Mallory is rightly never going to visit or acknowledge my presence or speak to me again and this site is disbanding because EVEN THOUGH (I am clutching at the thinnnnnnnnest of ethical straws here) even though when she said “how about, like, the 10th to the 16th?” I said “sure! our friend John will be here for the weekend part, but there’s another room” that’s not exactly the same as following up with “so, you know, on midnight on Thurs night/Fri morning, a tall, skinny wraith-like figure will begin rustling in the room next to yours and you will have no idea why so don’t be terrified and assume there are ghosts or sleepy murderers about!”
And my husband reminded me last night and I was all “oh, yeah, I’ll remind Mallory!” but did not. And he would have fallen on his sword for me if I had asked him to lie and say he hadn’t reminded me, but that would be untrue. He did remind me.
–this has been the last Will and Testament of Nicole Cliffe, Who Failed Her Once-Friend Mallory Ortberg, the Girl She Loved So Dear, and had Hoped to Remain Friends With for Years and Years and Years
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Flavorwire found this short film of Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery.
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Colin Powell’s 60 y/o selfie!
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I should get the first lifeboat because I am in advertising:
Listen, let me educate you people. Any of you assholes ever heard of the “KIA Soul”? Dancing hamsters ring a bell? I brought the funky fresh flavors of hip hop together with the magic of CGI hamsters. And what did you get in return? Oh, I don’t know. A commercial that lives in your hearts and minds forever, free of charge. That’s the kind of genius you’re trying to throw away right here.
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Immediate link to any story about Morgellons.
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As a professional Jewish enthusiast, I would like to wish all actual Jews a happy Purim, and now here is a clip from For Your Consideration:
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Also, St. Patrick’s Day, but I do not care about Irish-Americans or Irish-Canadians, of which I am one, I only like Irish-Irish people, who are delightful.
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SHOWGIRLSSSS the long article
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Modern Farmer has a lovely thing about Charlotte’s Web:
“I don’t know of any book for adults or children that has the Sword of Damocles hanging over it as much,” says Michael Sims, author of “The Story of Charlotte’s Web: E. B. White’s Eccentric Life in Nature and the Birth of an American Classic”. “I mean, mortality’s scythe is right there in the first sentence, ‘Where is papa going with that axe?’ It’s like Hitchcock.”
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No joke, Kate Harding and I legit teared up over this cartoon.
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Where are the black Chelsea Handlers?
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Tags: feminism, link roundup, nicole’s epic friendship fail, PURIM Y’ALL, the internet
i am garbage
a tall, skinny wraith-like figure will begin rustling in the room next to yours
wait what how did she know the figure was tall and skinny
…
…
…
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… MY GOD, JUST HOW KEEN ARE MALLORY’S EARS?
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should I stop type-yelling?
Nicole! I know how to fix it!
OK, you need to go to the woods at night. It HAS to be a half moon. HAS to be. Find the tallest tree in the forest, and spill your blood upon its roots, then sleep at the base of the tree with no barrier between you and the night.
When dawns first flush sweeps across your sleeping form, a spirit will appear. You MUST follow it without a sound, not even a cry or groan. It will lead you to a dark cave. Inside the cave will be a rusted sword, a dirty bowl, and a gleaming golden necklace. Take the sword and the bowl, but DON’T TOUCH THE NECKLACE.
Take the sword and bowl to Mallory, and have her run you through and pour your blood into the bowl. The blood will turn into a crystal liquid, which she must drink in one long swallow. Once she has swallowed it, if you have done as you were told and stuck to the rules, you will return to life and Mallory will forgive you.
Or you could say ‘Sorry’, but that’s haaaaaard.
The next half moon is the 23rd.
Plenty of time to sit in silence, meditating on the task ahead!
This is perfectly witchy and I love it.
I nearly had a heart attack when I read the headline!
yeah, don’t do that to me.
I was also incredibly concerned when reading the headline and glancing quickly at the paragraphs below–even though a small part of me was like “it’s probably a joke,” part of me was like “what if something happened to Mallory?!? Was she attacked by the Slenderman?!?! Is Nicole friends with the Slenderman?!?!”
I also slept poorly last night and had a dream I was in the house I grew up in and giant bugs (like the size of my hands, one was a translucent water scorpion and the other were your run-of-the-mill giant centipedes) had invaded our water pipes, emerging from cracks in the pipes and slithering their disgusting water bug selves into the shower that I had left running, so I’m in a weird mental space right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFWgpsjDcCk
Yeah, that’s pretty much how it went!
My whole body went cold and still, and if It weren’t for jumping ahead, I’d still be frozen to the couch. I love this site, so, so much (that sounds kinda creepy, but I can’t help it, it’s true).
I ALSO teared up over that cartoon. Poor gallbladder!
I was slightly bummed for Cartoon Gallbladder, but the commenter below with “i had to have my gall bladder removed because it maked too many stones and got infected and now i just feel sad” made me feel super sorry for Real Gallbladder.
Liver is the meaniest Mean who ever meaned.
Considering the abuse it has to put up with, I can’t say I’d blame my Liver for being a total asshole.
Aww, that poor little gallblad–oh, just kidding. I take the liver’s side. I suffered for over a year of agony while my doctors narrowed down all my weird-ass symptoms until they figured out it was that little shit, the gallbladder, making stones and bowling them down toward my pancreas. I couldn’t eat anything more exciting than plain white rice without risking the rest of my day being a fun filled day of bloating, nausea, and vomiting until I had that little jerkwad removed. Now my life is far better!
So screw that little gallbladder. Screw him and his stupid stones. GO TEAM LIVER.
But he maked them!
I had a moment of sympathy for gallbladder, and then I realized how angry I get at people who try to help me when I haven’t asked for (and would prefer not to receive) assistance and no. FUCK OFF GALLBLADDER.
Yes! Gallbladder is NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATING THINGS FOR LIVER.
Gallbladder can get fucked. Speaking as someone who had to get theirs removed. Agony is a pretty accurate descriptor.
WHY AM I READING THAT MORGELLONS ARTICLE? I AM NOW ITCHING ALL OVER.
As a chronic skin-picker and a generally itchy and delusional person I feel like this is a horrifying window into my future nervous breakdowns.
I looked at the photo at the top & immediately left. I STILL itch all over.
I made it as far as the first line before I had to close the tab.
I feel like I need to stop reading the article entirely because I got an itch at my hairline and now one on my elbow and NOOOOOOOOOOO
100000% why I REFUSE to read any article about Morgellons ever forever for the rest of my life.
i am also itching all over BUT it’s a really good morgellons article! (and really good article in general!) so many narrative turns and surprises, and sort-of sympathetic to all sides.
“The egg eventually hatched in White’s city apartment, and he permitted the spider’s offspring to live alongside him.”
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The EB White essay about the sick pig that the modern farmer article links to is AMAZING. amazing.
I’m actually really digging this whole Modern Farmer website! I saw the magazine at Whole Foods and kind of dismissed it as hogwash (tee hee!), but it seems kinda interesting. They appear to be having a pig-themed day today?
yes! i actually really like modern farmer. they have some good stuff.
Never buy a teacup pig!
But here is one getting a tiny bath!
(No, but nobody buy teacup pigs, it will end poorly.)
A BATH IN A BIDET!
Is that what that is? I thought it was just the world’s weirdest sink.
This is the most soothing gif I’ve ever seen.
It really is! The pig just looks so happy. I sat and watched it for a good 2 minutes before realizing it was just a 6-second gif and not likely to change.
I’m happy to be able to provide some small-pig-bliss on this Friday.
I always felt frustrated after reading Modern Farmer because (a) I want to be a pig/ Dexter cow/3 chicken/2 horse farm wonder but have zero chances owning pasture land and (b) I live on Canadian soil so Modern Farmer’s American agricultural laws, policies, etc. are sometimes null and void.
So needless to say, I haven’t visited the site in awhile, but the EB White article just sucked me back in-man, that was good reading.
Guys, they’re not up yet, so I just have a flurry of angry emails and a suspicion I am going to find our mildly Gentleman-looking friend in a pool of blood next to a candlestick and Mallory’s car will be gone.
Steve just raised the possibility that the fight went the other way. OH MY GOD MALLORY IS DEAD.
Like that’s even possible.
Steve: “John’s a very skilled athlete, but Mallory would have the element of surprise and a greater sense of urgency.”
Me: “This is not a game of Mortal Kombat! SHE IS MY CHERISHED COMPANION.”
I have a strong feeling that Mallory would fight like a rabid badger. Nothing could stand in her way.
Sidebar: I still think of your spouse as Industrious from the old blog. And has the baby turned out to be lazy or industrious? Too soon to tell?
She’s super industrious, but mostly about demanding to go to the zoo and also to put Scooby-Doo on.
Pleasingly, I thought this comment referred to Mallory.
Mallory cannot die. She is made of starlight and seawater and creepyness, and death for her would merely place her in another world for a while.
She will always return to us.
Your Mallory description is AWESOME.
A MAN kill Mallory? Surely, you jest. Not possible.
Nice try at creating an excuse, Nicole, but it’s pretty clear that you invite unsuspecting pairs of guests into your home in order to trick them into mortal combat. I do not disapprove.
I’m slightly alarmed you have Gentleman-looking friends.
Yeah, if he looked like the Gentlemen from Buffy (floating down the hallway at me, grinning manically) I’d kill him too. Scream, Mallory, scream! Don’t let him take your voice!
On the topic of “things on the internet”, has anyone else been watching the Korean show “Let’s Eat” that’s streaming on Hulu? It is my favorite thing right now, and I am even watching them as they release, which I am incapable of doing with most any show (attention span of a – ooh, look at that!). Everyone eats Korean food orgasmically and has campy life dramas, complete with sound effects. The thing that sold me on it though was in the first episode, this guy tries to assault the main character after an awkward date and then is all “you were being forward, it’s your fault,” and she literally recites the pertinent piece of law about sexual assault and gets him the hell out of her apartment. It was glorious. Everyone should watch it. Except maybe people who are squeamish about the sounds of eating.
That sounds perfect, I’ll have to watch some this weekend!
I’ve been looking for a new Korean drama (Thanks!) but I cannot stand the sounds of eating, so thank you for the warning.
Have you watched “Kimchi Family”?
PURIM Y’ALL.
(I’m trying to keep things light while I compose myself after the scare of that first sentence. And let’s hope no Mortal Kombat scenarios actually unfolded.)
Also, my mentor is Irish-Irish and he is, indeed, delightful and twinkly and fairly mischievous. And he doesn’t drink.
Is my husband your mentor? He’s a good mentor. But he does drink, some. Not as much as he did when I imported him from Dublin, though.
No, but he could be my mentor’s nephew. (This guy is 63 – I’m assuming your husband is younger, as I think you’re around my age?) My mentor gets sick even from one beer and hasn’t drunk alcohol in 40 years. I rag him regularly about being the only Irishman in the world who doesn’t drink.
He’s 45 (I think? I should know that!)
Haha, my husband and I around that same age, and we regularly forget how old we are. 42? 43? 45? “Eh, somewhere in there…”
If I hadn’t been like 8 months pregnant on my 30th birthday & therefore always able to add 30 to my kid’s age, I would constantly forget my own age.
Steve: “It’s like that old saying: if you love someone, make them think someone is about to murder them by being a ghost, and if they don’t forgive you, they were never really your friend to begin with.”
I have this overwhelming desire to sneak into Nicole’s house one night when I know Mallory is there and stand over her bed dressed as a Wendigo and just wait for her to wake up.
you should do it to me do it to me not to her REFERENCE TO WINSTON BEFORE HE IS BROKEN BY ROOM 101 IN 1984
I WAS JUST THINKING OF 1984 THIS MORNING!
(Steve is probably mailing you the key right now.) (I do presume he has a very tolerant sense of humor.)
I’m just delighted to receive confirmation that you are the Martin Prince to Mallory’s Nelson Muntz.
LDSKHF’DRIPOJGP;RJOF
Nick, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I did this to our beautiful triad.
I love the fact that she’s EMAILING you at 1:30 in the morning to tell you that she smells “burning.” Jeez, sorry the house burned down Nicole but I sent you a snapchat of the house in flames. You didn’t get it???!?
Part of my plan to pull a Cyrus and bury this incident was to say “why didn’t you call me?” but my ringer was off and I would never have heard her cries for help anyway and our house is so big oh god I’m the worst friend
DON’T WAKE ANYONE, THAT WOULD BE CRAZY
The funniest part is that you can never raise Mall by email, AND NOW SHE’S USING IT AS AN EMERGENCY COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL????
i get back to people!!!!!
You do. Of course you do. You’ve been through enough now. There, there. Nick’s here now with you to protect you from the Wendigo.
Where did you find that GIF of me? I’m an excellent nursemaid.
I really tried to keep myself in the position of the aggrieved, blameless host for a few emails, but obviously it was my fault.
PURIIIIIIIIIIM once I get home from my job interview I am gonna work on my costume for my friend’s Purim party tomorrow!
ALSO TOMORROW IS THE IDES OF MARCH, WHO WANTS TO GO STAB A DICTATOR WITH ME wait that came out wrong
YOU HAVE MY SWORD
Given the week I’ve had, the first three syllables of “Stab a dictator” constitute the bulk of my to-do list.
Wait, how else does that come out??
Some other way of celebrating that doesn’t start a revolution in a foreign country, I guess?
No sense of adventure. 😉
Very, very narrow third possibility: we will go into one of their rooms and find them naked and in each other’s arms.
I am dead. Just dead.
NICOLE
I hate it when mom and dad fight! Or, rather, mom and mom and dad (ie Pavich) and Slenderman.
Mallory, when you wake up, it’s okay if you want to write a whole post yelling at me like I’m a writer who whines about trains, I won’t stop you. I…wasn’t going to let you do food-trolling about peanut butter, because I love peanut butter, but now you can.
No greater love hath a woman.
The Acid Bath Murderer was convicted partially because of gallstones, so you go, little gallbladder, you go!
I finagled a family recipe for soda bread today (from someone else’s family), so I am really proud of myself right now.
She’s alive! She’s alive.
*grabs popcorn, settles into watch this thread for further developments*
Is your friend alive, or has she shoved a silver stake through his heart and buried him in sea salt?
I like how we’re all talking about Mallory while she’s still asleep. 🙂
Mallory, I hope you’re having sweet and restorative dreams at this moment. The adrenaline crash alone was probably enough to knock you out for hours.
Me, to John, who is BLAMELESS: “I mean, no offense, John, but you are kind of a spectral figure!”
I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE GOING TO GET MURDERED LIKE THEY DID IN ‘IN COLD BLOOD’
This is A+ pre-open-thread entertainment, thanks guys
Seriously, I want Mallory to live with Nicole forever now.
(But not in a murdered-by-a-Gentleman-esque-friend-and-buried-in-the-cellar way.)
Right?? I would watch the shit out of that reality show.
Hear, hear! But only if it ends on a happy note…otherwise, sad face.
Hands up who is actually weeping at their actual desk over this thread this morning.
I would put my hand up but I am using it to pound the surface of my desk while dying hang on.
I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard (especially at the screenshot of the emails)
HEY! I’m an actual-Jewish person married to an Irish-Irish person! DO YOU LOVE ME? AM I DELIGHTFUL? Do you want to hear about my Cork-born Catholic Mother-in-law’s reaction to her grandson’s bar mitzvah?
I’m Irish; husband is Jewish. Last night, we were wondering aloud how one might make soda bread hamantaschen.
And, yes. yes I do want to hear that.
(she was not best pleased.)
YES!
Yes, you’re delightful, and yes, please write a piece about your MIL at your son’s bar mitzvah.
I found out from my genealogist-MIL that one of my ancestresses came from Cork, and excitedly told my Irish-Irish mentor, thinking he’d be thrilled I had even a little Irish blood. His response? “I guess I’ll still associate with you.” (Some sort of football-rugby rivalry, apparently.)
Why, is he from Kerry? Or Clare? I bet he’s from Clare.
He is indeed from Clare. Clare-Cork seems to be the equivalent of, like, Texas-Oklahoma, as far as I can make out.
I think it’s worse. It’s the GAA’s fault.
Husband’s uncle is also Cork-born, of course, and uncle’s daughter now lives in Clare & there was SO MUCH RUCKUS during the lead-up to the hurling final last summer. (It was a great deal of fun.)
I am reading Charlotte’s Web to my four year old. Her eyes bugged out of her head when that Old Sheep dropped some truth bombs on Wilbur about what was going to happen to him at Christmas. Now my daughter keeps interrupting my reading to ask anxiously if it’s Christmas yet. God, I hate that old sheep.
Sheep don’t give any thought what comes out of their mouths because sheep are simple minded. Silly sheep: one moment scurrying away from you like your were the plague, the next, running right over top of you (but to be fair, that’s only if being rounded up by a fellow sheep herder who cannot see you STANDING RIGHT THERE minding your own business, sheesh).
Is that my sweet Rachel’s voice I heard? Or am I just goin’ meshuga?
Aw, my parents and my brother are all Irish-Irish, but they had the nerve to move to the US before I was born and now they’re all US citizens. They’re all still just delightful, though, and Pa Jinx is pretty much the Platonic Ideal of Adorable Older Irish Gent, twinkly eyes and all, so.
That movie! That movie was my first introduction to Shirley Jackson.I want to say that I watched it in high school English, and I might have done, but I believe the first time I saw, I was a little girl and alone at home on TV (remember when cable was young and channels played random but gratifying shows and movies?). I still think of it from time to time because it was so jarring.
That movie! That movie was my first introduction to Shirley Jackson.I want to say that I watched it in high school English, and I might have done, but I believe the first time I saw, I was a little girl and alone at home on TV (remember when cable was young and channels played random but gratifying shows and movies?). I still think of it from time to time because it was so jarring.
I dunno Chelsea Handler, our love has died, but I think I know what you mean anyway, which allows me to say ****Kim Wayans**** whom I’ve loved since In Living Color. But she’s more Carol Burnett-sized original and talented.
Site disbanding?!
*sets out shingle*
websiites get yer feminist-but-not-that-kind-of-feminist websites here