Any woman who has made more money than her father for a two-month period or longer, is a witch.

Any woman who has seen at least one full season of Gilmore Girls, is a witch.

Any woman who owns a wristwatch or is taller than a man, is a witch.

Any woman who was born during a storm or has laid eyes on Erykah Badu, is a witch.

Strangely enough, Kate Bush is not a witch.

Any woman who has ever worked in retail and told someone in a dressing room that they are “Kelly if you need me,” then chuckled dully and tonelessly when the customer changing therein said, “And who are you if I don’t need you?” is a witch.

Any woman who has ever owned the Cucumber Melon body spray from Bath & Body Works, even if it was only a Christmas gift when she was thirteen and she hardly ever used it, is a witch.

Any woman who suspects that another woman may be a witch, is a witch.

Any woman who loses her wedding ring immediately becomes a witch, even if she finds it again.

Any woman who has ever paid for her own movie ticket or eaten a meal alone in a restaurant, is a witch.

Any woman who has ever said, “You know what? Let’s just leave the dishes for the morning,” as if she were suggesting something naughty and delicious, is a witch.

Any woman who has talked about the work/life balance, even in passing, even on Facebook, is a witch.

Any woman whose library fines exceed thirteen dollars (or their international equivalent), is a witch.

Any woman who has been inside of a cave for longer than an hour, is a witch.

Any woman who has ever taken food she knew did not belong to her in a communal fridge, then lied about it, is a witch.

Any woman who owns more than four candles or has spent at least one (1) sleepless night consumed by jealousy, is a witch.

Any woman who has struck a deer with her car or called into work sick when she was not, in fact, sick, is a witch.

Every woman in Maine and Colorado is a witch.

Any woman who has ever flown on a plane while menstruating, is a witch.

Any woman who has ever thought she could be a really good artist if it weren’t for the fact that she has a lot of trouble drawing hands, is a witch.