There are people who will tell you that the most important thing to remember when trying to pick someone up is confidence, that you miss all the shots you never take, that the worst thing that can happen to you when you put yourself out there is hearing the word “no.” These people have never asked a woman out in West Hollywood only to have her laugh in their face as she says “I’m straight,” then fall down a flight of stairs and I had to get a ride to the emergency room and it turns out I broke my ankle.
Don’t listen to those people. Listen to me. A thousand horrible things can happen to you. The most important thing you can do in life is establish plausible deniability that you have ever liked anyone, anywhere, ever. Here, then is a guide for the cautious. Remember: nothing ventured, nothing ventured.
Be sure to mention in passing someone else you find attractive, who looks nothing like them. This will throw everyone off the scent.
Keep your coat on during the entire conversation.
Tease her a little bit about the fact that she is mortal and will someday die.
Pay your host a modest compliment about their home within your intended’s earshot.
Make eye contact, then go home immediately.
Offer him your shoes. Insist.
Hide yourself in an uncharted cave until someone comes looking for you. This way they’ll know that you’re independent, but also not seeing anybody else.
If he mentions liking a particular book or band during your conversation, send him a copy or a pair of tickets the next day. Then don’t answer his calls for a year.
Invent a significant other with a vague, sinister-sounding illness.
Body language is important. Carry an actual shield.
Refuse to learn their name. Leave the room if you have to.
Steal something of theirs when they go to the bathroom. Plant it on a mutual friend, then set the two of them up with each other. Whisper your feelings into the wedding invitation when you send them your RSVP.
Let your hand brush against theirs, then visibly wipe it off on your jeans. Then anonymously pay off their student loans.
Move away. If they really get you, they’ll come find you.
Tell her a horrible secret, then spend the rest of your life apologizing for it.
Just feel things very intensely. They’ll know what to do.
Raise your hand as if to wave at them from across the room, then run it through your hair instead.
Leave the party early without getting their number.
Subtweet them constantly.
Scroll through your notifications in a burst of panic, attempting to decode their feelings toward you from their replying and faving habits. Discover that they haven’t interacted with you at all in 24 hours. Drink heavily. Audit your own replying and faving habits, nodding approvingly at your cleverness. Accidentally fave a five-day-old tweet.
please get out of my brain there is only room for one person here thank you
Oh wow God The Toast really is my home.
that’s weird, I don’t remember making this comment
Somehow play a game where you hypothetically pair up all the single people at the party. Put yourself with them and laugh very loudly as if that is the most ridiculous pairing of the lot. Bonus points for adding “As if!”
Follow them on Instagram, like a single post from 116 weeks ago, never like anything else they post ever again.
Somebody I have a crush on *just* did this to me, dammit!
A crush of mine just liked a quirky pic I took of my little bros, but NOT any of my great, more impersonal, landscape shots.
he’s clearly obsessed with me. It’s embarrassing.
It’s meant to be. Go get em, killer! In a suitably risk-averse manner, though.
Then stop following them on Instagram. Then block them. Then delete your Instagram. Then move away.
I have nothing much to add to this fantastic piece other than that I love the use of Blaze from Burning Love in here, which is just perfect. And I am very glad I’m not the only one who watched that show.
Mallory and I have been watching it nonstop for days (I had never seen it!)
WHERE DO YOU HAVE TO BOUNCE TOOOOOOOO?
I don’t even get mail!
Who killed who first?
It was a murder-suicide, there’s no way to know.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for bringing this to my awareness.
It’s so goooood.
Honest question: what is the ‘nard?
Oxnard
Thanks, Nicole! That is very different from the only other usage of “nard” I know, which is (I think?) a weird euphemism for musty body smells I learned in my bible class that one time.
ooh yeah, Song of Songs is dripping with nard.
Lol, yes, exactly. I learned that in college, and I was just like, you know, if they had led with this as a teenager maybe I would’ve stayed Christian a little longer.
Just feel things very intensely. They’ll know what to do.
i mean, i definitely feel things very intensely, so…
This is my usual M.O., honestly.
I have in actuality offered one of my crushes a pair of shoes. this tactic does not work, but they’ll definitely remember that you did it.
Swapping shoes was an early stage of courtship with my favourite ex. So it’s not a total bust.
The night we got together, the person who would become my girlfriend “accidentally” left her shoes in my room so that she would have to come back for them.
I didn’t get it. I chased her, yelling “YOU FORGOT YOUR BOOTS!”
She gave me a pair of her shoes and I thought it might be flirting but it wasn’t. She was just giving me shoes. I still have her shoes. I don’t even wear shoes. I wear boots. But I know I’m gay now so there’s that.
My clogs (which were awesome looked like bowling shoes) went to prom on someone I had a crush on. But I didn’t recognize that I’d had a crush on her for a few years after that.
BEST PICTURE SELECTION OF ALL TIME.
All my secrets, flung to the world like so much wedding birdseed.
Very confidently tell your friends about your work crush, “just because she’s not actively in the queer community doesn’t mean she’s automatically straight. I’m definitely getting a vibe, I’ll just ask her out, can’t hurt.” Quit your job instead.
‘”I’ll just ask him out, can’t hurt.” Quit your job instead.’
– Me about my work crush on a weekly basis
Tried and true: make serious eye contact, then stop looking, leave the room, leave the party.
They will come looking for you.
“Make eye contact, then go home immediately.” = Story of my life.
At the bar, offer to get her a single glass of water because you’re getting one anyway and, well, it really is a little warm in here.
“Tell her a horrible secret, then spend the rest of your life apologizing for it.”
That is actually something I have done when I make friends. I don’t know if it works with flirting, as I am too scared to try.
It’s okay to learn their name if you can pull of pretending that you can never remember it.
Also, it has worked at least once. I actually dated a guy who called me “Crystal” every time he saw me for a month because he couldn’t remember my name and thought I looked like a Crystal (I actually don’t think he was pretending; he was just an asshole. I’m just saying, there’s precedent for it working.)
I think that’s a “negging” technique.
That sounds about right. This was right about the time that Mystery had that show on VH-1.
Pretend to be a doctor. Turn your back.
I AM DISAPPOINTED IN ALL OF YOU HAMILTOASTS COME ONNNNNN
SORRY I JUST GOT HERE
/deniability
Introduce him to your sister while you work out in your head whether he’s after you for your family name, wealth or actually likes you and then oops, they fall in love?
ETA: nevermind, I see that’s been taken care of downthread!
Only start online conversations with matches who live in another state. If they plan to be in town, be coincidentally away for work. If they’re sincere, they will leave you a bag of gourmet coffee and a plaintive yet respectful missive. But not lurk around like a creep who knows what town you live in and could have a legit reason to be there.
NOTHING VENTURED NOTHING LOST. NEVER LOSE ANYTHING. GUARD ALL YOU HAVE JEALOUSLY LIKE A DRAGON GUARDING ITS HOARD. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MORE THAN YOU DO AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
Off-topic, but I’m moving soon and trying to get rid of some stuff and I have to fight this logic all.the.time. My brain is clearly a hoard-guarding dragon and does not want to let go of ANYTHING.
Be a girl flirting with a girl. Nobody will believe you even if you own up to it.
HA
“Wow, (crush), you look amazing today!”
“Thanks, that’s so nice of you.”
“Seriously, (crush), you’re a wonderful person. Any guy would be lucky to date you. Hell, I’d date you.”
“Awwwwww.”
“No, (crush), of course I don’t mind that you’re gay! I’m queer too!”
“Awesome, I always wanted gay friends!”
*internal screaming*
I always have two slightly different variations of this happening.
1. Girl flirts with me and I’m not really sure whether it’s flirting or that straight-girl unconscious super friendliness, until the girl starts making out with me.
2. I think girl is flirting with me but it turns out she’s just doing that straight-girl-unconscious-super-friendliness thing. Damn. Meanwhile, all the gay women there are either already paired up or too terrified to flirt with each other, so all the straight women come across as far gayer than the gay women, because they’re blithely unaware that their friendly familiarity comes across as flirting and/or they don’t care.
oh god #2
*sobs quietly*
Straight friend is always telling me all the stories about random girls hitting on her. In my bitter loneliness I do not believe they exist.
If this happens, it’s because actual queer women give out these terror vibes of fear sweat, and it tends to put other women off. Like “oh god that woman’s gonna freak if I hit on her, I’ll just hit on that nice cheery woman who seems super relaxed and chill.” Apparently women have hit on me in the past but I put them off by being weird and oblivious and grumpy. Basically the world is rigged against queer women; at least queer men can get away with saying “can I suck your dick?” after they’ve known someone for five minutes.
(not saying that this is something that queer men all do; more that it’s an indication of the fact that their interest is usually a lot more immediately obvious, and they tend to not have been taught all the passive social niceties that women are taught from the minute they’re born.)
Thank you for helping me to understand my abortive and utterly failed attempts at queer flirting! When very obviously with boyfriend, lots of interest, butt-squeezing, and so on. When trying to do proper lady flirting with a view to possibly eventually hooking up, apparent disdain and freezing awkwardness.
Of course, I could just be terrible at chatting people up without the traditional straight fallback of just lunging at them at the end of the evening.
*screams in bitter fury*
Once at a party, I met this lovely woman who was accomplished and talented and with one part of my mind, I was like, whoa look at this super awesome woman who seems really fancy! Why is she talking to me? How to keep talking to her? But the other part of my mind would literally only allow me to talk about goats. She listened to me talk about goats for such a very long time and then I was like BYEEE! and hopped on my bike and left. A few years later I ran into her at a New Years Eve party and she kissed me at midnight just out of the blue and then I hopped on my bike AGAIN and left and then thought… oh, she probably isn’t that into goats? But probably she was just listening to be polite and also I was just standing there so who else was she going to kiss. We should never speak again. And we didn’t! And that is me, flirting.
Edited to note: I have no first hand experience with and very little knowledge of goats.
This is very, very amazing and truly I am glad I am not alone in the world.
Sometimes I feel like my biggest downfall is not my own plausible deniability but believing that of the other person against all logic and reason. Nobody, NOBODY is that interested, with that much eye contact and meaningful hand touching, in stable isotope fractionation, Ethyl, you complete moron.
I know a few people who actually are that interested in it. But yeah, it’s a good idea to know your audience.
I’ll listen to you talk about that if you’ll listen to me talk about whatever weird shit my students are writing about this semester. Or dead Germans.
Add a dollop of “well I would hate to intrude upon you with my unwelcome interest & affections okay byeeeee” and there is my entire dating life. I did eventually pair off because basically I met someone who explicitly talks about his feelings all of the time.
This is also my major fault. I am notorious in my friend group for somehow thinking that my crush, who I had been flirting with for years, was not at all interested in me, even after the fact that they took an overnight train across the country to spend a weekend with me at my new home.
This is the best thing that ever happened.
“The most important thing you can do in life is establish plausible deniability that you have ever liked anyone, anywhere, ever.”
I don’t think I realized I was doing this until you put it into words for me. But yes, this is what I have been doing all my life, with a sterling record of success.
SAAAAAAAAAME
Revealing that you have emotions is for chumps.
Me too!!!! And it’s exhausting.
YUP.
Again it is on the toast I find my people.
Personally I blame my obsessive rereading of pride and prejudice as a teen – that whole courtship is essentially based on plausible deniability on both sides so I just thought that was what flirting was.
The moment I finally realised that being into someone was not an embarrassing thing you must deny was definitely an important growing-up moment (and, alas! a fairly recent one) for me.
This worked on me just this past Saturday night:
Show interest basically immediately when person walks into party.
Stay by their side through the whole evening, asking questions about them.
As everyone is getting ready to leave, go just before anyone else, allowing other person to try to catch up with you, calling your name as they run across the wet paving stones of the courtyard.
Acquire telephone number.
Text after noon the next day and ask them on a date.
If you suggest coffee/a show/dinner/etc., and they suggest they’re busy that weekend but maybe in a week or two, take it as a hint that they never want to see or hear from you again in this world. Literally cut off all contact. Then, like 5 years later, ask if they’re still interested in grabbing a coffee. That way they won’t feel like you’re clingy.
This comment section is like a minefield of truth bombs.
Buy a ten dollar cell phone at the gas station. Text them that you love them, that you’ve always loved them, but you can never tell them. Throw that cell phone in the ocean.
The week before college graduation, I got a note through campus mail saying, roughly, I admire your openness a lot and think I may be crushing on you. Thank you for making it possible for me to come out.
UNSIGNED. No identifying information. I still have no idea whom it was from. But clearly, whoever she was, she was reading The Toast before it even existed.
IM them with all your least flattering thoughts and ideas.
Okay hold up I’m like 95 percent asexual so I need you all to tell advice at me.
Using match.com to find friends, just friends, no really just friends, y/n?
Doesn’t seem like a good strategy. Try like a meetup group or a class or an activist event or something.
thanks for your “no” vote I truly appreciate it.
I don’t get the impression that anyone on match.com believes anyone else is truly just looking for a friend. I don’t have any helpful suggestions on where to go, but I’m afraid if you try it on match.com you will end up with people who either don’t believe you are just looking for friends or alternately (worse) believe that sex with them will change your mind.
Okay yeah because a lot of profiles say “looking for friends or something more…” etc
And I’m like okay let’s be friends! Because it sounds reasonable to ME but upon further reflection I guess it is bullshit.
Yeah no. They don’t mean the friends part.
haha I’ve been asexual my whole life and I am only just recently figuring it out (I’m 35) and the most weird part is how NOBODY ELSE IS LIKE THIS and I am basically wrong about what other people are thinking 95 percent of the time. Because they are thinking about sex.
god, my life, what will I do with my life.
You’ll tell your fellow Toasties about it and some of us will be able to totally empathize. Then though we don’t know each other we’ll both laugh wistfully about the cosmic joke of our lives and how lucky the world is to have access to our unique perspectives. 🙂 (?)
You are quite right and I couldn’t have put it better myself.
It’s tough. I think about 1% of the world’s population is asexual? I’m sure that number is a little bigger because I imagine we are talking about self reporting and I think many people might not recognize it for a while?
As a hopefully helpful anecdote, I have a cousin who is not interested in sex. She says that she has found it very freeing and a little easier to make friends. She said at first she was worried that everyone was just interested in sex, but after a while she realized that a lot of people really are happy to have a friend and she rarely had to even tell anyone that she wasn’t interested in sex because it just didn’t come up.
No, you’re not alone in this. 🙂
But I feel it makes it really hard to figure out other people’s motivations sometimes – as in, are persons interested in being my friend, or are they looking for something else, and how the hell am I supposed to understand the difference if nobody speaks their mind clearly? (They don’t because society tells us it’s “wrong”, apparently.)
Humans are so confusing. But if everybody is thinking about sex 95% of their time, it explains a lot…
I mean I was really starting to wonder if I am on the spectrum or something because I don’t understand “things everyone knows” but maybe it’s just my brains don’t care about sex?
Ha, me too, me too. But I lack all other indicators, and seen as such, I’m just socially oblivious. I can’t read body language well, I have trouble remembering faces/names, I don’t get “clues”, the usual. No idea if that’s connected to my disinterest in sex. Maybe we just lack proper hormones, or our brains are just busy with other stuff?
Also, I suddenly have the urge to write several paragraphs at you, because finally somebody gets it.
If you want a pen pal I’m dangerflakes at hotmail 🙂
LOL this is me (though you have about a decade on me). Like, I have this one friend who keeps insisting that men and women cannot just be friends because sexy feelings will always intrude (which is very heteronormative, but that’s another story) and it just does not comute for me. I have no problem being friends with people and not wanting to jump their bones! Is this really not how most people feel?
I don’t know, man. I actually learned the word “asexual” around 5 years ago but the reality of it is only now hitting me. This whole thread was wonderful but also it made me cry. So much of interacting with other people is being able to sorta guess their thoughts and motivations, and with one piece of the human experience missing… how have I even made it this far?
UGH I GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE AGAIN
I don’t know! I think that, I may not be able to relate to what people are feeling, but that’s true of so many other things than just sexuality. I don’t personally understand what it’s like to be trans, or religious, or a woc… But knowing that I don’t know means that I can start to know where my blind spot is, and focus on listening to other peoples’ experiences.
It still sucks that I don’t get fictional relationships that are based on sexual attraction (jfc you people just met why do you want to bone already), or have a personal understanding of what being a person sexuality attracted to other people feels like, but it helps if I think of it as one of the many ways my experiences differ from other people, rather than one specific thing that sets me apart.
This is becoming increasingly ramble and I know this might not be particularly helpful–and even though I’m OK with being ace I feel anxious when I think a person is flirting with me because I’d rather just be friends and sometimes it’s so hard to separate friendliness from flirting and I need to find a good way to just send ace vibes at people (haha).. . Just–good luck, and you are not alone!
——– Original message ——–
Um, just one data point here, but no, it’s definitely not how everyone feels, and I think your friend is maybe the exception! Is he saying his attraction is so generalized that wants to have sex with literally anyone he likes well enough to be friends with? That’s…unusual, I think. Far more common for a person to be attracted to SOME of the people in their preferred gender(s) but not at all (see: all the people who DO want those Match encounters to be sexy dates, and feel very disappointed when there’s no chemistry.) So the easiest solution is…friends with whom you’re mutually unattracted to each other. Second easiest solution: friends who may have some attraction to you, but who also have the maturity and respect for others to accept a no graciously. I think Goomaly’s right to sense that a dating site may not be the best foundation for a positive, just-friends dynamic, but it’s absolutely a thing that can exist in the world. (Other places that may be better starting points: maybe a community service group, a tai chi class, a cookie jar collecting club, literally anything that isn’t organized around dating?)
the ‘friends’ part already means you’re banging, ‘with benefits’ refers to the health plan
It could work if you are very very clear about what you’re looking for on your profile, but honestly at best you are not likely to get many responses, and at worst you could face harassment from jerks who don’t believe you and/or are annoyed you are on the site if you’re not looking for romance. Ultimately match.com is a site designed for people looking to find a romantic connection with someone- if you were asexual AND looking for a romantic partner it would be one thing. But if you’re really just looking for friends there are tons of other online resources for that – meetup.com is a good place to start, as well as local facebook groups of people who share interests of yours (book clubs, etc.). Good luck!
thanks for your feedback, Meetup is pretty shitty in my area, I’ve been going to groups for years now with literally nothing to show for it except some actual horrifying experiences which have made me even more inclined to stay in my house and play MMOs when I get lonely.
Ugh, I’m really sorry for both the horrifying experiences and that nothing I suggested was helpful. I think I’ve had good experiences with meetup because I do live in a large fairly liberal city, but I can see how it might not be so great in other areas. I did do a quick search and found this site which might be more along the lines of what you’re looking for? – http://www.not4dating.com/ – but I haven’t used it myself so can’t really vouch for it. I would also second the below recommendation for OK Cupid which I have used more extensively – although also a dating site I think it is generally more conducive to finding friends.
AHHHHH I have looked and never saw that site! A+ searching, you have this librarian’s sword.
That is high praise coming from a librarian! (no but I literally just googled “how to make friends online,” which is not the first time I’ve googled something like that! it may just be a fairly new site? I think I might try signing up myself…)
god I hope it is a new-ish site, I am a little embarrassed
As an MMO fiend, I can attest to the truth that MMOs can only make you lonelier. However, as a plus, you can put people on ignore, so that’s a plus?
Maybe start a Meet-up of your own? Someone had a great idea for one in Open Thread last week. Which involved inviting people over to read quietly and have boozy hot chocolate.
One day I will stop being shy/lazy/dying of fatigue+introversion and organize an Austin Toasties get-together. Maybe you could do the same in your city?
Yeah, MMOs are a bit tricky, not a terrible idea if you want people to “hang out” with, but if you don’t find a good guild and hang out with them regularly then nobody will know you and it’s basically going to a bar by yourself. Do you play Guild Wars 2? I might be on the lookout for a new free-to-play game soon but I still enjoy GW2.
I’ll spare you all my reservations about Meetup, it’s a long and sordid tale. I have organized and hosted them, at coffeeshops and home, and I can at least say it’s been a learning experience… I bet Austin is a great city to go out in!
My house has a few more phases of Home Improvement to survive, so once that’s settled I’m planning to start digging around in the online groups, and making friends and inviting people over for game nights etc. (There’s not really anywhere to go out at night so it has to be at a home.)
And yes I do dream of someday owning an Introvert’s Club 🙂 Maybe with a monthly subscription and drop-in rates like a yoga studio? But where you can go get a coffee or glass of wine and drop into a recliner with a book for an hour. Oh my god– imagine new parents subscribing in order to have a quick escape!
I highly recommend OKCupid instead of match.com, mostly because the sorts of people you find on match are more likely to be seeking long-term “traditional” relationships. One thing that’s really great about OKC is that they have expanded gender/identity options, so you can select ‘asexual’ or ‘demisexual’ if you want to be straightforward about your preferences. Also, you can select what sort of relationships you’re seeking (new friends / activity partners / casual sex, etc.) You can search by a lot of those filters, too, so you get more wheat, less chaff.
Source: been on OKC for the better part of a decade, almost all the close friendships/relationships in my life have been folks I’ve met through OKC.
I’ve made platonic friends on OKC.
Only lady friends, not sure I could make a platonic dude friend ok OKC. Not that platonic dude friends don’t exist -I have a few – just not on Okc
Time every pleasant conversation you have with an attractive stranger at a party. Once it has gone on for five minutes, make an excuse to leave and never speak to them again. Five minutes is the hard limit on plausible deniability.
I like to talk to the person at the party juuuust little enough that they’ll think it’s weird when I Facebook friend them later.
Oh noooo me too
i feel personally attacked and exposed. a+ article, a+ advice
This explains my feels exactly. How dare she.
Just pay any and all compliments in a heavily sarcastic tone. Nobody will ever know!
Say all sarcastic toned compliments with a raised eye brow and direct eye contact. Swathe yourself in the plausible deniability this brings
My husband got me this way and still does this 16 years later.
I do have a close friend who never believed me when I told her she looked nice. Now I tell her she looks like shit instead and she always, without fail, bursts out laughing.
Quietly post this article on Facebook in the hope that your crush will see it and know it was aimed at them.
already did this and basically said the same thing on my post. DOUBLE DOWN.
How about I post it to FB with the same comment but my crush doesn’t even have FB?
Yes. Excellent. So deniable.
I have very occasionally posted things to FB where I specifically set the visibility rules to exclude my crush in particular.
Think charming thoughts about them, as this will make them likelier to dream about you.
Guess their favorite flower. Make it your phone background.
Challenge them to an arm-wrestling competition. Handle your defeat poorly. If they can not best you in an arm-wrestling competition, they are not the person who is right for you, namely, Serena Williams.
Every so often, apropos of nothing, look around, shrug and say, “kissing, am I right?”
Shyly smile in their general direction, from the comfort of your own home.
Also, invite them to a friendly tennis match, and then make it really competitive and tough, and mock them for not being even a tiny bit like Serena Williams.
“Shyly smile in their general direction, from the comfort of your own home.”
Yes. All the time. Have you been spying on me at home?
Wish them “Happy Birthday!!” on Facebook. Then wish everyone you know a happy birthday, too, so they don’t think they’re special.
Hide yourself in an uncharted cave until someone comes looking for you. This way they’ll know that you’re independent, but also not seeing anybody else.
As a special bonus, you’ll just look so beautiful and so strong in that cave, and you were so brave when you hurt your ankle, and you’ve not only conquered your critics, but you’ve flirted successfully. It’s very efficient.
Instantly fall in love at first sight, flirt shamelessly for 2-3 minutes, have startling revelations you will come to regret, introduce them to your sister, live in dissatisfied intellectual co-dependency for the rest of your days and/or until the bastard cheats on your sister.
Angelica?!
Eliiiiiza
[whispers] and Peggy
The Schuyler Sisters
(werk)
The Schuyler Sisters!
IF ONE MORE OF YOU POSTS A GOD DAMN HAMILTON LYRIC IN *MY* POST, SO HELP ME
I know my sister like I know my own mind.
It’s good to see your face.
“Laurens, I like you a lot.”
My dearest, Mallory.
Holy shit it worked.
I’m not sorryyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Are you gonna punch the bursar?
You definitely did not throw away your shot.
Aw, I didn’t see yours when I posted mine. Ah well, there are many Angelicas in the world.
A thousand horrible things can happen to you. The most important thing you can do in life is establish plausible deniability that you have ever liked anyone, anywhere, ever. Here, then is a guide for the cautious. Remember: nothing ventured, nothing ventured.
Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, sir?
I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to wait for it.
write your feelings in a letter and shove the letter in a book. forget which book. lend several books to your intended.
was the letter in one of the books? you’ll never know. you’ll never ask. melt slowly into the ocean.
aaaauuugghhhhhh noooooooooooo
ARE YOU OKAY
I WOULD NEVER RECOVER
IT HAS BEEN A DIFFICULT TIME, TO SAY THE LEAST.
i’m playing the “no news is good news” game as i sweat myself to sleep at night. the next step is to probably to break into his house and steal the books back? because what if he’s forgotten about them and then i ask and then he’s like “oh i should read one of those.”
there’s also a very good possibility that i burned the letter months ago. I DON’T REMEMBER.
PACK YOUR BAGS AND MOVE AWAYYYYYY
oh my god this is an actual nightmare you poor, poor devil
You’ll have to burn their house down (be sure to save them, and their most prized possession, anonymously) and commit yourself to never reading or writing words again.
Touch their arm in a slightly overly familiar way while loudly expressing your hatred for something they love.
GET OUTTA MY HEAD
And never try and tell me that telling hipster boys the Beatles are overrated on every single first date I go on will not lead me to everlasting love
“i love the Beatles but i have to admit, they’re overrated.”
“oh, yeah, same.”
= legally married
Okay see this just sounds like most interactions I have with my mother-in-law, except she’s finally getting better at not randomly touching me.
Other people do this??!
Get into an argument about food and politics. Dump your pizza crusts on their plate and walk away. (We got married a few years later.)
Perhaps I can put some of these into effect for all the people who think I’m flirting but I’m just really friendly…
This is an issue for me as well. I hang out with too many gamers.
Memorize their work schedule, eat at there ONLY during their shifts, and never, ever speak to them.
this also works for knowing what city bus they take to university and timing your arrival so that you “just happen” to walk past the bus stop at the same time
Set them up with one of your closest friends, because you love them both and know they will be perfect together.
Realize that you did not think this through very well. But hey, you have done a good deed and contributed to the happiness of the world. What do you have to be sad about?
Well AUTSJ
Basically, I am Angelica Schuyler.
An attractive person you recognize from a screenwriting class comes to the library where you work. When he attempts to start a conversation with you as you check out his books, reply so that your voice is barely audible, do not look at him in the face once, and right before he’s about to leave knock the giant stack of books he checked out over onto the floor at his feet.
Later when he shares a draft in class about an extremely shy person he would like to get to know better, and it’s clearly about you, stop going to that class. The F you get later is worth narrowly avoiding getting to know someone better that you might have ended up dating. Whew.
Oh no, that’s a sad story 🙁
There are thousands more where that came from!!!
Experiences like these gradually forced me out of my little introvert’s cave of safety and lead me to become a somewhat shameless/ferocious person, because I learned that hiding doesn’t necessarily save you from acute embarrassment. And these days my threshold for embarrassment is fairly high and I’ve gotten much joy from acting like a fool in public, with friends or alone. Still chickenshit when it comes to matters of the heart, though. But I’m working on it!
I have actually done exactly this. Except in the saddest fashion, I also joined another theatre class and the theatre group that he’s in, while still talking loudly within his earshot, just never to him. It’s worked perfectly, he hasn’t talked to me since our first conversation.
tl;dr Talk less; smile more
Smiling is entirely too forward. talk less, find excuses to go into the other room more often.
*hangs head*
*slips quietly out of door*
*hides under bed*
Meet at a big party. Bring them home with you. When they go to leave your house, definitely don’t ask for their number (sex is in no way sufficiently reliable evidence that they are attracted to you), but say “see you around,” even though you have no mutual friends and definitely won’t. Fail to find them on Facebook. Tell all your friends that it’s so freeing never having to see someone you liked a second time.
>>Be sure to mention in passing someone else you find attractive, who looks nothing like them. This will throw everyone off the scent.
See the problem here is that it introduces the idea that you can be attracted to people.
Which should be avoided at all costs or people would get crazy notions about you being a Person with Feelings. GOD NO.
(Once long ago, in the middle of a conversation with a girl in my youth group [oh the days] and I dropped the phrase “once I had a crush,” with some trepidation [look at how normal I am!] ,and she went “oh! I just, I never thought of you as having had a crush on anyone??”
Looking back, I should not have been surprised at my Issues in telling people I like them.)
Would you like a fistbump of solidarity? Years ago, I was mooning over someone, and one of my classmates, looking startled, said, “Huh. I guess I always thought of you as asexual.”
Asexual is a perfectly fine way to be; however, I am not. I am just mostly quiet about crushy feelings. They are for poems and anonymous internet conversations, not for talking about with people who know me.
Can’t recommend this to others, but it’s always worked for me: 1) Notice an attractive person. 2) Loathe self. 3) Leave quickly and quietly.
The only time I’ve run into trouble with this method was when I accidentally said good morning to a stranger, and then had to take a different bus to work for a year.
Oh god SAME.
Invite him to all your parties and social events, take care to pay him special attention, then when he proposes to you in the carriage on the way home from a ball, be TOTALLY SHOCKED because you were only courting him for Harriet and HOW DARE HE.
…I may have done this before. Obviously what he proposed wasn’t marriage, but the friend I had invited him for was still not thrilled. Entirely justifiably.
Look, he was always going to marry an Augusta, and it was your bad for thinking otherwise.
Loudly proclaim that she is tolerable, you suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt you. Later, over correct by proposing marriage.
Were we posting Jane Austen comments at the same time? DID WE JUST BECOME BEST FRIENDS?!
YUP.
(Within a minute of each other – that’s UNCANNY.)
I know this is days later but this comment is still delighting me.
Mallory=Darcy?
‘Hide yourself in an uncharted cave until someone comes looking for you. This way they’ll know that you’re independent, but also not seeing anybody else.’
Wait… so was Luke Skywalker trying to get away with incestuous flirtation? Is that the real backstory of Star Wars VII?
I was actually thinking how well that cave strategy would work on attracting me. And upon further reflection it really explains so much about my deep and abiding crush on both Luke and Obi-wan (and this Obi-wan one even dates back to the era of Alec Guinness, which made for confusing childhood feelings, considering the age difference…)
See a stand-up set by a delightful Australian lesbian comedian. Wait around for 90 minutes after the show trying to work up the courage to talk to her. Finally introduce yourself by babbling incoherently. Somehow manage through all of this to con her into making a major pass at you.
…And then yell ‘well, bye!!!’ in her face and run, literally run, down the stairs and out of the building and halfway down the block, before realising what you have done. Immediately die, forever.
(Hannah Gadsby, MICF, 2009. I will never stop telling the story.)
Also, is it just me or is there some overlap with a previous article here? Is it possible that all flirting lesbians are actually angry Canadians?
This happened to me with a lesbian comedian from Youtube. She hugged me like, four times and asked me to come clubbing with her. I ran out of the event like I had food poisoning.
I had something very similar happen with Nathan Fillion. I console myself by hardcore avoiding Castle. You’re not alone!
Tease her a little bit about the fact that she is mortal and will someday die.
Hey, guys, Mallory keeps flirting with me via her website.
Not a complaint.
Refuse to make eye contact. Look repeatedly in their direction and then look away and fake laugh, so clearly you were looking at something TOTALLY different. If they try to talk to you, cross your arms across your chest and make your body language as uninviting as possible.
IDK, sometimes it works with cats.
basically most crushes respond to gentle under breath purring and half-closed lids while slowly turning your head away, it makes them feel safe
This is why Issa Rae’s idea for show called “L.A. Guys are the Worst” has to exist.
Post a comment to something they wrote referencing a musical you know they hate, just to get them to notice you. Haha wut.
I see what you did here (and upthread…).
I just tried flirting (or “normal talking” – I don’t even know) to someone that has been making me lusciously nervous for a while. Jesus christ am I out of practice. Hermit-living does not agree with me in these capacities. I am possibly still having a heart attack. Help, help.
Meet a person and immediately forget absolutely everything about them the next day.
Meet them again eight months later when nothing remains of them in your mind, save for the faintest feeling deep in your bones that you could make a lot of obscure X-Men jokes to them and they would totally get every one.
Make a lot of obscure X-Men jokes to them.
That’s how my boyfriend and I got together so it MUST BE FOOLPROOF.
Spot an attractive stranger at a party. Say “he looks like [celebrity you find attractive]!” louder than you meant to to all your friends. Say hello, realize you don’t know where to go from there, and leave the party.
The next week, find him on Facebook, add him, and then studiously ignore him for the rest of your life.
You have the best dating stories, Mallory. Between this and the story of fighting a bouncer because you thought he was looking at your bird.
pointedly refuse to like anything they post on facebook. look through all their photos and search them at least once a week, then panic trying to figure out whether that widget that tells you who’s been creeping is an Actual Thing. accidentally comment on one of their posts because you weren’t looking at who posted it, then spend half an hour debating whether to delete the comment, then decide to leave it up because it would be weirder not to. re-panic when they like your comment.
um, also am i the only one who thought at first you were trying to flirt with the Platonic ideal of Plausible Deniability personified
“pointedly refuse to like anything they post on facebook.”
::cringing in cognition::
“Pointedly post things you know they’ll like and then get mad when they don’t” also.
“Just feel things very intensely. They’ll know what to do.”
When he tells you these feelings are reciprocated, say nothing for a long stretch of time. When nothing comes of this get over him. When he makes a drunken sexual pass years later, laugh for a slightly cruel amount of time and say no when you realize he’s serious. Suddenly never exist to one of your best friends ever again
I like to pair my jeans of handshake wiping with my hoodie of mistaken intentions (raise hood of shame in cases where deniability fails). Also the t-shirt of snark and the trainers of I used to skateboard…decades ago.
That ensemble, along with being over 40, has rendered me mostly invisible and helped a TON with plausible deniability.
I couldn’t have said anything, I’m not even here!
k but why are there straight people in West Hollywood
It’s our sense of entitlement combined with our cluelessness. Potent mixture. Though even I, who used to cluelessly take naked, platonic (on my end) naps with my dearest lesbian friend in college, am shocked that she would assert her straightness so meanly in West Hollywood. Say that shit apologetically, lady.
Write a comment about him on your favorite website. Several hours later, read the latest comments and notice that yours still hasn’t been approved/posted. Decide it’s better this way; clearly the universe does not want that man you knew 17 years ago, who is highly unlikely to read said website, to SOMEHOW see your comment, recognize himself, and know that you did in fact have a crush on him.
Whew.
Drunkenly hook up as a rebound, realize you actually like them. Wait until they reach out to a mutual friend to make sure you’re single, get back with ex. Live out you life consumed by regret.
If she looks in your direction, stare blankly as though nothing in the world has ever held any joy or interest for you. You have never even noticed her, and if you had noticed her, you would have not have had any thoughts or feelings about the experience whatsoever. Do not, under any circumstances, smile at her. Pretend your facial muscles are frozen in a mask of ice.
Sometimes the truth in humor can be so true that there’s no humor left.
Give them a little pen and ink drawing of a flower, then give them one sinister and abstract doodle per week for the rest of the school year.
Compliment them on their hair, smile, and body, and then laugh nervously and change the subject.
Any time they get too physically close to you, climb a tree immediately.
…I’m so glad everyone else’s highschool (and okay kind of adult) selves was at least kind of this awkward.
I might need to hear more about the tree climbing? Like, did this actually happen and how did you always manage to have a tree nearby? Because I feel like this is something I would have done, but there were never any convenient trees.
Refer to them as being like your brother. It doesn’t matter if they’re not a dude.
Only convincing if one of you does not look butcher-than-butch. Then actual straight women who you're just having a coffee/conversation with get the hairy eyeball.
I had a crush on someone (who I'd had COFFEE with NOT DATES) who cornered me in a doorway at a party, looking outside at the stars. So we go "Oh wow, beautiful stars blah blah". Then she says, "It's so gorgeous here, it would be the perfect place for a kiss". "Oh yeah," I say blankly (OMG I DESPERATELY WANT TO KISS HER BUT SHE WOULD NOT BE INTO IT OK), and then go home. And then realise as soon as I walk in the door just how fucking stupid I am.
Luckily we actually managed to get it together a few weeks later, although I can't recall what she did or said to clobber me over the head and finally get me to make a move. (She was just in the process of coming out and wasn't sure how to approach ze butchy-butches, although her initial approach would have been just fine if someone hadn't been such an idiot.)
Text her quotes from Sappho poems, but use the least sexy translation. Never check your replies. Throw your phone into the river.
Watch in despair as she marries your lone single male friend.
‘Like’ their dating profile, but only if they specifically mentioned that they haven’t paid for premium and cannot see ‘likes’.
They invite you to like the facebook page for the organisation they set up. It takes you 15 minutes to decide whether clicking like would be too forward.
Meet him at at party, instantly fall in love, and then immediately introduce him to your sister.
At least you’ll still have his eyes in your life…
I’ve had a guy I sort of liked do this weird stuff to me for a year. I finally figured out he was trying to get me to interview him for a job…
I had a guy for awhile who I think was undecided on whether he wanted to ask me out or get me to hire him, which led to one of the oddest coffee dates I’ve ever experienced.
I couldn’t decide if I was flattered he thought I was so powerful or disappointed he had other priorities.
I do all of these things. Typically when I feel attracted to someone, you can tell because they are the only person in the room who I will never look at. I will also add that if someone expresses attraction to me (never happened, totally hypothetical situation) tell them that this means they are clearly too good for me.
Very late to this thread but I totally know how you feel. Back in grad school I had an actual phone conversation with my mom that went something like:
me; but I don't understand why this guy seems to be so interested in me
mom: well, he's obviously attracted to you
me:…I guess
Like I literally couldn't fully even understand what she was saying. I got it in a distant kind of way, but there was this piece missing where I just didn't get how that could be true. Not because I don't think I'm attractive (I'm damn adorable) but because that feeling of attraction was just not a thing for me. And that was like 5 years ago and I only really admitted to myself that I'm probably ace/aro maybe last year. The Toast has been amazingly wonderful as a place to find people who are also ace but also to not worry about feeling judged about the whole thing.
This is amazing.
don’t make eye contact. never make eye contact.
Smile broadly at them but lean away, with your knees decidedly pointing in the opposite direction of them.
Have a wonderful and very personal conversation over dinner. Avoid saying hello to them the next day and all subsequent days. Hope that they are receiving your telepathic messages. Apologize for your social anxiety via text. Receive no response.
Meet at a students’ club, read each other’s stuff and immediately fall for each other. Mutually decide (without ever mentioning this to the other person) that you are out of each other’s league and only keep very sporadic and awkward contact for years, both ending up in unhappy relationships.
Somehow get out of these alive and casually approach the other person about returning a book (by Marx & Engels) borrowed years ago. Move in together after several days.
(We are still very happy, thank you.)
Attend a function he invited you to. Leave clandestinely without saying bye.