“Solo poly? Is that like jumbo shrimp?”
“Oh, I get it…you can sleep with whoever you want. You must get laid all the time.”
“Must be great being exactly what men are looking for.”
In just a couple short years of dating as a polyamorous woman, I feel like I’ve already heard it all.
What I am, what I want, sounds simple enough to me: “I’m polyamorous — so I often have a few romantic relationships happening at a time that work a lot like friendships with an intimacy bonus. I tack on ‘solo’ and call myself ‘solo poly’ because I’m not shopping for a roommate; I like my own space, freedom, and ridiculous work schedule.”
I’ve only bothered defining myself so thoroughly because, frankly, it’s impolite to mislead people when it can be avoided. And most people I meet — even poly people — are looking for that “anchor partner” with whom to build a life. If I know that won’t be me, potential partners should understand and have a chance to consent to that limitation. Fair is fair.
The frequent reading between the lines and solicitations passed off as clarifications don’t necessarily bother me anymore, but they can get old (which is why I mostly stick to online dating, so we can get through that before the date). It’s also perplexing. When I bother trying to figure out how people end up confused, I end up confused myself.
I’m pretty sure that nowhere in my ten-second descriptor do I say: “My dream life is a string of one-night stands!” One-night stands, for me, mean a lot of work and not a great return on my time investment; I personally find them rather unfulfilling, as I prefer people who are enjoyable both with and without their clothes. I’m also fairly certain I don’t say anything that should sound like: “I seek to serve at the will of an otherwise monogamous couple who hope against hope for a committed-only-to-them bisexual woman.” (I am not that unicorn.)
Dudes especially are often confused, needing to rephrase my already simple explanation into terms they know what to do with. When it comes to flirting and dating, people don’t like curve balls — especially people in my age range. Once someone passes 30 or 35, they just want to flip through their mental playbook and whip something out that’s worked before. Say you want something one of these people has never considered — no matter how appealing it might be if they thought about it — and their confidence takes a blow. That, or they look at you and see an opening to a two-dimensional, personal fantasy they would never propose to an actual human being.
I’ve never been what you’d call good at dating. So when the only adult relationship I’d had finally finished disintegrating, I bought myself subscriptions to every dating site as a belated 30th birthday present. The seed of polyamory was probably planted around eHarmony question five gazillion, when I understood that I didn’t want what most people want from a relationship.
When a friend of a friend ghosted after the third date, I did a cost/benefit analysis and decided I was over it. I wasn’t heartbroken. I was just done wasting time I couldn’t get back. “I think I’m just not going to date,” I told my best friend of ten years.
“What? Were you that into him?”
“It’s not about him. It’s like —” (Shit. How to explain this to someone whose natural state was usually “girlfriend”?) “It’s like playing the lottery. A ticket is only a dollar, but if you play every day, soon you’ve wasted thousands. I think I’m just done wasting my proverbial money when all I get is annoyance and frustration. I’m wasting my time.”
“Oh, Katie, don’t give up!” she said via over-emoticoned text message. “You’ll find someone!”
She’d known me since high school and she was spewing platitudes. I tried to exit the conversation gracefully. She kept at it, finally declaring that I was “emotionally exhausting” — a precursor of all the people who would try to convince me I was mono-normative over the next several years.
The less I cared about trying to date, the easier it was to just be me, and I accidentally ended up in a poly-esque situation with three long-term, non-monogamous partners. I realized I didn’t want to get married — where had I ever gotten the idea that I had to do that anyway? I didn’t want a roommate, let alone someone whose schedule appeared on my calendar. I had enough to juggle and already considered my close friends my family; how was I supposed to partition my time to include someone else’s daily needs? The pie chart of my commitments and priorities didn’t — and don’t — have emotional energy or time available for that.
As I considered the logistics of how I would reshape the pie, it was clear to me that I simply didn’t want to. So why was I trying? This was my life, after all, wasn’t it? Why would anyone else care so much how I lived that they would “emotionally exhaust” themselves in an attempt to bring me back into the fold?
I wasn’t sure, but I knew I was done worrying about it. Scratching “get married” off the master Life To-Do List was a huge relief. I felt free and light and…
Fuck. My current poly situation wasn’t sustainable, as I was moving halfway across the country for work. I had no idea how to replicate it, as it had developed through a series of accidents.
Essentially, all I really knew about my romantic future was what I didn’t want.
I’d find more short-lived relief a couple years later when I stumbled upon the concept of polyamory. While the idea of intimate, committed connection without the restriction of having to find the one was definitely me, it felt like I’d just doomed myself to a dating future as frustrating as my dating past. I eventually landed in the corner of polyamory that fit — the kind that didn’t require me to have an anchor/live-in partner — through trial and error; i.e., an inordinate number of bad, boring first dates.
Adopting the label of “polyamorous” comes with enough raised eyebrows. When I am ordered to give something like an impromptu PowerPoint on “what that means,” the owners of the raised eyebrows are inevitably sorry they asked, as the confusing addition of “solo” requires its own entire presentation. Friends, family, colleagues, random strangers in bars, and people who’ve feigned initiation into the poly vernacular well enough in an online back-and-forth to land the first date all share some variation of disbelief. They all seem to buy into the notion that I’ve created this relationship style for myself on purpose, when in fact it required years of stumbling about haplessly before finally figuring out who I am and what I want at an age when most people are already partnered off.
I still know far more poly women than men, which clouds my anecdotal reporting on how men versus women react when hearing I’m non-monogamous. However, I do get the most straight-up judgement from mono-normative women who assume that being a tiny minority of a tiny minority of a relationship style must be the best, because I sound like what our culture tells men they’re supposed to want: a strong, independent woman who doesn’t demand monogamy.
Yeah, it’s been a real picnic in the early going.
Of course, to be fair, my dating life was mostly a disaster for the 20 years I was trying to cram myself into the hetero/mono box deemed “normal” before realizing who I was and what I wanted. So maybe I can’t put it all on clueless bros and their fondness for worn-out lines, or grass-is-always-greener ladies who see my life as somehow uncomplicated and more interesting. But ask anyone who’s into something others deem unconventional — even people who are largely fulfilled by that kink or love or activity or hobby — and they’ll tell you they spent (okay, spend) an exhaustive amount of time educating the people around them about who they are and “what that means.”
I’m not really sure how other people end up with a particular relationship style. (I’m loathe to call poly my “identity,” because it feels like co-opting the queer community, and I’m not queer.) All I know is that even though it took me until I was 33 to work through the why, I was always twitchy when people asked the typical “catching up” questions because my answers were never “right.”
“Oh, Katie, it’s so good to see you!” an aunt or friend of my mom’s would crow, glancing over my shoulder to see if I had a +1. Seeing none, a hopeful “So, tell me, anyone special in your life these days?” would follow.
I alternated between “Um, not really” and “Oh, a couple here and there” with a toothy grin, depending on my mood. Whichever I went with, my mom, if in earshot, would cock her head to the side and make that noise. “Tck – uhh” — a cross between the scolding “tsk-tsk” people have been making with their tongues and the space right behind their incisors since the beginning of time and a grating noise of pity.
In my early twenties, I hated to disappoint my mom and all the people who I was sure loved me and were becoming increasingly concerned that I wouldn’t meet someone and get married in time to have a horde of children. I’m confident at almost 100% that that noise was entirely about the barren landscape where my mother thought her grandchildren should have been.
“Katie, you look so natural holding him! Look how good he’s being!” my mom and cousin cooed at me when I held my youngest second cousin at a reunion. I’d been hanging with the giggling toddler because he was content to play with my sunglasses and not ask annoying questions about the validity and direction of my life. Cheerios and sunglasses — simple things I could hold in my hand and were easily replaceable if they hit the ground and caught the attention of one of my aunt’s Great Danes.
The pressure from others to conform to their idea of happily-ever-after was like a 50-pound backpack I was constantly carrying around. I assumed this was normal; I didn’t have anyone to ask because everyone around me and everyone I saw in media, entertainment, and the history books seemed down with the standard plan, the usual goals: school (to whatever level) —> meet someone —> court/get engaged —> get married —> buy house and have children. And possibly a dog. You took vacations with your neighbors and neighbors’ kids. Then you retired.
And so it all built. The pressure — and, at times, terror — swelled as I watched the years roll by. Mile-markers in the rearview mirror grew smaller through my late twenties and early thirties. People weren’t even relieved that I didn’t settle down and stay with my abusive ex.
“Whatever happened to Josh?” I got asked at family function after family function.
“Oh, we broke up,” I’d say with a shrug.
The longer I wandered around without a +1, the more awkward those interactions became. It was as though no one knew what to talk to me about. As though nothing was happening to me because I wasn’t partnered.
One day I found myself thinking about children for a split second longer than normal. It hit me that this was the first time I’d really thought of kids as more than a nice idea or an inevitability; I was imagining them as real, tiny humans who would be part of my life every day. Just like that, the idea of “have children” went the way of “get married,” and the Life To-Do List seemed completely blank.
The more I have to explain my intimate life to others, the more I daydream about a culture that doesn’t demand I — or anyone else — do so. What if we didn’t have any assumptions at all? What if, when we went on a first date, we all had to ask the other person what they were looking for and where they’d live if they could live anywhere and whether they want marriage or kids or days full of surfing and golf or knitting and gardening? What if, when we asked someone out, we were actually asking out that person and not shopping for someone to fill a predetermined role we’d imagined for them? Dating shouldn’t be like hiring an assistant or a pet sitter.
None of this is our fault, of course. It’s no wonder we’re all so goal-oriented when everything from the patriarchy to tax law was set up to favor having a traditional life partner — and pretty early in life. Finding someone and settling down by a certain age has less to do with anyone’s biological clock than the combination of a built-in life checklist and the fact that approximately none of us can afford to live without at least one roommate. Hell, many of us can’t even pay off student loans without the security of second income privilege to bridge the unemployment gap and allow us to take chances like changing jobs or moving to a new city.
Dating as myself — pursuing relationships that I find fulfilling, no matter what our culture or tradition tell me I’m supposed to want — is my daily act of rebellion against the status quo. I can’t change the tax code or eliminate student debt by myself, but I can do this one thing my way. And the more people who hear about how I see possibilities instead of dead ends (even if it does mean explaining myself, and non-monogamy, here and there) and more love instead of less and a bigger family instead of none at all, the more this rebellion resonates.
I don’t need to convert people — I am not a polyamory evangelist. I appreciate and delight in things considered (though they need not necessarily be) “traditional”: I cry at weddings when I know people are in love; I fawn over newborns and puppies; I celebrate when my nieces hit developmental milestones like rolling over and mastering the alphabet. I’m more of a satisfaction and liberation evangelist. Because if we all bothered to ask the person across the table or on the neighboring barstool what they dreamed of and imagined, wouldn’t all of our relationships be more founded in love, respect, and fun? Dreams and love are fun, folks. And not just to our romantic partners — to our friends, siblings, colleagues, everyone! I’m here for the fun revolution.
Let’s start by trying something simple that rarely happens: stop assuming and start asking. If we all did that, I’m not the only one who would stop having to justify the things I want. We don’t all have the same Life To-Do Lists — or at least we wouldn’t if we all had the space and support to consider what personally moves us and makes us happy. And happy people require very little explanation.
What you describe is pretty much me for a few years in the late ’80’s. Dating and sexually active with more than one person at a time (all fully disclosed up front), no interest in a monogamous relationship (did that, spent way too much time and emotion on dead-ends), and open to the odd one-night stand. Had a great time, got everything from frowning disapproval to “good for you – have fun” from people. It was really a less puritanical time for the most part. What happened eventually was that some of my longer-term dates suddenly wanted to get married, wanted me to give up dating other people and be exclusive. I think it was partly that we were all getting into our thirties and partly that I had a greater perceived value with more than one person being interested. Eventually I did end up marrying the right one (yay me – 25th anniversary next year), but I doubt that would have happened without my years of happy poly dating.
I was here myself 2 years ago, right before I met my current partner. It was SO FUN and I thoroughly recommend it to anyone who has a chance.
Thread to brainstorm answers to the question “is there someone special in your life?” when there might be one or more special people in your life but none that you are monogamously partnered with or plan to marry, which you know is the real meaning of that question.
“Everyone in my life is special.”
Done. Because my friends, colleagues, neighbors, and partner(s) are all special.
I always wanted to give that one relative a wide-eyed look and reply, “We’re *all* special, Uncle Bob. Mr. Rogers says so.”
HAHAHA. This is outstanding. I think I’ll see how that works for myself….
I’ve never been poly, but I did once reply to my aunt’s question of “How’s your love life?” with “Out of batteries at the moment.”
But that may not be an appropriate response to anyone other than my Aunt Linda, who had been including condoms and dick-shaped lollipops in my birthday cards since I was 16.
“How much time you got”? Then just start spewing about all of the ppl in your life that are “special”, what makes them special, and what you especially like about them. Do not mention sex. Watch them back away.
“I’m not dating anyone exclusively at the moment, and it isn’t a priority for me.”
“I am REALLY enjoying the single life (*wink*).”
“I will never marry, but I plan to keep many lovers.”
People literally never believe me when I try that first one. I can always sense that they think I’m embarrassed or skirting the issue, which I’m not. I’m just telling the truth!
“Yes, lots! …No, none at all.”
I am SO happy to see this on the Toast! And I am SO happy for you! Solo poly is… well, since I currently live with my boyfriend, it’s probably not how I would choose to define myself for the moment, but moving towards that kind of relationship structure is a goal of mine once I become more financially stable. I definitely feel you about being asked to explain over and over and over… I fortunately figured out that I am orientationally incapable of monogamy at 17, so I’ve been poly my entire adult life. Now that some of my friends are finally figuring it out, I find myself in the awkward position of being a sage advice-giver to people sometimes 10 years older than me! But it’s weird, because the experience I have as someone who has just always done things this way doesn’t really line up with the experience of opening up a relationship or pursuing partnered-style polyamory on purpose, and it’s hard to explain the shades of nuance to someone who’s JUST discovered that this is even possible. This article is definitely going on the standard list of internet resources that I send people when they come out as poly to me.
(FWIW, I wouldn’t worry about co-opting orientation language when it comes to poly. I think relationship orientation can be just as flexible or rigid as any other sexual preference. In my experience there are basically 3 kinds of relationship orientations – polyamorous, monogamous and “flexiamorous”, a word my friends and I coined to describe someone who could do monogamy in the right context but also enjoys poly relationships or vice versa. It’s not co-opting queerness unless someone decided to call themselves queer *because* they’re poly)
Oops, I forgot to include aromantic, which is definitely a legit romantic orientation too.
FELXIAMOROUS – that is brilliant.
“One day I found myself thinking about children for a split second longer than normal. It hit me that this was the first time I’d really thought of kids as more than a nice idea or an inevitability; I was imagining them as real, tiny humans who would be part of my life every day. Just like that, the idea of “have children” went the way of “get married,” and the Life To-Do List seemed completely blank.”
Oh my god, yes.
This was a well-written piece on a topic that is difficult to address. Katie did a great job of explaining the concept while preserving her sexual/physical privacy and intellectual dignity. I love to read about people who are able to see all the possibilities life offers instead of just their limited cultural menu.
Regarding not having kids, I really enjoyed the book Kid Me Not edited by Aralyn Hughes. It is a collection of personal essays by women coming of age in the 1960s on why and how they chose not to have children, and what the consequences and rewards have been. There are probably more erudite books on the subject, but I appreciated the guts it took for these women to make that decision at that time, and the honesty with which they discussed how their lives have been shaped by their choices.
as someone who has been doing the poly thing for a little while but recently maybe figured out that i should maybe also do the solo thing for a while and just *not care* about dating, i was really really glad to see this.
I didn’t know “solo” was an option.
I’m only twenty-six and now we’re married. I do love her, terribly fiercely, but we were long-distance for most of our relationship and I’m starting to wonder if we would have worked better like that, pursuing separate lives and separate lovers and just being terribly-intense-friends-and-writing-partners-who-are-also-compatible-in-bed. We live together well enough, she’s my best friend, but I feel like I have to cut off half my heart to keep her from just… shutting down and not talking to me even though we live in the same house.
I’m sorry. This is only tangentially related. But you have your self so together, at least from this article, and the commentariat here tends to be of the same level of Having Their Shit Together, and I don’t know where else I CAN ask for advice about this. The poly spaces locally are full of mutual friends who don’t know we’ve been having problems since the legal thing over the summer. I just don’t know what to do: I have a partner I love who up until I actually started finding people I was attracted to was perfectly okay with being poly and said she was herself. How do I handle this like an adult?
D:
sounds like you should consider living separately. being married doesn’t mean you have to share a household, and if things were good long-distance, they might be good short-distance-but-separate.
Have you considered writing to Captain Awkward about your situation? Then you could benefit not only from her advice but from the advice of the commenters – and odds are that at least one of them has been in a similar situation.
I will tell you a secret- none of us have our shit together. We all have days and weeks and years that we feel like we have no idea what we’re doing. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of big changes to deal with recently and talking through how you feel about them with an unbiased someone might be helpful. Maybe schedule a few therapy sessions- by yourself at first and then maybe couple’s therapy if you decide that’s a thing you’d like to try.
How do you handle it like an adult? You figure out what’s not working, and you figure out how to make it work better.
You figure it out by reading*, talking to friends, talking to your partner, journaling, talking to a therapist, etc etc. You fix it by working on yourself, working on your relationship. Relationship transitions are HARD. But relationships aren’t more important than the people inside them, and you need to make sure that both of you are getting your needs met.
In the meantime, do you have a space of your own? A room, a desk, a closet, a corner, a chair, something, somewhere that’s YOURS?
*maybe try reading Opening Up and/or More Than Two if you haven’t already.
someone else already said this, but I really strongly recommend writing in to Captain Awkward, checking out Captain Awkward’s archives, and/or posting about this on the Friends of Captain Awkward forum. CA is a blogger who gives kind & wise advice, and the community around her is full of open-minded and caring people, many of whom are poly. Whatever you do, best of luck to you in dealing with this difficult situation!
very very happy to see this on the Toast.
very very happy.
have not yet decided if It Me, but maybe, but for sure have experienced the weird hostility to the “i might never settle down with anyone” concept. from people who …. don’t really have a stake in the matter? which is so strange! i can see why my mom would dislike it, but platonic lady friends? hmm.
It could be being prescriptive traditionalists, or it could be feeling insecure about their own choices, or it could be honest concern for you. I say this last one because I’ve been had a lady friend who switched from “lookin for twu wuv” to “sleep with strangers and take off in the morning” very quickly, and her “I’ll never settle down” talk seemed rooted in depression and self-destructive tendencies rather than her actually realizing she preferred independent living and non-monogamy. If your platonic lady friends are the last kind of friend, and you’re approaching non-monog from a place of health and happiness, I’m sure it’ll be self-evident and they’ll come around fairly quickly. 🙂
Maybe they are jealous sometimes?
that is also a realistic hypothetical, internet stranger to whom i have never voiced any of my personal details and/or soul contents! a very realistic hypothetical.
While personally I feel that “solo poly” is perhaps a little confusing when compared to simple, clean “non-monogamous”, and that maybe you could avoid your “jumbo shrimp” responses there with a switch in terminology (at least among olds/randos at the family reunion), it’s your life! Congratulations on finding a lifestyle that works for you, and being able to be open and honest about it.
Except “solo poly” provides way more information and context than “non monogamous”. Nonmonog has a LOT of options, so if you say that, you still need to do a LOT of explaining. At least solo poly does mean something to SOME people.
Yep, solo poly is much more descriptive; a lot of people will assume that you’re still looking for someone to move in with and have a primary-style relationship with if you just say non-monogamous, and sometimes that’s the pre-conceived notion you’re trying to dispel.
Solo poly is the term of use within the community – much like “femme lesbian” might appear to be a contradiction in terms to an uninformed outsider, “solo poly” makes perfect sense when the full range of expressions and styles within non-monogamy is considered.
Non-monogamy is an even broader term than polyamoury, by the way. It covers everything from casual dating to swinging to multiple marriage! It doesn’t actually tell you much, except that your heart/boner is theoretially available to more than one person
Found this, and I could swear there’s a more recent version that actually has solo poly on it (maybe in More Than Two?), but here’s an idea of how many different meanings “non-monogomy” has:
I recently discovered the term solo poly (in a Toastie open thread, yay Toasites!) and it feels really right for me. I’ve always known I didn’t want to get married or have kids, but only in the last 3-4 years have I realized that I am not looking for an “anchor” partner or someone to live with or try to spend my whole life with (legally binding or not). I’ve lived with a partner and enjoyed it at the time, but am not looking to do it again, and I’m not looking to be exclusive with anyone (although I do go through periods where I don’t have the emotional energy to date more than one person, the option is always there as a possibility). I fell into polyamory because what I was looking for out of a relationship really suited a lot of people who were in poly relationships with an anchor partner. The amount of time and energy I was willing to give to a relationship matched what a lot of people were able to give to a secondary partner.
Like the author, I’ve found it easier to describe what I’m not looking for than what I’m looking for, but I’m slowly figuring out more about I do want my life to look like:
-I want to love joyfully and with an open heart
-I want to be able to explore the potential of each relationship I engage in and shape it together with the other person as we go, rather than trying to follow a roadmap
-I do not want to depend on any one relationship for company, intimacy or support, but to work hard at establishing those things in all of my significant relationships, be they with friends, lovers or family
-I do not want to organize my life (career, where I choose to live, living arrangements) around a romantic partner
On the identity note: I am queer and have no quarrel with people who use poly as an identity. For me though, it doesn’t feel the same: queer is something I am, poly is something I do. This has all sorts of interesting implications. For instance, I sometimes feel the need to be really private about my poly relationships (e.g. I am dating a married person who has kids, and they don’t want their choices to affect how people treat their children, which is totally legit because people are unreasonably judgemental about how this will affect children). It feels strange to edit myself because I am used to being super open about being queer, but it doesn’t feel as damaging as being in the closet felt because it doesn’t feel like I’m hiding an essential part of who I am.
I think you might find this blog helpful – and feel free to message me on tumblr if you want to talk more http://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polya…
Strophoria.tumblr.com
Yes, I love that blog! Found it through the aforementioned open thread.
I’ve followed you on tumblr! I prefer to keep my id here separate, so I won’t say my username here.
“What if, when we asked someone out, we were actually asking out that person and not shopping for someone to fill a predetermined role we’d imagined for them?”
I love this bit. I, too, am not a poly evangelist. It’s in popular culture enough that if nonmogs just worry about visibility, the right people should find their way to ethical nonmonogamy all on their own.
But I am an evangelist about effective communication, about not assuming that everyone is interested in the relationship escalator, that relationships are a set of negotiations, and that relationships are best when people make choices rather than assumptions. Mono or not? Live together or not? Sex or not? Kids or not? Marriage or not? So much of the really good advice to poly people is also really good advice to mono people, because we all have competing priorities, more than one important person in our lives, and difficulty in how we hash these things out!
And just because someone opts into one cultural default (ie- monogamy) doesn’t mean that the person is interested in all of them (ie- kids).
elationships are best when people make choices rather than assumptions
Oof, I only realized in retrospect that the one relationship in my life that led to co-habitation played out the way it did because he had the more assertive personality and I found it easier to go along with the relationship path he wanted to take than make my own choices. He assumed I wanted the same things and I was too young to have fully formulated what I did and did not want. Glad to have come out on the other side with a much clearer view of myself (although it took a good amount of pain and difficulty to get there).
This is really great from start to finish. This bit struck me in particular,
“What if we didn’t have any assumptions at all? What if, when we went on a first date, we all had to ask the other person what they were looking for and where they’d live if they could live anywhere and whether they want marriage or kids or days full of surfing and golf or knitting and gardening?”
This is so important. Finding these things out early on saves a lot of time and heart ache.
Oh, thank you for this lovely piece! I’m so excited to see more poly work on The Toast.
And oof, the brutal trial and error, try different things that fail until one doesn’t stage of discovering what works for you — that lasted years and years for me until I found my current setup. It was such a relief when I realized what I wanted and how to work in relationships.
And soon I’m about to disrupt the whole thing: I do want to have kids, but that probably means ending things with my lovely boyfriend of six years so my husband and I can start trying. Ah, well… costs and benefits
Love this, thanks! I’m poly and have been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple years of how I want to structure and pursue relationships; while I don’t quite identify that way, a LOT of what I’ve seen solo poly folks say resonates with me. And honestly I’m always happy to see good discussion about polyamory because it just doesn’t come up that often. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I’m geared toward cis/straight monogamy. But after two divorces and realizing I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for a fully committed, enmeshed, monogamous relationship while I finish my priority of raising my kiddos, I’m left with a sense that I don’t “fit” or am somehow to be pitied by others.
Plus I miss many of the perks of having a partner, though I’m certainly busy enough and my life is full.
Thank you for sharing of yourself so articulately and soulfully. It helps me be gentler with myself when the voice in my head tries to tell me what a judgy super concerned society thinks.
And I’m glad you’ve done this work for your sake you can just link to this post in your dating profile bios 🙂
Why cis? I know plenty of monogamous straight trans people
To clarify: I’m cis. Personal identifier.
Ah okay, I misinterpreted you, sorry!
Nosey parkers gonna nose, but you’d probably have to do less awkward explaining to do if you took a calm baseline of “none of your business.” Not on dates, for obvious reasons, and probably you’re going to have occasionally go over it with your mom, but why do, e.g., your coworkers need an explanation of your relationship priorities? Sometimes we get so invested in working out certain of our identity categories that we assume that everyone else is equally invested (or at least that it’s as important for them to know as for you). As a never-married woman about your age (not opposed to it, would just need a really good offer), I rarely find myself fielding these kinds of questions, at least past the very first casual inquiry. Now, if you like talking about it, cool. But if you find it uncomfortable/exhausting (as it seems you do), then…don’t. You’ve got nothing to prove.
“Solo poly” is what I’ve been for five years now without knowing the words, and my path there was remarkably — almost eerily — like this. Thank you so much for writing this and giving voice to something I’ve been struggling happily with.
I am shocked at how much this echoes what I felt when I got married when I was 22, except I didn’t get to feel like I was smashing the patriarchy. It’s one of the weirder flavors of damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
People will find a way to ignore the person they know you to be and insert some kind of cartoon. (In your case, fatal boy-craziness, and in mine, a bridezilla)
I am also a solo(ish) poly who is awful at dating. It is exhausting and I don’t much enjoy it. I don’t think my mono friends/family quite understand just how little dating I am doing because watching the Hugh Jackman production of Oklahoma! is so much more appealing than going on an awkward first date.
While my desire to have children has only diminished with time, I do occasionally consider whether marriage should be a thing. Simply because of the legal privileges bestowed upon spouses. When my long-term partner was hit by a car many years ago, I was able to see him only by the grace of his parents. If for some reason they didn’t like me and wanted to throw me out, I would have had no recourse. That level of helplessness when your loved one is in the ICU is terrifying.
That being said, that just means we need to stop legally privileging marriages over other forms of relationship, or at least to the extent that we do now.
Yeah, I’ve got no interest in marriage, but am sometimes jealous of the financial benefits it bestows. Not enough to give up the extra space and independence I get without it though.
Solo poly feels right in some ways, but I feel very conflicted about what I want right now. I’m 3 years out of the only long-term relationship I’ve ever had (4 years, we lived together for most of them and for a few months after we broke up). Now it’s often hard to imagine sharing space with someone again – I like being able to eat ice cream for dinner or coming home late without worrying about someone’s schedule to worry about. On the other hand, it can be exhausting to do everything on my own – I love affection and sometimes going to sleep next to somebody I care about every night sounds really great; it’d also be kind of nice to be able to ask someone to pick up milk on the way home. I think marriage isn’t something I want, and monogamy is definitely not something that I want but I’m not real sure about the solo part. Which is probably okay, but it does make family conversations very weird. I just usually tell folks I’m not involved with anyone because I know my relationships don’t fit the narratives that they have.
How timely! I was at a conference this weekend and one of the sessions I attended was on Solo Poly. Must be a trendy topic!
I am leaning towards that label for myself though at least right now I don’t date or do romance at all, so maybe not poly per se.
I’ve been doing nonmonogamy for years but mostly while in a primary relationship so this is fairly new to me. I like it a lot, I like having friendships with a bunch of people and some of those friendships involve sex or kink. I am still licking my wounds after the demise of my old relationship and for me that means I’m not dating. When I start again I’m still pretty certain that I do not want a primary partner. I’m enjoying my independence and not being accountable to anyone but myself too much!
If anyone wants some more solid practical info on poly, solo or not, I recommend the book ‘More Than Two’. In addition to just being a well written sensible book It’s the only one I’ve read that doesn’t assume you’re either in a couple or looking for a primary partner.
OH ALSO. I saw Shonda Rhimes talking about how she loves dating, but doesn’t want a roommate/marriage. I don’t know if she’s monogamous, but this post reminded me of that and I like that the idea of relationships without living together is perhaps getting some traction.
I just wanted to toss out there that I appreciate your sensitivity toward not coopting queerness when you are not queer. I think that’s a real danger that gets often overlooked and that certain discourses around relationship styles have often been used to hide, and hide from, the crappy and very real facts of cis and hetero privilege, to varying degrees. (I don’t mean here at the Toast, but, like, out there in the world generally.) So thanks for being mindful!
I don’t really label myself, but if I did, I guess solo-poly would be a way to describe me right now. It’s fun & I can squeeze it in during the few days/evenings I get to myself when my kids are with their Dad, without too much emotional stress.
Hello! I love this. I do have an “anchor partner” but it was unintentional – when we started dating I was just extricating myself from a horrendous live-in relationship and she was headed off to another city for grad school. So we thought it was just a fun summer fling. But then we kept dating. One of my first moments of “this is the best ever relationship style for me” was the pure thrill and satisfaction I got from sending a package of fancy cheese to her as a surprise present via a lover we shared who was going to visit her.
But.. I’m still always explaining myself, and not just because some people don’t “get” poly at all. It’s because we still don’t live together after 8.5 years. And we have a 3.5 year old child together. Even poly people seem to scratch their heads at that. And yes, it has become more inconvenient over time and we will probably end up moving in together. But what I’d really like is to have two units in the same complex. Fully separate spaces but not having to go outside in public to traverse between the two. That’s ideal to me.
I think having two separate units in the same complex would be ideal for most monogamous relationships too, (probably most any relationship) but no one wants to be the one to suggest it. I’m saying this with a big smile. I guess the closest most people come is having a big house with lots of assigned spaces like “workshop,” “study,” “craft room,” “man cave,” etc. which one person knows they enter only as a guest.
And I like your cheese story.
I think Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter had the ideal set up; two town houses right next to each other. They raised kids just fine that way too. I’ve had a couple of live in relationships and ugh, never again. Since I’m straight/cis I have to deal with straight men who expect a live in housekeeper/sex dispenser and I just cannot with that any more.
If I had all the money, side by side houses would be it for sure! I’m lucky enough that separate units is even financially feasible – I’ve lived with partners too, before I had my good money-missing career and it was always terrible. Of course, they were both straight cis men… And the last one took me for a bunch of cash, so I’ve always been wary even of the financial benefit of living together.
What is it with those men who want the woman to conform to the traditional role of the nurturing, caregiver who does all the housework, but somehow they’re exempt from the traditional role of financial provider who covers the bills?
Ugh, if I ever consider moving in with a guy to help pay the rent, I’ll just get a flatmate.
Yeah I kinda accidentally shacked up with my current partner too, the solo life is way more my style. But he had crappy roommates and I was broke, so I suggested he move in for a couple months and now its two years later…
I keep reading the phrase solo poly as “Solly Polo” and I’m not sure off much about ole Solly but I know he wears sperrys and a navy blue blazer.
I’m having a lot of Feelings from this post but I think this comment thread is best for people who want to talk about not fitting into the whole hetero-monogamous-parent thing.
““Katie, you look so natural holding him! Look how good he’s being!” my mom and cousin cooed at me when I held my youngest second cousin at a reunion. I’d been hanging with the giggling toddler because he was content to play with my sunglasses and not ask annoying questions about the validity and direction of my life. ”
See also: Cats, Dogs, and Checking On the Roast
Ok, I’ve only read about half of this and had to jump down here to say that I’m so glad to see this story here! Someone dropped a link to the solopoly website on this site a little while back and it was like a lightbulb went on and I realized what I’d sort of kind of already known I was, but didn’t have a word for yet.
I haven’t been actively dating since I figured it out (mostly cause I’m busy and just not wanting to deal with it enough to fit it in my schedule), but I’m worried about how difficult it might be to explain to people once I am again and am mostly aiming to try to get out and meet people in the kink and poly communities where (in theory at least), communication is valued and alternative ways of being and doing relationships are accepted. We’ll see. Glad to hear about someone else’s experiences though! Sometimes I feel like an alien when I realize I’m surrounded by women who are all married, waiting for an engagement ring, coupled up, or actively seeking that state and I remember what I want isn’t exactly “normal” by typical standards, even though it’s the only way that feels natural to me.
Ok, now I’m actually gonna finish.
Oh, I feel you very hard on this. I’ve never dated (I’m coming up on 23, for the record, which I think is pretty damn young but when it comes to not dating everyone else seems to think is extremely old) in part because between my circumstances and my ideal model of relationship, there’s literally never been a single person I knew who would be a fit. Let alone someone who I in turn WANTED to date. I’m genderqueer, asexual AND I never want to do the settle into a shared house, have kids, get married stuff. Talk about a mess of an OK Cupid profile.
I’m lucky in that my parents don’t care if I’m dating or if I want to have kids or whatever, but as I get older and move into the next stage of my life I’m starting to realise how much society is built around the expectation we have a solid partnership with one-and-one-person-only who we live with and share financial burdens with. I have no problem with the idea of never or hardly ever dating, or dating unconventionally, but I’m starting to feel pretty scared about what that means in terms of the practical path my life is going to take, to be honest.
i think about the whole 2nd paragraph of your comment a lot. although for perhaps slightly different reasons than yours described above.
i think it’s possible to set up alternative networks and “families” i think, without giving into the traditional model out of a fear of practical life challenges becoming a nightmare. i think the phrase we want to look for here is “intentional community.”
I think it’s great that you’re young (yes you totally are), and NOT leaping into socially sanctioned relationships just because it’s what everyone expects. I think a lot of us spent a lot of years doing what we thought was the “right” thing only to get on a bit and realise that it was wasn’t right at all for some of us. When I started dating I had one friend who was a lesbian and she was the shack up, get married, have a couple of kids type of person as well. My sheltered clique didn’t know about transgender people or gender fluid people or alternatives to the standard mono marriage-kids life.
I’m really glad that people your age and younger are living in a time where you recognise there are alternatives and that it’s ok to embrace them. I love that people are refusing to be defined by their sexuality or genitals or their relationships. It really gives me hope and I’m sure your honesty will pay off in the long run because you’re far from alone in your feelings. It may just be that many people your age haven’t figured out what they want yet.
— But ask anyone who’s into something others deem unconventional — even people who are largely fulfilled by that kink or love or activity or hobby — and they’ll tell you they spent (okay, spend) an exhaustive amount of time educating the people around them about who they are and “what that means.” —
Boy oh boy does that resonate. I’m kinky, and also poly, and also long-term unpartnered (though not necessarily by choice), and it’s so easy to wander so through many places (work, family, etc.) feeling like The Only One. I too would love if people came to dating, or even just meeting people, with way fewer assumptions.
After a brief marriage in my 40s, I am back solo again (thank god!) and just finished renovating every inch of my house and yard perfectly to my preferences. Then I worried, what if I met someone or someones? I was shuddering at the idea of having to make room for someone else’s art on my carefully curated walls, etc. However older women (60s and beyond) who I know locally set me straight, “Dearie, you never have to live with anyone again, none of us do! We just make our special friends stay in their own houses and keep it seperate.”
The 60+ men are not always happy about that, as they are hoping for help with cooking, etc. but these women are quite firm. After jettisoning traditional coupledom now that their kids are firmly adults, the women don’t want to be bothered with it again. They like dates and shared vacations, and that’s it.
I love that! It must be said I live in a small, very liberal east coast city.
There’s a reason that psych studies into happiness keep showing widowed women as being the most satisfied and happiest, and widowed men, the least satisfied and happiest.
Oh my god, *my people*.
Also, love “anchor partner”. Hadn’t heard it before, describes what I don’t want perfectly. (“Friends are great! And I like hanging out with friends, and sometimes having sex with some friends…I just don’t want someone who’s in my plans by default and there all the time and I have to consult with about major life decisions.”)
My ideal relationship is, like, we’re friends, and sometimes he sends me flowers or takes me dancing or admires how I look in a miniskirt, and sometimes one of us goes to the other’s house and we play video games and fuck* and stay over if it’s cold and we don’t have any other plans. And we can both do that with whoever else we want.
* One of my friends described her high-school relationship as “eh, we played Nintendo and made out” and I was like THIS IS WHAT I WANT THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANT.
“we played Nintendo and made out”
welp, guess I have found my relationship orientation. THAT.
Right on, Katie! I respect you so much. Definitely a trailblazer!
Well. I didn’t expect a Toast article to suddenly change the way I think about who I am and what I want, but here we are. I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes full of Thoughts and trying to work out what this means.
Well. I didn't expect a Toast article to suddenly change the way I think about who I am and what I want, but here we are. I've been sitting here for twenty minutes full of Thoughts and trying to work out what this means.
Um. SAME. I call it “relationship anarchy” and then have to explain what it means every single time. It seems to me like it’s way too simple to be so uncommon.
“I don’t need to convert people — I am not a polyamory evangelist. […] I’m more of a satisfaction and liberation evangelist. Because if we all bothered to ask the person across the table or on the neighboring barstool what they dreamed of and imagined, wouldn’t all of our relationships be more founded in love, respect, and fun? Dreams and love are fun, folks.”
A lot of this article resonated for me, but this part in particular strikes me as so important and so unobjectionable. I think that every, every, every relationship could benefit from fewer assumptions and more genuine inquiries, more active efforts at truly understanding the other person/people involved. It was only in the last year or so that I realized that I didn’t have to follow the same (pretty traditional) relationship model as everyone else in my family, and I am so much happier for it, but it can be hard to find positive reinforcement when many people in my life would be a lot more comfortable if I changed my mind and married a nice boy. It doesn’t match my situation exactly, but this article was just so much of what I’ve needed to hear. Thank you.
It's a bummer that the top ranked comment on this article does what the last portion of this piece really rallies against — delegitimises solo non-monogamy. "Glad you're enjoying it — I went through that fun *phase* but I grew up and became monogamous."
“What if, when we asked someone out, we were actually asking out that person and not shopping for someone to fill a predetermined role we’d imagined for them? Dating shouldn’t be like hiring an assistant or a pet sitter.”
Thank you, you hit the nail on the noggin! That’s how people treat dating like hiring a pet sitter. My past experiences, it was like babysitting people going on boring “meetings” finding out it was never going to go anywhere which is why I don’t like dating that much. I am now 30, it seems the pool is getting smaller for me everybody is so busy popping out babies doesn’t leave any room to spend time with a child free person.
That is the problem people shopping around for a predetermine list to fill in xyz and we wonder why we still see so many failed marriages and relationships. We, as people, are so busy fitting other people into a box and a list – if it doesn’t go as plan, we just trash the list aka people and move on to something else that isn’t fulfilling. I need to use this article to put in my list I have of what I want in a relationship and try to practice on some of the things listed in the article.
HAHAHA. This is outstanding. I think I'll see how that works for myself….
FELXIAMOROUS – that is brilliant.