dog is my co-pilot
Best. Opening. For. A. Bear. Longread. Ever.
The first bear appeared in town one morning in late August. It was a little after eight, and Nikolai, an elderly pensioner, had just come out to walk his cat.
The cost of closing the “Mississippi Burning” murder case:
On June 21, 1964, three young men volunteering to register African Americans voters during Freedom Summer were murdered by members of the Ku Klux Klan and police after they began investigating the burning of a local church. Over half a century later, one day before the 52nd anniversary of the deadly attack on James Chaney, Andrew Goodman, and Michael Schwerner, the Mississippi attorney general declared the case officially closed.
tfw your mom signs you up for a cult:
The breaking point was earlier tonight. I started getting phone calls from the program, asking me personal questions that I felt were not necessary for a series of pep-talks over a week-long period. The man on the phone wanted to know my biggest insecurities, promised me the world, and basically said I was destined for this program and that they ‘needed me’. I jokingly told him he sounded a lot like someone recruiting for a cult and I was met with nervous laughter.
So I looked up the name of the program online, you might be able to guess it but let’s just say it happens to share the first name of a republican that ran against obama in 2012. Besides the official website for the program, all the articles were about how it’s a very dangerous cult and a pyramid scheme and it’s even been convicted by the US government under a different name. So what do I do? How bad are cults like this, and is it my place to tell my mom that this is crazy? I don’t want to take away a major source of happiness away from her, but it seems like this is a program that takes and takes forever until people are broke or have nothing else in their life 🙁 Gosh dangit, she’s usually so smart and reasonable, but religious fanatacism runs in our family and I don’t want to lose my mom over this.
Tl;dr: my mom signed me up for a “spiritual camp” which turned out to be a quasi-cult initiation. Her new lifestyle (new friends, surge in happiness, increased community involvement) costs thousands of dollars and she’s a single mom putting two kids through school. What would you do?
you do not know what poison is, sir:
I’ve been living with a man for seven years. We’re both divorced. He has two kids, 26 and 16 years old, and I have none. I have a nice nest egg in the bank. “Tim” was in the process of going bankrupt when I met him, and I figured, I love him; he’s been through a lot; why shouldn’t I help support him and his kids? He works and is well-paid, but things are tight for him owing to child-support payments. Fast-forward to now. I pay the mortgage, I pay the car payment, I pay the condo fee and the homeowner’s and car insurance, and I usually pay when we go out to dinner. I’ve paid thousands in school tuition and dental bills for his older kid. I am paying for a three-week trip to Europe that Tim and his 16-year-old and I will be taking soon. It drives me crazy that he never says, or seems to feel, things like, “Thank you for all you do for me and my family.” His position is that gratitude is poison to a relationship. My feeling is that Tim isn’t doing our relationship any good by seeming to take for granted what I intend as kindness and generosity. Can you bring one or the other of us around so that he doesn’t feel like a toady but I don’t continue to feel taken advantage of?
Yanai is keen to show me his menagerie. His prized specimen is Boo, a boar named for the sound, in Japanese, that a pig makes. After the Fukushima disaster, wild boars came down from the mountains and roamed the evacuation zone, tearing up gardens and ransacking houses. They can still be seen in Naraha, trotting along the road at night. Boo is the size of a small, snaggle-toothed dog. He snorts and gnaws at Yanai’s shin. “They’re not very friendly to people,” says Yanai, shooing the pig away with his foot. “But I’m determined to make him my pet.”
Black Nerd Problems is where I get all my news now:
It’s time for the parlay outside of Winterfell and everyone is filling their roles. Sansa is pumping herself up, Jon is barely holding it together and Ramsay is being the absolute worst. Ramsay wants an all out surrender, for Sansa to be returned, and for these cats to kneel before the true warden of the North. Jon is like, naw, fam, let’s settle this on some mano-e-mano shit. Ramsay is like… hard pass. Fuck I look like giving up my strength just so you can flex in front of your wildlings and 10-year old lords. Speaking of which, Lady Mormont was not here for this fuckboi shit. She staring through Ramsay’s entire soul.
this guy (his wife DID NOT KNOW, BY THE WAY):
Ari Nagel, who has an underground sperm distribution system well-documented by The New York Post, isn’t actually the kindly jizz benefactor we’d all thought we’d finally found.
It turns out there are no good men masturbating in public restrooms to help women. On June 12, an article about Nagel showcased his generosity, explaining that he’s sired 22 children by giving away his seed. Sometimes he even very graciously had sex with women in same-sex couples, but it’s not how it sounds, okay?
living the actual dream (going to see Celine Dion in Vegas):
At Caesar’s Colosseum will call, a group of women in their 70s waiting in line behind me groused about the very short skirts of the college-age women standing with their parents in front of me. “Ridiculous,” they said. If I’d taught them the word “THOT” they would have been like “Great, we will use that all the time, won’t we, Debbie?”
The college-age women marveled at the photographs of Celine. “She’s 48 and she still looks, like, good,” one expressed, astonished. Her friend said, “I know, wow, it’s amazing, she’s been around forever!” I wanted to ask them what they expected an extremely rich, attractive 48-year-old woman to look like. A broiled steak? The inside of Keith Richard’s asshole? But I said nothing. I looked at Celine’s serene face and I felt love for all these people.
On Monday night, the Trump campaign filed its monthly Federal Election Commission campaign disclosure report for May. The headline was that his fundraising was anemic and he finished the month with just $1.3 million on hand, a pittance for a presidential nominee.
But buried in Trump’s 1699-page report was something much weirder. The Trump campaign made $35,000 in payments to an entity called “Draper Sterling” for “web advertising.” Three $10,000 payments and one $5,000 payment were placed on the campaign’s American Express card on the same day.
Yay link roundup!
OT, and possibly gauche, but has anyone been over to the newly-suffused-with-Medium-life Hairpin dot com recently? I’ve been enjoying the writing. Toastie thoughts?
I just went over there yesterday, and it looks promising! I hate the Medium layout though, and it looks like the comments are a ghost town. (Maybe due to terrible Medium layout?)
The Medium aspect is the main reason I am not all over it. The writing has been good, so far. I plan on making it my new internet hang out. When Medium arrived at the Billfold I felt like the quality dropped pretty fast, so I am a little suspicious.
I’m still just a tiny bit salty that all the ancient comments at the Hairpin were wiped off the face of the internet when they intro’d the Medium layouts.
noooooooooooo
🙁
I think they had actually been wiped off the face of the earth long before that. 🙁
SOURCE: Myself, because maybe I used to search my username and read over old Hairpin threads and Miss Havisham it up on occasion, okay? Don’t judge!
The loss of the 1000+ comment thread on the immortal Saga of Bob and Eli post stings to this goddamn day.
THEY DELETED ALL THE COMMENTS FROM THAT TIME NICOLE POSTED ABOUT A BOOK CALLED “GOD’S DOODLE” AND EVERYONE STARTED REPLACING A WORD IN FAMOUS FIRST LINES AND QUOTES WITH THE WORD “PENIS”. That was truly the best thing I’ve ever experienced on the internet. This must be how the Alexandrians felt when their library burnt down. AND WHAT ABOUT OG MALLORY AND GHOST AND EVIL MALLORY?
My god. That penis thread truly was greatest thing I have ever seen on the internet. I laughed so hard at that thread for HOURS that day. I cried actual tears of laughter.
I think that thread was Peak Hairpin.
My favorite thing ever on the internet was when AV Club commenters wrote an entire episode of “Law and Order”:
http://www.avclub.com/article/sam-waterston-will-…
I have been reading but I can’t login to Medium on my work computer so I rarely comment. I have to use my phone and somehow that’s always the moment my boss walks past my desk.
I keep forgetting to check the Hairpin, but just went over and read this, which is really wonderful but also please @ us next time? (The Toast gets a shoutout so they kind of do, actually.)
ETA also related to that article, if anyone wants to talk about Neopets as a proto-safe-space I am here for you
I played neopets for soo long but I was mostly there for the games (and left when all the games turned into advertisements). I don’t have many memories of the community 🙁
They had a “Writer’s Forum” that was formative for me. Incidentally, also where I learned about slash fiction.
Me, too! Oh, I used to spend so much time in that forum.
Oh my gosh I wonder if we chatted! I don’t think I remember any usernames anymore, though. Good times.
I don’t remember usernames, either, alas. Man, I used to love those really elaborately-constructed roleplay threads, too. Good times indeed.
I’m enjoying that it is back! But do not understand Medium at all, and am not all that eager to try to learn.
I used to love The Hairpin and do check the site out every now and then. It’s how I found The Toast. The Medium platform isn’t my problem. There still isn’t much content.
>The Trump campaign made $35,000 in payments to an entity called “Draper Sterling” for “web advertising.” Three $10,000 payments and one $5,000 payment were placed on the campaign’s American Express card on the same day.
I mean obviously a prostitute, but what does 35,000 dollars buy you in sex work these days?
In most cases I would be morbidly curious, but considering the man involved, this is one case where I truly do not want to know.
All I can think of right now is the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’s assertion that “The American Express Card is not accepted anywhere in the known Universe.”
Apple Pay I assume. But yes I was wondering about finding sex worker that takes AmEx.
Whatever it is, one time they only did half of it. My mind hurts trying not to imagine.
The second escort didn’t show
staaahp
My head immediately went to Mad Men, so…
I’m really hoping it’s Matthew Weiner trolling the Trump campaign hard.
It feels more like a Cohen Brother’s plot than anything else. Like, who would name something that obvious? I just imagine all these greasy men laughing about how clever it is, thinking about their millions…which are actually quite paltry.
You do this kind of thing to buy anonymous negative ads that the candidate can deny placing, though $35,000 wouldn’t buy a lot.
It AMAZES me how little effort many people put into names for their front companies. I think that there’s an “I won’t get caught” arrogance to even creating a front company that spills over and drowns even basic attempts at concealment.
> though $35,000 wouldn’t buy a lot.
That’s the thing: $35,000 isn’t actually enough to do advertising. It’s the sort of thing some one comically out of touch would throw out.
“Yeah we’ll run an ad against her during the Superbowl, here’s some money, what do you need about 30? 35 thousand? Thats a thousand a second that should be enough right?”
Well, not TV ads, but $5000 buys a targeted mailing to thousands of households, so you could get a few of those. What’s the timing of the payment?
I don’t remember where I saw this link BUT PROBABLY SOMEWHERE ON THE TOAST BECAUSE IT IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS [sob], but this goes into the real story, which is a hot frakkin’ MESS.
ThinkProgress: The Weird Story Behind The Trump Campaign’s $35,000 Payment To ‘Draper Sterling’
So the Toastie Slack took a weird turn this morning which resulted in me googling Donkeys In Flower Crowns, it did not disappoint, and then I came up with elaborate back stories for them….
So I made a tumblr http://flowercrowndonkeys.tumblr.com/ (after some prodding.)
Petunia, Ollie and Posey will hopefully make an appearance soon.
You are a hero, and HOW do I join toastie slack??
Thank you. There’s an email that I’m sure someone excellent will pop in with soon
email ppyajunebug at gmail and ask to join us!
ppyajunebug at gmail.
just to check in, there’s, like, a backlog of toasties waiting, right? I sent a request and I don’t wanna be like “are we there yet? are we there yet?” but I’m also anxious!
I just received the email link to join yesterday. There is a hero among us, working to add everyone. Must be overwhelming!
There are a lot of people and also she has a day job 🙂
thank you!
This speaks directly to my interests, SQUEE
I just read that Tumblr and it is brilliant. Please keep it up?
I do not want to be cruel about another person’s face because that’s low and beauty is impossible to define but where are middle Trump brother’s eyebrows? Why is his mouth so wet and punchable? Why does he look like a bedraggled hawk came to life and decided to make his hair moist and greasy?
But what if I told you the Trump offspring weren’t technically “people,” in the human sense?
I would probably be quite open to describing them as lizard people.
I think that’s the only theory that explains it adequately.
Albino wolf?
He looks like a corpse that crawled away from his own viewing to support Trump.
Well that’s beautiful and poetic.
straight up haven’t laughed out loud at a comment I read on the internet in days, this one was my breaking point. holy shit.
Even if we’re avoiding comments on their faces, the Gordon Gekko 80s hair gel is inexcusable.
I feel like they all have some kind of inherited disorder where their hair grows out of their heads at angles that defy physics and human comprehension
I can’t tell if you’re joking, but I think it actually is true: http://qz.com/575952/a-hairdresser-explains-why-d…
I was joking but now I’m fascinated. Surely there are better ways to handle that?
This makes me sad because it means that:
1. George Clooney and Donald Trump have something in common,
2. I and Donald Trump have something in common.
Very sad indeed.
That hair, though. It upsets me.
It’s awful. I do not understand why so many men dump a bucket of gel on their hair every day. It’s not good. I’ve actually told friends to stop before, which they didn’t take super well, but I did see a reduction.
You are doing good work.
Somehow she manages to be both funny-looking and beautiful, but they just stopped at funny-looking.
It took me awhile to figure it out but I realized just now that Ivanka totally looks like the beautiful women in Batman: The Animated Series brought to life. Poison Ivy more specifically, but I think there’s a friend of Selina Kyle’s who looks even more like her. http://batman.wikia.com/wiki/Poison_Ivy_(DC_Anima…
this pairs well with my comment about Poison Ivy’s clones! I think we’ve got a conspiracy theory going.
Oh my goodness yes it does!
Failed clones. Ivanka may–may, I said–be an exception.
That’s perfect! Ivanka might be a successful clone of her mother. I could see that.
Oooh does this mean they’ll start to deteriorate soon?
“I like pizza, Steve!”
OMG, someone else who has seen that movie! I love Michael Keaton.
I still say to my sister sometimes, “I like pizzAH.” No one ever understands.
You mean they haven’t already?
ooh, they are LITERALLY those plant clones Poison Ivy made in that one BTAS episode, House & Garden:
they even have the same hairstyle! QED!
“All of these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain, or my dad’s casinos.”
The Trump doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it.
I am DYING at your comment but this is exactly how I wanted to go out, thank you
Awww, thank you! If we can find a Red Priest from GoT I’ll totally chip in for your resurrection.
His face is really upsetting. It would probably be less upsetting if he hadn’t chosen a hairstyle that perfectly highlighted every single flaw and turned it up to 11. It’s the Picture of Dorian Gray of hair.
Right? When your hair is thinning like that and you’re blond, you just need to keep it real short. It’ll look fine that way. But pretending that we can’t see your scalp beneath it if you apply enough gel? No, sir. I see right through your lizard person wig.
Vampire Boris Johnson.
Vampire Gary Busey, that’s what I meant.
All I have to add to this beautiful set of comments is that there is a word in German (because of COURSE there is) that means “a face that looks like you’d like to hit it” – “Backpfeifengesicht.” I usually use this term to describe my frankly horrifying governor Scott Walker, but it is equally apt to use it to refer to Trump.
(You can also say he has “‘ne Fresse zum reinhauen,” if you want to be less one-word-poetic.)
I stopped watching GoT last season (because I am more emotionally stable when I don’t watch :P) but I am still deeply invested in the stories, and Black Nerd Problems is THERE FOR ME.
I was so angry that the bad-ass Mormont women had been basically left out of the show( yes, let’s listen to Jorah be “that guy” for 5 seasons instead)! They were so awesome in the books, and the youngest one telling Stannis to (basically) “fuck off” had to be one of my favorite moments. I wonder if they are adding them in now because they might be more important than previously thought? Come on, Bear Women!
Those recaps give me life
So glad to know I’m not the only one who gave up on the total balls-to-the-walls fuckery of the show but still religiously keeps up with recaps
I did this with True Blood! Stopped watching after Season Five (the birth of Bilith) but kept reading io9 recaps every Monday morning.
Thank you for this brilliant summary of my precise feelings 😛
Today in (Feminist) History! [Archive]
On this day in 1813, Laura Secord walked 20 miles (32 km) through American-occupied territory to warn British forces in Canada of an impending attack by American forces. While perhaps little known elsewhere, in Canada her story is much better known, to the point of becoming almost like a legend. There have been books, poetry, and plays written about her, and she was given a number of honors including stamps and coins, a statue, a museum, and a school named after her.
She was the first child born to Thomas Ingersoll and his wife Elizabeth Dewey in the Province of Massachusetts Bay in 1775. She was followed by three more daughters, the third of which was given up for adoption to an aunt. Two more wives, one step-daughter, and four more girls and three boys followed. Thomas, who was a major in the army, eventually became weighed down by the persecution of Loyalists and the economic conditions following the Revolutionary War. After meeting with the Mohawk leader Joseph Brant in 1793, he traveled to Upper Canada and petitioned for a land grant, which he received on the condition that it be populated by other families within seven years. The Ingersoll family moved to Oxford-on-the-Thames (later known as Ingersoll, Ontario) in 1795, though after failing to fulfill the conditions of the contract they lost the land and eventually moved to Credit River (near where Toronto is now) and ran an Inn until Thomas’ death.
When the family moved, Laura remained in Queenston and married James Secord, a wealthy man whose family originated in France, after five “D’Secor” brothers fled the persecution of Protestant Huguenots and settled in New York, where they founded New Rochelle and changed their name to Secord. Laura lived with her husband in a house in St. David’s, with a first-floor shop, and she had five children, four of them girls. Her husband James served in the 1st Lincoln Militia when the War of 1812 broke out. When he was severely wounded in the fighting, Laura rushed to his side; some stories (possibly embellishments) claim she found three American soldiers readying to beat him to death and begged to save his life. Whatever happened, they returned home, where Laura nursed her injured husband back to health and in time, amassed a collection of American soldiers who were billeted in their home.
It was on the evening of June 21st, 1813, that she overheard the American plans for a surprise attack on British troops; how she heard it isn’t officially known, though it is speculated she overheard conversations between the U.S. soldiers billeted in her home. With her husband still recovering from his battle wounds, Laura herself left her home early the next morning and walked the 20 miles to warn Lieutenant James FitzGibbon. Her journey took her from present-day Queenston, through St. Davis, and the Niagara Escarpment (currently under possession by the Americans), until she arrived at the camp of Mohawk warriors allied to the British troops. The warriors lead her to FitzGibbon’s headquarters, where she passed along her message so the troops could ready for an attack. Despite the fact that it was her message which lead to the warning needed, and to the British force and Mohawk warriors winning the Battle of Beaver Dams, Laura was not mentioned in any reports immediately after the battle.
Her life following the war was unfortunately plagued with poverty and other strife, especially after her husband died in 1841. She was supported by better-off members of her family, and eventually moved to a cottage with her daughter Harriet (and her two daughters) and Hannah (and her two daughters), both of whom had been widowed. Despite numerous attempts at petitioning the government for acknowledgement of Laura’s deeds, they continued to be unsuccessful; the only official recognition she ever received was from the Prince of Wales, who heard the story and sent £100 to Laura when she was 85 years old. She died at the age of 93, in 1868, and was buried next to her husband. Her grave is marked with a monument that details her 20 mile walk during the War of 1812. Numerous (male) historians have since questioned her story, attempting to say that it was a myth and that she contributed nothing to the Battle of Beaver Dams, despite first-hand claims from Lietenant FitzGibbon. However her legacy lives on, made famous in the 1880s and the women’s suffrage movement and perpetuated by other early feminists and historians.
I especially enjoyed writing this one because it’s like the Canadian version of the first “Today in Feminist History” I wrote here, about Sybil Luddington.
Despite the fact that it was her message which lead to the warning needed, and to the British force and Mohawk warriors winning the Battle of Beaver Dams, Laura was not mentioned in any reports immediately after the battle…Her life following the war was unfortunately plagued with poverty and other strife
I mean really, tbh. She spent her whole life reaching out to the government and NOTHING until after she died. Ugh.
I feel compelled to note that Laura Secord actually has one secondary (high) school named after her, but a few other elementary schools in Canada because elementary schools are disproportionately more likely to be named after women. Because of course they are.
However, there are still plenty of people who know NOTHING about her because we also have the very popular Laura Secord chocolate and ice cream shops, which are everywhere, and their logo is a drawing of a woman who may or may not actually be Laura Secord. It’s weird.
Everything I know about Laura Secord I learned from Kate Beaton (and you!)
http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=257
http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=139
LAURA SECORD IS AMAZING, thank you for mentioning her here!
I made the mistake of looking up thot (I am officially An Old, now), found this Slate article and because I’m too tired to be angry, I’m vaguely depressed with side order of low-level irritation.
I’m gonna go read about bears, now.
“vaguely depressed with side order of low-level irritation”. I have felt this so many times and never been able to put it so succinctly.
Here for all your upset but not-really-fired-up-about-it vocab needs
My own shorthand for that feeling is “2016, so far.”
My favorite line so far: “Maybe it wasn’t her. We can’t say for sure. You have a bear. What can we say about a bear that is running? It has no cap, hat, or handkerchief, right?”
I suppose that depends?
I honestly thought it was the part of your back thigh that connects to your butt I too am an Old.
Every! single! line! in that Celine piece.
You got the sense that if you told her you were leaving your partner of ten years because you just had a feeling about that guy at the dog park she would clasp her hands together and tell you that she was so happy for you and that René had come to her in a dream to say he was happy for you too.
This article is literally everything I needed this morning. One of my greatest and deepest dreams is to recreate the “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” video as a drag performance. There would be many mirrors and overly ornate hairbrushes.
That image popped into my head fully formed when I read that. YOU MUST make your dream come true! DO IT FOR ART. DO IT FOR DRAG.
Thank you for supporting my vision.
I suggest going with electric candles though, because all those candles would make the room way too hot and melt your makeup.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kooE5RVqzk4
And the line just after that bit!
She said she was doing well even though René, who was 400 years older than her and met her when she was 12, had just died.
I mean, it’s uncharitable, but also I snort-laughed real hard.
Edited to add: aaaahhhhhh okay also these lines, and then I’ll stop, I promise!
This song is as powerful and passionate and feminine as a Dreamsicle jello shot on an empty stomach after Candlelight Inferno Hot Pilates.
…a less intense grimace where she also pushed outward with one hand, as if the emotion were a too-rich dessert she could taste but not consume…
When she got around to talking about the Elvis duet, she said, “You know, this is maybe my craziest duet!” in a mischievous, devil-may-care tone, like a French chef about to toss brine shrimp into a chocolate soufflé. Then she left to change and probably have four bites of a chicken caesar.
We filed out of the Colosseum encased in a hot cloud of farts. That’s also the way it is.
I lol’ed for real at half that article. It is a thing of beauty and joy forever.
Holy mother of god Tim need to get kicked the motherFUCK out of that house RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. When I read that this morning…I mean, the RAGE that bloomed in my heart was fiery and rich like liquid fudge.
I don’t know why “liquid fudge”, it’s the best I’ve got right now.
LAVA CAKE OF DELICIOUS RAGE.
I like it! Five stars, would eat again.
“… that Tim has ever had a plan for rebuilding his finances after bankruptcy beyond just letting things happen to him while hoping for the best.” DING DING DING! OP is the best thing that ever happened to Tim. It goes without saying that since women are socialized not to rock the boat and talking about money is generally frowned upon in our culture, Tim is just riding this out, with no repercussions for his past bad decisions. DRACARYS.
DRACARYS
Just that one word made my day a little bit better. thank you sir/madam/otherwise.
So Fun Home announced that it’s closing in September: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/22/theater/fun-hom…
And I bought tickets for next week. I have so many feelings right now, you all. I will probably not be around for Open Thread or much at all next week, because vacation. But what a vacation.
I am going with a friend and we are staying with her parents in New Jersey. I have never been to New York City before. I’ve never seen a Broadway show or even so much as a tour before. Here’s my week.
Monday and Tuesday at Long Beach Island
Wednesday at 2 p.m., Hamilton (we’ve had tickets since October, I can’t believe this is happening)
Thursday at 7 p.m., Fun Home
Friday at 5:30 p.m., meeting Toast friends in real life in New York City
(on the very last day of this beautiful place)
Plus a few other things in NYC along the way.
My heart is full. I am so grateful for this community, and for the Slack community, and this is just so amazing to me. Toast hugs all around!
HAMILTON AND FUN HOME.
I did this combo (!!!) last December, and please remember to have 1,000 tissues at the ready. Sitting around a central stage at Fun Home means you can see all the other people cry, which, in my case at least, leads to more crying.
So much crying at Fun Home. At first I tried to be stoic and just let the tears fall gently down my cheeks, but then I abandoned all hope and began to ugly sob. Phew. I gotta go again before it closes!
I did Ham & Fun Home back to back, too, just last month and it was amazing! I’d never seen a show in that format before, and spent quite a bit of time watching the reactions of audience members across from me. Definitely shed some tears during both shows.
I have tickets to see a touring production of Fun Home later this year/early next year/I forget and I know it’s Not The Same, but I am really looking forward to it. Here for your reactions!
My husband is from Long Beach and his family still has a house there. Long Beach is wild and weird and excellent. Many muscly, gelled-hair 20 year olds and gruff bagel salesmen. And a lovely beach. You will have a wondrous time.
Also, I saw Fun Home in April and thoroughly enjoyed it. The songs are just incredible.
Safe and happy travels, and best wishes! Wow, I can’t believe we’re signing some people’s yearbooks already.
Awww, thanks Manka! Also I need you to know I added “send links to Manka” as a calendar entry on the first week of July.
Fun Home is AMAZING. You will cry. You will cry so much, and it will be wonderful. I’m so glad that some many of the original cast members have stuck around for the full run of the show – Beth Malone and Michael Cerveris and Judy Kuhn are all such incredible performers, and they do such incredible work in this show. I’m hoping to see it again before closing (not so difficult, I live in NYC and work blocks from Times Square).
Judy Kuhn has left, but she’s been replaced by Rebecca Luker, who is radiant–I saw her in the show this May.
In which I display my absolute Broadway nerd-dom: that was a temporary replacement while Judy Kuhn had hip surgery. She’s been back in the show since the end of May.
Oh, huh, okay. I read an interview with Luker after seeing the show and they talked about it as if she were taking over the role long-term. Looking this up now I see Lauren Patten as Medium Alison was also a short-term replacement, which is kind of a shame because she was astonishingly good. Emily Skeggs of course does a really good job on the OCR but Patten’s tremulous anxious overconfidence was just tremendous.
“Fun Home” is beautiful. If you haven’t already seen this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMAuesRJm1E
Toast hugs to you too!!!
Draper-Sterling HQ is apparently a five minute drive from my parents’ house. I don’t know what to do with this information.
Someone from Slate visited! http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/06/21…
… it honestly raised more questions than it answered.
Drive there? Take pictures? See if they are wearing 1970s-era clothing and the decor to match?
That “poison” post reminded me of a story.
My wife and I threw a party a little over a year ago and there was a point in the middle of the party, I happened to stop and look around, seeing my house filled with friends and family who I loved and loved me. Perhaps it was the mint juleps (among other drinks), but I was very moved. To the point where I had to snap out of it and pretend to go play DJ to keep from weirding everybody out by crying at my own party.
The next day, I sent out a very heartfelt email to the attendees, telling them how much I appreciated having them at the party and in our lives as friends and family, etc. My wife was not receptive. Her first response was, “Do you have something you need to tell me? You’re not sick, are you?” She was half-joking, but the loud and clear message – which I already knew – was that she’s not here for all that sappy crap.
I said, “No, of course not. Everything is good. Very good. That’s the whole point. I feel like we’re very lucky.” I don’t remember her exact response, but it was something in the vein of “Good. Now let’s change the subject.”
This may not be entirely relevant to that letter – I just read the excerpt – but it just reminded me that there are people who would rather we just live our lives together, treat each other well, and not get all mushy about it.
The letter’s not about ‘getting mushy’ it’s about the fact that this woman’s partner lets her pay for everything and then refuses to acknowledge that this is a generous thing for her to do, and that he should actually sort his own finances out rather than let her pay for everything.
Oh, I agree. Clearly, since she’s writing the letter, she would prefer to hear his gratitude for the help she’s given him and gratitude being “poison to a relationship” is some serious BS. Reading it, though, just made me kind of do a “diagnostic check” of whether I am appropriately grateful for what my wife has done for me, and it reminded me of the times I’ve brought it up.
I totally understand how your wife feels, but I also think THAT GUY is more likely than not a giant leech rather than a caring partner who is not a fan of mushy stuff.
Two cents, and a bargain at half price.
Tangentially related: At my wedding, I thought I was going to be rock solid because shutting down non-rage feels is my life skill, refused handkerchiefs then lost it and said mid-ceremony “I do have a soul” while choking back tears.
Feels are not for all, but I support your moment of bliss. 🙂
The difference there is that it’s the recipient of the gratitude that doesn’t want to get sentimental about it. Whereas this dude is just like “I’m a grump and ungrateful” and she is like “but I’m doing all this stuff for you……..”
We have a lot of gratitude in our marriage, Mr G and I, and perhaps the trick is to make it quotidien-ly un-mushy. Thank you for my dinner hon… my pleasure… Thanks for organising the holiday sweetie… that’s all right, we’re having a lovely time… here’s your tea… thanks love… Ta very much for posting that letter…. that’s ok… Nice lunch, Gany… glad you liked it Mr G…
No poison, no (t much) mush! (I do fart quite a lot though.)
omg that would not work for me ever. My school (my amazing workplace that I love and please all come visit etc) is built on community and kindness; we start and end every day in a full-school (50 kids, plus 10 staff) appreciation circle. Like, anyone can say anything. We have teenage boys appreciating each other, or their families. We have middle school girls appreciating their math classes, or their horses. It’s really… oh it’s so amazing.
Point is, I’m here for the appreciation mush emails. 🙂
Ooh I wanna read about campaign spending scandal, but I do not want to give any clicks to anything Tr*mp related, so I’ll just hang out here in the Toast comments.
(Anyone else taking that tactic? I feel like he’s like the Babadook, and if we all just focus on getting Hillary elected, instead of Tr*mp’s crazy du jour, he’ll just fade away (I did not actually see the Babadook but I read the Wikipedia page))
Speaking of Hillary, I just learned her devotion to hot sauce predates Formation by a LOT, and also she enjoys eating raw jalapenos and feels they give her strength.
As a person with a poorly tum, I am wildly impressed by her iron stomach.
This is one of the reasons Hillary absolutely has the highest Bennigan’s-Happy-Hour-Q-Rating with me.
I am so glad someone finally pulled out the receipts on this. I love that she’s been talking about spicy peppers for decades!
File this one under “things I don’t really believe and yet my actions would suggest otherwise” : I have spent this campaign quietly believing that looking at Trump gives him power, so I avoid looking at his face. This works out just fine because looking at Trump’s face never did anybody any good.
I think not looking at his face at least falls under “self care,” if not active disempowering.
I don’t write his name on the internet. Does it matter? Unlikely. But I don’t want to show up in the eventual Google metrics of who was being talked about in 2016. And I change the subject whenever he comes up at work.
I think that’s a solid strategy and will here on start following it myself. * tips hat *
Coming up with creative new nicknames for Dillard Turnip is one of the few ways I can engage with the existence of An Orange Squished Under a Hay Bale at all.
Hmm… Dingle Tramp? Dullard-Twerp? Donut Trap?
Somehow none of these can satisfy my loathing.
I tried to do an anagram but the closest I got was Plum Tornado, which means one D would need to be swapped for an O. But Plum Tornado kind of works for me.
Donut Trap is too good for him.
Donut Trap should be our misandrist restaurant that also serves nine different kinds of Toast and LAVA CAKE OF DELICIOUS RAGE.
Somebody in the press commentariat, I forget who, call him the Vulgar Talking Yam. And there’s also Cheeto Jesus.
I try to avoid looking at him but also hearing him speak. Even if it is just a radio clip I find it viscerally disturbing and I have to turn the radio off for 30 seconds. The problem is that he gives fantastic soundbites and so people use them all the time. Partly it’s the vile things he says and partly it is just the stupidity of his statements.
I’m starting to wish there were a designated time of day when I could listen to NPR News and not hear his voice. They could report on his actions during that time–I want to stay informed! I just cringe so hard when I hear him talk…
Yes! Of course, then he would get to crow about that so… no? It just means that I’ve been listening to a lot more music than usual which is not a bad thing.
My roommate watches the news/talk shows in the evening, so I have to listen to my iPod if I’m going to be in the kitchen, in case there’s a clip of him talking.
I have his name (and all variants) blacklisted on Tumblr. I unfollow people on FB who post stuff about him, even when it’s negative toward him. Way back when most people still thought his candidacy chances were a joke, refused to let some friends watch him on the first GOP debates on their phones in my backyard. I am 100% in support of your Tr*mp avoidance tactic.
Agreed with everyone here. I am unwillingly exposed to enough T***p and looking at more news does not make me a better informed citizen. I knew he was terrible a long time ago and finding more evidence helps nothing and makes my day worse.
Yep. I’m not going to read anything that will change my mind or remove the complete terror I feel at the very thought of his candidacy (let alone potential pres. . . ugh, i can’t write it). I avoid to keep from having constant heartburn/nausea.
(I’m putting this in parentheses to give the impression that I am whispering in all of your ears, so as not to be Obnoxious, but uh… as a Latina, every time he pulls mad racist bullshit, I wonder where all the white liberals are and why they are being very very quiet today. It’s just a little bit disconcerting to find out that the answer is apparently unanimously ‘hiding in small room with hands over their ears.’)
(I realize that politics is exhausting and self care and etc, but also… like, the guy is campaigning on the premise that we don’t qualify as full citizens of this country, I don’t feel like I can rest right now or ever? Also I’m getting real tired of feeling like I’m yelling at a brick wall, honestly.)
That is a completely valid feeling, and not at all obnoxious– thanks for bringing it up.
What I’m talking about here is trying not to create an echo chamber for him– this happens at work nearly every day, where one of my coworkers will say “Hey, did you hear about the latest thing he said?” and then repeat that horrible thing. I don’t think that’s helping anyone. I don’t feel like I can rest, either, since his campaign puts me and people I love in danger, so I want to save my energy for getting a reasonable candidate elected rather than amplifying his spectacle.
But you are completely right– I don’t want to quash people’s discussions of their fears and concerns about Tr*mp, because those are extremely valid. And I’ll keep that in mind going forward. Really sincerely thank you for calling that out!
Yes, I know exactly what you mean here. I want to call out the Tr*mp bullshit, but I don’t want to participate in, as you say, “amplifying his spectacle” (so much of which was built upon “offending” the “politically correct”).
#NeverCheetoJesus
There are many allies who don’t miss an opportunity to highlight that he is a dangerous racist, I promise. Or, minimally, I have no idea how not to and am actively ignoring therapist’s warning to cut back on news consumption/online discussions and have been informed by husband that being naked while railing against current events does not count as foreplay.
I’m sure it counts as foreplay for some people, I think I know a few of them.
This is why I should not read the news before bed anymore.
I thought that was standard-issue 1980s lesbian foreplay?
Echoing the thank you for mentioning this. This is an important point and I will also be more mindful of this. I tend to change the topic when this idiot comes up at work but you are correct — we need to keep saying loudly that his horribly racist/misogynistic words are dangerous and should not be ignored.
B/c it’s exhausting and you end up arguing with Energizer Bunny trolls–surely you as a woman, and a woman of color, know what it can be like, it’s like the scene in a zombie movie when the hero’s Doomed Best Friend realizes ‘they will never stop coming’–and even the most passionate ally has other things to do. But we will all vote. Even those of us in red states whose votes make no difference. We are here and we are with you. We’re just so, so tired.
The incredibly drawn-out election cycle in the US doesn’t help, either.
I’ve already expended most of my fighting-with-internet-trolls energy, and then I look at the calendar and think “Oh God, there’s FIVE MORE MONTHS of this???”
We’ve been doing this since the 2012 election, I’m pretty sure. It’s been really serious since the midterms. Shit Got Real last summer.
On the plus side, I think that long in the spotlight is enough to highlight The Great Yam’s inability to come up with anything new. Constant exposure makes it clear that his only approach to anything is “I’m yelling now, look at me yelling, have a hat.”
Yes, thank you for pointing this out.
I’m so glad you said this. I followed sausagedog’s strategy during the primary, but my attitude has changed since he became the presumed nominee. It’s too fucking dangerous now to avoid talking about him.
I just adore Game of Thrones recaps. I haven’t actually watched the show since Season 2, because we stopped getting HBO–all I do is read the recaps. This guy, he’s great! Between him and the woman on MTV with the baby pictures of her sister, they’ve got the show locked down.
verysmartbrothas.com also has a great GOT recapper!
I might start reading the recaps. I have no interest in watching the show (not a big fan of super violent tv), but I read the books, and now that the show is past where the books left off I want to know what happens.
She’s called Rachel Handler and she is brilliant and hilarious. Her recap generally comes out on Tuesday.
GAY OF THRONES!!! I love it, it’s the best and I repeat watch.
OK- what cult was that mom trying to sign her kid up for though?
I find cults fascinating. If there were still any of the Source Family-style “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll” ones left I would probably join in a heartbeat. Flowey dresses, I don’t have to comb my hair, and awesome music? Count me in.
Sadly more cults seem to be along the “live a really sucky life while the leaders get rich off you” type, which is a bummer.
This M.I.T.T. thing looks like a pretty bad investment, as far as cults go. I’m with you – if I’m signing on for subjugation by a charismatic leader, I’m at least getting a flower-power style makeover and maybe some astral projection experiences out of it.
I guess it’s sneakier and more convenient than the compound-in-the-middle-of-nowhere model, but I just can’t get on board with any cult that meets in such as a hotel conference room.
Right? I mean, if I am going to basically sell my soul I want to feel like I am getting my money’s worth out of it. Sitting at the Hilton Garden Inn watching a power point just isn’t going to cut it for me.
Yeah, is there a cult called Mitt? Or was it someone from the primary — Newt, Rick, Michelle?
Apparently MITT = Lifespring
http://worldcultwatch.org/mitt-lifespring-cult/
I feel woefully undereducated on the modern cult climate.
Oh MAN.
THANK YOU this is the information I came into the comments to find, because I didn’t want to go googling “Mitt Romney cult” on my work laptop.
Haha! Luckily I am in a small office and nobody cares what I google 🙂
Yeah I’m completely whiffing on the clue they gave and still too groggy to do a search. Mitt? Is Mitt a cult? I can’t do Reddit at work, either.
M.I.T.T. is indeed a cult.
It read to me like Landmark, but apparently it’s not.
Ugh, a friend-of-a-friend who is a lovely, smart person has apparently gotten heavily into Landmark and keeps pressuring my friend to go, to the point of telling my friend that she isn’t investing enough in her career and self if she doesn’t do Landmark. My friend is a very generous-hearted person and kept insisting that it’s not a cult and that it’s doing great things for her friend. Our friends kept pointing out that Landmark is leading FoaF to be an asshole to her and that FoaF is paying a lot of money for something widely believed to be culty and scammy and now trying to drag her into it. But, obviously, you don’t want to believe that your friend is being sucked into a scam that’s making them an asshole!
This election makes me grateful that there are gorgeously fluffy dogs in the world, who grin and grin, and don’t care about politics.
What I’m saying is, I want to bury my face in Sansa’s chest floof and not come out until I’m ready.
Actually that feeling is probably not an election-year feeling, but just like, a normal human feeling. Puppy floof!! <3
/deep thoughts of the day
Like… I’m pretty sure there are scientific studies that’ll tell you that gratitude is the exact opposite of poison to a marriage, or any relationship.
I think it’s the expectation of gratitude he’s against? Like, if you give a gift with strings attached it’s not truly a gift? That said, he’s still an asshole and does not seem to value the massive generosity of his partner one whit and that’s just shitty even if you claim there is a principle involved.
And that’s fair. You shouldn’t do things for your partner because you want them to fawn all over you in gratitude, sure. But you should say “thank you” or “I appreciate what you’ve done for me” to your partner when you really mean it.
Problem with this guy is that he doesn’t mean it. He thinks it’s his due.
Burn men, take to the sea, etc.
Right? I get not going overboard- it can be awkward to be thanked all the time and it can make it feel like you are constantly in debt to someone. But you should absolutely thank your spouse for their generosity (and more importantly do the silent things that show you are grateful) when they are paying out in such a big way.
Right!? I am just baffled by this!
Being grateful to people shows that they are valued and appreciated, people like to feel valued and appreciated!
Also pretty sure if dude keeps up that way, he’s going to find out what actual poison tastes like.
I had a boyfriend in high school who disliked when I expressed gratitude. He said it made him feel like I was his manager and I was providing him with positive feedback or something. Life is a rich tapestry.
(My parents constantly thanked each other, and they’re still my model for a healthy relationship, so I am happy to still be a thanker.)
Science!
Fuckin’ hell, right?! I mean, sure, obviously you shouldn’t do things because you expect over-the-top thanks, and you shouldn’t feel negatively indebted to your partner, but man, my husband and I thank each other for like…everything, all the time. For feeding the turtle! For meeting up after work! For paying bills! For buying dinner or show tickets! For sex, sometimes! For saying a nice thing! For having hard conversations! For, uh, being a great life partner?! And it’s not just verbal, either — we get each other little gifts, we do things around the house for each other, we take each other out, whatever, anything to show how grateful we are that the other person is in our lives. And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that our relationship is stronger for it. I mean, I’ll grant that I am definitely a sap when it comes to gratitude and also a stickler for thank-you etiquette (maybe I’ll quit writing and mailing thank you cards if the USPS collapses and our society turns into, like, The Purge, but until then, try and stop me). But honestly, that line made me see red. It is not poison to express how much you value and appreciate your partner. You will lose them if you don’t.
Ugh, I feel like I need to go punch-dance out my rage at this guy.
I’ll settle for texting my husband to thank him for expressing gratitude. I’LL SHOW YOU POISON, MAN ON THE INTERNET.
“For sex, sometimes!”
That reminds me of a favorite family joke:
Q: Why don’t Junior League members go to orgies?
A: They hate writing all those little ‘thank you’ notes.
Haha, A+ family joke!
Gratitude is not poison, but resentment is. He’s got it backwards.
Regarding gratitude: My husband does more housework and cooking now, because I’m disabled, and a couple years ago I made a vow to thank him, (and everyone else) for every little thing they do for me and I was amazed at how much happier it made ME to notice everything and thank people. Of course the people being thanked like it too.
So husband above should learn some manners or get cut off from the gravy train.
I was going to come here & say this! I feel like I talk about Harvard Medical School’s firm chief a lot (coffee evangelist), but his secret to wellness is gratitude! It sounds hippy dippy touchy feely, but there are bunches of studies that show how gratitude in particular is the key to decreasing stress, increasing joy, from a biochemical perspective.
yesssss I am in such agreement
Yes. Saying “thank you” and hearing “thank you” are SO BLOODY IMPORTANT.
My Grandfather has been telling me and everyone else he knows for literally my whole life that the three most important words in a marriage are “please” and “thank you.”
YES agreed! I get why a lot of women object to thanking male partners when they do basic household stuff like dishes and vacuuming, but I would much rather that we both thank each other for the daily life stuff than taking each other’s work for granted.
(Obviously reciprocity is key here, and if the gratitude is unidirectional that’s a problem.)
HIS WIFE DIDN’T KNOW. *screams into a sponge*
Better check that sponge, first…
I tried to embed an EEWWWW gif but I am a technological incompetent, so.
Often Jezebel comments are a minefield, but this one is gold:
Public Masturbation And Insemination Fetishist Inadvertently Outs Self to Wife, Three Kids
“I Just Wanted to Give the Gift of Life!” Protests Soon-To-Be-Divorced, Run-Of-The-Mill Pervert
Hm. I was going to give the article a hard pass because Jezebel, but now I’m curious what the hell this guy was doing. Will I remember to click over when I get home from work?
That comment really is gold for attracting my sideshow-seeking eyeballs to the article.
I can’t help noticing that Ivanka looks…very different from how she did when she was a younger adult. And as we know she has enough money to buy the best of everything. I’ll just leave it at that.
Pictures?
As long as she’s happy with the outcome, I don’t think there’s any shame in her getting some work done on herself.
Well there actually is a great deal of shame in being as heavily involved in her father’s campaign, so I wanted to put the brakes on people gushing about her “beauty”. More than one journalist sees her as the American Marine Le Pen, who has found more acceptance as an extreme right-wing, racist politician in France than her father, Jean-Marie Le Pen, also a right-wing, racist politician ever did. Donald Trump, save some very unusual disaster, will never hold elected office, but with folks trying to make Ivanka some kind of feminist role model, she probably will–and will implement a lot of his ideas. The poet Patricia Lockwood in her essay on Trump, said that during his speech she could see Ivanka nodding at his points and almost mouthing the words along with him. Find “beauty” elsewhere!
That GoT recap is amazing, especially this line:
so, you gonna ask me my opinion or do I need to produce some other genitalia to get a voice in this muthafucka?
I’m pretty much going to use this line as needed for the rest of forever.
This more OT, but I just started a new job that is great but the downside is now I have NO time to read/comment on the Toast during the day.
It’s only been three days, and I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss y’all!!!
This is great. It is about Ghostbusters and also not about Ghostbusters.
Thank you for this. I have been trying to avoid American Political Opinions and enjoy my manic pixie dream Prime Minister, but this was at least entertaining (and I definitely recognized many opinions I’ve seen on FB and Twitter.)
Here are my favourite bits:
“This new movie Ghostbusters reminds me of the movie Ghost from the ‘90s and now that we’re not in the ‘90s I’ve decided I don’t like the movie Ghost. I’m going to say that Ghostbusters is the same as Ghost and hold Ghostbusters responsible for the things I don’t like about Ghost.”
and
“This new Ghostbusters movie just isn’t for me and I think everything should be for me. Will this movie just existing inspire young women to get involved with making their own Ghostbusters movies at state and local theater levels? I don’t know, is representation in media and government even important?”
A friend posted that the other day and it is eeeeeeeeeverything
it’s actually about ethics in ghost-based Hollywood blockbusters
Very OT, but seeking resources: how do y’all research new cities/states you’re thinking about living in? I’ve been combing what feels like the dregs of the internet and I feel like I’m missing something really obvious.
thank you thank you thank you
The only reliable thing I know of is to ask your friends who are just like you except live in different cities if you would like their city.
Also if you have the resources going to each city for like a week is great. But probably you can only do this for a few places, not every place you might like.
I have taken several online quizzes about what’s the best city for you? and it always comes out as this one that I live in, which you might think would give me a sense of validation, but actually just annoys me, because I can think of at least three cities I have lived in that I definitely like better, and probably there are several more that would also be nice.
thanks! hmmmm yeah unfortunately I don’t know anyone who lives in the specific town I’m thinking of (this is less a I-can-move-anywhere situation and more a I-think-this-interview-went-well thing). I spent a day there, but it wasn’t really enough…
there’s cheap hostels in virtually every city, they’re more pleasant than they sound, and I’m on my fourth city of doing p much exactly this. It works pretty well, a week’s enough time to get a decent feel for what life would be like as a resident if you don’t focus on the touristy shit
What kind of info are you looking for? And how big a town?
I prefer word of mouth for over-all impressions and have at various times consulted old college friends/the nearest alumni chapter, future colleagues (for grad school, where that’s totally normal and you can get honest answers), and friends of friends. I also sometimes hit up random person I have an online only relationship with if they seem amenable to answering such things.
In me experience, the local fit has not always lined up with my feelings about the state, but if you have specific things you look for at the state level (I pay attention to political climate and access to hiking mostly), I’m sure one of us can chime in.
hmmmm well I’m thinking of a specific town in Georgia, and unfortunately I know no one from there, though I did just message some cousins that grew up in Atlanta for their thoughts. And frankly, I don’t know that I have specific info? I’ve spent the last two years in a place where I have been just miserable, so really I’m trying to figure out if I’ll be happy there haha. Which is a big question to answer with walkability indexes and recycling policies and whether or not guns are allowed on college campuses, but…
anyway, thanks!
Hrmmmm. I have never been to Atlanta area (soon!), but I know several people there now or who have lived there recently. Can put you in touch if you like. They will at least have a sense of overall clime and can maybe connect you with a person specifically from Town X, GA.
Your regional concerns are v. good ones imo–can’t tell you how annoyed I am with local recycling at current place, among other things. Have you checked walkscore.com or similar? That is my go-to for getting around. Other stuff I scope includes local paper (if there is one), town’s social media, and travel sites for highlights. not likely to give you the cons, though. Suggestion uptbread for local bloggers is a good one.
yeah, i think the local bloggers will be a boon. and thanks for your offer, but my cousin came through with some ideas!
Hi! Are you the person looking to live in Savannah by any chance? I’m from Atlanta so I might be able to help some, but who knows on account of Atlanta and Athens are pretty much my only areas of actual living experience. Feel free to email me if you wanna chat! scarney111 at gmail
I just might!! Thank you!
Maybe you’re already doing this, but reddit has a lot of locality-based boards that can be really helpful. Search r/(name of city) and something should come up, and people are usually eager to point you towards the best resources. Be warned though that there is a crank element, especially if your questions are about “what to avoid” rather than “what you recommend.” I’ve seen basically every neighborhood in my placid, prosperous hometown described as “the ghetto” by some jackass suburbanite redditor or other.
I did find one for the city I’m looking at! But yes, it’s hard to judge the tone a bit, though it seems like a good mix of fun and pleasant things and complaints.
This could backfire spectacularly.
Admittedly I’m thinking facebook and not reddit, but I’m part of a facebook group for my city (that was originally a LiveJournal group but now most members don’t even know that), and our city has seen a tremendous influx of people over the last ten years that has pretty much doubled the price of housing and changed the landscapes of whole neighborhoods…..and if you post to the group asking questions because you’re curious about living there, all you’ll get (unfortunately) is a hell of a lot of vitriol and sarcasm and orders to stay wherever the hell you are. (If you admit you’re from California it’s a thousand times worse.)
Does the town have a corresponding Toastie slack channel or facebook group? That would be both a good sign and a place to ask questions.
I think general googling is not going to take you very far. What is important to you in a place that you live? It’s easier to google something more specific, like walkability, favorite food type, or availability of a particular hobby group, or whatever. A lot of your experience will depend on the people you get to know there, so looking for places/events/activities where you might meet your kind of people is helpful.
it doesn’t appear to have a facebook group, and I haven’t made my way into the slack yet (maybe tonight?).
and good call on the other stuff! I’ve tried to branch out a bit and look at things like meetup and walkscore, but being even more specific would be good!
http://www.city-data.com/ can be pretty useful, and sometimes the forums have a lot of useful information about neighborhoods, etc. We used it to research neighborhoods in the city we moved to, prior to making an inter-state move.
thanks! i’ve looked there before, and the objective data is great, but tbh, most of the time I find the forums depressing? they seem to be 20% useful information, 80% cranks 🙁
If you have a city in mind, take a look at their alt-weekly paper (if they have one) and go back through a few weeks/months on their website to see what kinds of things they’re talking about. You’ll probably learn about the cultural scene as well as political or community issues.
ooooh good call!
Hello! I know you have all been waiting on the edge of your seats re: when I will hear about my job – I just got a text from the CEO asking what time I am available for a call! So, today’s the day, nearly for sure! (I told him lunch time or after work. I really hope it’s lunch time!)
Update: no update yet! Will he call while I’m picking the baby up from daycare? Or while I’m waiting in the drive thru at Wendy’s, and the baby is yelling “frenchfries frenchfries frenchfries” over and over? Or after I’ve given up and begun my bike ride? The universe is full of mysteries!
I have actually been waiting to find out (because my brain works in mysterious ways; I also forgot to pack my lunch), so I’m both glad to hear a call is coming and also shaking my fist that it hasn’t happened yet. 🙂
o m g ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
(hoping good for you!)
Thank you!
The Ask Polly email just came in and I haven’t even opened it but the subject line makes me want to lie on the floor alone in a dark room forever. OR, take triumphantly to the sea. See you on the waves, my mermaids.
Trufax: just finished reading it. Wish I were home hiding under the covers instead of waiting to see my therapist, who is likely to say EXACTLY the same thing, but more expensively.
I know we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but if the middle Trumpling were a book, he’d be a murder mystery.
It’s the lack of eyebrows that is really fucking creepy.
For me, it’s more the hesitant smile that – with the vacant eyes – suggests he’s as likely as not to be thinking, “Maybe I’ve dined on human flesh. Maybe I haven’t.”
Then a really high pitched giggle.
*full-body shudder*
Also one time I tried to walk my cat. He was having none of it.
My cat is very fat, and I bought him a walking harness (two actually, since the first one was the largest cat harness they had and it didn’t quite fit him, so I had to go back and get a dog harness) with the intention of getting him a little outdoors exercise. Turns out he is afraid of the sky. (I don’t really blame him, it’s quite big after all)
have you tried…cat swimming: http://wjla.com/news/local/loudoun-county-cat-swi…
:DDD
(I love that story so much and am delighted to have an opportunity to share it)
😀 😀 😀 The little float-vest!
Given how Big Mac (that’s his name) responds to baths, I don’t think he’d be into swimming laps. But dang he’d look so cute!
YES. I could not concentrate on the article for reeling over that walkable cat!
That reminds me of one of my all-time favorite internet videos. A guy is on a local news report with a cat he hopes to help get adopted. For the segment, he has the cat on a leash and the cat is having none of it. It lashes around, tangles him in the leash, climbs his leg and eventually makes the guy shriek in pain after using either its claws or teeth on his leg.
Curious to know if any potential adopters saw the video and said, YES, this is the animal I need in my life.
Me. I totally like my cats fierce and unharnessable.
Pussy should be free and unrestrained.
I just watched that last week! I especially enjoy the person (shelter worker?) trailing after the cat and limply trying to drop a cardboard box on top of him. And how they keep calling the cat’s name (Fritzy? something like that) as if that is going to do anything at all.
My cat loves her leash because it means going outside, but it is definitely a method of tethering her to the yard and not a walking device. She will be running around, pleased as punch, and as soon as I try to exert any control over her movement she plants herself on the ground and refuses to move.
This just reminded me of a story from my youth. I used to walk home from school and in one of the yards I passed, a woman would put her cat outside on a leash. My 9-year old self was offended at the idea of depriving a cat its freedom, said “Cats shouldn’t be on leashes”, coaxed it over to the fence, and liberated it of its leash.
I lingered too long petting it afterward because the homeowner came bursting out of her back door to yell at me. I was off like a shot, though, terrified she’d follow me home. She never did, though, as I never heard about it again.
I still think of that from time to time, and feel guilty because of the perfectly legit reasons to put a cat outside in your backyard on a leash.
That is honestly pretty cute, and man, as an animal-obsessed kid (…and adult), I get it. But then I also remember the time one of my friends in middle school took, like, personal offense to my dog’s Halti and wrestled it off of him, immediately after which my dog ran straight into traffic. Luckily the drivers on the road were pretty alert and not going too fast, so there was no catastrophe, but I read that stupid kid the riot act (ie, I screamed right in his face that he almost got my dog killed) and actually pretty well distanced myself from him after that point. I hope he learned a lesson. Thinking about it still burns me up. All that is to say, I’m glad you grew out of your youthful animal liberation tendencies.
My neighbor walks his two dogs on leashes around our neighborhood, escorted (leashlessly) by his two cats.
Likewise. He crept along the ground two feet and then ran back up to the front door.
I bought a harness and leash for my old cat and she would either flop over and refuse to move or creep along very low to the ground like she didn’t think she could stand upright in the harness.
Current kitty knows how to unhook her collar so I haven’t wanted to try a leash. She seems like she would enjoy walking with the dogs but I’m worried she could undo a harness.
I know. He was walking his cat. As though it was a regular thing they just did every day. I cannot imagine.
My grandfather used to walk his cat. It worked pretty well, actually, because my grandfather couldn’t move fast and had to sit a lot, and the cat mostly wanted to sniff bushes and flop on the ground periodically.
This cat also figured out how to open THREE different kinds of doorknob to escape from the assisted-living apartment. The staff kept changing the doorknob and he learned all of them.
My grandparents adopted a cat from someone who was deployed overseas, and when the guy came over with all the cat’s stuff, there was a leash in the bag.
They had no idea how this cat was trained to walk on a leash, or why, but that cat really enjoyed its afternoon strolls around the neighborhood.
We used to take our cats on walks when we lived in a less urban environment. GentlemanX’s cat was so in love with him that she would just follow us wherever, and my cat loved his cat so much that he would follow her. Riiiiiiiiight up until that day that we found some magpies in our neighbourhood. idk if they could smell alpha-male-tom on him or what, but they took turns divebombing him until we got out of their territory (about a block and a half) and after that he wouldn’t come with us any more.
Holy crap, the Brexit vote is happening tomorrow? I lost track of time. How are you guys holding up?
I’m pretty scared it will happen, honestly. I had an unsettling conversation with a friend who is voting Leave (for kind of vague, ‘democracy’ reasons) but was dismissive about the possibility of that result actually happening, and this made me worry that a lot of (especially younger) people are not thinking about the possible consequences enough.
There was a rather lovely story, though, about an elderly man who was voting on behalf of his 17-year-old grandson because he recognised that it would have a greater effect on him so wanted him to have a say.
Yeah, I’m alternating between being heartened at the people I know voting Remain and kind of shocked at some of the people voting Leave.
Spouse (Scottish, ex-pat, ineligible to vote) was very, very surprised when a longtime liberal friend from Edinburgh responded to his “wouldn’t the Brexit be financial suicide?” email with a long diatribe about the smothering oppression of governance from Brussels and how The Europeans are controlling Britain.
We’ll be watching the BBC coverage tomorrow night with fingers and toes crossed for a Remain result.
Here in the US, I’ll be watching as well. It’s totally up to you guys about what you do with this.
I am feeling much more hopeful, although I’m worried the feeling of a pro-remain groundswell is only palpable in London and the rest of the country is still pro-leave.
It seems to me that everyone intellectually respectable is pro-remain and only swivel-eyed nutjobs (hi Nigel F*r*ge!) are pro-leave so I am really crossing everything that the public wakes up to this.
Heehee, “swivel-eyed nutjobs”, have to remember that one!
We keep following the bookies. The bookies are keeping me and my SO’s shit together right now. Trust the bookies. (the odds are overwhelmingly for Remain thank baby Jesus).
At this point it’s wall to wall panicked checking of various poll aggregates mixed with periods of denial focused Netflix and binge watch (there is no chill).
It’s too close and even if (as I hope) Remain prevails, there’s going to be a lot of nasty fallout from this dispiriting campaign that the divide and demonise tactics of Tory governance will not soon mend.
I’m still worried; I do think there’s enough Remain support to win the vote, but I still fear that the ruling classes *still* haven’t twigged that the results of their economically-liberal management of the economy has alienated a lot of people, across the political spectrum.
The other thing that’s sad is that the Liberal Democrats, the only major party with consistent principles of positive internationalism and engagement which should make them the natural leaders of the Remain campaign, are of course being completely ignored by the political media because of their terrible election results On which note, there was an interesting article in the Guardian by one of their columnists, giving some insight into the attitudes of political journalists which ends up with them under-reporting non-mainstream leaders such as Corbyn: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/ju…
(not to derail, but…I still haven’t figured out where in the political spectrum the Lib Dems sit. Are they right of Labour, to the left of Cons? Can anyone elaborate?)
They used to be a bit left of Labour (when Labour were New Labour, post 80s), but since the coalition with the Tories, I have no idea where they are now. I’m not sure they even know anymore.
I’m just picturing them in a pub slurring about how they just got out of a bad relationship, it was awful, they don’t even know who they are anymore or what they’re /doing/ with their lives, Brenda!
“We go where the wind takes us!”
Yeah the lib dems have only shown their effectiveness by the absence of any restraint on the tories since the last general election. I miss the coalition.
They were traditionally the centre ground party, then in the Blair years Labour moved into this niche and the Lib Dems moved sort-of to the left, but not so much so that they couldn’t form a coalition with the Conservatives. This is one of the problems they are having, basically – neither they nor anyone else is really sure where they fit.
UUuugghGHHHhhhhuUUghhhhhhhhhh. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I’m not staying up for the result, that’s for sure.
I’m kind of vaguely anxious about what the country will look like on Thursday morning (and will be getting up at 2am to listen to the radio and worry), and I really, really don’t want us to do the dumb xenophobic thing.
If we leave, I’m eligible for Irish Citizenship, and will be contacting them to take that up forthwith (no, seriously, I’m eligible, I need to actually apply for it before I have kids so that /they/ can be eligible as well).
Relevant to our interests, androgyny of the 1930s: http://www.messynessychic.com/2016/06/21/beautifu…
BRB printing all these out to show to my hairdresser
thank you for this, I shall now endeavour to remember how to breathe.
*hyperventilates*
You’re doing the Lord’s work. Thank you. Bless you.
WHY HELLO THERE.
THANK YOU FOR THIS. <3
Ok, tiny quibble with one itty-bitty bit of the article:
She had a lot of turbulent affairs, with both men and women, briefly marrying a French diplomat while living in Teheran. They were both homosexual
Historical bisexuals: let’s all stop erasing them.
My favorite line in the Draper Sterling article is “He also compared his work to the Wright Brothers.” No explanation. No context.
Toast and toasties, thank you so much for introducing me to a wider Internet. Black nerd problems and Cultural appropriations are in my regular rotation, and others but my kid woke up at 4:45 and demanded I play magnets so I am only 83% human today and can’t think of more.
I will miss this place but I am eternally greatful for these link roundups. (Thank you especially for all the coverage of indigenous issues. I am a white person living in an Alaska Native place and I am am working on being an ally.)
“Nagel now confesses that he is indeed married, adding that his wife is “livid,” and “she’s been yelling at me a lot.” But he maintains that their relationship hasn’t been romantic in years.”
I WONDER WHY.
The possibility that she might feel romantically jealous was not among the first of the potential problems to occur to me.
I’m dismayed, though not surprised, that she found out from the Post. Dollars to doughnuts, if she *had* wanted to have sex with him (and I’m taking his word for it that their marriage was no longer sexual, which is giving him way more benefit of the doubt than he deserves), he would not have told her he’d Very Helpfully had PIV sex with some lesbians, so that she might insist on a condom.
And I think I can guess how he feels about condoms.
I am irrationally annoyed that the “gratitude is poison” dude gets the pseudonym of Tim because my boyfriend is Tim and he is a DELIGHT and says “thank you” all the g-d time.
The Mississippi burning article is giving me some feelings. My partner works for civil rights organization and is going to do voter registration in a mid-size, fairly conservative Southern city this weekend. I’m so proud of him but it also makes me a little nervous. He got the police called on him while he was canvassing in the suburbs the other day.
I have done a lot of canvassing in a lot of places, and if it makes you feel better they tend to have a lot of measures in place these days to protect folks when they’re out on the doors. If his org is anything like the campaigns I’ve worked for he probably has a mobile database which not only shows the office what area he’s working, but also shows notes from other organizers in case anyone has had trouble in the neighborhood in the past. And canvassers are always trained to turn back if they feel unsafe and to avoid situations where they could end up trapped in someone’s house.
I appreciate that! His org is great and they have given him a ton of training and I am sure everything is going to be fine but there is definitely some antagonism towards what he is doing. Sometimes I am reminded that some really ugly parts of our national history are not that far in the past.
– That thing about the bears: “Maybe it wasn’t her. We can’t say for sure. You have a bear. What can we say about a bear that is running? It has no cap, hat, or handkerchief, right?” he told me. “It had to be her,” he decided. If only the bears had decent headgear!
– Having a cult named MITT seems like hamfisted election-year satire, but it’s apparently no joke.
– Kind of disappointed that we didn’t get to see Boo the boar pet of the one-armed ex-Yakuza guy. There’s something very Elmore Leonard-ish about that.
Toasts, I have a mild but rather funny problem. I have a new British client at work whose first name is Plum and I keep wanting to call her Petunia. I don’t know if this is a Harry Potter-generated issue, or if it’s just the floral names, but my brain CANNOT keep it straight. I’m terrified I’m going to slip up and call her Petunia in person. :/
I had a similar problem with a co-worker whose name was Amy but every time I interacted with her I had the strongest urge to call her Megan for no explicable reason. I got through it with constant vigilance. Basically having to remind myself of her real name every time I saw her, which worked pretty well.
I did refer to her as Megan once in a group email though, everyone was very confused. It was mortifying.
My name is April. I have been called Rachel and Alice by people I see at work more times than I can count. There is no reason for me to be confused with anybody named Rachel or Alice. It just happens.
Try to picture this guy instead:
Toasts, OT and I rarely comment so I feel bad leaning on everyone for emotional support, but I could use some words of…sympathy? encouragement? recommendations for ways to improve in the future? I had an early morning phone call with a potential grant funder (I work at a university) and my first answer to their question a jumble of nonsense words because I did not know how to answer what they were asking and my brain froze up. This happens sometimes. I think I recovered through my follow up answers but I can’t stop thinking about how ridiculous I sounded and how I probably screwed up the opportunity. Like I said, I’ve done this before. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to prevent brain freeze, anxiety, and the resulting lack of verbal fluency? Thanks!
If I have an important call, interview, etc that I know of in advance, I will often take the time to write out key categories of what I want to discuss and specific phrases or questions I want to work into the conversation. It helps me process and plan out some of the most important topics, and even the act of writing it out makes me feel much more prepared. If I keep it in front of me, even if I don’t end up using half of it, it can help me feel more grounded.
this.
I also practice just stopping when I run on (I think out loud a lot and realize that even in academia, not everyone wants to hear that). If what j said was gibberish, they will ask a follow-up question. I also reflect the question back or ask for clarification–even if I understood–when I need time to think. Depending on the interlocutor, I also make myself say that I need a minute to put my thoughts in order. 😕 I’m getting better, but oral communication is still a huge problem for me, and I totally sympathize with the caught off-guard on phone problem.
Channeling my therapist for a moment, but you probably didn’t sound nearly as bad as you think, we often have a tendency to magnify awkward moments out of proportion with their actual impact.
What usually works for me in those situations is to do a verbal run through with myself a few times before the call just to make sure I have the relevant points in my brain in some kind of coherent order (otherwise I get so flustered that I stammer and have a tendency to completely forget who I’m talking to and why). Another strategy that doesn’t work as well for me but does for some people is to have a few placeholder phrases “wow, that’s a good question…” or something equally mundane but coherent for when you don’t know what to say, because then it’s usually ok to take a few seconds to come up with something.
I also have trouble with the stock stalling phrases — if I say “that’s a good question” or “let me think about that” or something similar I actually panic MORE when I’m only trying to buy a little time. Because then the pressure of that added expectation makes me freeze.
You can also say “hi, thanks so much for calling, it’s quite noisy in the office so i’m just going into another room so we can talk properly, can I call you back in 2 minutes?” And that is a perfectly understandable reason to stall (for anyone who has worked in an open plan environment).
What really helped me was the time early in my career that my law firm hired some consultants to come film us making presentations. My brain did freeze, as it tended to do back then, and there was what felt like a minute-long pause. I also felt sure my face was beet-red. When I watched the tape, the pause was minor and my face looked normal. So the next time it happened, I just took my time, breathed, waited for blood to come back to my brain or whatever, and it passed. The pause was better than trying to muddle on. After doing this for a number of years, I can say that I never have frozen brain anymore, even when appearing before panels of judges who are there specifically to ask questions and try to stump me.
OT misandry ahoy!
I have started using Tinder as a troll app. My profile is a ridiculous one-liner about needing Xanax and oral for 45 minutes minimum. I power swipe right for ten minutes once a week and wait for the dudes to roll in, and then I hit them with GIFs when they’re all “do I get any?”/”but if I don’t get any it’s not any fun!”/”that is a long time!” I DON’T CARE. I’M THE ONE MAKING DEMANDS HERE. ALSO YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO SWIPE RIGHT, BUCKO. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO READ A PROFILE FIRST.
I know this will get old but I am very much enjoying it for now. Would anyone else like to share their minor acts of misandry?
What GIFs are you hitting them with? Btw, this cracks me up.
I vote for “You get nothing! I said good day sir!”
Some choice selections:
Yes. Veddy nice indeed.
That is most excellent misandry, I am glad I got to experience this. And also your gif game is on point.
My minor act of misandry is to refuse to like bands (I am a scenester, music is my life, i also have a rule about New Books published by the same demographic) that consist entirely of cishetwhitedudes. Happily, 9 times out of 10 they are actively Not Good so it is not like it is a hard rule to follow, but man, the pushback that I get? Is amazing. The number of dudes who are _truly concerned_ that I will miss out on something excellent because of my rule is just… mindboggling. The newest pushback? “What if they are from Sweeden and therefore cannot help it?” Um… pretty sure that women, queers, and ppl of colour all exist in Sweeden, bro.
^Proud to say the mix CD I sent you is cishetwhitedude-free.
And I luuuuuuuuurve it, so much music that i didn’t already know! Thank you ♥
Also, you might be missing out on some groups by not liking dudebands, but dudes are almost certainly missing out on several not-dudebands. There are a lot of bands.
Right? I also enjoy patiently explaining to my friends that, because racist capitalist hegemony, cishetwhitedudes are the most capable of producing mediocre crap and having it be lauded as excellent, whereas not-that-demographic have to be twice as good for half the recognition, so if imma listen to or read something that might be crap, why would I go with the longer odds?
My HERO.
That’s beautiful.
This is so, so petty but at my job I’m supposed to give a five-cent discount if a customer uses reusable bags. I do not give it to white men.
Yesssssssssss, even out that pay gap, one nickel at a time.
Toasts, allow me to rant a bit. 2 and a half weeks ago, an employer I had interviewed with emailed me to ask if I was still interested in the job. I jumped at it, we settled on my first day of work, all that good stuff… and I’ve been waiting for my official job contract ever since. Until I have that signed and filed away I don’t have a job or a job offer. They were supposed to get it to me last week… then that turned into maybe this week, if their HR people don’t run into any “issues.”
I know 2 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things and it’s certainly just a blip on the government staffing timeline, but I’ve been dying to leave this job for 2 years and I am so close now and this delay is driving me up the wall. Every time I get an email that’s not the contract I feel a momentary urge to fling my body to the ground and just shriek. I’m devolving to toddlerhood. These are form letters! All they need to do is input my name and job title into blank fields in a template document! There’s no way that multiple people would need 2 weeks to get this done!
Crazy story – my mom was a v. young military wife during the Mississippi Burning trial, and had nothing to do, and went to every day of the trial. Apparently one of the defendants stood behind her and pretended to puke on her head because she looked like and hung out with the Yankee liberal reporters.
The LR seems like a strange place to say this, but: I wanted to be around a lot more in our final weeks. I am just dealing with a lot of family health stuff and don’t know what to say. I have been feeling generally overwhelmed and uninspired since the latest crisis hit, and I feel like I’m fiddling in The Toast’s final days!
I’m going to try to be around more next week. I love you all.
Hi Nikki, we love you right back 🙂
We understand, truly we do.
I am very sorry things are hard for you at the moment. You don’t owe us any more of your time than you would like to share. <3
This actually made me cry. Damnit.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry!
This is my favorite hug gif because 1: the elephants are ex-circus elephants who both arrived separately a sanctuary and just met. They’re soothing each other, and they’re finally safe. Happy!
No, I know. Rescued elephants usually make me cry, though. They’re hugging! They’re so happy! The only one that makes me cry more is the rescued elephants that used to be in the same circus many, many years ago, and then they meet, and frolic in the tall grass, and hug, and everything is rainbows and sunshine.
Aaah yeah, that one is instant happy sniffles for me.
I’m a long-time lurker, infrequent commenter, but wanted to chime in and send love and strength to you and yours…we understand and are always here (or on slack, apparently?) for you.
I’m also dealing with some family health issues, and that kind of thing can be exhausting and draining for anybody. I think everybody understands and wishes you all the best! Take care of yourself. <3
Oh Nikki, we love you and we totally understand. <3
I think of you every day and understand what you’re dealing with.
Hi Toasts, Long-time lurker, very infrequent poster, and very much in need of some advice and maybe a dash of misandry re: dealing with a breakup and loving/affirming yourself.
I recently got dumped by my boyfriend of a year and a half. To very briefly go over the details – for about the last 6 months, I’ve been dealing with depression and PTSD from a previous traumatic experience, on top of a very stressful exam year in my grad program (that I passed, thank you very much!). I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy on dealing with my past and having a better relationship with myself, and have made a lot of positive progress and change that I’m proud of. I was on the upswing from this Semester From Hell, and then boyfriend dumped me. We had some fundamental issues before this – he has difficulties being emotionally vulnerable, I felt he pull as much weight for the relationship in terms of emotional labor and honesty, and I think he might abuse alcohol to deal with his personal baggage. I thought we were both committed to working on these things together, but turns out he wasn’t willing.
So, in some respects I know this breakup was a good thing and a start to a better life for me. I of course still grieve him and our relationship, and it’s especially tricky as our friend groups intertwine and I tend to place all the responsibility and blame on myself for my relationships failing. I’m trying to be aware of this, and gently remind myself that it’s not all my fault, I’m not fundamentally flawed or unlovable, etc. I’m doing all the Things One Should Do After A Breakup – I’m taking a class in something I’ve never done before, going on long walks listening to podcasts, doing yoga, allowing myself to cry and journal, watching TV, spending time with friends, etc etc. But it is still really, really hard some days, and I sometimes feel like I don’t know what else to do to get out of the thought loops I fall into.
So, what do you all do to self-affirm and build yourself back up when your jerkbrain is in overdrive? Any books, blogs, podcasts, rituals you all recommend?
I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like you are taking responsibility for yourself and doing lots of great self-care. I’ve been in similar situations over the years and have slowly learned to practice sitting with my feelings, especially the ones that overwhelm the body, and welcoming them, talking to them, accepting them, no judgement of them. Basically, letting the feels move through me without acting on them.
But for more immediate relief, look up Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All” on YouTube. Also, thebook, Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach is good for helping you build skills in managing your brain.
Thanks so much for your thoughts! I’ve requested Brach’s book from the library. 🙂
I am so sorry you’re dealing with the breakup brainweasels.
Getting dumped sucks and we all handle it differently. My best friend is incredible at going “welp, it’s over, time to look for something Even Better!” now that she’s had one or two big heartbreaks. I’m…still a basketcase most of the time! (Emotional self-regulation. Wtf is that.) So I end up spending a lot of time being Sad, staring out windows and morosely picking at salads, kicking myself because I am wasting so much time being Sad. I should be doing yoga/taking a class/rebuilding my friendships, like the articles say.
What I’m finding to be most important is to just go ahead and indulge in the Sad. You’ll know how much Sad is too much, but if you’re just not feeling Great Awesome Empowerment Single Person activity…don’t make yourself do it. Just light some nice candles, have cookies for dinner, ignore anything that isn’t urgent, take a nap, whatever. Do something selfish and indulgent and fun, something that might make a romantic partner make the o.O face, something your baby boomer parent would roll their eyes at.
Indulge because you are WORTH IT. You are not Garbage Lord of Filth Mountain, you’re just so fantastic that you DEMAND cake/expensive Japanese takeout/delicacy of your choice for [insert meal here]. You are not a sadness slug permanently bonded to your sofa, you are a GOD(DESS) who needs their rest because perfection is exhausting.
That reframing really helps refresh me so that I can tackle the Empowerment Activities when I’m ready. I have never been able to just distract my circular thinking away with something shiny. I have to break it down, or solve the issue triggering that thinking.
You are really speaking my language. Thanks for reminding me that it’s okay to experience the Sad.
Sometimes I find it helpful just to narrate to myself what my brain is doing, in a non-judgmental way. Eg, instead of “none of this is real, brain!” I say, “oh, hi, brain, you’re doing the stressed-out thing again. It’s ok, we’re gonna be fine, and it’s ok that you need to have this little freak-out now.” Sometimes all it takes is making space for the feeling, instead of trying to make it something else. (I am very far from done with this project, of course.)
Gah, this is so important. I think I’ve gotten much better at this, but changing those brain pathways takes time!
About the fault thing: can you practice a good two-stage answer for when people ask? 1. It just wasn’t working out between us (no fault for him, and none for you either). And if people push for more info: 2. It’s complicated and I’d rather not go into details.
This script is for concerned/nosy friends, and also for jerkbrain. Later, maybe, you can work through an autopsy of the relationship. Right now, it’s summer, get some sun, be with friends, don’t give or accept blame.
That’s a great idea I hadn’t considered, but planning ahead will likely save me a lot of anxiety and help me avoid even more crummy feelings when it does come up. I appreciate you!
I made myself a playlist I called therapy, which started out with the weepy poor-me songs and moved on to the magnificent goddess of giving no fucks songs. For the latter, I recommend “I don’t care” by Icona Pop, Pink’s “So What”, Lucinda Williams “You took my joy”, Mountain Goats “No Children”.
Burning stuff is also sometimes very cathartic. If you don’t have literal relationship stuff, write down all your feelings about him and use it as a firestarter.
Burning stuff seems like a solid idea, especially if it ends in a fireworks finale of my self-actualization. Thank you!
OT: Toasts, today is my birthday, and I’m very anxious about the coming year. Lots of work-related stress, but more important, the autoimmune disorder I’ve had for about 20 years (with no firm diagnosis) is getting worse. My doctors haven’t actually used the L-word, but I think they’re thinking lupus.
Happy birthday, birthday twin, and many hugs. I wish you strength in the year ahead. <3
I hope your birthday ends up going exactly how you want it to, and also that your doctors come up with a way to help your disorder, whatever the official diagnosis ends up being.
(gentle) hugs, and all the good vibes I can send for some health answers/solutions.
Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes! It was a better birthday than I expected it to be.
I’m pretty sure that Tim’s abhorence of gratitude is merely a symptom of a much deeper, pervasive and all-consuming disease.
And that disease is called assholitis.
“I object to saying ‘thank you’, but am perfectly comfortable with just taking things. It’s my philosophy“
On happier notes:
The Dems are staging an ol’ fashioned sit-in on the floor of the House of Representatives, demanding a vote on gun control.
This is the song list of Barbra Streisand’s upcoming Broadway duets album, which I have (of course) pre-ordered:
At the Ballet by Barbra Streisand with Anne Hathaway and Daisy Ridley
Loving You by Barbra Streisand with Patrick Wilson
Who Can I Turn To (When Nobody Needs Me) by Barbra Streisand with Anthony Newley
[why yes, he IS dead, why do you ask?]
The Best Thing That Ever Has Happened by Barbra Streisand with Alec Baldwin
Any Moment Now by Barbra Streisand with Hugh Jackman
Anything You Can Do by Barbra Streisand with Melissa McCarthy
Pure Imagination by Barbra Streisand with Seth MacFarlane
Take Me to the World by Barbra Streisand with Antonio Banderas
I’ll Be Seeing You / I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face by Barbra Streisand with Chris Pine
Climb Ev’ry Mountain by Barbra Streisand with Jamie Foxx
Yes!
I don’t know what the rules for sit-ins–as opposed to filibusters–are: if we start a Patreon or similar, could we chip in and get them all pizza or something?
Well, there is no precedent so I conclude that anything goes.
The thing that brought me inutterable joy about the sit-in (besides, you know, that it’s happening) is that it’s led by John Lewis. I just read the first volume of his graphic novel autobiography about his leadership role in the civil rights movement (MARCH – three volumes so far) and DAMN I’m glad he’s still at it.
I didn’t read closely enough at first, and thought that the Democrats were sitting on the floor singing Barbra Streisand songs.
I WISH.
Of course, they are being very serious, as it is a very serious subject, but every once in a while a bit of giddiness slips in. Yes, I am watching it. I am a political junkie.
Since Paul Ryan had the cameras shut off (unsuccessfully, I might add), I’ve been trying to make #CantStoptheSignal happen. I’ve met with limited success.
It’s my birthday! I turn 33 today! It’s been a pretty amazing year, especially considering that I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when I was 31. Age 32 was about picking up the pieces and figuring out how to move forward. I started a classical music blog last month, and I’m very grateful that a few Toasties checked it out when I shared a link here a week or so ago. That blog caught the attention of the right people, and this week it led to a job offer! I’m going to be consulting on a music history textbook. I can’t believe how lucky I am–this job combines writing, music, and teaching, AND I get to work from home. I’ve spent the last year and a half worried about whether I’d be able to go on the academic job market when my health is so precarious (I mean, I’m able to move around and stuff, but I definitely don’t have the stamina I used to, and adjuncting and/or pursuing the tenure track is wearing down even the healthiest of my friends, so the prospect of uprooting and putting myself out there was very scary), and a fantastic alternative presented itself! It may not be long-term (but it could be if they like my work enough!), but it’s SOMETHING for now!
Sorry to brag. I’m just celebrating, and I want to share. It’s the kind of situation where you just keep working hard at stuff, not knowing what it’s leading to or whether it’s going to go anywhere at all, and then some pieces fall into place. Those moments in life are rare, so I want to celebrate it while I can. 😀
Happy birthday! Go you!
Hooray! You are a rock star!
Don’t be sorry about bragging! Hell girl, you SHOULD brag! This is a great achievement, especially on the heels of a couple of shit years. I am really happy for you. 🙂
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday! All wonderful news, worthy of sharing and celebrating.
Congratulations!
Reasons I could never be Prudence: so many times, I read about women’s terrible relationships, and I want to reply “in situations like these, fire is really your best/only option”
i know, Mallory is so considerate in defining the problems and giving a reasoned solution. I’d be immediately judgmental and impatient: “Dump him. Next letter?…..Leave, leave now. Next letter?…Call a divorce lawyer today…..thanks, see you next week!”
“Have you considered becoming a witch and/or taking to the sea?”
In our patriarchal society, if you SUSPECT a man might be too awful, it is almost certainly far past time to dump him.
“In our patriarchal society, if you SUSPECT a man might be too awful, it is almost certainly far past time to dump him.”
Can I tattoo this on my forehead? Put it on billboards? Hire a skywriter?
Yes to all.
This is just my personal theory/a note to myself. I’m considering cross-stitching it.
Read the first link and immediately went YES IT’S TRUE!!
I thought I was the only person who ever read that book! I always cry at the end.
House Democrats are holding a sit-in to force Republicans to allow a vote on gun control before they go into recess for the summer (which is tomorrow). http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/house-dems-stage…
Liz Warren is with them! On her birthday! Can we send pizza and cake?
There’s just something about a sit-in that makes you feel good.
I didn’t understand, did they delete the update about the cult girl? Did she go or not? Is she ok?
weirdly O-T but an opinion question.
I live near (grew up in) that city where the NBA champions are from.
EVERYONE is posting pictures on facebook or talking about going to the parade. Bus shelters have collapsed. The parade had to stop because people were so thick on the street. The airport is delayed because crew can’t get there! I love Cleveland, we deserve this, I’ve spent my whole life here (ugh!), but WHO the hell thinks it’s a good idea to go get in a mass celebration like this, from a safety perspective?? They estimated 400k would show up–latest estimate is a milllion.people.downtown. ONE MILLION.
All I can think of is the Who concert in Cincinnati in the 70’s (yes I’m old). And how to survive a stampede. I’ve been to college in a town nearby that was known for having riots on halloween–and the first halloween I commuted there and didn’t know what was going on. Walking back to my car did not feel safe. And that is a small, loosely distributed, confined to a few streets riot,in a small college town. I think 2 cars burned?
A million people?
You couldn’t pay me to be there. If I worked there I’d sleep in the office rather than try to go home. Am I so weird for all my safety red flags ping and not be all happy like the rest of my city? Don’t these people know how dangerous a crowd is?
You may think I’m just not a city/crowd person—I like NYC. I like Chicago. I like public transit, and shakespeare in the park, and blues festivals…but a one time even like this sets my radar screaming.
You sound very rational to me. I just hope nobody dies. It sounds awful.
I’m totally with you on the crowds. Especially for sports things. No thank you, definitely terribly unsafe, could not pay me to be there. I remember when my college football team won some upset and they wound up tearing out one of the goalposts and carrying it somewhere on campus. I s sincerely glad to have been holed up in the library oblivious to the whole thing. People lose their damn minds, what little that’s left after all the celebratory alcohol.
You are not crazy, natch.
I am a sports person, and love a good celebration parade, but people get crazy, and when there’s that many of them the chances of craziness go up like wildfire. You are you, be happy for your team (or city or whatever) and celebrate from home. You’ll surely not be the only one.
Well, so far a woman got shot(minor injury) in front of the casino, and that bus stop collapsed because 12 people were sitting on top of it!
Apparently the biggest thing all day was lost kids.
They have updated the crowd estimate to 2.3 million!!!!!
For perspective check LeBron James Facebook photos. As far as you can see there are people. People were just parking on the side of the interstate and walking 1-2 miles to get there. I am very happy I was proven wrong about the violence.
I LOVE IT. Thanks for sharing! It's like a soothing balm for the bern people keep trying to get me to feel.