I spent the last three weeks debating within myself whether or not to start a “sinister Sea World” Twitter account (I have the gchat transcripts with every one of my comedian friends and a Google Doc titled ‘Sea World Joke Ideas’ to prove it), despite the fact that most single-subject joke Twitter accounts are not very good (sole exceptions being @Seinfeld2000, @BlackLarryKing, and @NotCoatFactory) and grow wearisome within a matter of days, not to mention the inevitable and maddening comparisons that would result (“So it’s like Night Vale, but underwater?”).
For whatever reason, a part of me remains deeply convinced that I would be the perfect person to craft a slightly off, terrifying version of Sea World that exists on Twitter, instead of someone who would tweet four stupid jokes about octopus faces and then let it die out completely. I am also fairly certain that I can sing glam-rock falsetto, even though this is something that female vocal cords are physically incapable of doing. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I believe I could become a world-champion whistler if I really put my mind to it. I do not know where these beliefs come from. I do not know what sustains them.
My sister once signed me up to receive promotional materials from the Marines after we got into an argument about whether or not I’d be a good one. (My argument consisted mainly of “I don’t know why, I just FEEL like I’d be a good Marine.”)
I don’t necessarily mean “what are your unrealistic dreams,” because that’s kind of a sad question, but what is something you secretly believe yourself capable of doing if you really tried that you know for a fact that you cannot? Join me in my delusions.
Tags: i decided not to make the account, it’s not that i don’t love night vale i’ve just heard it already, things you think you would be good at
golf
I think I’d be a pretty decent character actor. I don’t think I could play the lead in anything, but bit parts? I think I’d be good at them. Even though I’ve never really acted in anything. So this is 1000% pure delusion. Still, I think I could be a minor star!
Sometimes I see a really terrible acting performance, and I think, okay, I could be AT LEAST that good.
I have this same delusion!
The rave review I got from my high-school English teacher for my supporting role in Into the Woods definitely sustains this delusion in me. Although I don’t secretly believe I could be on Broadway , because I know that even if I put my mind to it, I could never dance.
Ninjutsu.
Management. Sorry my answer is boring but I truly am good at everything else in the world, INCLUDING being a Marine. In fact I would’ve been so good at Air Force that the recruiters were too afraid to call me back.
Speed skating. Because after the half-hour of stumbling around the edge of the skating rink, when I actually start skating WITHOUT the railings, I feel VERY FAST.
Ooh, me too!
Ah, what you need is a family consisting ENTIRELY of very good skaters, excepting yourself. They will skate up behind you, grab a wayward hand, and whirl you around the lake/rink while you try desperately to keep your balance. TOO FAST. TOO FAST.
Short track or long track? This apparently makes all the difference in the world. Short track is dominated by Koreans and Apollo Ohno, some of the shortest people I’ve ever seen, but long track is dominated by the Dutch with their long legs.
also the Dutch are *obsessed* with speed skating, half the commercials here right now have speed skatings/speed skaters in them and if you like, go skating most people are going to be on speed skates gliding along with their hands behind their backs. I think I’m going to have to watch the BBC to see any event other than speed skating.
Oh man, I just realized that sounds like I’m asking if you’re short or tall. You can ignore my question.
Haha this is 100% mine, too. Apparently a common delusion? I’m also tall and like… thigh-y so I feel like that would contribute positively.
I’m not alone?! This is surprising to me. I also went through a ski jumping phase, and was really disappointed to, years later, discover that I am just mediocre at Wii ski jumping. Harrumph.
Parkour.
Sometimes I jump over low concrete walls just to scratch the itch.
According to this guide I need to be able to 5×20 reps of push-ups before I should even attempt anything parkour related:
http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2010/08/12/the-de…
And I can currently do zero unassisted push-ups.
BUT if I took the time and put in the hours I could be a parkour queen.
ME TOO
Mostly I just jump off things that are a foot above the ground and yell “PARKOUR” and then feel real good about myself
Sewing. I am not at all crafty, but I am convinced that if I bought a sewing machine, I would be able to instantly make beautiful clothing that fits me perfectly.
I am like that with all crafts. Sure I can blow glass. I assume.
Being the world’s benevolent dictator. Is that not a job yet?
Sounds good.
Writer. I mean, if I REALLY tried I could come up with ideas and suddenly gain a work ethic, right?
For some of us, Sea World is scary enough on its own.
I think I would be good at archery, despite having terrible upper body strength and terrible aim. I JUST WANT TO BE ARYA STARK OK.
Sea World is where terrifying monsters get TOO CLOSE to you. Ban Sea World. Never make a human interact with a whale.
I had the same idea. Then I took one free archery class. It was infinitely fun, but I was so terrible at it.
I still kinda think I’d be good at it if I kept taking lessons, though.
We did archery in gym class when I was a freshman. I was so good at it I actually remember my teacher gaping in amazement. Because, you know, I sucked so hard at everything else in gym class.
But I have zero upper body strength! And terrible aim! So there’s hope for you, is what I’m saying.
Dare to dream!
I was great at it in middle school or high school gym! I do have good aim (which is usually masked by my inability to throw anything farther than 10 feet), but I’m pretty sure it was just because I was the only girl big enough to use the stronger bows. Still, I imagine…
It is actually surprisingly easy to be not-awful at archery! Like I have terrible upper-body strength and no hand-eye co-ordination but I mostly always hit the target (outer rings) and every now and then the inner, and I think you would be the same! It’s sort of like bowling – being amazing at bowling means being *consistent* but even someone who is quite bad at it will get a strike or spare every now and again, and feel awesome. So I recommend you go to a one-off archery session, because it is a lovely thing to have done once in your life.
(If you have no upper-body strength they just give you a lighter draw bow, no big deal. You’d never be able to kill a deer with it but doesn’t matter. Still makes satisfying THWOCK noise when it hits the target)
YES. I rocked the Arya Stark bowl cut FOR YEARS. Add that to a respectable athleticism and fondness for turning everything into a competition, I was constantly mistaken for a boy. Arya is everything an adolescent Cherub wanted to be.
Learned archery basics at a summer camp, fell in love with it.
I was so excited to take it up again the next summer. First day, I drew the arrow back-completely forgetting puberty hit me like freight train and there were now unwieldy C-cups in the way. I’m still amazed the bow didn’t slice me up like cheese cutter through warm brie.
Alas, my archery dream was no more. *sobs* DAMN MY TITS.
I feel for you. My brother decided once to voluntarily interact with me over his new hunting compound bow. I had complimented his new possession and expressed admiration for his ability to draw such a heavy bow. Trying to be complimentary, he said, but you could draw it too; you’re very strong. I said no, I could not draw that bow. Trust me on that. No, he insisted, you could. Then he put it in my hands. I demurred and tried to give it back at least twice before giving in and showing him why I cannot draw that damn bow. He turned bright red when I demonstrated what C-cups mean for archery. Poor guy. He just wanted to be nice to a sister he so often has nothing in common with.
SHIT I HAVE D CUPS 🙁
I am secretly convinced that I would be really very talented at ballet if I ever tried, despite being kicked out of ballet aged three for “persistently failing to follow a simple instruction”. Never let it be said that I let Miss Denise, of Miss Denise’s Tippytoes Dancers, crush my dreams.
Also I am the wrong shape for ballet and I am incredibly clumsy and I have no sense of rhythm. But still.
Me too! I have been taking some ballet barre classes and if I could get my toes to point without cramping, I think I’m not bad!
I took ballet for 20+ years, and am convinced I could’ve been a great ballerina if my physical self could execute the concepts as well as my brain understood them. I knew in theory what you needed to do to lift your leg up by your ear, but my muscles and hip joints just wouldn’t comply.
I had to quit ballet after an unrelated ankle injury, and I was too broad and dumpy for it, BUT I STILL HAD DREAMS. I think I would’ve been rad.
Ninja Warrior competitor.
ME TOO and it’s so hilariously far from the truth
i could absolutely do the first stage (the jump from rock to rock thing). After that, I’m sure, with some training, I could be awesome.
Which brings me to my next point: why are there not any ninja warrior training gyms?
That is the only gym I really want to be a part of.
I’m PRETTY SURE I’d be an amazing trapeze artist
I really, truly believe that I would be great at aerial silks. I even said this, like 85% seriously, to my friends as we watched a very talented woman dangle by her arms from strips of fabric. I have almost no upper body strength, or any kind of body strength, but I just really feel like I could do it.
AW GUYS
I just took an aerial class that I bought with a Groupon and it was so much fun! I have noodles for arms, and now, two days later, my biceps ache like you wouldn’t believe. BUT IT WAS MAGICAL.
If you live in the LA area, there are always Groupons for this class, too!
OKAY I WANT TO DO THAT (I don’t live in LA but I can probably find something near me.)
Falling asleep.
I’m actually very jealous of this.
This one makes me both sad. And jealous. Sleeping shouldn’t take skill.
Illustration. I mean, maybe I’d be okay with years of practice, but I know that’s never going to happen. People tell me I have a ‘good eye’ for things, though, so I’m certain I’m secretly a master just waiting to put pen to paper.
I just started trying to draw again, and the reality of things has crumbled my secret hopes of immediately being able to draw amazing monstergirls etc.
Me too! I think I have a knack for looking at things artistically. Like I can look at all of my friends and see what “shapes” they are made out of, and imagine little cute stylized drawings of them in my head. Whenever I actually put pen to paper though it turns out hilariously awful.
I sometimes think I’d be a great comedy writer, because I’m really good at coming up with witty comebacks and funny Facebook statuses. But then you have to like actually write sketches and stuff for these job applications, and I completely lack the follow-through or ability to come up with original ideas. I think I should just go be a Sassy Best Friend or Dowager Countess somewhere.
Ooh yes, this would be my second one.
A Dowager Countess is *all* I want to be.
Parenting.
But that delusion is how the species goes on, now that there’s birth control.
yeah I used to think that!
I secretly think I could be a hysterically funny British stand-up-and-panel-show comedian.
Alas, I am not widely considered to be either British or “a good performer”, and my sense of humour is 90% awful puns, 7% flights of fancy, and 3% misandry, except for that one time I slipped on a banana peel, for real.
Okay, I was just about to legitimately ask if you were my wife. It was only the “3% misandry” bit that made me realize that you (probably) are not. She has many virtues, but misandry is sadly not one of them.
I would be so good on the News Quiz. Only, not at all.
Me too! I have spent an embaressing amount of time thinking about how good I would be on QI and Would I Lie to You? (so good. And Stephen Fry and I would become best friends. Obviously)
Yes! Obviously.
(I too am convinced that Stephen Fry and I would be friends if we met in real life… even though I know from his autobiographies that he and I would probably both be too shy to really talk to one another if we had just met.)
“I am not widely considered to be British” you just made me laugh, so you should keep this delusion going.
Okay but I just read that entire stargate vagina thing on Twitter, and I am going to have to disagree about the quality of your sense of humor.
oh yes, so this, in every respect
Contemporary dance, fixing mechanical things, being the president.
Despite a total and complete lack of athletic ability (when my doctor asks me what forms of exercise I engage in, I sheepishly mumble, “…walking…”), I believe I am a secret warrior princess. If given the correct motivation and training, I believe I could master martial arts AND old-timey sword-fighting.
i feel like i could PROBABLY be a world-class boxer after a few motivational pep talks from an ornery retired boxer who has reluctantly become my coach
This is a delusion that Alanna the Lioness has placed in me as well. If I just worked a little harder (at all)!
Yes, I also blame Alanna!!!
here are some of the jokes in my “sea world jokes” doc
welcome to sea world. everything has the normal amount of faces here, especially you. you’ll feel so normal when you get here. we keep our faces behind glass but your face can go anywhere.
an octopus can touch you
all fish are flying fish if you put them in the sky
a whale can see you
right now
all witches are sea witches at sea world
everything came from the sea. what part of you came from the sea. do you think it is still here. do you think it is happy
the sea is a deep and terrifying place and we’ve brought it up here, for you. it would be rude to ignore that.
Was this conceived of as an anonymous Twitter account? Because “normal amount of faces” is tantamount to a signature by you.
If you buy our souvenir mug, you’ll be allowed an extra 22 minutes. Of what, you may ask? Won’t you be surprised to learn!
You could genuinely just roll with the Night Vale thing, though, maybe.
“Welcome to Night Whale”
It’s meet-and-greet time with the sea lions! Pay five dollars for a kiss and a photo! Pay two dollars for a kiss and no photo! Pay sixty dollars not to be betrothed to the sea lions after the kiss is over.
You get the skin, right? That’s part of the betrothal. Here’s a flensing knife.
THESE ARE NOT JOKES BUT TERRIFYING TRUTHS MALLORY
oh god… “an octopus can touch you”
i just shuddered, and now i’m backing away from the computer.
You don’t even know what krill are, but they are aware of you. They are all around you.
So…when will this Twitter be up and running?
THE FLYING FISH ONE!!! DYING
Making music videos, from the scripts to the choreography to the camera moves. If you ever bring up Frank Ocean near me, I’ll spend like twenty minutes talking about how I’d make a much better video for “Pyramids”.
Yoga. I make a half-hearted stab at it every few years before remembering I just like running and stretching and free weights instead.
Same 🙁 I WANT to be really good at it, but that turns out not to be the point of yoga.
No, no, wanting to be good at yoga is itself a form of yoga. You’re stretching your desire! I’d be good at it but I have the legs of a Corgi, yet am human, so nobody squees when I walk down the street.
I want to be good at yoga, and then I remember how good I am at not moving.
I’d be the best actress ever, as I have determined by bit parts performed in amateur productions in a small city. Call me, Hollywood!
if i just took the time to squint really intensely at a banjo, i’m pretty sure i’d be a new earl scruggs.
same with pretty much every musical instrument, really.
I remain convinced that there’s some sport out there that I am great at, despite the fact that I am not particularly athletic and have at least tried most of the sports that don’t require extraordinary athleticism (archery, sailing, most recently curling).
Try Olympic weight lifting. Seriously. I discovered it last year (at the wonderful age of 43!) and have completely fallen in love. With a good coach it’s not scary at all and with a great coach, it’s MAGICAL.
this happened to me! I am randomly good at throwing a discus.
I secretly think I would be really good at making tiny things — food especially, but also just, you know, general tiny objects, dollhouse supplies and that sort of thing — out of polymer clay.
Voice acting. (My voice is actually horrible and nasal and I continually have to forget how it sounds in order to speak at all.)
Haha! My voice sounds SO horrible to me but I’ve been assured other people like it.
(another nail in the coffin of my prospective phone sex career)
Oh man I’ve always loved the thought of doing voice acting or being the voice of audiobooks. Unfortunately my accent is a weird amalgam of Australian and British pronunciation (thanks to a childhood stutter that couldn’t deal with a lot of Aus pronunciation, thanks BBC programming for showing me another way), so my voice would be hugely distracting for people who’d just end up thinking “Where the hell is she FROM?”
Librivox.org always needs volunteers- you too could be the voice of an audio book.
Thanks for this! I did books-on-tape reading for educational services in college and I loved it!
as someone who started and then kind of abandoned a podcast after spending too much on a dang microphone just because i like the sound of my recorded voice, i’d have to agree with this one
Oh man, me too. Except I know my voice sounds nice enough, but I’m probably overlooking all kinds of skills apart from that that would be needed for professional voice acting. I answer phones for work, and I have been mistaken for an automated phone system so many times. I really don’t know if that’s good or bad.
Singing jazz standards, lounge-style. Sewing gorgeous costumes. Being a thief of the high-class variety, all stealing the crown jewels and important documents and whatnot. Taking photographs. Running an academy that breaks all the rules of the current educational system. Dancing the tango.
May I join your villainous cabal? It sounds fantastic.
There are masquerades every fortnight and every full moon requires adventure.
I’m unreasonably sad that this is not an actual thing. YET.
IT TOTALLY IS IN MY HEAD.
i really really really still feel like i would make a good marine
You could probably do most of the things on this list http://www.military.com/military-fitness/marine-c…
Someone signed me up for a farmers only dating account and an ayn rand dating account, and i still don’t know who did and I still get emails I look at it from time to time a lot of my matches are in Texas so I guess I’d secretly be good at being a lover in Texas
this comment was a roller coaster ride from start to finish
Is someone getting revenge on you? Because signing someone up for terrible dating sites [as long as it’s not in a “Hey, I have a fetish for strangers coming up and touching my face! Ignore my loud protests new friend!] sounds like a really good revenge plan and I’m going to go do it do you think that’s illegal.
Hm I didn’t even think about that – I don’t think they filled out my profile because I only get the Welcome/Here are your matches e-mail than actual messages from members. I get the matches e-mail 2-3x a week? The profiles are all the same *real ‘murica, fun loving, etc etc*. Any more than that I would definitely not be happy about it.
My old roommate once got into my OkCupid account and started messaging white supremacists. Their responses were all…surprisingly forward. And horribly racist, obviously.
In Catholic middle school I filled out a postcard in my best friend’s name requesting more information about joining a religious order (they had them in the religion teacher’s classroom).
NUNS WENT TO HER HOUSE
It’s OK, they can’t come in unless they’re invited.
Oh, my God, I cannot stop laughing.
Space Marine? I always thought I’d be a good Star Trek-style soldier. The kind out for exploring and science and alien sexytimes, not for war.
starfleet is for all of us
Ah, not Warhammer 40k. Reassuring…
Phone sex. The Aussie accent, the vocal fry, I’m good at describing sexual scenes in writing… but in actual dirty conversations I am either totally clammed up with embarrassment or going *puzzled* “but I don’t own a white bra.”, and also I would probably be a bit grossed out by the average caller’s naked* desperation.
*heh.
I follow a phone sex operator on Tumblr and it is FASCINATING. I like to secretly think I’d be a good phone domme like she is (she does a lot of small penis humiliation and has a slave and stuff), but that could not be farther from the truth.
i feel like my american friends have totally inflated the value of my aussie accent
do you live here? no, they all LOVE it, it’s cray.
no! but once i finally got up the courage to go on mic they’re always like “OH MY GOD YOUR ACCENT YOU SHOULD RECORD PODFIC OR SOMETHING, READ ME THE PHONEBOOK”
made me totally believe if i ever visited the states i could lead a small army of besotted americans like some kind of australian pied piper
GIRL you straight up could. maybe not in LA or NYC, but pretty much anywhere else.
THAT’S INCREDIBLE
ok watch out rural and suburban america: i’m coming!
So absolutely true. My friend from Perth had a bunch of us join her Australia Day gang and we were all like kids at a carnival, us idiot Texans, “say the names of all the weird Australian animals!” “say the name of that food!” “say MY NAME!”
alllllll I can think of when I hear an Australian accent is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bV3tfauw3vQ
I thought you were going to link to the Monty Python “Bruce” sketch.
This is going to sound whacked out, but I would make an excellent colonial farm wife OR housekeeper in a large estate circa the Victorian period. I feel like this would have been my actual calling if I had lived 150 or 300 years ago.
(Dream big: I don’t think I would be a famous rich person in history, just a semi-comfortable person OR a servant who had spent years and years of drudgery making it to the top. What does this say about me. Nothing good.)
Also basically +1 to everything everyone else said.
I love the idea of this, I could rock the dresses, but my immune system is such that I would dead of consumption in 6 months…I’m not made for a world without antibiotics and also migraine medication
This sounds perfectly reasonable to me: I think I would have fit nicely in the role of doughty pioneer wife, scraping by and making do from whatever scrids and scrads of dry goods and housewares and furnishings I could scrounge up.
I spent time on a living history farm in maine in January in blizzard. Everyone I knew thought I was crazy to sign up because I’m not outdoorsy (at all, at all, all. Not quite Zsa Zsa Gabor on Green Acres but almost). But I didn’t die! And I was actually pretty good at it! I love the comforts of modern life (Sephora, wifi, Starbucks) but I was a pretty good 1880s housewife. That is something I am ridiculously proud of. I can milk goats, saw wood, use a horrible outhouse, etc. All that said, cheers for being able to go back to my real life, having the right to vote, and modern medicine.
Whenever I’m mending or altering clothes, I always think about how I’d be a kickass pioneer wife, despite having basically no other useful skills.
Also, unrelatedly, skateboarding.
I know I would be an amazing valet. To a gentleman.
….Dan Stevens.
Yes! Except I think I would be a good curate’s or missionary’s wife. Minus the preaching, I mostly just like the idea of helping people and looking nobly humble. Plus I would have to figure out birth control because I come from fertile people.
Similarly, I believe I would make an awesome chatelaine. I’m really happy to have better career options than that in this modern era, but I would rule my estate with an IRON FIST I TELL YOU.
I’ve always thought I’d be a great interior designer, given a large budget and no restrictions. Then I remember my design aesthetic is ‘one bright color with neutrals, then add throw pillows; shove everything drawers.’
I’m pretty sure I could be an actor or stand-up comedian. I have, in fact, already prepped my Oscar speeches in the shower. Several times.
Long-running Jeopardy champion. I’m pretty OK with the knowledge part, but I know very, very well that in high-pressure public performance situations, I freeze up into some kind of trembling, aphasic trance state from which there is no recovery.
There are many traumatic piano recitals and high school debate debacles in my past. <PLAYS FOUR BARS OF MOONLIGHT SONATA, STARES INTO SPACE FOR AN AWKWARDLY LONG TIME, AND THEN RUNS OFF CRYING>
I have an almost identical Moonlight Sonata trauma! WHAT THE HELL! I could play it in my sleep but for some reason at my recital my brain went totally blank. It was horrible.
I still perform in a band and in theater occasionally, but I never again played a solo piano recital. I actually quit piano lessons soon after. Now hearing the Moonlight Sonata makes my stomach hurt, 12 years later.
I think I’d be a decent wedding planner. The only thing that’s been frustrating me about planning my own wedding has been the emotional stress of dealing with my family members, but I can deal with other people’s family just fine. And I like making lists and crossing things off and making sure things run smoothly.
I was good enough at juggling six friends’ weddings last summer that I feel like I could probably be a decent wedding planner too, especially without the emotional connection to the people getting married (“JUST GET IN THE CAR, I DON’T CARE, WE HAVE TO GO NOW,” etc). Would I want to? Who knows…
I definitely would rather plan weddings than other events. I fucking love weddings. I don’t care if it’s 300 people or like 5 at city hall, weddings are great.
Weddings, parties, random lavish events and random other small, intimate, personalized events. Bring em on. I will plan the SHIT out of them, you people have no idea.
(Many of them will take place on the grounds of the B&B I run, you know, the one with the charming gazebo near the stream, and that giant library room with all the comfy reading nooks? Yeah, with the peanut butter cookies each afternoon, that one.)
I’ve also given serious thought to event/wedding planner as my back-up career.
Evidence I would be good at it: I’m always the one who remembers things like trash bags for picnics etc., and I love reading wedding blogs. (That’s all you need, right?)
I can event-plan like nobody’s business, have been paid well to do some big corporate events. But goddess save me from wedding planning. Too much emotional jujitsu required. Dealing with unrealistic brides and mothers-of-brides. More managing expectations than actual event planning. Hats off to anyone who can do it for a living, day in and day out.
Mine is boring but I honestly think I’d make a good accountant/bookkeeper/tax preparer. Sometimes in my mind I’d become like a corporate CFO or something but then I realize that I’m actually pretty terrible at managing people.
I find this strangely hilarious and awesome. You do you, yo.
You can be a tax preparer! Volunteer to file taxes for low income people through VITA . I’ve done it for years and it’s really satisfying, and the computer program does the math for you so you don’t have to worry about long division.
Despite having zero singing ability and looking terrible in red lipstick, I would be the perfect Dr. Frank N. Furter and no one can convince me otherwise.
I feel like I could probably do stand up comedy because I am fairly comfortable talking in front of big groups of people and I think I am naturally funny in some ways, just that I get awkward at random moments and my thoughts trail off when I’m speaking, so I might not be able to deliver really focused jokes that are well-constructed enough to be good at standup. I’m also shitty at being a funny writer, so I’d never be able to script something funny and then perform it. I did do a live storytelling thing here in Toronto that I got people to laugh at, but it was only a 5 minute performance – I can’t imagine being on stage for longer than that and consistently make people laugh.
Hey, Eddie Izzard delivers the antithesis of focused jokes and he’s a scream.
Piano, pretty much solely because I have long spidery fingers that everyone says are good for piano playing.
My experience with piano consists of a time when I was in first or second grade, and a friend tried to teach me how to play the theme to “Full House.” It ended in tears for both of us. Still think I could do it if I tried, though.
Yes, me too! My fingers are long enough to cover more than an octave on a piano, but my parents never put me in music lessons! Dooming my career! My parents insist that they tried to put me in music lessons and I refused but I don’t remember that, also they should have made me.
Long-running Jeopardy champion. I’m pretty OK with the knowledge part, but I know very, very well that in high-pressure public performance situations, I freeze up into some kind of trembling, aphasic trance state from which there is no recovery.
Playing the piano.
…also, dance.
Mountain biking, based on a 2001 conversation (of course) with a mountain biker who complimented me on my ability to fall down without hurting myself, much. Also, one time I rode my (not-mountain) bike on a dirt road and did not bite it.
Mountain biking, but only the downhill bits, not the uphill bits.
I get that “runner’s high” exclusively when running downhill
I definitely believe that I am very good at fighting even though I am a pacifist, have never actually fought a person, and have never even practiced fighting a person. I’m super scared of physical injury and I’m pretty sure even a semi-muscled lady could pin me in about 3 seconds. But way back when, I read the Animorphs series and overidentified with Rachel and now it’s just in my head, like: if necessary, I could take on anyone.
I would be so great at espionage and investigation.
It should be noted that I giggle at EVERYTHING and am insanely easily startled.
I think this too, but I blush so much that I’d be like a walking polygraph.
Oh! Oh! I also think I’d be a great spy, even though whenever I am stressed out or someone is intimidating me or I’m angry my very fair skin gets blotchy and red and patchy looking. People in my office can honestly tell how angry I am based on how red my neck is.
Me too, to all of this! My chest gets blotchy. I have to wear very high neckline things anytime I’m speaking in front of people or doing anything remotely stressful. Yet I still think I’d be an excellent spy.
I worry a lot about sneezing when imagining my spying career. Like what do you do when you’re hiding in a giant urn so you can surprise someone or something, and then you sneeze?? Not so hidden now, are you?
At those moments when the sneezes, coughs, extremely audible farts can no longer be contained….well, that’s the time to strike, isn’t it? James Bond fight scenes are vastly improved by imagining him with some slight digestive discomfort that he covers up with gunfire, btw.
I have actually been startled by my own reflection in the mirror. Not because I looked terrifying, but because I thought somebody else was in the bathroom.
I leave my shower curtain open so there can’t be dead bodies in the shower. I don’t know where I think they’d come from. Up the drain?
To be fair, the reason I secretly think I would be a good Marine is because my dad, who is a Marine, wanted me to follow in his footsteps and spent a lot of time saying stuff like “So you’re not athletic. You could be an intelligence officer!” and “Boot camp is easier than paying off college loans.”
Also, I bet I would look really good in fatigues, like maybe while brandishing a machete.
My brother’s a Marine, and I feel like I could be too, like if I reeeeeallly wanted, despited the fact that everything he does seems like pure torture and I hate authority.
I think the most common occurrence of this is “I’d be really smart and survive the zombie apocalypse” after seeing how stupid the people are in the walking dead
But really that only means the stupid people survived the zombie apocalypse
I am resigned to my immediate demise in event of zombie apocalypse. I’d be useful, sure, because I can make delicious food out of almost anything and I can think clearly and strategically in an emergency.
But I’d go down fast: I’m slow, I’m clumsy, I’m unwilling to leave weaker or slower people behind. And even if the zombies didn’t get me, the survivors would: when I’m tired or stiff, I walk with a limp, so some overzealous perimeter guard would mow me down in the first week.
I just want to boast that I have no delusions about this. I’m not particularly clumsy and I can run pretty fast when I want, but I am HELLA lazy, pessimistic, and fearful. I’m pretty sure that as soon as I saw someone I knew reduced to a drooling monster who wanted to kill me, I would conclude that putting in any effort made no sense, and I would head to the nearest pharmacy to loot some kind of relatively pain-free suicide method. Shrug.
I’d probably be reading status updates on twitter until my internet goes down so oh well.
Oh yeah and deleting older embarrassing tweets so I look way funnier to people in the future
In the event of a zombie apocalypse it totally would be SO IMPORTANT to curate your online presence for future generations
I have informed my husband that in the event of apocalypse (zombie or otherwise) he should take the child and go, leaving me behind because I will only drag them down. I will then drink the one Black Cherry Fresca that I am saving at the back of my fridge, smoke all the cigarettes I can find, and wait to die. It’s better for all of us this way.
Interior decorating. I have a really good eye for color, and am really good at spending other people’s money.
OH! also, being a survivalist nutbag. I’m learning to can, and to brew mead, and have a smallish veggie garden, and am trying to get a year’s worth of food stored In Case Something Happens (I’m thinking more income wise than economic/natural/zombie catastrophy, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW), even though I know I’m probably going to lose interest in a couple of months.
I’m also a really good crochet project starter, as evidenced by the bajillion started blankets. I know that they’ll be really really good when I finish them.
same with the decorating! but I don’t know for sure if I have good eye for color and I’ve lived in my current come for 2 yrs and have done nothing to decorate it… BUT if I had money I’m sure I could buy awesome stuff…
I love fashion and to dress up so i figure interior decorating is just that but with rooms? Delusional.
being a professional tastemaker.
Roller derby.
(I am an excellent 4-wheel skate skater and I have a lot of agression but I am not in shape and have terrible knees. I am also incredibly clumsy)
I bought my own flat-track skates with the ambition to someday practice enough that I can try out for the league. Except there aren’t any roller rinks in Seattle to practice at. Whoops.
I feel the same on all counts.
I also secretly think I would be awesome at roller derby even though I have a wonky center of balance, am clumsy, and never managed crossovers when I took an intro to skating class from a derby team. Also I have moderately bad anemia that I’m not good at treating consistently, so I get exhausted really quickly.
My skates are in my closet, taunting me – I told myself I’d find a rink when I moved out of Alaska and I know where two are within a half hour of Bellingham, and yet… I haven’t gone.
I-I think I’d be good at misandry…
Thanks to copious viewings of ANTM, I think I’d be a GREAT model, despite not being pretty-pretty enough for regular modeling and not ugly-pretty enough for edgy modeling. And despite being larger than their occasional “plus-sized” competitor.
I was just going to say this! I’m always like “No, bitch, you have to make ANGLES. You have to catch the light!” And then I realize that I’m making model faces to my TV.
– doing funny voices for reading out loud/doing puppet shows. But, the thing is I HAVE tried, and had my boss tell me I was kind of terrible at it, but there’s still a large part of me that’s convinced I could do it if I really tried.
– Coordinating exciting, complicated projects and operations. Like, sending spies into the field and stuff. I know I am actually lazy and a bit forgetful and not good at organizing things at all, but maybe they’ve been insufficiently exciting.
Piloting a jaeger.
cancelling the apolcalypse
Especially with my BFFL as my copilot we would fucking kick aaaaasssssssss
Husband and I have a shared dream (delusion) that we will someday sell all our stuff and move to Croatia to start a goat farm. We will make the best cheese! Of course, we know nothing about goats or cheese making.
Long Track Speed Skating
Internet Commentary
And I will see you at the whistling championships in Salzburg! You are going down, Ortberg!
Successful hip hop album producer: I make beats and songs that are listenable for few. Hardcore punk guitarist; just need a band. Some kind of Physicist: I can’t afford and don’t have time for that much schooling. Professional baseball player: I’m pretty good at baseball, but not that good, let’s be real I’m way past my prime. Comedy writer. Handyman.
Oh gosh. I would be a terrific audio book reader because I just know that I am super good at reading things out loud. And also I’d be a really good writer because my parents and teachers tell me I have really good “voice” in my writing and I like reading things other people wrote.
Librivox.org! I will listen to you read audio books to me. Especially if you work on adding to the Wodehouse collection and not just recording the 11 millionth version of Pride and Prejudice.
Rallisaurus beat me to the “benevolent dictator” response so I’m going to go with Highly Sought-After Backup Singer so I could tour with all the amazing rock stars but not be in the spotlight all the time. Or do all that work. Concerts are exhausting enough to *watch*.
I get a lot of Sea World ads targeted at me on twitter, maybe because I once tweeted about watching Blackfish on Netflix? The ads tell me “not to believe activist hype.” I am a professionally employed activist. Sea World needs to work on their ad targeting.
I seriously think I would be great at hand to hand combat even though I am small and frail with no skills whatsoever. But anytime I think about conflict I can SO EASILY picture disabling someone using only my fists and maybe my feet, and how stunned and awed everyone would be.
I also think I’d be a good audio book reader, because everyone in my old World of Warcraft guild said I had the best voice. I think they hoped I’d do phone sex though, and I don’t know how I could do that without giggling the whole time or getting distracted. “What? Oh, yes, baby, I totally am just licking my way…. hey! Cat! Hey! No, don’t eat that. God I need to repaint my nails…”
I like to imagine I would be good at hand-to-hand combat, but my husband is actually trained in close-quarter combat and we’ll play-wrestle and it takes him the most laughably tiny amount of effort to totally pin me down and disable me. And he keeps teaching me extremely basic moves like “how to escape this certain kind of grip” and I can’t remember them for a day, so despite my secret dream of being an amazing ninja ass-beater, I think I would probably just do a lot of screaming.
Flying a helicopter. Pretty sure I just have “the touch”.
I keep thinking that my brothers and our old neighbor and I could put together a really great folk rock band. Trouble is, not a one of us can sing, and aside from the neighbor (who is pretty great at bass guitar) we’re all mediocreish at best on our instruments.
At least I can dream…
Stunt car driver. It looks like fun. I could do all those “Do not attempt” maneuvers in the car ads. I think I would be good at it and even told my husband so one time. (He gave me A Look.) However, I recently backed my truck over the hood of someone’s Honda.
Also playing piano, though I’ve never played an instrument.
sounds like a good stunt though…
Yeah…it was on purpose…yeah, yeah, that’s it…I planned it that way, it just looked like an accident.
Badminton.
I know someone who went to the Olympics for badminton! She is mortal! it is possible!
I recently claimed that I would be really great in a hostage situation, were I ever to be kidnapped in a foreign country. I have no idea where this notion comes from– I’m miserable with the smallest deprivations, not to mention the constant threat of death. But I have a deep conviction that I would handle being kidnapped perfectly.
Corporate motivational speaking.
Dictator.
I’d be good on the radio, I think. The few interviews I ‘ve had I didn’t sound horrible. People are always saying I should do voice overs and commercials, so OF COURSE I know if I only just tried, I’d be a star, right? I’m pretty good at painting, and baking, so also a pastry chef /artist?
Stunt woman! Like for skills that actors don’t necessarily have, not so much car crashes. I have been thinking about this since I saw The World Is Not Enough, and realized I would do an excellent job skiing for Sophie Marceau. And I can ride horses and fight a bit. Seriously, if I could figure out how to make that happen, I would totally be an amazing stunt woman.
Being a BNF in any fandom.
My secret fantasy is that I am one of those people who can just tell when someone is lying or can tell what they’re secretly thinking or whatever, like the Mentalist, and that I will use this knowledge in some kind of high-pressure security context. In reality: no, wow, no. I’d probably just end up convinced that the terrorist thought my pants looked too tight and didn’t want to be friends with me at all.
Archery. I have evidence from many occasions that I am a terrible archer (or markswoman of any kind) but I really really FEEL like a good archer. See also: boxer, knife fighter, astronaut, martial artist of any kind and drummer.
I am completely certain that I would be a great sous chef in a fancy restaurant. The problem is that I cook very little and am filled with rage and disbelief every time I see a recipe with more than 6 ingredients.
Corporate spy. I mean, maybe just spy in general? I was told in middle school by the weirdest substitute teacher ever that I was equally right-left brained after he read my palm. (And looked exactly like one of the cast members of Who’s Line Is It Anyway?) He said that would make me a good detective. I took that one step further to corporate spy. I can blend in anywhere, I am totally unmemorable when I want to be, I am unfailingly polite and can pass for well dressed (but not too well dressed) and the right mix of homely and attractive that renders you invisible. Combine that with gobs of knowledge about stupid corporate rules/above average computer skills that would easily allow me to hack the computer passwords of old execs and their barely competent assistants, and I’m set.
If only you could somehow post about such a thing on Craigslist. How DO you get hired in such a capacity?
A dancer. I would truly love to be in musicals, but am realistic enough about my singing ability (I can sing, but don’t have a brilliant solo voice)…but dancing, that’s where I’m convinced that I have so much grace and natural rhythm that I could totally be an amazing dancer…in reality, I think I peaked in my jazz ballet class, aged 8.
I’d clearly be good at either running a magical kingdom, or handling vast sums of money.
Even though I wouldn’t want to actually kill anyone I think I would be good at being a sniper.
Me too! I also think if I set my mind to it I would be excellent at the biathlon (an Olympic event that intersperses cross-country skiing and shooting targets). Basically any kind of occupation where shooting things is key.
Holophonor!
If I had grown up in Minnesota or Wisconsin or some other terrible frozen state and my parents were considerably more wealthy so that we could afford the equipment, I would have been this countries top ranked female hockey player. I KNOW this.
I have ice skated twice in my life.
1) intelligence officer
2) rock climber
3) lifestyle / look at me and my perfect family / my life is awesome and I eat only amazing food that I make myself and my hair is so shiny blogger
4) Nicole Curtis, Rehab Addict (OBSESSED WITH THIS SHOW)
NOBODY COULD POSSIBLY BE BETTER AT BEING NICOLE CURTIS THAN NICOLE CURTIS
fair enough. But I still feel like I could give it a good go. Less blonde, less perky, but I could totally get an A for effort. If I knew how to undertake even the simplest of home repairs, of course. . .
Oh, and I’d obviously be the best race car driver. Hands down. Plus, who wouldn’t be excited to have a super odd lesbian race car driver winning all the races. I would give Vettel the finger, and give Kimi Raikonnen lots of ice cream.
I think I would be a great rally car driver, because of how I lived in the mountains for a couple years and drive around corners and on dirt roads, sometimes up to 10 mph above the speed limit!
onymous also wants to rally. ok. let’s do this! Toast Rally drivers club!
I skidded one time on dirt, and i *totally* counter-steered. i’m ready.
I totally wanted to take a rally driving class last summer, but then Mr. Fringehead lost his job (it’s like $500). Maybe this summer! But then if I was bad at it I wouldn’t be able to fantasize about it anymore.
we have this amazing track here that does 70+ mph asphalt go-carting for 20 bucks a session. they also let you drive your own car or rent a scca miata for like a couple hundred bucks for a day. i’ve only done the carting though.
I want to rally too!
I’m good with a stick shift.
(Is that even important?)
I sincerely FEEL that if I really put my mind to it I wouldn’t be good at anything. Any even trivial success is a lie. No matter how well I do at things I really FEEL like I am secretly terrible.
You, my friend, have imposter syndrome. How do I know? Because I read an article here which VERY TRUTHFULLY told ME that I am the ONLY PERSON who is an actual imposter, and that everyone else just thinks that they are.
CIA operative, rich patroness of new artists while also producing art on my own, lady knight.
I’ve always just assumed that had I chosen to go into law instead of medicine, I would have FOR SURE been a super intense, terrifyingly driven corporate attorney. Not like Legally Blonde style, where she is kind and genuinely wants to help people, but the kind of person who is only in it for the money and status. This is especially laughable given my choice to go into one of the most do-gooder medical specialties there is.
Also, I just know I would make an excellent ballerina if given ample practice time/instruction, despite the fact that I was kicked out of my beginner ballet kinesiology class in college due to my inability to “position appropriately at the barre.” I tried SO hard, y’all.
I’d make a great game show contestant. I’m so good at playing Jeopardy along with the TV.
CRIME MATRIARCH or an old timey lady gangster
despite the fact that i’m a profoundly law-abiding person and get anxious about even trivial rule-breaking
Standup comic. Comedy writer. Structured funny person doing a thing. I’m only actually funny in spontaneous situations, though, which rarely happen when you live alone and work from home and know nobody locally. But I remain convinced that there is a font of hilarity tucked down in my sock which will someday be set free and oh, how you’ll all laugh then.
I am convinced that if I just worked up the motivation and money for Rosetta Stone or something, I’d be an ace at any language I wanted to learn. This is in spite of not becoming anywhere close to fluent after 6 years of French classes and 2 semesters of Italian. But my teacher once told me I had an excellent accent, so I figure I’m basically halfway there.
FOR INSTANCE! I was very amused and impressed with myself for understanding all the words in this, which is French word vomit: http://the-toast.net/2013/08/07/french-toast/. So, fluent.
I really think that if I just tried a little bit I would be a excellent Bruce-Lee/Buffy style martial artist who can kick people’s heads off their bodies and effortlessly flip myself through the air. The fact that I have the upper body strength of an al dente noodle, no pain tolerance, and no killer instinct at ALL is not important, because I just assume that if I decided to try then I would immediately get those things.
I’ve had the feeling lately that I could do really well for myself if I relocated to the South, like to Texas or the Carolinas, despite the fact that I’ve lived in Canada my entire life and I’m obsessed with being Canadian, heat is the single worst thing that has ever happened me every single summer, the very sight of guns will send me running and screaming from a room, I have never met a Republican and I secretly think they don’t exist, I don’t understand the appeal of country music and the culture surrounding it, and I have never been able to suppress the urge to imitate a deep Southern accent which would make me approximately no friends.
This desire is 90% based on the fact that Friday Night Lights is the best TV show ever, and 10% based on the one time I saw a movie partially set in North Carolina and it looked, like, really pretty.
you’d probably do just fine in Austin. apparently i sound canadian to everyone, and i don’t get routinely pushed into lockers or ponds at all
Also, graphic designer. I feel like if I just sat down with Photoshop and some great quote, I could make some gorgeous-ass typographic things that would blow up on Pinterest every day.
I’m late to this, but I am convinced that I would win a fight with anyone. Like, I have been waiting for a good excuse to like SERVE VENGEANCE on some dude because I really feel like I could take pretty much anyone down.
Also, photography.
Drag.
If I wasn’t so damn short.
If I were suddenly unencumbered by guilt, remorse, or conscience, I would apparently make a most excellent sociopathic manipulator and murderer.
Wait, stay with me.
It’s become something of a joke (insert nervous laughter here) between me and my husband how often – and in what elaborate detail – I point out the missteps of murderers and other archvillains (on TV, in movies, in real-crime stories) as they commit them, and it usually take me a split-second to construct new plans that seem a great deal less prone to failure.
And then I’ll sit and think about those plans, probing them for points of failure or breach. And then we laugh. And then The Fella looks nervous. And then we laugh some more.
Sometimes it’s just me who laughs the second time.
Seconded. I love taking fictional criminal masterplans and removing the stupid mistakes that would get them caught. My friends regularly agree that if anyone we know turns up *missing* they’ll know it was me. I also think I’d get away with so much because I’ve looked like a 12 year-old girl for about 16 years now.
I think I could be really good at shooting–either a gun or a bow-and-arrow.
Writing articles and making friends
Being a Witch Queen.
Being a Fairy Queen.
Just being Queen really.
Also minority reporting. Specifically Tom Cruise’s hand-wavey computer job.
i’ve never been called on to do it (thankfully!!!!) but i for SOME REASON think i’d be really good at giving a eulogy?
like it’s not entirely baseless, i was a semi-enthusiastic public speaker when i was in high school. i’m not 100% confident that giving massively sarcastic five minute speeches about the foils of modern fashion to an audience of the nervous parents of my competitors translates to being able to give a eulogy
I’ve always had this fantasy of taking flying lessons and being a natural hotshot pilot, when in reality I’m scared of heights and have bad eyesight and Meniere’s, so they probably wouldn’t even let me near the cockpit.
I have always felt I’d be a great author. Of something. Now, I haven’t written anything longer than a research paper in almost 20 years and I am not heavy with imagination, but MAN I would be a good author.
Also, I’m permanently convinced I’m one viral joke or helping of gumption away from internet humor fame. Like, one day there will be the elusive Twitter or Tumblr post that just goes bonkers and somehow this will translate into followers and money.
I secretly think I could be a Top Commenter on a website. >_>
i’d be good at [REDACTED]
The handler of an internet famous cat. I don’t know why this feels like such an achievable goal, but I really feel like any minute now my cat is going to go viral.*
*There are no pictures of my cat on the internet.
Dancing. Isn’t this everyone? Like, I LOVE dance movies, and I am deeply, profoundly convinced that if I had a fascinating internal conflict and a stage (or a battle) I would be able to dance so beautifully/awesomely (different genres of dance movie, you see). However, I have HAD opportunities to showcase my dancing talent, and it has been persistently proven that I have a terrible sense of rhythm and the things I imagine my body doing are never the things that it is in fact doing, which are absurd if not horrifying.
Like I said, I think this is a delusion that a LOT of people share.
I would be an excellent Ranger, in the manner of Dungeons and Dragons.
Despite not being great at any particular musical instrument, I really think I could make a great studio musician. Then I would work my way up to producer and then I would start my own studio and then I would go bankrupt because that’s not how music works anymore, but it would be a good ride.
THE SAME THING AS YOU, MALLORY! But I don’t have my idea. When the Feminist Taylor Swift came out I felt like I really could have come up with it first, if only I’d tried harder.
My other thing I secretly always thought I would be good at is standup comedy…and I’m about to find out if I’m right EEK
I was born to name makeup and clothing colors.
I’d also be a really good biathelete, because I’m an oddly good shooter (though I shoot cock-eyed, which means I’d need a specially sighted rifle; that would be a great human-interest angle for my Olympics video package) and the other part is basically walking fast on skis, which I’m also pretty good at (or was, the one time I tried it).
Parenting: I love to second-guess my friends’ parenting choices, ignoring the fact that if they fall short in any way it’s because they’re zombified by the average 3.5 hours’ sleep they’ve been getting for the past three years. As it is I’m sort of the Mary Poppins who drops in to charm them with my sunny yet firm approach to discipline, my Instagram feeds, and my ability to make an epic event of snacking on apples, then leaves them screaming wrecks just in time for bed. Not really. Maybe sometimes.
Drawing: I love to think that if I actually drew every day I’d be a brilliant artist. Why this brilliance has never manifested itself so far… wait, is that a spider up in the corner?
Three-legged races: I killed every three-legged race I ever ran as a kid. If three-legged races for adults with very short legs were an Olympic event, I’d be a gold medalist.
Just from watching Leonardo DiCaprio lie to people on the phone in Wolf of Wall Street, I feel like I would actually be really good at selling people shitty stock in the 80s. 90s? 90s. But only on like, phones with cords and lots of actual buttons. I don’t think I could sell convincingly on an iphone.
Additionally, hip-hop choreography.
Hip-hop choreography! Good one!
I think I could be a very good group exercise teacher, particularly with step aerobics (where the choreography would come in)
If I had been born in another time, I think I’d have made an excellent pirate, Anne Bonny style.
I also secretly believe I’d have been a silent movie star in the teens a la Mary Pickford.
Another secret voiceover artist here. Checking out LibriVox now…
ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE-ING
(I wear contacts, and have terrible allergies, and hypoglycemia, I decided I hated camping on a Girl Scout trip when I was 9 yrs old and never looked back, I am terrified of “critters” in all forms and have never SEEN a gun a real life, but somehow, I KNOW ID MAKE IT)
SPACE PIRACY MALLORY
photography.
BUT.
This is based on a few people telling me I take good pictures, even with a shitty camera phone! I’m trying to get a decent camera second-hand so I can spend a bit of time practicing, and if I enjoy it/do well, I’ll see about taking a photography course.
Low-level mafioso thug. I’m good at taking directions and could probably fake a new jersey accent for the rest of my life. More importantly, thanks to grad school I know there’s a part of me that would really enjoy smashing kneecaps.
I wouldn’t want to be upper management in the mafia, though. It seems like a too much responsibility. All Tony ever did was put out fires and lecture people.
Surviving in the woods with just a machete and my wits. I would be an expert lone hunter-gatherer with a stout shelter of pine branches lashed together, rabbit roasting over a blazing fire and a crop of wild wheat growing all within about half an hour, despite the fact that it is about 15 years since I even spent a night in a tent, and then I didn’t like it much.
If there were other people with me in the woods I would reluctantly but expertly shoulder the burden of being their chief.
Midwifery (even though I faint at the sight of blood); BMX racing.
This list includes:
-being a reference librarian
-being the person who works in hotels who tells you where to go when visiting OR being an airBnB hostess
-handspinning and dying my own artisanal yarn
-being a jewelry maker
-being a lady blacksmith in the Olden Days (I mean, blacksmiths kind of transcend all cultures)
-kung fu (if only I had started at age 4!)
The first two options come out of my love of telling people about things I know or helping connect people to other resources (which is honestly at the core of my career, I just took a more social justice-y bend); the three afterwards come out of a love of craftiness and my tendencies to try to get something just right, in spite of my inability to finish many projects. The last one probably comes from growing up and watching the occasional kung fu movie. I’ve always wanted to be a physical badass.
I’m kind of delighted and sympathize with all of the folks who think they could secretly be good at sports. I believed that once upon a time as well, until I started playing sports at age 19. The dream of being good at field sports died about three, four years ago for me. I am currently having a really good run of progressing in my powerlifting, but I’ve been resigned to the fact that maybe at best, I might go to nationals one day. Like, when I hit 35 and suddenly all of the qualifying totals drop because you’re now physically “old.”
Being a Broadway performer. I know I can sing, and I know I can follow most basic dance steps pretty well once I learn them, but I’ve never really been super keen on the part where you audition and put yourself out in front of audiences to show of those particular skills, and I almost always chickened out and ended up playing in the pit orchestra instead (yes all my experiences of even considering this as a legit avenue for myself were in high school).
I mean I was damn good at the pit orchestra thing, too, but I always really wanted to be on stage. In a major role. I THINK I’D BE A REALLY GOOD ELLE WOODS, OKAY. CURVY AND BRILLIANT AND STOMPING ALL OVER WARNER LIKE HE DESERVES.
There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true enjoyment of music than myself, or a better natural taste. If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.
Women CAN sing falsetto and only horrible sexist anti-science singing teachers from the 1960s disagree! Wikipedia says so.
but do you really want to try, look at this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Vocal_fold_fals…
disgusting and hypnotic
-Being a werewolf
-Sailing a tall ship
-Space fighter pilot
-Virtuoso of 10,000 instruments
-Hand-to-hand combat
-Middle-earth resident
I’ve always thought I would make a good pilot- you know, like for commercial airplanes. I’ve never put much effort into finding out what it would actually take, but I’m pretty sure being in the air force is usually involved, which I would be terrible at because I’m bad with authority, anti-military, and a lazy, cushy liberal arts marshmallow person with bad coordination and worse team spirit.
Still, they have those nice uniforms, and I’ve always wanted to be a glamorous female pilot bashing through the sexism in a male-dominated career field and traveling all over the world.
I should mention that I am also not the least bit glamorous.
I would definitely be a good nun, even though I am not Catholic. And hate getting up early.
I would also be an amazing surgeon, I just wouldn’t want the hours and responsibility of being a doctor.
ALSO! I know I could be an amazing acoustic guitar player and folk singer, even though every time I try to learn how to play the guitar I get fed up after a while, and my voice is only fair-to-middling.
If I were a bad person, I’d be a fake psychic/medium/John Edwards talking to the dead-inator. I’d be really good at that. But I wouldn’t do it because I have scruples. Well, I have A scruple. Just that one, really, the one scruple.
Private investigator
Shepherd. In Scotland. Despite being neither Scottish nor very experienced in the ways of sheep. But I just know I could walk the heather covered hills all day with my trusty thermos of tea and package of biscuits and care for my flock like no one’s business.
One time I woke up convinced that if I picked up my father’s mandolin, I would be able to play it proficiently. That disappointment taught me never to test my irrational convictions in my own abilities.
I figured this out today, and then forgot, and then remembered again. Romance novel writing. Even though I don’t actually like writing all that much. But I’m totally convinced I could do it.
math, drums
I’m pretty convinced I could be an Olympic-level fencer. Does it matter that I only ever had a semester of fencing? Does it matter that I was mediocre at best? Does it matter that I am now over 30? NO! I will cut you down to size with my foil!
I’m also pretty sure I’m hilarious, based mainly on conversations held within my own mind.
You're clearly secretly AMAZING if you can transform ordinary mortal men into Prince Valiant! Don't sell yourself short.
This one makes me both sad. And jealous. Sleeping shouldn't take skill.
whittling.
Playing the bassoon! I am a string player, I have no idea how reeds work, and I don't think I can even change the pitch on a wind instrument. But I am convinced that I could rock the house on bassoon.
Killing people. But I’m not that type to hurt others, though the technical challenges of planning and getting away is the fun part to ponder.