#3 yes, yes, forever. The number of times I get told to smile by people I DON’T EVEN KNOW. Maybe this is my happy face!!
Vickie+30
Is it bad that I usually stop walking, slowly turn, and put on my creepiest grin possible until they leave?
WishUponAWish+11
No no no. That… That is very good. Creep them the fuck out.
icebergmama+41
loves it. I am that girl who will just eat the fucking cake or the doughnuts or whatever so everyone else can not be the first person to take one. No shame in free food, people.
CatFoodParty+6
AMEN. Free food is the best food.
emily_white+5
I am both that person and girl #1, somehow. And also the person who brings in the cake and then feels sad when half of it is left at the end of the day.
icebergmama+22
come work in my office I will eat the other half girl
EmDash+34
It is an unspoken, but iron-hard, rule in my family that you do NOT take the last piece of anything ever. The idea of doing it fills me with horror and shame. So at family dinners everyone just eyes the last piece glumly until it is taken away. We’re fun, guys, we’re real fun.
mooseketeer+7
my mom literally told me that eating the last of anything meant that you would grow up to be the old maid. Which I now think means you’d be fat, so no one would marry you. oh the south….
anxious_mofo+8
I deploy #3 with depressing frequency.
mkpatter+4
OMG these are perfect.
fondue with cheddar+8
They are! I really hope this becomes a recurring feature.
icebergmama+8
me too! I like her style.
Alli525+2
Thirded! (Fourthed?)
kendrawcandraw+4
My goodness! Thank you! 😀
TheRenleigh+1
They so are! I want more!
rkfire+9
Dear god, I’ve been in so many office situations where #1 just happens until someone in the office is just like “fuck this, I’ll eat the rest of it.”
rkfire+20
On this note: one of my coworkers brought in Girl Scout cookies, including my favorite/the best kind, Samoas. I ate the second to last one two days ago and left the last one behind, thinking that this would be appropriate penance since I had eaten more than my fair share.
I go into the office kitchen today, and that Samoa is still around, hiding alongside four surviving Tagalongs! (I was resigned to eating a Tagalong.)
VICTORY IS MINE, FOOLS!
elldubs+3
Someone brought in girlscout cookies at my office and people were taking whole sleeves! But I work mainly with dudes.
TLO+7
My desk used to be right near a counter where a lot of people set out their baked goods or other miscellaneous snacks, and my coworker and I were always amused by how many people would stop to check out the offerings, notice there was only one munchkin (or whatnot) left and mournfully continue along. This could go on for DAYS. Just eat the last one! (And when you do, please recycle the box. I’m not your mom.)
victorytasteslikehashbrowns+39
Smile girls! You have such a beautiful smile.
anninyn+27
#3 is my go-to option.
When I don’t, you know, start screaming at them in the street ‘No! You fucking smile! YOU FUCKING SMILE! NOT GOOD TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR OWN FACE? YEAH YOU BETTER RUN!’
My resting face is naturally quite high up on the bitch-face spectrum so I get it a lot.
elsamac+23
After a rich and lavish family dinner in a favorite restaurant, with much joking between my brothers about who could posssssssibly eat the last bites of dessert, my father jokingly tossed down a fifty-dollar bill for whichever of them managed to eat the finish the slab of luscious chocolate cake sitting alone in the middle of the table.
They blustered and laughed for a few minutes, and finally I clapped my hand over that fifty and pulled the plate toward me, rolling my eyes at their waffling. Letting good cake go to waste? THAT WILL NOT STAND.
(That fifty bucks came in handy when my sister, who was my ride back to our vacation cottage, ran out of gas that night on the lonely road with the cash-only gas station.)
fondue with cheddar+21
You’d have to PAY me $50 to not eat delicious chocolate cake.
elsamac+47
ikr? Everyone at the table was all “Ha, she wins but at what cost?” And I was all “YUM YUM AND ALSO I’M RICH NOW.”
fondue with cheddar+11
Chocolate cake is always worth the cost. ALWAYS.
moved to comment+13
#1 – my friends from BC inform me that this is popularly known as the “Canadian morsel.”
elsamac+47
I’ve written about half of a short story in which a perfectly normal woman is exhorted to “Smile, honey!” and her face cracks open like a dropped husk, her mouth a crevice into a hive of madness that freezes all who witness it in an unmoving trance of horror.
And then I kinda ran out of steam because WHO CARES WHAT HAPPENS NEXT once the “Smile, honey!” folks have all shut up in frozen dread?
elsamac+11
As a former waiter and caterer and frequent hostess, I implore you: EAT THE GODDAMNED MORSEL ALREADY SO I CAN BRING MORE FOOD.
At my own parties, I just eat it myself.
[edited to add: I am VERY YELLY TODAY.]
QueenElisatits+27
the next time #3 happens I hope to be quick enough to react like this
deliciousrecoil+8
I flash my sunny rictus at all times. No one talks to me.
TLO+10
It’s been awhile since I’ve heard my least favorite variation of #3—”You dropped something! Your smile!”—but I’ve got my response all ready: “So did you!” with a flipped bird.
rallisaurus+6
I got that one time and I was so dumbfounded I actually looked down to see what I’d dropped.
MaladyDee
Me too! It was the first time I’d ever been told by some dude on the street to smile, too, so I was extra baffled. (maybe that’s just not a thing that happens in my city? I don’t want to speculate too hard in case the magic goes away.)
Chickensalad+3
A homeless kid yelled that at me once after I dropped my phone and I panicked because WHAT ELSE DID I DROP
rallisaurus+17
Variation on #1 should be when office ladies refuse to just take a whole cookie or whatever when I bring in my (delicious!) homemade baked goods. Don’t cut a cookie into fourths! I mean, when you’re sawing a donut into pie segments you should just take some time to evaluate your life choices.
icebergmama+10
WHAT that is abnormal. take a whole freaking doughnut! at LEAST a half.
If I could ASCII an owl here, I would. (because I’m obnoxious like that)
RoxanneRholes
Haha. Yessss. Cat eyes. Long, sharp, dark lines. Red lipstick like blood so my teeth look white and bright and like I will rip your throat out with them.
MacLovin+41
This is TIMELY. I just posted this on facebook (so if I have friends on here “hiiiii!”). A dude on the train yesterday told me to smile, so I responded by using my middle fingers to prop up the corners of my mouth. He called me a bitch, but another girl on the train gave me a silent slow motion thumbs up. I feel good about my actions.
Rrp+5
Middle fingers to propp up the corners of your mouth, nice, i’m using that.
waterbears28
My husband is from the midwest and he says this is a thing there. I, on the other hand, can't stand to see one piece of food sitting around uneaten, and I will eat it even if I'm not hungry. What, you want me to wrap up that one piece of pizza in tinfoil like we're going to "save it for lunch" or do anything other than eat it in the middle of the night?
RaRa
I had to show these to my mom, these things are so made of win. The smile one is so very much me, seriously. I get told that all the time, b/c apparently – my resting face is ‘going to kill you all…. slowly. With a spork.’
#3 yes, yes, forever. The number of times I get told to smile by people I DON’T EVEN KNOW. Maybe this is my happy face!!
Is it bad that I usually stop walking, slowly turn, and put on my creepiest grin possible until they leave?
No no no. That…
That is very good. Creep them the fuck out.
loves it. I am that girl who will just eat the fucking cake or the doughnuts or whatever so everyone else can not be the first person to take one. No shame in free food, people.
AMEN. Free food is the best food.
I am both that person and girl #1, somehow. And also the person who brings in the cake and then feels sad when half of it is left at the end of the day.
come work in my office I will eat the other half girl
It is an unspoken, but iron-hard, rule in my family that you do NOT take the last piece of anything ever. The idea of doing it fills me with horror and shame. So at family dinners everyone just eyes the last piece glumly until it is taken away. We’re fun, guys, we’re real fun.
my mom literally told me that eating the last of anything meant that you would grow up to be the old maid. Which I now think means you’d be fat, so no one would marry you. oh the south….
I deploy #3 with depressing frequency.
OMG these are perfect.
They are! I really hope this becomes a recurring feature.
me too! I like her style.
Thirded! (Fourthed?)
My goodness! Thank you! 😀
They so are! I want more!
Dear god, I’ve been in so many office situations where #1 just happens until someone in the office is just like “fuck this, I’ll eat the rest of it.”
On this note: one of my coworkers brought in Girl Scout cookies, including my favorite/the best kind, Samoas. I ate the second to last one two days ago and left the last one behind, thinking that this would be appropriate penance since I had eaten more than my fair share.
I go into the office kitchen today, and that Samoa is still around, hiding alongside four surviving Tagalongs! (I was resigned to eating a Tagalong.)
VICTORY IS MINE, FOOLS!
Someone brought in girlscout cookies at my office and people were taking whole sleeves! But I work mainly with dudes.
My desk used to be right near a counter where a lot of people set out their baked goods or other miscellaneous snacks, and my coworker and I were always amused by how many people would stop to check out the offerings, notice there was only one munchkin (or whatnot) left and mournfully continue along. This could go on for DAYS. Just eat the last one! (And when you do, please recycle the box. I’m not your mom.)
Smile girls! You have such a beautiful smile.
#3 is my go-to option.
When I don’t, you know, start screaming at them in the street ‘No! You fucking smile! YOU FUCKING SMILE! NOT GOOD TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR OWN FACE? YEAH YOU BETTER RUN!’
My resting face is naturally quite high up on the bitch-face spectrum so I get it a lot.
After a rich and lavish family dinner in a favorite restaurant, with much joking between my brothers about who could posssssssibly eat the last bites of dessert, my father jokingly tossed down a fifty-dollar bill for whichever of them managed to eat the finish the slab of luscious chocolate cake sitting alone in the middle of the table.
They blustered and laughed for a few minutes, and finally I clapped my hand over that fifty and pulled the plate toward me, rolling my eyes at their waffling. Letting good cake go to waste? THAT WILL NOT STAND.
(That fifty bucks came in handy when my sister, who was my ride back to our vacation cottage, ran out of gas that night on the lonely road with the cash-only gas station.)
You’d have to PAY me $50 to not eat delicious chocolate cake.
ikr? Everyone at the table was all “Ha, she wins but at what cost?” And I was all “YUM YUM AND ALSO I’M RICH NOW.”
Chocolate cake is always worth the cost. ALWAYS.
#1 – my friends from BC inform me that this is popularly known as the “Canadian morsel.”
I’ve written about half of a short story in which a perfectly normal woman is exhorted to “Smile, honey!” and her face cracks open like a dropped husk, her mouth a crevice into a hive of madness that freezes all who witness it in an unmoving trance of horror.
And then I kinda ran out of steam because WHO CARES WHAT HAPPENS NEXT once the “Smile, honey!” folks have all shut up in frozen dread?
As a former waiter and caterer and frequent hostess, I implore you: EAT THE GODDAMNED MORSEL ALREADY SO I CAN BRING MORE FOOD.
At my own parties, I just eat it myself.
[edited to add: I am VERY YELLY TODAY.]
the next time #3 happens I hope to be quick enough to react like this
I flash my sunny rictus at all times. No one talks to me.
It’s been awhile since I’ve heard my least favorite variation of #3—”You dropped something! Your smile!”—but I’ve got my response all ready: “So did you!” with a flipped bird.
I got that one time and I was so dumbfounded I actually looked down to see what I’d dropped.
Me too! It was the first time I’d ever been told by some dude on the street to smile, too, so I was extra baffled. (maybe that’s just not a thing that happens in my city? I don’t want to speculate too hard in case the magic goes away.)
A homeless kid yelled that at me once after I dropped my phone and I panicked because WHAT ELSE DID I DROP
Variation on #1 should be when office ladies refuse to just take a whole cookie or whatever when I bring in my (delicious!) homemade baked goods. Don’t cut a cookie into fourths! I mean, when you’re sawing a donut into pie segments you should just take some time to evaluate your life choices.
WHAT that is abnormal. take a whole freaking doughnut! at LEAST a half.
“:)”
:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
KENDRA!!! 😀
If I could ASCII an owl here, I would. (because I’m obnoxious like that)
Haha. Yessss. Cat eyes. Long, sharp, dark lines. Red lipstick like blood so my teeth look white and bright and like I will rip your throat out with them.
This is TIMELY. I just posted this on facebook (so if I have friends on here “hiiiii!”). A dude on the train yesterday told me to smile, so I responded by using my middle fingers to prop up the corners of my mouth. He called me a bitch, but another girl on the train gave me a silent slow motion thumbs up. I feel good about my actions.
Middle fingers to propp up the corners of your mouth, nice, i’m using that.
My husband is from the midwest and he says this is a thing there. I, on the other hand, can't stand to see one piece of food sitting around uneaten, and I will eat it even if I'm not hungry. What, you want me to wrap up that one piece of pizza in tinfoil like we're going to "save it for lunch" or do anything other than eat it in the middle of the night?
I had to show these to my mom, these things are so made of win. The smile one is so very much me, seriously. I get told that all the time, b/c apparently – my resting face is ‘going to kill you all…. slowly. With a spork.’
Good gracious that is hilarious! ^^