Rejected Wedding Hashtags for Famous Couples

by Caitlin Keefe Moran · October 19, 2015

Caitlin Keefe Moran’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

 

Virgin Mary and Joseph

#BabyBumpBride

#NoGroomAtTheInn

 

Hester Prynne and Arthur Dimmesdale

#HePoppedTheQSheGotAnA

 

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen

#CulledByTheCullens

#ItsNotStockholmSyndromeISwear

 

Macbeth and Lady Macbeth

#SomethingWeddedThisWayComes

#ThouCreamFacedGroom

 

Henry VIII and assorted

#HeadedForHenry

 

Ethan Frome and Mattie Silver

#AllWeddingNoSledding

 

Captain von Trapp and Maria

#Eidelwife

 

Belle and the Beast

#ItsNotStockholmSyndromeISwear

 

Adam and Eve

#AppleyEverAfter

#FromRibToRing

 

Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater

#RAndJTakeThePlunge

 

King Arthur and Queen Guinevere

#AGoodKnightForAWedding

#TyingTheKnotInCamelot

 

Princess Leia and Han Solo

#SoloNoMorelo

#IKnow

 

Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette

#WeddedAndBeheaded

#LetThemEatCake

 

Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy

#HereComesThePride

#NoLongerABennetThankGod

 

Bonnie and Clyde

#FromKillingSpreeToMatrimony

 

John Rolfe and Pocahontas

#HeAskForHerHandAndTookAllHerLand

#SomethingOldSomethingNewSomethingBorrowedSomethingInfectedWithSmallpox

 

Clytemnestra and Agamemnon

#FromGroomToTomb

#FromBrideToMariticide

 

Christine Daaé and the Phantom of the Opera

#ItsNotStockholmSyndromeISwear

 

Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester

#RochesterPartyOfThree

 

Mulder and Scully

#NoOneDownHereButTheFBIsMostWedded

 

The Little Mermaid and Prince Eric

#AllMyBridesmaidsAreMermaids

 

Romeo and Juliet

#TwoHouseholdsAlikeInDignityBecomeOne

 

Lucy Stone and Henry Browne Blackwell

#MsStaysMs

 

Othello and Desdemona

#SmotheredByLove

 

Clovis I and Clotilde

#CloTimesTwoSayIDo

 

Alexander Hamilton and Eliza Schuyler

#HeWillNeverBeSatisbride

Caitlin Keefe Moran lives and writes in New York City.


38 Comments

    1. typewriterandgramophone +14

      I was coming here to post that too, but with asterisks around “dies”

      Now do Nancy Grace tweeting about great literary crimes!

      “I want answers #piefullofprinces”

  2. popelizbet +76

    So many fictional couple weddings, in this list and not, covered by #ItsNotStockholmSyndromeISwear…

  3. grumblyqueer +103

    Beauty and the Beast
    #okayIgiveupitsfuckingstockholmsyndromebutdamnthatlibrarysworthit

    2. projectbeks +71

      I have been defending Belle’s decision on the basis of that library since that movie CAME OUT and will continue to do so until the day I croak. Been dyin’ on this hill since before some of y’all were born, I reckon.

    3. irishbreakfasttime +40

      When I imagine the Toast commune, I imagine it in the Beast’s library. I feel like Belle would open it up as a retreat for bookish women who want to sit by a fire, drink tea, and swap stories about charming Dads and terrible dudebros.

  4. Cappa +86

    Where’s Oedipus Rex? I feel like this was a missed opportunity.
    #MotherOfTheGroom
    #MamasBoy
    #WhatHeDoesntKnowMightKillHim

    3. Scribblegoat +4

      Def. ruins the song, though, which is a pity, because “badass protest song disguised as a silly song about a flower” is where I’m at, literarily.

  6. JGlows +25

    I am going to be That Person…

    Pocahontas didn’t marry John Smith. She married John Rolfe. Smallpox still happened tho.

    1. Hey_Cinderella +21

      I was just going to post this same thing–thanks 4th grade Virginia history! *Historically accurate high five!*

  7. RoseCamelia +25

    Captain von Trapp and Maria
    #RevMotherRejectsOrphanWithoutInheritanceSoSheMustMarryWealth
    #MarryingTheTutorIsCheaperThanPayingHerRight?

  9. Biological Clockie +64

    Henry VIII – #ItsANiceDayForaWifeBeheading

    Mulan & Li Shang – #SheMadeAManOutOfHim

  10. Zueignung +30

    Rochester and Bertha Mason:
    #LadyInTheStreetsMadwomanInThe(Attic)Sheets
    #YouSetMySoul(AndHouse)onFIre
    #TiedUpInMatrimony

  16. gavinbyrnes +14

    Tommen Baratheon and Margaery Tyrell:

    #ThriceWeddedNeverShy
    #SerPounceBounceBounceBounce

    Joffrey Baratheon and Margaery Tyrell:

    #HappielyEverAfter

    Edmure Tully and Roslin Frey:

    #BetterWedThanRed
    #TheBannsofCastamere
    #TyingTheFreyedKnot
    #JustARegularHappyNormalWeddingMayhaps
    #NiceDayForARedWedding (too obvious, but has to be included)

  17. gavinbyrnes +7

    Raskolnikov and Sonia:
    #LadyMarmeladov
    #SoIMarriedAnAxeMurderer

    Juno and Paulie Bleeker:
    #DidntKnowHeHadItInHim