Seven Things You Won’t Believe Obama Said During The State of the Union Last Night

by Mallory Ortberg · January 28, 2014
  • Encouraged children to murder their parents in order to collect the insurance as an alternative to enrolling in health care
  • Blamed House Republicans for the fact that “The Wonder Years” has never been released on DVD
  • Mumbled “losersayswhat” every time the Speaker of the House attempted to say something, then denied saying anything
  • Drank a fluid pint of motor oil in 30 seconds as a protest of the Clean Energy Bill
  • Called the latest season of Sherlock “only okay”
  • “Swing your partner round and round,” in an apparently unsuccessful attempt to get a swing dance going
  • Hinted darkly that Pete Seeger’s death was “no accident” during the playing of the National Anthem

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


34 Comments

  1. cuminafterall +49

    MALLORY you need to put an NSFW warning on this

    I laughed so hard my boss came over & asked me to keep it down

  3. lucywoodhull +54

    I’d prefer if he weren’t so mamby-pamby — just encourage children to murder their parents without all the special-interest caveats of the insurance industry!

      1. spectralbovine +11

        (I kinda sorta agree with him too.)

        (For my comment I was cosplaying as a Sherlock fanboy.)

  5. cosmia +27

    IS IT ONLY OKAY THOUGH I FEEL LIKE IT MIGHT BE

    Nothing will ever live up to Obama’s beloved BSG

    1. cuminafterall +40

      He’s looking at Ruth Bader Ginsburg, like, “I see you in that fancy collar.” It was a really cool collar!

        1. cuminafterall +11

          I don’t know for sure, but the Justices usually sit close to the front in the general area where he’s pointing.

          Maybe he’s got some kind of inside joke with Sonia Sotomayor?

          2. ipomoea +4

            Sotomayor wasn’t there! They were talking about her not being there on Al-Jazeera last night, and Scalia hasn’t attended one since 1997 because he thinks they’re “childish spectacle[s]”. Also Alito and Thomas weren’t there.

          3. Swim_Upstream +5

            Sotomayor was hanging out at my law school that day, actually. *dusts off shoulder with sly impertinence*

  8. Samk12345 +83

    He also debunked the Ron-is-Dumbledore theory but conservatives did not back down based on the fact that Obama was not able to show us a longform birth certificate

        1. Laconic +13

          He’s the only candidate that will return us to the transmuted gold standard and audit the ministry of magic!

  10. queenofbithynia +11

    he really did say Mad Men is a bad show for bad people though. for that alone I vote third term.