Illustration by Marissa Maciel
Actually, this is my twelfth child.
Oh, I’m not her mother; I just walk her and make sure she poops, then take her home.
She has to fly on the plane with us, sorry. It’s in her contract.
Listen, I’ve read the books, subscribed to the newsletters, and bought the recommended sippy cup. Come back when you’re president of my kid’s Montessori co-op.
Her doctor said that thumb-sucking is the e-cigarette for babies weaning off of the breast, so we’re fine with it.
You know, I tried that once and the very next day some blogger wrote a hot take about it — no thanks.
We did consider leaving her at home instead of bringing her to the restaurant, but the last time we did that she locked us out and ordered thirty pizzas on my credit card. BABIES, right??
Yes, we tried feeding her. The crying didn’t stop and we also forgot to make a sign that said “we already tried feeding her.” Thanks, though.
Actually, this is my twentieth child.
He was wearing a sunhat, but we lost it on the motorcycle ride over here.
I’ll cut his hair when I know he’s ready: after he’s bagged his first werewolf, like his grandfathers before him.
We didn’t worry about the shots with this little one. The trick is to find the right vet with a big enough needle, and you’ve got four vaccinations done in one go!
Sorry they’re so noisy. The Omnipotent One doesn’t let us talk at home, so this is our big chance, right kids?!
Crying is the best way for him to get things, actually. If you were his parent, you’d know that.
But if I don’t let my kids boss me around, how will they recognize their superiority over everyone else?
Oh don’t worry. This isn’t my actual child, this is just the prototype.
I shouldn’t feed him this stuff? It’s all he’s lived off of his entire life. Now you’re telling me this?
Keep staring; tantrums are afraid of the human gaze.
Actually, this is my forty-fifth child.
Potty training? No, we’re not planning on starting that until it’s absolutely necessary. I mean, if you could wear a diaper all day, wouldn’t you?
He’s not a picky eater. This is just a bread-and-cheese cleanse.
I know breastfeeding is best, but all the good wet-nurses live in the city.
Of course I let them watch television; how else are they going to see their father, Cookie Monster, or their grandpa, Sir Topham Hatt?
Actually, this is my only child; the rest disappeared into the haunted forest behind our house. We really should think about moving.
I’m not a parent but I’m pretty sure my response would, “You’re so much better at this than I am!” I’d then hand the baby to them and run away screaming “WE DID IT, STAN! WE BAGGED A SUCKER!”
“I’ll cut his hair when I know he’s ready: after he’s bagged his first werewolf, like his grandfathers before him.”
My husband’s culture has customs around first haircuts that lead to a tonnnnnnn of people commenting on his “little niece” (who’s a boy). Sadly, there’s no werewolf customs.
These are A+ responses.
I got really excited that your husband’s culture bagged werewolves. Like they were in the Winchesters, or something. I need more coffee.
I always thought we’d have customs like that just because I read a lot of strange books of Slavic folklore when I was a child. Was very disappointed when they just took my baby brother to the barbershop one day. Incredibly anticlimactic.
Yeah, they do that in Judaism (well, in Orthodox Judaism at least) and I remember my older cousin’s first son got that a lot because they don’t cut their hair till the boys are three, and he happened to also have very thick, fast-growing hair, poor thing!
I know crunchy-type liberal Jews who do this as well. There are a lot of small babies running around my seminary at any given time, and right now there’s a one and a half year old boy with the best curly hair.
We do this. I kind of like my kids messing with the gender binary from day one.
We kept having people tell us we should cut bangs to keep our daughter’s hair out of her eyes. I always pointed out that that would require me to put scissors near my grabby toddler’s eyes, and to keep doing so on a regular basis to maintain the bangs. Too terrifying.
A former co-worker of mine grew his hair and beard while his partner was pregnant, with the plan to cut it all off when the child was born and save it for him/her. There was no religious or ethnic significance; it was just something the men in his family did.
“Son, in this box is all the keratin I extruded from my craniofacial epidermis as you were being knit together in your mother’s womb.”
“Uhhhh… thanks, I guess?”
I really wanna go on a bread-and-cheese cleanse now.
That was *exactly* my takeaway.
I think I’m pretty much already doing this.
I thought I was gluten intolerant for 3 years but it turns out the thing that made me sick in baked goods was egg (who knew) and in conclusion I have been on a bread cleanse since like December
it’s not all i eat but i do have a cheese quesadilla every week day. 10/10 would recommned.
One of my teacher friends just got back from a class trip to Italy on which a few of her students caused great consternation everywhere they went by refusing to eat BREAD, PASTA, OR CHEESE for the entire week. I was aghast. Not eating bread in Europe. NOT EATING CHEESE IN EUROPE. Ye gods.
“Actually, I’m not her mother, I’m just the goblin queen who abducted her one night.”
“I’m just delivering her to David Bowie”.
This now has a much more ominous undertone 🙁
“What babe?”
The babe with the power.
Keep staring; tantrums are afraid of the human gaze.
If only ALL unpleasant feelings shared this vulnerability, man. All I’d have to do is put a ton of mirrors around and my quality of life would be improved by about 1000%.
You probably wouldn’t get all these comments if you would just try babywearing/cry-it-out/an elimination diet.
Don’t be a xenophobe. You need to respect his Cry Culture.
a picture says a thousand words and if i ever become a parent, i will buy a million copies* of marissa’s illustration and pass them out to Well Intentioned Strangers
* maybe not quite that many because if i receive one million pieces of unsolicited parenting advice maybe i am doing something wrong?
Yeah I would draw a line around 20. But I am thinking about making t-shirts out of this illo.
I’d totally buy two!
Mary!!! 🙂
Oh goodness yes. Please.
I think it depends. I feel like I have received a million pieces of parenting advice and 99% of it is contradictory. My favorite is ” you should let her cry it out” vs. “NEVER let her cry it out; you are doing psychological damage”. I cannot possibly do both of those things at once.
But if several people you respect all give you the same advice, then yeah, you might need to at least consider.
Caveat: I have no children.
I read that the discrepancy between “cry it out/don’t cry” stems from different babies having different personalities. The “cry it out” ones tend to have a “Oh god this SUCKS!” blowout, then they can relax and conk out. The “don’t cry” ones are “I’m upset. Why isn’t anyone helping me? Oh god, I’m freaking out WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” and the trick (HA!) is figuring out where your own child is on the spectrum.
Good luck.
“Um, excuse me, I believe that when carrying a baby, the head is supposed to be the toppermost part”
Storing these for future ripostes.
Also, am going to be meeting up with a family member whom I already despise (she once looked at my engagement ring, a really awesome puzzle ring that I’d picked out, and went “what, no diamond?”) who now has a baby of her own, with whom I disagree with on every possible parenting issue, and I’m not sure what will be worse: should I stay silent in the face of all of her jabs or give her well-meaning yet wholly unwanted advice?
I misread ‘diamond’ as ‘dinosaur’ (“what, no dinosaur?”) – I was like: Oh be nice! No one who’s vocally disappointed in the lack of dinosaurs on your engagement ring can be that bad.
Why not make a book of all the unsolicited advice you’re ever gotten and give her that. Be like: “Just so you’re prepared. Some people think they can just say anything!” Cut her off at the pass without actually telling her to STFU?
I am now really disappointed I didn’t get a dinosaur engagement ring.
the google search for “dinosaur engagement ring” is delightful, btw. thank you.
You should become a human Comments Section on Every Parenting Article ever and become extremely sanctimonious about your parenting style in whatever the opposite direction of her is. Milo eats only organic gluten-free vegetables? Your baby is thriving on GoGurt and Cheeto dust. She believes sparing the rod is spoiling the child? You want your baby to understand the natural consequences of setting the cat on fire.
Upside: You don’t ever have to see her again after taking my advice!
I would save advice for instances of things that are definitely unhealthy/potentially fatal. If she’s trying to feed Cheetos to a 1 week old, speak up. If she’s just doing something annoying I would save my breath. She doesn’t sound like the type to take the advice anyway. If she’s jabbing at your choices I’d advise some version of telling her to shut up – as polite or rude as you feel like you can get away with
Some other options, other than ignoring, giving advice, or thebellewitch’s opposite option:
You could stare in rapt attention and ask for even more advice (you mean the grapes should be organic? should they also be free range? can they be cooked, or it necessary that they be raw?)
You could one up her own parenting (spare the rod spoil the child? oh, yes, you beat the child at least once an hour). (…. this only works if your child is not around).
You could deny having any child whatsoever (works if child isn’t there, if the child is very very young, or if child is old enough to play along).
In the case of at least one of my parents’ in-laws, my brother and I would have LOVED this game and played along as if our lives depended on it, so if your kid’s not old enough yet, trust that by the time they are, they’re going to feel the same way about what-no-diamonds family member as you do.
Of course, you’ll probably want to coordinate beforehand when that happens, especially if they’re really creative. (“Oh, um, yes, of course we’re well aware of Kiddo’s amphetamine use! I know, eight is a bit young, but you’ve always told us how important it is to let children make their own choices!”)
Give er the ol’ one-two. I bet you can sarcastic her out of ever wanting to talk to you about parenting ever again 😉
I’m sorry, the only acceptable response to another person’s engagement ring is “what a beautiful ring!” What no diamond, WTF.
I now call it my douche-meter because it identifies all the truly horrible people in my life (people who comment on the lack of diamond, people who only acknowledged my existence until they found out I was another man’s property…). Also, when I’m bored I have something to fidget with. 10/10, would pick ring again.
I have a vintage-looking ring with a sapphire as the center stone, hardly avant-garde, and while I’ve happily avoided most of the actively judgy nonsense, I have definitely gotten so much confusion about it. It’s not a three-inch-tall diamond solitaire? Are you sure you’re even allowed to get married? But a diamond is TRADITIONAL! (Comments like the last usually cause me to launch almost involuntarily into my DeBeers rant, which means that person typically doesn’t engage me in conversation as often in the future, so win-win.)
I have the DeBeers rant too! I didn’t get a lot of comments on the no-diamond thing, but I did get a lot of funny looks when people realised my engagement band was also my wedding ring. (We’re poor students, why should I get two rings and my husband only one, and I didn’t need any more bling.)
Do you include the term ‘blood diamonds’? Because you can really out-judgey with that one.
BTW, as a Canadian I would like to mention that Canadian Arctic diamonds are always marked with tiny polar bears as a warranty that they are not supporting warlords.
I too have a HUGE DeBeers rant! Blood diamonds, cartels, price fixing, and artificially cutting supply to manufacture demand are all gleefully shared. Go ahead, ask me about my opal engagement ring.
After our conversation, would you be willing to complete a brief survey on your experience with my baby?
Any rating less than 5 out of 5 will result in the baby being returned to sender.
I’d like to add you to my baby’s professional network on LinkedIn.
This is DIAMONDS.
The first four kids in my family are two boys and two girls. People were constantly telling my mother “now you can stop since you are even!” normally she just smiled and said something non-committal (there ended up being 6 of us) but one day I guess it was one comment too many and she turned on the lady who said it and snapped “thanks so much! I’ve been waiting for some total stranger to give me permission to stop!”
Best elevator ride ever.
That is amazing. My parents had three girls and a boy, and the number of people who sagely suggested they had just kept trying until they finally got that boy they had always wanted was staggering. Like…in front of us! We know what you are saying, you monsters! We may be only girls, but we are still capable of comprehending.
I don’t understand why people think that saying “oh, you finally have your boy now” to people is okay? Like, when my mom had my little brother, people kept saying that sort of thing to my dad, until he came home one day absolutely furious because he felt they were basically saying that me and my sister weren’t worth anything.
Stuff like that is how many Boomer dads became feminists.
I know people who’ve had the opposite: three boys and one girl. And of course they got the “you’ve finally got your girl!” (usually directed at the mom). It never occurred to me until now that the boys would probably get the impression that they were unwanted, which, of course they would.
I’d guess the desire for balance has to do with gender binary- of course the man would want sons, because he can relate to them and do man things with them (and girls are dumb and bad and can’t inherit the throne or whatever). Of course the woman would want daughters because she can relate to them and do girly things with them (and dream of when they will marry a rich strong man together). Blech.
Perfect. There’s nothing like being rounded upon by a mama bear to teach folks that it’s rude to comment on other people’s life choices.
Related: Fun With Baby’s Clubfoot, by Shaenon K. Garrity.
ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Love!
perfect answers to those roving bands of rogue grannies who know more than you do about babies
The perfect answer is “Huh, I guess that’s why infant mortality was so high in your day”
“She is 2.5 and has arms. OF COURSE she isn’t wearing a hat, lady.”
OMG those rogue grannies. When my kid was like 8 mos. old and refused to keep sunglasses/a hat on for more than 5 seconds, I took her to an outdoor art fair, one summer afternoon and some rogue granny felt free to yell at me “The sun is RIGHT in his eyes.” I was so irritated, I snapped back, “First of all, she’s a girl, and second of all, I KNOW.” My apparently rude response caused much consternation (as evidenced by loud clucking of tongues by rogue granny and her silent-but-clearly-judgmental granny friend.)
This is cute and all, but I find a simple and well placed “go fuck yourself” successfully shuts most of these interactions down. Especially with your mother-in-law. Try it and see. My gift to you.
I was recently informed that I am allowed to tell my grandmother that I have no interest in what her opinions are of my haircut or tattoos and the idea BLEW MY GODDAMNED MIND in conclusion opinionated older women are terrifying and it’s hard to remember that you don’t actually have to listen to them if you don’t want to
I have reached this point with my grandmother– now I just tell her to her face that I really don’t care what she thinks about my clothes or hair or life choices. Someday I hope that my own mother will also stand up to her.
Be sure to save a couple of those for the child itself, to be muttered under your breath at the height of your feeling of parental powerlessness.
I have actually done this repeatedly! And also with my mother-in-law the last time I talked to her, after she told me that I was too fat and it was unattractive and then asked me with a gleeful grin if she’d offended me. I use it all the time at rude old neighbor ladies (I live in a cold climate with a five-year-old-sized two-year-old who hates hats, has to travel everywhere by stroller because otherwise he’ll bolt, and who needs a pacifier at times to deal with his sensory issues. It’s like crack to them and I basically get inundated with self-righteous advice every time we go outside.) It’s been remarkably liberating. So far there are only upsides.
This is the ammo you need to never talk to MIL and never bring your child around her again. Just smile and say “Thank you, for solidifying a feeling I’ve had in my gut a long time.” pack your stuff and go. Inform your husband that you will no longer be communicating with his mother and you will no longer be visiting her or taking your children to visit her.
It’s so great he hit your kid in the face with that lego, it means his aim is strong and he’ll be ready to accept his War Shield when he reaches age next year. Yes, the Age of War is 4.
(I had already removed him from the room, talked to him about what happened, we had gone back so he could apologize, and we were just getting our stuff on to leave entirely.)
I feel pretty squicked about the “The Omnipotent One” though, as if that could be a real dynamic in an abusive domestic situation.
> I feel pretty squicked about the “The Omnipotent One” though, as if that could be a real dynamic in an abusive domestic situation.
Mmyep.
The concern trolling doesn’t even stop when you’re out without the baby. To acquaintances who would cry, “Where’s your baby?!!”, my standard replies were, “I left him locked in a closet with a book of matches and some razor blades,” or, [forehead smack], “Damn! I knew I forgot something!” Worked a treat.
I like the totally deadpan “what baby?” It works every damn time.
I hope inspired by Hark, a Vagrant?
What isn’t, TBH?
no, but could have been! definitely the same sentiment.
This goes along with “Are you bringing your baby with you on the trip?” Nope. Leaving her to fend for her own with the dog. She’s almost 9 months, that’s practically an adult.
Once or twice I’ve walked with an empty stroller to meet dad and baby in the neighborhood, and everyone’s always sooooooooo clever about it. “Hey you’re missing your baby.” Motherfucker how do you know I ever had a baby, this stroller is just great for carrying groceries.
When we were young and stupid we made the mistake of bringing the baby on the Metro North (never, never do this, it is hot and crammed and the bathrooms suck). To top things off, he chose that day to start teething and was screaming the whole way through. We were apologizing profusely to everyone and trying everything we could to get him to calm down. Then a lady came in from another car holding a jar of some dark liquid, claiming it was a “homeopathic remedy” and practically forcing us to shove it down the little guy’s throat. We shut that down quick. Screaming baby? Annoying as hell. Stranger pushing mysterious drugs on your baby? Fucking scary.
As a parent, I genuinely enjoy the sound of a screaming baby in public. To me, it is the sound that says: “My baby is not the one screaming in public. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm relaxing.”
Sometimes I worry it will give my baby Ideas though.
Exactly. My kid was a cranky-ass baby and now I’m all, “Not my kid, not my problem.” Folloed by a sigh of relief.
Seriously. 100% ahhh it’s not my problem this time.
15 or so years later, that’s still how I feel about it. (My teen is a fabulous kid who gives me almost no tsuris and plenty to kvell about, but he’s had a great pair of lungs since birth and he used them a LOT that first year.) It’s actually great, because I don’t get stressed or annoyed by crying babies. Though I can’t stop the urge to say softly, “It’s okay, honey, it’s all right.”
To the parents or the babe?
It was probably Scotch. According to my grandmother, it totally works for teething babies.
Last summer in Vienna, my then 7-month-old was in her pushchair, and pulled her sunhat down over her face and went to sleep. I saw an Austrian woman looking at us, and thought she was giving us an, “Aw, isn’t your baby cute” look, and smiled at her. Turned out, that was the signal she needed to demand, “Kriegt sie schon Luft?” (“Is she getting enough air?”)
I don’t know what kind of answer she expected- like I’m going to go, “OH YEAH, NOW YOU MENTION IT, SHE’S NOT BREATHING! Haha, whoops!”
Ugh. I am still upset 10 years later. My ex was working full time, and I was finishing up my dissertation from home around our firsts ( about 3 months old) nap times. I took him to the market to do shopping, and he liked to be hold around his chest looking out. He would often fall asleep like that.
A female security guard came up and told me how bad that was for him, etc. and told me a number of times.
“yes, you are right, I spend all day taking care of him, that you for the unsolicited advice, I will now change everything I do, as I am just a silly dad who has no idea what to do with my son. “
Ha ha ha ha ha ha prototype.
Pretty sure this is, actually, the prototype. We’ll work some bugs out in the next iteration.
My twin brother and I call each other “spare parts.”
I was a first child raised by first children, so my mom liked to joke sometimes that I was the burnt waffle that you get when you’re learning your new waffle iron.
My mother was the first of six, raised by loonies, and also the only dark brunette – she calls herself the tester pancake.
My friend gave her first child a name starting with “E,” and we joked that it was for “experiment” and the next one should be “control”…and then she really did give the second kid a name starting with “C.”
very good to keep track in this way!
The main piece of unsolicited advice I would get was when people noticed that I had an only child, and would let me know that it would be better for her to have a sibling. My husband was the author of our stock response, “we decided that instead of having a few so-so children, we’d just have one really good one.”
Stock response when we were married but hadn’t yet had children, to those strangers who felt strongly that we should reproduce: (with pained, sad expression) “I really hope we can.”
Stock response when I was visibly pregnant and with my husband, and people said stupid shit to him: “Well there’s like an 80% chance that it’s his so…” and my husband would finish brightly, “fingers crossed!”
Stock response when we were married but hadn’t yet had children, to those strangers who felt strongly that we should reproduce: (with pained, sad expression) “I really hope we can.”
That is awesome! When random strangers tell me to “smile” I always reply with a mournful look and say “my dad just died.” People shut up really quickly after that. I told my dad and he thought it was hilarious.
My boyfriend has a friend who’s in her 40s, but her voice sounds very youthful (like a child’s voice) over the phone.
She got fed up with telemarketers asking to speak to her Mommy or Daddy, so now she just wails “THEY’RE DEAAAAAAAD!” (They’re both actually very much alive).
Ha. I have a child-sounding voice as well (and am now a litigator in my mid-40s) and when telemarketers asked to speak with my mom (pre-do not call list), I would say “She lives in NJ. Do you want the number?”
Oh god.When I was ten or eleven I talked to a telemarketer after my father died, who asked for “Mr. [Lastname] (and who had never ever lived in that house). After a long, painful pause, I said, “He can’t come to the phone right now….”
As someone who is planning to have only one child, I will take that response to nosy strangers into my future arsenal.
It did serve to shut down the conversation. But just you wait! You might have twins or something, then you could have different unsolicited advice!
I am a triplet, and recently my dad did a project for his university course interviewing other parents of triplets and how their lives worked. There was a whole section on all the stupid stuff people like to say. (“You’ve got your hands full!” “Are they IVF?” My mother’s least favourite was “Instant family!”)
I’m planning the same thing. My aunt has one child and would tell nosy people (“oh he really needs a sibling!!”) that bringing him into the world nearly killed her, for real, so not happening. Shuts things down pretty quick. WTH is wrong with people?
I love your only child response! We’re like 85% sure that our daughter is going to be an only child, but I still feel miscellaneous pressure that we should have another one, ugh.
Well, do you have a really good one or just a so-so one? Because there’s your answer.
And where this idea comes from that siblings are a universal blessing upon a child’s life, I do not know. I don’t think the research bears this idea out.
So far, I like her lots, 😊 but also, it’s very hard and I keep think how much easier life would be with one kid. My husband and I are both only children, I personally love being an only child, husband a bit less so, and then I spiral into ‘is being an only child of two only children just doubling down on the loneliness potential’…
I need to stop overthinking, I have literal years to decide, my kid’s only 8 months old!
Since we’re offering unsolicited advice … I think it’s a wash either way. Sometimes you get best friends, sometimes you get worst enemies, sometimes you get two people who are utterly indifferent to each other. It does mean less per kid – less parent time, less money, less oversight … now whether that’s a good thing or bad depends on the parents, the bank account, and the kid.
But if you’re happy with one then why stress? Onlies are awesome and if one is your right number to raise then she’ll thrive.
That’s the thing, I know people with great sibling relationships, and also really shitty ones!
And I definitely think about end-of-life stuff too, since I’ll have to deal with that with my own parents (hopefully very, very many years down the track, or never, since my parents are clearly immortal) but at least I’ll have my husband to support me (and me doing the same for him). I have seen with my parents dealing with their own parents’ passing, that siblings can be both great and terrible in that situation :/
I think the importance of siblings (and uncles and aunts) is not so much during the growing up period (though it can be great — or terrible, i suppose) but later on in life, when you need family and parents aren’t necessarily alive or around (or are the ones who need taking-care-of).
But that is a very depressing thought, and despite its trueness I feel a little bad saying it to someone with an 8-mo.-old, sorry. I’m sure you’ll figure out what’s right for your individual family.
Ha! Siblings aren’t for each other! They’re to prevent parents’ having to be their kid’s only source of entertainment! 😉
This is not really “research,” but I’m the oldest of 3 and a lot of the only children that visited our house had problems with some form of sharing (not immediately grabbing the 1st slice of cake, taking turns on the GameCube, etc.) It was never that they were necessarily selfish, but it just didn’t seem to occur to them that this was something they had to think about. My freshman roommate was like this, and it drove me insane, because she was a very sweet and sensitive girl who just had NO IDEA how to share a bedroom.
That said, I also knew a lot of only children who were completely fine with sharing. Not every only child is constantly pampered/spoiled and given everything they want just because there’s no direct competition, you know? You can learn this at school or daycare or just by having parents who are too busy to devote every minute of their lives to you. Having siblings is a really good way to get used to the finite nature of Earth’s resources, and I think this is where the must-have-siblings things comes from, but it’s definitely not the ONLY way to learn this.
(N.B.-I really love my sisters and had a lot of fun growing up with them! Even though I know this post makes it sound like we were engaged in a grim Darwinian struggle over who got to ride in the front seat of the minivan.)
When I did karate, you could always tell who was an only child (or had a giant age gap between siblings) by how people reacted when they sparred for the first time. Those of us who grew up with siblings had absolutely no problem grasping the concept of “oh, definitely, you can get into a fistfight with someone you really like and still be buds afterwards.”
(I too love my brother, but we were definitely each engaged in a grim Darwinian struggle to keep the other one on THEIR OWN SIDE for most of our childhoods.)
Counterpoint: I had a terrible sibling and my childhood reaction to food was best summed up as “EAT IT ALL BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES.”
(My unasked-for feeling on whether kids should have siblings: parents should have the number of kids they feel comfortable raising, not the number Society says they should have, because Society is stupid.)
Um…I may have problems with sharing? Only food though, and I just don’t see why I have to share food that is mine, that I specifically bought for me (I’m still annoyed about my husband eating my Easter egg like two years ago because he had finished his own!)
My kid is going to have to go to daycare when she’s one though, which I never did, which does reassure me on the socialisation front!
Yo, child with multiple older half siblings who was raised pretty much as an only child here. Its the fucking best.
Its a bit weird for me to have siblings that I should be really close with, but I’m not because we were raised separately, and some of them are really close; and in general I find close sibling relationships a bit weird (Like what do you mean you talk to your sister every day? Don’t you get bored?), but I’m from a weird family where we’re none of us are super close and I like being able to choose who I spend time with instead of having to be around people out of familial obligation.
Your daughter will be fine, there’s plenty of opportunity for socialisation as a kid between school and activities and neighbourhood kids, and she’ll learn how to be comfortable on her own, which is a good skill to have; and hopefully she’ll learn that you have to go out of your way to spend time with people and make them your friends, instead of just expecting people to be around constantly (Sorry, but people with loads of siblings are the worst loud as fuck extroverts ever. /hyperbole)
I’m an only child and it pissed the hell out of my mom when people called me her “first” (she’d firmly correct “only”) My dad used to say some variation on “Why have more when we got it right the first time?”
I like this! The old ladies who accost me and give me unsolicited advice regarding my toddler literally every time we go outside (I live in an Eastern European neighborhood) are always asking why I only have the one (stress-induced secondary infertility) and telling me I should have more (I want to but haven’t been able to and it’s none of their damn business and is also devastating). I’m going to try your response next time!
If I end up with just one kiddo, I REALLY hope I get some only-child static from people, because then I can look them dead in the eyes and note that I’M an only child. The back-pedaling will be SO GLORIOUS.
My husband is an only child, and when I point this out to the advice-givers it only fuels their flames, amazingly! They get all like, “oh, so he must know, then! How sad life is!” or, “Oh so he doesn’t know how great it should be – but you do, sibling haver! So overrule him!”
Weird weird weird. As always, people are talking about themselves, not you. Even in this thread, I see it somehow became anti-only child there for a few posts.
I have a sibling I love very much, but due to his stuff he will ultimately be an additional responsibility to me, not someone who will help to share family responsibilities. My friend’s siblings range from best friends to rapists (well just the one rapist, but still). It’s just not true that giving my daughter a sibling would be only good. I totally appreciate the pro-sibling argument but my hackles raise at the anti-only sentiment that is often inherent in it, because when I hear “all the only children I know have x undesirable quality” I feel defensive about my only child.
I don’t even have or want children, but I want to use these on people….
The bulk of the unsolicited advice we’ve gotten has been in foreign languages with accompanying gestures, mostly related to the kid’s discarded mittens. It’s hard to come up with a witty rejoinder to that, and also I want to befriend them so I can get Eretrian food from their church eventually.
Good thinking. #longgame
CHRIST THE MITTENS! YOUR CHILD HAS LOST THEIR MITTENS THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD. =all grandmothers thinking (also relates to hats)
One of the things that cemented my desire never to have children is the stunning amount of bullshit people are willing to say to absolute strangers. It puts far too much stress on my belief in nonviolence.
The vast amount of stranger stuff is really nice and friendly, but that doesn’t make for good comment thread stories.
Me too! I mean, there are many, many reasons why I am very pleased to not have children in my life at all times, but for sure the bullshit Judgy McJudges-a-lot culture that surrounds parenting is way up at the top of my list. Who wants any part of that? And when did it become okay to stick your damn nose into other people’s business?
Seriously, I’m curious about this: have parents always been shit-heads to each other, or is this a relatively new development in our society?
I think 21st century people have somehow lost the ability to mind their beeswax. BUT ALSO I think a hundred years ago there was more of a mechanism for passing down traditional practices and knowledge, plus most people came from larger families that stayed closer together geographically, so there wasn’t this apparent need to advise every ding-dang person you encountered? So if you were the oldest daughter, you both observed and helped with the raising of your younger siblings. And the younger siblings observed and helped with the raising of their sister’s kids. Or whatever. I’m sure well-intentioned but nosy yentas have existed since the dawn of time, but.
Always have been. I’m sure there are ancient cave paintings verifying this, but they have been misinterpreted as “hunting” or “gathering wood” instead of “badgering new mother regarding parental choices”
Well, it used to be vastly more acceptable for strangers to discipline children out in the wild, so the locus of control has shifted. And the bizarre conviction that parents are solely responsible for a child’s behavior and fate, and can actually control the child (like, make her stop crying on a plane), has expanded. (It is only people who don’t have children who think you can MAKE them do a thing they don’t want to through sheer virtue and authority, and that the only reason children are little shits sometimes is that you say yes whenever they whine.)
I suspect that people kibitzing each other’s infant care has been around since the paleolithic, though, and that it is adaptive, if infuriating and excessive. It seems to be a biological need of tribal elders to insist on hats.
Hats are the only thing that keeps infants alive donchyaknow, gotta keep that fontanel covered or it will explode spontaneously. We’ve just lost that knowledge in our modern consumerist society so it’s vitally important that grandmothers remind us at every available opportunity.
FWIW I have only gotten well-intended unasked-for advice once, on an airplane when my baby was screaming and I was struggling to unhook my bra so I could get a boob in her mouth and the guy behind me helpfully suggested I feed her because her ears might be popping. He backed off immediately when I said, through gritted teeth, “I’m working on it.”
Some regions are worse than others on comments by strangers, but the parents being dicks to each other is largely an internet phenomenon more than a real-life one, in my experience.
My kids will ________ themselves when they decide they’re [GENDER] enough and I’m not going to coddle them until then. Otherwise they’ll end up like you.”
My mother got fed up with “oh, are they twins” questions so she started saying “no, they’re three months apart” and escaping in the confusion.
…. Wait. Wait.
Your mother is a genius.
My grandmother’s mom died when she was young. She had a best friend who’s mom was single and the two parents met … both girls were redheads in an area where that was rare and otherwise looked enough alike to pass as siblings and apparently, to their dying days, loved telling others that they had a sister four months older/younger than them.
Turns out, the longest interval between twin births is 87 days, so that’s technically possible!
Interestingly, I have met a guy who was a triplet, but for some health reason, he had to be removed by C section a month or so before his siblings, who were able to stay in the womb until the normal birthing time. So they were triplets…but also a month apart. It was weird.
It’s not a baby, it’s an organ farm.
“It’s actually been found to be abusive to make an infant sleep in a crib all night.”
How’s my parenting? Call 1-800-503-STFU.
I need this on a t-shirt…
I love the wet-nurse one!
Mine, when people are giving me the stink eye over the tantrums, fighting, mischief, or general noise level (outside, in a park or other totally appropriate place for children):
” I have just one word for you: Condoms.”
My mum liked to tell the story of when she was in a supermarket with myself and my brother, both of us very little, both of us kicking off spectacularly, and an old lady walked past and audibly tutted. Her response was to say ‘if you think you can do a better job, yOU HAVE THEM’ and push the buggy at her.
While calling that particular bluff could have had Consequences I still think it’s pretty badass.
One time I was in the park with a a friend. We both had our 6 month olds with us. It was about 75 degrees and partly sunny. And then this…this manchild, his Che Guevara shirt draped around his shoulders like a mantle of unexamined privilege, comes up and says “it literally hurts me to see those babies without hats.”
My friend smiled sweetly and said “I can show you the correct meaning of ‘literally’ in that context.”
+100 points for “a mantle of unexamined privilege”.
For anyone annoyed by screaming children, I recommend taking Boston public transit regularly. (Probably any public transit, but I can only speak to Boston.) After a couple months’ exposure to Rilly Rilly Loud College Kids, WOOO SOX WOOOO Drunkensteins, That One Couple Who Thinks We All Need to Hear Their Fight, and High Volume Creepy Muttering Guy, upset kids seem downright soothing and/or adorable.
I love these! Whenever I am out without the kids, and people ask that stupid question “where are your kids” I usually say “Who cares? Not here thank fuck!!”
Love this–wish I’d had these lines ready when my kids were babies. (How about writing the version for unsolicited comments about your teen? Like “You think her hair is blue? You know, seeing blue is a sign of a brain tumor–you might want to get that checked out.”)
Yes those are multiple holes in her face. No its not fashion, it’s part of the initiation ritual sent down by our alien overlord.
Please respect our beliefs.
Hats are the only thing that keeps infants alive donchyaknow, gotta keep that fontanel covered or it will explode spontaneously. We've just lost that knowledge in our modern consumerist society so it's vitally important that grandmothers remind us at every available opportunity.
Yes those are multiple holes in her face. No its not fashion, it's part of the initiation ritual sent down by our alien overlord.
Please respect our beliefs.
I’m a fan of prolonged eye contact. Most of the time, it’s because I’m completely dumbfounded by the nonsense coming out of this woman’s mouth, but something about a long look makes people shut the fuck up and not prolong the conversation.
Once or twice I've walked with an empty stroller to meet dad and baby in the neighborhood, and everyone's always sooooooooo clever about it. "Hey you're missing your baby." Motherfucker how do you know I ever had a baby, this stroller is just great for carrying groceries.
Okay, now I kind of want a Canadian diamond on my eventual engagement ring, even though I'm actually kind of totally unenthusiastic about diamonds. But polar bears.
Everyone seems to have the perfect parenting golden nuggets to offer to anyone who cares to listen.
I was polite when I had my first child and tried to listen. Now, I’d just mutter something like ‘oh? yea…’ and do my own thing.