An Actual Letter Ayn Rand Wrote To An Actual Teenage Girl -The Toast

An Actual Letter Ayn Rand Wrote To An Actual Teenage Girl

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on January 12, 2015 in Ayn Rand Rewrites

Previously: Ayn Rand, Cat Fancier.

The Letters of Ayn Rand is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. It is a perpetual source of comfort and inspiration to me. Every morning, Ayn Rand must have thrust herself forth from her steel bed and asked herself “What is the most Ayn Rand thing that I can do today?”

On May 22, 1949, the answer was to write a letter to her young niece, who had sent her a short note asking to borrow $25 for a new dress. Here was Ayn’s reply.

“No, I won’t send a policeman after you.” DON’T GO SOFT ON ME NOW, AYN.

This letter so perfectly encapsulates everything I find deeply endearing about this bloviating monster. It is 30% very good advice, 50% unnecessary yelling, and 20% nonsense.

This is the last letter in the series! It is DAMN CHARMING! But what happened to the twenty-five dollars? I found an obituary for Connie (at least I’m pretty sure it was her), who died in 2012, and it doesn’t mention this at all. Did she pay her back? If she didn’t, did Ayn send the police after her, or just snub her dead in the street? What did Connie have to say about Ayn’s haircut when they met again? WHAT DID THE DRESS LOOK LIKE?

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+165 Vote up Vote down

rrieselavy 134p · 532 weeks ago

Tone of second letter says to me Connie raised the 25$ herself.

2 replies · active 442 weeks ago

+146 Vote up Vote down

bibliobotic 122p · 532 weeks ago

God, what a complete asshole.

+130 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 532 weeks ago

Holidays with Auntie Ayn must have been a HOOT.

"Now dear, here's the receipt for the mittens I got you and here's a repayment plan. You'll notice you don't need to pay back the last $1. Merry Christmas!*"

*i know Ayn was Jewish but GO WITH ME HERE

2 replies · active 442 weeks ago

+126 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 532 weeks ago

When you have the time, please let me know something about yourself and your future plans.

"This is the last letter in the series!"

Funny how that worked out...

+117 Vote up Vote down

allofthewhine 117p · 532 weeks ago

I mean, it sounds like this family never saw Ayn (since Connie hadn't seen her since she was a small child) and only thought of her as a 'rich aunt to get money from', so I can totally understand her not wanting to be taken advantage of by a third sister from this family.

Maybe only 10% monster, is what I'm saying.

6 replies · active 501 weeks ago

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Blanche de Shambles · 532 weeks ago

The dress was sliver-gray, like the brushed aluminum wing of a Douglas DC-7. It was cut against the bias, its very lines suggesting forward motion; relentless, imperious progress. It had a small bow at the hip.

6 replies · active 510 weeks ago

+35 Vote up Vote down

tothesea 89p · 532 weeks ago

This is more perfect than I could ever have dreamed.

+219 Vote up Vote down

catweazlol 142p · 532 weeks ago

I choose to believe that Connie got the first letter, thought "Wow, what an asshole" and then wrote an ass-kissing letter back about how much she appreciated the advice and how she would totally 100% pay her back right away and then took the money and ran. A new dress AND a guarantee that she'd never have to see or hear from her shitbag aunt again? Two birds, one stone.

3 replies · active 523 weeks ago

+364 Vote up Vote down

anon210 126p · 532 weeks ago

No compounding interest? Ayn Rand would allow this moocher, this contemptible reprobate, to appropriate the time value of $25 from its true owner? Out of the kindness of her heart?

Ayn Rand was a socialist, a philanthropist, a softhearted, softheaded mush-woman. All of my fond illusions are shattered.

1 reply · active 442 weeks ago

+115 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 532 weeks ago

I've got 6 nieces & am fighting the desire to print this out & send each of them $25, even to the two 7 year olds.

2 replies · active 531 weeks ago

+208 Vote up Vote down

tubatoothpaste 122p · 532 weeks ago

I feel like with a few details changed, this could also be an online dating message from a certain type of dude - "I wrote you this rambling lecture because I think you're *interesting* and you have *potential*!" Lol, no.

+69 Vote up Vote down

JocastaCarr 134p · 532 weeks ago

I...kind of don't think this is that bad? Maybe I secretly have the heart of a capitalist monster after all. I was always rather ruthless at Monopoly as a child.

3 replies · active 531 weeks ago

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ja_bouie 155p · 532 weeks ago

NIECE: "Auntie Ayn, do you want to help me bake cookies?"

AYN RAND: "Help? A self-made woman does not need help to indulge her pitiable domesticity. Not only will you not have my 'help', but if and when you bake those cookies, you should not give them away in misguided altruism. DO NOT GIVE AWAY YOUR LABOR AND LET THE IRRESPONSIBLE LEECH FROM YOUR INITIATIVE. You will build a stand and sell those cookies lest your surrender your self-respect to the pathetic conventions of our Christianized morality."

NIECE: *Walked away five minutes ago*

+197 Vote up Vote down

GreenGrasses 121p · 532 weeks ago

"NOW THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT CAPITALISM, tell me a bit about yourself!"

Adorable.

+146 Vote up Vote down

Genny_ 95p · 532 weeks ago

The most hilarious thing about this is that she could literally just say, 'yes, but because I think it's time you started learning to manage money, let's work out how you'll repay it, good practice for your life' or 'no, I'm sorry, I won't' and it would have been FINE, but no, she had to AYN RAND all over the perfectly sensible idea with the equivalent of a long-ass speech.

+105 Vote up Vote down

Sean_Sullivan 142p · 532 weeks ago

I would like to see some correspondence between Ayn Rand and Richard Wagner, who was incapable of writing so much as a birthday card without including an imperious demand for money.

3 replies · active 532 weeks ago

+120 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 532 weeks ago

I would actually like to hear more from Connie on how to work up the nerve to ask a virtual stranger for the equivalent of $250 in today's money just because.

2 replies · active 519 weeks ago

+119 Vote up Vote down

StillT 103p · 532 weeks ago

"no honest person believes that he is obliged to support his relatives. I don't believe it and will not do it."

Sorry about your hip, grandma! Find some bootstraps to pull and help yourself, you mooch.

+97 Vote up Vote down

bethcorriveau 130p · 532 weeks ago

I have seven very lovely aunts, none of whom are prone to delivering lectures on capitalism or have had poor previous experiences with my sister, and all would most likely send a check and a nice gushy note. And I would still be terrified to ask any of them for money.

Connie has some gumption, is all.

1 reply · active 532 weeks ago

+19 Vote up Vote down

stirringsofconsciousness 117p · 532 weeks ago

And I thought I had it rough when my aunt refused to send birthday presents if I didn't send her a thank you note for the previous gift.

+83 Vote up Vote down

chickpeas · 532 weeks ago

I like how this letter goes from fairly decent life advice (don't take on debt you can't repay, don't borrow money for frivolous things) to BALLS-OUT CRAZY with absolutely nothing in between.

+34 Vote up Vote down

Samk12345 114p · 532 weeks ago

I'd like to imagine Rand also asked for the contract to be signed with blood

1 reply · active 532 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

Ling · 532 weeks ago

I'm most confused at the fact that she's only asking to be repaid $15, right? 5+4+3+2+1=15? And that "will repay the total"?

3 replies · active 532 weeks ago

+51 Vote up Vote down

yethird 81p · 532 weeks ago

It is commonly believed that at some point in her career, Rand got afflicted with cancer.

It is my honest opinion that history has it wrong - it was cancer that was the victim.

2 replies · active 442 weeks ago

+40 Vote up Vote down

Danielle B. · 532 weeks ago

Best part: "I remember you as an adorable kid that sat on my lap and criticized my shoes and haircut."

My money is that Connie was also a bit of an asshole, recognized this in her aunt, totally changed the tone of her 2nd letter, and they both came to a beautiful, mutual, understanding of each other's grumpy criticism of the whole world. Which necessitated no more letters.

1 reply · active 532 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 532 weeks ago

Connie had SOME MOXIE asking her aunt, AYN RAND, who she apparently doesn't even know, for money for a dress.

1 reply · active 532 weeks ago

+123 Vote up Vote down

Mira · 532 weeks ago

You know who should have really gotten the big Randian speech? The parents who encouraged three separate daughters to write to Ayn Rand for money.

+42 Vote up Vote down

Hansen · 532 weeks ago

Not an Ayn Rand fan by any means but whenever I read her stuff the thought that goes through my mind is "who hurt you Ayn? It can't just be the bolshevicks"

$25 in 1949 is about $250 in today's money. It's a bit weird to ask your relative who you've never met for $250 no? Maybe Ayn Rand was actually surrounded by some incredibly terrible family and it drove her to her insane levels of misanthropy. Just a thought.

+69 Vote up Vote down

Jonah · 532 weeks ago

This article is amazing because I've finally realized that my grandmother is Ayn Rand, except with opposite politics. I mean check out these paragraphs from an email she sent me after I graduated college:

"So here's my offer: I'd like to send you about four books a year, drawn
from the list of books that have had the greatest influence on how I see
life. I have no wish to impose my views on you, only to share them so
you can pick what fits for you. Whether she realizes it or not, this is
how I raised your mother -- exposing her to as many ideas and
experiences as I could, so she could find her way in the world. You've
found your goal, at least for now, and where I want to expose you is to
world views that might not otherwise come your way. Will you let me do
that?

"If you will, I want one thing in return: I want you to read the first
100 pages or so of whatever I send you. If you don't want to continue
after you've give the book that much of a try, I won't have a problem
with that. Actually, I'm not going to check up on whether you've read
that much; if you tell me you will, I'll believe you."

(Dear grandma, sorry for sharing old private emails online, also I'm glad you're reading this blog.)

3 replies · active 532 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

Cineberg · 532 weeks ago

Rand must have bee high functioning Assburgers (spelling intentional) or at least suffering from Sheldon. big BAng Theory syndrome........

+12 Vote up Vote down

Alluvial_Fan · 532 weeks ago

Mallory, your continued empathy for Rand is starting to seep in. I kinda like it. I wouldn't have paid attention to the good advice bits, only the asshole bits, without your commentary.

+10 Vote up Vote down

Scott · 532 weeks ago

The female incarnation of Ebenezer Scrooge...sincere apologies to Mr. Scrooge.

+31 Vote up Vote down

astrolavista 0p · 532 weeks ago

"I am going to put you to a test." So far, Rand's relatives had failed prior tests by not keeping their agreements. Connie was theoretically looking for a loan, not a gift or a handout. Rand took her at her word and even offered easier terms than Connie requested in exchange for an ironclad promise to repay. Rand obviously knew that there were good odds that as time went by her "loan" would morph into a gift without further clarification up front. How many relationships turn sour when folks do not keep their agreements? Her letter makes sense to me.

+13 Vote up Vote down

Jeremy · 532 weeks ago

This letter exactly summed up a deal made on the show Gilmore Girls when her grandparents offer to pay for her college.

1 reply · active 532 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

Iris · 532 weeks ago

You just KNOW the dress was silvery-green with lace up to the throat. And a giant fur. If it were any other kind of dress Ayn would have sent a letter explaining why the dress made Connie a horrible person.

+20 Vote up Vote down

Mary · 532 weeks ago

Why does the first letter sound like it was written by FAFSA?

+19 Vote up Vote down

NeverLendMoney · 532 weeks ago

I have lent money to two of my wifes relatives... both fall into the category that Ayn mentioned. One is a mooch (as is the rest of her family) who doesn't want to work. We later turned it into a gift because they could not pay it back. The other, keeps mooching off of others to live a lavish lifestyle and doesn't even acknowledge how much we've given them.

Scumbags.

I will NEVER lend money to anyone again.

Just had to get that out into the open.

+36 Vote up Vote down

Mark · 532 weeks ago

Connie Shrugged...

+3 Vote up Vote down

Erin · 532 weeks ago

this is hilarious! Thank You for this post- it brings me back to my high school years of reading Ayn and taking it all too seriously..
These comments are just as entertaining as the letters too.

+12 Vote up Vote down

Tim · 531 weeks ago

That Ayn would loan money without charging interest goes against everything a proper capitalist would stand for. Therefore either Ayn or the letter is not the genuine article, or Ayn had a shred of altruism (at least when it came to buying nice dresses).

1 reply · active 442 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

Kerry Reid · 531 weeks ago

The really funny part is that Rand lived off the kindness of relatives when she first moved to the States. Seems rather irresponsible of her to move to a foreign country without sufficient savings to support herself or a steady job waiting for her, eh?

+11 Vote up Vote down

Elphie · 525 weeks ago

I'll forever be bitter that 'Atlas Shrugged', which is a FANTASTIC book title, was WASTED by Ayn Rand...

+2 Vote up Vote down

junkdrawer2 0p · 522 weeks ago

I can't stop thinking about how much she would HATE me...

+7 Vote up Vote down

Evan · 501 weeks ago

"no honest person feels that he is obliged to support his relatives"

Classic!

Your mom fell and broke her hip -- let her die in a pool of her own shit!

Your children? You have no obligation to your children. You should only feed infants inasmush as they provide amusement equal in monetary value to cost of raw materials and time invested in food preparation and delivery. After that (usually around 18 months) they are on their own!

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