The university I’m attending seems to think that handing out rape whistles is the best solution to stopping a string of unsolved sexual assaults that have been taking place on campus all semester. Perhaps they are trying this new tactic because the administrative emails telling us to be very, very afraid, not to go out alone at night, and to be more careful (uh-huh) seem to not be working to stop a real-life rapist from preying on women in a methodical and calculated way (whodathunkit?).
I can’t find any evidence that rape whistles do shit, and I certainly can’t get excited about an anti-rape method premised on the idea that rape happens, but maybe if you’re lucky, some hero will come and rescue you.
But it’s pink. For the ladies. So that’s exciting. Am I right or am I right?
An official university email cautions s that “now is not the time to give into anxiety” because ladies = hysteria, presumably. So, instead of giving into my feminine urges, I came up with a list of a few things we could do with our pink rape whistles, as I do not for one minute think mine will be keeping me safe from being raped on campus.
1. Lead a cheer squad (Two-four-six-eight, whistles do not address rape! Pink whistles make us see red, can’t we address rape culture instead?)
2. Whistle loudly to attract a pack of small, fashionable dogs with jewel-encrusted collars who can protect you on campus .
3. Diddle your clit.
4. Perform a party trick whereby one blows the whistle with the wind from one’s own farts.
5. Bedazzle the shit out of that thing for a whistle-themed fashion show (in the style of “sexualize breast cancer” campaigns).
6. Coordinate all outfits and nail polish going forward, as any pink-minded individual would. Rape on campus is not just going to go away with a few toots on a whistle, so this is the new approach to ending sexual assault we will be wearing our whistles forever.
7. Master the whistle as a new instrument and attract a protector/spouse through your skillful playing. Like the use of the pianoforte in a Jane Austen novel.
8. Ask oneself how a rape whistle is supposed to do anything in the case of all of the other kinds of sexual assault that happen on campus all of the time that don’t include a stranger at night in the bushes. No, wait. Look at the pretty pink colour and think about that instead.
9. Blow the whistle so hard that you are transported to an alternate universe where women are not expected to be solely responsible for not getting raped, and instead, men are expected to not be rapists.
10. Blow your whistle until you pass out and bump your head hard enough to take the rest of the semester off.
[Image via Can You Relate]