If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, the two of you would have met after locking eyes across the room at a party. You both would have grinned and turned away quickly. Cursing yourself for your shyness, you would then look up to see him lounging in the seat right next to you, calmly sipping his beer. “I bought you a drink,” he would say, pushing a gin-and-tonic over to you. “I don’t really like gin-and-tonics,” you’d say, sipping it anyway. “That’s cool,” he would say, grinning at you. “Means I get to buy you another drink.”
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, he’d buy you a new planner every time you needed one – which he would know happens once every other month. How does he know?! you’d constantly wonder. Until one night you’d be freaking out to him about having three assignments due on the same day and being late on all of them, and he would hand you a new planner and say, “I had this on retainer. Get on that to-do list, babe.”
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, you would often be asked, “And where are you guys from?” with that pointed, exacting look, and the two of you would make up a new country and a fake history on the spot, every single time. Last time it was “Cloaca,” a tiny island off the coast of Croatia — so beautiful, but entirely surrounded by sharks.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, you’d mute commercials while watching TV to comment on the dangers of capitalism they represent. Well, you mostly do this; Rami Malek just likes listening to you. “Oh, look, another woman doing housework, yet another way to reinforce domestic labor as being ‘women’s work,’” you’d say. “Oh great, more business-casual wear to mop floors — the uniform of the middle class and ABC Family,” you’d say, during the next one. “It’s collar shirts under sweaters or bust,” Rami Malek would tell you.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, he’d know that you actually love when he wears collar shirts under sweaters, and he’d wear them all the time. He’d also have the most fantastic jackets, which you would steal knowing that he was powerless to stop you.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, neither of you would be shy about going out dancing till you glisten with sweat, your voices hoarse from yelling over the music. He’d never make you feel jealous of the fact that he’s clearly the better dancer.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, he’d pull your hair sometimes when walking behind you, or curl a lock around his finger while you wait in line for the movies. If you were pulling on it on a particularly stressful day, he’d bat your hands away and smooth the tendrils back. One day you’d give his hair a giant tug during a kiss goodbye. “You know,” you’d say, at his blushing grin, “if you had something other than the side-shave this would be a lot easier.”
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, he’d text you in the middle of the night freaking out because his computer wasn’t working. “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” you would say in tired but soothing tones as you squint at Google’s answers to his problem on your laptop. “Please don’t tell Christian Slater,” he’d plead, and you promise to take the secret to your grave.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, he’d hear your theory about LA chillness all the time because he grew up in the Valley. “See, people who were brought up here are super chill,” you would say as you picked up your tacos from the truck at 2:00am. “’Cause when you can do stuff like this all the time, year-round, you have a certain relaxed vibe. You know?” “We’re chill because it’s hot!” he would tell you. “Or just because you’re from New Jersey.” “What does that mean?” you would ask, your eyes narrowed, mid-taco bite.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, sometimes you’d surreptitiously watch him — making tea, or changing the TV channel, or driving. Then one day you’d be texting someone and you’d look up to see him taking a picture of you with a soft smile on his face. “WHAT.” “You make the best faces when you text,” he would say, showing you. You’d flip through his camera. “Oh my God. How many pictures do you have of me texting?”
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, he’d be tidier than you. “Oh, sorry,” you’d say, spraying crumbs on the coffee table as you ate a pastry. He’d look at you and point two fingers at his eyes and then back at you. I’m watching you.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, one day you’d tell him you heard someone saying his name wrong. “They said Mah-lick, not Mah-leek! Can you believe that?” you would say indignantly. “Um,” he would say, “that’s actually how you say my name.” You’d stare at him. “WHAT? Why didn’t you tell me?!” “I just, I didn’t,” he says. “I…” He’d raise his hands helplessly and smile at you.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, you’d both have this thing where you spent weeks – multiple seven-day cycles – always listening to, humming, and dancing to the same song. You’d discover this one day while listening to a song in the car — you’d ask him if you could play it again, and then he’d ask you if he could play it again, and somehow the two of you would end up spending a two-hour car ride only listening to “Replay” by Zendaya.
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, he’d totally appreciate the fact that you thought he was amazing as early as Night At the Museum. “See, the thing is, at the time I was all ‘damn, this guy’s amazing, but Middle Eastern guys never get properly sex-symboled.’” “What about Omar Sharif?” he’d ask. “I’m so glad I was wrong,” you would say, mock-glaring at him for interrupting you. “What about Alexander Siddig?” he would add, getting that stupid shit-eating grin you know he knows destroys you. “What about Jesus?” “I’m breaking up with you now.”
If Rami Malek were your boyfriend, you’d wake up in the middle of the night and poke him. “RAMI,” you loudly whisper. “ARE YOU SLEEPING.” “Mmf.” “I’m getting a snack.” “K.” “Can you come with me?” And that’s how you’d end up downstairs at 1:00 in the morning, holding hands with a snoozing zombie and munching on the Nutella sandwich he made just for you.
I have been waiting for this beautiful post ever since this fantastic series started. Now I can die in peace.
no stahp help please.
everything hurts and i’m dying probably.
HOW DID YOU KNOW I’VE APPRECIATED HIM SINCE NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM? (granted during which I was like “how creepy is it to think that the Mummy is FINE? It probably is, right? But like, DAYUM.”)
It’s always good to know that I’m not alone in this regard.
I remember after Night at the Museum came out I would sometimes visit his imdb page, wistfully hoping he would stick around as an actor and LO and BEHOLD my patience was rewarded.
I’m sitting at my desk actually BLUSHING. This is too good!
I SQUEALED when I saw this, for real. Rami Malek is so adorable. I was behind him in line at this bodega so we’re like really going to happen any day now and this shall serve as a good blueprint for our relationship.
WHAT. Tell me more. Does he smell nice?? Is he super tiny
Seriously, I have been waiting since I read this at work to come and get the deets! WHERE ARE THE DEETS!?
he is around 5’8”ish and he smells super fresh and citrusy so basically he’s perfect.
i was kinda almost expecting him to wear that hoodie from Mr.Robot but he actually DID wear a collared shirt under a sweater, i can’t believe i forgot to mention this in the first place.
mmm.
yes, that’ll do.
“That’s cool,” he would say, grinning at you. “Means I get to buy you another drink.”
Oh, I am gonna put this line to good use someday. Thank you.
After a long morning of getting mansplained code at work, imagining myself gently and supportively acting as tech support for Rami Malek is a goddamn balm. I would be SO KNOWLEDGEABLE and NOT AT ALL CONDESCENDING. He would be quietly thankful and not ever come back to me saying “So your advice worked and fixed the thing, but then I googled it, and did you know there’s a BETTER solution?”
#lifegoals
This is beautiful. Also, I’m fervently praying for a series of “If [Hamilton cast member] Was Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend”–with one for each of the cast members, of course.
Oooh, me likey. Also I want to see more historical figures, like “If Alfred the Great Were Your Boyfriend”. Been crushing harrrrrd since watching “The Last Kingdom”.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALL MY LIFE
FACT: Rami Malek has an identical twin brother named Sami, and sometimes, when I’m feeling down, I image search pictures of the two of them to cheer myself up. It always works.
the main picture is from him telling a story about pretending to be Sami! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvBwJrc_-ns
OMG, “Mr. Robot Shrapnel” is an amazing phrase.
Thank you for the link (and for the list, obvs). I didn’t think it was possible to love him more, but… turns out I was wrong.
the real question, though, is how many times I can ask him why Snafu left without saying goodbye before he bans all talk of The Pacific for the good of our relationship
i have so many regrets that this man has been missing from my life until today. am correcting that immediately by watching Night at the Museum trailers and plan on starting Mr. Robot tonight. furiously blushing may or may not accompany all of this.
Um…if I didn’t know who he was before but think he is HANDSOME and enjoy this post immensely and would like to become more familiar with his oeuvre…where might a gal with a burgeoning crush start?
The Pacific, Night At The Museum aaand Mr. Robot.
Stay away from Twilight if you wish to avoid having your burgeoning crush cruelly dampened by Sparkly Vampire Malek, although HE REALLY TRIES TO SELL IT
Don’t start with the Pacific though!! Also, Short Term 12.
OHMYGOD, yes! Short Term 12! I knew I knew him but alas, I have not seen any of the other stuff he’s been in.
He’s basically a waterbender in Breaking Dawn: Part II and he’s so earnest it’s almost painful. But so, so cute.
Also, he’s in the game Until Dawn, which is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure slasher movie. It’s mo-cap and he’s very adorable in all his pixelated glory.
If they ever did a proper Avatar/Korra live action movie, he would be a fantastic choice! He actually did VO one of the pro benders ( I think a fire one? Like their nemesis?) in the first season of Korra.
See Short Term 12. His part is pretty tiny, but it’s a heart breaker of a movie.
I love this series so much. I also love then looking up who the celebrity is who I’d never heard of before.
I relate way too hard to the part about him supplying you with infinite planners. What a babe. What a stationary-addiction-enabling babe.
Amazing, as usual.
Thank you for posting this right before I have a big presentation, and the 6 appointment hell that is my Friday. So thankful that The Toast and Rami Malek have my back in this trying time. (Also, this is maybe my favourite of the series, which feels like picking a favourite child.)
This perfectly captures the casual sense of humor I want in my relationships. Toothless threats of breaking up are my bread and butter.
I want this. I did not know I had a crush on Rami Malek, but I do now.
He played a gay dude on the terrible, awful sitcom The War At Home and he was the best part of that show always.
How many dudes did he make out with, this is critical information.
I think zero, sadly. He had a crush on the main family’s straight son, which, ya know. Resonates.
Rami why
That last one just made my heart so happy it exploded.
Big ol’ nope to the hair pulling one. (At least in that context.)
I’m sitting at my desk with my head in my hands, trying to contain myself. MY LOVE FOR RAMI MALEK KNOWS NO BOUNDS WHY CAN’T I FIND A GUY LIKE HIM.
oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD
MY FEELINGS
A flawless deconstruction of his adorable grin.
“…getting that stupid shit-eating grin you know he knows destroys you. ”
I feel like 95% of this relationship would be him grinning at you like this and bickering while simultaneously being are grossly gentle and sweet with each other, and that is 100% what I look for in a relationship.
Wait. That was him in Night At the Museum? I had no idea.
He is deliciousness plus very talented. His teensy overbite is impossible to take your eyes off of.