levels of physical contact/affection (and I want the adults involved to know that, too!).
I am also a person who ended up parenting despite that being something I had never wanted, and I agree with everything and those are tactics that work across a pretty wide age range. (At least until 5. I have this whole queer parenting community but the oldest kids I’m familiar with are 5.) My 2.75 year old just entered the “why” phase… Sample conversation:
“C’mon honey, we have to go home.”
“Why?”
“Because preschool is going to close.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s getting late.”
“Why?”
“Because time keeps on slipping slipping slipping, into the future…” *keeps singing Steve Miller while getting kid’s outside clothes on and he looks at me like I’m nuts but complies and doesn’t ask “why” anymore.*
Mine's 6 and her hair is always full of lint. I don't know how, but every morning I brush it and then I need to lint-roll my entire front.
I taught kids swim lessons in high school. I swear to god some people would oil up their babies before getting them in the pool. You *have* lived before you've been 16 and tried to keep oily 3-year olds from slipping away as you help them hold barbells and kick across a small pool for 45 minutes at a time.
I do this! I prefer kids to have that exact impression of me too! Although, recently I accidentally taught my boyfriend's boss' son to launch his little stuffed animal across the room with a spoon and everyone at the boring dinner party was mildly annoyed, which was really funny for me, at least.
My son has (I guess) been crawling around for several days with both ears crusted with chicken stew. I do know how this happened; I just didn't know to check for it.
@RoseCamelia
I work with kids and always do this (I am also a very tall lady so). Sometimes the kids get confused and try to kneel along with me it's cute 🙂