Seven April Fools’ Jokes for a Fun and Happy Marriage -The Toast

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sherlock-wedding-bridesmaid-girlfriendRion Amilcar Scott last shared some thoughts on YOLO.

1. Confess all of your unpardonable sins to your significant other. While he or she cries, say: “This is no April Fools’ joke.”

2. Wait until your significant other leaves for work. Pack your things. Move out. Never return.

3. Show up to your wedding wearing a black wedding dress. Make sure the veil is so dark that not even a hint of your face peeks through. Wear two veils if necessary. When your husband-to-be asks about the dress, reply: “Today begins the period of mourning from which there will never be an exit.”

4. Change your status on Facebook from married to single. When your significant other complains that your joke is not funny, reply that you’re not joking. Initiate divorce proceedings.

5. Purchase three shades of condoms—green, red and black. That night during sex, wear one of each color. Bring your wife to the brink of climax, abruptly stop, point to your penis and whisper, “Oh, and by the way: This is protected by the red, the black and the green…”

6. When the pastor nears the end of the vows—the bit about loving and cherishing as long as you both shall live—pause for a moment. Reply, “Wait, you mean for the rest of my life?” Begin snickering. Let your snicker slide into full-throated laughter. The congregation will look puzzled. Don’t let this stop you. Keep going with it. Laugh as you walk past them and exit the church. Keep laughing long after the pastor, your (ex)-fiancé and the congregation can see or hear you. Laugh yourself to sleep that night and wake the next morning with the giggles.

7. Engineer a run-in with your significant other’s best friend. Make sure it’s somewhere he has positive feelings toward, somewhere warm, inviting and meditative like a bookstore. When he sees you, be holding a book by an author he admires. Smile a lot. Hug him. Express excitement about bumping into him. Every few sentences comment how strange it is to run into him like this. Playfully accuse him of stalking you. Tap his arm. Laugh a lot. Smile. Laugh. Laugh again.

For this prank to work, it’s important to leave a positive impression. Tell him there’s something you need to talk to him about, but you have to run. Give him a hug. Now listen, this is important.

Don’t give him one of those weird stooped-over or turned-sideways hugs women give when they want to make sure their boobs don’t brush against you.

Give that man a real hug. Promise to call. Wait a day. Maybe two. Call. Make sure it’s a time when his wife’s not around. Express the frustration and growing distance between you and your husband. If there is no frustration and growing distance, make it up. Remember, this a prank and that all pranks require deception.

Feign concern for your husband—whatever he may be going through—but also feign loneliness, though be sure your lonely act doesn’t bear the sad whiff of desperation. Desperation is a repellent. Work in the phrase, “You’re married, though; I don’t have to tell you how hard it is.” Build up the friendship through weeks of clandestine calls. Hang out a few times—a museum, maybe the movies—“just as friends.” Slowly fade discussions of your marital problems from your conversations. When he brings up your husband, shrug and say, “I don’t want to talk about him.”

Let your husband’s friend kiss you one night. He’ll be nervous. Return the kiss hesitantly, but then smoothly and soulfully. Cut it off abruptly. Excuse yourself. Later, when you discuss what happened, say everything’s fine. A little weird, but fine. Tell him the time you’ve spent together is special and deeply felt. Tell him he’s an exception. A glitch in the matrix.

(Use that phrase, a glitch in the matrix.)

Maybe cry at this point. Be careful, though, of over-playing your hand. Tell him that you’ll have to save any romantic entanglements with him for another lifetime when you’ll both be butterflies. Assure him that your friendship will remain strong. He’ll nod and say that’s the right path to take. Make him promise to keep your dalliances secret. No need to hurt his best friend.

“So sad these circumstances can’t be different,” he’ll say. Nod and agree verbally.

The next step is very important. This is the climax, if you will.

If you’ve played all the other steps just as described above, the endgame should work out flawlessly. Invite him over for a meal. Make sure you have about a three-hour window. Pour wine or champagne or perhaps sangrias or mimosas—yes, sangrias or mimosas are probably best. Neither of you will notice the world bending around you as pleasant intoxication creeps and your inhibitions fall. Describe your arousal, first in gentle and hesitant terms, but then become bolder and describe it urgently. Touch his hand. Wrap your arms around his torso. If something doesn’t happen now you’ll…at this point, you’re getting it on.

If you’ve timed it perfectly, here comes your husband through the front door. Turn. Throw up your hands. Don’t forget the big smile. Cry out, “April Fools’!”

Rion Amilcar Scott has contributed to PANK, The Rumpus, Fiction International, The Washington City Paper and The Toast, among others. He was raised in Silver Spring, Maryland and earned an MFA at George Mason University. Presently, he teaches English at Bowie State University.

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