Desserts I Have Been Horrified By On “The Great British Bake-Off”

by Mallory Ortberg · November 3, 2015
  • Just a bowl of jam with some bread crusts tossed in
  • Sponge cake (sponge flavored) with four raisins on it
  • Honestly I think just a grapefruit-flavored soup with pistachios and rose petals on top for some reason?
  • Cake with two colors but no flavors
  • A slice of white bread with a drizzle of simple syrup
  • Treacle and desperation tart
  • “Clearly defined layers”
  • Tray-sized jelly roll with one raspberry as garnish
  • War Rationing Plum Biscuit
  • Custard poured over any stale starch, rice or old potatoes or whatever
  • Buttercream On Fucking Everything
  • Sponge with raspberry
  • Sponge with custard
  • Sponge with custard and raspberry
  • Soda Bread For Some Reason
  • Jam sandwich with fondant
  • Bread crumbs and room-temperature clotted cream in an edible gold frame
  • It’s Shaped Like A Beehive
  • Nabisco wafers, unsweeted meringue, and a pound of sliced kiwi named after a ballerina
  • Roll with jam in
  • Roll with jam out
  • Yes Mistress
  • Sprinkles on a dough-knob
  • A bowl of Madeira with a date in it
  • Currant-biscuit mash with sponge and treacle
  • Frosting on some crackers, maybe in a bowl
  • Black Forest Lump
  • Apricot with a walnut in
  • Aniseed Tiffin
  • Yet Even More Raspberry Sponge
  • Marzipan whatsits
  • I Rolled Up A Cake, Paul
  • Cardamom Battenberg Handfuls

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


433 Comments

  1. bookwormV +66

    I fail to see anything wrong with sponge with raspberry. (I do, however, frequently spend episodes asking out loud, “Does this really taste good enough to be worth all of that effort?”) (No.)

    1. bookwormV +22

      Also, SCREW YOU, banoffee was invented in my home county of East Sussex and is a real thing. I have to stick up for it, even if it’s horrible.

          1. AlmondTort +33

            Delicious =/= good, I would argue. I mean, it is objectively kind of terrible, but also I long for it.

        2. bookwormV +11

          We made it in Food Technology class once, which I like to think was our teacher exhibiting local pride. (It involved heating up a tin of condensed milk to make toffee. So sickly.)

          1. octopoda +10

            Oh! My wife loves condensed milk toffee. They would make it all the time in Cuba. Dulce de leche is her favorite flavor (it’s a little too sweet for my taste usually).

            I do like banana flavored things too, so maybe I would like this dessert…

          1. AlmondTort +14

            It is not my home county, but I have really come to appreciate it in the last three years – the weird wonder of Brighton, the funny sad seaside towns, the mist on the downs, Worth Abbey, and FUCKING DELICIOUS BANOFEE PIE. WITH WHIPPY CREAM AND A CUP OF TEA.

      3. cleoreads +6

        Wow. I learn so much here. I’d never heard of banoffee pie until I recently read a British novel that mentioned it and I thought a) wtf Britsh desserts? and b) it combined bananas and coffee.

        And now I know it’s an East Sussex delicacy made of bananas and toffee. Who knew? Certainly not me.

        And I even spent 6 months at University of Sussex in 1990 – where I was introduced to exotic foods like creamed tea and snakebite and black (although it was appearently unladylike to drink them but I’m just a vulgar American).

    2. tragicallyludicrous +39

      My reaction to every technical challenge was “why the fuck would you do that? Seriously. Why?”

        1. knut_knut +16

          oh god, the tennis cake. It wasn’t the most disgusting thing on the show (I’m not a fan of giant pies filled with meat. It’s too much meat, TOO MUCH) but it was probably the biggest WHY.

          2. knut_knut +5

            I don’t have a problem with meat pies in general, I like small ones you can hold in your hand, but those were towers of meat

        2. aqueousmedium +21

          AND ALSO the Charlotte Royale, which looks like zombie princess brains. NOT APPETIZING.

        3. celery +10

          Less visually appalling, but I would like to nominate whatever that dessert was that was just raspberries and frosting stuck vertically between paper-thin sheets of pastry. What was the point? Why go through so much effort to create a tiny bit of pastry to stick between your raw raspberries and gobs of frosting?

  2. ClickityCat +9

    What about the desserts flavored/shaped like cocktails. Equal parts horrifying / intriguing?

    1. Es_Petal +10

      I am mostly teetotal but cocktails that taste like desserts are the one thing I will drink until I fall over.

    2. secondursula +5

      Do you remember the donut cocktail thing? I would love to be able to order that at a bar!

  3. muttershanks +29

    This is an affront to God and also Jesus but also true at the same time so I don’t know what to believe anymore.

  4. sueyres +121

    I feel like “Why Not Throw That Into a Trifle?” is a far too common response to any British dessert fare.

  6. lordpuddleglum +175

    I never know if the reason I haven’t heard of half the desserts on GBBO are because I’m a philistine who knows much less about baking than I formerly believed, or because they are forced to bake and eat weird and strange desserts as punishment for destroying the world through colonialism.

    1. lordpuddleglum +9

      Also, where do you all American toasties stream the earlier season from? My normal sites only have 5 and 6 and it’s breaaaking my heart. I need to see the weird pumpkin pie episode!

        1. lordpuddleglum +18

          Netflix has lied to you. It has season five, which it calls Season one of the Great British Baking Show. It makes no sense. But there are four previous season which I cannot find on the internet, and one post which you can find through various grey ways.

          3. elesmi +9

            I think that’s because season five was the first to show in the US on PBS? And they had to rename it because Bake-Off is inexplicably trademarked here.

    3. Either_Ada +87

      In actual season 1, someone bakes an oatmeal cookie and they were like OH MY, HOW EXOTIC! I sat there for five minutes trying to figure out if they were being dryly sarcastic, but I don’t think so?

    4. megalesias +5

      I encountered this problem trying to rewatch Series 3, and honestly I just googled it and picked the least-sketchy streaming option. It worked out okay?

    5. HyacinthGirl +5

      B, which is also why they have to flavor perfectly innocent puddings and cakes with ginger and cardamom.

  7. avidbiologist +71

    watching GBBO taught me that there are three rotating flavors in traditional British desserts: raspberry, lemon, and chocolate.

    that said I love trifle, team trifle forever

    1. Es_Petal +22

      I made pear and ginger trifles a couple of Christmases ago, they were FAB. Jamaica ginger cake for the base!

      1. avidbiologist +58

        I mean I consider chocolate to be the end game but why can’t we also have other flavors?

        also it was odd to me when contestants would be like “I want to be a little bit EXOTIC so this will be PASSIONFRUIT flavored”

        are there
        are there other fruits maybe

        1. grace_adieu +21

          I had no idea that passionfruit was so widely available in the UK before watching this show!

          1. houblonchouffe +31

            Being highly, highly allergic to passionfruit, eating dessert in the UK is sort of like tiptoeing around a very, very large pride of hungry and sleeping lions.

          2. bookwormV +3

            There is a passionfruit vine growing on the front of my parents’ house! The fruit it produces is not hugely edible, though.

      1. foxinthe_snow +19

        I’m sad that rhubarb and gooseberries aren’t more commonly used these days. Gooseberry fool is so goooood!

        1. lemonadefish +3

          I do like gooseberries! We had a bush growing up. I’ve never actually seen them available in any form anywhere else though.

        2. BrieCS +1

          I am so into gooseberry and rhubarb. My parents may still have a plot of rhubarb, but I never do anything with it. I miss gooseberries desperately!

        3. rodafowa +2

          I’m crazy about gooseberries. They’re a nightmare to get hold of, though. They seem to be available for like a three week period, during which time I’m forced to make ALL THE GOOSEBERRY PUREE IN THE WORLD to tide the family over during the rest of the long gooseberryless year.

    4. lilah80 +20

      You seem to have forgotten passion fruit and rosewater.

      “Why always passion fruit?” my friend asked me in bewilderment. “Maybe they just started importing it and it’s new and exciting?” I guessed.

      On the other hand, rosewater is not a food, the end. Rosewater is what certain kinds of grandmas smell like, and that’s where it should stay.

  8. sausagedog +175

    It’s Shaped Like A Nun

    All Twelve Types Of Meringue

    Paul And Mary, It’s A Curry, Not Molecular Gastronomy

  9. rachaar +18

    We honestly JUST caught our first-ever episode of GBBO last weekend so this is delightfully timely. Oh Toast, you know me so well.

  11. OpheliaInWaders +36

    I am just now watching this for the first time, and I am fully convinced that the only thing redeeming about British baking is lemon curd. Sponge + liquid = disgusting. (I have the palette of a 7 year old w/r/t dessert, and I just want boxed yellow cake with chocolate buttercream or plain ice cream that *isn’t touching any pastry*)

    2. thesarahgirl +22

      It makes me so mad when they make a perfectly good, simple dessert then DESTROY it by adding fruit, dried fruit, or nuts (or all of the above!!). The most I want is some finely-chopped nuts sprinkled on the top, mostly as decoration; anything else is horrible.

          2. jimmyjimjimjim +10

            I’m pretty sure I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find raisins in my carrot cake before. Also while not cake, cinnamon raisin bread french toast or bread pudding with raisins, both solid. Oatmeal raisin cookies, hold me back. Or in a baked oatmeal?

          3. jimmyjimjimjim +7

            I will also take all of the yogurt covered raisins, chocolate covered raisins, raisin bran, granola with raisins and trail mix while I’m at it.

          4. lemonadefish +8

            I’ve only ever been unpleasantly surprised to find raisins in things. I’m glad someone likes them though, and it’s not just sadistic bakers cracking about sneaking raisins into things…

          5. Genevieve

            I will enjoy them in cinnamon raisin bread and they’re okay in pumpkin bread and rice pudding. Beyond that, no raisins ever. Especially not in cookies or cakes.

          6. Genevieve

            Oh, actually, where I really like raisins is cooked with chicken and spices (a la Coronation Chicken salad, which I came to love in Marks & Spencer sandwiches when I lived in London for 5 months), or with sauteed spinach and chopped apples and/or nuts.

      3. Strophoria +11

        I get a staff meal at work and today was unpleasantly surprised by cinnamon-coated raisins in my damn SALAD. No! No to raisins!

    3. thebellewitch +15

      You’ve described me and my birthday cake tastes. Every year I’m just like, I don’t care about anything else, but someone make me a damn boxed yellow cake with white icing so I can go into a sugar coma as I so dearly desire.

      Last year, I didn’t even get a cake. My husband took me to some Swiss bakery. NOT THE SAME DUDE.

      1. OpheliaInWaders +7

        I will also happily eat ice cream cake (Carvel preferred), as long as it doesn’t have anything fussy going on, and is just vanilla, chocolate, crunchies, and icing.

      1. lemonadefish +3

        You can just put a spoonful on a graham cracker, pancake, frozen waffle, or other carb substrate for a very quick delicious experience, if you don’t care to actually Make a Dessert with it.

  12. sagerenee +43

    I have just gotten addicted to this thanks to netflix. Apparently Angel Food Cake is a thing no one in the UK has ever heard of?

      1. sagerenee +28

        Very light tall cake made with only the egg whites. Americans like to dump strawberries and CoolWhip (imitation horrible whipped cream) on top of it.

          3. Strophoria +23

            Frozen non-dairy cool whip is my default vegan ice cream, it’s THE BEST (and also kind of the worst)

          6. houblonchouffe +11

            I don’t know if this is still a Thing but there used to be a chocolate Cool Whip that, when frozen, was absurdly delicious. I used to just eat it with a spoon.

          7. DuckyOfRubber +4

            I haven’t seen it in a while, but Cool Whip used to make a frosting, you could buy it in the frozen section. I refused to look at the ingredient label because I didn’t actually want to know what the deliciousness I was eating was made of.

          9. HelloChel +2

            I haven’t see chocolate Cool Whip in a long time but sometimes I will have a tub of regular Cool Whip leftover after the holidays and I will freeze it and eat it like ice cream.

          12. Strophoria +7

            I actually really like it, but let’s just be real and call it “extremely thick smoothie”, because it is not ice cream!

        2. sarah_jay +19

          My family always had it with berries and real whipped cream (sometimes not from a can) and homemade chocolate sauce

        3. jimmyjimjimjim +12

          The Best Way to eat it is to bake in a loaf pan, slice it, toast it and smother it in lemon curd.

          1. betsymurgatroyd +8

            I’ve known certain people who would smush it down to a tiny piece and then stuff it in their mouth. At least one of those people has grown up and eats it like an adult.

        4. BrieCS +3

          Okay, like, coolwhip is made of terrible things, but I will ALWAYS love it. In part, nostagia. In other part, I love the swoopy feeling.

          1. secondursula +21

            I like angel food cake — with enough whip cream and strawberries that there isn’t really that much cake to be found, but that made me laugh super hard, because it’s totally fair.

          1. blueblazes11 +27

            The weird chewiness and slightly effervescent quality are major selling points, for sure.

        3. octopoda +9

          chiffon cake is much better (similar consistency but it uses the egg yolks too). Though i don’t personally mind angel food.

  13. Angelan_ +35

    what was the one called that just looked like a brain? A jelly coated, swiss-roll, pink cream containing brain. It was the series with the lass who kept putting woodland creatures on things.

      1. Angelan_ +11

        That was it! (I mean, I was horrified by it, but if you put a slice in front of me, I’d still eat it. I’m only human)

  14. chrystallrose +8

    My bf is obsessed with banoffee pie but I haven’t tried to make it yet because I’m terrified of the idea of boiling a can of condensed milk.

    2. sarah_jay +11

      you can cook the condensed milk in the oven in a pie tin out of the can (our it into the tin, cover with foil, bake, stir occasionally) to be safer. We boiled #10 cans of condensed milk into toffee sauce at a restaurant I worked at, and the prep cook tending to it forgot, and THREE burst all over the kitchen. Close to 30 pounds of hot toffee sauce all over the kitchen.

    4. dakimel +3

      where’s your recipe? Or anyones? We adore banoffee pie, and back when we were dating / living in the UK, we could get it everywhere. Last summer while visiting MIL we went on a banoffee pie mission, and not one damn place had it. Tiramisu out the wazoo, but no banoffee.

      I’ve decided it’s worth learning to make myself, but I haven’t gotten as far as actually trying. Anyone who’s had success, I’d like to hear about it!

      2. ballisticjaguar +1

        I have made this one several times and I love it. (actually, I made the one from the actual cookbook this is adapted from because I own that cookbook it is the best I love it)

        1. celery +50

          On several episodes, I’ve spent a good portion of the show going, “Okay, is that a phrase the hosts are using to be cutesy and humorous, or is that what British people actually call this food?”

        2. bookwormV +4

          Wait, is “pud” weird? My parents use it all the time to refer to pudding (BrE for dessert, so any post-meal sweet stuff).

          1. lemonadefish +21

            It is not something an American would ever say. Of course, we also only use pudding to mean custard without eggs, so we don’t say it as much either.

    3. OpheliaInWaders +46

      I thought they were saying “self-sourcing” for the LONGEST time, and was so confused as to how they were going to get the ingredients??

      1. grace_adieu +78

        I mean, a dessert that showed up of its own accord without my needing to do anything WOULD be pretty great.

  16. alula_auburn +44

    As far as I can tell, so much time is devoted to giving British food delightfully puzzling names that occasionally the contents get a bit short-shrifted.

    Also, that everything is pudding. (Not Everything Pudding, a la Betsy Tacy and Tib. Just the word pudding. Hee hee Snape said pudding. Etc.)

    eta: have finally gotten Netflix to work on the tv in my new apartment! Now I can watch this? I think?

    1. roisindubh211 +14

      not everything is pudding. If you buy pudding at the store, it gets labelled “dessert”. I don’t understand this place at all.

      1. alula_auburn +3

        Nooooo. . .my pudding illusion is no more! (Actually, I don’t think my brother and SIL say pudding, although they do mostly use other words I think of as Britishisms–nappies, cot, etc. SIL is Irish; since Niece the Elder was born they lived in The Hague and Cambridge with long stays in Ireland.)

        1. Buns +6

          There’s a strong class element to it, which gets a bit weird. “Pudding” is safe word choice that won’t get you judged: “dessert” sounds fancy because it’s a bit french, which is why shops use it but also why you’ll be judged by posher people if you use it for anything other than fruit (I think?). I recommend reading “Watching the English” by Kate Fox, for more detail. I recommend reading it anyway: it’s great.

  17. ann1011 +49

    “No, all British desserts are delicious,” she said, her mouth full of steamed treacle pudding and Victoria Sponge.

  18. LyetteM +32

    “A bowl of Madeira with a date in it”

    …I could go for that.

    (I love every episode involving bananas. That word is THE BEST said with a British accent. Buhnaaaaaaaaaanuh)

  19. PRockette +107

    That one contestant who makes everything aggressively non-flavoured like it’s still WWII rationing (I did love Norman as a person though, even if everything he made looked like it had as much flavour as cardboard.) That other contestant who combined flavours that should never be in desserts (Iain, you were a treat for the eyes and ears, but I suspect your taste buds are broken.)

    My favourite part of this show is watching buttoned-up people deal with stress and emotions while making complicated baked goods. It’s kind of like home.

    1. catoclock +98

      I’ve only seen like two episodes but one of them was the one where somebody TOOK IAIN’S ICE CREAM OUT OF THE FREEZER and then he threw everything in the garbage and presented the garbage can instead of a dessert while everyone gazed on in silent British horror. A++++ drama.

      1. suitingmyself +66

        This was a *huge* scandal in the UK at the time. It was (obviously) referred to as Bingate.

      2. lordpuddleglum +62

        After that episode, the poor lady who took the dessert out of the freezer went to a dinner with the rest of the bakers, fainted because she was stressed, cut her olfactory nerve and now has severely limited ability to smell/taste and therefore is unable to bake. While she’s recovering the episode airs and people go ballistic and call her all kinds of awful names on twitter, only to have the GBBO people admit that the editing made it look worse than it was, since he noticed within a minute or two that it was out, and the reason it wasn’t frozen was because it was made wrong, not because it was taken out.

        1. sorrycassandra +29

          Oh, poor thing. :/ That’s why we didn’t see any more of her after that. What a sad fate.

      3. pjmorsebooks +5

        Ever since watching Iain’s meltdown, I think twice before trashing anything. Thanks a lot, Great British Bake Off.

    2. wildemoose +31

      My boyfriend and I started shouting “WHITE BREAD!” at the TV in a Scottish accent every time Norman came onscreen.

      1. hungrybee +49

        Norman’s biscuits though! With three ingredients and little ceramic doodad to get the holes just so! I love Norman.

  20. Laura +33

    Based only on my viewing of the current season (or what my PBS affiliate is presenting as the current season, anyway), I feel like the omission of “soggy bottom crust” from this list is glaring. On the other hand, “Cardamom Battenburg Handfuls” and “Soda Bread for Some Reason” are giving me church giggles.

    1. OpheliaInWaders +9

      I’m totally going to make cardamom battenburg handfuls for Thanksgiving now. Just as soon as I stop snorting with laughter.

    2. LoriB1124 +13

      They are obsessed with soggy bottoms! Woe to the contestant that presents Paul and Mary with a soggy bottom

  21. AlmondTort +38

    I would argue that looking absolutely terrible is kind of the hallmark of British food, even if it is actually quite tasty. Even the things we’re fairly good at, roast meats, stews, pies, sponge cakes, fish and chips – it’s what my family call ‘brown food’, all aggressively unpretty. But delicious!

  22. Cat +19

    Am I the only person in the entire world who at least wanted to try to make/eat the Schichttorte from the Season 5 semifinal?

    3. maryannaking2015 +40

      full disclosure: a friend and I bake all the technical challenges every sunday before we watch the episode. They are never really flavor-wise worth all the effort in the long run, but the journey is really the point. Last week’s Brain Cake was probably the best one yet. And the Schichhtorte turned out admirably when we tried it.

    4. thebeagee +7

      My birthday was yesterday and I was teasing my dad that he could have made the schichttorte instead of buying a cake since he’d just seen that episode.

    5. hertzpertz +6

      My sister and I made one once! (I realize this is probably not newsworthy. But I generally do not bake, and was really excited in that episode to recognize something I’d made.) We alternated extra thin chocolate and vanilla layers rather than cooking times. It tasted kind of like a giant crepe? So maybe we didn’t use enough sugar. Really pretty, though.

    6. playeverything +8

      My friend made it! It was excruciating to watch, and came out… extremely dry? Boring, deeply boring to eat. But so impressive!

      She bakes along to the show and I benefit, enormously.

  23. kessell +49

    Okay, so tennis cake was a monstrosity and sometimes they do produce desserts which look like an unfortunate pile of sludge BUT you have to admit that a lot of the silliest desserts are actually the French ones, like Tower Of Pastry Nuns and Hours Of Labour For Some Crunchy Layers Biscuits.

    1. secondursula +8

      The pastry nuns were so great. Although that was also the closest to evil the show got, with the big long lunch break. So dang cruel.

      1. roisindubh211 +15

        I kept calling it La Papesse, because the only person in the Catholic church whose that fancy is the pope.

      2. kessell +6

        Yeah, I would never have expected watching people make free-standing dessert structures to be that gripping but it really is! Also, I would happily wolf down almost everything on GBBO, including the stodgy puddings and melted ice cream puddles.

  24. ppyajunebug +36

    My mom and I came across an episode on PBS on Sunday (she is just now watching it for the first time; I have seen every episode at least twice) and she spent the entire hour talking about how gorgeous Ruby is.

    2. rhymeswitheight +14

      She is beautiful. And it always makes me sad when she talks about how her bakes are bad right when the judges are about to eat them – don’t trash talk your own food, girl! It’s better than you think!

          1. joancallamezzo +4

            It’s bizarre because she is VERY FUNNY on Twitter and it does not come across on the show

        2. TimTamGirl +11

          So my wife, our roommate and I are watching this series right now. The first time my wife saw Ruby, she made inarticulate gargling noises and proceeded to drown in a puddle of her own drool for the rest of the hour. But with each passing episode Ruby became more and more ugh, until now we all just scream and throw things at the television every time she opens her mouth. I’m sure she’s a lovely person in real life, but the angsty, crabby nonsense is no fun to watch – especially when it seemed to prompt the judges to cut her slack and prop up her ego all the time. Fortunately, Mel’s rolling eyes speak for all of us.

          1. maryannaking2015 +7

            I am sure a lot of it is editing for drama, but yeah. Everything you said.
            She would have earned back some massive points in my book if instead of falling to pieces with her cabin and garden cake she said she *meant* for it to look like Jacob’s Creepy Haunted Cabin from Lost.

      1. Teka Lynn +2

        I was going to say that Ruby has a column for the Guardian, so she’s been doing well for herself post-show. Good for her!

    7. LyetteM +12

      Super gorgeous, great baker AND recently came out. I told my husband he’s lucky I haven’t yet left him & flown to England to win her heart.

  25. Cat +35

    The Princess Cake was utterly baffling. It’s the baking equivalent of a Shrubbery, requested by the Knights Who Say Nih.

    1. sarah_jay +9

      Princess cake is my favorite! But usually something you buy from a bakery. Marzipan, custard, vanilla sponge, whipped cream, raspberry jam. It’s like everything good in one cake

    2. IronDoe +2

      I used to work for a place in Bethesda, MD where that was a regular in the cake case. It wasn’t our best seller, but it wasn’t our worst either.

      1. secondursula +2

        What was your worst cake seller? I’d be super curious to know if it was carrot cake, which is my guess, or not carrot cake, which would surprise me.

        1. IronDoe +2

          Sorry, it wasn’t carrot cake. I don’t remember being anywhere where carrot cake wasn’t a good seller, no matter what kind of abomination they turned it into. (why is there coconut in it? why people?) But it definitely wasn’t carrot cake because I’m pretty sure we didn’t sell carrot cake there. I think they were going for a European style there and didn’t want something so common and American to mess it up. 😛
          Worst seller? I think it was a chestnut thing we made. It was over a dozen years ago so I’m reaching here, but I don’t remember it selling well.

    3. HelloChel +7

      IKEA (or at least the one by me) has Princess Cake in the restaurant. I tried it once. It was baffling and I don’t need to have it again.

      1. sarah_jay +6

        the version sold at Ikea is nothing like the grand beauty of the real thing. It should be a light cake with jam and SO MUCH whipped cream, like as much cream as cake, at least. Also custard. THEN the marzipan. They just do a blah cake with custard and marzipan. not like the real thing at all.

    4. tabwootwo +15

      NO! It’s delicious and fluffy and sugary and the happiest cake! I carried one around with me at my wedding reception and fed people mouthfuls but ate most of that one whole cake myself!

  26. bocadelperro +20

    The worst has come in the latest series. For you PBS watchers, I won’t spoil it except to say: beets don’t belong in cake.

    1. msbias +17

      Oh, I so disagree. I make a chocolate beetroot cake which is delicious and practically healthy.

        1. sarah_jay +6

          It’s fine in cake, but not in a cake that needs to be soaked with kirsch syrup, that would be too mushy

          2. sarah_jay +1

            I think there were cherries too, in a whipped cream filling? Which would add to the mushyness of the whole thing, especially if the cake was underdone (as I suspect it may have been)

          3. bocadelperro +4

            I’d have to check, but I have no desire to re-live the beet forest cake, so I’ll just take your word for it.

          1. bocadelperro +5

            I’m half German, and so many of our desserts involve gelatin and I love them all so it didn’t phase me.

      2. maryannaking2015 +3

        And the gross ecto-plasmy arrowroot glaze? Why? Why? (totally made one, though. without the glaze. still looked like a brain).

  27. ArsenioB_Ham +62

    If You Use Bottled Flavorings, You Might As Well Throw Yourself Into The Sea

    Rosewater Is Always Never Occasionally a Good Idea

    More Lime Jelly Than Anyone Would Care to Eat

    1. Either_Ada +48

      I just watched a woman put fake banana flavoring and eating-ripe bananas into an opera cake and I was yelling at the screen rabidly, as if this were a sportsball event. You ROT THE EVER LOVING EFF OUT OF THOSE BANANAS AND REDUCE THEM INTO A SYRUP, LIKE A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING.

      Fake banana flavoring tastes of science and despair. She deserved what was coming to her.

      1. secondursula +13

        Banana has mystified many a baker. I feel like you should be a GBBO personal trainer. They need help.

      2. ArsenioB_Ham +16

        I feel like the banana one is pretty unforgivable since you can make things taste like bananas naturally (using the method you mention).

        Then again, bubblegum flavoring seems pretty unforgivable to me as well. I guess I’m just a Paul Hollywood-style monster in this regard.

      3. sausagedog +20

        A guy did that in the latest season! The first time he used (eating-ripe) bananas the judges told him it didn’t have enough banana flavor, and so the next time, he used artificial flavoring and more eating-ripe bananas and my boyfriend and I were screaming at the TV that you need black bananas to bake with, or at least spotted-to-hell bananas, what were these tinge-of-green things he was putting in?

        1. Either_Ada +26

          I didn’t know other people cared as much about the proper way to bake with bananas as I do, and I never have felt so understood.

        2. ArsenioB_Ham +24

          You can microwave ripe-ish ones, if you don’t have blackened ones! That’s what America’s Test Kitchen recommends.

          1. OpheliaInWaders +11

            Ooh, good to know. I usually just freeze my old bananas until i have enough to bake with (whyyy is there always one leftover rotting banana?), but that would solve some scheduling issues with my banana bread supply!

      4. blueblazes11 +31

        I am still reeling at the idea of an “eating ripe” banana meaning faintly green. I would never touch one before the peel is spotty. You guys, green bananas are practically a vegetable and not fit to be eaten.

        1. sarah_jay +26

          I can’t handle them once they get a single spot of brown, slightly green or not at all for me, tyvm

      5. LoriB1124 +3

        AND banana chips. All I could think when I saw those was tiny banana shards poking the roof of my mouth.

      6. BrieCS +5

        A thing my husband told me:

        The “artificial” banana flavoring may be actually based on an extinct type of banana! There are mixed views on it, but people who have tasted the Gros Michel (I think that’s what it is called) banana say it is quite similar to artificial banana.

      2. megalesias +31

        only if you BOUGHT the bottled flavoring, not if you distilled it yourself and/or gathered it under a full moon from the woods around your farm

    3. bookwormV +22

      Bottled flavourings and shop-bought fondant. Someone got kicked out last year partly because he failed to make his own fondant; Mary was very disapproving.

    4. coloredlights +27

      To make adorable mini foods that are theoretically more edible than wax ones but basically taste the same?

      1. Either_Ada +28

        Somehow this made me think that marzipan may be the British analogue of the candy corn: sweet, waxy, divisive.

        1. coloredlights +5

          I think this is accurate, though I am actually American and didn’t realize marzipan was supposed to be a British thing. It’s fairly common and also divisive over here.

    5. m98widow +27

      So that certain Continental step-relatives can coo endlessly about how wonderful it is and how terrible and sweet and fattening AMERICAN food is while drinking their 18th glass of white wine.

    6. foxinthe_snow +13

      Marzipan is a blight on the world of desserts and I will not tolerate it. Between my dislike of raisins/sultanas/currants and my violent hatred of marzipan and almond essence, British Christmas is virtually a time of fasting for me.*

      *Except that actually I just eat the pastry lid off the mince pies, and buy ice cream and chocolate log to have instead of Christmas pudding and cake.

  29. fauxkaren +85

    i’m an American, but i’ve lived in the UK and I used to shock and amazing my British friends by making American desserts like Pumpkin cookies and Snickerdoodles.

    It drives me nuts on GBBO when they’re so dismissive of American desserts. Like when they did American Pie as a challenge and they were like “huh, this isn’t complete garbage? whaaaa?” OF COURSE IT’S NOT COMPLETE GARBAGE. WE MAKE EXCELLENT DESSERTS.

    Also, I feel like the British could use some tutoring from Americans in the art of cheesecake making. When they ad the cheesecake challenge this past series, so many of them looked unappetizing. Take a fieldtrip to The Cheesecake Factory and see all the delicious varieties available to you!

    1. secondursula +34

      I just moved over to the UK and am wondering how to make friends. If the answer is that I have to bribe people with homemade pie and cheesecake, well then so be it.

      1. OpheliaInWaders +47

        Also, soft/chewy cookies. The fact that a cookie and a biscuit are *not the same* is clutch.

        1. secondursula +10

          I feel like I need to be making an excel spreadsheet or similar! I get the American biscuit (fluffy layered pillsbury thing that is often had with butter and gravy) versus British biscuit (as in digestive biscuit version which I have every morning now with my coffee, yes sorry, I’m a monster); I thought that biscuit totally replaced cookie in all instances, but is there another thing which is called a cookie? And, say that writing this very comment has left me with a craving for American style savory biscuits …. what would I call that and where in London would I get them? Asking for a friend.

          1. OpheliaInWaders +18

            So, biscuit/cookie is roughly equivalent, but British biscuits are all crunchy/crispy, so there is no such thing as, like, a chewy chocolate chip cookie (unless there’s a hip bakery or something being creative). So all biscuits are cookies, but not all cookies are biscuits?

            I’m afraid for American biscuits the only answer I ever found is “from scratch.”

          2. secondursula +4

            Rectangles and squares, I’ll file that away. 🙂 The problem is I now also want a chewy cookie. Maybe I’ll just have a sticky toffee pudding instead. It certainly hits all the right notes as far as oozy goodness to replace the chewy chocolate chip.

            And I was afraid that would be the answer.

          3. daisicles +8

            You might be able to find chewy chocolate chip cookies! That’ll probably be the only chewy cookie flavor available and it may or may not be easy to find depending on where you are and where you shop, but I have found them in the UK.

          4. secondursula +3

            Yay! I’m in London, which is the best of all possible worlds when it comes to foods, as I haven’t yet found something that I couldn’t at least get the raw ingredients to make. The biggest hurdle really has been learning the right names of things to ask for in the shops.

          5. daisicles +3

            Yeah, tracking down the raw ingredients is definitely easier… mostly. Speaking of chocolate chip cookies, several of the Americans I knew wanted to make a batch one time. Finding everything but the chocolate chips was obviously fine, but the chips were a problem. You could get tiny bags of them but ultimately they just ended up buying a giant block of Cadbury and hacking at it with a knife because it was loads cheaper.

            So basically, it’s not too late to just develop a taste for ready-made biscuits. 😉

          6. secondursula +6

            Handy trick! I do that with the big chocolate bunnies that go on sale after Easter for hot chocolate. Freeze one and then grate it into simmering milk with cinnamon and anise and nutmeg or whatever’s on hand. A single bunny can make several mugs worth of hot chocolate, and it’s less expensive than most mixes I’ve found. This reminds me to check for Halloween candy on sale: hope I haven’t missed the window!

          9. politeyeti +2

            Similar but definitely different flavour profile – biscuits are usually saltier and have a more prominent baking powder taste. Scones usually are sweet…ish.

          10. grumblyqueer +2

            They’re just biscuits, really. You could probably find them at a KFC or similar Southern-fast-food chain. If you see a sign anywhere for “biscuits and gravy,” you’re on the right track.

          11. Wheels

            It… never occurred to me that KFC should have those mysterious American “biscuits”. But (at least in Australia) it absolutely doesn’t.

    2. 30Litresof +17

      To be fair, they probably could have made nicer looking ones if they didn’t have to make three at a time and then tier them. We are aware of/can make cheesecake over here.

      1. secondursula +5

        Yes, I have similar hard feelings about the religeuse a l’ancienne challenge: i’s already tough enough! No need for curve balls!

    3. rhymeswitheight +30

      What’s not to like about pie?? It has flaky pastry crust (something that seems like it’s in every single episode of GBBO) and fruit (ditto)!

    4. thebeagee +77

      Even further, when they insult American desserts based on their crappy British re-imagining of American desserts. Like, of course that pie was terrible. That was the nightmare version. Also, you all freaking loved that Key Lime Pie and key lime is American, you jammy-sponges.

      2. bocadelperro +75

        I am firmly team cake, and I was so upset over the American pie episode that I went and made a maple and black walnut pie out of pure spite. It was a delicious, delicious spite pie.

        2. builtahouse +14

          literally looked up the recipe to chocolate pecan pie because of this, and it reminded me that I am a dang ADULT who can make frickin pie whenever she wants. 😀

    5. Mrs_Peel +13

      I was agreeing 100% until you mentioned the unholy Cheesecake Factory. Their cheesecake is TERRIBLE.

      But there are any number of alternatives in various parts of the US!

    6. neuromanticism +21

      American desserts are amazing. A-m-a-z-i-n-g. The combinations! The decadence! The variety! They baffle me and delight me at the same time and make me question basic facts of life. Like, why SHOULD a thing only have one flavour or trait (“this is chocolate icecream”) when it can have several? Does the chocolate icecream lose its identity if you put marshmallows, fudge and nuts in it? No! It does not. “More is more” may not always be the best approach to everything, but it’s a GREAT philosophy when it comes to desserts.

  30. thesarahgirl +9

    I am almost through the one season they have on Netflix, and I just realized I still have no clue what they mean when the dough has to “prove.” It’s just… rise, right? But then when they talk about something being “over-proven,” it seems to be over-kneaded? Can it somehow mean both rise and knead???

  31. Frumiosa +71

    This fits well with my theory that British humor is so great because between the weather and the food, they have literally nothing else to live for.

  32. bird_internet +34

    Okay, now I’m looking at the Wikipedia category for “British desserts” and it’s far exceeding my expectations. Eton mess! Bedfordshire clanger!

      1. catoclock +27

        I thought JK Rowling made that up and was so surprised when I learned it was a real thing.

    2. daisymerolling +30

      SPOTTED DICK
      the point of many fits of laughter for a twelve year old American girl who lived in Leicester for a month.

      1. foxinthe_snow +29

        My friend’s first boyfriend was ginger and very freckly so her mum kept teasing her by pointed to the spotted dick in Tescos and asking if it looked familiar. Spotted dick will never not be fucking hilarious!

    4. bookwormV +8

      The comments in this thread are making me so confused because as a Brit these things are all perfectly normal to me (okay, I have never encountered a Bedfordshire Clanger, but the rest). ETON MESS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL.

      1. secondursula +6

        Yeah, I’d laugh at “mess” for a dessert name, but where I’m from we have “Mississippi mud” for a chocolate brownie dish and “puppy chow” for a chex mix snack treat.

    5. Genevieve

      Whoa! Bedfordshire clanger ” is an elongated suet crust dumpling with a savoury filling at one end and a sweet filling at the other, comprising a main course and dessert in one package.” Now that’s not like anything I’ve heard of before.

  33. georgiewilliamsblog +6

    I love that show so much!! I had no idea there was such a thing as British desserts before, but I just really really really love the show. Also, I would probably eat a bucket full of trifle.

  34. deleted7410012 +9

    okay but the latest episode that aired on PBS this past sunday night—THE BRAIN CAKE. i was horrified.

    1. thebellewitch +5

      A coworker of mine decided to try this at home! I didn’t see it in person, but her pictures looked disgusting. And it takes work to make me think cake is disgusting.

      1. deleted7410012 +5

        i mean even the “perfect” one kimberley made did not look appetizing to me at all.

    2. LoriB1124 +6

      It was the gel/syrup on the outside that really put it over the edge for me. It it didn’t have that…sheen it may have been a bit more appetizing.

      1. deleted7410012 +8

        yeah, at least the contestants and mel & sue alike were like “WHAT IS THIS” haha. it was so…mucilaginous.

  35. hungrybee +29

    This show is the reason I finally thought about how crackers get made. It never occurred to me to bake some. I’m almost 40.

    2. octopoda +2

      I’ve made them once, they came out really good! In the biscuit episode I really wanted that savory house badly.

  36. singstrix +10

    I’m Very Into the concept of pavlovas for dessert, given that I love meringue and fruit and fresh whipped cream, yet I’ve somehow never been arsed to make one. HOWEVER, the sad nilla wafers/unsweetened (??) meringue/kiwi description sounds gross enough to merit being on this list, and also I’ve never watched this show; do they make ANYTHING good/palatable?

    1. sarah_jay +13

      Yes. They make all kinds of tasty looking/sounding things. Mallory is just being Mallory and exaggerating.

    3. RunGracieRun +4

      I had pavlova a few times as a child and didn’t like them. But they were frozen ones from the grocery store? In L.A.? So perhaps not a good example of the genre.

    4. Trix +1

      I don’t know where the wafers come in – there ain’t none in any pavlova I’ve had. Yes, the meringue is sweetened, a lot. The reason I have maybe a slice a decade is that they’re way too sickly for my taste (I have a very limited sweet tooth).

      The cream, however, should not be sweetened, although there’s a trend for that too, now. Blech.

    5. ecurve +6

      I came in here to defend pavlovas. I had an absolutely transcendent one in Wellington, NZ once: imagine a meringue, delightfully crunchy (not tough) on the outside, toasted-marshmallow-gooey on the inside. Now imagine fruit, including the best passion fruit you have personally ever tasted (honestly, I’ve never had passion fruit like I had in New Zealand), on top. Now add in lots whipped cream. It’s all fruity and creamy and rich and airy and gooey and crunchy and…. yeah.

      I don’t know what this Nilla wafer nonsense is about, though.

  37. YoungLeafedJune +19

    How about that guy that made a functioning well that you could use to get a drink of…milk? Hot white chocolate? In any case, something white and viscous enough that the bucket just rested on top of it for a while, pressing down on the top instead of dunking in.

    1. YoungLeafedJune +39

      Also, that was on the cookie episode which highlighted the most horrifying thing of all: apparently Brits hate soft cookies? They want them to be hard and crumbly at all times? So many people on that episode just made dry, apparently flavorless cookies, and the judges were all “Ah, perfect. No moisture here!”

    1. secondursula +4

      Aww, I thought I was going to get a saucy wink there! Not that this isn’t a great gif on its own terms.

  39. winterbymorning +41

    I just can’t stand the constant use of the word “bake” as a noun, which I have never encountered anywhere but GBBO. “Oh, this is a great bake” what the unholy fuck does that even mean?

    1. chubbyballerina +15

      It used to bother me, but after watching four seasons of Bake-Off, I now find it charming.

  40. enidnotrebecca +15

    Victoria Sponge is the best cake! I love it so much I bake myself one every year for my birthday. I sandwich it with jam from my jam-making friend (this year I went with cherry-amaretto) and clotted cream (buttercream is too sweet). In addition to tasting like heaven, there’s the added bonus of smug baker satisfaction when it mixes up perfectly because you got your butter and eggs to just the right temperature.

    1. Abanthis +14

      Either “the general category of dessert” or “a steamed sponge”, generally. What does it mean to you?

        1. secondursula +4

          Exactly, I think it even is a sort of custard traditionally, although nowadays it’s mostly sold as an instant mix or already constituted, because it has eggs or used to and needs to set in a refrigerator, which I feel like are the important elements of custard as I understand it from watching an episode of Dinner Date where someone tried and failed to make a custard from scratch.

          2. secondursula +2

            Totally fair! I only make rice pudding at home, which doesn’t have egg either, but it’s a bit different in other ways too, so I thought it was a bit of an exception.

      2. sarah_jay +11

        Pudding in the states is usually a creme pat textured dessert, we call creme pat Vanilla Pudding, and Chocolate , Butterscotch, banana, or Pistachio Pudding are variations on the same. Tapioca pudding is a similar thickness, but has tapioca bits in it. We also have rice pudding here. I can’t think of any other popular desserts we call pudding over here.

          1. sarah_jay +10

            How did I forget bread pudding!? That was one of my jobs at the bakery! Bread pudding made from the offcuts of croissant making.

          2. secondursula +4

            Oh man! The best desert I’ve eaten in my life was a bread pudding with pistachios! And yes, I also forgot.

          1. sarah_jay +3

            Is it like a powdered pudding mix? Because we have those, they’re made by Jello and are cornstarch based

          2. Abanthis +3

            Probably! I have no earthly clue what’s in them, but it’s powder you mix with milk and get a set mousse thing.

          3. octopoda +13

            That is pretty much what Americans are referring to when they say pudding 99% of the time.

          6. secondursula +14

            This would be a great meet-up event. Everyone could just bring their puddings and then we could compare, or at least that’s my dream kind of event.

          7. lemonadefish +6

            Cornstarch usually I think. Though now I’m looking at the internet and finding some recipes with eggs in them too. I feel slightly unmoored now.

          8. secondursula +1

            Oh wait, then I take back my hedge about only making rice pudding. Egg is the way that I remember it, although the whole benefit of having the instant package is that you can just use water or milk, which was nice for when we didn’t have eggs. But I do remember there being an egg option in my misty memory… sorry to be part of the problem.

        3. secondursula +10

          I feel like a little light bulb just went off over my head! I always just sort of chalked ‘creme pat’ up as some mysterious and sophisticated thing I’d never understand! But it’s like (Am) pudding you say? Awesome!

          Confusingly, you can also get “pudding” sometimes in bubble tea, if you don’t like tapioca purls/bubble. It’s more the consistency of jelly, and it’s probably confusing and an outlier, pudding consistency-wise, but my favorite tea combo is a taro milk tea with almond pudding, so I end up saying that a lot.

          1. sarah_jay +4

            It’s just the vanilla custard filling we get in eclairs, etc. Like a homemade vanilla pudding!

          2. secondursula +10

            It’s like the end of a scooby doo episode where the villain rips off their mask! Ahh that’s so simple, but it sounded so fancy!

          4. secondursula +9

            I think French is the key for all the food words I don’t recognize: I’m looking at you rocket, aubergine and courgettes.

        4. Absotively +4

          My family occasionally makes self-saucing puddings, and we do call them pudding. I think we got at least one of the recipes from the Better Homes & Gardens Cookbook, so I’m counting that as American.

          We also have Christmas pudding, which is a steamed pudding made with suet, but I think that’s a lot more common here in Canada than in the US. And obviously the recipe and the tradition are of British origin.

      3. rhymeswitheight +2

        Thanks! To me, it’s a dessert that’s kind of like a creamier, sweeter yogurt. Usually chocolate or vanilla, but there are other flavors too.

    2. Ganymede +7

      Pudding is hot and farinaceous in some way (bread or flour), eg Treacle Tart, Steamed sponge of various kinds, spotted dick (or other suet puds), bread and butter pudding. “Dessert”, to speak strictly, should involve fruit and can simply be a piece of fruit. To me, Apple Crumble is pudding because it’s hot and baked, whereas Pavlova is dessert.

      Pudding can also be savoury, eg Steak and Kidney pudding, or refer to a kind of cooked sausage, eg Blood Sausage aka Black Pudding.

      1. alicia +15

        So what I’m hearing is that pudding is stodgy and British, while dessert is fruity and French.

    3. theharpoon +11

      I have been informed by multiple British people that “pudding” refers to any sweet thing that you eat after the evening meal, although when confronted with my incredulity they admitted that many people incorrectly used the word to refer to only specific kinds of sweet things you eat after the evening meal. One of them claimed that ice cream was not pudding, but all other sweet things were.

      Basically, you people need to get your story straight, ok?? Just like we Americans have definitely done with soda/pop/soft drink.

      1. terb +16

        I am a new zealand person with english parents, and as far as I know re: pudding as all sweets vs pudding as specific baked good is that pudding can be used as a general term referring to the after dinner meal, as in ‘whats for pudding, mum?’, but if you refer to A pudding in the singular, you mean a hot stodgy steamed whatsit maybe with dates in.

    4. sftaylor88 +2

      It gets used as a catch-all term for desserts, or it can mean specifically pudding, as in Christmas or sticky toffee (or rice, I suppose, if you have the pallet of a primary school child). And banoffee pie is seriously the shit; I would dropkick a toddler for one right now.

  42. superscones +11

    SPEAKING OF: Has anyone read Sue Perkins’s “Spectacles” book and will confirm if it’s amazing or not? Obviously it must be, but I just want to double check before I spend oodles of cash getting it shipped from the UK to the US.

    1. jabberwocky888 +2

      I copypasted this from my Goodreads review: One of the funniest books I’ve read in ages, this is an absolute pleasure that made my workmates check on me on my lunch break, I was guffawing so hard. Sue is hilarious, sharp, insightful and never met a cake she could refuse…if you enjoy watching her tremendously enjoyable partnership with Mel Giedroyc on the Great British Bake Off, you need this book like Mary Berry needs a G&T at the end of a long day’s feeling of soggy bottoms…

  43. maryannaking2015 +18

    Oh, I adore every single one of these comments and I am just so glad I am not the only one watching all this drollness. Fav moment of the current PBS season, when one of the bakers said he “hates” fruit pies. Who hates fruit pies???

  44. germanrocketcat +37

    My favorite part is that more than half of the technical challenges are some sort of french pastry (because the french just had a lot of time on their hands when it came to butter and eggs and flour I guess)….Signature challenges: British. Technical Challenges: Do This French Thing.

  45. IronDoe +86

    I HATE 99% of all cooking contest shows. If I wanted to hear people getting cursed out to the point of tears I’d go to work. This is one of the only shows where it’s really all about the food. The contestants don’t hate each other! They don’t sabotage! The hosts aren’t jerks for ratings! (I mean Paul has this weird power/dominance thing going on, but he’s not Gordon Ramsey) And you can almost always see why the person that went home was eliminated. It’s charming and Mel and Sue are such a treasure. (did you know that when bakers get upset but don’t want to have their break down televised Mel and/or Sue will stand in front of them and curse so they can’t use the footage?)

    1. sarah_jay +39

      I love that they set the bakers up to succeed. No sleepless nights, or exhausting schedules, no having to work in teams with super competitive people. I also think the lack of cash prize makes a difference. So many competition shows are all about winning the money at any cost, where GBBO is about baking because you like to do it and it’s fun.

      1. IronDoe +28

        I like seeing the followup shows they do about the previous season’s contestants and it really, truly seems to change their lives. The ones that are out earlier make a few changes but the ones that last past the halfway point usually end up doing these fabulous local projects or get book deals or start businesses. It’s really heartening to see.

      2. chubbyballerina +10

        I think the non-competitive aspect is what I love about the show. Everyone wants to succeed, obviously, but it’s not a “take everyone else out” kind of competition. They’re all supportive of each other and enjoy what they’re doing. Lots of positive vibes!

    2. secondursula +42

      That’s so wonderful, not that they have break downs, but that Mel and Sue stand up for them. I feel a little weepy! That’s so sweet!

    3. Mrs_Peel +17

      YES!! I also love the gentleness and the camaraderie. I wish there were more cooking shows like that.

    4. coloredlights +31

      Can I just throw out a recommendation for Masterchef Junior? It is freaking adorable and Gordon Ramsay is incredibly sweet to all the little kids. No mean-spiritedness at all. The only downside is realizing that an 8-year-old just created a perfect seared scallop appetizer, what am I doing with my life.

      2. sarah_jay +11

        All those rich kids with access to fancy ingredients their parents aren’t afraid to let them ruin. I’m so afraid to ruin meat that I almost never splurge on the good stuff

    6. Lilybellevedere +13

      There are so many great things about Mel and Sue. Like did you know that they walked off set during season one, because the producer was trying to “create drama” and they basically said “if you want us to make contestants cry, you’ve got the wrong presenters” LOVELY. Also that if someone is offended by curse words, they will just start naming brands (the BBC doesn’t advertise, so it must not endorse any one brand over any other)

    7. Apollonia +2

      This is why I love the Great Australian Bake Off. The hosts are two female stand up comedians (one of whom describes the cakes as “grouse” and “a rippa”). And the judges are Australian cooking royalty, chef Matt Moran and cook, Maggie Beer, who are absolutely delightful and always critique rather than criticise. The contestants always look like they’re having fun. And it’s all done in a giant shed in the middle of a paddock on a farm.

  46. notebook-keeper +11

    my family (American) lived in the UK for 3 years when I was a kid…I remember LOVING the rice pudding with jam and the sponge cake with jam they would give us for dessert at school and my parents being completely baffled.

    1. foxinthe_snow +6

      You are bringing back such strong memories of school dinners. Rice pudding or semolina with a dollop of jam – elbowing kids out of the way to make sure you got the one with the most jam because otherwise it was just flavourless goo… Cubes of vanilla sponge cake with custard, and once in a glorious blue moon chocolate sponge and chocolate custard… A choice of incredibly sharp green apple or disgustingly sweet red apple…

      Dessert never quite made up for how rank the lunch was.

      1. notebook-keeper +5

        Lunch was sometimes DISGUSTING. I remember crying because a teacher was trying to make me eat the fish pie.

  47. houblonchouffe +19

    I guess I’m the only person on Team You Put A Banana In Front Of Me You Will Feel My Wrath, then?

    1. catoclock +8

      I mean, I’m Team I’ll Eat That Banana But It Better Not Go Inside My Dessert Or Else, does that count?

        1. lemonadefish +4

          My mom is with you on this – it makes it extra sweet to see her feeding my toddler banana slices.

    2. lemonadefish +2

      I like bananas just fine, but I do verge towards wrath if you try to put a banana in something.

    3. jimmyjimjimjim +6

      I’m Team All The Bananas All The Ways.

      I waded through 800 pages of Gravity’s Rainbow based entirely of the breakfast menu of the first scene.

  48. Ganymede +12

    Newsflash: I am currently in real time watching a newcomer to the chummy British crafty competition show pantheon: “The Great Pottery Throw Down”. Very nice mix of characters but the jury is currently out…

      1. Ganymede +11

        The great big male judge is mopping tears away because he is so moved by one of the contestant’s attitude. IT IS WUVLY!

        It’s a bit art-classy and earnest but it’s fun.

    3. sarah_jay +6

      I’m a fan of all the spin-offs, the painting one is great, and the Sewing Bee is so much fun as a home sewer/home ec ed major

    4. Lilybellevedere +2

      I watched the first episode last night! With my parents, who both trained in ceramics. You have never seen such rage. On a side note, my friend applied to be on the sewing bee, and has an audition soon!

    2. dakimel +9

      Do I blatantly hesitate, when invited to my Aussie pal’s house for dinner, until she confirms she’s making pavlova, and then accept?

      Maybe.

      But wouldn’t you?

    3. Teka Lynn +2

      I associate pavlova with New Zealand, probably because of the Almighty Johnsons webisode where Young Olaf and Anna Pavlova went on a sugar binge together.

  51. lemonadefish +6

    I was certainly crying-while-silent-laughing at my desk while reading this list. I guess I need to make time in my almost non-existent TV-watching schedule for some GBBO!

  52. theinvisiblecritic +22

    The Great British Bake Off is perfect and lovely and the only context in which I am remotely okay with my British nationality. I will not have you making fun of my sponge with whatever the fuck I like. I shall not have it. It is the only thing left in a crumbling, complicated world.

    1. alicia +6

      Someday you should come visit California and we will introduce you to chiffon cake. It’s both lighter and also richer than sponge and doesn’t taste as eggy.

      1. theinvisiblecritic +23

        Very kind. Part of me wants to respond with an obstinate “MAYBE I LIKE EGGY DENSE SOLIDITY” but I’m too touched by the offer of cake.

  53. diaryofamadeditor +59

    I watch this show like my neighbor watches Greenbay Packers: DON’T PUT IT IN THE OVEN YET, LET THE PASTY REST DAMMIT. LOOK AT THAT DOUGH–IT’S OVER-PROOFED. TAKE THE JAM OFF THE STOVE! TAKE THE JAM OFF THE STOVE!

  54. HyacinthGirl +11

    I cannae understand why none of you have mentioned the “vegetable cake” challenge, which also necessitated the cakes be fucking vegetarian, which directly followed the ancient grains/gluten-free challenge. It took me a really long time to believe that Sue and Mel were NOT just fucking with the contestants.

    1. Strophoria +4

      Vegetarian cake can be done; however you cannot make a goddamn sponge cake vegetarian to save your life. Considering how sponge-centric these challenges are, I’m not surprised to hear that it was a disaster

  55. Pandora +13

    Okay, but is *no one* going to mention the bubblegum-flavoured eclairs? All of my teeth are sweet teeth and I still found that revolting.

    2. Lilybellevedere +2

      I thought I was going to cry. Why would you do that to éclairs?!?! Why Nadia? I mean, your eyebrows are flawless, so I’ll forgive you, but just this once!!!!

    3. femmefan1946 +3

      My favourite brother in law was allowed to bring home the dented pop cans from work. Once he brought home bubblegum flavoured soda pop. It was… pink.

  56. madpawn +51

    JUST YESTERDAY my husband and I were making fun of this (wonderful) show by talking about fake desserts and impossible-seeming directives in our best Mary Berry voices.

    “Today you will be making the old British classic, the Jammy Whammy Kablammy. We want it to be light as a feather, and extremely dense; it should have a beautiful sheen, and entirely matte; it should be sopping wet, and also perfectly dry. It can be done.”

  58. the_kate +9

    Thanks for the introduction to this show. I’ve been quietly chortling at all of the barely-suppressed nerves and disappointment. Also, whoever she is, that female judge is my new personal hero.

    1. sarah_jay +6

      Mary Berry is the best and I want to be her when I grow up. You might be able to find her cooking shows on youtube

  59. ceaashurst +4

    Mary Berry only cares what things look like. And Paul may be the Baker but those eyes are too creepy.

    1. secondursula +8

      Yes, I can’t help but think he made some deal with the devil at the crossroad in order to learn the secret of identifying over-proofed pastry.

    1. secondursula +1

      I have the same feeling about “knickerbocker glory”. I can’t even say it aloud without giggling.

  61. RuncibleSpoon +2

    where do i find this show? i want to start watching, i’m guessing it streams somewhere. let me be amused and enraged by pastry and sponge too!

    1. ElpElpElp +4

      If you’re in the US, there is a season on Netflix and a season currently airing on PBS, so you can probably find episodes on their website. These are called The Great British Baking Show, because apparently Pillsbury owns the term Bake Off in America.

      Also, all six seasons are available on YouTube if you’re willing to do some digging. Note: the season numbers in America do not correspond to the British series numbers. Season 1 of Baking Show is, I believe, Series 5 of Bake Off, and Season 2 is Series 4. So if you’re doing a combo of Netflix and YouTube, keep that in mind.

  62. eliana23 +4

    watched a whole season thinking about how much of life I know nothing about. considered writing a post about it but thought maybe the rest of the world was making enriched breads or puddings or some other shit while I was napping.

  63. EmpressofBland +5

    Mallory I love you but DO NOT insult Pavlova AUSTRALIA IS COMING FOR YOU

    Also New Zealand, but whatever, it’s basically just sheep and a couple of guys.

  66. Todd +3

    I always giggle at “Spotted Dick” (I am 12).

    The dessert that looked like a brain was Charlotte Royale. ick.

    I saw Paul as a judge on the American version (with Jeff Foxworthy as host). One contestant made a dish with chocolate, peanut butter, and bacon … he was doubtful but tasted it and admitted it was delicious.

  67. femmefan1946 +3

    Anyone else ever tried making Nanny Ogg’s Strawberry Wobbler? You need strawberry jello, a champagne flute and a little whipped cream .
    The whole recipe is in her “Joye of Snackes”.

  68. Apollonia

    Me too, though I can't say I'm shocked. Some of the most theoretically disgusting but actually delicious things I've eaten have been during visits to the British Isles (it's a tie between Scotland with deep fried Mars Bar and Ireland with black pudding)

  69. Apollonia

    I have the exact reaction to fruit pies. The last time I was in the US I went into Safeway and was confronted with a cherry pie the size and depth of a toilet bowl. WRONG, AMERICA. WRONG.

  70. Apollonia

    Root beer is the exact same thing as sarsaparilla which is a soft drink we have in Australia. I was super excited to try this new and exciting root beer when I first went to the US and was disappointed that it was the same old crap I'd been drinking my whole life under a different name. Not sure if they have it in the UK. It does have a weird aniseedy, medicinal taste which I LOVE, but a lot of people hate.

  71. Apollonia

    American desserts are KICKASS. Unfortunately every time I ask my friends how they'd make these dishes at home, they're like "Oh I'd just open a box of Jiffy cornbread mix/Bisquick/a can of cinnamon rolls/a can of spiced pumpkin etc." Like, first up you can buy none of that stuff here and second up, I want to actually make stuff from scratch, not crack a tin of 'dessert in a can' and empty it into a pre-made pie shell. Might as well just pick one up at a baker.

  72. Susan

    Bake-offs have been going on here in the US for decades. People from all over the country compete in the Pillsbury Bake Off in order to have their recipes added to the Pillsbury cookbooks.

  73. cowshark

    I've seen jellies and jams used as filling in sandwich cookies and thumbprints. Definitely the nums.