This is the first in a series which will continue until Tatler sues or hires Nicole.
Here are the best parts of this month’s Tatler.
1. “Clémence Poésy is recalling the time that Eddie Redmayne went down on her. They were filming the BBC’s adaptation of Birdsong, and Eddie taped cherry-flavored Haribo to Clémence’s inner thigh as the demarcation point for his questing tongue. ‘Oh my God!’ she says, realizing she may have overshared.”
–Clémence (Sophia Money-Coutts)
2. “He lives in Bermondsey and likes hanging out with “best friend” Freddie Fox. There are a couple more Hollywood films on their way–one with Russell Crowe, another with Channing Tatum. But what about the GIRLS? ‘I’m, erm, in a relationship at the moment,’ he says carefully. No word on who the mystery woman is…”
–The Romeo: Douglas Booth (Sophia Money-Coutts)
3. This list of fishing-related items for purchase: 
4. “…drunching–drunk-brunching–is taking over the weekend party scene as enthusiastically as a pissed-up day tripper in Brighton.”
–Eat, drunch and be merry (Giorgina Ramazzotti)
5. Inspiring Tales:
6. “There are plenty of people who love pre-Raphaelite paintings and good for them, I say. Just like people who love margarine: everyone’s entitled to their own taste. In my view, that’s the only thing to explain the multimillion-pound estimate for this painting, one of the simplistic, soppy scenes the Pre-Raphs delighted in inflicting on the world.”
–Slow Burne (Josh Spero)
7. This apology: 
8. A feature on English aristocrats and their pet birds, which includes a peacock named “Polyphemus,” two dead pheasants, and a chicken named “Peeku.” Also, an interview with Valentino’s four pugs: Mary, Maude, Milton and Margot.
Tags: imminent bloody class warfare, tatler, the world’s best magazine
Yeah, we’re definitely gettin sued. SHUT IT DOWN
No man can stifle me.
All men must die, but we are not men!
Valentino’s pug Maude is somehow very appropriate.
shut up and do the damn payroll, nerd
(Um, Nick, that is. Not Nicole.)
A peacock named Polyphemus. Really.
It has to be a one-eyed peacock, right?
I HOPE SO.
I thought Tatler was a fictional magazine used by 20th century British writers as a catch-all indicator of a character’s interest high-end gossip until I saw a copy in my stylish European stepmother-in-law’s bag. Now I am worried that, in fact, it is I who am fictional. Who has a stylish European stepmother-in-law who reads Tatler? It is just too unlikely.
Until I read your comment, I thought this whole piece was made up. (Seriously.)
OH GOD WE’RE ALL FICTIONAL
Fleur Delacour is recalling the time that Marius from Les Miserables went down on her.
Sometimes the fan fic just writes itself?
How I wish “Sophia Money-Coutts” could be my pseudonym for a future career as a Tatler-writer, but I guess it’s already taken. “Amelie Cash-Trouzers” or “Hannelore Farthing-Gale” don’t have quite the same ring.
All I want in this world is to be friends with Sophia Money-Coutts.
The whole family is amazing. And mad. Her brother is a magician, and their bank sends out an enormous amount of leather folders to their clients.
I thought this was a joke, but in Tatler, nothing is a joke. Horrifying. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crispin_Money-Coutts…
I misread it throughout the entire article as “Sophia Money-Counts.”
Which, of course, but other things count so much more, you know, darling.
“Sophia Counts-Money” would look even better on the leather bank folders missellabell mentioned above!
Clémence Poésy was in something besides Harry Potter?
Well, she was on Gossip Girl and she was a love interest for Chuck when he was pretending to be a crippled French baker, but it didn’t work out because she was a secret prostitute, but actually Chuck didn’t mind that, but they broke up anyway because instead of being a crippled French baker he actually owned a hotel.
So I guess she’s really into cinema verite.
I was about to say “damn I miss Gossip Girl” but then I remembered that no, I do not.*
*I kind of do?
In my house, we make frequent references to the Homicidal Wolves of Long Island.
Wait, WHAT. I clearly missed a lot those last few seasons.
She was also in In Bruges! I think.
Either way, she is super duper pretty.
She was in In Bruges! I know because this is one of my favourite movies ever. This probably says horrible things about me BUT WHATEVER.
nope, loves it.
AND MINE. It’s so good. It’s so good. And it makes me laugh, and cry like a baby. I don’t feel justified in posting any of my favourite clips here, because they are all quite, quite sweary. Harry!
MY PEOPLE.
yesss, except I have to convince myself that (spoilers?) the voice over at the end PROVES that Colin Farrell is STILL ALIVE and can go on and start his new happy life,because otherwise tears.
Yes! I saw it for the first time a few weeks ago and I really liked it!
Oh yeah, she was! Along with Voldemort, Mad-Eye Moody, and Aberforth. I can’t believe I forgot that!
Accidentally shot on a grouse moor.
I misread that as “accidentally shot by a grouse moor” and decided that an Othello-like grouse had somehow gotten ahold of a gun and accidentally shot this person. It was very Shakespearean.
See? It’s dangerous to be rich and classy. That’s why I am neither.
Aren’t moors usually, y’know, flat with minimal vegetation? And grouse a) about 1/10 the size of a person b) flying?
omg I need to subscribe to this insanity. It’s a million dollars though, isn’t it?
It is exactly a million dollars, I know, because it arrives in a black plastic wrapper for me from the United Kingdom once a month like really expensive pornography.
That just makes me want it more! But ugh, you have to email them to subscribe? And there’s no prices anywhere? WHAT CENTURY ARE YOU LIVING IN TATLER?
I subscribe via Amazon. It takes like a billion years to start coming, but then it does. Please don’t go look, I don’t want you to know how much I spend on Tatler. It’s humiliating.
$103.27 ($8.61/issue)
Usually ships in 12 to 16 weeks
Which is worse? The 3-4 month lead time to subscribe to a magazine, a process that should take, zero minutes, 5 seconds, or the $9 an issue price?
This was my encouragement to go subscribe to Country Life, a magazine I fell in love with in the heady days of 2007 when I thought the global economy would ever prosper. The magazine drips with decadence and I will revel in hate-reading it while I promise to myself I’ll never splash out as much on a magazine featuring minor nobility ever, ever again.
the right people don’t need to be told the price. they already know.
I KNEW IT.
(I looked Nicole. It seems worth it. I would never judge someone on their magazine habit. I basically have piles and piles of them all over my apartment).
I could always send you one to see how you like it. I live in England.
Kinda don’t get it about the Haribo?
My jaw straight-up dropped when I read the Eddie Redmayne thing… I’ll be in my bunk, thanks.
RIGHT??
WAIT SERIOUSLY I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE HARIBOU THING SOMEONE EXPLAIN THAT IT SOUNDS IMPORTANT.
He taped a gummy bear to her inner thigh and that, I believe, is what he “went down on” for the scene they were filming. So he was going to town on a gummy bear stuck in/near her crotch. I’m not sure there’s anything more to it than that, but, really, does there NEED to be anything more to it than that?
OH.
Okay, I did not understand that they were acting and that he was not her actual real-life lover at the time. But now that’s pretty much what I’m going to imagine is happening in any movie where oral sex is being performed on a lady. Which is fewer movies than I’d like, really.
OOOHHHHH. That makes sense. I also did not understand that she was talking about acting and not an actual romantic encounter.
Way to bury lede Nicole. Mary, Margot, Maude and Milton!!! Valentino tells all about the pug family!? I need DETAILS about these pugs! I have no subscription to Tatler. Someone please help.
“This is the first in a series which will continue until Tatler sues or hires Nicole.”
JOYFUL NEWS.
Valentino's pug Maude is somehow very appropriate.
I thought this was a joke, but in Tatler, nothing is a joke. Horrifying. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crispin_Money-Coutts…
$103.27 ($8.61/issue)
Usually ships in 12 to 16 weeks
Which is worse? The 3-4 month lead time to subscribe to a magazine, a process that should take, zero minutes, 5 seconds, or the $9 an issue price?
I could always send you one to see how you like it. I live in England.