Love Song of the Pantyhose Troll -The Toast

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Two friends and I had a blog called Don’t Do That where we ranted about things we liked and didn’t like. We didn’t like white tights or pantyhose with open-toed shoes. This did not go over well with a certain group, who expressed their displeasure through dozens of comments that boiled down to “you are ugly, hose are great, allow me to say this in the creepiest way possible.” Three years after we abandoned the blog, we still get one or two comments a month. That’s dedication.  Which is why I decided to pay, um, tribute?–sure, let’s go with tribute–to them by remaking their insults into a poem. 

Screen Shot 2013-07-25 at 6.05.06 AMwomens who wear skirts with no hose look funny

Screen Shot 2013-07-25 at 6.16.50 AMleather shoes should really be worn with some sort of textile insulation

and they look great with shorts

fabrics today make them easier

you would never wear pantyhose for your boyfriend husband?

Screen Shot 2013-07-25 at 6.03.58 AMyou clearly know nothing about sexuality or the opposite sex ladies

guys want girls to be girls not this

politicly lesbian correct

society that we live in

I think it’s fairly representative of men as a whole population

it is not a question of yes or no

they are making a come back

most look awful, especially their knees

Screen Shot 2013-07-25 at 6.05.23 AMcute in a “pure” kind of way but nothing wrong with that

I’ve personally seen

the women

have you ever seen a woman

that is wearing some type of hose

what a dillusional hose-hater

trying to make women less sexy and appealing by trying to brainwash them

(I wear pantyhose everyday even in the summer with sandals)

its somewhat a part of the

Screen Shot 2013-07-25 at 6.04.17 AMfeminist


to get women not to wear hose as little as possible

(I wear shorts with hose as well)

pantyhose are the most sexiest piece of clothing a woman can wear

wearing pantyhose with sandals also tends to keep your feet clean

maybe it’s a weird fetish thing?

Screen Shot 2013-07-25 at 6.10.13 AM



llustrator: Esther C. Werdiger writes, draws, and podcasts in New York. She’s not quitting her day job, because that’s how she has her visa.

Lyette Mercier actually loved all of these jobs, except for the one with the rats.

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