Previously in this series: If Nigella Lawson Were Your Girlfriend
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d be mostly vegan, although Tilda says labels are for the uncreative. You’d marvel at her silo full of legumes, and the only meat you’d eat would be the brown trout that the twins catch on the banks of the firth. You’d feel guilty about that time at your parents’ house when Tilda ate—and loved—pork rinds, since you didn’t realize that she didn’t know they were meat. But, as Tilda says, “One must be prepared for anything while visiting the American Deep South.”
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she’d be pleased to loan you anything from her closet, even though nothing ever looks quite right on you and is always several inches too long. You’d try not to act like it was a big deal when Tilda showed you her old christening gown, which was woven before the Norman Conquest.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d always keep a bottle of Madeira on hand, just in case her dad stopped in while touring the estates. Everybody would call him “Sir John” except for Tilda, who would refer to him as “The Major General.”
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d spend weeks planning Christmas pantomimes for her with the rest of the family, although you’d usually get stuck painting John Byrne’s elaborate set pieces when Honor and Xavier wander off to fence in the garden. You wouldn’t care, though, because Tilda never looks more beautiful than she does when she claps her hands with delight, noting how well you shaded the winter lindens, just so.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d wait at the door with a hot cup of tea when she came up the walk from the back garden in the early morning light, glowing and smudged with dirt from picking purple-sprouted broccoli for the day’s lunch, and you would truly, finally, feel at peace.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, your favorite day would be Sunday, when all the boys drove into the village and the two of you tended the sheep together. In shearing season, Tilda would sing to calm the lambs while you carded their wool. You’d get really good at it. No, we mean really good.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, an albino peacock would begin to seem like a perfectly acceptable – in fact, optimal – pet.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d also have three Cairn terriers, each named for one of Derek Jarman’s given names.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you would be thrilled to help her weave a lengthy rope swing for her next performance art piece. She’d have trouble deciding whether to do it at the Guggenheim or the Mall of the Americas.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d get used to the Coen Brothers texting her “tilde” symbols at random moments. She would only take a second to nod before getting back to your Scrabble game.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she’d look you right in the eyes and say you were tastier than tobacco cream.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she’d call everyone “darling,” but you’d always know which one of you she meant by the color of her voice.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d find random crystals around your house and when you asked why, she’d reply, calmly, “Vortex points.” You would definitely feel sudden bursts of energy depending on which room you were in.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, your favorite color would be amber, because according to a mystic healer the two of you visited in Kraków, that’s the color of Tilda’s aura.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d never fight verbally, but If either of you felt a disagreement coming on you’d paint your feelings on a wall in various shades of grey and cream. By the time you were done, you’d be sprawled on the floor laughing, lovingly wiping the paint streaks off each other’s faces with a linen cloth.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you would eschew cosmetics. You wouldn’t feel the need to use a mirror either, but if you saw your own reflection, you’d smile in appreciation at the way your bare eyelashes glittered in the afternoon sun.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d lie in bed together on rainy mornings drinking Turkish coffee and reading Grimms’ Fairy Tales out loud from a first edition that was passed down to Tilda from a distant relative. You’d cackle at the overly violent stories, charmed by Tilda’s perfect German accent.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you would speak flawless French and your soufflés would never fall. Like, you wouldn’t even know that soufflés could fall.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d blush when she bragged to her friends about how quickly you mastered Vrksasana.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d realize at last that age doesn’t matter, and time is all relative – you would feel this acutely, deep in your soul. Even though your family might question your relationship at times (they are rather traditional), you wouldn’t be bothered, because you’d know that human connection is measured in so much more than years.
Tags: beauty, breanna rollings, jenny carlson, relationships, tilda swinton
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, David would come over for dinner on Thursdays.
Yes, that David.
There’s another?
This is the most peaceful I have ever felt in my life.
I know I say to myself “this is my favorite one” each time a new one comes out, this is the first time I’ve seriously considered having one of these printed and tucked into my nightstand so I could read it before bed. I feel indescribably content just reading it.
I’d like to suggest a companion piece :
“If Tilda Swinton Were Your Boyfriend.”
With lots of screengrabs from “Orlando,” please. Thanks in advance!
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she would occasionally tell anecdotes as if she’d been in character at the time for her role in Orlando or Only Lovers Left Alive. It would not take you terribly long to realize that art had imitated life rather than vice versa.
This is not that, but it is the already-existing piece I suggest everyone who even mildly liked this read: http://www.gq.com/story/tilda-swinton-woman-of-th…
I would never date a Polanski supporter-no matter how god like they might be.
My parents got a pair of peacocks once and instead of mating with each other and getting it over with, they squawked all night, calling out for other mates (at least until I threatened to serve peacock curry for dinner, at which point they were sold). I don’t know if the magic of the ~ would be enough to quell the screams of a horny peacock.
Not to get all heteronormative on you, but you’d really want to have one peacock and one peahen for that
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she would happily show you her baby pictures, which would require a trip to the British Museum and special gloves.
I didn’t think you could outdo the Alexander Siddig iteration of this, but there it is. Can I have both?
Yes, with Tilda Swinton as one of them, you could absolutely have both.
UNPOPULAR OPINION – I HAVE NO LOVE FOR TILDA SWINTON AND “If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d be mostly vegan, although Tilda says labels are for the uncreative” SOMEHOW DISTILLS ALL OF MY REASONS FOR IRRATIONALLY HATING HER.
OF -COURSE- SHE WOULDN’T BE INTO LABELS. OF -COURSE- SHE WOULD BE VEGAN.
“If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d find random crystals around your house and when you asked why, she’d reply, calmly, ‘Vortex points.'”
YOUR CRYSTALS DO -NOTHING- TILDA, NOTHING!
#HATER #I AM A HATER #NO REGRETS
If you want to lean into that hate, I am 100% here for it.
THE FUCK ARE YOU CARDING THE WOOL ON THE LAMBS? WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE NOT LAMBS, THEN SHEAR THEM.
YOU WILL TAKE MY ABILITY TO USE MY VOICE IN A FIGHT FROM MY COLD, DEAD, BLOODLESS HANDS, ~.
“If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d blush when she bragged to her friends about how quickly you mastered Vrksasana.”
OF -COURSE- TILDA WOULD BE PRETENTIOUS ABOUT YOGA AND I BET SHE’D PROBABLY TALK ABOUT YOUR ENERGY MERIDIANS AND HOW -WESTERN MEDICINE- IS LIKE, RUN BY BIG PHARMA AND ACTUALLY MAKING US SICK AND TILDA, GOD, WILL YOU STOP BASHING WESTERN MEDICINE IT ENDED POLIO, OK??? YOGA AND RAW VEGANISM WON’T CURE CANCER!!! THE GMO’S NEVER GAVE RATS CANCER! VACCINES DON’T EFFING CAUSE AUTISM!1!!!!1
She’s the mystical-er version of Gwyneth Paltrow, lbr.
Somehow I agree with all your objections and yet am still a puddle of swoon over this piece.
I actually really like Tilda Swinton, but 90% of the above scenario sounds really soul-crushing to me.
Embrace the hate!
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, your favorite color would be amber, because according to a mystic healer the two of you visited in Kraków, that’s the color of Tilda’s aura.
AURAS ARE NOT A THING. Why are you making me waste my money on visits to charlatans, Tilda?
You would ask her to tell you all about Spooky Action At A Distance over and over again.
Once again, I think it’s the eyes that suck me in. She is all weird magical angles.
“weird magical angles.” Best Description. (of THE SWINTON.) Ever.
TBH after the leading image I was expecting another spooky one.
You know, I’ve never exactly had a crush on Tilda Swinton — though I’ve never not been fascinated by her — but this? This made me practically collapse with yearning.
p.s. creeping hydrangea (brain like wet cake)
I am fighting to get inside my computer so I can live in this world
If you call someone ‘Sir John’, you immediately forge a link between that person and Falstaff, in the minds of all who hear. And this is not easily overcome.
I know nothing about Tilda Swinton’s father. Is the above at all fitting?
He is really truly called Major General Sir John Swinton of Kimmerghame. And he’s a WWII hero with only one leg.
His mother had the most fabulous name: Mariora Beatrice Evelyn Rochfort Alers-Hankey
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d spend your Sunday evenings mixing the potions and unguents that give Tilda that otherwordly glow. The best part of when she lets you have some of the dregs. But only the dregs. |”The world couldn’t handle you at your most potent, darling,” she’d said.
Thanks, The Toast, now I will never stop thinking about Tilda Swinton being my girlfriend. More than I already do, I mean. Take me home, Jesus, my work on Earth is done.
If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she would cheat on you repeatedly, crushing your soul and heart. And the world would love her for it, and publish her lifestyle choices in glossy profiles, and love her more for being so fearless. And so would you, because you can’t bring yourself to hate Tilda Swinton. Not Tilda Swinton, who looks at you sometimes, maybe, at breakfast.
I’ve had a crush on Tilda Swinton since she played Gabriel in Constantine (androgynous angel mis-behaves for the good of the world? HERE FOR THAT.). Plus Adam & Eve in Only Lovers? Serious relationship goals. I love everything about them and I have not had a suitable place to gush, so soz Toast you’re getting the brunt of it! I love that their relationship dynamic is one we never get to see in pop-culture, they love each other completely and there’s no conflict or drama pulling them apart, they trust their love enough that they can live apart when they want to but always return home to eachother when they need to. I really love that she’s the strong one (and the older one) and he’s the weak/emotional one, we never get to see that! Its always some big strong man trying to save his wilting flower girlfriend. Even the physical interactions between them, she holds him up, she cuddles him, he goes to her for comfort. LOVE IT ALL.
My rational brain says I’d hate her in real life; but she’s the epitome of what my mother and her friends wish they were, so it’d probably be like coming home. Plus my short stint in Steiner education gave me a love for carding wool, so relaxing!
Everybody would call him “Sir John” except for Tilda, who would refer to him as “The Major General.”
I REFUSE TO CALL ANYONE SIR ANYTHING. *snarls*
All I can do is make sad little sounds of longing in the back of my throat
A hair salon owner once compared me to Tilda Swinton. I’m tall and blonde, but the resemblance ends there. I have a distinct lack of magical angles.
It was clearly an attempt to butter me up so I would buy unnecessary over-priced hair products. It worked.
Tilda Swinton eats haggis. So … not vegan.
Back ages ago when Tilda was up for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar and everyone was like “wait, who?” (including myself because I had not yet seen Michael Clayton), I had a friend visit on the day of the awards. And this friend likes to gamble. And I had been reading copious opinion pieces on who would win and one — ONLY one random blog post — laid out every reason why Tilda would get the award. Without any knowledge of my internet searching, my friend announced that the odds were 10-1 against “someone named Tilda Swinton” in case anyone wanted to bet on her to win.
I did.
I made $1,000.
I have never had reason to tell the internet that before now.
If Tilda Swinton were my gf, I’d call her ~. I’d also spend time doing wonderful things with her feet.