Also, I’ve had a guy PULL OUT ONE OF MY EARBUDS to ask me what I was listening to (literally nothing lol) and to tell me he spoke Japanese (I’m Chinese).
houblonchouffe+62
omg no no NONONONO
winterbymorning+110
I was walking down the street one day listening to music when a woman came up to me and grabbed me by the wrist. I froze and pulled my earbuds out and she smiled and asked me what time it was.
LADY, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU ASK PEOPLE IF THEY HAVE THE TIME.
Sometimes I really hate that my kneejerk reaction in these situations is to freeze and “play dead” instead of, say, shrieking and socking them on the jaw.
YoungLeafedJune+26
My fear/shock reaction is to freeze too. Not quite as useful as fight or flight.
leider_hosen+12
Yep, same. Very helpful.
Bryn (Plus Others)+41
Our default reaction was the freeze too, but after many years of self-defense classes it is now freeze-and-evaluate, which is more satisfying since now we are CHOOSING not to break their jaw. This time. Out of kindness.
RoseCamelia+114
I respond involuntarily with a loud, full voice “Hands off!” every time I am grabbed unexpectedly in public. I have had to apologize, for instance, to the very nice person who kept me from walking into traffic. But I’m not trying to change anything about this habit.
aqueousmedium+36
That is a fantastic involuntary tic to have! And honestly, 9 times out of 10 you’re probably deploying it correctly anyway.
winterbymorning+10
I need to train myself to do that!
dakimel+31
You’re a fainting goat at heart. That can’t really be a bad thing – them goats are a delight.
winterbymorning+41
IT’S TRUUUUE
microminutiae+28
When I first read Watership Down and discovered the concept of “tharn,” it was a bit of an epiphany. I’m like a deer or a rabbit trapped in headlights, aware of my impending doom, but unable to do a damned thing about it.
Tharn.
Teka Lynn+3
I jump about a foot. I have been known to shriek.
I should shriek more often.
somethingthatneedsnothing+33
OMG NO WHY WHY WOULD HE DO THAT THATS HORRIBLE NONONONONONONONONO
BessieMaeMucho+10
Bless his heart.
jhsaxena+69
I just gasped so loud all my coworkers turned around
blushingflower+4
UGH
kendrawcandraw+129
I had a dude gesture to me to take out my earbuds, which I did, like a fool, and got to listen to all the things he wanted to do to my body! I flipped him off out of shock and he said “No, I’m serious!”
GreenGrasses+120
Ohhhhh he’s serious. That makes it OK!
merrite+5
YIKES
AmazingSandwich+116
If he yet lives you are bountiful in your mercy.
boojum+10
MURDER!
PonyAlong+11
THE UNFATHOMABLE GALL and sweet baby Jeebus, just nononononononono.
amygriz+12
Ladies and Gentlemen…the nominees for the Worst Human Being on the Planet!!
mkpatter+14
AHHHHHH SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE
noodge4lyfe+26
this delighted me. I am currently replete with delight.
SmrtCookie+73
I want a print of this to hang on my wall. Man Cave<<<Misandrist Cave
Alli525+10
My least favorite thing about all House Hunters-esque shows is dudes who say they need/want a Man Cave. From now on, every time I hear it, I will replace it with “Misandrist Cave.” Just perfect.
msmuses+54
Oh god, I am always Woman #2. The wincing and the grimace that is perpetually invaded by a socially-obligated, nervous half-smile.
This is perfection.
jhsaxena+20
KENDRAAAAA
tubatoothpaste+5
That sounds about right :-/
farrisonhord+81
Oh I’m a huge bitch & a lesbian? Ok, great, bye!
ArsenioB_Ham+74
*innocently* Oh, are those supposed to be bad things?
badmuthahydra+7
Seriously. That awards +10 points on my Friendship application
farrisonhord+4
“Sooooo, why are you still here? I’m feeling pretty good with how we ended things.”
kristyq1+13
“Yes, thank you for noticing!” Though for me, personally, it’s the fat bitch thing, not the lesbian bitch thing. At least since I stopped shaving my head!
farrisonhord+7
Haha! It’s always something, right? I’m like, “Oh you self-absorbed little dicks, don’t you know I want to be the opposite of everything you hold dear?” DUH!!!
StillT+76
My fiancee has told me she spent years in Chicago perfecting approach #1. Sunglasses to avoid accidental eye contact. Headphones to drown out anyone who can’t take the first hint, and a cold, almost menacing look of “do not speak to me” for everyone who doesn’t get it from the sunglasses and the headphones. She says her, as she puts it, “resting bitch face,” is a residual effect of those cumulative experiences.
mmejoy+65
I take the same approach. I call it my bitch forcefield.
nopemobile+6
BITCH FORCEFIELD
alicia+53
A friend gave me a beautiful hat recently, and I was delighted to find that the brim is large enough that with the slightest dip of my head no one can make eye contact.
Taigan+40
Yup. Along with the ability to see everybody around me yet look like I’m focusing on nothing, I have cultivated a resting bitch face, too. I’m a friendly, open person, so it was hard to reconfigure my face to this extent. At first I just did it around guys, but there are suddenly a lot of “God the mother” women in New York who want to tell me about their awesome! maternal! religion! Even though I’m entirely areligious. So now little kids are the only people who don’t get the face by default. It’s pretty fun to watch their eyes light up when I go from giving my Dirty Harry look to a more relaxed expression.
It’s necessary. I nearly hit my brother when he told me that he broke my headphones. I own earbuds, but I’d invested in somewhat pricey headphones because they’re a more visible way to communicate when I’m in public that I am not interested in making conversation. The fact that the sound quality was better than earbuds was just a bonus.
He didn’t even replace them OR give me the money to do so, because he is the actual worst.
dakimel+49
Fratricide. The Romans named it centuries ago, so it can’t be precisely bad, I think.
Alli525+32
I self-taught myself this while still in college, anticipating the day I would move to NYC. My pro gear includes sunglasses, confident “I move for No Man” stride, and (in case I am inside and can’t wear sunglasses) a gaze that lands juuuuuuust above your left shoulder.
I am seldom bothered.
SarcasticFringehead+4
One of the main reasons that I’m sad it’s winter is that it’s already dark when I go to catch the bus and I have to rely on good old-fashioned thousand-yard stares to avoid eye contact (I mean, I could wear sunglasses, but while obscuring your vision is a great way to avoid eye contact, it’s maybe not a super-great idea when waiting for the bus in the dark downtown at a particularly…active bus stop).
NotThatAmy+41
I also have been blessed with a dead-eyed, thin-lipped, bitch face! Thanks, construction industry! I am less pleasant to talk to because of four (relatively benign!) years working in a male-dominated field.
It appears involuntarily now every time someone says something I know to be wrong, stupid, or bigoted. I have had men take a step back after it’s accidental deployment.
After two months at my current job I had a reputation as a totally unreasonably hard ass because of The Face. I have shamelessly cultivated this reputation.
Jen+2
How does she then not get told to SMILE constantly? My resting bitch face has had that unintended consequence more than a few times.
StillT+4
I don’t really know. Whenever the subject of street harassment comes up, she’s usually pretty confused by that as well. “How has this not happened to me? Is my RBF *that* strong?”
katmarie13+65
Woman #3 obviously perfected her expression from her study of Western Art History.
CordeliaFitz+15
What is the woman in the bottom middle panel holding? A blowtorch? A tiny lightsaber?
bunnybunny+2
Taser!
GreenGrasses+17
I think it’s a taser.
CordeliaFitz+1
that makes sense!
Hannah+1
Looks like a tazer
Goomaly+27
So, basically, a tiny lightsaber 😀
eleventysix+11
1 and 5 are me all day, everyday. Please, for the love of god, STOP TRYING TO TALK TO ME random street strangers.
GreenGrasses+77
#2 reminds me of every time a guy is like “yeah, of course harassing women works! they always talk to me!”
yes, they are talking to you because they are afraid of what you might do if they don’t.
MilesofMountain+23
“They always smile when I tell them they’re beautiful!” Dude, that’s not a smile…
thesarahgirl+106
This is sort of a subject change, but around the whole topic of street harassment, do any other women just… never have that happen to them? I always see “oh it’s not just pretty/thin/etc. women, even older women in sweatpants get harassed all the time” as though it’s this absolutely guaranteed fact about being a woman… but I’m 30 years old, and I’ve been spoken to by a strange man on the street maybe twice in my entire life? And I lived in DC for a while, and still spend a fair amount of time there. Same deal with online dating sites – I would get messages, sure, but I never got that utter deluge of sex-focused, rude men I always hear other women have to deal with.
Then that leads down a horrible thought path of “Am I just too ugly/plain to be harassed? Wait, why do I regret that I don’t get harassed?!” And I don’t want to start brainstorming “positive” reasons it might not happen (like, maybe I walk with such radiant confidence that men don’t even think about approaching uninvited, I have a good resting bitch face, etc.), because then it starts to sound like victim blaming to the women who do get harassed.
It’s just… weird. It makes me feel like less of a women sometimes, which is so utterly ridiculous, but it’s true!
ellensemple+22
I have had many of these same thoughts! Is there something “wrong” with me because I don’t get harassed? Or am I doing something “right” that prevents it? I am in my late 30s and can count on one hand the number of times I have received any unwanted attention, and that includes many years of working in NYC, riding on the subway, etc. It is, indeed, just weird. There seems to be no explanation for it.
winterbymorning+19
Same here (except without the late 30s/living in NYC part). I wonder if I get catcalled a lot more than I think and I just don’t realize it. I’m always listening to loud music when I’m outside by myself, and most of the time when I’m with another person that person is my husband, which probably dissuades a lot of gross street dudes (because they wouldn’t acknowledge my desire not to talk to them, but they would respect the fact that I already “belong” to another man, ugh, gag me).
cosmia+17
I wonder this too – I know I definitely get catcalled more when I don’t have headphones on, probably because dudes see it as an invitation to bother me, but I’m not sure if I get catcalled less when I’m listening to music/podcasts, or if I just can’t hear them.
I’m also REALLY unobservant and tend to not notice what people are doing around me if it’s subtle, so if a guy scopes me out and makes a leery face or a gross gesture or something, I probably wouldn’t even know.
keristars+15
Haha, yes.
But tbh I suspect that I’m just mostly oblivious to it, and I live/work in a relatively safe space. I’ve had more creepy encounters from people as a job hazard (front desk right across the street from a city park downtown) than walking around.
On the third hand, when I was 12 years old, I was specifically and quite clearly told that a predator was ignoring me and treating me badly because I was too ugly and awkward to sexually molest. This was a very specific intimidation/threatening tactic used against me and my mom, and even though I’ve gone to therapy, I don’t really know how deeply it’s been ingrained in me, or the way it changed my self-perception, versus general not fitting in with classmates and so on (did I start to Not Care About fashion/looking nice because of him and thinking it would protect me? but I didn’t really think of him all that much once we left his sphere of influence, so maybe it was just me being awkward…).
So because of that asshole creep, I’ve always half assumed that I don’t get bothered much because I am too off-putting and ugly. But most likely I’m just lucky, since I still get plenty of creeps at my admissions desk.
erinsnarks+61
There could be a million reasons, and it’s probably any number of them combined. Since harrassers are often just throwing as wide and random a net as they can, lots of women will get caught in it but some won’t. It could just be a coincidence that you’re the one that hasn’t been, over and over.
On the other hand, I often suspect harassers consciously or subconsciously choose targets they feel are safe; women who are alone, obviously, and women who seem like they won’t be willing to cause a scene or who might break down satisfyingly or feel they have to respond “politely”… someone they can have power over. Perhaps you give off a no-point-fucking-with-me vibe that some of them pick up on so that they go on to the next, simpler target. And I bet that vibe has only gotten stronger since maybe you don’t leave your house wondering what fresh hell awaits you at every turn today (with bonus fresh memories of yesterday’s hells). NB THIS IS NOT TO SAY WOMEN ARE DOING THIS TO THEMSELVES BY BEING VICTIM-Y, OBVS THE HARASSERS ARE THE MONSTERS HERE.
Finally, I “haven’t been” harassed nearly as often since I developed a podcast addiction… which I realize might only mean I’m not hearing the blow-by comments over my ipod, but I’m fine with that. 🙂 So uh… how’s your hearing? 😉
testingwithfire+36
I’ve always received a lot less welcome AND unwelcome male attention than other women of my same age/attractiveness level talk about. I do think the two go together, sadly. Social scientists, a study, please!
I have classic introvert shutdown face and I’m pretty high-strung, both of which i think are deterrents. As I’ve aged I’ve gotten a lot less polite to boot. I’m also fairly tall and somewhat wiry, that is if I’m not eating a lot of chocolate mousse. 🙂
I tend to get more attention in the form of inquisitive looks and whatnot when I’ve been ill and my energy level is down. Nothing like that tubercular, easily-overpowered aura. Happened yesterday. Fascinating (raises one Spock-like eyebrow).
Atalanta_Is+19
Yeah, this maps to my experiences — I’m reasonably attractive, I think, and men have approached me, but I have serious resting bitchface and am fairly tall and “solid-looking”, according to my mom (which I’m pretty sure means that I look reasonably athletic, take up space, and am perfectly willing to walk straight into men who don’t get out of the way).
Conversely, the worst year for street harassment for me was when I was 13 (hahaha good lord) and had hit puberty early and was very uncomfortable with it, and was the sort of shy and mousy that would cringe whenever anyone looked at me. When I’m sick or sad, I become more of a target, etc.
BourneApprox+13
That sounds about right for me as well. I’m not bad looking (if I may say so myself, hmmhm), but I’ve never really had that much unwanted male attention. And I also had a big problem attracting guys back when I was single, d’oh. “Classic introvert shutdown face and…pretty high-strung” is also a perfect description of me, though. The attention has gone down even more since I married my husband and started wearing a ring. Nice quiet subway rides, woohoo!
Though I did have an obviously high woman in her 40s flirt with me and ask where I got my haircut when I was on a train last month. But that just was cool and hilarious.
celery+4
Thank goodness I’m not the only one. The only explanation I thought of that doesn’t sound either self-deprecating or victim-blame-y is “maybe I’m always too lost in thought to notice.”
lilsebastian01+18
Ditto. Could have written this comment verbatim. It’s a weird headfuck, but I think it’s definitely the better thing to have happen. I wish I knew what I was doing so I could give it to all other women (mostly for them, but also a little bit for me so I wouldn’t feel so invisible).
brigidkeely+17
“It’s just… weird. It makes me feel like less of a women sometimes, which is so utterly ridiculous, but it’s true! ”
That’s another form of harassment, actually! And I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, it sucks.
One thing I’ve noticed, and I’m not saying it happens to you, but one thing I’ve noticed is a lot of women who protest they never get street harassed or never notice street harassment will later go on to list the stuff they go through that “isn’t street harassment, it’s just, y’know, stuff” because it’s so normalized. OTOH, my personal experiences of street harassment have tapered off over the past few years due largely to 1) the neighborhood I live in and 2) no longer looking 16. I’ve always been a potato-shaped big fat fatty, so that’s absolutely not a deterrent.
th0rnz+25
I don’t really think you can say that when people do not catcall and someone doubts themselves because of this that that is harassment. Harassment is an action on the behalf of someone and not an omission or a way of feeling. You can feel harassed, but that is a very specific thing, and it’s the feeling you get when someone is bothering you.
Maybe I have missed your point, but whilst it is a shame that some women feel worse because they don’t get catcalled, that is absolutely not harassment. It’s kind of like Richard and Judy’s daughter calling trolls “terrorists”, i.e. a bit ridiculous.
RoseCamelia+56
Posture (ing), gait, facial expression – these can be factors.
I used to ride the El to and from the dangerous neighborhood where I lived alone in Philadelphia. I wore my “El Face” on the walk to and from train as well as on the platform. I also carried a large umbrella with a long, sharp metal tip, rain or shine. People actually crossed the street to get away from me.
Posture and gait work for me naturally. I present an honest depiction of irritation and short fuse because it’s generally true. Now, who is going to be stupid enough to *ask* for my attention?
I no longer live alone, no longer carry the giant umbrella, and no longer live in bad neighborhoods, but I maintain the facial, gait, and posture habits when alone in public.
I hate that all this is necessary. It shouldn’t be. But be safe, Toastfriends.
BourneApprox+32
“People actually crossed the street to get away from me.” Teach me your art.
twoburgers+17
Hm, I wonder if posture/gait is a factor for this never happens to me – I walk ridiculously fast everywhere I go when I am alone and I’ve been told I look serious and like I’m “on a mission” and focused while doing so.
artsandvice+12
I walk super fast and am mildly pissed off at all the people who are IN MY WAY and I think that saves me from a lot of bother. Almost every occurrence of harassment I can think of has happened when I’m stopped, at an intersection or on a train or something.
nopemobile+10
YES, this describes my experience perfectly! Today I was crossing the green where some baby Marines were running around, and their adult Marines guy who was just kind of standing obnoxiously in the middle of the path literally scampered out of my way when he saw me coming. I grumpfaced all the way back to work, but secretly I was ecstatic.
laurenipsum+12
I actually had a panhandler approach me from the side, start his spiel, walk two steps alongside me and then when he realized how fast I was walking, veered off muttering “forget it.” So I think fast walking is actually quite effective. I just walk fast naturally though, I don’t think everyone should have to cultivate it as a defense mechanism 🙁
Goomaly+4
I’ve only been harassed once, and I’m 34. It was a douche who rode by on a bike while i was walking, and said something gross, I don’t remember what.
Then again I have superior tunnel vision, so maybe it’s happened more and I just didn’t notice?
It’s just chance, luck, whatever you want to call it.
longlostlullaby+33
I get very little street harassment too, and I spent the last 9 years walking and taking public transportation in big cities. I also get very few men who approach me in social situations in a positive way, like at bars or parties where I am open to social contact and trying to put myself out there. Every guy I’ve ever dated or hooked up with has either been someone in my friend circle or someone I met online. I’m pretty sure the two are linked. Somehow I’m just a little bit invisible to guys who don’t already know me. I find it annoying when I’d actually like to meet guys at parties or bars or weddings or wherever, but if the trade off is being ignored by guys on the street as well, I will 100% take it. I’d rather be invisible to catcallers and look for dates online.
thecaitd+16
Yes, I am in this sub-club of the Rarely Get Catcalled Club. Why can’t the guys I find attractive just magically know to approach me, and all other men stay away? Surely science can solve this!
cavedueller+9
I am also in this sub-club, BUT, I am in the lesbian sub-sub club, so basically my life is all puppies and flowers.
Except, women don’t notice me either. Sometimes literally. (Has anyone else had actual fears that they, like, died earlier today or went through some kind of portal and are now an invisible and intangible spirit walking around, and that’s why everyone is ignoring them? I may have identified a little too hard with the movie Ghost and that one episode of Stargate.)
redrobin5+19
I know talking about differences in harassment depending on how women dress/present is really loaded but there are factors that influence it! Not least, the type of harassment woc get is surely a bit different (and probably more straight-up offensive depending on where you are) from the type of harassment I get even if it all sucks balls.
I notice a tenfold increase in hassle if I wear bare legs, more if there’s a dress involved. I could basically plot incidences of harassment in correlation with how clearly I’m signalling ‘feminine’. I dress more boyish than perhaps I would like sometimes in awareness of this.
PeaceBang+23
I get way more unwanted comments and attention with long hair than I did with short hair. Wearing a high ponytail or cute hat are always guarantees I’ll get hellos. I am comfortable giving aggressive, funny responses, so it’s okay for the most part but I have to feel safe. For some reason, when I wear a bright scarf in my hair that seems to be regarded as a mating call. I am an old, fat lady. It has nothing to do with weight, in my experience, although rejections are always subject to the classic “fat bitch” accusation.
Steph+7
Yep. It was something watching how many more people interacted with me when I had shoulder-length hair, even when it was pinned up, than my usual short hair. And not just obnoxiously/creepily! People suddenly started opening doors, letting me through the metro doors first, the “after you” gestures, etc at a far higher rate than before. Chopped all my hair off because ugh, long hair, and that’s fizzled.
Goomaly+7
But not too boyish, right? Because that gets attention, too.
There must be some balance we’re achieving without being aware of it…
Household_Opera+4
I’ve noticed this too. I think most of the time I’m too androgynous (tall, short-haired, flat-chested, pants-wearing, non-made-up) to even ping a lot of these guys’ “WOMAN! MUST CATCALL!” radars. It’s much more likely to happen on the rare occasions when I’m wearing a dress. But I don’t know what would happen if I were walking around in, say, a suit and tie.
artsandvice+5
Lipstick = please everyone talk to me, apparently
Unreadaethel+4
Also tank tops. Because the fact that it’s 90 degrees outside clearly means I would like you to remind me that I have breasts. Thank you.
PonyAlong+16
Can I sit at this table, too? I’m conflicted over this as well, but it’s partly due to being harassed daily, by dudes and female peers, for being “weird and ugly” throughout elementary and high school which has, unfortunately, left me with some baggage around my appearance. I want the validation of “hey, not bad” so my sad little inner tween can go “suck it, long ago bullies, I’m just as attractive as you” but at the same time, I’m hating the attention because it’s so fucking rude AND it makes me uncomfortable (again due to being deliberately stared at as a youngster with the always accompanying “you’re weird/ugly” comment).
GAH! (Ironically enough, my mother was a great fashionista but because she was wrapped up in her own stressed out world, she couldn’t see what was going on during those years and I couldn’t tell her for whatever reason. Poor woman, she tried, though; through her, I got a great love for Vogue magazine, beautiful shoes and really well made clothing).
logicbutton+15
I’ve found this to be a comforting read on the subject of complicated feelings toward street harassment or a lack thereof.
ArsenioB_Ham+5
THANK YOU for that link.
cuminafterall+8
It’s funny, for a long time I thought I didn’t get a lot of street harassment (and maybe I didn’t, but I WAS pretty oblivious to everything that went on around me). Then I started going to a new gym and got harassed on my way there EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Eventually I changed my walking route to avoid the worst offenders.
The other thing is, I’m used to a culture of people greeting each other in public. Maybe it’s a Southern thing, maybe it differs by neighborhood, but I’m used to people saying “Good Morning” to strangers (men and women) and calling out to acquaintances when you see them across the street. So unless somebody whistles or makes kissy noises or says something explicitly harass-y to me, I tend not to register it like that.
coloredlights+4
Yeah, I don’t get harassed a lot either, despite 7 years of living in NYC in extremely diverse neighborhoods and taking the subway daily. I think part of it is that sometimes I look recognizably queer (though not always). I’m also a minority in my current neighborhood and while you’d think that would make it worse, I think it maybe makes me less approachable? And I flat-out never get approached by random dudes trying to chat or hit on me in public places.
Though the other day I got catcalled by two guys within two blocks while I was walking home from the gym in gross clothes and carrying groceries, so more likely there’s just no logic to any of it whatsoever. Hooray.
MilesofMountain+8
I don’t get harassed a lot either. It’s definitely partly regional, since it was definitely way worse in Ontario than BC and who knew Yellowknife was a hotbed of inappropriate street comments? I usually blame my resting bitchface and “purposeful walk”, which I don’t mean to sound like I’m blaming those who do get harassed because they shouldn’t have to change how their face looks just to walk down the street! I also wonder if it’s because I’m kind of nondescript-looking, to the point where I used to have a bit of a complex about being invisible to people. The times I do get comments often seem to be when I’m dressed in an unusually flashy way.
robotneedslove+14
I don’t get harrassed that much, although maybe more than you? (Uggggh we’re all losing this race.) I think it’s definitely my height, posture, body language, bitchface, and propensity to wear sunglasses. Also, even when I’m showing skin, my clothes tend towards serious/dark/’badass’. I cultivate an intimidating look. But I consider myself attractive! Just not a good mark on the street.
Same, for the most part, with online dating for me. It’s not that I’m not attractive. I’m just intimidating.
Lately my bitchface has gotten so good that even the Greenpeace canvassers on the street don’t talk to me. FREEDOM
ETA: I really hope this doesn’t seem like I’m blaming people for getting harassed. God no! Not everyone should look like a massive intimidating bitch. And not looking like one is not asking for harassment, not at all, not ever.
Steph+5
I don’t get much either, but I actively cultivate a face that reads “Cross me and I will end you” with a gait to match, so I’ve chalked it up to that. Plus I’m tall-ish, fat-ish, and generally look like someone whose ancestors were all peasants, so I guess I’m too sturdy looking to look like an easy target? I have no idea.
twoburgers+5
I understand this 100%. I’ve only ever had strange men talk to me at one particular bus stop a few times. I can’t remember ever being yelled at from a car or anybody driving down the street. These discussions always lead to a painfully honest conversation with myself where I ask myself these same questions – What’s wrong with me? Or, what am I doing right that dissuades them? I have to force the latter, though. How messed-up is it that I feel ugly and like less of a woman because strange men don’t shout their desire at me? I don’t want strangers talking to me, so this should make me happy!
I don’t know. I don’t think there are any easy answers. It does make me feel better though to know that I’m not alone in this.
Alluvial_Fan+6
Some of us deploy natural forcefields that deflect the male gaze.
sarahkrwrites+3
Yeah, this is weird. I’ve occasionally gotten street harassed, but I online dated for about two months and got maybe one strange message and it wasn’t even sexual in nature. Even guys I turned down were very polite about it. I’m not sure how I avoided the typical gross messages. My roommate joined the same dating site, in the same city, and got tons of gross messages immediately. I think we’re relatively equal in terms of physical attractiveness. I also moved to a larger city six months ago and I haven’t gotten harassed here yet, but I frequently get approached for directions, so I can’t be that intimidating?
Ash
Could you send me a picture of your face so I can print out a mask? If your forcefield is powerful enough to work on the internet, I want some.
j_bird+1
I don’t get sexually harassed that much, but I do get rather aggressively asked for directions. I’ll be jogging or very obviously talking on my cell phone while walking, and people will pull over and honk or get in my face and say, “How do you get to _______?” Sometimes there will be a polite “Excuse me, can I ask you directions,” but often there’s this impatient, almost hostile, air of expectation. I get that sometimes you’re in a hurry to get somewhere or you’re trying not to hold up traffic in your car, but really, people.
Janet
That happens to me too! Once a pedestrian yelled out asking me for directions when I was in my car and was just starting to accelerate after stopping at a stop sign. I was actually *in motion*.
I think it’s true that street harassers target some women more than others. I used to get harassed when I was younger, but it hasn’t happened in years. Which is not to say that middle aged women don’t get harassed, just that we are less likely to be targets.
ProfPumps+3
I have noticed that the amount of street harassment I get (which was never huge, but was fairly regular) has rapidly decreased in recent years. I wondered if it was a combo of getting older and less conventionally attractive, even though I know those things don’t stop harassers in general. But then I noticed that in some places – NYC, most noticeably – I still get harassed a fair amount. So I realized it’s actually (the parts of) Boston (I usually traverse) that remain more or less harassment free. So I wonder if there’s cities/spaces that are more harassment hot spots than others?
[Edited to add: I moved to Boston (from Austin) four years ago, which is when the harassment decreased.]
Canary+4
I don’t get much either–the occasional shout from a car, but I’ve only been stopped/shouted at by other pedestrians once or twice. Part of it is living in a smaller city, but I think for me it’s mostly that I’m 6′ tall and not particularly thin. I’m in the same or greater height/weight range as most men, which I think does a lot to discourage them.
starsofthesea+6
I (short, round, plain clothing, perpetual bitchface) never really get street-harassed, except the occasional demands to smile. I’m quite content to be ignored, but I have trouble talking about that because I feel like I’m saying “hey ladies, if you want men to leave you alone, just gain some weight and start wearing shapeless cardigans!”
leahrobinn+7
For me this is all tied up with the weird envy I get when people come out of the woodwork about something they’ve had to be silent about for years (forever, etc), and all of a sudden they’ve found a whole community of people who’ve been having those same experiences, and they can commiserate – I know, how awful that you can find community by relating to others’ stories of harrassment/discrimination! Ugh! But then there’s this flipside where if you can’t commiserate because you haven’t shared those experiences, you feel left out. Suddenly everyone gets to talk about this awful thing and feel a little bit better and you’re left wondering, what did I do wrong? How come I don’t get to be part of this? It’s so messed up, but it’s most definitely nothing you should feel at fault for.
bookwormV+1
I almost never do, and I have similar feelings to you about it. It’s weird, as you say.
nicoledieker+10
What’s the policy on embedding this image on my Tumblr? Because Tumblr needs to see this, AND The Toast and Kendra need to get credit.
These are all perfect and great, although sometimes the last panel leads to “Oh okay let me honk at you instead!” I need a crossbow. A tiny crossbow, purse-size. But a crossbow, nonetheless.
Nelly+11
Now on a mission to find a purse-sized crossbow, and an endless supply of tiny pointy arrows.
leahrobinn+3
Oh, yes. That, exactly. Or a slingshot, because then projectiles issue is solved by any random pebble, nut, stick. I would kickstart that thing.
kjschapira+23
Building on this: if you are or appear to be white, harassers (of all races) seem less likely to see you as a safe target. This is because of a giant clusterfuck of historical and cultural attitudes that many people have written about more directly and eloquently than I can here (check out the #YouOKSIS and #NotJustHello tags on Twitter, if you use Twitter, as a starting point).
Harassment opportunities exist in the mind of the harasser, as I think this comic shows really vividly; it’s not something the harassee does wrong or right.
dianabhurlburt+79
the 4th one is so fucking on (I mean they all are). one time I was out at a pub with five other female friends and we were talking and drinking and having a great time and this dude just COMES UP and SITS DOWN and STARTS TALKING TO US. hilariously he managed to get into an argument with every single woman present because guess what, rando dude? you hit the jackpot of overeducated, opinionated, feminist women who don’t have the time of day for you.
we left quite soon after that, without rando dude.
what possesses a man to see a table of women clearly enjoying themselves and think, Oh you know what they need is MY STERLING COMPANY
thecheapshot+19
OMG – a guy in a group I was out with did this to a random group of girls. He just went over and started drinking their wine and asking questions. Everyone in my group laughed it off as ‘isn’t he hilarious, he’s so socially awkward!!!1! LOLOL’ but I was fucking enraged. If it was just about how socially awkward he was, why didn’t he go up to a large group of guys and start drinking their beers and saying stupid stuff?! UGH, my blood’s boiling just thinking about it again.
blurb+3
thsarahgirl–
I live in DC, and used to live in NYC. Got harassed *constantly* in New York, literally not at all, not once in ~5 years in DC, and I don’t look any different than I did before, apart from being older (mid-30s).
I’ve concluded that DC is not a very harassy place, at least if you’re white (which I am). But I’m kind of fascinated by it.
cleo+18
I relate to this. I’m old enough (45) that I no longer get street harassed and rarely get random unwanted male attention and sometimes I catch myself sort of wondering what happened. I don’t think I ever got a lot of street harassment, even in my baby-faced twenties, even living in Chicago, but it definitely disappeared in my 30s, probably min 30s.
My feelings about this are kind of complicated. I spent my teens and early 20s actively trying to avoid the male gaze, actively trying to hide myself and my body from unwanted male attention. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gradually become much more comfortable in my body and with my sexuality. And at 45 I’m probably more comfortable with myself and my appearance than I’ve ever been. And it’s odd to realize that I’m now mostly invisible to men. At least to random men I don’t know. It’s kind of odd to miss something that I never, ever wanted. And then I get mad at myself, because I didn’t enjoy unwanted male attention when I was younger and I do enjoy the many benefits of middle age (could do without the hot flashes though).
cleo+1
argh – this was supposed to be in reply to thesarahgirl
Pocket_Witch+82
One time I told my brother that if he ever catcalls a woman, I will murder him in his sleep.
This attitude might be a contributing factor to the time my dad said I intimidate men, and that’s why I’m forever single.
RoseCamelia+96
I intimidate men. I am married to a man who finds that attractive and delightful. He uses me as a threat. “Do I have to ask Rose to talk with you about this?”
rhymeswitheight+32
Between this and your pointy umbrella as weapon strategy mentioned upthread, I think I’ve found my new hero.
Es_Petal+11
I also intimidate men. I like it!
logicbutton+107
When my brother was a teenager, I once drove him and one of his friends somewhere and stopped at the bank on the way. I went through the drive-up window, conducted my business, the teller said, “Have a nice night!” and as I drove away, my brother shouted, “Hey, how ’bout a night with me sometime?”
Reader, I hit him in the face.
Pocket_Witch+13
Well done.
(ugh teenage boys)
robotneedslove+26
Thumbs up for intimidating women!
My boyfriend does not seem to mind. He actually gets a kick out of it. We went to a Halloween party and he was dressed all slutty and kept getting hit on by women. He told me that it was fun to watch how they ghosted when they realized he was with me because I have a “presence” and “take over a room” and was obviously somehow in charge. Which I am! At all times!
I don’t even mean to intimidate those women, they can hit on my boyfriend all they want it’s no big deal. I try much harder to intimidate men.
GreenGrasses+54
The highest compliment I’ve ever been given is when a man at my old workplace said “you scare me.”
Pocket_Witch+25
It is indeed a high compliment.
I told some of my guy friends that apparently I intimidate men, and one of them was like “yeah, you kinda do…” I responded with delighted cackling.
Steph+4
I aspire to this.
Beakses+9
Intimidating men is a useful weed-out factor enabling you to find superlative partner material more efficiently. Or at least that’s what I told myself as I watched yet another man scamper away at a college party after I told him my hobby was judo “as in arm-bars, chokes, throws, that sort of thing, not judo chops,” said with a smile, naturally.
My husband thinks it’s awesome, although he is somewhat frustrated that he has exactly a 0% chance of ever winning a tickle fight.
nopemobile+3
brb writing this in my nearly-18-year-old brother’s upcoming birthday card. just, you know, standard wishes as someone sets off on the path of new manhood.
deleted9457019+16
Tasers, man. There should be a tax deduction for purchasing them for self defense.
mkpatter+96
I like how “bitch and lesbian” are like somehow the worst insults these dudes can come up with. UM. BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME, KINDLY FUCK THE FUCK OFF.
dakimel+36
It’s because they know they have no workaround defense against either.
When we are lesbians, when we choose to be bitches, they have lost.
floridagal1+18
haha yeah. Street harassy dudes are always calling me various slurs for lesbian, and I’m like COOL STORY BRO, if you think I’m not into dudes then why not leave me alone ???
perianwen+12
Day 3 of my headphones-in-during-commute experiment is going very well, so far no unwanted conversations. *fingers crossed*
artheophilus+20
Same here. I have wondered if it’s because I’m tall (5’10). My shorter friends tell me horror stories and it’s not like I’ve never been harassed, but it was nothing to the degree they have described. I have a theory that my height makes me seem more intimidating like a puffer fish or a frill neck lizard trolling its enemies in the wild. I also have severe tunnel vision like some of the other posters, so maybe I just don’t notice.
artheophilus
This should be in response to @thesarahgirl
Misst_123+1
Yep.
mabissam+57
“But, like, what am I supposed to do, just never talk to women in public at all?”
kendrawcandraw+47
If ya gotta ask that question, dudes, the answer is YES
w00bliette+35
Yes. You, specifically, reductivist dude, are never allowed to talk to women in public again forever. Or in private. You’d be doing us all a favor, really.
mkpatter+16
All men must go through my chaperone (my dog) before they are allowed to speak with me.
Unreadaethel+22
I used to take that bait and explain that no, of course nobody was saying that, it’s ok to talk to women but don’t be a jerk. Then something snapped, I stopped caring, and I now just say, “yes. stop talking. you are the problem.” My life is at least 75% better than it was when I cared.
mrtafadhali+36
I usually do this, but I have discovered that if someone touches my shoulder or neck area from behind I will instinctively Angela Merkel. Ideally, my fists of panic will hit them in the face and they will never touch my shoulders and or neck again. It’s nice to know there’s at least one situation where my automatic responses are suitably defensive.
EDIT: This was a response to winterbymorning way up there, but intensedebate is doing weird things?
mirandawmeyer+12
Apparently “I am avoiding looking at or interacting with you” = “please, please continue to stare at me all the time in class!”
MEN
Alluvial_Fan+21
I find a slow reveal of my teeth really deflects a lot of crap. It’s a perfect teeth-baring, lip-curling, just enough of a smile blend.
V_Hardapple+4
I need a gif. Followed by a good 30 minutes in front of a mirror to perfect it myself. This is delightfully unhinged and I don’t doubt it’s effectiveness for a second.
DishKit+6
I’m currently nursing myself through a vicious migraine and insomnia, and clearly the Toast was the right place to go for additional healing. Kendra, I absolutely love this. This entire comments section is giving me life. I love that here we can talk about those things that people never talk about.
Galit+8
Yeah I’m seconding the scarf thing – or any other very visible accessory. I feel like I get more harassement if there is something about my appearance that stands out or is easy to comment about – like a scarf, for example. I also get a lot of comments if I’m wearing my hair naturally because it’s really big and curly, which is unusual in Southern California, so it stands out more. When I wear my hair straight I get fewer/different comments. Generally I think harassement is more a crime of opportunity, and has nothing to do with you (what you look like, how attractive you are), and more to do with whether or not the guy could come up with something to say that he thinks sounds clever.
galeforcewind+12
Thanks Kendra, for always depicting us women as diverse as we are!
Dan+7
I think the lesson for any man here is do not talk to woman, let them approach you.
le garcon+1
Hey, hey girl. Hey, smile!
Pear
Oh, thank you! I was wondering if I was too mouthy, but, well.
A similar thing happened in this thread (the dude deleted his replies so that's why this is a screenshot). Both involve someone getting offended that I called out a non-malicious but still microaggressive dude, because if that's racism, then someone else in their life would have also been racist, and that's a Very Bad Thing To Call Someone.
It's a classic derail which ignores context (hi: whiteness and patriarchy!), assumes calling someone racist is a deep insult and slur on their character rather than an observation of structurally ingrained/supported behaviour, and re-positions other PoC as the target of unfruitful anger. It all adds up to protecting white men's rights to speak however they like to WoC, and it means the PoC who can see the forest for the trees are again talked down to and devalued.
As to which: (╯ಠ_ಠ)╯︵ uǝɯ
Lith+2
Yeah, some places are weird. In one town I’d have would-be johns ask if I ‘working’ every day, but I’d hardly ever get any actual harassment. (I don’t count those as harassment because they’d invariably drive away dying of embarrassment)
dorianneemmerton+5
The other day a dude told me to smile & when I ignored him he yelled “If you don’t understand English go back to where you came from.” Which was weird because I’m white.
bookwormV+10
Also, if you didn’t understand English you wouldn’t understand his instruction to go back where you came from. Logic fail, Mr Street Harasser!
Dorianne Emmerton
The other day a dude told me to smile & when I ignored him he yelled "If you don't understand English go back to where you came from." Which was weird because I'm white.
April
I am six feet tall. When I was a teenager I still got a lot of harassment when I would walk along a busy road home from work. Nite that I am in my 30s the only unwanted comments I get are actually in regards to my height. "You're a talk drink of water" muttered add I walk by.
Perfect!
100% correct.
yayyyy i love it.
yes
Amen.
Also, I’ve had a guy PULL OUT ONE OF MY EARBUDS to ask me what I was listening to (literally nothing lol) and to tell me he spoke Japanese (I’m Chinese).
omg no no NONONONO
I was walking down the street one day listening to music when a woman came up to me and grabbed me by the wrist. I froze and pulled my earbuds out and she smiled and asked me what time it was.
LADY, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU ASK PEOPLE IF THEY HAVE THE TIME.
Sometimes I really hate that my kneejerk reaction in these situations is to freeze and “play dead” instead of, say, shrieking and socking them on the jaw.
My fear/shock reaction is to freeze too. Not quite as useful as fight or flight.
Yep, same. Very helpful.
Our default reaction was the freeze too, but after many years of self-defense classes it is now freeze-and-evaluate, which is more satisfying since now we are CHOOSING not to break their jaw. This time. Out of kindness.
I respond involuntarily with a loud, full voice “Hands off!” every time I am grabbed unexpectedly in public. I have had to apologize, for instance, to the very nice person who kept me from walking into traffic. But I’m not trying to change anything about this habit.
That is a fantastic involuntary tic to have! And honestly, 9 times out of 10 you’re probably deploying it correctly anyway.
I need to train myself to do that!
You’re a fainting goat at heart. That can’t really be a bad thing – them goats are a delight.
IT’S TRUUUUE
When I first read Watership Down and discovered the concept of “tharn,” it was a bit of an epiphany. I’m like a deer or a rabbit trapped in headlights, aware of my impending doom, but unable to do a damned thing about it.
Tharn.
I jump about a foot. I have been known to shriek.
I should shriek more often.
OMG NO WHY WHY WOULD HE DO THAT THATS HORRIBLE NONONONONONONONONO
Bless his heart.
I just gasped so loud all my coworkers turned around
UGH
I had a dude gesture to me to take out my earbuds, which I did, like a fool, and got to listen to all the things he wanted to do to my body! I flipped him off out of shock and he said “No, I’m serious!”
Ohhhhh he’s serious. That makes it OK!
YIKES
If he yet lives you are bountiful in your mercy.
MURDER!
THE UNFATHOMABLE GALL and sweet baby Jeebus, just nononononononono.
Ladies and Gentlemen…the nominees for the Worst Human Being on the Planet!!
AHHHHHH SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE
this delighted me. I am currently replete with delight.
I want a print of this to hang on my wall. Man Cave<<<Misandrist Cave
My least favorite thing about all House Hunters-esque shows is dudes who say they need/want a Man Cave. From now on, every time I hear it, I will replace it with “Misandrist Cave.” Just perfect.
Oh god, I am always Woman #2. The wincing and the grimace that is perpetually invaded by a socially-obligated, nervous half-smile.
This is perfection.
KENDRAAAAA
That sounds about right :-/
Oh I’m a huge bitch & a lesbian? Ok, great, bye!
*innocently* Oh, are those supposed to be bad things?
Seriously. That awards +10 points on my Friendship application
“Sooooo, why are you still here? I’m feeling pretty good with how we ended things.”
“Yes, thank you for noticing!” Though for me, personally, it’s the fat bitch thing, not the lesbian bitch thing. At least since I stopped shaving my head!
Haha! It’s always something, right? I’m like, “Oh you self-absorbed little dicks, don’t you know I want to be the opposite of everything you hold dear?” DUH!!!
My fiancee has told me she spent years in Chicago perfecting approach #1. Sunglasses to avoid accidental eye contact. Headphones to drown out anyone who can’t take the first hint, and a cold, almost menacing look of “do not speak to me” for everyone who doesn’t get it from the sunglasses and the headphones. She says her, as she puts it, “resting bitch face,” is a residual effect of those cumulative experiences.
I take the same approach. I call it my bitch forcefield.
BITCH FORCEFIELD
A friend gave me a beautiful hat recently, and I was delighted to find that the brim is large enough that with the slightest dip of my head no one can make eye contact.
Yup. Along with the ability to see everybody around me yet look like I’m focusing on nothing, I have cultivated a resting bitch face, too. I’m a friendly, open person, so it was hard to reconfigure my face to this extent. At first I just did it around guys, but there are suddenly a lot of “God the mother” women in New York who want to tell me about their awesome! maternal! religion! Even though I’m entirely areligious. So now little kids are the only people who don’t get the face by default. It’s pretty fun to watch their eyes light up when I go from giving my Dirty Harry look to a more relaxed expression.
It’s necessary. I nearly hit my brother when he told me that he broke my headphones. I own earbuds, but I’d invested in somewhat pricey headphones because they’re a more visible way to communicate when I’m in public that I am not interested in making conversation. The fact that the sound quality was better than earbuds was just a bonus.
He didn’t even replace them OR give me the money to do so, because he is the actual worst.
Fratricide. The Romans named it centuries ago, so it can’t be precisely bad, I think.
I self-taught myself this while still in college, anticipating the day I would move to NYC. My pro gear includes sunglasses, confident “I move for No Man” stride, and (in case I am inside and can’t wear sunglasses) a gaze that lands juuuuuuust above your left shoulder.
I am seldom bothered.
One of the main reasons that I’m sad it’s winter is that it’s already dark when I go to catch the bus and I have to rely on good old-fashioned thousand-yard stares to avoid eye contact (I mean, I could wear sunglasses, but while obscuring your vision is a great way to avoid eye contact, it’s maybe not a super-great idea when waiting for the bus in the dark downtown at a particularly…active bus stop).
I also have been blessed with a dead-eyed, thin-lipped, bitch face! Thanks, construction industry! I am less pleasant to talk to because of four (relatively benign!) years working in a male-dominated field.
It appears involuntarily now every time someone says something I know to be wrong, stupid, or bigoted. I have had men take a step back after it’s accidental deployment.
After two months at my current job I had a reputation as a totally unreasonably hard ass because of The Face. I have shamelessly cultivated this reputation.
How does she then not get told to SMILE constantly? My resting bitch face has had that unintended consequence more than a few times.
I don’t really know. Whenever the subject of street harassment comes up, she’s usually pretty confused by that as well. “How has this not happened to me? Is my RBF *that* strong?”
Woman #3 obviously perfected her expression from her study of Western Art History.
What is the woman in the bottom middle panel holding? A blowtorch? A tiny lightsaber?
Taser!
I think it’s a taser.
that makes sense!
Looks like a tazer
So, basically, a tiny lightsaber 😀
1 and 5 are me all day, everyday. Please, for the love of god, STOP TRYING TO TALK TO ME random street strangers.
#2 reminds me of every time a guy is like “yeah, of course harassing women works! they always talk to me!”
yes, they are talking to you because they are afraid of what you might do if they don’t.
“They always smile when I tell them they’re beautiful!” Dude, that’s not a smile…
This is sort of a subject change, but around the whole topic of street harassment, do any other women just… never have that happen to them? I always see “oh it’s not just pretty/thin/etc. women, even older women in sweatpants get harassed all the time” as though it’s this absolutely guaranteed fact about being a woman… but I’m 30 years old, and I’ve been spoken to by a strange man on the street maybe twice in my entire life? And I lived in DC for a while, and still spend a fair amount of time there. Same deal with online dating sites – I would get messages, sure, but I never got that utter deluge of sex-focused, rude men I always hear other women have to deal with.
Then that leads down a horrible thought path of “Am I just too ugly/plain to be harassed? Wait, why do I regret that I don’t get harassed?!” And I don’t want to start brainstorming “positive” reasons it might not happen (like, maybe I walk with such radiant confidence that men don’t even think about approaching uninvited, I have a good resting bitch face, etc.), because then it starts to sound like victim blaming to the women who do get harassed.
It’s just… weird. It makes me feel like less of a women sometimes, which is so utterly ridiculous, but it’s true!
I have had many of these same thoughts! Is there something “wrong” with me because I don’t get harassed? Or am I doing something “right” that prevents it? I am in my late 30s and can count on one hand the number of times I have received any unwanted attention, and that includes many years of working in NYC, riding on the subway, etc. It is, indeed, just weird. There seems to be no explanation for it.
Same here (except without the late 30s/living in NYC part). I wonder if I get catcalled a lot more than I think and I just don’t realize it. I’m always listening to loud music when I’m outside by myself, and most of the time when I’m with another person that person is my husband, which probably dissuades a lot of gross street dudes (because they wouldn’t acknowledge my desire not to talk to them, but they would respect the fact that I already “belong” to another man, ugh, gag me).
I wonder this too – I know I definitely get catcalled more when I don’t have headphones on, probably because dudes see it as an invitation to bother me, but I’m not sure if I get catcalled less when I’m listening to music/podcasts, or if I just can’t hear them.
I’m also REALLY unobservant and tend to not notice what people are doing around me if it’s subtle, so if a guy scopes me out and makes a leery face or a gross gesture or something, I probably wouldn’t even know.
Haha, yes.
But tbh I suspect that I’m just mostly oblivious to it, and I live/work in a relatively safe space. I’ve had more creepy encounters from people as a job hazard (front desk right across the street from a city park downtown) than walking around.
On the third hand, when I was 12 years old, I was specifically and quite clearly told that a predator was ignoring me and treating me badly because I was too ugly and awkward to sexually molest. This was a very specific intimidation/threatening tactic used against me and my mom, and even though I’ve gone to therapy, I don’t really know how deeply it’s been ingrained in me, or the way it changed my self-perception, versus general not fitting in with classmates and so on (did I start to Not Care About fashion/looking nice because of him and thinking it would protect me? but I didn’t really think of him all that much once we left his sphere of influence, so maybe it was just me being awkward…).
So because of that asshole creep, I’ve always half assumed that I don’t get bothered much because I am too off-putting and ugly. But most likely I’m just lucky, since I still get plenty of creeps at my admissions desk.
There could be a million reasons, and it’s probably any number of them combined. Since harrassers are often just throwing as wide and random a net as they can, lots of women will get caught in it but some won’t. It could just be a coincidence that you’re the one that hasn’t been, over and over.
On the other hand, I often suspect harassers consciously or subconsciously choose targets they feel are safe; women who are alone, obviously, and women who seem like they won’t be willing to cause a scene or who might break down satisfyingly or feel they have to respond “politely”… someone they can have power over. Perhaps you give off a no-point-fucking-with-me vibe that some of them pick up on so that they go on to the next, simpler target. And I bet that vibe has only gotten stronger since maybe you don’t leave your house wondering what fresh hell awaits you at every turn today (with bonus fresh memories of yesterday’s hells). NB THIS IS NOT TO SAY WOMEN ARE DOING THIS TO THEMSELVES BY BEING VICTIM-Y, OBVS THE HARASSERS ARE THE MONSTERS HERE.
Finally, I “haven’t been” harassed nearly as often since I developed a podcast addiction… which I realize might only mean I’m not hearing the blow-by comments over my ipod, but I’m fine with that. 🙂 So uh… how’s your hearing? 😉
I’ve always received a lot less welcome AND unwelcome male attention than other women of my same age/attractiveness level talk about. I do think the two go together, sadly. Social scientists, a study, please!
I have classic introvert shutdown face and I’m pretty high-strung, both of which i think are deterrents. As I’ve aged I’ve gotten a lot less polite to boot. I’m also fairly tall and somewhat wiry, that is if I’m not eating a lot of chocolate mousse. 🙂
I tend to get more attention in the form of inquisitive looks and whatnot when I’ve been ill and my energy level is down. Nothing like that tubercular, easily-overpowered aura. Happened yesterday. Fascinating (raises one Spock-like eyebrow).
Yeah, this maps to my experiences — I’m reasonably attractive, I think, and men have approached me, but I have serious resting bitchface and am fairly tall and “solid-looking”, according to my mom (which I’m pretty sure means that I look reasonably athletic, take up space, and am perfectly willing to walk straight into men who don’t get out of the way).
Conversely, the worst year for street harassment for me was when I was 13 (hahaha good lord) and had hit puberty early and was very uncomfortable with it, and was the sort of shy and mousy that would cringe whenever anyone looked at me. When I’m sick or sad, I become more of a target, etc.
That sounds about right for me as well. I’m not bad looking (if I may say so myself, hmmhm), but I’ve never really had that much unwanted male attention. And I also had a big problem attracting guys back when I was single, d’oh. “Classic introvert shutdown face and…pretty high-strung” is also a perfect description of me, though. The attention has gone down even more since I married my husband and started wearing a ring. Nice quiet subway rides, woohoo!
Though I did have an obviously high woman in her 40s flirt with me and ask where I got my haircut when I was on a train last month. But that just was cool and hilarious.
Thank goodness I’m not the only one. The only explanation I thought of that doesn’t sound either self-deprecating or victim-blame-y is “maybe I’m always too lost in thought to notice.”
Ditto. Could have written this comment verbatim. It’s a weird headfuck, but I think it’s definitely the better thing to have happen. I wish I knew what I was doing so I could give it to all other women (mostly for them, but also a little bit for me so I wouldn’t feel so invisible).
“It’s just… weird. It makes me feel like less of a women sometimes, which is so utterly ridiculous, but it’s true! ”
That’s another form of harassment, actually! And I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, it sucks.
One thing I’ve noticed, and I’m not saying it happens to you, but one thing I’ve noticed is a lot of women who protest they never get street harassed or never notice street harassment will later go on to list the stuff they go through that “isn’t street harassment, it’s just, y’know, stuff” because it’s so normalized. OTOH, my personal experiences of street harassment have tapered off over the past few years due largely to 1) the neighborhood I live in and 2) no longer looking 16. I’ve always been a potato-shaped big fat fatty, so that’s absolutely not a deterrent.
I don’t really think you can say that when people do not catcall and someone doubts themselves because of this that that is harassment. Harassment is an action on the behalf of someone and not an omission or a way of feeling. You can feel harassed, but that is a very specific thing, and it’s the feeling you get when someone is bothering you.
Maybe I have missed your point, but whilst it is a shame that some women feel worse because they don’t get catcalled, that is absolutely not harassment. It’s kind of like Richard and Judy’s daughter calling trolls “terrorists”, i.e. a bit ridiculous.
Posture (ing), gait, facial expression – these can be factors.
I used to ride the El to and from the dangerous neighborhood where I lived alone in Philadelphia. I wore my “El Face” on the walk to and from train as well as on the platform. I also carried a large umbrella with a long, sharp metal tip, rain or shine. People actually crossed the street to get away from me.
Posture and gait work for me naturally. I present an honest depiction of irritation and short fuse because it’s generally true. Now, who is going to be stupid enough to *ask* for my attention?
I no longer live alone, no longer carry the giant umbrella, and no longer live in bad neighborhoods, but I maintain the facial, gait, and posture habits when alone in public.
I hate that all this is necessary. It shouldn’t be. But be safe, Toastfriends.
“People actually crossed the street to get away from me.” Teach me your art.
Hm, I wonder if posture/gait is a factor for this never happens to me – I walk ridiculously fast everywhere I go when I am alone and I’ve been told I look serious and like I’m “on a mission” and focused while doing so.
I walk super fast and am mildly pissed off at all the people who are IN MY WAY and I think that saves me from a lot of bother. Almost every occurrence of harassment I can think of has happened when I’m stopped, at an intersection or on a train or something.
YES, this describes my experience perfectly! Today I was crossing the green where some baby Marines were running around, and their adult Marines guy who was just kind of standing obnoxiously in the middle of the path literally scampered out of my way when he saw me coming. I grumpfaced all the way back to work, but secretly I was ecstatic.
I actually had a panhandler approach me from the side, start his spiel, walk two steps alongside me and then when he realized how fast I was walking, veered off muttering “forget it.” So I think fast walking is actually quite effective. I just walk fast naturally though, I don’t think everyone should have to cultivate it as a defense mechanism 🙁
I’ve only been harassed once, and I’m 34. It was a douche who rode by on a bike while i was walking, and said something gross, I don’t remember what.
Then again I have superior tunnel vision, so maybe it’s happened more and I just didn’t notice?
It’s just chance, luck, whatever you want to call it.
I get very little street harassment too, and I spent the last 9 years walking and taking public transportation in big cities. I also get very few men who approach me in social situations in a positive way, like at bars or parties where I am open to social contact and trying to put myself out there. Every guy I’ve ever dated or hooked up with has either been someone in my friend circle or someone I met online. I’m pretty sure the two are linked. Somehow I’m just a little bit invisible to guys who don’t already know me. I find it annoying when I’d actually like to meet guys at parties or bars or weddings or wherever, but if the trade off is being ignored by guys on the street as well, I will 100% take it. I’d rather be invisible to catcallers and look for dates online.
Yes, I am in this sub-club of the Rarely Get Catcalled Club. Why can’t the guys I find attractive just magically know to approach me, and all other men stay away? Surely science can solve this!
I am also in this sub-club, BUT, I am in the lesbian sub-sub club, so basically my life is all puppies and flowers.
Except, women don’t notice me either. Sometimes literally. (Has anyone else had actual fears that they, like, died earlier today or went through some kind of portal and are now an invisible and intangible spirit walking around, and that’s why everyone is ignoring them? I may have identified a little too hard with the movie Ghost and that one episode of Stargate.)
I know talking about differences in harassment depending on how women dress/present is really loaded but there are factors that influence it! Not least, the type of harassment woc get is surely a bit different (and probably more straight-up offensive depending on where you are) from the type of harassment I get even if it all sucks balls.
I notice a tenfold increase in hassle if I wear bare legs, more if there’s a dress involved. I could basically plot incidences of harassment in correlation with how clearly I’m signalling ‘feminine’. I dress more boyish than perhaps I would like sometimes in awareness of this.
I get way more unwanted comments and attention with long hair than I did with short hair. Wearing a high ponytail or cute hat are always guarantees I’ll get hellos. I am comfortable giving aggressive, funny responses, so it’s okay for the most part but I have to feel safe. For some reason, when I wear a bright scarf in my hair that seems to be regarded as a mating call. I am an old, fat lady. It has nothing to do with weight, in my experience, although rejections are always subject to the classic “fat bitch” accusation.
Yep. It was something watching how many more people interacted with me when I had shoulder-length hair, even when it was pinned up, than my usual short hair. And not just obnoxiously/creepily! People suddenly started opening doors, letting me through the metro doors first, the “after you” gestures, etc at a far higher rate than before. Chopped all my hair off because ugh, long hair, and that’s fizzled.
But not too boyish, right? Because that gets attention, too.
There must be some balance we’re achieving without being aware of it…
I’ve noticed this too. I think most of the time I’m too androgynous (tall, short-haired, flat-chested, pants-wearing, non-made-up) to even ping a lot of these guys’ “WOMAN! MUST CATCALL!” radars. It’s much more likely to happen on the rare occasions when I’m wearing a dress. But I don’t know what would happen if I were walking around in, say, a suit and tie.
Lipstick = please everyone talk to me, apparently
Also tank tops. Because the fact that it’s 90 degrees outside clearly means I would like you to remind me that I have breasts. Thank you.
Can I sit at this table, too? I’m conflicted over this as well, but it’s partly due to being harassed daily, by dudes and female peers, for being “weird and ugly” throughout elementary and high school which has, unfortunately, left me with some baggage around my appearance. I want the validation of “hey, not bad” so my sad little inner tween can go “suck it, long ago bullies, I’m just as attractive as you” but at the same time, I’m hating the attention because it’s so fucking rude AND it makes me uncomfortable (again due to being deliberately stared at as a youngster with the always accompanying “you’re weird/ugly” comment).
GAH! (Ironically enough, my mother was a great fashionista but because she was wrapped up in her own stressed out world, she couldn’t see what was going on during those years and I couldn’t tell her for whatever reason. Poor woman, she tried, though; through her, I got a great love for Vogue magazine, beautiful shoes and really well made clothing).
I’ve found this to be a comforting read on the subject of complicated feelings toward street harassment or a lack thereof.
THANK YOU for that link.
It’s funny, for a long time I thought I didn’t get a lot of street harassment (and maybe I didn’t, but I WAS pretty oblivious to everything that went on around me). Then I started going to a new gym and got harassed on my way there EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Eventually I changed my walking route to avoid the worst offenders.
The other thing is, I’m used to a culture of people greeting each other in public. Maybe it’s a Southern thing, maybe it differs by neighborhood, but I’m used to people saying “Good Morning” to strangers (men and women) and calling out to acquaintances when you see them across the street. So unless somebody whistles or makes kissy noises or says something explicitly harass-y to me, I tend not to register it like that.
Yeah, I don’t get harassed a lot either, despite 7 years of living in NYC in extremely diverse neighborhoods and taking the subway daily. I think part of it is that sometimes I look recognizably queer (though not always). I’m also a minority in my current neighborhood and while you’d think that would make it worse, I think it maybe makes me less approachable? And I flat-out never get approached by random dudes trying to chat or hit on me in public places.
Though the other day I got catcalled by two guys within two blocks while I was walking home from the gym in gross clothes and carrying groceries, so more likely there’s just no logic to any of it whatsoever. Hooray.
I don’t get harassed a lot either. It’s definitely partly regional, since it was definitely way worse in Ontario than BC and who knew Yellowknife was a hotbed of inappropriate street comments? I usually blame my resting bitchface and “purposeful walk”, which I don’t mean to sound like I’m blaming those who do get harassed because they shouldn’t have to change how their face looks just to walk down the street! I also wonder if it’s because I’m kind of nondescript-looking, to the point where I used to have a bit of a complex about being invisible to people. The times I do get comments often seem to be when I’m dressed in an unusually flashy way.
I don’t get harrassed that much, although maybe more than you? (Uggggh we’re all losing this race.) I think it’s definitely my height, posture, body language, bitchface, and propensity to wear sunglasses. Also, even when I’m showing skin, my clothes tend towards serious/dark/’badass’. I cultivate an intimidating look. But I consider myself attractive! Just not a good mark on the street.
Same, for the most part, with online dating for me. It’s not that I’m not attractive. I’m just intimidating.
Lately my bitchface has gotten so good that even the Greenpeace canvassers on the street don’t talk to me. FREEDOM
ETA: I really hope this doesn’t seem like I’m blaming people for getting harassed. God no! Not everyone should look like a massive intimidating bitch. And not looking like one is not asking for harassment, not at all, not ever.
I don’t get much either, but I actively cultivate a face that reads “Cross me and I will end you” with a gait to match, so I’ve chalked it up to that. Plus I’m tall-ish, fat-ish, and generally look like someone whose ancestors were all peasants, so I guess I’m too sturdy looking to look like an easy target? I have no idea.
I understand this 100%. I’ve only ever had strange men talk to me at one particular bus stop a few times. I can’t remember ever being yelled at from a car or anybody driving down the street. These discussions always lead to a painfully honest conversation with myself where I ask myself these same questions – What’s wrong with me? Or, what am I doing right that dissuades them? I have to force the latter, though. How messed-up is it that I feel ugly and like less of a woman because strange men don’t shout their desire at me? I don’t want strangers talking to me, so this should make me happy!
I don’t know. I don’t think there are any easy answers. It does make me feel better though to know that I’m not alone in this.
Some of us deploy natural forcefields that deflect the male gaze.
Yeah, this is weird. I’ve occasionally gotten street harassed, but I online dated for about two months and got maybe one strange message and it wasn’t even sexual in nature. Even guys I turned down were very polite about it. I’m not sure how I avoided the typical gross messages. My roommate joined the same dating site, in the same city, and got tons of gross messages immediately. I think we’re relatively equal in terms of physical attractiveness. I also moved to a larger city six months ago and I haven’t gotten harassed here yet, but I frequently get approached for directions, so I can’t be that intimidating?
Could you send me a picture of your face so I can print out a mask? If your forcefield is powerful enough to work on the internet, I want some.
I don’t get sexually harassed that much, but I do get rather aggressively asked for directions. I’ll be jogging or very obviously talking on my cell phone while walking, and people will pull over and honk or get in my face and say, “How do you get to _______?” Sometimes there will be a polite “Excuse me, can I ask you directions,” but often there’s this impatient, almost hostile, air of expectation. I get that sometimes you’re in a hurry to get somewhere or you’re trying not to hold up traffic in your car, but really, people.
That happens to me too! Once a pedestrian yelled out asking me for directions when I was in my car and was just starting to accelerate after stopping at a stop sign. I was actually *in motion*.
I think it’s true that street harassers target some women more than others. I used to get harassed when I was younger, but it hasn’t happened in years. Which is not to say that middle aged women don’t get harassed, just that we are less likely to be targets.
I have noticed that the amount of street harassment I get (which was never huge, but was fairly regular) has rapidly decreased in recent years. I wondered if it was a combo of getting older and less conventionally attractive, even though I know those things don’t stop harassers in general. But then I noticed that in some places – NYC, most noticeably – I still get harassed a fair amount. So I realized it’s actually (the parts of) Boston (I usually traverse) that remain more or less harassment free. So I wonder if there’s cities/spaces that are more harassment hot spots than others?
[Edited to add: I moved to Boston (from Austin) four years ago, which is when the harassment decreased.]
I don’t get much either–the occasional shout from a car, but I’ve only been stopped/shouted at by other pedestrians once or twice. Part of it is living in a smaller city, but I think for me it’s mostly that I’m 6′ tall and not particularly thin. I’m in the same or greater height/weight range as most men, which I think does a lot to discourage them.
I (short, round, plain clothing, perpetual bitchface) never really get street-harassed, except the occasional demands to smile. I’m quite content to be ignored, but I have trouble talking about that because I feel like I’m saying “hey ladies, if you want men to leave you alone, just gain some weight and start wearing shapeless cardigans!”
For me this is all tied up with the weird envy I get when people come out of the woodwork about something they’ve had to be silent about for years (forever, etc), and all of a sudden they’ve found a whole community of people who’ve been having those same experiences, and they can commiserate – I know, how awful that you can find community by relating to others’ stories of harrassment/discrimination! Ugh!
But then there’s this flipside where if you can’t commiserate because you haven’t shared those experiences, you feel left out. Suddenly everyone gets to talk about this awful thing and feel a little bit better and you’re left wondering, what did I do wrong? How come I don’t get to be part of this?
It’s so messed up, but it’s most definitely nothing you should feel at fault for.
I almost never do, and I have similar feelings to you about it. It’s weird, as you say.
What’s the policy on embedding this image on my Tumblr? Because Tumblr needs to see this, AND The Toast and Kendra need to get credit.
Just screenshot one or two frames, and link!
I can also post it on tumblr from my personal and send ya the link! 🙂
Edit: Boop! http://kendrawcandraw.tumblr.com/post/10185136997…
These are all perfect and great, although sometimes the last panel leads to “Oh okay let me honk at you instead!”
I need a crossbow. A tiny crossbow, purse-size. But a crossbow, nonetheless.
Now on a mission to find a purse-sized crossbow, and an endless supply of tiny pointy arrows.
Oh, yes. That, exactly. Or a slingshot, because then projectiles issue is solved by any random pebble, nut, stick.
I would kickstart that thing.
Building on this: if you are or appear to be white, harassers (of all races) seem less likely to see you as a safe target. This is because of a giant clusterfuck of historical and cultural attitudes that many people have written about more directly and eloquently than I can here (check out the #YouOKSIS and #NotJustHello tags on Twitter, if you use Twitter, as a starting point).
Harassment opportunities exist in the mind of the harasser, as I think this comic shows really vividly; it’s not something the harassee does wrong or right.
the 4th one is so fucking on (I mean they all are). one time I was out at a pub with five other female friends and we were talking and drinking and having a great time and this dude just COMES UP and SITS DOWN and STARTS TALKING TO US. hilariously he managed to get into an argument with every single woman present because guess what, rando dude? you hit the jackpot of overeducated, opinionated, feminist women who don’t have the time of day for you.
we left quite soon after that, without rando dude.
what possesses a man to see a table of women clearly enjoying themselves and think, Oh you know what they need is MY STERLING COMPANY
OMG – a guy in a group I was out with did this to a random group of girls. He just went over and started drinking their wine and asking questions. Everyone in my group laughed it off as ‘isn’t he hilarious, he’s so socially awkward!!!1! LOLOL’ but I was fucking enraged. If it was just about how socially awkward he was, why didn’t he go up to a large group of guys and start drinking their beers and saying stupid stuff?! UGH, my blood’s boiling just thinking about it again.
thsarahgirl–
I live in DC, and used to live in NYC. Got harassed *constantly* in New York, literally not at all, not once in ~5 years in DC, and I don’t look any different than I did before, apart from being older (mid-30s).
I’ve concluded that DC is not a very harassy place, at least if you’re white (which I am). But I’m kind of fascinated by it.
I relate to this. I’m old enough (45) that I no longer get street harassed and rarely get random unwanted male attention and sometimes I catch myself sort of wondering what happened. I don’t think I ever got a lot of street harassment, even in my baby-faced twenties, even living in Chicago, but it definitely disappeared in my 30s, probably min 30s.
My feelings about this are kind of complicated. I spent my teens and early 20s actively trying to avoid the male gaze, actively trying to hide myself and my body from unwanted male attention. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gradually become much more comfortable in my body and with my sexuality. And at 45 I’m probably more comfortable with myself and my appearance than I’ve ever been. And it’s odd to realize that I’m now mostly invisible to men. At least to random men I don’t know. It’s kind of odd to miss something that I never, ever wanted. And then I get mad at myself, because I didn’t enjoy unwanted male attention when I was younger and I do enjoy the many benefits of middle age (could do without the hot flashes though).
argh – this was supposed to be in reply to thesarahgirl
One time I told my brother that if he ever catcalls a woman, I will murder him in his sleep.
This attitude might be a contributing factor to the time my dad said I intimidate men, and that’s why I’m forever single.
I intimidate men. I am married to a man who finds that attractive and delightful. He uses me as a threat. “Do I have to ask Rose to talk with you about this?”
Between this and your pointy umbrella as weapon strategy mentioned upthread, I think I’ve found my new hero.
I also intimidate men. I like it!
When my brother was a teenager, I once drove him and one of his friends somewhere and stopped at the bank on the way. I went through the drive-up window, conducted my business, the teller said, “Have a nice night!” and as I drove away, my brother shouted, “Hey, how ’bout a night with me sometime?”
Reader, I hit him in the face.
Well done.
(ugh teenage boys)
Thumbs up for intimidating women!
My boyfriend does not seem to mind. He actually gets a kick out of it. We went to a Halloween party and he was dressed all slutty and kept getting hit on by women. He told me that it was fun to watch how they ghosted when they realized he was with me because I have a “presence” and “take over a room” and was obviously somehow in charge. Which I am! At all times!
I don’t even mean to intimidate those women, they can hit on my boyfriend all they want it’s no big deal. I try much harder to intimidate men.
The highest compliment I’ve ever been given is when a man at my old workplace said “you scare me.”
It is indeed a high compliment.
I told some of my guy friends that apparently I intimidate men, and one of them was like “yeah, you kinda do…” I responded with delighted cackling.
I aspire to this.
Intimidating men is a useful weed-out factor enabling you to find superlative partner material more efficiently. Or at least that’s what I told myself as I watched yet another man scamper away at a college party after I told him my hobby was judo “as in arm-bars, chokes, throws, that sort of thing, not judo chops,” said with a smile, naturally.
My husband thinks it’s awesome, although he is somewhat frustrated that he has exactly a 0% chance of ever winning a tickle fight.
brb writing this in my nearly-18-year-old brother’s upcoming birthday card. just, you know, standard wishes as someone sets off on the path of new manhood.
Tasers, man. There should be a tax deduction for purchasing them for self defense.
I like how “bitch and lesbian” are like somehow the worst insults these dudes can come up with. UM. BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME, KINDLY FUCK THE FUCK OFF.
It’s because they know they have no workaround defense against either.
When we are lesbians, when we choose to be bitches, they have lost.
haha yeah. Street harassy dudes are always calling me various slurs for lesbian, and I’m like COOL STORY BRO, if you think I’m not into dudes then why not leave me alone ???
Day 3 of my headphones-in-during-commute experiment is going very well, so far no unwanted conversations. *fingers crossed*
Same here. I have wondered if it’s because I’m tall (5’10). My shorter friends tell me horror stories and it’s not like I’ve never been harassed, but it was nothing to the degree they have described. I have a theory that my height makes me seem more intimidating like a puffer fish or a frill neck lizard trolling its enemies in the wild. I also have severe tunnel vision like some of the other posters, so maybe I just don’t notice.
This should be in response to @thesarahgirl
Yep.
“But, like, what am I supposed to do, just never talk to women in public at all?”
If ya gotta ask that question, dudes, the answer is YES
Yes. You, specifically, reductivist dude, are never allowed to talk to women in public again forever. Or in private. You’d be doing us all a favor, really.
All men must go through my chaperone (my dog) before they are allowed to speak with me.
I used to take that bait and explain that no, of course nobody was saying that, it’s ok to talk to women but don’t be a jerk. Then something snapped, I stopped caring, and I now just say, “yes. stop talking. you are the problem.” My life is at least 75% better than it was when I cared.
I usually do this, but I have discovered that if someone touches my shoulder or neck area from behind I will instinctively Angela Merkel. Ideally, my fists of panic will hit them in the face and they will never touch my shoulders and or neck again. It’s nice to know there’s at least one situation where my automatic responses are suitably defensive.
EDIT: This was a response to winterbymorning way up there, but intensedebate is doing weird things?
Apparently “I am avoiding looking at or interacting with you” = “please, please continue to stare at me all the time in class!”
MEN
I find a slow reveal of my teeth really deflects a lot of crap. It’s a perfect teeth-baring, lip-curling, just enough of a smile blend.
I need a gif. Followed by a good 30 minutes in front of a mirror to perfect it myself. This is delightfully unhinged and I don’t doubt it’s effectiveness for a second.
I’m currently nursing myself through a vicious migraine and insomnia, and clearly the Toast was the right place to go for additional healing. Kendra, I absolutely love this. This entire comments section is giving me life. I love that here we can talk about those things that people never talk about.
Yeah I’m seconding the scarf thing – or any other very visible accessory. I feel like I get more harassement if there is something about my appearance that stands out or is easy to comment about – like a scarf, for example. I also get a lot of comments if I’m wearing my hair naturally because it’s really big and curly, which is unusual in Southern California, so it stands out more. When I wear my hair straight I get fewer/different comments. Generally I think harassement is more a crime of opportunity, and has nothing to do with you (what you look like, how attractive you are), and more to do with whether or not the guy could come up with something to say that he thinks sounds clever.
Thanks Kendra, for always depicting us women as diverse as we are!
I think the lesson for any man here is do not talk to woman, let them approach you.
Hey, hey girl. Hey, smile!
Oh, thank you! I was wondering if I was too mouthy, but, well.
A similar thing happened in this thread (the dude deleted his replies so that's why this is a screenshot). Both involve someone getting offended that I called out a non-malicious but still microaggressive dude, because if that's racism, then someone else in their life would have also been racist, and that's a Very Bad Thing To Call Someone.
It's a classic derail which ignores context (hi: whiteness and patriarchy!), assumes calling someone racist is a deep insult and slur on their character rather than an observation of structurally ingrained/supported behaviour, and re-positions other PoC as the target of unfruitful anger. It all adds up to protecting white men's rights to speak however they like to WoC, and it means the PoC who can see the forest for the trees are again talked down to and devalued.
As to which: (╯ಠ_ಠ)╯︵ uǝɯ
Yeah, some places are weird. In one town I’d have would-be johns ask if I ‘working’ every day, but I’d hardly ever get any actual harassment. (I don’t count those as harassment because they’d invariably drive away dying of embarrassment)
The other day a dude told me to smile & when I ignored him he yelled “If you don’t understand English go back to where you came from.” Which was weird because I’m white.
Also, if you didn’t understand English you wouldn’t understand his instruction to go back where you came from. Logic fail, Mr Street Harasser!
The other day a dude told me to smile & when I ignored him he yelled "If you don't understand English go back to where you came from." Which was weird because I'm white.
I am six feet tall. When I was a teenager I still got a lot of harassment when I would walk along a busy road home from work. Nite that I am in my 30s the only unwanted comments I get are actually in regards to my height. "You're a talk drink of water" muttered add I walk by.