(as opposed to the nation’s)
Physical Education:
Can take food in mouth and somehow push it through body and eventually out – consistently
Can turn food into energy source without aid of batteries or wind power – consistently
Art:
Folds napkins into swans – never
Uses cloth napkins – never
Uses paper napkins – rarely
Uses paper towels – often
Uses shirt – opportunistically
Religion:
Has grasped that providing self with food is morally neutral – shows improvement
Social Skills:
Shares dessert with minimal resentment – mostly
Demonstrates self-control – often
Accepts responsibility for own actions – when indicated
Respects rights and feelings of others – if not raisin-based
Mathematics:
Can divide a frittata between six people evenly – mostly
Can divide a pint of ice cream into 3.5 servings – rarely
Reading:
Can process the written word while eating – always
Can identify and avoid menu items whose price is listed as “MP” – consistently
Listening and Speaking:
Finishes chewing before speaking – almost always
Tags: food, report cards, your personal failings
I do not like the sound of these ‘Yonanas’.
The way the article describes it it kind of just sounds like….a bowl and spoon…to mix fruit together?
I see ‘Yonanas’, I hear Yo Mammas.
Comprehending that a pint of ice cream is one serving, and the serving size is merely a rhetorical tool to suggest ice cream can be ‘healthier’ than it is: A+
“Respects rights and feelings of others – if not raisin-based.”
Amen. Raisins are an abomination,
Send all of your raisins my way, I will provide them with a delicious warm home in my oatmeal.
Sometimes I the Bergy Bits would survive on “mazins” alone if left to their own devices.
Psst! Secret tip: raisins and maple syrup in oatmeal. GLORIOUS. ::sticks face in bowl, licks sides::
and a stick of cinnamon! glorious.
Raisins, as Nicole and I have often maintained, are a pretty fucked-up thing to do to a grape.
Just think of them as grapes that retired and moved to Florida to bake in the sun.
Grapes that retired and moved to Florida to bake in the sun and buy a handgun and grouse about the old days when they had to do everything for themselves. “Grapes these days!” they say, shooting suspicious looks at hotshot “seedless” fruit and making a mental note to give the next telemarketer a piece of their shriveled minds.
Raisins are totally like retired, cantankerous grapes: okay on their own or in small red cardboard boxes, vile poison when hiding in scones and cookies and cereal.
grapes can be grapes or wine. no one with any sense would ever make them raisins.
One time I ate a raisin covered in white chocolate and it was a disaster.
They are the droppings of the Devil’s bunny.
“[…] a 21st century muffin often contains as many as 800 calories.”
Enormously successful internet idea of the day: A dating & baking blog called “21st Century Muffin”. I would start it myself, but I am terrible at both of those things.
“Has grasped that providing self with food is morally neutral – shows improvement”
yes this please thank you
also: Tolerance for food shame: rapidly decreasing ::crams cheese in mouth, sticks out tongue::
I have never had tolerance for food shame, or more particularly, food shame disguised as food envy. “Oh, wow, I wish I could have one of those!” Eff you, you can. Get over it and enjoy your damn life.
Right?! Jesus God, people, eat a goddamned doughnut. Or don’t! It’s your choice what you put into your body! But I am done with food being used as a proxy for social and moral worth. If I hear one more self-righteous dope lecturing the world on “clean eating” I am going to drive a hardened Twinkie through their skull.
Just use the twinkie to make the sign of a cross*; they will be driven shrieking from your presence.
*trans fat molecule?
“And the disciples said to Jesus, We have here but five loaves, and two fishes. He said, Bring them hither to me. And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, and took the five loaves, and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude. But the people would not eat, for some said that the bread was not made of organic flour, and others that it was not whole-wheat; and of the fishes, some said that they were too oily, and still others asked why there was no kale, and yet others would partake of nothing but the juices of fruits and green things. And Jesus sighed very slowly, and looked skyward, and ate his bread and fish.”
Comment of the Day!
Wish I could give this more thumbs up.
I will also note in passing that I have been taking some steps to reach a less risky weight (I have a number of risk factors for heart disease) and yes, party people, you can lose weight (if you want to!) while eating peanut butter and white flour and cheese and chocolate and Froot Loops. You can lose weight (if you want to!) while sleeping in late and watching TV marathons and doing all the awesome slothly things you regularly do. You can EVEN lose weight (if you want to!) without bemoaning the fact that you are on a diet and are therefore restricted from all of life’s pleasures. It was so incredible when I recently started to figure that out. My God. Imagine that.
Maybe it works if you want to, but I have wanted to lose weight for years, and tried many things unsuccessfully…please don’t imply that all it takes for successful weight loss is just wanting it enough. I can assure you, facing the abuse and discrimination that I have at my weight, I already want it enough. My body is not cooperating however.
I apologize; I did not intend to imply that, but looking at what I said, I can see where you drew that conclusion, and I am sorry. I avoided all attempts at discussing weight for many years because the messages I received (which I think might be similar to what you have experienced) were entirely negative and shaming, and even getting close enough to think about doing this required a huge output of emotional energy and a lot of crying. The only reason I’m trying this is because of my health situation, which is unusual and high-risk. And I think one of the only reasons it seems to be working (so far) is because of those wonderful people out there who continue to say, loudly, over and over, that body size is NOT a fair, accurate, or loving way to look at people. They gave me the shielding and the weapons to help push back against the messages I was (still am) getting bombarded with, and made it clear that I deserved to love my body, period, no matter what I decided to do or not do with it.
My personal experience with trying to lose weight is that it has been a hugely frustrating enterprise that requires an enormous sustained effort on multiple levels. It has been mentally exhausting. And even then, even with all that effort, I could still not lose weight- there’s no guarantee that I won’t end up tired and beaten up and back where I started. And I have also tried to lose weight before and failed to do so. You are entirely right that wanting it isn’t enough- if it was, the weight cycling industry would be out of business.
Uh. Anyhow, this is a long way of saying that I hear what you’re saying, and I agree with you, and I am so sorry if I contributed to the dogpile of shit that I know anyone who doesn’t weight /exactly the right amount as determined by society/ has to shovel through every day. It sucks, and it’s wrong, and it’s something that all the peppy “Change yourself!” advice just makes worse.
Can I suggest editing that to “some people can lose weight…” not everyone can. And this is okay, for people who can lose weight this way and for those who can’t. Not all bodies are the same etc etc etc etc.__And re: your spectacular Loaves and Fishes miracle above. Really, if I was going to moralize in public about food (which I try not to do, but none of us is ideally polite all the time). I would make these my hobby horses:__1) Poverty and hunger are choices made by the wealthy and imposed upon the poor. They are solvable problems. (Thanks, Paul Farmer/ Gustavo Gutierrez) __2) Food security is a right of citizenship. (Thank you, city of Belo Horizonte, Brazil)_
Yes, “some people can lose weight” would be a much better wording- thank you for suggesting that! I can’t edit the post now, but that is a much, much better way of saying what I tried (and failed to say). You are right, that is a thing that is working for me right now, but all people and bodies are different, and I should have made that much clearer. Again, I am so sorry for making anyone feel bad. I have been on the receiving end of plenty of similar well-meaning advice before and it hurts like hell. argh why are bodies HARD.
And completely concurred on the last two.
Obviously foods being “sinful” or whatever is nonsense, but I hope we can agree that there are real moral issues surrounding food on the production side. So long as we’re eating things besides manna from heaven, there are moral issues involved in providing yourself with food.
I am the WORST about talking with food in my mouth, I do it allll the time. There’s only so many hours in the day, people.
UGH MP and when prices aren’t listed on a menu – it’s their way of saying, if you have to ask, you can’t afford to eat here.
I can understand market price a little more- if you print up one menu for a three or six or twelve month period, prices can jump up and down a lot in that interval- but yeah, not putting the prices on a menu is garbage.
Yes, it’s totally fair enough, but I resent it all the same because I am a Poor. 😉
Oh yeah, I feel you. Why you gotta be so pricy, delicious seafoods. 🙁
Oh man, there was this one time I was at a nice-ish restaurant, and when the waiter told us the specials, he also told us the prices. It was AMAZING. I didn’t order any of them but it was really nice to just be told how much they would’ve cost without me having to ask (and then awkwardly say, “Uh…never mind” when I find out how much it is).
Shows appropriate respect of and appreciation toward the glory of apples: never
*glares at Mallory and Nicole*
I’m tired of CSPI nagging about low fat diets. Low fat is bogus. Two Drs and a nutritionist have told me to eat fatty protein. Doctors orders, CSPI. Also crackly chicken skin on roast chicken-the best
Also bacon.
I eat a lot (a LOT) a fat, mainly in the form of peanut butter and avocado and olive oil, and let me tell you: it is glorious! Keeps me feeling sated and my hair looking shiny. Team Fat!
I read that as “keeps me feeling salted” and I was like, “yes that is one of my dietary goals as well!” SALT, people.
I eat stupid amounts of salt as well. (So much salt, so much fat. Suck it, conventional nutrition standards.) It’s lucky that I have orthostatic hypotension*, for which salt can be a quick treatment, because it really gives me cart blanche to indulge my insatiable salt desires.
*other than that time I passed out in my shower somewhere in the vein of three to seven times
Did you know that WIC (Women, Infants & Children – sort of like food stamps if you don’t know) doesn’t cover full-fat milk for children over 2 years of age? It’s an anti-obesity measure, apparently, and it makes me stabby. Children need good fats to develop!
what in the actual FUCK.
School lunches similarly are low-fat and low-calorie, which I don’t get.
Look. I have a 4 year old. He spends most of the day running in circles and jumping on things, and growing his brain. Both of these things require calories and fat. You’d really rather he be hungry and skinny than fat and properly nutritioned and active and able to learn?
I have a toddler. Said toddler loves all fatty things to distraction – avocado, cheese, peanut butter, full-fat milk, ice cream, butter, olive oil, chocolate. I look at it this way – she is a small human being, better able and equipped to listen to her lovely little body than those of us who have been shamed out of loving things for decades. If her body loves these things, these things are good and she may have them. And so may I. I’m going to go put whole milk in my tea now.
I bestow upon you the Gold Star of Parenting, because you are Doing It Right! Those things are all wonderful. Mine want to eat dill pickle slices and ketchup all day, but then again the other night they devoured a tray of baby carrots, raw broccoli & cherry tomatoes (OK, with the help of some ranch dressing).
Your toddler:
1) needs that fat- NEEDS IT- to develop energy stores and to grow her brain.
2) (hopefully) hasn’t yet learned to ignore her body, and will stop eating when she feels full
Keep on keepin’ on.
DO NOT READ THE NATION’S REPORT CARD LINK AT THE TOP UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET REALLY ANGRY. I have to go focus at my job now (fuck yeah end of fiscal year!) and therefore will not be returning to debate this til very late tonight, but it is mostly (I SAID MOSTLY) a steaming load of fatphobic bullshit that relies on archaic theories that have been disproven by so many studies that even the weightloss industry can’t shut them all up.
I KNOW. This part especially:
“Ms. Liebman was surprised to find that combined consumption of beef and pork is still higher than that of chicken and fish. Although chicken itself is now slightly more popular than beef, our consumption of fish has remained relatively flat.”
OH REALLY? That wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that beef (particularly hamburger) is cheap and heavily subsidized by our government, and fish is expensive, and most Americans are poor and/or getting poorer, now would it?
Fish is also:
1) super gross
2) terrifying to cook
3) full of mercury
I will happily go to Greek Town and eat Greek swordfish shish kebabs until the sky falls (if I could afford it) but other than that? Fish tastes gross and has a gross texture to people who didn’t grow up eating it, which is most people. Plus it’s expensive. Plus, unless you’re doing frozen breaded filets or fish sticks or something it will dry out immediately/burn/etc. Oh yeah, lemme drop mad cash on an animal that tastes weird, is full of poison, and is hard to cook. LET ME GET RIGHT ON THAT.
Also fish has a MUCH shorter shelf life than beef or chicken.
When I just check to see if anyone had replied to this, and saw there were two responses, I braced myself for the worst. The depth of my pleasant surprise to see two comments agreeing with me is simply unfathomable. Toasties are pretty much the best.
Yeah. I really do consider fish to be a fancy food. I’m really comfortable in a kitchen and can cook or bake about anything. I can roast a turkey (or a chicken) perfectly, make soup from scratch, make my own bread/cake/muffins/cookies/whatever. I’ve made candy. Even if I’ve never cooked an item before, I’m comfortable reading a recipe and jumping right in. Except for fish.
I do not have a fish spatula. You know that fish, delicate fish, requires a special spatula or it’s more likely to fall apart, right? Unless, again, you’re going the fish stick route. How many people have a fish spatula? I cook constantly and I don’t have one and the kitchen I grew up in (my mom worked as a professional cook for decades) didn’t have one, either.
Our household rarely eats fish other than tuna salad (with minced celery and onion and finely grated parmesan and lemon pepper and olive oil mayo and sweet pickle relish) or something from the frozen section. Fish! Who cares!
“Shares dessert with minimal resentment – mostly”
I’m…not there yet.
Me neither, friend. Me neither. Dessert is serious business.
Seriously who the fuck shares dessert
IDK how related this is but why is Snackwell’s back all of a sudden? I remember seeing them everywhere when I was a kid, and then they went away, and now they are BACK. What happened??
UGH WHAT Snackwells are BACK? I wrote a thing about them a couple of months ago ex: God, for the first time in over 15 years I can almost taste them – their waxy aborted chocolate shell around an arid brown disc and its corona of sugar-paste – it is difficult, here, not to go totally Lovecraftian, a corpse-white, sick-sweet viscidity pressing its ancient fat-free evil upon a sere wafer. Devil’s Food, indeed! And, holy shit, I never want to put a SnackWell into my mouth again. while operating under the impression that they were GONE FOREVER.
NOT DEAD BUT DREAMING SNACKWELLS WILL RISE UP AGAIN! WILL RISE GUMMILY OUT OF THE FETID ABYSS R’LYEH FTAGHN!
I dunno, but they’re in the vending machine at my office and I hate it because just seeing the package is giving me weird taste flashbacks.
Arrrggh Snackwells are the mark of the Beast.
My son, when but a small child, asked why the school’s cookies tasted nothing like my cookies. They’re doing it wrong, I told him. He knows how to make his own excellent cookies now. One small step for a man…
yes yes! And Anthropologie's sale section almost always has adorable cloth napkins!