DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Othello.
FALSTAFF: ok so you be you and ill be the king
HAL: ok
FALSTAFF: you know whose great??
Falstaff
(this is me being the king right now ok)
HAL: right
FALSTAFF: so its the king telling you this
not me
HAL: right
FALSTAFF: falstaff is so great
you should never fire that guy ever
KING HENRY: are you ever going to stop partying
HAL: im not partying
its IRONIC
KING HENRY: you’re partying right now
HAL: only as a commentary on partying
KING HENRY: that doesn’t make any sense
HAL: doesnt it
FALSTAFF: do u want to get high
HAL: yeah
but only because then everyone will be really impressed when i stop getting high
FALSTAFF: what
HAL: its a plan i came up with when i was high
HAL: you know whats bullshit
FALSTAFF: what
HAL: everything
FALSTAFF: even being king?
HAL: ESPECIALLY being king
HAL [to himself]: im going make such an amazing king
HAL: youre such a good friend
FALSTAFF: YOURE such a good friend
HAL: i love being friends
[the next day]
FALSTAFF: oh my god
i was robbed
HAL: ahahaha i know
it was me
FALSTAFF: oh my god
what
why?
HAL: ahahahahhaa
[HAL shotguns a beer in the shower]
HAL: everyones going to be so impressed when i stop doing this
FALSTAFF: how can you do this to me
youre my best friend
HAL: mmm
i dont remember saying that
FALSTAFF: what about this best friend bracelet you made for me
HAL: look
ive made a lot of bracelets
[HAL and HOTSPUR are fighting. HAL kills HOTSPUR]
HAL: at last i have killed my rival
[HAL turns and sees FALSTAFF lying motionless on the ground]
HAL: goodbye, Falstaff
[HAL leaves]
FALSTAFF: “goodbye, Falstaff” what a dick
[FALSTAFF slowly crawls up and stabs HOTSPUR‘s body]
FALSTAFF: now whos killed hotspur, dickhead
now whos the one killing him
[he stabs HOTSPUR again]
more like king of…king of fucking off
I am now despondent that there wasn’t a scene of Hal shotgunning a beer in the shower in The Hollow Crown.
I mean he was drinking wine in a sauna, but still.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one whose mind went there.
OH GOD THAT SCENE. Also this one.
Oh, Hal. You wastrel. You dudebro.
My friends and I tried watching the Hollow Crown Henry IV and drinking whenever the characters did. That was fun.
we’ve all made a lot of bracelets
HAL: that Mistress Quickly is such a fucking whore
HAL: you know whats bullshit
FALSTAFF: what
HAL: everything
FALSTAFF: even being king?
HAL: ESPECIALLY being king
This is such a perfect summary of the Henriad, I want it etched onto a commemorative plate.
right? and actually echoes a bunch of other plays. moar Shakespearean ruminations on kinghood, plz
KING HENRY: and keep your damn heels down
HAL: proper leg position is so phony
(Hiddleston is a fine actor and appears to be a funny, self-aware person with a social conscience, but he seems to have trouble keeping his heels down and his legs under him when he’s riding. I have the same issue and will happily be persuaded it’s common to all tall long-legged people.)
At least you tall folk can get your legs properly ‘ROUND THE HORSE.
Is it just me or does T-Hiddles get slapped a whole lot?
He just plays eminently slappable characters.
Eminently something-else-able too, if you know what I mean
Sometimes at the same time! :leer:
Asking for a friend, what is this from?
Only Lovers Left Alive
Only Lovers Left Alive, in which Hiddles and SWINTON play a married couple who are also vampires.
It’s pretty amazing.
This thread reminded me that I was overdue to finally watch this, and I DID, and now it’s all I can think about.
Can’t decide if I want Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston in this film to adopt me, or have a three-way with me.
Only Lovers Left Alive starring him and Tilda Swinton as married vampires.
Anecdotally speaking, it makes you want to have sex.
OIC. Erm. *quietly adds to movie-watching queue*
A movie I may have spent two hours muttering at, “dirtbag vampires, Mallory needs to do dirtbag vampires next”
Mmmm yes more pls
Similarly, Tilda Swinton.
I don’t know what I just put in my eyes but I would like there to be more of it, please.
That’s what makes him fun! I see his face, and I know there’s a slap coming.
And this is why Hal is my favourite Shakespeare lead. Hot and stupid, friends. Hot and stupid.
But only temporarily stupid! He gets better and then he’s Henry V and gets to woo French ladies and make inspirational speeches. With a Dirtbag Subtext.
FALSTAFF: its so awesome that youre king now.
HAL: LALALALALA I cant hear you
Hal really is a dirtbag.
I saw the Shakespeare Theatre Company’s production of Henry IV 1 & 2 this year, and I was in row B for part one, right in the perfect position to admire a shirtless and very tasty Hotspur make out with his wife. I have no idea what anyone said during that scene, but they looked very nice doing it.
I must’ve seen the same production; he walked in with the letter and my jaw hit the floor. Sisterquiet, who was sitting next to me, leaned over and murmured happily, “Gonna grate some cheese,” and I lost the rest of the scene to repressing giggles and trying to figure out how the hell dude had gotten those lats.
If it was the one in DC this past Spring, it was the same one! I was sitting there silently blessing Michael Kahn (the director) for being a perv and giving us all that beautiful gift.
Given an actor like that, Kahn would’ve been a fool to keep him in a shirt.
Setting aside that fine bit of eye candy, I gave the production a B-minus: Excellent Falstaffing from Keach, and above-par work from the actresses and the ever-reliable Edward Gero, but Hal showed all the perceptiveness of a puppy on nitrous. Not even dirtbag, just goofball. Granted I saw only Part 1; perhaps he grew.
OMG stooppp I only saw II, and admittedly I’ve worked with the actor who played Hal and have undying love for him (he’s honestly my favorite Shakespearean actor ever), but you must not!
No shade intended; it was clearly a directorial decision. But coming off the Hollow Crown’s take, where Hal knows exactly what he’s doing–and grieves it a little, but doesn’t let that stop him–seeing a Hal who seemed honestly never to have realized that he was going to have to ditch the Eastcheap scene, it seemed like a weak choice to me.
FALSTAFF: Now, Hal, what time of day is it, lad?
HAL: Thou art so fat-witted, with drinking of old sack, and unbuttoning thee after supper, and sleeping upon benches after noon, that thou hast forgotten to demand that truly which thou wouldst truly know.
HAL: Who cares what time it is? The real question is, wanna go graffiti the tavern outhouse with “HOTSPUR HAS A TINY WANG”?
FALSTAFF: Fuckin’ hell yeah
if I don’t stop giggling my boss is going to ask what’s wrong
must. stop. giggling.
This is so beautiful and so perfect. I think I need to print this out and frame it on my wall.
My girlfriend was part of an outdoor Henry IV performance this summer, and I think this may actually just be bits of the script from that show. Though in fairness, there was no beer-shotgunning in the shower, or any shower at all in the show, which was a travesty considering who they got to play Hal.
Was it the performance in St. Louis? I was there!
So what you’re saying is that James Franco should play Hal?
everyones going to be so impressed when i stop doing this
Seriously my life motto, aged 18 to 27.
Yesss as soon as I saw this post I thought “where is CleverManka’s treasure trove of Hiddleston GIFs?” and here you are 🙂
Also, here are my Hiddleston gifs for anyone who might want to snag some for their own use.
FREE GIFS 4 ALL
psssstt, thanks for the Supernatural gifs too :)))
I’ll be in my bunk!
*chinhands* I’ll just be here, waiting for Dirtbag Richard II, and Dirtbag Merry Wives of Windsor, and why not, Dirtbag Coriolanus, the better for us to post all the submissive Hiddleston gifs we can find.
Dirtbag Coriolanus needs to happen yesterday.
Also, as a public service, I am leaving this link here to Act 4 Scene 5 of Coriolanus: http://shakespeare.mit.edu/coriolanus/coriolanus….
as I am aware it is not the most widely known of the Bard’s output and yet I feel it is relevant to many Toastfolk’s interests. I mean, for the insightful commentary on families and class and war … and also for dialogue like this:
AUFIDIUS, to Coriolanus
Know thou first,
I loved the maid I married; never man
Sigh’d truer breath; but that I see thee here,
Thou noble thing! more dances my rapt heart
Than when I first my wedded mistress saw
Bestride my threshold. Why, thou Mars! I tell thee,
We have a power on foot; and I had purpose
Once more to hew thy target from thy brawn,
Or lose mine arm fort: thou hast beat me out
Twelve several times, and I have nightly since
Dreamt of encounters ‘twixt thyself and me;
We have been down together in my sleep,
Unbuckling helms, fisting each other’s throat,
And waked half dead with nothing.
That is very homoerotic. Right? It’s not just in my head?
That is suuuuuper homoerotic.
“Unbuckling helms, fisting each other’s throat”
Nah, no homoeroticism there.
So Dirtbag Falstaff is basically indistinguishable from Actual Falstaff, right?
They kind of both are. I mean, I love the Henriad, it’s my favorite bit of Shakespeare, primarily because Hal is such a fucking politician. i love him and his awfulness and the final betrayals of Falstaff and really just all of it.
p. sure Falstaff is the original dirtbag
Or dirtbag Measure for Measure.
This thread reminded me that I was overdue to finally watch this, and I DID, and now it's all I can think about.
Can't decide if I want Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston in this film to adopt me, or have a three-way with me.
I KNOW U ALL
AND I HATE U ALL
The Othello was very good but this is actually great.
It would need almost no rewriting.
Jailor: hey, time for your execution
Barnardo: oh yeah
what if i don't want to be executed
what then
how are you going to make me
you can't can you
look at me sitting here
not being executed
Formal Request for dirtbags from musicals. Henry Higgins, all of the men in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, the Phantom…
“more like king of jerking off” — Macbeth callback
I’m in tears whenever I think about that one