1. Why don’t restaurants just tack on a service charge and distribute it to the staff, and then they can all live equitably together in a cooperative housing development with a chore wheel, as they do in Europe? Wouldn’t that work better?
2. Yes, because European waiters are renowned the world over for their tact and lack of condescension. SMDH.
3. If we get rid of tipping, by what mechanism will I be able to goad an attractive younger woman into letting me vaguely sexually harass her for forty minutes twice a week?
4. Tipping originally stood for “To Insure Prompt Service.”
5. You’re supposed to tip 20% now? I can’t afford that, we’re in a goddamn recession.
6. DON’T GO OUT TO EAT THEN.
7. I tip 10-15% on the pre-tax amount for adequate service, 20% for excellent service, which I have never received, and I will leave a single dime if my server displeases me.
8. If you tip less than 15%, you are actually stealing from your server. In addition, mistakes are never the server’s fault, it is always the fault of the kitchen. All servers are Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets.
9. I had a server throw a glass of water in my face once because I asked for a new one without a lipstick stain.
10. She was probably having a really hard day.
11. I am a server, and you really need to tip thirty percent after tax. If you do not do this, you’re eating a lot of spit.
12. Servers don’t actually spit in your food. That’s just something people say.
13. No, it’s not.
14. Do you tip your dentist? Your coal miner?
15. It is no more work to open a $500 bottle of wine than a $10 one.
16. “I don’t tip because society says I have to. All right, if someone deserves a tip, if they really put forth an effort, I’ll give them something a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, it’s for the birds. As far as I’m concerned, they’re just doing their job.” – MR PINK
17. They had a tip jar out at my dry cleaner’s yesterday, and it made me so angry I wanted to literally rip out someone’s throat and bathe in their hot blood.
18. Canadians are the worst tippers.
19. Did you know that in many restaurants, servers refer to black people as “Canadians” so they can complain about them loudly and freely?
20. Black people are the worst tippers, though. That’s why when I get a party of black people, I’m deliberately surly and provide lackluster service and make them flag me down for the check.
21. No, groups of middle-aged white women on their way home from church are the worst tippers.
22. I think we’re all agreed that old people are both the worst tippers and the most demanding.
23. Why don’t servers want to get rid of tips, if it sucks so much?
24. Because our lives are difficult and long, like your own, and some nights the hope that the monotony might be punctuated with an unexpectedly large tip is the only thing that keeps me from stabbing people who want to split their check in uneven amounts.
25. Sounds like you have a shitty job. Maybe you should go to school and get a better one?
26. “I’m very sorry the government taxes their tips, that’s fucked up. That ain’t my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn’t do that, I’ll sign it, put it to a vote, I’ll vote for it, but what I won’t do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin’ type, ’cause if you’re expecting me to help out with the rent you’re in for a big fuckin’ surprise.” – MR PINK
27. I hope your tiny dick falls off and I step on it with my four-inch heels that I wear because guys tip more when I wear heels.
28. This thread has been closed for review by a moderator.
Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.