Aubrey Hirsch’s previous Loco Parentis columns for The Butter can be found here.
Did anyone else’s Facebook feed get completely overrun by this terrifying video of one man’s social experiment on children and strangers? Mine did, and I spent a solid hour being completely horrified by it.
In the video, a man with a puppy asks mothers at the park if they talk to their kids about strangers. The parents all say yes, and he asks for permission to test how well that message has stuck. Once he gets permission, he approaches the child, introduces his puppy, and tells the kid he has more puppies if the kid would like to see them. Then, in every clip, the man and the kid walk off hand in hand toward CERTAIN MOLESTATION AND THEN SLOW, TORTUROUS DEATH (presumably). There’s also a closing shot in each instance of the shocked mother, alone on the bench, her hand covering her mouth, watching her kid walk away with this stranger.
I swear, my heart was pounding so hard it was shaking my sofa. What’s horrifying about this video is not only the ease with which this guy lures the children away, but the speed. We see him do this four times, and it never takes longer than 20 seconds for him to convince the child to come with him. 20 seconds!!!
I think of myself as a pretty responsible parent, but when my kid’s playing at the park, I am often chatting with other parents or answering emails on my phone. I can guarantee I’ve looked away from my happily playing child for intervals much longer than 20 seconds. Some guy with a cute puppy could have kidnapped him a hundred times over by now! I’m practically begging for someone to come and kidnap my kid!
For me, the saddest moment in this YouTube clip of terror comes right at the end, when one disappointed mother explains to her son why he made a bad choice going with the man. She says, “You don’t know him…you know what’s going to happen? You know what could happen? He could take you and then you won’t be with Mommy anymore. Would you want that? Do you love your family?” The kid, obviously scared and ashamed, clings to his mother, buries his face in her neck. He was having such a nice day, playing at the park with his mom, and now he’s feeling afraid of all the adults around him, sad for letting down his mother, and guilty for not properly demonstrating love for his family. That sucks.
I don’t blame the mother; it was a horrifying experience just watching this video, knowing my son was safely in my sightline. I can’t imagine how she must have felt watching her kid walk off with a random guy in a hoodie. But still…I wonder if putting those feelings on her son was necessary. How much sadness should we be willing to create in our children in order to protect them?
At the end of the video, the “stranger” tells us that “over 700 children are abducted a day…over a quarter-million a year.” This, too, is terrifying. So terrifying that I simply had to verify it. To put your mind at ease a bit, this number is only technically correct if you count abductions by family members and acquaintances (by far the most common types). The number for stranger abductions, however, is much, much lower. In 1999 (the most recent year for which data is available), the number was 115 children that year, and they were mostly teenagers (i.e., not lured from the playground by cute puppies).
Compare this to the over 4,000 children who die of accidental injuries each year, about half of those in car accidents. That’s 17 times as many kids dying in car accidents than kidnapped by strangers, but I strap my son into his car seat like five times a day and I rarely give it a second thought. Why? Because he really likes going to his gymnastics class, and joining me for trips to the grocery store. And because I need to take him to daycare so I can get my work done. I am willing to take all kinds of reasonable risks because, in the end, they net me and my son greater happiness than we’d have if we never risked anything at all.
I think it’s important to talk to kids about strangers in age-appropriate ways. But I don’t want to fill my son with fear or shame because there’s an infinitesimally small risk that the guy at the park with the cute puppy is a kidnapper. For now, I want him to engage with the world around him, even if that includes new people and new puppies. He’s still too young to dream up nightmare scenarios of being taken away from his mother, his family. I’d like to keep him that way just a little bit longer, even if that means taking a risk.
Tags: aubrey hirsch, loco parentis, the butter
THANK you.
As the child of a hyper-protective dad, I can relate. He always made us kids watch America’s Most Wanted and instructed us every Saturday on how to watch out for dirtbags. And then we’d watch Cops and dance around to the “Bad Boys” theme.
oh yeah, those were always on at my house too. I was strongly cautioned against people with tattoos, since those were kind of a common denominator among Cops suspects.
Also: the bad guy is the one who’s not wearing a shirt, every time.
I’ve been loving this series, thanks so much
So glad to hear it. Thanks!
Seconded! I don’t even have kids and I’m riveted by everything Aubrey writes!
thanks for the reality check with a good dose of empathy; I feel like it’s super easy to say “this is extremely unlikely to happen and we as a society have really exaggerated fears” without acknowledging that an exaggerated socially constructed fear is still fucking terrifying.
I wonder how many of the kids in that video “knew” they were safe with the puppy guy because Mom (and probably some of Mom’s friends) was right there within seeing/hearing distance.
I obviously can’t say what I would have done when I was 5, but I’m pretty sure I would have had a hard time reconciling “Mom and Dad told me not to go with strangers” with “I am supposed to do what adults tell me to do/I don’t want to be rude” at that age.
Good point! I had to sit through a seminar on child safety recently, and the lecturer pointed out that the way parents teach kids “stranger danger” is kind of flawed. The child is likely imagining a boogieman, but the man with the puppy is not a stranger! He’s nice! He says, “Hi, I’m Tom” (or whatever) and suddenly – that’s Tom! I know Tom! Tom is showing me his puppies! <- that’s little kid logic.
So he did point out that parents should be teaching their kids to understand when grownups are doing things that are not okay. Things that are not okay include:
-Asking children for help. It is not normal for grownups to come to kids for help, ever. This is 100% a red flag.
-Approaching children who are by themselves
-Offering children gifts when the parents are not around;
and teaching them that any time this happens, they don’t have to be nice, they can yell “I don’t know you”(this distinguishes their actions from just a kid having a tantrum) and they should run toward a crowd.
I don’t have kids, but to me, this makes a lot of sense.
On a side note, it was so weird that all of these tips he had to teaching little kids how to keep themselves safe could also be applied to girls/young women 🙁
Oh that’s good advice. I think you’re right, “Don’t talk to strangers” fails to take into account how kids will interpret “stranger” and how quickly kids (heck, all of us) will bend rules and definitions to get what they want (puppies!)
Yes! I remember as an older teen catching myself having a random conversation with a grown man and in the back of my mind going, “Spaghettius, this *is* the stranger your mom warned you about.” (again, these are also good tips for young women: a full grown man should not approach a teenage girl.)
“they can yell ‘I don’t know you'”
(in Bobby Hill voice) THAT’S MY PURSE!
Why not just “talk to people all you want, but don’t go with them”? I don’t think it’s always inherently weird to ask a kid for directions (a kind of help), talking to a kid who’s not accompanied by a friend or adult (maybe you want to check if they’re lost?), or offering them a piece of candy or something. “Get in my car and show me my way home” is a red flag, obviously, as is “I’ll buy you a Playstation but don’t tell anyone”, but I think it may be a little too harsh to scare kids when someone gives them something, asks them something or talks to them when they’re not with a parent.
I think this depends on the kid’s age and capacity to understand. Little kids like the ones in the video the author is talking about absolutely can’t give adults directions to the interstate. With them it’s pretty black and white; with older kids it can be an ongoing conversation. And of course all kids should know what to do if they get lost, too.
But I’m also personally from a culture where adults do interact naturally with kids who are not theirs, and doting on random(ish) children by offering them treats is pretty normal. So there’s a lot to be sensitive to when teaching kids how to be safe, but my point was just that it was really eye-opening to hear the lecturer point out that the way parents talk to kids about “strangers” is not processed the way it was intended.
Oh, absolutely. It’s hard to come up with a good rule that kids can understand. I vaguely remember trying to understand what “people you don’t know” means. People I don’t know the name of? People my parents know, but I don’t? Neighbours or school staff I recognise but haven’t talked to before? The new pediatrician? When do they stop being strangers?
I’m also not from the US, so I’m having a really weird dissonance, because I was pretty helicoptered in my culture but was really free compared to helicoptered American kids. Culture! I remember being on a city train when I was a very androgynous, i.e. young-looking, 18-year-old, and an older man with a heavy accent (relevant) sat down next to me and kindly offered me candy.
Thought process:
1. Don’t take candy from strangers!
2. Wait, I’m actually an adult, so this isn’t dangerous to me at all.
3. I don’t look like an adult though, I think he believes I’m a twelve year old boy.
4. But he might be from somewhere where it’s actually normal to talk to people on the train and share treats if you have them.
5. I’m literally being offered candy by a stranger who thinks I’m a kid and it’s nowhere near as terrifying as it was supposed to be. I’m actually not in any danger at all?
6. Okay, I said no thanks and it worked. Wow. I just fended off a stranger with candy.
7. It’s sad. It’s actually sad that I’ve been taught to never do anything or talk to people. I could have been eating candy right now.
8. Am I safer now? Am I in danger? Even if he is a pedophile, he’s not dangerous to me since he can’t lure me, I’m not going anywhere. Talking to strangers… isn’t dangerous??
8. WORLD VIEW: RESET BUTTON PRESSED
As a kid and younger teen I already had many doubts, like how the internet didn’t seem to me to actually be dangerous, because even dangerous people can’t get out of your computer screen. Overall, I feel like my generation was warned about fake danger or rare dangers too much, and warned too little about real and common dangers. What’s so great about being scared of everything? Sure, maybe you’re safer from the extremely low number of dedicated kidnappers – but you’re now exposing yourself to the quite large risk of developing anxiety disorders. Anxiety disorders: literally orders of magnitude more likely than kidnappings, potentially just as life-destroying!
I was walking the office dogs once, when we met a 5-year old out with his dad. He asked if he could pet the dogs, and while petting them, told me his name, his age, his dog’s name and age, where his family lived, how to get to their house, and all about the park where they like to take their dog, all without pausing for breath for any length of time. Small children don’t really grok “stranger” or “overshare.”
Absolutely. When I have kids, I hope to raise them to be little pains-in-the-ass who question EVERYTHING they’re told. I went to Catholic school and was taught to keep my mouth shut. I sometimes feel like I still struggle with that mindset.
I think this is related to the conversation I’ve seen floating around (and of course can’t find now) about expanding the definition of consent. Don’t make your kid hug grandma; don’t coerce anyone onto the dance floor; don’t bribe people* to try it, you’ll like it.
* I’m childfree so not sure what you’re supposed to do about super picky kids who won’t eat
Let me leap in with my own kidlike overshare, because I suspect from your comments you might find it interesting: As a non-parent myself, extreme picky eating in kids is FASCINATING. If you Google “The Feeding Doctor” and read her blog, there’s all kinds of interesting stuff about adults learning to process how our assumptions about food make ZERO sense to children, and we brand as “picky” the kids who don’t immediately lose their inherent hunger-appetite signals and adapt to assumptions and categories that often make very little objective sense.
That does sound interesting! Thank you!
Lenore Skenazy has been documenting the delta between parental terror and statistical danger for years now, and working with terrified parents to give their kids some independence and breathing room: http://www.freerangekids.com/
Lenore Skenazy is AMAZING.
Lenore had a lot of choice words for this video, too. She’s still posting about it, she’s so incensed by how terrible it is.
I personally though the video looked totally staged, including the kid’s reactions. But yeah, it pissed me off no end for being the kind of Daily Mail/National Enquirer fear mongering for publicity that I hate. We need to have more videos about how children are molested by family members and family friends because their parents ignore warning signs. Everyone is worried about child predators but no one wants to think that they might be friends with or related to one.
Very well-said! We hardly ever hear the truth behind abduction statistics, so I thank you for sharing them. Anything that helps parents to feel less panicky (and less guilty) is awesome in my opinion.
My kid is too little to walk off with a stranger, but the start of my video would go like this. I’m sitting on the park bench, and some man comes towards me, “Hi, I’m Joey French Fries, and…” “No thank you.”
“I’m doing a social experiment and–” “I am not interested.”
“But your child–” “Keep it moving.”
Omg that is exactly what I was thinking.
Like, I don’t give the time of day to clipboards who try and hyperactively charm me into giving their charity money by aggressively pointing out that I’m wearing yellow that day, and I certainly wouldn’t give more than one-word shut-down answers to anyone trying to ask me how I raised and talked to my (nonexistent) kids.
Approaching people in public: UGH.
When I was maybe four years old, my mom took me to the local university to participate in a study. I was taken to a room with a two-way mirror in it. I knew that my mom was right outside, watching me, and that I was safe. The study involved me playing on the floor with toys while a man in a chair (grad student?) offered me candy. I knew I was supposed to say no. But he was super-annoying and persistent, and finally, just to get him to shut up, I took one yellow M&M. To this day, a yellow M&M is a fraught thing in my family. My mom believes that had this incident taken place in the real world, I could have been kidnapped. But I swear I knew what was happening.
Lenore had a lot of choice words for this video, too. She's still posting about it, she's so incensed by how terrible it is.
We had a safe word in my family.
When we went on a long caravan trip and the possibility of getting separated in a strange place was higher than normal, Mum told us that if she ever sent anyone to pick us up or call for us, they’d know the safe word and we’d have to ask them.
I was never sure if I’d have the moxie to ask a strange person who was Trying to Help Me what the word was.
This is why child safety alarms were invented. If kiddo gets too far away, the alarm goes off and attracts the attention of every adult in the area.
I understand that people often need simplifications, but ‘stranger danger’ has screwed up an entire generation, by telling kids to be afraid of the big scary stranger, they were also taught not to be scared of anyone else and never, ever, question an adult. So when creepy uncle Phil, or the local Priest (I’m Irish) aproached them and did things the child was probably not comforable with, the child was thinking ‘no this can’t be bad, because mummy knows him, and he’s not a stranger, so I have to behave’ etc.
Teach kids to make their own choices, and make sure they trust you as an authority figure that they can turn to for help. So if a stranger asks them to get in the car, hopefully they will say ‘I need to check with mummy’ or just a plain ‘No I don’t want to’
As someone said above, don’t force your kids to hug people, or let people touch/hold them without asking or introducing themselves properly. When my brother started having kids, my mother insisted that when new people come into the house, they must hug my brother/his girlfriend (aka Daddy and Mummy) in front of the baby/child, its habit to us now (and I HATE hugging.), and it makes a huge difference to how much the kids are willing to interact with you, they’re not stupid. My nephew, now 2 1/2, is a suspicious little mo-fo, he will throw all kinds of shade at you if he doesn’t like you or trust you, but if his Dad starts hugging you, he’s all friendly (Provided you don’t piss him off again, I gave him a fizzy drink ONE TIME without warning him, I swear he still doesn’t trust me to give him drinks)
I understand that people often need simplifications, but 'stranger danger' has screwed up an entire generation, by telling kids to be afraid of the big scary stranger, they were also taught not to be scared of anyone else and never, ever, question an adult. So when creepy uncle Phil, or the local Priest (I'm Irish) aproached them and did things the child was probably not comforable with, the child was thinking 'no this can't be bad, because mummy knows him, and he's not a stranger, so I have to behave' etc.
Teach kids to make their own choices, and make sure they trust you as an authority figure that they can turn to for help. So if a stranger asks them to get in the car, hopefully they will say 'I need to check with mummy' or just a plain 'No I don't want to'
As someone said above, don't force your kids to hug people, or let people touch/hold them without asking or introducing themselves properly. When my brother started having kids, my mother insisted that when new people come into the house, they must hug my brother/his girlfriend (aka Daddy and Mummy) in front of the baby/child, its habit to us now (and I HATE hugging.), and it makes a huge difference to how much the kids are willing to interact with you, they're not stupid. My nephew, now 2 1/2, is a suspicious little mo-fo, he will throw all kinds of shade at you if he doesn't like you or trust you, but if his Dad starts hugging you, he's all friendly (Provided you don't piss him off again, I gave him a fizzy drink ONE TIME without warning him, I swear he still doesn't trust me to give him drinks)
I wondered about this, too!
'Well, Mom thought they were okay, so they must be okay!'