Previously in Mallory Goes To The Movies: Things that actually happened in Vampire Academy.

Michael Ealy looks like someone started to cast a handsomeifying spell on Skeletor from He-Man but got interrupted halfway through.

Michael Ealy looks like a small witch has burrowed inside of his man’s skull and every day carefully and delicately rearranges a single one of his face bones. Halfway through the movie, my friend leaned over to me and said, “He keeps making so many faces with his face.”

Michael Ealy has a witch’s face.

I would watch 37 hours of Regina Hall and Kevin Hart yelling at each other. I did not expect this going into the movie.

At one point, Michael Ealy’s love interest — an actress so irritating and forgettable that I mentally replaced her with a cardboard cutout of Darryl Hannah from Splash! — decides she wants a dog, even though Michael Ealy does not want a dog. Later, as a sign of his affection, Michael Ealy buys not-Splash! a dog, and she does not say thank you. She cuddles the dog. She appears excited to see the dog. And yet she does not think Michael Ealy for purchasing her a dog. Later, when they break up, Michael Ealy gets custody of the dog for no apparent reason. A man buys her a dog and she never thanks him.

The entire film takes place over a little less than a year, and yet within three months of dating one another Michael Ealy and his love interest are having fights like they’ve been chained together in the Saw bathroom for a thousand years. It’s like the first middle fifteen minutes of When Harry Met Sally, followed by the first twenty-five minutes of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, followed by the New Year’s Eve scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Michael Ealy looks like if the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz were evil.

Regina Hall is a wonderful human woman and she looks like a sexy Gummi bear.

Kevin Hart is more committed to acting than I am toward anything I have ever tried. I admire Kevin Hart and I hope he gets enough sleep.

Paula Patton still acts like she has just been given a very strange mix of uppers and downers, blindfolded, spun around four times, and then pushed roughly onto the set every time she appears on screen. I feel an enormous and confusing pity for Paula Patton. Her eyelids are always fighting a losing battle with her eyelashes.

You cannot cast Christopher McDonald — Taffy from Requiem For a Dream, for crying out loud, SHOOTER FROM HAPPY GILMORE — as a financially strapped bar owner and not make him a bad guy. I spent the whole movie waiting for him to let Kevin Hart and Michael Ealy down. I even sat through the credits.

At one point, Michael Ealy and his girlfriend go to a costume party as Ike and Tina Turner, as if this is a normal thing to do, and no one comments on it beyond asking not-Splash! if she is dressed as Rod Stewart.

I would like to watch Michael Ealy and Channing Tatum hold hands. No funny stuff. Just eight solid minutes of the two of them comfortably holding hands in public.