DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Macbeth.
RODERIGO: Iago
IAGO [lights cigarette over trash can fire]: thats what my mom calls me
RODERIGO: you said you would help me marry Desdemona
IAGO: you got it pal
RODERIGO: but I heard not five minutes ago she married Othello
IAGO: oh shit
i knew i forgot to tell you something
***
IAGO: you know Othello?
CASSIO: yeah
IAGO: man i hate that guy
CASSIO: how come
IAGO: how come
because fuck that guy
CASSIO: i dunno
he seems pretty chill
IAGO: yeah well
he’s not
he’s not at all chill
***
IAGO: oh look at me
i’m Othello
I’m the captain
I think I’m so great
more like the captain of
assface
***
IAGO: oh by the way
totally unrelated
his wife wants to have sex with you
CASSIO: really??
IAGO: yeah all kinds of sex with you
regular kind, standing up, the works
she told me to tell you
CASSIO: really
IAGO: yeah but she also told me to tell you
not to say anything to her about it
except to me
so just let me handle it
***
IAGO: how many guys
like on average
would you say Desdemona is having sex with
OTHELLO: what
IAGO: like just you
or you and also one more person
OTHELLO: what are you talking about
IAGO: if i were you
just to be safe
i would smother her to death
OTHELLO: oh my god
IAGO: just to be on the safe side
***
IAGO: god
do you know who i hate
EVERYONE
***
IAGO: look if you don’t believe me
OTHELLO: i dont
IAGO: i’ll show you proof
DESDEMONA: hi
IAGO: do you see what i mean
OTHELLO: she just said hi
IAGO: yeah but like
the way she said it
OTHELLO: how did she say it
IAGO: ugh i dunno exactly
“whoreishly”
look just kill her and you’ll see what i mean
***
IAGO: uuughhhhh
nobody is murdering ANYBODY
SOMEBODY MURDER SOMEBODY PLEEEASE
***
[Desdemona is dead]
OTHELLO: jesus
how could you do this to me
IAGO: i’unno
OTHELLO: i thought we were friends
IAGO: i said i’unno
Images by Matt Lubchansky, who makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
Tags: books, dirtbag shakespeare, othello, teenage dirtbags
Look just kill her and you’ll see what I mean.
Man, that’s your solution to EVERYTHING.
Someone’s seen Deadly Women!
Sad Othello is maybe my second-favorite thing Matt has ever drawn.
(You know what my first-favorite is.)
I’m also pretty partial to the “nobody is murdering ANYBODY” frustrated Iago upside-down on the bench.
I was reminded of Dolphin Prince by this very post. I just thought of it and I could feel my whole face light up.
This is perfect. Dirtbag Iago is basically Regular Iago with a smaller vocab.
Seems like there’s at least one dirtbag in every Shakespeare play. When he wrote, he put a sign over his desk saying, “STARTEST THOU WITH YE DIRTBAGGE, AND GOEST ON FROM THERRE.”
EMILIA: what the fuck Desdemona wasn’t a slut
OTHELLO: what?
EMILIA: Iago is a fucking liar
OTHELLO: what?
[Iago stabs EMILIA]
EMILIA [dying]: JESUS CHRIST.
“regular kind, standing up, the works”
The works.
I assume “the works” means it involves a lot of toppings.
*rimshot*
WINK
And here I thought Dirtbag Hamlet could not be topped. Mallory, you are a gentleman and a scholar.
This is why I hate Othello. Iago is a stupid shit-starter and Othello is dumb and misogynist and Desdemona is feckless and Emilia is like ugh these people. The only good thing to ever come out of Othello was this:
Tis My Shite by dm_5265897612a83
“Tis my shite.
omg omg omg omg
Ack, that was amazing! Verily, mothaf**ckah…and having Gaius Baltar as Bill Shakes was just the cherry on top.
I was going to be all lecturey on how Othello has the structure of a farce with the emotional underpinning of a tragedy and that’s what makes it so devastating and blahdee blah but now I’m going to spend the rest of my evening planning how to make my entire fall class about Key & Peele. Which is to say THANK YOU.
he’s not at all chill
Whenever I think of Othello, the phrase “circumcized dog” pops into my mind. Apparently that line really made an impression on me.
OTHELLO: Man, this sucks.
OTHELLO: Okay, everyone, imagine, like, a dog’s dick.
OTHELLO: And it’s being circumcised. Like, just picture that in your mind.
OTHELLO: Can you see it?
OTHELLO: Good.
[Othello kills himself]
yeah all kinds of sex with you
regular kind, standing up, the works
I can’t laugh at this this hard, I’m at work!
dirtbag Shakespeare is my favorite birthday present so far, thank you Mallory <3
Othello: Where’s that handkerchief I gave you?
Desdemona: Uhhh
Othello: YOU LIKE DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND
Is it bad that these posts are always filled with lines I would like to incorporate into my daily life? I am an aspiring teenage dirtbag and all I need is to shed my slim vestige of propriety and acquire some sort of device that makes time go backwards.
“So nice to finally meet your wife, she seems great! One quick question for you, though: how many guys, like on average, do you think she is having sex with?”
The “on average” totally makes that line. So great.
I really need to call more people ‘captain of assface’
This is my favorite dirtbag Shakespeare so far.
That said, I cannot believe there was no beast with two backs reference.
I always like versions of Othello where Iago is a straight-up psychopath.
“Why would you do that?”
“Eh. Wanted to see what I could make you do. It turned out pretty good. ‘scuse me, I need to go torture this butterfly.”
Go read Curtain by Agatha Christie and then come back and tell me Iago wasn’t a psychopath…
Oh, I think he definitely is, I just prefer that interpretation on stage to the one where he’s sort of cartoonishly evil for no apparent reason.
I like the interpretation where, in addition to being a psychopath, he’s kind of in love with Othello, and doesn’t know how to deal with anything that’s happening, so he kills everybody. He’s a lot like Hannibal Lecter, really.
IAGO: put money in thy purse.
RODERIGO: what
IAGO: look
JUST FUCKING DO IT
It should would explain Don John from Much Ado. He's got that speech where he's basically, "Look, my whole motivation here is just to be the biggest dick I can for no reason." Shakespeare probably thought, "Right, got my dirtbag, got my misogyny, and this one's a comedy so I'll just phone in the rest of the character development."
Ack, that was amazing! Verily, mothaf**ckah…and having Gaius Baltar as Bill Shakes was just the cherry on top.
Go read Curtain by Agatha Christie and then come back and tell me Iago wasn't a psychopath…
HUMBLE REQUEST FOR DIRTBAG MUCH ADO
I was going to be all lecturey on how Othello has the structure of a farce with the emotional underpinning of a tragedy and that's what makes it so devastating and blahdee blah but now I'm going to spend the rest of my evening planning how to make my entire fall class about Key & Peele. Which is to say THANK YOU.
All I can think of now is this bit from the Branagh-Thompson version:
<img src="http://37.media.tumblr.com/23f08f8c4c2c4f8a291ced7757e2d7c4/tumblr_mwtpomapUb1qgvdf9o7_250.gif">
It kind of is that already, considering that "nothing" was Shakespearean slang for vagina. Even the title is a sex pun.