What Does Michael Fassbender Look Like?

by Jaya Saxena · March 19, 2014

fassbender“But whatever the dream, there’s always a face that I can’t see, that I keep missing, out there beyond the edge of the crowd.” -The Man Without A Face, 1993

For a few years now I heard whispers of Michael Fassbender. I had no idea what he was in, but tales came to me about his looks. Mainly, that he had them, because no one cared to specify anything else. I figured, like with many attractive actors, I would understand it when I saw it. And then I saw some of his movies and, guys, I have no idea what Michael Fassbender looks like.

It all began home one night watching X-Men: First Class, in which I am told Michael Fassbender plays a young Magneto. “Who is that?” I asked Matt. He informed me it was Michael Fassbender, but for the rest of the night I was unsure every time he appeared on screen. “Was that Michael Fassbender?” Yes it was. “What about that time?” Yes, still Michael Fassbender. “Who is that?” Jaya how do you still not know what he looks like.

But it persists! I decided to look him up, but a Google image search of Michael Fassbender yields hundreds of photos of men who look nothing alike. Or men who do look alike, only in that they look like men. Some have facial hair, some wear ties, all are Michael Fassbender. I discovered he was in Inglorious Basterds, a movie I have seen multiple times. “Yeah, he’s the British officer who messes up ordering Schnapps,” I’m told, and I think back. I know the hand holding up the wrong three fingers, but the face is a mystery. He may have been wearing a hat.

While watching the Oscars an announcement came that Michael Fassbender was nominated for his role in 12 Years A Slave. “Michael Fassbender was in that?” I asked as the camera cut to a man with a beard. I thought back to X-Men, trying to compare their faces, but came up with nothing. You may think I have face blindness, but please, describe Michael Fassbender right now. You can’t! You will think the word “man,” maybe “tall but not that tall.” You will turn into Jason Segel describing Preston in Can’t Hardly Wait. You’ll then start wondering why you never noticed Jason Segel was in Can’t Hardly Wait and forget about Michael Fassbender completely. This is how he wants it.

In this ability to have no identity, Michael Fassbender is the perfect actor. What magic, to be everyone and no one! To have a face that changes from movie to movie, scene to scene, unrecognizable as yourself. He has found the sweet spot for actors that comes between being seen and making yourself unseeable. Stay too small and you will dissolve into your roles but gain no notoriety, but become too big and no one will be able to watch your films without thinking “that’s So and So,” and possibly remembering what you looked like in sunglasses and track pants pumping your own gas. No, Michael Fassbender has tricked the system, becoming a household name without a household face. You will forget about Michael Fassbender until Michael Fassbender wants you to remember him, and see him for as long as he wants to be seen. After that, he is but a shadow in a tuxedo, possibly with a beard.

Michael Fassbender could be in my room right now and I wouldn’t know.

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102 Comments

    1. niamhlovesbooks +1

      Argh! I was waiting and waiting to leave this comment… you are too aware, Jaya! Damn you for being so competent at your job!

    1. turanga_leela +44

      Occurred to me that someone should make a Superman movie with Michael Fassbender.

      Superman puts glasses on and the audience wonders, “where did Michael Fassbender as Superman go? Who is that geek in the glasses? What, that is the same person? No, your pulling my leg?”

        1. whizzdumb +3

          I’m in your club. I saw Shame and think about it from time to time since I relate sooo much to the sex-fiend main character, who escapes me.

        2. tibia_ +3

          I’m in the club too! During Oscars season every time they showed Fassbender’s face I thought it was Joaquin Phoenix. (Which makes me realize that I also maybe don’t really know what Joaquin Phoenix looks like, but I think that’s more excusable because his entire look changes like every six months.)

    3. lightle +1

      He’s also in SLC PUNK! and DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS. Two great darkly funny college comedies of the 90’s.

  4. Ophelia +10

    “You’ll then start wondering why you never noticed Jason Segel was in Can’t Hardly Wait and forget about Michael Fassbender completely.” Yes, this is true.

    Can’t Hardly Wait Jack: There’s one scene where Preston is talking to girl (can’t remember if it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt or not), and then turns around and walks into a door, and my friend and I would just watch/rewind that scene over and over again, cackling with glee.

  5. mbculver +31

    Of all the actors out there about whom I suffer facial blindness, FASSBENDER is not one of them. I’d certainly know if he were in the room with me right now.

    …

    BRB.

      1. Battle_Swine +13

        He reminds me of other people in some of the (Google Image) photos– like sometimes he looks like David Beckham, and sometimes Joaquin Phoenix, and sometimes Tom Hiddleston– but not even consistently and how is that even the same face, I don’t think I believe it, who is Michael Fassbender.

    1. safvn +3

      Yeah, I was just going to stop in and say that I also have Fassbender Blindness but these pictures are the stuff of horror.

  8. dakimel +38

    I think it’s because of his jaw. His unshaven jaw, my current page of Google images tells me (I couldn’t have described it without this) is really very square and distinctive and makes his lips disappear.

    But then he grows facial hair, and each variation of beard / mustache / stubble is a cunning disguise, because suddenly his chin is a triangle, or round, and his lips are these yummy targets right in the middle of the facial hair and all you can do is stare at them and imagine them smiling at you, yes, you, as they draw closer and gently whisper your name.

    … or something like that. I mean. I guess.

  9. rangiferina +18

    Based on comments she made after seeing 12 Years A Slave, I’m pretty sure my mom could have written this exact post.

    (Thankfully, Fassbender Blindness does not seem to be hereditary.)

  10. thebellewitch +53

    THIS IS SO TRUE, thank you for cracking this thing wide open, Jaya. I, too, thought it was just me. How can people think he’s so attractive when his face has been clinically proven not to exist.

      1. thebellewitch +33

        Battle_Swine above points out that he looks vaguely like a bunch of other guys in his various face-iterations, so maybe he is like a Hot Dude Rorschach.

  12. Alli525 +14

    The only thing that is distinctive about Michael Fassbender is that one(?) full-frontal scene he did a couple years back. The screenshot of that moment is burned permanently into the back of my brain after having seen it on Tumblr about 12486029267 times.

      1. tjdubya +13

        “Yes, Michael? Hey, it’s so and so doing a movie. Just wondering if your penis..IF YOU! IF YOU would be interested.”

        Fassbender’s unrecognizable mouth makes words

        “Full frontal? Yes there will be. Why do you ask?”

    2. meme +2

      One scene? For sure more than one, and in two different movies (“Hunger” and “Shame”).

  13. mollpants +24

    HELLO TERROR THY NAME IS THAT HEADER GRAPHIC

    (although I am sort of fond of that disgruntled-looking one on the right)

  14. rien à dire +4

    I feel this way about so many people! For the longest time, I had no idea what Tara Reid looked like. And then I watched the 1980 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice this past weekend and had no clue who anyone was…..

    SORCERY.

    1. niamhlovesbooks +5

      My mind skipped over half of your message and somehow placed Tara Reid into the 1980 version of Pride and Prejudice. PLEASE MAKE IT HAPPEN, GIF GODS.

    1. rien à dire +20

      I get him mixed up with the guy who played Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek (Chris Pine, apparently). And then also Chris Klein. Maybe my faceblindness is biased toward Chrises.

      1. vmartinipie +11

        Yes, I was also going to mention the preponderance of blandly handsome Chrises in our multiplexes! And I have no idea who ANY of them are besides Chris Pratt, because of Parks and Rec.

      3. TLO +17

        As a fellow sufferer of Chrisblindness, I”ll add Chris Hemsworth to that list of blondish, chiseled, no-face guys.

        2. Ophelia +2

          Wait, isn’t that Liam Hemsworth? Or are they two different people? Maybe they are brothers?

          1. apple_pi +8

            They are brothers! But one wears a long and flowing blonde wig, and the other wears a long and flowing brunette wig. Or a short and bristly brunette wig, or maybe it’s his real hair.

    2. Lily Rowan

      I had it with Chris Evans for the LONGEST TIME, but finally got over it. I can’t remember what I saw him in where it finally stuck. But yes.

    3. robot_dinosaur +13

      Based on the reactions of my friends, I’m pretty sure the main thing you’re supposed to notice about Chris Evans is his ass.

    4. thewriteginger +1

      I enjoyed Captain America, have a sad addiction to the Avengers movie, and I STILL got all the way to the final credits of The Losers without recognizing that my favorite character was… also Chris Evans. I don’t understand my brain.

  17. Toft +95

    “Michael Fassbender” is actually an alias for the Face Benders, a shadowy group of at least 40 similar-looking men who pretend to be a single person.

  18. alex_geedee +10

    So glad to learn I’m not alone with this issue! Should we start a Michael Fassbender Blindness Awareness group or something? I’m willing to put up posters with his picture that say HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN??? NO, SERIOUSLY.

  20. vine fruit +14

    I once watched the Ruth Wilson version of Jane Eyre (which features Toby Stephens as Rochester) while quite drunk and then went to work and told people I had watched the Michael Fassbender version. We figured out what had happened when our accounts of the Michael Fassbender version did not match up, like at all, and I got made fun of. Look, I bet Michael Fassbender occasionally has Toby Stephens’ face!

      1. mbculver +3

        Toby Stephens! Oh man, too much hot and confusing European pulchritude around here today…

    1. tubatoothpaste +16

      Oh good. Clearly Jaya’s just developing a brain filter that keeps her from seeing assholes.

        1. tubatoothpaste +3

          Especially for people you have to interact with IRL. Not remembering who they are would make them SO MAD.

    4. gio +2

      Fassbender and Keira are good friends,that’s was a joke. The story about his ex has no evidence and does not make sense at all. There are many controversial details about that on the web,I would wait before judging him.

    1. mattielubchansky +16

      i was looking up images of ol’ faceless to make that header image and a bunch of the pictures on the search said “fassbender 300” and i checked it and i ran and told jaya and we were afraid together

  25. SwagHorse +17

    “Please, describe Michael Fassbender right now”:

    Young Christopher Plummer. Smaller nose. Terrifying grin. BAM. Fassbender.

    2. Bess +1

      I met Christopher Plummer several times when he came into the store I worked at when he was in the Stratford Festival. Never recognized him. So it makes sense Fassbender is also unrecognizable.

    3. hugpunch +3

      I find him so terrifying. There’s something predatory about his smile, and not a “sexy predator” kind of way, if there is such a thing.

  27. sofie_fatale +5

    I’ve gotten better about it now, but there was a year or two where whenever I saw Dominic Cooper, Rami Malek, or Oscar Isaac, I thought they were David Krumholtz. My brain was just like, “Eh, close enough” and didn’t want to bother learning new faces.

    I did have a VERY specific hotness ranking for each of them though, which I’m not sure how my brain explained.

  28. ejbaker13 +9

    My favorite thing about Michael Fassbender is that he’s Australian. Think about saying “Fassbender” in an Australian accent. FESSBINDAH!

    2. msjinxie +7

      He’s actually Irish/German, which is even better IMO because that just seems like the oddest combinations of accents.

      1. ejbaker13 +8

        Oh damn you’re right. Apparently he has an impossible-to-remember nationality, too.

    3. niamhlovesbooks +2

      He’s Irish, but I forgive you, because his accent really is the most bizarre mix of… everything. It’s basically a southwest Irish accent with a kind of German rhythm to his sentences, but as if he’s been watching Home and Away and Neighbours all day. So… oh damn it, Australia, you can probably take him by default.

  29. DeLoreanGrey +5

    It sounds like a serious case of Fassbendagnosia. I don’t even want to know what you saw in the movie Shame, Jaya.

  30. LaughableWalrus +14

    Related news, as seen on Buzzfeed: Is this Emma Watson or Jennifer Lawrence?

    BUT SERIOUSLY. I was very convinced they looked nothing at all alike until seeing that photo, and now I can no longer trust my understanding of any faces.

      1. LaughableWalrus +2

        Me too, but it’s so mesmerizing. Is it photoshop? Is it a weird J-law style makeover? Are all celebrity faces just naturally morphing into one??

  34. Bittersweet

    Toby Stephens! Oh man, too much hot and confusing European pulchritude around here today…

  35. Abanthis +11

    It’s true! Life would be so much simpler if there weren’t so many movies about chiselled, usually stubbly white men having angst about their place in the world. ENOUGH.

  36. betsymurgatroyd +1

    And Hex. What did he look like in Hex? I only remember the loveliness that is Jemima Rooper and that I was constantly angry at what they did to her* because she deserved better.

    *I’m not going to spoil this for anyone who might want to watch the show.

  37. Betsy Murgatroyd

    And Hex. What did he look like in Hex? I only remember the loveliness that is Jemima Rooper and that I was constantly angry at what they did to her* because she deserved better.

    *I'm not going to spoil this for anyone who might want to watch the show.

  40. Rosemary +1

    Michael Fassbender’s face slides off my brain! I try to remember him as “the German-looking one” (??? I guess? thanks, brain) but none of the Michael Fassbenders in the google image search matched the “German-looking” face I remembered…

  42. OrpheustheMute +1

    So, are we saying there is a connection between Fassbender and that guy on the screen…
    …but what kind?

  43. cheetahpower

    It was the first Fassbender movie I saw. After that, I couldn't unsee the hotness. I will never forget that face: square jaw, big forehead, blue eyes, wide smile, blonde hair, and seeexxxxxxyyyyy