“Santa Baby, Thanks for Not Evaluating Me Based on How Many Fellas I’ve Kissed”
“Mary, Did You Know That You Have 12 Months of Paid Family Leave?”
“The Little Drummer”
“Our Children Both Desire and Have Received Age-Appropriate, Non-Violent, Non-Sexist Toys”
“Oh, What Fun It Is to Ride Public Transit Late at Night With No Harassment”
“O Little Town of Bethlehem, How Many and Affordable Are Thy Health Care Choices for Women”
“I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In, and Mary Had 50 Percent Equity in Their Ownership”
“Un Flambeau, Jeanette, Isabella, Because We’re Comfortable With Nursing in Public and Mary Needs Better Light and Also a Glass of Water and Some Nachos”
“City Sidewalks, Busy Sidewalks Dressed in Holiday Style, Where Nobody Yells at Me About My Butt”
“Grandma Got Politely Nodded at By a Reindeer, Who Acknowledged Her Highly Respected Status as an Older Woman in Our Society”
“What (Free) Child(care) Is This? (There Are So Many to Choose From)”
“The Holly and the Ivy League University, Where All Sex Is Consensual”
“The Virgin Mary Had a Baby Boy, and If He Had a Twin Sister Who Grew Up to Have the Same Job They Would Be Paid the Same”
“Peace on Earth, Goodwill to All (Look, It’s Obvious the Angels Meant People, So We’re Going to Say) People”
“We Three Kings Are Merely Figureheads in Democracies Where Women Make Up 50 Percent of Elected Representatives”
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside, So I Can Put the Snow Chains On and Give You a Ride Home if That’s What You Want”
“None of Her Christian Fans Ever Shamed Amy Grant for Her Divorce”
“In the Meadow We Can Build a Snow-Woman, and Pretend That She Is Parson Brown, Who Receives Pay and Respect and Opportunities for Advancement Equal to Those of Her Male Colleagues”
“Lucy & Linus”
The Amy Grant one made me hopeful she had gotten divorced from that sad sack Vince Gill, but no such luck.
On the first day of Christmas/my true love gave to me/a Partridge Family DVD/because single mothers can still be good role models
I think I love you.
Awww. I’d thank you, but now that song is going to be stuck in my head.
Better that than The Twelve Days of Christmas.
It’s good to be respectful/It’s nice to be polite/Sometimes you’ll feel upset/That’s totally all right
Santa Claus is coming to town, but one man’s visit shouldn’t make you feel as if you need to hide your true feelings in exchange for gifts.
I was at a carol service last night where they’d changed ‘Good Christian men, rejoice’ to ‘Good Christians all, rejoice’, and it was quite funny listening to which elderly Anglicans in the congregation insisted on singing the old version.
I was at a christian private school holiday program this past weekend where the line “don we now our gay apparel” was interestingly changed to “dawn we now our yay apparel.” I thought that was an interesting reflection of the biases/blind spots of whoever put that program together.
I think they’re over-correcting in that case. There’s nothing offensive or exclusive about the original lyric, unless you have a problem with festive clothing.
I know! It’s pretty hilarious to me, and I wouldn’t even call it “over-correcting”– “mistaken corrections” is the way to go, with some confusion over homophones to boot!
ETA: the school is supposed to have a very good academic reputation, so I just wanted to whisper to whoever put it together “you totally don’t understand what that line means at alllllllll”
schools showing off material that is incorrect is one of those things i get so much secondhand embarrassment for, and yet at the same time am completely gleeful about.
there’s one on my way to work that proudly boasts “GRADES 6TH-12TH” and it’s such a small thing to pick on, but they alternate it with this message about them being College Preparatory, and, well… that does make me wonder about the writing skills of the students they’re turning out.
I take a weight lifting class in a school weight room and for some reason one sign in there references Oklahoma (we’re nowhere near Oklahoma, but maybe it’s quoting a coach from a college there? I don’t remember exactly) but spells it Okalahoma. I am SO tempted to go up with a pen and make a note.
Do it!
I think what you mean is “alike-phones”.
“Sometimes a chicken is just a bird.” — Terry Pratchett
Maybe my favorite thing to come out of this holiday season, not least of all because /nothing/ could be gayer than calling it “yay apparel.” I want to start a label right now.
Marginally related story time! My favorite Christmas card ever is the one my lesbian friends sent where on the back they had printed “make your Yuletide gay!” Because I am a sucker for puns. I don’t think anything will top that.
I would also continue singing “Good Christian men rejoice” because it allows for good Christian women to be as grouchy as they please.
Or change it to “Good Christian women, trans men, non-binary people, and every other person constantly marginalized by cishet able-bodied neurotypical wealthy white men, rejoice”, and leave said cishet able-bodied neurotypical wealthy white men seething.
It’s almost like we’re telling men to smile instead.
“Good Christian men, rejoice, because you’re just so much prettier when you smile. It’s not that bad, honey.”
Snort laugh!
That just made me realize the song is being sung TO men, and as such, means that the speaker can put them in their place.
“Good White Christian Cis-Het men rejoice! With heart and soul and voice!
Give ye heed to what we say, your grip on our culture ends today.
No longer the oppressed before you bow and we’re free to ignore your mansplaining now!
Equality starts today, equality starts today.”
“Good White Christian Cis-Het men rejoice! With heart and soul and voice!
Now hear ye of endless bliss, the patriarchy no longer does exist.
Though this shakes you to the core, humanity is blest forevermore!
Gender roles now resist, gender roles now resist.
“Good White Christian Cis-Het men rejoice! With heart and soul and voice!
Now ye need not fear the gay, or women’s rights, or equal pay.
We call you one, and call you all to leave behind this hateful brawl.
Feminism was born to save, feminism was born to save.”
(Forgive the clunky rhymes. I was trying to put it as close to the original words as I could.)
not bad at all
I like “Equality starts today…”
“Oh, What Fun It Is to Ride Public Transit Late at Night With No Harassment”
<3
Over the river and through the woods,
And hope the bus comes soon,
Amid slush and slop
We wait at the stop
Maybe By This Afternoon?
Ahhhhhh fantastic.
These are great! Thank you.
How do I get my church’s hymnals updated please?
The grandma reindeer one is my favorite.
I only made it to paid family leave before I had to take a break and fume for a few minutes. How did we get to Twenty Fifteen and we don’t get that maybe a new parent needs more than our current cultural standard of ZERO TIME with a new baby before either the parent or the baby is ready to do without the other?
…why yes, I *am* fun at parties. Why do you ask?
I feel like this is the right place to point some more people to the following tweet:
“Are … you married?” asked Parson Brown. Farmer Gray placed his hand on the clergyman’s thigh. “No, man,” he said. #ChristmasCarolSlashFic https://twitter.com/ghweldon/status/5402723832409…
Glen Weldon, you magnificent so and so!
FUCK YEAH GLEN WELDON.
ahem. as you were.
These are everything I could hope for. More please!
I’m reading this while pumping breast milk in a Nordstrom’s lounge, so I especially appreciate the one about nursing in public! The things I do to see “Star Wars” …
I think I just liked Christmas a little
We’ve been discussing the consent politics of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” since my kid’s jazz band director assigned it for the winter concert, and I’ve been delighted to find so many screeds against it in our modern world, like the Funny or Die reenactment.
So glad it’s fixed now, along with all these others.
I am all for discussion of consent politics of popular songs, but I’ve also heard/read on the internet (where everything is true) that the woman’s reluctance here is supposed to be understood as feigned reluctance for the purpose of preserving her reputation, but actually she doesn’t want to leave at all. Of course, that’s a whole other issue, but I thought it was an interesting take.
We figured that was a good interpretation of the original, but it’s interesting to look at how coded language changes.
My mother in law last night said, “Keep that box of chocolates away from me, I’m a devil for them,” when she clearly meant, “pass it over, slowpoke.” We could make a video of her family taunting her by waving the chocolates in her face while she valiantly resisted, until we shoved them into her mouth. (Fun holiday!) if attitudes towards what we now see as overindulging in chocolate change over the years, she could get all miffy & say “No chocolate MEANS no chocolate, Mel!” And I would be even more of a monster for forcing them on her.
He abhors not the virgin’s womb, because wombs are awesome.
He abhors not the virgin's womb, because wombs are awesome.