Dreams and wishes of renewal and spring. Let’s recall nice things of sunshine and summer and life. Let’s all talk about our memories of free festivals and Rasputin? Open-thread!
Cocktail Hour: Open Thread
Dreams and wishes of renewal and spring. Let’s recall nice things of sunshine and summer and life. Let’s all talk about our memories of free festivals and Rasputin? Open-thread!
Is anyone using a Fitbit? I just joined the cult and could use a nemesis or two (I’m S in the Bit O’Toast group).
I love mine. I can frequently be found pacing the hallway of my apartment building at 10:30 pm, muttering “come on, come on, Mama needs that green star.”
i am. my feelings are mixed on it, though i do like what it’s actually good at [counting steps]. i have a flex.
I just joined (A.O.).
I am pretty meh on the whole thing, I have a zip though so it’s just hilariously low maintenance, there is no way I’d be using one of the wrist band ones.
I just got a Charge HR this weekend! I’m really enjoying the challenges. Apparently I DO have a competitive side. Thanks for linking the Toast group! I joined as Eva.
Yes! Thanks for the group, I just joined!
Yes! I got a flex almost a month ago and I’m obsessed. I am obsessed with the sleep stats.
same here, so far since Christmas I have learned that A) I sleep like total crap and B) silent alarms are the BEST
*love* my fitbit, I’ve had it for over almost 2 years now. I have the zip. I’m not sure if I’ve lost any weight as a result, but I’m definitely more conscious of how much I walk each day.
I’m there and in the Bit O Toast group (same name)! I could definitely use some motivation to get me going this year!
I technically have one but my cat’s commandeered it as her favorite chew toy, and also I’m lazy as hell.
I didn’t know there was a group. Thank for the tip!
I use it more for calorie tracking than steps since some days I wake up and it’s almost dead and then I have to leave it somewhere to charge which means a whole day of walking around and not get credit. And what is even the point of walking if my device won’t congratulate me on it?
And yeah, MFP is way more detailed, but I find fitbit has better UX for the lazy.
ooooo knowing that there is a Toastie group may be motivation to start wearing mine again! When I wore mine (about a year ago) the only people I knew who had one were my mom and my aunt who both were not very good at charging theirs!
I have one but I stopped using it after a while and when I tried to charge it back up it didn’t charge. I didn’t know there was a group, maybe I will dig it out and see if I can get it to work.
I just got one as well, this is exactly what i need to know. Thank you for this post!
YAY! I love mine. I love how it thinks my dance class is “sport”. And how it thinks lying in bed watching Youtube videos is sleep.
But I actually do really love it.
I’ve joined the group!
Ra-Ra-Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen?
There was a cat that really was gone.
Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Russia’s greatest love machine!
It was a shame how he’d carry on.
I pray that someday a song is written about me claiming “it was a shame how she’d carry on.” That seems like a pretty decent legacy to have.
(Someone find an empress I can seduce.)
They put some poison into his wine!
Rickman as Rasputin. Sigh.
Here today, up and off to somewhere else tomorrow! Travel, change, interest, excitement! The whole world before you, and a horizon that’s always changing!
Hey guys, I’m still on a self-imposed New Year internet-interaction ban, but gosh it has been a sloggy week, and I need this open thread to get through Friday. Woof.
If you care to, would you share with me the Little Things that have been making your days better so far in 2016? Here’s my shortlist:
1) A Sonia Kashuk velvet matte lip pencil in Berry Nude
2) New-to-me blogs: http://www.alexandracooks.com/ and http://www.thejungalow.com/ for inspiration
3) Gardein fish-free fishsticks
4) Attending my first-ever baby shower this weekend and I’m really excited for it. I got a couple Eric Carle board books for the baby.
How about you?
1. I am late-stage pregnant nesting and my house is SO CLEAN.
2. Chocolate
3. I got a very pretty mug for my birthday last fall, and drinking out of it is so delightful.
4. I finally caught up on Saga and The Massive and good lord, I had forgotten how awesome comic books are.
1) Congrats!
4) Saga is absolutely amazing but man what a punch in the emotions it is. I only read the trade paperbacks so I’m not really caught up, but I sure hope some decent things happen for their family soon. I haven’t heard about The Massive, maybe I’ll check it out now that Hawkeye has ended!
Saga I always read gingerly because BKV can be a right masochist. But is it wrong that I would make it with both Marco AND Alana? Because I would. #hotandfictional
If that’s wrong, I don’t even know what right is.
I have a big vase of irises and tulips on the dining room table at home, and it’s making me smile every time I walk by it.
Mini Spring! Delightful!
Best idea! I think I will take the toddler out to the store to buy some flowers this evening.
1) Cooking in my Instant Pot
2) Signed up for Spotify premium
3) Trying out perfume samples – so far I like Alien and the cedar and fig ones out of the Atelier Azur collection.
3) Perfume is my favorite beauty product! Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb is my winter scent go-to, it’s delicious.
I love Flowerbomb so much!
Yes to perfume! I got a bottle of Lolita Lempicka for Christmas and, while I’m a pretty habitual non-wearer of perfume, I’ve been putting it on every day and it makes me feel fancy.
I love Lolita Lempicka and it’s on my regular rotation! That big licorice opening is one of my favorite things in the world.
I know Angel is the Big Innovative Thing but I think Alien is the single best thing Thierry Mugler ever came up with.
1) Having gone my entire adult life so far without rainboots, I ordered a pair of bright pink Hunter wellies and they arrived in one business day! I’m picking them up at the post office today. I am very excited for my dry-footed future.
2) Cooking at home again after 2 weeks at my parents’ eating really heavy Romanian/Swiss Christmas foods (soooooo much sausage, so much polenta, I went days without so much as laying eyes on a vegetable)
3) A whole bunch of books I had on hold at the library came in at once
4) I rediscovered a MAC blush that I hadn’t worn in ages and it’s really nice and gives me a ~subtle glow~
Rainboots change everything. As a person who hates everything about the rain other than its life giving role (and even then I have always maintained that I sleep enough that if it only rains while I’m sleeping the world will remain alive), my rain boots are the only things that keep me sane on a rainy day when I cannot remain safely indoors the entire time. They change ever journey from an exercise in judging puddle depth by sight and then hop/jump/flying to the next dry spot, inevitably failing and having soaking wet socks/shoes/feet/pants for the rest of the day to an exercise in asserting your dominance over the elements by walking wherever you want without fear of the damp. If only I had discovered rain boots twenty years sooner.
All of this is to say that I am really excited for you and your cute new boots and wish you a future of dominance over the rain especially through even more cute boots! Seriously, rain boots are the cutest and the funnest!
I second every word of this! I got rainboots in a fun pattern and now I don’t have to remember to cross the street on high ground, *and* I get compliments from total strangers at least once every time I wear them.
I have pink Hunters, too, and they are delightful! It’s so fun to splash through puddles instead of eyeing them fearfully. You may already know this, but def get some warm socks or liners – Hunters keep my feet dry, but not exactly warm!
1) The fact that my FB feed has been taken over by adorable dog posts ever since joining the “Can I Pet Your Dog?” group (unfortunate side effect: I now want a dog more than ever, and mr. ksek is still pretty against it)
2) Being able to park in an attached garage in the winter for the first time ever. (We also had said garage last winter, but it was still full of moving boxes)
3) Rich White Ladies, who I’ve listened to non-stop ever since the No Bad Vibez post a couple weeks ago
4) My budding collection of enamel pins, which complement my fully bloomed collection of sweet blazers.
3) GOOD. Wimbledon gets stuck in my head like noooo other.
4) Not to enable anything I shouldn’t, but have you seen these roundups? http://www.abeautifulmess.com/2016/01/enamel-pin-…
Ooooh no I haven’t, thank you! (And no worries on enabling — just accepted a full-time offer at my current part-time gig. I can afford a few new pins 🙂 )
Can you just kick mr. ksek out? Dogs are pretty amazing and I’d take one over a man any day 🙂
I got him on board for cats, I hoping the same can eventually be done for a dog!
I made marmalade last weekend! Two kinds – mandarin/lime and grapefruit/lemon. How did I get through life pre-marmalade? I recommend the delicious citrusy goodness of it to stave off winter blahs.
(My best friend got me the Blue Chair Jam Cookbook for my birthday in December, so we are jamming through it together.)
That sounds amazing. If I was a different (better) person, I would suggest a mail swap of pickles and jams and relishes.
I would be so into this during northern hemisphere summer. Pending whatever my surgery situation turns out to be maybe I can help organize!
1) Lemongrass oil in this really cool light/diffuser thingy my sister got me for Christmas. It makes my room smell delicately of something like light and early spring.
2) The aforementioned really cool light/diffuser thingy.
3) FANCY PAINTS oh my god I love my beautiful, beautiful mixed-media paints so much. I’ve taken the last 3 days off from painting because I just needed a brain break, but I left my work-in-progress in the middle of my room so I could admire those textures. Siiiiiiiiiigh.
4) This hair oil my BFF gave me. It makes my hair cape so silky.
1. Darjeeling tea
2. Starting to exercise again after the miscarriage
3. Reading tons of Johnlock fanfiction
Yay! Tea and fanfiction, that sounds like a good afternoon. And especially congratulations on #2. You go, Toastie!
This week has been interminable. But—
1. One more payment on what was once a massive credit card balance and then I’ll be credit card free!
2. This month’s Birchbox was stuff I’ll actually use.
3. Zentangles. Is it a cult? Stress-reliever? I’m not sure, but it’s fun.
4. I can sing the entire (minus two places I always stumble) Hamilton OBCR from memory. You can catch my one-woman show weekdays in my car between 7 and 7:45 am.
Zentangle is totally a cult but I don’t mind because it’s tremendously soothing.
Right!?! Every time I start and finish one, I think “Hey! I made a thing that didn’t exist before!” It’s like a little self-esteem shot for my pride.
1. Woohoo! You are awesome! Great job sticking with it.
2. I had never heard of a zentangle, but I totally believe in illustration as self-care. Buying myself a cheapo watercolor palette was one of the best decisions I made last year.
Ah, this is so important to do, but I never do it! The good things!
1) Going to see a musician this weekend at a venue that is a) small, b) has assigned seats, and c) allows outside food only from the pizza place next door.
2) Planning weekend trips for this late winter/early spring (Denver! Cleveland!)
3) Starting to swim laps again at the gym!
3) Looking forward to watching the Alan Rickman Sense and Sensibility this weekend and all the therapeutic crying that will occur.
1) I drunk-bought a fancy electric blanket on Amazon last week when it was -10 degrees here, and it is making me SO HAPPY in the evening to wrap up in it and be warm while reading or internet browsing. I realized I’ve spent most of this and past winters being just chilled enough to be irritated about it most of the time.
2) Brand new bright coral lipstick. I have been wearing YSL Pur Rouge Couture in color 52.
3) Buying fancy olives to eat with toasted English Muffins for breakfast. The black olive-cured kind are my favorite.
I have that same lip pencil and it is G-R-E-A-T-!
I’m having myself a really rough week, so this is good for me to do.
1) Rediscovered some boots I bought from a thrift store and forgot about
2) The dealership guys I got my car from and their affiliated car mechanic have been some of the nicest sales people I’ve ever met! I keep having car issues and they are fixing everything and are a joy to talk to
3) cooldogs.tumblr.com
4) bunnyfeed.tumblr.com
I’m so shocked by how much I like this lip color, I seriously feel like I could wear it every day (although if I want to do that I’m going to have to get much more religious about lip moisturization. Winter air, y’all.)
* Hot water bottles
* Reading fanfiction as a reward after doing something difficult
* Listening to music by my favourite band (Coil)
* Getting letters from long-distance friends
* Caffeine
I decided to start taking more regular breaks throughout the day so I’m not so damn sedentary. I have a plug in that takes over my computer screen so I pretty much HAVE to do it. It’s turned out that those breaks mostly turn in to playtlme with my dog, which is pleasant for the both of us 🙂 So that’s been making my days better and probably making me healthier too. Yay.
1. Marathoning New Girl on Netflix. It’s my new after-work obsession. Electric blanket, tea, New Girl. Although I’m just now starting season 3 and everyone tells me its awful so I’m hoping its not as bad as I’ve heard.
2. Trader Joe’s daffodil bouquets are already out in my city! The first sign of spring in Florida imo
3. My birthday is this weekend and my friends are throwing me an old fashioned slumber party in celebration. There will be face masks and s’mores and I can’t wait.
– Work has been so slow this week that I’ve been getting a LOT done on my own creative writing projects. (Word doc open = looks like work.) How to be an ~artist~ and still afford to eat? The answer is: get a really boring office job.
– I got a long overdue haircut and it was everything I wanted, plus some other stuff I didn’t know I wanted until the stylist suggested it! My last haircut experience left me disappointed and furious, so this was GREAT and I will be going back to the salon.
1) One of the lovely ladies in my knitting group gave me a drop spindle so now I spin too!
2) Port wine cheese spread
3) Watch just so much “Great British Bakeoff.” It’s so soothing.
I’m here but not really back (yet!) Just quickly dropping in to say see you all next week! I’m not thrilled with the prospect of returning to work, but it will be nice to be on the internet more often/reliably. I’ve missed you all so much!
MANKA MANKA MANKA HI I MISS YOUOOOOOOU
Helloooooo!
Hello!!!!
Woohoo! See you next week!
Mental health/medication question in the reply!
So, I just got formally diagnosed with ADD-Inattentive subtype, which is both a relief and kind of life-shaking. My psychiatrist has me trying to figure out what dosage I should be taking of my meds, and I was wondering if anyone else has had experience with a diagnosis as an adult and trying to figure out how to integrate with it. Also, any experience with the meds would be awesome. I’m tempted to talk to my doctor about the non-stimulant options given how bad my anxiety spiked with a low dosage the first time I took the Adderall yesterday, but any insight would be SUPER helpful.
FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THIS as I literally went to the doctor this very morning to discuss the very same thing.
Stimulants are also no good for my anxiety, so I am starting on Strattera once I’m tapered off my Wellbutrin-containing medication in a couple of weeks. I’ve been on Strattera before and it was… man, it was kind of life-changing. The only things I can say about it are: take it with a glass of milk in the morning or you will not love life by midday; you will wonder where your life arc would have gone if you’d had access to this stuff during college; some anxieties will calm down REMARKABLY especially those due to imposter syndrome.
THANK YOU!!!
I mean, I literally just took 5mg of Adderall for the first time yesterday, but I ended up with A. a headache and B. crying on the phone to my mom because I got so overwhelmed by anxiety about getting things done. I’m seeing my doctor on Wednesday, so I’m going to keep with the dosage experiment until then (the headache doesn’t seem to be an issue today) but it might be a good idea for me to talk about non-stimulants with her as well.
I desperately wish I had known this before my last 8 months of grad school- my whole experience would have been RADICALLY different. I just want to shout from the rooftops that I am not a lazy failure. It’s incredible.
There is a popular book about adult-diagnosed ADHD that’s called “You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!” because it’s that common of an experience for those of us diagnosed as adults.
I’ve been on Strattera for a very long time, I’ve never met anyone else on it! and no doctor I’ve been to has ever heard of it. Fun.
Completely changed my life and I literally would not be here without it. I found I just all of a sudden had motivation to do things, if I wanted to do something I’d do it! Where as before I’d lie in bed thinking about how I wanted to do something.
But yeah, the stomach thing; . I took one dry once and I think it burst in my esophagus, WORST DAY EVER. And once its done, there is nothing you can do about it. Never made that mistake again, I always eat first and then take it with milk!
Jumping awkwardly into this thread–
I was diagnosed with ADHD-I around age 22 and had a brief fling with trying out medication, but an always-booked doctor and lack of motivation (which… figures. organizing doctors visits, prescriptions, insurance and pharmacies is pretty much a storm of terrible for someone with adhd) meant I just dropped the whole thing after a while. Now five years later I’m realizing I should probably start taking it more seriously for a whole bunch of reasons. Thing is, I have no idea how to go to my doctor and bring this up again without it being weird, or drug-seeking, or whatever else my anxiety is telling me it will be. And all the organizational crap that went into it the first time scares me and I don’t know how to summon the willpower.
It took me literally two years, two full years, from realizing I needed to be re-medicated to working up the courage to talk to my doctor about it, even though she’s in the same practice that prescribed my meds in 2004, even though the dx is in my chart, even though I have been struggling a lot and seeing the doctor a lot for other reasons. So I totally hear you, and you are okay, I promise. The quicker you can do this, the quicker the anxiety parts start to go away, and it will get so much easier.
The good part is that all this stuff is already in your chart. Your doctor SHOULD be understanding about the obstacles because they’re part of the disorder. You’ve already got the dx, and that’s the hard part. Starting a new job was, for me, the final straw in pushing me to actually DO this. If there is something in your life that you can pinpoint as potentially being much, much easier with medical assistance, focus on that and describe it to the doc and it will give them exactly the info they need.
Thank you so much, that is all super helpful. The annoying part is that I still haven’t transferred my records to my new doctor, so… I’m going to go ahead and make that phone call while I have the will. It’s hard– I know, objectively, that this is a Thing I Have thanks to brain tests but there’s still that doubt that no, I must be faking it or just a lazy idiot like I always assumed.
You can do it! Even when my therapist said she was 90% sure I had it and I have ZERO history of ever taking any drugs recreationally, I was terrified to mention it to my psychiatrist, because what if the examples I came up with weren’t good and I was just a lazy failure? But no, she said it was classic and it was just the ADD and anxiety talking. So tell them you’re not looking for a stimulant, and talk to them about your history and your symptoms and they’ll take you seriously.
I’m rooting for you!!!!!
Ahhhh thank you, you are too kind! <3
We have a Toast ADDer slack group for between-open-threads discussion of just this sort of thing! If you want in just email [email protected] (I have to invite you because Slack requires it, so I need an email address.)
I love my meds and I’m currently going through the wringer trying to figure out how the fuck to get care as an adult (apparently the NHS hasn’t heard of ADD in adults and there’s literally no counselors with experience with it.)
I finally got a prescription renewed for my meds, but its the wrong dose, so I have to back! Yay.
Re the non-stimulant, I’ve been on Straterra for years now; I started on a very small dose for my size (apparently), 20mg and have gradually gone up to 60mg over the years (I can often feel when it stops working). My only concern for you is that it can be really expensive (I think it was 120 euro a month back home without my exemptions that mean I get it free), so check before you agree to go on it!
Also always take it after food and with lots of liquid, Houblonchouffe is not kidding, you will hate yourself for quite a few hours if you don’t. Its so caustic and causes the most awful heartburn
Thanks so much! I think I might have just had a rough first day with the stimulant (I had to deal with some of my worst anxiety triggers), so I’ll see how upping the dosage goes and talk to her about what my health insurance will cover. I’m currently VERY lucky to have wonderful health insurance through my graduate program, but I’ll be leaving in ~8 months so if I can use the cheaper option, that’s probably preferable. I’m super, super lucky to have a brilliant new therapist who is the one who suggested I might have it and a psychiatrist who I love.
Good luck! I never got the stimulant medication (well apart from recreationally…), I think my doctors thought I was a drug seeker, or I would sell it or something; I don’t know, the ‘is a drug seeking degenerate’ reputation has followed me since childhood (Where as a friend of mine went to the same doctor and made up some vauge ADD symptoms and got an unlimited supply of Ritilan which she then snorted for a few years. They’re not so good at spotting the degenerates apparently)
I can imagine a stimulant setting off anxiety though; its a symptom of almost all ADD medication (incl Strattera). I’ve developed a pretty bad case of anxiety in the last few years, and I’m not sure if its because of the ADD, because of the meds for the ADD, or just completely unrelated. A therapist would really help here…. if only they understood adult ADD. FML.
As for starting your meds and integrating them; I would avoid alcohol for awhile, when I started Strattera I was high a fucking kite for at least two weeks until my body got used to it. There’s also possible nausea.
Have you taken regular medication before? If not, find some way to work it into your routine; Morning is usually best for ADD meds, I take mine after breakfast and they’re in the kitchen cupboard. I used to have a big sign beside my mirror that said ‘MEDS’ and a bottle of water and the packet on the window sill so I’d remember to take them.
Also also, if you miss a day DON’T take two to compensate. I don’t know about stimulants, but with Strattera an over-dose 1) makes you fucking high 2) has the opposite effect its supposed to have and will make you revert to your worst ADD self (Something to do with nor-adrenaline, which is the brain chemical lacking in ADD people, but too much of it can also cause ADD symptoms, which is why just upping your dose doesn’t always work)
Thanks for the advice! I am currently on anti-anxiety meds and have been on them before, but since I’m so freaking forgetful (which I always assumed just meant I was dumb until now), I’ve figured out ways to make myself remember to take meds. Hopefully once I can focus better, it’ll make remembering to take them easier.
Definitely will not take double the dosage if I forget! My psychiatrist said that she usually prescribes both long and short-acting meds in case something like that happens- if I forgot to take the long acting pill, I can take the short-acting one and not mess with my sleep. All those psychopharmacology classes I’ve taken over the past few years are finally coming into use…
My psychiatrist said that she usually prescribes both long and short-acting meds in case something like that happens
Such logic. If only I could find this in a doctor.
If I could clone her and send her to you, I would. I just happened to choose a doctor who works a lot with students with ADHD and felt so bad that she missed it when I first started seeing her a few years ago. I WANT EVERYONE TO HAVE A DOCTOR THIS WONDERFUL ugh maybe i should have been a psychiatrist
I pay out of pocket for my psych nurse practitioner even when I have insurance because having someone who “gets it” is worth every damn penny.
(It’s norepinephrine, actually. Strattera is a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor.)
I once knew someone on an adult ADHD forum who went to the UK for a year of university only to find that nobody over there would give her ADHD medications. It’s still seen as something only kids have by most people, even doctors. She had her provider at home mailing her the medications, which was probably illegal. Poor thing.
Sigh. Yeah that’s what I have been doing for the last two years; but I thought I’d be grown up about it and get everything sorted properly. That was clearly a mistake, I’ve been living off my emergency supply for the last year, but that’s about to run out (somehowm6 years on the same medication means I had a ton of it lying around!)
It seems I can get the meds now, its just the psychiatric care that’s impossible to find (basically you have to organise it all yourself, which is fun with ADD, unless your suicidal the NHS won’t really help)
I’m all in favor of single-payer healthcare, but I always think “please let it be better than the NHS at mental health stuff though”
I love the NHS with a firey passion, but they have the same faults that all medical systems have at the moment; mental health is just not a priority and is severely underfunded (I manages to get a crisis evaluation and this is what the docteo said to me.) Most of the funding they do get goes into youth services, as I’d patients are magically better once they’re 18.
For me, finding the right dose was a really long process. I don’t really feel different when I’m on them, I just act differently, if that makes any sense. So it was too easy to say “I’m not sure anything is happening?” when I went to my appointments. At one point I was taking 3x the dose I’m taking now and it seeeriously messed with my anxiety (and my health in general, actually). Now I’m taking 15-20 mg daily (I take a 5mg in the afternoon if I feel myself drifting) and I’ve added an anxiety medication. Things seem to be working out pretty well for the time being. I take it every single day, too, so that it’s just sort of my baseline now.
Oh, yeah, this: sometimes it’s worth it to ask the people around you to keep an eye out, like a significant other or a coworker you trust not to gossip. My boyfriend can tell when I haven’t taken my medication, even when I feel normal.)
Hah, I take my Ritalin as soon as I wake up, so I have spent many, many days wondering if I actually took my pill or just dreamed that I did. But now I have a live-in boyfriend around to say “why are you looking for your belt when you’re already wearing a belt and already late to work? Did you miss your pill?”
My mother was diagnosed with the same thing last year, at the age of 58! I don’t know anything about her medicine situation except she takes two doses a day, morning and afternoon, and she really notices it when she misses one. Like, REALLY notices, starts to fall apart and panic about it pretty quickly.
But it’s been very, very good for her- there’s a lot of basic life tasks where she just assumed all her life that she was a failure, when it turns out nope! She can actually tackle intimidating chores like a sink of dirty dishes without a crippling fear of being the Worst Mother Ever! It hasn’t fixed everything, of course, but there’s a huge difference in her base-level state of mind when stuff does go wrong.
That’s exactly what I’m hoping happens. I too have felt like a failure at basic life tasks and the level of relief at knowing it’s largely a brain chemistry thing is just…indescribable.
I can’t do Adderall. Settling into a dosage of Concerta that worked for me was a miracle.
Me neither. People always talk like Adderall and methylphenidate are the same but Adderall gives me palpitations and makes me feel like shit.
Yeah, maybe they’re the same if you DON’T have ADHD, but they really aren’t if you do. I have tried regular ol’ Adderall as well as an extended-release form of the same chemical (Vyvanse) and they a) didn’t do jack shit for the whole ADHD thing b) made me cranky c) gave me headaches when they were ramping out of my system. Methylphenidate in its Ritalin form is AWESOME for my ADHD, but the sharp onset/offset, not so much. Concerta has a much better easing in/out format that works really well for me–I work very, very long days, and I really need that gentler release.
We have a Toast ADDer slack group for between-open-threads discussion of just this sort of thing! If you want in just email [email protected] (I have to invite you because Slack requires it, so I need an email address.)
Oh man, that’s funny because for me it’s just the opposite. Methyphenidate=bad, Dextroamphetamine=good.
Me too!
I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type at 20 (like, a few months ago), and take Vyvanse. It has changed my life, and also not spiked my anxiety, but I am on a cocktail of other meds for bipolar and anxiety.
I’m on Vyvanse and so far we have not gotten to a dose that does anything for me! May I ask how many mg?
In other news, we have a Toast ADDer slack group for between-open-threads discussion of just this sort of thing! If you want in just email [email protected] (I have to invite you because Slack requires it, so I need an email address.)
I’m on 50mg. Started on 40 and really felt it for a few days, then nothing. 50 helps more than nothing and lets me function but i still struggle. I probably should be on a higher dose.
A dose of Vyvanse high enough to work for me was a dose high enough to make it impossible for me to eat. Bummer.
Hey, I was diagnosed with ADD-Inattentive at age 27. I read Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction, and they were really helpful in reframing how I viewed myself, though there were parts about how helpful it was if you had the right partner and right job that weren’t particularly cheering when I didn’t have either. In terms of meds, I started by trying Ritalin, but it kept me up at night and made me really nauseated when I took it in the morning. The next thing my doctor had me try was 2.5mg of Adderall (I used a pill splitter), and it worked really well for me. I felt calmer, and I had a much easier time remembering things and focusing. 5mg was too much for me (I have anxiety issues too), so maybe a lower dosage would work for you.
OH BOOKS I HAVE OPINIONS. My fave authors for ADHD books are Hallowell and Ratey (they did the “driven to distraction” series) and Sari Solden. She has several very good books specifically on adult ADHD and women with ADHD.
AHAHA THIS IS MY WHEELHOUSE YO.
There are a tiny number of non-stimulant meds. The only one that’s specifically just for treating ADHD is Strattera. Problem is, it only works for (wild guess from being on forums of adult ADHD folks) about half the people who take it, and of that number, half quit from side effects. If it DOES work for you, without onerous side effects, it is a gift from the heavens above, because it’s like an anti-depressant in that you build up to a certain level and then it’s constant as long as you take it every day; and it’s not a controlled substance. (intensedebate hates it when I write long comments so this will be in multiple comments, sorry)
(My personal experience: it helped great with my ADHD. It also made me narcoleptic for a while–literally every time I sat down I was asleep–and when that wore off I got late-onset insomnia instead, and the kind of vivid nightmares I still remember with a shudder over a decade later. Also it killed my libido. HOWEVER. This might not happen to you.)
That’s interesting about people quitting strattera from side effects; I’ve never really gotten to talk to other people who took it. I guess I’m lucky in that I’ve had zero side effects and it is a gift from heaven! (I think it might have made my periods a bit heavier, but I’m not sure if it was the meds and now I’m on the pill)
I wish it had worked out for me. I’ve become used to arranging my life around my Adderall, it’s second nature to me now after so many years, but lord amighty it would be nice not to have to mentally calculate difficult tasks/meals/sleeping, around the four-to-five hour window of my doses.
Could have been worse, though. A male friend of mine found that Strattera made it so he couldn’t pee.
Strattera made me so sleepy as well. Like ‘worried about driving myself home from work because my eyes keep closing’ sleepy. It wasn’t great.
My doctor told me it only worked for about half of his patients, but those that have success with it, LOVE it. *Jealousy*
Yup. I was so narcoleptic. Fell asleep on the bus, fell asleep in class, fell asleep at a PARTY. It was crazy.
Among the stimulant meds most people seem to find that some variety of “amphetamine salts” aka Adderall works best. There are many formulations of it now, including immediate release, extended release, and Vyvanse.
All the stimulants are controlled substances, which is a pain in the ass. Also, once they wear off they’re gone. Some people have a short rebound effect, some don’t. They also all have the same list of side effects: dry mouth, anxiety, sleeplessness, appetite suppression, and mild euphoria. Most people find that the side effects become manageable pretty quickly, and that the difference in their ADHD symptoms makes it worth it. YMMV.
I find that I am actually far, FAR more anxious WITHOUT stimulant medication.
The first time I took Adderall was an epiphany. “Oh my god, this is what I’ve been missing?!” It’s not perfect–it doesn’t work as well as it used to for me, but I find that if I increase the dose I just get an increase in side effects. It’s just glasses for my brain–not a cure, just helps me function. I’ve been on pretty much the same dosage of Adderall IR for a decade.
If I were your doc (I’m not a doctor at all), I would start you on Adderall XR on the lowest dose and then move up if you’re handling it okay. The racing heart and sleeplessness really does get better within a week or two, but if it’s intolerable than back off.
It can take awhile to find the right med and dosage. It is absolutely positively worth it–if you wear glasses, picture your life both with and without them. For me it’s at least that much of a difference in my life. They will have to take my Adderall out of my cold, dead hands. (also again, sorry for the many comments, intensedebate hates long comments for me)
People have already covered this pretty well over the weekend, but I’ll just chime in quickly here with my experience as someone who was diagnosed last March.
I started with a fairly low dose of Ritalin. 2.5mg three times a day was okay and I began to feel better, but as soon as I started upping it, I got really bad eye twitches. I would’ve lived with them, but my doctor was concerned that they could be permanent if I stopped the drugs.
My doctor moved me onto dexamphetamine because apparently side effects on one stimulant often disappear on another stimulant. That wasn’t the case for me. The dex was a harsher, more anxious feel for me than Ritalin, and the twitching was worse.
Then we went to Strattera, the non-stimulant. It doesn’t work for everyone, but those that it works for LOVE it. It’s reportedly a lot gentler than the stimulants. For me, it made me sleepy. Like ‘afraid to drive’ sleepy. So nope.
Now I’m back on Ritalin, but in a long acting form – one pill in the morning that releases over the course of the day. I’ve tolerated that a lot better than the short acting stuff – very few twitches. I’m back to the doctor tomorrow so we can try upping my dose.
Also, my anxiety got a lot better on the stimulants, just because for me they repaired the ‘oh my god so much to do what do I do need to do something’ — ‘so go do it’ connection, that meant I wasn’t drowning nearly as much. YMMV.
Moral of the story:
1. Stimulants work for a lot of people and my medication path has been uncommonly long, BUT
2. If this drug doesn’t work for you, a different stimulant, or the same stimulant given in a different format might give you totally different feelings, AND
3. Non-stimulants are also a solid option.
Good luck!
Aahhh I’m so glad you started this thread! I finally sought an ADHD diagnosis earlier this week, after debating it (both internally and with my parents) for over a decade. Unfortunately, the psychiatrist I saw was a nightmare of a patronizing, impatient meds-pusher. He diagnosed me with it, and while I don’t have faith in his process (he talked to me for less than 30 minutes and used an outdated photocopied checklist), I realized that the diagnosis wasn’t really a question for me–I was just looking for someone to 100% legitimately confirm it so that I would stop telling myself that I was making excuses. But in our crappy medical system, finding a doctor who could do that is difficult.
Anyway, he basically told me I need to go on meds or my life will continue to be a mess. (Nevermind that I never said my life was a mess, because he didn’t even ask.) I’m not going back to him, but I am wondering if I should still look into meds with a more competent psychiatrist.
HAHA I’m pretty sure I know exactly what checklist you’re talking about. My therapist said it’s not to be used for a formal diagnosis, but it’s good to tell if you’re on the right track.
Both my therapist and my psychiatrist, who I trust fully and have been wonderful, have told me that meds are definitely the way to go for ADHD (and I’ve done my own research and read papers and concur fully). But you want to be comfortable with the person prescribing them, so I would definitely recommend finding a doctor you like better. It’s always your choice whether you want to take them or not, and talking about it with someone reasonable will help clarify that choice.
Yeah, I think I’m willing to try medication, but not with someone who insinuates that I’m stupid/crazy to be reluctant. It’s extra-frustrating because my CBT therapist in the same practice has a much more balanced view–she said most of her patients who get an ADHD diagnosis end up choosing to take medication but understands my hesitation–but, of course, she isn’t licensed to diagnose/prescribe.
Out of curiosity, what’s your hesitation with the medications?
We have a Toast ADDer slack group for between-open-threads discussion of just this sort of thing! If you want in just email [email protected] (I have to invite you because Slack requires it, so I need an email address.)
YAY emailing right now 🙂
Did… did we see the same psychiatrist? I had a very similar experience!
I just wanted to say how reassuring it has been for me to read about other people’s experiences of figuring iut the correct meds to manage their ADD. Like many women, I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 20s and have felt SO frustrated by my seeming inability to finish things. I’m still working out a really effecting method for myself- but taking medication has been a huge part of it. I just restarted Wellbutrin this week and it’s more effective for helping me focus than the last time I tried it.
Better living through chemistry, indeed.
We have a Toast ADDer slack group for between-open-threads discussion of just this sort of thing! If you want in just email [email protected] (I have to invite you because Slack requires it, so I need an email address.)
Finding the right dosage and right medication can take time. After being on old-school ritalin and adderall I am now on concerta, which is a time-released version of ritalin. Mostly because I didn’t like taking another pill in the afternoon. I forgot most of the time. Also if you have anxiety and drink caffeinated things you may end up feeling like the world is ending if you combine that with stimulants so be careful. Get enough sleep and make sure to eat right, get regular exercise. I realized when I would forget to take my afternoon does of adderall I would suddenly be craving candy and cigarettes, and I don’t smoke 🙁
Also, medication is a lifesaver, but learn some coping strategies. Probably you have figured out a lot of them since you’re an adult that adulted enough to go to grad school. But now that you have the push from medication and you’re feeling good because you can point a finger at a diagnosis, think about what things trip you up in your daily life, and figure out what you can do to make them non-issues. Like, I am terrible at judging how long things actually take to do. Medication hasn’t miraculously given me a better understanding of time and space. But now instead of arriving 15 min. late full of anxiety and feeling like a failure again, I do what I can to make sure I am on time, even if it means I’ve misjudged it so bad I’m 30 min. early. I’d rather be super early, killing time in the bookstore or rewarding myself with a chai latte and a pastry for not being late. Setting up automatic bill pay, finding a calendar system that works and continuing to use it, doing your best to keep your living space organized and clean (get professional help if needed)…there are a bunch of things you can do to make your day-to-day living easier and more pleasant in the long run.
We have a Toast ADDer slack group for between-open-threads discussion of just this sort of thing! If you want in just email [email protected] (I have to invite you because Slack requires it, so I need an email address.)
Joining the recent ADHD diagnosis club (at 21 years old)! Just spoke about it with my psychologist and it truly is life changing to have the words to describe decades of seeming laziness and procrastination, not to mention the emotional issues. I’m going to move up a psychiatrist appointment to sort out the medication part next week-ish, but I wish you the best of luck!
We have a Toast ADDer slack group for between-open-threads discussion of just this sort of thing! If you want in just email [email protected] (I have to invite you because Slack requires it, so I need an email address.)
Question about trying to get knocked up, will leave it in the reply.
If I just went off birth control like, a week ago, should I start charting everything now or just wait a while? I have no idea what a normal cycle looks like for me anyway.
Not fertility related, but my period was remarkably normal after going off birth control. It follows a very similar cycle. No real hiccups
Why not? It might take a few cycles to normalize (or it might not), but if you’re charting you’ll know when a pattern develops. You’ll need a few months to see it, at least.
Start charting now, but also realize it might be irregular. I went off in October and it was normal for the first two cycles and then crazy the third (it was close to two weeks late with insanely tender breasts for the last week and a half before the dam finally broke). The more charting and keeping track of things you do now, the easier it will be to figure out what “normal” is for you once it normalizes.
Start now! Less because you’ll get useful intel (which you may or may not), but because you’ll be in the habit. I charted for a full year before we were like, let’s make a baby! and the info and patterns that emerged were fascinating.*
*to me.
Might as well chart now, right? I mean, do whatever works for your mental health-some people get anxious and over-obsessed with this kind of thing, and it is CRAZY how many different things you can chart, my brain shuts down every time I open the Ovia app on my phone-but if it doesn’t stress you out, go for it!
Good luck!
Plenty of women take a couple months to become fertile after going off the pill (or other hormonal methods), but plenty are fertile right away! No reason not to start keeping track now.
I have a period tracker app, but ngl, I’ve started tracking more of my symptoms just because I’m positive I ovulate several days before my app says I do, and I have a copper IUD and have zero plans to ever get pregnant. More info about your body is always a good thing, IMHO.
Start now! Plenty of people get knocked up perfectly fine without charting, but I found it super fascinating. My cycle was perfectly regular right away, but even if yours isn’t it’s good info to have. And if you do end up having trouble conceiving (fingers crossed), the longer you’ve been charting the better.
hi toasties, give me PORTLAND recommendations, please! it’ll be my first time there, i’m going with my boyfriend on our first trip together, and i’m excited!
we’re going mid february for a long weekend, and we’re staying at the crystal, downtown. but we’re public transit pros, so as long as it’s accessible by bus, we’re okay.
best brewery/brew pub? i think we’re kind of overwhelmed by choices here.
best hikes/nature strolling/vistas/lookouts we can get to without a car? nothing crazy strenuous but we’d love to see some nature.
best bookstores besides powell’s?
best places to get pie? i know portland is a donut town, but…pie!
plus food food food! and things to do, strange shops we can’t miss, etc.
I am not from Portland and have only visited once as an adult, but I adored Pine State Biscuits. So much delicious breakfast food. Also, you can go across the street and get tea from Townshend’s tea to drink while you wait in line (at least this is what Mr. Thuja and I did).
a quick look at the menu, and ooh wow, we’re going there. thanks for the recommendation!
I should mention that the tea option is only if you go to the one on Alberta street (I think, I don’t know about Townshend’s other locations in Portland). Also, if you go there for breakfast, you won’t really need to make a plan for lunch. So. Much. Food.
Re: Pine State: they have two locations now, so if you want Townshend’s tea do the Alberta location.
Also: Portlanders love brunch, enough that Portlandia made a skit about it. Popular brunch places can have lines over an hour long on the weekend. Weekday brunches are better.
Food: Definitely Tasty and Sons (they have some other restaurants in the area that are good too)
Last time we visited we went to this Swiss place called Swiss Hibiscus, which was also really good.
You can check out the Rose Gardens, they are also connected to the Japanese gardens and other parks. We were able to walk there from our hotel downtown.
thanks! i’ve heard a lot of good things about the various “tasty +” restaurants.
Tasty & Sons is one of my fave places to take out of towners- esp. for brunch!
also seconding the rose test gardens for views and slightly nature walking- if you’re using transit to get around during your visit, just take the MAX to the zoo and you can easily walk around.
If you’re feeling outdoorsy, walk the wildwood trail from Washington Park (Rose Garden) to Pittock Mansion and you will be rewarded for walking uphill with a beautiful view.
Pie Spot! Pie Spot! Pie Spot!
this sounds relevant to my interests. thanks!
I also like Pacific Pie Co!
And Random Order on Alberta, especially the coconut cream.
Deschutes Brewery!
Tea Chai Te in the Alphabet District has a brilliant Chocolate Chipotle Chai tea, and tons of others if spicy tea sounds weird to you. Very nice place to hang out. That neighborhood is nice to walk around in too.
Brunch is a Thing in Portland, I only made it to Mothers but it was delicious even though the wait was over an hour (don’t go on Sunday morning unless you are down for a long wait)
OH OH Cacao Drink Chocolate, just fucking do it, don’t ask questions.
And the public transit system is a-ok, my mom and I stayed way up north and took the light rail in every day, and took the bus wherever we needed.
ooh thanks!
I was going to say Deschutes is in Bend. . . and then I remembered they opened a location in Portland. Ages ago. My brain is tired this week.
View & Brew Movie Pub Baghdad! That is all.
thanks!
There are several theaters with beer! The Baghdad is lovely, but Laurelhurst and Academy Theater are great too.
Food / Drinks: THE BYE AND BYE. All vegan comfort food. Amazing cheap huge cocktails. Best veggie meatball sub I’ve had.
Their BBQ Brussels’s sprout bowl is one of my all time fave bar foods.
ooh thanks for this!
They also own The Sweet Hereafter on SE Belmont, the namesake drink of which is my favorite forever and ever amen.
Food carts are definitely a Thing in Portland and there are pods of them all over the place, particularly downtown. They’re a great option for if you don’t want to stop for a full meal or it’s just a nice day (nice being relative for Portland in the winter. You might get here during the one week of teaser spring, but prepare for grey.) The Clinton Street Theater has been during Saturday midnight showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show for over 30 years, so that’s a great option if you’re night people.
thank you!
Salt and Straw ice cream is SO good, worth going even if it’s freezing, it’s just the best.
i’m a fan of ice cream regardless the season! thanks!
We went to this little place called the Tugboat Brewery, right downtown, and they had super cheap snacks, board games, and a hilarious bartender. Serious Eats had a cool round up of PDX breweries too! We did a bunch from the list and ended up trying some really cool things.
The sub from “The Hunt for Red October” is on the waterfront, too, and it’s a nice walk to check it out, if you’re a Tom Clancy nerd like me.
thanks!
Yay Portland! I hope my favorite city treats you well–tell it hello from me.
If you like Scandinavian(ish) food, try the brunch at Broder…and by ‘try the brunch’ I really mean ‘eat aebleskivers until you explode.’ I also remember their scrambles being excellent as well, if you go in for more savory brunch foods (plus, they come in adorable little square pans with equally adorable hand-sewn quilted handle protectors).
For lunch or dinner, I recommend Red Onion, a Thai restaurant on NW 23rd. I used to live near there, and of all the restaurants in Portland, I think that’s the one I miss most. If you eat meat, get the Po Pia Sod (Chinese/Thai fresh rolls) and/or the sausage fried rice; both are delicious.
Broder. yes.
thank you! i loooove aebleskivers so this is right up my alley.
I have nothing to contribute but I’m really glad this thread exists because I’m literally looking up flights to Portland to visit my partner this summer and I’m so excited to see the city!
This is my first comment because I am #1 lurker but I live in Portland so feel like I should chime in.
For hiking, Forest Park is *huge* but a good intro is the Lower Macleay Park Trailhead, you could definitely get there from the Crystal via bus/streetcar and a bit of walking. If you’re a super hiker, you could do (sometimes steep) hike from there to Pittock Mansion where you can tour the mansion and on a good day it’s great views. Lower Macleay is also good for just a quick out and back loop that will take you past an old abandoned rest station that local people call the Witch’s House. (relevant to toast interests) http://www.oregonhikers.org/field_guide/Pittock_M…
The less strenuous version is taking the Max to the Zoo and wondering around Washington park and the resevoirs. http://www.oregonhikers.org/field_guide/Washingto…
I’m not much of a beer drinker but I would second someone’s shout out to The Tugboat, that place is super chill and if you want the full Portland startup/beer culture experience you can head across that little street to Baileys where they have all of their current taps computerized on a menu behind the counter. Also Mary’s Club, Portland’s oldest strip club is right next door. http://www.baileystaproom.com/
If you like a good cocktail and old fashioned ambience, I would highly recommend the Driftwood Room inside the Hotel Deluxe a few blocks from the soccer stadium (and walking distance from the Crystal) – the bartenders know what they’re doing and will make you an amazing cocktail. http://www.hoteldeluxeportland.com/eat-drink/drif…
Bookstores besides Powells – If you watch Portlandia and want to go to the feminist bookstore they do skits in, that’s on the north side of town on Killingsworth and 14th. I’m not sure it’s worth a trip on it’s own but it’s within a short walk from Alberta if you go to the Pine State Biscuits. There’s a bookstore on Alberta called Monograph for art books and a kids bookstore called Greenbeans(??)
Alberta St is totally worth a bus trip. Lots and lots of stuff there, bars, shops of all kinds and a pie shop called Random Order Coffee house. (Also Salt and Straw in on this street) There’s also as Indian food place, Bollywood Theater, I’ve heard great things about. http://www.travelportland.com/article/alberta-art…
This is already too long, but there’s a lot of interesting stuff here. So come at me if you want more!
this is fabulous! thank you!
(Should we have a Portland toasties meetup? I think I’ve counted three of us!)
Four.
LO. I have started a facebook group called “PDX Toasties,” should you be interested in joining.
Yeah! I’d be up for that.
LO. I have started a facebook group called “PDX Toasties,” should you be interested in joining.
yes!
LO. I have started a facebook group called “PDX Toasties,” should you be interested in joining.
I’m enjoying reading through these because I grew up in Portland and am back here now and yet still don’t have good answers to 90% of these questions. Guess I have some things I need to do now. But I agree with the food carts comment, the salt&straw comment, the forest park comment, and the rose garden comment. The Chinese gardens are also beautiful (though not much of a hike).
Heyoooo I’m in inner SE between Ladd’s and Powell Blvd, you?
Also: I “grew up” here in the sense that my family moved to Aloha/Beaverton when I was in high school in 1995, and we’ve lived here since.
LO. I have started a facebook group called “PDX Toasties,” should you be interested in joining.
They’re a chain, but they only exist in a few cities on Earth, so I say go to Blue Star Donuts for your donut and coffee fix.. They are delicious and for my money they are better than Voodoo (who have good but not great donuts and lines since they’re so famous).
http://www.bluestardonuts.com/
If you dig whiskey you have to go to the Multnomah Whiskey Library. It’s amazing and the chairs are so comfortable you will never want to leave.
https://mwlpdx.com/
Also, just throwing this out there, weed is legal in OR. Do with that info what you will.
i’ve heard a lot of good things about blue star! thanks!
Voodoo is un-good. Blue Star has a lot of fans (but expensive and twee). I like Coco a lot.
On bookstores, you’re in luck cause the Oregonian just did a list of non-Powell’s stores: http://www.oregonlive.com/books/index.ssf/2016/01…
It’s not on their list, but I also like Bingo Used Books, although it’s over in the NE, so would be kind of far by bus.
ooh, thanks for the link!
i lived in portland for eight years! you will love it! best things:
books not from powells: microcosm publishing! my bffl is their inhouse illustrator but they are a well known indie publisher and their shit is dope.
nature: mt hood, or laurelhurst park. another great place to chill and have a bottle of wine is skidmore bluffs, in north portland. it’s behind someone’s house and overlooks the willamette and the railways.
food: le pigeon, of course! also great: pok pok, ned ludd, BEAST, screen door, tasty & sons, the food cart pod on 14th and Hawthorne ish, por que no.
drinks: clyde common, the multnomah whiskey library, farm, roadside attraction. my favorite dives are church, dots, or the slammer.
sorry that most of this stuff is in SE portland! that is where i spent the majority of my time, haha.
My ex-boyfriend has stuff published by Microcosm and has done some of their illustration work too! (Shawn Granton) Portland is really a small town sometimes.
this is great, thank you!
Yes hello I live in Portland! Hi!
There isn’t any best brewery/pub. Definitely look at reviews of places, but honestly, every dang neighborhood has a bar (or six) with eight million options for beer, and I prefer that to going to a specific brewery. I really love Apex on SE 12th and Division for its beer list, but there are tons of other places, that one just happens to be in my neighborhood!
Hikes/nature vistas: Mt Tabor is a really popular spot for a reason–it’s close to lots of places. Council Crest and Rocky Butte are both a little more out of the way, but have really great views as well. Forest Park has semi-wild hiking starting a short-ish distance from the Zoo max stop. Wherever you walk to find views/nature, there will be hills, and this time of year it’s likely to be raining. There’s a reason we all have raincoats with hoods.
….I seriously pretty much only go to Powells, especially considering they have several locations, so I am useless for bookstores that aren’t Powells.
Pie is becoming more of a thing here, but many places use lard in the crust, so I end up only getting pie at BiPartisan (worth a visit, honestly, if you’re near Montavilla neighborhood) or Sweetpea Bakery (which is all vegan).
In terms of shops: pick a neighborhood, find its main street, walk up one side and down the other, voila, lovely shops. For food: FOOD CARTS. They are (relatively) inexpensive and delicious and everywhere, often in groupings called pods. Many of them are open/closed odd hours, so if you have your heart set on trying a particular one, look up their facebook or twitter.
thank you so much!
If you have a chance to drink Caldera beer, do it! The ipa is actually tasty and fruity instead of a bitter hoppy overload like a lot of craft beers, and their chocolate stout is one of the things I miss most about living in Oregon
thanks for the tip!
I got to work yesterday to discover that Alan Rickman had died. I got home to discover that the majority of the Anglican Communion had voted to send the Episcopal Church to its room for the next three years so we can think about what we’ve done. Yesterday was a long day.
If I may share – I am going to Harry Potter World next week, and I am looking very forward to having a solemn butterbeer in Mr. Rickman’s honor.
That seems appropriate.
Oh, I also realized last night that I had at one time had “Perfume” on my Netflix list, but then I waited too long to watch it and it was removed. Razzafrazza.
I really like Perfume. You should seek it out. Though I’m the only person I know who likes it, and I sometimes have weird taste.
I may have to once again venture into the world of slightly non-kosher media acquisition.
Update: we have apparently not officially been sent to our rooms, as the people who suggested that have no actual power. However, the world has been notified that the leaders of several provinces feel that we ought to be sent to our rooms, until we repent the evils we have done.
I’m so proud.
Drynuary check-in! It’s week 2! We’re nearly halfway through! How are you feeling? Did you crave a drink after a rough day of work?
I’ve been having a pretty crummy week emotionally, and some bourbon would’ve felt nice with my cry/sad music listening in the dark yesterday, but I resisted.
I was craving a good burger yesterday and actually managed to go out for one without a beer. This is remarkable because all the best burgers in Philly are in brewpubs/gastropubs, and I haven’t had a burger without a beer in years. I wanted one, but I worked on just sitting there with wanting one and enjoying my water and it worked. Next time, who knows?
We have morphed our Drynuary to “Fuck everything, we lost Bowie and Rickman” over the last week, BUT I have a feeling that even the minimal dryness actually has been a very good re-set for us both and that was the intention. We are both feeling a whole lot better, sleeping better, etc, and have agreed that a couple of drinks one or two nights a week is a sustainable way of cutting back our intake.
I had a social event on the weekend that I was anxious about and drinking would have been really helpful. But I had a Shirley Temple and left early.
I just realized I’ve been inadvertently Drynuarying, yay!
Mine came about after consuming a truly astounding quantity of alcohol over Christmas week, and then being incredibly sick for New Years Eve, and overall just being kind of tired of drinking.
It helps that work has been incredibly unstressful lately, and also that I’ve been drinking shocking amounts of tea. I’d also been getting a little too fond of top-shelf whiskeys, and it’s really rewarding to see how much money I’m not spending!
Good on you for respecting the decision you made to not drink, even though bourbon goes so well with melancholia! (meant to be actually supportive, not sarcastic, tone can be difficult.)
Any challenge my Drynuary might have posed has been greatly eased by having the flu for 10 days thus killing any inclination for booze. I’m finally feeling physically better, but got a little sad yesterday while contemplating the inherent challenges in my romantic relationship and thought it would be nice to have a glass of wine at home while making dinner. I didn’t get a bottle of wine while at the market, that feels like my first actual Drynuary accomplishment.
Congrats on resisting the urge! I have been doing well so far, and I’ve definitely noticed an improvement in my sleep. It also feels like time has slowed down a bit, which is a nice relief after feeling like the weeks were just washing over me for a while. This weekend will be a challenge though. I’m tempted to make an exception for weekends, but I worry it will bleed over into weekdays as well.
I’m semi-Drynuary-ing (zero drinking at home/while out to dinner but I’m letting myself have an occasional social drink at very specific events) and have been drinking lots of seltzer water and fancy ginger ale! Which is kind of making it fun, like, “Hmm, which fancy fizzy new thing should I try today?”
Toasties, my husband is going away for a month. My plans include a jigsaw puzzle and blog work and stuff, so please give me your best recommendations for songs to sing along really loudly to (to stave off the quiet and scare the cats). I need some good Belting Out anthems.
GREAT question! YMMV on these, depending on your favorite genres and vocal range:
1) Anything by Brand New. You don’t need to be in tune, you just gotta have a lot of PENT UP EMOTION.
2) The new Panic! At The Disco album just came out and I’m digging it
3) Liz Phair, because she ranges from pure pop (Why Can’t I) to upbeat/crushing (Divorce Song) to totally inappropriate and good to sing along with when you are fully alone (WHC)
4) Little Mix – Hair, How Ya Doin’, Salute, Love Me Like You
5) This playlist from 8tracks: http://8tracks.com/nearhighnoon/misandry
Yay Little Mix! I adore Wings and had it on repeat for a solid month back when I first found them.
I’m not sure if it ought to be belted, exactly, but the song I shriek/sing when alone is Sia’s “Chandelier.” It scares the bejeezus out of my cat.
My Silver Lining by First Aid Kit. As bad as I normally sound singing anything, I like to make it even worse by singing it while I’m on the treadmill.
Oh and anything by Florence and the Machine, particularly Heavy in Your Arms and Howl.
Yes to Florence! My current favorite is Delilah.
Topically, a lot of David Bowie is a pretty good bet. I popped my best of cd in after the news, and found myself really going for “Young Americans,” which has never been a huge favorite of mine or anything.
“Lady Stardust” is amazing for belting!
I suggest anything you’d like, but with the lyrics switched out to things about your cats.
Shove, by L7.
Spotify has a playlist called “Songs To Sing In The Car” that might meet your needs perfectly.
anything bonnie tyler. ANYTHING.
Did she do anything other than Total Eclipse of the Heart? (which is, admittedly, the perfect belting out song.)
My personal favorite is “holding out for a hero” but Bonnie Tyler makes even her vast back catalogue of terrible songs the best ever. Also “Wuthering Heights” by Kate Bush omg
Hey Ya! by Outkast (the chorus more than the verse)
Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley
La Vie En Rose
Rumor Has It by Adele–really, most Adele songs will work for belting
I also enjoy belting along to Cake’s cover of Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps.
Seconding Adele. . . Send My Love (To Your New Lover) is also good for this.
Deeply satisfying 90s yell/belt song: Santa Monica by Everclear- “I AM STILL LIVING WITH YOUR GHOOOOOOST” etc.
Having applied almost no thought to it, here’s the playlist I have saved in Youtube as “Singalong”: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLO1I05E-2b…
Any and all songs from Disney movies released during their renaissance in the 90s.
Particularly (topical with Link Roundup) Poor Unfortunate Souls!
I Wanna Dance With Somebody – Whitney Houston
meant to be sung LOUD! especially the key change, not that I could ever hit it :3
I really enjoy several of the songs from the musical Buffy episode (“Once More with Feeling,” available wherever fine music is downloaded).
“I’m Lonely (and I Love It)” by Future Bible Heroes.
It’s actually a break-up song, but it’s kind of fun to sing when you’re alone in the house because your still-very-much-loved one is away.
“Sax Rohmer #1” by the Mountain Goats/anything at all by the Mountain Goats!
“Hounds of Love” by Kate Bush!
“Sister Cities” by Hop Along!
“Mr. November” by The National!
“Tournament of Hearts” by The Weakerthans!
Like obvs I don’t what you like, but this is what works for me!!
*opens ‘Mic Busters’ playlist on spotify*
Zombie (The Cranberries)
You & I/Speechless (Lady Gaga)
I Just Want to Make Love to You (Etta James)
Lots of Florence
A Fair Amount of Regina
Love on Top (Queen Bey)
Chicagoland Toasties,
Group sales of Hamilton tickets have been on sale for the Chicago show, and I was thinking… what if we got a group?
Is that a thing people would be interested in doing?
If it’s a thing people would be interested in, could some of you help me figure out logistics? I’ve never organized such things. But with enough interest and logistical help, it could possibly be done? Maybe?
I am interested, and I can help. Are you on the FB group?
I am not! Please point me to it?
Search “The Toast – Chicago” and just ask to join!
Done!
I too will do this, despite living in the wilds of Northern Michigan, if that is OK.
I am in. And will join the FB group.
I figure everyone is welcome, as long as they can get to Chicago!
WAIT WHAT THEY ARE WHAT
I have a small-ish group, 4-6 people, who will want to go sometime next fall.
Groups only count as 20+ people, but 4-6 means that we only have to find 14-16 more! It’s a doable number.
If you’re interested, we’re talking about getting a group together with some folks down in my neck of the woods. I can follow up once I know more.
Yeah, keep me posted. MrChouffe and I were thinking about making it an anniversary trip, but we’ll be spending a long weekend downstate for the Detroit Marathon right around that time so I don’t know how Chicago’s also going to fit in there but I guess we’ll see because frankly I will MAKE it fit in.
If you join The Toast – Chicago Facebook group (search for The Toast – Chicago), I will be posting updates there. If you don’t have a Facebook account, let me know, and I’ll figure something out!
no facebook – but absolutely, definitely 100000% interested…
I can add you over to my event page sans facebook – it just requires an email address that you’d probably be reluctant to paste here. Trying to find a way to send you a private message; Twitter? Tumblr? Some account somewhere?
ME! I’m in!!!!!!!
If you join The Toast – Chicago Facebook group (search for The Toast – Chicago), I will be posting updates there. If you don’t have a Facebook account, let me know, and I’ll figure something out!
Great! I just joined. This is a fantastic plan.
OH ME ME ME ME.
If you join The Toast – Chicago Facebook group (search for The Toast – Chicago), I will be posting updates there. If you don’t have a Facebook account, let me know, and I’ll figure something out!
I’m free! I’m finally through with codeschool/bootcamp! This means that I have time to actually keep up on an OT again, which means we get to do another #ToastieTwitter #FollowFriday!
Follow someone new here: https://twitter.com/embryoconcepts/lists/toasties
And let me know if you want to be added to the list!
I’m @bindavisdraws, I promise I’m done tweeting about toilet rats.
Thanks for posting the list link! I got into a kind of zen rhythm clicking ‘follow’ ‘follow’ ‘follow’ ‘follow’ and now I’m in an enhanced cerebral state.
You can throw me on there @Edeniade though I imagine my timeline would only be of interest to people that like all-caps yelling & sports, frequently at the same time.
add meeeeee, @thephantommilk
I need to get back into the habit of tweeting more often, tbh
I cannot remember if I’m on the list officially or not, but I am @gripyfish (currently locked because of jobsearching reasons, but I approve follow requests from basically everyone not a spammer or bot)!
Add me! @jessenigma (Locked but only to keep me out of search engines)
I’m trying to move back into tweeting a bit more – I love Tumblr and all the Toasties I follow, but damn they need to bring back the replies, so Twitter it is.
I’m @holachel, I don’t really understand how to use Twitter other than listening to the cool kids make jokes but I am trying to fix that this year!
I’m @don’t be stuck up ! My new years resolution is to do better jokes on twitter, promise.
I’m @karilyn! I mostly just retweet funny, political or pretty things.
I’m getting a kitty today! Her name, at least for the moment, is Charlotte, she is chubby, and she drools when she cuddles.
Also, does anyone want to talk about Steven Universe? I just finished the latest batch of episodes and I have some seriously gooey Feelings about this show.
Ahhh, drooly kittehs are the best.
Sure, let’s talk about Steven Universe
Let’s talk about how Ruby and Sapphire’s love for each other
Let’s talk about how the messages are “act on love” and “be who you truly are”
Let’s talk about how beautiful the drawings and animations are
Let’s talk about Peridot’s arc
LET’S JUST TALK ABOUT IT OKAY
I remember a while back they altered the intro credits a bit, I wonder if they’re going to change it up again next time and add Peridot??
Do you think Peridot is going to stay part of the Crystal Gems, or will she have to sacrifice herself at the end of the season/take Lapis’s place restraining Jasper/return to her homeworld to start a revolution?
PERIDOT FOREVER
I know a lot of shows like to maintain the status quo, and in those shows Peridot would somehow be written off about two episodes after her official Redemption, but Steven Universe just doesn’t feel like that show to me. I think Peridot’s here to stay, and one by one the power of Steven’s Friendship will redeem Lapis and Jasper and whoever Centipedle really is…
I hope so, if Peridot vanishes I’m going to be SO MAD
Let’s also talk about how a show aimed at kids doesn’t shy away from emotional complexity and is confident in letting quiet moments play out. I just… I love this show guys!
Oh! Since you mentioned the beautiful art of Steven Universe, I have to take the opportunity to talk up a little-known webcomic by Amber Rogers, a storyboard revisionist on the show, which has a very similar aesthetic: NeoKosmos. It’s very short so far but it looks like it’s going to be quality. It has an intriguing world and good pacing and developed characters, and it seems like it belongs to the same broad category as Steven Universe, Homestuck, and Undertale. I like it a lot.
Ruby and Sapphire are a one hundred percent one way ticket to tearing up and The Answer was no exception. Also can we talk about Yellow Diamond? Also, Patti LuPone’s voice acting?
Congratulations! Looking forward to the inevitable cute pictures 🙂
There will be so many pictures 🙂
I am very happy with how the recent arc concluded. I did not really believe it was possible for it to end that way, and I was completely faked out by the fourth episode in the bomb. It’s nice when I get surprised by a happy ending. I feel like that’s a much harder twist to pull off than a surprise sad ending – take that, Game of Thrones!
My ex has a pair of kittens, a mom and baby. Their names are Pearl and Steven. It’s the best.
I have a Charlotte kitteh too! Love love love.
OMG KITTY DO YOU HAVE PICS
I always want to talk about Steven Universe! It’s the only thing I ever want to talk about.
Oh!! Can we see the drooly kitten? I love chubby cats.
I marathoned most of SU this past weekend; I think I’m 50-odd episodes in. The most recent one I watched was Jail Break, where I learned about Ruby and Sapphire and I cried so much about them that I couldn’t watch any more. “Stronger Than You” is such an amazing song and I just love. Can’t wait to see more of Peridot’s arc!
I find my attention drifting a little during episodes about the other residents of Beach Town. Just me? I’m just way more interested in the Gems.
I haven’t overheard any tremendously stupid comments from my coworkers, but my library tech has been really ornery lately.
Earlier this week she stormed over to rant that she wanted to buy a book on Amazon.com but the seller wouldn’t ship to Canada and this is a blatant violation of NAFTA! She complained bitterly that “they’re talking about bringing Mexico into NAFTA” (???) and why should Mexicans be able to benefit from free trade agreements when she can’t get a book shipped from the US to Canada? Don’t we have rights?
Yesterday I couldn’t track down a report that we should have 4+ copies of in the stacks, according to the catalogue, which she is responsible for. When I asked her about it she said, “Oh, no, those were all lost years ago.” Okay then maybe you should update the dang catalogue since like half your job is keeping that thing up to date. Maybe spend less time stewing about NAFTA and more time doing your job.
I told her I was going to a local document imaging place to get a quote on how much it would cost to get a report scanned into PDF (we only have one hard copy so it’s not available for loan or ILL), and she said there was no point because other libraries in the country have hard copies of that report so if anyone requests it we can just redirect them. It’s a really important report produced by this department, still being used as a guideline and reference in policy-making today. It’s ridiculous that we don’t already have an electronic copy of it! How fucking embarrassing would it be for me to have to tell people “Lol I know we wrote this in the first place and it’s a landmark document for us and it was paid for with public funds but I can’t supply it to you, ask someone else.” That’s literally the opposite of what my job as a librarian should be. It’s our damn responsibility to make it available to anyone who wants it. Hell, it’s our responsibility to make it accessible even if NOBODY requests it, just on principle.
*librarian ragequit*
Ughhhhhhhh to buying anything from Amazon.
(Sorry, not the point of your article. I’m sorry you have to deal with crabby workmates.)
I so badly want to NAFTAtroll your coworker now by depriving her
of more free trade rights [sic].
Yeah, as a fellow librarian I know how much people love being told that you can’t just email them a PDF of whatever they’re asking for.
We have ~50 years worth of historical documents on microfilm and when I asked if we had money to get any of it digitized, my boss actually laughed out loud.
One time someone spent the entire day at the microfilm machine printing out one of said documents, page by page. It was over 800 pages. I admired their commitment but they shouldn’t have had to do it in the first place.
I’m in a government agency where the Powers That Be are all “isn’t it great that we still have a library at all when so many other government libraries were shut down!” but in reality, my operational/acquisitions budget is a joke which keeps me from achieving anything meaningful in terms of service delivery.
I am also a government librarian (technically archivist though) drone and I cannot imagine a single one of our patrons being that patient or understanding. Granted, we only have one working microfilm machine and that’s for staff only (fingers crossed that it never breaks).
Luckily, our former boss was all pro-internet in the 90s so we started scanning stuff back then. Sadly, we still scan things like we’re in the 90s. So, we put a lot of 1,000 page reels of microfilm on our catalog as PDFs that patrons cannot download. Fun times!
My new boss’s line is “evolution not revolution.” Bah!
That patron printing out page by page could have been me, a few years ago. My employers were dinosaurs/technophobes and insisted on dictating the methods I used to do my job. That is, they had me doing the most bass-ackwards things when I knew three other ways to use current tech to get the work done in a fraction of the time.
But since they paid me by the hour …
HELLO TOAST ACADEMY-ITES
We are starting class on Monday! Hop on over to The Toast Academy forum if you’d like to study some philosophies with braak and me and others. We will start Monday with some Problems in Philosophy, and jump into Classics in Western Philosophy on Wednesday. Most of the course materials can be acquired here, at MIT’s Opencourseware site; we will be going through 24.00 (Problems in Philosophy) and 24.01 (Classics in Western Philosophy). The plan is to do these courses over eight weeks, and you can do one or both as it suits you.
join us, you know you want to
Unrelated to the Toast academy (which sounds super awesome), I had a dream last night that you were a supervisor type at my job (not my real job of course, some random dream job) and I had to go and meet with you and you turned out to be A Man. It was very odd and my dream self kept thinking “but I’m sure I didn’t mis-gender Houblonchouffe, where did I make this mistake?”
Wow!! That’s hilarious and awesome (I am rarely/never a presence in dreams, I think?) but I am certainly not A Man 🙂
Toast Academy GOOOOOOOOOO!
Ugh. I really want to. But I also need to sleep.
As far as free festivals go, I visited the Central PA Festival of the Arts whilst on a college-scouting road trip, and it was AWESOME. There were hundreds of vendors selling all kinds of artsy stuff, live performances, a crapton of food stalls, and this one area where you could watch as people made chalk street paintings. Also I got to pet a giant rat snake. A++, would road trip again.
That’s in State College, right? I’ve heard of it, but never made it out! (And sadly no longer in central PA 🙁 )
Yup! Penn State didn’t work out for me, but that festival sure did.
Rat snakes are particularly awesome. And FAST.
Shall we have a newsletter thread? I may have gone a little overboard with them lately (I think I’m subscribed to several dozen tiny letters), but there are some gems.
Two only just started but have really impressed me with their first letters: Grief Bacon, by Helena Fitzgerald (tinyletter.com/griefbacon) is just wonderfully written, and I know several Toasties who’ll love The Rec Center, which is all about fanfic (tinyletter.com/elizabethandgav). The second issue of the latter, full of Star Wars recs, should go out today!
Older ones I love: Amanda Nelson talking about raising her twins in a completely unsentimental and frank way (Madam Ovary: tinyletter.com/amandanelson), Leila Cohan Miccio boosting writing by women (Uptalk! tinyletter.com/leilacohanmiccio) and of course Two Bossy Dames which is a major source of joy (and gifs!) in my life (tinyletter.com/TwoBossyDames). And I only recently discovered A Woman to Know by Julia Carpenter (tinyletter.com/awomantoknow) but it’s pretty great.
So: any more recommendations? Feel free to self-promote, too! I already subscribe to one great Toastie newsletter (tinyletter.com/sfbillimoria) but I’d love to know if there are more.
(edited to make it slightly less linky)
I subscribe to TOO MANY NEWSLETTERS and I love it. Some to add to your list:
WEIRD PERSONAL EMAILS, by Liz Galvao http://tinyletter.com/lizgalvao
So Very, by Hayley Krischer http://tinyletter.com/hayleykrischer
Jamelle Bouie’s irregular newsletter http://tinyletter.com/jbouie
It’s infrequent to never, but when it happens, Things I Love, Things I Fear is absolutely storming.
Woman To Know looks great, I’ve subscribed to that.
Also self promotion! I do tinyletter.com/feministfriday. It’s every Friday morning (pretty much guaranteed for the Americas, often for Europe, never for Asia). You can subscribe and enjoy my links about ladies!
I have never been more flattered to be included on a list!!!! whimsy&angst is here for all of you! tinyletter.com/sfbillimoria
(also, i have been loving griefbacon so much)
I started with Two Bossy Dames and have been branching out based on their recommendations – glad to see some more recommendations here!
I’ve never heard of this Tiny Letter thing, but I am very intrigued!
It’s really just a way to easily send out a newsletter – it manages sign-ups, unsubscribes, sending letters and all that. Plus, you can archive the letters, which means it can also function sort of like a blog!
(Pssst I also have one at tinyletter.com/hedwig)
oh, i also really like jamie keile’s — http://tinyletter.com/commodityfetish
I have been idly toying with starting one maybe weekly with cool links and thoughts I have been thinking. Any other toasties who can chime in on whether or not they’ve liked doing it?
I really like doing it! Mine morphed a lot since I started doing it, but it feels more free somehow than writing blog posts? Also more personal. It is very easy to get obsessive about how many people have actually opened/read the e-mail, but I try to avoid thinking about that too much.
Warren Ellis’ Orbital Operations is the one and only newsletter you’ll ever need.
Coincidentally, the last edition contained… a list with other cool newsletters, so I’ll just link you there: http://nwsltr.me/newrecs.html#archive?d=55d0c8cee…
Ellis’ newsletter contains: comics, art, culture/technology, stuff about writing, haunted things, occasional recipes and podcasts. Please don’t mind the comment about Toilet Fremen.
You guys. I’m going through a Thing right now, in the past few months. It started out as just wanting to redecorate my apartment, but now it has morphed into me wanting to replace everything. Dishes, flatwear, pots and pans, furniture, bedding and bath linens, clothes, art work. Everything.
I look at my “old” stuff and it reminds me of my car accident and subsequent traumatic brain injury (TBI).
After the TBI, I couldn’t take care of myself, much less my apartment full of fairly good quality
STUFF. So in the years afterwards, I mis-used a lot of stuff. Wrecked it. And now I look at it
and it fills me with despair. So I want to replace everything.
Of course, this is an expensive proposition, but nonetheless. But with my brain injury, I also
still do make bad decisions, and I think that, as I replace things, I will make mistakes. I will
buy things just to buy things. To get rid of the old. But I feel compelled to do this.
Has anyone wanted to basically ERASE all memories of a period of their life that wasn’t so good, was very very bad? How did you cope? What should I do? Stop myself from buying new stuff, or just accept that I want to do it? I feel like I’m in a depression right now, but I am giving the old stuff (that’s still fairly usable) to my daughter, who gladly accepts it. ( I also have bipolar disorder, and I feel like I’m using shopping therapy to get through this depression, or else that I’m in a mixed mania state and this whole Thing is a shopping spree. How do I tell the difference, I dunno. I do not know.)
Go and talk to a doctor.
I have PTSD, and in the past everything that could potentially ‘trigger’ emotional flashbacks or panic attacks I wanted to destroy. It sounds like an easy way of fixing things. However, you have to entertain the possibility that there will be things you cannot throw away that will trigger this depressive state. You also need to work out your problems in a way that is less extreme and potentially financially crippling.
Trust me, I know it’s really really hard, but it will be worth it in the long run.
I haven’t wanted to erase things, but I did a huge purge after I got out of debt, because my relationship to things completely changed. While in debt, I felt I had already spent the money on the thing, might need it, and didn’t want to spend again, so I kept everything. Almost immediately after finishing paying it off, I realized if I needed something, I could get it, but probably didn’t need most of it.
That said, there are times when I’ve upgraded an area of my life, and focus on a particular storage system or type of item. I think there can be lots of rewarding fun in taking your time with it, researching things, and really getting it right. You might get a lot out of simply purging without replacing just yet, and see how it feels to have less. Paint a wall. Look into how to make a lot of household items–you might get interested in putting your energy there.
I can see what you’re saying, it is a great opportunity to be ready to change everything up, but can get out of hand cost-wise very quickly. My sister got my mom Marie Kondo’s book, that works on the principle that you go through all your things and keep only what brings you joy. Then she has all these amazing ways of organizing the much-fewer things you end up with. My mom absolutely loves it, maybe there are some ideas in there for you.
” I think there can be lots of rewarding fun in taking your time with it, researching things, and really getting it right.”
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with this statement, since what I fear is just buying things too quickly and making mistakes. Re-focusing my efforts on research, and making this Thing more of journey would, in the end, be more fulfilling as well.
I am so very sorry you are going through this Thing.
I have bipolar disorder. I do not know how I would cope with that on top of your life-changing trauma, and I wish I could make it all go away for you. I also know how awful it is to feel that you must second-guess yourself whenever you are starting to feel good, watch for hypo-mania, doubt and doubt some more, seek permission from yourself for self-care. Do self-care, do as much as you want to whenever you want to, unless finances are another stressor. You are brave and deserve so many new things, so so very many.
I have tried to purge bad memories by getting rid of everything, but I found a slightly better routine that satisfies my urge and mental illness.
First, buy some new stuff. Not everything, but enough where you notice. I like concentrating on the bedroom because I think it’s the most personal area. So new sheets and bedspread. Repaint something if you can. Etc.
Second, don’t replace, rearrange. Your be amazed at what feels new when you just move furniture and things around. Sometimes looking new, makes it new. So if you can rearrange, try that. Even if it’s just switching DVDs to a different case or redoing your bookshelf.
Third, and maybe this is silly, but I think doing a ritual makes me feel better about a negative space. I like to buy cheap burning sage, fly around the house with it, then open windows and doors. After I usually burn a candle or essential oil if you have it. I like peppermint or lemon.
Of course you may feel like it doesn’t quite fix anything when you’re done, which is fine. But it’s a cheaper alternative. Usually when I had bad depressive spells I’d come out of it wanting to throw my enviroment in the garbage. So this became my “routine.” Hope this helps!
This sounds really really tough. I can’t help with erasing memories and this may not help at all but have you tried re-framing how you think about this stuff? This is a little woo-woo-y but hear me out- Stuff is made to be used. Stuff has a life span, even good quality stuff, even stuff that “people” say should last forever. You say you didn’t take care of your stuff, but you were busy taking care of yourself. That is a big job! You were (and are!) doing the best you can! And if that means you were a little harder on some stuff that’s okay, because it’s just stuff and stuff is made to be used.
You’re right, and it’s a simple truth, that even stuff you baby and pamper wear out. Even if I did take care of everything the “right way”, a lot of my stuff is probably past its Used By date. Okay, then. Besides which, is “stuff” more important, or am I more important? So, taking care of myself WAS the big issue. Thank you so much for saying this, it gives me food for thought.
So sorry you have this. I had/have a TBI from two years ago, was hit by a car (elderly driver 100% at fault) while riding a bike. It messed up all my life plans, I had just moved to a new city and ended up living in my friend’s basement, paying all health costs out of pocket – insurance has yet to pay damages, drained my savings, did job interviews and royally messed them up because my brain was damaged and my answers sounded like they came from a five year old. I didn’t realize it at the time, because brains. All this sent me into a bad depression – common symptom of TBI, which complicates things further. I totally get where you’re coming from. It is so hard to explain and to understand brain trauma. But best thing is find someone who is willing to understand and listen. I have a friend who I can text “i’m having a brain day” and she will listen to my babbling and tell me what makes sense and what doesn’t. Also, therapy with someone who can differentiate what responses are from brain trauma and what are from depression/anxiety and gets the big picture. And lastly, neurological therapy with TBI experts (they work with NFL players) has helped immensely, I do a lot of eye exercises, following dots and stuff – sounds weird but it helps your brain heal.
I just learned a bunch about TBI treatment from you that I didn’t know about, including neurological therapy and therapy with someone who understands brain trauma. I’ll have to ask my local brain injury alliance thingy about places here that have some expertise in that. I’m also very sorry to hear about your financial and job problems! So, so stressful and life altering, depressing and dark. (I finally have my finances under control, or HAD them under control, after years of negative bank balances. Yikes.) Thank you for responding, it’s good to be reminded that someone else is struggling with this.
My mom did this after/during her divorce. She got rid of things my dad had bought and not taken with him, which included sofas, so she didn’t have one for a while. She painted the living room a week before Christmas bc she couldn’t stand the color he had chosen anymore.
I get this feeling. The desperate urge to purge and renew. I like the suggestion below of trying to make some stuff. Maybe that would be good for you. Or thrifting for stuff. One of my favorite, favorite, favorite kitchen things I ever had was this pair of what were probably planters or something, old wooden boxes at any rate, that I thrifted and then painted yellow/red with black silhouetted roosters on them since my kitchen stuff was all rooster themed. I needed something to store my cooking utensils in and they were perfect.
Thrifting and making stuff are great ideas. I forget that I can do macrame, I can crochet, and I don’t mind painting stuff to rescue it. The forgetting is part of the TBI as well, so it’s good to be reminded that I have some skills that aren’t being used. New jewelry, macrame jewelry, is something I can do … .
Hell yeah toss stuff. A patient at work was reading this book (The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing) about the mental health benefits of throwing things away and going on and on about it. Not saying you must read it, nor did I, but I trust her enthusiasm.
Also idk I always think of when or where I got stuff when I use it. It does affect you as much as any factor of its usefulness. Would you keep a leaky pen or a pan that burns you or too-thin curtains? Don’t suffer just because it’s a mental problem instead of physical!
If I were you, I’d do it, like one thing every paycheck, with Good Memories. Make sure I’m shopping with a friend or traveling to a new town to thrift or doing something great with my day so the new stuff is good too. “Rescuing” cute mugs from goodwill or trying to DIY pot holders or rag rugs. Yard sales with nice people. Asian websites where you wait forever but pay half price for unique and adorable things. Good luck, I think you’ll be happy with your decision!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s a super shitty place to be in. Take some hugs if you want them!!!
I completely understand the urge to purge, especially when it seems like getting rid of your “triggers” would make your life better or easier. When I moved out of my parents house, I took all of my stuff with me. I then thought that all of it made me feel like garbage and I threw it all away. This did not make any of my problems go away. It didn’t get rid of my PTSD, it didn’t get rid of the horrible memories of childhood, it didn’t change anything. In fact, it just made it harder to confront things because I tried to make how I was feeling about something else, material possessions. It’s really easy to think that we can erase memories or a period of our life by getting ride of things, changing how we look, etc. But buying new things isn’t going to change that you have things you need to deal with and things you need to heal from. You’re going to be the same person regardless of what your home looks like.
YES. I did this after the epic failure that was being forced into teaching. It took about three years, but I eventually replaced all of my clothing and most of my home decor, and it really did provide a reset button.
In the interest of finances, replace a few key pieces that really bring up the worst memories, and plan on replacing, say, a small thing every month? (Pay attention to that shopping spree warning light, though.)
Just wanted to chime in to agree with the people suggesting rearranging/redecorating/replacing some of the worst things.
My experience, which may or may not be the same as yours, of course:
I had a TBI, less bad than yours by the sounds of it, but I did some minor redecorating around the same time that I was reaching a turning point in physical/neuro recovery and I reckon it really did help me also reach a turning point emotionally. Something about deliberately taking care of myself by making my space a home that I liked, I think?
On the other hand, I’ve tried massive purges to get rid of memories of other bad times, and they did not work at all. I guess the key is that I needed to be adding something positive, rather than just trying to get rid of something negative.
Also, brain injuries suck, have some virtual hugs if you want them.
ALSO
Those of you interested in getting on the mail chain for the Victorian etiquette book, please shoot me an email at ppyajunebug at gmail dot com. I’m trying to figure out a way to organize this, and gauging serious interest is the first step!
Oh wait sorry can I get some background on this, I’ve missed it? (Which is to say, based on only what you have mentioned here, I’m totally about to email you.)
Got the email 🙂
Basically, that Victorian couple curated a book of Victorian etiquette. I have already livetweeted her other two books (This Victorian Life and the corset one), and I got this one in hard copy to mail around to Toasties who want to write snide things in the comments.
Oh GOOD, it is this couple. That was my first thought and then I realized it could totally be possible that Toasties had a mail chain for an actual book of Victorian etiquette written in the Victorian era. Which, although that wasn’t my first hope, I’d totally want to hop on board that chain too.
I have one that was written in the 1890s (so a bit later Victorian) and I’d be willing to send that along with the horrible couple one if people are interested. The one I have is this one
Oooohh, you also did the corset book? Did you make a Storify?
Of course!
Great, thank you!
Man, reading it again, I’m now almost positive that Gabriel pushed the Victorian lifestyle as a form of 24/7 D/s living.
I definitely want to get in on this!! Will send an email when I get home.
i AM TORN.
I want to read this book, but I’m afraid I’ll throw it across the room and break my tv.
ooh ooh ooh! I would totally be up for that! Will email.
Oh heyyyyyy Toasties, so here’s a heavier question for y’all: my dad has melanoma in his brain, and my folks, and therefore my family, are getting all these different messages regarding outcomes and prognoses. Like, the radiologist was basically like, “Say your goodbyes, you have a few months,” and the immunotherapist is talking in years, and my parents themselves seem to think my dad will live to be 100.
So: how to balance all these different ideas? and the feelings that come with them? I feel like each new piece of information only clouds the picture, and I just feel sort of upset generally (cancer, you thief of joy), but I also want to be supportive to my parents and family, and I also want to be realistic? And there is no easy way through this, but maybe there are words out there that could help.
I wish so much there was something easy to say! My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year and it has been a very hard slog.
How long has it been? Things will change drastically with new or different tests and so on. I know for my dad there were lots of wildly different things going on until he had one oncologist heading his team who sort of commandeered everything and made sense of it all. So things may change drastically and quickly.
My only advice is counseling. I have a terrific counselor who also lost a parent at a young age and it makes a huge difference. Just being able to talk about all the different thoughts I have make thinking about them easier, if that makes sense. This is also great if you have a family like mine where the prevailing thought is Ignore and It Will Go Away and you never discuss things like this out loud.
It’s been about seven months since the initial diagnosis and a few weeks since the brain site was found. He hasn’t start either radiation or immunotherapy yet, but will in the next week or so.
I think counseling is a very, very very VERY good idea.
So, there has been a giant improvement in the treatments for Stage IV melanoma in the last few years. What really used to be weeks to a few months is now often months to years. And the change has happened quickly so some of your research may be throwing up info that is out of date.
I went through something really similar with my dad. He had a whole host of health problems (diabetes, congestive heart failure, skin cancer, etc.) and after one really bad episode his doctors told us that he could die at any minute and we all got together to potentially say our goodbyes. Then it turned out it was just a problem with different medications interacting and we went through all of that stress for nothing.
But over the next year his health kept deteriorating and we had the same thing with different doctors telling us different things. One doctor wanted us to consider hospice care, another said he could live another five years. My dad was always stupidly optimistic about his life expectancy and even as he continued to get worse and worse he still believed that he would eventually get out of the nursing home and move back home with my mom. I found this really upsetting because it was obvious to me that he was never going to get better and it was just a matter of when the house of cards was going to fall. My mom and his siblings disagreed though, and thought it was great that he had hope for recovery and encouraged it. I thought this was not very helpful and that he would have benefited from accepting the reality of the situation and making his peace with it rather than holding out false hope and magical thinking. It led to some pretty heated arguments but eventually I decided to just extract myself from the situation as much as possible. I would just make noncommittal responses when he talked about his physical therapy and how he hoped to be able to go to a Cubs game next season and tried to emotionally disengage from it as much as possible.
It wasn’t great but ultimately it helped me stay sane in the midst of all of the uncertainty and conflicting information. For what it’s worth, he did end up dying about a year and a half after the “he’s going to die any day” episode and it came as a huge shock to my mom, who despite being probably the most pessimistic person I have ever met always believed the most optimistic statements from doctors. But everybody has to handle it their own way, I guess. I personally was happy not to be blindsided but that might not work for everybody.
is there a hospice program available to your family? I guess if you are getting multiple prognoses you might not be able to officially enroll but hopefully you can at least talk to someone informally? I found the literature and chatting with the hospice nurses super helpful when my dad was getting close to the end – just knowing that this happens all the time, and there are common patterns and processes and professionals who have seen them over and over, was very reassuring. (for my dad, too – he was a very logical, rational guy, and that was the closest he could get to a clear step-by-step checklist about what was going to happen.)
big internet hugs to you & your folks <3
I’m very sorry and lots of love to you and your family.
My dad passed away from cancer that went from 0 to 100 very quickly, and the only thing I can suggest is checking out support groups (online or in person) for family members of cancer patients. There’s no easy way to handle the “I’m out to sea alone in a storm and there’s five life rafts but all of them have holes in different places” feeling that comes with different diagnoses from different specialists, but speaking about it with people who actually do understand (as opposed to well meaning friends who can sympathize but Don’t Know) I think is the best way to navigate and get ideas on how to be supportive of your family as well. It might not be possible for your parents to be realistic in this scenario, just to survive day to day emotionally, and that can also be really frustrating to deal with on top of like, general grief at the situation, and an outside community who still understands your situation where you can vent to can help.
Do you have specific online resources you can recommend? I’m looking for something that will not make me weep uncontrollably all the time – maybe a group with a dark and bawdy sense of humour about the whole fucked up thing.
I’m sorry that I don’t- I went to like a local teen support thing (I was an older teen at the time) which was actually just a bunch of shitty teens being shitty which was perfect. If you’ve never watched Blackadder, I’d recommend watching the last season of it, it’s a very dry and dark british comedy about soldiers during wwI and was surprisingly comforting (I also recommend the earlier seasons, but the last one specifically was like DEATH IS COMING but we’re not gonna cry about it we’re gonna make jokes about it)
I’m so sorry about your dad’s diagnosis. My own pop died from a astrocytoma of the brain. He actually went really quickly for a brain tumor, 9 months from diagnosis to death; in some ways it was a blessing, since brain tumors can be really long slow declines. And my parents were the same, we never talked about the possibility of death, he was going to beat it and that was that, so I think that made his death much more traumatic than if we had dealt with that possibility beforehand. I strongly second hospice care. A lot of people have this idea that hospice is only for the dying in their last days. But their whole goal is how to help the patient (and family) manage to have the best life right now. In fact, a lot of patients see a lot of improvement when they’re in hospice care. It might be a really difficult read now so gauge how you’re feeling, but Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is excellent–it’s a look at how the medical field handles dying and how it can do better. It talks a lot about hospice care in there which might give you a better picture of if that’s a good option for your dad.
I’m so sorry.
I would make a list, because that’s what I would do, so you get a list:
a.) don’t do research on survival rates for anything. Because keeping your knowledge on the downlow is hard. (My grandfather died from hospital acquired pneumonia, after open heart surgery. Mortality rate is super high for that specific combination. I had to lie to my family for 2 weeks about it, even as they were optimistic about his recovery). Don’t go there. It is not good, it is not fun, it is not helpful.
b.) Make sure your mom and dad have their affairs in order, which is generally good advice, because who knows, someone might get hit by a bus and suddenly may need a living will anyway. Do this in conjunction with counseling.
c.) Enjoy time with your parents, but take time off to just enjoy something by yourself or with a friend. This is going to be tough, taking a break every once in awhile is ok for your own mental health. You will be in a better place to assist your family if you take the occasional break. You don’t want to burn out.
Take one day at a time, rely on your friends, family and toasties.
Courtney Milan tweeted about Level Up a short romance by Cathy Yardley with a game coding heroine and a realist portrayal of sexism in the gaming industry. It’s good and also free on amazon and barnes and noble!
Edited to add: stupid tags not working. Grr.
Thanks, looks good!!!!
That was a fun short brain candy read. I have one unanswered question … <spoiler below >
SPOILER: I kept expecting them to get in trouble for dating while Adam was project manager of her projects but somehow no? Never came up? Even though that is why the ex gf got fired? Wha?
Thoughts on that???
Reading thread? I know if there’s one thing I need, it’s a longer to-read list (ha ha ha).
I’m reading The Moor’s Account, I forget which Toastie recommended it but thanks! Especially in light of that awesome historical fiction essay here the other day. Recently finished What Alice Forgot which was very sweet and funny, and White Collar Girl which had some flaws but was super compelling.
I read this article about race & nature writing this morning and it’s also full of books that sound great…the list grows…
On the recommendations of fellow toasties, I’m currently reading Kushiel’s Dart. I’m about 2/3 of the way through and very much enjoying it
I got 2% and was all “damn this is a long book!” this morning. But I may go back before it’s due.
I read Fangirl and then Carry On immediately after that and basically: all the hearts for Rainbow Rowell.
Just finished rereading Connie WIllis’s Blackout/All Clear! I love those books, even though the ending confuses me every single time.
ugh SO GOOD, so heartbreaking!
The Oxford Time Travelers! Blackout/All Clear are actually my least favorite of the books in that series, but they’re still pretty fantastic so that is not meant to be an endorsement against them. I recommend all of them to pretty much everyone, whether they ask me for a book rec or not!
I much prefer Blackout/All Clear over To Say Nothing of the Dog, actually, but Doomsday Books will always be my favorite. <3
Doomsday Book is also my favorite! It’s so good! And so sad! And I just love it.
Yes Doomsday Book is one of my top 10 books of all time.
Those are soooo good! What was confusing about the ending? Was it the way she recognized him? That tripped me up for a bit.
More like how Sir Godfrey knew? And exactly how old Colin had gotten – and why Polly was suddenly fond of him despite not actually having feelings for him beforehand – and then what year they actually returned to, since Polly’s jumps were real-time and it was implied that Colin’s jumps weren’t.
Yeah. I need to reread those books. I remembered feeling a bit confused but couldn’t remember why and now it’s all coming back
I was so irredeemably confused by those books, which was sad, because I love Willis
On Nicole’s recommendation, I just started “The Royal We.” It is frothy and delightful and exactly what I need at the moment.
Thank you to the person who recommended Station to Noise to me a few Open Threads back (this is my first OT since Christmas, so my thanks are a bit delayed). I loved it! It was the perfect book to end my year with!
I’m currently reading The House of Mirth, which is the second Wharton I’ve read in my life. I’m liking it better than Age of Innocence, despite my father insisting that Age is the better of the two stories. I haven’t gotten to the end yet, so there’s a chance I could hate the ending or something. I’m also reading the last of Lemony Snicket’s All the Wrong Questions series, which I got for Christmas.
I’m glad you liked it!
the house of mirth made me very very very happy to be a woman with an independent income
OMG yes absolutely!
I’m like halfway through The House of Mirth and I’m LOVING it.
I just want Lily Bart to get a happy ending! Every time she does something that I know will come back to haunt her I just want to go “Nooooo Lily don’t!!!”
I’m finally reading Hild! it was very slow going at first but I’m really getting into it now (I’m like ~250 pages in). Still not convinced I’ll finish by the time my book group rolls around, but we’ll see.
Hild almost killed my book group because it took everyone so long to finish but it is worth it? I’m totally here for opinions on the ending; I have a lot of feelings about it.
Finished rereading the currently published Expanse books, and now I’m rereading The Ruins of Ambrai by Melanie Rawn for what seems like the hundreth time even though I’m still not convinced she will ever write book 3.
The new Vorkosigan book comes out TOMORROW though, so I will be reading that!
Ooooh shit I know what I’m doing tomorrow!
I just re-read Ruins of Ambrai right around the time that the new Star Wars came out, and I had a shocking revelation. Ruins of Ambrai is a fan fiction of Return of the Jedi! I’m not saying it’s intentional or that it messes with the plot, and Mageborn Traitor is definitely it’s own thing but finish reading it and come back and tell me if you see it.
MY THEORY:
Collan= Han
Sarra= Leia
Cailet= Luke
Auvery Ferian= Vader
Anniyas/Glenin = Emperor
Desse= Obi Wan/Yoda ish
Falundir= maaaybe a Yoda parallel?
Sarra- orphan taken in by powerful friends of her real family, basically a princess/rebel leader.
Cailet= untrained, force strong in her, doesn’t know who her sister is, grows up in a desert and goes out to a canyon to be tutored.
The main thing is that at the end, the battle, the turned dad dying to save his powerful child strong in the force, and the bonfire with the force ghosts weighing in….
Again, I’m not saying it’s intentional, and it doesn’t ruin my enjoyment one bit, but it blew my mind, I was describing the book plot and thinking about star wars and then
it was like Joseph Cambell came out of the sky and said, “all stories are the same story”
Oh, it is absolutely Star Wars fanfic. It took me a few times of reading it to pick up on it (somehow, despite the funeral pyre scene). I always felt it kind of spanned the whole original trilogy, but now that you mention it, it does seem heavy into the Return of the Jedi part of things.
I just finished re-reading Rosemary Kirstein’s Steerswoman series; I’d originally read them in dribs and drabs as they became available in inter-library loan and used bookstores, and I am amazed all over again at the sweeping intelligence of them. Does anyone know if there’s even faint hope we’ll get more?
She’s chipping away on them, I circle around to her blog from time to time. She has a job and she’s in treatment for breast cancer and she’s self publishing these days so…it takes her a while: http://www.rosemarykirstein.com/tag/steerswoman/
OH YEAH and Harry Potter Re-read Club is still happening! Book 1 is on the to-read list for next weekend and I can’t wait to obsess over it with everyone.
(whoops I meant to link to the re-read club)
I have The Last Unicorn and The Princess bride coming tomorrow so that’s me being excite.
I finished the Lovecraftian fiction by women authors anthology She Walks in Shadows and it was great.
Read The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie for my work book club which was super fast but also very good.
Currently I’m reading Archivist Wasp and enjoying it a lot, I’m really curious as to where it will go.
I’m reading Wuthering Heights for the first time! I would have definitely hated it if I had read it as a young teen (why is everyone being so MEAN?) but now I’m delighted by how awful everyone is, the atmosphere is really wonderful for some dreary january reading
My TBR is all Tournament of Books stuff, but they have to wait until I finish listening to Finders Keepers because I recently discovered that I didn’t leave my Stephen King obsession back in junior high like I thought.
I’m reading Miranda July’s The First Bad Man as well, and it’s bonkers? And I love it?
I’ve been reading Brooklyn and I really like it (I missed my T stop this morning and had to get off at the next one because I was reading and that literally never happens to me) but it’s making me have all sorts of Thoughts about my own Irish immigrant grandparents and their very different experiences from the ones the protagonist is having. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, but I suspect it will have an impact on my ultimate opinion of the book once I finish it.
I’m currently reading The Lake House by Kate Morton and Jesus: A Pilgrimage by James Martin, SJ (who Nicole described as Bill Bryson for the Lord on twitter, so I immediately purchased it).
I just finished Divorced, Beheaded, Survived which is a kind-of-more-feminist telling of the tales of Henry the VIII’s wives. It is still awfully focused on Henry but brought up some interesting points about the personalities and actual hard realities of the lives his wives lived (or in some cases did not).
Also, last night, I finally wrapped up Searching For Whitopia. I’ve been picking at it for a couple of weeks–it is not, NOT an easy read, especially because the more I read, the more I can see my town fitting into the Whitopia mold and that makes me extremely uncomfortable, but of course, it has value because of its effect. I really want my whole city commission to read it and I’d even more like the author to update it: it was published in 2009, in the depths of Horrible Recession, in the neonatal stage of the racist BS being hurled at the President, etc, and I’d be fascinated to see the results of the same experiment performed today. Basically, except for the Conclusions chapter (which, in large part, is all about not seeing race and nope) it should be mandatory fucking reading for everyone involved in city planning, home-buying, apartment-renting, real estate, finance, commuting, and living in the United States..
Last night I finished The Watchmaker of Filigree Street (on Toastie recommendation, and also because it is a book with a glow-in-the-dark octopus on the cover, how could I not read it?) I wasn’t super impressed with the first couple of chapters, but I’m glad I stuck with it. Katsu the mechanical octopus has claimed my heart entirely. (He keeps it in a drawer with all the socks he’s stolen.)
Next up: Once a Crooked Man, David McCallum’s spy-fi novel, and A Murder Over a Girl, an ARC, true crime about high school gender nonconformity.
I am finishing up reading Gilead today, and then for the long weekend I have several books on CD – I’m not sure which one to read next!
I tried Gilead in print when it was first published and I couldn’t stick with it. I liked it a lot in audio. The writing was excellent and the narrator is very good also.
I’ve recently read ‘Call Me Zelda’, which was not very good tbh. And then I read Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet; just finished that last night. Much better. Made me cry quite a bit though. Now I’m rereading Harry Potter because after Bowie and Rickman, I just need something that makes me happy and warm inside.
This week I read Heartburn by Nora Ephron and finally finished H is for Hawk. I enjoyed them both. Now I’m reading Barrayar by Lois McMaster Bujold. I want to be Cordelia Naismith when I grow up.
I just finished Gloria Steinem’s My Life on the Road and very much enjoyed it. It’s a little disorganized and inconsistent, but full of great anecdotes.
I finished reading Shards of Honour by Lois McMaster Bujold recently and now I really want to read Barrayar. Did anyone else get the feeling that Beta Colony actually has a really scary dictatorial political system under the surface? Nobody will admit to having voted for the President.
I’ve nearly finished reading The Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu, which is awesome and very creepy.
It never really comes up as a thing they have to deal with, but yes, Beta Colony is very creepy that way. There’s a lot about it that’s very Utopia-like, but there’s very much an undercurrent that people don’t satisfaction/freedom there. In contrast to Barrayar, where it’s very backwards in it’s treatment of women and disabilities and so many other things, but there’s room to fight and work for better things and that and that’s what draws some people there (it doesn’t for everyone, of course, which puts a damper on romances for Cordelia’s son).
(Barrayar is really good, read it too. Also her next book is going to be about Cordelia!)
I really want to know more about Beta Colony. In many ways it sounds great, but also there is therapy-as-brainwashing and not a lot of tolerance of difference, despite the seeming liberality.
Three Body Problem is great. Dark Forest is also weird and good, though the gender stuff causes some people to not finish it, which is fair.
Just finished A Tale for the Time Being and cried my eyes out, of course!
Oh, I loved that book. I also loved My Year of Meats by the same author, but I appreciated A Tale‘s slightly more magical storytelling!
I just finished Lafayette in the Somewhat United States which was mostly very good with some very frustrating bits.
I loved The House of Shattered Wings , which is set around the time of World War 1, but if Angels and magic were real and had led to a huge apocalyptic battle set in Paris. Sounds really weird, so I was happy I enjoyed it so much.
I just finished reading City of Stairs by Robert Jackson Bennet and it’s super good and has great world building, especially if you’re a fan of fantasy. I also recommend The Rook by Daniel O’malley because it’s kind of a sci-fi/fanasy spy novel and it’s hilarious.
Oooh, I loved City of Stairs – and the next book in the series comes out in a week and a half!
I loved that book a lot! Despite being by a white dude, it’s very diverse and takes on subjects like colonialism head on (although some people consider the treatment of a gay character problematic). I was really surprised it hasn’t been talked about more!
I’ve been waiting for this open thread all week because this week, my friends, this week I kissed my first woman.
This being-queer thing is new to me. I’ve been floating on a cloud of discovery all week and returning to all of my favorite queer media while giving myself full permission to read it and think “yes, that is me.” It’s incredible.
What’s especially striking to me is that it is so much easier to like myself when I am with women. That held up this time, too: it was easy–I was charming–I didn’t feel like I was struggling to squeeze my personality into the mold that someone’s projections of his straight masculinity had left for me to fit into. And what a pretty lady she was…..
I haven’t really experienced any of this as a “coming-out” experience, though, to be honest, the warning signs have been there an awfully long time. Mostly I just want everyone else to be as excited for me as I am.
I feel like there’s so much catching up to do! What queer touchstones have I missed out on in my 22 years of being straight? I’ve watched the L Word, I’ve read some queer theory, I’ve listened to Ani DiFranco, I’ve browsed Autostraddle. What’s next? Guide me! Welcome me! Come pay it forward to a baby queer!
Just want to say CONGRATULATIONS, this is a big deal and I am glad it was a great experience for you! Here’s to many more lovely kisses in your many years to come! *clink clink*
Also I’m an old married lady but my wife and I just the other day were asking each other, “do the little ones still listen to Ani DiFranco? If not, who is performing that extremely important role for the next generation?????”
Next step is find the secret queerness in all the “straight” things you’ve been happily consuming your whole life.
Music for queergirls nowadays – Gossip (and everything about the goddess that is Beth Ditto), Tegan & Sara, Lowell.
Mazel tov!! That’s so lovely. I feel what you mean about feeling more yourself around women. I feel so much more comfortable with my AFAB partner than I ever have with a guy; I don’t feel those heteronormative constraints on how I “should” act. Like, being afraid of being “too intense” and “too committed” or saying I love you “too soon” – not even a thing in this relationship.
HELLO WELCOME we’re so happy to have you!! you will be a great addition to the family i am sure of it
the best queer thing i can recommend is PEOPLE. when i first came out at 18, nothing felt better than being absolutely surrounded by queers. i went to all the queer spaces in my city (coffee shops, book shops, bars, shows, festivals, etc) and joined queer groups and collected lots of queer friends. highly, highly recommended.
Yaaaaay, hello and welcome! There are glittery cannons and marching bands parading for you, and also rainbow cake!
Are you me? Are me you? I am having an almost identical experience right now and it is glorious and weird and exciting and I have the biggest crush I have EVER had and it is on a girl and I feel like a second grader again.
What even is life.
(I hope you are feeling as good as I am these days <3)
Isn’t it fantastic? Isn’t it thrilling? I’m so delighted for you, too. I’ve been careening around bullying people into being adequately excited. Not that any of my friends are less than supportive, I just want them to be EXPLODING WITH EXCITEMENT because I am.
Oh I have been forcing babbling updates on all of my friends and I am not even dating this person. Or even kissing her. I just like to tell everyone about every interaction we have, in extreme detail
and it’s all disgusting and wonderful and I will go squiggle up in this hole now okay byyyye
Congratulations! And welcome!
I have one big recommendation: Alison Bechdel. Her “Dykes to Watch Out For” cartoons were a terrific discovery when I was a baby queer. She stopped doing the strip a while ago but there’s a “Complete Dykes to Watch Out For” volume out there. Also Fun Home is amazing and completely deserving of all the hype it’s gotten. Her follow-up memoir Are You My Mother? didn’t appeal to everyone but I really liked it. And if you ever get the chance to hear her give a talk, go to it — she’s a great speaker, and she autographed my copy of Fun Home with an adorable little drawing.
Congratulations! I acknowledged that I was bisexual a bit over a year ago (despite the fact I had kissed girls in the past; it took me a while). It is a good feeling, if a bit weird at first.
The one thing that basically all the queer youths are into is Steven Universe, aka the gay space rock cartoon. It’s weird and fun and racially diverse and really queer, like, SUPER queer. And because it’s a kids’ show you sometimes start happy-crying over how great it is that literal baby queers get to see all this represented as not only normal, but good.
Congratulations! I am having a really similar experience, and it is SO NICE. Just recently came out to myself after 23 years of thinking I was straight (only ten-ish of which involved increasingly louder niggling doubts!) and everything is so exciting and fulfilling and _whole_. The things you said about recognizing yourself in queer media and especially about liking yourself more with women really hit home for me. I’m dating this wonderful AFAB person, and this relationship is so, so different from the ones I’ve had with dudes, chiefly in that there is so much more room in it for _me_.
(Sort of tangential: I don’t know if this matches your experience, but I felt a little late to the party at first because I had this impression that most folks in the queer community had known they were queer since they were kids. But it turns out that a bunch of female-identified people I know only came to recognize/acknowledge their various queer orientations in their twenties!)
Have you read Sarah Waters? So much queer goodness.
Congrats and welcome out! Please do look into the book Fun Home and all Alison Bechdel’s work but don’t forget the musical version, listen to the album, it is amazing. Right now you NEED TO HEAR “Changing My Major to Joan” ok? Also the Jill Sobule “I Kissed A Girl” … Also please look into the music of Amy Ray! And let’s see, a good book is The Miseducation of Cameron Post.
Oh man. I’d known I was bisexual for years and years, but the first time I really kissed another woman was just so affirming?? Like, OH HEY, I was right!! This is awesome!!
So, y’know, just high-fiving you for having that milestone.
CONGRATULATIONS!! *excited kazoo playing*
I’m also wondering if you are in fact me, I was in this same place in the fall (lol I’m still there now) and hooooo what an exciting and affirmative time it was and is and gahhhhh!
I’m also all for the book “The Miseducation of Cameron Post” – it’s easy reading and full of loveable characters. I was hooked for a while on the song “Girls like girls” by Hayley Kiyoko.
And the webseries Carmilla, for funsies.
Hiya! I’ve been so busy the past two weeks doing absolutely nothing of consequence. I made a tumblr, http://daisymesmolling.tumblr.com/ and I started a new semester! I’m taking French 102, Intro to Poetry, New York Journeys, Collaboration with Art and Leadership, and Acting II. It’s so great.
The gf and I are going to see Book of Mormon in Atlanta tonight and I am so PUMPED because she knows nothing about the show. It’s gonna be amaaaaazing.
I’ve also written a bunch of crap for next fall’s spirit week.
PLUS, theres bread pudding in the dining hall so Im about to get a plate full of it.
Everything’s coming up Daisies.
Good to hear from you, I always enjoy your comments!
What’s New York Journeys about, exactly? The title sounds interesting!
I was looking for a master’s yesterday, and discovered one that had a class that was roughly translated called “Human Sacrifice in Intercultural Comparison (with practical part)”. They didn’t explain what that practical part might be.
Well, obviously you take the most unblemished and physically perfect student in the class and bequeath them to a deity of your chosen tradition. Might get messy if you do it the Minoan way though.
Or maybe you take the one who contributed nothing to the class, to make sure no one else has to work on group projects with them in the future?
I mean, whichever deity receives the sacrifice wouldn’t get anything out of that, but we certainly would.
Gods don’t want losers, they want the best of the best! That’s why you kill the good ollamalitztli players and the fastest racehorses, instead of letting them stay on this sinful earth with the mediocre people.
Oh, in that case I’d better not take this class. I would obviously end up as the sacrifice, me being the most perfect human being and all.
Okay so for my school’s new curriculum, every first-year student is required to travel. My gf is going to Martinique, some friends are going to Trinidad, Cuba, etc. The roomie and I chose the theater class, which is going to New York. In order to squeeze as much education into it as possible, we have to take a class to learn all about our location.
Oh my God, that’s awesome! I reckoned it was about literary journeys to New York just because I study comparative literatures, but being actually required to travel is way cooler than that.
I’m back from three weeks in Mexico with my husband and my parents! It was amazing and magical and I surfed all the time and somehow the four of us shared a condo and got along great. I am so bummed to be back at work, and so keyed up to keep tossing all my money in savings and to blow this popsicle stand.
That sounds FANTASTIC and also totally and completely excruciating. Just the idea of three weeks of surfing all the time makes me want to never spend another dollar on anything that isn’t bringing me closer to surfing all the time.
I’m a bit depressed right now because 1. my husband and I have just started applying for jobs in NY and MA and I want to be GONE FROM HERE NOW’ 2. a lot of my friends are at an awesome event in NYC this weekend and I’m super jealous, 3. my 31st birthday is coming up and I again feel like WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE. So… that’s where I’m at.
Oof, that’s a lot of things at once. It’s SUCH a bummer to have to see your friends having fun without you in this age of social media. Lots of hugs.
Oh I really feel you on that last part. I’m only a year away from turning 30 and I feel like I have done nothing and seen nothing in my life. I’ve concluded the entire universe is meaningless. It’s ridiculous and I demand a refund!
I’m not only super jealous of my friends who travel or attend awesome events but also of those who are in relationships. Like I said I’m so close to 30 that I have very little hope of finding love.
Getting Out of Debt Thread below!
Totals for this week:
Expenses: $523.56
Income: $60.00
Debt down from $20,674.07 to $20,333.07 after a bunch of payments, which make up the bulk of the expenses.
I’m feeling okay about this week, but I just discovered I won’t get my first paycheck until the end of the month, which flatly sucks. Meanwhile I’m living off my freelance income, which should be around $1,000 this coming week once I secure checks from everyone.
How are you doing, debt-having Toasties?
We got my husband’s old credit card debt from 40k down to 16k over the course of 2015; now if only that were in CAD and not USD…
I can’t really complain because we don’t have a very costly lifestyle, being DINKs who rent a small apartment and don’t own a car, so we can pay the debt off pretty fast without having to cut all the fun stuff out of our lives. I worry about money a lot (I worry about everything a lot) and it’s been a relief to meticulously keep track of expenses. I don’t have to wonder where my income is going because I can see exactly what I did with it!
The real challenge is figuring out how a man with a PhD in economics thought it wasn’t a big deal to carry such a huge balance on his credit cards and make barely more than minimum payments for 10+ years…
Oh this is…this is a good thread; I think I missed its inception but I need this. I did not do well this week; I got paid last Friday and as always got too excited and optimistic about how much I could spend.
Income: $915
Installment of payment plan for community college class: -$140
Credit card payment: -$200
Energy bill: -$57.57
Transportation: -$40
Second installment of college payment: -$116
Which leaves me with $362, and yet I’m almost cleaned out again. How did I manage to spend over $300 on unnecessary stuff (not even groceries; I haven’t properly grocery shopped since before the new year)? Like, that’s almost all coffee shops/restaurants/makeup. Awful!
Credit card debt is down to $2056. I was hoping to pay it off entirely in the next 9 months or so, and then I remembered I’ll hopefully be starting grad school (taking on another mountain of debt in addition to the ~$20,000 from undergrad) and won’t be working full time anymore.
….Welp, now I’m stressed.
So far so good? The savings rules are doing their job, and I just got paid today, and the last bills for January (except for one student loan payment) are all paid and I will have about $300 to live on (gas, food, etc) for the rest of the month, which is actually quite a bit more than normal.
I have spent over $100 on groceries so far this month, but I have only spent $40 eating out so far this month, so that’s good.
I splurged and spent $60 on a hair cut, but I’m a dork and I give 50% tip, so that’s why it was so much, but I am now officially 1000% cuter, so it was totally worth it.
I also got my W2 today, so I can do my taxes and I always start spending my tax return before I even get it, but this year I’m going to do responsible adult things with the money instead of buying things I don’t need. 🙁
Yay for doing responsible adult things with your tax return!
If your return is more than … IDK, $500? $1000 for sure, tweak your tax withholdings (increase your deductions) so that less tax is taken out of each paycheck. You’ll have that money available to you immediately, and you won’t need to wait until next February to use it in a responsible manner.
Expenses: $82 (!!!) groceries/gas/spotify payment/one single meal away from home
Income: $839
I’ve had to turn down a few friends offering to pay for drinks/movie tickets/etc., because – while I’m overjoyed that I have friends who are generous enough and like me enough to spend money on me – I don’t feel as though “mooching off friends instead of spending my own money” is a sustainable Life Habit Change. I went out with a friend on Saturday afternoon and had just water at the bar while she drank a $20 glass of scotch, and that was actually very enjoyable, which is good to know.
The Single Meal Out was because my Xmas gift from a friend was tickets to an AHL hockey game down in Providence, and we had to leave Cambridge straight from work to make it in time, and I made the executive decision that starving myself to avoid buying dinner was also not a sustainable life habit change. But my meal was only ten bucks, so that felt okay as well.
It was very satisfying checking Mint regularly and watching my last transaction get further and further away! Unfortunately I did eventually have to refill my tank and get food, but I really did very well this week. I can feel myself chafing at the restrictions now, after two weeks, and barring major life changes I’m definitely NOT going to keep this going past January.
I admire your self-control a lot! The friend I spend the most time with makes more money than I do – like, a lot more – and I feel pressured to be able to go out with her for drinks and movies and all. But she’s not the one pressuring me, it’s literally just my inability to say “no.” sigh.
oh, I definitely feel that pressure & usually succumb to it as well! It’s one reason I put a month-long limit on this no-spending-except-necessities thing. It’s easier to explain “oh I’m doing a specific thing for this month, but probably in February we can go out!” than “finding a way to turn down friends that doesn’t dump all of my money anxieties on them unwillingly”
I will for sure have to find other ways to stick to my guts and my budget in future months.
I must be Old. I’m definitely Cheap. I can’t imagine spending $20 for a single drink. 😉
No great news this week, I’m afraid, so some warm tea and reassurance would be good I guess 🙂
Both of my sisters have birthdays in January and I owe one almost $40 goddamn dollars somehow for my share of the gift and I’m….not freaking out but not happy about it. That’s about my entire “Fun” budget for the next two weeks, you know? I mean, I’m still recuperating from the surgery so there’s very little fun to be had, but STILL. Sigh. And since I hit my credit card so hard for Giftmas, I can only afford the minimum payment for February, which really rankles.
Blerg.
Expenses $290
Income $480
Paid $100 off on my credit card debt, so I’m below $1500 now. But, I need a new outfit for an upcoming job interview. And I’m moving in about two months, so also need to save cash for deposits and whatnot. And right after I move, student loan payments start. yay…..feeling the priorities clash really hard right now.
I checked this week, and this is the first time that all of my collective little school loans are under $3,000 each. It totals around $7,000 now, which is remarkable to have paid of $45,000 of loans in 5 years. I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot of experiences–I’ve never traveled internationally, I never go to concerts, never had cool memberships to stuff, lived in a tiny apartment in a not-trendy neighborhood–but the weight of seeing 4-digit debt in such a short period of time feels worth it.
It’s proving really difficult to pay down my $3,000 of credit card debt while also trying to save for a wedding. But! I have saved $7,000 for my wedding in the last year, which feels like a huge accomplishment. And my savings that I started 3 years ago is around $6,000. My checking bounces between having $2,000 to having $300 to having $2,000 again.
Moral of the story: I don’t feel as bad as I have about the debt because now I do have money in other places, like savings and a special wedding fund. The fact that I’ve been slowly able to put that money aside, whilst chipping away at debt, whilst living a comfortable if not extravagant life, makes me feel more secure for my future. Or, if things did turn for the worst, like I could handle it. It’s so so so so not the financial security I grew up with, so teaching myself how to do it has been a real part of growing up.
I backslid a little during the week — I withdrew $20 from my teeny little Digit account because I had some Minor Emergency stuff going on — but I got paid today and replaced what I took out, plus $10 more. Which keeps me more or less on track to Save $1000 This Year, Goddamnit. I also paid all my bills and have enough left over for a new coffeepot, some fancy tomato seeds, groceries, and a box o’wine. This is progress too.
No new bills paid, but I saved some money at the grocery store today with coupons, managed to spend only $11 for night out in city on Friday and around $3 going out today.
I’ve found a short-term contract job that starts next week. It’s pretty low paying but it will probably at least cover next month’s rent, even if it’s not enough that I can pay some bills this month.
I finally saw Star Wars! Spoilers in comment, which is a text I sent immediately after getting out of the theater.
Reactions to TFA, in order:
1. MAX
2. MAX NO
3. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
4. when will poe return?
5. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
6. lightsaber
7. jesus that was whole planets what the hell first order?
8. LIGHTSABER
9. AAAAAAAAA oh there’s poe AAAAAAAAA
10. carriTHREEEEPS
11. you’re right poe the jacket does suit him i ship it
12. finn are you fucking serious the whole resistance is counting on you to get their planets not exploded
13. jedi mind tricks
14. omg give this walkway some railings im scared of heights
15. my kylo heart OH NO well i guess i knew that was about to happen
16. LIGHT. SABERS.
17. cool so where is the planet going tho wait what exactly did they do?
18. Luke
It doesn’t do my Carrie Fisher feelings justice, but I did almost leap out of my seat when C-3PO popped into the frame. My heart is not really Kylo, but I won’t apologize for having strong and confusing feelings during that scene. Point 12 was the thought I had as soon as Finn was like “Oh, yeah, I just took this mission to save Rey!” and I was like “WHAT but that’s not the mission they sent you on, that mission is really important” and once it became clear that he really was still committed to saving the planet too, I didn’t mind anymore.
A+ review!
I also finally saw it! I’m happily sailing off on board the Good Ship Finn/Poe.
I just saw it this week tooooooo and thought it was great fun! But my viewing experience included:
6.5 exCUSE me a lightsaber can’t just be like tossed around and SHARED
dating thread?
i am now settled into the place i will be living for the next sixish months, and i know that i want to be going on dates. but the thought of dealing with the crazies of the internet and going on lackluster dates is not exciting! though i of course also know that there is the possibility of lustrous dates, etc.
weekend goal : redownload All the Apps and make a go of it.
how are other people’s dating adventures going?
I went on a date last night with a gent who began each alternate sentence with “Oh, I know a lot about that” and “You know what you ought to do?” Alas and alack, and onward.
every time i consider starting to date men, i hear a story like this and i cannot. alas and alack, indeed!
Oh dear. That is a worthy addition to the red flags thread from yesterday.
To the sea!
I went on a date with a lady with the same name as me- it’s not a super popular name, so other than one drunk makeout in a club, I’ve never run into this issue. I suggested we skip immediately into cutesy nicknames. Despite some mild awkwardness, it was a pretty good time. We will probably see each other again.
This is a good time of year for dating- I think people are determined to start the year of properly and get out more, so they are more likely to message or message back. Also, you really want someone to put your cold toes on.
Currently figuring out how to even ask someone out. If I’ve already spoken with them once or twice and we got along fine but nothing really clicked, should I even go for it or cast that aside as nerves and all?
Anyway, I’ve thought of asking them to breakfast at a local coffee shop, because it’s different than coffee and less formal than dinner. I have no idea what I’m doing.
In my experience, asking a specific thing (“would you like to try out MuffinFest with me on Saturday morning?”) is better than a vague “Wanna hang out sometime?” Also, most people will say no to dinner, because a first date shouldn’t be that much of an extended commitment (ymmv, though).
i think maybe my earlier reply didn’t go through — for what it’s worth, i would adore someone to ask me on a breakfast date!
After a month on OKC, this is the end of the most successful interaction I’ve had on there so far:
~~~~~~~~`
Okay, so I am not giving you my number until you agree that you understand:
a. I currently have no interest in a relationship
b. I have even less interest in a hookup
c. Guys aren’t really my thing
~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I was looking for women interested in men.
They are not¡
I put up an OkCupid profile about a month ago mostly as an exercise in proving my low self opinion justified and I mean I am A) a guy B) far too terrified to actually message women C) not attractive and additionally not photogenic D) my profile is a 2500 word essay entitled Back Away Slowly.
Some one message me this week. I am fucking baffled.
I’ve been making a foray into Tinder this year, though I haven’t yet met up with anybody from it. So far I’ve only gotten one message that would fit in on “Straight White Boys Texting” which I consider to be either a great success or a great failure. One piece of advice I have is to send the first message, because most guys will not do it.
I did actually meet a guy the old fashioned way (at a bar on New Years Eve). We went out once and it was great but he can’t get together again until the end of the month which suuuucks because he’s super cute and easy to talk to. So my goal is to squeeze in a Tinder date or two in the meantime because 2016 is going to be the Year of Dating for me (after many years of “ughhhh I hate dating, no thank you, I’ll pass”).
new years eve first date!!! goodness me! that sounds so delightful.
This is where my life is right now. After many years of fuckery, I have my shit together (my own place, steady job with good income at which I am productive, mental health under control even though it is not perfect, friends I love, good relationship with family.) So I’ve been really trying at dating recently because I feel like I have a lot to offer.
But: queer woman in a relatively small city. I am connected to all the queer women already. And, if there is one I met who I like, it’s paralyzing. Because I’m worried that everyone will be up in my shit if I so much as ask someone out.
Also, I did an OKC search of women interested in women within a 25 mile radius who are Christian (I would like to share that part of myself with my partner) and don’t have kids. Literally only one person.
Ummmm….but I have a Tinder date tonight, so we’ll see.
wow this resonates VERY STRONGLY WITH ME. i particularly love the idea of having a lot to offer! that’s how i feel right now– i’m a goddamn catch, where are the ladies??
Right here! This is where! We need to find others and get them in our respective worlds.
queer toastie meetups, everywhere, now.
Dating! Oh, dating. I’ve been on and off OKC for years now with limited success in between (unwisely) dating various coworkers because it’s just hard to meet people. For the first time, I’ve gone on a few dates with a guy who I actually connect with. So it can happen? Now the shitty part is calming my brain down. I haven’t dated much beyond rando hookups and I am depressingly old to be figuring out what’s “normal”. Am I texting too much? Is he not texting enough? Argh. I’m much better at dealing with a guy I have no interest in.
So my coworker (who is 65, horribly racist, and a terrible person) just started online dating. She had a first date with a guy over lunch yesterday. And then invited him to a coworker’s retirement that night!!! Like sit down, RSVP dinner with all our coworkers. Rest assured, dear toasties, that no matter how bad you think you are at dating you are not as bad as her!
Oh man, dating. Ugh.
So I think I might try my hand at being someone who dates girls but I still can’t decide if this is “yeah dude you totally like girls too” or a really bad (and really late) “woohoo fun cliche experimentation!!!!” Anyway with any luck I’ll have an answer to that one soon. Although, if it ends up being the latter, sincere apologies to any women who get used up in that.
Also I went on date with a guy recently and he was perfectly nice, nothing objectionable at all really, so I suppose I should go out on a second date with him. I wouldn’t if I knew I definitely didn’t like him but I can’t tell if it’s “I don’t like him” or just my general “ughhhhh I have to talk to people I don’t know?!”
So yeah, that’s me and dating right now.
Most of my dating experiences have been very much what you describe about this guy. Like, there will be nothing wrong with the guy I go out with and we may even have a decent time, but I’m not excited about it or anything. I kind of just assumed that was what dating was like and I had unrealistic expectations until I actually finally had a good date where there was a spark and I realized the word “Ugh” didn’t have to be involved when describing the experience.
(I do usually like to give a guy a second chance if there weren’t any dealbreakers because you never know, maybe they were just nervous or improve on further acquaintance. But if I’m still not getting any good feelings after the second date I shut it down.)
Yeah, I was thinking one more shot would give me the answer I need and if there’s nothing after that then I’m (politely) ending it. No need to waste anyone’s time.
I usually find the second date to be a lot more telling! Bit less nervousness on both ends so we’re both able to figure out if we like each other enough for a third date.
This is good to know. I’ve gone on many first dates (and sometimes second) that were just… fine. And then I think later, maybe I shouldn’t have “given up” so easily…
Bc I like to believe that when there’s a connection you know pretty quickly, but I’m single, so what do I know.
ugh. dating.
Yesss to all of this. I know I have a spark with someone when it happens, but also, all the guys I spark with are terrible and wrong for me. So do I lean into the non-sparky guys? For how long? It’s a delicate, terrible balance.
Hello, come date girls! Something was bugging me about the two points you made here, and finally several hours later I’ve figured out it’s this: women are not going to get “used up” by your dating them when you’re not sure you’re interested any more than men are! It’s been a long time since I’ve dated casually, but it seems to me that if going on a date (or two!) with a guy just because he’s not objectionable is fine, it should be fine for a woman too.
Also, for whatever it’s worth (as a woman who mostly dates women), I’ve never seen the harm in experimentation. Isn’t all dating ultimately an experiment?
See, I just hear/read so many complaints from queer women who start dating girls then the girl’s like “lol just kidding this was an experiment I’m done now” and the queer girls come out of it hurt. I guess my fear was ‘I don’t want to do that to someone.’ But I am going to start trying to casually date women so we’ll see how it goes. (PS I really enjoyed the default ‘men ask the women out.’ Really fit into my ‘not wanting to ever put myself out there’ thing. I guess this will have to change… :/). I did go to a lesbian/bi happy hour last night which was a tad disastrous because even though I got myself there I couldn’t actually strike on a convo with anyone. Baby steps…
Okay, so yes, I know it’s a thing in the lesbian community to be scornful of women who also date men (biphobia! not good). But that’s pretty toxic and horrible, and I really don’t think it should deter you from dating women. I guess just think of it like…if you go out with a woman, and you’re not really into it, behave the same way you would if you went out with a man and weren’t really into it. Probably don’t tell her that you’ve decided you don’t like women, or that you don’t want to keep dating her because you’d rather date men, but tell her you’re just not feeling it and would rather not have another date. It’s just in the framing, I think. If you date both men and women and treat them the same, no one should have any legitimate complaints!
This is not to say that there aren’t women who will be shitty to you because you’re also interested in men. Unfortunately they exist, but if you encounter one, at least you’ll have a pretty great sign that you probably don’t want to keep seeing her.
(Also, every time I go to one of those happy hours I fail at conversation, and I’ve been out for 12 years. You’re doing great!)
I’m super late, but just wanted to say hi! I am in the exact same position, with the exact same worry about not wanting to hurt anyone or waste their time. Deciding to try dating women at age 29 is scary yo.
Oh, man, I am so terrible at dating. I don’t know how to read men. I either am standoffish and awkward or go way too fast (which they are happy about at the time and then they ghost instantly afterwards, because men). I’m still trying, but things are looking grim. I already cross stitch, so I’m halfway to spinster, I should just embrace it.
I downloaded Tinder last week. Then I realized that there was no way to stop it from showing the list of every page I’ve liked on facebook, which includes things like every employer I’ve had, and my aunt’s shoe store, which is too much specific personal info for my taste, and not much in the way of the “interests” it’s purporting to show. So I deleted Tinder. I updated okc and have gotten a couple ok messages, but not from anyone I’m attracted to. Dating outlook: pessimistic.
I use a fake Facebook account for Tinder because I am too paranoid for this modern world.
I removed my work history from facebook just because of Tinder. I’d quit Tinder but I like that every now and then I get a someone ‘superlikes you’ notification. I dont really interact with people on Tinder because It just feels artificial or mechanical..??
Got out of a three-year relationship in December and got “back in the game,” if you will (I don’t blame you if you won’t), this week. I joined A-List on OKCupid, which is a little fun because you can anonymously stalk to your heart’s content, but apart from that, things are not great. I’ve gotten a ton of messages but they all just say, “Hi,” are clearly copied/pasted, or are like, “your eyes, so beautiful!” It is awful. Also everyone who messages and/or “likes” me is, like, a 15 percent match, which begs the question, “Whyyyyyyy?” I messaged one person who I thought seemed great, and he did not write back. Woooof.
I wish I hadn’t been like, “Ha! Online dating! I’m glad I don’t have to do THAT anymore!” (…in my head) for the past few years, because now I’m having a lot of, “HOW AM I BACK TO SQUARE ONE UGH” feelings.
Uhh maybe I should have posted this in a breakup thread?
Hugs and okc sympathies
I finally created a (fake-name) Facebook account specifically so I could get on Tinder, as (at least in my area) the same same same guys are all on OKC, Match, PoF, etc. and I just can’t stand it. I expected to hate Tinder, but I like it, because it feels like I can control who contacts me much more, and the pool of prospects is almost completely different.
Anyway, I went on dates with two guys, both very nice, but one of whom turned out to be a friend’s ex-husband and I just couldn’t see getting involved. The other, who is 8 years younger than me, turned out to be funny and smart and affectionate and capable of Using Words and we have been knocking boots since before Xmess, in a very low-stakes, friendly way. And I have turned off my Tinder account because this was exactly what I was looking for. I have been clear that I’m not looking for a boyfriend and he seems OK with that. So, finally, an online-dating success story from me!
New years day was spent drinking wine and champagne with a person I am Interested In. We’d been flirting and hanging out on and off for a while, and finally had the “you’re awesome, what are you looking for, life is weird and complicated” discussion.
It’s so odd being in this place where I’m like, “I’m into you! But I’m also a skittish kitten who is bad at sharing feelings,” and also kind of excited to start getting better at the whole thing, because this is an awesome person. Things are hella casual, which we both need/want, but it’s also exciting.
It’s also obvious enough we’re into each other that other friends have actually asked about it, so there’s that. Haven’t been in that place in a few years.
Dating inside queer friend groups is weirddddd.
I have a date in…one hour so wish me luck! It’s my second Tinder date in this city and so far, things have been fairly okay? I have renewed faith in how picky I actually am 😛
I’m passively on Bumble (read: I get notifications that I haven’t been on in a while, and if I just open up the app I’ll find my love!), and haven’t logged into OKC in a month. It makes me so depressed. I message guys with (what I think are) well-thought out messages that pertain to their profile, and I either get a) no response, or b) a lame response that doesn’t carry the conversation and makes me think the guy messaged me back out of pity. I had one or two promising conversations totally fall flat when I asked them to grab a drink. Idk…I think I’m better in person than I am online, but it’s not like I’m meeting a ton of new guys when I’m out with my friends. I just want to share my interesting and full life with someone, goddamnit!
Guys, I am thinking about looking for a new job. Tell me I am not a bad person for wanting to leave even though there is only one other support person and my boss really depends on me. TELL ME.
You are fine. You do not owe your boss or job anything. Take care of your self and your own career FIRST ALWAYS
Nerp! Get out there! Find a thing that makes you feel happy, not guilty!
Your boss depends on you, but your boss would also fire you if it made financial sense. You’re not a bad person. If you want to leave, start looking, and plan to thank your boss for helping you learn, etc.
Your career has to focus on YOUR CAREER, not your boss’s. Your boss will be fine and will hire someone new. You will give two weeks notice and leave plenty of notes for the next person. GO OUT AND JOB HUNT.
I mean I normally agree with you pretty much all the time, but I super extra SERIOUSLY agree with you here and will second.
Aw, thanks!
But fridog: you want a story about why it is TOTALLY OKAY to leave and move on to something that is better for you? Talk to this lady, who did that very recently!
I AM BLUSHING
You are not a bad person at all! People Leaving is a reality of the professional world.
You are not at all a bad person! That’s the way of the world. People leave for better jobs and new people replace them and life goes on.
Here is something it took me a very long time to get through my noggin since I was always so convinced that if I did not make myself INDISPENSABLE I would be fired: you are never as irreplaceable as you think. I mean that in a good way! Imagine you got very sick or suddenly had to move or were laid off. What would they do then? They would pick up the slack. They would figure it out. They had to before they hired you, right? So sally forth and chase those dreams!
Loyalty is nice but if the budget goes down and they can’t afford two support people anymore how much loyalty will they have for you?
Your boss doesn’t depend on you like a frail parent or a small child related to you depends on you, in that the bonds are those of love and family. Your boss depends on you like they depend on someone they pay to do work they’re paying you to do.
If your boss stopped paying you, you’d work somewhere else. Work is something you do because someone PAYS you to do it. It’s not who you are, it’s not a bond of loyalty. Your career can be part of your identity if you want it to be, but there’s nothing moral about staying at a workplace simply because you are useful to it. It’s their job to hire people who are useful to them. And if you made yourself essential, to the point where they’d go under without you, then either they’re foolish or you have a great bargaining chip. Work should be structured so someone else can come in and take over on projects if necessary.
I think its crazy when people think things like, “oh man I can’t quit now because it would be so bad for work if I did!” Work is not your friend you are letting down by not showing up when she needs help moving boxes. You think that if they went through a bad patch they’d be like, “we can’t afford to keep you but we like you and know you need to be paid so we’re going to go into debt to pay you”? No. They’d cut you loose. They might be sad about it, but so what? And let’s not forget good workplaces didn’t just magically come into being, they came because people made unions and fought for laws like equal pay and non discrimination and so on. The workplace is there to take from you. You should always be asking yourself if you are getting enough in exchange for what is being taken. Also if you don’t keep change jobs every 2-3 years there was a study that came out and was like, you are basically screwing yourself out of so many raises.
Just like in all relationships, you need to take care of yourself first. If you were married to someone and you were like, “oh man they’re a drag, but he needs me and his kid is a great kid”…people would be screaming at you to save yourself, not to stay in a loveless marriage.
I know there are a lot of skincare threads on the Link Roundup right now (Thanks Nicole!!!!) and now I would like to hear you all gush about your daily routines here
CeraVe Hydrating Facewash (gentle! leaves me clean but not squeaky! wish-washes away all my mascara!), Dr. Thayers Original Rose and Witchhazel Toner (smells good! Not sure if it does anything!) and La-Roche Posay Toleraine Cream for day or for night Origins Night-A-Mins and some form of oil (rosehip or argan) around my eyes (because my eyelids get painfully dry in the winter).
Also deovted to Thayers! Things it does: tightens pores/cleans out dirt left behind from a cleanser. And it a FANTASTIC treatment for eczema. Mr. Mad Editor stopped using his prescription treatment because Thayers works better. I like the lavender, but the rose is nice too.
I have a pretty basic routine, but it helps that my skin is decent & also doesn’t play nicely with many products, especially moisturizers.
Cleansing = splashing my face with water, but when I’ve been wearing makeup this morphs into washing with African black soap (I get chunks from a local African beauty store with shea butter) and lightly exfoliating with a Konjac sponge.
Moisturizing = Clinique Mild Clarifying Lotion (which is a bit like a watery serum, but sufficiently moisturizing for me), then Clinique Turnaround Revitalizing Serum (which is the most magical stuff in the WORLD)
Right now I’m using a very gentle exfoliating scrub morning and night, and a fairly lightweight argan oil moisturizer. That’s it. The occasional spot treatment if a zit pops up. Once I go back to CT and am working outdoors, it becomes: gentle exfoliating scrub, SLATHER ON SUPER-INTENSE VITAMIN E MOISTURIZER, aggressive lip balm usage, fretting over sunscreen, etc.
Ah, outdoor ed.
I developed moderate cystic acne on my chin when I switched to a Mirena from BC pills, and it’s been about a year of trying prescriptions to get it under control, which it hopefully hopefully is now. I use Spectro gel wash and moisturizer with Tactu prescription cream at night. Spircolactone, at 25mg/day has been a lifesaver, and I would recommend trying it to anyone who is struggling with hormonal acne.
my skin is suuuper fussy and sensitive, and this is the only routine that has ever worked for me (everything else I’ve tried–ceraphil, cerave, tea tree oil, bentonite clay masks, sulfur masks, etc.!–hasn’t worked):
Morning:
1. Purpose Gentle Cleansing Wash
2. Clindamycin topical lotion – prescription antibacterial stuff
3. 5% benzoyl peroxide cream ALL OVER
4. Andalou Organics Day Shade lotion
Nighttime:
1. Olive oil to take off my makeup, and then more olive oil rubbed all over my face for at least 2 minutes. Loosens everything up and makes me feel like I’m getting gross gunk outta my pores!
3. Purpose cleansing wash again
4. Prescription retin-a cream
5. Eucerin Q-10 sensitive skin cream – sooo moisturizing
My skin is the best it’s ever been, but it sure is expensive and time-consuming using these things! My health insurance no longer covers the prescription stuff
Purpose is a great low maintenance cleanser. I have very even skin, and it can occasionally dry me out. I use it in the shower sometimes with exfoliating mittens. Works great!
I hearts Avene (French drugstore brand), and use their foaming cleanser and then their light moisturizer. In the morning, I just swab my face with Thayer’s witch hazel (lavender & aloe usually) before putting on more light Avene. I’m a big fan of masks, but am devoted to none in particular. I like the pearl one from sephora, a few clay masks, a homemade oatmeal, and a mocha yogurt mask that knocks my socks off.
My game totally got switched up a few weeks ago from a sample of this shit: http://www.sephora.com/energie-de-vie-cleansing-o… and it’s amazing. It makes my pores look great, and my cheeks feel like a baby’s tush. It’s great. It’s a 1-stop product.
I will also say that I have *great* skin, both genetically and I attribute my skincare regime to it. I will brag about my skin–I get compliments all the time. I never wear foundation, but people think I do.
Morning: Witch Hazel + Almay CC Cream (SPF 35)
Evening: Oil Cleansing with EVOO (the same stuff I use for cooking) + Studio 35 Alpha Hydroxy Cream
This is the best my skin has looked in ages, and in the dead of winter, too.
i wash twice a day with african black soap, tone with witch hazel, moisturize with jojoba oil, and twice a week use khiel’s microdermabrasion face… stuff. i have combo skin and this seems to balance it out relatively nicely.
does anyone have any recommendations for eye creams i could begin using? i am a lady in her mid twenties and i have very fine lines under my eyes that i would like to begin to pre empt.
Hey Toasties, bit of bragging today. So after flunking out of university almost 8 years ago, partially due to mental health reasons which were then exacerbated by the whole shame of flunking out thing, and eventually seeking help and going back as a “mature” student (at a different school and in a different program), today I applied for graduation!
That is fantastic! That is such a big deal, that is such an accomplishment! Congratulations, sincerely, deeply.
Congrats! Congrats! I graduated with my B.A. 2 months shy of 30 and was so ridiculously proud of myself for finally Getting It Done. High fives! The hardest part is over!
Wooo!!!!
Yayyyyyyyyyyy!
SLAAAAAAY
CONGRATS!!
Finally I didn’t miss a cocktail hour! I’ve been wanting to ask, I know we had discussion ages ago about The Toast totes and I just wanted to make sure I haven’t missed anything about them (LET ME GIVE YOU MY MONEY).
Also I was in a chipper mood (woohoo Friday) but I just found this article from Slate and I’ll be honest, I’m really, really angry at it right now. http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2016/01/15/dec…
Yes! Let me give you my money, Toast! Would a small and tasteful collection of “merchandise” be anathema?
There not out yet! And Nicole said they would be available forever or at least a very long time.
Oh good. I assumed I couldn’t have missed it but I need things to worry about and so that’s been mine for a while now.
Now to find something else to worry about…
Toast, I have passed the funemployment period and entered the bored unemployment period, after only a week and a half. Suggestions for fun and cheap ways to entertain myself? I am playing Fallout 4, working out a lot, obviously job searching, and trying to do most of the housework.
Some friends and I went to a free open house thing at a PARKOUR GYM on Tuesday and it was the greatest thing ever. I really really want to go back but of course it normally costs money and is also a long-ass subway ride away. But there were trampolines and walls to climb and things to hang from and people to tell me how to be better at it! So great.
If it’s nice outside where you are and you like the finding stuff element in open worlds like Fallout, maybe try geocaching? All you need is a gps OR a smartphone, and it’s really rewarding to find actual stuff. geocaching.com has the most hides worldwide, it’s free to use.
Whoa, this is a cool idea! Thanks! It is unfortunately the middle of winter at the moment, but we are getting some mild days and I can probably spend some time outdoors. Definitely gonna try it out.
Volunteer for something? Even if only once a week, it will help add structure to your life. And generally you don’t have to pay to do it 🙂
Except with Habitat for Humanity. Which is such a bummer because I would like to volunteer with them to get my building urges out but you totally have to pay like 50 bucks.
Oh Toast. Please drown me in advice and pep talks, please.
I am unemployed and job hunting and it’s miserable and everyone keeps giving me all kinds of advice. And of the countless hours I spent networking, exactly 0 jobs have appeared. All jobs I have interviewed for have come from me blindly applying to places where I know no one. Of those jobs, I got one sort of, and it’s a terrible scam job, I’m a contractor and it barely pays and my boss is confusing. I have had one interview for a place I love about 10 days ago and I have yet to hear anything and I’m just dying every day a tiny bit each second that the phone doesn’t ring.
And I phoned it in a job interview where I just…don’t want the job even though it’s much more ok than the job where I am being ripped off for pennies. I almost feel like I’ll turn it down if offered except man do I need to have a job.
Meanwhile I just started an unpaid internship at a paper gallery and it’s the BEST THING and it’s all I want to do, and of course that means it’s unpaid.
There’s other stuff too, but lastly does anyone here make money from selling artwork? Any perspective/advice you’d like to offer on how you started out?
I’m right there with you. I interviewed for a dream job before the holidays and was told they would have a decision by the first week in January. Terribly long wait, but understandable because of holidays. So the first week of January came and went, and still crickets. i sent a follow-up email. Nothing. So, I’m letting that one go. Or trying to. Still sort of pathetically hoping they’ll call.
We also just had to decide (yesterday) whether to renew our lease or not. I’m applying to jobs in the DC area, so we decided to move there rather than renew our lease. But neither of us have jobs there, and in 2 months we won’t have anywhere to live, so this seems like a tragic mistake, a slow-mo car crash, etc. Unemployment is the literal worst.
Ugh yes, dream job was like, “we need someone SOON! We’re speed dating this week” and now, crickets. I keep checking their webpage thinking that I’ll see a press release for someone else, keep checking my phone imagining a scenario where they called me and I was away and they’re like, ok well we’re giving it to the other people then!
It’s nerve wracking because you know that places will occasionally just hire someone and tell no one else, but you also know that sometimes when they say they need someone ASAP they’ll still take 3 weeks longer than they said they would to put together an offer, so you can’t give up hope but you also have to assume you’ve been dumped already.
Hi! I worked at an art gallery for about a year and a half, have you sought out gallery representation where you live? (I was a gallerina, not an artist, but if there’s anything you think I could answer, please let me know!)
A lot of our artists had “day jobs” to supplement their sales, but we’re not exactly a destination art city, so ymmv.
What’s your medium?
In terms of gallery, I don’t have one full show’s worth of anything at the moment. I have pieces, but I’m in the middle of a series where I’m trying to get up to about 10. And I’m in NY, so it’s a tough market. I have friends who have asked to buy editions of some of my pieces, so I’d probably go prints online first of some of my other work.
I’ve got paintings and paper pieces: eghtelier.com
Oooooo love Sidewalk.
Good call on working towards a series, that’s always helpful. If you get antsy with it, you can still shop around an incomplete series though! A gallery director probably has their next two or three shows already planned out, depending on how often they change artwork. That way, when they bring you on board, you may have a couple of months to finish up. Anecdotal evidence isn’t really evidence, but we brought on an artist once based off of two pieces of work for a show three months down the road.
I’m selling at art festivals right now but I sort of fell into it by accident. I’ve had work in some small galleries in the Seattle area but did an art festival with a borrowed setup and had a lot of fun so this is what I’m doing right now. I’m not sure it’s what I want to stick with permanently because it seems like more traditional work is what people are mostly looking to buy at a festival although it depends on the city!
I haven’t been doing it that long but I’m happy to answer any questions.
Ugh I’m kind of in the same boat – I’m chronically underemployed in the winter because I’m extremely qualified in a seasonal profession, so I have too much experience to get hired at a call center but too little experience to work any kind of professional job. I’m so fucking apathetic about winter jobs and spring is such a scramble :/ no pep talk, just sharing the misery I suppose.
ALSO, we got notice that our apartment building maintenance people will be doing their yearly unit inspections to check the plumbing and electric which means a weekend of cleaning is in store for me. My husband said, “They’re coming to make sure we have running water and haven’t punched holes in the walls” which
not the point
Wait, why do you have to clean for the inspectors?
Because I don’t want people to see how messy my apartment is◉︵◉
Sent from my iPhone
Fuck ’em! Take yourselves out for brunch instead.
Yeah, my landlord did not feel it was necessary to have my apartment cleaned before we moved in (even though it was nasty as hell) and I’ll be damned if I do any cleaning up for his sake.
I support your desire to clean. I get it. I would do the same thing. (For those of us who aren’t naturally tidy, sometimes an external reason is a good thing, even if it’s also a pain in the ass.)
Haha, you sound like my grandmother. (I don’t mean that as an insult, I love my grandmother very much.) She even cleans her apartment before one of us comes to visit, even though we are used to how it looks (and it is not even messy, at least by my standards) and also not only visit to see her but to actually help her with the cleaning and housekeeping.
Ugh I hate cleaning and I hatehatehatehatehate having people who are not friends or family in my house (inspectors, landlady, exterminators, delivery dudes, etc.). You have my sympathy.
I’ve been waiting for this open thread all week because this week, my friends, this week I kissed my first woman.
This being-queer thing is new to me. I’ve been floating on a cloud of discovery all week and returning to all of my favorite queer media while giving myself full permission to read it and think “yes, that is me.” It’s incredible.
What’s especially striking to me is that it is so much easier to like myself when I am with women. That held up this time, too: it was easy–I was charming–I didn’t feel like I was struggling to squeeze my personality into the mold that someone’s projections of his straight masculinity had left for me to fit into. And what a pretty lady she was…..
I haven’t really experienced any of this as a “coming-out” experience, though, to be honest, the warning signs have been there an awfully long time. Mostly I just want everyone else to be as excited for me as I am.
I feel like there’s so much catching up to do! What queer touchstones have I missed out on in my 20-odd years of being straight? I’ve watched the L Word, I’ve read some queer theory, I’ve listened to Ani DiFranco, I’ve browsed Autostraddle. What’s next? Guide me! Welcome me! Come pay it forward to a baby queer!
Congrats!
I…kinda suck at queer pop culture, honestly, but there’s always Dykes to Watch Out For. And Indigo Girls. (I fear I am showing my age here.)
(oops, sorry for the double post)
Check all that apply:
-Pariah, Carol, But I`m a Cheerleader and Saving Face
-leaning against things and hoping it will lead to a romantic connection
-novels by Jeanette Winterson and Shani Mootoo
-kale salad
-Austra, Tegan and Sara, Le Tigre
-pretending to have sex with men so your doctor will do STI testing
-being embarrassed by AfterEllen.com
-talking about lipstick with the person you`re making out with, when/if applicable
Said events may have been set in motion during a screening of Carol…. This is an excellent list; thank you.
My partner and I had kale salad last night! Although he is male, I am now thrilled by the thought of our relationship being a lesbian one.
Sarah Waters – both books and movies!
Also, hanging out with amazing queer ladies is really the best part.
HOORAY, FRIEND! Welcome! I love that you are asking for the welcoming. This makes me very happy. Yes, yes, yes.
Autostraddle is remarkably always helpful with these directions, and there are probably lots of answers there! So browse away. But, in the paying-it-forward vein –
Books, yes – are you a poetry person? If so, these are obvious, but – Sappho! Adrienne Rich! Audre Lorde! Eileen Myles! Staceyann Chin!
A lot of queer lady movies are sort of love-to-hate-watches (hence the excitement over Carol which I still must see) but, the ones I recall watching digging for on youtube in college include Better than Chocolate, Fried Green Tomatoes in addition to But I’m a Cheerleader, yes). The British show “Lip Service” is also painful but fun.
Music – oh god, Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to my window” on loop. I have an embarrassing playlist somewhere that I can gladly share. (it too will show age, but still.)
Maybe some erotica? Why not? The existence of (actually) queer, progressive porn was pretty revelatory for me, not just for feeling-sexy purposes, but in terms of just ideologically opening up the wide range of what sex can be (what can be sex?) for queer women (and straight people too, of course! Just, the basic ground for us is less encumbered with the traditional mechanics of hetero-sex). (Also, bless the L-word, but it is majorly limited in this capacity.)
finding fellow queer buddies will be the best of course – we’ll be here to advise through it all. happy for you!
I am very pro poetry and this was particularly validating. Also The L-word is so gratifying and also so fucked up. In so many ways. Thank you! I really appreciate it.
Ok, this one’s super old, but I finally found a Netflix lesbian romance that has likeable characters(!), who have a realistic relationship(!!), with only minor homophobia and a happy ending(!!!), in a period piece that was made in the 80s(¡¡¡¡). It’s called Desert Hearts and it’s lovely, although the sex scene is a little weird.
Check out the First You podcast, which is two queer friends having frank and funny conversations about dating and sexuality. The audio quality sucks for the first few but its tolerable
Crush thread? I had a GREAT barista crush going for a while there. She was all butch and tall and gorgeous and HER VOICE, and she was also clearly married, so I could enjoy my lovely crush and morning smile without feeling like I had to do anything about it, and now she is GONE. My heart is broken, guys.
That is tragic.
I keep having random fleeting crushes on men in the office. They are strictly out of bounds, but they are also the only men I see regularly enough to have a crush on.
I have a work crush too! I’m *fairly* certain he’s strictly out of bounds (there’s not a supervisory element to our work. I feel like if I actually check the rules, it’ll be a step into somewhere I don’t need to go. I also vastly prefer repressing my feelings.), but I also think he may be flirting with me? At any rate, that flirting with plausible deniability was, uh, relevant to my interests.
One of the hosts of my favorite podcast. We’ve had a short email conversation in the past and I sent him some classy semi-nudes, but that is all. At least I can listen to his voice.
I have two right now. Lady the first is a fellow nerd in my community band and she’s just so cute and nerdy and we have so much in common but damn, is she young. Is 12 years younger too young? Every time I want to ask her for coffee I remember I am ancient.
Lady the second is a tumblr crush. We talk about fanfic and I read her slash smut and sigh and sigh. Sigh. Look, I did it again.
Not necessarily too young! My work crush for the past two years was a lady 10 years older than me. (We no longer work together, hence the “was.”)
my crush/recent kissing experience is someone 19 years older than me, so go for it!
half your age + 7 is a silly rule, and rules are made to be broken, but it is a weirdly useful guide.
YES! I’m going out for drinks later with someone who is exactly half my age + 7 and I’ve been wondering if it’s too young, but not wanting it to be too young. This gives me just enough “permission” to go for it! WHOO!!
Ugh idk my main crush that will not get out of my head is like….oh my god probably ten years younger than me? Can that be right? Oh god I’m a dirty old lady.
I moved away from my barista crush and I miss her. She was tall and gangly and had a big beaky nose (a feature I love) and cool tattoos.
That’s a deadly combo. I’d be smitten.
ah, low-level “i’m never going to do anything but gosh you’re nice” crushes are so great. relatedly, the fed-ex pickup guy at my office is cute and very friendly and on first name terms with everyone. Unfortunately my desk is the furthest away from the door so I usually only hear him talking to the project managers while I slump down hidden behind my computer.
omg the glory of a crush that isn’t unrequited so much as irrelevant-to-my-real-life! i very much want such a crush.
Ohh yeah there’s a Chipotle employee with a full sleeve and a great smile who will make small talk (though at my location most of them make small talk, it a pretty friendly atmosphere) and leave me starry-eyed every time.
I have a crush on a person at my office. I have no idea how they identify (maybe female? really not sure), and I will likely never ever do anything about it except be extra friendly and smiley in the halls.
I have a crush on a redhead who works at my local co-op. I keep going there so I can casually run into her again but I haven’t seen her in a while.
Just the other day I saw the cutest barista and got so flustered that I said “please” at the end of every sentence. “Yes, please. Whipped cream, please. That would be great, please.” Arghhh. I have no game.
i too have a barista crush and also no game. we have mutual friends? and have shared some non coffee-related words? but, gah. i did not know i was capable of feeling so nervous in such a low stakes situation. what to do.
The guy who has done all my piercings is super, super, super hot and I cannot remember how to make words into sentences and I am in there all the time because I am super good at losing nose rings and he has SEEN MY LADYBITS so you would think I could think of something to say that isn’t “hee hee oh my gosh you are so cool” ffs I’m nearly fucking 40.
There’s a new employee at my favourite cafe who looks like a tiny girl version of Jess Mariano.
I have a crush on this person without ever even seeing her.
I had a crush on a Trader Joe’s clerk — mostly for his big gauges and slicked back hair (my type is pretty much “scumbag”). But then the last time I was there he had his hair down and he looked like a dopey 90s stoner, which kind of killed my buzz.
Mmmm, scumbag. I have a crush on my coworker’s sister, who looks like she would stab you with a beer bottle for looking at her wrong.
There are so many scorching hot dads at my library. I may or may not dress up extra-cute on the days my favorite one comes in.
I have a lovely crush that lives thousands of miles from me, so it’s perfectly safe to *have feelings*. I just have to remind myself not to like all of her instagram photos. One in three sounds like a good ratio, yes?
There’s a guy who sits behind me in church choir (the sopranos sit in front of the basses, which is the way it should always be), who has just the deepest, richest bass voice. If we’re just doing hymns, and he’s permitted to sing in his own preferred range, I often can’t pick out actual notes, just low rumbling. SO HOT.
there is the CUTEST barista boy at my local coffeeshop and he has the best arms and a great smile and last week he told me he liked my glasses 🙂
he is an actual baby (like 5 years younger than me) but he is always very charming and lightly flirtatious and I always leave with coffee and heart eyes
Oh lady oh lady, be still my beating heart (and glance-y eyeballs because they are totally giving me away).
Typically when a new semester starts I skip the “oooh who’s gonna be in my lecture” because my program is tiny (we’re 30 in our year) and we have all the same courses. But this semester I’m taking a fourth year interpretation class and we get to mingle with the French students (eek!).
Day one, this woman walks in who’s wearing a loose nondescript beanie, her frizzy hair is in two braids that aren’t even tied at the bottom and are coming undone (like my concentration in the lecture), she’s wearing a baggy green t-shirt with some string bracelets, and her eyes are sparkly and glowing and every time she says anything (reminder: she speaks French) in her slightly raspy voice I quickly transform into the happiest little puddle.
Also, this course is an elective and even if I fail I’ll still get to graduate so CAUTION TO THE WIND AND MAY THE SILENT ADMIRATION CONTINUE!
Cooking thread! What are you looking forward to making/eating this weekend?
Also, Toasts: how do you make the perfect poached egg? Mine are always rubbery or fall apart entirely. I’d like to be able to throw it in the pot where whatever else is already boiling and do that trick where you swirl the water and it stays together but… it just doesn’t happen in real life. The poaching cups don’t help; the eggs harden up and go all rubbery. What am I missing?
I think part of your problem might be the boiling – poached eggs need to happen at a very very light simmer. Anything more wild and crazy than that will break up your egg.
My cousin gave me about 17 pounds of flour for Christmas (dead serious) so I’m hoping to finally bake some bread this weekend! Not sure what kind yet, but mmmmm carbohydrates.
I’m making spring rolls tonight! It’s Friday and I want maximal returns for minimal cooking effort.
My foolproof poached egg tips: Add some vinegar to the water. Don’t let it boil or even simmer, poach your egg when there’s that little bit of steam coming off but no bubbles. Crack the egg into a tiny bowl first so you can gently (but quickly) lower it in. Swirl!
This weekend I’m eating sweet potatoes. I just really want sweet potatoes, no idea why. I’m doing salmon sweet potato patties and sweet potato tacos.
vinegar, for sure! i once tried without it, and the egg fell apart. i like to do it in a small sauce pan, and pre-swirl the water so the egg naturally wraps itself up in the center.
But won’t the vinegar affect the taste of anything else boiling in the pot? I usually try to one-pot things together so there will be noodles and a tomato in there with it.
I second the vinegar, it’s hard enough to do without it that it may be worth just putting up with an extra pot for the poached egg.
Oh yeah, poach your egg in another pot. There’s enough finesse to getting a perfectly poached egg that I’ve never attempted poaching one right in soup or whatever. Cleanup is pretty minimal.
Yeah I don’t even know if it’s possible to poach an egg in a pot with other things. I can do it with or without vinegar, but it’s pretty essential to get the water the right temperature (less than boiling) and not disrupt the egg much. You can just rinse/quickly scrub the pot out afterwards, since it’s just water and maybe some egg bits.
For sure, a very light simmer.
Try cracking your egg through a wire mesh strainer. It will separate the thin, watery part of the white from the more solid part. Then you can just dip the strainer into the water, and it will go very smoothly. Also, they don’t take very long at all.
Serious Eats gives more detail on the method. It really does work.
We were planning on having my sister and her fiance over tomorrow, and I was excited to make something smoked (maybe smoked chicken) on my new charcoal grill. However, he has injured his knee so they may not make it. We might bring them food instead.
i made the beef stew we all talked about last week. i had sorta accidentally caramelized a bunch of vegetables by almost forgetting them on the stove, and it was honestly the best batch of stew i’ve ever made, so i guess i’ll always do it this way now.
i’m kicking up my fermenting game, since i was treating my water kefir wrongly, i got new grains and got started right, along with milk kefir. then, after my husband ate a container of sauerkraut, i figured we should start making it, and revisited fermenting containers. I guess lots of people are using mason jars with sipper tops and airlocks, so I’m going out for cabbage today and starting some batches.
cambro containers are also great for sauerkraut
I don’t know, but two days in a row a poached an egg, only to get undercooked white and overcooked yolk, so I look forward to everyone’s magical solution.
The only thing that’s ever consistently worked for me is fresh eggs. Before we moved I used to get eggs from my friend’s chicken, and they looked like poached eggs on TV with no extra fussing–no vinegar, no poking a hole, no swirling water, just some hot water an a barely pooped-out egg.
So my advice is … get a chicken, I guess? Otherwise the tricks that people have already mentioned do help!
I am making a curry. I miss making curry; I used to have it at least once a week, but I got out of the habit of cooking and all the Indian restaurants around here are $$$$. So. Curry. *rubs hands together in glee*
honestly, i can poach eggs, but i usually find that it’s more trouble than it’s worth, between the whole separate pan, the waiting for the water to get hot (and to the PERFECT TEMPERATURE required), the careful timing, getting out the vinegar, scooping them out as delicately as possible, etc. unhealthily enough i tend to fry them instead for most applications (breakfast-related, over rice, etc.). however, have recently discovered the wonder that is soft-boiled eggs, which will also replace a lot of poached-egg applications!! just leave them in the shell, punch a thumbtack through one end so they don’t explode, boil a (small) pan of water, stick ’em in there for 6-7 minutes, and then ice and peel carefully! they will still have gooey centers and you don’t have to worry about about uncooked whites, which i hate. great in soup, over salad, over warm things and grains, and so on.
Yes, I was going to say – how to I poach a perfect egg? I don’t. I fry eggs sunny side up, or soft or hard boil them, but I do not poach them. It’s so FUSSY and inconsistent and I don’t like the product even when it’s ok. Who wants all that water on your egg!
I’m hoping to make this savory tarte on Sunday for my parents and grandma (http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2015/12/feta-tapenade-tarte-soleil/). I made it for friends on NYE and it was devoured, so I am hoping the second go-around has as much success.
I’ve had a good week or so cooking (carrot soup last weekend, chili on Tuesday night) and I am just riding those vibes and leftovers until next week.
Poached eggs: Put a large round cookie cutter ring in a pan of simmering water. Crack the egg close to the surface of the water above the ring. Remove & rinse gently in luke warm water after 4 minutes. A perfect poached egg is 4 minutes. A softboiled is 6. A hardboiled is 8. Pretty easy math.
I broke my foot last weekend and my kitchen is not crutch- or seat-friendly, so I have a list of meals (one-pot pastas, foil packets, etc.) that my ten-year-old can assemble like a tiny indentured servant. I’ll still have to supervise and do SOME of the work, but mostly we’re eating Lazy Person Food, As Interpreted By A Fifth-Grader. I’m actually kind of excited for it, though? It’s all loaded with vegetables and delicious sauces and avocado and other stuff I like.
This week has been pure garbage in many ways but I want to share with you all what my dad said to me this morning when I sent him a complainy text about The Universe: “Oh sourwatermelons, chin up, you are vertical and taking nutrients, and the world is beautiful”. At the time I was like OH FATHER PLEASE but I keep thinking about it and finding it surprisingly comforting? So there ya go Toasts, we are vertical and taking nutrients and therefore everything will be ok.
That is completely lovely. Your dad sounds like A Dad as well as a gem of a human.
That’s great. My dad used to say “Shiny side up” – a car reference to when he taught me to drive. Shiny side up, rubber side down.
Life advice that is actually driving advice is Peak Dad!
This is utterly charming. Dad advice is often kind of useless, but warm and encouraging and a bit cute. Just so.
That’s lovely. My dad used to say “This too shall pass,” which was always obscurely comforting, but I think “You are vertical and taking nutrients, and the world is beautiful” is even better.
Nice, future, forward-looking things??? Well, Toasts, I decided to finally, once and for all, apply to grad school this year!!
The downside of that is, I probably have to grin and bear this dead-end job until I either start school or get good enough at embroidery to make money off of it.
That’s so exciting though! And I’ve always found that my dead end jobs were easier to bear when I knew there was an end to it coming.
Thanks for your help last week, Toasties. I feel like you all gave me some interesting perspectives and confirmation that my feelings weren’t entirely off-base.
Things have settled down a bit; mostly I think what my girlfriend said was a grief reaction. We are working on things and for my part I am trying to take better care of my side of the relationship, doing nice things for her, laying out my plans for the year, etc, so she understands how much I love and appreciate her. (In ways that do not involve getting engaged right this second, although that is definitely still a goal for 2016.)
An MRA revealed that I have a small brain aneurysm. I’m getting more tests done as soon as insurance comes through. It might be in a spot where it won’t kill me if it bursts but if it is in a dangerous position the doctor wants to operate (I’m 20 and hopefully have a long time ahead of me for it to work its way up to bursting).
I feel really weird because I’m scared but it’s also not immediately life-threatening. I’ve told a couple of friends but they don’t really know what to say/do about it and I’ve been very flippant in letting them know what’s up. So I’m just going to leave this here in the thread because I feel like I need to say it somewhere. I’m really really scared you guys. My brain is the only thing I like about myself some days and if this does go wrong, ending up with minor brain damage would be considered lucky. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know how to live with this background fear or how to banish it. I want to let myself panic for a while but I also don’t want to panic the loving, wonderful people who are my support system. How do I do this?
Oh my gosh, that is scary and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. Is there a level-headed friend to whom you could say, “I need to panic and freak out for a moment; it is your job to tell me I’ll be okay.” I have a partner who performs that role for me; he understands clearly what his job is in those situations and performs admirably.
Thank you for that. I think it would help but the person I’d tap for the job lives 1500 miles away. Though… I’ll get her on over Skype this week maybe. It probably will help.
Yes, even Skyping would help I bet. It’s amazing how reassuring it can be just to hear someone saying the words, “You’ll be all right,” out loud.
Panic seems like an appropriate reaction! That sounds really scary. I’d be scared too! Also if you are stressed you probably are going to have a bad time sleeping which makes for a vicious cycle (at least in my house thats how stress works).
It’s a cliche for a reason, but I think you need a professional type therapy person to talk to about this. No one really knows till they’ve been there or they have training and therapists know things like mediation exercises.
I’d also really recommend Pema Chodron’s books, I find them very helpful in times of stress. Also something mindless, like coloring in a coloring book while you watch a low stakes TV show with a lot of seasons that you have already seen (the Office, etc) or Rosemary and Thyme because it’s really ridiculous and comforting.
Lastly, this is an oddball one, but I bought a stuffed animal for myself when I was going through really rough breakup and it was oddly comforting to revert a bit to being a child. I have a cat and people in my life but somehow, tucking myself into bed with a stuffed animal made sleeping easier? So I guess I’m recommending, give yourself some tiny joys for a while, like getting yourself flowers or picking out just the perfect stuffed animal, and take the time to go to a few toy stores and really hug each stuffed animal before you pick the best one. Or a quilt or fuzzy blanket or slippers or a special mug, or a little tiny crystal to hang in your window. Little tiny treasures that remind you there’s good stuff and make home feel a bit safer.
PS, I think you can get through this because it just gets done somehow, when bad stuff happens. I think most of us are tougher than we know we are, and it’s only after you get through it that you realized you were being tough. During the crisis, it feels like you are handling things worse than anyone ever, but in hindsight, it’ll turn out you muddled through the best you could.
You should also test out a few friends, and see if they’re the right person to help with this. Most people aren’t well equipped but it might surprise you who can just sit with you through uncertainty and let you cry on their shoulder.
Seconding the stuffed animal. Because having something to hug that won’t wiggle away/get hurt if you squeeze too hard/mind being cried and snotted all over is important.
<3
This is very scary, oh my. This sounds like a good time for a referral to a therapist, maybe, because they are just the people to freak out on without upsetting your personal life people. I’m so so sorry this is happening. I am sending you all the best vibes in the whole world.
This is incredibly scary, yes. But it’s nothing medical science can’t handle, and you’re doing the right thing by staying on top of it.
One of my oldest friends had a brain aneurysm a few years ago, in her late 20s. Actually, it turned out there were three of them. Her brain is the most important thing in the world to her, as yours is to you, and like you, she was terrified, but she’s also very practical. So she went to all her million doctor’s appointments and asked her millions of questions and got her surgeries and did everything she was told, and it turned out great. There’s been no brain damage, and her current prognosis is very good. You are not alone, and you can get through this.
edited because I deleted a sentence before posting and it turned my comment into nonsense
*hugs* brain stuff is scary even if you know its not dangerous, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
(I’m @roisindubh211 on twitter if you want to chat with a stranger who promises not to panic)
Being scared is a totally rational response to very scary news. I hope you have no need for surgery and a long and happy, brain-filled life, but can also tell you I knew someone in college who had a mild cerebral hemorrhage and was totally, completely, 100% fine. At the time my thinking was, “But you’re sitting up and talking to me. BURN THE WITCH!” but it was legit, and she truly was okay.
That is so scary, and you totally have a right to panic. Speaking from my own experience (I had an aneurysm in my heart) I will say this: if you’re overly concerned about your support system panicking, don’t be. It’s a hard position, but let them be there for you. It was really hard for me to accept how much I was putting my family and friends through, but at a certain point I just had to let it go and let them take care of me, or I never would have gotten through it. To a certain extent, you have to be selfish, because it’s your body and your well being and nobody should dictate how you are allowed to feel but you.
As for how you get through it: a day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time, or a minute at a time. When you’re in it sometimes it feels like it will never be over, but eventually you’ll be on the other side.
Hi Toasts! I am going bananas with packing and finalizing things for my move on Tuesday, and despite the stress things are all moving in the right direction: Someone contacted me about a possible job in town, utility setup and transfer has all been easy except AT&T which can rot in hell, etc. It feels good. And I went to say goodbye and projectile-weep on my friends in the neighborhood (I’m a bad goodbye-sayer), and my next door neighbor told me, “Oh, such bad timing! (Lesbian neighbor) and I were planning to set you up with (her friend who I met once when they were redesigning her yard and could not help noticing was awfully cute).” Nobody has *ever* said anything like that to me before so I had a minor panic attack about it–I exist? As a person who could be seen potentially with others? What is this?!–but now I’m trying to feel good about it in between crying more. The place I’m going is wicked small, so be prepared for tiny design questions once I get there and am back online.
You’re moving! It’s working out!! I am so so pumped for you – my fingers have been crossed all week. (Also, that is very charming, re: the set-up. People have only ever wanted to set me up with literal hobos or drug dealers.)
(literal hobo of the manarchist variety: insert most sour-pussed emoji possible here)
It would be funny if I left my number behind and she turned out to be a womanarchist hobo, but I’m electing to play it safe and run away while giggling into my sleeve.
Aww well I hope you are getting the maximum enjoyment out of your sleeve giggling, because you deserve it. May your new home usher in an era of calm and zero shitty neighbors, in all its tiny glory!
Doing my version of a happy dance. Awkward looking, but feels great.
YayYayYay! (Also your neighbor can totally still set you up even if you move if that is a thing you would like. There is nothing stopping you from giving her your phone number or email address and letting her know she can pass it along. Actually it might be better because you wouldn’t run into you neighbor and have to field awkward questions!)
Aaah, everything’s coming up Heather!
I’m actually grateful to the butthead realtors and AT&T for being so difficult, because otherwise I wouldn’t trust that this was all really happening.
Haha oh man I know that feeling. 🙂 Try to remember the universe is NOT actively trying to smite you for the hubris of wanting a secure home and life and enjoy it all. (Easier said than done, I know! Also it has been said I give the worst pep talks, so sorry.)
[Reposting here because it is more OT than LR, so forgive the repeat and the whole world needs to know] —
Just wanted to observe that there are FIVE pages of comments to the Worst Ex request. WE ARE AMAZONIAN SURVIVORS.
And yes, I would like to second the request to Mallory, because a sprinkling of hilarious deleted comments is just the ticket for wringing out our mental filthy laundry on this new and glorious morning of our commisery.
AMAZONIAN SURVIVORS.
There was something oddly comforting about reading about all the Worst Exes.
I *need* the deleted comments to the Ex’s post. NEED.
I need us to hold an intervention for all the parents and new partners financially supporting all these exes who are too special to work >:O
Reading through those comments made me want to hand out wine and cookies to everyone. Damn.
When I saw that thread, I was like, oh, one time I had an ex wait until I was on a family vacation in France to dump me via email, that could go there. Then I read a few of the other comments and was like, nope, never mind, I am #blessed, reading and sympathizing.
Still shitty of him, though.
It was a her, but yeah, it sucked a lot. But: she wasn’t actually a murderer! Just kinda thoughtless (and I think some of that was more that we were both feckless youths, rather than, like, a serious personality issue).
Sorry, I thought about swapping out ‘they’ for ‘he’ after posting but the comment hadn’t been approved yet. Shitty regardless.
I had the same humbling experience. “Asked if he could leave and have a threesome with two other women on the last night we would ever see each other” is hilaribad, but pales next to “was an actual literal murderer.”
I loved that thread, but it totally took over the second half of my day and I have soooo much work to do. Stupid Toast comments, ruining my productivity <grumble grumble>
I had to go in on my day off to finish my work. Worth it.
So you know how I’m supporting my friend who left her abusive husband a few weeks ago? She’s been staying at her BIL’s, and she’s coming to stay with us today. She’s in touch with various helpful organisations, and hopefully will manage all the stuff she needs to do about finances, housing and safety, so she is gradually getting there.
But. Her husband killed her hamster a few days ago. We don’t have proof, he admits to putting it in the bin but hasn’t admitted to killing it, but there have been an awful lot of dead animals around him, he’s violent and has been threatening to kill her, the hamster was fine when it had its checkup a few days earlier, and it’s a known thing that abusers threaten or kill pets as a means of trying to coerce their victims into returning. My partner is being lovely and supportive, we’ve been watching lots of silly TV to take my mind off it, but I have the screaming heebie jeebies. I went over to pet our cat last night and nearly started crying when I looked down at her and thought about it. I so hope she gets clear of him in time, and that he doesn’t cause her any further harm.
Oh my gosh that is horrible and I’m so glad your friend is out of that situation.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I think what you’re doing to help your friend is brave and amazing and I hope she stays safe. I also hope you have someone to talk to about your feelings and fears! Secondary trauma is very real. Stay as well as you can. <3 <3
That’s terrifying, you are correct to be scared. That is very, very serious. I am sending good thoughts out into the world for you and for her.
What a disgusting thing to do. I don’t believe in an afterlife but I hope you conjure one just for him so he can roast on a spit above the shrieking rage of immortal harpies for ever and ever and ever.
Do you live in one of the places that will let you use that as grounds for a restraining order? They are very few, but some places are aware.
In the meantime, YOU lock all doors, sleep with phone/purse/keys near you and charged, have an emergency plan for if he comes to your home, and one for if he confronts you elsewhere. Let neighbors know so they can tell you if they see anybody sneaking around. Keep a baseball bat or other weapon with you or place one in each room. If he starts a fight, do not go to the kitchen or garage, there are too many potential weapons in those rooms. Never let him get between you and an exit.
All this.
And if your cat is not already an indoor cat, it might be time to make her one for the time being.
She is, thankfully.
I live in Scotland, in a block of flats. My partner has a flat two floors up from mine, so we are mostly going to be in his flat and my friend will be in mine. Her husband doesn’t know the address. If he comes to the door, we will call the police immediately. I’ll suggest to her that she might want to put the mortice lock and the keychain on when she’s in the flat, good point. I don’t intend to arm myself (I’m severely disabled, apart from anything else), and nor does anyone else, but it may comfort you to point out that this isn’t the US, so we’re not talking about guns.
I’ve blocked her husband on Facebook just now, and my partner will too. My address shouldn’t be publicly available on the electoral register, but I just googled my name with my city, and to my alarm, 192.com claims that it has my full address available, even though I should be ex-directory. Does anyone in the UK know how to get my details removed from this? Right now, all I can think to do is to change my surname on Facebook to something similar-sounding, in case he tries logging out to look me up (I’m hoping he doesn’t remember my surname).
She doesn’t want to involve the police. If she gets to the stage where she is willing to involve them or get an injunction, we’ll support her to do so, and she is in touch with various agencies that are offering help. I did have a chat with the police earlier, and they mentioned that it’s probably impossible to prove most of this, apart from the multiple phone calls and text messages.
I just want to let you know you are doing a GREAT job and I wish that everyone who found themselves in a similar situation to your friend had someone like you on their side.
WHY ARE THEY VERY VERY FEW. That’s such a chilling, awful intimidation tactic and should be worthy of jail time in my opinion. Damn.
Something like this has no installation and she can use it in her own room. There is no such thing as perfect security but I think the above product is a really good combo of “makes me feel more secure” and “actually IS more secure”.
Oh that is so terrible. You are absolutely right to be scared. I have a relation who I am … suspicious about the pet loses he experiences when involved with people. I keep my cat very far from him, and when I have to been near him. I second CCoryy says, as that is my standard procedure whenever he is with fifty miles of me. I can’t recommend the baseball bat thing enough, I have several walking sticks (I had a friend who made them a lot) in each room and they are very good. All in all, it’s very workable advice.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend I hope she gets clear of that shitwad for good. You’re doing an awesome job by your friend and having a friend who can be supportive in an abusive relationship situation can be such a huge help
It’s been a while since I made a dog thread, so here is Tycho in a little inflatable wizard hat meant to put on cats (my aunt buys strange gifts):
And here is some upside-down corgi:
And bonus kitty snuggles:
I bought that wizard hat for my friend’s incredibly tolerant (albeit due to some benign nerve issues) cat. I’m aiming for the role of “strange aunt” in my life, so I’m real glad that I’m already getting there!
Here is a Saami, who shares my feelings about returning to work post-vacation:
(I think that is a hilariously perfect gift!)
What a fucking week. But I’m going to a rollerblading class after work, which should be fun. I skated a lot as a kid and I’ve been thinking about giving Roller Derby a go, but I wanted to try skating again before I went out an bought myself all the skates and pads.
In other news, the job hunt continues; I met with a recruiter before Christmas, who stared at my boobs, THE ENTIRE TIME. I don’t want to deal with him anymore (’cause fuck him.), but he’s with a really big agency and they have some great roles, and at the moment he’s the only recruiter getting back to me. UGH MEN RUIN EVERYTHING.
Dog thread? Long time reader, especially of cocktail hour, first or second time commenter. I’ve quietly received so many awesome recommendations on life choices, books, music, and fan fic through you all. So thought maybe I’d get my toes wet by starting a dog thread? It’s one of those days that needs extra dog pictures. Thanks!
I’m inept at technology and so can’t link pictures of my 100% immaculate German Shepherd, but I can tell you that his beauty quiets unhappy toddlers. I will go to the park and a crying child will espy him and they will all fall silent at his magnificent glory and stare. I have been known to circle park benches to give weary parents a break. He will sit, they will stroke his nose, they will forget why they were so angry, the parents will mouth silent gratitude, my dog gets scritches. It’s a win win win.
A+ dog.
10/10 good doge
FRIENDS. I made a google group: [email protected] for people wanting to talk about fertility/ conception/ pregnancy issues in a Toast-like manner. If you want to join, let me know! Also I think you can request an invite using the address above? Caveat: I’m a flake so will not be super active or even remember to check it super often so if anyone wants to take on some co-ownership of the group, please let me know.
Also if anyone has a link to that toast spreadsheet I’ll put it on there, too – I had a link and then forgot it. See: flake.
Great timing! I literally just started trying (or will, as soon as my current period ends). Can I please join? I’m cait0716 at gmail
Added!
A++ name choice!
Haha I have to say, I felt like a wizard genius after I thought of it. 🙂
Yes please! I’m cmgarton on the Google. (And the name is great! Thank you for doing this!)
Added!
Me please! llyfrgell at gmail.
Done & done.
Please add me! I’m algal04 at gmail. Thanks!
can you please add me as well! jess95229 at gmail.com
also, link to toast spreadsheet: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1_26MiL9WN…
I don’t know if anyone will see this cause I’m coming to it so late, but please add melasseter at gmail
Is there anyone else here who deals with a really unpredictable disability? I’m never NOT affected, but some days (at least one per week usually) are way worse than others. The worst part for me is that it makes it impossible to ever promise anyone anything, because I NEVER know if I’m going to be able to be somewhere or get something done in time. And being reliable is really really important to me.
I also want to ask you all if there’s anything someone has said to convince you of their disability (maybe when you were younger/stupider). Like, did you not believe that migraines or autism or allergies were real, and then someone did something that changed your mind? What happened? Did you have to see the full impact of the disability for yourself or did they convince you with words? Blog posts? Films?
From experience, people would prefer to believe someone is malingering instead of the reality that their experience varies so wildly from another’s. It’s a terribly thing, having a talk with someone that finally ‘gets’ you because they just went through the same or similar. You wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but that’s often the only convincer. It’s easy to say, but hard to give no fucks about people that dismiss your experience as nothing. But, in the long run, that’s the only thing that’s going to get you through. Cut out the people that can’t be bothered to at least try to empathize.
My mom had really bad migraines all the time growing up, and my dad never took them seriously (“don’t you think you’ve been in bed long enough? It’s not like you broke your leg”) until he himself was borderline-disabled by degenerative disc disorder. My mom only told me this recently, and said she wouldn’t wish pain on him, but is nevertheless glad it’s finally made him sympathetic. Shitty situation.
The more experience I gain, that is, the longer I live, the more I understand that it is human nature to believe only what we *want* to believe. It is human nature to accept the familiar because we avoid effort, and new situations always require effort. So getting your target audience into an extended period of exposure or exposure to a large group of people disabled in the same way you are puts them on the path to acceptance.
No easy answers here. We humans are lazy jerks. Especially those without disabilities. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
I have endometriosis and a fairly irregular cycle, so it’s hard to predict which days I’ll feel normal and which days I may need to curl up in a ball with the heating pad and 800mg of Ibuprofin. Coupled with my anxiety and depression (and general introversion/misanthrophy), and it’s easy to see why I NEVER commit to plans to do anything.
When I was younger and much much stupider, I 1) didn’t know that my mom wasn’t just a pain-in-my-ass; she was actually bi-polar and 2) I was too resentful/self-centered/dealing with my own shit to learn how to have a relationship with her, so we were fairly estranged until she passed away. It took accepting and my own mental illness to realize what she must have been going through.
If being reliable is important to you, maybe it would help to think about things as must-do versus want-to-do? I’ve learned I need to save most of my spoons for getting through work every day and not for social events.
Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear about your experiences!
I’m ruthless about needs vs wants, but the thing is that I can’t keep up very well with my actual duties either, and even though you never need to do a specific social thing, you have to do some of them. I’ve rationalised away everything that isn’t studying, which makes my relationship and friendships suffer. (I can’t study part time instead, and it doesn’t work, because most of the brain fatigue stems from the little things, not from learning). There just isn’t a level of activity I can actually commit to – when I’m “on”, I can run errands, get a few things done or even do very well with reading and writing, but when I’m “off”, I can’t do anything. So even if I only planned one thing a week, I still wouldn’t be able to guarantee that I’ll be reasonably “on” that day.
That sucks and I am so sorry that you have to deal with these uncertainties.
Specific stories about people changing their mind would be very welcome!
*hugs* There are a lot of ableist cockwombles out there, sadly. If someone is refusing to believe that you are disabled, and I am guessing that you have tried extremely hard to explain (but even if you haven’t, if you’ve just said “I’m disabled”), they are an arse. It is unlikely that you can stop their being an arse. Spending more energy explaining that no, you really are ill, this is a real medical condition, yes, you know you look fine, but you’re not? Nope, that doesn’t stop them from being an arse either.
I’ve got severe ME/CFS, I’ve had it since 1997, and I could probably write a book on this subject by now, so yes, I hear you! Here are things that have helped me. They may or may not be of any use to you, and it’s not exactly what you asked for, so feel free to ignore it!
1. Learning more about the illness, how serious it is, how it works, and how it affects me. As opposed to being in denial and chronically overdoing it, which pretty much everyone with ME does for a good length of time due to all the weird social pressure we are under. I imagine people with all sorts of other medical conditions do exactly the same. Internalised ableism is weird.
2. Recognising when people are being irretrievably arses and distancing myself from them. Basically this means I cut off contact with almost all of my family (abusive mother, the others backed her up, and aforementioned ableism) and a few not-actually-friends, and it was the best decision of my life. It’s improved my peace of mind, my health, my self-esteem, my ability to predict what I am and am not capable of doing at any given time.
3. Stop promising things I have been unable to achieve for a long time now. I spent eight years stubbornly trying to finish my undergrad degree before being tossed out on grounds of being far too ill, to give you an idea. Life is a lot more manageable when you’re not setting yourself impossible tasks.
4. Explain to people upfront that I may not be able to make it, that I may have to let them know with very short notice, instead of hoping for the best and then writhing in an agony of anxiety when I can’t make it. People are generally fine about this, especially if warned upfront. The few who are arses about it can get lost (see above).
5. Keeping some sort of diary of my activity levels and symptoms so that I have a reasonable idea of where my condition is from week to week, what I am capable of, and whether I’ve already overdone it and need to rest. I wear an activity tracker, which helps with this (steps and heart rate).
Thanks! I deal with a lot of unexplained fatigue (which for some reason doesn’t count as chronic fatigue, even though it’s fatigue and I chronically have it) and brain fog. It’s really hard to get people to take it seriously, but it’s even harder to find a solution even when they do take it seriously. Some things just need to get done.
Your list is basically what I’m already doing, except that activity tracking didn’t work out. I used an app that was more of an annoyance than a help. I’m trying a diary now. What do you track? Have you discovered anything about yourself?
Chronic migraineur here, and yup, the unpredictability sucks. One of the hardest aspects for me, emotionally, is feeling like I’m “letting people down;” like I can’t always be there for people in the ways that I want to, because I have a migraine, or because I’m trying to take care of myself so that I have fewer migraines, and that takes a certain level of time and commitment.
One thing that has helped is sharing these feelings with people that I’m close to and getting reassurance. Also, on a good day I made a google doc labeled, “Things to Remember” that has affirmations like, “you’re not letting everyone down;” and, “your family and friends love you and want you to be well.” It may sound silly, but it’s helpful to refer to that when I’m feeling down.
Also cat videos. Cat videos help.
Right now I’m working with a new doctor on trying to find a preventative medication that reduces the frequency of my migraines. While this is theoretically a positive thing, it means that I’m dealing with lots of side effects/anxiety about potential side effects and things are especially unpredictable. I sometimes find myself making medical decisions based on social/work obligations; for example, I’ll increase the dose of topiramate tomorrow, instead of today, because I have plans with my family this evening and I don’t want to bail on them if the topiramate does something wonky.
Your second paragraph resonated with me. When I first staring having migraines in my mid-twenties, I had a terrible doctors who didn’t diagnose me at all. After running a few blood tests (at my insistence) she sort of snapped at me that I probably needed therapy for stress because we had “exhausted all the physical possibilities.” It wasn’t until a few years later that I described my symptoms to a different doctor, herself a migraineur, that I got an actual diagnosis. I’ve found that for migraine it’s really important to find the right doctor, someone who specializes in headaches and is willing to work with you to find something that helps.
Sorry for the long response… I obviously have many Feelings on this issue. Wishing you luck and healing and the support of people who believe you about your illness.
Hey Toasties, my house could use some good thoughts. I like my job, but it’s not much money and only part time. I’ve been trying to find something to do on the side, but no luck yet. I’ve been dealing with ?????? medical thing??? unexplained fatigue and style other stuff for a while, and part time is so good for me, physically. That was okay, until yesterday.
The game company my girlfriend works for unexpectedly closed, so our main income just…disappeared. (And also now the world won’t get this cool video game.) I need something that pays asap. >:(
Sending you all the good thoughts. 🙁 I work in games, and wow, yeah, that happens way too often. I’m very sorry for your girlfriend and hope she lands on her feet. May you get new income very soon!
Ugh, that’s rough. Sending you tons of good thoughts.
here’s a warm summer thing: after months of gentle nudges and low-key suggestion, my Best Dude Friend has verbally agreed to come desert camping with me!
The Black Rock desert in Nevada! This spring!
He does night-sky photography and CAN YOU IMAGINE?
I am very excite.
desert camping and night sky photography is THE BEST, that sounds awesome and you will have a fabulous time!
I read that as “gentle nudes” at first. But nudges is definitely better. Yay for you two, this sounds so cool!
come to think of it, sending gentle nudes might have convinced him sooner. next time!
🙂
😀
I am very excite for you! That sounds lovely!
Also I went to London and it was awesome, thanks for all the advice!
We had family visiting this week and decided to all watch a movie. We had a vote and most wanted to watch The Ridiculous Six. In case any of you were curious, it is not a good movie. Even without the rascism, it was just awful. I can even get into slapstick, stupid comedy, but they missed every mark. So shitty.
I am told that The Ridiculous Six is somehow Netflix’s most popular movie right now. I do not understand.
Me neither. Even the Adam Sandler fans among us weren’t laughing.
I’ve seen some analysis of this suggesting these explanations:
1. Movies are relatively unpopular on Netflix — they’ve said that something like 2/3 of all streams are of TV episodes. So it doesn’t take much to be “the most popular movie.”
2. Their metric is number of times it has been streamed, which seems to mean number of times it has started playing — they don’t distinguish between whether it gets played all the way through or turned off in disgust after 3 minutes.
3. Semi-related to #2, they’re promoting it UNBELIEVABLY heavily right now, including listing it as the “suggested next” thing anytime you finish watching a movie and having it appear in basically every row on your dashboard. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of its views are people going “Huh, what’s this that’s literally everywhere all of a sudden?” and then shortly afterward “Oh, it’s something that sucks. Back to search, please, Netflix.”
Not too mention, if it’s the suggested next movie on enough things, it might autoplay.
And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started a movie or tv show by accidentally hitting “enter” twice on my remote.
I was wondering about autoplay! I have TV episodes set to autoplay, but I’ve never seen a movie do it — will the suggested next movie sometimes autoplay? I might just have my settings tuned to “TV episodes yes, movies no” or something, I suppose. Anyway, yes, that would also possibly explain some of its success and would frankly raise some serious questions about how far Netflix’s “most popular” numbers can be trusted.
I think so. But maybe it only does that when the next movie is something from my “list.”
Toasties, my company just put an entirely new operating system into place this week and it has been a nightmare. Today has been particularly trying and it is becoming increasingly difficult to put a happy face on for my co-employees. I’m trying to remind myself that I only have four more hours until I can go home and see my new kitty and drink all the drinks.
How do you make it through difficult days at the office (other than reading The Toast, of course).
I try to find as much humor in things as I possibly can. I work alongside someone who can be…challenging, so I probably put as much energy into keeping things light and entertaining as I do in my actual work duties so work doesn’t become a miserable slog. And if at all possible, the moment you walk out the door, leave work at work. Drink cocktails with your new kitty and enjoy your weekend.
I remind myself I only do it to pay the bills and it cannot make me unhappy.
my favorite free festival is hardly strictly bluegrass. i look forward to it each year and it’s always a joy, even if it’s sweltering hot and the crowds are too big. especially if i get to see neko case.
so good, love that fest! Have also been a long time goer of Newport Folk Fest, until I moved west, and now I do Telluride bluegrass which is an absolute delight. I’m still waiting for a magical $200 to appear so I can buy the Neko Case vinyl box set.
augh, that box set haunts meeee
I can’t really do big festivals ’cause I hate crowds, but I went a few years ago to see Merle Haggard with Kris Kristofferson. Worth it just to be able to say that.
Would anyone like to discuss the Cormoran Strike books? I’ve inhaled my way through two and three-quarters of them in the past few weeks. The mysteries keep getting more compelling, but I can’t seem to warm up to Cormoran. I wouldn’t mind the gruffness or callousness from a regular hardboiled sort of detective (and his insensitivity is quite realistic), but for some reason I find the trope of him as gorgeous-woman catnip supremely irritating for its unlikelihood. If the author weren’t J. K. Rowling, I would suspect that he was the product of a male writer’s wish fulfillment. Most of all I dread the consummation of his relationship with Robin, which has been telegraphed from Day 1, and has thus necessitated making all of his romantic interests evil or inconsequential. I love her enthusiasm for training as a detective, and wish things could remain platonic between them.
gurgh! Yes yes yes on the male writer wish fulfillment angle – it’s weird, right? And okay, no one has ever in the history of reading liked Matthew, but Robin has options beyond him & Cormoran, given that she’s apparently the most magnetic woman to every stride the streets of London, and can drive like a badass, and whatever.
I think Rowling just isn’t good at the love-story part of writing? Like, Casual Vacancy was all human garbage people being dull or garbage, and not one HP pairing is better than everyone else’s fanfic, right?
I agree with you 1000%. I do not understand how he gets these gorgeous cultured women since he’s described as chubby, presumably has a slight limp, and has hair described as pube-like. Now, many a Kevin James movie has taught me that physically unattractive men can land gorgeous women with a little perseverance and some humor, but Strike just seems to growl at them and they come running. I don’t buy it.
I want Robin to break up with Matthew once and for all, get her own place, become a badass equal to Strike, and be his best friend and nothing more. But, yeah, it’s…all leaning away from that. Disappointing! Because I’ve enjoyed each book more than the last.
Me too! I’m hoping that Rowling is doing some kind of set up like “haha you’re expecting them to hook up bc they would if this was a wish fulfillment male novelist” where Strike like hits on her and then she is just like, dude no, but I don’t think it’ll happen 🙁
That aside, Matthew is the woooooooorst and Robin needs to dump him.
I want Robin to dump Matthew, have hot rebound sex with Cormoran in his apartment over the office, then decide “Shit, there’s a wide world out there and I don’t need to be tied to anyone!”
Then she can continue to solve cases with Cormoran while she figures out what the hell she actually wants in a life partner and he leaves her to it.
I want her to have hot sex with guys her own age, instead of her boss/mentor. Sorry, I’m just so sick and tired of that trope! He’s constantly and mysteriously scoring with plenty of other out-of-his-league women anyway.
Maybe she could hook up with Cormoran’s nice younger brother?
I’m dreading her getting together with Cormoran. I want her to dump Matthew but “my fiance is grossly jealous of my relationship with my boss, better dump him so I can have more Sexual Tension with boss” is such unsatisfying character development for Robin! I like her but she deserves better than Detective Pube Hair. What do they even have in common besides “mysteries”?
I read the first one and couldn’t get over how hard she seemed to be pushing the “ugly=evil, attractive=good” trope. Like, in addition to Cormoran being a homeless, overweight, grouchy disabled veteran that literally had supermodels salivating over him so we wouldn’t mistake him for not being somehow conventionally attractive anyway, the “surprise twist” was that the one attractive guy who came off as evil was secretly good while the one unattractive nice guy was secretly evil. I never read any of the others.
Toasts! So I *finally* saw Only Lovers Left Alive and WOAH where is the next 24 hours of that movie so I can keep living in their world? Also, I petition a world where Tilda and Tom become the new JLaw and B-Coop and just film like 500 movies together wherein they always play each other’s romantic partner.
Does anybody have any recs for similar worlds, either in film or book? I would also take great facfiction…
I also find that I am seriously addicted to re-reading the All Soul’s Trilogy from Deborah Harkness. Something about being a tenured Yale professor studying at Oxford with witchy ancestry and a handsome brooding vampire man who wears cashmere sweaters, does yoga, is hella into science, and is a wine snob… like… I can’t stop wanting to just live that life?
(Obviously IRL I don’t *need* the witch/vampire angle but I wouldn’t complain…) It’s not perfect by any means, but it is my favorite guilty pleasure.
Am I the only one who loves these books? Are there others? Let’s talk about it! (Also would take fanfic recs for this… I am too afraid to search myself and get into a bad one that goes in a weird direction)
I am HERE for Only Lovers. I love everything about it. I don’t know what my favourite bit is, but one of them is how she’s older than him and is the strong one in the relationship. I also like that they’re so comfortable together that they can live apart. RELATIONSHIP GOALS.
I DGAF that ‘nothing happens’ I just want to live in their world.
YES, I loved their dynamic so so much! Serious relationship goals. Also personal goals bc right now I am much more his character and I want to evolve to be more like hers.
Also her book collection… what a dream!
The chemistry between them was unbelievably good. I need to see it again.
You are not the only one who loves the All Souls books! I inhaled them sometime last year and totally want to live in that world. I love the take on witchcraft. Diana’s family strongly reminded me of the aunts in Practical Magic and those two are life goals for me.
I’m not alone!
Oh my gosh yes, the aunts. Ugh all the family in those books was perfect and I loved meeting all of them. Also I would like my future mother in law to be Ysabeau reincarnate (with a Marthe, too!).
I want an Oxonian vampire to take me to fancy supernatural yoga SO BADLY after reading those books. Also I am almost 33 & still waiting for my witch powers to suddenly manifest to be perfectly honest.
It’s funny because I have a PhD from Yale in molecular biology & Mr.culetheory went to Oxford so reading them it was like SO CLOSE BUT YET SO FAR.
Ahhhhhh you are SO CLOSE!! And yes that yoga class is my DREAM.
Did you and Mr.culetheory meet in a university library? And does he have a scottish fake-brother who is single and looking for love?
Also dreamy and Tilda is I Am Love. It’s not the same world at all, but it’s so slow and lush and Tilda-y.
Jim Jarmusch also did Broken Flowers, so maybe you’d like his feel.
And for sort of a funny take on vampires, which is not at all the same TONE, but is dark and funny, What We Do in the Shadows.
Thank you!! What we do in the Shadows has been on my list but I am now bumping it to the top. Broken Flowers is being added now 🙂
I’ve seen I am Love and it’s def dreamy Tilda but I like her artsy edge in Only Lovers more!
What We Do in the Shadows is so funny and well-done. I really enjoyed it.
Just started reading it! …Just the first one though, so here, have a supportive comment. 🙂
I have a friend who was looking for more examples of that kind of intellectual fulfillment fantasy (tenured Yale professor etc) so if you find any more of that kind of best life reading please let me know 😀
I certainly will ^_^ and please do the same if you/your friend ever find some!
Read A College of Magics and A Scholar of Magic! Oh man I love those two books so much. Or if she wants the nightmare of scholastic achievement, the Magicians.
P.S. I didn’t care much for the Harkness books and I think it’s because Faris and Jane will always be my idea witches. So that’s a warning.
That movie made me want to visit Tangier so bad. Absolutely gorgeous.
OK, Toasts. I’m all scheduled for an 11 day trip to London to visit my lovely wife while she’s there for academic work, and I am SO excited! We even found a great deal for our tickets, so I don’t even have to feel like it was a huge irresponsible expense! I’ve never been to London before, so I’m looking for suggestions of fun things to do, especially if they’re affordable or free. Any ideas?
All the museums in London are free in! (Some exhibits you have to pay for, but general admission is free!)
And if the weathers good, walking along South Bank is nice, you can go all the way from Tower Bridge to Vauxhaull in like an hour and see quite a lot of landmarks!
The South Bank walk is really nice! It also takes you past the Tate Modern, which is worth checking out for the awesomeness of the building and the collection itself.
Not all – the Cartoon Museum near Russell Square has an entrance fee, for example – but yes, most are and all the big ones should be!
Not very affordable, but if you like Indian food go to Veraswamy. OMG. I am the opposite of wealthy but stopped in London for a conference (in Wales, on Tintern Abbey, *AT* Tintern Abbey, will never forget) and I will also never forget their green curry lobster appetizer, scrumptious.
I live in London and can vouch that walking along the South Bank is a gorgeous pleasure, and also maybe try to end up on one of the bridges over the Thames at night. if you’re remotely into theatre, Matilda is the most delightful musical in town, and the National Theatre is a good starting point for non-musical theatre (there’s a half price ticket hut in Leicester Square too, which will probably cover most West End shows). As mentioned above, most galleries and museum are free, and London also has a huge amount of green space – Kensington Gardens is particularly lovely.
I would also be warned that London can be very big if you’re trying to get somewhere in Zone 3 or further out. I will aggressively defend the tube to my dying breath, but the thing about no-one making eye contact with each other and having to resign from public life in disgrace if you accidentally make physical contact with the person next to you is also true. Ooh, also, on the escalators on the tube, walk on the left, stand on the right, and you will make everyone very happy.
I’m really sorry, that wasn’t meant to turn into a lecture on Tube Etiquette.
Thank you for the suggestions and for the etiquette tips! I appreciate knowing how not to appear to be an ignorant American tourist when I’m abroad. I grew up without any decent mass transit options, so when I get the chance to visit a city with anything resembling a functional metro/subway, it’s helpful to be forewarned of the etiquette.
When we were in Paris we did a LOT of walking, and I am happy to do so when taking in the sights of a new city, but I’d like to cut down on some of it if possible. Those were some long days. I dominated my step goals, though!
You can easily dominate your step goals without ever leaving Zone 1, just so you know.
Oh! Take the number 11 bus from Victoria station to Aldgate. Or the other way around, doesn’t matter, but it’ll take you past just about every big thing you want to see without paying for a bus tour (or the commentary)
Oh, and if you’re going on public transport, get yourselves oyster cards. It’s always cheaper than paper tickets and so much easier. It has a cost for the card itself, but I’m pretty sure you get it back if you hand it in when you’re done… don’t remember for sure though.
If you’re a theater-y person you used to be able to show up at the National Theatre (South Bank) like half an hour before a performance and buy discounted tickets. They’re still not suuuuper cheap but I’m not a particularly theater-y person and I’ve loooved everything I’ve seen there, even when I didn’t even check before hand to see what was playing. From their website it looks like now you can get tickets at a couple different price points a couple different ways: http://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/your-visit/book…
Okay, are you ready StillT? Because I have SO MANY London tips/suggestions/opinions. Here goes:
PHONES
Check with your mobile phone service provider because they may have an international plan for travel that you can buy for two weeks. If so, that will allow you to use your smartphone as normal when you’re here. That’s what my folks have done previously. If your phone company doesn’t have a travel offer, your best bet is just to get a cheap phone for texts and calls once you’re here. Heathrow & Gatwick have kiosks that sell burner phones.
TRAVELCARDS
As IronDoe suggests, an Oyster card for public transit is a good idea. I would order one and put £20 on it to start, then when you get here, see about putting a 1-week pass on it at any Oyster ticket machine or just purchasing more pay-as-you-go credit. Since you’re likely to be traveling on the Tube or bus every day, a week pass might be the best option, plus some extra credits for the additional 4 days. You can order visitor Oyster cards online from Rail Europe or Visit Britain, or have your lovely wife grab one from a ticket desk in a major station if she’s already here. They cost £5.
PLACES/ACTIVITIES
– King’s Cross/St. Pancras Station Platform 9 ¾
Harry Potter photo station is next to mainline Platform 8. It’s free to stand at the marked site and take your own photo, queues 20-30 minutes. Professional photography and souvenirs for sale.
– Covent Garden Market
– Churchill War Rooms (Imperial War Museum/IWM London)
– Shakespeare’s Globe
If you have the stamina, groundling tickets are £5. Seated tickets are ~ £25.
– V&A Museum
– Science Museum
– Afternoon tea
Not cheap, but will make for a beautiful date to remember London by. If you want recommendations, just ask. My spouse and I go to afternoon tea for our anniversary every year and can give detailed reviews.
ETA: I may have gotten overexcited by this comment and written up a walking tour of the most famous and/or best-est bits of Westminster & the South Bank… so let me know if that’s a thing anybody wants to see here.
Re phones- giffgaff will send you a free sim if you ask for it online, just order it 48hrs or so before you arrive. If you and your partner get one each calls between you are free (and if you do it and say it was me that recommended you I get extra credit). They are the cheapest option out there and the sim comes with some free credit as well
The Tate Modern is my favourite art gallery in the whole world, so I heartily recommend it. It’s free! It has free wifi, which is handy when you’re an out-of-towner! It also has amazing views of St. Paul’s and the Millennium Bridge, which are awesome sights in their own right. If you walk across the Millennium Bridge, take a close look at the metal ground you’re walking on—an artist has painted little robot/animal creatures inbetween the slats. The Tate Modern is also super close to the Globe Theatre, which has VERY cheap tickets for “groundlings”, which means you stand in the yard the whole show. If your trip is soon, though, I don’t think they’ll have any shows happening. (An open-air theatre is a no-go in January, I guess.)
The National Gallery is also very good, free, and full of lots of famous art.
A bit more random and not a “major” sight, but the Royal Courts of Justice are pretty interesting and centrally located. Beautiful inside and out, and they have a small exhibit about legal dress through history.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR HOBBIES! Especially social hobbies that involve groups/regular meetings/whatever.
I’m trying to Do More Things that aren’t sitting on the internet or watching TV. I like to hike and play music (not usually at the same time), but I’m feeling like I need to get into something that has a community element to it. Since you’re the smartest and most interesting people I know, I want to hear about what you do for fun!
Role playing gaaaames!
I’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons and other games like that since high school. They are the linchpin of my social life, no exaggeration. It’s a great way to be creative and collaborative with friends because you get to bounce ideas off each other and improvise. You get to try out new roles and personalities. And you get to fight monsters and stuff. I’m currently a player in one game and I’m about to start running a second game.
Yes! That’s my weekend plan, and I’m so excited that I’ve been listening to podcasts of D&D games to get pumped up (Geek & Sundry Critical Role: they’re really sloooow for my taste so sometimes I just skip to the fights). It’s my favorite way to be social and creative with folks.
I’ve been playing Shadowrun with the same group of women for over a year now and it’s so great. We have a male GM, but we outnumber him and he’s pretty patient with our distractibility and the fact that we never ever end up doing what he thinks we’ll do. We have all sorts of in jokes now and it’s great.
Yesss in jokes are the best. Have you seen the Out of Context DnD tumblr? It’s basically a repository for in-jokes from campaigns the world over. Delightful.
I love out of context DnD! A few times I’ve been tempted to submit some things from our game, but haven’t yet. Have you seen the dice shaming?
Seconded! I have never had so much fun as when I’m playing D&D. I miss playing so, so much.
I haven’t done it much lately, but I’ve really enjoyed meetups for card games. I’m sure board games would have a similar vibe, if that’s more your style. All types of people and not much pressure to have a deep conversation or even to be all that good at euchre, as long as you’re a good sport.
I joined a local quilt guild a couple of years ago that meets once a month in the evening, and once every other month on a Saturday for a day of sewing and chatting. Sewing wouldn’t usually be thought of as a social activity, but it can be. I know there are lots of knitting groups like that around too, with members that will help you with projects, support your progress, and just be friendly and chat over coffee.
I would love to find a local Crochet group, or even just a crafting group, but they all seem to be defunct 🙁
Have you asked around at yarn shops? They might know of some, or have events of their own where you could meet people to get something going! I’ve also talked about doing virtual stitch’n’bitch with #toastietwitter, but haven’t figured out how to do it yet.
Facebook can be really helpful for this sort of thing.
I feel like I suggest Ravelry every OT in response to some question or other, but . . . have you tried Ravelry?
I found my excellent textiles group through Ravelry. I knew they were for me when one of them was going through a breakup, and I just happened to have Julia Serrano’s Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity on me, and I was like “Ooooooo, you might find this passage helpful” and then everyone at the table read it and she took pictures so she wouldn’t forget. I HIGHLY recommend this as a way of vetting people.
Photography and lately drawing have been mine. I also did martial arts for a long time but have been kind of on hiatus lately due to laziness on my part. Would love to get back into it though.
We also do board game nights with some friends, which are also dinner party-ish (causal, but we all like cooking food so it’s fun to share meals with a group).
I just started a pottery class, and it’s really great! My studio lets you come in when there aren’t classes going on for open studio time, and everyone is really friendly and willing to give advice if you ask for it. The class I am in is mixed-levels, so there are total beginners (me) and more experienced folks who kind of do their own thing while the class is going on, so it’s nice to be able to have people to ask for pointers. I’m only one week in, but I’m really enjoying it!
Since you play music, you could find if there’s any bars/pubs in your area that host an open mic night. I started going to one with a friend of mine and it’s just the most amazing group of people, and coming together on the regular to make music together is just one of the best parts of my life right now, no lie. We jokingly call it the Church of Music, and it’s the funnest thing. Also I’ve been drafted into a bluegrass band, lol.
This! Or another group; I joined a Balinese percussion orchestra (I have Western percussion background), and everyone is lovely and it is an excellent way to spend a Tuesday.
For whatever reason, the people I’ve met at bouldering/rock climbing places are the absolute nicest people.
This really validates my persistent interest in rock climbing!
Judo! Mainly because throwing people is awesome, but also because the art seems to attract a pretty fabulous bunch of people- and I’ve tried a pretty decent sample of dojos!
I know my area has some hiking meetups- maybe that could be a two in one for you?
Country walks! And dance classes. The latter are way less intimidating than people think.
I go to a book club as a patron (though I work for the library) and it is great. Once a month, low key, and it’s an interesting cross section of the community. Not great for meeting friends, but that isn’t something I need right now.
I’ve done this too, and look forward to doing it again–like knitting/sewing, it can just be nice to be in a room with people w/o needing to be socially “on.”
I docent for a local museum. That means that 2-3 times a year I have cause to dive into learning some new subject based on the current exhibit. Also there’s an offshoot book group of other volunteers (mostly other docents) that meets once a week and sometimes get together for plays and movies and such. That doesn’t come automatically with docenting activities, but worked as a nice bonus in this case.
I joined a learning collective and I’m working on my permaculture design certificate with a group of 10 other interesting people! Its neat, we all submit readings that relate to the curriculum, and have weekly discussion meetings and sometimes practical skills workshops. I’m learning a lot, there’s always a potluck and I’ve met so many new people.
Toasties, how do you make big decisions? Especially when it’s less a choice between a finite number of defined options, and more like, what kind of life do I want to have, what kind of person do I want to be. I’m graduating from college in the spring, and I feel like I’ve been on a clearly defined path for so long to get to college graduation, and now when I look at what’s ahead of me there’s no next step, it’s just, the rest of my life????
What did you do right after college? What do you wish you did? One thing that’s kind of appealing to me is the idea of a writing a life mission statement, so you have a clear set of values to guide your decisions, if you were writing one what would it be??
All wisdom/commiseration/”you’re being melodramatic, just get a damn job” is much appreciated!
“What did you do right after college?”
I rented a shitty falling apart cabin by a lake, adopted a literal wolf dog* who I would go running through the woods with at 5 am in the dead of winter, and had minimal human contact outside of working a shitty minimum wage job… for a year. Then I went back to college.
I am no help at all, am I?
* Tangent: I did not know he was part wolf, the shelter told me he was a Catahoula leopard dog, and I was like, “uh huh, whatevs, he’s a big sweetheart, I don’t care what he is”. He was a therapy dog for a while, worked well with kids especially, and a few years ago, now that he’s 11 and retired and living with my parents, they decided to do one of those DNA test things they saw at the vet, for fun. LOL, he’s a 120 lb wolf great dane mix. Welp.
That sounds amazing, in a romantic, personal-discovery-in-the-barren-wilderness kind of way. Adopting a wolf dog could only help, right?
That sounds incredible.
Oh man, this was the WORST for me. Like you, I had always had A Plan, and graduating was TERRIFYING because I did not manage to land a job pre-graduation. Here’s how it went down:
I graduated in May 2011 with a BA in English & Women’s and Gender Studies from a private liberal arts college near Boston. I had held the same part-time off campus job for two years already. I had gone on a couple of job interviews, but hadn’t landed anything. And my lease was up two weeks after graduation.
So: I snagged a sublet from a friend’s roommate in my college town. I kept my part time job (SAT prep instructor) and upped my hours. And I kept job hunting. I went on plenty of interviews that summer, but didn’t land anything. In September, my senior year roommate and I moved into two open rooms in the top floor of a crumbling Victorian in the Brighton neighborhood of Boston, and we kept job hunting. I kept my part time job, had some help from my parents because there were literally not enough hours for me to work once school started again. Thankfully, my parents were willing and able to help me!
I knew what kind of job I wanted (nonprofit comms) and what cities I wanted to look at (Boston and NYC) but it took me until the end of January to get a job offer. At that point, I picked up and moved to NYC on almost no notice to take a job that was not what I wanted that I ended up hating. Almost four years later, I’m two jobs beyond that one, love what I’m doing, have built a career and a life and so on.
So: in some ways yes, you’re being melodramatic. But finding a job is a crapshoot, and you’re going to have to free-fall a little bit in some ways. Learning to be okay with that free fall is the best thing I did. Take some deep breaths. You’ll be okay.
Free fall is a good descriptor! ‘You’ll be okay’ is what everyone keeps saying, and every time I hear it I think it sinks in a little bit more, so thank you!
“Wisdom”
After college I crash-landed with the parents for about 6-8 months working a part-time job that turned full-time right around the time I got a “better” offer (which turned out to be one of the most miserable experiences I have had as a human, and which I was let go from after another 6 months of hell). Then I was unemployed. Then I was extra employed, i.e., working two jobs. I would not trade any of these experiences now. I feel like everyone I know had “life experience” after college. We all benefited, honestly.
If a mission statement will help you navigate this time, though, do it.
I wish I had traveled a lot more before I had a real job and a serious relationship. The advice I give everyone graduating is, this is your time to go and teach English in Japan! Or backpack around Europe! Or whatever floats your boat!
This! I started job hunting straight away and have been working ever since. I look at all those cool summer programs and language schools abroad and get so yearny, but I’m far too risk averse to leave my job to go and learn a language for a few months or go and work abroad on those year-long programs like JET or something like WWOOF.
I enjoy my life now and I love being settled, but if I could go back a few years I would have taken some time off after graduating to go and do a non-career related thing abroad.
I graduated with a degree in International Relations and Spanish, and went to law school for a semester, and hated it, so I dropped out. Then I dicked around for a while. Then I got a masters in elementary education and taught for two years, and I loved the parts where I worked with kids and hated everything else and my school got reorganized because hey, shocker, a school that’s 70%+ free/reduced lunch and 65%+ ESL wasn’t able to hit AYP goals for reading and writing English, fuck you very much NCLB, and a ton of staff got moved and a principal I liked got fired (because stability isn’t important in an educational system, amirite?), and I was so burned out and angry that I quit (although I have nothing but respect and love for the people who kept working there). I had started to futz around with programming in my free time, because I had some ideas for classroom tools, and that was fun, so I applied to Dev Bootcamp, got in, did that, and took a job a year ago doing web dev work here in Chicago.
All of which is to say: I had a plan, and it blew up less than a year after I graduated college, and then I vacillated wildly between career paths, and I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night wondering what the fuck I am doing with my life. And yet. I have a stable job, doing work I like, in a cool city. I am dating an awesome person whose presence in it enriches my life on a daily basis. I have friends, and family, and some degree of freedom, and I have built a life that I like despite having to throw my plans away multiple times. You will be ok. This panic is normal. Everyone feels it, to some degree, even people walking paths that look super-set-in-stone. I think your idea of writing a life mission statement is a good one, because you should know what you value and where you’re going to set your feet and draw your lines, but when it comes to plans or paths, remember that people plan and God laughs.
I LOVE reading stories like this, because all the things you’ve done sound like great experiences, so then I realize, how come I feel like if I started law school and didn’t like it that would be *the worst thing,* but when I read about someone else doing that, it’s so easy to see that’s it’s fine?
They were! And yet, despite absolutely knowing that law school was Not For Me, I waffled and waited and agonized over it and spent a few months after I left desperately questioning my decision. I am flippant about it now, but “so I dropped out” sorta glosses over a lot of ugly time in my life. My parents are both lawyers, and I had thought since I was 14 that I would be a lawyer. It felt like I was throwing away my whole life. So, just to slightly push back, it wasn’t that it was fine then; then, it was definitely the worst thing. I didn’t realize what a blessing it was (both getting the experience and walking away when I did) until I had some distance. Don’t beat yourself up too much for that.
Hi twin! We had almost the exact same career path! Mine went like this:
Global Studies/language major > Decided against law school > Taught high school > Got into coding as a hobby > Tried to get tech jobs and no one would interview me > Started a masters program in software engineering > Software Project Manager > Web Developer
If I had advice for my former self it would have been to quit the things I didn’t like even sooner, and to not be afraid to grab opportunities that take you in an unexpected direction. I never thought I would be a language teacher or manage software projects or write code when I graduated, but each of those has given me really useful skills that I continue to utilize.
Oh, 100% agree. I needed so much to know when to listen to my gut and shut stuff down, in every facet of my life. (Still do, really.)
Let me give you some “what I wish I did”.
If a) you don’t have a job lined up or it doesn’t start right away and b) you can afford it, I’d say travel a bit and/or do something a bit odd like, like, get a summer job on a farm via WWOOF, or do one of those language schools where you stay with a host, or teach English abroad, or be an au pair. Those are pretty rad experiences that are meant to be for this stage of your life, and if you don’t do it now, then you’ll be trying to do it while juggling a job, family, mortgage, vacation budget, etc.
Many of those options are also ideal for sitting by yourself on a train journaling and planning your dream life. Even if you don’t leave the country you can take a road trip and stay in airbnbs. Try and get a good feel for how different things can be in different places, then you’ll have some of those options to choose between.
Oh man, I was scared shitless when I graduated from college. All I’d ever done was go to school, and I specifically didn’t want to keep doing that (not because I disliked it, on the contrary, but because I was tired of doing what everyone expected of me and not going to grad school was a non-stupid way to thwart expectations). What I did, which I think worked out pretty well, was to pick one thing I knew I wanted – I knew where I wanted to live. I found a roommate, moved to that city, and focused all my energy on finding a job that would let me afford rent. And I ended up living there for five years and eventually going to grad school anyway (but with in-state tuition, so win) and figuring a career out from there.
My spouse has been putting himself through school two or three classes at a time for nearly ten years, and has graduated now, and then suddenly realized his entire, ENTIRE “future career plan” was “apply to grad schools?” So we started seeing a couple’s counselor that also specializes in vocational counseling and she is helping us with stuff like “what kind of life do you want,” and “how do you want this relationship to look during that life,” and it’s been really, really, just so very helpful. Sometimes you just need some help to untangle this stuff!
A counselor that also specializes in vocational counseling?? I didn’t know that was a thing, and now I feel like it’s exactly the thing I need!
Yes! I’m glad she also does couple’s counseling because we had some stuff to work through there, but the impetus was my spouse trying to figure out what is next. It turns out, he had never really asked himself any questions about how he wants his life to look or what kinds of work make him happy or how he feels fulfilled or what he really enjoys in life, because for so long it’s been work and school and no time or money for fun or thinking. I don’t think it’s that unusual to find someone who does “regular” therapy who also does vocational stuff, so good luck! It has been SO incredibly helpful.
I wish I had understood sooner that gainful employment is more about recognizing, seizing, and running with opportunities *as they arise*, and less about sticking to a career path.
1) Do a thing that seems like a good idea at the time
2) Discover some things about it are great and some are horrible
3) Try to find a better thing with more of the good parts and less of the bad parts
repeat
Seriously the best advice I would give my college-age self is to not wait until you think you know the perfect job or the perfect apartment or whatever, to just try things and refine your life choices from there. Did you spend all of college locked into the plan you made at freshman orientation? No one spends their twenties locked into something they thought of while they were in college either. You can only find out what works for you by trying it. In five years your shitty first real job is going to be a great story you tell people at parties.
ETA: What I’m trying to say is Don’t be Aaron Burr. Be Alexander Hamilton. I have a college friend who super is Aaron Burr reincarnated and being fixated on fulfilling everyone’s expectations of her from when she was in college is not making her happy.
In five years your shitty first real job is going to be a great story you tell people at parties.
The terrible apartments/SOs/jobs get so, so much funnier with a few years in between you and them.
I had no idea what I wanted to do, so I applied for random one year jobs that paid next to nothing, but were vaguely in fields I thought I might want to do. I was very lucky to have the financial privilege to do so, but it was a relatively low stress method of figuring out where I wanted to go. Very much not applicable to many people, who need jobs that pay real money and/ or don’t even have vague ideas what they want to do.
I think it helps to figure out what kind of person you are first, and then maybe work on what kind of a person you want to be eventually. Lots of people will tell you now is the time to take chances and travel and rotate through internships. And maybe it is for you! Or maybe it’s not and that’s okay too!
In my field it’s basically expected that new grads spend a year or two taking a series of 3-6 month internships, learning new things at each and ping-ponging across the country/world. Which sounds great! I was miserable. I am the kind of person who likes stability and comfort and hates risk. No knowing where I would be living or whether I would be employed in 3 months time was exhausting. If I would have paid more attention to myself and less to what was expected of me I would have been much happier for a few years and no worse off in the long run.
Oh boy, it’s rough after college. I fell apart for a while, and still occasionally do. You aren’t being melodramatic at all to think figuring out what to do when things are both wide open and yet also limited is a big deal.
I wish I’d taken a few bigger chances right after college. A few people I knew traveled and bounced around and it led them in surprising paths. That gets harder to do the older you get, not impossible but once you have a life partner, or kids, or aging parents and a loan for a house or a car, it’s hard to just get up and go. So WOOFing or working in antartica or being the crew on a ship, or doing peace corps, that’s pretty much right out at 35-50.
I’d also wished that I had gotten my paws on more hard skills at college like, coding or photoshop, certain software programs etc. So if there’s a field you’d like to go into and there’s a chance to be an underpaid intern, it’s worth doing that at places that will really teach you the skills.
The big thing from now on is that as things come at you, they’ll shape you. Each thing contributes a little clue for the years after it and starts to wear little grooves in you. Its going to be hard to get off the track made by the grooves later, once you’ve invested the time, so if you have the time and energy now to be underemployed but learning and experiencing things that interest you, you’ll be in good shape. That’s what I’d recommend, follow your enthusiasm and be careful to really listen to yourself.
As for making a list of what you value, I think make a list of what your dream of yourself as an adult is and break down the steps you’d need to get there. If it’s well traveled, then you need to start traveling. If it’s being a boss, you need to find a place where they’ll let you be in charge of someone, if it’s being rich, a job that pays well, etc. These goals will change as you get feedback, but it’s good to think about what you want to do, and work backwards to, what kind of skills does that kind of person need?
I went to work at camp for one more summer. Toward the end of the summer, my boss at camp put a job application in my mailbox for a job teaching outdoor ed during the schoolyear. I applied, was hired within a week of submitting it, moved to Connecticut a few weeks after that, started working. I’m currently enjoying the offseason and preparing to go back to work in February.
IMMEDIATELY after college I moved back home with my parents, clung furiously to a relationship with a flaky actor who didn’t believe in monogamy, worked for a shady eBay business, and totaled my car. But that’s another story for another time.
Basically: I’ve been in graduate school since I graduated from undergrad (so six years at this point), and I really really really wish I’d taken time off. I don’t even think you need to travel if you don’t have the travel bug, but go do something weird — live in a shitty apartment in a big city, or a nice apartment in a small town, work a job you’ve never tried before. You will never be as comfortable in a state of relative discomfort as you are now (read: lots of roommates, a futon mattress on the floor, mac and cheese for every meal, etc).
I think if I were to have written a life mission statement when I was 21, my goals would have been all about getting a Ph.D., getting an academic job, partnering up with some complicated doting literary dude. Now, at 27, I find myself with a whole new set of goals, maybe not even continuing in academia at all, and partnered to a reserved nerdy type that I never would have envisioned (but love dearly, and have moved all the way across the country for). And I’m sure at 30 and 35 and 40 and so on all those goals will look different, so… I guess just take it one day at a time. As long as you’re taking the time to be introspective about what you want and value (which it seems like you are) you can’t really go wrong.
Mission statement is a great idea–I’ve done variations on that (5-year plan, 7 Habits of Emotionally Stunted People, etc.) & they always help to gently merge your values with your pursuits. Also, this is weird, but watch seasons 6 & 7 of Parks and Recreation and follow along as people change career tracks and try to find new passions. The show is funny but I can’t believe how insightful some of those storylines are.
No advice on how to make big decisions, but here’s what I’ve done after college:
I graduated in 2008 in Boston with a useless history degree. Worked as an administrative assistant or whatever the title was for about a year and a half while living with friends. Friends started to leave Boston. I quit my job to do a month-long TEFL course so I could teach English in Russia. Did not find a job in Russia, stayed in Boston for like four more years at boring jobs with very few friends left in town. I finally left at age 27 to do a masters in Scotland, a few years after I probably should have gotten up the energy to change my life. Getting ready to move to my third new country in two days and it’s terrifying but in a good way.
So I guess my advice is that if you do write a life plan, try to include the things you really want to do and not just the things that are safe but maybe boring.
Maybe think about your big questions as the outcome of lots of little decisions rather than the consequence of a single big decision? Like, “what kind of life do I want to have” comes from a ton of smaller decisions ranging in size from “do I want this job” to “do I like this couch” to “am I more of a cotton sheets person or a microfiber sheets person right now?” to, like, “should I smile at this barista?” Make ’em one at a time, it’ll work out.
I cheated and picked a job with a professional path, so my path out of undergrad looked like: take a month or two off and spend time with family, work for a while in my field, go back to grad school, work some more, get licensed. Picked up a husband along the way, so now we’re working on the rest of our life path/ outcomes/ etc., and frankly we still don’t really have a plan for ten years down the road- we’re pretty much in the 2-3 year range (if that), and that works fine for us.
Don’t be afraid to make a choice and change your mind later! My husband started a PhD, switched to an entirely different Master’s program, got a job and dropped out of that and is happy as a clam in his current field. One thing I like to tell myself is that even if I decided to take up an entirely different field at age 40, I could spend five years getting an education and still have a twenty year career if I wanted to/ was able to retire at 65. You don’t have to get it right the first time (or the second or third or fourth, etc), just be honest with yourself if something’s not working and take steps to make a change, hopefully getting closer to what works for you as you do.
I just graduated last May, so I may not be super helpful, but perhaps I can be evidence of someone a year out from where you are now who is doing ok?
Basically I graduated with an English major and Spanish minor, then two days later I was in Europe. I had a job as an au pair in Spain which I had to end early because the mother of the family was a crazy person. Wound up stranded on the wrong continent for a bit, living in the dining room of the apartment of some friends that I met over there. Left Spain and backpacked around for a bit before heading home, then sat on my butt for three weeks at my parents house. And then I went to grad school, where I’m now pursuing my Masters in English and TAing and doing quite well.
It’s scary to be a Real Adult, but I’ve found a lot of solace in realizing that it’s ok to make mistakes, and it’s ok not to have everything perfectly together all the time. At the very least you probably won’t end up living in a dining room on the other side of the Atlantic from your family and most of your friends. And even if you do, it’ll be ok. Sometimes it takes a little while to get things figured out. You’ve got this!
I moved to China. Three years later I’m still working things out after moving home to Europe. Things do fall into place. Try to pay attention to what makes you feel happy and productive and reach towards that. It’s terrifying and fun 🙂
I apparently really needed to read a thread like this. You are all so wise!
I dropped out, travelled a little bit, partied a whole lot, worked shitty warehouse jobs, became a communist, lied my way into a mechanic job and eventually ended up getting a trade certificate… And now I vagabond around Montreal doing whatever and planning adventures because thinking about the future is terrifying and kind of pointless. Probably doesn’t help?
But anyway, I’m totally not “successful” in any way, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Not having a plan is okay. Its gonna be fine, or it won’t, and then you’ll change something.
@all I’m coming back to this so late, but I loved reading all of these replies, they were all comforting and wise.
I gather a lot of toasties work in nonprofits–anyone in nonprofit development, specifically? I’m in development at a tiny nonprofit, and I have a Very Nice Job that pays the bills and offers great work life balance (praise be), but I am never particularly challenged or inspired at work. I’m not entry level, but I am a jack-of-all-trades here since there are only two fundraisers. If I do my job well and we keep growing, we’ll hire more people and I will have the freedom to grow into whatever area of development I want! Now if I could only figure out what that is. I used to want to be a major gifts officer (ie, the one that goes to all the parties and straight up asks people for $$), but now I’m pretty sure that’s not for me. Though I do LOVE PARTIES, and I am really good at meeting people and connecting people who should know each other (I do this in my personal life, and it makes me happy).
So: I would love to hear personal tales about specific areas of development have been particularly rewarding and fun. Jobs that were super fun, and why? Jobs you HATED? Tell me to run from the nonprofit world and never look back? Whatever it is, I wanna hear it.
Have you thought about grant/foundation relations? There’s a lot of relationship building (also writing), but the relationship building seems less intense and erratic than with the major gifts people. You get to spend more time talking to the program people at your non-profit, and if you care about the cause this is super fun and rewarding, and also involves connecting people/projects with funders you think will work from them. If you’re good at grant writing, you can go freelance if your life ever wants to be super flexible/work from anywhere for travel/family/health reasons. Plus eventually if you are interested it opens doors to move in to working for a foundation, and giving money away instead of asking for it, which always seemed like it would be fun!
I enjoyed nothing about development except the donor database. That’s some tasty work, right there, managing all that data. Keep that in mind, if you’re of a techie bent.
Following this as I’m in the same situation as you, nevergiveaninch
I work for development at a university, writing proposals for major gift officers to give to their prospects (and occasionally pinch-hit for foundation proposals as well). It might be more solitary than what you are looking for, but I do talk to a lot of interesting people doing all kinds of research. Offhand, in the last couple of months, I’ve worked with an astrophysicist, an expert on the World Bank, and an intersectional feminist scholar. I take their incredibly specialized area of expertise and (in written form) explain why it is important, and what it tells us that we wouldn’t otherwise know. It’s a great job.
I was reading one of those ‘clean eating’ plans. It says to abstain from alcohol, fine. Sugar, well worth a shot. Coffee, no, nope FFFUUUUUU, double birds forever. (It was also heavy on the grapefruit, which I’m not supposed to eat anyways)
But alas I need to experiment with something, for reasons of my joints continually attempting to kill me. So anti inflammatory/’clean’ meal plans that won’t make you hate life, are they a thing? And any experience with anti-inflammatory eating? I just want to be able to walk around without pain.
is whole30 an option? i think you can keep coffee on it.
I just did a Whole 30 (actually more like a Whole 20, but still) for my guts– it worked!!– and also noticed that my hips never hurt in the morning, which was a surprise. You can drink coffee but you’re supposed to drink it black since dairy is on the “no” list.
I figured 30 days isn’t too big of a deal, and it wasn’t as far as the food itself went. But after awhile I just couldn’t handle all the meal planning. I usually only cook a few times a week so this was a huge difference. Also it was a lot of meat, so it was basically Thanksgiving for breakfast every morning. Kinda funny.
For a specifically anti-inflamatory diet, there’s the Autoimmune Protocol, which is a more restricted Paleo (haha I know) but if you start with a Whole 30 (the book is at the library and their website has all the details for free) and do the re-introductions, you’ll start to have a good idea of what your body isn’t liking, and then you can add the different restrictions to try those, too.
I found all the world’s plans and diets to be really arbitrary and discouraging? Like the plan you were looking at with the no booze, no sugar, no coffee. Why those things all together? Why not try eliminating a couple and keep the coffee? WHY, PLAN? So I just take what makes sense to me and leave the rest.
I’ve had inflammatory garbage for over a decade, but I was diagnosed with Even Worse Inflammatory Garbage last winter, so I really cranked up the healthy eating and I feel SUPER GREAT. Really remarkable improvement.
My diet goes like this: I strive for 50% of my daily intake to be non-fruit plant matter. Fresh or cooked, doesn’t matter. The rest is fruit, whole grains, and a bit of cheese and yogurt and eggs. I drink green tea, decaf coffee, and water. When I’m feeling real wild, I have a La Croix. WooooOOOOOo.
My rule is that if I feel even the TINIEST bit not good after eating something, I aggressively minimize my intake of it. I’m not gluten intolerant, but breads and pasta and etc make me feel foggy and bleh. It might not contribute to inflammation, but if my body is reacting like I put something bad in it maybe I should listen??? I started feeling a whole lot better once I put this rule in place.
Something that has helped my joint pain a lot is adding collagen into my diet.
It dissolved into pretty much anything remotely liquidy. It’s not tasteless, but I find if I mix in a couple of tablespoons with stuff like a protein shake, hot chocolate, coffee (with cream + sugar), chai, etc., that I can’t really taste the difference.
On a different (self-promotion, please hire me) note, I am now looking for work as a baby iOS developer. If you know of any leads, please pass on my info, or let me know!
http://jshamilton.net
I have no connections for you unfortunately, by OMG that How Much Trip app. What a great idea, and so beautiful.
Period foods? Mine are salt and vinegar kettle chips and orange Hostess cupcakes.
I’m somewhere in menopause – less-frequent periods but still PMS, woohoo lucky me! – and carbonation is what I crave. Beer, seltzer, soda, prosecco, doesn’t matter, give me bubbles and a lot of them. When I can convince the Spouse that kitchen counters are made to have things on them, and not be empty pristine runways, I’m all over a Sodastream.
Salt and vinegar Tayto and Cadbury’s Dairy Milk. Lush.
Sour cream and onion chips, mostly. I crave salt like crazy. Usually some Ben and Jerry’s too.
I just found out you can buy salt licks for your livestock on Amazon and I’m considering buying one not for my livestock, which I don’t have.
I have seriously considered this because I have tremendously low blood pressure and if I don’t have something salty midday I get queasy and dizzy. Instead I keep some emergency bags of Fritos in my desk drawer. I am convinced that some days they are the only reason I can stand up without immediately falling over again.
Overly-literal Captain Technical here … You’re probably at least somewhat kidding, but make sure what you’re looking at is just salt; often livestock salt has lots of minerals and other things added.
I’ve often considered buying one of those Himalayan salt lamps just so I can lick it.
Those bulk packs of seasoned nori chips they sell at Costco, and chile relleno, eaten with a side of rice and scooped up with corn chips.
Meat, greens, and Sees candy. Separately.
Chocolate. Bittersweet chocolate with hazelnut is best, or trader joes pound +, or dark chocolate peanut butter cups, because I become a fucking rampaging hulk monster manimal if I don’t get at least the weight of my arm in chocolate.
dark chocolate, 90% cocoa or higher
Salt and chocolate and red meat. I mean, I like these all the time, but I NEED them at period time.
Salty potato chips. Salty nuts. Taco Bell. Salt. Just straight-up licking salt off my hands.
Chocolate (obv) and a local restaurant/brewery here makes an amazing Peanut Butter & Bacon burger that i crave nearly every period.
All the things doctors say you shouldn’t have on your period like chocolate cupcakes and Dr Pepper. I am full of directionless fury/stubbornness at the best of times and it increases tenfold on my period. Apparently I will rebel against anyone telling me what to do, even if it’s a doctor.
Salt and vinegar Cape Cod chips are my favorite snack food. So salty. So vinegary.
Haagen Das chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream.
Gummi anything, salt ALL THE SALT.
Potato chips, ramen, seasoned seaweed, anything that’s really goddamn salty but also a little greasy.
at least once a month in undergrad:
*2 days of wanting nothing but salt and vinegar chips*
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
*shark week*
oh…
we are one and the same
Confession time, here’s what I’ve got.
Sometimes when I look at a shot
Of Charlie Potato Hashbrowns, I am not
Sure whether I am looking at his butt or his head.
Is he a tater or is he a tot?
Sure he’s real cute either way,
But I have just got to say,
Why does he have so much fuzz in his face?
If not to take deadly aim at the affections of the human race?
THIS IS PERFECT YOU SHOULD BE POET LAUREATE
I JUST REALIZED THIS IS HAMILTON-BASED I THINK WHICH MAKES IT EVEN BETTER THANK YOU YES
Potato laureate.
In case any Toasties are interested, I have an update re: that thread about the new driver’s licenses and my brother’s mail theft problem. He finally, FINALLY got his license in the mail via his new non-USPS postal box. We’re going to stick to using that address to mail things from here on out because we just can’t trust his regular postal carriers. Supposedly, the DMV reported the other licenses as missing/stolen. No news from the postal inspector general’s office on anything being done about his mail service.
WTF how is nothing being done about this from the post office end! I was thinking about you and this situation the other day because it was SO WEIRD. I’m glad there’s at least some kind of solution but like….WTF.
So my new year’s resolution was to stop buying yarn or adding to my ravelry queue until I’ve worked through most of what I’ve already got going. Crafters, what are your works in progress? Finished any big projects lately? I finally finished putting together a bunch of granny squares that I’ve had sitting in a bag since 2013!
I’ve been working on a blanket for THREE YEARS and I finally finished the main body work. I got 1/4 way through the trim when I ran out of yarn. Boo. Now just waiting for some money so I can order more. :-/
I am also knitting a lace shawl that I designed myself and remarkably it’s actually working. Whaaaaat.
I am also trying not to buy more yarn until I get through more of my current stash. My problem is that people just keep giving me yarn when they de-stash and it’s too nice to get rid of. Boo.
pray tell, what is a granny square???
i think i might have an enormous enormous bag of granny squares that is somehow still insufficient to make into a blanket…
It’s when you crochet a whole bunch of small squares and join them together to make an afghan, like this: https://www.google.com/search?q=granny+square&…
I was trying to write a quilting book a few years ago, but all my proposals were rejected, so I’m thinking about doing it in parts and selling as an ebook/REALLY long pattern on craftsy.com. Maybe one part instructions (long and detailed) with one project, then additional projects as individual patterns?
This is the style I’ve developed (but not the only quilting I do!)
http://sarahjbakes.blogspot.com/2014/03/hawaiian-…
Ooh, that is gorgeous! I was born in Hawaii (military brat) so someone gave my parents a really cool Hawaiian quilted baby blanket. Wish I knew where that was.
That’s so cool!
Lalala, still sitting on the dress I was supposed to make my sister for xmas. Progress will be made this weekend OR ELSE!
I just started knitting and I made a scarf and a matching hat! I made the hat as a flat piece and then used a mattress stitch to put it together resulting in the top being a little too angular for my taste, so I added two pom poms to the “corners” and it is super cute and whimsical looking!
I have a queen-sized quilt I need to bind, that is priority #1. Then a baby quilt for a friend, those are fun!! And finally, my mom got me 2 quilt books for Christmas, so I would like to make her a quilt for next Christmas.
Yay! I have 2 baby quilts to make in the next few months are they’re so fun! It’s as close to instant gratification as you can get in quilting.
I’m mostly making mini quilts that become pillows or door hangings, so fast!
I have a cross-stitch project I have been working on since approximately 2008 that I am going to make progress on this weekend, dammit.
I’m still working on my Mrs. Garter. I’m doing the asymmetrical version, and the wider garter portion is taking FOREVERRRRRRR OMG. But it’s gonna look so cool when I’m done, I know it.
Oooh, that’s a really nice pattern. I’m working on a http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/moroccan-… for my Mum – just got the sleeves to go, but lost all motivation =(
I’m working on this scarf http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/strathcon…
Thank you, thank you whichever Toastie recommended Jane Richmond’s Island patterns!! I’m going to try the Renfrew hat when I’m done with the scarf.
Also happening this weekend (hopefully) making clay coasters for my aunt’s birthday (trying that marbled-look thing I’ve seen on pintrest)
I made my MIL a scarf and earwarmer set for Christmas, and a bunch of amigurumi cat toys and a dog sweater for my friend’s chihuahua. Yesterday I wove a scarf out of vintage boucle yarn I picked up at the thrift store while I watched Sense and Sensibility and mourned Captain Brandon.
One of my resolutions/goals for this year is to finish one crafty thing per month! The one I’m hoping to finish in January is a shadowbox display for a sweet fossilized megalodon tooth I bought last year, which has been sitting sadly in its little jewelry-type box all this time, not being shown off. So far I’ve mostly just done a bunch of sketching and planning, but now that I’ve settled on a plan this weekend I’m hoping to go do a bit of beachcombing and collect some shells, driftwood, etc. to use in the display.
Is there a toast ravelry group? Because I feel like there should be.
Let’s talk about board and card and other tabletop games!
I went to an Android: Netrunner tournament last Sunday, and I think I did a bit better than at the last one, though it’s hard to compare because the list of participants was very different. Also I finally gave in and ordered the rest of the cards online, and Canada Post says they should be delivered today, so that’s very exciting.
And tomorrow I’m going to play board games with friends who I haven’t seen enough of lately, which is also very exciting. I need to decide what games to bring. Maybe just Sushi Go! and my attempt at making Netrunner teaching decks.
Who has gaming plans this weekend?
I do! We’re playing Lords of Waterdeep and eating takeout in a condo, and I AM STOKED.
That sounds excellent! I will also be playing games in a condo, and apparently there is a good burger place near it that we will likely venture out to.
YES I LOVE IT so so much.
Minor update: My Netrunner cards are here! I now own everything but a third core set! I am going to play so many netdecks! And make combo decks that probably won’t work well, because that’s also kind of fun.
Boyfriend and I are working our way through Mice and Mystics and I really like it, though the rules are sometimes unclear (and I am driving him crazy by going “whaaaaa, that dice did not roll that way let me try again” at least twice a game).
The only thing I don’t like is that since we’ve started M&M we haven’t played our old card game, Sentinels of the Multiverse, and I miss it…
Hi, Toastfolk! Long-time lurker, first-time commenter.
I finally signed up so I could say thank you to The Toast Dot Net and all its contributors and the best darn commentariat on these here interwebs. I read the site every weekday, all day, and it keeps me going at work, especially on the blah days.
Also, I’m seeing Hamilton next month, and I MAY DIE FROM EXCITEMENT HELP
When are you seeing Hamilton because me too on Feb. 16th and we can die TOGETHER!!!!
Aaaaah, that would have been the best! But alas, I’m seeing it the next week: February 24, the 2pm matinee. Dang it! I hope you die well!
My marriage is over, though the paperwork to make that official is just beginning. A terrifying amount of the hideous ex stories comments felt intimately familiar. I’ve been okay for the past week but now I feel like I’m coming undone at the seams.
…anyone else do tarot readings, here? Want to talk about that or favorite decks? I need a distraction that isn’t somehow linked to my failure to realize I was being systematically abused in ways I’d have recognized in anyone else’s relationship from age 18 ’til now (twenty-six). And Alchemy Arts basically rush-shipped my copy of the Lo Scarabeo Tarot to the friend’s house I’m staying at, and it’s pretty and among some of the few of the decks I own (ha, ha, let’s hope the others still EXIST, I had to leave my HOUSE and my THINGS and wow I am really spectacularly not okay, am I) where everything just… clicks, symbolism-and-meaning-wise. There’s a lot of random exposed boobs, though, and almost everyone is very very white, both of which I have issues with, but it is very pretty.
Prisma Visions is still MY FAVORITE, though.
You may not feel ok, but you will be ok. HUGS.
I do tarot! Have done for ages. I love symbolism and stories and whatnot. I grew up using the Ryder Waite (and illustrator Pamela Colman Smith) deck, but recently have been drawing my own deck. It’s such a fun immersive thing!
If you want some deck distractions, Beth at littleredtarot.com does reviews that I find really awesome.
I do tarot! I too love symbolism and the things it dredges up out of my subconscious. I have been waffling about which new deck to buy for ages, I need to suck it up and just order a couple.
TAROT. I am here for that conversation.
Recent fave deck is the Tarot del Fuego. It’s a Spanish by Fornier that’s going to be distributed in the US soon, and I love it. Some RWS vibes, some not. I’ve had to work much more intuitively with it. Super fiery & feelings-y deck – I started tearing up doing a reading for a friend because I was feeling it so much.
I also love the Frau Grand Duchess Tarot (learned about through little red tarot!).
…I’ll talk decks all day, so I’mma stop her for now.
Hugs to you.
Also, tarot!! I am just getting into it and I have the Wild Unknown deck – I gave a set to my friend and then fell in love with it, felt connected, and bought my own.
I’m getting better at interpreting, I think. And I am really enjoying texting my friend with ‘wtf does this say’ requests, because she is WONDERFUL and the best at interpreting.
My fave tarot deck ever is Shadowscapes, and you can see all the art here: http://www.shadowscapes.com/Tarot/cardsmain.php?s…
Friends, Romans, Toastyfolk, I want to talk to you today about passwords. Everybody hates passwords. Computer geeks hate passwords. Users hate passwords. Hackers love your passwords, because they are probably too easy for them to crack. I have spent the morning talking crypto with some colleagues, because 1Password just released an update that lets them generate and save passphrases (like “chairs eat chins on rice”) for passwords. This is good! This is good. Passphrases are much more portable than random 30 character strings (although slightly less secure than a random 30 character string, but still basically impervious). I have decided to make one of my missions for this year getting all of the people I know who need a password manager, onto a password manager. So please: download a password manager. There are many good ones. I use and swear by 1Password; it is an expensive initial outlay (~$60, with a license and the mobile app), but it works everywhere (extensions for every browser, compatible with Windows and Mac, mobile apps for iPhone and Android) and is supported by a good team (which is why it’s expensive).
There are a thousand places where security can be compromised on the internet, unfortunately. But your password doesn’t have to and shouldn’t be one of them. So get a password manager, and be happier and slightly safer. (Disclaimer: I do not work for any of these companies.)
*hearty second* I am cheap and use LastPass, but I have been very happy with it and a few months ago shelled out for the Premium service (a whole $12/year) so I could have it on my mobile devices. If you want to generate your own random phrase passwords, Diceware<a> is fun.
We use LastPass at work and it’s also a great system. I just want everyone to get on one, and then I want to never, ever run a pentest and see 1/4 of my users cracked via variations on their name and the word “password”.
I am also cheap and use KeyPass, but yep, having a password manager has been invaluable. (When we bought my last laptop, my partner insisted on me having a password manager. He gets some credit for that)
Winter TV thread? It seems like this is increasingly becoming the time of year all my favorite shows are coming back, instead of in the fall. What are you all looking forward to/currently bingeing?
Basically, I am dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying to have Agent Carter back on my TV, Tuesday can’t get here fast enough.
Also, The Americans is starting sometime soon I hope because I want more spy drama.
Agent Carter!! I don’t love superheroes, or even like Marvel movies, but I love Agent Carter!
I have nothing of substance to add, only: Agent Carter Agent Carter Agent Carter!!
Penny Dreadful season 2 finally arrived on something I have access to so we started that last night. The episode with Joan Clayton was a bit tough though, I hope the rest of the series doesn’t carry on down that road.
Looking forward to X-Files.
oh shit Penny Dreadful! thanks for reminding me!
Currently binge-watching Person of Interest on Netflix. About to start Season 4 and will be exceedingly grumpy when I finish it and there is no release date for Season 5. Also watching Galavant on regular TV, because it is fabulous.
Excited for Agent Carter to come back! Also The 100 Season 3 starts next week! I watched the first two seasons on Netflix, so it will be odd/probably difficult to watch it a week at a time.
I’m looking forward to the return of The Americans, too!
Over the holidays I started watching the new Muppets show and realized that Rogelio (from Jane the Virgin) is basically Miss Piggy.
I’ve been chugging through the entirety of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I’m on season seven (or six? one of the two), and hot damn is the writing good. I was worried that my fond opinion of the show was due to the fog of nostalgia – we’d watch it as a family every Friday when I was a kid – but no, this is genuinely a really good show.
I just started Jane the Virgin and it could not have happened at a better time. A good soapy show set in Miami filled with bright colors and hot people is just what I needed in January!
I’m so happy Galavant is back! Also I’ve been bingeing Leverage and it’s delightful, and I’m a little in love with all the attractive people on it.
Have also been watching The Clone Wars cartoon because I don’t have enough Star Wars in my life. Once I got past the animation style (I hate CGI in cartoons, it just doesn’t look as nice), the stories are really good and the character development is better than in the entire prequel trilogy. Anakin’s turn to the Dark Side is actually compelling, and it’s so strange to me that I really like a kid’s show better than the movies.
Even my conservative and not really nerdy Dad has been, “When is Agent Carter coming back? It’s been forever.”
I am currently bingeing Crazy Ex Girlfriend and The Last Kingdom. Crazy Ex Girlfriend is far better than the name implies and The Last Kingdom is gorgeous and interesting despite having a male anti-hero lead.
I’ve heard so many good things about Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I think I’m going to have to check it out.
UHTREDSONOFUHTRED! :waves sword aloft:
AGENT CARTER!!!! I am SO excited!!!
Have you watched “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries”? It’s gorgeous and lush and the lead is an older woman who is fully in charge of her sexuality, and who has beautiful relationships with the women around her as well–just lovely!
Downton 6 is online on PBS now, so I’m watching that. Then Agent Carter, Orphan Black. Outlander will be back eventually and I’m really excited for that.
While I’m cooking or in the studio I’m currently watching my way through the Office start to finish. It’s fun to go back to it.
There’s the last season of Poirot and I’ve watched everything but CURTAIN. I’m not quite ready. And 3 Foyle’s War episodes are up on Netflix now. Every night I go…am I ready? And then I’m not.
My beau is trying to get me to watch my way through Breaking Bad. I promised him I’d watch 1 whole season, but I think after that I’m fine with never seeing the whole thing. Like the Sopranos, I don’t have much patience for true crime-ish middle aged men who get themselves in deeper and deeper to being a bad person. I just…don’t care. I’m not invested. I know the arc- lots and lots of people will die and be ruined and eventually the damage will catch up. Eh. it’s no David Simon series. It’s no british ass kicking women like The Fall and Broadchurch and Happy Valley. Someone else was saying they just can’t get excited about “men only” movies in this day and age- like The revenant- no matter how “good” it is, it’s impossible to want to go see a bunch of dudes being dudely. That’s speaks to me. There’s finally enough TV where I can watch tons of women and POC doing stuff. I’m ok with dumping all “middle aged man ruins a good marriage with lies and crime and crisis” tv.
I just had to cancel plans (that I made last-minute two days ago) for this weekend because I forgot I had a psychiatrist appointment, which I technically could reschedule but really don’t want to because I’ve started getting mood-swingy again after several months of being stable on new meds. And I have disappointed my friend who I made plans with, which always makes me feel like a terrible person. And I cancelled an optometrist appointment this morning because I forgot about it until today and panicked. This week, y’all, this week.
Oh man, kudos to you for recognizing that you need to keep the psychiatrist appointment, though. Definitely the most important thing!
Aaaand just heard back from Friend who is not disappointed or mad and we are re-scheduling for next weekend. Whew. Also, yes, definitely time to talk to psychiatrist about brain weather.
Two days until I leave the country again. Very sad about leaving my niece, very excited/nerve-wracked about moving again.
Bitch Media just tweeted about the swoony Queer Muslim Project Tumblr … it is well worth your time.
That’s awesome.
My favorite local festival is happening this weekend! Every year on MLK weekend our JCC holds its Jewish Food Festival. It’s always a struggle for me not to get one of everything. My grandmothers were such good cooks (in totally different styles – one had Russian roots but lived in New York City and California most of her life and the other was Syrian but lived in Israel) and I can’t get anything close to what they made except for this one weekend.
There are also a ton of great music and art festivals throughout the year, but let’s be real. It’s all about the matzah balls.
Oh my god I would totally eat one of everything. That sounds amazing.
Any catalogers out there? My professor has told us that if we can complete the exercises in Manheimer’s Cataloging and Classification book we’ll be all set when she starts grading our assignments and I’m stumped. I think the problem is they aren’t using RDA format. I like RDA format.
Cataloguer here! I learned cataloguing just before RDA came out and the library I work at currently is hybrid RDA-LC so I can probably help you out. If you’d rather do this by email I am at kmjeuph at gmail.
Hi Toast, I have never commented here ever, but I have a problem that I can’t really bring up with anyone (because it is the kind that sounds more like an excuse to brag), and this seems like a nice supportive community sitting on relevant knowledge
So does anyone know how balls work and if they’re any actual fun in real life? I’ve been invited to an honest to goodness winter ball, at the House of Nobles (Stockholm), for young nobility (in this context meaning people under the age of 35). Part of me thinks it sounds delightful! But on the other hand it could also be awful and embarrassing! I have no clue.
What does dress code: smoking mean? How does etiquette work? What are you supposed to talk about? Should i know how heraldry works? They told me it wasn’t a ploy to arrange marriages between noble families, but they also replied to my “so I’ll lose my title if I marry?” with “of course not! because you’ll marry someone who’s a noble haha”
It’s also a social event where I don’t know anyone. And it costs money. And what if the people there are the worst?
Please help me
This question is DELIGHTFUL and though I don’t know answers to any of your questions, I think you should go. If nothing else, you can write it up here and talk about it endlessly at cocktail parties.
seconding this request!
Um yeah, you definitely have to go, as long as it’s not cost prohibitive, if only so we can live vicariously through you.
This is maybe the best advice-seeking comment we’ve ever had?? I am just a humble commoner but I think a dress code of smoking means that men would wear smoking jackets which are pretty fancy, so the women should match that?
Since you said you don’t know anyone, this sounds like a great opportunity to dress up and befriend the other people there who look a bit nervous!! Please go and tell us all about it!!!!
Okay, well, I thought smoking meant like, smoking hot. So. Definitely a commoner over here.
IF ONLY. I just wish they would write in the invitation what the equivalent of smoking is in dresses? Am I allowed to show my ankles?? shoulders?? why would they assume I know this
The only thing I know for sure is that you’re not allowed to bring a sword unless it’s a decorative part of your actual military uniform. Which admittedly is good to know.
I think you should look for an older copy of Miss Manner’s guide to excruciatingly correct behavior, she will definitely help you. I’m going to go find mine and write the next paragraph based on her advice. Page 594 advises against Americans curtsying to royals as we have no sovereigns.
Smoking would suggest to me the equivalent of Black Tie, aka no tails, no cravat, but matching coat and pants with a bow tie. In terms of dresses I think you are looking at something longer than knee length, probably a gown, no train, I’d advise that it have some kind of strap or sleeves. Not a thin strap either, I’d aim to get the majority of your shoulder covered up, because it’s rarely wrong to cover more of that area, but it can always be too much exposed. I’d probably go towards something like these: http://www.adriannapapell.com/dresses/boatneck-sl…
http://www.adriannapapell.com/dresses/high-low-ta…
http://www.adriannapapell.com/dresses/sequin-crop…
I don’t think it’s too risqué to show a bit of ankle or a bit of shoulder, but probably pick one or the other to feel comfy, go ball gown, but not too fluffy on the width.
Take your inspiration from anything Michelle Obama wears to state dinners, she’s always flawless. And lastly, I’d study up on my forks because you’ll probably have multiple courses at the dinner, which is why I’d recommend the miss manners book.
You are awesome.
Usually the rule with forks (and knives) is that you work your way from the outside in. So every time a plate is put down, just pick up whatever cutlery is furthest from it on each side. The servers should adjust as needed as you go through courses.
If you show your shoulders, you have to wear elbow length gloves. The more shoulder skin, the longer the gloves.
This Google result says that smoking is basically black tie. I think you’d get a better explanation by Googling for Swedish results, probably, because it seems like the sort of thing that would be slightly different in different places.
I’m joining team “go, unless it would really be too much money.” If the people there are the worst, you will have many entertaining stories to tell afterwards. And if you’ve avoided them until now, then if you go and you decide you want to go back to avoiding them in the future, I’m sure you can do that. It won’t remove your ability to avoid them. And they might be very nice! And then you would know some very nice people!
Here’s a page about “smoking” dress I found in Swedish! I tried running it through Google translate, but the result said things like “A tuxedo dress will not be as festive in its design as a tuxedo dress,” so that wasn’t very useful.
Oh my god, thank you so much! That’s very helpful, there are too many rules about this kind of thing!
So, I just need to find a dress that is not too long, or wide or glittery (aw, no Elsa-type dress then), in a colour that is sophisticated but not completely black/white, of a nicer fabric, which is noticeably different from a tuxedo-level gown. Jewelry optional. No gloves. No wearing a traditional smoking for men (what!). Bag size small. Yes, okay!
If you’re going dress shopping, you may also be able to get advice on what is and isn’t “smoking” from the salespeople. If they’re selling dresses that fit that description, there’s decent odds that they will know which dresses fit which category. No guarantees, of course.
You know, I’d guess it’s probably not too different across the royalty of Europe, because they were always swapping back and forth- sending german princesses to england and spanish to the netherlands, all the courtly customs probably have base rules that you could reasonably guess are similar to anything in the UK. If you were headed to a ball in Japan though, i’d say, definitely get to studying, as they wouldn’t have that many similarities to western formal events.
this is amazing. I have no advice that could possibly be relevant, but there must be some sort of ball etiquette book? I just googled “ball etiquette” and found this website: https://www.hofburgsilvesterball.com/english/etiq…
You have to go! You can talk about anything, I’m sure they don’t sit around and chat about their lineage all night, they’re people too (or maybe they do who knows, either way, you’ll end up with a great story)
Go! Unless it’s super expensive.
I don’t know a single thing about balls or Stockholm nobility, but ignorance has never stopped me from giving advice: Wear the fanciest thing you own. Take other people’s cues for etiquette but don’t stress about it. The event itself will give you plenty to talk about. There will probably not be a heraldry quiz. If anyone challenges you on your imperfect etiquette or knowledge of heraldry (there is a zero percent chance this will happen), cite your high-minded democratic values as the reason you haven’t focused on such trivia.
It might be a ploy to arrange marriages, but that doesn’t commit you to marrying anyone. But get a better answer on that title question before marrying anyone.
“So does anyone know how balls work and if they’re any actual fun in real life?” Wow, I thought this question was going to end in a different place than it started.
You and me both.
To which the answers are “not really and not especially,” right?
I’m glad I’m not alone here in the gutter
We are legion. Just a silent legion.
While there’s no guarantee they’ll be ok people, the height of etiquette is making other people comfortable. There’s a million stories about Queen Liz II either saying nothing when a faux pas is committed in front of her or going along with it to make the other person feel ok. Ok, you might not be invited to the next thing if you do something ridiculous (like eat with your hands tied behind your back, face in the soup bowl), but if you do something small you should be fine. 🙂
I say go! I had the chance to go to a ball in Vienna, waltzing and all, and it was a fun experience… All the women there were wearing gowns, but I’m not familiar with “smoking” attire so maybe it’s different.
But I know what you mean. I feel mildly embarrassed bringing up the ball in conversation– like I have to immediately downplay it.
So, this is basically a total shot in the dark, but here is a link to a blog that I love dearly for it’s extensive global world tiara coverage, but they also have lots and lots of photos of various events involving mainly European nobility, and it’s possible there might be a post that would be helpful or that it’s the sort of place that might have more useful answers to your questions than the “oh, that kind of balls” thoughts that I was having before I got to the end of your question: http://orderofsplendor.blogspot.com/ (but seriously, I know so much more about tiaras now. And have opinions. Yep).
Edited to add- Found in the comments on some random post the following:
The Bureau Protocol of the Netherlands Defence Department has the following guidelines:
CASUAL
No specific requirements
INFORMAL
Military: neat daily tenue
Gentlemen: blazer, combination with tie
Ladies: ‘dressed’
TENUE DE VILLE
Military: neat daily tenue with gloves
Gentlemen: two-pieced suit in subdued colour with tie
Ladies: ‘dressed’
JACQUET
Military: grand tenue / ceremonial tenue with Orders
Gentlemen: jacquet
Ladies: deux-pièces with hat / long dress with hat and Orders
CRAVATE NOIRE
Military: evening tenue demi-gala
Gentlemen: smoking, eventually with cummerbund
Ladies: long evening dress, jewels optional
CRAVATE BLANC
Military: evening tenue grand gala with Orders
Gentlemen: ‘rok’ (black tails, white tie), Orders optional
Ladies: long evening dress, jewels optional, Orders optional
Good news on the optional jewels, I guess?
Ah, seeing all of the French in these descriptions, “smoking” makes more sense because it’s the word for “tuxedo” in French!
I have been to two balls at my Oxford college, which may not be representative of balls everywhere (because they are planned by/primarily for students), but here is my experience anyway. It was not my favourite thing in the world, mainly because it involved a lot of noise and people and standing around in high heels, and also because the first one was in one of the coldest Novembers for decades (the ball was primarily outside) and I was incredibily cold. However, at both balls, there was quite a bit of stuff to do: one had an ice rink (because who doesn’t want to go ice skating while wearing white tie and after drinking alcohol?) and the other had dodgem cars (which were excellent). Other activities/entertainments on offer: fireworks, fairground-style games, a snake charming performance, chocolate fountains, whisky tasting, various musical options, etc. The balls I have been to have been more about wandering around between various entertainment options than just being in one place and dancing all night; this is possibly not universal.
This is such a great question and I hope you are going. Young Swedish nobles are delightful people,they are the opposite of the worst,although I’m sure there will be some Dutch nobles there just to represent for the worst…. Smoking is,as noted above, black tie. If you have the invitation in Swedish you can probably google image some society page photos from the past years of this event – you almost certainly want floor length but that will give you a sense of whether cocktail length is à la mode.
In fact not knowing which one this is, just searching for bal på riddarhuset brings up plenty of visual aids. Ignore the ones wildly outside your age group.
Hi guys! I accidentally put my husband’s passport through the washer and dryer last weekend, while severely jetlagged. It (and the expensive multi-year, multi-entry visa) within it are RUINED. He has been a doll about it. Tell me about things you have destroyed through extreme sleepiness!
Ooh! I once broke the coffee pot because in my sleepiness I tried to put it in the microwave, rather than the coffee maker AND didn’t even get it successfully into the microwave, as it broke into the side and disintegrated.
And just yesterday I basically catapulted a coffee mug across the room by pressing too hard on the aeropress. Other neat coffee making tricks involve putting in whole beans, forgetting filters, etc. etc. but those are just usual.
One needs coffee to make coffee, that’s the problem.
I had filled up the coffee carafe with hot water so as to keep my coffee hotter longer, then I poured that out and made coffee. Meanwhile, I filled up my mug with hot water too. As I staggered back into the kitchen to pour coffee, I was reading a long anguished text from my friend dealing with work drama, and all my brain could hold in it was “pour hot stuff out” and……I somehow poured out the carafe of hot coffee instead of the large mug of hot water. Eeeeeesh.
Oh yes, so very true! The first time I tried to make coffee by myself was when a cousin and I got up super early on Christmas morning and thought if we made coffee everyone else would get up and we could open presents. The electric coffee pot looked exactly like the stove top coffee pot. We went back into the living room, and talked about the noises the coffee made as it “percolated.” Then we smelled the smoke, and luckily my grandfather was sleeping in his recliner, so he woke up and swore very loudly, and we went back into the kitchen to see flames leaping up towards the ceiling as the plastic bottom of the pot burned… festively? But everyone did wake up!
I’m a big fan of the “put water into coffee maker, turn it on, wonder why your coffee is clear” technique of pre-coffee coffee making, myself.
I go for the “boil the water, put the tea leaves in the pot, forget to add boiled water to teapot” technique.
Totally bragging here, but I am super-skilled at putting the ground coffee into anything at all that is not the French press. Including the trash can.
“One needs coffee to make coffee, that’s the problem.”
I’m going to paint this in large scrawling letters on an over sized canvas and hang it in my kitchen.
Or maybe just directly onto the wall?? Hmmm…
I poured my cereal into the bowl. I poured milk on my cereal. I opened the drawer to get a spoon, picked up my bowl of milk and cereal, and poured it on the silverware. Fortunately I didn’t actually ruin anything (just had to wash all the dishes) but it’s still the most inexplicable thing I’ve done while sleep-deprived
I used to have this squeeze water bottle that I kept next to my bed in case I got thirsty in the middle of the night. It was one of those sports ones that you just hold above your mouth to drink, right? Anyway, I lost the bottle at some point, and started to put a glass of water on my nightstand instead. The first 2 or 3 nights I woke up, reached for the glass, and just plain dumped it onto my own face out of muscle memory.
I store glasses in my kitchen upside down (if they’re upright, dust and things can get in). In college, my tired roommate went to our kitchen cabinet, grabbed a glass, and poured the brita pitcher on to the bottom of an upside glass. He blamed me.
Climbing into my lofted bed in my dorm room in the dark, too tired to clean up so I just scooped up all the junk that was on my bed and threw it on the floor. Including my laptop. Ooops.
I once tried to make tea with a glass kettle that I had forgotten to put any water into. Then once it was good and hot, I realized that there was no water, panicked, and ran it under the cold tap immediately. It shattered, obvs. I was like 12.
Not a sleepiness issue, but a laundry issue: I don’t have laundry in my building, so whenever I’m staying somewhere that does have laundry in-unit, I get a little hyper about it and do laundry all the time. When I was in Toronto for work, I ran my entire wallet through the washer TWICE. In the same two-week trip. Fortunately nothing was ruined because my wallet is rubber, credit cards and Canadian money are plastic, and coffee shop punch-cards are replaceable, but still – I apparently cannot be trusted not to just throw everything in the machine.
I got home late once when I was about 16 and was very tired, and also remembered I had promised to do the laundry and had forgotten earlier. So I started a load of laundry at like 3am and forgot to check any pockets. Apparently I had bought a lot of starburst candy (chewy fruit candy that has a gum-like consistency), shoved it in a pocket, and forgot. I remembered when I took the clothes out of the dryer and they were covered in stretchy, gooey junk. Got in massive trouble!
I dropped an electric kettle full of hot water on my foot, and then the floor! This was very painful and meant I needed to buy a new kettle.
Soooo…I spent a semester of college studying abroad in Israel, went with then-friend-now-husband to the ATM so he could get traveling cash before leaving the country that night. He tried to insert his card, and the machine wouldn’t take it, so I helpfully reached over and shoved it in for him.
Turns out that not only do ATMs not work on high holidays in Israel, neither does anyone in the bank, or any of its branches in that country. I gave him the last of my shekels so he could pay for his baggage fee.
One miserable Monday morning last semester I was sleepily making my cup of coffee. Sitting in the fridge was a carton of almond milk and another half-empty carton of chicken broth of identical proportions. Guess which one I poured into my mug?
Not one of my better moments.
I drank half a glass of cooking oil the same way once: the bottle was roughly the same size and shape as the juice bottle, and I was tired and not paying attention. I thought the juice tasted awfully bland…
I just want to say that for all of us who shared stories of our horrible exes (and I have many less funny and more pathetic ones to share, but only shared the ones I thought would amuse people), IT IS OKAY. We are always growing more self-aware. Let’s all give our younger selves a break if we haven’t already.
I just got a message that one of my fanfiction-internet-friends sent me cookies, due to be delivered today. I cannot explain how full of wonder I am that such a strange course of events has occurred. I mean. A few months ago, I thought it might be fun to write some crap slash and post it online, and then [life is a rich tapestry], and now cookies.
I received an email from my mom last night. Subject line: “Ill.”
“Dear Allana,
“Just got back from the doctor. I’m dying of viral conjunctivitis. Love you so much. Mom.”
Is there a “peak Mom” equivalent to Peak Dad?
Got a text from my mom last night, a full 12 hours after I heard about Alan Rickman:
“Just heard on the news that Severus Snape died 🙁 Hope you’re doing okay”
Toasties! As of last week, I have successfully moved to THE WEST COAST. And now after 10 days it’s 60F and sunny and my East Coast brain is going absolutely insane.
First off, thanks to everyone who gave advice a few weeks ago on moving two cats across the continent on a plane. After some VERY sad meowing in the car, we made it through security okay (after happily accepting the offer of a private screening). After that point, on the flight, they pretty much went into quiet shutdown napping mode (except for some sad sounds as we landed). Seven hours later, we arrived at our new sublet, and were happy to see that the pee pads were mostly dry, save for some fear sweat (aww), and no Poop Tornado had resulted. Success!!
Now I am ensconced in my new Data Science training program, with tons of other really cool enthusiastic ex-academics. I’m working really goddamn hard and it’s super stressful and I LOVE it and I’m happy and engaged again. We’re currently developing portfolio projects. This has been me for the past week:
(I have heard the word ‘pivot’ non-ironically at least fifty times this week.)
Data science is awesome! My roommate does data science for a trading company here in Chicago and it’s fascinating, even if I don’t understand 50-75% of any work-related conversation he has.
Welcome to the West Coast! We’re happy to have you here!!!
Yay! welcome to the fun word of Data Science. I moved from academia to finance (in Chicago also, Hi to Protocoach’s friend) then to DS. Its been the most fun I have had. Always new projects to dig into, making up ways to solve problems, always learning new things. You will love it.
So life updates: For some unknown reason my throat has felt swollen, but not sore or hurting, and I’ve felt pressure behind my ears and my jaw has been aching. I’ve never really had any of these problems, but since I am beginning to teach again on Tuesday, I decided to freak out about it a bit. My most concerning issue was my jaw pain–was it a teeth problem? Jaw clenching in my sleep? Psychosomatic? Who the hell knows. My throat glands feeling swollen was weird too, so I started taking allergy meds. Anyway, I had a weird experience Sunday night. I have anxiety and depression etc. And usually when I’m anxious it feels very guttural and nauseous, butttttt…. Sunday I drank coffee. Which I never really do. I drink soda occasionally and like Starbucks, but Sunday I had actual coffee from a coffee pot. And. I. Went. Insane. Like seriously Toasties, it felt like I had taken an upper like speed. And then I started feeling very hot, very jittery, then panicking, then my chest began to hurt and my throat felt like it was closing and I thought I was going to die. I’ve /never/ had that happen before. Never. I don’t know what to make of it. Eventually I got the panic to subside, but it was not a good night over all.
I then went to the doctor on Tuesday and she told me my jaw and throat issues are probably part allergies and part anxiety. I then cried a lot about my mental health issues and lack of birth control as I had ran out, but had too much anxiety the past few months to submit to an exam. She offered me free condoms and birth control without an exam if I came in next week. So after one doctor’s appointment, I got signed up for two more. One next Tuesday for birth control, and one next Thursday with a psychologist so I can be formally diagnosed.
It’s been a long and eventful week. My face hurts a lot less though. Tomorrow I’m taking a trip to Lawrence, Kansas. I start teaching next Tuesday. It’s going to be a hell of a week.
Anyway if anybody has crazy coffee experiences, please share, or if there are certain questions I might want to ask the psychologist that I might not think of, share those too, or if you have any knowledge of Kansas, that’s cool. Thanks for listening to my vent!
I’m so sorry you experienced that. You have beautifully described what my panic attacks feel like. Out of the blue weird body symptoms and certainty that I am dying. Not fun. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and perhaps your body is underlining that state? Breathe deeply, which I always stop doing when I’m stressed and it makes everything worse. Internet hug is yours if it will help.
Things that I learned during my first surgery since I had my tonsils out when I was 8:
1. “You won’t even remember the operating room, don’t worry, we’ll give you stuff” ha ha that is a funny joke stop poking me in the throat what even are you doing.
2. They make these gowns that are like vacuum cleaner bags that they attach hoses to that blow warm air on you which isn’t as nice as it sounds.
3. Do it in a surgery center and not in a proper hospital because it took FOREVER to get discharged, whereas when my spouse had shoulder surgery they practically kicked us out.
4. Side sleeping and abdominal surgery are not friends.
5. I have only one good vein in my entire body from which to draw blood or into which to put an IV. If you did those in the wrong order we need to start all over.
6. My throat, urethra, and belly button can all be sore together at one time and that sucks.
So aside from that stuff, there was incomprehensibly no endometriosis found. Then why all the horrible bleeding, pain, barfing, etc. during periods? My concern right now is adenomyosis and possible hysterectomy, but my doc told my spouse there may also be some kind of chemical temporary menopause thing they can do that could help? Does that sound familiar to anyone?
UGH bodies I’m still sore and starting to get bored with sitting around and taking brief strengthening walks.
I have adeno and it sucks. I’m terrified of the surgery (well, of the recovery).
One thing you might try is going to a neurologist, because while it can’t stop the pain, what happens to me is that I have the horrible cramping and pain that builds up. But what also happens, and I didn’t know this until I started charting, is that the day after my progesterone drop, I get a hormonal migraine. So what ends up is I spend the first two or three days of my period with tunnel vision, horrible cramps, horrible headache, and throwing up. I’ve been taking progesterone cream (that doctors will tell you doesn’t work, but does for me) every night, and I double it or take it twice a day for the last half of my cycle. It calms things somewhat, in that the headache is less intense and the nausea only lasts most of a day.
I haven’t wanted to try the lupron/menopause induction thing, because I have enough problems with hormones and depression I’m not going to go there. But yes, it is a pretty common thing. But so is taking the “no periods ever” pill, which I managed to deal with for a year and a half before it drove me crazy, and it seemed less drastic to me. I have no magic solution, but I hope you recover quickly and find some answers.
My bestie gave me a book called Uprooted by Naomi Novik for Christmas and I just started reading it last night and it’s so good! I am going to have such an awesome long weekend!
That book was excellent! I love Agnieszka so much.
The only problem with that book is that it ends and there isn’t another one to pick up (or check out from library) immediately afterward.
Enjoy! I loved Uprooted and kind of wish I could read it again for the first time. 🙂
I fell so hard in love with that book, it reminded me of reading Diana Wynne Jones as a kid. So delightful.
Yesss. What a gorgeous, captivating book!
Mental Health Question: I need advice, will post question in reply.
So I’ve been coming to terms with my mental health (or lack thereof) over the past few years. Basically, I’ve tried to cope with my depression and anxiety with the support of my husband and a few trusted friends.
But it’s getting worse, guys, and I think it’s time to seek Therapy and/or meds. My insurance offers mental health coverage and I saw a counselor there for a few months a few years ago, but she was NOT a good fit and I stopped seeing her because our visits were actually stressing me out and she seemed to think that depression was the same as just being really sad some of the time. I’m worried that if I go back through my ins. I’ll get the same dismissive treatment again. I worry that if I pay for a Therapist out-of-pocket and it doesn’t work, then I’ll be too tired to try again. I worry if I start taking meds, I’ll have a bad reaction and/or they won’t work. I worry, I worry, I worry.
So my question for you is, Toasties, how do you look for a Therapist and/or what was it like when you first started taking anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds?
Ahh, I related to this. I also tried therapy for my anxiety a few months ago, and it was just not a good experience. I hated the way she talked to me, like I was fragile! It just made me feel worse. Just this morning I made the decision to try again, but I have no clue how to go about it either. Everyone I know of who loves their therapist says they just kept trying until something clicked.
I haven’t tried meds, so I can’t speak to that–but I really really hope you do try again with therapy (because I do believe in it a lot, even if it hasn’t worked for me yet), AND hopefully the therapy will knock out a lot of the stuff that you’re hoping meds will help with! Hoping for the both of us!
<3
Thanks. Yeah, I rage-quit my former therapist because of her attitude toward my PTSD and other traumas. Like, she literally told me that an episode of abuse “didn’t count” because me and my abuser were both teenagers. And her way of dealing with my depression was telling me to read “The Secret.”
So UGH to bad therapists.
Gross! Way to shame your client :(.
She sounds awful, BUT she’s given you a hint to find a therapist you’ll like: attitude to PTSD/trauma. You can check on what a counselor’s approach is like – read up on them online, send a few questions by email, or ask by phone – before shelling out for them. And if you get an insurance ref, go in to the first session like you’re interviewing them for a job – establish the therapist’s grounding before getting vulnerable in front of them.
Being dismissed is awful, but if you have the capability to work out why it was so horrible, know it wasn’t anything to do with you, and can articulate all this, you can find someone who will work well with you.
Finding a good therapist is a trial. Have you used the Therapist Finder at psychologytoday.com? That’s where I found mine; you can narrow the selection down by specialty, insurance accepted, therapy style, and other factors. (I should make the disclaimer that I’ve only ever had a PPO, so I don’t know about the process of getting referrals from PCPs etc).
Do you want to see a psychiatrist (for med management) AND a counselor, or one person for both things? My personal experience has been that a lot of psychiatrists don’t have the best counseling/people skills, so I see a prescribing psychiatrist once every few months for med stuff, and a therapist weekly.
I had so much trouble finding a good psychiatrist who accepted insurance (they tended either not to be taking new patients or not to spend any time listening to me, hustling me out the door etc) that I eventually found a doctor with a private practice who doesn’t accept insurance, so I have to pay out of pocket and it’s ludicrously expensive but at least she listens to me.
Keep a daily log of how you’re feeling on a scale from 1-10, with some notes on your mood throughout the day. It can be hard to see the change in ourselves from within, and an external record can be a good way to see if therapy and medication are working.
If you take an SSRI, be aware that they take a few weeks to have an effect (though my side effects started right away).
Thanks for the tips. I have an HMO, so if I use my insurance, I’m stuck with whichever mental health counselor has an opening. But I’m finally fortunate enough to pay out of pocket now, which is why I’ve considered not putting it off any longer.
I found my most recent therapist on yelp, because I find everything else on yelp and I figured I’d be able to decode the reviews on there better than through the insurance website. She was MARVELOUS and I highly recommend getting a therapist that’s expensive as fuck if your insurance will cover it. Before this current job I didn’t have mental health coverage and mostly saw terrible therapists, so I feel you.
I also started on meds recently, and they are fantastic. I didn’t start until my anxiety went through the roof when I was pregnant, so I don’t know if it would have helped when I was only a little anxious.
Re: reactions, it’s always possible, but there are SSRIs that have been out there for decades and studied intensely, and the FDA is positive that the benefits outweigh the risks for most people. In the very first week of taking Zoloft I was nauseous a few times, but that was it. Other people I know have had similar, very mild side effects.
I’ve mostly just done meds because of insurance costs and stuff. The meds have been GREAT for me. I know everyone is different, but don’t let fear stop you from trying them (if your doctor advises). They make me feel normal, which is very good. I think my doctor (just regular doctor) tried me on a couple of different ones and different doses until setting on the right one. I think it took a few weeks before I noticed a positive change. The only side effects I had were a bit of dizziness and maybe a racing heart, which stopped as soon as I was switched to a new medicine.
My GP handles my brain meds too and it’s been fine, so I don’t think it’s necessary to have a separate psychiatrist, especially if insurance and cost are an issue. I did ask her about anxiety meds after talking to my therapist about it though.
My first therapist was…..fine. We did all the CBT stuff about anxiety, which was what I needed in the shorter term, but trying to talk to her about things around being queer or an atheist was terrible. I asked a good queer lady friend of mine for a rec and my spouse and I have been seeing this wonderful woman for a couple months now and are finally digging through some of that other stuff. I would say see if you can find recommendations from people with similar values and politics to you, because you don’t want to go in and say “I work for the Catholic Church and I’m a queer atheist” and have her not understand why that is soul crushing.
Did anyone else see Modern Love this week about “The End of Small Talk”? http://nyti.ms/1JMThU7
This guy sounds like the Actual Worst:
“I decided to approach my re-entry to dating with a no-small-talk policy…One of the common questions I find myself asking a woman on a first date is where she has traveled. The response can quickly become a list of places, and once again we’re in résumé territory. So instead I’d ask, “What place most inspired you and why?”
Rather than ask about her job, I would ask, “What work are you passionate about?”
I wouldn’t ask about her longest relationship, as if length equals depth. Instead, I’d ask, “What’s the most in love you’ve ever felt?”
Line up, ladies…
Oh, for the love of…. so, basically, he’s holding all his future dates hostage to a standard set by a literal manic pixie dream girl he met in Costa Rica. Nice.
Gross.
Line up to kick him in the shins? K.
Cause yeah, I know that’s what I’m looking for in a first date: the sense that I am interviewing for a job.
Ugh. I mean, I also don’t care for small talk, but these questions are not good questions! Just ask me what my favorite movie is, or something.
Yeah, he’s still asking the same thing, just disguised to be as pretentious as possible. And honestly, small talk exists for a reason. That reason is “because you don’t want to tell someone you’ve just met about the ‘most in love you’ve ever been and why'” also why is he asking that on first dates?! I hate him.
Or you could just converse like a normal human being about whatever comes up?? Jesus. This guy’s getting a faked family emergency and a vague but polite dismissal of his followup texts.
Ew what would you even do if some douchenozzle you just met said, “What’s the most in love you’ve ever felt?”
“My most recent ex. Oh no, I’m still in love with him! Okay, gotta go.”
“My right hand.”
The other day I was singing the praises of small talk, partly as a reaction to this essay*, because it’s a tough skill to master for many of us, but it’s such a useful one, and the older you get the more it can pay off for you. Being able to ‘do’ small talk takes practice but it sustains acquaintance until the deeper riches of friendships emerge.
*I know diagnosing people over the internet is hella tacky but HOO BOY have I had fun in my judgey ol’ head with this one.
Whoah totally up for talkin bout THAT weirdness.
Wow, that essay is so interesting. And sad, for me as a single woman whose intense bestest girlfriends have mostly gotten married and stopped caring so much about friendships. I definitely found myself identifying with the writer. How was your judgey ol’ head diagnosing her? Also, at the part where she was talking to her therapist I REALLY perked up, thinking “Oh, yes, tell me what she says! It will be like a free therapy session for me!”
Ugh I saw this! I would cringe so hard if someone asked me questions like that on a first date. To me it’s invasive and presumptuous to just jump into “what’s the most in love you’ve ever felt?” There is a space between “soul-crushing small talk” and deep dives into your past loves, for christ’s sake.
I had a first date ask “what do you do with your creative energy?” then dismiss everything I said as being “not really creative”. There was no second date, although I hooked up with a friend of his a few weeks later who I met while I was on that date. I hope that every person that Modern Love guy dates ends up banging one of his friends instead, too.
Ha! I was just ranting about this over on the LR where someone asked about red flags. Dismissal of small talk = you do not appreciate emotional work = buh. bye.
I was just thinking this. It seems like he’s asking for a lot of emotional intimacy early on, without really comprehending why a person (particularly a lady) might not wan to perform a psychological strip tease for him.
omg. i just had a guy ask me “if you could have a conversation with anyone in the history of the world, who would it be?”
I get what he’s trying to do but that was the first question after “hey”. Granted, I’m much happier he asked me that online, rather than on a first date where I’m kind of obligated to answer.
Hamiltoasties –
Today, as we were leaving the house, my 9-year-old asked, “can we listen to Hamilton in the car on the way to school?”
I think my work here is done.
A+ parenting, congrats. Remember this moment so that you can come back to visit it during the difficult teen years (which really have not arrived yet with my 15 year old and started at age 10 with my 13 year old).
I tried asking this on Twitter, but no one answered. My critics’ group has nominated “Mr. Robot” as the best TV drama and since I’d rather die than vote for any of the other nominees, does anyone have recommendations for particularly good episodes?
The first episode is a very good episode of Mr. Robot and a very good first episode of a TV show!
the first episode is awesome! my favorite of the series was definitely episode 4, daemons. it features a particularly wonderful use of perfume genius’ song “queen” and some excellently shot dream sequences.
Thanks I watched the first episode and was able to vote for the show (and Rami Malek) with a clear conscience.
Toasties! Need Atlanta suggestions. Going to be there for about 24 hours with my cousin. What should we do? We really like pretentious drinks made by suits. Super great if these suits have degrees in mixology, herbology or any other Hogwarts area of study.
If that is the sort of thing you are into, then I’d suggest Leon’s in Decatur, and Kimball House (also in Decatur). Also SOS (next to Victory), which is supposed to be a good mixology-y tiki bar, and Brickstore (a very well-regarded beer bar). Those are all within walking distance of each other. In general, I recommend Decatur.
If you’re looking for the grown ‘n sexy variant of the same, you want the Westside/West Midtown. Westside has a Bladerunner themed bar, if that is of interest.
In terms of dive bars (my scene): The Euclid Avenue Yacht Club, The Local, The Clairmont (an Atlanta institution).
Dad’s Garage is great improv and has a lovely new building, and that building is next to Church (the bar), which is worth a stop-in because of the truly bonkers folk art on its walls.
High Museum for art, Carlos museum for mummies.
Your DeKalb Farmers Market if you like giant overwhelming fun grocery stores. Walk the Beltline, make a pit stop at Ladybird (also fancy drinks), enjoy the Beltline art.
Someone online the other day told me my poetry sucked, and I found I had no fucks to give. Maturity has some advantages, after all.
I recently started going to a cognitive behavioral therapist (who also specializes in mindfulness) for my ADHD and social anxiety and it is going SO WELL. I’ve only been to three sessions and I’ve already made some progress – I had a major breakthrough after my last session.
I’ve heard really promising things about CBT, so I’m hopeful. Still, retraining my brain to think in new ways is really freaking hard, and my anxiety is so intrinsic to me that I worry that I won’t ever be able to truly change. Has anyone here gone through CBT? What were your results? Any practices you found helpful?
That’s great that it’s going well for you! Well done for going.
I’ve had CBT a few times and always found it helpful, although the last time I had it I had a really brilliant therapist so I felt like that time was the most useful. I’ve had CBT before where they’ve basically been like “choose the anxiety workbook or the depression workbook, and we’ll go through it in order, and that’s it”. And she didn’t do that, which was great.
The thing I’ve found the most helpful has been behavioral activation (specifically, trying to get myself to do a fun thing regularly, so I remember the world does actually contain fun). I think that’s helped my depression a lot.
The other thing I’ve found most useful is structured exposure therapy (for social anxiety). It takes such a long time to make any progress (I have to repeat each step about 8 – 25 times depending on what it is before I can move onto the next scary thing up the list), but it’s been worth it.
Thanks!! I think that we’re going to start talking about exposure therapy next. It sounds terrifying but I’m glad to hear it’s worth it!
I did about six months of CBT for anxiety and depression. It was hard, tiring and EFFECTIVE.
Been medication free for 2.5 years, including winters, which is a really long stretch for me.
Congratulations on being medication free so long – that’s awesome.
Hiiiiiiiii
TAXES!
I know plenty of you fine organisms are freelancers/independent contractors. So am I! What should I do about my taxes this year?
Normally I love doing my taxes, but normally I have a single W2 to deal with and get all my money back on account of my low-ass tax bracket. I started permalancing (uggggghhhhhhhhhh) a year ago and am making an unprecedented amount of money and I’m scared of fucking it up and I’m leaning toward hiring a professional. What do?
in my experience, it’s almost less about actually doing the taxes and more about preparing for them. when you say permalancing, is it one place where you invoice and they don’t save taxes for you, but 1099 instead? if you’re in one place, i’d probably tend to deduct less and pay quarterly taxes, but if you’re off site or working for multiple people, i’d say go heavy on deductions.
if you can stomach it, you’ll want to be tracking and invoicing with something like quickbooks, that can classify transactions by deduction type. if not, hire someone and gather all your bank & credit card statements and receipts.
i got some good resources for what was deductible in my field and started orienting my spending that way. currently i put everything into quickbooks and work with a CPA who prepares a work-packet for me. i run reports with the numbers i need and fill out the packet. my CPA would give me quarterly tax forms with estimated amounts, which I’d pay in preparation for filing the next year.
you don’t need a CPA, it’s just recommended if you want someone who can help you in an audit. i make all my income via 1099 and didn’t want to figure it all out, so i do the bookkeeping and let the CPA strategize the numbers.
My mom’s an accountant, so I cheat (I mean, not on my taxes. Just in the sense that I have an easier than is fair solution). Do you know other freelancers in the area you can ask for accountant recommendations from? I think when you freelance it’s definitely worth the cost to get some help cause they can make sure you deduct things you might not think to and save you money.
It’s too late for this year, but if you’re not already setting aside a third of your income each month for taxes, start now! That way when the tax bill comes you should have plenty socked away to cover it.
Oh nooooo, I’m going to have to do this too for the first time this year, and I’m scared and broke! I’m making an unprecedented lack of money in permalancing. (Ew, that sounds like lancing a boil.)
Toast, may I please gush about the paintings I’ve completed recently and/or intend to finish today? I’m really happy with them. Well, 3 out of the 4. The other makes me a little grumpy. But that’s okay, I think it’s supposed to.
Gushing in the comments!
This is the most recent one that I’ve finished: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CYYEJPSWcAAOPXT.jpg I’m just so happy with it! I got these new mixed-media paints that have all kinds of cool effects and oh my gooooood they’re so expensive but so much FUN! This entire painting was basically an excuse for me to screw around with the translucent pigments–they’re so slicky and shiny they look like stained glass, and you can in fact use them ON glass, and I just LOVE THEM. Like, I am just besotted. I just want to pet them. And I do, once they’re dry.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CYNtmTGUsAAbsyW.jpg
AHHHHH this one. I had some real moodswings while doing this one. Like, it was a recycled canvas (meaning I’d started painting something and then decided I hated it). So covering it with black–love! Splattering the blue–love it! Mixing in the green–hate it! Adding the fancy paint that has this really funky honeycomb texture–love it! Doing the first black lines across it–hate it! Finishing the black lines–love it! End result: looooooove.
This is my current work-in-progress: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CYe0Hc4W8AAVA0t.jpg https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CYe0IE1WMAA_VFc.jpg
Inspiration: the score to the 2002 remake of Dr. Zhivago, the score to the Pride and Prejudice version with Keira Knightley, and old love letters.
That second one is beautiful! And the work-in-progress is looking fantastic, too.
I’ve just started painting (acrylic and watercolor) – can you talk a little about your process? I keep looking at panting books and finding Instructions On How To Paint Realistic Woodland Scenes, which is not doing it for me at all.
Thank you! 😀 The work-in-progress is all swooshy and swoony and romantic and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy whenever I look at it.
What kind of paintings are you trying to do? Do you just want to PAINT in general? Are you looking for some general techniques for painting itself, or are you looking for some thoughts on getting into the zone, or…? I love painting so much, I can talk about this all day.
I am honestly not sure. I picked it up when I suddenly found I couldn’t write, and I was sitting around feeling unhappy about that when I realized I wanted to PAINT. (I’ve had this image in my head for a very long time that is actually making me want to ask my landlord how they feel about me painting murals on the walls.) So I drove out to Dick Blick and dropped $100 on supplies and have been noodling around and enjoying myself ever since. I switched to watercolor when I couldn’t get the acrylics to behave, but I still like the texture of acrylics sometimes, I just feel like I’m doing something wrong. And I am always fascinated to hear just how you go about doing the painting thing and coming out with things that you enjoy.
Awesome! I especially love the colors in the first one–I want to WEAR IT on my body! I need to try to get myself to paint. my brain can be a bummer and make me not want to do anything, especially when I’m down :|. But I get similar happy pride feelings when I finally do it!
Making stuff is hard to do, but seeing other people make things is motivating, so thanks for that!
Wanting to wear something I’ve created is a lovely compliment, so thank you! 😀
I understand the brain being a bummer. Maybe you need to paint that feeling. I find that painting the ugly feelings can actually help me get them out of my system. It forces me to talk to them.
YO(ga with) ADRIENE! Is any one still yoga camping? I’ve had a shitty week and only managed to do 3 of 7 and the only thing that made me do those 3 was not wanting to come to open thread and tell you all I did zero. Next week will be better!
Tomorrow will be better!
I’m not doing yoga camp, as I’m still working my way through 30 days of yoga, which i started in December (gotta get a jump on those new year’s resolutions). But I should be through it this Sunday (if I stick to the schedule), and I may start yoga camp from the beginning then. I might also just go back to the beginning of 3 days of yoga and see if I can do it in 30 days instead of 40, though.
Haven’t managed to start yet, am trying to get myself together to do it. Tomorrow maybe.
I’m in a similar boat, but I’m gonna finish yoga camp even if it takes me three months! One of my big goals this year is to be easier on myself, and reminding myself if, say, I need to step away for a couple days that’s ok and doesn’t mean I failed or anything.
I have done every one so far but I am not so sure I’ll make it tonight. (The email said it was hard!) But so far I’ve done it every day through, like you said, hating the thought of having to get up tomorrow and say I didn’t do my Yoga Camp, so here I am.
My hips are really appreciating the daily yoga, but the wrists, not so much. Any suggestions?
I have modified table pose by making a fist instead of flat palms. And my partner has these handle like things he uses. Sometimes I also brace with fingetips.
I started 30 days of yoga 4 days ago and have completed 4/4 days (although day 1 didn’t really count, did it?).
Thank you to all Toasties who talked about it here!
Two days late because of a business trip, but you should hang in there for sure! I definitely half-assed the days I was doing in a hotel room, but I felt vindicated when I powered through that 40 minute one (what) on day 15.
It’s been so long since I could make it to an open thread! And I’m still a bit late; damn this Fridays-at-noon meeting. I’m trying to think what is happening in life. My cat figured out how to open cabinets and now nothing is safe from this tiny soft terrorist who only wants to Destroy. If I use rubber bands to hold them closed, he will eat the rubber bands.
I forget if I asked this here before, but I am officiating at the wedding of two good friends this spring! They met through me, which is why they want me to officiate. I’m flattered and honored and very nervous. I don’t honestly know what to say that won’t sound cliche. Any advice? This is complicated by the fact that they got together after we graduated from college and scattered around the country, so I’ve spent very little face time with the two of them as a couple.
My advice:
– Communicate heavily with the couple
– Crib from extant wedding traditions when and where possible
– Do a walk-through
– It’s ok to laugh (make sure they know that)
– Get a fancy-looking book, put the script in it. It’s fine to read from a card.
– Recruit assistants from the wedding party to steer people around and get whatever you need gotten
– Have a script for the whole wedding, and print a few spare copies
Baby safety latches! They make all different kinds for different kinds of cabinet doors/drawers. I don’t have babies, but I have cats and even though it takes me an extra 2 seconds to get out my plates/pots/cookie sheets, at least they don’t have a fine layer of cat dander and hair on them anymore!
I officiated my brother’s wedding a few years ago, and I second all of protocoach’s advice. I will also say don’t be afraid to more or less copy really good bits that you find in other scripts, with personal touches added. It took a long time for my academic self to get over this, but then I remembered that traditional wedding ceremonies are all exactly the same for a reason, so there’s no reason that my non-traditional ceremony can’t be a mash-up of a bunch of really cool stuff I found on the internet. Also, if possible, talk to each member of the couple separately and ask them things like “What did you think when you first met ____?” This should give you some good stories and themes to integrate into the ceremony.
My husband and I wrote our own ceremony and gave it to our officiant (a close friend), and most of our friends who have gotten married have also written their own ceremonies, so I don’t think you have to worry too much about what to say!
That said, definitely communicate a lot with the couple. They may want your input, but since they know this is your first time they’re likely planning to write it all themselves and hand you a script.
I’m super late for the open thread, but i don’t care: There was a signal problem on the train at 8 a.m., so I waited to go into work a little later (left at 9:45), so the delays would pass. NOPE. My 30-ish minute commute took TWO HOURS and I had to take a cab because my train ran on a different line through Manhattan AND I was 45 minutes late to interview this sweet girl who was just waiting in the lobby of my office. UGHHHHHH. I ended up taking her out to lunch to make up for being so late, but now I missed the gym so I’ll have to go after work or something…Such a rotten out of whack day.
Any Toastie teeth-grinders? I need to investigate new options because I recently discovered that I have ground through my second night guard in less than a year. But the only alternatives seem to be muscle relaxants, which are tricky to time for only while you sleep, or therapy to relieve stress and I don’t think I am particularly stressed, or if I am it’s been consistent for the past 10 years or so.
Cut out caffeine?
I grind my teeth, and it’s definitely a stress-thing for me, so much so that I actually wear the guard all the time unless I’m eating. Things got really bad a few years back, and my dentist had me cut out all caffeine, because it’s just one more thing that makes your muscles tense up. And I know it sucks, and I’ve only really managed to cut back and I’m hitting a point where I probably ought to cut back again.
If it is a stress thing, breathing exercises might help. They’re sort of on-again off-again for me, but it’s the other thing I’ve seen recommended the most.
I started using Grind No More guards last year after biting through yet another molar and giving up on dentists to have good advice. They are small, inexpensive, and “good for three days” (or many months if you simply wash and dry them daily). I’ve found them to be a huge help and only very sporadically uncomfortable to use, whereas I tried a full-size guard and couldn’t close my mouth at all, blargh.
Seconded, Grind No More stopped my grinding and somehow convinced me to unclench my jaw in sleep. But they are lightweight and I am not sure if they will cut it for someone who bites through their night guards?
Fair point, though I think their being so light helps reduce the pressure of the biting a bit. And of course they’re cheap and plentiful, so if one last for even FOUR days you’re coming out ahead.
Follow teeth grinder reporting! I use a nightguard made by the dentist, but have also been looking at other options because while the guard stops me from wearing down my teeth, it does little to stop me from waking up with a sore jaw.
One option I have been looking at is Botox. Apparently they inject it into your masseter muscles, and this weakens them enough that it reduces grinding. It sounds scary (to me anyway!) but is apparently quite well studied/low risk.
If you are chewing through the night guards made by dentists, wow, I’ll ask my SIL what to do, she just had major jaw surgery (7 hours of it) to clear up awful jaw pain and issues that were brought on by horrible orthodontia in her teens. I don’t know what kind of team of doctors she saw, but she did SO much research, she’s sure to know something helpful.
If you haven’t been getting the ones from the dentist, I highly recommend spending the few hundred bucks on one. You can ask them to reinforce it due to your chewing through them. My dog ate one once, and I sat on one once, but this last one has lasted for years.
If I don’t wear it, my neck hurts, my teeth hurt, and I get reverberating pain in my sinuses for the next few days.
As far as teeth grinding itself goes, it’s not always stress. Sometimes it’s just what you do. My mom told me for years I did it, even as a kid. I wish we’d treated it then because I wouldn’t have grown up thinking neck/tooth pain was normal. When I had my second kid, he got teeth SUPER early. Like, at 2 months (yes, ouch). At 4 months he had one upper and one lower tooth. And he ground them together so hard I could hear it. Some people just do, so don’t feel bad if stress reduction doesn’t have the effect people think it should.
I already don’t consume caffeine. And yeah, I had a hard plastic dentist one first and it cracked, so it was replaced with a soft (silicone? idk) dentist one that now has holes in the molars.
I went to an RMT for a sore back once and she said she also did jaw massage stuff, but it seemed too weird at the time, but now I’ll ask the dentist about that too.
Thanks, y’all!
Find an RMT that specializes in ear-throat-jaw work. It hurts so much, but it helped me grind less.
Kid anxiety is hard. Coaching run up and finalizing practice schedules and game schedules is hard. Digging my house and finances out of holiday chaos will be hard. And last night i discovered that nobody had told me, but
I AM STARTING MY PHD PROGRAM TUESDAY!!!
So, no pressure or anything….
(Total muppet flail)
Congrats! What are you getting your PhD in?
Geography/GIS big data/remote sensing/maybe keep some archaeology in there?
So exciting!!!
Congratulations!!
OH MY GOD you would think they would have…. Yanno. Mentioned it. Once or twice. To someone.
Yay you!
Highfive!
Hello everyone! I am feeling much more optimistic about life now that a couple of work projects are off my plate. There are more to come but for now things are pretty good.
Yesterday I took my dog in for a second opinion on his lumps. The new vet seconded the surgery recommendation but I felt a lot more comfortable with her (and Thor seemed more comfortable as well). She did some preliminary tests that the other vet skipped that showed that the lumps are probably benign and explained a lot more of her reasons behind the recommendations. The first vet had more of an “I’m the doctor, I don’t explain myself” attitude. Still waiting on the write-up and estimate but unless it is a lot more that the first one I’m pretty sure we are going with vet number two. And after follow-up appointments for ear stuff next week I think we are switching practices for general stuff, too.
News from Sweden, with a MAJOR trigger warning for violence:
A 22 year old man dates a 16yo (age of consent is 15) for a few weeks. Her mother doesn’t like it, so he books a hotel room and proceeds to get her drunk as fuck in the hotel bar (drinking age is 18). Then they have kinky sex, he chokes her and she loses consciousness. He LEAVES, without checking on her, and calls his friends. When they get to the hotel, they call an ambulance. Well, she died. And what did he get?
One. Year. And. Four. Months.
Not for murder, not for manslaughter. For accidentally causing a death.
World’s most feminist country.
Does it get more appalling? Yes it does!
1. He admits that he consciously avoided looking at her. Did not check her pulse because he “panicked”. He just pulled the covers over her, got dressed and left. And did not call an ambulance.
2. He shows no remorse. At all. Like, he explicitly says that it’s her own responsibility, because it was her idea to try choke sex (according to him).
3. The court is choosing to be nice to him, because he lost his job and that’s punishment enough apparently.
4. With parole, he could be out in less than a year. I’m not usually a hawk, but he should have been tried for rape and murder, and he deserves to be punished like a murderer.
5. This isn’t the first time a very, very young girl gets treated brutally and the man gets off because she was kinky. There was even a case (but at least the victim was an adult I think) where the woman said no and the man was acquitted because he said that he ASSUMED she was role-playing submissiveness (despite no previous discussions) because she said no in what he felt were very sexy groans.
But tell me again how it’s all them thar immigrants and refugees what grope and rape our helpless women while the PC liberals do nothing, please do
Dude should have been charged with rape, too. What an asshole.
SO. MUCH. RAAAGE. and flashbacks to having intense arguments in my late teens and early 20s with multiple men who absolutely demanded to choke me during sex and often tried before asking. I am feeling very Ban Men right now.
I’m like… He got a sixteen year old incredibly drunk (her blood alcohol level was very high), had sex with her, strangled her and shows literally no remorse. He really did say in court, several times, that it was her own fault for drinking what he gave her and for wanting to try choke sex (which… do we only have his word for that? Because maybe we shouldn’t trust everything he says?). And he gets 16 MONTHS, not years, of prison.
How. How is that not serial killer level of murder.
Torches, pitchforks, and guillotines. It is the only way we will cleanse this world.
Speaking of dreams and wishes and renewal, my husband’s last full-time day at work is today, because Tuesday he will be going back to school to become a nurse. He is in his mid-thirties and decided he didn’t want to spend the rest of his working life in a job he hates, and I am so proud of him for going for it.
Congratulations and best wishes to you and your husband. i went back to school for nursing when I was older than your husband. I found it was easier to study as a grown up, and enjoyed learning a lot more as an adult. I studied part-time, because of the cost and needing daycare, but I never regretted it. Best of luck to both of you.
Guys, I’m having a crazy week. I had an twisted ovary and holy shit do those hurt. They did laproscopic surgery to fix it and now I’m laying around waiting for my guts to heal. Tell me your twisted ovary stories! Does it really take 4 weeks to heal??
oh my god!! I had the same thing happen to me when I was 17 and I’ve never met anyone who also had it!! Did they take it out? I was at my job at party city when it totally died, drove myself home, laid in bed because my mom was hosting bunco and didn’t want to drive me to the hospital, my dad finally came home, first offered me vicodin (he had a terminal illness, not just poppin them) and when I was like NO I DO NOT WANT VICODIN I WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL he finally drove me, had a panic attack on the way there, I was admitted around 7pm and was just vomiting and in the worst pain in my entire life and they refused to give me any strong painkillers (thanks guys! so nice!) so I suffered till about 3am when the doctor was like “we’re like… 80% sure whats wrong. But we’re gonna go ahead and operate anyway.”
I was zoinked out on pain pills for about 4-5 days but after that I was pretty okay, went back to school and went back to work relatively quickly, although that was a mistake and my boss made me go home since I couldn’t stand for a long period of time. I would say about 1-2 weeks I was back to being fully functioning. The thing that sucks the most is laughing hurts a lot and you might get shoulder pain from the gas from the surgery going up into your shoulder. I also highly recommend taking stool softners with your pain medication, a family friend was a nurse and gave them to me and I was so embarrassed I just ignored her. Do not ignore that advice. I very much regretted it.
Oh my god I’m so sorry they made you wait for pain killers. I was offered painkillers right away but refused at first cuz the pain was kind of coming and going at that point. Then shortly after I told my bf to go home and sleep it intensified and I went for it.
I am definitely taking the stool softeners advice, my insides have been through a lot. I don’t wanna deal with any more problems!
I went to a singles event last night and it was not terrible and I did not die of awkwardness! Feeling very proud of myself. It was this one: https://www.facebook.com/thenotcreepygathering and it was, as described, not creepy, and actually kind of fun? Not sure if anything will come of it date-wise, but it was really good practice at conversation and talking to people I don’t know (this is a major challenge for me!). And it was a positive, inclusive, we’re-all-in-this-together kind of atmosphere. I think she does them up and down the West Coast, if anyone else is interested.
Congratulations, you are so awesome for going!
Hellooo fellow late OT Toasties!
Any suggestions on improving a shitty attitude?
I’ve been struggling with my depression lately, but usually when my mood is low I’m able to put my head down and Do What Needs To Get Done and not really bother anyone.
However, this week I’ve also had a really shitty, teenager-y attitude problem. I can’t stand talking to anyone or being around other people, I’m treating my husband and my coworkers like shit, and I just can’t deal with any kind of bullshit or lame jokes or small talk.
I remember being a teenager and being told that I needed an attitude adjustment, but…what is that? How can i get one? I don’t need/want to be Little Miss Sunshine, but I also think the world would prefer if I would stop sulking and staring daggers into everyone who walks near my office. UGH BRAINS ARE THE WORST.
I have also been having Do Not Want brain this week, and I’ve been indulging it by binge-watching true crime on Netflix and eating heroic quantities of popcorn. (I need to get more adventurous with my seasonings.) And this morning I woke up and I the Do Not Want was gone. *shrug* Sometimes it’s just weather, you’ve gotta wait it out.
I get this like woah. This advice is going to sound totally TED talk, but gratitude lists really help me shake it off. Think of 5 things you’re happy to have around/have happened/etc.
My therapist has me doing a daily journal every night before I go to bed where I have to list “something I’m grateful for today”, “3 great things that happened today,” and “something that made me relaxed today,” and I’ve noticed a positive shift in my attitude since I’ve started doing it. It makes me remember even small, insignificant things that made me happy and brightens my mood overall.
I don’t want to be that person who thinks exercise fixes everything (I am sooo not that person) but I think burning a little angry energy might help. Whether that’s a boxing class (or a tae-bo dvd if you’re old and broke like me), or putting on some angry music and jumping and yelling, or emphatically hand-kneading bread dough or whatever. Get it out.
I find it helpful to think about an experience that humbled me and remind myself of how that felt. Another trick is to stop what I am doing and tell myself to soften.
Catholic Toasties (please exist), can I get an opinion?
I’m a Catholic revert, and find amazing comfort and support and strength in my faith. But, also, I am bisexual, and after breaking it off with my extremely nice but milquetoast fiance, single. I want to at least be open to the possibility of dating women again; but is it a) completely hypocritical and ridiculous to be trying really hard to be a good Catholic while also aiming to have premarital sex with women, and b) completely unreasonable to expect to find any woman who wants to date a practising member of this huge anti-gay institution? Also, c) am I being a bad bisexual person by supporting the Catholic church?
Please be sensible at me, Toasties, I need help.
Well, I guess I’m a queer Catholic too, so I wish I had a lot really useful answers to give, but all I have is:
a) No, I don’t think it’s hypocritical and ridiculous. That’s something that I personally felt like God wasn’t going to micromanage for a whole lotta reasons, but, y’know, that’s just my read on things. (My pastor growing up had a very “As long as you’re being the kind of good person that Jesus wanted us to be, the rest is details” attitude a lot of the time, though. Then again, I might be the only person I’ve ever met who had their pastor say “Jesus loves gay people!” during a homily, so I guess I’m fortunate there.)
b) If she doesn’t want to date you because of that, then I feel like she’s probably not the lady for you.
c) Oh God, I hope not. And I really don’t think so, but then again, I’m probably biased in that regard because I’d prefer not to think I’m terrible either 🙂
Anyway, I wish you all of the luck in the world, and I think you’re gonna be absolutely fine.
(Also, I’m gonna be totally honest, I’m still avidly Catholic from a personal identity standpoint/my relationship with my faith, but I’m not very good at actually getting to church on the regular. So if there’s such a thing as being a lapsed Catholic while also being a practicing Catholic simultaneously, I’m that thing.)
my first thought is: God is big enough for you, and your faith, and your love.
I don’t know about the official Catholic church as I am not a member, but I know plenty of lovely lesbian ladies who are religious, so I don’t think its impossible to be both. Challenging sure, and the Catholic church has a few more problems that I’m aware of. However, if it’s valuable to you– isn’t the saying “beyond rubies”?– then put your feet firmly on it. Your faith, at least, if not the church itself (these are separate things to me but maybe that’s not a Catholic idea).
Is there such thing as a liberal Catholic church? or is that called Episcopalian. 🙂
Have you considered taking a break from dating and going to daily mass for awhile? That could be grounding. Or how about visiting a convent retreat-type place that can give you a quiet place to reflect and pray the hours and browse the theological library etc.
Not much to say except that I know quite a few openly gay people who are also devout Catholics. The Church is very, very big and I suspect there are as many ways to be a Catholic as there are members.
2/3 of my high school best friends are bi Catholics and their thinking is a) God wants you to be happy and b) if God didn’t want you to be a happy bi lady he wouldn’t have made you that way. This is probably unhelpful coming from a straight person, but they are both secure and happy in both their faith and sexuality, so I would venture that it is possible! It might not always be simple, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility.
i’m gonna pull out the big guns on this one: I have edited 4 books by the pope, ghosted a book by a prominent american cardinal, edited nuns, and a number of other Catholic things.
When the first Francis book came in, before we knew anything about him, I edited a translation of a book he’d written in Argentina. On gay rights, he writes: “If God, in creation, ran the risk of making us free, who am I to get involved? We condemn spiritual harassment that takes place when a minister imposes directives, conduct, and demands in such a way that it takes away the freedom of the person.” I turned to my boss and asked, “UHHH IS THE NEW POPE A UNITARIAN???”
the church has rules. they indeed change over time. if the church is the body of christ, it includes you. so, living your truth among the MANY queer catholics affects what it means to be catholic. at a glacial pace, the leadership will follow. also, always look to christ’s companions for inspiration if you start to feel ostracized. also, i highly recommend getting involved with the LCWR. you’ll meet some of the most amazing women. and they can give you a lot of strength in your faith and in your sexuality, and how there is harmony there.
Also, the beauty of being catholic is that there’s no such thing as a good catholic. we’re all bad catholics. the best catholics are bad catholics (just read bios of the saints…)
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
This answer made me cry, thank you so much.
Also, if you don’t know her, you should probably read/meet if you have the opportunity/reach out to Jamie Manson. She’s an AMAZING queer Catholic woman with a degree from Yale Divinity school, is a big proponent of women’s ordination, hilarious writer, and all around lovely human being. She’s written a lot about what it means to be gay and Catholic & I’m sure she has more resources than I could imagine. http://www.jamiemanson.com/bio/ Her column is called “Grace on the Margins.”
Is anyone else sick? I have a sinus infection that was misdiagnosed as the flu by campus health* and it is miserable! I’m trying to figure out how to make myself feel less crappy (aside from taking the medicine and resting and stuff).
*The doctor was more focused on my anxiety, which is i guess great, but i was telling her ”I had to ask my roommate to drive me here since I was almost too weak to walk and very feverish did you not see the nurse give me that aspirin to get the fever down” and she was just ignoring all of that! All I got was a referral to a therapist and a laundry list of OTC meds to buy, which led to my dad dragging me to a mini er last night (I had to go home, I was feeling that bad) where they told me that I had never had the flu and that I had a 103 degree fever. Maybe I should file a complaint?
YES. They need to know that whoever diagnosed you failed, badly.
Remember when some lovely person organized a Toast Post when we’d all mail each other postcards and letters? Can we do that again? I got some really rad stationery at tj maxx and would like to send it!
Tangentially! Did anyone mail me a wacky homemade Christmas card? It arrived while I was out of town, in an envelope with with my name and address typed out and several uncancelled stamps. Inside was a piece of construction paper covered in glitter and some puppy stickers. Was it one of you!?
I would be totally down for that- I’ve been collecting random postcards since we did the last round! I’m pretty swamped right now but I could be persuaded to organize a Toast Post maybe mid-February if no one volunteers before then.
I’ll happily organize a Toast Post 2.0! I’m thinking I can have a new spreadsheet/info ready by the end of the month so check the open thread(s)!
I would be super-duper excited to jump in on a future round of this–I plan to use postcards as my primary form of decoration & toastcards would be even better.
I would love to participate but can’t remotely offer to organize because I’m a mess. (But I have good stationary and postcards.)
Hello that was me!! And i loved organizing it and wanted to do another but then life happened. I think I can do another one this spring?? Yes you know what LET’S DO THIS. Stayed tuned for a google spreadsheet in a future Friday Open Thread(s)!
Yay! Let me know if I can help at all, I know it must be lots of work!
I will! I may require some help emailing everyone their matches – are you on twitter? Follow me at @ToastiePost and I’ll stay in touch!
I’m not on twitter but you can gmail me at cheeky.cl (and I can chime in with my address again when you actually kick it off so you don’t have to keep track of it)
Yay! Sign me up!
That sounds like fun! I’m in (but cannot help organize, sorry)
I am in there like swimear. If you will accept internationals, as I am Not In The States,
We do!!
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiick.
Hello postal friends, please follow @ToastiePost on twitter for all your Toast Post needs (and answer some surveys about the last Toast Post while you’re there, please?)
For anyone following the Flint water crisis, the Washington Post posted graphics this morning that help visualize just how bad the water really is: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/…
I am in the market for advice on dealing with an over-sharing friend, and a somewhat toxic dynamic. It’s going to turn into a rant, so will throw it in replies. Spoiler alert: I need a spine.
Madame X is a friend via a friend (one I’m very close to), and over the last couple of years we went from hanging out in groups to her inviting me out for coffee/drinks. At one point, I asked her for some career/training advice and we went out for a lunch – I remember it well, as we discussed my training issue for 10 minutes and her love life for the rest of the time. The next time we hung out 1:1 she chatted about her sex life with her two partners (she’s poly and into the local Fet Life scene). She knows that I’m queer, like her, and kink-literate enough to know about the various fetish subcultural stuff she’s into, and that first time I laughed along and listened, genuinely happy for her to have found people into what she’s into, with that slight vicarious thrill of hearing about someone else’s naughty business. Since then, I’ve become the go-to person for Long Discussions About Her Sex Life. Except they’re not really discussions – I feel very much like I’m being talked *at*, not talked with, and not just about the sex stuff but in most of our conversations. There’s also stuff like her showing me pictures of her partners in the nuddy – fairly tasteful shots, but nothing I need to see! She sent me one, once, and I just pretended that my phone couldn’t open the file (yes I am conflict-avoidant, how could you tell?)
Mea culpa: I totally let this dynamic be created between us. Now, I know I’m going to see her shortly in a group activity and I’m not looking forward to the bit where she grabs me aside for an update. What I need is a script to try and close that down. I’m aware that there’s no magic words that guarantee there’s no hurt feelings, but I also need to be pro-active.
There’s additional stuff – as I said, I feel like she’s talking at me, I don’t feel like she’s interested in me as a person except as an audience; and yet she’s really thirsty to hang out with me more and forwards on invites to stuff she thinks I’d enjoy (not fetish stuff, but also nothing I’d really like – she seems to think I’m a video game even though I’ve told her I’m not).
And no, not seeing her ever again isn’t an option. Also, she’s got many fine qualities – I don’t think we’re bosum buddies material but I also don’t think she’s a bad or toxic person.
I am rubbish at this kind of stuff so I always send people over to Captain Awkward. There is a ton of great advice (even in the comments!) about setting boundaries and tweaking friendships so it might be helpful to poke around a bit. I did a quick search for “oversharing friend” and came up with this which seems at least partially applicable: http://captainawkward.com/2015/01/26/654-am-i-sex…
Of course, CA, land of a thousand useful scripts! Thanks, the one you linked to has some handy tips (as well as lols), cheers.
DWIL, the land of a thousand spiky spines, would suggest you set a boundary and then immediately change the subject.
“Let’s not talk about that right now. Have you tried this bean dip?”
but you can soften that to something like
“Let’s talk about this over coffee sometime soon – right now I really want to focus on activity.”
That DWIL note is a very good strategy, and I think the right one in this case. Thank you!
I would probably practice my shuttered face. You know, the one where you tell people that you’re into a thing, and they ask about it, and then you start talking and their eyes kind of glaze over and they start looking over your shoulder, and then they see someone that they _desperately_ need to talk to? At least for parties. For the rest of it? Just “grow apart” – you’re already not accepting her invites, so it probably won’t take long.
Also. It is totally acceptable for you to straight up say that she is making you uncomfortable, and that you would rather talk about something else. If she doesn’t, just… walk on.
You know , I have a great Shuttered Face, but I only bring it out for work, thanks. And
“Also. It is totally acceptable for you to straight up say that she is making you uncomfortable, and that you would rather talk about something else. If she doesn’t, just… walk on.”
Yeah, I needed this reminder. Thank you.
I am actively working on mine, which is rubbish.
Walking on is easier said that done! *waves pom-poms*
Toast, while I was looking for old love letters for my current painting I just found this WaPo piece about WWII letters and I am unexpectedly crushed by them. Someone come be very sentimental and overly emotional with me. https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/70-years-lat…
Ahhhh!
By the way, reading them reminded me of the Connie Willis Oxford Time Travel books set in WWII, ‘Blackout’ and ‘All Clear.’ I wish we could time travel to change history just enough to reunite those two lovers.
Well that was devastating. Those are beautiful, and worth treasuring. Thanks for sharing.
I feel like my hair is Mallory-level out of control today and I know y’all will find this claim spurious but you’ll just have to take my word for it.
The Toast seems like a good place to ask this: has anyone else done The School of Life (or other) bibliotherapy? My parents got me session with them for Christmas and I’m not sure what to expect from it. What did you talk about? What kind of books did you end up having recommended, and what did you think of them after you read them? Any tips for getting the most out of this?
Attended a sesh with them at a festival once, plus I worked as a bookseller for a million years so have done a lot of impromptu bibliotherapy – I think my only advice would be to trust your gut when you read something, don’t feel that you have to like it because it’s ‘good for you’, and if you dislike it, suss out why. And be totally honest about what you have read – it’s very easy to fake knowledge of a book, but you might as well as be open about canonical texts you’ve never read.
Anybody still around for that 1980s-2000s homeschool experiences thread that we discussed earlier in the week?
My folks started me in the Calvert program but switched to A Beka Academy correspondence courses for my second grade year, where we stayed until my youngest brother graduated. They were early adopters of the A Beka video lectures — mine were all on VHS. So much big hair. Such large glasses. So many deep Southern accents. Green chalkboards! Unlike the textbooks, which could outlast nearly any small accidents my childish neglect caused, those tapes were always a bit dodgy. I became an expert in VHS repair very quickly and still sometimes miss being able to diagnose by sound most technical problems with watching a movie at home.
A beka academy wasn’t too bad, but the Saxon math books were the bane of my existence. We used Bob Jones vhs classes for history.
Did anyone else use the “Beautiful Girlhood” book? Or the weird Christian Charm School books?
Oh gosh, my mom read the Beautiful Girlhood book to me when I was around age 11. I was crushed by the negative description of girls who want to do their hair in ‘new and daring styles’ to attract the attention of boys. Because I was trying to do my hair in some scandalous styles such as French braids, as opposed to my traditional half-up.
Other fun times included Raising Maidens of Virtue, Before You Meet Prince Charming, the Return of the Daughters dvd, I kissed dating goodbye, and other gems of the Christian Patriarchy movement. And also *twitch* Elsie Dinsmore.
Beautiful Girlhood was about 10 years out of date style wise when I read it, and I was like “Why do I want my grandma’s hair?”
My sister read a lot of Elsie Dinsmore. I was older and already nerding Lord of the Rings.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye was the WORST. It is just so messed up and based on fear. Literally fucked up my brain a lot in ways I’m still processing.
Also Before You Meet Prince Charming was so terribly girlie I was like “Yeah, no,” because I was going through my aggressively tom boy phase and I was like “I DON’T NEED A PRINCE.” It took 20 years, but now I’m taking sword fighting lessons. BECAUSE I DON’T NEED A STINKIN’ PRINCE.
I missed the earlier-in-the-week discussion! Could you point me in the right direction? I’d love to see it. I wasn’t homeschooled but went to a Baptist school (also with textbooks from A Beka, Bob Jones and Saxon.)
I just have to post this somewhere.
“People are putting balls of herbs into their vaginas to ‘detox’ their wombs”
http://metro.co.uk/2016/01/14/people-are-putting-…
If you look at the Embrace Pangea website, you can see customer photos that are way way TMI. Can you imagine taking a picture of your tampon and sending it to the company to share on their website? Or maybe a picture of your tampon as it’s coming out? Never mind the fact that people are buying homemade herb balls on Etsy (probably made by some random stranger sitting on a cat-covered sofa, which is where I make my Etsy stuff) and putting them inside a very sensitive part of their bodies.
D-:
Had to pick up my jaw from the floor.
I knooow! Eugh!!!
ahhhhhhh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I feel like this is one instance in which a traditional classical education would be really useful. The ancient greeks did this, called them pessaries, and claimed that they “lured the womb back into the right spot” (because hysteria = wandering womb, they actually thought wombs wandered around the body, anatomy, you are a wonderful science) or “forced the womb back into the correct spot”, depending if the herbs and spices were aromatic or… more like dung wrapped in tar. But then science happened! And ppl were like “THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA, WE SHOULD STOP DOING THIS”. And then they stopped, at least in the Western medical tradition (does anyone know about this in other cultures? Because I am suddenly VERY INTERESTED). Until Etsy.
I never realized that’s what pessaries were, but I know there are lots of old traditional herbal treatments that really do work. A friend sent me a link to a modern science study about a Chinese plant that really does do some great things for the uterus, so I’m guessing it was a thing in Chinese medicine too? (I’ve also heard of women putting little crucifixes up their vagina to work as a contraceptive, so I shouldn’t be surprised that people from time immemorial have put things in there to do stuff. I’ve also heard of the wandering womb being calmed by having bellows push smoke up the vagina, aaagh. But I feel like I’ve also heard of pushing smoke up the anus to revive drowning victims. Oh, historic medicine, you goofy thing.)
Really I don’t have a problem with herbal medicine, more a problem of 1) homemade cloth bags of mystery and 2) the need to “detox” everything and 3) the spiritual and emotional emphasis on an organ. Oh and 4) taking photos of the muck that comes out, whyyyyy?
Ever since Regretsy showed a post for homemade cookies where you could see a visible hair on top, I’ve been a bit grossed out by The Unknown Homemade for bodily consumption.
Pessary, if I understand correctly, basically means “medicine thingy you shove into your uterus” (as opposed to suppository, which is up your bum. O, languages. So interesting!), and I am pretty sure that medicine (oriental or occidental) still uses them for some things, because sometimes that’s the way to cure things. But, like, a DIY pessary? I… I’m probably ok?Because I probably don’t need to detox my womb, I have TWO WHOLE ORGANS dedicated to detoxing my body, they are doing an ok job.
As to number 4… I had not clicked on that link and now I am both horrified and TERRIBLY INTERESTED. I think the horror may win out, tho. I still may not click on that link.
O, regretsy. The only thing I regret is that that website shut down.
You….should not be able to get things into your uterus without medical tools and implements. You can put things in your vagina, or smear them on your labia (e.g. for yeast infections or BV), but you probably should not be using mystery Etsy herbs for this.
Aha. Yes.
Perhaps also I regret my extremely vague understanding of the human body. It is up there with geography for “things that I should know about that don’t that regularly embarrass me that i have no intention to fix” 😉
Scarleteen is my go-to for this kind of stuff, even as a grownup 🙂
(I like your TERRIBLY INTERESTEDness. That describes me too, which is why I clicked on the links. Do it!)
I can’t. I clicked on one article that included an OB/GYN being like “this is not good, your vagina should not have this kind of discharge please don’t do this THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU INSIDES”.
My mom is a nurse. I have a good imagination. I do NOT need to click on that link 😉
I know this thread is a bit old, but does anyone have any advice on panic attacks? My entire family is camping or unable to take a call at the moment and y’all seem nice. I’m coming down from one right now that lasted more than an hour. It was, and is, torture.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing panic attacks. I never have, so I have no advice. But I do get treatment for anxiety and my doc said to report panic attacks immediately, should I ever get any. He said they can be treated and implied some patients can be cured.
If you have a counselor, call for an appointment. If you don’t have one yet, call your regular doc’s office manager for a few phone numbers.
Meanwhile, ::Toasthugs:: You deserve to feel better, to live without dreading the next panic attack.
100% here for this, what do you want to know? I’ve had them my entire life and have mostly gotten them under control in the past couple years. If you want to chat outside this thread, feel free to message me rhosymedra at gmail dot com
EDIT: my reply is way late, but the offer stands indefinitely. Seriously you don’t need to do this alone if you don’t want to.
NOBODY IS GOING TO SEE THIS. But I’ve started a facebook group called “PDX Toasties,” for any Portland, Oregon, Toast fans. I literally just created it two minutes ago.