Things I Believe To Be True About Men Named Jonathan -The Toast

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  • You are a fool if you believe there is more than one man named Jonathan. There is one Jonathan living at the earth’s core, with many appendages.
  • Jason Schwartzman is not named Jonathan, but he is a Jonathan; you know this to be true
  • No one named Jonathan has ever died; each individual Jonathan, at the end of its particular experience, is repurposed by the remaining Jonathans. The number of Jonathans in the world at any given time never varies by more than five.
  • No man named Jonathan can hold a nickel in his hand. It always rolls away. This is the test of a true Jonathan.
  • There is one raven for every Jonathan on this earth.
  • All Jonathans have taken no fewer than four and no more than eleven karate classes
  • If every Jonathan were a spoke in a great wheel, the hub would be a sad old pigeon that cannot die, but wishes that it could
  • The pigeon’s name is not Jonathan
  • The pigeon forgot its name years ago
  • The pigeon has no use for your pity; the pigeon has no use for anything that does not serve the greater purpose of the Wheel
  • You will be crushed by the Jonathan Wheel
  • The Jonathans have no intention and the Wheel serves no purpose
  • The Wheel is ceaseless and the Jonathans are without end
  • Everything that was once not-Wheel will be incorporated into the Wheel after it has been destroyed
  • You will embrace your own destruction before your destruction embraces you
  • All now is The Wheel
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