This post is brought to you by MyEvilTwin, and is spiritually dedicated to the eternal majesty of the late Edward Gorey and also how much we don’t like Elf on a Shelf.

A is for Ann skewered on a holly stake

B is for Brighton who ate the fruitcake

C is for Clio dismembered by cat

D is for Dylan by dinos stomped flat

E is for Ella by nutcracker smashed

F is for Freya whose wee elf sled crashed

G is for Gabe whose stomach exploded

H is for Herb whose toy gun was loaded

I is for Ike who thought pills were candy

J is for Jae didn’t know nog had brandy

K is  for Kade who froze in the icebox

L is for Lila smashed by falling blocks

M is for Maddox by candle aflame

N is for Nyla slammed in window frame

O is for Ollie by icicle brained

P is for Pippa on a garland hanged

Q is for Quartz’s peanut allergy

R is for Ron fried by lights on the tree

S is for Sasha in stocking smothered

T is for Tai from plumbing recovered

U is for Ute by CD beheaded

V is for Val in snowbank embedded

W is for Winston devoured by Prancer

X is for Xin whose screams found no answer

Y is for Yon by angel figure crushed

Z is for Ziv in figgy pudding mushed