Your roommate’s boyfriend
Stranger who commutes on the same bus as you
College classmate you pass on the street and blatantly ignore
Person who talks to you while you’re waiting in line
Strangers who you up-nod
Coworker who is mainly your coworker but is also maybe becoming your friend
Person whose name you know before you formally meet them
Friend of a friend you drunkenly added on Facebook
Person who is shopping in the same section of the store as you but who is not moving at the same speed as you
High school classmate you occasionally see on Facebook who was weird in high school but maybe you were just more judgmental then and maybe college did a lot of good for them and if you met now maybe things would be different and you’d be close
Older couple sitting next to you and your friends while you’re talking about sex
Person you refer to as “my friend” when telling stories but is actually just an online acquaintance
Person you refer to as “my friend” when telling stories but is actually someone you follow on Twitter who doesn’t know you exist but it feels like you guys would be friends, you know?
Intimidating acquaintance who sometimes acts like you’re friends and sometimes acts like they think you’re annoying and who you still kind of want to win over
New acquaintance who is quick to share the intimate details of their life even though you definitely did not need to know all of that
Overly friendly stranger who is actually pretty interesting but maybe also hitting on you
Acquaintance who only remembers one thing about you and asks you the same two questions every time you run into each other
Your friend’s older sibling who you’ve known since you were eight and who is now your peer until they get frustrated; then they are a Cool Teenager again and you are an Annoying Child
That Condescending Asshole. Doesn’t matter which one.
Regular customer who sees you outside of your customer service job and is noticeably confused
Drunk bathroom strangers who just get you and are totally on your side no matter what happens
High school classmate you see while waiting at a crosswalk and it makes you so flustered that you involuntarily turn around and walk in the wrong direction
Stranger who witnesses someone slight you and then makes knowing, what the fuck?! eye contact with you afterwards
Person you made out with who sort of hugs you when you see them but maybe you both should have just waved
People you will allow to take food off of your plate
People you will unapologetically fart in front of
Former coworker who clearly does not remember your name
Stranger whose dog you really want to pet
Tags: ella kampelman, friendship, modern relationships, relationships
Related Posts
The Emotional Progression Of Realizing Your Friend Isn’t Coming Over After All
Love and Joy: The Metamorphosis of a Friendship
We Don’t Hang Out Much Since the Apocalypse
The Good Indian Friend: A Manual
I’m Getting Really Tired of My Mysterious Flaky Friend
The Big Open-Ended Question: On Loving and Accepting My Asperger’s
Regular customer who sees you outside of your customer service job and is noticeably confused
Employee at store/coffee shop/bar you regularly go to that you see somewhere else and which causes you to be noticeably confused.
Variation: “Drawing student who sees you outside of your figure modeling job and is noticeably confused to see you clothed.”
Because I have been that student.
Person that you enthusiastically insist you recognise from somewhere but it turns out it’s from porn.
Happened to a friend of mine.
Another variation: “Child student you see outside of the martial arts school where you teach and you feel weirdly indecent to be in shorts and a tank top in front of them”
A blogger who uses the same platform as you: you’re mutual followers, and you like or reblog each other’s stuff every so often, but you don’t ever message because each of you thinks the other is way out of your league.
A blogger who you mutually followed because of one common interest that both of you have now abandoned, but their main passion, something you know nothing about, is still interesting enough that you keep following them.
Person who accepted the Facebook friend request my phone sent them without my knowledge.
Complete stranger whose profile I do not know how I found who read the pocket message I sent them on Facebook and who I wonder what the fuck was going on in their head when they saw I sent them just the letter “j”
Stranger whose dog you really want to pet
Ohhhh, this one, all the time. Alternatively: Dog-owning neighbor whom you know, but can never remember the name of (despite easily remembering the dog’s name).
My name is ‘the Dane and the poodle mix’s person’. As far as you need to know.
Hahah – my husband usually walks our dog in the morning, but sometimes I take him, and I love how Gus’s neighborhood friends will say hello to him and then be confused about who his walker is.
Variation: neighbor with an enviously gorgeous garden that you are too intimidated of to befriend.
Yes! My last neighbor had the sweetest Saint Bernard-boxer mix named Zeus, and she was lovely too…but I can barely remember her first name. Def not her last. I miss Zeus, though. He used to howl pitifully at me through the screen door for not coming in and petting him as was only fitting for his adorable doggy disposition…but his person and I had not properly met yet, which would have made it awkward at best and illegal at worst. Did I mention I really miss that dog?
There is a guy who is always sitting at the bus stop when I am driving my children to school. I have seen him almost every morning for 5 years. That’s something, right?
I had a guy who I saw on the L train almost every day and then I started seeing him on the F train a lot, and then I saw him modeling in an alternative fashion show, and then he was at a gallery opening I was at and I may have drunkenly marched up to him and declared “YOU’RE MY TALL AFRICAN GUY”. Fortunately he had seen I <3 Huckabees. Hopefully you have too or you’ll find what I said very creepy. He was tall but not African.
There is a guy I see regularly on the bus who I do not like because one time I saw him be a jerk to someone else. I do not know his name, but I do not like him.
Yesterday I collided with someone coming around a corner and it was confusing and then it was MORE confusing when we both recognised each other, both couldn’t remember where, and then both realised we caught the same bus for five years, three years ago, all at the same time as each other.
The other day I saw a woman I recognised and I couldn’t work out where: same bus, three years ago. She always looked so unhappy, but when I saw her she was pregnant and looked so content and happy. It made my day.
Also I think about that one bus guy who always gave up his seat, and always made the teens give up their seats for older ladies, all the time. I wonder how he’s doing?
I feel as though the guy I pass everyday who wears a hotdog costume and dances on the boulevard must know me in some capacity.
*Your mother’s ex-husband’s son (by the woman he married after divorcing your mother) who was ALSO the high school student recruited to DJ your middle school dances.
*The person you “dated” for a few months in ninth grade and haven’t talked to much since, but has gone on to do so many interesting things since then that you continue to talk about them over a decade later.
My brain is in knots trying to unravel that first one.
Names changed:
Alice marries Bob. Alice and Bob divorce. Alice marries Chad, Bob marries Darlene.
Bob and Darlene have Edward. Alice and Chad have cosetthetable.
Edward is a couple years older than cosetthetable, but they both go to the same private middle/high school.
Edward, once in high school, DJs all the middle school dances that cosetthetable goes to. Cosetthetable only finds out that her mother’s first husband is local, has children, that are at her school, when her mother offhandedly mentions it after seeing the cast list for A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Cosetthetable and Edward have never ever discussed this, despite being in MSND together, befriending each other on multiple forms of social media, etc etc etc.
I’m not sure if that makes things easier or not, but… yeah.
DEFINITELY HYPOTHETICAL YUP UHUH.
Ahhhh. I assumed Alice and Bob divorced after cosetthetable was born (I guess due to the phrase “your mother”) and I was invoking some complicated adultery in the mix to make Edward older than cosetthetable. Like maybe Bob and Darlene used to be a thing, producing Edward, and then Bob gets with Alice after Edward and cosetthetable exist, but then Bob gets back with Darlene…your explanation makes much more sense.
*The person you “dated” for a few months in ninth grade and haven’t talked to much since, but has gone on to do so many interesting things since then that you continue to talk about them over a decade later.
This person in my life actually passed away last year and I took it so much harder than I could have anticipated. Such a beautiful soul.
“Stranger who witnesses someone slight you and then makes knowing, what the fuck?! eye contact with you afterwards”
I love these people like they are my lifelong best friends.
I wouldn’t have survived a 15 years in customer service without them.
I made friends with this couple being aggressively man/whitesplained to at a bar using nothing more than eye rolls and incredulous grunts.
I try to do this whenever possible. It’s nice to make someone feel understood if only for a second.
The woman you see struggling with her small child, who is melting down, and people are tut tutting but you catch her eye and you both shrug like ‘kids, amiright? What are you gonna do?’
Regular customer who sees you outside of your customer service job and jokingly “orders” their usual drink while you are standing in the vegetable aisle because they’re not sure how to interact with you as a human THANK GOD I don’t work at Starbucks anymore.
My up-nod game is tight. Just sayin’.
I had to practice up-nodding because for the longest time my head would already be up and then I’d be trying to get it even more up. It was not smooth. I can do it now though.
I’m glad to know that there’s hope.
I have a dodgy neck and sometimes I have to stretch it out and then I accidentally up-nod strangers and it’s always awkward.
If you try to up-nod but you’re at the upper limit of your neck motion range, calmly signal your greetee by flailing your arms.
– Strangers who tactfully ignore the way your children are choosing to conduct themselves in a public place
– Pet sitter you had to fire for general incompetence who regrettably still has a copy of your house key
– Family member who never asks you for opinions about anything because she thinks yours are “unusually strong”
– Your spouse’s ex-colleague’s wife who once told you how tall you were, “for an Asian”
“Unusually Strong Opinions” sounds like a Canadian apology-rock band.
Friend of a friend whom you now like better than the original friend
Friend you introduced to your other friends who now likes them better than s/he likes you
one of my very best friends is the friend of a friend’s former roommate’s ex. Our friend circles overlap in strange ways.
One of my best friends in the country I live in I met because he had met a friend of mine (who I’d met through a friend actually in my classes) through Grindr and started coming to parties with us. Both the other friends have since gone back to their home countries. People ask us how we met surprisingly often, and so we have to go through the whole story.
Coworker who you always run into in the bathroom who has nothing to do with your department, so you have no idea what their name is, and it has gone long past the point where it’s socially acceptable for either of you to ask.
The conversation you always have: one of you says “looks like we’re on the same schedule!” and the other laughs, nervously, because now you’re very close to talking about regular waste elimination with a virtual stranger.
THIS ONE. I’m the only woman in engineering so everyone knows what my name is, but accounting is mostly female so when I hear somebody reference “Blank in accounting” I have no idea which of the women it is. Is it the super nice one who always greets me by name, making me feel bad I don’t know her name? Is it the blonde lady with resting bitch face? Is it someone who’s on the exact opposite bathroom schedule as I am and thus our paths never cross?
Aaaah I have a lady like this but she doesn’t even work in my company! We’re just on the same floor of the multi-tenant office building.
The lady who comes around once every fortnight to water the plants, and you know all about her renovations but you don’t know her name.
Person you refer to as “my friend” when telling stories but is actually someone you know only through the internet, but you really are legitimate friends & you would absolutely go on a week-long vacation with them.
People you only knew through the internet until you traveled to meet them in person and found that they were delightful that way, too.
People you only knew through the internet until you traveled to meet them in person and then found that they were delightful that way too (and then two months later you moved across the country two blocks away from them but not in like, a creepy way, and sometimes they watch your cat and you go to Sephora together)
Friends you need to get ice cream with next time you’re in Minneapolis, hint hint
Person you refer to as “my friend” when telling stories but is actually someone you are lifelong best friends with now due to the fact that you discovered you share the same birthday via the internet. It led to some interesting discussions (lots of them actually) and the discovery of weird, uncanny parallels between your lives. This person also came to visit you once and since then has bought you an axe charm for a necklace, because we joked ahead of time that we hoped neither of us were axe murderers. This person and I share a dream of traveling/retiring to Scotland and I swear to God, we’re doing it. *sigh* Ahh, the modern age. Oh and also, my mother is convinced that I’m having an online illicit affair with this friend (a girl), cheating on my husband, and that my life is in shambles.
I have so many of those!!!
Your husband’s friends who shake his hand but hug you.
Child you see regularly enough at the park that they ask you to watch them on the slide but whose parents you have never spoken to.
Neighbor you know you could buzz if you locked yourself out of your building but whose name you always forget.
Children’s librarian who sweetly pretends your toddler’s storytime antics are cute and not a clear sign of parental neglect.
My husband and I just met up with one of his friends and on parting he hugged my husband but not me! I was thrilled. Thank you, correct dude. Please share with the other dudes that this is how it is done.
Who the hell even shakes hands with their friends, though? Handshakes mean either “we are meeting for the first time” or “we are serious business people doing serious business things.”
I shake hands with the spouses of people I know from law school unless they show body language that they’re open to the hug. Their spouses were my friends & close acquaintances but they weren’t and I don’t like, being a hugger, making someone feel awkward going for the hug. Most of the women move to hug me anyway, but on first few meetings we definitely just shook hands.
I am not a hugger but my partner is and now there are a whole new circle of people that I hug because they hug him and then it’s weird not to hug me. I don’t mind, but I HATE that bit where we are both like ‘do… we hug now? Idk. Help. What do’
We went through a few years where my best friend’s partner hugged me but she didn’t, because we saw each other almost every day so why would be? We were all fine with it, but other people thought it was weird. Now I see him often enough that we don’t hug anymore. Which is not how other people do that, I guess? Idk.
Where I live it’s normal to greet male friends with a handshake and female friends with a hug. But not like a formal handshake, maybe more like a hand clasp where you can pull the other person into a hug if you want? I don’t really know how to describe it.
My partner’s uncle shakes his hand but hugs me (and kisses me on the cheek? Maybe I’ve blocked it out). He has met me a handful of times and known my partner his entire life. I am Not Pleased about this discrepancy.
Friend-of-a-friend you’ve never spoken to directly but who always has your back in exasperating FB arguments about social issues with mutual friends who have no idea what they’re talking about.
Friend of a friend you’ve met once but you have a total crush on their social media presence and now you don’t know how much to interact with them without coming off creepy.
Related to your first one: the complete strangers on Facebook who may be cyberbullying someone that you probably should have a professional attitude towards — except she’s a shameless racist so you’re kind of cheering for them, even if you don’t understand what they’re trying to do, exactly, with this week-long goat-themed commenting spree?
Goats?
Arrrrg I have several of these and the most annoying thing is I used to see them all the tone before I moved across the country and now when I go home and run in to them I feel like we’re better friends than we actually are because I soooooo want to be.
Co-worker with whom you’ve been in a dozen meetings who can’t remember your name but hasn’t come out and said “you people (in my case, middle-aged women) all look alike.”
Coworker in a different office who you’ve never actually met in the flesh, but you’ve been emailing daily for 2 years now
Coworker in a different office you’ve never met or talked to on the phone or directly emailed, but you’ve been involved in email threads with them once a week for a year.
People whose name you have entered into your work’s information management system approximately one hundred times.
Friend of a friend you drunkenly added on Facebook
That explains why my FB friends list like, doubled once I started drinkingcollege, and why I’ve only added 2-3 friends since I graduated.
Guy who got your [firstinitial][lastname]@gmail and still, after all these years, kindly replies to misdirected emails (you are a gentleman and a scholar, Evan).
The other regular at the bar who shows up on the days you don’t.
Twitter buddy who lives like half a mile from you and you totally could run into them at the deli or the library but you are never going to actively try.
Guy who got your [firstinitial][lastname]@gmail and still, after all these years, kindly replies to misdirected emails (you are a gentleman and a scholar, Evan).
I’m that guy for some lady in Australia! I’m still trying to figure out her actual name, though, because I got a triplicate notice of her parking reservation for the Melbourne airport over the weekend and I’d really like her to actually get that. It seemed important.
it was pretty bizarre when Other Regular at the Bar started working with me and we compared notes! i even knew her husband. BUT NOT HER.
I feel like I’ve been letting Anthony Lastname down recently, but to be fair if it were important I would probably still reply.
I once got an email where it became apparent that the author thought I ran a B&B in Ireland. I replied “no, but do you want restaurant recs in Chicago?” I’m still disappointed this didn’t start a correspondence.
I am (initial)(initial)(common last name) and I get at least four other people’s gmail. I forward if I can tell which one it is and I have their real address, but I was completely and utterly flummoxed by wedding shower RSVPs a few weeks ago so I just replied and explained until someone finally told the bride (not my last name) and she contacted me directly. Then I forwarded everything.
I am too kind for my own good, perhaps, but it’s good to know someone appreciates it.
Oh, but if anyone wants to know about golf retreats in England and senior men’s tournament scores, I get that info.
My dad actually found his half brother when he responded to a mis-sent email for [other guy with similar first name, same last name] so the original sender would have the correct email address to use, and the individual who was supposed to have gotten the email contacted him to say thanks and it turned out that ‘the same last name” was actually, you know, the SAME last name from the same father.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAT
Whoa!
Oh god, I’m several of these.
Facebook friend who uses an obvious alias and a profile pic of their cat and you’re only, like, 80% sure they are who you think they are.
Person you follow on social media who changed their photo FROM a cat to their actual face, and now you don’t know who they are.
Stranger who commutes on the same bus as you… and who falls asleep on your shoulder every week. For five years. Your mother calls him your bus-husband.
Not your bus-band?
I will have to tell her, she’ll be cross she missed a pun opportunity!
Came for this, left satisfied.
– Fellow Toast writers/commenters whose wit and humanity you enjoy on a daily basis but would have no idea what to say if you met them in person.
– People you barely spoke to in grad school who now regularly like and comment on your Facebook posts so you feel like you’re friends but maybe not?
– Parents of your little kids’ friends whom you are forced to hang out with on playdates.
– Comedians whose entire body of work you have nearly memorized and feel a deep kinship with but who don’t actually know you and would be totally weirded out if you approached them on the street.
Number one, always.
Oh my God, number 3. The angst I have over number 3. I cannot wait until I can safely, comfortably drop off.
The friends I have because at first I liked their fanfiction and/or followed them on tumblr and/or friended them on LJ, whom I have since met and talked to and partied with and roomed with at conventions, and then friended on Facebook, and whom I now miss all the time because I see them twice a year tops because they live far away, why did I do this to myself, oh god
Friends you know from the internet and are now facebook friends with, who make you cry every time you do a social event invite because all the people on your facebook who you most want to invite live on the other side of the world.
Person you refer to as “my friend” when telling stories but is actually someone you follow on Twitter who doesn’t know you exist but it feels like you guys would be friends, you know?
Oh cool, I get to refer to Toast editors as “my friends” now, hooray
I do this, and then it got weird when basically everyone of my acquaintance started to read The Toast. They don’t understand! Melis and I go WAY BACK.!!
-Stranger whose cute baby you want to briefly hold but then give back once he/she/it starts crying.
The father of the cute baby you have been making eyes at in the line-up for the pool and then you sort of chat with but then ignore so it’s clear you’re not hitting on him, only his adorably fat baby.
* People you knew slightly in college/grad school/a previous job who have blown off previous attempts to hang out, but now want to network with you
That person whose post you liked because Facebook’s stupid algorithm showed you that your friend liked or commented on it and you realize belated you have no idea who they are and you just liked a stranger’s post and you spend about 10 anxious minutes worrying about whether to unlike it before they notice but you really did like what they had to say.
This is so much worse when its just like, their puppy.
And then you DO unlike it and the whole thing is so obvious and you digitally try to wander away whistling casually,
The worst is when they haven’t turned off comments for friends of friends, so you accidentally jump into this conversation on a complete stranger’s wall.
– Person you have not spoken to in years but writes happy birthday on your Facebook wall every year.
– People you follow on tumblr.
Your friend’s ex who you haven’t spoken to since they broke up more than a year ago but who remembers your birthday because it’s the same as his birthday and writes weird compliments on your FB wall like maybe he’s hitting on you or maybe he’s just not great at interacting with women platonically and either way maybe just don’t?
The acquaintance from college who’s actually kind of famous now, so you name drop as your “friend” even though you haven’t talked to her in years and just see her Facebook posts.
Best friend in elementary school who is now super famous and married to someone even more super famous with a private island who’s clippings your mom collects and who you never talk about because whenever you think about you feel Quarter Life Crisis-y because you were supposed to be the famous one and she wanted to be a stay at home mom.
Employee at the gym who once asked you about your shirt and had a real conversation with you about your answer but now you have to say Good Morning to them every day even though you would rather just get your stair master time over with.
Friends who were longtime friends of your significant other, and then were your friends while you were dating, and then went back to being his friends when you broke up which seems fair but you still miss them more than your ex.
People who you think you would like to be friends with and you think would like to be friends with you but no one ever makes the first move.
Person who you favorited on a dating site who now works in your office and you fastidiously ignore.
re the last one– AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I had a guy who I had messaged on Okcupid and he didn’t respond, then I recognized him and regularly saw him at the Park Slope Food Coop. This might on a deep level be the reason I moved out of Brooklyn.
I once went on an OkCupid date with a guy who showed up, months later, with a date of his own at the weekly blues dance that I went to. On the one hand, he was a very good dancer. On the other hand, dude you brought a DAAAAAATE into my SPAAAAACE.
The family of your first boyfriend who you think about all the time and wonder how they are doing even though you basically never think about your first boyfriend.
The mother of your best friend in high school, whose family basically took you in because your own family was a bit shit. You are fb friends with said friend but never interact, but you see her mother every day because your commutes intersect. Neither of you ever acknowledges the other and you wonder if you should feel hurt about this.
Family friends from when you were a kid that you’d love to reconnect with, and have friended on facebook, and you work really close together, but if you met up with them you’d have to explain that you basically never speak to your mother, they probably see her more often than you do, so you haven’t yet messaged them even though you’d really love to have coffee together or something.
Also, friends you met through your ex and started seeing at activities/large groups more often after the breakup, but you feel like you can’t actually make the move to hang out, because, I mean, they’re *her* friends! Not my friends!
Long-distance best friend whom you talk to just as much as anyone you share a city with, but on a greater variety of platforms.
Starbucks barista who’s gotten chummy and refers to you by name but you always give your last name and now you feel guilty like you’ve been lying to them.
Stranger on the subway who is super excited that you are reading a book they really love in public and you gush about the book together for a while but then you don’t know how to awkwardly go back to reading that book you really want to read.
Stranger on the subway who is super excited that you are reading a book they really love in public and you don’t know how to tell them that you think it’s terrible so you smile kind of awkwardly and get off earlier than you mean to.
Person standing next to you, but not too close, as you both search for exactly the right kind of beauty product in the bewildering selection at the drugstore
Woman on the sidewalk who is also pointedly ignoring the guy across the street who might have just muttered “bitches” at you both
The other occupants of the emergency room waiting area at 1 AM
The people you see naked in the changing room at the gym
THE NAKED LOCKER ROOM LADIES THAT’S SUCH A GOOD ONE
We have seen each other’s bits but WE DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER’S NAMES it is so WEIRD
I am a friend to all bewildered consumers. Any aisle with too much choice is my favourite place to chat to strangers, especially old people.
THIS. I’m a major introvert, except apparently I have a compulsion to be helpful in a super friendly way and we end up taking about our kids and OH WHYYYYYYY.
Your ex’s family who, tbh, ended up being the best part of the relationship, but who you feel awkward about still being in touch with, especially since you all have to try to never mention the ex in conversation.
The person for whom you gave up your seat on public transit and who keeps shooting you grateful looks that you feel obliged to acknowledge for the rest of the interminable ride.
The ex-colleague who you haven’t spoken to for six years, but who now works at a company where you’re dying to get a job, and who has to pretend it isn’t weird that you’re contacting him out of the blue and casually asking how his life is going and oh, does he happen to know the hiring manager?
Coworker you don’t know well and are not attracted to but you had a REALLY GOOD sex dream about them and now you feel weird every time you see them.
I have one of these.
I’ve actually gotten less attracted to the guy in my office I had a sex dream about as I’ve gotten to know him, which is good because he’s definitely my hottest coworker and there was potential for so much awkwardness.
I have never been remotely attracted to the guy I had a saucy dream about, and I never had one about the one immensely hot guy I did actually work with! He was the absolute spitting image of my other half at the time, which led to a lot of interesting thoughts but never any naughty dream action. Damn you subconscious!
Coworker you know really well and like a whole bunch, PLATONICALLY, but you had a sex dream about them and now it’s so weird.
I have FREQUENT sex/dating dreams about one coworker who I have no romantic interest in IRL, so it’s awkward like all the time.
The parents of kids you knew in elementary school, where you’re pretty okay with not being in contact with their children, but find the parents pretty cool and you’re not entirely sure how weird it is when you friend them on Facebook, but it’s not that weird because the parents accepted, right?
Person you barely know IRL, but they found you on Tumblr and are now connected to you on more social media platforms than anyone else who knows you.
Roller derby friend who’s real name you wouldn’t know if not for Facebook.
Office mate you sit next two for 9 hours a day and who you make sure knows very little about your life. Also, you blocked him on OkCupid three years ago right after you started working together.
roller derby acquaintance who /only/ has their real name on Facebook, and no useful pictures, and you CANNOT FIGURE OUT who they are.
Person you matched with on tinder 6 months ago but neither of you ever initiated a conversation
Person you should unfriend on Facebook or unfollow on Twitter but never will because you are a petty, petty human being.
This one. May I be forgiven.
*People you’ve known through message boards (plural) for more than a decade. You don’t even like all of them, but you’re more like a dysfunctional family than friends now, anyway.
(I definitely was the weird HS friend. I’m baffled whenever anyone from that time friends me on FB.)
More than two decades/half my life! The Birth of the Internet was a great time to be in college.
The security guard who knows you by first name but you don’t know theirs, and you wonder how they even know your name in the first place (although you suppose it is their job to know who is going in and out of the building, so it makes sense).
Person whose car you park next to in the office building or train station parking lot who you feel like would be cool based on their bumper stickers but you’ve never actually seen because you’re almost, but not quite, on the same schedule.
This. So much this.
I used to have an awkward but charming correspondence, via notes in my windshield wipers, with an anonymous person in the Atlanta MARTA parking lot. We never met, but we liked each other’s style!
People who think Parks & Rec was better before Chris and Ben showed up.
. . .so monsters?
They’re the woooooooooOOOOOOOOOOrrrrrrrrrrSSSSSSSSSSttttttttttTTTTTTTTT!!!!!
People who lived in your old apartment complex who you do enjoy seeing their life progress but go years without actively speaking to.
Person who changed their last name after getting married who was in your professional program but has such a common first name you’re never sure which of the X names she is without looking at her photos.
Person you have muted but can’t unfriend because it would be taken as A Statement on Community Drama that you want to be a trillion miles from.
Person who is only person you don’t know IRL who has now organically become part of an otherwise IRL in-joke on Twitter, which is fine but at times disconcerting.
Person who was close to you who wasn’t a celebrity but had enough reach in the world that people who didn’t know them also miss them now that they’ve passed and sometimes you get ugly in your head like they’re stealing your grief when it’s that person’s birthday or other time that remembrances start popping up because brains are ugly things.
UPS guy who always calls you “sweetie” or “love” even though you tried very pointedly to tell him your name so he would call you that.
Person who works at the deli where you often buy lunch who knows your order and comments when you haven’t been by in awhile.
I ordered Chinese food a few weeks ago, and the delivery guy said “long time no see.” It was terrible.
The man in the kebab shop tells me off for not being healthy enough because I always ask for no salad.
But…it’s a kebab shop. Having lettuce on it doesn’t actually make a significant difference.
I’m so bad with that. A guy at the coffee shop knew my order after a while, and it was awkward because I kept wanting something different, and then I just had to stop going to avoid the awkwardness.
I always feel guilty when I change my coffee order. “It’s awesome that you remembered, but actually…”
Your roommate’s boyfriend
“OK well you don’t technically live here, Bevers, so….”
That Condescending Asshole
You called?
Stranger who is also bewildered by another stranger’s bewildering behavior and who bursts out laughing with you as soon as that other stranger gets off the train
Stranger who is trying to make eye contact with you because he (it’s always a he) thinks you share an opinion about what’s going on but you DON’T
Coworkers from other departments who you play foosball with, so you have an intimate understanding of their playing styles and nothing else.
People you’re shy around and so focus on their dogs, leaving you with an impressionistic blur as far as their faces go but very vivid recall of their knees.
Drunk bathroom girls are my soulmates. Is there any relationship more pure or more instantaneously begun and finished?
That girl in line at the bar in front of you who the bartender refused to serve any more drinks, who you had to counsel because her boyfriend just dumped her but you didn’t mind, and now you wonder how she’s doing all the time.
I also enjoy the subset of drunk girls in line for port-a-potties at outdoor events.
People you trash talked and/or never interacted with in grad school.
Other plus ones at your significant other’s work party/alumni event.
The person you met at a party who keeps inviting you to game nights and juggling events in Facebook.
Toast commenters you think maybe were on the Sheroes forum approximately a bajillion years ago but it would be weird to ask if they were.
So I don’t actually comment on the Toast much, but heyyyyy, I bet we interacted back in the day!
Former regulars from your coffeeshop job who don’t remember you because you haven’t worked there in years, and it would be weird for you to greet them by name and ask about their families.
People who still use their LJ handles as their online names, which makes you feel bad for never updating your journal or checking your f-list.
Your friend’s cool FB friend whose threads you accidentally keep posting in, because they’ve restored the algorithms to where you see when “Tim commented on this:”.
Lady who tries to catch your eye in the supermarket checkout line so you can both roll your eyes at the cashier-in-training, or person with the expired coupon, but you personally are not that racist, so drop dead, lady.
Ex-housemate who you liked at the time and who thinks you still like them as a person but you’ve had time to reflect on them now and therefore you currently hate their guts.
THIS SO MUCH.
How does this happen?? I had a roommate who I got along with great and liked quite a bit, then around the time he moved out all my friends told me they hated him and why, and upon listening to their reasons I had to admit that he did in fact kind of suck.
Person who lists a little-known series/movie/artist you absolutely love as their favorite when you first meet them
Man at the fabric cutting counter who recognises you because you’re always there and cheerfully chats with you about your project but you kind of secretly wish you didn’t always end up with him because it’s painfully obvious you buy more fabric than you could possibly sew and you’re running out of euphemisms for ‘I don’t know what this is going to be, but it’s too pretty to leave behind so I’m putting it in my stash help I have a problem’.
#craftworldproblems
I WAS GOING TO POST THIS.
“What are you working on right now”
“Oh, you know… just a skirt”
[runs home and guiltily shoves it into the stash]
She referred to me as ‘a regular’ the other day and I almost died of shame.
I went into Spotlight for a zipper the other day, and managed not to buy anything else. I was so proud!
And then I cancelled it out by going there for a single ball of wool and coming out with 20 metres of fabric. But we don’t talk about that.
(Except when we do because THEIR QUILTING COTTON WAS ON SALE THEY HAD RACKS OF IT FOR $2-4/M THIS WAS ME BEING RESPONSIBLE AND NOT BUYING THE WHOLE LOT WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?)
So… apparently patterns are $3.60 for VIPs at spotlight but maybe that was only for yesterday? It’s unclear, but what IS clear is that I will be going to spotlight today. JUST for patterns. Only. For. Patterns. Definitely, absolutely, NOT for anything else…
Person you follow on Instagram who then starts working in the same building as you and you pretend not to know who they are when you’re introduced formally because you’re not sure if “oh I follow you on Instagram!” has shifted from creepy to common yet in today’s social norms.
Person you work with who mentions someone you mutually follow on instagram so then you stalked them and now you know their blog name and you wonder if they’ve done the same to you oh god I hope not.
That adorable couple you saw in the park, who had an equally adorable eight week old miniature Australian Shepherd puppy that you had to pet, then found out that the puppy was named Sebastian after Sebastian from Brideshead Revisited and you really wanted to further know these people but also that would be super awkward to say, so you told them their dog was cute and then left.
Those people you went to high school with that have made increasingly poor decisions and you remain friends with on Facebook just to feel awesome about your own life.
The FB/Twitter person you only follow because they are your one remaining source of info about your ex.
Ex-boyfriend of your friend who you have gently but firmly informed is getting custody of you in their split, even though you only know him through her, because you’re sorry things didn’t work out between them but that’s not on you and you’re still coming to his parties.
The woman who made eye contact to give you a smile when you were crying on the sidewalk and you just knew she had also been That Woman Crying In Public before and it helped a little bit.
Guy on the train who complimented you on your awesome wingtips and whom you then had a nice chat about shoes with and warmly bid farewell when he got off at his stop as if you were actually friends even though you will never see him again.
Your ex-boyfriend’s younger sister who you somehow ended up adding on Tumblr but are 99% sure she doesn’t know who you are, and she posts a bunch of sex TMI stuff and it’s really awkward but you can’t stop reading because her other content is good
The sushi chef at the Japanese restaurant you go to every Friday for lunch who starts making your order as soon as he sees you walking toward the door
The neighbor who is somehow passively-aggressively mowing their lawn AT you, when your grass gets like 1/8th of an inch too long
The people you make friendly conversation with in public restrooms, then never see again.
That friend-of-a-friend who shows up to your going-away party and looks vaguely familiar, and neither of you can figure out where you know each other from until one of you says “Do I know you with fewer clothes on? Did we make out?” and you realize you have, in fact, made out.
The woman you would share a bus route with to work, and would actively try to avoid eye contact because she bitched incessantly about her job, and you just found out she lives in the building next to you
That guy at the convention who creeped on you once, and you actively try to avoid, but he’s a volunteer and a regular and you’ve seen him every year for the last four years.
Con friends that you only speak to at conventions, and never at any other point in the year, even though you always say you’ll stay in touch.
That woman who once aggressively lurched up to you on the bus and talked to you about your knitting while you tried to convey that you did NOT want to talk. And then you had to see her twice a day on the bus for the next three years, and now you don’t catch that bus anymore but you still see her in town sometimes, at that bus stop.
Any person you sit next to on a plane.
facebook friend of a friend with whom you co-attack racist/sexist/assholes on mutual friend’s wall
Person you loved who is now dead who you nonetheless cannot bear to unfriend on social media so you are reminded they are dead every time you go to invite people to a party and have been known to invite them to said party even though they are dead and not checking their Facebook.
Awww…yep.
🙁
Dude who sits outside at the coffee shop next to your job on Sunday mornings who you once sort of told off for being a rape apologist and now you hate him with the burning power of 10,000 suns.
Guy you had a class with in college who lives in your neighborhood who you talked to once for an extended period of time because you were both walking home in the same direction and you guys saved a beagle from a car but now he pretends not to know who you are.
Friend of a friend who you messaged on facebook to say you should hang out and become actual friends, and then you did, and then a few months later slept with, and then accidentally fell in love and then he moved to Nashville.
Nashville does that. Thus country music.
You will not be surprised to learn that he, in fact, plays country music. I suspect he will write a song about me someday.
If it is any consolation he’ll probably end up like most of the hopefuls waiting tables and maybe getting to do cover sets in a tourist bar for tips while he waits for the break that never comes and tells people he lives in Nashville while hiding his out of county address because gentrification means no one can afford to live here. This is a hard town if you’re not TSwift and your daddy doesn’t buy you a record company to make your country dreams come true.
Oh, I think he knows that – he has no dreams of making it big. Also we’re from Austin so we know all about high rent – honestly Nashville is way cheaper than what we have here. There are no hard feelings between us, I wish him well in his Nashville adventures as we both pine for each other from afar.
Then I wish an unlikely but sentimental country song ending for you both and may the light of George Jones shine upon you.
You are very kind, internet stranger, and I wish nothing but the best for you in all of your endeavors!
“Stranger whose dog you really want to pet” So really any stranger with a dog, right?