The Main Differences Between Men and Women

by Jaya Saxena · February 23, 2016

Women mostly consist of small snails. Men are one 7-foot long slug.

Women have cats. A man has never had a cat. If you know a man who has a cat you must peel away his skin and boil it with lemon juice and three of the cat’s whiskers to reveal his home planet.

Men say “please” and “thank you” out loud, while a polite woman will always do so only with her eyes.

Men are from Facebook and women are from Twitter.

Men are great at breathing fire that consumes all it touches as it reaches skyward, signaling to all that he is Cacus, son of Vulcan, and he is unafraid of battle. Women can multitask.

Women’s hands tend to be colder because they are ice sculptures cursed to life. Over time a woman will revert to her original form, colder and smoother and stuffer, but at such a slow pace that a man never notices. Men are still just bags of meat and blood.

Men and women deal with things differently sometimes.

If a woman bathes in milk and rosewater her skin will begin to glitter pink and silver, and if she submerges her head she’ll hear her true love’s name. A man will just get sticky.

Men prefer butter on toast but aren’t totally against jam. Women are fine either way.

Women are better at developing lower body strength, even though most men have upwards of six legs.

If you ask a man to make latte art he’ll automatically make a heart, while a woman will make a swan.

Women are more likely to say “nice” after “69,” men after “420.”

Men and women understand “Damn, Daniel” equally.

Jaya Saxena is a Staff Writer at The Toast.

66 Comments

    1. typewriterandgramophone +103

      Presumably while some little tick pays them pennies of the venture capital he had no trouble raising for “a general interest website for women, because there aren’t any of THOSE.”

      #stillangryaboutthat

      1. firstmute +38

        I am incredibly proud of the fact that I have never visited that site. There have been some close click-through calls, but I’ve always checked the URL just in time.

        #stillangrytoo

        3. dameacademyalumna +6

          I don’t think I have ever visited it but if I did I would use adblock, which I don’t use on The Toast.

      2. rosemarybush +18

        I once clicked through and found myself there by accident, and I got mad all over again. Now I check religiously before clicking.

        Will. Not. Visit.

      3. Nashirakins +32

        I have no idea what you’re referring to, but it sounds like something I would be interested in throwing rocks at.

        1. typewriterandgramophone +38

          There is a website called “The Bustle” funded by the streak of piss on the pavement who ran “The Bleacher Report” because he thought women should have a website that talked about politics AND makeup. Because Jezebel and the Clutch and Autostraddle and the Hairpin and the xoJane sites and Madame Noire and the Gloss and a certain other blog are spinach or something. And all these rich dudes gave him millions and millions of venture capital.

          I never click on their links, either.

          1. Nashirakins +34

            Okay, so what you’re saying is I really need a lot of rocks. Thankfully, Missouri’s Department of Transportation is blasting into a hillside near where I live, and my husband knows a) where they dump the waste rock and b) how to successfully steal chunks without irritating anyone.

          3. oneclockworklemon +27

            Can someone confirm or deny that the Hairpin is still a functioning entity generating new content? Or is it just posting old stuff forever?

          4. mydonkeyfeet +16

            Ah thank you, I didn’t know either. Now I am reading about it here.
            https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2…

            “Men, to the best of my knowledge, don’t even read,” Goldberg said. “When’s the last time you heard a man say, ‘I’ve been reading this great book, you’d really like it’?”

            Oh man, THOSE guys. They’re like the ones on online dating who, in the section for “What’s the last good book you read?” would say “I don’t read books, but my favorite magazine is ___ ” or “I dunno.” Seriously? You haven’t read any good book in SO long that you can’t even think of ONE? Why is this stupid online dating site connecting you to me? (And then I discovered that I would rather be single forever than have to wade through any more stupid bros like that. Yay! And I lived happily ever after.)

          6. typewriterandgramophone +17

            I want seven million dollars to build a castle out of the bones of men who tried to buy women while still NOT GETTING IT.

    1. Zelenka +37

      Clarification: is each man a 7-foot slug, or is that all of them together? I’m okay with either, just wondering.

      1. dameacademyalumna +18

        I initially read that as each man being a 7-foot-slug by themselves but I actually think it might be all of them together. This is because each man is actually very tiny and made of gnomes.

  4. cincothechorizo +46

    my only objection is the implication that there is something about Damn, Daniel to ‘understand’.

    1. grumblyqueer +58

      And yet there is. Contrast “Damn Daniel” to “What Are Thoooooose-” the former personal, jovial, directed consistently from one friend to another in a spirit of compliments, truly a meme which enables hope for our memetic future; the latter impersonal, petty, with the intent to humiliate comrades and strangers alike in order to gain ephemeral approval from the Internet, a destructive meme which is well consigned to the wastebasket of meme history.
      Such is the Shoe Meme Discourse.

    2. RLT +23

      Don’t overthink it. It can’t be overthought. Just as with teenage boys, there is no nuance.
      I mean Daniel, damn. With the white Vans and everything. Damn.

  5. irreverantontheinternet +59

    “Men and women understand “Damn, Daniel” equally.”

    Which is to say, not at all? Because The Youths are entirely different species…

      2. irreverantontheinternet +5

        Yeah I’d seen the video but I still don’t get it… like all it take to go viral is to video some dudes basic shoes?

        I didn’t get the “get out me car!” one either though, perhaps I’m not meant for viral videos

        1. sluts4ever +2

          Yeah, it’s just a silly little diddy. I thought it was funny and watched it multiple times and said “Damn Daniel” to my friends in that voice for a while.

  6. Ivans_Sister +16

    Thanks to the Never Not Funny podcast, I always reply “Up top, my brother” instead of “Nice.”

  7. GreenGrasses +86

    Women have cats.

    …but I thought we just learned yesterday from the MRAs that women have dogs? For the sexing??? So confused now.

    1. irreverantontheinternet +106

      We don’t actually own the dogs, we just arrange intricate hookups for when we go out of town on business. If we actually owned the dogs, then men would be suspicious

    2. dameacademyalumna +25

      They’re actually cats that people mistake for dogs; I suggest a piece called “The Main Differences Between Cats and Dogs” so we can end this confusion.

    1. Es_Petal +31

      What with this and the fact that I can’t do twitter, I think I may be a man.

      This is a problem.

    2. Xolandra +12

      I came here to be like “Jaya, you need to do more Research, because in my house this is the opposite; am fine with only butter but will acquiesce to butter + jam, while GentlemanX lurves jam and eschews butter”

      I love you tho, Jaya.

  10. OncoMouse +26

    Bookmarking this for the next time someone tries to tell me that science proves that men and women are different, they just are.

  11. osutein +46

    “Women mostly consist of small snails. Men are one 7-foot long slug.”

    *whispers* I knew it.

  12. flying_ghoti +189

    I will never forget the day that I became a man. My father, his face daubed in the sacred woad, brought me before the elders of my village and I received the holy brand of masculinity. I was one of the lucky ones able to contain my scream as the hot brand seared my flesh; if I had not, I would have been exiled from the community until I was one and twenty, forced to live on my own in the darkest woods with no company but the beasts of the forest. At last, the moment of truth: I was given the toast and the sacred condiments and told to make my choice. As my father and uncles looked on, I carefully spread the butter atop the toast and bit into it as it crunched between my teeth.
    “You have chosen wisely,” the high priest told me, “though you can put some Spaghettios on too if you like.”

  13. aqwaplop +130

    “Men and women deal with things differently sometimes.”

    The rest of the article is obviously, unquestionably true, but I’m just not sure about this one. Seems made up.

  14. fishesinthetwee +30

    If the cat doesn’t deign to permit usage of her whiskers, do I use 3 of the man’s back hairs or???

    1. Es_Petal +16

      I think you need to collect the whiskers as the cat sheds them, so keep checking your sofa and carpets and build up a collection so they are always at hand.

      1. fishesinthetwee +5

        That requires so much time spent in the home of a man. But since my other option is maybe snagging male body hair, I’ll find a way to cope!

    2. dameacademyalumna +11

      Everyone knows that any worthy woman can get the cat will talk to her and offer her exactly 3 whiskers.

  18. Chance_Hale +46

    Men have a higher center of gravity, which allows them to reach escape velocity with less fuel expenditure. Women have a low center of gravity, which allows them to commune with erdgeists and balrogs.

  20. hannahfish

    Yeah I'd seen the video but I still don't get it… like all it take to go viral is to video some dudes basic shoes?

    I didn't get the "get out me car!" one either though, perhaps I'm not meant for viral videos

  22. frankie0darling +21

    Men are like rubber bands, preferring to stretch out by themselves for a while before pinging back to be close to you, whilst women on the other hand are like the triple-twined hemp rope taken from a gibbet in the dead of night, woven with a raven’s feather and certain secret herbs to ensnare the senses and wreak fell terror ‘pon their cowering enemies.

  25. pseudonymica

    I think I may actually be a man because once my (male) best friend and I tried a reportedly miraculous hair treatment that involved honey, and we both just got sticky. Generally, that is the results of my attempts at beauty-related rituals.