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Home: The Toast

DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Othello.

FALSTAFF: ok so you be you and ill be the king
HAL: ok
FALSTAFF: you know whose great??
Falstaff
(this is me being the king right now ok)
HAL: right
FALSTAFF: so its the king telling you this
not me
HAL: right
FALSTAFF: falstaff is so great
you should never fire that guy ever

 

KING HENRY: are you ever going to stop partying
HAL: im not partying
its IRONIC
KING HENRY: you’re partying right now
HAL: only as a commentary on partying
KING HENRY: that doesn’t make any sense
HAL: doesnt it

 

FALSTAFF: do u want to get high
HAL: yeah
but only because then everyone will be really impressed when i stop getting high
FALSTAFF: what
HAL: its a plan i came up with when i was high

 

HAL: you know whats bullshit
FALSTAFF: what
HAL: everything
FALSTAFF: even being king?
HAL: ESPECIALLY being king

 

HAL [to himself]: im going make such an amazing king

 

HAL: youre such a good friend
FALSTAFF: YOURE such a good friend
HAL: i love being friends
[the next day]
FALSTAFF: oh my god
i was robbed
HAL: ahahaha i know
it was me
FALSTAFF: oh my god
what
why?
HAL: ahahahahhaa

 

[HAL shotguns a beer in the shower]
HAL: everyones going to be so impressed when i stop doing this

 

FALSTAFF: how can you do this to me
youre my best friend
HAL: mmm
i dont remember saying that
FALSTAFF: what about this best friend bracelet you made for me
HAL: look
ive made a lot of bracelets

 

[HAL and HOTSPUR are fighting. HAL kills HOTSPUR]
HAL: at last i have killed my rival
[HAL turns and sees FALSTAFF lying motionless on the ground]
HAL: goodbye, Falstaff
[HAL leaves]
FALSTAFF: “goodbye, Falstaff” what a dick
[FALSTAFF slowly crawls up and stabs HOTSPUR‘s body]
FALSTAFF: now whos killed hotspur, dickhead
now whos the one killing him
[he stabs HOTSPUR again]
more like king of…king of fucking off

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