Hey there! I saw the door cracked open and I thought I’d drop in and say hi.

“Hi,” ha ha.

Okay technically the door has a crack, between it and the floor. But you know me. I’m just so social!

Gosh, what a nice place. So many windows, and air vents, and spaces where your feet can feel a draft for no reason. I’m surprised you’ve always tried to keep me out of here.

Oh, you go ahead and eat the last of that Christmas candy. I wouldn’t take that away from you. Time’s passage already took away the holiday and its distraction from Seasonal Affective Disorder. So don’t let me gobble up your last foil-wrapped ChocoSanta.

By the way, Jan showed me that Instagram of you all bundled up outside. Hashtag #PolarVortex is right! Ha ha ha.

Good thing that first vortex prepared you for the next several vortices of this year. By the way, can I run some ideas I had for #3 by you? Two words: “ice glisters.” Jan wasn’t into it but I was like “hey, you do your life-threatening weather pattern your way, and I’ll do mine.”

Oh and not to gossip, but March? (You remember March, right?) March has been such a copycat lately. She really needs to get her own personality and do her own thing but every time I see her it’s February this, February that, February’s climate for 31 more days.

Now I hope you’re not putting that coat of yours on because of me. It is such a nice coat, though. I’d wear it indoors myself. So bulky. So warming. So sturdy. Not like how your radiator will be come Me the 4th. Ha ha ha. Just sayin’.

By the way how do you like this shade of gray? I picked it out from Pantone, thought it grayed grayly. Don’t worry, I’m not just testing it out in your living space. I’m giving it a trial run across Gary, Indiana’s sky right now. It’s going over like a lead balloon, but they’ll get used to it. Everyone does.

Come to think of it, “lead balloon” would be the perfect name for this gray.

Nuts, am I tracking rock salt all over your carpet? Gah! I am such a slob. I’m acting like a regular You After Five Months Of Winter Once You No Longer Have The Strength To Fight It.

Anyhoo I’m sure I’ll see you in a few weeks! I’m just so glad we could catch up. Because sometimes people forget about me. Forget that I’m waiting. Waiting to grip them in my gauntlet of ice and decay, like a Lich King unraidable.

Ha ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh and say hi to your New Year’s Resolution for me. Ha ha ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.