Things You Can Do With Your Shiny New Pink Rape Whistle

by Jessie-Lane Metz · December 9, 2013

pink rape whistleThe university I’m attending seems to think that handing out rape whistles is the best solution to stopping a string of unsolved sexual assaults that have been taking place on campus all semester. Perhaps they are trying this new tactic because the administrative emails telling us to be very, very afraid, not to go out alone at night, and to be more careful (uh-huh) seem to not be working to stop a real-life rapist from preying on women in a methodical and calculated way (whodathunkit?).

I can’t find any evidence that rape whistles do shit, and I certainly can’t get excited about an anti-rape method premised on the idea that rape happens, but maybe if you’re lucky, some hero will come and rescue you.

But it’s pink. For the ladies. So that’s exciting. Am I right or am I right?

An official university email cautions s that “now is not the time to give into anxiety” because ladies = hysteria, presumably. So, instead of giving into my feminine urges, I came up with a list of a few things we could do with our pink rape whistles, as I do not for one minute think mine will be keeping me safe from being raped on campus.

1. Lead a cheer squad (Two-four-six-eight, whistles do not address rape! Pink whistles make us see red, can’t we address rape culture instead?)

2. Whistle loudly to attract a pack of small, fashionable dogs with jewel-encrusted collars who can protect you on campus .

3. Diddle your clit.

4. Perform a party trick whereby one blows the whistle with the wind from one’s own farts.

5. Bedazzle the shit out of that thing for a whistle-themed fashion show (in the style of “sexualize breast cancer” campaigns).

6. Coordinate all outfits and nail polish going forward, as any pink-minded individual would. Rape on campus is not just going to go away with a few toots on a whistle, so this is the new approach to ending sexual assault we will be wearing our whistles forever.

7. Master the whistle as a new instrument and attract a protector/spouse through your skillful playing. Like the use of the pianoforte in a Jane Austen novel.

8. Ask oneself how a rape whistle is supposed to do anything in the case of all of the other kinds of sexual assault that happen on campus all of the time that don’t include a stranger at night in the bushes. No, wait. Look at the pretty pink colour and think about that instead.

9. Blow the whistle so hard that you are transported to an alternate universe where women are not expected to be solely responsible for not getting raped, and instead, men are expected to not be rapists.

10. Blow your whistle until you pass out and bump your head hard enough to take the rest of the semester off.

Suggestions, anyone?

[Image via Can You Relate]


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55 Comments

      1. stuffisthings +34

        To be fair all I really remember is well-groomed men in tight, crisp shorts and a lot singing.

  3. Linette +78

    Here’s the thing: I’m pretty sure I’ve never met a guy who knew what a rape whistle was. Relying on one to come running to the rescue when he hears it doesn’t seem realistic.

    2. Sea_Money +27

      Were you never forced to read Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak? Its the Woman’s Field Hockey team who is going to save you.

      1. bgprincipessa +7

        That BOOK. I listened to it on audio in my car, because I was told it was good? pretty sure I made some terrible faces while sitting in traffic, but that’s probably not too weird for most people stuck in traffic.

  5. stuffisthings +52

    And everyone thought MY idea about handing out Fraud Whistles at all the major banks was “stupid” back in 2006…

  6. super_novice +64

    “If you will please wait just a moment, sir, I have a whistle in my backpack that will summon the packs of heros/soccer referees that report whenever a whistle is heard.”

    1. elsamac +52

      Well, exactly. Because we can’t allow time to fumble for the rape whistle, we’re expected to wear them on lanyards around our necks at all times, which has the added effect of reminding the entire female population – in case any of us forgot for a split second! – that rape is a dim but ever-present threat.

      Fuck this bullshit.

    2. elsamac +35

      [Sorry, I was so full of WHISTLE RAGE that I completely skipped the dreamlike image of a horde of referees sprinting to the rescue from all directions.]

  8. EPWordsnatcher +28

    Big fan of the palpable rage, not a fan of universities doing stupid shit like this. (Mine gave us the usual “here are the rape statistics, don’t go out by yourself at night, walk confidently and you won’t get raped, etc.” nonsense, but no whistles. The guys did get taken to a separate room for their talk while we got that load of bullshit, but I never figured out what they were told there.)

    1. shahea +44

      Presumably, “Don’t sweat it guys, we’re not going to infringe on your constitutional right to have entirely too much alcohol at parties without any supervision. Y’all can still prey upon women of your acquaintance without fear of any repurcussions, even if she DOES blow the rape whistle. All it actually summons is an Oompa-Loompa.”

      1. EPWordsnatcher +20

        Having just done our annual sexual harassment training at work, I’m sensing a pattern here.

    2. Sugar&Snails +13

      In a similar situation I was in once, the women ended up having an in-depth discussion about victim-blaming, what our responsibilities were in terms of monitoring and intervening in other people’s behavior, and how to create an environment prioritizing consent while also allowing for fun drinking, naked shenanigans, and so on.

      The men were shown a music video, told it was sexist and objectifying, and then sent forth to go about their manly business.

  9. anninyn +30

    Gotta love that wishy-washy ‘we’re-not-gonna-do-anything-but-here’s-some-cheap-plastic-so-it-looks-like-we’re-doing-something’ bullshit they’ve got going on.

    1. super_novice +32

      Lots of e-mails, too. Don’t forget about the e-mails. Very useful. Safety first, you know.

      1. icebergmama +42

        “…So you see, you won’t be able to rape me now as I’ve done everything the emails said.”

        ughhhhhhhhhhhh let’s just burn it all down.

        1. super_novice +56

          “You can’t rape me! I’ve only had one glass of wine! And do you see how confident my walk is?”

  10. elsamac +88

    Create a piece of installation art in a high-profile spot on campus. Set up a BIG empty glass box with label text in impossible-to-miss lettering stating that the artist will add one rape whistle to the display for each documented case of attempted rape thwarted by a fuckin’ whistle.

    I predict the case will remain empty. It will be a magnificent statement.

  11. hurdyburdy +49

    I’m going to guess that it’s cheaper to buy several hundred pink whistles than to hire additional detectives to investigate and identify the rapist.

  12. Pissedbyuni +29

    If they REALLY cared, they’d hand out canisters of mace. Pink of course. How else will you know it’s for the girls?

  13. dakimel +26

    And if the guys knew what rape whistles were, what odds do you give that a statistically significant number of them change their cell phone ring tones to a whistle blast?

    And how many of them will assign that tone to the women they’re dating?

  14. honestlythor +21

    The university I attended is not perfect by any means, but at the very least I was lucky enough to be presented with an actually decent program called Sex Signals, which was originally developed for the military. It makes a very clear distinction in favor of the “Don’t rape!” instead of “Don’t get raped!” and it makes mention of same-sex relationships, and it’s presented by some very committed folks with research backing. I bet the women got handed whistles, too, but it seems to me like this is a step in the right direction.

    1. deleted9457019 +2

      “Target number of guests = 20+”

      Argh this math does not make sense! But otherwise, I am a fan of civilian use of non-lethal weapons.

  19. bustedsneakers +5

    Huh. I legit thought those were for ravers when they were handing ’em out at my school, because pea whistles are fucking useless and no-one but a raver would wear that shit voluntarily.

    …. We do take Fox-40s canoeing, though, because: loud, always leave a note, fwee-fwee-fwee-FWEEE-FWEEE-FWEEE-fwee-fwee-we’re gonna die alone in the woods of a bear.

    1. phlippin +3

      Ahh, as a former lifeguard, I will always have a soft spot for a good Fox-40. They may not stop rape, but they’re pretty good at stopping pool shenanigans.

  20. noodge4lyfe +7

    “3. Diddle your clit.”

    AAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAA

    (brb, need to clean the coffee off my computer)

    (no really, I think I’m going to try to find as many ways to fit “clit diddling” into my day to day conversations from now on)

  21. Frumiosa +40

    11. Distribute them to men on campus with instructions to blow their whistle every time they feel like they might rape someone.

  22. deitybox

    11. Distribute them to men on campus with instructions to blow their whistle every time they feel like they might rape someone.

  23. deleted2997279 +4

    At the activity and info fairs my campus police usually had a bucket of rape whistles, and I took them because they had the plastic springy bracelet thing on them (http://diannefaw.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/img_0072.jpg) and now I can carry my keys on my wrist when I’m trying to get into my apartment complex with fifty million target bags.

    Thanks for the convenience, campus PD.

  25. Arin Arcady

    "Target number of guests = 20+"

    Argh this math does not make sense! But otherwise, I am a fan of civilian use of non-lethal weapons.

      1. Mel +3

        I go to UBC as well, scary shit! Wrote my term paper on the inadequacy of UBC’s response to the assaults, ugh.