1. Radiant floor heating.
2. Someone to draw me a cartoon of a cat reading a book called Weird Places You Could Sleep with a really serious expression.
3. The dark-blue chenille sweater I owned in seventh grade.
4. A four-hour combined director’s cut of American Hustle and Silver Linings Playbook that is only dancing and zero making me feel bad for Jeremy Renner.
5. The person who wrote this fanfic is to come back and finish it after writing another 178,992 words.
6. We wake up and discover we either have no pubes or we all have tons of pubes and we never discuss it or write about it and just move forward with our lives.
7. Many meat pies.
8. For all sausages to be the correct kind of sausages: the pig part of a pig-in-a-blanket.
9. The ability to sleep while sitting up on a plane.
10. The ability to sleep on my back.
11. Prettier feet.
12. Everyone is completely sedated in order to take any flight longer than one hour, like in “The Jaunt.”
13. The ability to smoke one cigarette every day without becoming addicted or suffering any adverse health consequences.
14. For Key and Peele to host the Oscars.
15. A spigot that produces ice-cold un-caffeinated Coke Zero with two lime wedges at three in the morning when you wake up thirsty, but that would not require you to then brush your teeth.
16. The immediate perfection of speech-to-text technology.
17. For my mind palace to incorporate all the things other people already know about using WordPress more effectively.
18. I can see Magic Eye puzzles for the first time.
19. To look good in blazers.
20. For my bedroom to be sixty-three degrees twelve months of the year, which is the ideal two-quilt temperature.
21. A reality show about the relationship between Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti.
22. For the relationship between Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti to be confirmed or to simply become canon.
23. The ability to draw freehand circles.
24. Everyone loves me and finds me charming instead of deeply annoying and cloying.
25. To be able to cancel any and all things online without needing to speak to a representative.
26. The immediate passage of legislation to force sock manufacturers to create only one style and colour of socks which we will all wear.
27. The immediate passage of legislation to force remote control manufacturers into standardizing the manner in which your television and the televisions of everyone you know are to be operated.
28. Permanent removal of the six black hairs on my chin.
29. The oil painting of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy that appears in the 1995 BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice.
30. My parents are the first humans to never suffer the ravages of old age and death.
31. For Zumba classes to offer remedial catch-up tutoring for people of Irish descent.
32. The renewal of The Thick Of It.
33. Written apologies from everyone who was a bitch to me in seventh grade.
34. Benedict Cumberbatch reads The Guardian to me cover-to-cover every morning, and the funnier parts of The Daily Telegraph.
35. Google Glass, but they look exactly like normal Ray-Bans and no one else gets one.
36. A reboot of The Duchess of Duke Street which is way better than Downton Abbey and those of us who watched the original are heralded as geniuses.
37. Parseltongue, but for huskies and German Shepherds.
38. For Sean Bean to come back to Game of Thrones. You figure it out.
39. Bathrobes that are both warm AND flattering.
40. We all wear hoopskirts for a week.
41. The perfection of dry shampoo technology.
42. The sequel to Pitch Perfect to be in no way disappointing.
43. Cheekbones.
44. A better interface for Google Hangouts.
45. Never to have a period again.
46. I solve the Zodiac murders without having to talk to anyone on the phone.
47. All the things I’ve been meaning to get framed someday, framed.
48. The Toast never experiences a significant backlash and is universally believed to be the best website ever made.
49. A quilting circle composed of wise women who will teach me how to quilt and also about life.
50. A library with a ladder.
51. To have the same number of Twitter followers as Mallory.
52. All software updates and subsequent computer restarts to be completed seamlessly while I sleep.
53. A single dose of pure MDMA while Daniel Craig goes down on me with the complete and enthusiastic consent of my partner.
54. Afterwards, to never feel any particular urge to try MDMA again.
55. The American League gets rid of the designated hitter.
56. More prominent deltoid muscle.
57. Immortality for Joni Mitchell.
58. To become a prominent and well-respected cryptozoologist.
59. To become a prominent and well-respected profiler of serial killers.
60. I get to pick all the TV pilots.
61. Mary Roach is to write a book about me.
62. The ability to defecate in the place of my choosing once a day and at no other time.
63. I learn how to make my own GIFs.
64. Cobie Smulders and I bust Tilikum out of SeaWorld together and then we become workout buddies.
65. Manhattan
66. Berlin
Tags: demands, dreams, non-negotiables
Perfectly reasonable, one and all.
Do you, Cobie Smulders, and Tilikum then become a crime-fighting super-trio? Because I can get behind that 110%, especially if you can promise that you two ride him with his consent and he does not drag you to death by your luxurious ponytails.
My list? I just want world peace so I’m just going to feel very smug about that while reading this list.
25! 25 should be in existence already, this is the 21st century, damnit.
Can I sign my parents up to be the second set to experience #30? I’m pretty positive that upon the death of my mother and father I will dry up entirely and fall to pieces like a Skeksis on their deathbed.
I also wholeheartedly support #57.
My own demands are currently very simple:
– to be able to do my job with zero interruption, zero stupid questions, and zero having to actually speak to another human being face to face
– one day a week, shoved either in front of or behind Wednesday, that remains 100% free of obligation and responsibility and exists specifically to give people some time to wind down and do whatever the hell they want without having to go to work or deal with life’s pressures or other human beings
– a dog. I want a dog.
I enthusiastically second every word of this comment. Especially a fan of Twendsay/Wursday (we will need to develop better words.)
I like Twensday! Wursday makes me think there should be beer and brats. Wurstday. Yum.
…now I’m hungry.
National beer and brats on pretzel buns day. I am in favor. (This would possibly save the economy, you know this, right? The mustard industry alone…)
HOW GOOD ARE PRETZEL BUNS? WHY ARE THEY THE BEST BREAD IN THE WORLD?
Why do I not go to Costco every fourth day to buy another bag of pretzel rolls that I can devour over the next 3.5 days? (I give myself a half-day off to build anticipation.)
I discovered kosher dill relish at the grocery store yesterday and am now waiting very impatiently for brat season to be upon us.
Jesus I’m hungry.
Twensday, but with the beer+brats benefits of Wurstday.
“- to be able to do my job with zero interruption, zero stupid questions, and zero having to actually speak to another human being face to face”
I’ve been working from home sinc July with a back injury so I can’t travel into the office, and the lack of human interaction has been lovely. I’ve got to start going back to the office in April and I am very much not looking forward to it. I still have to field stupid questions, but at least by email I can do a few rude cathartic drafts before actually replying. I swear if I were half as bad at my job as most of the people I deal with, I’d have been rightly fired long ago.
…it is entirely possible that I have not had enough time alone in the last few months and the part of my brain that houses my introvert tendencies has gotten inflamed and especially irritable and is now threatening mutiny. I’m not usually this much of a misanthrope.
Currently mine are nearly all clothes related.
– the black velvet dress I wore when I was 17, remade to my current size
– The military style dress I had when I was 13, remade to fit
– the knee high black buckle boots I had between 17-19 (you are missed and why is nowhere making you right now)
But ALSO
– for my shoulde to stop periodically getting inexplicably tense and making my whole arm tingly and my wrist ache
I can’t help with any of those things except 4 by never discussing my pubes/lack of pubes, which I was never going to do anyway.
Swap Daniel Craig for Kristen Stewart, and this speaks to me on a deep spiritual level.
A 27 hour day, but for me and me alone. I will take the extra three hours between midnight and 3am please.
This is brilliant. All that really stands between us and the overthrow of the rest of the world is three extra hours of sleep a night.
I want the Circadian meditation Irina Derevko does in Alias to get 6 hrs of sleep off of 30 minutes of meditation
Oh, I forgot about that. Let’s form a cult! Let’s FORCE Lena Olin to be our leader, which, let’s face it, she’s bound to lead a cult someday just because she’s so majestic, why not have it be OUR cult?
I’m convinced those Magic Eye puzzles are a huge con/conspiracy, and all those that say they can see things in them are in on it. .
My childhood eye doctor always had Magic Eye puzzles in the waiting room, and I’m beginning to think the eye strain needed to decipher them caused little kids like me to have horrible eye sight.
Back in the middle nineties, there was a series of Choose Your Own Adventure ripoffs with a Magic Eye (excuse me, AUTOSTEREOGRAM) gimmick. Every half dozen choices your character would peer into the shadows of the haunted castle, or the murk of a thousand fathom grotto, and see…
Apparently they’d see something like the black and white fractal mist inkjetted on the facing page. FACT: no one is capable of resolving a Magic Eye image in black and white. ALSO FACT: no one is capable of resolving a Magic Eye image without the parallactic assistance of their own reflection floating in the picture. (It helps focus the eyes at the proper depth. That’s why the original pictures tended to be framed under glass, or printed on high gloss stock. That’s why the originals were not squirted out on Scholastic Press’s third-best irregular grain newsprint.)
After convincing yourself that you’d seen something (a process generally requiring not less than half an hour of autobrowbeating), you returned to the left-hand page to make a choice based on your delusion. Did you think you saw the long-sought Chalice of Zandar floating in the muddled dark? Did you really? Then you should REACH OUT YOUR HAND TO IT. Turn to page 36!
{flip}{flip}
Oh shit! That was no chalice, you idiot! It wasn’t a chalice at all! It was a troll, and now he’s torn off your hand like a postage stamp! Games is over.
[Postscript: a quick fact-checking search on Amazon doesn’t turn up any sign of these books at all.
Good.]
Once I learned how to see these puzzles, it shifted something in my brain. Ever after, I’ll see text, say, red letters on black, and the letters will appear to be floating above the background. I’m-pleased?
oh, 24. 24.
I demand that all my current and any future medical practitioners never, ever, ever, ever again use the jelly doughnut metaphor about ruptured discs. The metaphor is genuinely worse than the pain and the pain is pretty bad. Please, compare my spinal situation to an overfilled brioche, to an improperly made eclair, to a squeezed water balloon, to stepping on a tube of toothpaste, to anything else in the world that is not a jelly doughnut. I don’t care if that is what your med school/nursing school/physical therapy school textbook told you that people could most readily understand and picture, based on a lot of empirical research into their breakfast habits. I don’t want to picture it. Stop it. I demand you stop it.
Not ever having a period is my favorite part of having implanon! Hooray not menstruating!!! I have accomplished 1/33 of Nicole’s demands (I never talk about pubes).
You just did now! Very “don’t think of an elephant,” really.
Oh! My demand #1: Implanon becomes available in Canada.
I used to see the Magic Eye puzzles and now I can’t! I’m afraid it’s a thing like not hearing the sleigh bell in “The Polar Express.”
I could never see them. I think it’s astigmatism-related.
I have astigmatism and I can see them. I always thought it was related to how far apart your eyes are, similar to red/blue 3D glasses not working on some people due to how far apart their eyes are.
Sincere apologies, in writing, from all the guys who have ever been assholes towards Anita Sarkeesian, Kathy Sierra, and other women on the internet and also generally made online geek culture a shit place to be. Then they must sit in the corner and think about what they’ve done for a while.
Also, a new, non-crap Star Trek TV series plz.
I wholeheartedly second the demand for sincere apologies and time outs for every last gatekeeping sexist nerd culture-ruining jerk man. I propose that “a while” comes out to a good decade, at least.
That sounds fair. Particularly when I already scaled back my demands from “The power to set those fuckers on fire WITH MY MIND.”
1) Wonderful.
2) I really want a follow-up to Voyager starring now-Kate Mulgrew. (I haven’t finished Voyager all the way yet so shhhhh if this is not possible.) Seriously, how great would that be.
Rebooted Voyager. Done correctly this time with a more BSG-style sense of dread and ongoing storylines. No Neelix, no undermining of Janeway, MOAR HOLOGRAPHIC DOCTOR.
Ok this is the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I just clasped my hands together to my breast and got all misty-eyed. Also: 7 of 9 gets to wear real pants and zero corsets.
Co-signed on that last demand. That woman survived being a Borg! She earned to right to wear comfortable trousers!
I demand that winter last from November 15 to January 1, and it is snowy and delightful but not on the roads, that car windshields, windows, and rear windows never ice up, and that January 2 it is a beautiful springlike day that everyone has off from work so we can take down our holiday decorations, nurse our residual hangovers, and begin to emerge from hibernation. January and February will be springlike in weather and March through June will stay in the 70s, consistently.
I further demand that everyone ignore my run-on sentence, above, or excuse it because of winter.
I just want every single day to be sunny with a light breeze, lows around 50 F and highs in the mid-60s. Except when I go to the beach; those days should be partly sunny and sultry with a high of 90.
I agree, with a caveat: I want February to be excised from existence. Not just “we’ll make March and January both 6 weeks” kind of thing: I want the four weeks of February to JUST NOT EXIST. We go straight from actual January to actual March.
Because February is the jerkiest month of the year, and I suspect it takes pride in that fact.
How is it the shortest and yet also the longest?
I left my office at 5:30 today and it was still sunny and I felt amazing.
I kept thinking this would end, but it kept going, and it just got better and better. Can this just sortof constantly update according to your whims? That’s on my list of demands.
I dunno. The Daniel Craig thing, the healthy cigrattes and the magic coke zero machine seem really reasonable but thinking that a fanfic that hasn’t update since 2012 might update is a little far-fetched.
Also, good hair days, every day.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: someday Science will create a pill you can take right after your hair is styled perfectly, and it will ensure that your hair stays that way for 2-3 months, and it might cause some wonky side-effects but it will still be The Most Popular Drug Ever.
I just want to be able to pick the physical sex of my unborn child, is that so hard to ask? Not that I won’t love boy #2 just as much as I would if he were a girl, but there’s a certain level of creepy that comes with buying other peoples’ baby girls ridiculous designer dresses and I’d like to keep it within the family.
Oof, I just had An Experience reading this list. I felt a lot of emotions. Nicole, it is funny and moving, and you are absolutely 100% correct about everything.
Unfortunately I can only help with one thing:
45. Never to have a period again.
— MIRENA.
53 yes yes oh God yes which coincidentally is also the ideal monologue for that encounter.
My list includes Mary Renault coming back from the dead to teach us more ancient Greek history via tormented dudes who are in pure true love with each other, except with lesbians, because damn, we need some women who aren’t avatars of the goddess already.
But Mary had lesbians! Bull jumping lesbians! The King Must Die.
But obviously not nearly enough lesbians.
The Chelsea Peretti/Jordan Peele thing is reeeeeal! Saw a very creepy paparazzi video on YouTube of them canoodling (sorry) outside a restaurant. There is no better couple and I shall cry if they break up!
#5 – SECONDED. At Least There’s The Football is one of my favorite fanworks, and I am now always confused when I watch Sherlock and Lestrade *isn’t* a punk rocker cordon bleu chef. It is so clearly what he is meant to be!
Why else would he exist otherwise?
I suppose he has *some* plot purposes. But mostly he is around to blast Immigraniada while scraping a granita. That is the main point of Lestrade.
WAIT. Jordan Peele + Chelsea Peretti?!?? Ahhhh I love them both.
The bathrobe thing! My bathrobe is warm and cozy, but when people see me in it I assume they think I have given up on life. But it has the same general parts as the robes that femme fatales put on when they say they are going to slip into something more comfortable in movies. It’s just bigger. Can we all just agree that cozy robes can still be considered flattering? It’s all culturally determined, right?
The cozy robes have properties that make the wearer look taller, extremely attractive to all genders and sultry – a little dangerous even. Don’t mess with the robe!
I cannot agree more to #13. It is not possible. I have been a non-smoker for about 4 years now, and the line from Keeping The Faith (still the only movie I have enjoyed Ben Stiller in) of, “I quit smoking [x] years ago and every time I see a person light up I want to french kiss them to suck all the smoke from their lungs.” is so very, very true. I don’t want to smell like smoke. I don’t want to be addicted. I don’t want to be made ill from smoking. But goddammit I MISS smoking.
My dad and his girlfriend buy a pack of cigarettes about once a year, and now they enjoy a single e-cigarette after dinner, and it’s really fun and I’m sure it’s not going to kill us all in thirty years.
It’s totally going to kill us all in 30 years, but my take on that is we’re slowly inhaling tiny nanobots that are infiltrating everything and will suddenly all turn on in a giant frenzy of Terminator-like proportions.
That said, I’m kind of tempted to try one of those e-cigs.
I quit 5 years ago, and I have dreams about smoking. I have dreams and a list of circumstances under which I would start smoking again (terminal illness, any circumstance with long-term looting, etc) and sometimes I just think “I COULD go buy a pack right now. I could, if I wanted to.”
YES. If I get a terminal illness I am absolutely picking up smoking again. I may do it when I hit my late 70s anyway, just because.
Denis Leary: “You know what people say. ‘Smoking takes years off your life.’ But they’re the shitty years, folks, they’re the ones at the END!”
I also talk myself out of buying a pack about once a month.
I quit nine years ago and STILL dream about it! The smell of cigarettes in fall nights is incredibly evocative for me and I wish I could just have one sometimes. But Mr. Ipo told me that if I started again he’d divorce me so I’m not ready to play chicken with that statement.
Godddd I miss smoking. I just loved it so much. For a while I was buying a pack so I could have “just one” smoke “every once in a while” and …yeah. Not possible.
“25. To be able to cancel any and all things online without needing to speak to a representative.”
Co-signed!
And another demand: “That cheese fries with 2 kinds of cheese, bacon, and ranch dressing are found to have the same health benefits as all the vegetables.” (It’s lunchtime, guys. I’m hungry.)
It’s 2014, science should be able to deliver nutritious cheese fries by now, surely?
We’re really researching the wrong things if you ask me…
“41. The perfection of dry shampoo technology.” i.e. Dry shampoo that leaves the hair feeling soft and nice all day, instead of my current sudden-death transition from dry and frizzy to Severus Snape around 2:00 PM every afternoon.
And then when you DO wash your hair, it feels really weird.
So, you contemplating going back to the daily washes of your carefree youth, when people just washed their hair all the time, with no thought of the consequences!
And then it’s not the world we live in anymore.
This is going to come off as kiss-assy, but I’m pretty sure #24 is already true.
That’s definitely one of my own demands, though. Other demands include tights that don’t squeeze my intestines into nothingness, a refrigerator that keeps food indefinitely fresh so I don’t have to waste anything when I’m too depressed to cook, and a monkey butler.
Oh, good tights. Also — pet proof tights so you don’t live in paranoia around your dog and cat when wearing them.
Oh, you’re sweet, but plenty of people find me super-annoying, which is completely fair.
I was coming here to make Figwiggin’s exact comment, so. You’re just so effortlessly nice and generous but not in a way that makes me have negative emotions towards you.
You have perfected perfection in written form, at any rate. In person you might be horrifying, but it certainly doesn’t come across on screen.
PSSST – Nicole. I made you a thing. A thing with a cat
http://t.co/sPnwLocFGe
I love you.
Damn you, Fastdrawer!
# 50 for reals! That is my one true wish in life, despite living in a tiny studio in an earthquake zone.
(Also, you stole my heart with the stealth Leonard Cohen reference)
A discreet, toggle-style “Nap” switch for my infant.
Also, yes, a library with a ladder.
The library from ‘Beauty and the Beast’ or ‘My Fair Lady.’ Either will suffice.
Blazers, yessss.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SOCKS, NICOLE
I can get behind hoopskirts, though.
Yeah, I’ve always wanted to try wearing one though I recognize they must be a huge pain in the ass to wear.
Wear, not really. Sit down in, yes, very much so. It also helps create a nice physical bubble to remind all but the most creepy of creepers to stay the fuck back. (Did an entire Gencon a few years back in full hooped Steampunk, and except the one dude who decided it was ok to pet my back tattoo, I had space everywhere, even in the crowded-ass merch hall. And hells yes I used my outdoor voice indoors and the threat of violence to back said creeper up.)
Wearing, not so bad. Curtsying: bad.
(…it was a Mardi Gras Crewe thing, Gone With The Wind theme.)
True Confession: I originally demanded MORE Twitter followers than Mallory, but relented.
(PSSSST: https://twitter.com/Nicole_Cliffe, I’m so funny.)
I prefer the idea that you want exactly the same number as Mallory, so you two can be twinsies on Twitter.
Greg Lestrade is secretly punk rock
Love all of these but ULTRA love the last two. 🙂
Me: Don’t read my list of demands, there’s one about Daniel Craig again.
Steve: Christ.
Me: It involves your enthusiastic consent!
Steve: Is it for me to teach him how to drive a goddamn stick shift?
Enthusiastically
My partner is also tired of hearing about D. Craig. BUT IT WILL NEVER STOP. At least, not until he somehow (tragically) becomes not the sexiest dude of all the dudes.
Crap I got beat to it!
But you embedded! I don’t know how to embed!
OBVIOUSLY WE NEED AN ANTHOLOGY
Paging Matt to the thread!
Mary Roach. MARY ROACH. MARY ROACH. Mary Roach is to immediately be given a staggering sum of money and a staff of attentive, enthusiastic researchers and minions to tend to her every need.
My demand is for a large friendly dog of indeterminate breed who loves to snuggle, but who is also capable of walking and cleaning up after itself (including locking the door behind it).
67. Large dogs live to be 20 instead of 7.
Fuckin’ concurred.
68. All pet animals shall hereby be friends with all other pet animals, as Poppy the foster pit bull and an unnamed guinea pig demonstrate.
RELATED: if anyone in the Baltimore area is looking for an incredibly sweet pittie to adopt, do I have the dog for you.
That picture has killed me and I am dead.
My coworker reports that the guinea pig would rest under her chin and make happy noises.
Everything about this list is great (including/especially BERLIN, because it’s the best). My own personal addition would be to be able to eat massive amounts of dairy products without a severe and unpleasant digestive reaction. (I had a sudden craving for pizza this weekend and I almost cried. Cheese!)
WAIT WAIT JORDAN PEELE AND CHELSEA PERETTI MIGHT BE A THING WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT
I have been throwing all the single socks from the laundry into a pile for the last year or so. Last night I finally sat down and matched as many as I could. So. yes I am all for #26.
Also, I hope Sean Bean does not get type cast as the guy who dies in the first movie/first season.
Much of this boils down to my long-held desire for ME and absolutely no one else to get 30 hours in a day. Three of the extra six hours would be daylight, three darkness.
Blazers: Is it possible to have huge-gantic boobs and a fairly defined waist and extremely lady-ish hips and look good in a blazer? If I shell out and have something tailored, will it look good, or will I have spent a lot of money to look like a brick or like a time-traveling Victorian lady-detective? (Not my thing though all respect to those who enjoy the time-traveling Victorian detective look.) Do I just give up on the blazer dream entirely. Seriously, I think about blazers all the time.
Has to be three button.
I am currently googling many things! Ok one more thing: If I were to say that my ideal blazer-wearer is Patti Smith, am I just being super unreasonable at this point.
It is! I have all three of those attributes and I look darn good in blazers (though also having broad shoulders helps a lot with that). I don’t necessarily agree with Megano!’s comment re: three buttons, but I would say odds are better it will look flattering with more than one. However if you prefer just one button, make sure it’s placed higher up (like a few inches above your belly button) but not too high, because if it’s placed either at your natural waist or right under the boobs, chances are you’ll get that thing where the lapels sort of bulge out and your boobs look enormous. Also, to avoid the boxy look, I’d say go for a blazer with narrow lapels, made with a thinner fabric, and one that’s not too long either (most of the blazers I’ve tried on that made me feel boxy/dowdy were long and/or had wide lapels). Anyway, wow, I didn’t realize I had so many thoughts about blazers. But I’d say it’s worth it to have one tailored. Good luck!
Oh man, this is seriously so helpful, I just cut & pasted your comment into a google doc for future reference. Thank you for all your blazer-related thoughts!
My boyfriend fails to understand that The Thick Of It is the funniest thing that has ever happened ever. He’s all “I don’t understand what’s going on!” and I’m all “WHO CARES the only point is the cursing!!” I guess he’s not as amused by creative vulgarity in Scottish accents as I am.
Once those cities have been turned over to you, does that mean no one else is allowed to write personal essays about how magical/special they are? Because that would be stellar, thanks.
“4. A four-hour combined director’s cut of American Hustle and Silver Linings Playbook that is only dancing and zero making me feel bad for Jeremy Renner.”
SO TRUE.
Also a lot of these are doable things! There is a whole website where you can make your own gifs for free!!!! http://makeagif.com/
And like, Sean Bean could come back to GoT if they do certain book flashbacks.
I take everything back. Harold Ramis is dead, and I should have put all my demands in the “keeping him alive forever” basket.
WAIT WHAT NO
Noooooo. People I like need be immortal.
Egon Spengler was one of my major childhood crushes (I still love anyone–on tv or in real life–wearing glasses and a jumpsuit, spouting technobabble).
re: dry shampoo– Klorane Dry Shampoo with Oat Milk. It is the bomb.com
Very enthusiastic COSIGN to both of these:
“31. For Zumba classes to offer remedial catch-up tutoring for people of Irish descent.
32. The renewal of The Thick Of It.”
And I’d add, “For Doctor Who with Peter Capaldi to be really really good, despite the fact that Stephen Moffat is still in charge.”
I have suggestions:
– that my two-and-a-half year old be toilet-trained without any effort on my part.
– that I make an IRL friend here in my new city today.
– that I can do all the things I want to do without feeling like I’m neglecting anyone.
– that True Detective be actually about two lady detectives and there be no murdered sex workers in it, or any other TV show ever again.
– actually that should be a separate line item – no more murdered sex workers on TV.
– or in real life too, thanks.
Well that turned dark surprisingly quickly.
I am so favour of a female True Detective (maybe next season?). Why is it that for shows exploring and reflecting on masculinity, we get True Detective and Breaking Bad and the like, while for shows exploring and reflecting on femininity we’re pretty much stuck with Girls and Sex and the City?
Edited to say: I forgot Top of the Lake! At least we get that one.
Holy shit that fanfic.
While we’re on outdated fanfic: I just want The Shoebox Project to update.
I’m actually very content with where The Shoebox Project ended.
Except that there will never be enough Remus/Sirius fic that is that good.
The ability to just erase certain people from existence without any risk of being found out or of them coming back ever.
Also the ability to manage/end toddler tantrums calmly, kindly, and without removing the personal agency of the toddler.
Yes to both of these, but especially the first.
#53 was the most inopportune time to be taking a sip of water.
1) A roll top bath, like the one in my hotel room right now.
2) The exact bed in my hotel room right now (I found it online, and it only costs £2500 – it’s on sale!)
That’s all. I will be happy if I can have these things.
What’s a roll top bath?
(34 + 53) – Daniel Craig. And I don’t care what order everything happens in.
Re #1, WHY DON’T YOU JUST MOVE TO NORTH KOREA, THEN? because I actually understand that it is the standard form of heating there.
Also, “65th, we take Manhattan.”
Sausages can also be those white Bavarian ones that are boiled. They’re the best.
Doggies that live forever and are also puppy sized forever and are your best friends for life and you die at the same time so no one is sad
Leonardo Dicaprio circa Romeo and Juliet as my new husband forever (I will also accept Aaron Paul circa now)
A garden like the one at Ina Garten’s Hampton house
Endless champagne and no hangovers
Tacos on demand
End of list.
Nicole 🙂
PRETENTIOUS CAT BARISTA
Oh god, #24… Because I am SO ANNOYING and then I ASK PEOPLE if I have annoyed them. Also #19 because I would like to wear blazers at all but I have a lot of boobs going on. Also for all the hair to be removed from my chin, I wish it was only six.
ALSO, “The Thick of It” is so great, have you watched it, you should all watch it.
“55. The American League gets rid of the designated hitter.”
THIS. FOREVER.
My office has radiant floor heating. It’s pretty nice.
1. For my brother’s serious chronic health problems to miraculously vanish
2. To perform a great service for my country–say, discovering endless clean energy–and be rewarded by having my student loans written off.
3. For my teeth to become white, and remain white and strong for the rest of my days.
4. For Subaru to create a whole life cycle carbon-neutral, completely recyclable vehicle that is otherwise indistinguishable from an early-to-mid 00’s Outback wagon.
5. A lifetime supply of any and all teas, including the ridiculous $100/oz Darjeelings.
6. To not be trans.
7. The permanent bags under my eyes vanish so I don’t have to wear glasses to hide them.
8. Gnomes that visit me at night and do all my paperwork and filing.
9. No more arthritis or carpal tunnel.
10. Troian Bellasario reads me to sleep whenever I am anxious.
11. A dog.
12. Everyone rediscovers Livejournal, and Tumblr and Facebook die ignominous deaths.
13. Every season has the perfect amount of sunshine and precipation to make the rivers always full and the slopes always powdery.
14. Everyone is issued an unbreakable code at birth that guarantees their personal and internet privacy for life.
15. Endless hot showers and wool socks on demand.
16. Everyone required to develop competency in cross dressing until such point as everyone looks fabulous in everything and no one cares anymore.
#16: Can we start today?
I’m not the only wearing glasses for the eye bags, thank goodness!
I started wearing thick plastic frames way before they were such a thing because of the bags. And I will be unfashionable later because I will still be wearing them!
Nicole: speech-to-text has been perfect, because my phone knows to capitalize Golden Girls.
i support this. all of it.
The library with a ladder = number one reason Belle is the best Disney lady, despite the creepy abusive stuff in that romantic relationship. Number one reason to be rich also.
#14 tho!
I didn’t know I needed it but now I neeeeeeeeeeeeed it!
I love all of these!
Mine include:
-my nut allergy to disappear, so I can experience the magic of peanut butter and chocolate together
-high heels no longer make my feet hurt
-all the carbs, no consequences
-summer can no longer get hotter than 32 degrees (C)
-the entire Australian government spontaneously grows a sense of compassion, or just fucks right off
I love all of these!
Mine include:
-my nut allergy to disappear, so I can experience the magic of peanut butter and chocolate together
-high heels no longer make my feet hurt
-all the carbs, no consequences
-summer can no longer get hotter than 32 degrees (C)
-the entire Australian government spontaneously grows a sense of compassion, or just fucks right off
My life’s goal is to appear on Sesame Street.
you know 46, 58 and 59 are on my bucket list. Also, on my bucket list, to destroy the phrase “bucket list.”
OK Nicole I think you and I had v. similar tastes in 7th grade though my fave chenille sweater was forest green not blue.
Bye now, I’ll just be descending into a rabbit hole of Sherlock fanfic…
OK Nicole I think you and I had v. similar tastes in 7th grade though my fave chenille sweater was forest green not blue.
Bye now, I'll just be descending into a rabbit hole of Sherlock fanfic…
Ha, At Least There’s the Football has converted so many skeptical how-can-anybody-ship-this-they’ve-never-even-shared-a-scene types.
I’m sitting on fic that hasn’t been updated since the NINETIES. so. um. could someone get on that please?
Also, erasing all medical woes and perfecting teleportation and replicators and my hair is just magically however I want it whenever I want it, without having to go through the weird growing-out stage or talk to a hairdresser ever again.
By tomorrow would be fine.