The Toast’s previous coverage of trans* issues can be found here. This post brought to you by figwiggin.
Last year, my girlfriend and I spent our first Christmas vacation together in my hometown of Dallas, TX. We’d been together for only a few months at the time, but she was excited to see the town I grew up in, so we boarded a flight after finals and landed a miserable 10 hours later. At the border an agent accosted me over discrepancies between my passport and my appearance.
This began happening more regularly after I started taking hormones in 2010, and for obvious reasons. Why a terrorist would be dumb enough to get a fake passport with an opposite gender marker, an opposite gender picture, and an opposite gender name is beyond me, but apparently the USA is absolutely terrified of such an eventuality. As the Hank Shrader-looking fellow glazed dumbly over the 5 pieces of ID I placed before him, I wore the same expression I always wear in these situations. I cock my head slightly, narrow my eyes, and swallow my lips as if someone is presenting a desiccated cat to me and I’m pretending to be nonchalant about it.
Several days later, my partner and I went to Barnes & Noble and I spied a book out of the corner of my eye bearing a name like My Husband Wears My Clothes or From John to Jane or something like that. Ever since I became aware of my trans-sexual identity I’ve become very attuned to this sort of thing. I suppose it’s like gay-dar, but much less sexy. I have a knack for immediately noticing any piece of media that even suggests trans-sexuality, as if I had heat-vision goggles on.
I cracked open the book, and immediately shut it. Of course. This was a memoir of another cis-woman who finds she isn’t as enlightened as she thinks she is when she finds her “husband” raiding her panty drawer and is subsequently transformed into a better person through the grace and patience of her partner.
As a member of a minority whose voice is very rarely heard, much less listened to, seeing such a piece of media unfailingly irritates me. It makes me feel like Richard Pryor in The Toy. My presence in another person’s life leads them to grow as a character, to undergo an arc. Character arcs are what define protagonists in stories. If a character goes through some trials and challenges and ultimately comes out of the story a different person, for better or worse, then they are a more fully realized character. As a trans person in this narrative I am relegated to a plot device. An obstacle. Something that must be overcome in order for the real protagonist, the cis-woman, to complete her arc.
Obviously the stories of partners, parents, and friends of trans people are valuable. The existence of this book and the multitude of books like it (see: Sex Changes, Almost Perfect, Trans-sister Radio) as well as films like Normal, provide comforting narratives for these people who are struggling with deep emotional questions about their own identities, attitudes, and beliefs when confronted with a profound change in someone close to them. Transition is hard for all parties involved, and all emotional struggles are important. As a feminist it would be unbecoming of me to suggest that some perspectives are not valuable.
That said; I am completely sick of it.
Trans-sexuals are one of the most marginalized groups in North American society today: 1/5 of us are homeless for a portion of our lives; 57% of us are rejected outright by our families; 30% of us have a physical disability or mental condition; we have double the rate of unemployment of the general population, and half report being harassed on the job; we have four times the national average of HIV infections; 41% of us have attempted suicide; and these numbers get even worse when whites are separated out from the rest of the sample, leaving only racial and ethnic minorities.
One very effective method of countering all of these effects is the introduction of an accepting network of family, friends, and partners. In this way cis-centric narratives about trans people are very valuable to the trans community. My partner, who is a cis-woman, owes a small portion of her awareness of trans identities to a book she read at 14 called Luna, a young adult novel about a cis-girl and her transgender sister. I probably owe my sanity to my girlfriend. I love her, and if this book played a small part in expanding her mind, then surely it deserves to exist.
Please understand: it is not the cis-centric narratives themselves that I take issue with, but rather the prioritization of these narratives over stories of the actual marginalized population here, which in the case of trans-sexuals, in particular trans-women, means a population that generally lacks positive role models and protagonists of our own. We need role models in order to understand ourselves, and to have positive self-conceptions, especially considering we live in a society that largely despises us. It is not difficult to extrapolate that such a hateful cultural landscape would instill in us a profound self-loathing, a feeling of being freakish and different.
Yet, the most privileged narrative about trans people is not our story, but rather the story of how the cissies learn from us to not be complete asswipes, and are subsequently showered with praise and hole punches on their liberalism card.
Stories from the perspective of the “normals” which look in, almost voyeuristically, on the lives of the non-normals, are baby’s first empathy. It is far easier for the privileged to view the oppressed through the eyes of someone they can identify with, and that identification comes from a shared privilege. It’s a stepping-stone to truly feeling empathy for those who are different, even radically different, from you. However, it feels like many simply stop there.
On this level it makes perfect sense to me that stories like mine aren’t the ones getting the spotlight. Trans-gender people by their very nature fly in the face of thousands of years of shared cultural expectations of the immutability of gender, gender expression, and sex itself. Some see us as traitors, as traps, or as generally incomprehensible altogether. Even some feminists and gay activists shy away from us, or even go so far as to outright detest us. We complicate matters of gender and sex, changing them from static constructions to mutable shades of grey, just as the gays do, only more so. In order to understand us it makes sense to me that people would use a metaphorical telescope to view us instead of getting up close and personal. Cis-centric narratives are that telescope. They keep us at arms length and view us through a lens that is at once reductionist and familiar.
This is a necessary stepping-stone toward building empathy, but it is just that. A step. It is very worrying to me that this step is given so much more prominence than the actual lived experiences of minorities simply because it is easier and more palatable to the privileged.
At the time of this writing I haven’t traveled back home yet for Christmas 2013. My partner will be coming with me again, and for the first time since I embarked on this journey I will finally have a passport that reflects my true self. I received sex reassignment surgery in May, which made me woman enough for the Canadian government to stamp a tiny F next to my new name (yes, our stories continue on after the big surgery in the 3rd act.)
Tags: lgbt, quinn rosenberg, the trans* series, trans* issues
This is so good. Just so, so good. I feel like I have been trying to articulate the idea of “baby’s first empathy” about a number of issues for a while now, so thank you so much for that.
like imagine how much better a book the Secret Life Of Bees would have been if it was written from the point of view of any of the sisters the lil white girl goes to stay with, or her nanny-type-person
So true. One of the reasons I read is to experience the world through someone else’s perspective. It is so much more interesting when that perspective is very different than my own.
Yes. And not to say that first step isn’t important! Most people need a first step. They just need to keep moving instead of lingering there and shouting about how great it is that they took a step.
I like to think of it as climbing out of a pool. Yes, fine, you made it to the shallow end and are standing on the first step. You’re still in the water.
yes, exactly.
it is not the cis-centric narratives themselves that I take issue with, but rather the prioritization of these narratives over stories of the actual marginalized population here,
I completely understand this and agree. It’s one of the reasons why I really appreciate The Toast’s decision to seek out trans* peoples stories and make a special effort to highlight them, because unlike anywhere else they’re not presented as “look at the weirdo” stories but as “hey here is a narrative/perspective that doesn’t get the attention it needs”
Thank you! I’ve been so frustrated lately with the sentiment that trans* folks need to be teaching everyone how to act around them. Get a clue people, do the work, find within yourself the strength to be a decent person without having to drag around an interpreter.
It’s insulting, really, when people assume you will teach them how not to be an asshole around you! Like, is their time too valuable to waste on reading and research and critical thought?
Half-assery, I tell you.
This is so good. So, so good. I really hope we can read more of your thoughts in the future!
You’re so sweet! I’ll give it a shot maybe I dunno if I feel like it.
Quinn, I’d love to talk to you about your views in this article. I’m currently developing a couple of feature film scripts (and accompanying books) and I have to admit, you have made me stop dead in my tracks to consider whether I’m in fact getting the right message across. I am happy with the message in my stories already, but you opened a layer and I think by chatting with you, I can enhance the stories I have … plus you might end up with an IMDB credit as story consultant 🙂
Can you contact me please, at your pleasure. Don’t worry about time zones. Use the temporary email address: [email protected] – we can skype or find other methods! I don’t check my email often, so if you find a way to contact me faster, please do 🙂 Thanks.
I sent you an email. I would love to give you what meager help I can offer.
Agreed, Quinn! You’re a great writer and I’d love to see more work by you, on whatever subject sparks your interest.
Yes.
I love the emphasis on heroism requiring the actual hero to have actual struggles, not to just struggle-by-proxy.
I mean, I want heroes to learn things from others, of course, because heroes should have open hearts and listening ears and all the things they teach the kids in school these days, but to use someone else’s struggle as ‘all about the hero’ instead of as a moment for, like, grace and empathy and support, is skewed.
(And now I’m going to go write my masterpiece: “How having a (insert ‘other’ here) best friend helped me to become the best person in the world, and other reflections on my total excellence as a human”)
I was trying to figure out why I felt weird about this (http://www.buzzfeed.com/adamellis/i-dated-a-trans-guy-in-college-why-do-you-ask) article yesterday, and this sums it up pretty well, even though the Buzzfeed article was a bit of a different situation and much less “now I’m a better person.”
Love this so much, and love this series.
This was so good. This series is great.
Yeah, I love this series.
Agreed. <3
I was riding the bus (AC Transit, yo!) and noticed a transitioning woman sitting with a cis-woman. They were talking pretty loudly over the din of the bus and I was bored and was totally eavesdropping on them.
Suddenly a frisbee got launched into a window of the bus, the window right behind this couple. It startled everybody but the transitioning woman. Her friend said, “What do you think that was about?!” in a startled voice.
“Oh for christ’s sake, Patty,” said the other woman, “not everything is about you!”
I smiled and gave her an imaginary high-five for bad-assery and have since used that line many, many times in my life.
Ugh, this is so good and so important. Thank you, Quinn, you are great.
Also, I was pretty excited by this, “subsequently showered with praise and hole punches” because I thought you meant being showered by the tiny circles of paper punched out by hole punches, and suddenly realized I need that in my life.
not to derail, but this (being showered by the tiny circles of paper punched out by hole punches) actually happened to me recently, and while hilarious, I am still finding those things in my shoes weeks later.
Oh god, when you’d try to dump out the hole punch and it would go everywhere is an awkward school memory.
“Cissies”?
I just remembered that Laverne Cox is writing a book and I’m definitely excited about reading that! Has anyone read “Redefining Realness?”? I just put that on hold at my library but it’s going to be a while before I can get my hands on a copy. Other suggestions for stories (fiction or non-fiction) that don’t fall into the trap of “look how I LEARNED” would be great if anyone has suggestions?
Have you read Nevada? I’m probably going to keep rereading it until Morgan Page or Casey Plett’s books are released later this year. Topside press is going some really amazing work in supporting trans folks’ fiction and poetry.
I haven’t! Honestly the most recent book I read which deals with anything trans is the Tamir trilogy by Lynn Flewelling which, while I love them, are, well, fantasy novels. I just ordered Nevada and it should be here by Friday! Thanks for the recommendation 🙂
no problem! I hope you enjoy it. Imogen is pretty awesome too – she’s @iphisol on twitter.
Thank you so much for writing this.
Wow, I definitely needed to read this.
As another poster said, “not everything is about you.” SOFFA stories are not about trans people, they are stories about SOFFAs. It’s not necessarily to silence others to be heard yourself.
I’m the mom of a 17 year old trans guy. I have never sought out, nor read, any cis accounts of dealing with transition. I HAVE sought out and read an awesome array of first-person stories by trans* individuals: She’s Not There, Becoming a Visible Man, and more, that have been invaluable. I guess I don’t feel like I need stories about my own experience. Truly, I wasn’t even aware that much of that existed.
Great post. Thanks much for sharing 🙂
From my viewpoint as a trans woman, I entirely disagree. For every book by a cis partner of a trans person, there are 50 by trans people. There’s room for both kinds of books. And if you actually ever read (for example) either of the books by Helen Boyd, you would discover that they aren’t remotely what you seem to assume.
In other words: it’s not all about you.
“For every book by a cis partner of a trans person, there are 50 by trans people.” [citation needed]
I’ve found that the literal opposite is true. From my viewpoint as a trans woman, of the few dozen or so books with trans women characters I own, only one (Nevada) is written by a trans woman. I’m not even aware of too many others, and I’ve *definitely* been looking.
I sent you an email. I would love to give you what meager help I can offer.
My trans* partner is happy to instigate growth and evolution in anyone that comes into contact with her. She accepts her ability help others grow just by being herself. Her whole self. If I have grown from being lucky enough to be her partner, it is because of who she is. She just happens to be trans*. 🙂
I’m gonna have to read this 5 times before I understand it. Honestly this MtF is down in the dumps lately. I am looking at the deterioration of my marriage and wondering whether this is all worth it or I should just stay a cross-dressing man who is occassionally allowed out of his cage.
Very depressed.