Thirteen Ways of Pitching to The Toast

by Cleolinda Jones · October 10, 2013

kitten-black-and-white-1424296-m

Important background reading. Also, this.

1.

Hello, my name is Cleo and I am in hopes that you are having a good day? I am seeing your article about women apologizing for not knowing how to pitch but pitching anyway and possibly for existing? Because I have followed you from The Hairpin to The Toast and The Twitter and The Tumblr? I too am sorry for not knowing, and for existing, and for ending all the sentences with a question mark? oh God my grammars, words are dribbling out of my brain somebody help me

2.

This is an important email to you. It will be surprising for you to receive this proposal from me since you do not know me personally. I would like to insinuate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. I will introduce myself I am Cleolinda Jones a banker banking in a bank in Vanuatu. In 2013, the subject matter: I have a portfolio of 7.14 million $United States ideas, which I wish to liquidate.

3.

Mallory says we are never wasting her time, we are never bothering her! Mallory says that to her we are perfect! Technically that was said on a picture IN the text, not BY the text, and pictures are tricksy, Preciousss. But to include an image in the text is to signal that the meaning conveyed by the image is now part of the text, and–Tricksy! Wicked! LIIIIESSSSS. Mallory says we are worth hearing from! Mallory is our friend! She doesn’t even know you, Precious! NOBODY LIKES YOU.

4.

HOT XXX EMAIL PITCHES – MALLORY AND NICOLE ONLY – READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

5.

Please find enclosed my apologies for not knowing whether to address y’all as “Mallory and Nicole,” or “Ms. Ortberg and Ms. Cliffe,” or “Ms. Cliffe and Ms. Ortberg,” or “The Ladies of Toast,” or perhaps “The Toastesses” (no, that is terrible) (forget I said it) (oh God, leave me under this desk to die) and whether the word y’all is acceptable in a professional context.

6.

“My Eggs and Menstrual Blood”

Eggs
all-ready I have,
have lost,
broken like his
big-city vampire
sucking soul

–shit. SHIT.

7.

LADY LAZARUS: REANIMATOR

A sort of walking miracle, my gait
a shambles, a shriek of flesh,
Do I terrify?–

Sere-clothed, bare-boned, I feel
like hell.
I am only fifty

years dead.
The grave cave ate my
BRAAAAINNNNNSSSSS

8.

Please find enclosed “Bipolar: A Memoir for Two Voices.”

9.

Shall I draft my email now? Do I dare to send a pitch?
I shall wear mismatched pajamas, and seek my niche.
I have heard the editors singing, witch to pocket witch.

I do not think that they will accept my pitch.

10.

Please find enclosed a list of Names to Summon the Garage Band Deep Inside Your Soul, including but not limited to “The Foxgloves,” “Joan Jett’s Leather Jacket,” “Broken Pony,” “Tyger Tyger,” “SUBTWEET,” “Generic Sexy,” and “Trixie Wicked.”

11.

She rode over The Toast
In a chrome browser.
Once, a fear pierced her,
In that she mistook
A moment’s finger-slip
For a sent email.

I was of two minds
Like a pitch
In which there are apologies.

12.

[all of this as the body of an email: a body of trembling, kitten-eyed]

13.

Your message has been discarded. Undo discard?

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Cleolinda Jones

Cleolinda Jones

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74 Comments

    1. Ashley +6

      Also, now curious how many people were forced to write a “Thirteen Ways” in school/college/whatever? I had to do one and I chose to write it about cactuses.

      2. Gryph +9

        Me. This is a thing I had to do. I wrote Thirteen Ways of Looking at Hugh Grant, because my roommates had a marathon and I was desperate.

          1. Gryph +4

            Bad news. I am TOO OLD for it to be gifs. It was the 90s. no one knew what a meme was. They were dark days. We watched those movies on VHS and were glad to get it.

    2. irmaveplives +4

      WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT. MLLEIRMAVEP??? I AM OBSESSED WITH IRMA VEP (SEE MY PROFILE PICTURE, WHICH I BELIEVE IS IDENTICAL TO YOURS). LET US BE BFFS

      1. Ashley +4

        OH GOSH OKAY LET’S!! Wanna see a picture of when I dressed up as Irma Vep for Halloween a couple years ago????

  6. spectralbovine +87

    Thirteen Ways of Pitching to the Toast in Fifteen Minutes

    The Toast

    [Cleolinda Jones, recapper extraordinaire and all-around Internet darling, sashays into the room. She sashays because she owns the joint and they don’t even know it yet.]

    CLEO: I hear you like pitches.

    THE TOAST: Try again.

    CLEO: I’m sorry to hear you like pitches.

    TOASTESSES: That’s better.

    CLEO: I’m going to pitch about pitches.

    LADY TOAST: A metapitch, if you will.

    CLEO: I’ve got five pitches for this pitch ready to go.

    TOASTY MCTOAST: We’re going to need at least six, maybe thirteen.

    CLEO: I’m on it!

    Somewhere in Alabama

    [Montage! Cleo types furiously on a typewriter, then a keyboard, then an iPad, then her iPad falls into the ocean and she begins writing in the sand, she pulls out some chalk and draws symbols on the sidewalk, and finally she stuffs a large stack of papers into a comically large envelope and places the envelope in a mailbox. This is all set to The Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” except the word “bitch” is replaced by the word “pitch” badly dubbed by Morgan Freeman.]

    The Internet

    CLEO: I wrote this.

    THE INTERNET: You win.

    [Credits roll, maybe Nick Fury shows up, you never know with these things.]

    1. cleolinda +62

      Undeserved compliments aside, the truth is that this actually was the entire body of the email I sent. Just this, with “Thirteen Ways” etc. as the subject line.

    1. baudolina +13

      By which I meant, Cleolinda, I remember laughing till I cried reading your movie recaps back in the day (>7 years ago or so?) and you have resurfaced and that is quite frankly faaaaabulous.

      1. cleolinda +16

        Aw, thank you! I am still around! Mostly I wander around and do things on random whims (see above). I think the last movie thing I did was The Avengers. Sometimes Recapping TV seems to be my thing this year.

    1. hurdyburdy +29

      My pitch contained the sentence: “So I guess what I’m saying is, you brought this on yourselves.” This was apparently acceptable.

  11. madgehowlet +17

    This counts as clicking through on poetry, right? Because I’m sticking with that vow and also this was great.

  12. kimberlyraye20 +28

    And Mallory said that an effective guide couldn’t be written. CLEARLY SHE WAS WRONG about that, but oh so right for publishing this by the fabulous Ms. Jones.

    N.B. I am an infrequent commenter on The Toast because most of my initial and also penultimate comments are “Ooooooo wheeeeee, that was awesome and everything I was missing in my intellectual internet life.” but that doesn’t add all that much to the conversation except for abject adoration.

  13. phlippin +42

    I have heard the editors singing, witch to pocket witch.

    This line slays me with its perfection.

  14. anxious_mofo +28

    Going to pitch a post entitled “Twelve Times I Didn’t Pitch to the Toast and One Time I Did.”

    1. Janie_S +17

      “The Five Toast Submission Emails that have been Languishing in my Drafts folder, in Chronological Order”

  16. in the concert room +10

    OH MY GOD i never knew that cleo and the toast (cleo on toast?) was a thing i required but it seems so obvious now that i can’t believe it never occurred to me. the fifteen minutes recaps were so instrumental in forming my baby self’s sense of humour, i cannot even tell you

  19. TiaBaheri +16

    Hi, um, this was fantastic but I really didn’t get an answer to the most important question? I’m so so sorry to bother you but I just didn’t get how many times I should apologize? For existing? The apology to normal speech ratio? Again, sorry for asking. Just wondering.

    (But seriously, I haven’t stopped laughing. I keep showing this to non-Toast people and they just don’t get it.)

  24. lyetteann +12

    I shall wear mismatched pajamas, and seek my niche

    Well, that hits a bit too close to home! Have you been hiding in my bushes again?

  25. mkpatter +32

    I’m gonna send them a pitch that says “SORRY” in the subject line, and then is just like, “JUST KIDDING FUCKERS I’M AWESOME.”

  26. anachronistique +13

    a) This made me laugh out loud in Panera multiple times.

    b) CAN WE KEEP CLEO ON THE TOAST FOREVER PLEASE

    c) It’s a sad but true fact that one of the reasons I haven’t pitched yet is not being able to decide whether I would want the piece credited to my real name or not.

    1. Minx_Whatmore +4

      I also have problem (c) and also not knowing how to pitch (dammit it seems like there is some other article on this I missed? somebody help meee please I have been distracted from my day’s actual purpose ie reading the toast by too much work) and also worrying that I really need to blog more before I pitch.

      gahhh

      1. cleolinda +15

        I don’t have the first clue how to pitch, other than sending an actual meta-piece about pitching, zero preamble, exactly as you just saw it. And then after we started talking about it, I was like, “Wait, I could actually write that bipolar thing I just made up. ~PITCHCEPTION.~” I so rarely come up with actual, writeable ideas that when one showed up, I had some shining moment of feeling like I knew what I was doing, so I did it. I’ve also started wondering if maybe no one really knows what they’re doing at all, so just go with that, why not.

        (Thank you!)

  27. icebergmama +4

    This was great! I couldn’t get on the site all yesterday afternoon for some reason, so sorry I’m late to the party!

      1. NicoleCliffe +6

        It totally was! I had to speak very very sternly to our hosting company. It was a bunch of different sites that went down.

  28. victorytasteslikehashbrowns +8

    My grammars this was good!

    Ps Im going to start many more sentences with ‘oh god my grammars!’

  31. MlleIrmaVep

    OH GOSH OKAY LET'S!! Wanna see a picture of when I dressed up as Irma Vep for Halloween a couple years ago????