(The Toast does not actually support armchair diagnoses of personality disorders.)
I recently found myself reading an infomative article about cat bites in The New York Times. Cat bites, of course, being incredibly dangerous and prone to infection and hideously painful, as your vet and your doctor and the webby part between your thumb and forefinger can tell you.
(I have a cat, I am fond of her, she cares nothing for me, but there you have it. I like to stay informed.)
And then, I came to the comments section. Allow me to break it down for you into categories.
I. Did You Know That There Are Bad Things in the World Other Than Cats?
1. “any cut in the skin from an infected item either it is a cat or a piece of metal or a piece of wood can cause damage…and infection lets not spread fear towards our feline friends…infections can be cause from whatever is contaminated.”
2. “As an additional note, human bites have exactly the same impact as feline bites.”
3. ”Meanwhile, our lives are becoming more disconnected from anything other than machines and other people. Has anyone studied the dangerous health effects of that?”
4. “Be careful you don’t get hit by a bus crossing the street to get to the ER after that cat bite!”
5. “Yes, some cats are crazy, just like some dogs, gerbils, raccoons, and members of the House of Representatives.”
6. “Still, I think it should be kept in mind, if people think this dangerous bite can be held against cats, human bites are far worse.”
7. “We don’t live in a risk free world, although many of us feel we should.”
8. “If you think cats are dangerous, climate change will cause a lot more human suffering and loss of human life; climate risks are much greater.”
9. “I’d rather be bitten by a cat than by most people I know.”
10. “There’s a valid point here and this is a legitimate topic. But why so little about consequences of OTHER animals’ bites?”
11. “The real fear, which almost everyone seems to ignore, is climate change.”
12. “Next article: “Beware of baby bites”.”
II. You Brought This On Yourself
1. “Just as in human to human relationships, you need to know your partner, be aware, understanding, and behave in such a way that you are more likely to receive kisses rather than trips to the ER.”
2. ”the main dangers of infection come from our own skin and failure to get the proper vaccines both for ourselves and our animals.”
3. “The lesson here is not the seriousness of cat bites, but rather your failure to get regular tetanus shots.”
4. “The reason of most cat bites is that people don’t understand cat “language”. Most cats give many warnings before they actually bite. Learn to listen/read your cat.”
5. “I don’t think people understand how to approach a cat and when to know to stop petting it. You never just immediately start petting a cat, any more than you would give stranger in the street a hug.”
6. “How would you like it if a person kept insisting on giving you a creepy neckrub? It’s the same thing.”
7. “People who know cat’s don’t start to pet a cat. Also cats (even your own cat) will tolerate just so much petting. Best to keep away and say, ‘nice kitty’.”
8. “Cats eyes dilate when they are interested in something (that bird outside the window), stressed, frightened or angry. Watch your cat’s eyes to see how it is feeling toward what’s going on. When my children were young, i always told them, “When the cats get Big Eyes, move away!””
9. “Don’t provoke your kitty! FELINES rule!”
10. “Also, unless it is an identifiably mean cat, cats don’t bite you unless they have a reason, like being terrified of something and trying to get away while you are holding them and you are not quick enough or smart enough to let go.”
11. “It doesn’t sound as if this house is a friendly or healthy place for them.”
12. “People who get bitten by cats are probably doing something cats don’t like. People need to smarten up.”
13. “Furthermore, having seen patients come into the ED with serious cat bites, all were young males that had questionable backgrounds and rather unbelievable stories. I’m not saying that everyone with a serious cat bite was abusing or provoking a cat, but all 8 of the cases I saw were extremely suspicious.”
14. “I hope you realize how vey lucky you were to even SEE a snow leopard.”
III. It’s Actually My Own Fault
1. ”I’ve learned when it’s time to stop being playful.”
2. “My present cat gives me very diplomatic warnings (very light chewing on my arm or hand with those needlesharp canines) if I make contact with the “wrong” part of his body.”
3. “I’ve had cats since childhood and had a few serious bites, always because I inadvertently scared the cat.”
4. “I made the mistake of being too aggressive with a neighborhood stray, and spent 5 days in the hospital and got six rabies injections for my lapse in judgement. The rabies shots are no big deal anymore; just six shots in the arm over a period of 28 days.”
IV. WHAT
1. “What my vet called “Redirected aggression” led my cat to bite my right thumb, through the carpal bone, marrow and joint. He was in a screened window staring down an outside cat. 5 trips to the E.R. led to 4 days in the hospital to find the best I.V. antibiotic. Then a catheter was put in my left arm ending 2 inches from my heart. For 70 contiguous days I visited the hospital for infusion of the I.V. antibiotic. After several years, I have 2 fused bones in the thumb (after 2 surgeries).”
2. “I have a crazy, lovable cat who bites every now and then. Most of my friends are afraid of her. We all respect her. She bit one friend on the veiny part of her hand and that friend had to have the IV drip and take home antibiotics. But the rest of us, and I’d say there have been at least 15 bleeding bites in all, have not required medical attention. I think for the sake of balance this is worth mentioning!”
3. “I bent to pick her up and “Isabelle” chomped me between my thumb and index finger. Fearful that she might get away, I didn’t let go of her and she bit down this time for real, sinking her teeth deep into my hand. I still didn’t let go, but she was satisfied and offered no further violence. I bled, but wasn’t too concerned. By the next day, I knew I had a problem. My hand had filled with fluid and if I turned it in any way, all the fluid would flow from one side of my hand to the other quite painfully.”
4. “Fast forward 40 years and I’m bitten on the arm with a friend’s house cat – never out of the apartment. He just hung there on my arm by his teeth while I tried to shake him off. Lots of blood to clean up, some pain, but didn’t think anything of it. When I spoke to my husband that night (a medical practioner), he told me I had to get on antibiotics. I scoffed. The next morning, I woke up in pain with a red line going up my arm.”
5. “I have been bitten many times by our declawed cat, Mr. Big. But only when another cat is crying and he believes I am the cause of the other cat’s distress.”
6. “The first time he bit me occurred while I was recovering from open heart surgery and still on coumadin, He got me in the tush, ruining my jeans.”
7. “My husband and I have been to the ER three times in our 26 year marriage, all three due to cat bites or scratches. The first time our cat, Cleo, nicked the inside of my eyelid with his claw and being allergic, my eye swelled close. The second time, our cat, Sammy, bite my husbands thumb and 2 days later his hand was twice it’s normal size and he was on IV antibiotics for several hours.”
8. “Yes, I was bitten on the right hand, fangs into the top and bottom of my index finger’s large knuckle and claws down the hand and the wrist. Cat scratch fever and infection set in and the hand swelled to twice the size. The surgery to clean, inspect, drain and repair the wounds and the tendons cost $12,000…ten years ago.”
9. “If you have a heart valve problem, or a heart valve transplant, you need to be especially careful of cat bites. My husband almost died from a cat bite, which gave him bartonella and infected his aortic heart valve, which had to be replaced again. He was bitten by a cat at the Humane Society, but we didn’t know for months that it had caused a problem until his heart began throwing clots and destroyed part of a kidney and a vein in his leg as well as the transplanted cow valve.”
10. “my healthy, vaccinated cat bit me on the hand after something startled him. I ended up in the hospital for three days getting intravenous antibiotics to stop the skin infection, “cellulitis,” from going into my blood and turning to sepsis.”
11. “The bite was deep and the wound was spurting blood all over the carpet. Jumped into the shower and washed it with Betadine. Within two hours, the bag of my leg was solid black and before it was done, it looked like someone had taken a football, cut it lengthwise, painted it black and pasted it to the back of my thigh. Had bright red lines leading up my leg toward my torso which indicated the infection was traveling north. Needless to say, we got to the emergency room fast where they instantly started intravenous antibiotics. As the E.R. doctors reminded me, “if you hadn’t have come in you were going to die”.”
12. “I wound up in the ER twice with cat bites from my cat. The second time, she was laying on my desk on top of some papers I needed to get to. I pulled one of the papers out as slowly and carefully as I could so as not to disturb her, and she bit me on the hand hard. I wound up in the hospital 3 nights with IV antibiotics as my hand swelled way up and took 3 days to go down.”
13. “My run-in with a feral about a decade ago when it broke into my basement through a coal window reflects this data. Once caught, it was like holding a tiny chainsaw and my wounds reflected such. I was spirited away to the ER where the attending told me that cat bites are much like being injected with fecal matter, and even with all the precautions taken in the ER including the first of the rabies series and injections of antibiotics to the wounds themselves, I still ended up a few days later on a regimen of IV antibiotics in order to save my life (or at least my limbs). It took at least a year to regain the full range of motion and strength in my right thumb that was mangled particularly badly.”
14. “My cat hurled himself against the sreen door, howling and stating to break through the screen. Silly me grabbed him to try to pry him loose when his head whipped around and he bit me three times on the wrist. Two hours later I was in the ER, soaking my twice normal sized wrist in Epsom salts, then receiving an antibiotic injection and finally released with a prescrition for more antibiotics. It took three days for the swelling to go down. The ER physician said that I was lucky to have come in quickly-otherwise would have had to be admitted.”
15. “Now I have a youngish cat who is the first real “biter” I every had. He bites and hisses when he doesn’t want to be moved, and sometimes he bites when he is being ignored. I drench every bite with hydrogen peroxide, and so far none of his bites over the last 4 years or so has caused infection.”
16. “Two days ago my cat bit my nose while I was asleep. Made it bleed.”
V. Cat Bites Aren’t That Bad, You Pussy (See What I Did There?)
1. “as an active volunteer in cat rescue org. ive been bitten several times…none had caused me skin infection”
2. “Remember that the study examined people who went to the hospital with a cat bite — obviously these people are already suffering.”
3. “I have had cats all my life, and I have been bitten and scratched (never a deep bite, but enough to draw blood). I wash the bite/scratch and put some polysporin on it, and I have never had an infection.”
4. “This was hardly a random sample of people bitten by cats. All of the subjects had already decided to go to the hospital to have the bite examined, so they probably had serious bites to begin with.”
5. “Serious infections from cat bites are unusual.”
6. “You’re still alive, standing and able to write a comment, I’d say stop worrying!”
VI. This Whole Article Is Alarmist Anti-Cat Propaganda and Will Kill Innocent Cats
1. “This strikes me as just another overblown, alarmist article that conjures up fear about nature and animals. I wonder how many people will get rid of their cat, or reconsider having a cat based on information like this?”
2. “my first thought after reading Mr. Bakalar’s article was Oh,my God now we are going to have a big problem with the already over crowded animal shelters.”
3. “Mr. Bakalar’s article is very interesting with all his facts, but to me it also sends out a very negative message that cats are to be avoided and just get a dog.”
4. “Never the less-I think this is a “vilify the cat” article.”
5. “I wonder if the anger (or fear) level of the cat that was biting was taken into consideration for this study? Obviously an angry or frightened cat will tend to sink its teeth and claws in deeper so as to deposit that bacteria in its bite to a out of reach place that can’t easily be cleaned where it’s more certain to grow and cause infection.”
6. “This article is unnecessarily inflamatorry, particularly with what seems like an epidemic of incidences of cat torturing, cat poisoning, cat murders in the five boroughs of nyc.”
7. “I have seldom read such a bizarre, extremist article and the comments about it are no less peculiar.”
8. “The only thing this article may accomplish is to make people dislike or mistrust of our friends, housecats.”
9. “And what about the “victims” (a loaded term, that?) who required NO medical or hospital aid? Seems like skewed numbers, as this info stands now.”
10. “Yet another Well blurb encouraging paranoia over a relatively mundane occurrence.”
VII. MRAs Show Up Where You Least Expect Them
1. “My vet compared that to hugging a badly PMS-ing woman. She may like you, but she’ll become very moody and impatient with you for no apparent reason.”
2. “A real man won’t share his space with a cat. Any man who will is whipped, period. Dogs are a man’s natural companion, right after women. Cats are parasitic vermin, that no real man will tolerate. Cats are one step above rodents on the food chain, and are a huge disease vector.”
VIII. Cat Names Referenced
1. Robespierre
2. Isabelle
3. Tom Cat Guy
4. Mr. Big
5. Cleo
6. Sammy
7. Ally
8. Mookie Wilson
9. Oliver
Tags: animals, comments sections, PUT YOUR CAT DOWN, stockholm syndrome
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“I still didn’t let go, but she was satisfied and offered no further violence. I bled, but wasn’t too concerned. By the next day, I knew I had a problem. My hand had filled with fluid and if I turned it in any way, all the fluid would flow from one side of my hand to the other quite painfully.””
OMGGGGGG. “offered no further violence.” I had a hella violent cat as a kid, so I recognize all these sentiments but have grown and with the help of a capable therapist become a dog person since then.
When will someone interview the cats?!?!?!
“Fuck humans, seriously.” – Cats
Cat being interviewed: *lazily opens one eye* Whaddaya want? I’m a cat.
wait why is no one focusing on the fact that that description of her cat-wound is HORRIFYING
That was one of the worst out of a spectacularly horrifying list. Now I’m freaking out about cats in combination with my ongoing terror about the rise of antibiotic-resistant infections.
That was when I was sure my appetite was 100% gone.
The wording puts me in mind of those souvenir pens with the liquid and things inside them that you tilt back and forth for no reason? So soothing. So – not too horrified by the description.
people are weird about animals
This just in: Cats Terrible
You got a better plan to guarantee that picking shit out of sand will be a daily activity?
Get rid of them, seriously, they are disgusting.
Paging Jolie Kerr to the thread.
Can I write “LOL” because I literally did? And add a #3: my deepest cat bite came from my trying to pill an elderly Siamese too forcibly, poor gal. Oral antibiotics took care of the infection, though I felt real Dickensian bringing it to the doc.
My childhood cat Olive was a violent animal who showed affection through regular maulings. SHe believed I was her kitten and regularly deposited half dead mice on me and batted me when I didn’t chase them. I have scratch scars on my mouth from her, and once she bit my dad so hard he has scars to this day.
We justified it by reminding each other she’d had a traumatic kitten hood, and had been rejected by her mother.
Oh my sweet tapdancing Lord this is AMAZING. 1. What is wrong with most comment sections other than the Toast??? 2. Is nothing immune from the argument “well this thing is bad but what about THIS OTHER BAD THING HUH????” 3. Is there no place on the internet that is not infiltrated by rogue MRA people? 4. Your cat has bitten SIXTEEN PEOPLE to bleeding?????? And this is a good ratio?????????
Nothing is immune to that argument. Not even good things, though for good things it gets shortened to “But what about THIS BAD THING?”
How can you be so concerned about other sites’ comments sections when there is genocide in the world?
Why are you so concerned about aravisthequeen’s concern when climate change is a far greater risk than all of these things?
Are you honestly telling me that because some skyscrapers will have waves lapping at their lobbies decades from now that you don’t at all care about WARLORDS who are RAPING AND PILLAGING and using CHILD SOLDIERS to KILL ENTIRE VILLAGES this very minute?
Because if those are honestly your priorities, if that’s the kind of thing that you think is MORE IMPORTANT, well, I just can’t even with you.
Climate change will leave millions without clean water and shelter and kill so many more than your petty genocides …. I’m sorry, I could go on, but I’m just laughing too hard. I will never reach the heights of a person who can leave comments about climate change on an article about cat bites.
I feel like all of this is just a giant smokescreen distracting us from the importance of the Diva Cup.
Let’s talk about pubic hair, though.
I think my failure to feel those depths of passion speak to a hole in my soul, frankly. A better, a nobler, a more altruistic person would insert her rants about climate change / genocide / GMOs into every conversation, no matter the original topic.
Goodness, no! Your soul is entire and lovely. To be good, noble and altruistic about ones passions means sharing them with gentleness (despite the urgency one may feel), so that people can take in the message and not immediately throw up defenses. To see the opposite approach, just look at all the twatty vegans on my FB feed.
Regarding point #3 – I think it is no coincidence that there is only one letter of difference between MRAs and MRSA.
There’s a quote floating around tumblr that goes something like “Can’t remember the difference between MRAS and MRSA? One is a horrible plague on humanity that cannot be eradicated through conventional means… and the other is methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus.”
I am intrigued by the multiple mentions of human bites, but mostly: da fuq?
what, you mean you DON’T regularly bite other humans when you feel threatened (or annoyed, or bored, or…)? people these days.
Right. I’m sure human mouths are filthy, but are these people living with humans who bite them so hard it bleeds? That’s not easy to do with human teeth. Also, personally, I would reconsider my decision to live with any humans who did that.
“The rabies shots are no big deal anymore; just six shots in the arm over a period of 28 days.”
JUST????!!!?!?!?
Also, I’m gonna quote John Finnemore here: “Dogs love us and want us to do well. Cats are indifferent to us and don’t care if we die.”
Actually pretty sure my cats are eagerly waiting for me to die so they can get to my delicious organs.
I mean, compared to getting stabbed in the gut by a harpoon-sized needle, yes, that’s a good change, BUT THAT IS STILL A LOT OF SHOTS
I once met a kid who bragged to me about getting rabies. (From a fox, not a cat.)
I am so intrigued by this. How was that kid alive? Radiolab told me that doctors only discovered a way to save (a few) people once they developed rabies a few years ago. Did he get bitten by a probably-rabid animal and then got the shots? Is he a medical miracle?? Inquiring minds need to know!
I am likt 90% sure he made the whole story up for attention, and then had to get the shots just in case. But I only met him the once, so maybe he did die, I dunno.
If you get the shot right away, it’s sometimes fine. I listened, in complete horror, to that RadioLab. My only takeaway was, Your kid gets bitten by an erratic bat in church and you “think nothing of it”? The fuck?
“the comments about it are no less peculiar.”
Mm hm.
Ugh, as someone who got a really nasty cat bite (from my indoor-only, vaccinated cat who absolutely adores me but had his tail caught in something and was freaking out) that got infected and required multiple doctor and specialist visits, several rounds of antibiotics, and warnings that amputation might be eminent if it didn’t start improving, I feel uniquely qualified to tell all these people to STFU.
My dad was once bitten by a very friendly cat he was cat sitting. His cleared up a little faster than it sounds like yours did, but his hand was giant and purple for a disturbingly long time…
Yeah, the swelling and pain were pretty unbelievable, and lasted for a really long time. And for the record, every doctor I saw told me that cats carry a bacteria in their mouths that makes their bites exponentially more likely to get infected than dog or human bites. (Again with the human bites. I guess when you’re a doctor you see some shit.)
Actually cat bites are worse because they are puncture wounds, so they poke the bacteria in their mouths — and on your skin — down deep (deeper than dog or human bites), but leave a little tiny hole that closes right up instead of letting the dirt and bacteria bleed out of you. I don’t think cat bacteria are particularly worse, it’s the tooth (and claw) shape.
Yikes.
That is all. Just YIKES.
There is something weirdly sinister about the fact that Isabelle’s name is in quotes. Why is “Isabelle’s” owner trying to protect her true identity?
There’s a reason why they’re called scare quotes!!!
When this shop opens back up, all Toasties need to get one of these as part of our misandrist uniforms: https://www.etsy.com/listing/88691969/never-read-…
“I hope you realize how very lucky you were for a snow leopard to have been the last thing you ever saw!”
This only confirms my opinion that cats are the best.
IV. 7: ” our cat, Cleo, nicked the inside of my eyelid”
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow I almost had to stop reading at that one.
YES I was going to say that’s the one that churned my stomach the most.
Yes! How does that even happen??
It Happened To Me: My mother used to pick our cats up and flip them into her arm to hold like a homicidal, claw-flailing baby. I did it once and our cat made a swing and, hey, look, his claw is in my lower eyelid! Neato! Or not. It was considerably less painful than a normal clawing on my arm, but far more scary because EYEBALL.
My cat in the morning, when I’m pretending to be asleep so she’ll leave me alone, will poke at my face gently with her paw. Repeatedly. Usually her claws are completely withdrawn, but when they get really long one of them will sometimes scratch me a little. She once got me in the eyelid, and it drew a tiny bit of blood. I cleaned it and was fine, but maybe it was something like that??
yeah, that is terrifying…I’ve only had the outside of my eyelid cut by my cat, that’s fine, right?
…
…yeah
My God. It… it never ends.
a) This is a perfectly curated collection and I love it.
b) I know I’m just buying into Cat Propaganda (and perhaps MRA plots????) but this sentence right here is why I will always and forever love dogs much more than cats: “1. I’ve learned when it’s time to stop being playful.” Like, WHEN ON EARTH WOULD A DOG INSPIRE YOU TO BE *LESS PLAYFUL*? Idk man, I just like the naked, uncomplicated joy of dogs.
My puppy is inspiring me to be less playful all the time with his incessant painful ankle biting. Makes me want to go sit my ass inside and read a book with my cats. So there’s that.
This is true, puppies are basically like babies. And dogs are very very high maintenance (physically and emotionally). The independence of most cats is a huge bonus.
Most of the dogs I love are of the Huge, Sleepy, and Affectionate variety so that is a different frame of reference. My parents’ dog, for instance, spins in circles and cries for five minutes every time I come home but then just lies down and gives me his paw over and over before he takes a two hour nap directly next to me. That’s pretty much my speed.
Dog joy is totally complicated, in that their personalities and behaviors are so responsive to their training (or lack thereof). With my cats, I have to learn to respect their individual boundaries, but with dogs, you have to spend months or years teaching them to respect yours, and what all the other rules are for them.
The training piece is an interesting point I hadn’t considered. I don’t have much cat experience (lol). At the same time, I’ve found my dog to be very intuitive to people’s needs, even in the absence of training to act that way. Like, when my grandmother walks him, he doesn’t pull at all and periodically sits down and looks back at her to “check in” since she’s slower and more fragile. (With me, he pulls like an asshole because he knows I can handle it.) He also knows when I’m depressed or sad and just presses his head into me.
I’d imagine this could get breed-specific though. Some dogs have been bred for hundreds and hundreds of years to work with humans and be attuned to their needs. The aforementioned dog is a golden retriever, which is a breed known for its sociability and social intelligence. They are real people pleasers.
So yes, lots of diversity. Did you know dogs are the most diverse mammals? I learned that from a documentary on dogs I watched. Dogs are neato.
I have a cat that’s more dog-like in this regard. He loves to be around people, but he doesn’t like to cuddle or sit on laps. But whenever my roommate or I are sad, he seems to sense it and will curl up in our laps and be really sweet. My roommate just went through a big break up, and Buddha spent all of his time either on her lap or curled up next to her. He also goes nuts when we get home from work, flopping on the ground in front of us, rolling around showing his tummy, and periodically looking up from his writhing on the floor to make sure we’re still watching him.
We have another cat who does none of these things.
ANIMALS ARE THE BEST. Buddha sounds like a little angel. Nothing — NOTHING — is better during a breakup than having a pet next to you being kind.
Yeah, same. Cats in my experience are wonderful for a calm sort of affection and love (and snuggles!), but if you want unbridled exuberance in your animal companion, safer bet is to get a dog. I’m perfectly okay admitting I need more joy in my life.
Sometimes my husband and I imitate his family dog when we want to express joy because he does this amazing full body waggle that is just perfect.
But let’s not get into the dogs vs cats thing because I have met some joyous cats in my time and some seriously unjoyous dogs. They are both awesome, cats are just more super-villainy.
I know, I was kind of encouraging the cats v. dogs things there. I have met some friendly cats and grumpy dogs in my day (though I actually kind of love grumpy dogs, especially when they are grumpy old man dogs.)
Oh no no no, I was not wanting to get into that! Just my experience and sort of wistfully imagining future!me with a pet.
It is hard to beat the joy a goldfish exhibits when you feed it. Also they hardly ever maul anyone.
Oh dear, I think my crankiness took over and I assumed The Toast was like any other website, when clearly it is not. Obviously the people here can talk about the differences between cats and dogs without stupidity. I mean, dogs love us so much it’s kind of amazing. I think my cats like me alright, but they would still probably eat me if I let them.
And even thinking about dogs brings a ridiculous amount of joy to my life. One of my hopes for the universe is that one day everyone will start asking me if I want to pet their dog. Because I always do!
All I ever want to do in the entire world is pet dogs. That’s it.
Studies show dogs will eat their owners before cats will. Some dogs have eaten the diseased toes off living owners. I mean, yes your dog probably loves you more, but I see this “my cat will eat me happily while my dog mourns” thing before, and I just gotta tell you, the research does not support it. Your cat will say, “oh well she’s dead. HOW GROSS” and resume grooming. Your dog will say, “OH MY GOD I”M SO SAD, I GUESS THERE’S NOTHING TO DO BUT EAT THIS PERFECTLY GOOD HUMAN FLESH!”
‘Do you know how lucky you are that your dead body will provide sustenance for these wonderful creatures?’
I’m amazed we didn’t see that comment…
AAAAAHH LIVE DISEASED TOE EATERS!!!!
OMG that is terrible and now I have to think of it forever and now I think I have to hate you.
To balance out the unfairness of this comment, let the record show that I have never been bitten by a cat but have a scar on my hand from when a German Shepherd bit my hand and clamped down until my hand was physically extracted from his jaws. That was neat!
However, it was his owners’ fault because they neglected to tell me that he was TAKING STEROIDS AT THE TIME THAT MADE HIM MORE AGGRESSIVE. Which is some helpful info to know before getting close to a 100 pound dog with sharp teeth.
Most of the time, cats are whatever you make them out to be. My ridiculously neurotic, mean-spirited mother has neurotic cats that bite and scratch. I keep a pretty calm exterior and have totally laid-back snugglebutts. (There are, of course, exceptions.)
But what says Larry Eisenberg, Poet Laureate of the New York Times comment section? Did he weigh in? I’ve used all my free NYT articles this month.
Clear your cache and refresh! (I know, paying for journalism is important, but right now my compromise is to cheat the paywall and then–and this is key–feel guilty about it).
These people are insane.
My cat (Edith!) has not done anything wrong & I will defend her TO THE DEATH
The worst thing Anne and Bonny do is territory-marking-pee in front of the balcony door, and waking us up at 4 in the morning with purrs and cuddles.
I’m properly horrified.
I also feel a little belligerent and self-righteous, and was all ready to denounce all of the splurting-blood victims as catmanhandlers who got what was coming to them, but then I read bitzyboozer’s comment and I retract said accusation.
Still, though. I have two sweet cats, one of whom sometimes playfully noms on my hand when I am petting her, which is gross and annoying but forgivable and I was ready to jump into that crazy comments section to defend her play-nomming to disease-ridden death. This is how it begins.
Yeah, the only time I was badly bitten by my cat was when I absolutely deserved it. But she was so incredibly mean that I warned people not to touch her, so I could legitimately imagine her mauling someone. She did once jump on a toddler’s head.
“You’re still alive, standing and able to write a comment, I’d say stop worrying!”
This is the best. Being able to comment on the internet is the only metric by which a satisfying and healthy life should be measured.
The day I stop commenting on the Toast is the day I am in the hospital with my hands swollen to grotesque purple balloons from cat bites, so this comment is 100% accurate.
An Important Safety Message: Cats Have Sharp Parts
What about the cat in your user photo? Does he bite? I doubt it. He looks so fluffy and sweet. I bet he knows the difference between right and wrong, and has a strong sense of empathy for his owner.
I would imagine his complete refusal to be professionally photographed is a (perfectly understandable) aberration from his otherwise excellent behavior.
The article’s not anti-cat propaganda, but some of the comments fulfill that goal.
Mookie Wilson is a great cat name! More cats named after baseball players, that’s what I say.
Possible cat names:
Coco Crisp
Sparky Anderson
Lefty Grove
Skeeter Barnes
Blue Moon Odom
And of course: Catfish Hunter
My childhood cat was named Kirby Puckett!
The greatest disappointment in my life now is that I left Kirby Puckett off that list.
Pawless Joe Jackson
One of my mom’s cats is Tino Martinez! Still, I think our family’s best sports-related cat name was Clyde, for Clyde Drexler.
We had a dog named Franco Harris when I was little, but then she had puppies, and we had to change her name. (I was *really* little, and yup, I am now old.) How my brother, who adopted and named her, couldn’t tell a boy dog from a girl is beyond me.
I bent to pick her up and “Isabelle” chomped me between my thumb and index finger.
I love the consideration for the cat’s reputation. Wish he’d go one better and refer to her as “Mme. I___.”
9. “If you have a heart valve problem, or a heart valve transplant, you need to be especially careful of cat bites. My husband almost died from a cat bite, which gave him bartonella and infected his aortic heart valve, which had to be replaced again. He was bitten by a cat at the Humane Society, but we didn’t know for months that it had caused a problem until his heart began throwing clots and destroyed part of a kidney and a vein in his leg as well as the transplanted cow valve.”
Number 9 for the win! It has everything: near death, the Humane Society, BARTONELLA for the requisite Google search, and, best of all, aortic cow heart valves. These alone are the basis for a compelling short story in the vein of Harlan Ellison.
This should be done to all cats.
They should be forced to watch the Abdominating Snowman hula dance?
Excuse me but my cat is named Mr Yeti
Can we talk about the pic of the cat about to eat the mouse, tho?
I can’t. I had bird-killing cats when I was a kid but I never saw it happen, so it didn’t happen.
The aforementioned sweet cats I currently care for are indoor-only, so their only prey is the odd insect that wanders in. (Sometimes very odd insects, at least for a city apartment, due to the flower shop downstairs.) I’ve seen the cats–who are littermates, as it happens–actually double-team house centipedes: they corral and take turns stamping them to death. No teeth. The most genteel of murders.
See that’s my favorite part. The expression, the falling mouse, the gerth of the feline, the crossed eyes. That’s just high-quality bloggin, Nicole.
It is a picture of rare beauty and perfection for this post.
Looks suspiciously like my old Balinese, Rufus, who routinely brought intact mice, beheaded birds, and bisected mud puppies to my doorstep. Or, if people weren’t careful when letting him in, to my pillow.
I think he had a size requirement for what he offered me, and adapted each kill accordingly.
It is amazing and perfect.
(Our large, fluffy, now deceased cat once brought a live bird into my bed once. They are terrifying creatures.)
I had a cat who 1) would catch lizards. eat their arms and legs and leave the rest, as if to say “Look, I made a snake!” and 2) would catch and disembowel pigeons, which led to me coming home one day to a variety of pigeon parts leading up to my front door. Heart, liver, beak, and finally a single pigeon foot on the doormat, like a pointed message from the Cat Mafia.
Oh my gosh. I mean maybe I just don’t have sufficient cat experience but typically if an animal you own (and are responsible for) is frequently biting and scratching you or others aren’t you supposed to…deal with that? And like, train it out of them or work with a pet trainer? And not just accept it as if it’s normal and should be dealt with?
I’m not talking about situations where the cat had a legit reason for biting, like if it was hurt or scared, but just situations where the cat (or dog or any other intelligent trainable animal) bites for fun, or out of boredom, or as a way of training their owner out of doing normal everyday things that the cat should put up with. Particularly if animal bites have the potential to be as dangerous as some of these comments would suggest. Am I just really out of touch with the realities of modern cat owning?
I don’t think you can train a cat to do anything, especially not to refrain from biting you if it feels it is in order… But I know dogs get put down for multiple bitings – I can’t imagine a sixteen-bite cat should be allowed to exist in polite society…
yes, yes you can train a cat to do things, even refrain from biting. I had an ex-feral who would bite when she was threatened, bite when she was happy, bite when she was stressed out. I was not going to live with that, and over the course of a few months worked on the biting. At first it was the squirt bottle, then, as she grew to crave my attention, it would be like you do with dogs, stop petting and ignore her. The last time she bit me, she was laying on my chest, kneading and purring and so happy she couldn’t stand it and reached out and bit me on the chin. I picked her up and put her on the floor. There was a moment of silence, then a sad little sigh noise and she went off to sleep on the couch. She never bit me again.
She would sometimes threaten to bite other people, if she thought they would back down from her, which was pretty funny, because as soon as I came into view she would immediately back down.
She was 16 when she died of thyroid problems and complications from the treatment. 🙁
Yeah, and I know that ‘my cat from hell’ show talks a lot about training and behavior modification with cats. They are more food oriented than dogs (so treat based rewards work well) and less ‘must please you’ but everything I’ve read suggests they are just as trainable. Which is why the article confuses me so much…if you’re cat bit 16 people or frequently sends you to the hospital maybe that’s a thing that should be worked on?
Also, I’m so sorry about your cat, losing a pet is so hard : (
Jackson Galaxy would disagree.
That’s why I am so curious about these things, not only would a dog get put down for some of the stories shared in the article (which I’m assuming is atypical cat behavior?) but also I’ve read that you can definitely train a cat. I think most people don’t know how because it’s not talked about nearly as much as dog training but cats are very intelligent and can be trained both to do tricks and for behavior modification. I am just so baffled why people accept cat bites much more easily than they do other bites, when you’d think violence would prompt people to…work to eliminate the violence? I don’t know.
I would guess it’s because dogs are more likely to be able to actually kill you. Cat bites can be bad (and shouldn’t be tolerated! I agree! Except my cat bites and the only thing I do about it is tell people not to touch him), but they’re not scalping or eviscerating people.
I guess I never thought about it that way (maybe because this article makes it seem like cat bites are more dangerous?). I also think that if you’re going to be scared of an animal it’s way more likely to be a dog than a cat, because they are so much bigger, and certain breeds are portrayed in pop culture as being very violent (pit bulls, German shepherds, etc) so it’s very important to train them to project well towards people. My last dog was the most calm and gentle animal I’ve ever met but my family spent so much time training him because if a kid is scared of a dog it helps to show them ‘look how calm he is while you pet him/look at this trick he does/see how quietly he sits when you approach him’. We used to joke that he would be the best animal for dog fear therapy because of that.
Also, I feel like a lot of people let their cats bite and scratch them, like it’s a game or it’s cute, continuing to play with and pet them as the cat’s claw are digging into their hands.
Yeah, I have a relative who does that with their dog and it drives me nuts, because then the dog doesn’t understand not to do it to other people.
I trained my cat to come, sit, and twirl (with a clicker and food). I was really bored that year.
I would lay money that the mouse’s little mouth is shaping the “oh” in “oh shit.”
Several years ago a friend of mine had THE most lovely smoke-grey long-hair cat that was part maine coon part other stuff. This cat had been abused as a kitten and hated being touched by human hands, but would rub up against feet when wanting attention and loved foot-pets. Skittish, but affectionate on his own terms, and adorable. One of my favorite cats, because he rarely rubbed up against my face. (I’m allergic to cats. They know this, and flock to me and rub all over me, especially my face if possible.)
Well, one day this cat got the string of a helium balloon wrapped around his tail and this alarmed him (of course) and he took off running. The balloon chased him and, as he bolted under a chair, the balloon snagged and pulled the string super tight around his tail. The cat went from alarmed to in serious pain. I was able to grab the cat and hold it in a typical cat restraint hold, except I forgot to grab a blanket or towel first. There was nothing between my flesh and that cat’s claws and teeth. Scared and in pain, he ripped me open with his back claws and bit me deeply. I still managed to hold him still while his owner untangled the string and released him.
I didn’t have insurance, and the cat’s owner was uninsured and as broke as I as. I cleaned everything up as best i could and hoped I didn’t get any infections… and the next day, started two different jobs handling food. Oops. Everything swelled up and was painful and I still have scars from it, but I feel so incredibly lucky I didn’t get a bad infection. I know people who’ve gotten really awful infections from cat bites, complete with hospital stays and antibiotic drips, so yeah.
BTW the next time I visited, that cat was super affectionate toward me and kept nuzzling and licking my hands– something completely out of character for him. Personally, I think he was trying to apologize and say thank you, but I might just be a sucker for fluffy critters.
after the infection you became one with him. You were colonized and therefore loved.
LOL Obviously. He marked me INTERNALLY with his dander.
Putting aside the delicious horror and total loss of hope for humanity, I want you to know that my best cat’s name was Snoop Catt.
An early foretelling of the name change to Snoop Lion?
This is basically why I still read comments despite the fact that it is the emotional health equivalent of chasing a bottle of gin with a case of cigarettes every day.
thanks now i want gin and cigarettes
That photo of the cat swatting the mouse is just amazing though.
Ugh. I am living this post. My aunt has a cat she adopted six years ago. Since he was about a year old he has bitten and harrased her everyday. Early on we said, take him back! Get a new cat! He’s not worth it! But she kept him (and kept bleeding). I gave up a long time ago trying to convince her to get rid of him. The worst part is that he loves me and likes a lot of other people (vet thinks he’s a sweetheart) so most of us are secretly thinking, “My god, what did you do make him hate you?” He’s like those serial killers who are super nice to their neighbors and coworkers but secretly have fridges full of severed heads.
TL;DR: Get rid of abusive cats before you get too attached to them. (Alternatively, secretly steal abusive animals from your relatives and then feign innoncence about the disappearance)
I like the serial killer interpretation of cats that are nice to some an mean to others. People tend to blame the bitten – but this other way is also likely!
WHAT. I used to be the worst kind of “dog person”, who hated cats with a vengeance, and then I met a couple of cats that I liked, and now I’m a full-fledged “dog and cat” person, but this article is putting the fear of cats in me again.
Also, (now I’m talking to myself online, but what the hell, my weird cat lady status is well-established by now) my parents’ house was taken over by the neighbouring stray cats a few years ago after the death of our well-loved family dog, and since then we’ve had a rotating cast of cats and/or kittens at all times. Some of them are around forever, some appear for a few months and then disappear. My favourite cat was this orange tabby that adopted me (I went to sleep on the couch one day and woke up to find him sleeping on me, and from then on I was his person). Anyway, the funny part about this cat was that he would be super cuddly and affectionate one minute and then suddenly decide the next that he was DONE playing and bite me, but not in the terrifying way described in this article.
Oh my god section IV is horrifying. Good thing my cat is a precious little lovemuffin whose idea of self-defense is looking extra cute.
“Just as in human to human relationships, you need to know your partner, be aware, understanding, and behave in such a way that you are more likely to receive kisses rather than trips to the ER.”
How is this one not in the WHAT category because that was my reaction.
Also I initially thought that this was the story about possible link between cat bites and depression, but apparently not? Does this mean that cat bites are trending?
Yeah, also kind of in the MRA category since it implies victim-blaming in abusive relationships???
I laughed sooooo hard but in kind of horror? Person, tell me more about your human relationships, they sound terrifying.
“1. “What my vet called “Redirected aggression” led my cat to bite my right thumb, through the carpal bone, marrow and joint.”
Sir, how did you not notice that your pet house cat is actually a TIGER?
WHY is it so inappropriate for me to LOL in my co-working space?? Stifling laughter here.
Biting might be my cat’s favourite thing in the world, but he’s not allowed to do it on bare skin. Yesterday I put a heavy work coat on and let him have at it, and he lay there grinding his teeth into the fabric on my forearm with a blissed-out look on his face. I guess according to this, I might as well take up juggling chainsaws for fun while I’m at it.
Oh aw lol.
A dear friend of mine, who is endlessly patient and good and a better person than me, has a quite evil cat who does not like being petted (holding is fine, petting is not) and will bite you with very little provocation. Thankfully his kitty Prozac helps some.
Also, kitty Prozac, totally a thing. Who knew?
There are hedgehog antipsychotics, no pet drugs surprise me anymore.
Well of course there are.
I told my cat last night that I was changing her name to Pork Pockets (her name is currently Flat Tire), and she very, very gently bit me on the cheek. If only I’d known how closely I flew to the sun…
I am likt 90% sure he made the whole story up for attention, and then had to get the shots just in case. But I only met him the once, so maybe he did die, I dunno.
I feel like maybe some of these comments were actually written by cats? Particularly the “human bites are also bad” ones…
Obligatory mention of Nanny Ogg’s evil cat Greebo and how everyone sees how evil he is except for Nanny Ogg.
And also of that Neil Gaiman story – in one of the Sandman novels – about the cats who dream about taking over the word. There’s a terrifying bit where they’re chasing tiny humans.
I am the “It’s actually my own fault” person.
ER trip, IV antibiotics, a couple scars that remain almost two years later….
It was really my own fault, I swear.
“Just as in human to human relationships, you need to know your partner, be aware, understanding, and behave in such a way that you are more likely to receive kisses rather than trips to the ER.”
If I behave in a way that distresses my partner he will be sad, and probably talk to me about it. He will not do something that causes me to go to hospital, because he is a human being who can discuss things rather than just lashing out. This is a terrifying comment.
My partner’s brother has a cat who is really, really violent. She was a rescue cat, and really friendly when they met her and decided to adopt her, but then quickly showed her true colours (she bites and scratches anyone who gets too close, even if you’re just trying to walk past her to get to the loo, and growls if people make sudden moves around her). She tolerates her owners, though, and they love her very much (it’s fairly plain that she had a difficult early life, as she’s really scared of people, so they don’t hold it against her too much).
If you get the shot right away, it's sometimes fine. I listened, in complete horror, to that RadioLab. My only takeaway was, Your kid gets bitten by an erratic bat in church and you "think nothing of it"? The fuck?
Most of the time, cats are whatever you make them out to be. My ridiculously neurotic, mean-spirited mother has neurotic cats that bite and scratch. I keep a pretty calm exterior and have totally laid-back snugglebutts. (There are, of course, exceptions.)
We had a dog named Franco Harris when I was little, but then she had puppies, and we had to change her name. (I was *really* little, and yup, I am now old.) How my brother, who adopted and named her, couldn't tell a boy dog from a girl is beyond me.
Also a cat name I have known: "Rasputin." I think a Russian megalomaniacal sociopath is also an appropriate parallel.
I used to live with a cat named ‘Bitey.’ Fuck that guy.
My cat was preparing to defend himself from a rushing dog when I picked him up. Still in defense mode, he bit me deeply in my hand. I felt his jaws flex. That type of wound is instantly way too deep for Epsom salts, which my aunt had thought I could use. By the next evening I was in crisis and drove myself to the hospital using my good hand and my elbow of the injured side. In the ER, I was whisked past the fearfully injured and bloody already waiting there, as a doctor made to cut my shirt off. That’s what really scared me. The red streak was up my arm and near my elbow. There was worry on whether my hand could be saved. After three days on IV’s I was discharged. I can still see the tiny white scars in my hand, which does not grip or make a tight fist. I currently do not own a cat.
My cat is named Robespierre! I have never heard of another. She was also born on the day John Paul II died. Also yeah she's a she. And she bites, but knows how to bite in a playful way. For me, anyway, other people shouldn't push it.