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“The best literary magazine ever produced in our basement!”: Parent of the editor and author of My Birth Certificate and Other Happy Accidents.
Greetings from the editors of The New Quandary! We’re so happy you’re here. Many people have asked us whatThe New Quandary is, to which we reply: “Mom, The New Quandary is how to use our education in the ‘real world’” or, “Dad, The New Quandary is how to sell a literary magazine in an age when no one buys literature or magazines” or, “Dr. Rosenthal, this prescription isn’t working.”
Let’s lay this out plainly. So much of what we read today is just idiotic, disposable content. Here at The New Quandary we eschew idiocy. We chew up idiocy. We chew up idiots and use their pulp to make the paper on which we will print the words you may choose to subscribe to. Have you considered subscribing? We are a locus of intellect. We give your intellect a vigorous, rigorous workout. We are an intellectual powerhouse that puts your intellect on a Power Plate and submits it to barely-perceptible pulses of provocation. We take your intellect out for a rigorous jog around Central Park and than have vigorous sex with it in a Brooklyn loft. We rigorously vigorously…
Enjoying this slice of vigorous rigorous intellectual journalism? Subscribe now to read the rest!
Subscribers will receive special offers and exclusive gifts from our partners and supporters. These might include family outings, brief patronizing smiles, or one free drink ticket to our liquor cabinet. We hope you like peach brandy, because that’s all we’ve got left.
In addition to the 10-year non-refundable “Classic Subscription” to The New Quandary ($49.95 p.a. 12 issues, East Coast only) we are delighted to offer a variety of tailored subscriptions and special bundles:
The Sub-Subscription: (Top Value) For a discounted price you can receive the dodgy off-prints of The New Quandary from when our printers start doing weird stuff or when we put the staples in the wrong side. We’ll also throw in some cigar butts and receipts found lying around our bedroom/offices. $19.95 p.a. (7-ish issues. Includes multiple copies. Not recommended for people with lint allergies or a sensitivity to mercury-based printing substances. Consult your doctor before purchasing The Sub-Subscription.)
The Treasure Hunt Subscription: For the mystery lover! The same price as the Classic Subscription but instead of receiving your crisp issue of The New Quandary directly, you will be delivered a cryptic Da Vinci Code-style clue about the mystery location where we accidentally sent that month’s edition. Happy hunting! $49.95 p.a. (12 issues, no refunds if you do not find your copy.)
The Gateway Subscription: Never subscribed to a literary magazine before? That’s cool, The New Quandary barely qualifies. It’s definitely not affiliated with any “harder” magazines and past readers in our immediate family have claimed to have no desire to read anything else! Register as a first-time subscriber for this exclusive 2-year deal. $59.95 (inc. 24 issues, automated renewal [non-negotiable] and 3000 special offers from our partners.)
The Procrastinator’s Subscription: So, you subscribed to The New Quandary and now it just lies around your house unread, accruing coffee rim stains? Spare yourself the monthly guilt trip. Instead of delivering The New Quandary to your home, we’ll mail your issues to locations where you are likely to read it. Including (but not limited to) your doctor’s office, your preferred airline, your in-law’s living room, and various faulty elevators in your area. $69.95 p.a. (inc. 12 issues. Delivery available to most locations besides Chipotle due to long-standing grudge)
The Digital Access Subscription: We at The New Quandary may be bookish, but we’re not slouches when we come to technology. We believe in taking advantage of all media to tell our stories, particularly those in which we got pretty drunk. This subscription gives you full access to our Facebook and Twitter pages as well as sneak previews of our misguided email drafts to various enemies in the publishing industry. $79.95 p.a. (Subscribers must select 39 character password, special characters only. Password must be changed biweekly. Maximum 2 page views per hour.)
The Business Subscription: Could you use The New Quandary in your workplace? Register as a business (min. 600 employees) and receive The New Quandary for a special reduced price! This deal also gives you live updates from our editorial team’s resumes and exclusive first rights on any of our editors’ further career path! $89.95 one-off payment. (inc. as many issues as we release before being offered a better job. Business must disclose average salary and current openings to receive discount. Fun urban locations only.)
The Tote Bag Subscription: Not so much a magazine subscription as a yearly rental of the exclusive New Quandary tote bag. $99.95 p.a. (Tote bag only.)
The Parent Bundle: (Bestseller!) An exclusive deal for the proud parents of those on The New Quandary’s editorial team! For just the price of a year’s rent in Brooklyn, printing and maintenance costs, as well as other sundry purchases, parents will receive all unsold issues, early drafts of our staff’s novels and surprise weepy phone calls at 2 a.m.! $20,000 p.a. (includes 12 issues, belated greeting cards, possibly surprise grandchildren).
Subscribers to The New Quandary also subscribed to: Getting Over It: Parenting the Grown-Up Child Prodigy,Understanding Small Print Weekly, Sociopath! Quarterly, and Canadian Living.
