Let me give you some numbers that I’m supposed to guard with my life.
I’m 5-foot-3-inches and somewhere north of 300 pounds, though I couldn’t tell you exactly where. I’m a U.S. size 28/30, but getting dresses that fit off the rack is a pain in the ass because my hips are seventy inches around but my bra size is a 46B.
I am not a little chubby. I am not a few pounds over some arbitrary acceptable weight. I am very, very fat. I have a huge stomach and arm fat that flaps for days. I do not have the large breasts and tiny waist that would make me into an hourglass. My thighs are so far from having a gap that any day now they could meld together and transform me into a glorious mermaid.
My curves are not in all the right places but they still bring men to their knees.
This, despite the fact that I have been told that because I am fat I can’t expect to be loved, desired, to have my body worshipped as a temple.
This, despite the fact that I have been told to accept any scraps of attention thrown my way because fat women are not allowed the luxury of standards. Our relationships are punch lines, not love stories.
And yet I have been loved, by men a foot taller than me and just as wide, by men at my height and skinny as a rail. I have been loved by men both plain and handsome. I have been loved by teenage boys and by men twice my age.
I have been loved poorly by men who couldn’t get past their own misunderstandings of what love should look like, and in moments of greatness, those same men have loved me beautifully. I have been loved by boys that I didn’t love back. They have wooed me and I have said no. I have been the sea witch in a low cut strapless dress that clung to the rolls of fat on my back, with thick arms bare and jiggling, and I have made deals for hearts that I then broke.
It’s not that these are noble or desperate men willing to see past my fat. I am not someone to be chosen as a last resort, but someone to be lusted after and pursued.
I am not, never have been, and never will be a pity fuck.
My bed is also not the domain of fat fetishists. They are rarely welcome at all, because they are too prone to not seeing the woman within the fat. They don’t care about the woman who’s too shy to offer the first kiss, who gets a little pushy when the foreplay moves too slow, whose orgasms drive her to giggles. Although I am a sexual being, I am not an object. I can do so much better than men who see only my fat body and what they can do to it.
I have been the chosen one among a group of women more traditionally pretty than me and I have been on the other side, doing the selecting. I have gone man to man to man and kissed them hard to feel if our lips lined up and if they knew the right way to pull my hair and bite the point where my neck meets my shoulder. I am picky and I will dismiss a man who is not to my liking, and there will be someone else in line waiting to be tested.
Men look on my naked fat body in the full light – because I don’t have sex in the dark – and grow hard at the sight of me. I have had my stomach cradled in gentle hands and been told in reverent whispers that I look like an ancient fertility goddess. I have had those hands turn rough and squeeze my stomach fat as passionately as one might squeeze a thigh or a breast.
My fat does not get in the way of my ability to have sex. Fat people are perfectly capable of putting their parts together in as many combinations as skinny people. We can fuck like animals at dusk or make love on satin sheets. Our fat jiggles in tune to thrusts and when we are done we make the softest pillows for a lover’s head.
I can be the cowgirl in bed and I do not crush the men beneath me, not in any way they don’t enjoy. I ride them and they hold my hips, my stomach, fingers digging into mounds of flesh and never feeling bone because it is too well hidden.
Men have begged me to let them pay for a taxi to their houses so they could have me in their beds for one night and I have refused. I have never had to beg for sex – except when I wanted to.
My fatness has never been an obstacle to finding someone to love or to fuck because any man worth my time will revel in all seventy inches of my hips and see passion in my stretch marks. He will not say, “You’re not fat! You’re pretty!” because he’ll know that I am both. He will not speak of my inner beauty without mentioning the beauty all over my outsides.
It’s somehow more comfortable for society to label fat people disgusting than to acknowledge our desirability. The propaganda is so pervasive that fat people must fight not to believe it of ourselves. We look at our bodies in bits and pieces because we are taught that the whole is too much. We feel a lover’s hands on our fat thighs and we have to trust that the hand wouldn’t be there if its owner didn’t want us.
We eat the messages that call us repulsive and we let stomach acid destroy the words and we march forward. We flirt with another fat girl at the coffee shop. We welcome a skinny boy to lose himself between our legs. We learn to stand naked in front of full length mirrors and see our many inches as a whole.
We learn to fall in love with ourselves.
Tags: body image, sarah hollowell, sex, the butter
I am trying to start dating again as a fat lady and man did I need to read this. Thank you.
Fat is fertile, female, and wild! I am thin, menopausal, and so jealous of you. Damn.
That’s not the answer! You are gorgeous and feminine and sexy as hell at any size or age!
I feel like the only appropriate reaction to this piece is to stand up and shout “yes!”
Fuck yeah!
I wish I had half your awesome.
Yes!
Amazing. Really enjoyed this piece.
Thank you so much for this.
HELL YESSSS!! Well said, this is magnificent!
I agree whole heartedly with you Lauralyzer that the story is so right on and true. thanks for your comment. Richie said that.
Thanks so much for this. It’s so difficult to let myself believe this, as a young woman clinging to her “just-south-of-plus-size-if-only-the-damn-companies-won’t-stop-changing-the-sizes-on-me” status, and yet I still feel enormous, invisible, and ignored.
I am sad every time I let another woman (I find it is often women?) push me to change, give me the “you could look just like those girls if only you–” speech, or who I have to give the, “you know what? Don’t worry about me being lonely, that guy who pursued me thought I was AMAZING” speech to. There’s only been one guy who contradicted those notions for me, but hearing this gives me hope that my inner voice isn’t wrong, I can want to be loved too.
Sarah, this piece has finally pushed me over the edge to making an account and commenting, because I need to tell you:
It is because of women like you and pieces like this that I stopped looking in the mirror and going “stummick,” and started looking in the mirror and seeing Venus.
Rock. Fuckin’. On.
On the one hand, this makes me happy because it gives me hope, but on the other it sort of bums me out because my romantic life is a tumbleweed slowly rolling down the street of the town from The Last Picture Show. I’m just not sure where all the guys who want to date someone like me are. I volunteer, I go to parties, I try to get out there and be upbeat and outgoing, I have an ok cupid profile, but mostly it’s “you’re so nice! You’re like my awesome sister I never had!” and “does your friend have a boyfriend?”
Clearly my fat is not the dispositive factor in why I’m single, but that just leads me to torment myself about what is.
(I could also just be an unpleasant bitch. There’s always that possibliity.)
You say unpleasant bitch like that’s a bad thing.
I totally feel you! I’m awesome, lovely, and rad, and am in the same dateless boat.
*moves my cat to grab an oar* Yep.
Get ahold of the movie “The Fisher King” and enjoy it until you get to the part where Mercedes Ruehl’s character instructs Amanda Plummer’s on becoming her best self. It’s the best advice I can give you.
WORD. I had an awesome dating life until I moved to Boston years ago, and now it’s tumbleweed city. I have dated ONE PERSON in five years (and only for a few months), after a lifetime of dates and relationships and make outs and flirtations. What happened?! (Boston is no doubt a factor, but can’t be the only one, and like you, I do all the things I’m supposed to do to meet people and make friends and Put Myself Out There!)
Grump.
[Edited to add: And I date men and women and anyone in between, sooooo I’m TRULY DOING MY PART, world!]
Badass.
This is now my required reading every morning.
Hot damn! I enjoyed reading this so much and am suddenly feeling much better than usual about my various curves and wobbles.
Yes. We need more of this, of you.
oh wow, ugly crying at my desk. didn’t see that coming.
I love this, this is beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear. (I am with a man now who makes me feel sexy and beautiful, and I am not thin. But dang I would like to feel that way on my own, you know? I appreciate him and care for him deeply, and I’m grateful for the perspective he’s given me on my body, but I’m hoping I can keep it, regardless of what happens to us.)
Also, forever and eternally grateful for the comment moderating on the Toast. This article on any other website would have the most evil comments, and here I know we’re safe.
Rowr! This essay was hot.
right on
OMG! This was amazing, first of all. THANK YOU for writing it, and for reminding me of what I only sometimes know is true.
Second of all–Toasties! Have you read Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love, and Fashion? It is an amazing book, highly recommended, and it really helped me start learning to love my body and lose the shame that I’ve been taught. I recommend it to all of you fierce fat ladies (and ladies who are working on the “fierce” part still!) with my whole heart. Much love to all of you, my fellow jiggly and luscious warriors!!
Uh, this was quite sexy. Quite.
This is wonderful!
Sarah, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you are the fucking bomb.
IF you could share where you find these men, a confident, lovely, in-love-with-herself fatty who can not find dates would be EVER so thankful to know!
Dear NASA, SpaceX, etc- the next time we send some gold record into space with a “This is who lives on Earth” etched into it?- Save room for ms Hollowell’s message and make sure the whole thing gets on there.
DAA-YUMMM. This is hot. And also, FUCK those people who sit on piles of money made by telling women that unless you’re *this* exact kind of person you are undesirable and unlovable. It makes even those people feel insecure as hell, let alone the rest of us. Anyway, thank you 🙂
This is beautifully written and gives me such a wonderful feeling of confidence.
This was amazing! Thank you!
Thanks for writing this awesome piece. I am a fat woman who recently got divorced after 12 years with a man who made me feel disgusted with myself. Over the past few months I have started dating again and realized that IT WAS HIM, NOT ME that was broken. Like you, I have found that there are all sorts of lovely men who most definitely want what I have going on. Do I need to lose weight? Yes. For my health and general well being. But I will never lose weight to fit some societal norm of what is “sexy”. You are a rock star!!!
Love this post. Ur lucky you have learned to love yourself. Even after several relationships where he has worshipped me, I still struggle. But you’re totally right. Men aren’t nearly as shallow as society is. Thanks for this post!
“Men aren’t nearly as shallow as society is.”
BRB, embroidering it on a pillow. Excellent mantra.
This was so brilliantly simple and to the point. Than you for sharing!
It’s amazing to me when a smaller person is confused how people larger can have sex…. oh just like smaller people do…. we also kiss like everyone else too… love, hug and cuddle like everyone else. ..
I love this. Thank you. When I was engaged to my husband, people were super rude to me because they were in awe that I had landed a man. “You’re engaged???” Not excitement but surprise. Guess what? I’ve always been fat, never had to go stag to a school dance in high school, had plenty of boyfriends, thin, fat ,short and tall, black and white, I had boyfriends before and for longer periods of time than some of my more attractive friends (well, more attractive according to society). I have had many men fall in love with me, the whole me, not despite my weight, they just loved me, all of me. And my husband is no different. he loves my big thighs and ass, and willingly tells me I am beautiful, he tells his friends and family that too. Preach it girl! (and you figured this out so much earlier than I have…good for you)
Beautiful. I wish I felt the same way
I waited to read this because I suspected it would leave a mark or two on me. I wasn’t wrong. Beautiful writing with bite.
Just want to say thank you for writing this, it was exactly what I needed to read right now.
This was amazing. Every time you could possibly say, “Yeah, but,” she is there to KICK YOU ASS with another great line that hits it home. No yeah but. It is that simple.
I haven’t dated in 10 years. I’m 450 lbs and 5 foot 8 inches. I convinced myself that I was never going to meet someone or have sex or make love again. No one would ever want me the way I am, I don’t even want me the way I am. Last week I met someone. And we are not labeled, but we are interested. He’s a good guy and we are taking it really slow. But I’m worried about the sex part. I’ve never had sex this big, and there is chafing and all the other issues that come with being super obese. I read this and I cried. It’s beautiful. I hope I get there someday.
You are going to be fine. Better than fine. You’ll be great–because you already are. Try not to be afraid.
I recommend reading Big Big Love by Hanne Blank. Excellent book about just the sorts of concerns you seem to have.
This is late, but YES
I am coming to terms with this for myself. The only person I’ve ever been with is my tall, strong, sexy husband who physically doesn’t SEEM would like my nearly 300 lb 5.8″ size 22 self but just adores me. I struggled thinking he wouldn’t be turned on to see me nude the first time and oh how wrong I was. He was as excited as I was and has stayed that way. I do all the things I worried I wouldn’t be able to and more. I feel desired, sexy and loved and it has nothing to do with my size but just being me. He tells me he’d love me bigger or smaller but as long as I am me. He loved me for me from the beginning and I am slowly believing him. I have decided to let go of the men who wanted to be with me in the night but ignore me in the day light, which is why I am glad I didn’t give them the time of day then. Beautiful piece that I identify with. Wonderful 🙂
Amen.
Amazing post! PREACH! You just described my experiences down to a T!
Can you write another one about being old? 😉
This was an AMAZING piece, but it is just so hard for me to believe. I am a beautiful and confident 270+ and I just don’t know these men she speaks of. I will never allow a man to allow me to feel less than or settle for less than what I am worth, BUT I am most definitely lonely for it. I run across them periodically on-line, but getting the love and attention from a wide variety of quality men on a regular is unheard of for me. I absolutely got hit on more when I was thinner (I am a size 18/20 now). What am I missing, here?
I agree with Blackbuttrfly. I wish I could believe it. It’s not that I don’t get men, I just don’t get the ones that I want. I do get the fetishists and the scammers who think you are an easy mark and so desperate you will fall for their shite. I don’t get the upwardly mobile Latin, Mixed Race or European white male (who at least more open to interracial dating), I desire. I don’t get the sincere earnest man. I’m both black and fat which that makes me doubly invisible to the audience I wish to be adored by. I’ve had harsh things said both in front of and behind my back. I have had fleeting encounters, and each failed attempt leaves me more damaged and afraid to try again. Why are your experiences so remarkably different than mine? Sometimes I feel like I am the elephant woman. I am not an animal.
I can tell just by reading what you said that you are an amazing human being. I hope that you find what you are looking for. You deserve the best of everything!
I cried at the end of reading this. I am not a pity fuck. I am not a fetish. I am not someone who has to drop her standards to find a man. I am a woman, I am intelligent, I am sexy, and I refuse to think of my soul and body as anything less. I’m Venus, baby.
Fuck yes girl! This is what our movement is all about!! 🙂
I did not expect to cry on the train to work this morning. I was not expecting this to hit as far as it did. You see, I’m with an autistic man that has a hard time talking about feelings. And I am a fat woman. I am a gloriously beautiful fat, redheaded, tattooed pinup, and it took me going to NYC and having a stranger fall in love with me, before my boyfriend of 4 years could tell me he thought I was beautiful. It’s a struggle that I blame on my weight. I tell myself that “If only I was skinnier, he would tell me this more often.” And now I am reminded of the men that passionately WANT me. The ones that want to fly me across the country to spend a weekend with them. The ones that turn away from their skinny dates at bars to watch me walk across the room. The ones that steal kisses when they are performing immersive theater, even though they risk their jobs to do so. And I think to myself “Why am I settling?! Is this “love” worth it?”
Thank you so very much for your voice, for your candid approach on life, for your willingness to step forward and talk about these kinds of things. Thank you for being your fat, fabulous, loving, caring, sexual, self. Thank you for being you, thank you for being all of you.
-medicinalink
This was beautiful & so very well written. I am a devoted fan hereafter.
I am 5’6″, a little over 300 pounds & a size 22. I have always been a little larger than average, but this recent weight gain has me questioning my attractiveness. I never really worried about the jiggles & what everything looks like in the heat of the moment. I never really even thought about that type of thing…until a few years ago when I started really gaining weight. I have a man who loves me. He says he loves my body. He thinks I am beautiful with jigglies or without. He doesn’t notice those, especially in the heat of the moment. I’m trying so very hard to think of myself the way you see yourself.
This article is making me think about that today…positively & negatively. I don’t think anyone overcomes their issues overnight but this piece goes so quickly straight to the heart of it that I will be re-reading it frequently for just that reason. Thank you for your words.
I am 51 years old. I weigh over 250 lbs. I am NOT kidding when I say that I am more desirable and sexy than when I was 15 yrs younger and thinner. I am often told on a weekly basis by a lover how hot and sexy I am. Yes, men chase me and masturbate to the thought of me. I know this because they tell me. Confidence goes far where perception is involved.
Seriously, thank you for this. I’m a 40B 55″ hipped goddess and I too have never begged or settled. I’ve had countless people tell me I’m too picky and that I should lower my standards. Thank you for reminding me that it’s bull shit, that we do not have to lower anything including our measurements, to get what we want. You are a fucking goddess and I commend you for this.
Thank you. I wish I had seen this earlier. I was 36 years old, 5 foot 8, somewhere around 450 pounds before I was ever touched or kissed by a man. Lets say that as a fat virgin you learn to ignore that part of life.
After that first kiss my attitude changed (it still was another year before I lost my virginity…at 37). The only thing I regret is that I allowed myself to feel forced into ignoring sex/dating/men because I myself to feel unworthy. The movie 40 year old virgin was becoming less and less funny.
I see now how messed up I was. I wish the message of size acceptance (fat or thin) was easier to convey to men AND women at an earlier age.
Loved every beautiful, stick it to society, empowering word. I too have the wobbly bits ontop of the rolls, and always seem to have men chasing me. I believe it’s how you carry yourself,your confidence in the way you hold your head high and give off that “fuck what everyone thinks of me,I’m fucking awesome ” vibe. Thankyou.
Preach!
That was wonderful. Like I always say it’s not how much you carry but how well you carry it. You carry it divinely.
As a soon to be 60 year old 250 lb + woman, this fabulous, awe-inspiring, and beautifully true piece made my heart dance. I’ve never been without someone in my life that loved me, loved my rolls, and loved ME for ME. I’ve had husbands and lovers, young men (18 years younger) and older (32 years older) and each looked at and past my size and loved me fiercely. It takes a true-hearted man to love us, one who ignores the norms of society, the Hollywood “vision” of what beautiful is, and one who looks inside and finds US. I recently lost my husband and although I feel lost without him, I have no fear that I will love and be loved.
Love It!!…..
I think this is a great essay! It’s beautiful that you have had such good experiences. I am happy you have pride in yourself and in your body. I have found life to be quite the opposite of this, however. I have never gone after a man that didn’t pursue me first, and I settled. I had crushes that I never acted on because of the way I look. I’m so glad that you are having such a wonderful life. I hope that all women can feel the way you do.
Man that felt good reading that I can relate to every single word.
Thank you! You are an inspiration.
Omg!! YOU. ABSOLUTELY. POSITIVELY. ROCK.!!!!!!
I just loved this..I feeL like she was telling my story so closely I thought she was watching me…I once had a man that spoke five languages fluently fly me to France for two weeks..I stayed in five star hotels and had him order my meals for me In the language of love so beautifully I blushed…The waiter said something to him in French and when I asked my lover what he had said…he looked at me and the waiter and said” he says you are a lucky man..she’s beautiful…he called me sweet names in five languages and i Understood them all without speaking the language…I have known moments most women only dream of…and I am all women…thank you for bringing me back to that wonderful time of my life…
I could have written this this! I have said and experienced EVERYTHING this writer said. I have never been skinny but the more weight I put on, the more appreciative looks and comments I got. More men (and boy's) started asking me out. Sure there were jerks and discrimination and just plain ignorance. But the more I loved and accepted ME as a whole, the less ignorance I saw (it was probably still there I just never noticed it)
I'm single now , because I moved 800 miles away and in a whole new dating pool. I've yet to see a guy who would be my type and as usual I won't settle settle, especially not for some ads who thinks I should've eternally grateful for breadcrumbs of affection
I could have written this this! I have said and experienced EVERYTHING this writer said. I have never been skinny but the more weight I put on, the more appreciative looks and comments I got. More men (and boy's) started asking me out. Sure there were jerks and discrimination and just plain ignorance. But the more I loved and accepted ME as a whole, the less ignorance I saw (it was probably still there I just never noticed it)
No no no. Never ever be un-proud of what you have!!! <3 <3 Don't be jealous doll
This is stunning – you are an incredible writer <3
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am so DELIGHTED by this essay. Yes, yes, yes, and yes 🙂
You made my day. “We eat the messages that call us repulsive and we let stomach acid destroy the words and we march forward.” BRILLIANT.
I had to stop a minute because this left me speechless. You nailed it, Sis….. seriously. Nailed it.
I am a thin woman but I just bookmarked this essay to remind myself how to use my body to love and how to let my body cradle my spirit. You are beautiful. Thank you.
Perfect words. I find myfelf in these lines. Acutally- my hight and weight is pretty much the some, even the bra size^^ And yes..these words are true for sure. Skinny girls often don´t understand, but there is no difference. If your are feeling good with yourself man are attractive to you. They will spend all their money to make you feel good, to bring you to awesome places, wine and dine you..it´s like they are addicted.
I have been big all my adult life. I’ve never been smaller than a UK size 18 since I was 17 years old. I’m currently a size 24/26 and in January started dating a guy I met on Plenty of Fish. He is much smaller than me and an attractive guy so I was surprised to learn that I have dated a lot more people than he has. I’ve never had trouble attracting people in pretty much any setting. One of my former friends (who was a size 10) told me after a night out once “I love you, but sometimes I could really hate you. You are meant to be my fat friend, not my fat competition.” Don’t get me wrong, I got phone numbers easily, but I had doubts as to the legitimacy of their attention, convinced at times that it was all just a big joke so they could have a laugh with their friends at my expense. Fortunately I got over it and learned that I’m f**king fabulous. My personality won over a lot of people. I do want to be healthier, but I met my significant other when I was the fattest I have ever been and he tells me I’m beautiful, that I have a beautiful body and that he loves everything about me. Physical and non. Despite being the biggest ever weight in my life, I’ve never felt so confident in my own body. Those guys ARE out there.
Glorious and empowering!!! I love it!!
Glorious and empowering!!! I love it!!
Not all fat people assigned female at birth want to be penetrated or have our hair pulled or be treated rough. Some of us want to be brutal to boys. And if someone called me a fertility anything, I’d punch them.